Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

AMANDA...MY GOSH SURE HAS WENT FAST..FOR US WATING MOMS MAYBE NOT FOR U...SO HAPPY FOR YAL..

IM GETTING MY NEW LAPTOP TOM..SO READY TO QUIT USING THIS DINOSAUR...

I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT COULDNT SAY "GRAVE" OR "GRAVEYARD" ITS LIKE EVERYTIME I SAY THE WORDS I WOULD STUMBLE AND THEN FINISH WITH SOMETHING ELSE...GRAAAA CEMETARY.....WOW ISNT THAT WIERD...I NO SHES NOT THERE BUT TO SAY HER GRAVE JUST CUTS ME TO THE BONE...

MONTYS WORKING ON MY BANNER SO I HOPE ITLL BE READY...IF YAL WANT HIM TO DO YOU ONE..I DONT NO WHAT THE COST WOULD BE BUT YOU COULED FAX IT TO HIM AT 580-226-4862  OR EMAIL TO GALAXIESIGN@SBCGLOBAL.NET..

OK YAL HAVE  GOOD NIGHT LOVE AND PEACE TO ALL

THIS IS MY KIMMY MODELING...NO WAY WOULD KOURTNEY DO THAT

[summergirl]

Greg - also doing the "rain, rain go away" dance for you. It will be sunny and bright blue skies.

Lorrie - OMG, she is gorgeous !!! What a beauty, you must be so proud.

Zackysmom - as others have said "do not blame yourself", I know that is much easier to say then do but if it had been possible you would have been there, that is the one thing we all wish, that we could have forseen what was coming and prevented it. Night mares plague the mind and spirit because as "mom's and dad's" we are supposed to protect our children from harm and when we lost our child our promise was broken - please know that it was Zack time no matter how he passed from this world to Heaven, it was his time. I believe with all my heart that our day is set when we are born, not the way we die but the time - I know that is not how all believe and that is ok. It hurts me so when I read your post's - the mask you wear each day to cover the grieving mother inside. Please, Please know that there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to prevent this tragedy - hold tight to each moment and one day the sun will shine and you will feel the softness surround you. Always in my prayers and in my heart.

I called the cemetery today to tell them what happend and her reply was "oh, this happens all the time" - I replied "well, maybe in your world it happens but not in mine" -  I asked her for the name of the mowing company and got the response "you have to put it in writing" - of course I do, why would I believe that I would hear a hint of I am sorry !!! I told her that I understand "accidents" happen but that the person who did it must have known he hit it and I just think he should have reported it. So, she then went on to say "well, just write the letter and I will make sure that it gets to the board and also to the mowing company" - so that is what I have to do. I guess I should not have gotten as angry as I did but it was just so heart breaking to see it like that, to think that someone could do that and just "ride" away as though it were ok.  Tavian is fine now as we told him that it has been fixed and he smiled. It was so hard to see him so hurt and angry trying to push the stone back in place and saying "I am so mad at somebody".  I am much calmer now and thank you for your support. Barry took pics today just in case.

Tavian did not fall asleep tonight until 10:00 p.m. - I don't know what happened, maybe overtired.

Lorrie - did you say I could fax what I want to your hubby and he would do my flag for me?? OMG - that would be fantastic and I don't care about the cost. I am just a little upset with myself for thinking I can't do it but I so want it to be right. I will private message you to let you know what I want and Monty can tell me if he can do it and we will take it from there. Thanks so much.

Marcia - hope you are doing better my friend.  Thoughts are with you as always.

Trudi - miss you my friend and am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

Dee - also thoughts of you as you endure another heartache.

Sometimes the days are just plain hard and then I see Tavian smile and it gets easier.   Love to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

OHHHHH Rain go away---- go away, go away, go away, be done for now and come a different day. Preferably Monday.

Greg, here's to hoping that blue skies prevail that Brian's friends and family are able to join under a no rain sky and enjoy that which makes him smile.

Kathy, glad to know that Tavian is feeling better about the stone, and just do as the lady wants, following protocol, but once it is said and done, I would ask that they put in writing what the protocol is for a damaged stone or area.

Lori, that Kim, amazingly beautiful. So thin, and very sultry. Is she modeling regularly these days?

Be well All.

dee

[mikesmum]

Today is Harmony's 4th birthday and as expected my mind took a dive.  Its also the day I did my phone interview with the legals re my 'employment status' another blow.  Its confirmed, our bodies are in sync with our minds and they crash in sync!

This is the letter I enclosed for Amanda in Harmony's birthday presents.   It was a hard letter to write, even harder to re read and know in my heart that it was my behaviour that lost me my grandbaby...... 

[align=left][/align]Amanda

[align=left]This is the most difficult letter I have ever written.  I believe I owe you a sincere apology for the way I behaved and the manner in which I treated you in the months after Micheal’s death.  I was lost in a selfish grief that forgot you and Harmony.  I am not proud of my behaviour; on the contrary I think Mike would have been disappointed in the way his mum handled herself.[/align]

[align=left]In the past years I have learnt that Micheal intended to end his own life.  No one or no one thing could have altered the course of that day.  It is hard for a mother to hear that, it would be even harder for a partner and daughter.[/align]

[align=left]I hope with all my heart that you and Harmony have been able to pick up the pieces of your life and find happiness.[/align]

[align=left]I know there have been harsh words spoken in anger, but I have to believe that one day, in the not too distant future, you will find it in your heart to allow me to see Harmony.  [/align]

[align=left]I hope the presents enclosed bring a smile to her face on this her 4th birthday & that you all have a great day.[/align]

[align=left]Thank you for taking the time to read this Amanda, I know it isn’t easy hearing from me.[/align]

[align=left]Again, my heartfelt apologies for what must have seemed like an unrelenting attack on you personally.  I was truly angry at the world, you just happened to be part of it at the time and for that I am truly sorry.[/align]

[align=left]Trudi[/align]

[align=left] [/align]

 

 

[heartbeataway]

Ericka,

Blessings to you today! Danny's six month angelversary.

Gone but never forgotten ......

Love!

Bonnie

[nicksdad]

Trudi...The letter is very touching and I don't see how Amanda would not know it's coming from the heart. Harmony is fortunate to have you in her life and I am sure Amanda will realize that also. I don't think Mike would ever be disappointed in his mother, but if that is the case then I have no doubt he is watching over you now beaming with pride.

NicksdDad

Dan

[heartbeataway]

I'm posting this again for the folks who didn't see it earlier ...

(Received Greg's flag for Brian yesterday ...... very cool!)

Hi folks, I have an idea for Pinnacle Days and thought I would share it with you. I want to have a streamer of  flags that represent our children.

 I recently asked what color reminds you of your child, what symbol, etc....I was going to make flags to represent each of our children.

 With all the happenings in my life recently, I don't know that I will have time to accomplish this. I also thought that you might want to do this yourself.

 I would like to display these flags strung together as representation of our children at Pinnacle Days. Not only this year but for years to come.

 Try to keep the size to 12" x 18" with a one inch overlap at the top to string the rope through.

It could also attach with ties, etc ... your choice.

The shape is up to you they don't all need to be the same.

 The setting for Pinnacle Days is  outdoors and rustic so I will put these together on a rope string.

So, if you just cannot do this and would like your child represented, post your idea and either I or some other parent may be able to help.

I WOULD LIKE EVERY CHILD TO BE REPRESENTED!

Think of your flag as a quilt square that represents your child ......

I plan to use an article of Jay's clothing to make his. Not sure what symbol I will use yet. Maybe more than one symbol. Make sure their name or initials are on it. Perhaps the beginning and ending year. It's up to your imagination and what you carry in your heart.

I would not use clue unless it's weather proof. Sometimes it rains and the air is damp. The flags will be undercover but the damp air could have an impact. What do you think? Ideas to share? Can you do it?

Thanks! Bonnie, Jay's Mom

I've had some good questions stem from this request.  I'm going to share the answers so it will help.

The opening for the rope entry would be best on the 12" end.  I really don't care but the grouping would look better if they are uniform in size and length. You decide the shape.  Variety is the spice of life so whatever you do will be perfect!

It should probably be doubled sided or at least look finished on both sides. They don't need to be perfect!

If you do not sew but want to put something together, I will try to finish it for you. I don't want anyone left out because of an issue like that.

If you are sending one, let me know and I will PM you my address.

Pinnacle Days are the weekend of October 24th.  Just make sure it arrives by the 22nd so I have time to assemble before we leave for The Cove.

Yes, you are more than welcome to send flags for others. They will all be displayed.

I'm excited about this!  Our kids will hopefully wave at us all weekend!

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I "second" every word that Dan said!  Your letter is perfect!  Can't wait to hear that you've received a positive response.

Kathy,

In the letter, I would explain Tavian's reaction. That just broke my heart reading about it.

I would also ask to be copied on any associated correspondence. I wonder if she would have said the same thing to you if you had been standing in front of her vs on the phone with her.

Jason's memorial cross is truly at the top of a mountain and it sets on area close to the Appalachian Trail.  We've been there before and had hikers come by.  They've taken group pictures for us.

Not once have we had anything taken or tampered with.  But, we also don't mow, etc...

We just brush away the leaves or fallen branches, etc ....

It's the perfect place for our boy's memorial. He's "resting high on the mountain" with nature all around him.

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

This picture was taken in April 2007.  The day we scattered Jason's ashes.  The cross was moved to an area off the rocks and "anchored".  The colors of the valley in fall is a sight to see .......

[hotrod]

Trudi

That was a beautiful heartfelt letter.  Thanks for sharing it with us.  I am sure your son is very pleased. 

I had a confrontational relationship wih my son's "live-in girlfriend while they were living together. Today sshe calls every few months just to talk.  I pray this letter open the door to reuniting your family.

On another note I  have my flag finished-I did it myself from one of Stephen's Tee Shirts.

It is not professional but has a picture of Stephen, in his racing suit with his prize ,the 1967 Yellow  Camero he rebuilt into a sleek Race car.  The  nameof the car  "Little Victories clearly shows and is how I like to think of him. 

 He too was a kind and genle man and said that it took many little vistories over himself to enable him to comole the transformation of the car.  The project toook 5 years but he was so proud of that car, how it looked and how fast it went.  It is a true symbol of him.

I am so glad this project enabled me to recognize him one more time. I will mail it off as soon as I can figure out how to get a good picture and post it here.:?

Have a Blessed Day everyone

Betty

Stephen'sMom

[daniellemom]

Betty – I’m so excited to get to see Stephen’s flag. I’m going to try to start working on mine this weekend.

Bonnie – Thanks again for asking us to do the flags you are such a wonderful person to want to include all of our children.

Trudi – Your letter to Harmony’s mom is just perfect! Mike is so proud of you for doing this. I hope and pray this opens the door for you and Harmony to be able to see each other.

Greg – Praying for clear skies this weekend for the car show! Brain is so proud of his friends! For the flags can you help me we have a couple of large printing places is town “PIP Printing” would they have what I need to do the flag?

Kathy – So sorry to hear about Jessica’s stone. Poor Tavian, having to see that and get so upset. Glad he is doing better today. Mattie never goes to bed before 10:00. Tavian will tied tonight so maybe he will fall asleep quickly tonight. Mattie and James have always been night owls. Danielle was the only one who would go to bed at 9:00 because she was just tied.

Sherry – Glad to see Davey’s beautiful face. You always give the best advice. Thanks for being her with me.

Terrie – Have you kept your thongs on this week? I’m still laughing about that. Thanks again for sharing.

Beth – ZachysMom – Please never feel like God is not punishing you. We have be dealt a hand that we don’t want to handle but for our kids. I will stand tall and proud for Danielle just like I know you will for Zachy!

Amanda - Can’t wait to see updated pictures.

Dee – I talked to Mattie’s teacher yesterday and she said Mattie was doing fine in Math as well as reading and maybe I needed to take a chill pill. Ok, she didn’t say that in those words but that’s how I took it. So I’m trying to chill about school and let Mattie work on Math the way she wants and if she needs to change the simple problems into word problems I need to know that is how her mind works. I think this may have come from James that he told her math was just like reading, so in her mind she is changing the subject to something she understands. Thanks for the advice!

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[briansdad]

[user=19062]daniellemom[/user] wrote:

Greg – Praying for clear skies this weekend for the car show! Brain is so proud of his friends! For the flags can you help me we have a couple of large printing places is town “PIP Printing” would they have what I need to do the flag?

Sonya,

You need to find a place that has a solvent printer for banners. They can print on vinyl or fabric and the ink doesn't run if it gets wet. I'm not sure if PIP would have those. Look for a Sign A Rama or an Instant Sign company. Some place that does vehicle graphics.

[daniellemom]

Greg - Thanks that helps!

[hotsauce]

hello to everyone, i hope your day is going okay!!!

Bonnie,  the flag i made for Brian is on its way, i hope you get it soon.  like i said it is all home made from my heart.  i love the area where you put Jason cross and picture.  you are lucky to have a place to do that. 

peace, love and my prayers to all,

mary ann

[cameronsmom1]

Here is my 7 month picture!!

[mpsmom]

Amanda, arent you 'glowing' .. I cant wait for that 'text' .... Is that even a maternity blouse???      

Hugs, marcia    Bethanys Mom Forever

[ericasmom]

I agreee with Marcia, you look beautiful Amanda.

Bonnie, I agree with Sonya, you are a very good human to do this and to have thought it up, to have our kids waving in the wind and beauty along with their friends, thanks so much.

And Trudi, I agree with everyone here, the letter is perfection, it is what your wounded heart has expressed and whether or not she opens her heart, your Mike is quite happy that you did. I hope for Harmony's sake and for yours that she will allow the two of you some Grandma-Grandgirl time. I hope that you keep an albumn of letters to Harmony so that one day, she will see the patterns of your heart, the ways she has been loved along the way.

Peace Deary,

dee

PS Colleen you out there??

[cameronsmom1]

Marcia and Dee, Thanks!!! And no it is not a maternity blouse but it stretches so it works like one!! LOL I have already told my sister that if I am unable to text that you are first so if it isn't me texting it will be her.

Amanda

[daniellemom]

Amanda - Looking Good. I'm so excited for you and your family.

Sonya

[heartbeataway]

Amanda,

Sweet picture of you and your baby bump!  Looking forward to Marcia's notification to us!

Sonya,

Thank you ....... it was just an idea. Kind of like Colleen's for the picture boards in MN.

Hopefully this will be comforting not only to us but to others ......

I sure hope you can make it to Pinnacle Days.  Let me know if I need to have a place for you to sleep etc ....

This is a family event so your family is more than welcome also.

This has been an exhausting day ....... so, it's going to be an early night for me I hope!

Love!

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[daveydow1]

Trudi---Such a nice and heartfelt letter. I hope that it will find its

way into Amanda's heart, and that she will want to renew the relationship

and let you see Harmony at lot.

Amanda---Great pic of you at 7 mo. As someone said...you are glowing.

Betty---Some of the best photos we have of our kids are not professional

ones. Stephen has a winning smile that projects outward. Davey's avatar

is only a snapshot I took...it is a better photo of him than studio ones, as

he never seemed to smile his nice smile for a professional photographer.

Stephen is beaming his smile down from heaven in his kind & gentle way.

Sonya---Thanks for your kind words, friend. If I know my Dave,....he'll surely

be saying HI to pretty Danielle in heaven. I believe ALL the kids of BI parents

are good friends up there. It's a comforting thought.

     Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[zachysmom]

Just wanted to let everyone know I have started on Zachys flag. I will have it ready in time.

[summergirl]

Amanda - you look like you are "glowing" - I am so happy for you and you look fabulous!!

Trudi - the letter you wrote is perfect, tears as I read it and if our prayers are answered then you will be reunited with your Harmony.

Need to get my flag done - I am so ashamed that I have not started it although I know what I want!!!

Thanks to all who commented on the stone situation. I am writing the letter tonight and including a picture of what it looked like, also will talk about Tavian's reaction. Yes, I will go by protocol as I do not want it to get any worse than it is now.'

Today was the most horrifying day since I lost my Jessica !! Every morning Tavian rides his bike to school as we are so close to it, I follow him in my car and make sure he gets across the street safely then he goes on by himself to school, about 400 feet of sidewalk.  We did the usual routine this morning and I went to work, an hour later I got a call from the principal telling me not to get upset, everything was fine but that Tavian had come to school and went straight to his teacher and told her that "a man in a green truck stopped and asked him to get in his truck for a ride", he told the man no and the man asked again and Tavian told him no again and took off as fast as he could. The police came to talk to him and they sent a letter home to all the parents letting them know to be aware and they will keep a policeman at the school while they investigate !!!  I actually think I stopped breathing while the principal was talking to me, I panicked and wanted to come get him right away, see him, hold him, but the principal told me that it was best for Tavian to let him go about his usual day and not scare him any more than he had been, he would call me if they thought he needed me. He said that Tavian did everything right and that Barry and I need to tell him how proud we were of him. I was in shock, I can not believe that something like that "could happen in our town" - how completely stupid am I !!!  I was never so happy to get home and see him as I was today - when I think of what could have happened, well I cannot even think about it or I will fall apart.  Thank you my sweet Jessica and all of our Angels for watching over Tavian and keeping him safe for us.

I love you all and right now I need to put Tavian to bed, spend a little time with him  and get some much needed rest. I will talk soon. Kathy

[lolynbo]

GOT MY NEW LAP TOP SO BE PATIENT W ME..

HOLY CRAP KATHY..IM SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT THAT...MY LIL TAVIAN HAVING TO DEAL WITH THAT...WHAT A BRAVE BOY HE IS TO RIDE OFF AS FAST AS HE COULD...I HOPOE IUR ANGELS CIRCLE AND GIVE THAT MAN A PIECE OF OUR MINDS...HOPEFULLY HE GETS CAUGHT....OM GOSH...

AMANDA YOUR SO DANG CUTE I SWEAR...JUST BEAUTIFUL...

KIMBELRY JUST MODELS FOR FRIENDS AND STYLE SHOWS..NOT PROFESSIONALLY..JUST FOR FUNZIES

[briansdad]

[user=17871]summergirl[/user] wrote:

Today was the most horrifying day since I lost my Jessica !! Every morning Tavian rides his bike to school as we are so close to it, I follow him in my car and make sure he gets across the street safely then he goes on by himself to school, about 400 feet of sidewalk.  We did the usual routine this morning and I went to work, an hour later I got a call from the principal telling me not to get upset, everything was fine but that Tavian had come to school and went straight to his teacher and told her that "a man in a green truck stopped and asked him to get in his truck for a ride", he told the man no and the man asked again and Tavian told him no again and took off as fast as he could. The police came to talk to him and they sent a letter home to all the parents letting them know to be aware and they will keep a policeman at the school while they investigate !!!  I actually think I stopped breathing while the principal was talking to me, I panicked and wanted to come get him right away, see him, hold him, but the principal told me that it was best for Tavian to let him go about his usual day and not scare him any more than he had been, he would call me if they thought he needed me. He said that Tavian did everything right and that Barry and I need to tell him how proud we were of him. I was in shock, I can not believe that something like that "could happen in our town" - how completely stupid am I !!!  I was never so happy to get home and see him as I was today - when I think of what could have happened, well I cannot even think about it or I will fall apart.  Thank you my sweet Jessica and all of our Angels for watching over Tavian and keeping him safe for us.

I love you all and right now I need to put Tavian to bed, spend a little time with him  and get some much needed rest. I will talk soon. Kathy

Kathy,

You need to look at this in a different light. Tavian was smart enough not to go AND smart enough to tell the right person about it. I say way to go little man!!!!!!

Greg

[ericasmom]

Ditto to Greg's comment, what a smart Dude TAV is, to know how to deal with stranger danger enough to also help identify the truck, good job.

I know you are freaked Kathy, we all would be, but there he is sleeping in the house and he is good, safer than many who do not know what to do.

Peace this evening and safe days,

I have not started my flag, if i get it done it will more than likely, be the last one there.

Love and hugs,

dee

[mpsmom]

Kathy, I fully agree with Greg, you have taught him well without scaring him.  He did exactly the right things, way to go little man!!!!!   Greg, I am sending our sunshine your way, we have dry sunny skies for hundreds of days at a time, we can spare a weekend to send to your Brian's car show, what a wonderful way for his friends and family to remember him, it must bring so much warmth to your heart to know how he is still remembered by so many people.  Bonnie, I am working on sending my design to the banner place, for those fo you who don't sew or dont have the time or energy right now (me) it is my understanding that Kinko's can make your banner .. with full color in whatever you design for them, it may require that you have the sleeve sewn that the rope will go thru, but other than that, they seem very able to make the kind of banners we are talking about. 

To all of you who sent your prayers and love this past weekend, I so do appreciate each and every one of you..... it has been a difficult week, much harder than I expected, and I did expect it would be difficult, I feel like i have regressed months and months, I think the stress of my work and the one year mark have finally all caught up with me. I am exhausted and extrememly blue, "this too will pass"  --- soon the sunshine will fill my life agian, just dont know when that will be.... these dark days are kicking my butt. 

Love and Hugs to you all,    Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[summergirl]

Thank you Greg - you are right - I am sooooo very proud of him for doing what he did, all the right things. We had just had a talk about this sort of thing a couple of weeks ago when he saw something on TV about a child missing and he questioned me and we went over everything - I didn't want to scare him but I wanted him to be aware of the danger - I guess Jessica gave me the right words to say or things may have turned out much different today. I applaud your outlook on this and thank you for making me smile.

Lorrie - Tavian is fine, he talked with my sister (who lives in Iowa) and told her what happened and he said to her "Aunt TT, I went really fast on my bike and told my teacher and then I talked to a policewoman" !!  He was so proud of himself but you could also hear a touch of "I was scared" in his voice. Our Angels are everywhere.

Such great friends I have here, always when I need you here you are. Peace, Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Kathy,

What a scare!  I think I held my breath reading about it!  Tavian did good!

Marcia,

Checked on Kinko's.  They don't do sleeves but they will do grommets.

Tired today and have a book to finish before fostering class on Saturday. 

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

Oh,

Happy Birthday Claudia!

[mpsmom]

OMG, thank you Bonnie 

 

   HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLAUDIA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Love, Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[lolynbo]

HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY CLAUDIA...HOPE ITS A GREAT ONE

[summergirl]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLAUDIA !!!!

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi guys:) I was just thinking on my way home from babysitting tonight..................

Unless I am busy; doing a notary/signing job. where I have to concentrate;........I always have Tanner on my mind????????????????????????? Sometimes I replay his accident in my mind.....even when I don't want too it just comes......then I get this sinking feeling.... it does not last long....and then I am aware and tell myself enough but tonight I thought I would ask all my friends here ......Is it the same for you all of you??????........Will it be like this forever??????? I am doing OK;??????? for the new normal ME???? (I think).?????.....my kids think I need to go see someone to talk to BUT unless they have lost a child no one but us knows how we feel or can understand the inter turmoil ;all they can do is listen?????????????????????????? OK well just wanted to ask.........cause sometimes it really hurts.........and I wonder why I do this to myself everyday; ???????????

Tanner's mom Cindy; who misses his hugs so very much........

[lolynbo]

LIKE I SAID GOT MY NEW LAPTOP..AND I PUT IN THE CD OF MY PICS AND ETC SAVED FROM MY OTHER LAPTOP...AND CANT FIND MY "GLOW STORY" OR KOURTNEYS VOICE...TRYING NOT TO PANIC...AND ALSO HAVING CRY FEST OF THE PICS OF KOURTNEY IN THE NURSING HOME AND HOSP....SO HARD TO LOOK AT SO LONG AGO...SO MUCH PAIN...IM JUST DYING INSIDE...

[ericasmom]

HAPPY

Birthday

Claudia...

I hope that you have spent a most wonderful birthday, filled with a great sense of peace and the love that is all around you. I hold my teacup up to you and send my blessings.

Love,

dee

[ericasmom]

Lorri, I bet that you will figure it all out, don't despair, someone will probably be able to retrieve it all. I have no tech sense so I won't even begin to say what to do, but someone out there does.

Cindy, if you are replaying the accident daily I would also suggest getting help, and I do not agree that a therapist cannot help if they themselves have not had a loss such as ours. t I went back  to a therapist that i went to when I first had Erica, and she helped me immensely with my grief, asking me all the right kinds of questions, listening to my nightmares, my daytime replays and all sorts of things. She was able to help me find perspective and learn strategies to stop my images. SHe felt that I had PTSD and many of us do.  She is trained to be able to understand many scenarios. I am not saying that all therapists are good with this, but if you put a search in your area for grief therapists, a list should appear and you can begin to call them to see what they are about. I am also not saying that replay is not normal, it is in fact quite normal but it is also detremental if it is going on and on in a daily way because you keep yoruself there in that time of shock and absolute horror. At some point, finding ways to diffuse those visions or images and giving yourself permission to stop them is a big step toward some healing.

Marcia, I do believe you were as prepared as you could be for the first anniversary, but nothing can really ready you for the way it kicks butt. The fact that you know, really know that there will be sunshine again is a huge healthy mark in your path. I hold you as you make your way through this, finding your steps and climbing back out of the dark caves and caverns that we find ourselves. You may feel you are back many months but you aren't, you will probably find that you are further along in a few weeks. Prayers and hope,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

OMG, Kathy, I also, like Bonnie, stopped breathing while I was reading your post...praying as I read each word!   What a brave and smart young man Tavian is...he did do absolutely the right thing, and I do believe it was Jessica who put those words in your mouth when you spoke to him just a couple weeks ago...my prayers go out to you for some peace to settle into your heart as the realization that Tavian is safe takes over your thought process. 

Lorri:  I agree with Dee, that the pictures and recording are there...they will be found...I know the feeling, as many of us do, but you will find them...even if you have to ask someone to help.  I am sorry that you are feeling the pain again of remembering the months of Kourt's being in the hospital, the months of watching, waiting, hoping...I am holding you close in thought to send you strength...

Marcia:  I am so glad that our words helped you through this painful week past...and pray that you move forward quickly and some of that pain eases and softens.  Yes, that first anniversary is a true crusher, and it takes a while to come back from it.  Sending love and strength to you.

Cindy:  I agree with Dee that perhaps it would be wise to consult a therapist to get you through this and help you move forward to the days when you are not thinking about Tanner's accident on a daily basis...I do think it is normal to get stuck in that thinking, but I also know that seeing a therapist helped me considerably.  He has been a rock for me, and has helped me through many a terrible day. 

Bonnie:  Yes, this has been a super idea of yours, and though I haven't started on mine yet, I do have the supplies and hopefully my daughter and I will get started on it this weekend...she is coming here on Friday to watch the Sox attack the Yankees for one last time this regular season, and hopefully we can squeeze in some productive banner time during those hours.  Saturday is her youngest's birthday, and he has asked to have his party at Nana's, so we will be busy most of Saturday with that, but it will be fun.  He will be all of 11. 

Sonya and Sherry:  So nice to see your bright Danielle and Davey's smiles...

Trudi:  I pray that Amanda will open her heart to read your very well-put letter...I know that you long for the day when you can once again spend time with beautiful Harmony, and I pray that Amanda will understand how important this is to you, and to Harmony.  No matter how it turns out, I know that Micheal is looking down at you with pride over your efforts and determination. 

Well, hubby and I have had a most interesting last two days...my sister called on Tuesday afternoon to tell me that she and my sister-in-law would like to come up to visit us on Thursday, and to see our new house.  The house needed cleaning up some, as the kids had been here all last weekend, but the sunporch was my main object of concern, as it was only half done in its cleanup/renovation, and I had really wanted it to be "done" when she and Betty first came to see us.  so....we set out to "get 'er done."  My oldest grandson, Davis, 24, helped me a lot, and thankfully it was his day off from work.  He actually washed the entire ceiling for me!  So, anyway, we got it all done, with me three steps from collapse, as it was SOOOO hot, and the roof of the porch is aluminum, so it just made it all the hotter!  But, I was glad the weather was warm and not cold and rainy.  So, they came up today and we had the most wonderful visit, I just cannot describe.  This is the SIL and sister that I visited in Florida in the spring and dreaded it because they are the two who have told me that I need to "move on and get on with my life" regarding Mike's passing, and would never entertain my talking about him, politely changing the subject when I would make the attempt.  Well, this visit went very differently...I did mention Mike a few times, as the subject warranted from the conversation, and I shared a touching story and a funny story.  Out of the blue, my sister said "Yes, kids can really put things out there for you to see differently...and started to relate a story about her daughter Susan, who died 34 years ago next month.  She said "I remember when Susan was really young, and I took all the kids (she had five) to the Chinese restaurant in Boston (this would have been over 40 years ago), and the owner was flabbergasted when I walked into his buffet lunch with five kids in tow!  Susan was amazed at it all (Susan would have been about 8 or so at the time) and once we were seated, "brazenly" spoke up and asked for some bread.  (remember, kids back then were "seen and not heard")  The server looked at her in surprise, but did produce some french bread in a basket.  Susan took one look at it and said "Ohhhh, I've always wanted to try Chinese bread!!"  Guys, this is the VERY first ever time that my sister has voluntarily shared something about her daughter Susan.  My sister was laughing over the memory, and though I hesitated at first, I reminded her of another "Susan" story that she had shared with me at the time it happened... My sister and her husband had a tradition of making turkey soup after Thanksgiving, to use up all that turkey economically...well, of course, kids HATE turkey soup, and Susan whined about it every time she passed by the pot with it cooking away in it.  Come supper time, Susan pleaded a tummy ache and just sat there while everyone else ate heartily.  After just a few bites, Susan cried out and "confessed" that in an attempt to do away with the turkey soup for supper, she had dipped out some dirty dishwater from the sink and poured it into the soup to make it taste bad...her "confession" was prompted by her fears that her sibs would become ill)  Well, this was a HUGE pot of soup, so it hadn't even been detected by the eaters!  My sister laughed at the memory and, though her voice had a catch in it, said "Yes, my daughter was one of a kind...no telling what she would have been like as a grown up..."  I was in shock...this was the first time EVER that my sis had shared something like this since Susan died...I knew that she was capable of laughing over a memory, because a few times over the years someone would mention something and she would respond, but this was the first time she ever volunteered it on her own, not to mention speaking about her thoughts of her daughter "if she had grown up."  I don't need to tell all of you how painful it is to have our own family totally refuse to talk about our children who have passed, and of course, it is even more difficult when you have siblings who have lost children, and don't/won't talk to you about it.  It has been very painful for me, to know that right here, in my own family, are people with whom I could share my grief, and help them with theirs, yet it has never happened.  I apologize for the length of this story, but this is just so unbelievable for me, that I had to share it all.  For the very FIRST time, I felt a "connection" between my sis and me, over our children who had passed before us.  I plan on writing her a note and telling her how much I appreciated her sharing some of her memories of Susan with me, and allowing me to share some of my memories of Mike.   I don't expect this to open a "floodgate" or anything like that, but just this one time of her "opening up" has just settled into my heart and helped with the softening of the pain that we live with daily. 

Anyway, I apologize for the length of this story, but I just had to share this with you all, because I knew that all of you would understand why this was so very important to me, and be happy for me, though I don't know if "happy" is the right word...but I know you know what I mean. 

to all, love and peace, Carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

[align=center]HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY[/align]

[align=center]CLAUDIA[/align]

[align=left]I don't know if you are still on your visit to the states, I can't recall the dates, but I hope that you have a wonderful day!!!  I know that Joey will be with you every moment...[/align]

[align=left]LOVE AND PEACE,  carol  mikesmomrs[/align]

[align=left] [/align]

[mysonrich]

Cindy, What I can say here is that my blood pressure has dropped to a " normal" range. It was so high for the last 3 weeks or so that I was starting to freak out, which isn't good for my blood pressure. I am fortunate that i have found a good medical doctor. This downward spiral that I stated on occurred beginning of September, the last weekend that I spent a happy, memorial day with Rich and his sister, the day I moved. Not that Thanksgiving and Christmas were not happy, they were, but Labor Day was different. My doctor, a nice German woman said in her German accent, " I think it's time for therapy, you are too anxious, don't you think"?  A human doctor, one that waited with me for Rich's cause of death, she didn't forget. Part of my problem now is thinking I have to stifle my thoughts, feelings and I have no voice. As if Rich never lived and his death should not have a impact on me and his dad and sis. Internal anger, grief, sadness and not being able to express it has resulted in bad heath now and crying a lot more, which may not be a bad thing but having a professional to guide me and possibly you, we need direction. I hope you aren't offended by my words but for me, its the road I need to take now.

 

Carol, after Rich died a co-worker told me of her aunt and uncle that lost a child years ago.My co-worked related how they never talked of their child. I have to wonder if the mode of conduct years ago, socially acceptable behavior, was to remain silent. akin to, men don;t cry. thankfully we have progressed from that mind set. I talk to my brother every morning , his son Pat died so I have someone that allows me to talk . We talk about Pat and I now have people looking for a metal pinwheel for his memorial site. Pats disappeared. Its " good" to hear that you now have you sister. I hope the communication continues.

 

A beautiful dawn in North East Pa today. Dee, I think I see Erica!

Betsy, myson, Rich

 

[hotrod]

Good Morning Everyone;)

 

Happy Birthday Claudia!!!

I have never attempted to anwer all the messages before as it becomes to confusing for me and I am sure I will miss someone or something.

KathyI just wanted to say that I too am so glad that Tavian was so very brave and had the courage to do as he did.  I am happy that he is safe.

Sherry: Thank you for the kind remarks about Stephen and his smile.  Yes, I agree that  Davey and all the children on the board smiles capture my heart each time I log on.

Cindy: When I am not concentrating on a project my mind rests in thoughts of Stephen.  The thoughts are not of the day he passed but of memories of him good and bad andf somehow I am at peace.

Bonnie: My flag is on the way  I am so happy to be able to participate in this with everyone.  Thank you so much for allowing us all this honor.

I know I have missed commenting on many things but my thoughts are with everyone and appreciate all your comments and sharings.

Thanks you

 

[daniellemom]

Happy Birthday Claudia!

Kathy – I’m so glad that Tavian is OK and so very smart to know what to do and then to tell his teacher! You have done a great job with him. I know you are so proud of him.

Cindy – I have a agree with the advice from the wonderful people on this site. Maybe you can find someone to talk to that you connect with. I’m not a good person to give advice because I tried counseling, went twice and I didn’t connect with her and I have not tried again. At first when I thought about Danielle I thought about the accident. I think it was Dee that told me to start thinking of Danielle smiling when my mind went to the accident. It works for me. I still go back to the accident but not for long.

Lorri – I know you can get some help getting Kourtney’s voice back. Good luck, if I were any good with computers I would help, but I can barely type.

Carol – You story of your sister and her daughter was so very touching. So glad you were able to connect to your sister in a very special way. Glad you had time for Mike and Susan stories. Susan sounded like a hand full I loved the story of the dirt in the soup!

Betsy – Love the picture!

Hot Rod –I love that you are posting more often I love see Stephen’s smiling face!

Bonnie - I'm checking my plans with the weekend of the 24th. Mattie has a halloween party so I'm trying to make arrangements for her before I can tell you for sure I'm coming.

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Thank you ALL so much for the birthday greetings!! Lorri, you are too funny girl! if I was 26, i would be the same age as my son Patrick. LOL!

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday. My step-mom made BBQ ribs, and Patrick came over for dinner, as well as Joey's very best friend in the world, Brett. We had a great time laughing, remembering, and just hanging out for a few hours.

I'll be in the states for a few more weeks. Patrick's wedding day is Oct 17th. He and Nikki are both excited, as am I.

Not sure when I'll get to post again, but wanted to say hi and thank you all so much. I miss you, but am having a terrific trip!! More soon...and hopefully with a few pictures. Love & Blessings!! ~Claudia

[hotsauce]

Claudia,

Happy Birthday a little late.  i must be the only one that is always late.

i hope you are having a great time in the states.

i hope you and your family have tons of fun.

thinking of you

mary ann

 

 

 

[summergirl]

Bonnie - I AM SO HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY for you, what a treasure for your sister to open up, although not a floodgate, but a very good start. The note you send her will be another step. Sharing, that is what we do and I am so glad you shared with all of us.

Thank you to all, I have calmed down alot and so thankful that Tavian is safe at home and was as brave and smart as he was.  Today I drove him to school (he did not want to ride his bike) and as we turned onto the street where it happened we got stuck behind 2 cars waiting for someone to move, as we were waiting I noticed a man getting mail out of his mailbox and then he got in his "green truck", I didn't really connect, you know how you do as you are just sitting there in the car, anyway, Tavian was drawing a picture, looking down and then we began to move and the car in front of me stopped to let the "green truck" out and Tavian looked up at that moment and his eyes opened wide and he said "mi-mi, that's the truck, that's the truck" - well I was so shocked at what he said that I did not get a chance to look at the license plate or anything. I got Tavian to school and then I called the principal and told him what happened, he in turn called the police officer whom had talked to Tavian, and she called me. I gave her all the information and so they are going to keep going to the house where the mail box is and hopefully they will find him soon. She said that they will find him and talk to him, run his name and find out if there is anything in the system about him and she will call me as soon as they know. Can you believe that the man lives right there, not 6 feet from where Tavian was !!!! I am praying that they find him and if he is what we think he is then we have saved some child from being hurt.  Prayers.

Cindy - I am so sorry for what you are going through but you are not alone. I relive the night Jessica left us, I think about the police knocking on the door, their faces when I opened it, the trip to the hospital, seeing Jessica lying there and walking over to her and saying "I am here Jess, open your eyes, it is time to take you home, I always take you home, but she did not respond and although I knew she was gone I could not get it into my head or heart - I MAKE myself stop thinking about it but every now and then I slam myself with the memory. Yes, it does get softer and I do not think about that night as often as I used to, I now focus on all of the wonderful times we had and how blessed we were to have her for the time we did but sweetie it never gets "easier" just softer. You willl find the day when you will smile with memories, laugh about the silly things, embrace the love you shared - there will always be dark moments but they will become further apart. You will survive, you will laugh, smile and you will be able to have fun without feeling guilty. BUT, it takes time, alot of time - but know that we are here and you are stronger than you think so just one moment at a time, one hour, one day, this journey never ends but we learn to live "this new life" - I life now is "life after Jessica" and I am thankful for all of those here who have helped me become a "survivor" Prayers to you and hugs.

Tired, happy to have Tavian lying next to me watching a movie. Peace to all, Kathy

[tanmanmymagicman]

Never, Never offended; I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this......I just an a very anxious person anyway............But bottome line ; my goodness he is always there.........I may look into grief counseling but I went to a support group before and did not get much out of it......Everyone was just too happy for me...........

Its the weekend.......lets all make the best of it;   we are some strong people here that have suffered the worse things that could happen to us in life......Blessings to everyone here.....I am thankful to all..........Tanner's Mom; Cindy;

[lolynbo]

MY BRAVE LIL VIRTUAL GRANDSON...WAY TO GO TAVIAN...IM SO PROUD OF HIM..HE COULD HAVE OR PROB SAVED SOMEONES LIFE...WHAT A HERO

[ericasmom]

Carol, I love the story of your Sister's visit. Never apologize for length of story, it touched my heart to know that your heart was truly touched. Goodness knows that Susan and Mike were hanging out and helping your Sis be able to emote. Lovely.

Betsy, thanks so much, I love that you thought of Erica with that sky. Made my day, but it took all day for me to sit down and have a minute to say so. What a busy one. Anyhow, it sounds like you are starting to feel a bit better physically. That is good news. We juggle dont' we, juggle all of our emotions until they just can't stay in the air anymore, and we simply have to let it all fall, and slowly pick them up one by one and find a place for them. Broken pieces fit together with hope.

Kathy, I do hope that the police will find this man and keep a very strong tail on him.

Cindy, support groups are not for everyone, this one is for me, but I have never felt the need for a weekly meeting of people grieving. I did however love the time I spent with my therapist, it was time to sort things out, a dumping place, and as mybody and mind began to count on that weekly hour, my agitation became lighter as I found myself able to dump most of it on that one day, therefore allowing my constant replay to slow way down, and eventually found strategies with her help, to end the constant barrage of painful memories.

I do noow that therapy is not for everyone as well, and many folks have to go through finding the right one, but I do think it may feel really good for you.

Sleep everyone, deeply and with great dreams,

dee

[mikesmum]

Betsy - Cindy I remember in the weeks after Mikes death my 'counsellor'  telling me I needed to see a therapist, but only after I had 'settled'.  My BP shot up, I developed heart arrhythmia, couldn't sleep and rethought the day over and over everyday.  

The 'work' began about April 07. The tricky bit was not just grief but the trauma.  I'm wasn't able to seperate losing Mike from being part of the emergency team on that day.  My other half also being the Intensive Care Paramedic attending doesn't help.  Oh yeah and  I never ever need anybodys help before....stoic, tough, but then again I had never lost a child like this before.

Even now when something re Mikes medico, my employment, his final cornoners outcome hits me I still go down, but not out.  I agree with you though Cindy..it needs to be someone who has 'shared' experience.  For me my counsellor while not having lost his own child, has worked in the field for many many years and 'gets it'.  (he is the States advisor for those families who lost so much in the fires this year).

My advice for what its worth, if your unoccupied mind takes you back to that day you need to see a therapist that you click with....take time to find the one you are comfortable with.  If you body is telling you its taken a blow, again, find someone who you can unload on - without holding back....My BI family are my 'healing group'

As always my hope for us knowing our kids have gone is to find a place in our 'new normal' where their loss is part of who we are not all we are......

Quickly -

Kathy - Brave and intelligent Tavian showing he makes good choices.  Hope they find out more about the owner of the truck.  Glad to see your Mi-Mi mummy is working well.

Claudia - So much energy in  your words...Joey, Patrick, your folks and friends holding you at this special time in your life.....Happy Birthday!

Carol - I guess they just don't know how to open up, but once they do its like sunshine enters the room......

Amanda - Love the pregnant baby pics......love stretch material!

Lorri - Breath darlin.....ask Kourtney to help you.  Hope you find those missing files....

Dee - Meerkats Meerkats Meerkats......will be winging their way to you sooon...

Its been 'snowing here' today.......go figure!

Hard few days....post more later.....

 

 

[mysonrich]

Sorry about that Dee/ I just realized that the picture is a link to a live web cam and since it's dark, the picture is dark, I think. I'll keep watching and see if it changes.

 

Trudi, it's so nice to see you in the very,early morning hours. I don't know what the time difference is but knowing someone else is " out there " makes the world smaller.

 

There is a star that twinkles in the sky. I think of Rich and often wonder if it's a satellite !  might be . The first thing I did the day Rich died was to go outside and look up. That was before I official knew he was gone. In my heart, I knew. I was talking to Rich's 2nd cousin the day of his memorial service. The cousin also said that he woke up at the same time as me and thought of Rich. hmm, he let us know I guess.

 

 

Kathy, that is some scary stuff. At one time I worked with neighbors of Megan Kanka. To this day, without children at home I check the state web-site for " the list". Megan and my Sarah are around the same age . I guess I just want to see wou my neighbors are. But, that is something to look into. I'm sure the police will.

 

Mary Ann, getting the van back from Elkton was made easier by a nice woman at DART. I told her, I am here, A, and I need to be there, B. SHe took the time to plan my bus,rail, bus, bus trip. It wasn't needed after all but I just wanted to pass on my praise, and I let her manager know! How are you?

 

time for Java, old man winter is stepping around the bend in the road. blah!

 

 

[mysonrich]

Dee, its a live web cam...now the sun is up

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I actually saw the photo in the morning from my school computer, but had no time to respond and get back to it till last evening, and actually, I thought my computer was acting up to have it black...again, proof that I am no tech-savy woman but hey, I loved the photo. And I love you to let me know that Eri was spotted in the sky. HOw does today look? It is overcast and foggy right now, but actually fall like in temps which  pleases me as my classroom boils at about 10 degrees warmer than outdoors. So next week it should be more pleasant in the classroom.

Trudi, I can sure see why you have been down, keep walking hon, keep facing that old sunrise chanting, "meerkats, meerkats, meerkats" as Mike helps open the window onto the day. A new day.

Bonnie, how goes the classes? Marcia?

Colleen, are you out there?

Have to go to a family morning thingy, for husbands side, I will see you all this afternoon.

love,

dee