Loss of an Adult Child

[Artina]

MissingChris,

Since your wife has not talked since she told you; maybe a note to her would be most effective. I know that I appreciate small gestures of thoughtfulness from my husband. Sometimes I don't want to talk about what's going on and thus a supportive note under my pillow or in my purse is quite effective.

Just a thought.

Peace to you, Tina

[daveydow1]

To all who have angel days and and other special days

coming up-- I sincerely wish you peace on those sad

days.

Briansdad,

The poem, Broken Chain, that you posted was one we used

for an 'In Memoriam' that we had published on our son, Davey's,

angel day. It is a comforting poem, and a favorite of mine. Thanks

Peace to everyone on this BI site.

[purplelady]

MISSINGCHRIS - I read your post, and all the kind, loving responsed to you. I have to say that each one of them made sense. Right after I buried my son 10 weeks ago, my husband and I were silent and not communicating. I wanted to tell him so badly how I was feeling inside, but I couldn't - and he couldn't approach me because he felt like he was helpless in comforting me. He was also hurting very badly himself. I decided to write him a letter and left it for him to read when he felt he was ready. It made all the difference in the world. A letter you can read and re-read. You are able to go back and read it over and over again, and be able to recall the comfort and support and love behind the words. I know it was helpful to me, also, to get all my feelings out on paper instead of keeping it bottled up inside of me.

I also agree with the others: your son is so young. He is only able to express himself in the only way he knows how at his age. I know that if one of my children said that to me - no matter how old they were - I would have to agree with them. As much as I know that all my children love me, I would gladly trade places to have my son back on this earth with us. How many of us parents have thought this very thing ... probably a lot. It is a natural, desperate feeling, and I am sure at only 6 years old, your son is reacting to his pain of losing his brother. His mother is still here with him, so he does not have the capacity to think about what his words truly mean because he is just missing and grieving for his brother so deeply.

I am sure you wife knows how much you love her. My husband would not know what to say if I approached him with that, either. Just continue to love her and comfort her and support her, and find your own way to let her know that you are always there for her, no matter what. If you think that she is in need of some professional help, go with her and continue to help her through her pain. She will never forget that.

I wish you much peace and comfort through this extremely difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Much love and friendship, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[missingchris]

Thanks for all your responses. I'm not worried about dakota. He expresses himself well, and has no issues with talking about what happened. My wife encourages him to talk about anything. tough at times, but we know he'll always tell us what's on his mind. I guess it caught her off guard, she is the one that is with him all the time, he goes to her with most of his worries and such. But yet he picked her to be the one that left. in one sense she understood his need to have Chris back ay any cost, but it threw her to have heard him say what he did. She's better this evening, we talked, it was a matter of "mommy hurt feelings". Anyways, thanks for listening..... some of the things we go through are weird and nuts.

[kathy714]

I feel like i have not had a chance ot post lately betwwen working and my sister is here visiting from Fla.,although i do still read them everyday.TO Missingchris,i wish i had some words of wisdom,it sounds like you do have a good relationship with your son,Dakota,and i am sure this all must be hard for him to take in,all i can think of is maybe he heard others talk about trading places and maybe he thought it was the thing to say,i don't know,he probaly loves you and your wife so much and he might be scared and doen't quite understand everything going on right now.T/C kathy nate's mom

[enufalreddy]

Thank you Purplelady and Julsmom for your support. I'm still finding myself in tears over Walt being out in the cold this winter. Even now when the nights are cold and damp.I am overwhelmed by just about everything lately. The holidays coming up. My poor grandson. I keep calling him by my son's name. I used to mess them up before ( the names that is ) but now it's a bigger deal and I feel bad for him having to put up with it. He has emotional problems of his own.And I have no tolerance for life's BS at this point. Every little glitch has me befuddled or in tears.I don't know if I believe time will make things better.It's something that is just plain awful and unacceptable.I want so badly to talk to him.Not a one way conversation.And I am so angry with him for not giving up the drugs. He could have tried harder.I'm not sure of my faith anymore. I feel so lost.

[heartbrokendad]

dear enufalreaddy,

I just wanted to tell you that as a parent who has lost 2 children, it never gets better, it will ease somewhat, but never get better....it will be 3 years on 11/3 since my daughter CarrieAnn died from a drug overdose, and it will be 3 years on 7/16 since my son Matthew died form a emboli he sufferd while in rehab.

The days go by and I just wait till I see them again...I have gotten involved in drug addiction prevention, and it has been a very meaningful experience for me, as I know my kids are with me when I talk to people about what drugs have done to me and my kids.....better???? no not ever....but less painfull

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[julsmom]

to all - here I sit trying to hold on to good thoughts and know that in some respects as Stu said, it is less painful, not better. Yet in 9 days it will be the 2 yr mark and I am a basket case again. Two months ago I made arrangements to travel to visit family this weekend and I am now regretting it. I will go because our son and all my brothers and sisters will be there and as we are all aging and, as all of us know on this board, life is way too short. I am flying which I hate to do. It will be a happy occasion (one of my bros. b-days). Julie died on Columbus day weekend which is this weekend, although the actual date is the 13th and I will be home by then. So I am having real mixed emotions about all of this. I know my brother (his b-day is the 12th) was relieved Julie did not die on that date. Goodness, I am rambling aren't I. But all of you certainly know what I am going through. Thank you in advanced for your prayers and thoughts. Lynda

[Artina]

Enufalreddy,

I just wanted you to know that I am praying for some relief for you. Like Heartbrokendad said, the pain eases. Something that really helped me in the first couple of years was to work on staying in the moment and staying out of the future. I know that's hard, but it really helped to stay in the moment. It's hard enough to hurt in the NOW. When we forecast to the future, we hurt in the NOW and the FUTURE. So, minute by minute. And, when you have a good minute- don't feel guilty about it- take it. Eventually the minutes will add up to hours, day, days, week, weeks, etc. I'm not saying you won't hurt or miss your son, I'm saying you will have a different perspective that will ease your pain and allow you to grab life again.

I miss my son so much... but it has gotten far better than it was in the first year.

Peace to you, Tina

[julsmom]

enufalreddy - I can't think that Julie is cold, in a dark place or alone. It would drive me crazy, as she hated the dark and to be alone. I believe she is not there, that her spirit is else where and that is only a shell that we buried. A beautiful, loving shell, but nevertheless, she is not there. May my words help you find some comfort as you continue in this journey. Peace, Lynda

[mattsdad]

Hello all...I've just found this site the other day and may I say you people are inspirational to me. We lost our 24 year-old Matthew this past August 7th so my wife and I are overwhelmed by our loss. My wife has taken it VERY hard since day 1. I must have been in shock for the past 8 weeks but now I am finding myself in utter misery. Like some of you have said-my heart hurts, aches and is so very heavy.

This is a tough club to belong to. None of us ever thought that we would be here. But now that I see what you all have gone through and are living proof that life must go on, my wife and I are not alone any longer. We are with new friends.

On Friday we will reach month #2. I dread that day and the many \"firsts\" to come.

Jeff-mattsdad.

[kirksdad]

Jeff, Mattsdad, the last thing anyone wants to do is welcome someone to a site like this. Being here means one has gone through the worst thing a parent can experience and we all know this is a type of emotional lost that lasts a lifetime. We also know there is some hope for a future for us although that future will be forever changed. This is a great place to talk and listen. There are some great and wonderful parents posting on this strand that have been through so much and have managed in so many ways to become stronger. I will say that strength comes with time and how much time that takes is different for each parent. We have all been through the emptiness and complete devastation to ones emotional being that losing a child represent. It is hard, it is total pain, and a complete lack of understanding. I am glad you found the site, I hope it helps in some small way. Jim

[briansdad]

Mattsdad,

I'm sorry you had to come here but I'm glad you found the site.As you can see many of the people here are Moms.I think Dad's are expected to be strong and not seek the kind of help that comes from a place like this.Your supposed to keep it all inside.My son Brian was also 24 and we just passed 1 year Sept. 30 and I don't think I could have made it without my friends here.I know how raw the wound is just 2 months in to it.I can't say it gets better just more tolerable if that's possible.If you need to talk feel free to e-mail me any time.Take care of yourself and you wife.

To all my other friends I wanted to share something I learned at one of my Bereaved Parents meetings.With the holidays coming up soon this is an idea a member shared with me. She has a candle in a glass jar that she takes to all family holiday functions with her sons name on it so he is always there with them. I did mine with Brian's picture.I just thought it was a good idea so the family couldn't ignore the fact that your child is gone, as many families try to do.

Just a thought.

All of you take care.

[julsmom]

Mattsdad - I am sorry too that you have to be on this site. As briansdad said, most of us are women, but grief knows no gender. Be gentle with yourself and with your wife. Numbness is good because once it wears off, the reality sets in, and it gets harder. My 27 y/o daughter died 10/13/03 in a one car crash. Despite my earlier posting, healing has taken place and we are certainly in a different place then we were 2 months out. The firsts (and remembering the lasts) are very hard. May you and your wife find peace. Lynda

[brknhrt]

5 years have come and gone since our son was ripped from our lives.People claim that we need \"closure\",there is no such thing!We will grieve every day for the rest of our lives.I can manage the pain most of the time,but I will never \"get over it\".Our family has been irrevocably broken.We will survive but we will never be the same.So many dreams and ambitions that can never be realized.All we are left with is broken hearts and empty arms.It is a fate worse than death.I look forward to the peace that will come when my life is over.Very few people in our inner circle know that I feel this way.In fact they seem surprised If I mention it.So I say nothing and bide my time till that peace finally comes.I just want this pain to go away.I know that it will some day,untill then I will be strong.

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- With a heavy heart, I welcome you. My son Danny passed away in June of 2004. He was 25 and I often refer to him as "the very first perfect love in my life." I have many now; I have weeded out many more. While this will never, ever, ever go away, over time the frequency of the intensity certainly lessens some. When it hits, it hits just as hard, but there is definately time in between that life is bearable, and even pleasurable. My daughter is getting married in November- How can I not share in this joyous occasion? She has suffered a tremendous loss as well and is planning her little wedding in spite of it. Know this- You have earned the right to be exactly who you are, at all times. Feel free to cry,to be in a bad mood,to get depressed, and to be happy. I remember feeling guilty the first time that I laughed after Danny died. While I do not laugh like I did, it is OK when I do now. I have lost a child and a dear friend. With time you will find that you naturally put more time together that consists of great memories as opposed to haunting flashbacks- As for the peaks and valleys in life, I have found that "my" home is now in the valley for the duration, however it most certainly is beautifully decorate with tons of lillies and plenty of hope. Especially for those that feel so hopeless- It is a frightening world to be in without our kids, because it is all too unfamiliar- May peace be with you as you begin to travel on with all of us here at Beyond Indigo- We have made our own extended family here and we will share in your pain always. We walk this walk together. Please feel free to e-mail me also at any time, and know that I check this site about 25 times a day!! I am Betsy and I go by mamabets. Take Care... XO

[Artina]

Mattsdad,

I am so sorry for your loss. I found Beyond Indigo a little over three years ago and have never left this site. There are a lot of loving, caring, and devoted mother's and father's who have lost their child/ren, who share wonderful tools and support. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got when I joined Beyond Indigo was to take what information works and leave what does not. We all bring different variables to our grief and must work through this at our pace and time.

Peace to you, Tina

Chrisotpher Wentworth

09/30/82 to 01/04/02

Snowmobile accident

[Artina]

Brknhrt,

Please know how sorry I am for your pain. I don't think people have the right to tell you, or anybody, when it is time to move on. I usually think to myself when I hear that statment- "where"? For Heavens sake- the very fact that we get out of be in the morning is a miracle.

I have found joy in life again. I have reinvested some feelings back into this life that I live. The statement "moving on", does not belong in the grief process as far as I am concerned. However, learning a new way to live life while I grieve is a concept that has worked for me and my family.

Peace to you, Tina

[purplelady]

Hello all...I've just found this site the other day and may I say you people are inspirational to me. We lost our 24 year-old Matthew this past August 7th so my wife and I are overwhelmed by our loss. My wife has taken it VERY hard since day 1. I must have been in shock for the past 8 weeks but now I am finding myself in utter misery. Like some of you have said-my heart hurts, aches and is so very heavy.

This is a tough club to belong to. None of us ever thought that we would be here. But now that I see what you all have gone through and are living proof that life must go on, my wife and I are not alone any longer. We are with new friends.

On Friday we will reach month #2. I dread that day and the many "firsts" to come.

Jeff-mattsdad.

Jeff, I just lost my son also, about 10 weeks ago. God, I so understand what you and your wife are going through right now. When I found this site, I also found some of my sanity ... and you will find no better people to walk with you through your journey than your new friends here. The pain and heartache that goes on day after day is tragic, but there is a measure of comfort in coming here and being with those who truly undersand. I pray that you and your wife will find some measure of peace in the empty places of your heart. AS I am just beginning this journey myself, I have nothing much to offer you but understanding, and support that we will all hold each other up. There is much love and compassion here, and I am sure you will find it as you reach out your hand to others. May God bless you always, and you will be in my prayers. Much love, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[danielsmom]

Mattsdad, I am so very sorry for your loss.I am nearing the 6 month mark since Daniel died.The pain is always there,I don't think it will ever go away.what has happened in our lifes just isn't right.This site has helped me so much,as I am sure it will help you.

Take care of yourself.

Wendy

Daniel Grandmaison

November 20 1985 - April 17 2005

[danielsmom]

Donosmom, I was thinking of you on Saturday, I hope you had a nice time at your son's wedding.I know that a very important person was missing,but he was in all of your hearts.

Wendy

[brknhrt]

Artina,Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.We have been thrust into a club,of which none of us wants to belong.Friends and extended family can not begin to know the depth of pain we endure daily.I am afraid to express too much joy about anything,I fear it will be taken away from me.Reading these notes helps me to know Im not alone.This forum allows me to express my frustation with myself.I truly appreciate your help.

[rhonda68]

Hello everyone I am sitting here with my nightly glass of wine just 1 as of right now but I will probably have a few more oh god help me I dont know what has become of me. I am lost I am dead gone forever but I still have to act as though i am living. My heart aches so so bad and I am so sick of selfish people which that seems to be that is all that is around me right now except you all on here I know your the only ones in this world that understand. My sons Birthday is on October 9th he would have been 20 and my birthday is just 3 days later and we always celebrated them together so this will be the first one in 20 years without him. Also the head stone that I got for him is suppose to be put in six weeks ago and the people that are in charge of this keep stalling with some new excuse why it isnt done and this is drving me nuts. Thinking of you all!

Love,

Richards Mom

Oct 9,1985 - Feb 23,2005

Kenny Chesney Lyrics 10/01/05 06:06 PM

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe your gone

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died to young

Like a story that had just begun

But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

All the hell that I've been through

Just knowing, no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world

Would you chase your dreams

Settle down with a family

I wonder what would you name your babies

Someday's the sky's so blue

I feel like I can talk to you

And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus)

Today [3x]

Today [3x]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

The only thing that gives me hope

Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday reply

[daveydow1]

Brknhrt,

Everyone here knows your pain. I know that we would

rather be anywhere than being on this journey of grief,

as you have said in your post. My wish for you is that

somehow you may find some small measure of peace.

[daveydow1]

Julsmom,

I am complete agreement with your post about how you

feel that Julie is in a warm and better place. I visit

my son, Davey's grave, often, but somehow I have never

felt that his spirit is there. I have always felt the

same way about my baby, Lisa, who died over 30 yrs. ago.

To me, Lisa and Davey are together, even though she died

before he was born. Thanks for your post. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Mattsdad,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Matt.

The pain is so very intense in these early days that you

are in, as you said in your post. I hope you will return

to this site. It has helped me so much to be able to express

freely the roller coaster of emotions and pain we go through

on this unwanted journey. My prayers are with you in these

early agonizing days. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

My prayers are with you for the upcoming days of your dear

son, Richard's birthday Oct. 9 and your birthday Oct. 12.

I feel that you and I have a kinship in this respect, as

my son, Davey's birthday was Sept. 26, and my own birthday

is Oct. 7. I always felt so close to Dave, especially since

we were born under the same sign---Libra. Of course you and

your son were also born under the same Libra sign. While

I do not follow all the stuff that is written about the

Zodiak/horoscopes and all the signs etc, I have always felt

a closeness to Davey, and I believe in some small way that

it is because our birthdays are so close. I always understood

him so well---his shyness etc. I am definitely not a person

who reads my daily horoscope---or refuse to get out of bed if

it would happen to say that it was an unlucky day for me. Well,

anyhow---that's my thoughts on that subject. Rhonda, I do so

wish you peace and tranquility.

[jscmom]

Mattsdad-Monday 10/10/05 is my son John's angel date. 1 year ago seems like yesteday and forever. I miss him so much everything about him everything. The pain for myself is worse (and I didn't think it could be) yet it is. All of us here know your thoughts and your pain. Stu do we really learn how to live this life without or children?

Julsmom, I understand about not wanting to leave, just know when you do your beautiful daughter will be there.

Rhonda68 and Daveydow John's angel date is between yours may God give us strentgh to make it. I feel like half of me died when John did and the other half can't wait to so I can be with him again.

Brknrt....ditto

Tina, as I read your posts it gives me that living again may happen as I am just existing. You are right it is a miracle just to get out of bed.

On Monday myself and friends will be send balloons to heaven at 2:27p.m. We will talk with John and about him. I plan on bringing my lap top and play his dvd, and lastly have a good friend sing amazing grace. I don't know how I will be able to handle this all I can do is pray about it. I have been dreading this day all year..I hate this new tradition.

Peace and love to all.....

Lucette, Johnny's best friend and momma forever 22

[mattsdad]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I will be a frequent visitor to this site.

My wife and I were enroute from New Jersey to South Carolina by car. At 7:39 on Sunday morning Aug 7th we got the call. But not from the police. It was from our 18 year old daughter, Kristin. She found Matthew dead on the couch in our den. She called 911 and dealt with the police officers and detectives, the medical examiner and all the questions they put to her to make sure there was no foul play. After all of this they made her, in all her grief, call us on the road to give us the news. The police evidently didn't think she had been through enough that morning. We were 5 hours from home so we called family members to get over to the house asap. Thank God for our family at this time.

Talk about feeling helpless and so far from home...

It turns out that Matthew,who suffered from bi-polar disorder, had a panic attack on Saturday night and took some muscle relaxers to settle down. Unfortunately, he took too many and just went to sleep. But there is so much more to this story that I won't get into yet.

So now we are here to try and pick up the pieces. It still seems surreal. So for us life changed at 07:39 Aug 7th. Normal life ended at that time and this new one began.

It's hard enough on us but it really is hard on our daughter. Our other 22 year old son was also at home but by his own admission he just lost it and couldn't deal with the police, etc...

Before I start to ramble I better go.

Thanks again to all and see you soon.

Jeff

[kirksdad]

Mattsdad, you are so right about normal life ending and a new life beginning. Our son had ADHD and at times I wonder if he might have been bi-polar, his death was preventable and centered around his disorder. It is just something that one has such a hard time dealing with.

[mamabets]

For Jeff- Your story is hitting so close to home- Yours too, Kirksdad- My Danny had problems and his father paid no attention and got in my way every time we had help lined up and were ready to go. I pray for all of us- Please read Danny's story on the front page- I am so proud of him, as I have always been. We will all somehow get through this together. xo mamabets

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends,

If you google "Lowell Sun", newspaper, and click on the story"Westford dad pleads for tighter controls on oxycontin", you will see what I'm doing to fill the void left by my kids dieing...

[mattsdad]

To Kirksdad and Mamabets,

My wife and I had been going for counselling to try and cope with Matthews behavior due to bi-polar disorder and anxiety attacks.. It was putting quite a lot of stress on the entire family. He would sleep most of the day, roam the house at night. He could not get on a regular schedule or find regular work. Matthew had no health coverage and we couldn\'t afford to get it for him( 2 kids in college). He was on a waiting list at the local hospital to receive free counselling. This help, of course, did not arrive in time. But to receive the meds he was taking he saw a psychiatrist every 3 or for months. Besides being on 4 different prescriptions to control his mood swings he began drinking heavily....We didn't realise how heavily until the week after his death when we cleaned up his room and found many vodka bottles...He always assured us he had everything under control(we thought differntly but we didn't follow through). My wife tried like crazy to snap himout of his funks. I, on the other hand grew weary of the battle. I could have done so much more than I did. That is one of the reasons his death seemed so senseless. If I would have done more he might still be with us. We'll never know that for sure. Matthew also refused to believe he was mentally ill. He said the doctors didn't know what they were talking about. Finally about 3 weeks before he died he and I had some talks and I told him that we loved him and hated to see what he was doing to himself physically and mentally. We nearly had a meeting of the minds. He was trying to get better and I was truly understanding what he was going through. (too little too late).So when my wife and I left for South Carolina that weekend we"jokingly" put Kristin, 18 years old, in charge of the house. Matthew didn't think it was funny, but I think he knew she was the wisest of our three kids....

And then that night came and he made his fateful mistake. Too many muscle relaxants (we don't know where he got them. They were not his prescribed meds)to bring himself out of a panic attack.

The result is horrible grief and much much guilt on what we didn't do to turn Matthew around sooner. We let our guard down and then he's gone!

Lesson learned too late.

This might have been preventable. We just can't be sure.

Thanks all.

Jeff

[brknhrt]

To mattsdad, As parents we try to protect our children no matter how old they get.It is hard to understand that our children have their own lives and make their own decisions.I warned my son about riding in a vehicle when the driver is drinking.I truly beleve that Johnny did not know that his friend had been drinking as much as he had when they decided to take a quick trip on his friends new motorcycle.The friend hit a curb and the force of the impact propelled his body into a tree at over 80 mph.He was dead before his body hit the ground.His friend will have to live with the fact that he killed his best friend.We are left to hold this life together.You will always be able to pull the stick marked," I should have done more", and beat yourself up with it.But remeber you should keep a warm blanket next to that stick that is marked "I did the best I could".Wrap yourselves in that blanket and feel the warmth of your childs love saying I know you did your best and I love you for it.Good luck in the journey that lies before you and give yourself lots and lots of time.It is a long,long journey.

[mattsdad]

Thanks brknhrt,

I'm sorry for your loss. It certainly seemed avoidable but kids just never see beyond today. That's what makes it so tragic. So we are left to pick up the pieces and keep going.

I might beat myself for a while with the " I should have done more stick" because I am not sure I did the best I could. That's what I will have to get over.

I appreciate your advise. It sure is easy to feel guilty when these things happen.

Thanks.

Jeff

[mamabets]

Mattsdad- I believe that guilt can play a big part in the early stages of this process. it is normal and to be expected. I have been very fortunate, and I NEVER take it for granted, in that I have been spared this emotion. However, I certainly can relate to any and all emotions, for the loss of a child sets no boundries. There is no question that by your reaching out shows that you are and were more than willing to do what ever you could to help Matt. It was beyond your control, as was my losing Danny. All of us as parents lost complete control when we lost our kids. Keep coming here for the love and support that will definately, in time, make you see that this was not your fault. Know, too, that Matt will never know this kind of pain- The pain of losing a child. I, for one, am grateful for that. XO mamabets

[julsmom]

mattsdad - Please do not beat yourself up. I am so sorry your 18 y/o daughter had to call you on the road. Our surviving son lived in another state and we had to call him, it was too much for us, I cannot imagine how it was for your daughter. We also had to tell Julie's boyfriend, who lived in out of state too. She was traveling from seeing him when her car crashed. He kept calling because Julie should have been home and no one had heard from her. I can't believe he "felt" something was wrong, when I, her mother, did not. I too live in NJ and if you or your wife would like to talk, please feel free to email me (just use the email icon). May we all find peace on this journey. Lynda

[julsmom]

Dear friends,

If you google "Lowell Sun", newspaper, and click on the story"Westford dad pleads for tighter controls on oxycontin", you will see what I'm doing to fill the void left by my kids dieing...

Stu - good for you, the article was very good. I'm glad you are fighting for a cause in your children's name. I don't know alot about oxycontin but have read of the abuse of the drug. May you find peace, Lynda

[kirksdad]

Mattsdad, I read your story and hear some of the same things we went through with Kirk. The last 2 years of his life we fought a terrible battle between him, the doctor, the school and his friends. He quit doing anything we wanted and seem to try his best to wear us down, also. He hated taking the meds, fought with us when we went to the doctor, was being pursued by the principal at school who told me that maybe I would be better putting him in the school in the town next to us and had numerous run ins with the police for traffic violations. God, I work with the person telling me to send him somewhere else and never understanding why they couldn't at least try a little to help.

The night he died he was drinking vodka and was driving crazy on a road near our home. He went out of control, the car rolled on top of him after he fell through the widow as it rolled. So senseless, the same questions haunted us, but as parents we can only do so much and then everyone is responsible for their own life, their own future. It really sucks, I hate it.

[julsmom]

Kirksdad, an interesting phrase you use "it sucks". That's all my husband says about the whole situation - It sucks. Well it is not all he says, but he says it a lot. Peace, Lynda

[kirksdad]

Stu, I hope you don't mind, but I am going to post the address for the newspaper article, it is wonderful that you can find the strength to go to bat for others like that.

Great Article Everyone Should Read.

http://lowellsun.com/ci_3089158

[kirksdad]

Julsmom, I bet your husband and myself have the same things to say.

[julsmom]

Yes I am sure you two say a lot of the same things. I tried to get him to go on this site or in chat rooms but he found no comfort with those activities. He is a solitary kind of guy, although he did see a counselor for awhile. He is just not the kind of man that opens up to others easily - he is the one others come to. Part of it is his profession (minister) but even before that he was just that steady, calm person you would want around in a crisis. Although we both know healing is taking place and we certainly are better than we were at the year mark. Thank you for your steady support of all us on this board. Lynda

[mamabets]

For Stu- I will pray for you every day as you go to visit both of you children- I will applaud you for what you are trying to do in their memory- My Danny lived in Florida- He died in Tampa- Where was your son when he passed away, where in Florida? I am going down to Stuart next week to join my family for a nieces wedding- I pray for a happy time, if this is possible. As I look out into the beautiful ocean, I will try to be still so I can feel all that I believe for the most part- There is no more suffering for our kids that suffered here. If that means that I have to carry on here with life being what it now is, then I will do that for Danny, just like you are doing for your kids. Bless you and write soon!! XO mamabets

[purplelady]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I will be a frequent visitor to this site.

My wife and I were enroute from New Jersey to South Carolina by car. At 7:39 on Sunday morning Aug 7th we got the call. But not from the police. It was from our 18 year old daughter, Kristin. She found Matthew dead on the couch in our den. She called 911 and dealt with the police officers and detectives, the medical examiner and all the questions they put to her to make sure there was no foul play. After all of this they made her, in all her grief, call us on the road to give us the news. The police evidently didn't think she had been through enough that morning. We were 5 hours from home so we called family members to get over to the house asap. Thank God for our family at this time.

Talk about feeling helpless and so far from home...

It turns out that Matthew,who suffered from bi-polar disorder, had a panic attack on Saturday night and took some muscle relaxers to settle down. Unfortunately, he took too many and just went to sleep. But there is so much more to this story that I won't get into yet.

So now we are here to try and pick up the pieces. It still seems surreal. So for us life changed at 07:39 Aug 7th. Normal life ended at that time and this new one began.

It's hard enough on us but it really is hard on our daughter. Our other 22 year old son was also at home but by his own admission he just lost it and couldn't deal with the police, etc...

Before I start to ramble I better go.

Thanks again to all and see you soon.

Jeff

Jeff, my name is Judi and I am the mom of Andrew, my son, who died July 17th, ten weeks ago. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Matthew. As I am also new to this grief journey, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this now tragic life that has been thrown at us. My son died alone in his apartment. His girlfriend found him on his bedroom floor on his hands and knees with his face in the carpet. Was he crying out to God, or crawling to get help ... I don't know, and that image haunts me every day of my life. She said he was freezing cold when she found him, so she turned him on his back and laid on top of him to keep him warm. That was such a loving, caring thing to do, and I will not forget that as long as I live. We had the excruciating experience of having to wait outside of my son's apartment, in 90 degree weather, for 2 hours until the police would let us in Andrew's house. Even then, they did not want us to see him at all. My oldest son finally convinced the detective to let us see my son for 5 seconds, and he finally relented, but we had to just view him from the hallway outside of his bedroom. They were worried that we would fall apart, freak out, go beserk - and of course we would! Why not, our precious Andrew had just died. We were in shock, denial, and we had just lost one of our treasures ... how were we supposed to react?

Andrew died of an accidental overdose. He was not a drug addict, but sometimes self-medicated when he was particularly stressed out. We believe that Andrew was bipolar, but he never wanted to get any help for it. Andrew was 20 years old, and had his 21st birthday only a month after he died. Each day just gets harder and harder to bear, as I am sure you are finding out. I have 6 other children, all who are dealing with the loss in 6 different ways. I have joined a support group, and it is comforting to be with those who understand and care. There are so many loving people on this board who will be there anytime you need them - so I keep coming here. Some days I feel like a train-wreck, and other days I feel like road-kill; but everyday sucks in some way or another. I know this is a long, painful journey, and you have to hold on with all your might - that is what I am doing, one moment at a time. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find some measure of peace as you travel down this road of grief. God bless you and keep you. In friendship, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[mamabets]

For Judi and Jeff- My heart goes out to both of you so much, because I remember being two months, three months , whatever, early on and all I can remember now is that I had no idea what I was doing, I had been hospitalized twice, and I remember how I seemed as if I could not even stand up. I couldn't- I spent alot of time on the floor, just rolling around in pain. Thank you for allowing me to see your willingness- You carry hope, as we all do in our own ways. I have put together some long months now, and I am so grateful for this site- I am amazed at how many ADD/ bi-polar kids are surfacing here- Danny had ADD and was definately showing some signs of serious depression, but boy, never for long- Always functioned... Well, I will try to rest now, as I hope that you can too, Where in New Jersey is everybody from?? I was born there!! mamabets XO

[enufalreddy]

Thank you to all who are supporting me on this journey. I'm so tired of crying.My eyes are so sore.I never imagined anything could be so painful.I am going to try to keep Sarah for a weekend soon ( my son's daughter) It helps when she is here. I get so frustrated because this whole situation was so avoidable.It didn't have to be this way.

[kathy714]

Dear Mattsdad and Brknhrtd,i am so sorry for the loss of both your children,my heart goes out to both of you.I usually read and post everyday,but it seems when i miss a few days i always return to find many new parents,in the same situation as me.Ito loss my son Nathan Jan 31,2005 on his 21st birthday.Nathan was the younger of our two sons,and he also had a troubled teenaged life,but had managed to get himself out of it and was working at a good job but still liked to "party" as he would put it.Nathan had gone to a bar the night before his birthday because a friend had invited him down,he left the bar with a stranger while the friend closed up and never returned, he was found in the morning lying next to a van.We still haven't seen the M.E. report,but they are saying Nathan passed from hypothemia r/t alcholol intoxication.Although a lot of things do not make sense about that night[it is to long to get into],i to have visons of what my son might of gone through in his last hours alone.I ask myself everyday,Was he afraid,or did he suffer.These are questions i will never know the answers to,but i just pray everyday that my son is in a better place and one day we will be together again. Thank God for this site,i come here everyday,and i always read something that helps me get through another day.PEACE TO YOU BOTH,i will say a pray fo you,Kathy,Natesmom

[purplelady]

For Judi and Jeff- My heart goes out to both of you so much, because I remember being two months, three months , whatever, early on and all I can remember now is that I had no idea what I was doing, I had been hospitalized twice, and I remember how I seemed as if I could not even stand up. I couldn't- I spent alot of time on the floor, just rolling around in pain. Thank you for allowing me to see your willingness- You carry hope, as we all do in our own ways. I have put together some long months now, and I am so grateful for this site- I am amazed at how many ADD/ bi-polar kids are surfacing here- Danny had ADD and was definately showing some signs of serious depression, but boy, never for long- Always functioned... Well, I will try to rest now, as I hope that you can too, Where in New Jersey is everybody from?? I was born there!! mamabets XO

Mamabets - I live in south jersey, about 10 minutes from Ocean City, New Jersey. I live in a small resort town, only 2 blocks from the beach or the bay in either direction. I, too, have done my share of rolling around in pain on the floor, begging God on my hands and knees, or just collapsing out of sheer exhaustion. This grief journey is not pretty. I have 6 other children who need me to be a mother to them, and I have to go on and try to survive this nightmare for the deep love I have in my heart for them. Of course, they are all grieving in 6 different ways, but we are very close to one another and we are able to talk about it a lot. Most times I paint a very pretty picture of myself, when in actuality I am dying inside ... however, faking it has become a big part of my life. I do grieve any way that I need and want to when they are not here, and that helps let some of the pressure out.

I also have ADHD, as well as 3 of my children ... I am a member of the organization called CHADD, and on the advice of another member, joined their online chat boards, much like this one. At first I was hesitant to talk about the loss of my son, for I thought, what did ADHD people have in common with that? But I was amazed to find out how many ADHDers also have lost family members and were hurting just like me. I also have received many posts from those who have not suffered a loss, but have simply reached out their hand and heart to me and gave me comfort and support.

I am not as strong as you think I am, but I AM holding on for dear life. I miss my Andrew so much and my heart is broken in a million pieces. I am trying the best I can ... and that is all anyone can do. My love and prayers to all of you who are suffering and beside yourself in grief. May God wrap some peace around all our hearts. In friendship, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[maskott]

Hi...I'm the wife of Mattsdad. He found the site and suggested I read the messages. The first time I looked at the messages was so hard I ended up sobbing hysterically. It just brought back the reality that Matthew is gone. Sometimes I just feel that he's gone away for awhile but he'll be back. It's hard for me to realize that this is forever. As Jeff said, he has guilt...We all have guilt for what we didn't do to help save him. My feeling at this time is that Matthew is the reason he's dead...he took the muscle relaxers. But I am to blame for him not being alive. If I had only done so many things differently Matthew would still be alive. How do you forgive yourself for not doing more to keep him alive. Tomorrow,October 7, 2005 is 2 months.

BettyAnn