Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Deb - No matter what decisions were made or who made them at the time your daughter died, you were and always will be ‘her mum’. You gave her precious life. One thing I found hard in the past 10 months is the indifference surrounding Micheal’s death. A partner of 3yrs with no care or compassion made decisions that cost him his life and even in death continued to show little respect for him.

Earlier this year his partner sought a court order to prevent his family from contacting her or her child. This enabled us to subpoenaed statements made by her on morning he died.

She saw him at 9am, wasn’t sure if he was breathing and left him to have breakfast with her folks. She went back to him at 9.35am she still wasn’t sure so she went off to get her mum and dad to double check. At no time did she ring 000 (911). Even after he was declared dead, she called friends to ‘come see him’. Thing I didn’t know.

She dumped his ashes on a muddy river bank 3 ft from the water. He had always wanted to rest either with his grandparents or be scattered in the flowing waters of a mountain stream. After some detective work we found and retrieved them. Micheal is now home.

I live for the positive days now. While they are not predominant there certainly are signs of healing within our family. On Sunday we had our October birthday day. Four family members all celebrate their birthdays in the same month. The day was filled with good food, wine, beautiful sunshine and great company.

Micheal’s nephew Zak is 5 and asked his dad what was in the porcelain urn on the bookshelf in our family room. Steven explained that was his brother, Zak’s Uncle Micheal. Without missing a beat he innocently replied ‘how did he get in there, it isn’t very big’.

The day was filled with laughter; there were tears at the end. We all knew there was someone very special missing from our family. Steven still physically aches from the loss of his big brother.

Just when I think I will survive this nightmare, another reminder of the tragic loss is thrown at me. December 17th I am to attend a hearing to determine whether or not I was actually working on the morning Micheal died. Amazing, you might think that dispatching the Ambulance, supporting the calltaker giving CPR instructions and ensuring all my Operational requirements were met would be enough.

Our town laid to rest two beautiful souls (16yrs) that died in an horrific motor accident this past week. The loss senseless. My husband attended and we as a couple did a debrief of the young member of the community. The loss, grief and anger was palpable. In many ways it took me back to the early days of Micheals death. In another way though, much like being on this thread, it gave me a sense of healing. To be able to identify the needs of these young people because I was living where they were about to go. To speak with them of their rollercoaster feelings of loss, anger grief and despair allowed me to give something back when I felt I had lost everything from my life. Their parents lost their child after a brief 16yrs, I was blessed to have had Micheal in my life for 31 yrs.

My thoughts, prayers and positive energies are with those who stay and grieve.

Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all: It has been some days since I've posted, but as always, you are all in my prayers and thoughts, everyday...the weeks leading up to Mike's first anniversary were so difficult emotionally and also...we are in the middle of preparing our home to put it up for sale, and we have recently found our new home, getting financing, etc., all of it has been so challenging, and to leave this home we've known now for 16 years means stirring up all of the memories, the good times and the not so good times, all coming back to reflect on. I know that 16 yrs is not so long, but we have never lived anywhere before for more than 2 years or so...my husband was in the Air Force for 26 years. Of course, this was the home Mike mostly grew up in, and also the place where he died. I see the room where he passed as an entry room to his eternal life, and somehow that brings me comfort. What will I do when that is gone from my life, also? October 14th was his first anniversary, such sadness, mixed with joy from having his boys here, and we all went for a hike to a place that Mike loved and had taken his boys before, at the request of the boys, and they seemed to really enjoy being there. We sent up some balloons, and they had put messages to their dad in them. Although the sorrow of this day was deep, I know that Mike was with us, and I am so thankful for that. Also so thankful for those who have been supporting us with their prayers and thoughts and messages. You are all treasures. We had a trying week previous to his anniversary day, absolutely filled with sorrow and anxiety, but I do feel it is because last year, when he was ill and dying, I think I had made myself numb to all of it so that I could be strong for him. This year it was as if it was just happening for the first time. I felt so much pain over these past few days. Of course, on Friday I had to go to the cemetery to select his plot, and then that evening I had to meet with the stonecutter to design and order his stone. My daughter came with me for that, but the trip to the cemetery, unfortunately, I went alone and cried all the way home. This is such a backwards journey, isn't it? We are not supposed to bury our children. I should not have been selecting a burial site for my son...

Still, parts of Sunday were spent in the creation of new memories, with his children, and these are the things that help us to go forward, creating new memories and new rituals and traditions. Our daughter was here, also, with her boys, and we all had dinner together.

In the evening, it turned out that I wound up here, alone, as my husband took one of our grandsons home in one direction, and my daughter left to go home in the other direction. I looked at the clock and realized it was 7:10 pm; just one year ago, at that same time, my husband called out to me that I should come to Mike, as he was having difficulty breathing. My heart truly froze, because I knew what was coming...his final hour. And indeed, it was. At 8:12 pm, Mike took his last breath, as we stood by, helpless, and cried and cried. We were blessed to be here with him, and I am so very grateful for that. Mike wanted to die at home, and that was a wish we were thankfully able to grant. When I realized that I was indeed alone and the hour of his actual death was approaching, I truly fell apart. I was not prepared for such heartbreak to overwhelm me, and to be here alone when it happened. However, in my cries for help, my prayers, my becoming overwhelmed with emotion, I truly believe that Mike reached out and helped me to get through it all...in the middle of my losing it all, the phone rang, and it was one of Mike's dearest friends---Eric, the very person who was led here during the time of Mike's diagnosis and subsequent battle with cancer, to help Mike find his way back to his faith and God. I picked up the phone, still not believing it had been ringing, and I heard "Hello, Mrs. Johnston. It's Eric. I was wondering if it would be okay if I came over for a bit?" I said, "Eric, you could not have called at a better time." He was actually on his way when he called, so he was here in just a few minutes. He held me while I cried, and he was so comforting, so understanding, and just let me cry until I was able to finally stop. My husband came home 15 minutes or so later, and we were all together when the hour of 8:12 pm arrived, the hour that saw the end of our son's physical life just one year ago; truly the saddest hour of our lives. I know that Mike sent Eric to us for this moment, to help us get through it, to be with us and comfort us and allow us to comfort Eric, as well. I know that he is with us all the time, also, and I truly thank God for those blessings.

I have added some additional things to his website, some stemming from celebrating his birthday in August. Creating this website has truly been an effort of love and joy and comfort. Sometimes the memories just freeze my heart, but for the most part, it is one of the most comforting things I have been able to do since Mike passed away. Mike left such a legacy of love and caring and example, and I feel that by creating his website, it will all be "put down" for his children to turn to for comfort, also.

Mike's web address is http://James-Michael.Virtual-memorials.com

if any of you would like to visit. Some of you have already, and I thank you so very much for your loving messages, they truly do bring comfort to us.

Claudia, Deb (thank you so much for your beautiful movie of Mike--such kindness and thoughtfulness), Mamabets, all of you. Thank you all so very, very much. God bless, and you all are in my prayers and thoughts.

Deb - Momgran--as you approach the 22nd, may you feel peace and comfort and feel surrounded by your precious Pippa and Keiran throughout the day. Know that you will be in my heart.

love to all of you,

carol MIKESMOMRS

[Guest Guest]

I am new here. It has been 20 days since my oldest child and only son died in a motorcycle accident. I am so sad and just think I can't go on without him. I really don't want to. I miss him so much and just don't know what to do. Can this ever get any easier? How do I go on.

[darrylsmom]

Dear Guest, My heart goes out to you. I lost my only son in a motorcycle wreck , he was 41 y/o when the accident happened on Aug 24,06. It will get a little easier as time goes on. Instead of crying everyday I cry 2 or 3 times a wk. I still wait for him to walk through the door. I miss hearing him say I love you mom. He had a good heart. He got on drugs & he wasn't the same Darryl. I know he is in a better place but I still miss him. You have come to a wonderful place at BI. These people have saved my live. Please come back & talk. Talk about your baby, what ever feelings you are having. It will help you so much. Thanks to you all for helping me. I pray for you all. Peace & love, Darryls mom Joyce

[bbarbie55]

Dear Guest

I'm so sorry you had to come here I lost my daughter six months ago and I still have my days. The people here will listen and will be there for you on this long journey of sorrow. Keep coming back and read and post it helps to know others are going through what you are and your not alone.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Guest, I am so very sad for you and so sorry for your loss. I know there will be little comfort right now in anything said or done, as such a catstrophic loss and life changing event leaves us reeling and scrambling to take our next breath in the early days, weeks and months. 20 days, or 3 weeks tomorrow is very little time for even the numbness and shock to begin fading. I just want to say that all of us here have experienced most if not all of the emotions you have and will experience, as well as the mental and physical pain and anguish of such a loss. I hope and pray that you will be able to connect here in this family community of parents (mostly moms it seems) that have lost a child, and that you will be able to relate. Losing a child had left me feeling isolated, lonely, in pain, and not knowing where to turn to be heard or understood. I found here the compassion and support that was a lifeline for me through the most difficult of times when it seemed not even my closest longtime friends or my husband could "be there" for me. I have come a long way sicne I started this journey, as have so many of us here. Yet there are so many new losses too, and all stages in between. I hope in time you will be able to gain a hope that you can and will make it through this horrific storm in yoru life, and that you will have made friends here that you can know understand and truly care. You asked the question, "can this ever get any easier?" I think most of us here can attest to there being very hard days still, but in time it does become less physically painful. And while the wounds of our hearts will remain with us, we can find life, love, peace, and even joy again. We're a community forever changed by our losses, but we're also a community that cries, laughs, lives, loves and shares together through the precious memories of our children and all that they will forever mean to our hearts and lives. I'm so sorry that you have to be here, but I am so glad you found Beyond Indigo. My thoughts and prayers are with you. BIG HUGS, Claudia (Joey's Mom)

[shuugar]

You know Claudia; you said something that I've noticed almost from the beginning of my torment since James died, and that is how differently it seems to be for the men and how they react and handle this nightmare, James' father (although sad) seems to have been able to go on so much more easier than I have. My oldest son does not even want to talk about it where as my daughter is constantly talking about him.(less now than before but still at least once a day something will come up where he is mentioned) I think about him every day and at times it seems every minute

I can't help but think that in most cases it's the Mom that carries this sadness around with her the rest of her life.

I'm having a real hard time dealing with that.

I mean even his wife started going out soon after he died and his kids seem to be alright with that.

It's so frustrating to feel so stuck in the devastation of all that has happened while others seem to be getting on with their lives

[bbarbie55]

shuugar

I think men and the male gender on the whole hold in their feelings as us females let our emotions go so we can start the healing process. My ex held his feelings in and his heart gave out less than two months after our daughter died. I don't know if this is what happens but I seem to see it a lot in males. I also have seen some women who seem so cold with the death of their children I think they have no heart my ex mother in law is like this I guess its how you are raised. Boys are raised not to cry or show emotions. I think that is why my ex had his fatal heart attack trying to hold his feelings in.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Ah Yes! The differences of how the sexes grieve. In the very beginning my husband was like my knight in shining armor. He gave the eulogy at the request of Joey's dad, and he literally was like a rock of strength for all of us, me, Joey's dad and brother, my folks, Joey's friends--literally everyone that was close to Joey had talks with my husband and felt comforted by words he shared. But then a couple of months afterward it was like he froze emotionally and just went on while I felt burried in a foxhole of pain. I remember we had a visiting missionary here with us three months after Joey died and we all sat around the table talking. I couldn't stand it anymore. I burst out emotionally with how hard it was for me to even like my husband at that time because I felt he couldn't get in the hole with me, and I REALLY needed him to be there with me. He just couldn't do it. Later on I learned that the hole of grief and loss that I was in is such a lonely place and no one in their right mind wnats to get in there with me. It hurts too badly. I mean, I knew the depths of the pain and anguish of being in there, and I couldn't see past my own pain to understand that it's not easy for someone to just crawl in there with me. I learned a lot through that time. And in more time my husband was able to explain that he just can't allow himself to think sometimes for hurting so badly, so he just stays busy and whatever. I don't know that it's a healthy way to deal with trauma and loss, but it's his way, and we all need to deal with it in our own way. But wow was that ever a hard time for us. I wasn't sure for a while if we were going ot make it through that and it was a very scary time for us both. I guess that's why divorce statistics are so high after the loss of a child, because spouses have a hard time dealing with their own way of grief and expect the other to walk through it in the same way, and it's just unreasonable because our make up is not the same. A lot factors in, like our upbringing, as Deb stated, previosu traumas and losses in our lives, our faith, and so much more. But it's still hard. Deb, you make a good point of what can be the consequence of internalizing so much pain--the fatal heart attack. It's really sad, but stress and emotions can have such powerful control over our health and lives, and sometimes it feels like there is nothing we can do about it. I just pray and mussle my way through, even now after 14-1/2 months. It's all I can do. And yes, it does seem like more moms than dads carry the deep pain for a lifetime, but I think it's an illusion that is primarily present because men do internalize more. I have been really grateful for the men that have posted here since I've come on board a year ago, because they have truly helped me to understand how men grieve. I think it's harder for men sometimes because of the way they are expected by society and their upbringing to "be strong". My husband told me one time that he wanted so much just to fix things for me, make my hurt and pain go away, and he just felt so helpless. He felt even more helpless because he hurt too, and he needed to be strong for me, because it was the only thing he knew to do. I hate what society has done to us regarding loss and grief--the ld custom to mourn outwardly for a period of time has all but been done away with in the name of political correctness and others being "uncomfortable" with our pain. I think about things like that sometimes and how tainted our world has become concerning compassion, and for a brief moment I am able to feel relieved that Joey doesn't have to deal with that kind of garbage anymore--being a young man in a world that expects him to be a certain way. But then I start missing him again, and the cycle goes on... (sigh)

Guest--hope to hear from you again... Thinking of you and praying for comfort to find you somehow. Hugs, Claudia

[analisa4]

Claudia, Your words are very profound. You know the pain that I'm feeling and yet you are able to comfort me. I can't even comfort my other children right now. Tonight it will be three weeks since my son died. At times seconds seemed like hours and yet I can't believe that it has been three weeks already. I just miss him so much. I really don't know how I will ever get over this. I feel like everything is just meaningless. At times when I do smile or laugh, I feel a sense of guilt wash over me and then I cry. This just isn't how things are supposed to be. Life isn't fair and this isn't right. This just isn't right. I wish I knew all there was to know about my boys accident-what/why did really happen-why was he driving so fast and why didn't he see the roundabout that he hit? Maybe it would make sense then. It just doesn't make sense. I thank you for your kind words.

[summergirl]

Hello, my name is Kathy and I lost my beautiful daughter Jessica, February 18, 2006 at the age of 26. I have been reading this website for some time and I have decided it is time to try to join and talk. The first time I read it I could not believe that there are people out there who feel my pain, sorrow, heartbreak, anger, so much!! I felt, for the first time, that someone actually knew how I felt, it was almost like reading my own words. I hope that I can find some strength on this site and share feelings that I can't seem to share with my family and friends. Thanks

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Analisa, I'm so glad that you wrote again and signed on with a name that I can now lift up to God as I pray for your sorrow and your pain. I am so sad for what you are going through, because yes, I do know that pain very intimately. There is so much I would like to share with you in our journey together, and I do hope that you will stick with us here. I found more comfort here, reading and posting and connecting on BI than anywhere else I tried. The freedom to express yourself without judgement or having to be concerned that you might bring someone down or offend someone, well, it's just the best gift for a grieving parnet, to be able to release within a group of people who aren't afraid to climb into "the hole" with you, because we've all been there, are still there, and don't fear losing ourselves to help someone else feel not so alone. We truly are a family, a community here.

I can understand your not being able to extend yourself to the point of giving comfort to others, including your children. This is so raw, so new, so surreal, such a nightmare. I have one other child, Patrick who is one year Joey's junior. I was so concerned about him. After all, he lost his only sibling, and I know in the long term what that means--all of the things they would do in life together, like standing up at each others' weddings, being uncles together to each others' kids, sharing life and making memories for their own children, grandchildren and generations to follow. Patrick will still do those things, but he won't have his brother to share in those things, and that's cruel and hard. BUT I was so dumbfounded and amazed when patrick told me that yes, he does feel the loss and grief for all of those things, but he felt so horrible for his dad and I because he knew it must be so unbearably hard for us as parents to have lost our son. He was more worried and sad for us. I imagine a lot of kids feel that way for their parents in addition to their own pain of loss. I imagine many kids wish they could comfort us while we're feeling secretly guilty for not being able to comfort them. As I mentioned earlier, 3 weeks is like yesterday still. You've barely had time to surface from shock. There will be many emotions that you probably won't even recognizre at forst to surface as you do begin to come out of the shock. Guilt is one of those horrible emotions, and one of the first when we start to feel again. It ranges from survivor's guilt, to guilt for not having been able to prevent what happened to our kids--not having been able to protect them or save them, and also guilt for finding a moment of peace or comfort. I think sometimes our hearts need a little break and a good memory to make us smile or laugh so that it doesn't break to the point of physical eruption, but our minds tell us no, it isn't right to smile or laugh because it will look like I didn't love my child enough, or that I am not honoring him enough or grieving like I should. But there are no rules, there is no secret fromula to grieving. "It is what is is", to quote another mother who posts here. And it will take time for you to be able to balance the love and the breaking of your heart with the logic and anguish of your mind.

I remember feeling as you do after people stopped calling and coming by to express condolensces. It got quiet, and I started to think more. And I hated thinking, because what consumed my thoughts was the horrible image in my mind of Joey's last moments, what happened, how, why, the circumstances, where I was and why, and every little detail that tormented and twisted me up into knots of guilt, anger, desperation for answers, depression, just torture as best as I can describe it--complete physical and emotional pain and torture. It was two months after Joey died, and just days before my birthday, when we finally got the inquest ruling on cause of death. They said the cause is "undetermined". The investigators did a lousy job looking into things, even though Joeys dad called several times a week and we tried to lead them to various people to talk to. It was awful, and the ruling, "undetermined" only tells us what we already knew, WE DON'T KNOW. And we never will know, I am convinced and resigned to that, and it stinks, but it is the way it is. But you know.. I've thought about that a lot, especially in the few months that followed the inquest ruling. I hinostly don't believe it would have mattered one slightest bit if we knew more details, or if we knew less. Joey is gone, and nothing or no one can bring him back. Our circumstances were so horrible. Joey was killed by a train in the middle of the night. He was out with a group of people, ended up alone, on the tracks in the dark country, and was literally run over as he lay on the tracks, intoxicated, alone, and who knows what else. We don't know much of anything except stories conflict with evidence, and a weak investigation left things that way. We couldn't even view our son because he was in such horrible shape we were advised not to. I just cannot even describe what that felt like to hear those words. I remember asking if he was in one piece, only to get the answer, no. At that point I didn't want to know anything else. Having never had the opportunity to see my son, identify him, bury him, (we cremated and had a memorial instead), it was all so surreal, like Joey just went away somewhere and is never coming back. And that is true. He did go away. He is somewhere else, and not coming back. But what has helped me to get through that horrible truth is my faith, and I believe he is in heaven, where I will see him again one day.

I guess my point in sharing so much of that is to say that it didn't make sense to me the way Joey died, or even that he died at all. And I don't think any more or less details would make any more sense of it. Losing a child is not a natural order of the way things should be. We should never have to say good-bye to our kids like that. I know most of us don;t get the chance to actually say good-bye, and that stinks! But I don't think getting to say good-bye would make it any easier or less painful either. It's just anguish, and the greatest grief I have ever known or ever care to know. It's unbelievable. I had to let go of my "why's" and "what-if's". They would serve no purpose other than to ultimately keep me bound in the chains of darkest grief and despair. I don;t know much, but i know Joey would not want me stuck there, in that prison of darkest grief.

I still grieve my son. I still miss him terribly. The missing will never leave me as long as I am breathing in this lifetime. It isn't fair. You are right. And though I believe in God, His goodness and the Hope he has given, the promise of eternal life, I know I will never understand in this lifetime why I had to lose Joey, why Joey didn't get to stay here in his eartly life with us. It seemed like a cruel, sick, twisted thing God did to me. But I know it isn;t that way, really. Death of a loved one is so random. there is no rhyme or reason. I believe our times are chosen for us before we are born, but it doesn't help me to understand why we must endure such a horrendous loss and heartache. I mean, I know there is a hopeful outcome, that we will develop empathy and deep compassion, and will be able to help others who go through this, but I can't lie and not say that I would rather have my Joey back than to become some great wisdom about losing a child. I hate it! But I know there is a greater good that can come of this. joey did not die in vain. I won't let that happen. We have a great tetsimony to beautiful things that have come in the wake of our tragedy in losing Joey. I'd rather not have had to go through the tragedy, for sure. But I am learning to be thankful for the beauty that is rising from the ashes of our trial by fire. I didn't know that I could ever be thankful for anything again, or feel as much purpose to carry on, but I can and I do. Many more here are finding that too in time. There really is no method to grieving after such great loss. Honestly, I read a lot and learned more practically than ever by coming here and reading, and posting, and communicating with people like me. We're all different, but we share one common thread. It's a difficult life more difficult than I ever imagined. But I know it is equally still a good life, because there is so much goodness still here in what I have that remains, my son patrick, my husband Michael, my family, our ministry work, and so much more that adds value and worth to my comtinuing on through the pain and suffering. I pray that in time you will find that too. But it can't be forced. It will come in time. You need time to mourn your baby. When we lose our adult or young adult shild, we don't just lose that. We lose the baby too, because their whole life floods in front of us and we recall every tender, terrible, trying, loving, precious moment of our their lives here with us. That reminds me that I felt guilt too in thinking about moments with joey that weren't so good. I realized after a child dies, we perfect them. We want to magnify only the best of the best and somehow idolize them. I caught myself doing that and then thought, wow, that must be a hard pedestal for patrick to want to try to climb upon. But in time the terribly trying moments began to blend in with the rest of the memories. They didn't overpower. They just helped to add a little bit of silliness that made joey who he was, and as a family we can now share memories and laugh about the silly and even difficult times, because without those times mixed into the wonderful blyssful times, it wouldn't be our Joey we were remembering. Joey was pretty colorful in character, I do have to say. And saying that makes me smile...

Analisa, it helped me a lot to just write as my feelings were pouring out. I wrote a lot here, and I wrote a lot in letters to Joey that I journaled. Whatever release you can find to help you journey through your emotions is probably the most valuable advice anyone gave me, because trying to keep it all in for the sake of carrying on for everyone else, --whether it be the kids, the hubby, the neighbor, the job, the dying grandpa, whatever,--because keeping it all in only compounds the grief. It WILL surface sometime sooner or later, so do yourself a favor and let it flow now as it comes instead of trying to stifle it. If you aren't feeling in some moments and are laughing or carrying on with your surviving children, that is perfectly ok too. YOU are still living, and so are they. And if you can go through this as a family, sharing, talking, laughing, crying, whatever, you will be a stronger family for having gone through it together.

Please share about your son as you feel up to it. What is his name? We love to hear about our children, and we never, never tire of talking of them or speaking their names. That's what also has been so beautiful here. I can talk about Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey...my beautiful Joey, as much as I want and need to.

4 months after Joey died I began a web site in memory of him that his family and friends could visit whenever they miss him. It has been a huge blessing for many. When you feel up to it, visit Joey's site and some of the others parents from here have made for their precious kids. Maybe it could be a family project with your kids in time, those that would be interested to do something similar for your son. Joey is at http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/

Analaisa, you are in my thoughts and prayers... with love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Summergirl (Kathy), I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, what brings you here to join us at BI. But I am really glad that something sparjed for you here and that you decided to write. I cannot begin to tell you how much being here on BI, sharing and caring with other people who know my hurt and pain has helped me to begin my journey of healing. Please know you are not alone, and many of us are here for you when you feel ready to post. Share as much as often as you desire. We're here with you. Much love and BIG HUGS, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Kathy, I just read on another thread where you posted that you are not only grieving, but also raising your 5 year old grandson Tavian. How bottersweet that must be... I've made friends here with moms who have lost adult children and share their journeys as they watch their grandchildren grow, how much they are reminded of their children, how beautiful and painful that is all at the same time. I truly am so gald that you've posted, and I hope that you continue to journey here with us. i do believe you will find the "help" you need. For me, my "help" came in making wonderful and beautiful connections with people that somehow knew me, my pain, my life, and almost immediately these people were not like strangers at all. In fact, they feel less like strangers than most people I've known a whole lifetime because simply i am able to relate and connect. Loneliness stinks! And it stinks more when we are in pain and can't release because no one hets us. They don't know why we have to talk so much about our children that have gone, or why we can't just get over it. Frankly, I'll NEVER get over it. But I will come through it. Unfortuantely it just won't be alongside some of the all-knowing do-gooders that think they know better than I how I should manage my loss solely for the reason that they haven't had a loss like this. What makes them the expert? Isn't it ironic?! Anyway, again, so glad you posted. I look forward tro getting to know you and Analisa, and other parents who never plan or ask to be part of such a lonely club, but who are finding their way to our community of parents who have lost and are grieving. Bless you, & HUGS, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

and as all of you can tell, I don;t spell check..sorry for all the typos and hope nothing is lost in translation.

[analisa4]

Claudia, I had written a long, drawn out explaination of what I felt and what happened to my son, Nicholas, (Nicky while he was young and Nick as he got older). He was a rebel, always bal*s to the wall. He definately lived his life to the fullest and by the moment. He was riding a "crotch rocket". A motorcycle that goes WAY too fast...he hit a round-about and was ejected form the bike...they say that he died withen seconds...I will never be sure of that, because I was an hour away when it happend. I was told that I shouldn't see him because of the trauma his body was put through...and I regret that everyday...I want to know wnat happened to my boy, and now I never will, because I was a coward and didn't follow through with my wishes. He would get into fights and would hide from me, he didn't want me to see him hurt. Thats what my heart went with...we had him cremated as well. We also had a memorial, he had so many people there, who truly loved him...he was loved and I am proud of him. He touched so many lives...but how do I forgive myself for not seeing him for the last time??? Now all I can do is imagine what was...and that is terrifying for me. I relive what I know everynight and it isn't pretty...how do I stop? I just don't know. What I do know is that I am thankful for finding this site...you have helped me already...Thank you my friend...

[mikesmum]

Analisa4 - Welcome to the one place where you can ask why, and what if you can write volumes about your precious child and the hole in your existence that will never heal over. This is a place of grieving parents and family struggling with the mortality of a child can come to just be.

This is the one place where empathy, love, support and understanding flows freely. In this time of loss time itself is no longer a measure that is relevant. The overwhelming feelings are as intense today as they were 9 months ago when my son Micheal died. I now manage a couple of days of ‘sanity’ and have managed to regain my focus on the family I have around me. But it won’t take much to send me spiralling into a pit of why, what if, followed by anger, tears and total feelings of being lost.

Micheal’s death was investigated and this has now been widened to include is partner and her family. I have not resumed work since Micheals death. Being the EMD on that day and having my husband attend as a Paramedic brings another dimension to the nightmare that goes on and on.

I can only encourage you to visit BI as you need, be it to read the threads or to post your thoughts and feelings. You will never feel alone here.

I found much comfort from the threads and suggestions (such as Virtual Memorials) helped me through when all else around me failed. My first attempt is http://Micheal-Shane.virtual-memorials.com.

Take care of yourself, the rest of the world will survive as it always does.

Blessed be

Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Analisa, First a hint on using the board...You mentioned you had written a really long explanation. I am guessing either you decided not to post it, or you lost your post. IF you lost the post, it's probably because your login timed out after 30 minutes. I don;t take chances anymore with any of my posts, because I've lost way too many even in less than 30 minutes because of hitting the wrong tab or key on my keyboard, etc. The best way to post is to write your post in Word and paste it here on the board when you are ready to post, or to copy all that you've written here befre you hit the Post Now link. If you lose it and have to relog in to make the post, all you have to do then is paste what you copied. It is the ONLY real headache I have encountered in using this board, but it's easy enough to work around.

Our stories sound a little similar. Joey was definitely my rebel child. He was head strong from the moment he took his first breath. As an infant before he could even walk, he would have fits and rock on his knees, banging his head on the back of his dad's recliner, and he would just scream. He was actually having a fit when they took his very first professional photo in the hospital. I should have known then I had my hands full. I could tell you some absolutely zany things he did that would make you gasp and laugh at the same time. I try to laugh when I think about those things, because he loved to make people laugh. he loved to laugh. He crushed my heart many times with some of his rebellious maneuvers, but through it all I loved him unconditionally and always let him know I believed in him, that he had so much potential--and he did. He was an honor level student in college, last year of undergrad before heading to grad school to work on his Masters. He had some big dreams, and I believe he would have reached them all. But it just wasn't to be.

I had nightmares for a while about the image that was stuck in my head--Joey's last moments. The video from the train showed joey lying on the track, and he lifted his head to look toward the train, but he couldn't pick himself up. It showed that he dropped his head back down, and the rest is history. My heart shattered when I learned that he was semi-conscious. God I hated that and had nightmares about that damn train hitting my son, running over him and killing him, leaving him in such a way that I too did not have the courage to see him like that. I know EXACTLY how you feel, Analisa. Believe me! I know. If you don't mind my asking, what is your spiritual condition, your faith? The reason i ask is because I'll share what God gave me as a vision to replace the nightmare, and I hope it does not offend you. One night during a long string of nightmares I had a dream that started much like the others. Then as i saw the light of the train coming for Joey, he looked at it, and then the light became brighter and bigger. And in the breath of a moment I saw Jesus standing there, reaching out to Joey. He lifted him, and he carried him away. There was no train. There was nothing then, just Joey going away with God. He didn;t feel pain. He didn't feel death. He just took his frrst breath in the light and off he went. After that the nightmares stopped. I really do believe that was God telling me that he rescued Joey in those last moments, and Joey is with him, safe, WHOLE, perfect and happy.

I truly understand your feelings of regret and anger toward what you feel was cowardly in not seeing your son that one last time. I have had flashes of those same feelings now and again. But I know truly those feelings are coming from deep within the desperation I have to see Joey just one more time. Please consider that it is very possible that seeing Nicky that last time may have left images even more devastating than the ones you imagine because you didn't see him. Our minds and imaginations can do awful things to us when we are grieving. And our gut of reason tells us we should have done this or that, or another thing, because now we can't do anything at all but mourn and grieve, and wish, and long for our children. But it's a trap that we get snared in if we don't work really hard to find a way to replace those thoughts and images with something of peace. I think that's why God gave me that image of Him taking Joey like that. The light of the train became His light. And then he gave me a verse from the bible that helped me to vividly imagine that scene.

Rev 21:10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and showed me the holy city Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God,

Rev 21:11 having the glory of God, its radiance like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.

But you know, I won't claim that all was well after that. Even though I felt god gave me that gift, I got really angry with him for taking Joey away. I went through a lot of feelings of rage for a few months, and I took it out on my husband, which stunk! Do not feel crazy or be surprised if you have various emotions that you feel are out of your character or that you don't recognize. Grief is a cyclone for a while. But I can tell you the cyclone does retreat after a while, and then it feels more like waves--big ones, little ones, all kinds in between, and sometimes even peaceful calm. What you are going through right now is almost as if I turned the time back one year for myself. I feel so much pain for you, because I know what that is like. I lived through those same horrible images and emotions--that fear and thoughts that would completely take my breath away, leaving me gasping for my next breath and clutching my chest as if my heart were going to explode. I promise that will come to pass. It may not feel like it now, because I didn't believe I would survive that part either or ever find a way to climb out of it. But I did, and I know you will too. I'm here with you, and I will walk by your side here as much as you need and want to reach out to me. I can only share my own experience and how similar or different some things were for me in those early times. But I also can listen, pray fo ryou, cry with you, and walk alongside so that in any stage of grief you experience you will not feel alone.

When you feel up to it, please do share more about Nicky. I can truly imagine that in his first breath with God Joey was there saying, Hey Nick!! I'm Joe. I feel like I've known you all my life." And then I can just imagine them sharing stories of their shenanigans and laughing, and wishing that we didn't have to hurt so badly, because the pain is truly our loss here in this earthly life. They are happy and well, and I can only imagine how much more full and beautiful heavan is with the likes of our kids there now. I honostly don't believe they are missing all that we hoped their lives would be here. They are in a prefect and more beutiful place than we can even imagine. BUT, that does not make our pain and loss any easier, at least for a time, because we have to manage through the shock of having our lives, our dreams, our motherhood, our very core ripped apart like nothing we ever imagined. But we can do this. Hang on tight, my friend, and know that the sun will shine again for you, and very brightly as well. This is a very hard journey, but we can do this. The love that connects us eternally with our kids will guide us through. I know it! BIG HUGS, Claudia

[bbarbie55]

summergirl Kathy

We have a lot in common I lost my twenty five year old daughter six months ago she would have turned twenty six two months after her death I also have a beautiful grandson who just turned six. It still hurts and the holidays are going to be empty this year without her because she was always at my house for them I have another daughter its hard for her to lose her sister and her dad in two months timebut our family is handling it. You see my daughter got pneumonia right after chemo for her Hodgkins and never came out of it then her dad died of a heart attack two months later because of the pain of losing his daughter. So loss is hard even its a ex or not. I had to go to the same funeral home and church for both . So hang in there and have faith in what you believe in it will help and keep your mind busy and see a doctor if you need to.

Deb

[momgran]

Analisa4: I read your post earlier in the week but haven’t been able to find the words to express how deeply sorry I am that you lost your precious son in that horrific accident. On October 22, 2006 (it will be one year on Monday) I lost my precious 29 year old daughter and her sweet little 4 year old son in a road accident in South Africa. You are, no doubt, still in a terrible state of shock and disbelief and I know that at that stage I was in the deepest, darkest fog. The world seemed so remote, out there somewhere in the distance. I was no longer a part of life. I would like to say that it gets ‘better’ but I’m afraid it doesn’t really, for a while anyway. It does change, but I found that when the shock started wearing off the pain was more intense than ever. But I was advised to ‘let it out’ and that I did! Wailing, crying, kicking snowbanks, talking, walking, spent hours creating a memorial website and most therapeutic of all, I’ve been sharing with other bereaved parents on here. I cannot tell you how important that first step you made in reading and posting on here will be for you. I can now say that I am starting to feel ‘alive’ again and starting to feel somewhat normal and participating in life again. The pain is still there, but not as gutwrenching as it was in the beginning and I am having longer periods of peace. The memories of my precious ones are becoming sweeter and not as excruciatingly painful. Nothing can ease your pain at the moment but we are here for you…to vent….to express all those foreign emotions….for you to question life and the cruel reality you are now facing.

I, too, felt somewhat regretful that I wasn’t present at the scene of their accident and didn’t get to see their broken bodies. I questioned the survivors of the crash and they assured me they went instantly…they didn’t know what hit them. They were at the impact site when this huge transport truck hit them at a combined speed of 165 kms/hr. We decided that as their injuries were so bad we would have a closed casket and have them cremated. I no longer feel that regret. It was the way it was meant to be. I now have only memories of their healthy, living bodies and will treasure those memories forever.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as we travel this sad journey together. Hold on! We are here for each other.

Summergirl/Kathy: My heart goes out to you on the loss of your darling daughter Jessica. How dear our daughters were to us…our friends…our soulmates. I’m so pleased you’ve taken the step to share with us and I hope that in doing so, you will find a new path to your healing. This site has been my saviour!

Pippa was a big Rugby fan and tomorrow South Arica will be playing in the World Cup final with England! I will feel my girl and her sweet little man cheering her team on! GO SPRINGBOKS GO!!!!

To all my dear friends who’ve travelled this journey with me over the past year, Betsy, Claudia, Carol, Sherry, Trudi, your words have held me up and made me feel that I am not alone…and all of you who post here regularly that I may not have mentioned specifically!

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Debbie, I'm in the city (Quito) right now and have a lot of things going on. But I wanted to write in this moment, so I don't lose track of time, and tell you how much you have touched my life and my heart as well along your first year of traveling this grief journey. I remember when you first arrived at BI. It wasn't very long after that you began to share some very powerful insights about your grief journey as well as sharing the beauty of Pippa's and Kieren's lives. You've touched so many of us. I pray a wish for you as Monday arrives, as well as the days before and the days to follow, an abundant measure of peace and comfort as you reminisce through their lives and memories, through the love that still binds, and through a day that will forever remain as you are here a day that will never ever be just another ordinary day. My heart and prayers are with you... Love & Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Claudia & Sugar - Thank you for visiting Micheals Memorial site. It really gives a positive dimension to being able to see the beautiful people that have gone before us.

Working on the site has given me a focus that has bought me great pleasure. Remembering the good times, seeing photos I had hidden in boxes and having a place to honour my son. While the pain, loss and lack of normality in my life are mirrored by your stories, in Micheal’s death I find I have much to be grateful for.

Micheal died peacefully. He stopped breathing, there was no pain. I went to him once the Ambulance crew pronounced him dead. I got to be with him, to sit with him, hold him and cry. To see his face and know the peace he finally felt. I never had to make the decision to turn off his life support or identify him after an horrendous motor accident. I can only imagine the devestation of such decisions and events. We as a family were able to spend time to visit with Micheal before the formalities of his funeral. Something we wanted and needed to do. I have nightmares about not being able to save him both as his mother and an Emergency Medical Dispatcher, there is no doubt my life has been totally shattered. But with the BI ‘family’ and Virtual Memorials that show us the lives lived I find a peace of my own albeit fleeting.

Thank you all - blessed be.

[momgran]

Claudia: Thank you so very much for taking the time to write those thoughtful words! I don't know how I feel today...a combination of numbness and pain. It can all be so confusing, can't it. South Africa won the World Cup Rugby and my sweet Pippa wasn't here to see it and celebrate with her friends. Maybe she and Kieran had a hand in this It's only their second ever win.

Mikesmum: If you'd like me to add your memorial site to the page I created for our friends here at BI you can send the details to : dfbarton@sympatico.ca.

Also, if you'd like me to add photos to my next movie you are very welcome. The page is at:

http://katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html

Love peace and patience to us all!

Debbie

[mikesmum]

Debbie. Visited your website and was blown away by the beauty of your daughter Pippa and the amazing Kieran. Their lives while short, so rich in family, friends and community. The Celtic knotwork its history and symbolism was something Micheal and I both shared.

It is October 22nd here and I am struck that today you have two angels that surround you. To lose one is unbearable, but you endure the loss of two. My heartfelt thoughts are with you today. I read your thread and though not a Ruby fan, felt perhaps the change of fortune may have something to do with the support from a higher exisitence!

I would be honoured to take you up on your offer to add Micheals memorial details to your pages.

Take care and know that though they are gone they are never far away.

Blessed be - Trudi

[summergirl]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR FOR YOUR WORDS AND WELCOMING ME TO THIS SITE, ALTHOUGH IT IS THE LAST THING I EVER THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TO DO. LIKE LOSING MY JESSICA WAS THE LAST THING I EVER THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN. JESSICA PASSED AWAY FROM A RARE HEART DISEASE THAT NO ONE EVER KNEW SHE HAD. SHE WAS AT ST. FRANCIS HOSPITAL WHEN SHE WAS 18 BUT THEY COULD FIND NOTHING WRONG WITH HER. AFTER THAT SHE HAD A FEW EPISODES OF CHEST PAINS BUT EVERY TIME WE WENT TO THE ER THEY ALWAYS SAID SHE WAS FINE!!! SO LIFE WENT ON AND ALTHOUGH THERE WERE TIMES I WORRIED I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS JUST BEING A MOM. THAT NITE SHE WAS GOING OUT WITH SOME GIRLFRIENDS FROM WORK AND TAVIAN WAS STAYING WITH US AND I REMEMBER THAT I CALLED HER AS SHE HAD FORGOTTEN HIS BLANKET AND SHE SAID "OH MOM, HE WILL BE OK" BUT FOR SOME REASON I INSISTED SHE BRING IT AND SHE DID AND AS SHE WALKED OUT THE DOOR SHE TURNED AND SAID "HEY MOM, LOVE YOU" AND SMILED. THE NEXT THING I KNOW THE POLICE (FRIENDS OF OURS) WERE KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR AND THE NIGHTMARE BEGAN. I KEPT TELLING MY HUSBAND THAT WE HAD TO GO GET JESSICA AS EVERY TIME WE TOOK HER TO THE HOSPITAL WE ALWAYS BROUGHT HER HOME - NOT THIS TIME. I REMEMBER HOW SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS SLEEPING AND I KEPT TELLING HER TO WAKE UP AND EVERY THING WOULD BE FINE. MY HUSBAND COULD NOT GO INTO THE HOSPITAL AND TO THIS DAY HE GRIEVES SO DIFFERENTLY THEN I DO. THATS ANOTHER STORY!!

WE BEGAN A FIGHT FOR CUSTODY OF TAVIAN IN MARCH OF 2006 AND ON OCTOBER 4, 2007 WE WERE GRANTED FULL CUSTODY - IT WAS A LONG AND AGONIZING FIGHT FOR US AS A FAMILY BUT WE KNEW IN OUR HEARTS WHERE TAVIAN BELONGED. HIS "DAD" HAS NEVER LIVED WITH HIM AND IS 28 GOING ON 18 BUT THE SAD PART IS THAT HE WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THAT - MY HUSBAND AND I ADORED HIM THE FIRST 3 YEARS THAT HE AND JESSICA WERE TOGETHER BUT WHEN THE BABY CAME HE CHANGED. I HOPE SOME DAY HE COMES TO REALIZE HOW MUCH HE IS MISSING BY NOT KNOWING TAVIAN, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY TO.

I GO TO THERAPY AS WELL AS TAVIAN DOES. WE GO TO THE SAME PERSON ON DIFFERENT DAYS AND IT HAS HELPED ME ALOT AND IS SOMETHING THAT TAVIAN NEEDS AS THERE ARE SO MANY TIMES WHEN HE ASKS ME QUESTIONS THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER YET I ALWAYS SEEM TO FIND THE WORDS TO SAY AND THEN WONDER IF THEY WERE THE RIGHT WORDS!! I JUST KNOW THAT WITHOUT HIM I AN NOT SURE I COULD SURVIVE THE DAYS WITHOUT JESSICA. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO GO TO THE CEMETERY AND JUST LIE WITH HER AND NEVER LEAVE HER, I WORRY ABOUT THE COLD WEATHER AND WANT TO TAKE A BLANKET TO COVER HER. I LOVE TO TALK ABOUT HER AND THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SAY BUT I WOULD BE HERE FOR HOURS SO I WILL WRITE A LITTLE MORE EACH TIME. THIS HAS FELT GOOD TO WRITE AND I KNOW THAT I SOMETIMES GO FROM ONE SUBJECT TO THE NEXT WITHOUT A PAUSE BUT THERE IS SO MUCH TO SAY.

FRIENDS OF OURS LOST THEIR ONLY DAUGHTER, 19, 6 WEEKS AGO AND I HAVE YET TO GO SEE HER SINCE THE FUNERAL AND I KNOW I SHOULD BUT SO AFRAID OF SAYING THINGS SHE IS NOT READY TO HEAR YET - AS I REMEMBER EVERYONE TELLING ME THAT IT WILL GET BETTER OR EASIER AND I JUST WANTED TO HIT THEM AS IT DOES NOT - THERE IS NO WORD THAT I CAN FIND TO EXPLAIN TO ANYONE HOW IT IS AND I HOPE THAT WITH THIS SITE I CAN BEGIN TO "MOVE ON" AS THEY SAY. THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

[sooooo]

I want to thank each of you for sharing and for guiding the way. My son, David passed away only three weeks ago today and I am at such a loss. I want to "get back to routine" and you have all assured me (by what you write) that there is no such thing any longer. When I feel my heart pounding out of my chest and shattering to pieces, I know that I will get through yet another wave of agonizing sadness. When I cry myself to sleep yet another night and desperately need to know that he is alright and I beg God to hug him for me, I know that I am not alone and that I too can survive. My private pain is shared on these pages and for that I thank you.

[bbarbie55]

summergirl

Don't let anyone tell you it gets better you learn how to go on. My daughter will be gone six months on Wednesday and I still remember it all like it was yesterday and the pain is still there and I still cry you see I lost a big part of me when she died and nothing will never be the same. I get by my faith in God and knowing she is with him and my mom. So we are all in this together go back a few posts and find the poem about shoes and you will see how special you are. Hang in there and post here often and let your feelings out.

Deb

[Guest Guest]

Hello,

My name is Kathy, and my 23 year old son Danny died on October 6, 2007. He was hit by a train and died instantly. He was the youngest of my three children. I loved him so much, and I miss him so badly it sometimes seems like I cant stand it anymore. Danny was addicted to alcohol, and lead a transient lifestyle. He and two others were riding on a railroad container car, also referred to as a suicide car. He was under the influence of alcohol, passed out, and fell off. The rest of the train ran him over. I did not find out about his death until the 9th of October. His body was so badly mangled I could not bring myself to look at it. But, I was able to be next to him while he was in the body bag prior to his cremation. I found myself needing to touch the outside of the bag, and felt him. He was not in one piece. This may seem awfully morbid to many of you, but I apologize for that. I needed to do this or else I feared I would one day believe his death was not real. He was not married, and left no children behind. While I should be grateful that a little child wouldnt have had to grow up without out his dad, I keep thinking about how that particular line in our family is now gone. Danny lead a desperately hard life. I dont know why he chose to do the things he did. I will never know. And, I am just as you all are...I want this horrible, gut-wrenching pain to leave. I need all of you... Thank you all for listening to me.

Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Kathy, My name is Claudia. I've been posting here in Bi for a year now. I'm so VERY SORRY for your loss--the agony of how this happened, and your pain. I can honestly say that I can completely relate to you. And I pray that in time we can connect and find healing together. I lost my 23 year old son Joey on July 31st, 2006. It was one week nefore he would have turned 24. Joey was also killed by being run over by a train. He also was not in one piece. Alcohol was involved. And I was in another country at the time, so I couldn't get home right away. I arrived 2 days after he died. Because of his bodily condition, I could not bring myself to view him. We opted for cremation and nevr went to see his body. It was too unbearable for his dad and I. Our memorial facility director, a friend of Joey's dad, helped us by doing all that we needed, including ID'ing Joey. I know how you feel about losing your son, and in that way, and not seeing him grow to marry, have children, and so on. I am so, so sorry... My gut wrenching pain at this point in my journey is not every day, and sometimes I can go a week or two without falling apart. But just today I cried a good cry all afternoon. Our lives will never be the same. We will survive, and we will learn to live with our adapted selves, but it is a very hard journey. I would love to be your friend along the way if you would like that too. Please know I care and I cried when I read your post. My husband thought I got bad news from home, as I was chatting online with my surviving son at the time. I couldn't read it out loud so showed him, and he wept too. I so feel your pain, as if I just glanced in a mirror and saw my tragedy all over again. That's how deeply i feel for what you are going through. I know...

You are strongly in my heart and prayers tonight. I hope to hear from you again... Love and GIGANTIC HUGS, Claudia

[summergirl]

Hi Kathy, my name is also Kathy and I just recently found this site and have started to write. I am so very sorry for the loss of your Danny and I know the heart wrenching pain you have as I lost my daughter Jessica February 18, 2006. It is the worst pain in your life and although how we have lost our child is different, everything else is the same - the pain, the tears, the whys, the never ending confusion and questions. I go to sleep thinking of Jessica and wake up thinking of Jessica. There are days that I find myself living and laughing but still feel dead inside if that makes sense. I have spent so much of my time raising my grandson Tavian that I feel as though I am not grieving properly although I guess there is no "proper" way to grieve. He is the light of our lives and without him I often wonder if I would be with my Jessica, I don't know if I could have survived her death (still such a hard thing to say), I know that having her son with us (he is 5 now) is such a blessing and I thank God for him every day. I have so many things to say and as I read through these pages I see so much pain and so much loss it breaks my heart for each and every person "walking in our shoes". No ones pain is more than another and yet some days the pain is so intense I just can't imagine anyone can feel like I do - and then I read these pages!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope we can continue to help each other through this site.

Thinking of you and hoping to hear from you and sending hugs - Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all: I have been reading over the last few days' entries, and am so sorry for all of the new "members" to this club no one wants to join. It is so painful to see so many newly broken hearts, and I am overcome with sadness. I just recently passed our son's first anniversary, and though it was a truly painful, unreal time, the love and prayers offered from friends and fellow parents who have walked this journey have truly helped us make the crossing from "mike was still here this time last year, to "this time last year, Mike was no longer here." It seems almost as a passage from one room to another..though no different in a sense of sorrow. I find some days that have laughter, and peace, and some days when I am thrown right back into the pit and the tears flow endlessly. I am so thankful for all we had with our son, and so very sad that we will not have any more on this earth. I long for the day when we meet again, and meantime, I must try to live this life I am left with, as I know this is what he would want me to do. Living my life is the most loving way to honor his, and I am trying, one day at a time.

I do wish all of you peace and cherished memories that will find their way to your heart, to help you make it to the next moment.

love and peaceful moments to you,

carol MIKESMOMRS

Deb/Momgran: thank you again for your support...as we shared this sad week, and sent strength to each other to help us find our way.

[janjan]

hi kathy i lost my son on 8th october he was also hit by a train and alchol was involved i dont no how to carry on i cant leave the house and its not fair on my other 2 children my son turned 21 2 weeks before he died and leaves a 2 week old baby behind how can we carry on without them i am reaally feeling for you. i whish i could find a answer for you.

[analisa4]

Hello, I am truly sorry for all those who are in this "club" as some call it. I lost my only son in a motorcycle accident three weeks and five days ago. It really sucks! I don't know how to go on...Claudia you are an amazing woman. Your words are with me daily...I really don't know what to do daily except cry and read these posts. Some days I can't even cry...there are no tears to cry...although the need to do so is great. I just feel as though they are gone for now...Is this wrong? I so miss my boy. His smile, laughter, smell...will I ever remember? I think I have forgotten these things...will they come back to me...or will they forever be locked away? It has been a very short while since he died and yet, at tiimes, it seems like an eternity. Is this normal. How quickly people forget...no-one comes by and family even has started to stop calling...what is wrong with people? Where do I go from here? I am so lost and afraid. I feel sorry for my remaining children...they didn't deserve this. I am in no shape to raise them right now, I cannot even think of what lies ahead.

[mamabets]

Hi Kathy~ I am so, so, so sorry that you are here. I, too, lost my Danny in June of 2004..He will "be" 29 on Halloween...

Remember, if you can, that when you can't, one day you will, be able to remember..

"They whom we love and lose are no longer where thy were before. They are now...wherever we are."

~St.John Chrysostom"

A beautiful gift that just arrived from my kids best friend, Heather. A plaque with butterflies on it~

LOVE,

mamabets

 

 

[summergirl]

Hello, I feel your pain so much as I too go through days when I don't cry and I wonder whats wrong with me. I know sometimes I tell myself that I must put Jessica aside for a little while as the pain is just to intense for me to bare. Not to long ago I was going through some pictures and I came across one of Jessica and I began to cry uncontrollably, I ran down the stairs and outside and found my husband, I was crying so hard and I showed him the picture and said "this is what Jess looked like, I forgot what she looked like" and he just held me and said I didn't forget. It was so scary for me as I know that I didn't forget but at that moment it is how I felt. I have many "moments". I took five weeks off work when Jess left us and I painted my entire house - it's like I could not stop moving or I would just crawl into bed and never get up. Your right, people stop coming around or calling but it is because they don't know what to say, I felt like they thought I was contagious!!

Tavian, Jessica's son had just turned 4 one week before Jessica left us and I started a Treasure Box for him - it contains all the little things that Jess loved the most - her favorite perfume, her jewelery, cards Tavian had given to her. I also would go to the cemetery and collect all the cards and notes that people had left and added them to the box. I want Tavian to know how much his mommy was loved and when he is old enough I will give it to him.  I also began a journal for him and am on my second book - it really helps me to write my feelings as I sometimes feel it is the only way to say what I want without anyone telling me how to feel, the paper does not talk back to me.

I promise that you will never forget the what your son looks like, smells like or what his laughter sounded like - sometimes our minds need to "forget" so we can remain somewhat sane.

Please everyone keep writing as it is truley a Blessing from God that I have found this site. Hugs to all - Summergirl

 

[analisa4]

Tonight it will be four weeks since my son, Nick died...I cannot believe that I have to say that word in the same sentence with my boys name. I hate it. I feel so alone, so sad and just don't know how to go on. My husband seems to be so strong. He does have pain and sadness, but it is different from mine...My daughters don't even say their brothers name for fear that it will make me cry. Most times, it does make me cry...and I feel bad for them, but I don't talk to them about it yet...I am too consumed with my own grief to really care about theirs...that is awful and I know it. How do I tend to them when I can barely function myself? Four weeks is not even long, how will I live the rest of my life without my boy? I miss him so much...

[summergirl]

I am so sorry for you, my tears fall when I read words of such pain and I feel as though I am reading my own thoughts. I have spent one year, eight months and eight days without my daughter and I am still consumed with saddness although it is "getting better" (I hate that). My husband also has saddness and pain but he also seems so much better then me, even in the beginning and I used to get so angry because it seemed "easier" for him - but when I finally talked to him he said he was so busy trying to get me and Tavian through it, trying to "fix" us that he put up a shield when we were together. He would let his pain out when he was alone. He also says he "talks" to her and that is how he survives.  I know when Jessica left us those first few weeks are still a blur to me but I do remember that I needed to take care of Tavian for her, he had just turned 4 one week before she passed and all he knew is that he went to sleep with a mommy and woke up without one - I could not let my grief come first so I focused on getting him through those first months. I cannot tell you how to grieve, how to feel or how you get through each day, each hour, each minute but you do because it is what we do. I know I wanted to go be with Jessica and then I would look at Tavian and know that she was depending on my husband and I to give him the life she no longer could. I have what I call my "melt downs" when I am alone and believe me I sometimes think I will never stop crying. The pain never goes away but it does get "easier" (another word I hate) and you find some balance. I now have what I call "life after Jessica" and it will never be the same and I will always have a shattered heart but I have faith that we will all survive and as long as we keep talking and praying with each other on this site we will make it. Please keep writing even though it is painful sometimes, it has helped me so much knowing I am not alone although I cry each time I hear of another family who has lost a child. Hugs and Prayers to you.

[sooooo]

Hello Everyone, My name is Sherri and I wrote a few days ago.  This website has been so helpful to me and I realize that there is not right or wrong, fast or slow way to get through this.  My son, David passed away on October 1st 2007, two days before he was to have heart valve replacement surgery, he was 33.  When it first happened, I would get so angry when people would ask me how old he "WAS".  I wanted to yell at them and tell them that he is an "IS" not a "WAS".  Of course I did not do that but I so desperately need him not to be forgotten.    He left behind three young boys (10,11,12).  They remind me constantly of his ever living presence. 

One of my biggest pains is needing to know that David is okay.  I cannot just call and check on him now.  One of my daughters had a dream the other night that he was at a family reunion.  She yelled at him and told him we were mad at him for dieing and then we just all went on to joke around and have fun like we do when we are all together.  This morning I felt lighter than ever since this has happened and I hoped the worse was over.  Then I just called his wife on their cell phone and his voice was the message to leave a voicemail and again, I am in a puddle of tears. 

The pain is so overwhelming.  I went back to work 8 days after he passed.  I had to stay busy but don't know how productive I am at work.  Anyway, I am rambling now.  I want you all to know how much hope and faith you give me.  I do know now that my David is around me and that is helping me to be stronger.  It just hurts so much and I miss him so much.  I know he is no longer struggling like he had his whole lifetime...he always made everything so much harder than necessary. 

Thank you all for sharing and for listening.  This is a bittersweet website.......you can all relate and we can all share, but in sharing it makes it so much more real.  If I have to belong to this "club" than you all make it safe to do do.  Some people just don't know and not only do you understand but you post and let us "new members" know that we can survive.

Sherri

[analisa4]

Sherri, I understand completely....the need to KNOW my son is OK is overwhelming at times...I just talked to his girlfriend today and wanted so much to know that he knew I loved him...i just don't know if he knew how much he was loved... he was always living life on the edge...and sometimes I wonder if he knew he was loved. If he knew that I loved him...even though we said "I love you" to each other...did he truly know he was loved??? That I'll never know...All I really know is that I miss him so much that my heart breakes...Is this normal? I'll never know.

Summer....I really enjoy your replies...it helps me to know that I am not alone in this awful "club". Thank you for kind words and for listening to me when all I can do is babble on and on...You are a blessing to me and I am glad to have found this web site...I hope we can continue to listen to each other and help one another through this awful time in our lives...

Claudia....I hope all is well with you....I miss your words of wisdom and insight...

God Bless all who are here...and all who will follow...

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Analisa,  I know I have said this before, but reading your posts is like me looking in a mirror at myself one year ago.  I worried and wondered too about whether Joey knew I REALLY loved him, and how much I still do and always will.  Joey too lived life on the edge, and I used tough love a time or two.  I had to pray about it a lot, because I was consumed with wondering if he really knew, and how could I know.  I also worried about forgetting little details about him.  To this day I have to concentrate really hard to hear his voice.  It's all normal to feel these things.  And the desperation to have answers to these questions will subside or subdue in time, because our hearts truly already know the answers.  Joey did know and he knows now how very much I love him, and how much he was loved overall.  And in time I will remember more of the little details, but my heart still needs to take it slow because I've been so broken in losing him.  Our precious kids will always know how much we love them, because death does not seperate our hearts, our souls.  We remain connected for eternity.  That's how I know he knows, and you can be assured yours knows too.    Love & Hugs, Claudia

[analisa4]

Thank you Cludia...as always your words of wisdom give me comfort...the road that you have traveled before me has brought me closer to you and your sorrow...I thank you for being able to share your grief with me...in a sense you are guiding me...and you are so strong...THANK YOU for your honesty...Please keep in touch...I need your input and advice...This is so new and raw to me...All I know is that I miss my boy and he isn't coming home tonight...that pisses me off...I love him so much....did he know that I loved him???How will I ever know that he knew that I loved him??

[4everjoeysmom]

Analisa,  One of the things I did was to ask God to get a message to Joey from me, to tell him all the things I wished I would have said or done.  I believe in my heart that Joey knows and understands EVERYTHING more clearly and perfectly now than he did when he was here.  Heaven reveals so much more that this life ever could.  In this I am certain Joey knows how ultimately much I love him.  I believe if you can make that kind of heart connection too, you will find peace with this question and perhaps many, many others.  BIG HUGS, Claudia

[summergirl]

I too have asked God to let my Jessica know all the things I "feel" I never got to say to her although we had her for 26 years. We went through all the normal teenage years but at some point we both realized we were best friends as well as mother and daughter. I go over and over in my mind the last few months I had with her and we did so many things - she had her own apartment with Tavian and we had went shopping and she bought new furniture for Tavian "a big boy bed" and all these wonderful pictures and and boy stuff for his bedroom and a new livingroom set. The living room set was delivered two days before she passed and Tavian's bedroom set came three weeks after - I remember being so angry about her not being able to see him in his new bed and how she would never be able to say goodnight to him again. Every night they would tell each other at bedtime "I love you to the moon and stars" and she had bought two stars and a moon for his wall that light up! So his room here is done exactly as she had wanted it right down to the paint she had bought. I hated that we had to clean out her apartment within two weeks of her passing as I just wanted everything to stay the same - my friend and some family members wanted to do it without me but I just couldn't imagine anyone going there without me, I was so afraid they would "get rid" of things I wanted no matter how silly - it was so hard to pack it all up and bring it home. I still drive by there now and then like a crazy woman and just wish I could pull in and see her there. I miss her so much and I am never going to have another daughter and no one would ever replace her - people keep telling me that "I have Tavian" and I know what a blessing that is but he does not replace my Jessica - I don't know what I would do without him and there is a reason God gave him to us - but I just wish people would stop thinking that it is easier because I have him. Does anything make it easier? Nothing that I have found so I just keep praying and living knowing that Jessica would want me too. Jessica was a wonderful woman/girl and she had the personality that if you met her for five minutes or knew her for a lifetime you never forgot her! I miss so much about her. As usual I am rambling on and going from one thing to the next without pausing, I just have so much to say and this "club" is the only place I have found that I can do that and you all will understand and not make me feel guilty for going on and on. I thank you all for that and even thought I wish none of us ever had to find this site it is a true blessing. Prayers and love to all. 

[4everjoeysmom]

Summergirl, nothing or no one could ever replace our beloved children.  I just today also received a friends "words of comfort" to tell me how blessed I am.  I know I am blessed.  But I would give up every blessing just to have one more day with Joey.  People just don't understand that kind of "missing".  I'm so sorry for the heartbreak you will continue to endure as Tavian becomes a big boy in so many ways.  I know that will only incfease the longing to have his mommy, your baby, there too.  I know...

I know I never ever tire of hearing from anyone here, about their stories and lives, and especially their children.  Please continue to share as your heart allows.

Something I saved, (I've shared this before), a lip balm of Joey's.  I apply some every now and again, and in a special way it's like I can send a kiss to him in heaven.  I miss him so...

[kathy714]

Betsy,i am thinking of you,i will light a candle tomorrow for Danny on his birthday,and i know they are all celebrating together in heaven,the skies will be bright,xoxo...love kathy

[summergirl]

Thank you so much for your words. Every now and then I wear Jessica's favorite perfume as it is like I can smell her again - it is wonderful and bittersweet at the same time yet it feels like she surrounds me like a hug. If I could have just one more dance I would choose a song that would never end!! I miss so many things about her I sometimes do not even know where to begin. I have went through times (many) where I keep asking "why", why my daughter, why so many "bad" people in this world killing, abusive etc. etc. and yet my daughter was taken. I try hard to believe that God has his reason and I know that He doesn't give us more then we can handle but there are days when I feel that I am just going to start crying and never stop because it is the hardest thing I have ever done or ever will do.  I worry when I go days without crying but I know that sometimes my heart and mind just need to "forget" for a little while in order for me to go on and be there for Tavian. I have to say that going to therapy has helped him so much and he is learning to express his feelings instead of acting them out in negative ways. He suffers from seperation anxiety from me and that is heart breaking to me as he sometimes cries and tells me not to go to Heaven with mommy and leave him and sometimes he asks me to go to Heaven and bring her back for a little while - there are no words to describe his little face when I explain to him that once you go to Heaven you cannot come back. I tell him that mommy had a "broken heart" and now that she is in Heaven she is all better and that she sees everything he does although we can only see her in our minds and keep her in our heart. He tells me she lives in his heart and he built a house there for them!!! I am so grateful for this site I cannot tell you how I look foward to reading each and every message, it is the last place any of us wants to be but I thank God and all of you for this site as it is a true blessing to share and talk and know that others think and feel the same way. Sometimes as I am reading I feel like I am reading my own thoughts although someone else wrote the words. God bless all of you. Hugs and Prayers 

 

[analisa4]

Today is very tough...I cannot believe that my boy has been gone for 32 days. It seems like it was only yesterday, but then it seems like so long ago that I saw his beautiful smile...I miss everything about him...I am not being a good parent to my remaining children...I don't have the energy to right now...I am so consumed with my own pain and sorrow that I cannot even bring myself to ask them "How are you?" Is this terrible? I want to help them, but just can't. I don't even know how to help myself, let alone them. I  wish that I could go back to the night of the accident and change the course of events...I would call my boy...I thought of calling him that night, but didn't. I knew he was coming home, so I didn't call. I hate that more than anything, If I had called would things be different today? I'll never know the answer to that question, because I didn't call...I will never forgive myself for that. I hate myself for not making that call. I have a message saved on my phone and I can hear his voice. It was from Easter...I wish I could hear his voice again...I miss you my boy...

[namarella]

My husband and I went out to the cemetery this weekend to take a few things out to Eric’s gravesite...a small pumpkin, a bouquet of the last flowers in the garden, some herbs that he loved, and we found a small Buddha to put under the lavender growing there.  My husband also planted some iris at all four corners.  There is so little we can “do” for Eric and I know it’s just symbolic as he’s not there, but it’s still meaningful to us.  It’s very peaceful out there this time of year, with the leaves changing, a hawk flying overhead.  

I think people often assume (maybe for their own comfort) that after almost two years I’ve “dealt with” the loss of our son because I seem so normal...laughing, talking, putting in my 40-hour work week.  But what they don’t realize is that Eric is more a part of my life now than ever.  They say your life will change in every way after the loss of a child, that you don’t just go back to “normal,” but there’s no way to describe just how fully it will change.  These days I try to live my life not necessarily “for” Eric, but in a way that honors him and his life.  He visits me in my dreams, I even sometimes think I’ve felt him brush by me or tap me on the shoulder.  He’s very ever-present with me.  

Because our daughter (with our grandchild) moved to Europe almost exactly a year after Eric died, I often feel very alone...especially at family events where my siblings are surrounded by their children and grandchildren.  We do keep in touch with her, but it’s not the same as being able to hug her or our grandson (born just 4 days after Eric died), and we’re still not able to talk with her about her brother.  It’s a forbidden subject, which just emphasizes our aloneness.  And, as so many others have mentioned, so few people now talk to us about Eric, again, assuming we’ve moved on, or that it’s too painful for us to talk about.  I’m so grateful that here we can talk about our children, and not have to censor or downplay our grief.  

I’m so very sorry to see the new folks on this site, but I join others in welcoming you to this safe place where you don’t have to put on the brave face.  Blessings to everyone, Colleen

[namarella]

My husband and I went out to the cemetery this weekend to take a few things out to Eric’s gravesite...a small pumpkin, a bouquet of the last flowers in the garden, some herbs that he loved, and we found a small Buddha to put under the lavender growing there.  My husband also planted some iris at all four corners.  There is so little we can “do” for Eric and I know it’s just symbolic as he’s not there, but it’s still meaningful to us.  It’s very peaceful out there this time of year, with the leaves changing, a hawk flying overhead.  

I think people often assume (maybe for their own comfort) that after almost two years I’ve “dealt with” the loss of our son because I seem so normal...laughing, talking, putting in my 40-hour work week.  But what they don’t realize is that Eric is more a part of my life now than ever.  They say your life will change in every way after the loss of a child, that you don’t just go back to “normal,” but there’s no way to describe just how fully it will change.  These days I try to live my life not necessarily “for” Eric, but in a way that honors him and his life.  He visits me in my dreams, I even sometimes think I’ve felt him brush by me or tap me on the shoulder.  He’s very ever-present with me.  

Because our daughter (with our grandchild) moved to Europe almost exactly a year after Eric died, I often feel very alone...especially at family events where my siblings are surrounded by their children and grandchildren.  We do keep in touch with her, but it’s not the same as being able to hug her or our grandson (born just 4 days after Eric died), and we’re still not able to talk with her about her brother.  It’s a forbidden subject, which just emphasizes our aloneness.  And, as so many others have mentioned, so few people now talk to us about Eric, again, assuming we’ve moved on, or that it’s too painful for us to talk about.  I’m so grateful that here we can talk about our children, and not have to censor or downplay our grief.  

I’m so very sorry to see the new folks on this site, but I join others in welcoming you to this safe place where you don’t have to put on the brave face.  Blessings to everyone, Colleen

[bbarbie55]

 Sunday I went to Bobbis grave for the first time since they buried her and I didn't get all upset but it hurt to know my baby was no longer with me it seemed so final. I'm glad her husband waited to bury her cremains so I could take it better. When I think about the holidays and knowing she wont be there is what really upsets me. I have problems also fixing her favorite foods even though other people like them. I'm still working two jobs but not so sure if I will mch past December I'm so tired and worn out my health is being affected now I guess I'm not superwoman after all.

All of you take care

Deb