Loss of an Adult Child

[wjulia]

When Jonathan was born he was so quiet, so much different than my first child. I always felt like he was an old soul. I had already lost my first to a late miscarraige, so I kept him with me the whole time I was in the hosp. and later at home. So easy to care for , His siblings always called him a suck up, but I just think he didnt want people to be hurt or angry. His feelings could be hurt easily so hedidnt want to hurt others. He cared for nature, when he went hunting with a good friend of ours , like they do here , he shot his first deer, he hated it and never went again . He cared about people, when his dad died, he stepped up and tryed to be the man of the house, but I just wanted him to enjoy his youth. I dont think he understood that and it hurt him when i didnt let him run things here. Its so sad to know there is so much pain here, do you do like me and hide behind your smiles. My boss thinks im healing but he has no clue. I barely even become to accept it.

[4everjoeysmom]

Wjulia, Yes I think all of us here have been down the road of fake smiles and actions just to get through another day. It's so hard. So many outsiders looking in think things like we are healing fast, we are strong, etc... If only they knew... and Thank God they don't know the kind of pain and reality we do. But still it's so hard to go on in a world that carries on while we are stuck somewhere between history and life torn away from us. I've learned over time to be open about my grief whether others around me are comfortable with it or not, because I want and need to be real. A dear friend here on BI sent to me a mourning bracelet (black runner with the words In Mourning) and a lapel pin that is a black ribbon. i wore those outwardly and if people asked, then I told them. Otherwise they maybe just saw and had a clue, which was helpful for me and them, I suppose. Anyway, please know I am thinking of you and praying that you can draw some strength to get through moment by moment, one day at a time. Hugs, Claudia

[mamabets]

For wjulia~ Julia, what a beautiful name...My first grandaughter's name is Julia...I ADORE her!!! I adore all of the kids, this one just has a spirit that is infectious... She said to me today, at the tender age of 8, "Oh, I am always so happy to help" when I told her that she was such a big help with her new baby sister, Caroline, and her 2 little doggies...

They live in Wisconsin, my daughter and her little family...

You have had multiple losses, this is for sure... God love you is all I can say...My heart goes out to you. You certainly have captured mine...

We welcome you here, and are all here to help guide you as you travel down this road. I have been along the sides of many dear people here, as my son Danny, age 25, left this Earth and traveled to his new dimension in June of 2004. It is commonly known as "death", but he so lives on... I hear him speak to my heart "Ma, I didn't die- I am with you always..."

He didn't die, for his spirit is captivating. BUT, my God, I did... The wond COMPLETELT knocked out of my sails.. I would not be who I am today had it not been for the help, love and support from the people here at Beyond Indigo...My forever friends, that I could pick out in a crowded room, without a doubt...

It is hard to believe that the most compassionate peole seem to be those that have suffered such tragedies, but it is sadly the case. We must all be headed for a better tomorrow, somewhere, somehow. I do KNOW that my eternity began the moment my Danny's did... My one way ticket to him that is only separated by time, because a love like this never, ever, ever dies.

Life, as we knew it, certainly dies HERE when we lose a child.. A new kind of life begins, and when Rose Kennedy was quoted once as saying "Yes, I have had many tragedies, but I have also had much joy", I shook my head...I have always been very thankful for all in my life..THIS, however, has brought me to my knees. For me, I can't begin to even put the joy with the sadness... I admire your strength and courage to join us here. My coping skills are gone forever,it seems, yet I remain optimistic. People say to me "Do you think you are strong?" and my answer is the same every time..."I know that I am not"... I just go along, help when I can, and very often "freeze until I thaw...."

I am not alone...I am reminded each and every moment of someone who, at this very moment, is being thrown into a shock zone, unlike no other. I close my eyes, and bow my head...

God love you, and know that your bravery HELPS all of us here~ I speak from my heart, and for many, I am sure...

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[donosmom]

I don't get to post often, but I read everyday. I am so grateful for BI. I pray daily for everyone here. Here is Matthew's web page.

Matthew's Mama Mary

11/3/79 - 7/13/03

http://matthew-lebeau.memory-of.com/

[momgran]

Dear friends: Thank you so much for posting your children's memorial web addresses. I've been to visit, Joey, Matthew, Bobbi, James, Danny and Davey. They all send their love I am truly overwhelmed when I visit your children and what a tragic loss it is to us all, such beautiful people, so heartbreakingly young with so much life ahead of them. But they all seem to have that something 'special' didn't they.

Mary; the verse you have on Matthew's site, I have on the home page of mine, about Footprints on the Heart. It's such a lovely verse.

I'm working on a special tribute I'd like to share with you all so if you'd like to include your babies and you don't have a website I can go to to get photos, you can email me 3 of your favourite photos, your child's full names and nickname and dates to:

dfbarton@sympatico.ca

I'm enjoying my little project and look forward to sharing as a token of my appreciation for all your TLC in the past 10 months.

Love Peace and Patience to you all.

Debbie

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie, YOU ARE A SWEET HEART! Hugs, Joey's Mom

[shuugar]

MOTHERHOOD - IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family". "We're taking a survey," she says half joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on the weekend, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in child birth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonalds will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of those clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may beat the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring. She will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs'.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my friend could sense the bond she'll feel with women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future. I want to describe o my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the table, squeeze my friend's hand, and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings, the blessed gift of being a Mother.

I wanted to share this with you all... Shuugar

[mamabets]

For shuugar~ Absolutely beautiful... We know this world, unlike many others, for our angels are among so many beautiful sets of wings. They are all so unique. They will carry us and watch us from afar, while never leaving our sides.

I always believed that it's how one lives, that clearly determines how one moves on. I now, without a shadow of a doubt, know...

Thank you for sharing this~

AMEN and God Bless You...

LOVE,

mamabets xoxo

[judy20]

Dear shuggar

If you wrote this last message yourself,BRAVO!!!!!! It should be sent to any magazine that are read by working mothers. They need to know when all is said and done,that we get one chance at all those experiences you discribed and we should savor every second. I was one of those "Lucky " woman,who came of age when we could take birth control and have it "all". I missed so much of my precious only childs life,that I would give it "all" up to have them back.The woman of today need to know this.

[janeensmom]

Profound and so true. Thank you for sharing it with us...Hus, Vikki

[shuugar]

Author Unknown.....

[mamabets]

For shuugar~ That really is just so special...Again, thank you so much for sharing it..

LOVE,

mamabetsxoxoxox

[wjulia]

What an absolutly beautiful and truthful statement. The only thing it doesnt mention is how to stop my first thought of every day , since june 5, 2007.

I open my eyes and the first thing I think is MY SON IS DEAD. Im mad today,,,,,, really really mad.

[momgran]

Claudia: Thank you....such loving words!

Shuugar: I had read this beautiful piece only once before. Thank you so very much for posting it because it has special memories for me. I read it shortly after my daughter told me she was pregnant. My heart was so full for her and the baby boy she carried..knowing what she had ahead of her. My daughter and grandson were devoted to each other .....now they're gone, together. When my mind was crazy with all the 'what if's' I thought of the possible scenarios...if my daughter had survived the accident and lost her precious little man....if he had survived and had to live without 'Mom'. But all the what if's are so futile. They both went together and, as many here have said....I still can't believe it!!! After 10+ months. This wound is still so open. I long for the day I can think of them and smile.

I had lost my second son, Andrew to SIDS when he was seven weeks old and many years later I wrote this poem. After 31 years I still celebrate his birthday in my heart and feel the chill of his Angel day. I remember every minute detail of that day.

SIDS

I saw him lift the rigid little body

And the words "He's dead, Darling"

fell from his lips like the final

sorrowful chords of a requiem.

As if a high powered cable had been

attached to my feet, the searing shock

surged through my body

scorching my heart, scrambling my thoughts

as it reached my brain

....leaving me prostrate.

My innocence was interred

with that dainty blue casket.

His passing led to the birth of the little princess,

who with the firstborn son

made our family complete.

With the merciful passage of time

grotesque visions of that cold, lifeless

form were replaced with memories

of a warm, yielding, squirming boy

whose face would distort disarmingly

in readiness for a lusty yell

...and I could smile again.

Love Peace and Patience to us all

Debbie

[momgran]

Wjulia: My heart aches for you. I know....we are forced to live out our days without the person/people that made our lives complete...that defined us in our most precious roles as mothers! Our surviving children (God Bless those who lost their only child) still give us comfort and great love, but the void left my our lost ones can never be filled! Screaming is a good thing~!

Take Great Care

[jimsmama]

I'm so right where you are Julia. First thing in the morning, last thing at night, and all the time in between, my son is dead. I feel overwhelming and constant sadness. Mentally, emotionally and physically sick. May we all have some peace and God bless us all. Love, Judy

[shuugar]

Wjulia

It will never stop...Once a Mom....always a Mom no matter what. For me, even after 16 months, my son James is the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing I think of when I sleep and if I'm lucky I can dream.

If life was as it should be, my thoughts would be on ordinary things

This might be a odd analagy but, I don't think of my hand every waking minute of every day but when it is broken then it's all I think of . Our Lives have been broken and the wound will never heal. I'm told that the pain will lessen as time goes on but I know there's no cure for this hurt, I guess it's because we are Moms

[mamabets]

For All~ I clearly, today, remember how KATRINA devastated lives so many lives 2 years ago. I remember being unable to "feel" then...I remember saying to my husband "Why am I not jumping in with this compassionate heart of mine, Dean?????"

I then heard a small voice say to my heart..."Because, you have cried that river..."

Today, I "feel" again...I know what it is like to weep for a nation, and I know what it is like to cry happy tears... I embrace this part of my life, because this LOVE carries on, and never dies. This much, we all know for certain.

I know that there is heartfelt hope that beats within me, still. Danny and I try the best that we can to do carry the messages of LOVE and HOPE.. We are always still here together, just differently. These are no words of comfort early on in this journey, but before long, they often can help. When I can't face this, I don't...When I can, I do. You can only do the best that you can at any given moment...It's like being on a boat in the middle of an ocean with no way off, when it comes to feeling anything.

I understand all of you, and would love to hope for a brighter tomorrow. The truth, however, is that tomorrow never comes, it seems, and yesterday surely did. I promise you that bright moments do come again...

Be gentle with yourselves, always~

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[momgran]

Shuugar: That was an excellent analogy about the hand. I still think of Pippa and Kieran first thing in the morning, all through the day, and the last thing before I close my eyes at night. But as Mamabets says, with time it does become a little less intense...althought we still have those intense moments of course..but the more time that passes I find, as Mamabets also said, the more the light of hope creeps in and I feel 'closer' to my babies and there are writings and words that can comfort me. In the beginning there was NO comfort...just darkness and pain. I still have those times, but less often and less intense.

I hope you all hold on and ride the waves whatever way you can.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[Guest Guest]

I lost my 27 year old son in a motorcycle accident on May 20th 2006. During the last 15 months I have been on many grief websites and I have gained a lot of information on child loss and bereavement. I have never used chatrooms before but feel now is the time to contribute myself and I look forward to words of comfort and support from you all. We have joined an exclusive club that no-one wishes to join in the first place. I feel only other bereaved parents can fully understand the devastation and pain we feel on this terrible journey we face as we try to come to terms with the loss of our precious children.

Simon was my youngest child and my only son.Ihave 2 daughters aged 33 and 29 and 5 grandchildren (one of whom was born 3 days after my son's accident)My eldest granddaughter was born on his 20th birthday and he called her his ' birthday girl'. Their birthdays are on

[Guest Guest]

I am having trouble with posting before I am ready must be first time nerves.I meant to say that their birthdays are on May 15th, 5 days before his accident. This means that we will always have to ensure that my granddaughter has a happy day while we still remember uncle Sim too.my grandson was born on May 23rd 3 days after the accident May is an emotional time for us all now.We have a new grandaughter of 4 months and another baby due next spring.So much to be grateful for but everything is so bittersweet.How do we come to terms with losing our strapping 6ft 7in healthy son? He had been married for nearly 2 years and lived in our street.No-one could ever begin to imagine the toll this takes on us physically, emotionally ,mentally and spiritually. I too think of Simon last thing at night and first thing on waking.I cannot believe I have survived 15 months and just feel numb and so tired and emotionally exhausted at the moment. MY LOVE AND BEST WISHES TO YOU ALL. X

[gramma]

Dear guest,

I'm so sad that you lost your son Simon, and I only wish I could give you a hug and reassure you that you have not been forsaken.

You have been given a gift to be entrusted with your loving family and grandchildren... I know how it hurts when after a deep wound which is unbelievably painful even seems to get worse before getting better, but it does improve and heal with time, and so will you.

I guess I could say so much, and offer seemingly wise thoughts and experience, but instead seem to feel right now your disappointment and aloneness-even in the midst of many loved ones around you.

I sense the absense of my almost 37 yr old daughter Vangie, and even my infant daughter Kristina who lived only 1 day many years ago. Perhaps they are reminding me that they are still here beside me, but I can't get ahold of them like I'd love to in the form that they now take.

I believe your Simon is there with you too, and would love you to sense him as he is. He probably is quite happy and free, and want's you to be patient with yourself and be assured that you could never be alone..never, never! He left you with many to love and receive love from.

I hope you keep reading what you can take in, and receive anything that resonates to you from out of the best people can offer...Usually at least one thing rings clearly, and will lift your spirits, comfort and encourage you deep inside.

Peaceful thoughts,

Martha, Kristina and Vangie's mom

[shuugar]

Guest;

We had to do something similar to what you described. My son passed on the 20th of April and on the 24th we had birthday cake for my granddaughter,(my daughter and granddaughter live with me) and was the day ( years prior ) that we stood around my Fathers bed while he was given his last rites. The 25th was my son's funeral. The 25th was also the day my dad passed away and the day that same granddaughter was baptized, the 27th was birthday at the park with all of her school mates

[momgran]

Dear Guest: How heartbreaking to see you enter into our world, having lost your precious son, Simon. Our world is a sad one...but not hopeless...and this I've only learned in the past week or so. 10+ months after losing my daughter, Pippa and her sweet little boy, Kieran in a car accident..nearly 32 years after losing my 7 week old son Andrew, to SIDS. As we're on the subject of dates, I've been fortunate that my children's Angel days don't coincide with any 'life' events, but my son Andrew left us on October 28, 1975 and Pippa and Kieran left on October 22, 2006. The 28th has always been difficult because of Andrew and last year I was to attend a birthday party for a friend. I had decided that this day, too, as long as I lived, should be celebrated, for the first time in 31 years! But, alas, I was in South Africa planning my daughter and grandson's funeral. So I've made a pact with myself, whether it's Jan 1, or Dec 31, all the days between are just days ....days that mark a day in ours and our loved one's lives ...and they all should be celebrated because they represent a significant occasion in our lives. A LIFE EXPERIENCE! We cannot choose which of these experiences, whether we judge them as being Happy...or Sad...or Tragic ....or Indifferent....are important....they all are...in forming us into the human beings we will be when we exit this plane of existance. Our choices are limited at times, but in our rare moments of lucidity, they are boundless.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[mamabets]

For Momgran~ AMEN!!!

In a word,LOVE...When our time comes, more of the same...All of our sweet angels will be waiting!!!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxoxoxo

[simonsmam]

Thank you so much for replying to my post.Reading them has really lifted my spirits and even warmed a little corner of my broken heart. It has made me focus on all the things I still have to be grateful for.......my wonderful husband of 33years, my beautiful 2 daughters and their lovely husbands, Simon's dear wife and, of course, my gorgeous 5 grandchildren. We have also received so much ongoing support from the close knit community we live in. Nothing can bring back my precious boy but I truly appreciate all the love around me.I just have to use this love to focus on Simon's life and all the special times and memories we have rather than think about his tragic death. LOVE AND SPECIAL THOUGHTS TO YOU ALL XXX

[momgran]

mambets, Simonsmam: As the good old Beatles tune says "All you need is LOVE". I'm even developing a loving environment in my new job...wonderful people...to add to my treasure chest of loved ones! How fortunate we are to have these wonderful people in our lives. To those who are alone...and lonely....reach into your own heart to find the love you deserve within yourselves and then reach out....admit you're lonely....you want someone to care for you and help you through this awful time. People are amazingly kind when you open up to them! If you don't say how desperately sad and lonely you are, noone will know and you will be left to 'get on with it'. We all need some TLC. We certainly get a good dose of it here at BI. Thank you my friends!

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[bbarbie55]

Hi!

Haven't been on in a while my jobs keeping me busy and the meds help me sleep.

Last night as I looked in my family bible I came across my daughters death notice and the tears came, my grandson said I miss mommy but I don't cry. I told him I was her mommy and I miss her. I just seem to be doing better and then something comes up.

I was in a car accident yesterday and our van was damaged pretty bad and the impact threw into the door and knocked my glasses off. The cop gave me the ticket even though she stated she saw me and didn't stop I was almost through the intersection when it happened I think she did it on purpose. and she didn't give us insurance info.

My days have to get better.

Deb

[duwadity]

Just a little over a year ago my husband came home one day to tell me that he was leaving me for another woman, two weeks later I got a call from my oldest son that my middle son was dead at 22 yrs old and then a week later I was supposed to move out of my house. I was numb to say the least. To top it off I found out the night my son died that he was having a baby with someone that I was not very happy about him being with. I had to find a second job and eventually a third job to make it financially and try to keep my head on straight. Most everything I had went into storage and I ended up renting a room from someone. Not what I was used to, but it worked. Now it is over a year and I am down to two jobs with more time to think and feel. I think the 3 jobs was as much for my emotional sanity as it was for the money I needed. Now that I have more time, my feelings are catching up with me. I miss my son now more than I ever have since he passed and the pain is awful. We were so close and had so much fun together. He was the light of my life and now he has a son that is 7 mos old. The mother and I get along good now and I can see him whenever I want, but it is hard to see the baby without my son being there. Everytime I see Aiden, all I can think about is what it would be like if Michael were there to hold and play with him. I now he would have been a good dad. It is hard for me to the point of not wanting to see him because the pain is so bad, but I also do not want to be out of my grandsons life. This is more than I bargained for and am so glad I found your web site. I tried grief counseling, but I was the only one who had lost a child and when I tried to talk about it, someone always changed the subject. It was a nice group, but I did not relate, so I dropped out. This is the first time I have ventured out to get help since then. Hope to gain more strength here.

[julsmom]

To Duwadity - the "unspoken secret" that we all know is that the 2nd year is much harder than the first. I think because the numbness wears off or any defenses we have put up come down. I am sorry that you have had to endure so much in so little time.

To all the new posters - may you all find peace in these posts.

Lynda

[julsmom]

After having said the below, it is 30 years since my Mom died, 5 years since we visited our daughter, Julie, on Long Island, and 4 years since we were together as a family (Mom, Dad, brother, sister). It was 6 weeks later that Julie at age 27 died in a auto accident. This board was a wonderful place for me to find comfort, peace and to vent. I don't read as much so I am sure that is a good sign of some sorts. I hesitate to use the word heal,because I am reminded of a quote by Rose Kennedy (mother of 3 sons who died, Joe, John, & Robert): It has been said that "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wound remains. In time, the mind (protecting its sanity) covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

But as we approach the end of the 4th year since Julie's death we move one step ahead at a time, we know what really is important and who true family and friends are, and try to find happiness. That doesn't mean I still don't cry when I really think I have it in control. That doesn't mean that the next 6 weeks will be a "piece of cake". But I know that after the valley there will be some peaks and I will hold on to those much more tightly.

Thank you to all who were here when I started posted. You were the inspiration that kept me moving.

May we all find peace and comfort, Lynda

[4everjoeysmom]

Duwadity, I am so sorry for you rloss. I too lost a son, Joey, last July at age 23. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to live through, and I can't imagine how I would ever stop hurting and missing him the way I do. It's different for me after a year. I spent the first year facing the waves head on, praying a lot and crying endless seas of salty tears. They couls probably name an ocean as much as I cried. I have no idea how I didn't drown. I had the freedom of a w0rk schedule that allowed me to hibernate, and do what I needed to do, even if a lot of days were spent in my pajamas, crying, begging God, whatever it took. Today I am able to function better, but my motivation still seems not what it was. But I am making it through with a brighter outlook on life than I had a year ago. While working so much and keeping busy to avoid thinking so much may keep the sanity in the short term, the problem of not facing the fullness of our grief is that it won't go anywhere and one day it will come to be reckoned with. I feel so much for what you are going through now. It's a long journey, and we are all riding it out here togeher, sharing and caring, and praying and listening, and we are all grateful for the one common thing we feel besides our grief--the knowing that we have friends here who truly and compassionately understand, and that we never have to feel alone because someone is always here caring and listening. Please keep coming here. Please keep writing out and venting your feelings. I am not very good at journaling, but when I look back on this board of many posts I made over the year, I can truly see how I've changed and grown through my pain and loss. I think many others could say that too. It doesn't mean we ever get over it. We're just somehow making it through... Hugs, Claudia

For SimonsMom, I am so sorry also for your loss. I haven't been writing here a lot, but have been reading, and you have been in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Claudia

[simonsmam]

Duwadity,like you I too lost my son just over a year ago. In the beginning I could not get out of my head that I would never see him as a dad and would never know the joy of having grandchildren by him.My husband felt differently and was glad no child would grow up missing their Dad. Now, however, we have grown more towards each other's views but I think we each yearn for a little part of him.But,having said that, my grandson who is nearly 3 is getting more and more like him.Lots of people outside the family can see it too but are afraid to mention it at first. I find it really comforting. There are times mind you, that it catches me unawares and it brings tears to my eyes.Because he is the child of my living daughter,naturally, I see him most days and have a really close relationship with him.I hope it will not be too long before you too will find comfort in your grandson as a wonderful link to your son.Ihope my words offer you a little help. We all go through so many similar situations when we lose a child. LOVE AND SPECIAL THOUGHTS TO YOU ALL. XXX

[duwadity]

Thank you so much for your input. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I cried, but a good cry. This is the first time I have ever been online for this. Thank you again....Cindy

Duwadity,like you I too lost my son just over a year ago. In the beginning I could not get out of my head that I would never see him as a dad and would never know the joy of having grandchildren by him.My husband felt differently and was glad no child would grow up missing their Dad. Now, however, we have grown more towards each other's views but I think we each yearn for a little part of him.But,having said that, my grandson who is nearly 3 is getting more and more like him.Lots of people outside the family can see it too but are afraid to mention it at first. I find it really comforting. There are times mind you, that it catches me unawares and it brings tears to my eyes.Because he is the child of my living daughter,naturally, I see him most days and have a really close relationship with him.I hope it will not be too long before you too will find comfort in your grandson as a wonderful link to your son.Ihope my words offer you a little help. We all go through so many similar situations when we lose a child. LOVE AND SPECIAL THOUGHTS TO YOU ALL. XXX

[duwadity]

Thank you Claudia, I wish I had known about this site a yr ago. But then maybe I was not ready for it. I know that I am now though, if I don't keep coming here, I will wither up. Thank you again. Cindy

Duwadity, I am so sorry for you rloss. I too lost a son, Joey, last July at age 23. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to live through, and I can't imagine how I would ever stop hurting and missing him the way I do. It's different for me after a year. I spent the first year facing the waves head on, praying a lot and crying endless seas of salty tears. They couls probably name an ocean as much as I cried. I have no idea how I didn't drown. I had the freedom of a w0rk schedule that allowed me to hibernate, and do what I needed to do, even if a lot of days were spent in my pajamas, crying, begging God, whatever it took. Today I am able to function better, but my motivation still seems not what it was. But I am making it through with a brighter outlook on life than I had a year ago. While working so much and keeping busy to avoid thinking so much may keep the sanity in the short term, the problem of not facing the fullness of our grief is that it won't go anywhere and one day it will come to be reckoned with. I feel so much for what you are going through now. It's a long journey, and we are all riding it out here togeher, sharing and caring, and praying and listening, and we are all grateful for the one common thing we feel besides our grief--the knowing that we have friends here who truly and compassionately understand, and that we never have to feel alone because someone is always here caring and listening. Please keep coming here. Please keep writing out and venting your feelings. I am not very good at journaling, but when I look back on this board of many posts I made over the year, I can truly see how I've changed and grown through my pain and loss. I think many others could say that too. It doesn't mean we ever get over it. We're just somehow making it through... Hugs, Claudia

For SimonsMom, I am so sorry also for your loss. I haven't been writing here a lot, but have been reading, and you have been in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Claudia

[duwadity]

Noone ever told me the 2nd yr was harder. I'm glad, the first was horrible, I could not have handled know the next yr would be more pain. Thank you. Cindy

To Duwadity - the "unspoken secret" that we all know is that the 2nd year is much harder than the first. I think because the numbness wears off or any defenses we have put up come down. I am sorry that you have had to endure so much in so little time.

To all the new posters - may you all find peace in these posts.

Lynda

[duwadity]

Thank you so much for that sug. I needed to read it, it helped. Thanks again, Cindy

MOTHERHOOD - IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE

We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family". "We're taking a survey," she says half joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on the weekend, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in child birth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonalds will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of those clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may beat the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring. She will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs'.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my friend could sense the bond she'll feel with women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future. I want to describe o my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the table, squeeze my friend's hand, and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings, the blessed gift of being a Mother.

I wanted to share this with you all... Shuugar

[mamabets]

For duwadity~ I am so sorry that you are here, so very sorry, but happy at the same time that you have found us. This place will POSITIVELY help you keep your sanity when you feel as if you have lost it all. Yes, the second year is harder, as it will prepare you for the third year, when it starts to lift some. My Danny was 25 when he died in June of 2004..He died here, as I did too, yet he continues to live on in everything that I do...Everything that I feel, begins with him and his memory. He was, and therefore still is, an amazing spirit...He lit up every room, so I now know that his light guides my way. We will be with them again, they are with us still...They have started our eternity with them. However, having said all of this, I have had a few VERY difficult days, and can not put my finger on any one thing, no particular trigger. I just MISS him, period. I MISS not being able to throw something out, and have him come back with a one line quick fix... I am realizing more and more and more each day that he knew me like no other. And, vice versa...He could ask me anything, and I understood. My hubby is trying so hard to help me pick up these pieces, and for him and my family, I try. My daughter has our grandbabies, so she is functioning at being a winderful Mommy..She too, lost a best friend...They were 14 months apart and laughed together until they cried... We are doing the best that we can, and that is all one can do. Be gentle with your sweet self, and know that we are all here to help you find your way...

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[mamabets]

For Simonsmam~ Bless your heart...Another Mom who has lost at life, as I call it. I am comforted in reading how you and your hubby seem to be grieving differently, yet are coming together...As I have said through this..."Men are supposed to be from Mars, women from Venus...I have been to neither, so I will accept my dear hubby just as he is"... He was, and is, very close to my kids, being my second hubby...Their father let them down tremendously, a walk that is no longer one that any of us have to be a part of. Please keep coming here to be with us, as we all welcome you and yours to our "family" here...

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[mamabets]

For Simonsmam~ My daughter has 2 daughters..One that was 5 when Danny passed on, June of 2004, and one that is 51/2 months old...Our 51/2 month old, we believe, has been with our Danny...She spent many days and nights with him prior to coming to be with us here, many sweet story times, and my daughter often says that she will look into her eyes and see Danny... Our 5 year old had so many stories about her "Uncle" being right with her. They ""colored together after his passing, they did puzzles, he would ride in the car and he would literally make her giggle!! One time she was laughing so hard and said that "Uncle" was sitting on her bookbag- When my daughter opened her bookbag, her Cheese-It crackers were all smushed, in the little ziploc bag!!! My daughter was caught a bit off guard at times, yet there was never any doubt, and there still isn't. There are many angels among us, and there are no coincidences, especially after something like this~ God Bless us all~

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[philsmom]

My deepest sympathy to all of you that have lost a child. I have not written in a couple of years, but today decided to "check in". It has been 5 years since I lost my son days before his 38th birthday. One day while riding home from work, I listen to talk shows as I can't listen to music since Phil died. Art Linkletter happened to be on the radio taking calls, and was discussing his new book on life. I called the radio station and was immediately put on the air. I asked Mr. Linkletter how he coped with the loss of two children, (he was about to lose a 3rd due to a severe illness) and he said to me, "Judie, you just have to live with the memories and talk about them and focus on the good times." I have been trying to do just that, but it is still difficult. I did find the second year to be the hardest. Keeping yourself busy, join clubs, groups or whatever can get you out of the house and with people. Some people can say what we would construe as mean, but forgive them as most people cannot imagine being in that position and truly don't know what to say to ease your pain. I have my daughter and granddaughters nearby and that's what keeps me going. I also belong to a club that makes brevement gowns for the hospitals for the babies that don't make it. Parents are so thankful for our gowns in their time of sorrow, it's a way of giving back.

Philsmom

[simonsmam]

For Mamabets,

How amazing! My daughter gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy born 3 days after Simon died. Watching him grow over the last 15 months is a constant marker of the time that has lapsed since the accident. He is the most happy, contented child especially when you consider that all his immediate family were in total turmoil due to the shock and devastation we had just suffered. He even attended Simon’s funeral because he was being breast fed. He has the most placid nature and is so chilled and laid back……just like his Uncle Sim. He also has his uncle’s hearty laugh and lovely smile. The wonders of Mother Nature!!!!!!

I went onto the website of your Danny .What a lovely looking boy! I enjoyed looking at the photo album but it made me cry as it just emphasised how many ordinary but happy families, go through the same agonies when hit by such grief. Why did we have to lose our wonderful handsome sons.? By the way, Simon’s middle name is Daniel and he used to love it when I sang ‘Danny boy’ to him when he was a tiny baby. He always gave me big beaming smiles!

I have only been on here for a few days but, already find it very comforting. I have been reading the entries since last year but recently found the courage to contribute. I am so glad I did.

MANY THANKS AND LOVE AND BEST WISHES TO YOU ALL. XXX

[aprilsmom]

Hello to some old friends (Betsy for sure) and to those of you who are new to Beyond Indigo. Claudia and Lynda were also here to help me through those times when I could not find a way to take a breath much less "move on" without my precious 26 yr. old daughter April. Yes, the second year was worse than the first!!! I'm about to come upon the three year mark and I still have some horrible days; I still find myself sobbing all of a sudden. Like many here, I am going to have my first grandchild in about 7 weeks and I am excited and scared that she might look and act like April........not that I wouldn't WANT that- April was such a joy.....it's just all so BITTERSWEET. She and my daughter Kristi,(31yrs soon-2-be mom), were only 20 mos. apart and very close. Everything we go through is just so LACED WITH SADNESS- ya know? Of course you do. I also have Jami (26), Brett (19) and Alex (15). I've noticed lately that even when we are all together, there is this empty spot in our group, we all feel it but don't say anything to each other, we just catch the brief looks of sadness on the faces. Last night we were all talking about names for the baby and my husband asked if Kristi thought about using April. She was okay answering him about maybe using it as a middle name but when she looked at me I was almost biting through my bottom lip, trying not to cry. I don't even know where it came from-I had been fine just minutes before. I also wanted to ask Philsmom what it is like being at the 5 yr. mark, I know you still miss your son; but is the grief "softer" as they say? Do you feel hopeful about life in general? I just feel numb, numb. You might all think I'm crazy but sometimes I still can't BELIEVE that she's really gone......I know, I know, she's here with me, okay fine--but I want to see, talk, touch her. I just mmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss her- damn it, tears, again!! I also wanted to ask about the bereavement gowns? I sew and it just struck me as something else I can do to help someone else.

Love you Betsy! Peace to all of you, at least for a little while.

Renee

[simonsmam]

For Aprilsmom,

Just thought that I would share some thoughts with you about having grandchildren.It is such an awesome feeling. I often liken it to the feeling of falling in love! It is such an overwhelming , powerful and tender love. You just want to be with this new child talk about it ,show photos etc .Another lovely bonus is that it changes your relationship with your husband. How we love our roles as Nanna and Gramps. It has brought us even closer. Our eldest granddaughter is 8, then we have a grandson and granddaughter of nearly 3 (cousins not twins !!!) These were born before Simon died. Oh how he loved them! It brought so much joy to him when our first grandchild was born on his 20th birthday .She was always his ‘Birthday girl.’ It is so joyous watching your other children become aunties and uncles and watching as they too fall in love with these gorgeous babies. Our fourth grandchild was born 3 days after Simon died. My daughter decided to give him Simon’s name as his middle name….. I went with my son-in law to the maternity hospital to bring home the new arrival while Simon was in the chapel of rest at another .I have always used the term ‘bittersweet’ to describe events that take place now. My brother asked whether I thought that the sweet took away a bit of the bitter. I try to look at it this way around now. There is so much excitement around the birth and I am feeling excited for you. The first time you hold your grandchild is magic .It has been uppermost in our minds to ensure that the 5 little ones will have as happy a childhood as our 3 children. The last baby was born in April and there is one more due next spring .Quite an effort from Simon’s 2 elder sisters! I have to admit that they have been our salvation and given our lives a purpose. We see them nearly every day and they fill our home with noise and laughter.

I hope this gives you a little bit of encouragement and hope. Yes, there has been so much heartache over the last 15 months but we always talk about Simon and have such wonderful memories to share. Only our 8 year old is old enough to have her own memories of Uncle Sim but the others recognise him in photos and go with us all to take flowers for him.

The tears are never far away but the love we all feel for each other is strong and lives on. Simon was such a lively, vibrant character and lived life to the full. We are trying to carry on and do our best as a tribute to him.

LOVE AND HEARTFELT WISHES TO YOU ALL XXX

[momgran]

Hello Friends: Whew....I'm starting to get a bit overwhelmed with the number of 'new members' we have welcomed recently. So so sad to see you all here but it most definitely is one of the best decisions you've made to help you along on your tragic journey without your children.

Duwadity: It's been such an awful time for you, I would imagine you are only just beginning to be able to take a small breath! I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear son. I've found that I have only just barely been able to deal with the grief of losing my daughter and grandson in the past 10 months, but you've had to deal with your marriage ending, losing you home, starting over again. You are a brave soul! It takes great courage to reach out now, after all you've been through. We are here for you, as you've already seen. I think, as Claudia said, that you haven't really had a chance to 'grieve', to face your pain head on and get on with the very hard work of coming to terms with, and facing the loss of your child. That's what I've found to be a wonderful thing about B.I., I can 'vent' and let it out without feeling in any way judged or threatened. We're all in the same, oftentimes, sinking boat!

There's a lot of talk about grandchildren at the moment. My darling Kieran was our little Angel, the light of our lives. The minute he was born I felt as if I'd been given the chance to experience that wonderful feeling of being a new 'Mom' all over again. My daughter and I lived together so I was around him all the time and I cared for him full time when my daughter went back to work. Then when he was 2 years and 3 months, my daughter decided to move back to the country she grew up in, South Africa. I was heartbroken (I live in Canada) but knew they would be very happy there. I actually grieved for them when they left. Then I was due to see them in December last year, they were going to be here for a Christmas visit. I remember about 9 weeks before they were due to arrive, I got soooooo excited and then something made me hold back. As if I 'knew' that this wasn't going to work out the way I'd hoped it would. They both died in a car accident in S.A. on October 22, 2006 so I never did get to see them again. My last day with them was actually July 2, 2004. I am so grateful I had the opportunity of being 'Grandma' for 4 years and 7 months. As you said, Simonsmam, you do fall in love....head over heals! Oh God...how I miss them both...I grieve for my daughter and think of all the experiences we had together in 29 years...my best friend....my other half! Then, when I'm done grieving for Pippa, something will trigger and I'm grieving for Kieran.....then when I'm done with Kieran, something will trigger and I'll be grieving for them both as mother and son. They were absolutely in love with each other!

My, how we're all chatting these days! Thank you all so very much for sharing.

Last night I watched Finding Neverland for the first time and at the end I was wracked in pain, loud sobbing, could hardly walk! Oh God...how a sweet little movie can stir our emotions and break our hearts!

Love Peace and Patience to you all!

Debbie

[momgran]

Hello Friends, Again!

Just to let you know I've completed my little page for my Dear Friends at B.I. You can access it at:

http://katzndogz.powweb.com/BI.html

I would like your permission to post a link to it on my memorial website as only we can access it at the moment with the above URL.

If you're playing the movie, it will depend on your internet speed on how well it will play and also, it may be best to view it in Internet Explorer.

If anyone else would like to join this 'list' I'll be more than happy to add you.

ENJOY!

Debbie

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie, I love that movie, Finding neverland. i watched it at least half a dozen times since Joey's been gone. For me it was sad, of course. But there is something so beautiful about that scene when she is "ready" and walks into the bliss of Neverland. It was like pain and triumph all at once, just to imagine that if we must go, we can go to such beauty. It's those of us left here that hurt so much. But if we can see a glimpse of that beuty that is beheld by our beloveds, somehow its a little less painful, at least for me anyway. The missing is wrenching, but I know Joey found his Neverland.

Renee, So good to see you here. Even though as we know time does not lighten the "missing, your post was like a beacon of light, full of encouragement. Blessings and love always, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie, Wow! Thank you!!! I'm speechless...

[momgran]

Claudia: I know you've said you cried oceans...as have we all. But I think, as you say, Neverland touched me for the beauty shown when she 'passed over', peacefully into Neverland. But I think that for the first time I actually cried for ME...Little Debbie....who had so many dreams as a child...a young girl...a young mother. I was little miss optimism!!! I managed to keep that way, even after losing Andrew, but now I often wonder if I could ever have a trace of optimism left in this shattered heart! How difficult it is to 'dream' when our dreams have been stomped on...how disappointed we can be. I was working on a movie shoot just before Pippa became pregnant and an actress, (very nice lady actually) insisted on doing a 'reading'. She told me that something would happen that would culminate in the spring and it would be the start of my being 'tested' by the universe. She said it would be good and bad. Well Pippa told me shortly after she was expecting a baby then Kieran was born in the spring. Then just 4 short years later they were both gone! How the universe is testing me???!!! And all of us who lose our most precious treasures...our children and grandchildren.

I hope you enjoyed you visit to 'our' page.

Take Care

Debbie

[momgran]

PS: When I say 'our page' I only mean in the sense that it's my little gift to 'us'. I will NEVER stop coming to visit my friends at BI!!!