Loss of an Adult Child

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Judith Fay,  that is terrible that you have lost two daughters - that is too much to endure.   Do you think that you will get the answers you need about Christina?   I think we all strive to find peace and to be able to remember our children with love and not be weighed down with issues surrounding their death.   

Being told to.  ‘ move on’    sounds a lot like   ‘get over it’   - neither of which we can do or should be expected to.   I am assured by parents who lost their children decades ago that the grief becomes softer and weaves it’s way into our lives rather than it dominating us - allowing us to love and remember them without the crippling state of grief of the early years.   I  think that we will never recover from losing a child  just as we never stop loving them - I don’t think that any of us expect to or indeed want to as a big piece of us has gone with them.    I’m not the same as I was and I cannot imagine that I ever will be again

.   You’re right that it’s difficult for anyone who hasn’t lost their own child to appreciate what we go through .    It is like no other grief .

Can I explain  - the early pages of Loss of an Adult Child  - where we are posting on now - was started years ago - 2005 .  Parents came and went , some posting for many years , but apart from a few popping in now and then they have been replaced by the parents who have posted over the last four years.   You responded to Mom of Justin - the earliest poster on these pages so she probably isn’t reading any more, however,  in the first year of losing my son I read back over old posts from all those years ago and found comfort in their messages and how they lived with their grief - you may do so too.

Roz

[NiquesMom]

I am so sorry for all the new people I see on here. Shel, anila, judith fay:  Please know I send peace and love to all.

Danielle, I am so sorry about your husband. It just isn't fair to continue to lose those we love and are our strength.

My husband is back in the ICU, he was at rehab for 4 days before sent back. Incoherent, disoriented, oxygen requirements increase from 3 liters to 60 liters. I feel like I let my guard down, got too hopeful. Maybe if I had been more cautious with my hope this wouldnt have happened. I know thats illogical but its how I feel. Same thing with Nique: I was trying to let her grow up, trying to stop worrying all the time since she was 18 and planning to move out of state and then BAM she is dead. 

I know if Christopher dies at least we dont have anything left unsaid. Nique was so sudden there are so many things I wish I could have said, apologized for, hugged her one last time. I didnt wake her up when I left that morning, I should have woken her up.

I guess thats one reason I am trying to go to the hospital everyday. Been going almost 4 months, almost everyday. At least I know I did all I could to let him know how loved he is.

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Shel,  Blake is your precious son and it is heartbreaking that he is gone - I’m so sorry that you are suffering so.

Roz 

[Judith fay]

2 hours ago, Shel said:

Hello I have something to say to everybody and I haven’t been able to but I’m going to do it now because because of Judith fay who is so dear in my heart right now my son Blake too died from an overdose of fentanyl and I haven’t mentioned in any of the previous Posts!!! My son his job was to save lives Which he  did so well but nobody was there to save my sons life! He inherited his father’s addiction gene which I thought if I would’ve understood more back then I don’t even know if I would’ve become pregnant I would never of done purposely what happened to my child I would’ve never of given him something so awful that he could not fight I feel like I let my son down in so many ways and I suffer with this every single second of the day! This disgusting drug is killing our children and I don’t see anyone doing anything about it these pharmaceutical companies should be shut down I am so angry and bitter and I want my son back with me! Judith fay  thank you for giving me the strength to come out and explain what happened to my son on June 16, 2021. Very very sad mom sitting here alone in Florida

I fill the way you do I am bitter and angry.

Since my daughter passed away. I just fill the need  to reach out to the people she knew who are doing these  drug and I alway say don't  let your mother be me. I have plenty  of people around me but I feel alone also. I tell them this is a Journey  I need to figure out myself. I have her kids here with me. I don't  let them see me cry anymore it upsets them..If you ever need to chat maybe we can exchange #

I am a sad mom too in Arizona

Missing My Christina

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Such a beautiful girl.  
 

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Virginia,  that is a step back for now.   I fully understand the fear of being too hopeful - it’s a bit of self protection I imagine.  
I hope Christopher picks up again soon but you will probably find it hard to relax .  Four months already -  So much to deal with.

Stay strong.  Roz

 

[NiquesMom]

Judith, she is so beautiful! We are originally from az but now in FL.

[Shel]

Judith fay, Christina is absolutely beautiful! And yes I would like to exchange phone numbers I am very angry  just like you and I’m so bitter some days I don’t know how I make it through from the morning to the night and then I repeat it again the next day all of us on this forum are suffering so terribly we’re here for each other thank goodness what are the ages of the children that you have with you that has to be so difficult sending you a big hug right now!

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia,  so sorry to hear this about the set back.  The games we play in our heads is exhausting. You are so thoughtful,  I wish I could be there in person to provide support.  Just know I am thinking about you and wishing you peace and comfort. 

Roz, I don't know what I would do without your support.  Thank you for being so supportive and always responsive even though your own pain. 

Shel you can't blame yourself,  I think we all feel we should have done more or just did things differently and we could have prevented the loss of our children. Don't feel like you can't share things with us,  I promise I won't judge.  

Judith,  your daughter is beautiful. Thanks for sharing her picture. 

Good night to all, 

Carol

[Shel]

Carol -  thank you so much for your caring and warm words! I don’t know what I would do without this forum and all the friends that I’ve met through our struggles.   I feel so close to each and everyone of you I just wish I could make things better for all of us and we could wake up without any pain and of course , have our children back!!!!

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia im so sorry about christopher , i really thought that we had not heard much from you because you were tending to him,,,,,it really breraks my heart!! how´s kyle? 

judith fay , christina is such a gorgeous girl ......im so sorry for all parents that have lost their kids to drug overdose or gang violence , which is also drug related !!!! i live in a country of close to 11 million people , with 60-70% poverty , a hard working middle class and some very rich people.......city outskirts are full of poverty in all major cities ; and everyday we wake up with 10 murders of kids 18-26 years old.....and then you drive in the major cities , and it is like any mid size city in the states .....brand new tall buildings , porsche, MB ,bmw  and ferraris where ever you go .....and you know that they are either owned by major drug dealers or money launderers.

and we have become so americanized that what we eat are all the major fast food chains and restaurants that we have in  the states ...... we have lost our identity

[Judith fay]

On 1/6/2005 at 12:30 PM, nefertiti said:

I lost my 23 year old son on March 5, 2003. I haven't been able to find anyone to talk to regarding this. Thank God I found this site. I haven't turned to drugs or alcohol (by a miracle) but only the good Lord above knows I wanted to and still do. My son accidentally shot himself in the head with his gun (he was drunk and was playing with his gun) when he wrecked and gun went off killing him. At least thats what we think happened. There are many questions that will never be answered regarding this. The inquest is finally going to be on the 27th of this month and I'm really not sure if I can go because not only are they going to be bringing up what happened when he died but also showing pictures. I know for a fact that I can't handle that. Does this make me a BAD MOM by not going? Someone please tell me

So dorry gor your loss if you dont feel luke you can don't  do it. I waited for 8 months to find out how my daughter died then another 5 months for the police report I regret  ev we r looking at it. it told me how she was found ..what was said.It just made it so much worse. I will never get my answers either and I dont know if I can luve with that. This is my journey  to on alone. Nonody under stands me. This is my  2 daughter to passaway . I never really  processed  the first daughter dying and that was back in 84.

I hope you find the peace you need 

You do whats best for you

[Lisa M.]

Judith Fay, I wouldn't be able  to look at pictures either.  It would be like pouring salt in a very raw wound.  It by no means makes you a bad mom.   You need to do what is good for you.  My heart goes out to all of you. 

[NiquesMom]

They have sedated and intubated Christopher as his breathing was declining. I an trying to remain hopeful but I know I have no control. So tired.

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Virginia,  You have been here before and Christopher was able to keep going - I hope that he will do it again without dipping back.

Your head will be all over the place - all these ups and downs .    You prepare for the worse then you are lifted with his progress .  
It must be very difficult to keep positive and be patient  - I’m so sorry that you and Kyle are on this rollercoaster.

I know you are tired - it will be taking so much out of you to keep going and to be carrying Kyle through it all.    I hope that someone is able to take care of you right now .

 Thinking and caring about you as everyone here will be doing.  Roz

[Shel]

Lisa and Michael I too Have those same feelings where if I have a good moment or a good day I feel so guilty for enjoying something if I am not thinking of him for that couple of hours I love my Blake so much I would do anything in the world to see him again I want to see him now in front of me!

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Micheal,  That was very interesting.  Thank you for the insight.   The world is changing and it’s hard to believe that it’s for the better. 
I live in a quiet seaside town in Devon, England - it can be very sleepy .   My daughter lives close to London and is used to it’s speed and energy.  We went up to London with her and her husband to a pub , a meal in China town then a show.  We covered a lot of ground that day and I have to say that for a lot of the time I felt a little frightened.   The crowds seemed hostile and impatient and I didn’t feel confident.  
Everything has changed.   I’ve changed too and it’s not an improvement.    Roz

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I’ve been having problems connecting to this site - it shows a SSL error and keeps me out.  I’m using an older iPad to make this connection  - it must be less sensitive  

I have reported the problem to Kelly just in case their license needs to be looked at or tweaked -  apparently it can only be fixed that way and not at my end.

If I find I cannot get access at all ( if this tablet fails)  then I just wanted everyone to know that this is what is happening and I’ve not just stopped caring.   Roz 

[Shel]

Roz- I’m so glad that you had a nice time in Chinatown With your daughter it sounds lovely!I do understand how you felt frightened I too feel that way in crowds or even going to the food market people are hostile and impatient all over the world! Thinking of you today sending hugs!

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Danielle,  Desperately difficult, sad and shockingly painful time for you.   I cannot imagine how you are getting through each day and    how you are facing the next .

Your boys must be hurting and as a parent you will be trying to protect them from all of this too.

As you get off your knees I hope you can find the quieter moments to steady yourself.

I don’t really know what to say that can help you but be assured that I do care .

Strength to you all.  Roz
 

 

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Shel,  That feeling of guilt is a common thread here.   I have found that I’m living my life on two tracks these days.  I do what I have to do that would appear as  ‘ normal’  to those around me.   Ordinary interactions in stores or out and about on walks  when I wouldn’t share anything about David .  Then there is the family times where I am a bit of a fraud - not wanting to bring everyone down but  hard to keep up the ‘happy’  acting me,   My husband and daughter do the same so we are all trying to lift each other but there is always a sobering feeling that all is not well and never will be again.   We all love David and miss knowing that he is ok and getting on with his life even though he was in Australia.    
So my two tracks run together , side by side, one carrying my grief and sadness and all the things that worry me over David and the other track carries my functioning everyday self.    It used to be a huge jumble of feelings but over the years I’ve gained a bit of control.
 I am never carefree but there seems to be a few things that I’m free to be truly happy with - children and animals for example.  I can giggle over daft dogs playing on the beach or children enjoying their day out .  There is no guilt over that joy.   I can now watch tv or such and get some enjoyment there without guilt  ( I couldn’t do that in the early days ) but it can still trigger sadness even over a seemingly innocent topic without warning.    I am sincerely delighted when I hear from my daughter or grandson ( David’s son in Australia) .   Where I really struggle is if I’m enjoying some music , especially if it takes me back to better times when David was with us, that enjoyment is wiped out very quickly - I feel guilty that I’m doing what David cannot so I stop.  
 

I am thinking about David always.   I’m not always thinking about my daughter to the same extent which seems odd as I love her totally and she is still living her life and has more for me to think about.    I think this is a bit of the notion that a mother is only as happy as her saddest child .  He is my lost child so I carry on searching for him.   I think we all identify with that search for understanding of our loss.

I’ve gone on a bit but I’ll not edit  - it’s heartfelt.   Roz

[Shel]

Dear Roz I read your heartfelt post and tears just fill up in my eyes where I can’t even go on and read! Everything you said is so real and at the same time so sad! And you are right the mother is only as happy as her saddest child.  I just wish the mother of Blakes newborn baby when he left this world would talk to me and let me have time with my grandchild but she’s in a world of her own and I barely talk or even see my my grandbaby there’s so much sadness going on it’s hard for me to function but I do on a daily basis I do what I need to do to keep my house clean to go to the doctors appointment to try to socialize with the neighbors but in my heart I’m dying!

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Shel,  that is very hard for you as having your grandchild in your life would , and should , be bringing you a degree of comfort when you need it most.     
It is always going to be extra hard to keep in close contact with grandchildren when their parent was our lost child.   We can feel like we have lost our own child and their children.    I think that for some parents where their lost child didn’t have children of their own then they feel a sense of loss for those grandchildren they will never have.    You do have Blake’s child in this world and you will play a part in their life .   What that part is is yet to be seen .   The child’s mother will be able to make it easier or harder for you so tread carefully.   I hope that she will see that the link you all share is a valuable one.     
Take care,  Roz
 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, reading your post about the 2 tracks is so true. I feel that my family does the same we don't show our deepest emotions as we try to keep each other up and not show the pain. I certainly hope you don't lose access to this site. You are such an important part of my life.  I look to you for insight and comfort. 

Virginia always thinking about you. 

Our world was turned upside down with the loss of children and I feel like Michael and Roz outside our homes the news is so dreary. Certainly doesn't help us to try and find a positive way to continue our lives. 

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Judith fay]

I am having a bad  time trying to process the death of my sweet Christina. I have had the same dream since she died. In my dreams she is telling me its not over mom.

That their is more to how she died. I fill  like she trying yo tell me to keep digging which I have and  i am finding out more and more each day. I CANT LET THIS GO

 

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Judith fay,   Are you getting enough support as you try to establish the facts surrounding Christina’s sad death ?   I can hear how awfully hard it is but how determined you are to get the answers you need.

Are you able to get any sleep or rest?    Your body needs fuel to keep going and even though it is the last thing you care about I hope that you can be kind to yourself .

I hope that you get the help and truthfulness you need from those who know more than they are sharing.  Roz

[Judith fay]

1 hour ago, Changed said:

Judith fay,   Are you getting enough support as you try to establish the facts surrounding Christina’s sad death ?   I can hear how awfully hard it is but how determined you are to get the answers you need.

Are you able to get any sleep or rest?    Your body needs fuel to keep going and even though it is the last thing you care about I hope that you can be kind to yourself .

I hope that you get the help and truthfulness you need from those who know more than they are sharing.  Roz

Thank You Roz. When i do slep it for about 4 hours. I can honestly  say i am running on empty. I am very determined  to find the answers I need. I told my husband as much has you want to help...This is my Journey  to take.. THe guy who know the answers her kids and I need is not talking and I know it would bring some kind od calm. I even went to his mother to talk mom to mom she basically  told me that its all my fsult necause I kicked out my daughter.  My daughter had her own Apartment she did not live with. I swear if she wouldn't  have shut her screen door I would have slap  her snd probably worse. if I had the answers I would have help who ever was asking meI need these answers. I am very determined to find them. I did get the report from the night she died and he told different stories  to 4 different detectives. I got her phone that she had in her hand when she died they didnt even look in it they gave it to me 6 months later and she had a passcode  and it was locked I used every password i thought it could be now i can access  it. The apple store said they would help me if i have her death certificate  and birth certificate  and show my ID but i will have to wait. The police report  made everything worse

 

[Changed]

Oh dear Judith Fay ,   Please don’t get yourself in trouble — that would only serve to make everything worse .   I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you though.
I hear you when you say that it is your journey to take as you try to uncover the truth but let friends and family help if you can .

It is an awful state of affairs when you are having to do so much of the enquiries yourself .   Do take care.  Roz
 

[Judith fay]

Thank You Roz, I  have my Grandkids . So I am trying to pull my anxiety  and anger  in raise. Thank You for listening to me rant. It helps when i can vent

 

[Lisa M.]

Hi everyone.   How I've missed you all.  I had so much trouble getting on.  I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.   I'm still struggling with day to day emotions.  I miss Don so badly.  Most days I'm just sad but others I am an absolute train wreck.   I continue to live his last days in my mind.  Please take care of yourselves. 

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Lisa,   I know that feeling - Each day is more of the same thoughts - on endless repeat.  It can feel like we are going crazy .  These thoughts are unique to each of us but I don’t think that many of us can escape them.   Maybe it is necessary for our processing of the terrible , world changing event that has devastated our life - it will take time.  

I can only speak of my own experience over the last miserable five years and what others have posted on here over decades!

I hardly noticed how I altered over time - it was usually when something happened that hadn’t happened for a while - like feeling nauseous and shocked that my son was dead even though I’d thought of it all day, every day for years - I’d stopped reacting so physically to that fact then suddenly it would reappear .    I hadn’t even noticed that it had stopped until it re-emerged .  
Public meltdowns stopped as I became more prepared for the triggers too.   Dave’s favourite snack would distress me when I spotted them in the supermarket- I decided to make them a reminder of the pleasure he got from them instead and give them a smile  - like seeing a friendly face.   That has worked fine.  
 

My point is that we learn to live with our grief.    Maybe some of it goes to a more dedicated place inside us so that we can function    rather than it overwhelm everything we do.   We will always love and miss our lost children - we will always grieve .   That doesn’t mean that our grief  will stay the same as the early months or even years - we need to be patient with ourselves .   Nothing is ever going to be the same as it was but it’s not going to stay as raw as it is now.   I’m sorry for us all - I know we are full of sadness and hurt but we can only do the best we can and be gentle with ourselves.  Roz 
 

[Shel]

Roz- You said everything so beautifully and thank you for that! 

[Michael Rodriguez]

thank you roz.....those words really helped 

[Mason’s Mom]

Roz, another wonderful reminder of where we have been and how far we have come.  

[Wanda linder]

On 1/3/2005 at 4:39 AM, momofJustin said:

Tiffany & Chris's Mom,

Thank you for acknowledging my post. It's nice to know someone out there is listening.

As I reflect on the last year without Justin I can see some really terrible changes that have affected my husband, daughter and myself. We have all three in different ways taken on some really destructive habits. My habit would be using over-the-counter sleeping pills just to get some sleep. I find I can't sleep without them now. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

I think I'm going to try and focus on making us a healthier family in 2005. Somehow I will try and muster up some strength and start fixing what has slowly developed over the past year. I think we're at a fork in the road, so to speak. So really.......... what choice do I have?

I love you Justin

Mom

Mom of justin,I understand completely how easy it is to grab on to bad habits while going thru this terrible thing that we are trying to get thru. I lost my husband 2 yrs.ago suddenly,and my son last aug.tragically. I am diabetic and 64. My eating habits have gotten all messed up. I'm trying to get back on track,but can't seem to get there. I think when we are suffering with this pain,we tend to look for whatever brings us a little comfort. I think it's prob. A very normal thing,but we have to try and take care of ourselves,somehow. I'm gonna be 65 this yr. And am trying to stay around for my sons 2 children,who are 12 and 13 to. Get older. I pray I can do it. Sometimes it seems impossible. I understand your pain,along with everyone on here. I'm here.

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Hi Wanda,     I understand entirely what you are saying .     I’m not sure if you have seen the posts on this site from Danielle - she lost one of her sons a year ago and , shockingly, her husband died just weeks ago.  She is also T1 so I think you may be able to offer each other mutual support along the way. 
We are a mixed bag of parents but we have an empathy that is difficult to find elsewhere.   I’m sure that you will feel it too .

I lost my son five years ago.  David was living in Australia, married with a young son .  I’m in the uk.  Dave went travelling the world and met his wife in Australia and stayed there.  He was a huge adventurer- loved trekking, climbing and sea diving.   I don’t share a lot of details about him on here - not because there was anything sinister happen but because his wife doesn’t want his life with her shared about.     I do share my feelings about my grief and find a comfort in the words of others here.

I’m sure we will catch up soon .  Roz

[NiquesMom]

Rough day.

Met my daughters boyfriends fiance. She is nice but so many of the same mannerisms as my daughter. They both have aspergers and it was hard not to imagine it was my daughter sitting across from me.

Kyle cried himself to sleep because he is scared his dad will die.

I don't think I am strong enough for this anymore

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 Virginia.  You must feel wretched.  You’ve not had a break for months from all this emotion .  Really hard to know that there is nothing  that you can do to put it all right  - you have to wait and react to each day and what it brings.    Not easy and certainly not fair.

The hardest part must be protecting Kyle.  You cannot give him false hope but neither do you want to give him no hope.   It’s understandable that he is distressed and that must make it even tougher for you.     I’m so sorry .   All of our children are so special and we’d do anything to spare them horrible times but you are probably already doing everything in your power to help him .   Is Kyle still seeing his therapist?  He got on well with her didn’t  he ?  Maybe  that could be a safe outlet for him to share his fears.  
 

Seeing Nique’s ex with his girlfriend must have been strange if you saw those similarities .   I wonder if he sees it too.   Glad that she was nice though and that it didn’t upset you.    Was there any comfort in it ?
 

I hope that you can keep up your strength.    Grab any chance you can for you and Kyle to switch off from it all and do something fun.   Absolutely necessary for your mental well-being and something nice and upbeat for you to report to Christopher even if he can’t fully share it at the moment..     Love Roz

[Michael Rodriguez]

Virginia , is christopher back in ICU? i remember suggesting that you take a break with kyle , which the poor kid needs too !! but i do not know if you have the strength ....is kyle back in school ? im just writing and trying to reach and say something that will make you feel better , i just do not seem to find the words . BTW , we have decided to exhume B  and get him cremated and take him back home with us .....i started all the legal process hopefully by the end of the month ill have my boy back home , in an urn .

 

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Dear Michael,  I think that you will find so much comfort in having B back home with you - it makes a lot of sense.  
 Take care, Roz

[NiquesMom]

Hi roz,

Her boyfriend does see the similarities but I dont think he knows how hard it was for me.  I am glad he found someone to be happy with but there really wasnt any comfort for me. They are here 4 more days, I will be happy when they fly back to california.

I asked kyle if he wanted to start seeing his therapist again but he said no. I told him he doesn't have to be scared to talk to me, its ok to cry and be scared. Told him I cannot promise anything except that his dad loves him so much and is fighting so hard to come home. It is a balance between being honest and not scaring him.

Hi michael,

Yes, christopher was sent to the ICU 10 days ago, saturday night his heart stopped again, they brought him back and he is back on the vent. I know kyle and I both feel defeated that he is right back where he was in september.

I hope it brings you peace to have B with you. I had Nique cremated and her urn sits next to my bed. I talk to her in the mornings and evenings even though I know it isn't her.

[Michael Rodriguez]

virginia i am so sorry , 6 months of eternal misery ......and having no idea of what tomorrow will bring ....

we have had some funky weather ....real low temperatures ( for our standards ) upper 40´s at night and rain , which is weird for us. and i could hardly sleep thinking of B being cold and wet, which i know it was not happening....so we decided to go thru the motions and bring him home ....it si a lot of red tape but i hope that in a few weeks ill have my baby back home where he belongs.....and having him in my night table sounds like a terrific idea ....i can talk to him hwen i go to bed and   i wake up

[Shel]

Virginia I hear your pain loud and clear and it had to be so hard to meet your daughters boyfriends fiancé! We are stronger than we think!   Please update us on Christopher’s condition.  Sending tons of prayers and hugs your way! Shel

[Danielle Masata]

Hello all.  I have been up to my eyeballs in paperwork.  My dear husband, who died not even a month ago, left wonderful instructions for all his investment/financial portfolio and that part was rather easy to deal with.  Funny thing how wealth management people want to help.  BUT, I am also stuck trying to run a household, which is practically destroying me.  I have to pay the bills-- credit cards and utilities & phone, internet, etc and it's all easier when done online, but everything was done by my husband.  Everything is in his name using his profile that he set up, his name/email address, his phone number.  It's been impossible to easily switch it over to me: new account number (which has no history of bills paid)  because before it was a joint account, new email, different phone number.  Plus how often do i need to notify everyone: all the credit cards, insurance, etc.  For awhile, I didn't even have one credit card.  And whenever I think I'm two steps ahead, I'm really three steps behind because something went wrong or I hit the wrong link.  With my son and his girlfriend here, I haven't yet had a chance to grieve. I'm still playing host: making sure everyone is fed and the house/kitchen is clean.  Drives me crazy when it's a mess.

Wanda: welcome here.  As you probably experienced, so many dear neighbors brought over goodies that my kitchen looks like a test kitchen in sweet, sweet, sweet.  Coffee cakes, brownies, cookies, more cakes, snack bars, banana bread, cannolis, bagels, specialty breads, and chocolates.  I love every bit and wish so much to eat it all, but try desperately to stay away.  And then, with one exhausting phone call after the next, it's either nibble, nibble, nibble OR just that my blood sugars go up due to the stress that I'm soaring again.  My son is a wreck when he hears my CGM telling me I'm high (again).  

I try to be patient and look back over my successes each day, including maintaining a level blood sugar so I can keep everything in perspective.  Like everything else, that's the goal: step back, take it easy, remember this is the hard part, and give yourself a break.  Oh sigh!  I journal and drink tea to help myself get back to a steady level.  I hope you too find something that can help.  This has been a stunningly terrible year of intense emotions that I thought could never get worse until it did.  I know I'm forever changed, and it's scary to think of the future.  Sad to think of the past.  Lonely to think of the present.  But we have each other for help along the way.  Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers and in your cyber hugs of support.

[Shel]

Danielle - you are such a strong woman look at all you’ve handled with all the grief upon you! Just reading your post I can just feel the intense agony and pain you’re dealing with But yet you have the strength of a mountain!   I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband!! But like you said we are here to vent to cry and maybe even a time to time a little smile sending lots of cyber hugs to you! Shel

 

 

 

[Danielle Masata]

Adding to say hello to the newest writers here: Judith (such a beautiful young lady), Shel, and Wanda, as well as my older friends Michael, Roz, Virginia (my heart breaks to read that Christopher is back in the ICU), Mason's mom, and Lisa -- and lots others.  So great you are still writing and helping me keep up with what's new in your life.  Michael, interesting to read your exhumed B and now having him cremated so he's by your side.  Good for you.  That's how it should be, and just as it was.  I still have Patrick's urn here in our house, his closet. Sometimes I just go there and touch the urn.  I wasn't sure what to do with my husband's ashes, but I like the idea that you'll have B's ashes near you.  Addiction torments the surviving family in so many ways, the roller coasters, the effort to stop. Deep down, you did your best.  No one, not even the addict, chooses to be addicted.

[Shel]

  Danielle - you said it correctly,  addiction is not a choice!!!! I blame myself, what more could I have done……

[Mason’s Mom]

Virginia, you have to be so exhausted. It is such a hard balancing act to be honest with yourself and Kyle without scaring him. I am sure having guests and to see the resembles to Nique are really hard.  I hope you will find peace that Niques boyfriend is staying in touch and isn't angry with you. It hurts that Mason's girlfriend is ugly to us.

Danielle,  the whole process of taking care of your loved ones finances is overwhelming. It seems to be never-ending and just when you think it is all wrapped up something else comes along.  I got mail in Mason's name last week.  It was an advertisement for insurance and just seeing his name and address was painful. 

I find it comforting to visit Mason's grave and seeing that others have been there and left flowers and other small tokens of affection. 

Michael it is irrational to think about them being cold but I have had the same thoughts. Mason was afraid of the dark and I keep solar lights on his grave and we buried him with a little lantern. My mind knows he isn't cold and in the dark but my heart doesn't. 

We have about 8 inches of snow and it has been so cold,  stuck inside makes the days so long. Mason loved the snow and I just keep thinking about how he would love it. I have pictures and videos of him playing in the snow. Still can't watch videos and some days pictures are hard too.

Peace and comfort, 

Carol

[Mason’s Mom]

[Changed]

Hi Danielle,   I was so relieved to see you writing here again.     Bit by bit you will get all your paperwork in order and you’ll feel all the more in control and confident for it.  
So you still have your son and his girlfriend keeping you busy around the house - that is probably a good thing you know as you adjust to everything that is changed.  
Your levels will stabilise once you get into a better routine but it’s understandable that they are giddy just now.

Of course you will have all kinds of emotions vying for your attention and fear of the future will be one of them.    Be brave and be sure to take your time .   There is no rush .   Everyone is here for you.  Love Roz