Loss of an Adult Child

[julsmom]

BettyAnn please do not beat yourself up or feel guilty. This grief journey is so hard as it is, you don't need to add more to it. It will 2 yrs on 10/13 since my 27 y/o daughter died in a one car crash. You and your family will be in my prayers. May you all find peace Lynda

[purplelady]

Hi...I'm the wife of Mattsdad. He found the site and suggested I read the messages. The first time I looked at the messages was so hard I ended up sobbing hysterically. It just brought back the reality that Matthew is gone. Sometimes I just feel that he's gone away for awhile but he'll be back. It's hard for me to realize that this is forever. As Jeff said, he has guilt...We all have guilt for what we didn't do to help save him. My feeling at this time is that Matthew is the reason he's dead...he took the muscle relaxers. But I am to blame for him not being alive. If I had only done so many things differently Matthew would still be alive. How do you forgive yourself for not doing more to keep him alive. Tomorrow,October 7, 2005 is 2 months.

BettyAnn

BettyAnn, while I am very new here to the boards and to this grief journey, I have learned some very important things from all of those who have waked this road before us ... one of the most important ones is that you are not to blame. We can all look back - now that our child is gone - and say I could have done this, I should have done that. We say this with the hope that it would have made all things right, and that our child would still be here with us. But that is not true. We as parents raise our children with love and care and the best of our knowledge and ability. We do not live in a perfect world. There are forces out there that draw our children in, for whatever reason, and at some point in their lives, they are free to make their own decisions. They grow up. There comes a time in their lives when we are no longer their "Mommy" and "Daddy", but rather their "Mother" and "Father". We have to let them grow up, make their own decisions and their own mistakes. Yes, it is dreadful that only one mistake could end their lives, as it did with my son. There is no parent out there who has lost their child who is more devastated and heartbroken than me - but I have no regrets, for Andrew knew how much we all loved him and we were always there for him. You can not continue to beat yourself up over what you could have done or said differently to change the outcome of your grief, for there is no looking back. You loved you son, you were good parents, and it was his choice - and his alone - to go against everything you would have wanted for him and choose the path he did. Sure, I am deeply wounded that my son has died and I don't know how I even get from one day to the next. But I have one assurance that nothing I could have done would have prevented this tragedy. As I sit in this pit of grief, I am haunted by memories and drowning in my love and my loss for my precious son - that is more than enough pain for me to deal with. You do not have to add to your grief with self-blame. It may take however long it takes for you to realize this, for we all go through our journey in our own unique way that is right for us and different for everyone. I just wanted you to know that I understand your pain, and I hope that you will find some peace with your guilt. God bless us all and wrap His arms around all of our broken hearts. Much love and friendship, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[maskott]

Julsmom & Purplelady...thanks for the replies and concern. I try desperately not to blame myself. In my mind, I know what you've both said is true. In my heart, I can't stop blaming myself. I was his mother and I was supposed to protect him. However, each day I blame myself less. In time, I know that I will stop blaming myself and I will be able to accept the fact that Matthew's death was his own doing. Thank you for your replies..I know that reading these will get me through this ordeal.

Bettyann

[brknhrt]

I have always disliked the fall,everything dies,including my baby boy.Friday,October 7,Will mark the fifth year since John was killed.At first I was walking around in a fog.We had a funeral, where his friends and family expressed their profound loss.The next night we gathered at the beach and had a huge bonfire that burned well into the next morning.Several hundred attended both the service and the bonfire.I kept thinking, now can he come home?In the following weeks we took care of his final business.We helped his fiance clean up their apartment and ready it for her to start her new life without him.With the completion of each task I would think, now can he come home?When the reality of his death hit me over and over again I would collapse mentally and physically.Everyone ome would tell me that it would get better in time.It never would.After all a wonderful,kind and generous light had been snuffed out.Well Im here to let everyone know it doesnt get better, it just gets different.No one around me knows how I feel.Not because I hav'nt expressed myself,but because it is to painful for them to hear.I have learned to be a great actress and "put on a happy face",Like Purplelady I can fake it very well.When I hear an ambulance I think "some familys life has just been destroyed".As time passes I still think "now can he come home"when I know he never can.I feel we have been punished for every sin that we have committed,past present and future. Tomorrow we will head for the beach.Along with friends and family we will build a great sand castle for John and have another bonfire.This year there will be several children who were not even born when he was killed.In this way we will remember him and his joy at having a big party with friends and family.At 5:40 p.m. we will release a red balloon full of letters to him.When he and his older brother were young children "red balloon" was our safety code.This event keeps his memory alive.It is a bitter-sweet experience.When the day is done we will all return to our lives knowing that he can never return,but wishing he could.My advise to everyone is to live each moment in a way that your child would be proud of you.You will always mourn their death but remember you must celebrate their life at the same time.It is a very difficult balancing act.Peace to the souls of all who grieve. John Kyle,Jan.27,1977-Oct.7,2000

[mattsdad]

kirksdad,

Your son Kirk and my son Matthew sound as if they were cut from the same cloth. I know my wife and I lost a alot of sleep during the past few years.(she more than I).

We watched him spiral down and just when we thought he was pulling up---he crashed.

He would often act like he was doing fine with his meds, drinking, etc. But he was only fooling himself.My wife and I and our remaining son and daughter were thisclose to stepping in and forcing(?) him to straighten up. But just days before this happened and maybe 3 weeks before he died, he appeared to be getting better. He was trying to eat better. He suntanned himself and jumped in the pool more often. He began to excersize and wanted very badly to work out with me. But when it was his weight training day it was my aerobic day and vice-versa. (I could have changed days but I was being self-centered). Boy do I wish now I could have been there for him. Just should have given him a little more attention.

The other day I met a friend for the first time since Matthew died. He asked me,"How is it going?"

I said, "It sucks!" That summed it up quite nicely. So you are not alone in that sentiment.

Jeff

[magisee]

Hello. My name is Maggie. I lost a son in 2004.

I know that I am new here and will probably sound like a broken record replying to this message board and its man different posting areas.

But recently I read an emotionally charged, extremely comprehensive grief book that has helped me so much in dealing with my loss.

A friend of mine recommended an author friend she knew. Her name is Katlyn Stewart, and she gave me her web address- http://understandinggrief.katlynstewart.com I went to the site and clicked on the grief book she had listed there- Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief. It took me to a publishers site where I bought the E-Book.

Anyway, I am getting long winded.

This book by Katlyn Stewart has helped me to understand so much of what I was feeling as a mother. Both emotionally and physically.

The author leaves no stone unturned.

I am so thrilled with this book, I wanted to post here in regard to it (and I dont post to messageboards)

If you have a chance, and can...check out the website. Maybe buy the book and see for yourself.

I will close in saying...

Here is to our healing of a loss greater than any loss I will ever know.

Maggie

[Artina]

Brknhrt,

Please know that I am thinking about you as you approach October 7... I will pray for your family.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

BettyAnn,

I too felt guilty for a long time. My son was killed in a snowmobile accident- he collided into a tree and died on impact. I felt guilty because I should have never let him go- he was just ninteen and had only been on a snowmobile twice. I went through that stage for about a year, but have since then realized that if that day would have passed and he would have made it home okay... than I would of never thought another second about him snowmobiling that day. Hind sight is 20/20. It's all in the intention. However, I understand the stage you are at. It has almost been four years since my son crossed over and I don't feel that intense guilt anymore. It will slowly subside.

Peace to you, Tina

[brknhrt]

Thank you Maggie for your recommendation of Song of Cy:Understanding Grief by Katlyn Stewart.Another great book that I must recommend is... The Bereaved Parent by Schiff,Harriet Sarnoff.I read it and shared it with my bereavment group.Our collective opinion was that she was talking about each one of us individually.It is an easy read,especially when your mind and body is consumed with grief.Thank you for letting me share this information.

[maskott]

Tina, Thank you for your reply. Everyone tells me not to feel guilty and I know I shouldn't but you can't help but feel it. Thanks for letting me know that you too had felt guilty for some time and letting me know that it does go away. Thanks

BettyAnn

[mattsdad]

To brknhrt,

Am so sorry the grief is still so strong. Realise that all of us are praying for you as the 7th arrives. Find peace through your friends here....

Jeff

[jscmom]

Brknhrt: You are in my prayers, I wish you peace.

Lucette

[jscmom]

I have read all these posts about guilt. Monday will be 1 year since Johnny left this world.

I still feel guilty not as strong as when this nightmare began. As parents we are supposed to protect our children. I know now that Johnny was a young man he made the choice to get drink and get into that car. I am sure he did not think anything was going to happen to him.

I often say to my husband if I knew we would lose our son he would have been placed in a bubble.

May we find so hope and peace

[purplelady]

I have read all these posts about guilt. Monday will be 1 year since Johnny left this world.

I still feel guilty not as strong as when this nightmare began. As parents we are supposed to protect our children. I know now that Johnny was a young man he made the choice to get drink and get into that car. I am sure he did not think anything was going to happen to him.

I often say to my husband if I knew we would lose our son he would have been placed in a bubble.

May we find so hope and peace

JSCMOM - I know that it is so hard not to look back and wish that we would have done something different. From the moment Andrew died, I said, If I could go back to the last ten seconds of his life on this earth, I would have locked him in a room. Unfortunately, we can't do that. My son thought he was invinsible, and he lived his life to the fullest. Nothing scared him, and there was nothing he wouldn't do. Our tragedy will be out nightmare forever, but we will be able to live each day and survive ... not the same as we did before, but we will survive. I cannot wait until that day appears. Until then, we walk this dreadful journey together hand in hand. No one is alone in this, and we will share our pain and help each other to stand. Much love to all of you ... Judi, Andrew's Mom

[maskott]

This is a request...My husband(mattsdad) and I just found this site. Our son Matthew died August 7, 2005. We suggested our daughter to look through the site and found out that she actually wrote a post on losing a sibling. If anyone has a child who would be willing to read her post and reply to her, I would appreciate it. She was the one who found Matthew and had to deal with his passing (my husband & I were away) She needs to connect with others that have lost siblings. Her friends, as well meaning as they are, do not understand the guilt and loss that she feels. We will also be looking for a buddy for her but if anyone can help now-her username is Cursedlove114.

Thank you for the comfort that you provide for us.

BettyAnn

[Artina]

BettyAnn,

I will approach my son about posting to her. He is just 16, but this may be an opportunity to get him to talk to someone who has also lost their brother. I will talk to him about it this weekend. If he posts, it will be Sunday sometime. This could benefit both of them.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

JSCmom,

I just wanted to let you know that we will be thinking about you as you approach your son's angel date Monday. I remember our one year mark and how I couldn't believe that one year had passed- it felt like we were still at the same point that we were the day my son crossed over. Keep taking it easy on yourself and remember that there are alot of people who care about you and your family.

Peace to you, Tina

[ericasmom]

Hello to All,

and my heart to those of you who are recognizing an angel date today and in the days ahead. the build up to the dates are the most difficult for me, not as much the day itself. I think it has a lot to do with reminising, magical thinking our babies back with us, if only we would have done this or that to make it so that he wouldn't have gotten in the car at that exact moment, or on the snowmobile right then, or in our case, had I kept my daughter on the phone a bit longer, perhaps she would have been a moment before the train or after the train that hit her. We can not spend our lives doing this however, and so as time takes us across new territory, we learn that we are not to blame for the loss of our children, we are just injured and changed from it. Always changed, but yes, we do get to live life more fully again when we can celebrate the life we so miss, retain them as a constant in our daily life because we know they are secure in our hearts, and live as they would have us live. It is a short time here, ERi had only 19 years, but they were for the most part, happy ones. I think what allows me now to feel able and strong is the knowing, the deep knowing that Erica is fine and free. She is in everything lovely, I feel her in eacg day, and she sends me her peace. It has been 27 months since we last were together, and now I do not fear as I had early on in this journey that letting this ease some will not erase memories of Eri. I was so scared to let any of the pain go, to let any of the replay of events go, in fear that it would mean letting go of the memory of her soft skin, or her large hands, or her dreadlocks swinging as she ran. We won't forget though we will always wish we could hold those hands again, touch those cheeks...but they know and just as we have them tucked inside every cell of us, they have us in them.

Peace to You on this and everyday.

dee

[mamabets]

Dear Brknhrt- I pray for you today, knowing that these days are so awful- They begin to become "the day" that explain why all other days are so hard to make any sense of. I had an extremely hopeless day today- It was no different than any other, and for whatever reason, it hurt more and my eyes are burning from crying. I do know that all of our angels are together in a place far removed from this pain. I am thankful for that,especially when I struggle in search of what used to be those familiar, "grateful" thoughts. Danny's birthday is on Halloween- My little grandaughter and my Jackie moved away in June, so this will be a very quiet year, and maybe that is what I need- We'll see. Prayers are there with you- You are never brokenhearted alone... You are always, completely safe and understood right here. XO mamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ericasmom, I understand you. Jenni's birthday is one week from Sunday. The buildup to the day is torturous. I plan to spend her birthday with her half sister. Ali's a sweet girl, and so much like Jenni.

Take the way that will bring your heart peace and comfort. My thoughts are with you.

[kathy714]

Dear Brknhrt,you are in my thoughts today and in my prayers,Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

Dear Jscmom,i will be thinking of you on Monday and say a prayer for you and your family,i also understand,and also have experianced feelings of guilt when it comes to my own son's passing.Iwas the one who took Nathan to the bar the night of his birthday when his friend had called and offered to buy him a drink for his birthday.Normally i would of said no but earlier that day his puppy had fallen through the ice and they were unable to save him,so i felt bad that Nathan had such a bad day that maybe it would be good for him to get out,it was 11pm on a sunday nite so i fiqured how wild could it get,never thinking he would leave the bar or be by himself at any point.Iasked my husband if he blames me for what happened and he said no,because my intentions were for Nathan to be happy.Nathan also was the type that never went out ,his friends always came to our house,so that 's what kills me is the one time he went out ,look what happened !!I truely don't think we can change God's plans and we probaly shouldn't beat our self's up,but i guess i'll always wonder what if...Any way i hope all will be ok for you and my thoughts are with you..T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends,

Well, this has really taken off, from the front page of the Lowell Sun, to the Patriot Ledger news paper...now Fox news wants to interview me this afternoon....I now my kids are behind this, and they are really pushing me to get the word out about the dangers of Oxycontin, and heroin.

I do get a real sense of satisfaction from doing this, maybe their deaths wont be all for nothing...if I ,rather we, can keep others from going down this awfull road that we are on....just maybe...

Peace to all of you

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[mamabets]

For Stu- Know that you are, without question, representing a strength for so many of us, that we just can't seem to find yet. I know I can't. Not only for this drug issue, for while it is so HUGE, it is the fact that you are doing this,in spite of your agony. Yesterday, I could barely stand up. You do it anyway, and for that I am honored to know you. Carry my hope with you, please, for you are my Danny's hero here today. XO mamabets

[Artina]

Stu,

That is wonderful news! Your efforts are paying off in more ways than one and it WILL save another person from losing their life. In honor of Mathew and Carrie; we applaud and thank you.

Keep us updated!

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

AlwaysmyJennifer,

Please know that we will be thinking about you this week as you approach Jennifer's Birthday next Sunday. I think spending it with Ali, is a great idea.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Mamabets,

Please know that I send my prayers to you to blanket you in love and to ease your pain.

Peace be with you, Tina

[Artina]

Ericasmom,

I agree with you whole heartedly. We do carry them in every cell of our bodies and some days I can feel my son's love and presence, as I am sure you feel Eri's.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Briansdad (Greg),

Thank you for the card... I just received it today and it really was a pleasant surprise. I know that September 30, marks to very different events for us; a birthday and a angel day. However different, one thing rings true- that day is not forgotten and neither are our children.

P.S., I thought the card was from my brother in law, because he too is a pilot. He's a good guy too. Thank you.

Peace to you, Tina

[mamabets]

For Artina- Thank you so much for your kind words- They certainly do help. Today is a bit better, and tomorrow will try to be even better still. It is the pattern. I can only do this thing called life as it now is for awhile,then, it seems so unfamiliar without Danny here- I then am lost for a few days, only to catch myself as I start to rally again. Someone always shows up in an unexpected way and by them taking the time to make a difference, I can hope to do the same myself. To try and help people cope is what this life of mine is all about now, while I try and do it myself.There is this steady battle within every part of who I am- An ongoing war and peace, peace and war.Where is the joy?? Will I ever be able to participate in life again? Thanks again and peace to you too. xo mamabets

[Artina]

Mamabets,

Oh yes you will be able to enjoy life again. No one can say when that time will come, but it will. I enjoy life- side by side with my grief. It is not the joy that I had before. However, I welcome every ounce of it as if its my lifeline to life itself. Remember, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day- just as you are doing.

Peace to you, Tina

[mamabets]

For Artina- XO from mamabets

[ericasmom]

Dear Tina,

thanks so much for your response and to everyone here. I find it an awesome place of sharing and support. Mamabets, Tina is correct, life will hold joy again, and it will be experienced side by side with your grief. Ilike this analogy as it is true. Side by side, one moment at a time. The up and down of it all is normal, the guilt too is normal, everyone's new normal will include deep lows and for those new to this, as shock that you didn't even know was still there protecting you, as it wares off, there could be days that find youlower than ever. Please do not give up but do give in to it as far as letting yourself feel it, don't try to go around it, it does not work. In order to live in the light of our children we need to allow the dark first. It is a process, one that has no shortcuts, but it does get lighter, and it does feel less heavy in time.

Again, nobody can tell you when, you will feel it change though, and you will know that you have worked hard to get to that point. Grief is work, it can exhaust you, zap you of energy, so make sure you eat well, try to rest, get exercise. Take special care of you, your little ones need you to. Need us to go on and carry the torch for them, and live in the light of them. Speaking of this, How cool Stu, to speak to others about oxycotin. I am sure it is indeed your kids sending you forth into the world doing good for others in their honor.They must be beaming from your work.

Peace All

dee

[daveydow1]

Kathy714 and Maskott,

I so much relate to your posts about the feelings of

guilt. I am nearly 2 and a half years on this journey,

and find that the guilt is not as acute as in the early

months, but I still have the feelings now & then. AS Tina

said----we could not prevent what happened to our children.

They were adults, and made their own decisions. Sometimes,

I think "if I had only been home that fateful Sat. a.m.,

I would have talked to Davey and possibly would have delayed

his leaving". I have no way of knowing this, of course. I

guess each one of us has our time to go. I pray for you and

wish only peace for your hearts and for everyone on this site.

[daveydow1]

Stu,

Your strength and dedication for speaking out about

the dangers of drugs is admirable. I wish you the

best in your work, and honoring Carrie and Matthew.

Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

My heart goes out to you for the difficult and bittersweet

occaision of Jennifer's approaching birthday. My thoughts

and prayers are with you.

[daveydow1]

Jcsmom,

As your angel day approaches, you are in my thoughts and

prayers. May you somehow find some small measure of

peace and tranquility on that day.

[mamabets]

For dee- Thank you for your encouragement. I constantly feel as if I have taken 2 welcomed steps forward, and then I stumble as I fall ten steps back. How long have you been on this journey and when this raw wound starts to heal, are the peaceful days much a part of the norm, with good memories, as opposed to these cruel days sneaking up from behind? I am doing a great job in accepting this and honoring Danny's memory the best way possible. I talk about him all the time.I have always been one that communicates well and feels deeply. It has been my greatest asset for all of my life, and it isnow the part that i wish would go away. NOT feeling this would be gentler, I have to believe... I am just being honest. I wish that I could just shut down completely, emotionally, so I could then just go through the motions. I have had enough pain to last me 25 lifetimes, as all of us have had. XO mamabets

[aprilsmom]

Dear mamabets- I so understand the 2 steps forward, ten steps back. Like your son, April was born in 1978 and left us in 2004, a huge truck hit her directly in her door and she passed away probably on impact. One of the 1st people who talked to me about grief told me to remember, and I keep going back to it: "Renee, grief isn't linear, do not think for a minute that you are going to go straight through it and come out the other side". He had lost two people in a year so I trusted him and he was right. Yesterday I was mad, today I'm back to not believing this has even happened, tomorrow I might feel okay, Monday I'll cry my eyes out. It changes from minute to minute. The angel date is rapidly approaching as well as April's wedding anniversary (11/11 and 11/17). MY other kids want to leave town as a family. I want to go to the site where April's spirit left us! I was short with my son-in-law the other night too. I heard he is seeing someone that tried to come between he and my daughter shortly after they got married. I called him crying: "Bobby, do you miss her"? It was pretty mean of me, I love him, why did I do that? When he said ,"of course" I told him I just had to hear HIM say it, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW RUDE I WAS! He responded, "EVERYDAY RENEE, EVERYDAY"! While I'm rambling I wanted to say something to all the dear people here who mentioned feeling guilty. YOU HAD NO PART IN YOUR CHILD'S DEATH. satan would love to have you believe that....don't! I saw April 11 mins. before the 911 call went in and when I was told when the accident occurred I almost flipped out, thinking, oh NO, if she wouldn't have stopped to talk to me, she would have been through that intersection safely. Call me crazy, but I feel in my spirit that I was meant to see April and talk to her and this accident was going to happen - period!! I hadn't seen her in a week and we work on complete opposite sides of the city. I remember looking down the street and not seeing any other cars and then April's truck just APPEARED out of nowhere and I remember thinking, that's wierd, there's Apes. In fact I said to her, "Hey Apes what are you doing in this neighborhood?" She said, "oh, I'm going by the houses to do a favor for Lacey" (they both worked in the office of a construction firm). I remember thinking, gosh, she looks happy to be going to work, some people never feel that. I HATE THIS.....................

[ericasmom]

Mamabets,

it has been 27 months tonight that I received the call teling me that my daughter was in an accident. WE live in Chicagoland area adn my girl was living in Kalamazoo with my son JOn. the drive seemed forever, I knew she was going to die, just knew. I did not know that a train going 45 mph hit her car at an intersection without a crossarm and a broken light, I didn't know bu tI did know she would die. She died 5 days later, gave everyone she loved time to get there, over 60 opeopl a day stayed in the Trauma ER and I walked them all down to say goodbye. In all about 150 people. She was a gatherer of people, a lover of her friends, caring for all. Over 300 calls went through the operator at he hospital one of the days we were there, all of them asking about the girl that was hit. She and I talked about 30 minutes before she was struck. I am eternally grateful for this as we laughed together and I remember hanging up feeling so glad that ERi was happy. She died a happy young lady. She was 19. I will always have a daughter, she is Erica Eileen.

Peace,

dee

[jscmom]

Hi friends, thank you for all your prayers and posts they are much appreicated.

Today is the 1 year since we removed his life support. Monday will be the 1 year since I saw my son, talked to him, held him in my arms, lay in his bed, told him how much I loved him and was going to miss him, that I was going to be ok, and it was ok to go to God. He died at 2:27 pm. central time. It took 27 and 1/2 hours.

Well I lied it wasn't ok, and I am not ok. He died and so did I. I only exist for my husband my daughter her girls and my neice.

Ups and downs that is so true, yet mostly downs for me.

I do try so hard each day to find some kind of peace and a small bit of happiness man it is so flippen hard.

How do we do this, live without our children? Ok it's been a year a life time that happened today.

I do not mean to feel sorry for myself but I can't shake it. Monday, honoring him on the day he died is a oxymoran. Remembering him... he will never be forgotten another oxymoran.

ONE YEAR MY GOD WHY DID YOU TAKE MY BABY? I hate reading yet I have been reading so many books to find some kind of reason why? What was the purpose of taking Johnny.

Yes he had a choice and he made a bad choice of getting into the car but God did not have to take him. And why did God make me make the decesion on removing his life support.

Why so long in that coma 13 days. If God wanted him why did he wait so long? As the doctors would not listen to us as we begged them to let our son go after 4 days. His brain pressure was 72, I think normal is under 20. 98% chance of dying 2% chance of surving in a total vegetatied state, do the math, damn the doctors!!!!!!!

No this was a learning trauma hospital, they let him get so infected and that is when they permitted us to remove his life support. 3 out of the 4 infections were caused from the hospital. We wanted our son to be a donor but because of ignorant ans arrogant doctors he was not able to save anyone else.

How much could he have learned in 22 years that made him an old soul?

Some one here wrote awhile back, something to the effect yes God took our children but he forgot to tell us how to live with it. I find this so true.

Stu, you are a wonderful man, your children are smiling down at you!!! You are going to save so many families from going through this intense pain. God has given you your purpose something a lot of us can't find.

Love to all of you, thank you for letting me share. You all have been so understanding and kind.

Johnny's mom Lucette

John S. Correia-Hartsell memory of.com

[jscmom]

Ericas mom I am sorry, To all of us I am so so sorry.

[griffinsmom]

Everyone-

I am sorry, too. Sorry there are so many "new" people here, sorry I have been lurking and not posting- I just am having some bad days. I never knew how many tears I have, you'd think I'd shrivel up and disintegrate...oh, thats my heart.

OK-catch you all later when I ever get into a better frame of mind. Peace to all of us.

[enufalreddy]

Griffinsmom...you're not alone. I sit here reading the posts and then am unable to type a message because I can't stop the tears.I feel so often that I am grieving Walter all by myself. My girls don't really talk to me about it. My husband and Walt never hit it off and so there is no common grieving between Jack and myself. And he doesn't want to be bothered with my inability to cope.Doesn't like crying or a lot of emotion. So I come here and know that I'm not alone. You're not grienving my son but you're grieving the loss of your child which is where I'm at. It's so hard not to be able to share this with my spouse.The buckets of tears I cry are mostly done in private.So hard to do when I want to scream from the pain in my heart. It's been since April 19 of this year. I want so badly to talk to him. I thank God that the last words I said to him the last time we talked were I love you. Sometimes I think I hear his voice and I just die for a minute remembering it's not possible.But I hang onto that...and that I know his voice. So...for once I managed to get through typing a post. My prayers are with us all whether I can manage a posting or not.

[ericasmom]

Dear Lucette,

I am so sorry for the ache and pure pain adn agony you are feeling, you are living. I know it well, as do all of us who have gone through that 1st year marker of time. I fell apart right after the 1st year, did not know what or how to act and live, asked Eri for help with it, listend and watched for signs. I do feel she helps me get up each day ad encourages me into the sunlight. I do feel stronger now than i did and so please hang onto that notion. You will feel stronger, better, like the load is less heavy one day. NOt today, perhaps not for a while, but Johnny will help you see that what you carry will be lighter as it will be more about his life than his death. God didn't do it I don't think, life happens and in it sometimes are incredible sadnesses. I too had to give the word about taking my girl off of life support, I told her it was ok to leave the earth and travel freely, to go to a place where her brokeneness did not keep her down. How do we recover? By knowing we helped set our babies free and we did it out of love. You are a great Mom, and your son loves you. You will always be his mom.

peace,

dee

[mamabets]

For Jscmom- I am getting ready to come up on Danny's birthday- Halloween. I have been so enpty, so lost. It all seems so unfamiliar and I am not seeing what they mean when they say that grief is exhausting. It drains everything out of you, and I mean everything. Are we better this time this year than we were this time last? I don't think so, because somehow the shock protected us from what was really going- The end with our kids- Never, ever coming home. But, I do believe people when they say that we will be able to enjoy life again. I long for that day, but I have also been told by the grief professionals that you can not rush this process. I have no idea what it will take or how I am to help it along in a spiritual way. I know that he is a spiritual and peaceful now- I am clear with that. What are we supposed to do here?? I am with you... xomamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mamabets, the numbness of the first year was like an aspirin, to soften the pain of these dates. Now, the reality of your loss is upon you, and these dates are painful, because they are supposed to still be special days. Our children aren't with us, but the birthdays and angel days are with us. My thoughts will be with you, and prayers for you, that peace and comfort may fill your heart.

[Artina]

Mamabets,

Oh how I wish I could tell you something that would ease your pain. However, there is no remedy. Stay as healthy as you can and be sure to keep talking. I know I say this all the time, but eating, drinking fluids, and sleeping helps keep the mind as healthy as it can be under the circumstances. This just "helps", but all the "little steps of help" make a difference that you can't see until you look back over a couple of years.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Stu,i think that it is great that all these opportunities for you to speak about the danger of oxycotin and heroin are coming your way and i to believe your children and god are guiding you through all this.Ilost my sister in law in 2001 because of oxycotin,so this means a lot to me.It would be nice to see your talk on cox,please keep us informed,and please keep up the great work.Iknow there are so many things i would like to investagate about Nathans last hours on this earth,but i just don't know where to start.Like where were the police that night aren't they suppose to patrol bank parking lots,how did my son lay there for 8 hours and not be seen???Someday i will find answers,but for now you keep doing the great work that you are doing and save some one's parent from going through this...T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[mamabets]

For Everyone- I woke up this morning with this terrible knot in my stomach that just won't go away. I leave on Thursday morning to go spend the weekend in Florida with my family. My niece is getting married- I get to see everyone, Jackie and Julia are both going to be in it- But, my little 8 year old dog is now blind and I hate leaving her. She cries if I go to get the mail and I hope that I do OK leaving her. My husband will stay with her, but I am just very nervous about leaving home. It will be such a happy occassion, and this niece is so dear- She was born 2 weeks after my Danny was and we find out the day before I leave if my other niece her sister, is having a girl baby or a boy baby. There is reason for a big celebration, but I feel as if I am shutting down. Wanting to isolate-HELP!! XO mamabets