Loss of an Adult Child

[lostwoher]

Zachysmom, I am so sorry your husband and you have been given yet another blow in life. Hold on tight as each of us are here holding on to you as well. I just dont understand how our fellow humans can mistreat one another.

Lynn

[lolynbo]

I JUST WANT TO SAY...:

BETHANY, BETHANY, BETHANY.......WE LOVE YOU...HUGG YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY AND COMFORT THEM..THEY NEED TO FEEL YOU RIGHT NOW THIS WEEK....

WELL KOURTNEY HELPED ME WITH THAT....

[zachysmom]

My husband just got off the phone with his attorney. He has sunk deeper into depression. His attorney told him that when he talked to the judge that the judge said he might make my husband do 30 days in jail. I know I will lose my husband if he goes to jail. I couldn't take losing my husband too. Not to mention what it would do to my daughter. I HATE HAMILTON OHIO!!!!!

[ericasmom]

ZAch's Mom, why on Earth would the lodge, a brotherhood, turn your husband away at this time or any time? I don't get that at all. As far as the bomb threat, if you do not feel comfy tomorrow, then keep your Girl home, but by no means make her afraid, you could just say that we are taking a day at home. It is so hard to feel safe again after we lose a child of any age under any circumstances, so please know that we too would be feeling the worry that hit your lives today.

Sonya, I meant to address that issue last week, it has been far too busy. I remember sitting at the computer one evening las tweek and falling asleep while I was trying to read posts. I would say though that there are usually two reasons why most kids report being bored, one is as Lynn said, they are ahead and the constant review of what they already know is boring. It just is adn the teach should be able to see that and offer your Daughter some higher level reading. Has she read the IVY and BEAN series. It is cute. There are 4 books so far. Anyhow, there should be diverse learning opportunities within any classroom. The other reason kids get bored is the opposite reason, they are struggling adn feel pretty poorly about it and so have an aversion to work and feel bored or agitated. I have 4 work avoiders this year already, one I am in a meeting about tomorrow morn as she finds every reason under the sun to not read,,, well she can't read well, she feels miserable when those around her are reading better than she is adn since almost everything involves reading, she avoids work. I am on her like white on rice though, and so we are going to try to get her tested so that she can receive the help she needs, dollars to doghnuts she has a learning disability and subsequent attention defecit. Her ADD could be chemical or in my opinion, a response to getting to third grade without anyone helping her learn to read. Goodness knows how I felt at that same age, pretty poorly. But Sonya, it sounds like Mattie, is bored for the first reason. Now what happened to Lynn's son could be what happens to many with giftedness, and that is the teachers make them do double the work rather than gives them work that offers double the challenge. Give kids work that helps keep them vested and wanting more. Research work and book reports, map studies and all sorts of things that can be about the same ideas that the class is doing but beyond...

Good luck with it all, let me know if you want any suggestions of projects.

dee

[zachysmom]

They turned against him because he went over their heads. My husband told them he was going to give our son his apron and they threw a fit. So my husband called the district deputy and told him what happened. Also the upcoming master is not ready to be master and my husband is and he is threatened. Also I have some muslim friends who came to my sons visitation and they now feel threatened by my husbands presence at the lodge. Gotta love ignorance. If you would like to know we had a funeral prayer at the local mosque because although none but my 2 friends knew me the community donated money to cover the funeral costs for our son. It was wonderful so many of the men carried our son to the front of the mosque there was no where to touch the coffin. Even now they have given us money to live on because neither of us are working. Muslims are not the evil people that some think they are.

[shorty16]

To all my BI friends,

It seems my employer has blocked the BI site.  I am asking to have it reinstated, because BI helps me through the day.

Dee - Bears fan Huh?  Well, I will not rub it in that we won at the last minute.  Both teams looked bad, but with all the hype of Cutler, WOW 4 interceptions.  Hope your students are treating you well.  I bet they nominate you for Teacher of the Year.

Lynn - I am glad Dustin had a large attendance at his funeral.  Just shows how loved he was and will continue to be.  So your husband is a Vikings fan.  I wonder how happy he will be once Brett starts throwing more interceptions then completed passes? 

Greg - 5 years without Brian.  I wonder if it gets any easier.  I wonder if just one hour will go by when we do not miss our Brian's so very much.  You are a wonderful father to keep the car show going.  My hat is off to you.

Mamabets - Sorry about your health issues.  I am sending healthy thoughts your way.  Take care of yourself.

Zachs Mom - So sorry about the lodge and the court system.  I am praying for you and your family.  My husband works for Kohls' Department Stores Corporate Office.  They had a bomb scare about 2 years ago and sent all 3000 people home for the day.  Searched the building with bomb-sniffing dogs and nothing was found.  Hope that is the same for you.

Kathy - So glad Tavian is with you.  What a great Grandma you are, a tent in the living room?  My kids would do that in their rooms, downstairs or outside - you are awesome. 

Dan - Love the H in black granite.  What a tribute.  For all of you that have grave sites, it must be wonderful to actually go somewhere to acknowledge your child.  I love seeing the photos posted of the grave sites.  Brian did not want to be buried.  Weird we had talked about that with a 16 year old.  I do not remember how the conversation started.

Sonya - My daughter just got another tatoo - Brians signature from his lisence.  It looks great.  She had the original tatoo remembering Brian on the lower part of her neck and onto her back.  Brian's signature is under that.  The signature is black with a red outline (his favorite colors.)  It is a wonderful tribute to her brother.

Sherry - Gad you are back - Good to see your sons picture again.

Carol - Congrats to Cathi for her promotion.  I remember you telling us she loves her job.  Glad her job loves her also.

Marcia - How are the taxes and the adoption papers coming?  Hope all is well with you.  Thinking of you as Bethany's 1st angelversary approaches.  I will be right there next to you ( in spirit ).

Lorri - Glad your cruise was awesome "Kourtney Rose" What a wonderful way to start your cruise.

Bonnie - Wishing you well as you jouney into the legal system with your nephew who ripped-off Jason's company.  I do not know how someone- let alone family- can do that to another.  I am sending warm thoughts your way as I look forward to my mini-vacation in Virgina.  I used to camp, so I am not a stranger to it.

Trudi - Thinking of you down under.  Hope the strong drink helped!  Hope you had or are going to have a wonderful time with grandkids.  Those of you who have children from your child are so lucky.  9 months after Brian died, I was almost, almost hoping someone would come forward with his child.  No luck.

My job is really busy now.  With the recent lay-off, I now have 2 jobs.  I do not mean to complain, because I should be happy I have a job, just wish it was not 50 hour weeks.

I miss you-all with my company blocking the site.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

 

[ericasmom]

How sad Zachys mom, that folks actually look at a whole people and judge them due to their own ignorance. Muslims are a peaceful people, their beliefs are simply different than Christian beliefs. NOT wrong, not weird, just different. I try to instill that in my 3rd graders, different isn't wrong. We see the ignorance with the racism that continues to rip apart great countries still, including our own country. I am deeply sorry that you are all dealing with more sad times, and the thought of your husband being put in jail is too much for you right now. I can't say as any of us can blame you. I do not understand the mindset of the folks in charge. Don't they see that yours is a family in mourning?

Let us know how things unfold.

Col, you are too funny, football snob! I agree, we both played poorly but we sucked! And now our big guy, finally healthy, breaks his wrist and is out the whole season...man, that is not good. Well thanks for the vote of confidence with the teaching, I will brag now; I was nominated for Golden Apple which looks at around 850 teachers in the Chicagoland area, and I made it to the 30 finalists, but then did not win one of the 10 spots. I do however, have a plaque in my school office...I am proud of that because I know how dear my work is to me. The little ones this year? WEll let's say it is going to take some work. BIG WORK. They were thrilled however, and have worked for two days, to answer our first pen pal letters from Duntroon, New Zealand. We have been writing adn learning all about friendly letters. Fun stuff, and yet the behaviors and lack of ability to actually listen to direction is pretty tiring. Oh well, baby steps. Oh Trudi, tell your Grandgirl that Ms. Mrozek will take letters from your Grandgirls class, she teaches fifth grade. Lincoln School

                                                                         1111 S. Grove Ave.

                                                                          Oak Park, Illinois  60304

Lynn, my thoughts flurry around Dustin and all of you as you find ways to cope and go forward with the unanswered questions. Prayers for healing.

Peace and understanding-

dee

Claudia, wherever you are, I hope that it is wonderful.

[nicksdad]

Zach's Mom...that is crazy never heard of something like that. I don't even consider it going over their head. That is his right to talk to the Deputy or anyone else for that matter.

[zachysmom]

That's the thing because we really have not had time to mourn because of the ignorance of others

[lolynbo]

I HOPE CLAUDIA DONT MIND BUT THIS IS OFF HER FACE BOOK COMMENT...:

Claudia Labrador

it's because i've been traveling...had a red-eye flight last night and arrived in Raleigh at 9 this morning. Got my new driver's license today and have been enjoying time with my dear friend Amanda. Heading to IL Thursday...and will go to bed soon for some sleep. xoxoxo

 

SHE HSNT SLEPT IN 40 HOURS..

LETS PRAY FOR HER SAFE TRAVELS PLZ

[summergirl]

Valinda - so glad to see you post, I know how hard it is for you at this time but my heart fills with joy to see you here - come when you can. Thank you, Tavian is quite the little man, at 7 he is more mature than most due to the loss of his mommy when he was just 4 - also Jessica was one TOUGH mommy - being a single mom, working she had to be so he learned much early on - it is hard still for me to realize that Barry and I are raising another child at our age but what a blessing he is and so much like Jessica that when I look at him sometimes it is as though she stands in front of me. Take care and hope to talk again soon. I am ALWAYS here on BI each night, e-mail or a phone call away. MATT, MATT, MATT - you keep on sending energy to your mom.

Zachsmom - I am so sorry to hear of your misfortunes - what a horrible thing to do to your husband - ignorance is all I can say. I pray that none of those people ever have to face what you and yours are going through - but it sure makes me mad that they cannot find it in their pea sized brains to have some sympathy - shame on them. I will pray for your husband, he will make it my friend, love him and hold on tight. As far as the bomb threat I would be the same way so keep your daughter home if that is what you feel. After losing a child our fears become that much more intense then before so go with your feelings.

Lynn - I am so sorry that Dustin's partner is having to deal with so much, the loss and having to work through it is much more than one can endure - but she must for her son, I understand that part. Please let us know more about the fund raisers as I would like to do something. I pray that they solve this horrible crime soon.

Sonya - thinking of you my friend as Danielle's 23rd birthday approaches, so many diffacult days that we face but am glad that you no longer have to fake smile. I too only had Barry and I at the cemetery for Jessica's birthday July 21 - she would have been 30 and I cannot accept that, I cannot get her past 26 and I was so deep into the black hole that I wanted to share with no one but Barry. I hold you tight my friend.  The wedding will be hard for you but stand strong as we seem to have to do more often then we want to.

Trudi - I am praying that all is well with little Zak - I know the feeling of panic when you know in your heart that it is treatable and not a life threatning illness but I panic each time Tavian says he does not feel well and want to call the doctor ASAP. I always have that voice in the back of my head saying "what if it is someting serious" and have to talk myself down. Right now he has a physical set for October 6 and I am already worried that they will find something - must stop this craziness!!!

Marcia -  I hold you tight my friend as Sunday approaches for you and your husband. You have come so far and have done so much in the name of your Bethany and I know that Bethany is so very proud of you - she LIVED and you keep that in your words and all that you do. BI is blessed to have you here, I sure know I am.

Colleen - I am not so sure I am awesome allowing the tent in the livingroom but I just can't resist when I look at those two little faces and see the excitement there. They were so cute inside there playing nintendo's and watching movies. I used to be a neat freak, nothing out of place, no clutter - well that certainly has changed - the dishes will still be in the sink tomorrow, the dustballs will eventually get vacuumed - much more important and fun to have play time - they grow to fast.   Our bike rides are great, I come home from work grab my bike and ride to the school to get him and then we bike ride for a bit. Today we came straight home as he was starving!! I swear that boy can put away the food!!

Dee - yes he is quite the catch and the fish was great too!!! Too funny.

Today was very weird for me - my husband woke me up as usual at 6 a.m. and I would not get out of bed!!!  He got Tavian's breakfst, made his lunch, took him to school and called me in sick - I slept unitl 10:30 and woke up freaked out - it was as though I was in a dream state and only remember bits and pieces of Barry and Tavian getting ready and leaving. I went to the beach and read but was constantly trying to figure out what happened to me????? I have never been a late sleeper and never have I not gotten up with Tavian - it scared me but maybe my body and mind just needed to rest because I feel fine.  Crazy?????

Much love to all and as always keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, my family. Kathy

[hotsauce]

Hello to all the BI members,

Have been doing a lot of reading the last couple of days no posting just reading.  Went back a little over a year and it seems that some of you members are doing quite well on this new life journey.

I know you all miss your children and there is not a think we can do to get them back.

Most of the regulars on here have become very good friends and I think that is great.  Some seem so close that it is hard to believe that you don't all live close by each other. 

I guess that is why I haven't posted.  Some of you are farther down the road and I feel so new and fresh (4mos) that it is hard to connect.

Most of you have husband/wife, children and other family members so maybe you had to fight faster and harder to get were you are.

Being alone - no family at all - most are angels themself - it is hard to move on.  Like my life as I knew it is different, not the same.  So why get up in the morning.

I know this may not make and sense, but I just wanted to say how happy I am for each and every one of you.

I guess I just needed to say something to try and feel alive.  Thanks for reading.

Marcia and Larry I hope you feel Bethany all day Saturday, you are in my prayers.

mary ann

 

 

[summergirl]

Maryanne - when I first came to BI I was so terrified, all seemed to know each other and the connections they shared was something I never thought I would feel but I knew it was the place for me - after a month of so of reading I was finally able to post and though it took me time to become comfortable I did - we are all connected yet some in different ways. I became connected to one person in the beginning and I know it was for a reason, now I am connected to all. Yes, most of us have family, other children, friends, some have lost their only child, some more than one. The thing I believe in my heart is that if you are led here then you are meant to be here, whether you post each day or once a month we accept all with open arms, loving hearts and try our best to comfort in anyway we can. No - we will never be the same people we were before our loss but that is the one of the things we have in common here, knowing we will never be who we were but we become better than who we were - a lot of time, tears and pain but we do find life again. Jessica was my world, my daughter, my best friend and life without her is a dull ache that never goes away, the shattered heart that beats in my chest will never be whole again but I choose to keep her remembered and her love for life goes on through me and her son Tavian. Yes, having Tavian has made me move forward, he was 4 and all my energy went into him so yes I have that. I cannot imagine the pain you have with no family or friends (that you care for) but I know that you have us here and we will never abandon you as long as you come here and even if you do not we will always hold you close to our hearts and our prayers will always include you.  I consider you my friend and hope someday to be able to meet you. Hold tight my friend, hold tight.  Much peace, Kathy

[hotrod]

Hello MaryAnn 

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.   4 months is such a short time .

I just want you to know you are not alone. I understand how you feel about posting etc.  .  My husband passed away 20 years ago and I lost my only son, Stephen 2 years ago.  Since Stephen passed my life is not the same  It is very very different. 

I do not have any family but I come here and feel connected to all the parents who share there thoughts and feelings and feel better

I know I  don't have to write every day but I find it essential for my mental health to just come here and read.  I know I am welcome in what ever capacity I can participate in and so are you. 

Marcia thinking of you during this difficult time.

Stephen's Mom

Betty 

[mikesmum]

Maryann - I found BI to the place that dissolved the miles and shone a light into the darkness.  There were others who were further along who gave me hope tempered with a warning that the clouds will still gather and the days can be dark, but it does and did get softer. Most of all they let me know what I felt was 'normal'?!?

Back here in my town, I am seen as presenting quite well, getting over it.  But I have no 'friends' they went with my job.  My family have moved on at what seems to me to be lightening speed, but really its almost 3yrs.

Dee - different isn't wrong nor is it bad.  Hard to impress that upon others when these day the theories are so skewed.

Have Miss Jeya home with me today.  Zak's little sister.  Zak's temp dropped under 40 and like you said Carol, he is on the mend.  Hospital avoided (thank you whoever).  This darling girl was only 4wks old when Mike left.  She is now almost 3. Miss Harmony is 4 next week.

Jeya walks, talks, sings and hugs the best ever hugs...another marker to show me how much I missed in the blink of an eye. 

Zachysmom - I can't remember a group of Masons turning on one of their own in such a time of need.  Going over the head of the local committee should signal there was a breakdown in communications, not a sign of disrespect.  I hope the Judge reviews his thinking and sees the pain you your husband & your family are already in.

Colleen - don't know much about Gridiron, but my team Collingwood, are in the sudden death finals this Saturday (Aussie Rules). Goooooooo Pies!!

Dee - take care of yourself.  Fatigue is something that can send you to the floor.

Claudia - Know how she feels, MN - LAX - Honolulu via Alaska (storm avoidance) saw me without sleep for what seemed to be eternity.

  Grandbaby napping.....aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Cute

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Maryann, I know what you mean......but keeping coming and reading it will do you good......Everyone does seem to know each other and formed friendships but that does not mean we are not part of it......I only had to ask and Dan posted pictures of my son and my daughter for me.....those kind of things just simply touch my heart the way nothing else can.........

Marcia; already a year.....I am not good at keeping up.....but its a rough one......and I will be thinking of you......

Can't sleep as usual and my goodness can't take sleeping pills every darn night; but I am so tired I can't read and I am weepy and lonely tonight......and feeling sorry for myself ; you probably can't tell; heh???? Missing my Tanner and being pretty hard of myself tonight....Can't help it....

Blessing to all; Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama. Sept. 15, 2009

[mikesmum]

Presenting Miss Jeya, Stevens baby girl.  A day with Granma, something I rarely have with her.  The energy is amazing and my heart is light when she is here, I crash when she leaves - my heart aching.

MEERKATS MEERKATS MEERKATS

Horse ride only 20 cents - bargin

Gerber from Granma's garden for Mummy..shhhhhh

[arc4ever]

Thought I would share a couple of photos.

Adam's cross country coach put together the Adam Carter Memorial Cross Country Invitational and we attended last night.

We gave out medalions, time "chits" and trophies.  It was very hard, but I'm glad we did it, many of the kids who ran (11 schools were there) remembered Adam and his red hair while he ran.  And we had a really nice conversation with one of the boys from another school after his race, he remembered running with Adam and how they would run side by side and joke and race each other.  He said the entire time he ran last night's race he held out two fingers on each hand (22) it was Adam's cross country number.  He told us we raised a very nice young man.  What a nice thing that young did - he has now idea how he made our day.

The first picture is me and Paul with our high school team (the boys and girls took second place in the meet).  The thumbs up is a thing in our family.  Adam would give us a thumbs up in so many photos - from the time he was a little guy on.  So we all gave a thumbs up for Adam.

The second photo is Paul talking to some of the boys.  He tried to make sure he told as many of them as he could "Make sure you tell your parents you love them".  It was important to Paul, we as a family always told each other that we loved them.  Not all kids get to hear that, and not all parents get to hear it from their children - we did it every day.  "Love you Adam - love you too mom".

Terrie (Adam's mom)

[arc4ever]

second one

[zachysmom]

Just got out of court.

180 days suspended.

2 years probation.

500 + court costs.

And talks at hpd ccw classes for 2 years.

It wasn't a communication breakdown at his lodge. It was holier than thou fools who think they run everything and that my husband should be afraid of them because they are richer than him. One of the people who ripped my husband apart was a county judge

[nicksdad]

Terrie that is super that the coach did that. Very nice pictures and amazing how something like that boy telling you that story can make your day...That is truly a nice thing that young man did and like you said "he has no idea"

Mikemom..The pic's of Miss Jeya are beautiful..the sleeping one makes me wish I could just take a nap myself.

[briansdad]

Just a little story to make you all smile.I guess this is one reason to get up in the AM.

My daughter was over at the house doing laundry.She brought my grandaughter Brianna who is not quite three.I fell asleep watching TV. While I was sleeping she took off my socks and cleaned my feet with wet ones. You talk about waking up to a strange feeling. WOW! I guess she thought my feet were dirty.

[hotrod]

Terrie

Thank you  for posting the pictures.  It is wonderful how you continue to honor Adam.  I am so happy that the young runner was able to talk to you and tell you how he and Adam had connected and touched each others spirit.

MikesMom 

Thanks for always posting and sharing your positive energy. Pictures are precious.

[ericasmom]

Hilarious Greg, how do your feet smell now? Evergreen-ish? Sunflower-ish?

What a cute little one.

Terrie, how very special, those words and the image of the two fingers on each hand to represent Adam's number, a world of healing from that one young man. That is one person remembering your Boy, your Sweet Adam. You raised a great young man Terrie and Dad.

Zachysmom, I don't know what the initials mean, is this a better outcome than expected earlier?

Hey Trudi, give that little Jeya a big old hug from me please.

Maryanne, I am so glad that Betty said what she did, and Cindy too, they are newer to this than many of us, but they know that they are part of this. When I came here 5.5 years ago, there were many ahead of me on the road, but I found myself connecting to some and maybe not all, nevertheless, I found that I looked forward to being here, to learn and to be listened to by others who really understood. Oh I so wish that I could make yu a cup of coffee or tea and sit on the deck and talk with you.

Love,

Dee

[zachysmom]

Dee this is a lot better than we had thought. He does have 6 months of jail time hanging over his head but he won't have to serve it unless he violates his probation which he won't. The initials hpd stands for hamilton police department and ccw stands for concealed carry of weapon.

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Hilarious Greg, how do your feet smell now? Evergreen-ish? Sunflower-ish?

What a cute little one.

I'm lucky she didn't stick one of those little tree shaped auto air fresheners between my toes.

[zachysmom]

Wait till next time it will be nail polish

[mikesmum]

Dan - Thankfully no one took a pic of Granma, unconscious about 2hr after Jeya left....snoring till this am!  Smells of Johnsons Baby powder can send me to sleep....a peaceful clean and innocent smell

Greg - She must of thought now would be a good time to help out with the cleaning, starting with your feet! 

Smells of Johnsons Baby powder can send me to sleep....a peaceful clean and innocent smell

Terrie - What a great way to honour your boy - getting the message across to 'say I love you each day' a pay it forward act. 

Dee - Hugs aplenty coming back at you.

Off to NIA, dog walking and then to the National park for some 'silent reflection'.

I am trying to get this idea together and would love some feedback.  It started with the reunion boards and has been growing.   Its based on the Space betweens Breath concept but is about here, on BI.

Video's from those here in their home town telling their story but expanding it to include where they are now - how they honour their kids.  Things like videos from Brian's Car Show, Erifest, Pinnicle Days, scholarships presentations.  How we might 'celebrate' the lives of our kids - e.g. balloon releases.  How losing a child has changed how we think and that in turn affects change in other ways.

Just a thought - I'm no Spielberg but I think this is something that might help the healing and spread the word - its okay to go on, our kids are never ever forgotten.....

 

[shorty16]

Hello everyone at BI

My yesterday did not go well.  Aaron went to the volleyball game at the HS and Mike was there.  Aaron was so upset, he left the gym crying.  Mike is graduated, why can't he move on with his life?!?

I cannot help but think they have no respect for us as a bereaved family.  How can Mike still show up at the school knowing the brother of the boy he killed goes to the school??????

I also found out the Mike is signing up to be a vollunteer coach for my son's wrestling team.  Mike is a felon.  How can a felon teach our kids. - Teachers - what do you think?

I really need to forgive, but the anger just surfaces and I cannot push it back in.  It kills me to see Mike go on with his life, when my life is so different and so changed.  Everyday is a new life experience that Brian is not part of.  Everyday, Brian dies again and misses out on life.

Please help me to see straight when I see Mike.  Please help me.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I have been thinking about your ideas for a few days, and have loved the ways that this could help so many on this Earth. And remember, Spielberg is no Granma Trudi. Ha. I love that you are out in the open air finding the ways to be inspired in nature. How lovely. I also have been thinking about the reunion, well the next one will really be a reunion, so let's chat.

Zachy's mom, I am very happy that this is better than what it could have been. You guys needed some better news. How is your little Girl? How was school and did they get to the bottom of the threats there? What bigger city do you live near in Ohio?

Greg. truly, that would be very funny if you had that hanging on your toes. I was a maid when I was 15, at a Holiday INN, and we had to put the Sani-strip across the toilet, now if you wake up with that, you are in big trouble. Zachysmom is right, next time you will have painted toes.

Love to all, absolute and total love.

Prayers for a young woman, only 26 a few blocks over, who died yesterday from cancer. Her younger sister goes to college with my dear special niece Laura. Laura called me two weeks ago adn said that her friend's sister was supposed to beat this cancer, that she even signed a lease on an apartment in Chicago now that she was getting better, adn then it all went to heck. She died. I don't know the family, but I will definitely meet them and be there if ever they need. Just like all of you are for everyone else here. It is what we do, we grab hold of the next outstretched hand and lift when we can.

[ericasmom]

Col, we posted at the same time, I will go for a walk and think of your question. Post later.

love,

dee

Be assured though, that even though you probably meant it as a figure of speech or the way it feels to you, Brian died one time. He doesn't keep hurting, please don't fear for him. He is fine, I know that you keep hurting, of course you do. Each hurdle is another blow, but Brian is smiling on you and his whole family and probably on Mike. Remember, Mike has a younger brother right? At the same school with Aaron? Maybe that is why he is there. Maybe too, this is his way to pay back to the town, to his school. I guess I answered what i would have felt while walking. Your anger is real, not to be taken lightly but to be understood. I think that Aaron feels similarly, but the fact is, the town has to be big enough for both families. Somehow, Mike has to learn how to find his place and while your Son does not get to find his place anymore, if it were reversed, he would also be facing this world in which he is a felon. Hard one Col, but as a teacher, and just as a human who did not always use good judgement, people scroo up, we make terrible mistakes, but they are that, mistakes. I do believe that somehow, Mike is trying to find a way to be a good person.

love you Col, hope i did not say anything that makes you more sad.

[arc4ever]

Colleen, I am so sorry.  You are right Mike should not be able to volunteer.  Try to do what you can (or are able to) to let the school and the coach know your feelings.  Even writing letters (heck I'll write one if you tell me who and where to send it!) 

People need to be educated in how to deal with bereaved parents and bereaved siblings, if not us to do what we can, then who?

Terrie (Adam's mom)

[ericasmom]

I am not sure why he would be allowed to be the coach for Aaron's team however.

[mikesmum]

I get where you are Colleen.  I have been trying to write to Amanda, calmly, rationally and without the anger.  It is sooooo hard.  I know in my 'clinical thinking brain' that Mike died as a result of his actions, everything else was just 'crap' on top.  But my emotional heart driven brain screams, nooo nooo she didn't call the ambulance for 40+ mins, I didn't call him that night, could've, should've.

I don't know  the school policy re felons and coaching, that might be something you need to look into.  Perhaps speak with the school counsellor and phys ed teacher about the interaction and affect it has on your youngest. 

Mike did a dumb thing, driving with Brian or anyone on the bonnet of his car.  He lost a friend, not in the heat of the moment, not through a thought out act but skylarking as many many young people do - they are bullet proof just ask them!  The ripple affect for him will continue to permiate through his life.  Granted he still has his, but if the roles were reverse and Brian had the driver what would your thinking be?

I need to educate my heart that hurting Amanda, blaming her, forbidding her to live her life when Mike can't achieves nothing.  In fact it only serves to bind me in anger and another life is metaphorically lost. 

I hope that  you can find a place where your boy is able to work through much of what is still in side held tight with thoughts of his brother.  I hope you find the strength to find the answers to the questions that fuel the anger..... I'll be there looking for mine too...

[summergirl]

Greg - way too cute and too funny - can't believe you slept through the whole thing, guess Grandpa was tired. Beware of any nail polish in the house!!!

Trudi - love the idea. Your Jeya is just simply beautiful - love the pic of her sleeping holding the flower - not much more innocent than that!!

Love the pics and the story behind it - all those running and the 2 fingers held up for #22 and the thumbs up - tears.

Thoughts on the anger at the "other" person - although I did not lose my Jessica at the hands of another person I felt much anger towards Tavian's DD - Jessica loved him so much for the 5 years they were together and he broke her heart - she wanted marriage and more children, she wanted Tavian to know his dad and wanted his dad to know, love and be with him - he ended up doing nothing but hurting Jessica. Then when she passed it took him less then a week to file for social security - lying to them by telling them he had custody of Tavian and always had (while we were filing papers for full-custody) - he moved to the next girlfriend and had a baby with her and moved on again - I wanted him to be where Jessica was and her here, I wanted him to feel the pain that he caused her and the pain that Tavian will face as he grows older. I finally let go and just tried not think about him (not easy) but when I did it was horrible thoughts. Now he is in jail for 5 years and then will be deported for life back to the Dominican Republic - so I guess my angry thoughts came true. Now, well I feel bad for his family, his mother, sister's and brother - did it do me any good to feel such anger? Did it bring my Jessica back?? All it did was take away energy from me, energy that I could have used for more positive things. I do not know Colleen how I would feel if I were in your shoe's or other's that have been through losing a child due to another's actions - I only know that my anger got me no where and now that I have let go of it I can forgive as I know my Jessica would want me too.   Sorry for going on but it feels good to let it out.

Peaceful dreams and love to all - Kathy

[mpsmom]

Just a quick note, thank you to all who are keeping me in your prayers, as wonderful as I thought I was doing, one breath at a time, this upcoming weekend has had some very crippling effects on my heart... because of all of you I know I will live through it.... and yes, one day I will smile again..... one day..............................

I wanted to post the project that has been keeping me busy this last week, as you all (mostly) know, my Bethany was a shoe snob... she had lots and lots of shoes... this is the project I asked Larry's Rotary club to fund.... Wish I could show the pictures of the kids' smiling faces, but that is a violation of their privacy and we honored that..... but the feet look 'happy' don't they???

I love you all, and feel you all holding me up as I collapse... I will get thru this weekend, thank you all...

Love, Marcia Bethany's Mom Forever

[mpsmom]

Here I am with the kindergarten thru 2nd graders, they were adorable.   No that is not a 3 legged child, one little girl could not squeeze in without touching shoulders with a boy.......EWWWW. ......so she stuck one foot out for the pictures... Wish I could have captured their smiles....  each child received a new pair of shoes,  the girls were able to request their favorite color and the boys whether they wanted slip-on sneaks or lace-ups and they each got a six pack of socks...

[mikesmum]

Marcia - Now that's the smiling face I remember from MN.  Random acts of kindness in memory of our kids....now that's keeping their memory alive.

Kathy - I'm with you..the anger only chewed up time & energy that I could have shared with my family, living for Mike one day at a time.....might be late but I'm doing it now....

Late breaking news - Zak took a dive overnight.  Looks like hospital for him.  His mum also is unwell.  She has a condition where her eyeballs rupture with small ulcers preventing her from seeing.  This is her worst bout to date.  These guys struggled thru some truly heavy 'crap' to be together - pls keep them in your positive pile for the time being....Many thanks...TRudi

[mpsmom]

Trudi, I am so sorry to hear little Zak has to go to the hospital , it can be such a scary place for a child... I will keep him, his mom and your whole family in my prayers..

To those of you I have not posted to personally, I am so sorry, I just don't have it in me .... I hope you all understand,I promise I will return to my same old self soon... give me a few days.......... I love you all and you are all in my daily thoughts..... such a family we have here.... more than I could every imagine or ever ask for.. .thank you so very much ..

Marcia   Bethanys' Mom Forevedr

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I like your idea!  There’s some Speilberg in there somewhere!

I actually put Johnson’s baby powder on every night before I go to bed.

Greg,

You are too funny!

Colleen,

“It kills me to see Mike go on with his life, when my life is so different and so changed.”

I think you answered your own question. Your angst comes from the spot that says my son is gone and Mike you are still here.

Having a boy I know how loyal they are to each other. I watched Jason forgive so many times but he would always say, I know now that I can’t trust them. He could still be around them, still eat with them, still laugh with them, still play with them, but down inside he didn’t trust them.

I have to believe that Brian would not hold this accident against Mike. Yes, Mike was driving but Brian got on the hood of that car. Mike is a felon because he, along with Brian did something stupid that ended up horribly.  It would be different if he coerced Brian onto the hood of the car knowing that he would die.  You don't think or believe Mike's actions that night were intentional do you?  It’s not understandable, it never will be.

I also think that’s it possible that Mike (and others) didn’t realize that Aaron was going to be one of the kids he was coaching. I would bring that to someone’s attention and hope they understand. The loss of Brian is always with you, others have moved on. I don’t believe that Mike will ever forget the loss of Brian or his role in the loss of Brian. I personally would not want to be in his shoes knowing that my role in that evening of teenage thrill seeking took the life of my friend.

Now, having said all this, I think anger begets anger. I also believe that you and your husband are strong influences on your daughter and Aaron.

Have you guys ever sat down and talked about how Brian would want you to feel towards or treat Mike?  

I can’t even pretend to understand the circumstances of your loss but I do understand the loss.  I would do everything in my power to make my son proud and not to allow the loss of Brian to equate to the loss of forgiveness, compassion and understanding towards others.

Don’t let the loss of Brian change the people he knew and loved more than anything in the world. 

Hope tomorrow is better for you ......

Love!

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen:   Bonnie said:  "Don’t let the loss of Brian change the people he knew and loved more than anything in the world."  I agree with Bonnie, but we all know that we all do change after we lose a child...that has been said so many, many times on this site.  But, I think what Bonnie meant was to not let it change you all for the worse, but for the good; we must all strive so very hard to make those changes funnel down into a positive thing...positive thoughts, positive actions...to eventually come to some place where we can live with this heartbreak and know that we are honoring our child by doing so.   From what you've told us all about Brian, Colleen, we all know that he was a happy, outgoing, funny young man.  As a teenager, he was out for the thrill, like all of the rest of them, and even though he was not driving, I think that he would be among the first to say that Mike is having to live with this for the rest of his life, and perhaps Mike is trying to get on with his life in a positive way, in a way that he will be a positive influence on someone else.  I can't begin to imagine how much it must hurt to see Mike, breathing, laughing, enjoying life, but what does he do when he is alone with his thoughts....no one knows, but if history is any measure, I think he likely feels the pain that lives in his heart and will live there forever.  It is too bad that there can't be a time when you all can sit down and discuss this with each other, and perhaps some time in the future, discuss it with Mike.  As others here have said, as hard as it might be, maybe it would help to try to put yourself in the other family's shoes...the guilt is endless; the sorrow is there, the young man's life has changed forever...so has the life of his family.  Certainly not in any way near the changes that your family's life has endured...but this will not "go away" for them either...and while they do have their Mike to watch grow and mature, while you do not have your Brian, that growth and maturing will be forever tainted with sorrow over the loss of this young man's normal future....a felon has many restrictions on his/her life----every single job interview, school application, any type of application, his relationships he enters into, it will have to be noted that he is a felon...this will severely limit his opportunities, and this is something he has to live with, that constant reminder of what happened. 

I know this may sound crazy, and I most certainly don't mean to offend you, and please forgive me if I do, but I have heard of cases such as this where the families do come together, and provide strength for each other...perhaps this will be the case someday for you all, I don't know---likely there would have to be a lot more healing before this could even be thought of...as well as forgiving.   I do remember that there was a time back months ago, when you had tried to speak to some youth about the dangers of car surfing.  I recall that it was too painful for you at the time...but that doesn't take anything away from the wonderful idea that your plan was...perhaps at a later date, when you are stronger, you could attempt it again.  And, here is the crazy part, can you imagine what an impact this would have on those young people you are speaking to if, at some point in the future, it would work out that Mike would come with you, that he would speak also...I don't know if this is even conceivable, as I am sure the details would be so intense, and so much to work through first, and a whole lot of forgiveness needing to happen first.  It's just something to think about...or not, depending on how you feel about it.    I have met you Colleen, I have looked into your eyes, and seen into your heart...I have felt your pain and sensed your anguish.  I also saw a grieving, hurting mom, who misses her son terribly...but through that pain and sorrow, I saw a wonderful, caring mom who has the strength to work through this, and to find a way to somehow make something positive out of all this sorrow and pain in her life, and perhaps in the lives of others, not to mention the influence this would have on your children and perhaps help with their healing and forgiveness, as well.   

I can't hold you, and comfort you, like I wish that I could, neither can I give you answers...even if I somehow knew exactly what to do/say, my telling you wouldn't necessarily be what you need to do for YOU, and your other kids need to do for THEM.  I offer my prayers to you and your family, my heart goes out to you as you travel on this very painful part of your sorrow-filled journey, Colleen.  I am so very sorry that you and your family are having to go through this.  I hope that coming here and talking about it, letting some of it out, helps you somehow to be stronger, to be able to breathe when the breathing gets tough.  I am pressing the send button on this post with a huge prayer in my heart that somehow it will help you, that at least some of the words will provide some comfort to you, and you will feel some peace, even for a moment, during this tumultuous time for you and your family. 

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi...love the pics, thanks so much for sharing...  So sorry to hear about Zak...keeping you and all of your family in prayer for a speedy recovery.  I wish I could be there to hold your hand. 

Marcia:  you and Larry look so great with all your "happy feet!" recipients...I know that Bethany is smiling and filled with pride for you both.  Holding you close in thought this weekend.

Terrie:  The pics are great, and what a wonderful story for you to tuck away in your heart for all time...such a testament to how much your Adam was loved! 

Cindy...thoughts of peace and sleep to you...holding you close in my heart. 

To all:  A peaceful day tomorrow, with sweet memories filtering in to help to hold our hearts together...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmom

[heartbeataway]

Colleen,

Hope you have a better day.  Look at the smiling Brian and know he loves you and he is there in spirit cheering you on with strength and love.

Dee,

The sick neighbor has my prayers.  If we only understood the "whys" ..... then again, would it make it any easier?

Marcia,

Great project!  Happy Feet ....... love it! 

It's raining here today ...... and I'm loving it!  We needed it badly!

Love

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Carol, your words could be written in a book, they are lovely and can be applicable to all who are dealing with the anger that comes with our grief.

Colleen, a better day today for you and Aaron.

MARCIA, the Happy Feet made me cry tears of both joy and tears of pain for who this endeavour is about...I know your little Shoe-Angel is smiling that beautiful smile on you and her Daddy. Oh my, what a lovely and simply Bethany thing to do. God Bless all those feet and do let us know where and how we can help.

As you travel these next few days, listen for the butterflies wings next to your ear, fluttering there for just a moment, that little moment when you know that Bethany is with you at that very moment. There she sits, upon your shoulder, gazing at the Mom that gave her so good a life. Never doubt that, never.

Peace and goodness today and each-

Dee

[heartbeataway]

Hi folks,

I have an idea for Pinnacle Days and thought I would share it with you.

I want to have a streamer of pennant flags that represent our children. I recently asked what color reminds you of your child, what symbol, etc....

With all the happenings in my life recently, I don't know that I will have time to accomplish this.  I also thought that you might want to do this yourself.

I would like to display these flags strung together as representation of our children at Pinnacle Days.  Not only this year but for years to come.

Try to keep the size to 12" x 18" with a one inch overlap at the top to string the rope through.  It could also attach with ties, etc ... your choice.  The shape is up to you they don't all need to be the same.

The setting for Pinnacle Days is rustic so I will put these together on a rope string.

I would like to represent as many of our children as I can. So, if you just cannot do this and would like your child represented, post your idea and either I or some other parent may be able to help.

I WOULD LIKE EVERY CHILD TO BE REPRESENTED!

Think of your flag as a quilt square that represents your child ......

I plan to use an article of Jay's clothing to make his. Not sure what symbol I will use yet.

Maybe more than one symbol.  Make sure their name or initials are on it. Perhaps the beginning and ending year.  It's up to your imagination and what you carry in your heart.

I would not use clue unless it's weather proof.  Sometimes it rains and the air is damp.

The flags will be undercover but the damp air could have an impact.

What do you think?  Ideas to share?  Can you do it? 

Thanks!

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

We are going to listen to a band and possibly contract with them on Sunday.  We are getting close and still have so much to do! 

[arc4ever]

Okay Bonnie sounds great, when do you need our flags and where do we send them?

Terrie (Adam's Mom)

[ericasmom]

What a spectacular idea, I will try to get on it. Thanks so much.

[mikesmomrs]

A truly wonderful idea....I will try my best...haven't had my sewing machine out in a very long time, but want so much to do this.  If anyone can't do it, but wants to, perhaps you could check in your local area for someone who does sewing for others...which is what I may have to wind up doing....

wow...this is great!  

one other idea....there are "cloth squares" that can be purchases, to use in your printer for printing photos on...I started a quilt for Mike's wife, and got all the pictures printed out, but had to put it away, it was just too hard at the time.  I planned on taking it out this winter to try again.  But my point is that if you want a pic of your child on the flag, it is possible to do it with the cloth squares specially made for this purpose.  they are fairly inexpensive, but may have to be ordered...I saw some in Walmart, but it was quite a while ago---don't know if they still carry them or not. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mpsmom]

[align=center]Lorrie, [/align]

[align=center]HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!![/align]

[align=center]May you feel Kourntey right there with you all day long.[/align]

[align=center]I am happy to know you and to call you my friend. [/align]

[align=center]Love You, [/align]

[align=center]   Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever  [/align]

[mikesmomrs]

[align=center]HAPPY BIRTHDAY LORRI[/align]

[align=left]Sending you wishes for a good day, with sweet thoughts of Kourtney sifting through your mind and your heart to keep you smiling and feeling her about you all through the day.  [/align]

[align=left]love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs[/align]