Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all: Plse forgive this lengthy post, but I have not posted in quite a while; I have read often, and you are all always in my prayers, every day, as I travel to work in the morning. Claudia, Debbie, Mamabets, Shuugar, Lynda, bBarbie55 – Deb, Viki, (and I apologize ahead of time for anyone I’ve missed listing) and all of the newly gathered mom’s who are led here to BI through their sad journey of losing their child; I know that those who are new have been comforted by this community, and those who have been here for a while are comforted by each other, as well. (For those of you who are new, our only son, Mike, died last October 14th, after a 17-month battle with brain cancer, just after his 31st b’day.) As you all have experienced, our lives have not been the same since. These last couple of months, my life has been very upside down, with work and all the craziness that is going on there, and home where nothing is going on except the continued aching and longing since Mike left this earth. We do still have the pleasure of our grandkids coming most weekends; Mike’s boys, sometimes the older two, and sometimes all three, and my daughter’s youngest son, are sometimes here at the same time. We truly enjoy them so very much, and try to have a good time, with laughing and sharing. We thank God for these wonderful gifts of life to love and to be loved by. But when they leave, the silence comes back, and the pain of our loss rears its ugly head again, and we try to deal with it a day at a time. We just passed through Mike’s first birthday without him here (Aug 20th), and we tried to make it a celebration of his life, as he had requested; we knew he was with us, as we set about to fulfill his wishes on what he had asked us to do to celebrate. His older boys, 11 and 10, came on Saturday morning and stayed until Monday night. Sunday we all went to a ballgame at Fenway Park, as Mike had requested we do for his birthday. The boys had a wonderful time, and the Red Sox actually sent over gift bags to them, with baseball hats, books, and keyrings in them in honor of their dad’s birthday. We had a birthday message posted on the huge jumbotron board in the park, and even though the Red Sox lost, everyone said it was a good thing to do and a good day for all of us, and we knew that Mike was in our midst for sure. Underneath, it was a sad, painful day, but was covered over with the joy of memories shared and taken out again to remind us all of his wonderful life and the legacy of love and courage he left behind.

On Monday morning, I visited my dear friend, Rita, in the morning, as she is dying of cancer, and is very close to her last days. We spent lunchtime together, and lovingly cried about things past and things to come. In the afternoon, Mike’s wife and their youngest son, Damon, 2 ½, joined the rest of us, and we all shared Mike’s birthday celebration that evening by going to his favorite restaurant, finishing with cake and ice cream, and a Sponge Bob candle on his cake, with Mike’s smiling picture placed at the head of the table. We know that he was with us throughout these days, and gave us all strength to get through them and even to create some new memories to keep. On Tuesday, I crashed. I feared it was going to come; I had “pasted” on my “happy” face for the children, and I feared that once they were gone, it would all come falling down around me, which it did. I spent the next week or so like a zombie, moving around but not feeling or thinking of much. I’ve slowly come back to that awful new normal routine we have found ourselves in lately, and make my way to work and home again everyday. Now, we are moving towards his first angel date, and I cld surely use some advice on managing our way through that time of grief, from those of you who have already been there.

Well, it is pretty late (or should I say, “early”), and I need to get some sleep. I pray you all have been doing okay, and I promise to keep in touch more often. As I said, I think of you all, all the time, and you are all in my prayers every day. I’ve heard that as we move a little further away from the beginning, raw, unending pain of losing our child, we may come to a point where it is “softer,” but as many of you have said, it never leaves us. The pain is always there, and we will not be able to relieve it until we join our child, once again, in eternity.

One of the things I have been doing during this time is working on Mike’s web site. I have added a lot of things to it, and it has brought me unending comfort to work on it…it is as though I talk to him whenever I am on it working, and talk about him, without the “look,” or the “sigh,” or the advice of “moving on,” etc., as I am sure you are all familiar with. Please, visit his web site, and leave a message that you’ve been there…I will be visiting all of your web sites over the next few days (those I haven’t visited already, and maybe revisit the others, as well), and I will leave a message for you, also.

His address is: http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=8228&page_no=1

Love and hugs to all of you,

carol MIKESMOMRS

[shuugar]

Momgran

What a loving thing for you to do.

Thank you

[mamabets]

For momgran~ OH, DEB!!!!! I am without words...I bless you and thank you for this beautiful tribute...I will cherish it, and friends like you, forever.

With love from me and my Danny,feel free to post whatever you want to on your website!! "Beauty and love like this must be shared with the world"...

LOVE,

mamabets xoxo

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, I just spent a very long time visiting Mike and his life through the wonderful memorial tribute you created. I am sitting here thoroughly weeping as I write, so I'll make it brief just to say I love Mike's tribute and I love you! Hugs, Claudia

[momgran]

mikesmomrs/Carol: As I mentioned on your website, I'm on my lunch break at work so I only managed to read your first page, but Oh My God, your words are so very moving and express what a wonderful spirit and the great courage your darling son Mike possessed and left as a legacy for you and us alike! Thank you for your generous sharing. My heart and prayers are with you and your family. I will definitely be visiting again to learn more about your son's life.

Shuugar/Claudia and Betsy: I'm thrilled you enjoyed my tribute. It gave me an outlet to express my feelings about yours and my children's passing and the wonderful legacies they left behind. I've fallen in love with all of them, and you, who are joined to me in such a tragic, but comforting way.

I will keep creating pages and movies so please forward either your web addresses or photos by email to:

dfbarton@sympatico.ca

I would like to add your Mike to my next tribute, Carol, if you wish.

Love Peace and Patience to you all!

Debbie

[mikesmomrs]

Debbie: Thank you so much for your kind words, and Claudia and Shuugar, as well. (Debbie, you mentioned that you left a message on Mike's site, but I don't think it "took"; perhaps you didn't enter the code listed after the message?)

Your tribute to the precious children of those on this board is truly very beautiful...as Betsy said "Beauty and love like this must be shared with the world." You did a wonderful job, and it was such a kind and sweet thing for you to do.

(and yes, I would be honored to have Mike included...and also as Betsy said, you can put whatever you like from Mike's site onto it...if you want me to choose the pictures, let me know.)

Thank you Claudia and Shuugar for your words and your messages. And, Betsy, who has left messages previously...thank you again. Betsy had sent me a picture of her precious granddaughter, Caroline, to put on Mike's baseball page, and there it rests, keeping watch, adding sweetness, every day. thank you again, Betsy.

I am going to a baseball game tonight with Mike's best friend, Denis, and then we have one more to attend, on Sep 28th, with my daughter and her youngest, Jamie---it will be his b'day present, as his b'day is Sep 25th, and after attending the game for Mike's b'day, he said that was what he wanted...to go to another game, for his own birthday.

I hope you all have a day laced with peaceful moments and treasured memories that bring warmth to your heart.

love and hugs to all,

carol MIKESMOMRS

[momgran]

Shuugar: I'm at home and my home computer isn't in the best of shape. Are you able to access James' website by clicking the link on the webpage I created? Sorry but I'm having a bit of trouble accessing your site. If it works for you then it's most probably OK...just my puter needs fixing.

Thanks

Debbie

[janeensmom]

Hi everyone, Debbie....I looked at the website and thought about how wonderful it is to see the faces of your loved ones and know that we all care about each other. I do not have a website for Janeen because I find it still too difficult to look at her pictures and know this is all that is left of her (besides the memories). Has anyone else had this problem or am I alone in this too? It makes me weep and gets me upset all over again. I have only one picture in my house that is displayed. It took me one year to be able to look at it without breakng down every time (now it is every other time)....I would like all of you to see her and see how beautiful she was but I can't do it...any suggestions for me?

Love and hug, Vikki

[momgran]

Dear Janeensmom/Vikki: I shed a tear when I read your post. How very sad that all you have left of your precious daughter, her photos, cause you such pain and distress. I know that feeling, as do we all I’m sure and I long for the day when I can look at photos of my babies without the stab of pain and grief. I wonder if this is not related to the ‘advice’ we get from Grief Resources that say that we have to ‘face it head on’ and allow the pain to work it’s way through our system in order for us to ever be able to move on! I was obsessed with Pippa and Kieran’s photos and momentos in the early days….that’s why I spent so many hours creating the website, despite the pain that tortured my soul…but like a lot of things I feared, when I ‘faced’ the photos, once the initial pain had worked it’s way through my soul, it became somewhat easier to look at them. It won’t be ‘pleasant’ for quite some time, but at least I don’t feel the same torture I did in the beginning. But again, the advice says that we also have to deal with our grief in our own way and in our own time.

We would love to ‘meet’ your sweet Janeen!! If you wish, I can add her to our little tribute at :

http://katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html

You can either email her photos to me or if you would like to send it regular mail I can give you my address by email. My email address is:

dfbarton@sympatico.ca

I would even like to create a page for your Janeen, if you wish. Just the way you want it!

God bless you Dear and I hope one day you will find peace and comfort in your Angel’s photos….this goes for us all!

Shuugar: I was able to access the site so no problem there.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[momgran]

I've been watching the 'movie' I created and some of the photos I've downloaded from your children's websites are very 'blurred'. If you would like me to put a clearer photo on there it would be very easy for me to replace them. You are welcome to send me full version of your photos to:

dfbarton@sympatico.ca

Take Care

Debbie

[lindseysmom]

Happy Birthday in Heaven to my sweet Lindsey Marie....xoxo Love you forever, will keep you in my heart until we meet again one day.....Love you honey miss you more than words could ever express..BD...9/6/83....Angel Date 01/03/06. Our angel........

[mamabets]

For lindseysmom~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET LINDSEY~ The skies are more beautiful because of sweet angels like you...

Please write, Mom, and tell us all about Lindsey!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[mamabets]

For Momgran~ I sent you the pics from the file, plus a couple more! Feel free to use whichever ones you want!! This is so positively BEAUTIFUL and so are you...Our Andrew, Pippa and Kieran are a story within themselves, and my Danny is blessed to have them in their corner of the universe~ WE ALL ARE!!

We love you, Deb!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[mikesmomrs]

Vikki: I pray that one day you will find comfort in viewing your precious Janeen's pictures, and they will provide you with peace and gentle reminders of the love you shared with her. I think pictures of our loved ones will always be somewhat "bittersweet," but I pray the pain will lessen and time will allow them to be more comfort than painful reminders.

Lindseysmom: Lindsey, happy heavenly birthday, sweetie, and may your love surround your mom all day.

love and peaceful moments to all

carol MIKESMOMRS

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ It is amazing how these late night hours, into early mornings, find so many of us "prowly", as I call it... The middle of the night was my Danny's friend that fateful night..It carried him "home", and I toss and turn, remembering when...

I love you and think about you so much. May you know that Sweet Caroline updates will always come your way. At 5 months, she says "WHOA", "oggie" for froggie, and HI!! Not to big on strangers, so when one approaches, she puts her hands on her head and bows in Jackie's shoulder...

LOLOL

LOVE,

mamabets xoxo

[mamabets]

For janeensmom~ Hi Vikki~ I must say that I have pictures in every corner of this house, BUT know there are many that travel our walk that just can't put the out until they can... I have gone the other way- I can't move ONE, aside from the occasional dusting, without being afraid that something could happen to these memories~ My bookcases could use an update, but time froze, and so did my pictures~ I have always been "camera happy", capture the moment... I have chatted with MANY along my way, and there are many different things that pain them beyond belief, pictures being one of them. Be gentle with yourself, time takes such time here, and just do what you can , when you can. My hope is that one day you will find your own peace in this area, as it can be a struggle being unable to look at pictures. Trust me, there is always some one thing or another that all of us seem to be unable to do. There is no right way or wrong way to do this journey...The best way that we can at any given moment, is all that will ever be expected, when it comes right down to the "big picture". Janeen will guide you and lead your heart, ALWAYS. She is with you in a way that is more perfect than ever before, although at times that seems impossible. I have recently come to see so clearly that my Danny has begun my eternity with him. He has taken the lead, and one day he will call me home~ Same for all of us here... I hope that I have helped to ease the pain a little...

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxoxxoxo

[shuugar]

Vikki

My grandmother, my mother and I've heard others say many times (quote)

(THIS TOO SHALL PASS)

I know now that it isn't always true. A lessen I wish I never had to learn.

Looking through family photo's has always conjured up feelings for me, seeing my family and my children at various stages in life.

In fact the photo on my son's memorial site was taken just four days before he died and I am sooo thankful I have it.

There isn't a single one of them that doesn't take me somewhere back in time. For now those memories are all we have.

I cry my heart out many times looking at his pictures and I always will. They document his life somewhat and they mean so much to me.

I can tell you for a fact that the first thing you grab when or if the time ever came that you had to evacuate would be your photographs at least that's what I did.

My point to you is that this veil of sadness we wear will always be with us and looking at our memories by way of photographs will always be bitter-sweet.

When the time for you is right (and only you will know) you will embrace those memories and cry and laugh, but mostly cry.

At times it can feel very soothing to look upon those face's that we love so very deeply and for now that's all we can do

[bbarbie55]

shuugar

You are so right its when I look at pictures of my daughter at different ages that I remember the good times with tears. This is clensing for me there are also some memories that hurt but I take the good with the bad. I feel like I'm numb and time has stood still. When it rains it takes me back to the day she died and the chain of events from there.

The good things that has came from this is I know she is better off and don't have to worry anymore about her cancer. I still hurt though and always will. My phychiatrist told me to cry and not let other people judge my emotions and to keep my faith in God alive. She has also upped my meds to help me sleep. Gotta go my day off and will get needed rest.

Deb

[janeensmom]

Debbie,Carol,Shuugar,Momabets......thank you for your kind encouragement and support. I do hope one day to be able to look at Janeen's pictures without loosing my mind and emotions. Debbbie I am going to ask my oldest daughter if she can put some pictures together and send them to you so you can post them. I know I need to face it someday and maybe with your help and support I will be able to. Just so you know, Janeen died on 1-17-06 in her home on our property and 10 days later I closed up my home and left and have never been back. I just cannot find the strength or perhaps I am afaid of the breakdown it will cause and that this time I just might not come out of it....this second year IS as bad if not worse than the first. So many people just disappeared from our lives. Hard to understand what living is for...Thank you for your love and concern.

Hugs, Vikki

[momgran]

lindseysmom: I hope your darling daughter's birthday has evoked some good memories of celebrations past and that the pain didn't intrude too intensely.

Happy Birthday Dear Lindsey...I hope all our babies are there with you, sharing the cake! We love you all!

[momgran]

Janeensmom/Vikki: Well, looks like the photo issue is shared by us all....as are many other hurdles we have to face on this long winding road. THere are times when I look at a photo and my heart leaps up into my throat....they're gone!!!!!! This can't be true. Then I've actually had a brief moment or two when I smiled, remembering the occassion it was taken...Such a rollercoaster ride, this grief.

I'm so pleased your daughter will help you with this. If she emails me at:

dfbarton@sympatico.ca I will send my mailing address. If you send copies I will return them safely. Please don't send any originals without copies.....my heart couldn't take the responsibility! If your daughter can email them, that would be great....we will all nurture you as you start to feel strong enough to look at Janeen's photos and join in the celebration of this beautiful girl.

Take Great Care

Debbie

[momgran]

Mamabets:Mikesmomrs/Carol;Donosmom/Mary. Thanks so much for updating the photos...they're as clear as a bell and will make our movie worthy of an oscar....in heaven anyway:)

As I said in an email...I do this for my family all the time...now you are my new family and I want to share my favourite passtime with you and treat you to lovely little shows of our children. We used to do it on stage when they were little...a nd here with us...so now we can do it with them looking over our shoulders...and smiling at us silly old Moms....and Dad are welcome too!

Love Peace and Patience to you all!

Debbie

[momgran]

Janeensmom/Vikki: Just a thought on the people who have left your life. I think this experience is a great leveler. The people that stay behind are the only ones you really need in your life. At least, that's been my experience. They are the 'keepers', the ones who will add to your life and not take something from you or expect something in return. I hope those that have stayed behind give you all the comfort and love you deserve.

Debbie

[simonsmam]

For Janeensmom,

I too found it very difficult to look at photos of my son Simon after his tragic accident in May 2006. Strangely enough it wasn’t the photos of him as a child that upset me most. The ones that almost broke my heart to look at were the ones of his wedding day 2 years earlier in July 2004. He looked so tall and handsome in his golden wedding jacket as he stood waiting for his beautiful bride. They made such a lovely couple. I tried to work out why the photos of him as an adult caused me more distress at first than the childhood ones. I think it was because we had him for all of the usual span of years as a young child and a teenager but it is the fact that his adult life has been so tragically cut short that hurts and causes so much pain.. Not only have we lost our son but adult children become our close friends as well.

I have a beautiful picture of him kissing me on my cheek outside the church on his wedding day. It now brings me so much pleasure and comfort and has pride of place on my piano.

The wedding photographer who is a family friend gave us the most wonderful gift a couple of months after Simon’s death. He gave us a cd of all the wedding photos (over 100 ). They are now stored on my laptop and when I first looked at them it was so overwhelming because seeing him on the bright screen seemed to bring him back to us a little. He seemed so alive. Mind you, it made everything seem so unreal and hard to believe that he really has gone. We were also very lucky this year to have his wedding video put onto DVD. It took a lot of soul searching as to whether we could face hearing his voice and seeing him moving. We decided to be brave and have watched it 2 or 3 times. The hardest and most heartbreaking part were the wedding vows to hear him say the words ‘For as long as we both shall live ‘………..How could we ever have imagined the poignancy of these words !

I do hope that you will be able to look at your dear Janeen’s photos when you are ready and find a little comfort. I find that looking at everything serves to remind us that we really did have such a wonderful son and they keep all our memories alive. Each night I go over to the piano where I keep several photos and draw my hand across his face and give him a kiss . Yes there are many tears too, but afterwards I find them to be so healing.

LOVE AND SPECIAL THOUGHTS FOR YOU ALL. XXX

[momgran]

Simonsmam: I remember posting on here months ago about the very thing you've mentioned, how I haven't seemed to grieve as hard over Pippa's baby and childhood photos as I do for the more recent one. I put it down to the fact that as she grew out of one phase and into another, I sort of 'grieved' for that stage of her life and had to adjust to the 'new' Pippa. The person I deeply miss and agonize over now is the lovely woman, the wonderful mother, and as you said, my best friend who died in that car accident. That's the woman who I loved and lost. Even little Kieran, who only lived 4 years 7 months, the last photos of him are the hardest to look at because that was the 'boy' we lost. That delightful, chatty little man who had a song repertoire that went on forever! Who'd Grandpa had taught him to ride a two wheeler without the trainers and was very proud of the fish he caught!

I know what you mean about the movies. So eerie....like she's still here...looking me in the eye with her twinkly eyes and her contagious smile...her curls bouncing.

I've related a story to many of my friends over the years. When Pippa was twelve she was involved in so many activities...never stopped! One day she came home from school, changed out of her uniform, got into her track gear and took off. Came home, changed out of her track gear...into her ballet outfit and off she went again. Then came home, changed out of the ballet outfit and into her Girl Guides outfit and asked me for a lift for her meeting!! I took her by the shoulders and said, "Pippa, my darling, if you keep this pace up you'll be burnt out by the time you're 20!!" She looked me in the eye, deadly serious and said "Mom, life is short and you have to fit as much in as you possibly can!" Those words and her depth of meaning and the expression on her face stuck with me for years. Then when she was 21 she was 'determined' to have a baby while she was still young. Thank God she did have that experience at 24. She was dead, with that precious baby, at 29. It all seems almost prophetic now.

As far as the photos go...they bring back so many precious memories...but we can't hold them...smell them...feel their lifeforce, but if that's all we have, then Thank God for them!

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[gramma]

Dear Janeensmom, & Simonsmam,

I too cannot bring myself to look much at my daughter Vangie's pictures. She was married in June 05' on the date I picked, and then passed in Feb. 06. It is also sometimes OK to look at her younger or baby pics. But her wedding pics. and video, I cannot bear to watch yet.

She was often a guest on my local TV show, and one of the crew members would like to put together a memorial video of her appearances. She touched so many viewers. I still am not ready for this, but perhaps will or won't be sometime. It's hard to settle for pictures, and I'm not going to add that pressure to my tender wounds.

So tho' I don't have, or wish to give sage advice on this matter, I understand, and believe I am so much closer to her in my heart-along with the clues and messages she often gives to remind me that she is indeed here with me and many other's she loves too-and I must be patient with myself and the plan working out for us all.

Ripples of peace,

Martha, Vangie's mom

Dear Lindseysmom,

Many rivers of healing and love on Lindseys special day. May her presence be with you again, as she is only separated by the thinnest veil; a veil that our poor senses cannot usually penetrate....But she is there!

Sweetness and light,

Martha

[simonsmam]

Momgran,

I have only been on this site for a week and already I am amazed by the replies. It seems when you are sat at home that you are the only one going through such a heartbreaking range of feeling and emotions. It is reassuring to know you felt the same about childhood verses adult photos. Also, my Simon packed an awful lot into his short life. He had travelled quite extensively, had made so many friends on the way was always game for a new challenge.

In the beginning when my husband and I would cry together inconsolably at night, I used to say that it was so hard to imagine that these tears were for a strapping 6ft 7in boy. In the depths of our despair nothing seemed real. One thing I said quite often is that although the umbilical cord is cut at birth there is an invisible one attached for life. To my amazement I recently found a poem with the same sentiment.

The Cord

We are connected,

My child and I, by

An invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord

That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

This surely explains what we always knew we fell in love with our child from the moment they were born.

LOVE AND SPECIAL WISHES TO YOU ALL XXX

[4everjoeysmom]

Simonsmam, Thank you so much for sharing that poem! That is EXACTLY how I feel about my Joey, who was my strapping 6'4 first born, my baby boy. Oh God how my heart aches. And while the pain is so deep, it reminds me I'm alive. So many great posts recently... I'm having a rougher go of it this past week since my husband is away for a month and I am very isolated where we live. I have been reading a lot, but just can't seem to write much right now. I know we all go through that too. Love & hugs to all, Claudia

[momgran]

gramma: Yes, we do need to take this one step at a time...at our own pace. I haven't been able to read Pippa's journals yet....I knew from the beginning that it would be quite some time before I entered her world, through her eyes when she lived. I know they will open a whole new phase of grieving for me....when i'm ready I will venture into that intimate place. I don't believe I'll be shocked by much as my daughter was very open and candid with me.

Simonsmam: Such a beatiful poem that truly says so much about our connection to our children...that unbreakable bond. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

Claudia: I'm sorry this is a sad time for you, but we all know those times are always around the corner, don't we. You've contributed so much on here and shared with us all...it's your time to grieve and weep and when you're ready to share again...we're more than ready to listen and learn from you. My heart is with you my Dear.

As we're doing 'poems' I thought I'd share this one with you.

Love Peace and Patience, and good night!

Debbie

The End

by Rabindranath Tagore

Contributed by: Vijendran Rao

VPR@LNS62.LNS.CORNELL.EDU

(This poem is from 'The Crescent Moon' by Tagore)

It is time for meto go, mother; I am going.

When in the paling darkness of the lonely dawn

you stretch your arms for your baby in the bed,

I shall say, "Baby is not there!"

- mother, I am going.

I shall become a delicate draught of air

and caress you; and I shall be ripples

in the water when you bathe;

and kiss you and kiss you again.

In the gusty night when the rain patters on the leaves

you will hear my whisper in your bed,

and my laughter will flashwith the lightning

through the open window into your room.

If you lie awake, thinking of your baby till late into the night,

I shall sing to you form the stars, "Sleep, mother, sleep."

On the straying moonbeams I shall steal over your bed,

and lie upon your bosom while you sleep.

I shall become a dream, and through the little opening

of your eyelids I shall slip into the depths of your sleep;

and when you wake up and look round startled,

like a twinkling firefly I shall flit out into the darkness.

When, on the great festival of PUJA,

the neighbours' children come and play about the house,

I shall melt into the music of the flute

and throb in your heart all day.

Dear suntie will come with your PUJA presents and will ask,

"Where is our baby, sister? Mother you tell her softly,

"He is in the pupils of my eyes,

he is my body and my soul."

[mamabets]

For All~ Have any of you felt like I am realizing that I now do, most of the time...Life, as we once knew it, went with our kids , as we all fell to our knees... A dear Mom called me "Humpty Dumpty" the other day...She lost her daughter over ten years ago~ Yes, they do live on so magically in our hearts and souls, and they have gone on to a place where we will join them again one day, but everything is so compartmentalized now...Whether it is the pain that we feel, the joy that we are willing to feel, the hurt that people have left us holding, or the confusion of each part of all...Life has become a maze, and I think that what is so hard is trying to figure out which way to turn to find that minute, that hour and somehow, that day of peace, when daily living can make some sort of sense, for this is how it now is... I think that we all, as humans, have lived life, doing what has been in front of us at the moment...We never, for so many years, gave it much thought. This is the innate power of a loving parent...You do what you do, the best way that you can, with all that you have, with all whom you love, much less adore!! THIS loss of a child arena throws us into a constant whirl of emotions, and trying to either find your way around it carefully, or to naturally try to make any sense of it is completely foreign to us all. Welcome to planet WHERE??? Understanding that this feeling of "being lost in each moment" is normal..Learning how to just get through each moment by accepting the "whirl" is normal... Yet, this, like any other life experience is an apparent process. Although we all know each other now by heart, each day is different for each of us, until days end...Then, we gather and remember... Advice comes naturally in one's life that is naturally in sync with a heart filled with compassion..I have met the most sensitive, wonderful, genuine people through this..That makes sense, for I have never needed people more...I love you all !!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[shuugar]

Mamabets

Nobody could have said that better.

SO, SO TRUE

[momgran]

Mamabets: So aptly put....you've put into words what we all feel...I will take these thoughts with me to work and they will shape my day!

Thank you my dear!

Debbie

[mikesmomrs]

To all: I've read over the posts this morning and, as Debbie said, I will take these thoughts with me today. Mamabets, so very on the mark, and the poems, just so touching and spirit stirring.

Claudia; my prayers are with you for comfort...I know how I am when my husband is gone for hours; I can't imagine being in the middle of where you are for a month! God bless you! I spent a year without my husband, when my oldest was one, thanks to the Air Force, and if it wasn't for my family, I'd have withered, I know. Peace to you, Claudia.

to all--please find peace and sweet memories today, even if only for a moment.

I do love you all, and your support and love for me is what keeps me going, as Mike's 1st angel date looms ever closer.

love,

carol MIKESMOMRS

[simonsmam]

Gramma,

I can understand your difficulty in deciding whether to go ahead with the tv tribute for your daughter. We had Simon’s inquest 9 months after his death. It was reported in our local paper where they told of our ongoing grief in coming to terms with his death ( his accident and funeral had been covered in the paper ).This report had been seen by a television producer who was making a programme about the continuing rise in motorcycle fatalities here in the UK. She rang us to say that it had really touched a raw nerve with her and that she wanted to include Simon’s story. She wanted to put across the total devastation, pain and agony a family go through when faced with such a sudden tragic loss. Simon’s accident was simply that….. an accident ………no speed involved, no drink , no other vehicle , no mechanical defects. He was just doing a favour for a friend, taking the bike to be serviced. His accident happened just up the road where we live. We have to pass this spot every time we leave the village.

It was a long difficult day filming the programme. The film crew was superb…so kind and compassionate. I seem to go into coping mode at times like this and put on a brave face. Simon’s Dad was at the scene of the accident and held his hand during the attempt to save him. Naturally when recalling the events of that fateful day, he gets very emotional and tearful. To see a man cry on screen really did bring home such a powerful message of life after the loss of a loved one. We took part in the programme with the hope of making an impression on other riders and that it would make them think a little before they make their journey. If only one life could be saved then the programme would be worthwhile. Ironically, the programme was shown on his first birthday away from us and felt like a moving tribute to him.

Hope this helps in some way, love to and kind wishes to you. XXX

[momgran]

Simonsmam: Thanks for sharing that lovely story. How brave of you and Simon's father to face the media in your fragile state. I'm sure your message was heard by many, and as you say, Please God it will save even just one life.

Mikesmomrs/Carol: Our first Angel Dates are so very close. You October 16 and mine October 22. We'll have to hold on really tightly to each other! Where has this 10+ months gone??!!! It's all such a blur...yet there are moments that will be branded in my memory forever.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[namarella]

To everyone,

Although I haven’t written in awhile, I do check in every few days and so appreciate the compassionate sharing that happens here. I, too, have become adept at putting on the brave face and going on with my life, but it’s not the same life, is it? Everything changed when Eric died, I’ve just been turned inside out, but have to go to work every day and somehow find a way to function. We’re never really the same, our priorities in life aren’t the same. An acquaintance of ours lost her son this past week, close to the same age Eric would have been, a young man with a similar story. Realizing what intense pain this mother will go through about knocked my husband and me over for a few days. I kept thinking what words of comfort we could possibly give her, we relieved the pain of those first awful days. What mostly came to my mind was to let her know about this website, that she’s not alone, that others will understand and willingly go on this hard journey with her.

I’ve also had a hard time with photos of our son. Though we do have some more recent ones around the house, I’ve been unable to look at the ones when he was younger..they tear me up. His face is so open, laughing and eager; what would we have done differently if we’d known what we know now? It’s like watching a movie where you know it has a bad ending, you hope somehow the ending will change, but can’t change it. I do think the second year is harder in a way; people don’t ask how we’re doing anymore, you’ve somehow made it past all the firsts, but (as Claudia said earlier) you realize the loss is forever and it begins to sink in.

Thanks to Simonsmom and Debbie for the wonderful poems - they so perfectly describe how I feel about my son. He’s very definitely with me (yes, Mamabets, I’ve read Hello from Heaven and I’ve had some of those experiences) and I try to listen to what he’s telling me. Blessings and peace to everyone here. Colleen, Eric’s mom

[momgran]

Namarella: What you've said about the effect your Eric's photos when he was younger has on you, as opposed to the more recent ones, just goes to show how 'unique' our grief experiences are. I suppose it has a lot to do with so many different factors. I'm pleased you enjoyed the poem...so very deep and touching. I really don't like hearing that the second year is harder...I'm approaching my first year on Oct 22! But you're not the only one who's remarked on that. I guess I must just continue taking it one day at a time.

MikesmomRS/Carol: I know I emailed you to apologize for the error in your Mike's Angel day but I want to make it public SO sorry dear...I've added Mike's website to our tribute and there's a special little entry in the separate tribute I've just created for Pavarotti!

To All: If you visit:

http://katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html

I have a new video for us Moms. This isn't our Angel video and on that subject, I'd love to have more photos and or websites to add to our next video.

Please let me know if you wish for your Angels to be included in the second one.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[simonsmam]

My husband and I have just spent a lovely day in the garden with our grandchildren. The sun was shining ( quite a novelty here in the UK !!! ), the sky was so blue and the grass so green. One of those days when you cannot fail to be impressed by the beauty of the world we live in. We had a wonderful picnic of finger foods……the little ones think of it as a little party. They played on the trampoline, swings, slide, bikes, pushed toy prams, played ball games. The garden was filled with the sound of such fun and laughter. There was never a dull moment tending to the needs of a 4 month old baby, a 15 month old, two 2 year olds and an 8 year old. So much love to be both given and received. How lucky we are !!! BUT…………………….all through this busy, happy day the words ‘SIMON’S GONE, SIMON’S DEAD’ keep running through my head. It’s like listening to a radio and these awful news flashes keep on occurring. To any onlooker I would appear to be having such a lovely time without a care in the world. No-one could begin to imagine my inner turmoil as outwardly I laugh out loud or smile. Whatever we do our pain and heartache never leaves us .I find it so hard to accept the fact that this is our life now and nothing we do can ever change it . This second year is even harder. The reality has set in but in a strange way this reality itself feels so unreal. I hope this makes sense.

A week has passed since I joined this site. I would like to thank everyone for their messages and replies. I have found so much support here…..it feels like a special bond and friendship.

LOVE AND SPECIAL WISHES TO YOU ALL

XXX

[momgran]

Hi Simonsmam: How lovely your day with your grandchildren sounds! It's amazing, isn't it how we can appreciate the beauty around you but there is still that awful, black hole inside you!! When you speak of the disbelief, I remember after our 8 day trip to South Africa for my daughter Pippa and her son Kieran's funeral, I would stand in the garden, facing my fiance and asked him over and over "Pippa and Kieran are dead....aren't they!!!" He was so very gentle and compassionate and unfortunately the only answer he could give me was 'Yes, my Darling...I'm afraid they are'. I still have to ask myself that question more often than I care to! It's the strangest phenomenon...knowing they're gone, but not wanting to 'accept' it. As you say, there absolutely nothing we can do to change that reality! I sometimes wish I was completely crackers and lived with the delusion they were still alive. But I live in hope...day in and day out...that there will be some peace and acceptance at some point in the future. This reality, for us Moms, truly is torture. So unfair...we're given this amazing capacity by nature to love our children so very deeply and then they're taken from us.....OH GOD!! How cruel nature can be ....but we still cannot deny her beauty..which takes us back to your lovely day.

I suppose the fact we can 'look' happy and normal means we are making some progress...but 'they' don't see what goes on behind closed doors when the 'tsunamis' hit, do they?

I'm curious to know which city you live in? I lived in Portsmouth for six years....many many years ago. My first two children were born there.

Do take care Simonsmam and I hope the lovely memories of today give you some comfort.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[simonsmam]

Momgran,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I live in a former mining valley 20 miles from Swansea , South Wales. It is a very close knit community and we have had so much support. People still approach us in the village and ask how we all are. Lots of people know us well because my husband is a caretaker in 3 local schools and I have worked as a teacher of 3 to 7 year olds in 2 of the schools. Unfortunately, I have not been able to return to work since Simon’s accident. I don’t have the strength or energy on a physical, emotional or intellectual level to cope with the job I so loved. My special role in school was playing the piano for morning assembly, concerts and teaching singing. I can no longer be all singing, all dancing and with all my former vitality. At the moment it takes all my energy to just exist from day to day. Music in particular has the ability to upset me when I least expect it.

My husband and I often ask ourselves why this dreadful tragedy has happened to us. We have always looked after and loved other people’s children in our working lives. One of Simon’s sisters is a senior nurse in charge of a busy hospital ward. Simon’s wife was half way through her nurse training when Simon died. We just ask WHY? WHY? WHY?

I do get so much comfort from spending time with Simon's wife, my girls and their families and really do have so much to be grateful for.

LOVE AND HUGS TO YOU XXX

[momgran]

Simonsmam: I've been to Swansea, briefly, years ago when we would catch the ferry to Cork. Such a beautiful part of the country. I'm surprised at how many bereaved Mom's have great difficulty returning to work. I felt somewhat 'useless' when I couldn't manage it. I went back three weeks after the accident but just couldn't cope at all. I think a lot of it was the fact my coworkers, who had always greeted me enthusiastically when I arrived in the mornings, had suddenly lost their tongues and did their utmost to avoid me. That was devastating! They just couldn't face me. I also found that my job was truly a dead end job, just doing it for the income, so I only worked part time for four months then quit altogether for a couple of months. I just felt so 'isolated' from the world...couldn't bear to see young moms with their toddlers...couldn't bear to see toddlers! I felt as though I was walking about with "Bereaved Mother' emblazoned on my forehead! I felt like a walking abcess, ready to burst at any moment.

But a dear friend put in a word for me at a business college where he works and I now have a very enjoyable job. It's still quite a struggle of course.

The music...yes...there's a radio at my desk at work and I can't have it on during the day because any music of the past 29 years can send me into paroxysms of grief!

Yes..the WHY WHY! The minister who presided over the funeral service came to visit us the day before and he said the first bit of advice he was going to give us was "You grieve with this (pointing to his heart), not with this (pointing to his head). There are no WHY's. It was an accident.

When all is said and done, that is precisely what it was. In a few brief seconds their wonderful, amazing, youthful lifeforces were snuffed out. And here we are, you and your husband, me and my ex husband and all the parents on this site...trying to hold it together. Thank heavens for this website...and you!

My aren't we chatting tonight!

Take Care

Debbie

[mikesmum]

Momgran and all those that visit. Its been 8 months since Micheal died. Being the ambulance dispatcher on the day he died and my husband being the ambulance officer that attended it has been very hard for me to return to work. I tried 4 weeks after he died. With the funeral behind us I thought going back and being busy would help. I was so wrong. I lost what was left of my mind and it took 7 months to regain some of who I once was. I have chosen to leave emergency work behind opting for the non urgent work environment. Unfortunately both services are housed within the same large open plan office.

Just like you I found when I returned people who had known me 7 years in the job were lost for words. It wasn’t just their lack of conversation, but the avoidance at any level that confused me. I returned in Feb and felt there was a sign on my head that read ‘warning-mother of the deceased-avoid or approach with caution’. That still remains today.

Having worked through to this point I worked for 2 days only to be served with a legal proceeding from Micheal’s partner. We have not spoken since February and she has made it clear through her legal team we will never see our grandchild again. However, she wanted a legal order preventing us from contacting or sending gifts to our grandchild.

I asked for time off to attend court my boss told me this same woman had been writing to the company accusing me of harassing her from work, calling police to visit her and accessing information regarding Micheals death. They had a number of complaints, but given I hadn’t been working they thought her complaints a nuisance with no need to follow them up.

This all took place Friday 7th. My family were required to attend and all the details of January were rehashed yet again. The courts found her request to be unreasonable and ordered her to allow us to send gifts with the option of seeing her in the not too distant future. I thought finally some light in our otherwise dark time.

Wrong. When I got home, the Coroner had sent us a letter asking if there was anything further for Micheals inquest set down for 26th September. This is the day before his daughters 2nd birthday.

I forget where I left my keys, what date I have to see the psych, where I left my glasses or what I did yesterday-but just mention Jan 18 2007 and I can give you every detail from 9:35am when we got the call till 7:00pm when I fell through the door having fulfilled my work obligations and my mother obligations to tell my other two babies about their brothers death. After that much of the past months are still a blur of tears, darkness and never ending pain.

Blessed be to those who find their way, I will continue to search.

[momgran]

Baby Andrew I wish you a Happy Birthday! As always, I still see your sweet little face and wonder how you would have looked at this age. You were so much like your grandfather, I've always imagined you would have grown to be tall and dark like hiim. You are now resting with your sister, your nephew and your Grandparents in the Garden or Memory. How tragic that this has happened in the wrong order....but I will carry you in my heart and my soul till I join you there in that place of rest.

Love Mom

[momgran]

Mikesmum: I'm astounded that your son's partner has the 'right' to prevent you from spending time with your Grandchild! How tragic that you can't at least find comfort in knowing you can share your life with Mike's child. I hop that in time this issue will be resolved for you and your husband.

Also, being so involved at the time of his death would have been extremely traumatic for you. I'm not surprised it's taking so long for you to be able to cope again. My daughter and grandson were miles away in South Africa when they died in a car accident and I sometimes feel guilty that I wasn't there to 'help' them or hold their hands. But I'm assured they went 'instantly' by the survivors of the crash. There was nothing that could be done.

I even remember every little detail of the day my baby Andrew died, 32 years ago. I remember step by step what happened up until I found him dead. He died of SIDS so it was very sudden and unexpected. I know I did recover from that tragedy over the years but this loss is 'different' in that I had 29 years with my daughter, my best friend, and 4 1/2 with my grandson. I'm also so much older and jaded and feel at times that I cannot see a 'rosy' future ahead. But I do have 'hope' and appreciation for the good things I still have in my life and if I am given this challenge, I really must carry on and let my life 'dictate' what is in store for me in the future.

My memory is shocking these days, too! It scares me sometimes. I think that we have so much 'video' playing in our heads, trying to come to terms with our loss, that there's little space left for anything else. Our poor bodies and minds have sooooo very much to adjust to.....how on earth can we ever accept losing our children. But at some point, if we are to retain our sanity, we must.

I hope the unpleasant issues you are forced to deal with become resolved, Mikesmum, and you can move towards finding peace and some joy in your life.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[momgran]

PS: If you have difficulty connecting with the link I've added at:

http://katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html

then you can type the direct link:

http://katzndogz.powweb.com/Pavarotti.html

for my little tribute.

[mikesmomrs]

Momgran: I send prayers to you for your sweet Andrew's birthday. May moments of precious memories warm you.

love and peaceful moments,

carol MIKESMOMRS

[mamabets]

For Momgran~ Blessed are those whose lives have been touched by you and your sweet Angels~

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, Andrew~ With much love to you each and every day!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxox

[mamabets]

For All~ I read something today and it grabbed at my heart ~ Had to share it with all of you~...

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight" Kahil Gibran

So full of sorrow are our hearts...So many tears...So full of sweet love are the miles of smiles embedded forever...

I love you all!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[momgran]

Carol & Mamabets: :Thank you for your loving words and good wishes!

Mamabets: Thank you too for that lovely thought. I was given the book the 'Prophet' by a friend years ago but I lent it to someone and never got it back. Such a lovely philosophy.

For All: My daughter in law's mother sent me this verse yesterday, passed on by a friend who lost her husband last year, six days after Pippa and Kieran died.

“If I should die and leave you here awhile,

Be not like others, soon undone, who keep

Long vigil by the silent dust and weep.

For my sake turn again to life and smile,

Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do

Something to comfort weaker hearts than thine.

Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine,

And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.”

Love Peace and Patience,

Debbie

[momgran]

PS: The poem I just posted is by : Thomas Gray