Loss of an Adult Child

[Artina]

Barb,

Thank you for sharing some hope with the parent's here on Beyond Indigo. It is so important that we support each other with our stories of "hope", once we have found it again.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Barb,i must say it is nice to hear that you have found some happiness in your life,and raising your daughter's little girl must be a gift,i know my grandaughter is the light of my life,and if not for my older son ,Kevin,his fiance,and their daughter Candence,i would be loss.Thank you for giving those of us who are new to this journey,that maybe someday we will be able smile and laugh once again

T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

Dear Stu and Mark,i think it is great whatever teaching you can do to open these kids eyes to what it is like at the end of the road,i am also in recovery and have been since 2001,and i use to tell Nathan "Why don't you just join AAnow and save yourself 10 years of misery"He wasn't big into drugs but he did like to drink.I was always afraid something was going to happen to him,my husband has lost 2 sisters and 2 brothers,and i think Nathan had my husband's family curse.Keep up the good work,you are in my prayer,T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[julsmom]

Barb, thanks for sharing. As we come up to the 2 yr. mark for Julie, I feel very similar. Deep sadness, but still much better than I ever thought I would feel again.

Mark and Stu - keep up the good work. Julie loved jr. high kids, she was a youth director at churches and then a teacher and I know she would applaud your work. May we all find peace, Lynda

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kathy714, I'm sorry your family has seen so much loss. Losing siblings is so deeply painful. As for alcohol running in families, alcohol has been shown to alter RNA, therefore it makes an imprint on a person's DNA. This is why it runs through a family. I haven't seen any studies recently that narcotics have this effect, but I think it's possible. May your family find comfort through your losses. Whatever you think of what you said and how you said it concerning AA, I look at it this way. A person can go for help before there is a problem, and sort it out more easily than after a serious problem develops. I am sorry if I sound "preachy" about this, but after surviving my addiction, I take this seriously. Have peace today, and may you have strength to get through.

[rhonda68]

Sorry I havent been on the site for awhile I was just trying to catch up on all of your postings it is all so so sad and I want each and everyone of you to know that I think of you often. Something strange happened to me the other night I felt fear for the first time in months as I seen a skunk walk threw my yard.(I mean not afraid for myself) I havent been able to feel anything since that horrible night that I got the call. I dont know if this is a step. Probably 1 step up and 10 back.

Dear Purplelady just wanted to respond to your post earlier on about the help line It was a distress line that I called threw my work. As I live in Canada I am not sure what is available to you but I am sure there is something I hope. One thing that I do know you have is lots of compassionate friends groups and I think that would be a very good idea. I would like to go myself but the only ones available to me are miles away. And yes I feel I am crazy and my heart is going to explode I hate this raw raw pain. I have joined a support group but I am the only one from the group that has lost a child so its not really the same. I am also going to a greivance counsellor and staying away from stupid people that dont understand. This has all seemed to be helping me somewhat and of course this group has been the best I just wish we could all get together in person. Love to all!

Rhonda Richards MOM

[kirksdad]

Rhonda68, I know how it is when Compassionate Friends is so far away. We were about 70 miles from the closest meetings, but decided to try and make it when we could. We attended only about 6 meetings over a couple of years time, but even those few meetings were a great help. Just to let everyone know that it might only take a couple of meetings around others that know what we are going through to make a difference in the way we see things and the ability to know that others feel the same way when talking about it face to face makes such a difference. If one can get the chance to attend a meeting, please, take it.

[ericasmom]

Good day Everyone,

I hope it is a better day than some of the days that found you crying without end. I hope that somehow today opens up with some lovely little surprises, some feelings of hope, some knowing of your child's peace.

I rode my bike through some light rain this morning and went to the slough to look at the ducks and listen to the woodpeckers, see what I could as Autumn takes hold of the midwest. Seasons sometimes find us melancholy or depressed because it means another change without our babies. It means time continues to march on with or without us. I stood looking out and praying to God and ERica, and I was blessed with the sense of calm. It isn't always like that but since our 2nd anniverssary in July, I have actually been more calm, more peaceful, more able to see and feel joy. I know Erica is with me, I feel her all the time, I see her smile in my nieces and nephews, in her brother most of all. He is beginning to smile more now, and my biggest prayer is that he wake up each day feeling the love of his sister and going forth in that love. There will always be pain, always be a hole in my heart, but my heart has changed its shape and allows joy again.

Peace to you all, May autumn find you healing

dee

[purplelady]

Sorry I havent been on the site for awhile I was just trying to catch up on all of your postings it is all so so sad and I want each and everyone of you to know that I think of you often. Something strange happened to me the other night I felt fear for the first time in months as I seen a skunk walk threw my yard.(I mean not afraid for myself) I havent been able to feel anything since that horrible night that I got the call. I dont know if this is a step. Probably 1 step up and 10 back.

Dear Purplelady just wanted to respond to your post earlier on about the help line It was a distress line that I called threw my work. As I live in Canada I am not sure what is available to you but I am sure there is something I hope. One thing that I do know you have is lots of compassionate friends groups and I think that would be a very good idea. I would like to go myself but the only ones available to me are miles away. And yes I feel I am crazy and my heart is going to explode I hate this raw raw pain. I have joined a support group but I am the only one from the group that has lost a child so its not really the same. I am also going to a greivance counsellor and staying away from stupid people that dont understand. This has all seemed to be helping me somewhat and of course this group has been the best I just wish we could all get together in person. Love to all!

Rhonda Richards MOM

Rhonda, thank you for your helpful advice. I have gone to my first CF meeting and will continue to go every month. I sobbed my heart out, but I was accepted and loved there, and it felt so good being with others who truly understand. Like you, I also stay away from the stupid people (and who knew there would be so many of them, hun?) and I am looking into grief counseling. Yesterday, we picked out Andrew's headstone, and it was so hard to do. It's almost like it's finally final when it's written in stone. It's amazing how many strangers I feel perfectly comfortable crying in front of, something I would never even think of doing before my son died. I can honestly say that I am a completely different person than I was 2 months ago, and I am not sure who I will become as I go through this journey - but I am still hanging on with all my might. You are right, the rawness of it is debilitating sometimes, you just want to scream and yell and freak out like a psychotic - then some days you are so drained from all the crying and grieving that you are a little quiet mouse. It's crazy, but I am hanging in and going through the motions and hopefully one day they will become real. It sure shows you what you are made of, doesn't it? Every day is a new tomorrow to keep trying, that's how I look at it. One moment, one second at a time. I am glad you have experienced somewhat of a breakthrough and I will be praying for you to continue to have some presence of peace. This site has been so helpful and comforting to me as well, and I care deeply for each one of you. Much friendship, Judi

[willsmom]

EricasMom:

What a lovely, calming post. I enjoyed reading it. I hope your day was kind to you and may all the others be the same. WillsMom~~Allyson

[chumba]

I need to post something but I can't think of anything as I'm so despondent so I'll just cry for all of us having to deal with lst anniversaries and birthdays in the next three weeks. Dear Lord sends us angels to walk with us and hear our prayers for renewed faith, hope and love and keep us strong as the world needs us.

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i am glad you have found some support groups,you sound like you are doing a little better,i also go to a support group and counciling with my husband but either are grief support groups,but they do help a little.I live in R.I.and it is a small state so i don't know if they have C.Fgroup here,although we did have the Station Night Club fire so there are a lot of families who have lost their children. Iknow we lost our son's around the same time so i think of you often.I still have many days where the pain is so strong i have a hard time doing anything,and things hit me at times i least expect them to.Iwent to the mall to buy birthday gift for my older son ,and went in the mens dept at Macy's where i use to buy all of Nathan clothes fot Christmas,and it just hit me i will never be buying him clothes again.Every thing reminded me of Nathan,these are when i lose it and i start to cry..I will pray for those with birthday's and angel dates coming,and i will pray we all get through these days ahead T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[purplelady]

Dear Kathy - after just reading your post I wanted to share some things with you. I am fairly new here and just recently lost my son 2 months ago, but I also was in the same situation as you. I wanted to find a TCF chapter in my area and go to a meeting, but I didn't have the presence of mind to pick up the phone and try to find out where they were. Some kind soul from the TCF site had written to me and knew that I just didn't have the strength to figure it all out, as much as I desperately wanted to go. She found me the chapter, got all of my information, and actually made the call for me. I went to my first meeting, and I have never been surrounded by such compassionate people in my life who give you such comfort and hope and help to try and bear through it all.

I was shopping in the grocery store last night and I, too, was hit so hard with the fact that I will never be able to buy my son's favorite food and cook it for him. That thought then led me to other thoughts - how am I going to get through my birthday without him calling me the night before so he could be the first one to wish me a happy day? And what about Thanksgiving and Christmas and Mother's Day? Will I or my family ever be able to enjoy another holiday without my precious son? It is at the hardest times like these that I just try to imagine all of us who have lost our child standing in a big circle with our hands clasped together holding tightly on to one another for support and comfort. It doesn't make the pain go away, but just knowing you are not standing alone, that there are so many others who stand with you is comforting. There is strength in numbers, for when one falls, the others are there to pick them up and help them along the weary road - or just to say, friend, I have been there before and I weep along with you.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers with the hope that we will all find comfort and peace in the many dark moments ahead.

In friendship and love,

Judi, Andrew's Mom

[julsmom]

Judi - The "firsts" are so very hard. I am glad you have found TCF helpful. I know they and this board will have some excellent suggestions to help you get through. Just remember you do not have to do anything you do not want to do. Take just the next 30 seconds at a time. As for holidays, if possible keep it low keyed or do something entirely different. Our daughter died in early October and we then had Thanksgiving, her birthday and Christmas within the first couple of months. It was very hard. However, there is healing, there is peace. Life will always be different, always an empty place in our hearts for Julie. But I have read posts from Erica's mom, Kirk's dad, Stu and others and know this is normal. Life will continue to carry us, we will find a new happiness and a new peace. May we all find the peace we need. Lynda

[purplelady]

Judi - The "firsts" are so very hard. I am glad you have found TCF helpful. I know they and this board will have some excellent suggestions to help you get through. Just remember you do not have to do anything you do not want to do. Take just the next 30 seconds at a time. As for holidays, if possible keep it low keyed or do something entirely different. Our daughter died in early October and we then had Thanksgiving, her birthday and Christmas within the first couple of months. It was very hard. However, there is healing, there is peace. Life will always be different, always an empty place in our hearts for Julie. But I have read posts from Erica's mom, Kirk's dad, Stu and others and know this is normal. Life will continue to carry us, we will find a new happiness and a new peace. May we all find the peace we need. Lynda

Lynda, my son died July 17, and his 21st birthday was August 16, so you do not have to tell me the anguish involved in dealing with it because I am with you on that. It is horrendous at times, as I am sure you also know, and I do only go second by second much of the time. You, along with all the others, are so sweet and kind to offer such hope to us who are just beginning to take our journey through grief. While much of it is hard for me to grasp right now, I still have faith and hope that all of you who have gone before me know what lies ahead - and I can take comfort in knowing that you know of what you speak ...I am just not there yet. Thank you for "paving the way" for us all, so to speak, and for helping us with your understanding and your friendship. Love and peace to all, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[wnf4ever]

I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve been thinking about everyone and you are all in my prayers, always…

I just lost my uncle (my mom’s only sisters husband), and while I did not think I could make it through his funeral, I did with the help of my daughter and my son’s girlfriend. We went together and clung to one another as we cried our eyes out. My uncle was 84 and lived a long time. As we all know, it’s still very difficult losing a loved one, but you NEVER expect to lose your children, it’s JUST NOT RIGHT!! I don’t mean to sound selfish, but we were crying remembering our losing Warren only four months ago. Especially when the soloist sang Amazing Grace, boy did that one get us! We were able to go back to my cousin’s house afterwards and we actually had a decent time being with the entire family. We were able to talk about Warren and those around us understood our tears.

We lost Warren May 17, 2005 and his 26th birthday was July 15. I spent the day/night with my daughter and we went to his grave. It was beyond horrible. We put balloons all over his grave and tons of beautiful flowers. I just never could have imagined, not in a million years, that we would be spending Warren’s birthday with him like this…I placed a balloon that said “I love you”, while Marcille put ones that said “Happy Birthday.” We sat there for a long time hugging and crying. We were able to reminisce about all of the many good times we had with Warren too and we were able to get some laughter out through our tears.

This pain is unbearable and I feel as though I’m wishing my life away, until such a time as I can be reunited with my beautiful son again. I miss him so much; it’s a constant ache, a huge hole inside of me that never subsides. It takes my breath away. I thank each and every one of you for being there for me; at least I can talk to people who truly understand…

I went and stayed with Warren’s girlfriend this past weekend – she is due with his baby September 29th. For those of you that have grandchildren from your lost children, I can’t ask if this makes it easier because I know it cannot. I am so afraid of how I am going to react…I know it is supposed to be a happy time, but how will I be able to deal with it all knowing that this little boy will never know what a wonderful father he had? It tears my heart out! I’m just plugging along and taking it minute-by-minute, I still can’t handle more than that at this time.

I am still working on thank you cards for the flowers that family/friends sent to Warren’s service. I am not able to get through them yet, I just don’t know if I will ever be able to. Each time I begin, the paper gets a washed with my tears and then I have to walk away.

I am still in this extremely deep depression and cannot sleep. Does this ever go away?? I don’t want it to; I want to feel this constant pain because I’ve lost my sweet baby boy. How do we go on without our children?

I wish you all whatever peace you are able to find, take care –

Marty – Warren’s mom

[kirksdad]

Marty, the intense pain does subside in time, but the dull feel of that pain keeps a lingering for a long time. I know in the beginning even when I had a chance to laugh about something I felt guilty for having a happy moment, but eventually I came to realize, and believe me it took a while, that I needed to have some fun and feel good again. It took over 4 years and even now I have my moments, but the intensity of the pain somewhat calmed down a little after the first year although I can't say year two was much better, it was. I can hardly even think back right now to what was going on 4 months after Kirk's death except the holidays and only i have one recollection of one conversation in all that time. It happened at our family Thanksgiving dinner and made me realize that Christmas needed to be spent just at my house with just my wife and daughter. Truly that is all I remember about the first 4 months after Kirk's death. The state of shock plays some wild tricks with our emotions and memories in the beginning.

[jasonsdad]

Hi,

Haven\'t posted for some time, but been reading almost everyday. So many new people in our ultimate club of sorrow. Went to Jason's grave yesterday with my Wife. The 2 year mark is coming on 10-14 and I can feel the crescendo of grief. I constantly visualize him walking out of his bedroom and down the hall, always stopping to say a word about life or sports or what I'm watching on tv. It is so real and I feel I can almost make him materialize in front of me, but I know it's just a fantasy. We like all of you miss them beyond words. I have been feeling a lot of anger lately. I guess because he didn't need to die. He was our joy and we had such hope for him. God bless all of you on this thread and I pray that God gives us strength, and that there is a purpose, because I can't imagine never seeing Jason again. Remember me and my Wife Nadine on Oct 14th. Dan

[jscmom]

Warrens mom and all who have the 1st's coming up. May I share what happened to us on the 1st Thanksgiving without Johnny. 10/10/04 is when he passed away. Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday it was his holiday. I had it here with my daughter and 2 grandchildren it was horrible for me. I just wanted to scream! I could not wait until it was over so I could take that fake smile off and go to bed. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but John was not there on his favorite holiday. As it approaches again, I think we will just go to dinner still not ready to do it yet.

When Christmas came up I decided to have it at my daughters home. John was always the family Santa here at home...just can't do it.

I read somewhere and from our counsler that the first year try not to do as we did before until we are ready well I don't know if I will ever be ready again. So I guess we all have to do what helps each of us.

Today is one year of his auto accident, I dread these next weeks as I remember this nightmare as if it was today.

Thanks for listening

[julsmom]

Dan, you and your wife Nadine will be in my thoughts and prayers. Your Jason died 1 day after our daughter, Julie. May all our families find peace, Lynda

[jscmom]

Jason Dad, I will pray for you and all who post here. The 1st's seem like they will always be the like it just happened.

When I go to John's gravesite my first words to him are You are not supposed to be here and neither am I. I don't think any of us will ever totally understand WHY?

Peace and take care

[jscmom]

Lynda; I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

[Artina]

Lynda and Dan,

We will be thinking about you, Julie, and Jason over the next couple of weeks. You are all in my prayers.

Peace to you, Tina

[jscmom]

Andrews mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. I am sorry for all of us here. I was on a holiday not long ago and as I always do I shop for the kids. I was in a store and saw a ball cap that my son would love I picked iit up and held it while contining shopping....then I looked at the hat and it hit me my son is no longer here what am I doing? I just put it back as my eyes filled with tears and hurried out of that store. As far as his favorite food it was lasanga I have not cooked it since I can't. This new life without or children is hell.

All the things we can no longer do for them besides them not being here is so frickin hard I can't stand it. God please help us.

[missingchris]

To all who have hard days coming:

You're in our family's thoughts, and we hope that the days go by with alot of support from loved ones. We've been through ours, and know the pain ahead for you.

Chris's Family

[alwaysmyjennifer]

There are many special days in our present and near future. My most sincere thoughts and prayers for peace and comfort are with you all. I also feel the tension building as Jenni's birthday approaches. May you all have the peace you need.

[purplelady]

Andrews mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. I am sorry for all of us here. I was on a holiday not long ago and as I always do I shop for the kids. I was in a store and saw a ball cap that my son would love I picked iit up and held it while contining shopping....then I looked at the hat and it hit me my son is no longer here what am I doing? I just put it back as my eyes filled with tears and hurried out of that store. As far as his favorite food it was lasanga I have not cooked it since I can't. This new life without or children is hell.

All the things we can no longer do for them besides them not being here is so frickin hard I can't stand it. God please help us.

TO JSCMOM, AND EVERYONE WHO JUST POSTED ON THIS THREAD: It is heartbreaking how everyone is just hurting so deeply. It is debilitating and engulfing and haunts you every single day. My heart is in such deep pain for all of us. It has been 8 weeks since my Andrew died and I have not cooked a single meal yet -

I just cannot muster up the energy or desire or motivation to perform such a task. It is hard enough just remembering to breathe everyday. We just picked out Andrew's headstone, and the pain I am enduring since then is inhuman. It all seems like it becomes more real once it is written in stone. Jscmom, I cry out to God everyday the same thing, "God help us please." What more can you do but that? The tears are never-ending, the pain is as deep as it goes, and it just isn't right to have to bury your child. I pray for all of us everyday that we will find peace somewhere, somehow, someway, someday - but I fear it will be a long time for some of us. Judi, Andrew's Mom

[Artina]

Judy,

I felt the exact same way that you are feeling right now. You are right to just take the time to breathe, because that is all you are able to do right now. I didn't cook dinner very much in the first year. It's okay. I didn't do much of anything and felt like I just wanted to die... HOWEVER, after almost four years- I cook, clean, work, exercise, eat healthy, make goals, accomplished some goals, and feel happiness again. I still miss my sweet 19 year old baby boy, who left this world way too early. I still hurt for his touch. But, I live life too. I kind of see it like this- "The fatal wound has scabbed over. When I touch it, it hurts. But it no longer needs my constant attention".

Peace to you, Tina

[mamabets]

For all of my new friends here at Beyond Indigo- I pray for all of you as we all get ready to get through some very difficult days. Know that I thank all of you for your help- I am getting some help in hoping that I can help others. Peace be with all of you and please pray for me as I continue to pray for you.Thanks- XO mamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Judy,i was still in shock 8 weeks after losing Nathan,i remember at that time i still felt like it had just happened,it was winter and my husband was ill so we both were out on leave,and we just hibernated from the world,we slept and ate whenever we wanted and didn't if we didn't want to.Hopefully your family understands what you are going through,and take it one day at a time,at 8 weeks just getting out of bed in the morning is a good thing. Thank you for replying to my post,i think i am going to look into .C.F.it will probaly be helpful during the holidays,something i am not looking forward to ,and i always loved them before...T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[jscmom]

Dear Andrews Mom, today marks the 1st year of the accident. Johnny was removed off life support 10/09 and died 10/10/04. I still do not cook everyday, I still lay in bed sometimes most of the day. Tears still flow like water and I hate living here because I know he isn't coming back.

Even with counseling and meds this is my life. I believe the smartest thing I have heard since this nighmare began is "IT DOESN'T GET EASIER WE JUST LEARN SOME WAY HOW TO LIVE THIS NEW LIFE". We all know that our children hate seeing us in this pain and sorrow and so we pretend that all is OK. I do know that Johnny hated when I cried and as he watches me now he is sad yet he will give me what I need and the time I need. He was my hero, my baby.

As he soars in heaven I live in hell. Guess as I enter the 2nd as of yesterday my thoughts have not changed the pain is worse, missing him is worse, the sadness deepens and so on and so on...

To all of us that has these dates coming we are all in prayer together.

Lucette, Johnny's mom forever22

[kathy714]

Dear Wnf4ever,i was just reading your post and it made me think of a few things,the first was i remember that when Nathan passed,My husband's aunt had also passed away and while we were there making the arrangements for Nathan,they were having the wake for his aunt,so we decided it would only be proper to go through the wake to pay are respects,all i remember is crying through the whole thing,and everyone consoling ME,it was really not the best thing to do.Also about writing thank you cards, i did write a few,but i had such a hard time ,i would start crying every time,so we decided to put a thank you in the Sunday paper and just thanked everyone that way.Also i think once you see that new little baby,you will think it is a little gift from god,i know it will be hard at first not having your son there with you but ,he will be there in spirit watching down on that little angel.I think all the time how Nate would of made such a good dad because he was always so good with kids and he always loved babies,and it hurts so much knowing that ,that will never happen.And one more little thing my birthday is July 14th and my mom's July 15th i will always now think of you and your son Warren on those dates and say a prayer for you both.T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[isabelle]

As the 2 year mark rapidly approaches, all I can think about is: Is there life after death, will I be with my son in the afterlife? The focus of my life since October 9, 2003 has been to find an answer to these questions - beyond any doubt! My son, Ray, was 22 years, 4 months and 1 day old on October 9, 2003 when his life ended in a single vehicle accident. I have not moved from 5:30 a.m., that same day. This is the time my husband and I were told of our angel's death. I often have a complete lack of emotion regarding his death - I think this is some sort of conditioning, after repeated exposure to the pain wracking grief. Sometimes I can cry, most of the time I can't. Most of the time it still doesn't seem real. I am so so sorry for everyone's grief and loss - how can we live with this, how can I move beyond October 9, 2003, 5:30 a.m. I can still see him standing in the kitchen in front of the dishwasher, while we talked, I can still feel him next to me as I gave him money to get something for me at the store, and worse, I can still see him as he headed out for band practice, wearing the cap he designed with graphics. I wish I could paint a picture of him as he headed out, as I saw him out of the corner of my eye, as I asked, "you going to band practice?", and he replied, "that's were I'm going. I didn't know that this would be the last time I would lay my eyes on my most precious heart. I can still see his eyebrows raised when I said I would cook regular pasta for him, as he didn't like the whole wheat type. I can remember the girl at his funeral telling me that he bragged about my spaghetti and meatballs that he had for dinner 9 hours before his death. I can see, hear, feel all of these memories, but that is not enough - I must know that I will be with him again in the afterlife. Please, someone tell me you know without a doubt that this will be. My angel, my all, my everything, my "Ray" of sunshine. I am lost, I have not moved from 5:30 a.m. October 9, 2003.

Elizabeth

Ray's mom

[purplelady]

Dear Judy,i was still in shock 8 weeks after losing Nathan,i remember at that time i still felt like it had just happened,it was winter and my husband was ill so we both were out on leave,and we just hibernated from the world,we slept and ate whenever we wanted and didn't if we didn't want to.Hopefully your family understands what you are going through,and take it one day at a time,at 8 weeks just getting out of bed in the morning is a good thing. Thank you for replying to my post,i think i am going to look into .C.F.it will probaly be helpful during the holidays,something i am not looking forward to ,and i always loved them before...T/C Kathy,Nates mom

Kathy, I am sure that a big part of me is still in shock. I am like a yo-yo: I go up, I go down, I get all twisted and knotted up. I am not sure if I am here or there. You are right, it is an effort just to get out of bed in the morning and be able to put one foot in front of the other. The effort involved in just putting a load of towels in the washer is monumental. I am so disappointed in myself that I can't accomplish the simplest of chores, and yet on the other side of that, I truly don't even care. Such conflict that goes on in my head. My children and husband are very understanding. Everyone eats a good meal, it just isn't me who is cooking it for them. I make sure my children are taken care of, but my heart is not in anything I manage to do for them - and then I feel guilty about that, too. It is all too confusing to try and figure out, and requires much more energy and concern than I have to give to it.

I am sure you will benefit from going to a TCF meeting. You will never find more loving, caring people anywhere. You definately feel a lot more comfortable with those around you who have been there and have lived to tell their story. The holidays are going to be hell for all of us, and what better time to take hold of some support to help you through it. They also have a beautiful candle lighting ceremony for the holidays, and from what they have told me, it is one of the most deeply touching moments for those of us who are grieving. You can go to: www.thecompassionatefriends.org, and there you will be able to locate chapters in your area, or contact someone who can find it for you. They are more than willing to help anyone who needs a hand. I hope you find comfort in this, and I wish you much peace through your hard days and years ahead. With love, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[aprilsmom]

Gosh, there are so many anniversaries and birthdays in the months of Sept. and Oct. Our 1st year mark is Nov. 17th - I always treasured the Fall and its crisp, cool days. My thoughts and prayers to all. I have been in the angry/denial mode AGAIN.

Isabelle- at church this weekend I wanted to shake my pastor and DEMAND he tell me that he KNOWS that what we believe is true; I know exactly how you feel.

Greg (Briansdad)- I'll be thinking about you on Friday - let us know how you are, ok?

[jscmom]

The birth of your grandchild I think will be biter sweet. You are truly blessed. I know it will be hard for you yet your son lives on. My Johnny loved children he would have been a proud happy dad if he would have had the chance.

I know these are just words to you now, but I do wish my son did leave me a grandchild. Please find some joy in the cruel world God Bless you and yours.

I was unable to send thank yous for two months didn't even have the strength to open the cards or his guest book. We do want we can when we can and only then. More lessons learned.

[mamabets]

As I prepare to do some family functions that will have everyone there, except for our Danny, I am finding that this is our hurdle this year- His sister gets married in November- We will make it a happy day- She has struggled so hard and she is doing a great job in trying to be all that he would want for her to be. He is so proud of her and all that she has accomplished in the last 18 months. A cousin of Jackie's gets married in a couple of weeks in Florida- I meet her there-She is in it and Julia is the flower girl- I hope that I don't end up panic stricken before getting on an airplane- The last time I went to Florida, it was to take care of my Danny and nurse him back to health. We thought that I had done that, never dreaming that he would be gone 2 months later.He had written me a letter saying that he never could have made it had I not been there. What happened to my little 250lb. boy??? But, we all have stories like mine- "We never thought..." As long as we can come here to talk about how we feel, and listen to others, then that makes for a better day. Our lives are what they are now and I think that we have done a great job in finding each other- I am with all of you as you approach hard dates- The days do pass, and you tend to find that all days hurt- It makes the birthday or whatever hurt a teeny bit less because you realize that every day hurts!! So , we try to do something to celebrate his life- "Thanks, my sweet son, for being here with us for all the years that made this day a happy one. You are never far away and we will remember all of the sweet things about you today, as we honor you with buckets of tears-One tear for eachtime I missed you today~ We will cleanse our souls!!! Just for you" I turn 50 on the 18th- Just another day!!!! And my Danny will be 27 on Halloween!!! We used to joke about birthdays- We both felt that we celebrated each other every day- Just another day, we would say...We celebrated, but we joked about it to. I must keep reminding myself that I feel him tell me "I'll keep this very simple for you Mom, because I love and miss you too. But, I am complete here, a complete being and I am so happy. I am finally all that I knew that I was. I am a free spirit, free to be available to help people with their feelings during their tough time. I am finally exactly where I needed to be for a long time and thanks for listening to me and believing in the power of me. I am with you always" Please Hang Close, as I want to help all that I can!!! And, I 'll need all of you too- You just never know what is going to hit when- We can all relate!! mamabets XO

[mamabets]

Dear Greg- I know that the 30th of this month is just a few short days away and I feel you thinking about where you guys were this time last year. Well, I didn't have Brian in my life then nor did you Danny and one can always use the smiles that young , spirited men put on the faces of 2 strangers... The miracle of the other side, however when you just don't understand, first, how life happened like this, it is a painful, twisted jumble. I go to Kindermourn tomorrow- the home in Charlotte for bereaved parents- I will have a few Cindy Bullens tales, for Kindermourn sent me home with the CD as part of my therapy. As Long As You Love will be talked about in a miraculous kind of way, in memory of Brian and Danny and their mom and Dad that found a way through all of their fumbling, to make a difference- You for me and my sister, us for my therapist. She will love this story!!! I want to know what you have planned for Friday- I'll set some balloons off, maybe at Lowes Motor Speedway!! You have been such a pal and I admire all of the men that try so hard.I am one of those "OLD FASHIONED, it is a guys world kind of gal"- Men grieve differently, I was told early on, although I have met quite a few that are as sweet and as kind as any kid ,actually, deserves!! My sweet, loving husband didn't grieve with me- Danny's favorite guy in this whole world, this step'dad', didn't grieve. Until one night, then he did.And he has allowed me to grieve most of the time.He has been wonderful. I realized that I couldn't tell him how to leave Danny somewhere- Patience- Hang close to the writing to each other here as this year is placed somewhere, and we can make room for the new one that you are prepared to tackle as it comes to you. All of the guys on this site- I am proud to know you and I feel as if I do. You are taking the worst situation and trying to figure it out...That's what Dad'd do- Good dads-And behind every good dad, is a good mom.But, the most important thing for all of us is however we did it, and I did it alone, behind all of our kids here, they knew who loved them- 1 Mom, 2 Dad's, 2 stepmoms, 1 Father, 1 Mother, the list goes on. I am glad to be here with all of you, and Greg-pat yourselves a pat or two, just for me. I thank you for being in my life, just like everyone here. xomamabets

[purplelady]

Dear Andrews Mom, today marks the 1st year of the accident. Johnny was removed off life support 10/09 and died 10/10/04. I still do not cook everyday, I still lay in bed sometimes most of the day. Tears still flow like water and I hate living here because I know he isn't coming back.

Even with counseling and meds this is my life. I believe the smartest thing I have heard since this nighmare began is "IT DOESN'T GET EASIER WE JUST LEARN SOME WAY HOW TO LIVE THIS NEW LIFE". We all know that our children hate seeing us in this pain and sorrow and so we pretend that all is OK. I do know that Johnny hated when I cried and as he watches me now he is sad yet he will give me what I need and the time I need. He was my hero, my baby.

As he soars in heaven I live in hell. Guess as I enter the 2nd as of yesterday my thoughts have not changed the pain is worse, missing him is worse, the sadness deepens and so on and so on...

To all of us that has these dates coming we are all in prayer together.

Lucette, Johnny's mom forever22

Lucette, I want to respond to your statement "As he soars in Heaven, I live in hell" - no truer words were ever spoken. Everyday does get worse and worse, but we can only have the hope that someday it will be different. I am just going through the beginning stages of my grief, so it is hard for me to see that far into my journey - right now I am bitter and heartbroken and drowning in my grief. I cannot imagine that I will ever be able to find a way to work through all of that heartache, but I am prodded by those who have gone before me that I will, indeed, find my peace. My heart aches for you so deeply over the loss of your son, and I understand the pain you are living through. I am so sorry, and I wish I could take the pain away for myself and everyone else. There are many of us (myself included) that pretend we are doing okay so that our children's pain is not worsened by seeing the pain of their parents. I pretend every single day, but it is worth the price to me to see my other children being able to make it through each day without carring such a heavy emotional burden. They are the only reason I still go on, and they are worth every single second of my love and attention. As I have learned in this short period of grief, life will never be the same again, but life does continue. It seems unfair, but it is the way it is. Keep posting on this thread and sharing your bitter grief with those of us who understand and care. I know that it has been a life-saver for me; and although I am still stuck so deep in my grief, I shudder to think where I would be if not for all of my dear friends here. Remember, you are loved - and there are so many who truly care about your pain and the pain of others. We will hold each other up and cry together and lean on each other when we cannot stand ourselves. Helping one another also helps ourselves. May you find some peace and comfort as you walk through the day today. Much love, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Purplelady, when you look at this journey of grief, look down at your feet, so you see smaller steps and less of the journey. It's a long road, so it's best to take it on your own terms. The empty place in your heart may remain, but the pain does get less, little by little. My thoughts and prayers are with you for all the peace you need.

[donosmom]

Danielsmom, I thought of you often this past weekend with respect to your daughters wedding. Saturday is my son's wedding and I am having such anxiety already. Michaels fiance's mother died when she was younger so they are honoring her mother and Matthew, after Heather's dad gives her away they are going to light memory candles and the minister is reading a poem in their honor. I hope I don't desolve into a pool of tears.

Someone here and I apologize I don't remember who, told about how the groom had a T-shirt with a picture of their brother that said best man on it. Michael liked that idea so much that I hope it is ok that we copied it. My son, husband and all 6 groomsman have a tshirt to wear. Michael and Matthew shared everything and had the same friends so all the guys wanted a shirt.

I know I am rambling.

Matt's mom Mary

11/3/79 - 7/13/03

[purplelady]

Purplelady, when you look at this journey of grief, look down at your feet, so you see smaller steps and less of the journey. It's a long road, so it's best to take it on your own terms. The empty place in your heart may remain, but the pain does get less, little by little. My thoughts and prayers are with you for all the peace you need.

ALWAYSMYJENNIFER: I am trying to take it day by day, moment by moment. It is just so hard not to think about what is to come with the holiday's fast approaching. I am so weary from walking around with a lump in my throat and tears brimming in my eyes whenever I think about how hard these times are going to be. You just keep shoving the pain aside, pushing it further and deeper down, until it almost chokes you from the build-up. I guess I will just have to keep hanging on for the wild ride. Thank you for your comforting words of encouragement. Judi, Andrew's Mom

[wnf4ever]

Kathy, Nate’s mom -

Everyone was consoling both Marcille and me at my uncle’s funeral, as well, but we went because we knew we should, I know you know exactly what I mean. I knew we needed to be there for my family, but we just couldn’t stop ourselves from remembering and feeling everything from that horrible day of Warren’s. That is such a good idea about putting a thank you card in the Sunday paper. I did get through a letter “to everyone” and that’s what I’ve decided to send – I just cannot get through any more of this! I am the same way, I just start crying uncontrollably each time I pick up a letter and attempt to finish it. I so hope and pray that you are right Kathy, that when I do see Warren’s son I will realize it is a gift from God. Nate sounds a lot like Warren in the fact that Warren loved kids too, he always made them laugh and they would flock to him. I’m truly so sorry for your loss and I will always think of you in July too when we are going through the rough times that used to be celebrations. I sure never thought I’d be spending my son’s 26th birthday with him in that way… Horribly sad and it hurts so much, it continues to take my breath away on a minute-by-minute basis. It’s just not right. Thank you SO MUCH for your kinds words and thoughts, you just could never know how much they help. You are a wonderful person.

I have a very dear friend that came to the baby shower a few weeks ago. She’s always so thoughtful and she brought me a gift and a card. The gift is a beautiful pewter picture frame that says “Grandma” and in the card she got me she wrote the most touching words, I hope you don’t mind if I share them with you…”I believe this baby is a blessing from God. Even though Warren will never be replaced, you have a part of him with you forever. He will know his dad from all of our wonderful memories.” I still cannot get through that without crying. I KNOW this will be bittersweet, but it is up to us to share with this baby what an awesome and loving dad he had! We did just find out yesterday that the baby is not getting into position, so Lori is going to have to have a C-section – please everyone, pray for their health…Thank you.

I can relate to just how lazy I feel. Those that I talk to tell me it’s “normal”, but what is normal for those of us who’ve lost children anymore? I have NO energy, NO motivation to do a single thing. All I do is think about and miss my son. The only reason I get up in the morning is because I have to. My mind wanders all of the time and I actually got a “talking to” last week by my boss because of the way things are going. Oh well, I just don’t care about anything any longer. If it weren’t for my daughter and my parents, I sincerely don’t know what I’d do. There is just absolutely nothing I enjoy anymore, everything makes me think about Warren and what we are missing together.

Jscmom – Thank you for your kind words also. I hope someday that I can share in the sentiments “you are truly blessed.” I guess I just am unable to get past how dearly Warren would have loved his son and I keep seeing the huge grin on his face when the baby is finally born. Thank you, I hope I feel some ‘joy’ when the baby is born, but I’m sure I will. I know it will be bittersweet and I guess I sound pretty selfish in the fact that I’m just not SO EXCITED over the birth of Warren’s son, but I’m sure that will change once I see that baby. Lori (Warren’s girlfriend) wants the baby to look like Warren so badly – she especially wants the baby to have Warren’s beautiful blue-gray eyes. I am anxious to see the baby, and I know that he will have a lot of Warren’s mannerisms/characteristics. I guess together, we can get through this. I know I will love the little guy (my first grandchild too), but I so wish that the circumstances were completely different. I just do the best I can each second of each day, just as I know we all do.

Thank you all for being there; listening and giving me much needed advice and words of reassurance. I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers constantly…

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Aprilsmom, I hope I helped you with your question. Be gentle to your pastor. If you want to beat up someone, beat up me. I've also been in seminary, so I can maybe give you the answers you look for. At least I'll try. She's right where she belongs. I know that. Rest your heart. If you need anything, just ask. I'm praying for you.

[jscmom]

Judy, thank you for your reply. I must tell you I still feel like I am in the beginning I can't see it in the past. Everyday seems the same as the last. I have no idea how we are to walk this walk all I really want to do is crawl in a hole and cover it up. Take care, Lucette Johnnys mom forever22

[jscmom]

Warrens mom, thank you also. Don't be so hard on yourself on all of those mixed emotions on the up coming birth of your grand baby. NOTHING will ever hurt you as you hurt now wish none of us had to KNOW this kind of pain. My heart and thoughts will be with you, prayers from all of us too.

This will be hard for you we know this. I don't want to sound like a horrible person but I DO wish there was a little John.

The days after the accident, Shannon thought she may be pregant. Shannon had all the signs, but as it turned out she wasn't I was so disappointed. I had so many mixed feelings about her possibly having his child. It gave me hope that he would wake up as he wanted children so bad. Then the decesion had to made to remove his life support and remember thinking if God wants him so bad a least God we will blessed with his baby...I wasn't.

I know it is not the same thing but it is want happened to me.

My prayers are with you

[briansdad]

How can I describe this feeling?The feeling of dread I have welling up inside me.It feels like a weight has been placed on my chest making it hard to catch my breath.My legs feel weak.It's 2 days away! I wonder how I'll feel Friday.I hope to God It's not like this every year!

[aprilsmom]

Dearest Greg, all my prayer warrior friends(teachers at Linda Verde Center for severely disabled children) are going to be holding you up on Friday. I can truthfully tell you that their prayers have kept me alive; I wanted to go to April SSSSOOOOOOOO badly; they kept telling me how much the kids need me here! I will be going through your steps on November 17th. Where did a flippin' YEAR go? I'm in a TIME WARP! We're all here for you Brian's dad!!

[aprilsmom]

Dear Donosmom, ahhh the wedding. Five months before April's accident she was the maid of honor for her sister Kristi. I watched the video just recently, (Kristi has been unable to do so because she knows it is filled with her sister). In giving the toast April says, "Brad and Kris, I want you to remember that it's not about having what you want in this world, it's about wanting what you have, and I pray that you're always, always (her voice broke here)gonna want what you have". We will have to get through Jami's wedding, she's 24, without our April, and the girls have a hard time with that. Jami was saying that there is an "absentee bridesmaid or groomsman formation" that is traditionally used when a sibling has passed away...Just something to think about. I hope you'll have peace on Saturday. Renee

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Briansdad, we're praying for you. Take each moment, and make all your spirit can of them. When it hurts, cry. Release the pain from your spirit. We're with you completely. May you have the peace you need.