Loss of an Adult Child

[Artina]

Mamabets,

I too have journaled from the beginning of my son's departure from Earth. I too address him in my journal's. I believe that it is the best way for me to experience a relationship with my son until we can be together again. It is also a way for me to log memories as they come into my mind. But best of all, I believe that it is very healthy for me.

Peace to you, Tina

[briansdad]

Tina, How ironic, the light of your life came to you Sept. 30 and the light of mine was extinguished that same date. I hope we both can make it.

[kathy714]

Dear Daveydow,i will be thinking of you these days ahead as your son's birthday arrives and i wiil say a pray for you.This must be a differcult time of year for you.T/C Kathy Nate's mom.

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,that sounds like a good idea to keep a journal to communicate with our loved ones and write down memories,and just to look back to see what we were thinking at different times on this journey.Sometimes things are a blur to me now because my mind is full with thoughts of Nathan,i feel like now i go through life in a daze.Thank you for the idea,I wish i could help you with ideas about motivation,but i am also having trouble getting motivated,walking my dog helps me feel better and sometimes working out at the gym,although i really have to push myself to do anything these days..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[donosmom]

I have been reading a new book that I have found to be very good. It is called Beyond Tears, it is written by 9 bereaved moms. I ordered it from Amazon.com.

Matthews Mom Mary

[rhonda68]

Dear Daveydow 1 and Briansdad I am thinking of you as your childrens birthdays approach. I too will have to face my sons birthday on October 9 he would have been 20. Since he was born we celebrated our birthdays together as mine is the 12th of October. We also had alot of extended family members around as it is thanksgiving weekend in Canada as well. Even when he was born my mom brought cake to the hospital for our birthdays. I dont know how I will make it in this world without him. I feel as though I am going nuts. My love and prayers are with you.

Rhonda

[purplelady]

Dear Daveydow 1 and Briansdad I am thinking of you as your childrens birthdays approach. I too will have to face my sons birthday on October 9 he would have been 20. Since he was born we celebrated our birthdays together as mine is the 12th of October. We also had alot of extended family members around as it is thanksgiving weekend in Canada as well. Even when he was born my mom brought cake to the hospital for our birthdays. I dont know how I will make it in this world without him. I feel as though I am going nuts. My love and prayers are with you.

Rhonda

This is my first time to the message boards. I lost my sweet son Andrew 8 short weeks ago, and had to endure even more heartache and pain only one month after his death, for it was his 21st birthday - this was grief upon grief with a cherry on top. I survived the day, but I must say that I am not coping well. Everyday it seems like the pain worsens, and I wonder if I truly will survive this. I guess I am doing the best I can under the circumstances, but from where I sit, that is none too good. It helps to share with those who truly understand the deep pain of losing your flesh, your child.

[missingchris]

purplelady

So sorry to hear you lost your Andrew. This is the worst experience we as parents will ever have to live through. You're very early in this, coping skills will come. Slowly. The first months you learn to live minute by minute. Don't push yourself, don't let anyone else do so. The people here at BI will help you all they can. As you are able, read back through the previous posts, and somewhere through it you will find the advice you need, or just the validation that what you are feeling doesn't make you crazy. Post when you can, read when you can't.

Chris's Mom

[rhonda68]

Dear Purplelady I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am still having a really hard time coping and its been nearly 7 months. I phoned into a help line today. What I learned is don't listen to other people take the time you need to grieve,if you dont feel like doing something then dont. Just do the things that are helpful to you right now. Dont listen to peoples stupid remarks, how would they know anyway. I will be thinking of you and big hugs to you I know the raw pain its awful.

Rhonda

[purplelady]

purplelady

So sorry to hear you lost your Andrew. This is the worst experience we as parents will ever have to live through. You're very early in this, coping skills will come. Slowly. The first months you learn to live minute by minute. Don't push yourself, don't let anyone else do so. The people here at BI will help you all they can. As you are able, read back through the previous posts, and somewhere through it you will find the advice you need, or just the validation that what you are feeling doesn't make you crazy. Post when you can, read when you can't.

Chris's Mom[/quote

I am sure that I am doing the best I can - I don't have anything else left in me to do more. I still have 6 other children who's lives still have value. I am trying so hard to cope, but the tears just flow non-stop and I just wish I had a way to stop them sometimes - like when I'm at the gas station, the pharmacy, etc. It just comes with such force that it cannot be controlled, so I am trying to hone my crying skills. I have never cried so much in my life. Anyway, I will take your advice and continue reading and posting. Thank you for being there for me in my darkest time - it really helps to connect with those like you who have the unfortunate experience of losing a child.

Wishing you peace,

Judi

[daveydow1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Thank you for your kind words. I will be thinking of you

as your dear daughter Jennifer's birthday approaches in

Oct. What a sorrow it is when the day nears. The day is

here, but our dear children are not with us. With the help

of all those who come to this site, we can try to get through

each day with a little more hope. Peace be with you.

[purplelady]

Dear Purplelady I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I am still having a really hard time coping and its been nearly 7 months. I phoned into a help line today. What I learned is don't listen to other people take the time you need to grieve,if you dont feel like doing something then dont. Just do the things that are helpful to you right now. Dont listen to peoples stupid remarks, how would they know anyway. I will be thinking of you and big hugs to you I know the raw pain its awful.

Rhonda

Thank you, Rhonda, for your kind words of support and comfort. I am so sorry for your loss as well, and you are not too much farther along in this journey as I am. As my daughter Bethanie would say, "This is the WORST!" I did not know that there was a help-line. Could you tell me more about it? I am not able to do too much, I walk around the house all day with the best intentions but never seem to get anything done. I am useless. I just try to go with it, and although it hurts so bad, all I want to do is drench myself in my Andrew's memory - that is all I have left of him now: his memory and all the love I have in my heart for him. I know I will have to go on and find a new normal, but I don't want to. I have no desire to find joy in anything anymore. I am scared and forgetful and confused. I hear that this is all normal, but sometimes don't you feel like you are going to lose your mind, or that your heart is just going to explode from all the pain inside? I am still trying to understand why, but I guess there are no answers for that question.

Sending hugs your way,

Judi, Andrew's Mom

[daveydow1]

Artina,

Thanks for your kind post. I will probably go to

Davey's grave and take a balloon with messages

and let it go up into the sky. My thoughts and

prayers will be with you also, as your son, Chris'

birthday September 30 comes up. It is such a comfort

to have this site to come to for help and inspiration,

and hopefully to help someone else who comes here.

Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Purplelady,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't know what

to say or how to put into words, but each of us here

knows the pain you are in. As Missingchris said; it

is so soon--only 2 months. The grief seems to overcome

our ability to cope in these early days for you. I hope

that you will post here whenever you feel up to it. My

prayers are with you. Peace be yours.

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Prayers,

and I wish you peace.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

Your words are so kind. I will pray for you as your

son's birthday is coming up. This site is so helpful.

People who are heartbroken themselves, reach out to

others and try to help. This means so much more than

words from the general population. I believe this.

Peace be with you, Rhonda.

[kathy714]

Dear Purplelady,i am so sorry for the lost of your son,i to lost my son Nathan 7 monthes ago Jan 31 on his 21st birthday.I hope you find the comfort and support to help you through this differcult time.I can so relate to how you feel ,Nathan is all i think about 24/7 ,my heart and soul is broken.This is a wonderful site,the people here understand how you feel because we all are on the same journey.i will say a prayer for you T/C Kathy,Nates,mom

[purplelady]

Dear Kathy, thank you for your words of kindness and support. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Nathan. How devastating to lose your son on his birthday, as if losing him wasn't tragic enough. Although it is wonderful to be able to share with others like you who have also lost a child, do you really truly ever find comfort from the loss? I am not sure about that - from my perspective, there is no comfort in the death of my son. However, I can say that without sharing some of the pain with others like you, I would be out of my mind. At least I know there are others who truly understand my pain, unlike some friends and family who just don't have a clue. Some of them, I think, are just so happy that it didn't happen to their family. Anyway, I am glad I joined this site and am looking forward to making many new friends here through my journey of devastation. Thanks for the prayers, and know that you will be in mine, also. God bless you. Judi, Andrew's Mom

Dear Purplelady,i am so sorry for the lost of your son,i to lost my son Nathan 7 monthes ago Jan 31 on his 21st birthday.I hope you find the comfort and support to help you through this differcult time.I can so relate to how you feel ,Nathan is all i think about 24/7 ,my heart and soul is broken.This is a wonderful site,the people here understand how you feel because we all are on the same journey.i will say a prayer for you T/C Kathy,Nates,mom

[mamabets]

Dear Purplelady- I welcome you to this part of my journey, for I too have lost a child. My son Danny passed away in June of 2004, and while I think that I am coping well, I just rallied from a 5 day depression- I go with my feelings, try to feel them all because hiding them only makes them surface worse than before. We are all here for you, so please come to us for help. We ALL know exactly how you feel and we are ALL trying to brighten our days somehow. God Bless you and please, tell us all about your Andrew- mamabets XO

[Artina]

Purplelady,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Andrew. Beyond Indigo has a great support group- parent's who understand what you are going through, because they too have lost a child. You will find that each of us have our own unique ways to cope, deal, and support each other and that's what makes this group so supportive. So, please throw out what doesn't work for you and keep what does work- we understand.

I lost my son Chris on January 4, 2002, and have been part of Beyond Indigo for the last three years. My son was 19, when he had a tragic snowmobile accident that killed him instantly. I miss him so much. I hurt... but after three years and 9 months, I am able to dream, set small goals, create and find laughter, and I have found some hope. I have learned to LIVE life with my PAIN-That's a tool that I have created. I have one living son who is 16- he was 12 when Chris crossed over. We talk about Chris often and we believe that we will see him again, once we shed our physical bodies.

Peace to you, Tina

Christopher Anthony Wentworth

September 30, 1982 to January 4, 2002

"Energy Never Dies"

[mamabets]

For Artina- I get such hope from hearing stories like yours. Hope- It is all about learning how to LIVE with this pain and through this pain. Any and all advice is helpful- In time, this must get easier- My Danny passed in June of 2004- Just over a year ago- I wonder if I will ever accept it- Out of nowhere I get slammed with this hurt that I do not know what to do with except wait for it to pass. I just came out of a 5 day depression, unable to function- A steady rollercoaster of emotions-This time it was anger- xo mamabets

[purplelady]

TO MAMABETS AND ARTINA - Thank you both for sending your support and offering some comfort and help. Let me first say that I am sorry for the losses of your sons, Danny and Chris. My heart aches for you both, for I truly understand and can relate to your pain, even after a year. I know that I will not get over my son's death for as long as I live. Maybe I will learn to cope with it better than I am now, and as you said, you learn to fit it into your life along with the other things, but it will constantly haunt me the rest of my days. I see no way around the grief except to go through it, and I can only hope that in time I will find some measure of peace, although I am not sure how.

Andrew was a sweetheart, the best - he and I were so close. He lived on his own, but he was a constant in my life, always stopping in, helping me out, coming for dinner. He did not deserve to die the way he did, and yet he never got a second chance to make it right. I do not understand all the "why's", and maybe I never will. I just hope that through this board and the caring, compassionate people like you who have experienced this tragedy first hand, will somehow be able to find a place of peace. I can't thank you enough for your help and support. I am looking forward to getting to know both of you and your sweet boys. Much love and friendship, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[mamabets]

Dear Purplelady- Eight short weeks ago for you, my dear. I remember it like it was yesterday, although it seems like many lifetimes have passed since my Danny called me on the phone to tell me that he loved me. Look for the signs from Andrew, because they are there and they do try to tell us that they are in a forever state of peace. I do know, if nothing else, that my Danny will never know this pain or anything even close to it. That helps sometimes, for sure. Keep writing- It is the best therapy-How did your son pass? mamabetsXO

[mamabets]

For DaveyDow1- All I can promise you, is that I share with you this part of your journey and I pray that through each other, this common bond will somehow be able to show us the way- A social worker told me once that on the list of stressors, losing a child tops it as being next to impossible to deal with. I am with you and when special dates come up, we plan parties- It is the only way to survive those days- Danny was a Halloween baby and every Halloween, I would sit outside and have trick or treaters call him to sing Happy Birthday- He thought that was so cool- Last year, after his passing, we gave every little one a balloon to set free with a wish and before we knew it, the sky was decorated with slow moving balloons- We bought red, yellow and blue- Danny loved Superman- Any time we see something in those colors, we feel him near. However, is this not just the worst??? My 50th is on October 18- I pray that it passes like all other birthdays- Danny used to call and say "Happy Birthday, Mom- I have your card and I promise that I will send it out as soon as I get a stamp!!" I would laugh so hard and he would say "Well, you will still be celebrating when you get it, right" Funny kid, a funny, funny kid- xomamabets

[donosmom]

Purplelady you reminded me of an incident with my sister, she lives maybe 5 miles from me and about 1 1/2 years after Matthew died she called me to tell me she was sorry that she hadn't been there more for me but it was too hard for her! I tried so hard to be understanding of where she was coming from, but the bitterness remains. Family has been the hardest for me to deal with.

We are preparing for our youngest son's wedding Oct 1, as the day draws nearer I feel the pain of Matthews not being here so sharply once again. No one understands the term bittersweet better that those of us walking this journey. I miss Matthew with every fiber of my being.

Matthews Mom Mary

11/3/79 m-m 7/13/03

[Artina]

Mamabets,

It does get better... I can't tell you how or when, but it does get better.

We have talked about anger before on this site. The ride has mellowed out a lot for me, but I did have quite a crazy one in the first couple of years. Most of us agree that anger is an emotion that is much easier to "do" than hurt and thus we find ourselves in a constant state of anger. It's almost like; when we feel angry we don't feel our pain as much. Thus, we choose anger to avoid our hurt. We have to be very careful that we don't choose that emotion over our pain and ultimately push those around us away. Talking and writing are two ways to get that anger out of us in a healthy manner. I know this is hard to do and to hear, but it is an effort that pays off in time.

Just a thought.

Peace to you, Tina

[julsmom]

to purplelady - I am sorry for your loss. My 27 y/o daughter Julie died 10/13/03 in a one car crash. We are coming up to the 2 yr mark.

Artina has said it well. It does get better, slowly. There are no turning points, just a realization that I can laugh, I can function, I can hope again. That doesn't mean that I don't feel that vast void from Julie not being here with me. I have some very "overwhelming" days as I call them, but I know they will pass. May we all find the peace we seek. Lynda

[purplelady]

Dear Purplelady- Eight short weeks ago for you, my dear. I remember it like it was yesterday, although it seems like many lifetimes have passed since my Danny called me on the phone to tell me that he loved me. Look for the signs from Andrew, because they are there and they do try to tell us that they are in a forever state of peace. I do know, if nothing else, that my Danny will never know this pain or anything even close to it. That helps sometimes, for sure. Keep writing- It is the best therapy-How did your son pass? mamabetsXO

Dear Mamabets - yes, it has only been 8 weeks and I think the pain only has deepened. I look for signs everyday from Andrew, and I also pray everynight that I will have an "Andrew" dream. I want to see his face again, not just in pictures. My son recorded Andrew's voice mail message from his cell phone, and I listen to that sometimes when it gets really bad. Yes, it is a comfort to know that Andrew will never experience pain ever again, and I am glad for that - obviously he was living a pained life or he never would have resorted to self-medicate himself with drugs and die from an overdose. That is just so hard for me to accept, because Andrew was too smart to do something as dumb as that. He wasn't a drug addict, he just occasionally took something to keep him going, and I am sure how or why it happened. The "why's" are never-ending. Thanks for your kind words, I appreciate the time you take to write me and help me through this awful time. Judi, Andrew's Mom

[purplelady]

Purplelady you reminded me of an incident with my sister, she lives maybe 5 miles from me and about 1 1/2 years after Matthew died she called me to tell me she was sorry that she hadn't been there more for me but it was too hard for her! I tried so hard to be understanding of where she was coming from, but the bitterness remains. Family has been the hardest for me to deal with.

We are preparing for our youngest son's wedding Oct 1, as the day draws nearer I feel the pain of Matthews not being here so sharply once again. No one understands the term bittersweet better that those of us walking this journey. I miss Matthew with every fiber of my being.

Matthews Mom Mary

11/3/79 m-m 7/13/03

Mary, I know what you mean about family. My sister didn't even call me until almost 2 weeks after my son died. Then all she wanted to ask is if we heard about what the toxocology report said: what was it that he took, what did they find out? I said it doesn't matter - all that matters is that my son is dead. I just buried my son, and all she has to say is that - I was so angry, and I have not talked to her since then. I cannot be connected to anyone right now who is not sensitive or accommodating to my pain. Yes, family can be more of an issue than outsiders. I have had more compassion from those who are strangers to me than some in my own family, blood relatives to my dead son. How can that be? I truly don't understand at all, but I am just doing what I have to do for myself and my kids and my husband, and I will give no thought to the rest of them.

Congratulations on your son's wedding. I am sure it must be so hard for you to plan such an exciting time in your life without your Matthew being there. How long ago did he pass? My daughter gave birth 7 weeks after her brother died, and it was so hard for me to muster up the joy that my daughter deserved for her new son. I tried to be there for her, and I was in the beginning, but now it is so hard to keep up the follow-through. That is what I am finding with everything. I barely have enough energy to force myself to go to work and clean my house.

I understand your bittersweet feelings, and I can also relate. I just try always to keep breathing, in and out, one moment at a time. It is exhausting work and I am drained. Well, I must try and get some rest for I do not get much sleep at night. Take care of yourself and I hope to talk with you again soon.

Wishing you peace,

Judi, Andrew's Mom

[mamabets]

Dear Purplelady- As my Jackie puts it about our Danny's use of drugs- "Mom, he was always dabbling in something" And, he was- She worried about him like we all did- But, you know what? I do get comfort knowing that he is no longer struggling with being an addict, or not, or wondering if he is ,or wondering if he wonders that he is, or not- There was a trace amount of cocaine in his system, an empty pill bottle in his vehicle- I hope he didn't suffer for long as he entered this peaceful place where he is at now- If the drugs helped him as he departed, then so be it!! That might sound foolish, but he is gone now and whatever it took to help him get to his Heaven, at that moment, then it is all OK- He loved God and had a faith unlike anything that I had ever seen in such a young person- Bless your heart, I am thinking of you-You are one of our young ones- 8 weeks seems like a "yesterday", pat yourself on the back for reaching out so soon- Good girl and feel my hugs from North Carolina....xo mamabets

[mamabets]

Hi Tina and thank you for your advice- I know exactly what you mean- My husband has been so supportive and when I feel the need to shut down , he gets it. He was Danny's pal- His father was a tremendous source of pain for Danny- So, my hub really listens, I think, to what Danny would want- Long term anger at life will get me nowhere- I just wish that I could settle at night- How long has this been for you, Tina?? We all hang on and wait for the time when SOME of this pain is redirected into an area of peace... Anything, for some organized peace...I know that Danny would want that, but it creeps up and owns me so much of the time- Bless you and thanks alot!! xomamabets

[Artina]

Mamabets,

It has been almost four years- Jan 4. I have stopped feeling the anger that I felt after about a year and a half. I don't think that time is what changed by emotional escape- it was my actions. I decided to identify my behavior and to take action on it. Whenever I felt angry I told myself that I owed it to my grief, my family, and myself to stop, breathe, walk, journal, and talk. I mapped out the steps it would take to change my behavior and slowly- very slowly- created a new way to deal with my grief. I have found myself almost four years down the road feeling much, much better about my life. I don't know that it was the "right" way, but it worked for me. My family is in tact and my Spirit is alive. It takes time and it takes effort.

Peace to you, Tina

[robertsmom]

DavyDow

My thoughts and prayers are with you as Davids 34th birthday approaches.

I've not been posting, but read daily.

May Peace be with you especially during these difficult days ahead.

Robertsmom

[chumba]

Anger is life draining or life giving. Anger and self-esteem affect life giving qualities. The inability or unwillingness to deal with anger results in bad relationships or worsens broken, hurting, lifeless people (Me at the moment) Dealing with anger is to learn to forgive. Self-esteem is fundamental to deal with anger and forgive.

Anger does not have to destroy or debilitrate.

The key to dealing with anger is to understand its origin--this lessens its power over us.

The real cause of anger is found in one\'s beliefs. Beliefs, convictions determines whether the anger is frustrating, a threat to self-esteem or an injustice.

I\'ve been reading Design for Wholeness, The Road Lesss Travelled, and wanting to share helpful infor. The angry vile words that I say when no one is around would kick me out of this website. I've developed a low tolerance to certain races now which I'm ashamed of but will overcome as I love and accept all people. My husband and I are at war and he's sleeping in motel for last two nights. After researching my anger, I will not allow the anger to threaten my sef-esteem and yes an injustice has been inflected making me pain worse but its temporary so I will apologize and hope he sees the light. I spent four hours reading and writing this so my time was sell spent. Peace to you all and I hope this helps someone but better yet everyone.

[chumba]

Dear Purplelady: With compassion and unconditional love will our broken lives feel substantial joy. I think for us now we should savor any fleeting joy that crosses our path like a lady bug or eating your favorite ice cream. This is one of the very few places I have to feel at home with friends and is the only place I open up. My son Chris died 10-3-04 suddenly in his sleep at 32 years old and he was a free spirit. Chris was put on this earth to renew faith, hope, charity and inspiration. Whereever he worked, played he brought laughter and light. Chris was a heart transplant recepient with no serious problems post transplant for 3-1/2 yrs and loved his life and lived it fully. Chris accomplished all his lifetime goals. He died knowing how valuable he was to society. Just knowing this dries my tears and brings joy to my heart. I am extrememly sorry for your loss and will keep your family in my prayers.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Purplelady,

I want to tell you how sorry I am for the lose of your son, my daughter also died from a drug overdose, she was addicted to heroin, started with oxycontin, percs, anything with heroin in it.

My youngest son Mathhew was in rehab for drug addiction, when he died from a bi-saddle-emboli....he was 31, Carrie was 34. She died 11/3/02, Matt died 7/16/05.

The first year is bad, the second is worse. The third is,well, I dont know,maybe a little better.

What I am doing now, is speaking out about drug addition, and what it has done to my kids, and myself.

I speak at schools, town forums, public hearings...where ever I can. This week I spoke at the Ma. state house, in the Great Hall, to about 400 recovering drug addicts, state officials, and it was just so overwhelming.

Yesterday I spoke in front of the oxycontin commission, they are investigating the use and abuse of this deadly pain killer, it not only kills pain, its killing our kids. I told them about my childrens death, and how they both started on these pills, as do many, many, others.

This is what I have found to help me deal with the lose of my first born child,CarrieAnn, and my youngest son Matthew. I hope that maybe you will find something to help you deal also.

Peace and love to you.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[danielsmom]

Dear Donosmom, My daughter is getting married tomorrow,and I know that this day will be very bittersweet as you said.It has been five months since Daniel passed,and he was loking so forward to his sister\'s wedding.He loved a party and having a good time. I know that he will be with us tomorrow,just not the way we want.I know that tomorrow will be filled with tears,but there will also be love and laughter. Daniel would want us to have a good time ,and that is what will keep me going throughout the day.You are in my heart and thoughts always Daniel.

Wendy

[purplelady]

Dear Purplelady- As my Jackie puts it about our Danny's use of drugs- "Mom, he was always dabbling in something" And, he was- She worried about him like we all did- But, you know what? I do get comfort knowing that he is no longer struggling with being an addict, or not, or wondering if he is ,or wondering if he wonders that he is, or not- There was a trace amount of cocaine in his system, an empty pill bottle in his vehicle- I hope he didn't suffer for long as he entered this peaceful place where he is at now- If the drugs helped him as he departed, then so be it!! That might sound foolish, but he is gone now and whatever it took to help him get to his Heaven, at that moment, then it is all OK- He loved God and had a faith unlike anything that I had ever seen in such a young person- Bless your heart, I am thinking of you-You are one of our young ones- 8 weeks seems like a "yesterday", pat yourself on the back for reaching out so soon- Good girl and feel my hugs from North Carolina....xo mamabets

Mamabets - it is so hard, isn't it, to accept the way in which some choose to have their life end? Andrew was not a drug addict; however, he did "dabble" as your Danny did. What is hard to accept is that Andrew was too smart to go over the top. I will probably spend the rest of my life asking, "Why, God?" but it is all done and over now. All that is left is the grief. Yes, 8 weeks does seem like yesterday and so does the pain. I have a stong need to reach out to others who have been down the same path I am now heading - I am tired of being around those who do not understand my pain or how I haven't been able to move on. What am I supposed to move on to? My life has just been turned upside down, twisted up like a pretzel, and spun all around. I need to be near those who will understand and say "I've been there." Well, I am going to try and get the energy to get into the shower and start my day. Just doing those little things (like showering) makes me feel like I accomplished so much. I would really like to just go back up into bed and forget about all the things I need to get done, but I am trying to stay in the day and not go backwards. It is hard, but I come from strong stock, so I will keep on trying even if I fail. There is a lot to be said for perserverence. Thanks for the uplift and comfort. Much love sent to you and your family - Judi, Andrew's Mom

[purplelady]

Dear Purplelady: With compassion and unconditional love will our broken lives feel substantial joy. I think for us now we should savor any fleeting joy that crosses our path like a lady bug or eating your favorite ice cream. This is one of the very few places I have to feel at home with friends and is the only place I open up. My son Chris died 10-3-04 suddenly in his sleep at 32 years old and he was a free spirit. Chris was put on this earth to renew faith, hope, charity and inspiration. Whereever he worked, played he brought laughter and light. Chris was a heart transplant recepient with no serious problems post transplant for 3-1/2 yrs and loved his life and lived it fully. Chris accomplished all his lifetime goals. He died knowing how valuable he was to society. Just knowing this dries my tears and brings joy to my heart. I am extrememly sorry for your loss and will keep your family in my prayers.

Chumba, thank you for your kind words of support. I am also deeply sorry for the loss of your son Chris. It is truly the worst nightmare imaginable to have to bury your child. Your Chris sounds like he was an inspiration to you as well as to others. Yes, this site is a very safe place to lay your troubles and pain down, and share with others. It is my life-saver right now. It is people like you who have come into my life and have shown me compassion and love - literal strangers - and has tied us together with a common thread. I do take some comfort from the little things: when a butterfly crosses my path, a baby bird sitting in my yard, or just looking at my flower garden. I see Andrew's face and think of him in everything that I do. Thank you for sharing. Peace to you, my friend. Judi, Andrew's Mom

[purplelady]

Dear Purplelady,

I want to tell you how sorry I am for the lose of your son, my daughter also died from a drug overdose, she was addicted to heroin, started with oxycontin, percs, anything with heroin in it.

My youngest son Mathhew was in rehab for drug addiction, when he died from a bi-saddle-emboli....he was 31, Carrie was 34. She died 11/3/02, Matt died 7/16/05.

The first year is bad, the second is worse. The third is,well, I dont know,maybe a little better.

What I am doing now, is speaking out about drug addition, and what it has done to my kids, and myself.

I speak at schools, town forums, public hearings...where ever I can. This week I spoke at the Ma. state house, in the Great Hall, to about 400 recovering drug addicts, state officials, and it was just so overwhelming.

Yesterday I spoke in front of the oxycontin commission, they are investigating the use and abuse of this deadly pain killer, it not only kills pain, its killing our kids. I told them about my childrens death, and how they both started on these pills, as do many, many, others.

This is what I have found to help me deal with the lose of my first born child,CarrieAnn, and my youngest son Matthew. I hope that maybe you will find something to help you deal also.

Peace and love to you.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

Thank you, Stu, for sharing your story and your pain. I am so sorry for the loss of your two precious children, Carrie and Matthew. What a heartbreak to have to endure the death of two of your children. My Andrew died on 7/17/05, just one day after your Matthew - so we are walking the same time-span road together. I so appreciate your honesty when you tell me how bad the years are as they go by. I was not naive to think that they would get any better, for how could you ever find joy again after experiencing the loss of your children? It seems like every day the pain worsens, and I am guessing that eventually you learn to live with the pain and find a place to put it???? Do you neatly wrap it up like a beautiful little package and unwrap it when you want to go back to it???? I am so confused about all of it - all I know is that my life as I knew it is over now, it will never be the same again, and I will never get back that which I have lost - both my son and myself. Life will continue, but it will never be a life that I would have chosen for myself.

I admire the work you are doing to make others aware and honor the memory of your children. What a fighter you are! I, also, would like to do great things to honor the memory of my Andrew, and I am sure I will someday. Right now it is hard enough for me to just breathe through the day. I have 6 other children, 4 of whom still live at home, and any energy I can muster up is spent being a mother to them. They all need me so badly, and I need them, too. I am sure you will keep doing your good work for the children, and I thank God for those like you who have the guts and the fortitude and the mind to forge ahead and help others. You are a special kind of person and I am sure God will bless you for all you give. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Please know that I will think of your family always, and I would love to get to know all of you more when you are interested in sharing. Much peace and friendship, Judi, Andrew's Mom

[mamabets]

For Stu- Danny "dabbled" with plenty of oxycontin- Plenty...And, so did many of his friends... Plenty.... Bless your heart for going out to speak- Your message will speak volumes, and if it helps one family, then your day has been a better one. I don't know where you get the strength- I was once strong and am no longer. Never will be strong again, I know that. I have to learn how to feel first and then I have to learn how to somehow replace these sad memories with all of the happy ones- Thank you, for being strong fpr people like me. God bless you and I am happy to have you in my life... xomamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Stu, may you forever be blessed for all you do. No individual from any social group is immune to addiction; it can happen so easily to anyone who gets started. I'm a recovered addict, clean since 1980, and I can't go back to it. I have so much to live for in my family. Thank you for being such a caring person. Mark

[purplelady]

Mark, I just wanted to say that I commend you for your recovery and for sticking to it day by day. I am sure that it must be hard, but you are a strong person to put the needs of your family first, and for caring enough about them to realize that and persevere everyday. God bless you always.

Judi, Andrew's Mom

[jscmom]

Hay was my guys, haven't been here for awhile totally in deep depression. Today was my birthday...John used to call me first thing in the morning to beat his older sister, he did that for the last time last year.

I am dreading the following weeks, 9/25 our last conversation, 9/26 that "call" we all hate. Flying to Nebraska seeing my beautiful son in a coma hooked up to everything possible never waking up. And then we have 10/9 when we were permited to begin the comfort care (removing life support) 10/10 @ 2:27p.m. he took his last breath.

10/11 we flew him home to CA. planned his celebration of life and 10/21 our goodbyes.

So as these days approach I just want to crawl in the hole and cover it up.

How are we supposed to get through this. I read all the posts since I last logged on and I am so sorry for all our "new friends".

I read a lot about anger I have decided to let that go. The litle bit of energy I have I am giving it to John and those who have not perscuted me since John's passing. I must admit I am angry that he is gone because I don't have him anymore yet he is in a lot better place than I am..for that I am thankful. Family is so disappointing so I am not going to waste my time on them. Not all my family turned against me but the ones who stayed are stuck in the middle.

Why did this happen to us? I have been reading a lot which I hate to do trying to find answers I have yet to find them. All I know for sure is my baby died and with him went a big part of me. Yes life has forever changed not for the better as far as I am concerned...WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BURY OUR CHILDREN!

It's so different to wake in the morning thinking well one more day closer to be with my son again can't wait....

I wish the numbness was still here reality sucks. So as I approach my 1st year of HELL pray for me as the 2nd year begins.

To all of you who have bithdays, angel dates, and heartaches... coming up may our children give us some peace, and God find his way to help us heal.

Thanks for listening,

I love you so much Johnny, forever 22

"MOMMA"

I worry about Shannon as the 25th comes up she was driving when John was in the accident.

[mamabets]

For Jscmom- I pray for and with you... Anniversaries are frightening as they approach- I try , and we do, celebrate Danny when they hit- He was a Halloween baby- We give balloons to the trick or treaters and tell them to make a wish- Perhaps do something that John used to do- I don't know, just anything to focus on the happy times instead of the agony. I remember Danny calling on my birthdays- My 50th will be on October 18th- My Danny was in an accident, life support and his sister sat with him alone while he took his last breath- June, 2004- They needed it to be that way..They couldn't get me off of the floor, as I tried desperately to die with him...Flunked~ Now, we are in the throws of planning Jackie's wedding...HAPPY!!! Losing a child, it is awful, it tears at your entire being, but somewhere deep, I listen as I hear... "I am at peace- I love where I am and I am free to be at all times. Most important, Mama, I am with you for always and a day... You are my Mama and I will take care of you just like I always did. Seek and you KNOW you will always be able to find me." As someone so eloquently put it... They are only a "breath" away~ I feel your pain here in North Carolina and I hope that I helped you a little bit tonight, as I too pace...Special love to your Shannon- Life is just too unfair!! xo mamabets

[julsmom]

"Why did this happen to us? I have been reading a lot which I hate to do trying to find answers I have yet to find them. All I know for sure is my baby died and with him went a big part of me. Yes life has forever changed not for the better as far as I am concerned...WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BURY OUR CHILDREN!"

jcsmom - I feel your pain too as you come to this first anniversary (I hate that word, there should be a different one for this date). I too have searched and found no answers. Hold on for the 2nd year as all the numbness drops.

I can only tell you that for me eventually there was hope again, some happiness, some healing. I hope that you find that peace too. Lynda

[heartbrokendad]

Dear mamabets, and Mark...

Way to go Mark, I also know about addiction to pills, I was hooked on percs for about 8 years, had many knee surgeries, and got hooked to the pain killers, it took a real good doctor to get me off of them, have been clean since 88.

I know how and why my kids got addicted.....it must be in the genes. Like me, they kept it very quiet, didnt let me know about their addiction till it was to late...as I tell parents who oppose drug testing in schools, there is a drug test that will always work, its called an autopsy.

Mamabets: I dont do this because I am moving on with my life, I do it to be closer to my kids, and to fill the void they have left in my life. I am just as f---ed up as the rest of us, I just found a way keeps me going.

I hope you do also....

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you all for so much encouragement. I'd be a mess without you. I agree with the one positive drug test, Stu, as painful as that is. I taught a drug class in my church, an eye opener for these "sheltered" kids. They're not that innocent. My heart aches for those facing the "days" now. Jennifer was born on October 16, and I'm dreading that day so much. It's confusing for me, because I learned this year of her death. She died in '96. Is this my first or ninth year? All I know is, I'm the 44 year old father of a 31 year old daughter, and I can't stand this. Children shouldn't become parents. I'll take heart that it gets better. It has to, right? I'm sorry to sound down, but I hurt so bad, and woke up crying my head off missing Jenni today. Thank you for the hope. I don't say this enough, but please know that you are all the greatest! Have the best day today.

[mamabets]

For Stu- Thanks for your note- I don't think that we will ever move on from this- Just move, maybe- Go through the motions!! Go through the motions, while the emotions rip us apart. I cry hot tears now- They are all, each and every one, about this void- I admire the ability that some have to reach out. I feel that I have started by coming on to this Beyond Indigo and I do get counseling. Bless you and know that you are in my prayers. xo mamabets

[brin3d]

I have been away for awhile doing what I needed to do to help my heart. Darcia's second anniversary came and went on July 8th and I am continuing to move forward in my life without her physically with me. I actually made it through July with happiness in my life instead of all gloom and despair. Don't get me wrong, I still think of her each and every day of my life and wished that I could have done something to save her life that fateful day. I can not change the past. It is gone from my grasp. I can however love her child and raise her the way she would have wanted and to do that I have to feel and live once again or I would be cheating this child of the best that I am and have always been prior to losing my child. So today I can do that and give a gift back to my own child by giving to her child. Her daughter is now 3 1/2 and quite the young lady and exact replica of her mother both in looks and personality. Her mother would be happy.

Am I a different person today. I am. I have a deep sadness that can never be changed but I have a deep love for her child and my life as well as a great love to see my sons have children of their own so I will have more than one grandchild.

I thank all of you here for helping me through my darkest hours.

Barb