Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbeataway]

Oh Claudia,

This is the first time I've read about Joey's accident. I'm so sorry! I've read your other postings and how hard it was for you when you made the arrangements etc.

This is what I mean when I said that whenever I have a case of  "the woes is me", I find that someone else has much more reason than me.

I can only imagine .........

Blessings!

[daveydow1]

Veronicasmom,

On your dear daughter, Veronica's angel day, may she smile down

on you and warm your heart with all the wonderful memories that

you have. Peace & tranquility always.

      Daveysmom,   Sherry

 

Greg,

I hope you are successful in getting the lawmakers in your state to

pass the law that requires a certificate for a comprehensive course

on riding motorcyles before a license can be issued.  We had a case

here where two very young guys were racing those fast type bikes

on an old service road. Both were killed after going out of control, and

side-swiping each other while racing. Tragic loss of young lives. 

 Good to hear that your memorial golf outing for Brian went well.

 

                             Sherry

 

 

 

 

happened a couple years ago.  They  

[daveydow1]

Veronicasmom,

On your dear daughter, Veronica's angel day, may she smile down

on you and warm your heart with all the wonderful memories that

you have. Peace & tranquility always.

      Daveysmom,   Sherry

 

Greg,

I hope you are successful in getting the lawmakers in your state to

pass the law that requires a certificate for a comprehensive course

on riding motorcyles before a license can be issued.  We had a case

here where two very young guys were racing those fast type bikes

on an old service road. Both were killed after going out of control, and

side-swiping each other while racing. Tragic loss of young lives. 

This happened a couple years ago.

 Good to hear that your memorial golf outing for Brian went well.

 

                             Sherry

 

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Bonnie,

I can understand your sorrow and disappointment about the family

name dying, now that your dear Jason passed. We are the same---

our family name will also die. My husband was the only boy, and Dave

was our only son----so, no grandchildren with the family name. I am

grateful, though, to have grandkids from our daughter---two little boys--

one with Dave's name for his middle name.  Your story about "Gingy"

brings tears to the eyes. That was a sweet idea to have the 77 "Gingys"

made up with Jason's story attached.  Aren't those little things left behind

from our children just priceless little treasures ?  I have many such little

things of Davey's., and I wonder, like you, what will become of them. Who

else will treasure them as we do ?   Peace to you, dear friend.

                              Daveysmom,   Sherry 

[daveydow1]

lostwoher,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Kayla. It's hard

to find any words to say to you at this early stage of your grief. Just

know that all of us here at BI know the terrible sorrow and pain that

you are in. Please come back to this site, as everyone here understands

and want only to help if possible. Peace to you.

                 Daveysmom,  Sherry 

[ericasmom]

VERONICA's Mom,

May you feel your Girl wrap her love around you fortifying you in her constant heart. She will always be Your Daughter, lovely and bright.

I am praying for you, hoping that tomorrow somehow, you feel some peace.

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Veronica's Mom:  So sorry to be so late in the day with these wishes, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I pray your sweet daughter will flood your heart with memories that warm and comfort you. 

love and peace,

carol

[heartbeataway]

Thanks Sherry....

The picture of my husband sitting in his chair stitching Gingy's together is one I will carry always and smile everytime I think of it!

Blessings!

[heartbeataway]

veronicasmom,

May the "little white spirit" of Veronica and your love for her bring your heart comfort today.

Love!

Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, Thank You for your kind words. As you said, the loss of a child is the cruelest blow life can lend. i don't think the differences in how they go make it more or less difficult. Knowing that they are not here is the worst for us all. Bless you! I too loved the Gingy story!! Gingy... always making his way to the front of the tree. What a precious memory...

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, love the Gingys. It is indeed a great picture and a  wonderful way to honor your Beautiful Son.

I have not put up a tree since Eri left. Just can't seem to go there. Can't take out all of those special ornaments and put them up and have to take them down again. It is the taking them down and packing them away that aches in me. I never let a tree stay up more than a week and a half, just cause to me, it is special when it surrounds those dates and not started too early or going beyond the New Year. (makes me crazy that stores already have Christmas Crap up) But after packing up so many memories, so many boxes of things that are Erica, I find it too painful to do at Christmas. I just can't take her out and put her away again with each ornament or bell. Anyhow, we find ourselves able to take part in the holidays with our families, but it is quieter in our home now. Jonathan comes over on Christmas Eve or Christmas night and we exchange small gifts. He and his Dad do not do a tree either. Jonathan may want a tree if he marries some time, though I know it is hard for him too. Erica started planning for Christmas about 6 months early each year with her lists. She sure loved gifts adn was a great little gift giver herself. Anyhow, unless I am moved to have a tree all fo a sudden, I will just enjoy the glimmer from the windows of others and take warmth in the Christmas in my heart. One of my best memories, well there are a ton, but the first year in this house,Erica didn't know what to buy her stepdad, and I said he needs nothing but she felt funny withthat so Eri and I called an agency in town that provides services to recently orphaned or emergency foster care Kids. WE asked what was on the wish lists, and they told us that they still needed 5 dolls for 5 little girls requesting dolls. Three African American and one Asian doll, if we could find them adn one Peach skinned. So eri and I went out to many toy stores to find just the right dolls, and then went to Kohls to purchase pajamas and slippers for each child in need. So we delivered those and wrote my husband, eri's stepdad a note dn put it in the tree telling him that the gift we gave him is being opened by 5 little girls at Hepzibah House. That in his name we purchased these items. It was his best gift, and ERica and I had so much fun buying the dolls. Each year we have adopted a family to assist so that is what feels right, and now husband and I do it in Eri's name.

Last year i asked my student's families to not give me a teacher gift but to send anywhere from 1-5 dollars sos that we coudl as a class, adopt a family for the holidays. We were able to adopt a Grandma raising her two grandkids. We shopped on line adn the girls picked out clothing and brought in games to be given that were on her list. Likewise the boys chose the clothing on line for the boy, and picked out some toys for him. I was able to get Grandma a down coat as she hadn't a winter coat adn had to get to work on the bus each day. The kids wrapped everything adn took such joy in what they learned along the way. We will be doing it again this year.

Sorry, I went on adn on...God Bless All, Remember when you are feeling alone, we are all under the same moon.

dee

[mikesmum]

To all - Yes I am back.  It breaks my heart to see so many new parents beginning their journey.  For you, my name is Trudi and I lost my eldest son Micheal 17th Jan 07.  He was 31.  I have been here reading and posting for the past 18 months. 

Here is the place I have found compassion, empathy, understanding and such support that has allowed my one step, one breath at a time existence to continue.

Lori - Brilliant idea "Kourtneys Kloset'.  Something positive, something reflective of the spirit of your beautiful daughter.

Marion - Your journey is so new.  You are about where I was when I stumbled through the craziness and found BI.  Be kind to yourself.  Take each day one step and one breath at a time.  There is no guide for this journey, no easy answer to the thousand questions that come and go. As for the clothing, the quilt was something I ran across in my early days here.  Many made a quilt from the various items of their childs clothing.  A blanket of memories to wrap yourself in.  Memories of one handsome man.

I didn't get to sit with Mike before he died nor did I have to suffer seeing him after a major trauma. The ambulance crew had him resting peacefully on his bed when I arrived.  His eyes closed, hands crossed over his chest.  I spoke to him, brushed the hair from his forehead and held his hand.  The disbelief of that time is still with me today. 

We had a 'viewing'.  Mikes brother and sister wanted to see him one last time.  Steven held his hand,  Melissa spoke softly, neither wanting the moment to end. I held his hand, brushed his face finding it hard to let him go.....he looked at peace.

For those who have travelled with me, held my hand and know my story........I have returned from my travels.  Through inland thick forests to the wide open high country I thought of you Bonnie, of Jason and the Pinnacle Days......

Finding our way through to the coast I felt like I was coming home.  The sun, the water all part of my re energising. 

Never far from my mind the memory of you all back here and the significance of October for many of you.  You know my thoughts went out to you all.

For Kathy the intrepid traveller, so glad you spent time with your sister and parents.  It is hard to see them growing older, somehow we remember them much younger!

Each of us has lost our child.  All in various ways, at various stages of their lives,  the impact changing us forever.  

While I was standing in a old book shop fossicking through volumes of text a song began, my tears fell, the heartache overwhelming I was back at day one.  Its a song by Dido - "Here with me".

I didnt hear you leave

I wonder how am I still here

I dont want to move a thing

It might change my memory

Pictures attached from coast.  Take Care

[mikesmum]

Quiet coves along the coast perfect for rest and reflection. 

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, Welcome Back!! What beautiful photographs! I too am deeply touched whenever I hear that Dido song. I have that song as a selection on one of Joey's memorial pages, along with some others that I find very moving--In the Arms of the Angel by Sarah McLaughlin is another one especially fitting. Have you heard it?

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  Welcome back, and such beautiful pictures!  Instantly brought calm to my racing body...we are finallly moving, two weeks from today (no, haven't sold the house, just want to get moved before the snow flies)!   So glad you got some rest, and in such a beautiful location!  Our beaches are settling their sand for the winter onslaught, but still basking in the beautiful glow of the autumn sun.  Don't know if it was the wet summer or the extremely snowy previous winter, but the trees this year are just about the most resplendant i've ever seen.  Memories of fall must be gathered quickly, though...it seems to be the shortest of the seasons.  So glad to see you back

Dee:  Such beautiful memories you are creating for your sweet children in your class...they are truly blessed to have you for a teacher, and the lessons you are teaching them will stay with them forever, creating more memories for many others.  The memory of giving Eri's stepdad such a wonderful "present" will be with you always.  Of course, we had to keep the Christmas traditions going for the grandkids, and it was painful, so very much so.  As most kids, Mike LOVED Christmas...the giving and the receiving.  As if to confirm that we were doing what he wanted, last year, the second Christmas without him, I had to run to the store at the last minute for something, and "accidentally" wound up in an aisle with decorations...which I absolutely don't need so had no need to even be there.  As I was turning around to leave that aisle, my eyes fell upon an ornament sticking out, ready to fall off the shelf.  It was a new "Star Wars" ornament (and I normally totally avoid "themed" ornaments), and it was a triangle "cube" of pictures, and on the very front panel, facing me, was Mike's favorite picture from the first (back in 1977) Star Wars movie...I could hear his voice saying "here, mom, take this home!"  Of course, I did.  Later that night, Mike's dad put it on the tree and we held each other, and cried.  A few hours later, Mike's sister and I were across the room, wrapping presents for the boys, and I was telling her about how the ornament came to "live" with us, when we heard a noise from the tree.  We looked over and saw the ornament was actually shaking, and then it fell off the tree, onto the floor.  When we picked it up and put it back on the tree, the panel that swung forward to face the room, was the one with Mike's favorite picture on it.  And so, a new tradition is created, from afar....or, as Mike would say, from "a galaxy far, far away" which is the intro to that first Star Wars movie... 

Bonnie, your "Gingy" story...tears, but such a wonderful idea, and such a heartbreaking and at the same time, heartwarming, memory.  Will be thinking of you as you head to the Pinnacle for your sweet Jason...

love and peace,  carol   mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I missed you too! 

The pictures are of a beautiful place!  I can see how it would be peaceful and allow "pondering".  (I am from Virginia originally and I do currently live in Texas! )

I'm glad you had this time away.  Hope it was restful and restorative for you.

Through inland thick forest to wide open high country ......

Sounds and looks amazing!  Looks like you have perfect weather too. Thank you for sharing with us.

Sadly, yes we do have new Mom's joining us.  But, how blessed they found this place and some so early in their journey.  It will be a haven for their grief. I don't know about you, but it brings solace to me to be able to reach out and help someone else who is struggling.

I'm going to look the song up.  It's a new one for me and the words are intriguing.

Welcome back dear Trudi!

Love!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

You've been kind of quiet lately too.  I thought about you last night.

Your words,

 

Memories of fall must be gathered quickly, though...it seems to be the shortest of the seasons.

are so true!  I checked the internet last night and they are predicting rain for Pinnacle Days ....... that makes me so sad!  I hope and pray they are wrong.

The ornament story was precious. Mike really does have a way of communicating with you doesn't he? 

Take care.  I wish I was close enough to help you with your move.

Love!

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

Carol,

That is such a great story. I haven't yet gone through a holiday yet but I knew that christmas will be a hard time for me. Last year was my first christmas married and we started a tradition of each of us picking out an ornament that would represent us and then picking a family one out also. We plan on finding one for my son, Brayden, and hopefully will continue this tradition. I didn't lose an adult child, mine was stillborn in April but I have found so much more interaction on this forum and such good advice and support. Pictures were beautiful, glad to see you back.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

[mikesmum]

Claudia - Yes I have 'in the arms of an Angel' on Mikes page.  As for the Dido song, well I know I have heard it before, just that day at that time for no particular reason it held my heart and caught my breath.....I could have sworn Mike was with me.

Carol - I wish you a safe and trouble free move.  We are hearing so much here about the housing problems there it truly is a worrying time.  I have no doubt that Mike is with you throughout albeit from 'a galaxy far, far away'!

Bonnie - The weather was 'heaven sent'.  We travelled over 500kms through the vast forests to the coast.  It was a trip similar to those I took with my family when I was young.  I loved your story about the T Shirt......guess Jason wanted to be part of the day.....as he is each day.

I believe I am a child of the moon & water.  It might sound odd, but I almost felt as though a weight was lifted as I sat in the sun, wind on my face with the waves gently shushing on the sand......ahhh.

Read many books while away.  One I found in that bookshop was by Prof Hans Holzer & Philip Solomon called Beyond Death.  I haven't looked into the background but in my heart I hope that their findings are more fact than fiction.....

Take Care - Trudi

http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=10554&page_no=1 

Mikes page......

[daveydow1]

Dee,

Loved your story of the dolls and gifts you & ERi shopped for and

gave to the needy family, in your husband's name.  I'm sure the girls

were delighted, and it would be so much easier for Grandma to make

her way to the bus stop in a nice warm down coat.  I usually pick up

a card from the "giving trees" that are placed in the stores at the

Christmas season, and buy whatever is requested on the wish list.

Once, I picked out the card of a little girl 12 who wanted a  "babydoll".

Usually, by 12, girls don't necessarily want a babydoll. Her wish endeared

her to me, so that's why I selected her card.  I have put up a Xmas tree

(just last season), but my heart is really not in it. My two little grandkids

like it though, so I made the effort. Yes, it is a heartache to unpack those

special little ornaments that our children made with their own little hands,

or later on bought for the tree.  We put up the tree only 2 days before

the big day, and take it down soon after.  So difficult, isn't it all....holidays

without our beloved children to share it.........leaves a hole the size of

Windsor Tunnel.  Peace to you.

                        Daveysmom,   Sherry  

[johnnysmama]

It is like you all read my mind-maybe it is just we are holding each other's hand in this journey. I have been stessing over the holiday's coming(already). Your stories were so touching. Dee, I loved your doll story. You taught Eri the true meaning. Bonnie, still crying over Gingy. How special a gift you gave everyone-a piece of what makes Jason special-his Gingy. loved that.

 

Glad you are back Trudi-missed you.

Carol, wish I could help you move some boxes. I feel in my heart this is a good move for you. The ornament story is great-he is with you-not in a galaxy far away all the time.

Sherry-you are so strong and always thinking of others.

Sonya-hope you are ok

 

All our new family members-hope you are finding some peace and know we are here to listen with our hearts wide open to you.

 

Take care family,

Kay

[lostwoher]

To All;

I have tried many times to respond but Im not able to get the words correctly. My thoughts rush through so fast and I cant get them all out. Do know that I am here and reading all the stories. It is somewhat comforting to know that you all care but its so tragic so many lives have been twisted. I spent time outdoors at a community function today only to feel guilty for trying to clear my head and not 'think' about Kayla. Sure it was nice being around total strangers but I found myself looking for her in the crowd. So many girls look like her.  Holidays: how in the world do we handle that? You mean they still have to occur? Im thinking about working them all. I have things to be grateful for but not feeling much like giving thanks. Christmas? HA! Im not even going to get started on that one. I dont think I want to talk to the man upstairs for quite some time. That may be wrong of me but I have lost so much faith. Maybe in time but not any time soon.  Thanks for letting me whine.

Take care. Love and Hugs to all.

[mikesmum]

[user=23331]lostwoher[/user] wrote:

To All;

I have tried many times to respond but Im not able to get the words correctly. My thoughts rush through so fast and I cant get them all out. Do know that I am here and reading all the stories. It is somewhat comforting to know that you all care but its so tragic so many lives have been twisted. I spent time outdoors at a community function today only to feel guilty for trying to clear my head and not 'think' about Kayla. Sure it was nice being around total strangers but I found myself looking for her in the crowd. So many girls look like her.  Holidays: how in the world do we handle that? You mean they still have to occur? Im thinking about working them all. I have things to be grateful for but not feeling much like giving thanks. Christmas? HA! Im not even going to get started on that one. I dont think I want to talk to the man upstairs for quite some time. That may be wrong of me but I have lost so much faith. Maybe in time but not any time soon.  Thanks for letting me whine.

Take care. Love and Hugs to all.

Please don't apologise.....BI is here for us all to find our voice find a place in the darkness.

I still look for Mike especially if its somewhere we have both been.  Trying not to think about him - well there is a song by the Bee Gees (hope you remember them) its called 'how do you mend a broken heart'. 

The holidays are never going to be the same, yet I have two children and 5 grandbabies that have already lost so much.  Not only their brother/uncle, but the mother/grandmother they knew.  It takes time, but we have made it our focus to come together and hold tight.

Take your time on this journey, there is no rush, there is only time............

 

[mikesmum]

Claudia and Kay - thanks for visiting Mikes site.  I had forgotten these words...perhaps they will give some strength to those new here.....I know they held me together for so long.....

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead, learn to live with it one day at a time.

Just for today I will remember my child's life, not his, death and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments shared.

Just for today I will forgive all those who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.

Just for today I will smile, no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt for deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in the world I could have done, to save my child from death, I would have done it.

Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.

Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.

Just for today I will not compare myself to others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting my child by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.

Just for today I will honour my child by showing compassion and love to each one I come in contact with, as he spread love wherever he went Just for today I will seek to live life to its fullest, and in so doing, celebrate the life of my child, and thus, continue to keep his memory alive.

Author Unknown

[cameronsmom1]

mikesmum,

I love it! This is so perfect. It brought tears to my eyes. I found myself nodding through the whole thing. This is exactly how you have to think to make it through. Once you can think like this you have made such a big step forward. I have copied and pasted it in my blogs on my myspace page for our angel babies. They will all love it. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Amanda

www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

That is brillant and I do try each day-I do see I am able to do more on the list each day. Some days I can't do any. I am having more of the "just for today" type days though.

Hugs, Kay

[4everjoeysmom]

Yes Trudi! I think the poem could be a source of strength for newer ones here. It's worth printing and framing. I love all of the phrases, but this one sticks out to me:

Just for today I will honour my child by showing compassion and love to each one I come in contact with, as he spread love wherever he went Just for today I will seek to live life to its fullest, and in so doing, celebrate the life of my child, and thus, continue to keep his memory alive

I remember the driving force to keep me going on days that I wanted to give up was the simple fact that no one in this world loves Joey like his mama loves Him. No one in this world has a greater desire to keep his memory alive than his mama. If his mama doesn't stay alive and remind people that Joey was here, then how in the world will Joey be remembered, thus honored? These thoughts truly drove me to fight for my recovery... Thanks for sharing. ~Claudia

[johnnysmama]

Dear Lostwoher

You are not whining-that is why you are here. Also, i have learned 19 months on this journey there is NO right and wrong on how you survive this journey. It is YOUR personal journey. You move along your path to survive this journey your own way and at your own time. Last year I could not spend Christmas with family as it was too hard to do the same thing we always did with Johnny without him. The last time we saw him was the Christmas before he died so I knew I couldnt do it. But I have 2 teenage girls at home. So, I booked a cruise. Something I really didnt have the money for but knew I had to, to survive. It gave me an out for decorating and gift buying, wrapping, etc. I just bought gift cards and mailled them. It did help me survive. The girls have asked if we can be here this year. I still can't do the tree and decorations but my husband said  he will put up the tree-I would tell him no but I have to think about the girls. It will hurt me but my kids have always been first-as much as it hurts I will suck it up for them. Not sure about the gift buying. I have made it thru the holidays thus far by kind of escaping them as much as possible. Some people survive by being with family. I am going to try to do that this year for the girls and to honor Johnny. It is so painful with the hole left with our child gone. So, do what you need to do to survive.

Take care,

Kay

 

[lostwoher]

Thank you so very much for sharing this poem. I love it. Im sure I will say these words everyday to help me get through. It really hits home.

[heartbeataway]

All,

There is a book called, "The Empty Chair" by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries. It's on handling grief on holidays and special occasions. It's written to offer emotional support, comfort and spiritual quidance.

I read this recently:

Gentleness, is the soft virtue, the cloudy featheriness of spirit that allows you to move toward the person you love, and through each circumstance you face, in an easy, graceful, and gracious manner - touching delicately, listening openly, feeling with empathy, seeing with eyes of compassion. Gentleness softens the blows, cushions the sorrows, and lightens the burdens.   Daphne Kingma, The Book Of Love

Go Gently -

Love!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

I love the poem!  It's on the front of my refrigerator.  Thank you so much for sharing!

Bonnie

[mikesmum]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

Gentleness, is the soft virtue, the cloudy featheriness of spirit that allows you to move toward the person you love, and through each circ**stance you face, in an easy, graceful, and gracious manner - touching delicately, listening openly, feeling with empathy, seeing with eyes of compassion. Gentleness softens the blows, cushions the sorrows, and lightens the burdens.   Daphne Kingma, The Book Of Love

Go Gently -

Love!

Bonnie

Bonnie - this really is something.  It describes us here perfectly, we listen openly, feeling with empathy and we see with eyes of compassion.  Being here I feel Mike is not alone.  Like his mum he as found many that 'cushion the sorrows and lighten the burden.'

Thank you for visiting Mikes site.  It is hard.  I remember when I first came here there were links to Joey's site (Claudia) and Mike's site (Carol).  As I went through each one I cried and cried.  Someone else's child was gone and the love of their family and friends was there for all to see and share.  The love continued......The life would live on in these memories, these children would never be forgotten.

It took ages to bring together.  The photos, the songs, the memories all hindered by tears, lack of sleep and that ache of the heart that we all know so well.  Even now tears fall as I visit. 

Its a mild day here, sun with cool breeze and (aaachooooooo!!) lots of pollen.  Muttley and I are breaking in new sneekers.

Take Care - Trudi

 

[shorty16]

Johnnysmama, Lostwoher,

My family is 4 months (today) into this horrible grief of lossing our 16 year old son, Brian.  Christmas,  I thought the exact same way you both felt (Christmas is still coming?) and did what Johnnysmama did, but we booked 8 days, 7 nights in Miami Beach right on the ocean.  We also did not really have the money, but If I stayed here, I was going to go crazier then I already am.

Each day I feel when I wake up that I walk straight into this wall of grief.  It overwhelms me until I can say, "OK, you have to get up and go to work."  Most times, I make it.

THanks for listening.

 

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever.

 

[lolynbo]

well we went camping...fun but not the same since Kourtney is gone...nothing is...i asked my hubby how we are going to get through the holidays...he said "im just not thinking about them right now" but they are going to be here on us in weeks...

THE LAST THING WE DID WITH KOURTNEY IS WENT TO A DIRT TRACK RACE IN WACO OCT 28TH AND 29TH SHE COMPLAINED ABOUT A HEADACHE BUT WE ALL HAD ONE CUZ IT IS SO LOUD THERE...THEN WE WENT TO THE TRACK YR END BANQUET...NOVEMBER 3RD AND SHE STAYED HOME BECAUSE SHE DIDNT FEEL WELL HER HEAD HURT...SO AFTER THE BANQUET I TOOK HER TO THE  ER..THATS WHEN MY WORLD FEEL APART....THEN THE TUMOR BURST NOVEMBER 15TH...SO HERE WE GO AGAIN JUST OUT OF THE HELL HOLE WE CRAWLED OUT OF ...EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS JUST BEEN GONE 4MONTHS I LOST HER THIS TIME LAST YR.....I DONT NO IF I WILL OR CAN LIVE THROUGH IT AGAIN SO SOON....

GOD PLEASE HEAR MY PRAYERS AND HELP US...HELP US ALL AND HAVE MECRY ON US, WE HURT SO BAD FATHER...WE MISS OUR DEAR BABIES THAT WERE SNATCHED FROM US IN THE PRIME OF LIFE....PLEASE HEAR US FATHER...

[ericasmom]

To all of you new to this place,

I hear a familiar voice, a familiar cry...many of you are entering that phase where the shock is kind of wearing off, that 4-6 month time when the bits of you that were still protected from the shock of losing your Child is almost gone. It was there for a good reason, it protected you so that each day you could deal with the essentials. MOst of us did not know that there was any left, but like you, we found ourselves feeling really scared, anxious, and our nerves were raw, our ability to get things done dwindled. Sometimes the edges of the pain were just too sharp and we hurt, physically hurt from the hole in our hearts, the silence of Their loss, the thought of holidays without them. I know, we all know how that feels and we will hold you through it all. This first year is so very difficult, there is no book on how to do this. I heard one of you say, " i don't know if I can do this." When you are feeling this way try asking yourself what your Child would want for you? It may seem simple, it may seem indulgent even, but it isn't. What is it your Child would want most of all for you as you go through this sadness? I think most of you would agreee that your Baby would want you to try very hard to take care of yourself, to go out and find beauty if you can because they want you to see the beauty in the world. They need you to live your best life again, for them if not for yourself. Take the days they can't be here and live them fully. I don't mean right now, it is so soon, but perhaps to believe it is possible, that you can do this one day.

One Mom wrote that she felt guilty about trying to have a short moment without thinking of the loss of her Daughter. It is not  a bad thing to do this, it is you actively trying to find your footing in this new world. We are like aliens when we return to thei world after the funerals and visits from others are over. We walk the familiar terrain, and yet, we are strangers to this land, and often to ourselves.

Be kind to yourselves, physically and emotionally. I know that all of our Children would insist on this. Be kind because you are the Mom that they are smiling on, and loving for all of eternity.

My heart,

Dee

PS good to see you Trish, and love the photos and knowing it was a time of wonder for you.

Carol, I am praying for your move to be stress-free...well as stress-free as a move can be. Love the star wars ornament story.

Bonnie, no matter the weather, the Pinnacle Days will honor Your Son in beauty and with grace. Do you know how lovelyand helpful your words and sentiments are for the new parents here?

Kathy, give Tavian a hug from me, just thinking about him and holding him in my heart.

Oh, my little new girl who came to my class a few weeks ago is doing nicely. SHe is a doll, a real sweetheart. I do believe that she was blessed with something special when she was born. I am blessed by getting to know her.

[heartbeataway]

shorty16 and lolynbo and others new to this journey,

Four months is a blink of time in this journey. Your heart and mind can't even absorb thoughts of healing right now. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Time will make this blow to your life softer.

I think you have to come up with a new normal. We haven't found ours yet ...... last Thanksgiving was at our house.  I was numb ..... and we didn't get through the day without tears. However, it wasn't as bad as we anticipated.

Nothing is the same ...... it's like starting over in a way.

I've found that I get comfort in doing for others.  When I'm wrapped up in a project that involves someone else's happiness it makes me happy.

The stores are filling with holiday decorations and I even heard music the other day. Last year, I avoided stores.  It was too painful.

I have a pumpkin on my porch this year. I don't know how I'll handle Christmas at this point. I don't expect to have a tree ......

I know how hard this is for you guys. These days that bring painful memories and the memories of holidays past and the knowledge that future holidays will never be the same.

Know that you have friends here who have been where you are ....... we just hold each other close and offer support.

When the road gets tough for us individually, someone else steps up to the plate and goes to bat.

You will find that being part of this online family is a privilege, a blessing and will offer hope when your mind and your broken heart is sure there is none.

One day at a time, one breath at a time .......

Bonnie

[bbarbie55]

I wish I wouldn't see all the new people on here because that means there are more broken hearts and lives.

I didn't think I'd get through Bobbi's birthday two months after she passed but I did. The hardest for me is this second year that is coming up. The shock has worn off and now I know she isn't that phone call away. I think its actually harder now than what it was at the first because it seem as if life goes on for everyone else but mine still remembers. I have memories of her calling me from the hospital and telling me she had pneumonia and she was scared so was I because when a cancer patient gets it it usually means death. She held on for six weeks and then the blood infections took over. I think the hardest thing about this is she was sedated 99% of the time. She did write she was sorry for putting us through that it wasn't her fault.

I guess its worse for me because I watched her die for six weeks and couldn't do anything for her. The hardest part was telling her little boy mommy was going to fine and telling him he can't go see her yet. The last time he saw her alive was 3/12/07 and she died 4/24/07.

I will never forget her and will always have a empty space in my heart for my baby. Love you Bobbi.

Deb

[mamabets]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

arcforever,

March 2008 ..... I am so very sorry for your loss.

The "first" are hard.  I'm not going to even pretend they're not. Our son died April 28th, 2007. Mother's Day was my first significant day without him. I just wanted to be alone.

So, my husband and I spent the day together and we went for a long drive and then to dinner at a little out of the way place. Father's Day we pretty much did the same thing.

There are still tears almost every day. Today it was in the middle of Barnes & Noble.  My nephew called and he ask how I was doing. That was all it took .......

I still think of him before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning. This morning, I woke up just missing him and tears rolling down my cheeks hitting the pillow.

I think we are all different in our grief. Some determine to be strong and seem to glide through some of the grief process while others (like me) get bogged down and need to stop and "wallow" every once in a while. We were exceptionally close to our son.

We were on the verge of moving to Virginia to be closer to him and what was to be his wife. His Dad was going to join him in expanding his business.

I also don't know that it's harder to lose an only child vs one of your children. Losing a child is just gotta be the most cruel blow that life can lend.

I do know that it's hard to even think about the way things could have or would have been had he lived.

I felt I lost my identity when Jason died. I so loved being his Mom.  I loved being a Mom period.  If it were physically possible for me, I would have had more children.

Our family name ended when Jason died. That was hard too.

I will never have a grandchild with his quirky smile, his dimple, his strawberry blonde hair or hands like ours.  His hands were like mine, my hands are like my Dads.

I have boxes of his things labeled, "For My Grandchildren".  Things that use to be his.

Who do we pass family mementos to? 

Back to your question, the holidays .......

We had Thanksgiving at our house. I'm not sure how that happened. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Some family came from Oklahoma and Virginia and a sister and her family that live near us came.

I didn't have a "sit down" dinner. That was too hard. I did have a framed poem on the table with a smaller framed picture of Jason.  That was our way of including him.  We did pretty well that day.

Christmas, we went to Detroit and spent it with my husbands 83 year old Aunt.  She would have been alone otherwise.  I don't know when I'll be able to put up a tree again. All those memories!

We did do a Christmas card that was unique.  When Jason was in pre-school, he brought home a gingerbread man that his little hands made of burlap.  It was big and sort of ugly.

But he was so proud of it!  He ran in and put it right smack in the middle front of the tree.

Subsequent years, I would put "Gingy" on the tree but usually in the back somewhere. By Christmas morning, Gingy would have moved somewhat mysteriously to the front of the tree.

So, last year, my husband and I made 77 "Gingy's".  We took his Gingy to a nearby department store and took a picture of it on a tree.  We had a card printed with the picture on the front.  We added the story of Gingy inside. We added a tag to each Gingy that included the words to a poem I wrote:

"Please hang this replica "Gingy" on your tree and remember, "the little boy that was, the man who grew and the spirit he is today .... "

We've found it easier to be around folks who know of our loss.  We spent New Year's Eve with good friends.

Easter we had folks at our house again.  I find it easier when I'm busy and doing for others.

I guess I'm rambling.  I don't know if any of this will prove helpful to you. It's not easy to face the first holidays and I'm not sure it gets any easier.

Please email me privately if you want.  I will do whatever I can to help you cope and offer comfort.

Blessings,

Bonnie

:) THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL, Bonnie...There might be a beautiful Christmas here after all....Talk about an inspiration!!

Danny LOVED Superman. Each year as Christamas approaches, something moves me, and the tree goes up, and we just toss red, blue and yellow ribbons all over the decorations...Jackie, Julia and I did this the first year without him, and Dean came home to this tree that was all decorated and loved it...xoxoxo

LOVE

mamabets

[mamabets]

For all of our newcomers~ I am so, so, so sorry for all of you. Words will never be able to express...I know your walk all to well.

It has been 4 1/2 years since Danny left here. He is still so very much alive in spirit, and feels "closer" than ever. It is just a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE new way of communicating, and it is very difficult to learn how to live the "new normal"

I am, and have been very fortunate, to accept the help of doctors and medication. When I needed glasses, I got them...When my heart was frightened and shattered, therapy and medication has been the way for me to find my way through and around this nightmare. I am blessed in that I have accepted the help available to me, and my family has benefited as well. When I am better, so too, are all of them that, too, did not ask for this blow...

I owe it to all of them to do all that I can, when I can, to make this situation tolerable...

I am Danny's Mom..... When I need to thaw because I am frozen with sadness, I do just that. I take the advice that is given, and I listen to my Danny speak to my heart...

Never be ashamed to reach out for help. It is there, and I thank God every day for the direct phone line that was given to me with open hearts and love in the medical community.

When I was hospitilized, they brought me warm blankets. When I go to see my "team", as I call them all, I get such warm hugs. They tell me that they look forward to my visits because "you are so colorful", and for that, I am so grateful. Such a committed group. I am not alone there either.

I am proud to tell my story, because it is Danny's story too. His death has become the continuation of his life...xo

This Beyond indigo has been a lifeline as well. I have "met" many along this journey, and I call all of you my new family...Extended beyond words, extended beyongd indigo... My Danny is among such fine angels. All beautiful, all so fine tuned, each with a sweet note that makes for their beautiful music and their song keeps me going...Each and every angel here is a part of who I am now, and I thank you all for sharing your child/children with me and mine...

LOVE

mamabets 

[lolynbo]

I NO HOW YOU FEEL, WE WERE IN THE HOSPITAL WITH KOURTNEY FOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS TIL SHE DIED AND I NEVER SAW IT COMING, I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WOULD PULL THROUGH, IT WAS JUST A TUMOR SO MANY PPL HAD TOLD ME THAT THEY NEW SOMEONE THAT HAD ONE AND THEY PULLED THROUGH.....BUT NOT MY BABY I THINK SHE REALLY TRIED TO. BUT JUST GAVE UP AROUND MOTHERS DAY 6 MONTHS INTO THIS NIGHTMARE....I GUESS GOD OFFERED HER MORE THEN WE COULD AND SHE WENT TO BE WITH HIM....I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GET TO BRING HER HOME

[veronicasmom]

Dear friends--Thank you for remembering my daughter Veronica.  October17th marked the first year without her, and it was tough.  I found myself taking many steps backwards as my grief surfaced in its worse form.  I am better today.  This is what I posted in our local newspaper to remember her:

     In Memory of

Veronica Marie Gould

8/10/1978 – 10/17/2007 

It seems like a long time

It seems like yesterday

The memories are painful

The memories are sweet

 

We can see your smile and sparkling eyes

We can’t remember your sweet voice or touch

The pain of missing you is terrible

The pain of missing you is a bit more bearable

It is our burden which we embrace

Sometimes we can’t stop thinking about you

Sometimes we can’t start

We cry when we think of you

We smile when we think of you

We missed you then

We miss you now

We’ll miss you always

We loved you then

We love you now

We will love you always

It’s been a long journey

But we can now think of you

and breath

and smile

You were a gift

You still are                  (Author unknown) 

Forever young, Forever in our hearts

Mom and Dad, Michael, Adam

[heartbeataway]

Veronica,

Beautiful!  Be gentle with yourself. There are a lot of healing thoughts coming your way.

Love!

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

I see a lot of you worrying about christmas and saying you are not putting up a tree because it would be too painful to pull out all the memories. I haven't been through a holiday yet and since my son was stillborn I never had a holiday with him so the memories will not be what gets to me it will be the fact that I never had the chance. Those of you that are avoiding putting up the tree: I know that it will be hard and will be painful but what if you changed some things about it so that it will be more of a celebration. Maybe you could put up a memorial tree just for your angel. Decorate it with pictures or any kind of ornaments that would represent your child. Celebrate your childs life. He/She will be there with you and will guide you through this. You don't have to pull out all the past decorations that will be too painful to do without them. Start a new tradition and have the whole family involved. Maybe even ask others that will be coming to your house to bring something to add to the tree that reminds them of your child. He/She would love this and would so much rather you be able to celebrate holidays. And i'm sure there will be tears but thats ok. Of course you miss them and wish they were there but just imagine how beautiful this tree will be because of them. I started a new tradition with my family last year because it was my first christmas married. We each pick an individual ornament that represents us and then pick a family one together and every year we will add another. This year we will be picking one for my angel baby, Brayden, and will continue to add another one each year for him also. This will be my way of celebrating christmas with him. Hope you all can reconsider not doing anything for christmas.

Amanda

[heartbeataway]

mamabets,

Thank you!  When we post and find out that it was helpful it seems to help our heart too!

You said:

I am proud to tell my story, because it is Danny's story too. His death has become the continuation of his life...xo

I read this over and over.  I kept wondering how could death be a continuation?  ...of life?....

And then it became crystal clear. We are getting ready to board a plane and travel to Virginia for Pinnacle Days.  A Celebration of Life and Love. That's a continuation.

We are accepting donations while there to send to Johns Hopkins to help with research for ARVD/C.  The silent disease that took our boy.  That's a continuation.

The posts  to reach out and comfort others on the blog are a continuation ........

Our efforts to survive the hole in the middle of our universe whether it be counseling or medication, benefits or blogging, ....... are all a continuation.

Yes, Mamabets, our lives  are, or can be,  a continuation of the life our precious children. I strive to make Jason proud as I continue to represent him in this earthly journey.

Thanks!  Your message spoke to me.

Bonnie

By the way, do I foresee a Superman ornament in your Chrismas?  Or maybe just a cape?  Can't wait to see how this plays out! 

[heartbeataway]

Amanda,

We had traditions too .....

One was that every year we bought Jason an ornament that would somehow reflect on someone significant that happened during the year.  When he learned to drive, it was a car.  When he took up snowboarding, it was a snowboard.  When we vacationed somewhere, there would be an ornament from there.

I kept the ornaments and the plan was to give them to him when he got married. That would have been last Christmas. They are still boxed ready for him.

Another one was our Christmas picture collection.  We framed our favorite picture from Christmas every year and displayed them them all toggether. Our history of Christmas past in picture form.  This is my favorite tradition.

And then there's the Christmas stockings, that were always empty at bedtime and full in the morning.  Those were opened last and usually after Christmas morning homemade cinnamon buns ....

Every year, one gift was opened Christmas Eve.  I left them on the bed our last Christmas so they found them when they retired for the night.

And then there was Gingy ....

Tradition is the continuous passing down from one generation to another. We have 31 years of traditional memories that included Jason. But, that future generation is gone now.

Maybe that's what makes it so hard to unpack those memories.

Bonnie

[align=center]The picture is our last Christmas morning together. The gift they opened Christmas Eve was the pj's.

[/align]

[heartbeataway]

To all ...

We seem to be a creative group.  I need a little help.  I got this idea that as folks get to the campground and sign in, I want to have a "Welcome Bag" for them.

I don't want to get too carried away or spend too much money on them but I think it would be a nice gesture and a way of saying Thanks for coming.

So far, I'm baking mini-loaves of Banana Nut Bread, Pumpkin Bread, Apple Walnut Bread and Cinnamon Crumb Mini-bundt cakes.  I'm going to add a loaf to each bag.

I though maybe a bottle of water.  An agenda of activities.

But, I'm stuck with what else might be nice to include ......... any ideas?

We have t-shirts but since everyone has different sizes they will not be in the bags.  I also have the brochure and envelope for the fund raiser but I think I'm going to put those on a separate table.

We don't have sponsors this year or I would try to get something from them .....

Maybe the bag is a corny idea ........

Please share your thoughts ......

Thanks! 

Bonnie

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ SUPERMAN ornament last year, SUPERMAN something every year!! It started with the ribbons...

xoxoxox

LOVE

mamabets

[cameronsmom1]

Bonnie,

I guess i'm behind on whats going on but I was just going to ask what this was for so I could try to help with ideas?

[heartbeataway]

Amanda,

We're going to have a Celebration of Life which we now call, Pinnacle Days, for our son's birthday. He died almost 18 months ago.

We'll be at the camp ground where he died while attending a rally with friends. His ashes were spread at The Pinnacle which is at the top of the mountain.

A place he enjoyed spending time.

Friday night, we'll have a chili cook-off, fireworks and a glowing balloon release.

Saturday, we'll caravan in jeeps, etc. to the Pinnacle and visit his memorial. Then, we'll have a barbecue followed by music ( a band) and  a bonfire.

Sunday morning will be a waffle breakfast and maybe a softball game or relays.

There will be a moon bounce for the younger crowd and we might try to fit in some relays.

We had a great time last year and it wasn't very structured.  There are more folks attending this year so we hope it will be a weekend to remember.

The fall colors in the mountains are captivating this time of year.

Okay ..... any ideas?

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

Bonnie, That is so great. I love it! How did you come up with such an idea? So is this just a celebration for your son or is it almost like a festival?