Loss of an Adult Child

[chumba]

To Mamabets: I too will never forget seeing my son life flighted to Stanford and when I hear the whirl of helicopters I thank the Lord for taking him to safety; they bring me comfort. My husband recently gave my son's couch away with my blessings; however, when I went into the barn and his couch was gone I hit rock bottom. I had no idea that it was a "tangible" source of comfort. Its true--you take one step forward and ten steps backwards. Another grieving parent who has lived through bereavement pointed this out for me and the keyword here is "Tangible." The panic attacks are gone for now thank God.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Mamabets,

And to make things worse, if that could happen, her husband, my ex son-in-law, after first agreeing to let me bury Matthew with Carrie, he changed his mind, and asked me to move him. Also he wasnt happy that I was there all the time, at their grave, and he wasnt, and he wasnt happy that I would bring things to the grave for them,like a night-lite,solar powerd, little gifts that I knew they would like, so he asked me to move them....I did, I had their coffin removed, and placed in my plot at the same cemetary, so in effect i buried them twice..It was kinda bitter sweet, I did get to touch the ciffin again, and tell them that I love them...

How do I live...I'm too big of a coward to kill myself...

For the first few months, it was work work work, I am a workaholic, so that wasnt to hard to do, then after Matt died, I decided that I was going to try and help others that are useing drugs, or are thinkong of useing... I speak at schools, state house, drug hearings, and tell people what drugs have done to me and my children....it helps me to go on, and I know they are with me when I tell others my story. This is the real short version, maybe some day we can talk...

Stay strong, stay safe, grieving is very hard work, you need to keep up your strength

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[wnf4ever]

I know that my "tolerance level" has gotten to about zero, especially with ignorant people and the way they act, the whining they do and the terrible and thoughtless things they can say. Can you tell that today I'm having another one of the especially bad days. I'm so angry at everything I am going to miss having Warren - I miss so badly talking to him every day and hearing that infectious laugh of his! I am SO SAD that he won't be able to be the wonderful father for his baby boy that I know he would be. I look at his picture all the time and I just cry. WHY?? I want to scream, I know we've all been there. Where is the sense in it all?! Parents should NOT bury their children!! How do I go on without him? I do feel blindsided, a lot and it does suck! I will never understand the whys, the what ifs... I know that, but it just gets me so ANGRY!! I MISS HIM SO DEEPLY!! I know this site helps me too, I know that whatever I say that everyone here understands me. Daveydow1, thank you for always responding to my posting - I always have you in my prayers too, please know that. I hope someday we all find peace, but personally, I just can't see it happening. How do we move through this life without our beloved children? I truly wish I knew, but I don't. I don't feel as I'm capable of doing so. I miss Warren's beautiful face and his love for life! That is SO TRUE about the guilt you feel for anything you laugh at. I remember laughing and I immediately stopped just because I did feel guilty! I thought to myself, "How can you laugh at ANYTHING without Warren?" I still pick up the phone to call him often! I talk to my daughter and my parents daily and each of us help the others as best we can. Lori (Warren's girlfriend) is doing well, no false labor or anything. My daughter and I are awaiting the birth of that little guy and I know that will be special, but OH SO DIFFICULT!! I know people don't know what to say to us, but as I've told those that actually say just that to me - "Be honest and tell me that, at least you are communicating with me." Some got the message, while others did not. Unfortunately, we sure find out who our "true" friends are during a time such as this, don't we? It just makes me so mad that people actually think there's ever a time when you "should be okay, it's been a while now." Those are the ones that I just want to smack right across the face, possibly to put some sense into them if that is even possible!

Well, I've gone on long enough - thanks to everyone for being there. I think of you all, all the time and I will pray for everyone of you that somehow, you can find peace...

Take care,

Marty

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

You mentioned pets being a comfort. Yes, they certainly are.

I have a faithful 9 yr. old cat, Brownie. She is always by my side

in the day and evening. I'm glad you have the four dachsunds

to comfort you. My son loved pets. He adopted a puppy from the

animal shelter. He had it a week, and it became sick. The vet

said it had parvo virus, and it died. Davey had chosen this little pup because

he felt sorry for it since it was the runt of the litter that

was brought in with the mother dog. He had called it Dash.Davey was

19 yrs. old, and cried when his pup died. He buried it in the backyard,

wrapped in one of his sweatshirts. You also said that your

son was killed by a semi truck. My son was killed by a truck, too.

He was stopped in backed-up traffic at a freeway exit. A refrigerated

semi truck weighing 40,000 lb. ran him over his car when the driver of the

truck fell asleep at the wheel. Davey was life flighted to the nearest traums center

where he died within the hour. The truck driver escaped without a scratch. It was the middle of the day, and David's

father and I was not present at his death, nor was anyone else in the

family. We were away when the accident occured.I too feel nauseated whenever I see a helicopter overhead. Davey had never flown before, but had wanted to.

I pray that you can find comfort here at this site. Peace be with you.

[mamabets]

For Heartbrokendad- Do you have any other children? Have you been able to keep your marriage together? How is the mother of these children? You are an inspiration- In touch with your own feelings, you are. "Too much of a coward to kill yourself-" I tried, didn't work, and I learned very early on that our plan is very often not part of the plan- The big picture, so I committed to stay out of my own way and just follow Danny... He does lead and he does hold me in the palm of his hand. I still know that it will be a struggle for always. A HUGE struggle! I wonder how some are doing after 5 years or more? mamabets

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- I feel as if the name Dash is short for Dachshund- A sign from above- Perhaps our boys are together, side by side, as we tell their stories today. My Danny was on life support for a week- He had made my daughter promise months before his passing that if anything were to ever happen to him, I was not to see any of it- "She is to have nothing but wonderful memories of us"- Perhaps a premonition... I became suicidal after his passing- Required two hospitalzations...Seems like a lifetime ago... Days are so long, life is longer... XO

[daveydow1]

Mom of justin,

I read your post regarding insensitive people and the things

they say. I think it would be a safe bet to say that nearly all

the parents who come to this site have had this experience. I

do believe that most people just don't know what to say, but a

simple "I'm sorry for your loss" would be good enough. It is just

whenever they start adding things that it can get hurtful. The

bookkeeper in your workplace certainly was insensitive to tell you

of her troubles. While I have not had very many hurtful things

said to me, I did write off a "friend" of 40 yrs. who did not call,

send a card, or come to my son's calling hours. Our children used

to play together. After about a year, I happened to call him

on the phone. He was very abrupt and unfeeling---saying only "Yeah,

I read about it in the paper". He was obviously very anxious to

have me hang up. I have never called him again, nor has he called us.

When his wife, (my good friend), died in May 2000, I had gone to the

funeral and called him on a regular basis, and he was very appreciative

of that. Who knows why he acted as he did when I talked to him? It

has been a year, and I have not talked to him since. Most of the time,

I think we just swallow our hurt or anger, but sometimes you just can't.

Peace be with you all.

[mamabets]

Chumba- Thank you for your words of comfort and know that all of our angels are together, guiding us to each other. I can tell you this, I don't have the strength to give like I did, but it comes naturally here. I am amazed at the bond between all of us, yet what bond is stronger than the one you share with your kids?? My Danny, at 25, did not have his liscence marked for organ donation, however, once again , Jackie knew of his wishes...Bless your son for being another miracle...She will be joining this website- She aches for him also- They were 14 months apart and so close. How do marriages hold up after this? I am married to Danny's "other" Dad- His hero above all others. I am at this computer day and night and he just patiently understands, I hope. He is a gentle man of few words- A Vietnam vet, so I think he understands this thing called "fear"- Whatever one can do...I live for the memory of Danny, it seems. Once you have lost a child, it becomes all encompassing. Do you have any other children? Please keep writing- It is so helpful and peace be with you too!! XO

[starlight1]

I was not present when my David died either. David was in the US Navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier (The USS JFK) which was docked in Jacksonville, FL. I was in the UK when he had his accident. Although the Navy had both my phone number and I thought my ex-husband's phone number (who lives in Atlanta), the Navy came to my daughter's apartment and told her that her little brother was dead. She had to call me and tell me. What a horrible burden for a 22 year old young woman....and she was alone when they came, her roomate was out. I'll never forgive myself for that. I know it doesn't make any sense as I had no choice in the matter but I somehow feel I let her down. Also, they had David's body in the morgue for over 10 hours before they we were notified. I spent all Easter day not knowing that my child's body was lying in a morgue - not knowing that our lives had been destroyed.

David died at the scene so they couldn't use any of his organs. Somehow I felt robbed, David had organ donor on his driver's license so I know that's what he would have wanted. He would have wanted something positive to have come out this tragedy.

[mamabets]

Starlight1- It is so hard to grasp the fact that we have little control over anything- I have often said, even before this- "What will be, already is.. Just stay tuned and hold on"- It's true- I am so thouroughly exhausted every waking minute, that I do get some kind of peace from believing that had there been anything that could have been done for both of my children during this, I certainly would have been the one to do it and they both know that. I have surrendered to whatever is- I don't know if that is a good thing or not, because my heart is still terminally broken, as I call it, and life as I have known it for 50 years is over. This is a whole new life and it is not at all like anything I have ever known. XO mamabets

[rmcaggiano]

Dearest Stu,

Hello, I haven't forgotten about you, not at all,

I have finally just ended a terrible relationship that

I have been in for almost two years. He did move on and

I believe knowing that we were not ever going to go anywhere

he realized that I or he says that I'm so different and

distant. Anyway, he is such an opression, {almost demonic}

that My Nicholas would want it this way. Anyway I will talk

later..............

Remember my Nicholas in your thoughts

Rose

[kathy714]

Maybe someone can help,i am having a very hard time lately feeling lonely,sad and depressed,the silence in my house now that my son Nathan is not here is making me crazy. I do have other family members,but just my husband and i live at home,he works evenings and i work 3 nights 7pm-7am,and when we are together we really don't talk much,because we are both so sad.When Nathan was here my house was always filled with friends and noise.I just feel so empty inside,my heart is just breaking in pieces more and more each day.It has been 7 mo,since Nathan has crossed,could this be the shock of everything wearing off.Please Help...Kathy,Nates mom.

[rhonda68]

Dear friends I have just been reading all of your posts and I am so sad and so sorry for everyone here. How do we get threw? I had a bit of a mental break down tonight it has been nearly 7 months and I miss my son so bad and my heart aches and there is totally nothing i can do. I have tried to stay strong for my other son but I don't think I can do it anymore I am so very tired and no one gets this horrific pain except all of you I wish I could just come live with you. I am so very angry at the world why was my son taken and your children? There is just no sense. I have read alot about the children hit by a semi truck my child was also hit by one and I hate every time i see one of those big trucks i just cringe. I too would just love to die and have this pain end I cant take this much longer!

Rhonda

[julsmom]

Maybe someone can help,i am having a very hard time lately feeling lonely,sad and depressed,the silence in my house now that my son Nathan is not here is making me crazy. I do have other family members,but just my husband and i live at home,he works evenings and i work 3 nights 7pm-7am,and when we are together we really don't talk much,because we are both so sad.When Nathan was here my house was always filled with friends and noise.I just feel so empty inside,my heart is just breaking in pieces more and more each day.It has been 7 mo,since Nathan has crossed,could this be the shock of everything wearing off.Please Help...Kathy,Nates mom.

Kathy - I certainly identify with your remarks. Julie didn't live with us for some time, but had spent the summer before her death with us, using our house as a base to travel before she "had to really grow up and work summers" (she had just begun teaching). I miss the phone calls always at dinner, no matter what time we sat down. Some days John and I just stare at each other and we are almost 2 yrs from that awful day (10/13/03). I only work 3 days a week, but John is out a lot in the evenings because of his job. Our dog was company, but we had to put him down just before summer, so now it is really quiet in the evenings. I know we have good days and are actually starting to talk about the "future" again. And I think I may start to look for full time work. But certainly the silence in the house is overwhelming some days. May we all find the peace we keep searching for. Lynda

[mamabets]

I know what the "quiet" feeling is like- All too well. Although my Danny did not live here with us, he called here 4 times or more, at any given time, throughout the day. Since then, the telephone can be very scary. Friday nights he would call and we would talk for hours, about EVERYTHING!! He would call me and ask me if "bestest" was a word and I would reply"You know what Dan, if you want it to be, then it is"- Friday nights are brutal for me. The reality of it all hits me so. I look on websites, and what is difficult is that all of this torture is part of the process in order to someday find some kind of peace. The days won't be as long and we will be able to find some joy in other things. It is just that the depth of the grief is what it is now and I have to hope that one day, the pain will not be the very first thing that hits me in the morning. Let us keep helping one another, for the support groups are vital to this process also. It is not easy to die, so let us know too, that is not an option. As for losing a pet, your beloved dog, bless you. THAT is a tremendous loss-!! Find a puppy, perhaps. I have four dogs, and I dread the day when I lose one- I keep telling myself that I would HAVE to, for no other reason than to keep me sane, get another, and another, and another. Certainly, not to ever dream of replacing, but to somehow keep my mind and soul busy. And, a new little thing that needs a home would be a good way- I don't know though, maybe not. My intuition just seems to tell me so. I am here, so please write!! The semi-truck stories are just awful. How do we live?? We have to listen to the kid's messages- What would they want us to be doing? XO mamabets

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

I am sorry that you are having a terrible time. Sadness,

lonliness, and depression seems to plague a parent who

has lost a child, and it is difficult to throw it off.

The 6th month and up to the 1 yr. angel day seemed to

be a particularly hard time for me also. (It has been

2 yrs. 3 mo. since my son, Davey passed over). The 2nd

angel day was the tiniest bit softer and less keen than

that first angel day. I hope that you take each day as

it comes, and that you are especially kind to yourself

whenever you are hit with these extra-bad days. I try to

read, play games on the computer, or watch some "chick

flick" that is mostly fluff--nothing too deep. Also,

music, and especially nature has a calming effect. We

don't expect the pain to go away, we just hope for a little

bit of comfort and solace, don't we? I pray that you will

find some comfort somehow and some peace.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda 68,

I did not know that your son's passing was caused by a semi truck also. I know exactly what you mean about hating

those huge monsters on the road. I see the blue trucks of the

fleet that killed my dear Davey, all over in this area. Not

long ago, I was driving on a freeway, and when I looked in my

rear-view mirror, one of these trucks was coming up behind me

like a giant animal. It then went into the passing lane, and

went on its way. I could not help thinking of my poor son and

how it must have been for him in that terrible moment when the

driver fell asleep at the wheel and literally flattened Davey's

car, killing him. I know how you feel about trying to keep going

for the other child(ren's) sake. You truly want to, but when the

heart is broken and you long for the child who passed over, it is

so very difficult. I think that by your posts, you loved your son

very much, and have strength to keep going. I pray that you will

find some sort of rest and peace on this road we are all on. Peace

to all on this site.

[chumba]

Daveydowl, Mamabets, Julsmom and Kathy714: Thanks for your recent postings to others. All I needed was compassion, I looked in the wrong place, should have come here first. I wish with all my heart we could all get on a bus and ride out of this hell we didn't ask for and ride into the sunset feeling free and breezy. My way of saying "life sucks today." I'm through with trying to relate to others not suffering as we are--it is useless and demoralizing and self-destructive. Unfortunately, some of us have to live amongst them. Tomorrow will be better.

Chumba

[mamabets]

Chumba and All- It took such effort to even think today- I just forced myself to go back to my room and sleep- Usually something that comes easily to me- Block this out- But, even that has been difficult to do lately. I feel as if I am all out of whack- Will it ever seem anywhere near normal? Let's all hold on to the hope that others can give us- That one day it will.Let's all hope that we are writing this story together, and with all of our hearts we will carry each other through, and one by one, little by little, we will start to heal. With each little bit of hope from one another, we will find it contagious, we will want it for ourselves, and perhaps the healing can begin. I know that Danny would want that for me and I know that your angels would want that for all of you too. Don't you think? There has to be a place where we can start traveling towards peace. Peace at any cost... Then, when we get knocked down again, which is what happens after losing a child, chances are there will be new names on the board, new shattered hearts that will need us to help show them the way. Do you think that we can do this? Do you think that we can escape this torment? How can they rest in Heaven if we don't? I have no answers, I have lost my faith in miracles, however somewhere deep in my soul, I hear a little voice saying to me... "Oh, Mom, please don't lose your faith..." So, with that, I say that I can wonder about a miracle here in my life. But, my faith can remain strong. All for the love of Danny and Jackie and Julia. My lifelong miracles!!! XO Write someone, please!! XO mamabets

[mamabets]

For All- A thought... I heard from my daughter's fiance early on "Remember, Danny is where we are all trying to get to" and then he told Jackie once when he was out of town on business "When you miss me, look up, because we are both under the same stars" I just went out with a dog, and as I often do, I looked up and the sky was laced with "hearts"- Every which way... I have photographed these, many of them, since his passing. But I promise, if you go out and look up, you too will find "hearts", somewhere, because there are so many. My Danny was due on Halloween and born on Halloween, all by himself!! Not induced or scheduled!! Just a beginning to what I now trust in- I never doubt his magical, mystical ways!! This is probably a page for ADC and visions, but you guys seem to need it here too. So, go out and look up and let me know what happens...Listen to your "heart", because as I have been quoted as saying very often "This shattered heart of mine is still beating"- XO Thanks for being here!!

[mamabets]

For Kathy- I am Betsy, or mamabets, and Danny's mom. I was told by a grief therapist, that after something like this, one tends to "go along" somehow "in shock" and then the shock does wear off and it is almost worse than the beginning because there is no shock to cushion it a little. The reality, with some time and a gradual progression,really hits hard. I know it to be now because it happened to me- I am sure that some others here can relate- I couldn't remember the beginning and I could now compare it- I was out of it then and I am not now. The pain after the shock went to an even deeper level, and my daughter just experienced this after a few more months.We lost Danny in June of 2004- There is no timetable, I was told- When it hits, it hits hard. One step forward, 25 back it seemed like and there are times when it still hurts worse than any other.But I do know that it doesn't stay that agonizing. I try to remain gentle with myself,and I NEVER give a hoot what anyone else thinks. I am finding lately that I do not want to be even close to anyone- Better to be at a distance- Safer to be isolated. Whatever new emotions hit, I just try to accept them.let the chips fall. The depression-I have battled it before this- It is crippling, as it should be, after this. Time is the only hope for that. Time and faith that some slack will somehow be cut. While I do take medicine, there is not a pill in the world that can even begin to "balance" this agony out with the rest of the head- This, is a traumatized, broken heart and nothing will cure it, except knowing that we will be together again one day in Heaven ,that this living is hell. We can ONLY go up from here, and we are not alone in this world of grieving parents. Someone, somewhere is going through " that moment" right now with no hope at all. But, too, life begins somewhere. Therein, lies the answer, I guess. Who knows... XO mamabets Betsy

[briansdad]

I went to the cemetery the other day to talk to Brian. I saw some people grooming a grave and went to talk to them.I thought maybe they worked there.I ended up being a couple who lost three children and two grandchildren in the same accident.They were in traffic waiting to go to Six Flags over Mid America.A dump truck ran over their minivan.He didn't touch the brakes.They had no chance.I just kept telling them how sorry I was for them.I then noticed that his wife had no hair from cancer treatments I guess.We talked for about an hour.I left that morning wondering as bad as my pain is how can people like them be asked to live with that much pain.I just don't get it.

[chumba]

One night while swimming I started floating on my back all of a sudden a falling star went through the heavens, then another falling star right behind the first star, then a third star. All of a sudden I started laughing and laughing it was my Chris star hopping and I could hear him say "Mom, it is so much fun up here." And awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy he went. What a joyful moment with my angel. I live in California and in the northern sky is a butterfly that I have named Christopher. It is just beautiful and is there every night.

A total stranger posted a message from another site after reading my story and said that noboby could have prepared my son better than I did for the challenges he had to struggle with then said I don't think you know how great you are. It left me thinking. Today I picked up the book "Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck, M.D. recommended by my past therapist. In essense, life is all about suffering. We learn discipline through working through our sufferings. Self-discipline is self-care. Self-care shows you value yourself. I taught Chris the value of suffering by suffering with him. Chris knew how valuable he was. I realized what more could I have taught him. What more could a parent wish but that their child felt valuable. All this can't be taught without love for each other. I now know my self worth. Up to this point, I felt worthless, helpless and hopeless. No more. Everyone here has the same quality relationships with their angels and we should quit beating ourselves up and acknowledge that not only were our children great but we are great mothers and fathers. One positive point about isolation is that we have more time to delve into the mysteries of life and death. I think it might help us more if we start writing about our childrens achievements so we can keep their legacy alive. Also we are virtually all strangers reaching out to each other like true brothers and sisters should giving each other compassion and attention and affirmation and time. It sad that we can't get this from our immediate friends and families because they haven't been through this. They really don't know how we feel, what we go through. We here are the only ones who can help us get through our bereavement journey. Why don't we start challenging ourselves to get more information to share about making this journey the most rewarding experience. We could even write a book about our individual experiences and have it published. We could make money and setup a scholarship for one of our parents who is dealing with financial problems. Anyway, I feel better than I did this morning. I owe it to my son to get myself together so I can go out in the big bad world and try to do some good somewhere. I'm hoping this will distract someone long enough to give them a break from crying or feeling bad. I welcome distractions as I'm weary of obsessively thinking about my loss. I now want to turn my loss into something gained. Anybody else have any suggestions?

Our best friends were killed in an auto accident by another driver who had a heartattack. Mother, father, ten year old daughter wiped out. Walking into the church and seeing three coffins lined up jolted me and I was shocked and horrified. The parents had live ammunition in the truck which went off and their truck immediately went up in flames. No one could get close enough to save them. They left a daughter who just started college who was leaving across the road from us. She was left with no family but has a great extended family whom we promised we would watch over her. She's been very brave; I'm going to send her flowers.

[rhonda68]

Daveydow 1 thanks for responding to my post it just helps me to know I am not alone, I also thank you for your words of comfort. I am having a terrible time I go to work eat sleep and try to keep up with my 16 year old and that is about all I can manage sometimes I dont even feel like I can do that I just wish to stay in bed and keep the covers over my head. I am so sorry for your loss as well lets just all stick together and be here for each other. If there is anyone I can be of help to on this site just let me know I am here for all of you.

Rhonda

[kathy714]

I want to thank everyone for their replies to my post,i find so much meaning and comfort in all of the messages i read on this site.Everyone here is so kind and supportive.It is so strange how i can be in a room filled with people i know ,and can feel so alone,then i come to this site and realize ,i am not alone ,there are so many others in the same situation ,and some in much worst.Dear Mamabets ,you are so right ,i am so thankful for the beautiful relationship that i had with my son Nathan,and like my husband said,God gave us Nathan for 21 years and for that we should be thankful.ALSO,the minster at Nathan's service said,Would you trade more time for less love,that we shared with our son, and that is so true. There are so many families where the kids don't want anything to do with the parents,and i do thank God for the time that i shared with Nathan.Thank you all again for being here for me,i don't know what i would do without this website,you are all in my prayers.

[mamabets]

For Rhonda68- Semi-trucks- My Danny's accident report, dear God. What a living nightmare, But, he went on to save these five lives after, standing in the middle of a highway and being hit by this truck. I wrote a letter to the driver, as his name was on the report . The driver was on his way to work, and my Danny made no attempt to move, evidently. This tragedy changed this man's life forever, as I can only imagine. A terrible vision for him to have to carry. He was not intoxicated or anything. He has been awarded for impecible driving and whatnot.I don't know your circumstances surrounding your son's death, but I do sometimes get signs from these huge trucks, Danny's initials on them, for example.I try to hold on to goofy things like that. Messages... My daughter has had a terrible time with the trucks also. It has gotten better for her, because on a recent road trip with her 6 year old, she turned the situation around and gave "toot-toot" signs to the drivers so they would blow their horn back. A little game for Julia, for a moment. Her daughter, my grandaughter, and Danny's only niece. One of the loves of his life, his only ever "love at first sight". I am so sorry for your loss and everyone's here. It's a long and winding road on very unfamiliar, unsteady feet... Please, know that I am here for you and everyone else here. And Chumba, you blessed me and my flailing spirit in telling me that my story has given you peace surrounding Chris' transplant. It, too, is so wonderful to hear how you took the time to tell him how wonderful he was. Danny used to call me and say "Hey, has anyone told you today that you are just the best? Out of the blue, he would do things like that- I have often said "Thank God that he is where he is- He was way to kind for this world" And Greg, you made my night. I shared Brian with my sister and with Jackie. Trust me when I tell you, the guys were hanging out together last night. Thank you and keep those e-mails coming!! mamabets XO

[mamabets]

For Rhonda68- Semi-trucks- My Danny's accident report, dear God. What a living nightmare, But, he went on to save these five lives after, standing in the middle of a highway and being hit by this truck. I wrote a letter to the driver, as his name was on the report . The driver was on his way to work, and my Danny made no attempt to move, evidently. This tragedy changed this man's life forever, as I can only imagine. A terrible vision for him to have to carry. He was not intoxicated or anything. He has been awarded for impecible driving and whatnot.I don't know your circumstances surrounding your son's death, but I do sometimes get signs from these huge trucks, Danny's initials on them, for example.I try to hold on to goofy things like that. Messages... My daughter has had a terrible time with the trucks also. It has gotten better for her, because on a recent road trip with her 6 year old, she turned the situation around and gave "toot-toot" signs to the drivers so they would blow their horn back. A little game for Julia, for a moment. Her daughter, my grandaughter, and Danny's only niece. One of the loves of his life, his only ever "love at first sight". I am so sorry for your loss and everyone's here. It's a long and winding road on very unfamiliar, unsteady feet... Please, know that I am here for you and everyone else here. And Chumba, you blessed me and my flailing spirit in telling me that my story has given you peace surrounding Chris' transplant. It, too, is so wonderful to hear how you took the time to tell him how wonderful he was. Danny used to call me and say "Hey, has anyone told you today that you are just the best? Out of the blue, he would do things like that- I have often said "Thank God that he is where he is- He was way to kind for this world" And Greg, you made my night. I shared Brian with my sister and with Jackie. Trust me when I tell you, the guys were hanging out together last night. Thank you and keep those e-mails coming!! mamabets XO

[starlight1]

Chumba....I love your story about the falling star....I am sure it was your son you heard and I can envision my son having a wonderful time up there too. Thanks to all of you...I just don't know what I'd do without you.

[mamabets]

Starlight1 and Chumba- I heard Danny in my heart say to me the day after he crossed over "I got here, Mom, and I said to God- You poor guy- You look so old and you have always looked old in every picture that I have ever seen of you. Please, take a load off and let me give you a hand" It was so typical of Danny, the words, and it was as if I could have almost touched him , he was so near. Danny had a strong belief system in a power greater than he- He lived on the edge, yet talked to God every night and God had faith in Danny.Now,when I hear him talk through my heart, I stop, listen and then follow... Stories about our kids are ways to help all of us too. Memories, memories about it all, good, bad or otherwise- Whatever we feel like- We are hear to listen and be with one another- XO mamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mamabets, I'm sorry for your loss. What a great son! Seeing such love and faith in his life is inspiring. Thank you for telling of the adventure with your granddaughter and the trucks. I can see this helping with her sorrow and the fear of trucks. May Danny's faith comfort you. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[aprilsmom]

Hi, I appreciate so much the comment about Danny and living on the edge. The girls that worked with April brought her buletin board to me that hung over her desk at work. On it was a slip of paper that she had written, "People can live one hundred years without even living a minute". She had drawn red hearts all around the edges and I now carry it in my Bible. April lived a LOT for a 26 yr. old just not nearly long enough for ME and the rest of her family. I too talked to the driver of the Peterbuilt truck (filled to capacity with Asphalt). He told me that he made eye contact before they collided and the expression on April's face was so disoriented/surprised, that he thought, "MY God, am I running a STOP? She wasn't even exceletating, she was ROLLING out like she couldn't see". I drove the route the next morning and the sun is just right THERE, plus all the construction signs, no signal, and the limit line is too far back. The intersection is shared by 3 different government entities all pointing the finger at each other. Sorry, got sidetracked. The driver had his 20 year old son in the truck. They both ran to April praying but she was already gone.(He was traveling about 50-55 miles per hour. The driver's mother (I've only spoken to these people on the phone never face to face) told me that her son talks about my April everyday, like he knew her, that it is his way of keeping her alive in his mind. It's os wierd that I have never had a bad feeling towards him where my normal motherly instinct is to take the head off anyone that dares hurt one of my kids. Oh, and the best part: The company name on the side door of the red Peterbuilt is FAITH TRUCKING. I do a lot of driving for my job and our valley is crawling with the same type trucks, different colors. I see every darn one of them too. Take Care, Renee

[missingchris]

Today we cleaned out the attic, and rearranged our house. It may sound like an average thing to do on a weekend. Things take on new meaning when you're trying to fit your dead child into your lives as much as you still can. But keep it so that everywhere your 6 year old looks, that he won't be bombarded with the reminder that his brother is gone. I think we've done well. My bad moment came when I had emptied a box with a little bit of everything in it. Chris's cologne was in it. And without me knowing, Rich had put some on..... He walked by me and I almost went to my knees. Smell is such a powerful thing, can bring back the most remote memory. It felt like Chris had brushed by me. I know some parents go through their children's things and only some are kept. Others keep everything. We've given things to a few that Chris loved dearly.And let Dakota decide what he wanted as keepsakes. But today we looked at his furniture sitting in the different rooms, and we decided that some of it could go. Dakota is only 6. I may come to regret it later. But I've reached a crossroads where the need to simplify our lives is paramount. To function I need order and simplicity.

We suffered horribly during the month of his death anniversary. But slowly i think I\'m coming out of it. Maybe numbness has come back to bless me with a little relief, no matter, I will accept it. I know so may of you have tough days coming up. I may not post often, but I do think of all of you every day. My goal in the months till Christmas is to help Dakota feel better about being an only child. It's like he's lost his identity, and is struggling now with the anger stage. He's angry with God for making the water run too fast, angry at his brother for listening to the suggestion to get in. He lives with the guilt of being persuaded by an older child to ask Chris to go swimming that day. But we tell him everytime it comes up, his brother was old enough to make up his own mind, and he thought it was safe. It\'s all we can do. Love to all, hold on, somehow we'll make it, through the grace of the love of our children.

[mamabets]

AlwaysmyJennifer- Thank you for your thoughts- Tell me about Jennifer... I am sure your story is remarkable too, as it is all too hard to believe that we have all gathered here. I learned some incredible things from my Danny's passing. Things that you tend to take for granted, like assuming that people will never disappoint you during your hour of need. Worse yet, go out of their way to try to hurt you , in hopes of eleviating their own guilt, knowing all the while that I would be the perfect target because I would have none. I adored him, he adored me and our story was been written. We lived this life of ours together, out perfectly, as if it was to be this way. We had experiences, that in retrospect, right up to the end, lead us to the end.Never expected it for more than a flash one time. A thought that felt as if I were on a boat, a wave. It came and it went. It was an answer to a question that was never asked. I never wondered if he was going to die, nor did I ever ask why me- I remember thinking after his accident, why not- I am no different than anyone else on these pages, I just never thought for one minute that my journey would include trying to navigate my way through THE worst of the worst. To be a member of a club that you can never leave, is the awful truth. I know how he would want my heart to feel now- And it is exactly as he would wish- Honest- I can't avoid the obvious feelings that are a part of who we have become. That will never chang,so I have grown accustomed to the feelings. Anything short of this would be an attempt to "move on", and that means to move on from Danny. No thanks... I will take it as it comes and stay in the moment. One moment at a time. I love to hear the stories about all of the other kids- What a brave, courageous group of people that took the chance, threw caution to the wind for a fleeting moment, and gave Heaven a chance... They are reeping all sorts of rewards, and they are our hope. Our hope that our time, too, will one day come to a place where peace is the only option. The choice will have been made for us!! I have told friends and family "Danny would often come to me for all of his answers- The role is now reversed, forever". And, as long as I am here, trying to survive in a world without him, I need him there to show the way... Write soon, all XO mamabets

[mamabets]

For missingchris- For whatever this may be worth, they often say that your loved one will show you that they are there with you through smells and "brushes" by. Both have happened with Jackie, Danny's sister and and me. My feeling is that it would be fair to say that he was with you today, as he always is. He just wants you to believe that all is well where he is. The books have certainly written about it and I have truly lived it during this painful journey. I hope it helps that I share it with you and your miracle today!! Thank you!! XO mamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mamabets, don't you just "love" dealing with those who demean and degrade our sorrow, like it's something to wash over like yesterday's news? I'm sure we all deal with the well-meaning, who stomp squarely on our toes like a lousy dancer. Stay close to those who are good for you, and ignore the others.

My Jenni was adopted at birth, and because her mother didn't tell me about her, I didn't know of her until after her death. On the day she was born, I felt some form of strange "life energy", and on the day she died, I was in hospital for an anxiety attack, which became depression until her remains were located. She was raped and murdered while visiting the ocean. Two months before her death, she began a search for me, but this was never to be. Seven months after her death, her mother took her own life by a heroin overdose. I always have believed she was distraught from grief for her death. Her life was less than great in some ways, a shining star in others. I searched for several years to find her, once I was told of her, and I found her birth certificat in July of this year. She died in 1996, at 21. I get signs from her, and visits, and she always stops in from Heaven at night to give me a goodnight hug. She's my sweet angel now. I just can't wait to be with her.

My thoughts are with you through your journey, and I bid you peace. Mark

[mamabets]

Alwaysmyjennifer- Had you continued to stay in touch with her mother after her birth? I am confused, but how wnderful that you know that you have an angel with you. How old was she? How do you get by, day in and day out-? How long ago did you lose her and where is her other family? When and how did you find out about this angel, with your name on her? God Bless You...XO mamabets

[mamabets]

Alwaysmyjennifer... You, finally and fairly, found out about her after she passed, because nothing was going to keep her from finding you. And, nothing ever will...Peace and loveXO mamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mamabets, Jenni's mother needled me with heroin on the night she was conceived, and after that I never heard from her. On the night she died of the OD, she told someone in hospital of my paternity, and it was taken as a dying declaration. She died before she could give all my info, so it took them a while to find me, through one of my roadies. That was almost a year long search to find me. She also died before telling hospital staff that Jenni had died. So, I started looking, thinking she was alive. But, either way, I found her, and so happy I did. I have learned some things of her life, and what I know is that she is a beautiful young lady with so much to offer this world. She was so caring and gentle, always willing to help others. She also loves fast cars, and I sometimes find my photo album open to my Vette, when my other children really take no interest in it. I sometimes wonder if her Camaro played a role in her death. It was a show car, a real eye catcher. You're right, nothing was keeping her from her Dad, not even death.

[mamabets]

Alwaysjennifersdad-Bless your heart... How did Jenni's birth mother find out about her passing? Are you in touch with the adoptive family? You have other children to celebrate your uniqueness as a father with... That is a good thing. And, you have Jenni's story to share with those of us, like myself, who have often thought "The only thing that could be worse than this, would be not knowing where they are". You didn't and now you do. She was a very spirited young woman and her legacy clearly lives on in you... XO mamabets {Sometimes typos are a good thing- I typed your name in as I thought it was... Just scrolled down and found out that either way, you will always be her father. Thought that I would leave my apparent typo for you to enjoy}

[briansdad]

Aprilsmom

The guy that was driving the truck that was involved in Brian's accident never tried to contact me.Maybe that's why I hate the SOB with all my heart.It's probably bad that I do but I can't help it.I even wrote to the 2 witnesses of the accident and wanted to know what Brian's last minutes were like and neither of them responded.I just want to know!I have had no cooperation what so ever. I think that really sucks.

[aprilsmom]

Dear Brian's Dad, I can understand you hating him, I would feel the EXACT same way. It was a freak thing that someone April worked with knew the driver's family. While others in our family were talking about a memorial service I was on the phone getting someone to ask the driver if I could talk to him. I wanted to know every single detail. If I had not been able to talk to him I would have went to his house probably and confronted him because all the addresses are listed on the accident report. I'm SO SO surprised that no one has talked to you; that seems so STRANGE to me; I WOULD WANT TO TALK TO THE PARENTS TO EASE THEIR PAIN. Was there a law suit or anything that prevented them from doing that or a question as to whose fault it was? People are so darn CHICKEN these days. I do need to tell you though that the driver of the truck had to sue Bobby in order to access April's insurance and of course since she was on the job, her employer's insurance as well. I just figured that he and his son are probably in some major therapy and need it. I think you have EVERY RIGHT to know about those last few minutes. Since, April had no bruising the doctors told me her neck was broken on impact; sorry if this is gross to you, it doesn't bother me to talk about this. If the heart stops beating right away the blood can't get to the site of the injury to bruise you. I asked the newspaper editor to e-mail me the photos and he did; sometimes I just sit for hours and stare at the pics from different angles, zooming in and out, just WISHING it had been me instead of her. April and Bobby were also involved in a car club like Brian, only it was very old VWs - April had an old notch back that she was in love with. Bobby and she restored one that appeared in a magazine in Europe. In fact he is at a show right now in Maryland. We live an hour or so north of L.A. Where do you live? Don't feel bad about feeling the way you do; I figure that the Lord has made me feel this way so I don't end up in jail or something........crazy huh? Thanks for writing me, Renee

[mamabets]

For All- I was walking around this morning and had a thought that I had not yet shared with you. I keep a journal- It really helps and I write it to Danny- I start each time, because I don't do it every day, with Hi Honey- And then on I go about how proud I am of him, or how funny I thought something was that he did or how miraculous I thought something was after he had given me sign of some kind. It is his story- And, this Beyond Indigo is now mine, to tell and share.My son and I are on different parts of the journey now, yet it is all about him, and I know that you can all relate. This is all too encompassing, through no fault of our own. But, I have been writing to Danny since the beginning, day 1 , and God only knows what prompted me to do it. If anyone had ever told me that one day I would be getting a glimmer of peace from writing to a child of mine that had passed away, well, need I say more. But, like anything else, for the time that I am involved doing it, and a bit of time after, it helps.It is usually short an sweet; sometimes not. And often I have to stay away from it because I am in bad shape. But, to go back and read all that I have written reminds me of certain things that had happened on certain days since his passing. I try to keep it upbeat to him. Happy thoughts of him. It really helps. I thought that I would share that with all of you. XO mamabets

[julsmom]

mamabets - it is interesting that you should talk about journaling. I went to a bereavement group which was based on journalling. I didn't keep up the journalling because I felt it was too directed, although being in the group helped a lot. I now journal on the computer (I hate hand writting) when I have particular bad days or another event moves me to write. I know it has helped along the way. May we all find peace on this journey though whatever means we can. Lynda

[mamabets]

Julsmom- Thanks for sharing- I needed to hear how others too, don't do what they don't have to do!! Whatever works for you!! There have been times that I haven't written in his journal- Too painful. I would like some advice on motivation, if anyone can help me. I get "alot done" on these websites that have to do with the loss of a child- But, now that I have found this, I am in one place and that is good- I know that depression plays a part here- What do others do when they feel as if they can't leave their house? I have been here before, and I am here again- I feel as if I am afraid that the world is way too big for me to take on- Can anyone relate to this? Thanks!! mamabets XO

[daveydow1]

Betsy,

Thanks for your post, and encouraging words. You said that

our children who have passed over would not want us to be

sad all the time. That reminds me of when Davey was a little

boy of about 4 or 5 and if I had some troubles and happened to

be crying, he would come and put his hand on my arm, and ask

what was wrong, and in his innocent child way, try to cheer me

up. I think that he would still want me to cheer up now, even

though he is on the other side and I am still on earth. Thank

you for reminding me of those bittersweet times, and giving me

hope and faith that I will someday see my son, and that all who

come to this site will see their beloved sons and daughters in

heaven. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

I can fully understand your anger towards the truck driver.

We have never heard a word from the truck driver who fell

asleep at the wheel and ran over our Davey's car, killing

him. It does seem strange, but that is how it is in my

situation. I have heard, through different people who had

distant connections with this driver, that he "feels bad",

"the accident ruined his life", and that he is "not the same

person he used to be". I can't help wondering if he ever thinks

that perhaps WE feel those feelings only a thousand times over.

I must say, that I don't hate this person, but I do have a

certain amount of resentment towards him for just remaining

silent. You mentioned the family whose minivan was run over

by a dump truck, killing 3 children. I feel so much sorrow

for this family. I would be willing to wager that the truck

driver fell asleep at the wheel, unless there is a known

reason for the accident. I did not realize that so many who

are posting at this site have lost children in accidents

involving trucks. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and for

the other families going through this tragedy. Peace be with all

at this site.

[daveydow1]

Julsmom and Betsy,

Thanks for your posts regarding journaling. I have kept a

journal too, starting about 2 months after my son, Davey's

passing over. I don't write in it daily, but just when I

feel I can. I do love the fact that you write your passages

TO Danny, Betsy. I have not written in that manner, but think that

it is a good idea to write to the beloved child. I believe

that at the very beginning, I could not even say, or kept

denying that Davey had passed over, so I began just writing

my feelings down. I still cannot write his name in the

family Bible in the DEATHS area. It has been 2 yrs. 3 mo.

since he passed over. I guess that someday I will be able to

record it, but it's too painful yet. Thanks for your help.

Peace to all.

[daveydow1]

Hello all,

My heart is heavy now. David's birthday is one week from

today---Sept. 26. He would be 34 yrs. old. How I miss

him and long for him. Thanks to all of you for being

the ones to listen to me. No others can help as all of

my friends on this sad road can do. Prayers/Peace to all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

DaveyDow1, my dearest thoughts and prayers will be with you through this time. We will be here for you. Feel free to pour out the feelings inside your heart. This is why we all come here, to share and care. My you be blessed with peace for the day.

To face the special days are painful, and we look ahead with sorrow. I'm already dreading and anticipating Jennifer's birthday, October 16. The thought of it makes me cry. My heart fills with thoughts for you, that you can be comforted tonight.

[Artina]

Daveydow,

Please know that I am thinking about you as you approach Davey's birthday. I know this is a difficult time for you.

I am approaching my son's birthday too, which is September 30. It's so hard to deny the smells that bring my maternal feelings to surface. Fall has always been a season that I "feel". I love it... but it hurts. Chris was my first born. He was my only child for seven years. I miss him so much.

Peace to you all, Tina