Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Jcsmom,

I haven't been posting recently (have had some bad days).

I read that it was your son's angel day. I'm sorry for you,

and I hope that you are finding some peace and the will to keep

going on this sad journey we are all on. I know I am not

very good at putting my thoughts into words, but my heart

goes out to you at this sad time.

[Michaelsmom]

Dear Maskott, thanks for your kind words. They help me.

Sherridameron, how do you parent siblings? Tough question - I've given birth to 3 children and have lost two. Unfortunately Stu and I are the experts in this field. I lost my son to drugs and my daughter to cancer. I have one daughter left. She is undergoing therapy. She realizes that I can't help her as I can't help myself. One of our problems is that I was very close to my oldest daughter (the one who died at 40) as my youngest, we didn't have much in common. She is trying to get close to me and share things. I am trying very hard myself to enjoy what she likes and to keep her close. We talk alot about our feelings and how their deaths have hurt us. It's a long process. Keep talking to your kids about your lost child. Their pain is as deep as yours only different. Hope that helps.

Enufalreddy, my son too died of drugs. It will be 3 years on Halloween. You say your son chose drugs over his family. Actually, those drugs chose him. He was hooked. He couldn't help it. I've forgiven my son for his choice. I might have been able to stop him I don't know. I tried many times but always let him make the decisions. He was 36 and I felt he was mature enough to take care of himself. I was wrong. But that's behind us now. I just remember the loving and kind person that he was.

In closing, Time does help. However, when I'm alone my pain is so strong I could just die. All I want is to hear their voices one more time. When I'm with people I'm my old self, laughing and having a good time. I block everything out. I have to for sanity's sake. My husband and I aren't alone too often. We have each other. He is my rock. Life goes on. I have grandchildren that I take care of now and that's what I'm living for. I'm thinking of all of you and your pain. Take care.

Michael and Carolyn's mom

[michaeld]

HI this is my first time.I JUST HAVEN'T KNOWN WHERE TO START.I LOST MY SON 7/25/04 HE WAS 31 YRS. OLD.HIS WIFE IS ON CRACK. SO I NOW HAVE GUARDIANSHIP OF MY TWO GRANDCHILDREN.THANK GOD THE COURTS SEEN THAT THEY NEEDED TO BE WITH ME.BUT EVERYDAY IS SO VERY HARD.I'M A SINGLE GRANDMOTHER AT THE AGE OF 50 TRYING TO RAISE THEM ALONE.AND IT IS LIKE YESTERDAY FOR ME THAT MY SON DIED.I DON'T SEEM TO BEING DOING ANY BETTER THEN WHEN HE FIRST DIED.IF IT WASN'T FOR MY GRANDCHILDREN I WOULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.PLEASE HELP

MICHAELS MOM

[Artina]

Michaeld,

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I pray that you have someone that can support you as you grieve the loss of your son. I am sorry that your grandchildren lost not only their father, but their mother. It must be very difficult for you to watch their mother struggle with her addication as you also watch over your grandchildren.

Please know that we are here to support you in any way that we can. Each one of us parents are at different stages of our grief and will share what tools have helped us. Be sure to take what will work for you and leave what doesn't. Our intentions are to help each other.

Peace to you, Tina

I lost my son almost four years ago from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident.

[griffinsmom]

Many "new" people- so sorry for your losses, all our losses.

Just thought it'd be a good idea for me to say how much I miss Griffin, how I still cannot believe he is.......-and the panic and helplessness and despair I feel when I think of the reality of this. It is all really intense, and I thought I was "adjusting".....well, I could have posted or just kept it in and keep getting angrier at irrelevant things/ situations/ people- and just not go out in public for fear of getting arrested or worse- wearing my completely warped attitude on my sleeve like that.....Im doing a multipost on this, feedback will be helpful. Good luck, and peace to all of us...I am sorry.

[kathy714]

Dear Julsmom,my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today,on your daughters angel day.I am sorry i post so late it's the hours i work,i am up all night and sleep all day T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Sherri,i am sorry for your loss,i loss my son Jan31,2005 on his 21st birthday,i have i older son that does not live at home so to answer your question,all i can really say is to try to take care of yourself to give you strength,and to talk about memories,every time my son and i are together we always talk about Nathan,either things he had done or how he would react to certain situations going on now.Itry to keep his spirit alive,i don't want people to forget him and what a wonderful person he was...T/C Kathy Nate's mom

[jasonsdad]

Today is our two year mark 10-14-2003, since our beloved and extremely missed Jason has passed on. Last night was particularly hard for me and spent most of the night in sorrow, looking at old pictures, which I haven't been able to do.

My Wife and I really don't know how to handle this day other then bring a few things to the grave. It still feels like a bad dream. My Wife says that we need to try and let go and move on, that Jason would not want to see us in such grief. I don't know if I can do that. Dan

JASON GUGLIOTTA 3-24-76 - 10-14-2003 "LOVED ETERNALLY IN JESUS HANDS"

[julsmom]

Dan, my prayers are with you. Julie's 2 yr mark was on the 13th. Your Jason was just a few months younger than her, her birthday is (was?) 12/15/75. My husband said if it was a bad dream we would wake up and it would be over. I applaud you that you have looked at pictures, others than the ones I have out I can't do it. We just took fresh flowers to the cemetary and he and our son went to the crash site early in the day. May you and your wife find the peace you need. Lynda

[donosmom]

I am really having a difficult day. They sneak up and slap you down. It was 27 months ago yesterday that Matthew died, I hate this journey. Last night I learned that another mother in our Compassionate Friends group died. She committed suicide. What is really sad is I am almost envious of her. Is that crazy?

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 – 7-13-03

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

I am glad that you decided to post your feelings rather than keep them in. The roller coaster of feelings is very draining. Writing and expressing them is one way to get those feelings to lighten up on you. Be sure to do that when you feel the need to. I have also found that screaming in a pillow or exercise (of any type) are both "helpful".

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Dan,

Please know that we are thinking about you today as you get through Jason's angel day. These days are very difficult. There are no "one ways" to do these days, so do what works for you. Please know we care.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Donosmom,

There are those days... but there are also days that are much easier to get through. Hang on to those days. Please know that I am sorry about the CF who took her life. Our pain is that real- that's for sure.

Peace to you, Tina

[daveydow1]

Michaeld,

I am very sorry for your loss. My son, David, was also

31 yrs. old when he passed over from a traffic accident

(7/14/03). Your two grandchildren are lucky to have you

as their loving caretaker. I know this must be difficult

for you, though, I understand. Please come back to this

site whenever you feel you want to share your feelings

of sorrow and pain. Everyone here knows the sorrow and

feelings of despair. I have received a lot of understanding

and positive support from all my friends here, and hope

you will too. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Jasonsdad,

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family on

this day----Oct. 14---Jason's angel day. May you find

peace in the coming days.

[daveydow1]

Donosmom,

I am sorry for your pain. We are at nearly the same timeline

on our grief road. Yes, it is so very painful at this point

also. As many parents on this site have said, early on there

is so much numbness and shock. Then that tends to wear off

and another form of pain comes in. I guess there is not much

relief, but I do get days where I can actually enjoy things.

Nature always calms me. I am sorry to hear of the mother in

Compassionate Friends who took her own life. I don't think

that it sounds crazy to somehow envy her. I get fleeting

thoughts like that whenever I go to the cemetery and know that

the ones buried there are finished with any sorrow they may

have had in their lifetime. I don't dwell on these thoughts,

but they do creep in now and then. May you find strength in

your days. Peace be with you always.

[sherridameron]

Hello Everyone. Thank you all so much for responding to my post. Especially all of you who have surviving children. This is new territory to me. My 15 year old stepdaughter was very close to Michael. But, being a teenager, school especially the social aspects of it keeps her busy. My 20 year old daughter is an administrative assistant at a college. She has to leave work early at least once a week because she can't stop crying. She can get grief counseling through her job and has expressed a need to go. But, so far she hasn't gone. I have a rough time because I occasionally forget that Michael is gone. I even asked did his blue coat still fit because we have been having some cold nights. I try not to do that because I am a rational enough person to know that he's gone. But, I feel crazy sometimes because my conversation does float between past tense and present tense. Unfortunately, I have been getting e-mails from family about the holidays. I have three brothers, two sisters, and my parents are still alive and well. We always get together for Thanksgiving. I am still so sad and depressed that I don't want to bring everyone down by going home. But, everyone is insisting. Right now if I have to go over a mile in the car, I have to dig my heals into the floor to keep from jumping out. I don't know why I'm that way now. But, I just get so anxious and uneasy in cars now. I have been out of my house about three times since it happened. I know I will eventually have to get therapy to get over that myself. Right now I just pray to get past it. But, still knowing that you guys are there so I can share my crazy thoughts and feelings with someone who is walking down this dark road with me is truly a God send. Continue to pray for me and I will continue to do the same for you all. Sherri

[Artina]

Sherri,

Holidays are the hardest for grieving families. I believe that we have to set our boundries early on in order to set the stage for future holidays. The best thing that family can do is allow you to decide what works for you- maybe you could share that with them. It's okay to change your holiday tradition, for your life has changed and you don't fit into that same picture right now. This is a very difficult message to get across to those who love us; for they only want to help and can become so insistent to the point that they hurt you. It is my experience that family will understand why you can’t do the holidays the same way that you used to.

Also, you had mentioned traveling and your inability to travel very long. This makes perfect since to me. Think about it, when your body stops moving, your mind starts up. That's why some of us find that keeping ourselves busy, angry, or mad keeps us from focusing directly on our loss. Thus, I do believe that when we travel our mind starts to reflect and we just want to RUN.

These are just my experiences and thoughts. As with all Beyond Indigo parents, please take what works for you and leave what does not. Each one of us have had different experiences on our grief journey and can only offer what works for us. After almost four years I have found that my boundaries have saved my family and I a lot of unnecessary difficulties.

Peace to you, Tina

[julsmom]

Sherri, I can only echo what Tina has posted. You and your children must do what is good for you as far as the holidays. It may mean an entirely new tradition. Going out to dinner, just immediate family or nothing. As for thinking of asking if your son's coat still fits, my husband told me when he set the table for dinner the other night he almost set it for 5 (our son is home and his aunt is visiting). We are 2 yrs out. Sometimes the mind doesn't want to accept the reality. Peace, Lynda

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Tomorrow is Jennifer's birthday. I'm filled with emotions. First I cry, then laugh, but go back to something else. Having my feelings run all over like this is so confusing and unsettling. Tomorrow, I'll only post one thing to Jenni, then I'll visit her half sister for the day. For all of you with special days ahead, my thoughts are with you. May peace be yours. I'll be back here Monday. Thank you all for the support and comfort you give. I truly appreciate each one of you.

[jscmom]

Sherri,

This Thanksgiving will be #2 without our John, he died 10/10/04. My 1st experience witout him here for his favorite holiday was terrible for all of us. We did not know what to do so we decided to have it as John would want. We tried to act as if WAS a GOOD day but it was not. Only immediate family was here as the extended family members walked away after John's funeral. So I did as usual the whole dinner, hardly anyone ate, everyone holding back their pain in tears. We talked about John and what he would be doing, saying etc.

I just continued as if EVERYTHING was OK while I was dying inside. I kept thinking and waiting for John to walk in and say Hi Momma I love you, dinner ready, whats the score on the game? I felt as if I was in a diffrent place. Dinner was done and everyone left, I went to bed and stayed there all weekend.

Anyway as Tina says we have to do what works for each of us. In counseling I was told do not do what you can't handle or what you feel you can't handle. Wish I knew that before.

This year I will not be cooking, we decided to go out to dinner (maybe I will order a burger).

Lucette

Mark, I will be thinking of you today and everyone else who has the angel dates and birthdays, my prayers are with all.

[jscmom]

Please I just need to release my pain. The last few weeks has been extremly difficult for me. Too many 1st's, the day of the accident, the 14 days before he died, and Johns funeral 10/21/04.

Now the holidays are coming. Oh I just want to get in my car and don't look back.

Where am I supposed to be now? It has been a year and I feel like I am drowning not any better than last year.

I go to counseling and that hour visit seems to be the only thing that helps.

I read until my eyes can't do it anymore, I pray for peace and comfort but I just can't seem to get it.

And the nighmares which cause me not to want me to sleep.

Geezzzz sorry for my whining....

Lucette

[alwaysmyjennifer]

jcsmom, you're not whining. you're hurting, and it's a part of this ____. Like so many, I am looking at a special day. It's the 16th. I thought I would be able to manage this better. I've been in tears for over an hour. Lucette, the thing about running is an attempt at freedom, releasing ourselves from this pain. I was a runaway teenager, and that's what I wanted. If you can, call the Compassionate Friends. They are such a great help. I will pray for you through the night. always, Mark

[kathy714]

Dear Artina,and others,i just want to say thank you for your post,they have really been helping me through,i don't post much but i do read every night,i have also been having major anxiety about the holidays.I always loved to just stay home and cook,but i really don't know if i can do it this year,Artina what you said,really makes sense to me ,you are so right ,our life is so different now,and like Sherri i also feel like jumping in the car and just leave this place for the holidays,i don't know,i just pray everyday for god to help me understand why this has happened to help me get through another day without Nathan..T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

To all that have angel dates and birthday's coming,you are all in my thoughts and prayers,,,Kathy,Nate's mom

[enufalreddy]

I too have been pondering the holidays and how I will get through them this year.Thanksgiving will be the hardest.I think I may run away for the day as someone else talked of or just stay in bed. Oct. 19 coming up Wed. will mark 6 months since I lost my son. Time doesn't seem to mean much right now. I hang in limbo.Noone here at home to help me get through it.So thank God for you folks and this site. One day at a time...five minutes at a time...God has always gotten me through whatever comes my way. But he doesn't email me or talk out loud to me...leaves a lot of guesswork.You people help me feel more directed.I pray for all of us. And we are definitely not alone...with all the disasters this year so many people have lost children and much more. Today I'm feeling a little more sane. At the moment anyway. Thanks for listening to me when I am ranting as well as now. ..Peace to all of us...Erma

[julsmom]

Mark - my thoughts are with you today.

To all - holidays are especially hard. Be good to yourself. Do only want is comfortable for you and your family. We were very fortunate the first year to be surrounded by people who invited us out and who were very sensitive to our needs. It was good.

I know that this is not the forum, but a good friend of mine just past away. Please keep her family in your thoughts/prayers. She was one of the few people I worked with who was there for me when I returned to work. She leaves behind a husband and an 18 y/o daughter. Thank you.

Peace to all. Lynda

[rhonda68]

Help! I just went through my sons birthday and thanksgivng I made it but I have been really depressed all week and feeling really gloomy and sad. Friday night my 16 year old son was a passenger in an accident the vehicle was totalled and all the kids that were in the vehicle had some sort of injury everyone but my son was taken to the hospital. The police were amazed my son was okay as the hit was on his side but he was the only one in the vehicle wearing a seatbelt. I feel as though my angel son protected him. But I am really crazy now and i dont know how to get rid of my pain or these feelings of worry for my son that is alive i am going to go nuts does anyone have any suggestions? My angel son was killed in a car accident and this just haunts me. every night I have been having nightmeres and waking up in a very cold sweat it feels like i am constantly running and someone is chasing me does anyone else have these stupid dreams?

Richards Mom

[Artina]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

I would like to acknowledge Jennifer's Birthday. Please know that we are thinking about you, as we know these days are difficult on us.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

JSCmom,

I know that it is extremely difficult for you... It sounds like you are doing everything you can do to take those "little" steps. I pray that with time you will be further from where you are today.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Kathy714,

I know that I say this often, but I really feel like I need to say it again- it does get better. Keep doing what you are doing and one day you will look back and you will see that you have moved further from your extreme hopelessness.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Enufalreddy,

The holidays are so very difficult. You don't have to do them if you don't want to. You can change how you do them. Or you can do them on a different day. It's okay.

Let me share that I have changed the holiday celebration every year since my son crossed over. We are approaching our fourth holiday season this year and I am actually willing to make dinner for my extended family. This will be a first. I may change my mind, thus I have not shared the invitation with anyone. I will wait to invite them until the last minute. My living son is now 16 and I really want to bring some holiday tradition back into our home. It won't be the same that we shared with Chris, but I will involve extended family. Different, but familiar. We'll see. I really want to do this for him though.

I guess the point I am trying to make here is- the fact that I am even willing to cook is a LONG way from where I was in the first three years. The most important thing to do is to set your boundaries through the holidays so that you don't have to worry about family badgering you. We have spent the last three holidays alone- just the three of us- and I think I am now ready for a few more people. Not to celebrate, but to be with each other.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Lynda,

Your in my thoughts. I have said a prayer for the family of your friend.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Rhonda68,

First let me start off by saying that the fall out of special dates is draining. We should all be aware that after we pass birthdays, angel days, or the holiday season, we will be tired and a little more depressed than normal. We put so much energy out as we approach those days, that we are left empty the days following. It’s okay to take some down time through those dates. In fact, we may need to plan vacation time around those dates so as to take care of ourselves emotionally.

I wanted to comment on your son's accident and your fear. My 16-year-old son called me about a month ago, because he had "crashed" his car. My whole body went into a shock phase. I knew he was okay, because he was the one calling me, but I couldn't get past the idea that he could have been taken from me at that moment. I struggled with fear before that call, but after that call I was out of control. The only thing I have been able to do, to help me with this fear, is to make a conscious effort to “see” him in my future. I don’t want to become so over protective of him that he won’t grow and become a socially healthy young man. This is difficult. I believe that this “fear” is the fall out of losing a child and it is normal for us to worry excessively. However, we just have to make decisions based on safety facts, not on our fear.

Peace to you, Tina

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Rhonda68, these dreams are almost real, right? I was in an incident at 8 years old that resulted in the shooting death of my foster mom. I've also been shot before. This may not be the same for you, but for me, these dreams are my fear being activated by my mind. I dream I'm chased by someone with a gun, or hiding from someone. I've found that my fear is in my dream, but I've not yet completely learned how to deal with it. May you have peace today.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you all for the support today. Now, I'm out to spend time with Ali.

Happy birthday Jenni.

[sherridameron]

Dear Artina: Thanks so much for the advice about the holidays. I get the worst headache just thinking about Thanksgiving. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. But, I would rather just be with my husband and kids. And you are so right about the mind starting up when the body stops. Because if I am still for two minutes literally my mind goes to Michael. And even though I have to think about him everyday when I post, it's a relief because I'm sharing.

Mark: I hope your weekend is a good one. My prayer is that God will give you peace to get through it.

[mamabets]

For Alwaysmyjennifer- I am thinking of you, Mark- You give so much to all of the people here,on all different levels, and life is just reminding you of pain today. I am sorry and I wish that saying something could be comforting- All circumstances here are tragic- You have tried so hard at making the best out of your situation in spite of your wife's illness-!! I have often thought to myself "What is his secret to all of this"- My prayer tonight will be that tomorrow will be a sunnier day for you and you can find your way back to your place of hope that is such an example for all of us that have forgotten what that even feels like. God Bless...xomamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

mamabets, thank you so much. What gets me through this hell is a bunch of great things. I have all of you, for the best support a guy could ever need. Thank you all. I have a rock solid marriage full of love, and even though I'm going to lose her in this life, our love will last forever. I also have a little bit of faith, and a devotion to what I believe. I'm not pushing my religious beliefs here (if you want to know what I'm about, feel free to ask). I have the history of being raised in a violent place, where life was valueless. Now, I adore life, hold it sacred, and preserve it at all cost. The comfort you have all given me here, I cherish. Your advice has always helped me become a better person. There is one person on this website I think highly of, who has helped me deal with some of the things in my past, and to that person I'm indebted forever. So, this is my secret: I'm a ghetto kid who grew up tough and addicted, and now I love life.

hugz, Me

[jscmom]

Hello everyone,

Can't sleep again so I thought I would write. Mark how was your day? I thought about you a lot. I think a lot about all of us and how we are trying to help one another to which I am so grateful.

This maybe a strange question but I would like to know if this has happened to any of you. What has been happening at my son's grave site. I go there often for solance and to replace his flowers as the heat here is bad.

My problem may seem trival but some one keeps stealing his flowers. So I then decided to put dryed flowers there and they are taken also. Friends have brought things there too and they again stolen.

My feelings about this are hurt and sadness HOW DARE THESE PEOPLE STEAL FROM MY SON, MY BURIED SON. I am going again tomorrow with flowers and pumpkins this time I will attach a note to them reading 'I hope you know that you are stealing from my dead son".

It sounds so morbid that I have to do this to but maybe it will stop. This is all I can ever give him, how could some one do such a thing? It amazes me how people can be so wicked and heartless.

I look at all the stones surounding John's and they have not been touched. This my not be the place to post this but would like to know if this has happened to any of you, and if so what did you do about it?

I am sorry if this post offends anyone but gee whiz I just don't understand.

Thanks for letting me vent

Lucette Johnny's mom forever 22

[kathy714]

Dear jscmom,i have not had anything taken from Nathan's site,but the place where Nate is ,is fairly new and it covers just a small area.Maybe you can talk to the grounds keeper,and he can keep a watch for anything strange going on around your son's site,I can't believe it but people actually do take things from the sites,because of that they tried to stop people from bringing flowers ,where my mom is. I hope you are able to find out who or what is doing this so you can have some peace T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Mark,i hope you were able to find some peace today,and all went well ,like mambets,i feel you are such a strong example and very deadicated to this site,you are such a good listener and have helped so many during their times of despair,you are in my thoughts and prayers,T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

Dear Artina,thank you for your reply,it helps to hear from others.I know that someday things might be better,i think some of the anxiety and fear comes from that i have loss so many close family members in the last couple of years,that when i loss Nathan i just couldn't believe i could loss someone else so close to me.A parent never thinks they will lose their children,and after they lose 1 child,now i am scared to death that something could happen to my other son,or my husband.Maybe it's a fear of being alone,because that's how i feel now without Nathan here with me[in physical form].Also how come it seems like some people loss so many and others go through life with barely any losses. I'm sorry ,i think i'm babbling,time for sleep .Thanks for listening..T/C Kathy Nate's mom

[enufalreddy]

Artina-thank you for acknowledging my post.I'm not going to get away with not cooking at all. Husband always wants dinner cooked here so he has his leftovers but he is also willing and capable of cooking the dinner. So I will play it by ear. My hardest time will be after dinner as that is when Walt would stretch out and fall asleep on my living room floor and sleep like a baby. Contented ,comfortable and full. So I plan to leave after dinner if possible and go play Scrabble or cards with friends or family. I know I won't get through it without tears but I will get through it.I'm not inviting any of the grandkids for dinner this year though because they don't need to have to see me crying in my plate.I feel better just knowing I have a plan for the day now.Thanks to all who post here...Erma

[mamabets]

For Jscson- I have heard of people doing this at people's cemetery plots, and to stop the problem from continuing, they have done the exact same thing!!! Put up a sign with your pumpkins and I for one will be quite surprised if it continues. What an awful thing to have to go through, but nothing could be as awful as that day when our lives changed forever. Maybe that will make it a little easier- I think of that alot- "Nothing will ever hurt like that- I am somehow shielded from this agony, others yes, but this- NO". But, this that you have now really hurts, I bet!!!! Hang tough and know that we are all with you when you have to do this. Talk to my Danny while you leave the note- He is our pumpkin angel for he was born on Halloween!!! He listens- Look for hearts in the sky!!!! There are alot of them there and in desperate times of need, he shows me hearts. I was in Florida at a family wedding over the weekend and his hearts were everywhere!!! My 80 year old mother and my niece were finding them in their travels!!! He even appeared on the pew in the church... A beautiful cutout of a heart on the dark wood pew!!! xomamabets

[mamabets]

For alwaysmyjennifer- I was moved in reading your note this morning. I will try to always remember the ghetto kid who grew up addicted when I get down. I was not- I was one of the fortunate ones- Addicted later on, but a tremendous amount of family support to get me through. And, it continues today. I have a great husband, a fabulous daughter and grandaughter, and a list of siblings with grown nieces and nephews that shared the dance floor with me at a nieces wedding this past weekend. My Danny's love of 15 years was also with us- She said that her fondest memory was seeing me smile and dance all night!!! She spent one lonely evening on a dark highway looking for Danny the night of his accident. She saw the accident, stopped and asked the guy who hit him what happened and when he told her that he had hit someone that was standing in the road, her response was "Oh, that would not be my boyfriend over there- He would never stand in the middle of a road" To see her on the dance floor with a man that has seen her through this tragedy and more, it seems, was wonderful. Danny was with us all as we all saw "hearts" everywhere- I still fall apart and thought of you so often doing the same over the weekend and I felt so sad because I have this vision of you as being this happy person, in spite of all that life has dealt you- My story with Danny is published here on the loss site and I talk of others horror stories- You are right up there and therefore, remain to be such an inspiration to me. A thankless position to be in, please don't ever think so, because I have felt this deadened heart of mine still beat, and your pain reminded me that I can feel beyond that. How is your wife and how far is Ali from you? Please keep in touch with me- Do you have a doggie?? Somehow I see you with a little doggie like mine- DOXIES!! I have 4 of them and they adore us and stay like little puppies forever!! xomamabets

[maskott]

In reading some of these posts, I had to put my fears in writing also. Even though Matthew passed away from self medication, I fear for my other children. Every time they leave the house, I have to say "please drive carefully". I've said it many times before, but I say it a little louder and a lot bolder now. I don't think I could deal with a phone call saying....When they are not home, besides my constantly thinking of Matthew, I'm worrying if they are alright. I seem to be worried all the time now. Thanks for listening.

My heart and prayers are with you all, for I know you are all going through what I am. To alwaysmyjennifer, as with the others, you are always here for strength and support even when you are going through a hard time yourself. I thank you for your support and pray for peace for you.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

mamabets, thank you so much for the kindness. I'm happy for you, that you have the support you need to be free from the addiction, and that Danny's love was there with you for such a beautiful occasion. When it gets a overwhelming, we're always here. If it weren't for all the caring people here, I know I would have crashed and burned long ago.

My wife went through a very long and painful night, so I'm hoping she'll sleep for a little this morning. Her health has me down to about three or four hours of sleep daily. Sadly, my wife is allergic to dogs and long haired cats. For that reason, we keep siamese cats. Yesterday was fun with Ali. Thanks for asking. She's only about two hours away, so we can see each other often. I think it's good for me to have her this close, which has helped me dealing with this pain of losing Jenni.

Have the best of days today.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Maskott, I appreciate your kindness. I've come to realize that we all contribute here, and I am indebted to everyone here so much for helping me through so many losses in my life. I can't take without returning a little, so I hope that I can help someone just a bit on their journey. Thanks for being you. I hope your day is filled with peace.

[mamabets]

For Maskott- First let me start by saying that I admire those of us that have reached out for help so early on in this process- I was not one of us, and while I understand that we are all grieving in our own way, the earlier one can get this kind of support, the better, without question. So, we welcome you in your sorrow. Second, being overprotective is so normal- It took me awhile to realize that something could happen to my Jackie and my Julia too- Julia is my grandaughter, Jackie's little one. Jackie still helps to take care of me- I was very fragile going into this, having been so sad for Danny alot of the time when he was still alive. I have been treated for depression for quite some time now. I am one of the lucky ones, but I did become suicidal after this happened. It is such a momentary thought, as I found out and can talk about now, having survived it. I understand it, but having been through it, I know that when it is your time, very often it just is. I shut down completely at the thought of Jackie not being here- COMPLETELY!!!! So, know that whatever you are feeling as a mother, be gentle with yourself and just go with it. We have been through the worst thing possible!!! xomamabets