Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Renee,

I'm so glad that you have found a way to survive each day and I hope it continues for you, I just dont want to ease the pain, its that simple, maybe some day we can talk more in depth than here on a web site.

My only child Chris, who is in the Air Force, stationed in N.Carolina, just told me he was being transferd to Spain....for 4 years....it just never stops.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[rhonda68]

Dear friends thank you for your replys it really helps me to have you in my life your the only ones that understand this miserable place we all are at. Love you all!

Rhonda

[kathy714]

Hi,i haven't posted for a while,we went to a weekend camping festival that we do every year,i really didn't want to go this year without Nathan,and almost backed out.We went with a bunch of friends and really had a nice time,there were many signs of Nathan being there with us.There was a brown and black butterfly that followed me around all weekend,and my son had black hair and brown eyes ,the same color of the butterfy,everytime i saw the butterfly i would think of Nate,but in a nice way.I think i needed this time away.Ihave read all the postings,my heart goes out to all on this sad journey,and i pray everyday that we will all ,someday be with our children again,until then all we have are our memories...PEACE TO ALL,Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

Dear Aprilsmom,about taking pictures,yes i do feel the same way,i can not take group or family shots,on easter it was really hard,so my older son held a 8x10 picture of Nathan so he would be in the picture,that was heartbreaking when he asked to do that!!I do take lots of candid pictures though because one thing i have learned is how thankful i am for all the pictures i do have of Nate,i only wish i had video recordings of him. T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

I have not taken very many photos since my son, Davey's,

death. If I do take pictures, it is usually of scenery

or other subjects, not people. Since we didn't have a

video cam, I don't have any videos of my son. I have asked

some relatives that had videocams if by any chance they

had any with Dave in it, but sorry to say, there weren't

any. I do have lots of pictures of him though, for which

I am grateful for every one. I pray for you and your family

in your sorrow for the loss of your dear son, Nate. Peace

be with you.

[jscmom]

Picture's family pictures I hate taking them, but I do because I think I was so thankful to have hundreds of pictures of Johnny. The feeling of some thing is missing is so over whelming I have to take a deep breath and just take it.

Has this happened to anyone. On a recent holiday buying gifts and seeing things to by for our child have it in your hand to buy it and then remember...This happened to me it was terrible.

This was a holiday taken because of counseling advice. It was supposed to help. I felt I was to far away from John. I needed to come home. I feel so lonely for John and his hugs. Thanks for letting me share.

Stu; I can't believe it....yeah I can nothing surprises me anymore, it now just keeps me much more aware.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

heartbrokendad, my thoughts and prayers with be with you and your son. My deepest gratitude to him for serving our country.

[briansdad]

To all my friends here.

These are the lyrics to a song written by a woman named Cindy Bullens who lost her daughter to an illness.I know it's not easy to be in this frame of mind but I think it's something we should all aspire to.I just thought seeing these words from someone who has walked our path might help us.

Hang in there,all.

There's been a lot of things said about me Since that awful day

I'm not the person that I used to be And that I'll never be the same

That's true-no doubt

But I know more now what life is about

I laugh louder

Cry harder

Take less time to make up my mind and I Think smarter

Go slower

I know what I want

And what I don't

I'll be better than I've ever been

Maybe I'll be better than I've ever been

If someone told me twenty years ago That this would be my life

I'd lose the greatest gift that love can show I'd have said- No, I won't survive

But don't count me out

Sometimes I'm stronger than I've ever felt

And I laugh louder

Cry harder

Take less time to make up my mind and I Think smarter

Go slower

I know what I want

And what I don't

I'll be better than I've ever been

Maybe I'll be better than I've ever been

There's a curious freedom

Rising up from the dark

Some kind of strength I've never had

Though I'd trade it in a second

To have you back

I gotta try to make some good out of the bad

So I laugh louder

Cry harder

Take less time to make up my mind and I Think smarter

Love deeper

I know what I want

And what I don't

And I'll be better than I've ever been Better than I've ever been

[jscmom]

Briansdad, what a beautful song...bittersweet but beautiful.

Today I could not get out of bed until 2 pm, having no desire to a thing. I know John would not want this..just can't seem to find a reason to get up.

As his annivarsay dates approach my pain, sorrow , heartache comes out more.

I am trying to think of what to do on these days. I get comfort when I go to his gravesite yet as the days get closer I am having anxity like I did almost a year ago it is so overwhelming.

How are we supposed to go on with such a huge hole in our hearts that will never be filled. Sorry for being so long just feeling so sad.

[briansdad]

Jscmom,

I know the feeling about anniversaries Brian's is 9-30. It'll be the first.I'm just trying to get myself up as much as I can so I don't get too low when the time comes.Also you should never feel the need to apologize for feeling sad! You are more than entitled.I just posted the song to show that it might be possible to live again.I'm not saying I'm there by any means ,and what path someone takes is up to the individual.I hope you can find yours.

Your in my prayers.

[wnf4ever]

I have never posted on any message board before and it's beyond unfortunate that a time as tragic and horrible is this has me doing so for the first time. I lost my 25 year old son May 17. I know what you mean about anniversaries, as Warren would have been 26 on July 15. My daughter and I spent it together, crying a lot and reminiscing a little. This is still so unbelievable to me, I wake up each morning thinking I'm going to see/talk to him. I had Warren when I was only 18 and I just NEVER imagined my life without my beautiful boy in it... It's beyond heartbreaking... My habit was always to call Warren first, then my daughter Marcille with any family news, etc. I still find myself doing this and it just tears me up! I don't even know what I'm trying to say, I'm so LOST. I am looking for help anywhere I can find it. Thank you and I wish love and peace to all of you...

[starlight1]

Wnf4ever, I'm so, so sorry for your tragedy. As we all know, we should never have to outlive our children. I lost my 19 year old son 17 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. What has helped me some is believing that he is still alive, still himself, still my son but on the other side of life. I still want him here with me but it does give me some comfort to believe that his life continues and that I will be reunited with him agian someday. My heart goes out to you.

-Sandy

[starlight1]

Kirk's Dad...would you be okay with me using the poem "To Our Light, Keep Shining" that you've placed on Kirk's website? This touched me so and really says what's in my heart. I'd love to place it on David's website if this okay with you. Please let me know...

Thanks,

Sandy

[rmcaggiano]

To Wnf4ever,

I don't know what else to say, other than I'M SORRY, for the loss

of your son. I lost mine on May 8th 2005. I am still

searching for some answer, and I still haven't found it,

I have learned however, that he is with God, and he is keeping

him until the day his son,his sister's and I will all be with

him forever.

Please just try to remember this..........GOD IS WITH YOU,

HE HASN'T LEFT YOU! I was bitter and I hated God for all of

these months, and about a week ago, I have completely understood

that God is IN CONTROL of EVERYTHING.

The wound that is still BLEEDING and has seem to have swallowed

my son (Nicholas, he is 21) I know I can't pull him out of there

and it's a Anguish that is unbearable.

Again, I am so sorry, I too was looking for something and I found

this site. There has been one person in particular that I have been

or found some comfort in his words, (he knows who he is). I have had

to get into some serious therapy and on medication, or I know I

wouldn't function.

Rose

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Wnf4ever, I'm sorry you have lost your precious gift, your son. Time doesn't heal these wounds, your own heart does. Take care of yourself, and try to get the rest you need. Grief will come to you in many ways. Just be patient with yourself. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[kathy714]

Dear Wnf4ever,i am so sorry for the loss of your son,Warren,i to lost my son Jan31,2005 on his 21st birthday,and without this site i think i would of gone crazy.I come on everyday and read the postings,and i find comfort knowing there are others with a lot of the same feelings and thoughts,that i have.I will say a prayer for you to find the strength you need during these differcult times.Ito miss my son Nathan so much,i think of him every waking moment...T/C,MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU,KATHY,NATE'S MOM

[Artina]

WNF4ever,

I too am very sorry for your loss. I also had my son at a very young age and made him my purpose for everything- and I miss him. My son, Chris, crossed over on Jan 4, 2002. Beyond Indigo has been a great resource to me and the parent's here are very understanding- they know our pain. It has been almost four years since my son crossed over and life has gotten better. I smile, hope, have some goals and miss my son all at the same time. I have learned to live my life while I hurt- and I'm doing okay. I miss Chris always, but I don't hurt every second of every day. Please know that we are here for you and will do our best to reach out to you while we comfort not only ourselves, but each other.

Peace to you, Tina

[wnf4ever]

Thank you all so much for your kind and caring responses. I know you can all relate.

Tina – I appreciate your kind words. Warren and I were so close; I just am unable to imagine my life without him in it! I told my daughter that I lost half of my heart when Warren left us and she holds the other half! A friend I’d met through Compassionate Friends told me about Beyond Indigo and you are right, it helps tremendously. This is the most unbearable pain and each day I awake, I have to start all over again because I still think Warren not being here is a nightmare. I’m glad to hear that you are doing okay after almost four years. I know I will miss Warren always, just as you miss your Chris. Thank you for being there for me, I am thankful for that more than mere words can express…

Alwaysmyjennifer – I do try and get rest, but as of yet that just doesn’t seem to be something that I am able to do, not without medication, which I only take when I can go without sleep no more. I have NO motivation to do anything, I can barely get out of bed and drag myself to work each day. My heart is quite literally broken. Thank you, my thoughts and prayers are with you too.

Kathy, Nate’s mom - I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Nate. I will never forget that horrible telephone call I received and after that I’m pretty much a blank. It’s beyond unbearable. There are days when I feel as though the breath is literally knocked from me from the pain of it all. I feel that most times I am going crazy and a lot of the time I just walk around in a cloud, unable to focus on anything but my own grief and pain. Thank you for your prayers, I certainly need them and I will do the same for you. We do need strength and I am glad I was told about Beyond Indigo. As sad and tragic as this is, it does help to talk to those that know your pain. I miss Warren so much and I think about him every second.

Rose – There are no answers for us, of that I am sure. I have asked why, what if, and all those so many times, but I always come up empty. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. You are right, it is unbearable and as each day passes, I wonder how I got through it without my son. I go to a psychiatrist and see a grief counselor once a month and yes, medication including antidepressants of which I can never imagine not taking in my lifetime. Thank you for your kind words and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers too. I have a grandson that is due September 29 – Warren’s girlfriend is going to have his son. Talk about bittersweet. I am trying my very best to get through this…

Sandy – You are right, losing a child goes against everything, it’s just not natural. It’s not as it should be. I am sorry for the loss of your son. I have to believe that I will see Warren when I leave this world, that’s all I have to hold onto. There are so many days when I just don’t want to go on, what is the point? Then I see/talk to my daughter, my parents, my son’s girlfriend carrying Warren’s child – my first grandchild and I think that Warren would want me to hang in there to the best of my ability. I love him so much and I miss him every second, it’s definitely a constant ache. Take care.

[daveydow1]

Wnf4ever,

I am so very sorry to read of your loss of your dear son,

Warren. I pray that you may find strength each new day. It

is a painful road we're on. My son, Davey, died June 14,

2003. We must be kind to ourselves---especially in those

agonizing first months. Regardless of what advice we may

get from well-meaning people---only you can gauge your pace

in the grief process. There is no one set of guidelines for

everyone. I think that the new grandchild coming may lift

your spirits in a bittersweet way. My son was single and

left no children. I try not to think of it (possibly having

David's child) as it is a possibility that died with him.

I will be praying for you--that you may find comfort & peace

in some way, in the days ahead. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Starlight1,

I agree with your words about believing that your son is

alive, just on the other side. This belief has kept me

going too. I thoroughly believe that our lost children

are alive and aware in another realm that we cannot see

or know, since we are still here on earth. I believe that

no one except God can be in both realms. I keep looking

for, and finding little things that keep my belief alive.

Nature and dreams provide me with little "touches" that

strengthens my belief. Thanks for your post, and peace

be with you.

[Artina]

Well said Daveydow1. I too agree that our children are in a realm that our human eyes are unable to see- just like radio waves, miocro waves, sound waves, etc. .

Peace to you, Tina

[rhonda68]

Just wanted to let you know about a site I have been going to it has been really helpful to me and I thought it may help someonelse. Go to the compasionate friends site and its about healing the grieving heart by Dr.Gloria Horsley she has also went threw the trajic loss of a child. compassionatefriends.org. Also I have been listening to a song by George Strait "You'll be there" has been giving me a little bit of strength. These are awful harsh days and I want you to know I love you all and think of you all the time you are my friends. Since there doesnt seem to be many friends that stick by you this is another saying I have come across that has helped "Friends walk in when aqauntenances walk out" I have met alot of new friends and I am not even going to worry about the old friends anymore.

Love and Hugs,

Rhonda

[chumba]

To Wnf4ever: I stayed up one night after reading your initial discussion and replyed but it must have been too long because it hasn't appeared. I'm laughing to my self because I've never been able to say anything remotely short. Another website like this one that has been helpful is Daily OM and Beliefnet.com

Your recent reply sounds as though you're making some healthy progress. I lost my son in October last year so I'm gearing up mentally for a difficult time in the next three weeks.

To everyone: please pray for me I'm already hyperventilating in anticipation of my son's anniversary date. I've had to cutoff ties with my family as they only make trouble for me. As much as I want to be home because I know all his friends will be calling, I'm thinking about going out of town because I won't have my family for moral support (my choice) as they are toxic at the moment. I have zero tolerance for BS and phony well wishers.

Tomorrow I sing with the choir the song "Now Thank We All Are God" and I'll be thinking of each and everyone here in gratitude for sharing your pain and ligtening my sorrow.

[aprilsmom]

Thank you to those who added the last several postings. The sites are helpful, as well as the radio show from Compassionate Friends. Chumba, I have come to the conclusion that people/family just don't KNOW how to deal with us anymore. I had a really good friend that doesn't even talk to me anymore. I gave her a call the other day to break the ice and she very cheerfully asked if I was feeling better. I don't know what I was expecting; maybe I'm too...whatever?!To be honest I knew people in the past who lost kids and I didn't know what to say to them either - now I do, even if it's to show up on their doorstep with a box of plastic silverware for those horrific first days or to say, "call me if you need to talk, any hour, any time".

Please pray for me too, the one year is in Nov. Thanks much, Renee

[aprilsmom]

Briansdad- is there anyway we can hear that song? How beautiful and I think it might help April's siblings. Maybe someone here can correct this saying I heard for me: It's something like "God graciously collects those he (diligently?) perfects? Talk about a message. I started reading Hello From Heaven- neat book.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

aprilsmom, people in our society have these cute little words like "closure" and the like, maybe to give a motivation or justification to going back to work, or whatever. Some have a difficulty talking about death, perhaps out of their own discomfort with it or not being able to accept it. Here, we all talk about it openly, which helps us all heal. This is the beauty of this message board. With that, I guess I'm telling myself to be patient with some, who have misspoken, not spoken, walked away, or otherwise become other than the friends they were before.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Good night.

[kathy714]

Dear Aprilsmom,i find people seem to have a really hard time talking about death,and i use to be one of them,but i found when i went back to work ,a lot of people that had lost either a brother or sister or child welcomed the opportunity to talk about their loss.It was like when they saw me they were able to talk about something,they hadn't talked about in a long time,and i was surprised at how many people that i worked with had loss family members.Then on the other hand i have so many friends that don't really even call anymore,At Nathans service so many people said i'll be calling to make sure your ok and i can count on one hand how many have really kept in touch.I am in one of those feel bad for myself,really missing Nate mood,i have been sick for the last 3 days,and i come to realize Nate use to be the one who would ask me how i was feeling and if i needed anything.As each day goes by i miss him more and more,i'm not finding this any easier,as time passes I'm missing you Nate more and more!!!T/C ALL your in my prayers...

[jscmom]

Hello all,

Warrens Mom, I share your pain and sadness of losing yours gift of Warren, I am so sorry, all of us here know how you feel..again I am so sorry. Bitter sweet it is that you are going to have a grandchild. My son John died 10/10/04 without a child oh how I wish he had one but that is all it is a wish.

Chumba; I will pray for you to our son's passed in the same month same year I dread this day. My meds are not working as each day gets closer.

Aprils mom, God I KNOW what you are going through. Iam so thankful that my elementary school grilfriends have been by my side since John's accident until this day if it wasn't for them I don't know what I would have done.

I am lucky they want to talk about John they new him from birth, they have helped me a lot along with counseling meds and tears that just don't stop.

As fer as family, my baby brother has been my hero and my beautiful neice has been my angel for myself and my daughter as I am not strong enough to be there for her.

I miss everything about my son more each day. I have been told it will get easier BS it is harder, sadder and more hurtful. I did not think it would hurt more then when all of this first happened.

Thanks for letting me share my feelings.

I miss you more each day Johnny I love you forever 22

[griffinsmom]

aprilsmom, people in our society have these cute little words like "closure" and the like, maybe to give a motivation or justification to going back to work, or whatever.

I cant imagine how anyone could ever think there is a closure when "loosing" your child. Moving on, new life, even "new normal" is difficult. I only listen if it makes sense anymore. Otherwise, in one ear and ......

[chumba]

I\'m doing really stupid things right now in the wake of my son\'s anniv. date. I can\'t relate to my husband/he can\'t see me when I\'m right in front of him. I want to move somewhere else but If I do I live my Chris. I can\'t take my son with me. I can\'t get any relief from all this pain anywhere. Nothing feels good for very long. Thank God for tears. I don\'t like feeling the gloom and doom that always hovers over my head. I\'m scared and don\'t know what to do. I guess I\'ll have to try and find someway to keep my marriage together as moving is out of the question. I\'ll never leave my son alone buried in a cemetery. I hope this doesn\'t freak anyone out I have no one to tell this too. No one cares if I\'m dead or alive. But I do care and know I\'ll get passed this. I\'ll figure something out. I just don\'t like the area I live in and my husband will never move with me. Our relationship is neither here nor there. It feels empty and there\'s no joy. No frigging joy. I want my Chris back; how hopeless that sentence is? Dear God talk to me; show me a sign that I'll be all right. I don't trust my husband to watch over me. He's batting zero and doesn't even know it. The sun is shining and I don't want any part of it. What a pity party I can throw. Please don't anyone show up for this party, it's not fun and there's is no prizes.

[Michaelsmom]

I'd like to respond to all of you who have an anniversary coming up and don't know how to handle it. I lost my son almost 3 years ago. I was so not anticipating his anniversary until I read a response here in Beyond Indigo. It was getting as many balloons as you like and taking the whole family to the gravesite. We would then write on the balloons our own personal message and let them go up into the sky. What a wonderful feeling to watch them until they disappeared. I actually believe that my son had caught them. Recently, 9 5 months ago, I lost my oldest daughter. We did the same on her birthday this past labor day. The whole family was there. Her husband, children, aunt, nieces, nephews. We all sent our little messages of love. She is buried next to her brother and it did my heart good to see those balloons going up and into the clouds. I hope she saw them. I can only wish. Maybe this little gesture will help some of you - I hope so. Take care.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[rhonda68]

Dear Chumba,

I so know how this awful hoplessness feels. I cry pretty much all the time and all I want is my son back that is the only thing that will make me happy and no one around here seems to understand and it makes me feel so angry. Sometimes well alot of the time I just want to give up I cant imagine feeling any pain worse than this. I too feel like there is no joy no happiness I think the best we can do for ourselves is keep in touch with as many people that truly understand our pain and hopefully eventually we will make it. Love and many hugs to you I will be thinking of you.

Rhonda

[kathy714]

To those with anniversary dates coming up i will say a prayer that God gives you the strength and support to carry you through the up coming days.Although i have really no advise because i haven't reached the 1 year mark,but i can't imagine how i am going handle Nathan's because his birthday and anniversary date is both the same day.Iknow a friend of Nate's said he is going to have a hugh bonfire every year on jan.31 in honor of Nate.All i know is i am dreading the time between nov=feb,i already want to run and hide for the holiday's and if it wasn't for my granddaughter i would.T/C ALL my prayers are with those with anniversary dates coming,hope you are able to find some peace

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda68,i also have been feeling lonely and hopeless,and it seems to be getting worst as the summer is ending.I think of Nathan constantly,even if i hear a song on the radio,that is new ,but by someone Nate liked,i wonder "would Nate like this song?".I am having such a hard time dealing with the fact tha i will never see him again,not in this lifetime.Ican never feel his soft brown hair,i can never look into those big brown eyes,i will never see that smile he would give me when he wanted something,and i would know something was up.I still cry everyday,it's just normal for me now,i don't know what a day without tears is anymore and i imagine i won't for a long time.I'm glad you are finding people to talk with about your grief,and i did check out the C.F chat room,i liked it ,it would be nice if they could do that here.T/C you are in my thoughts,Kathy,Nate's mom...

[starlight1]

Chumba, I also understand your feelings of hopelessness. Although I truly do believe our kids are on the Other Side, I still miss my David so badly. It\'s been 17 months now since David passed. Sometimes I feel like I\'ll be okay and then I get knocked down into the pit again. I\'ve heard some bereaved parents say that the second year can be worse then the first. For me I don\'t think anything can ever be as bad as the first year but the pain is still difficult to deal with in this second year without my boy.

I feel very distant from most people although I\'ve mastered compartmentalization so most people (including my family) think I\'m handling this okay. I\'m not but I let me grief out when they\'re not around. No-one can handle the depth of my pain so it\'s something that I have to deal with on my own. I\'d like to join a TCF group but there\'s not one local to me. When I feel able to, I\'ll probably try to start one up locally. I really wish I had that support but do thank God for this site and these lovely people for their support.

I\'ve also been disappointed about the lack of support from those that were supposed to be my friends. There is one couple that my husband and I have socialized with quite frequently that have never even mentioned my son\'s death...not a WORD! No sympathy card (they did add their name to flowers from a group of people) but not a word from them. I sent best friend from high school and college an email telling her what happened. She sent one nice email and I haven\'t heard from her since. Although I know it makes people uncomfortable to speak/be around people that have lost a child, I think there\'s no excuse for friends behaving this way and I have written them off. That\'s probably not the best attitude but right now that\'s the way I feel.

When things get so bad I don\'t think I can stand it, I have to move my thoughts over to where David is now and knowing that he\'s still alive. I talk to him a lot and pray for him every day. I light a candle that\'s on a little table with his photo and the necklace he was wearing when he passed. All these things make me feel closer to him. I still read constantly about the after life, mediums, etc. It makes me feel better whenever I read them so I do so a lot.

My heart goes out to you and all of us on this site. We have no choice but do get through this but it is so, so difficult. I pray for peace for each of us and the knowledge that we will be reunited with our kids again.

-Sandy

[griffinsmom]

Chumba-

On the subject of moving, I can't imagine- although sometimes I fantasize about leaving. I raised Griffin here his whole life, and can't imagine really leaving. So, to avoid feeling trapped- I decided this is a great place to live, and we can always travel elsewhere and come home, if only for the weekend or three days.

I just know Griffin wants me to live my life, and give Gianna the best life possible (shes the 10 month old baby sister)- as hard as that is, Im working on it, too. It's hard to believe so many people are living in this hell we are experiencing without our children- this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I miss my son so much- just like the rest of us.

Take Care- peace to all

[julsmom]

To all who post - I've been away for a couple of weeks and I see new names. I am so sorry for all your losses. On 10/13 our daughter, Julie, will be gone 2 yrs. As we come to this anniversary I am having some real bad days, but I know there have been some really good days and that gives me hope. I believe our lives will never be what they were before our loved ones died, but out of this chaos will come some type of order. I hold on to those good days and try to ride out the bad ones. Sometimes a good cry and a brief nap and I feel better. I hope that everyone on these boards finds peace.

To Chumba - because of my husband's position we knew when we buried Julie that at some time we would leave this area and while I am sadden by that I cannot allow myself to believe that Julie resides there. If I thought she was alone there in the dark cold place (she hated to be alone and didn't like the dark) I would go crazier that I already am. I have to believe Julie's spirit will be where ever her family and friends are. I pray that you find comfort soon.

Peace to all Lynda

[chumba]

Thank you so much for being here for me. It so hard asking for help in my world. It is so hard fighting off being bitter, angry, mad, hateful, and disappointed with those whose family's are intact. My world is so unrecognizable and feels so foreign. It really is asking too much of me right now to be happy. Why can't people around me physically see through my disguises. They are all good people. This is the price humanity pays for putting the material world first and people last. I pray to God that I never lose my ability to love again. I'm not ready for Fall and already feel the chill. The sun has been my constant companion. All I can offer everyone here at this moment is gratitude. Please know without you I would have no one. You keep me going and that, you can take to the bank. Was that humor coming from me? Again, thanks.

[wnf4ever]

Good morning everyone -

What a weekend. I can so relate to what you say about actually losing friends that I thought were 'good friends' because they avoid me now at all costs. I've even tried calling a couple of them just to talk on a particular day when I was doing especially bad and it was really an uncomfortable silence on the other end. But, I read in a book that our tolerance level for these kind of things goes WAY down after losing our child and boy, I've noticed that to be so true. I read too that we tend to "weed out" the insensitive people and bring those closer that are sympathetic. I've told friends even, "Be honest with me, if you don't know what to say, tell me that!" I received a card from one of Warren's friends Friday and that got me crying and I couldn't stop. I called my daughter to read it to her over the phone and I couldn't get through it. He is making a scrapbook and wants some more photos of Warren. He told me Warren was just like his brother, he thinks of him every day, he spoke of his family all the time and he'd like to get to know us better once we are feeling up to it. Everything seems to trigger tears with both me and my daughter. My dad just turned 85 (his name is Warren too) and he can't mention little Warren's (that's what we all called him...) name without breaking down in tears and then we are all a mess! There are so many times when I just want to SCREAM at the top of my lungs (I have), WHY, this isn't fair!! My psychiatrist just upped my antidepressent by 10 more mgs., and I'm not even sure they're working. Tell me please, what in the world can help through this unbearable pain!!?? I look at his picture each morning and I always talk to him and tell him how much I love him and I miss him. I've often heard of people saying they are children are with us after they die, I like to think that is true - I want so badly to KNOW he's happy and okay!! When I first heard the news, I remember saying, "Warren can't be gone - he knows I can't handle it without him here, no way." Do you ever think back and actually remember any of those kinds of things that you said in the beginning?? I don't know why that thought popped to my mind, but it did. I wish each and every one of you as much peace as you can find each day and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you all so much for being here!!

Take care -

Marty - Warren's mom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Chumba,

I have not posted here for a while, its been very sad the last few weeks, for me anyway,

I have seen your posts, and am so sorry for your lose, I lost my daughter Carrie Ann, 11/3/02, and my son Matthew 7/16/03. Its almost 3 years for Carrie and 2 and 4 months for Matthew.

I have found that you can only count on one person in this life now, and thats you. I have seen friends go that I thought were my friends, I have seen family go that I thought would always be there for me, its not true. At least in my case.

I have even had my girlfriend leave me becasue she couldnt handle my grief.

I have been silent for a while, and have been trying to keep kids off of drugs, thats how my kids died....

Keep strong, stay well, and take care of yourself, grieving is hard work...

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[Michaelsmom]

Heartbrokendad, I'm thinking of you. As the only parents here at this website who have lost 2 children, I feel a closeness to you. I don't pray because I don't believe anymore, but I do hope that you have peace of mind. Today is especially hard as my daughter's birthday was on labor day and I had a party for her every year for 40 years. I always seem to come to this website when I'm having a bad time. October 31 will mark my son's 3rd anniversary of his death (yes, Halloween). Sometimes I don't know how I get through the day. Take care.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[chumba]

To:Wn4ever I remember initialling I cried into infinite space "where is my Chris." Now, I'm crying for peace of mind. I was really doing great and out of the blue I'm back to square one. I went into the barn this morning and looked up to the loft and, bingo. My son's couch is gone. I knew my husband gave it to his nephew but didn't really react at the time. Chris's couch was a source of comfort. I would sit on it and cry and listen to his music. I remember when my nephew took all of my son's clothes. It wasn't until I looked into the closet that I realized just seeing his clothes gave me comfort.

I started exercising on a core ball right after my son's death mainly because it was his. The only constant right now that brings me relief is exercise and music. I've lost so much weight that I no longer can wear his t-shirts as I swim in them. I'm at my goal weight. One good thing out of this whole nightmare.

Anyway, food for thought.

[briangeez]

my beautiful 20 year old son, brian left this earth january 1, 2004...he was a huge part of my life...he is my only child...at first it is surreal, then reality arrives, uninvited...you try to focus on anything that can bring you a moment of peace...i continue with therapy, read books, pray, and sometimes i write...i would like to share with you 2 poems, one written in the spring and one written recently in the hope that you can find some comfort, not only in my poems, but quite possibly, something you may write yourself...for me it is one part of how i comfort myself...

The sweetness of Spring fills me with the sweetness of you...

The softness of your skin...the strength of your embrace.

How can a mother return to her son, or son to his mother?

It can be done...the time before dawn and the time before sunset

Are the peaceful times of the day, when birds chirp and the soft

Winds blow...when the air is filled with you.

I know this to be true...for I have felt you at these times.

You fill the air with a glorious fragrance...you are as light as a vapor,

As strong as the love that fills my heart, as beautiful as the voice of

God, as perfect as the universe...

Oh how my body aches for you...precious son of mine...precious son of

God...until we meet again, during the peaceful time of the day...I will

Be waiting...always...

[briangeez]

the next poem:

The fragrance that was summer is fading

And my love for you remains.

You, child of God, child of my body

That kept you safe within...

As we enter the time of colorful shadows

And rustling noises, let me hear your voice again...

Let me feel your embrace, your warm lips on my cheek...

Let me feel you as you grow into a man.

My love for you grows with each passing day,

With each passing season, with each passing

Memory of you...

My body aches for you...wonderful son of mine!

You are present in the wind, in the rain,

The warmth of the summer passing

And the autumn of my life.

You are my love, my joy, my heart and soul...

Child of God...child of mine...always...

[julsmom]

Michael and Carolyn's Mom - May you get through these coming months. The lost of one child has been difficult but I cannot imagine the loss of two. There are no words that I can bring to you to comfort you, other than to say I am sorry.

May you and all who post here find peace Lynda

[daveydow1]

Briangeez,

Thanks so much for your lovely poems. They are an inspiration

and a comfort. I'm so sorry for your loss. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

To all who have had experiences with friends and family who

have failed to be of any support (or very little) in your

time of sorrow. I too have had these experiences from the

people I least expected it from. Their silence is hurtful.

Rhonda68--- You said once that you had that experience, and

that you do not need people like that in your life. I believe

that as difficult as it is to just forget someone who had been

a friend, it becomes necessary for our survival to leave them

out of our lives. Of course, we can't always cut these people

out if they are close relatives. My own mom refuses to even

mention my son, Davey's, name. It hurts, but I endure it so

that I don't have to sever a relationship with my elderly mom.

But, I don't make the concession for friends. I don't want to

burden them with my grief, so I keep away from them. This

message board, nature, and prayer are my allies. Peace to all

who come here.

[chumba]

To briangeez: Thank you for the poems--you take my breath away and have enriched my day. God Bless You and Yours.

[daveydow1]

A Love Song

The mention of my child's name may bring

tears to my eyes----but it never fails to

bring music to my ears.

If you really are my friend, please don't

keep me from hearing the beautiful music.

It soothes my broken heart, and fills my

soul with love.

(Author unknown)

A writing I came across after my son's death. It surely

expresses how we all feel about our lost children.

Peace to all.

I love you forever, Davey.

[kathy714]

Dear Wnf4ever,i was just reading your post,and i remember when my son Nathan passed it was on his 21st birthday,and when the police came to my house that morning to inform us that they had found Nathan in a bank parking lot,my first thought was no,it was his birthday,he wouldn't of done this,like this was not in the plans.Nathan waited forever to turn 21,and he had talked for weeks about different things he had planed for his birthday and this was not one of them ,it must be a mistake!!!And i remember each day after that waking up hoping it was a mistake,and i would find Nathan sleeping peacefully in his bed.But it never went away the nightmare never ended...