Loss of an Adult Child

[bbarbie55]

Hi everyone haven't been here in a while. I am working three jobs just so I won't think I feel if I get worn out enough I won't feel the pain anymore but it still comes in the wee hours of the morning and I just don't think I can bear it anymore. I'm tired of people saying I'm holding up well because I'm not not a second goes by that I don't think of my baby I wish she were alive and I was the one to die. Her little boy needs her. I have lived my life she didn't I was pregnant with her at twenty five its not fair. She had so much to live for.

Deb

[gramma]

"God is good to those who lose a child"....the great medium George Anderson said that, and tho' I don't always understand how any of this could be good, I believe the message is one of hope and that only the strongest people can handle this pain.

Even if we think we can't, another wise person said that "we are never given anything more than we can bear"...."Sure," I often think in moments of despair, but somehow I do get through them, and realize that this grief is driving me closer to the divine, and I must trust in something larger than myself to get through.

Just a few thoughts at midnight

Gramma Martha

[4everjoeysmom]

God has certainly been good to me, despite the loss of Joey. I don't believe it is His desire that we suffer such loss or that any child have their life taken too soon. But I also believe He knows our fate and is always standing at the ready to hold us--IF we want Him to. I heard a spin once on the "we are never given more" phrase that I have found personally to be more accurate by saying God never gives us more than He equips us to handle. The hard part is seeking what He gives us or wants to give us in a time when we would rather turn away from Him because of anger and hurt and not being able to understand why he didn't intercede for us. But I have to say despite my pain and the past year of personal challnges and hurdles in this valley of grief, God has been very merciful to me. He has shown me powerful things that have magnified His name and given me understanding that no matter what happens, it isn't all about me. This is how I am able to continue on...knowing there is much more than my pain, and that it is a gift and a priviledge for any time that I have left to discover the wonders He has created far beyond what He has given and taken away for me personally. I know that probably doesn't make much sense. These days it's hard to try and make sense of it all. There was a day when I thought I had an answer for everything... today I just go with the flow and know there are things I cannot know by my own mind or anyone else's because God Himself will continue to be manifold throughout eternity... How can we possibly know it all. No matter, I am still praying for the day when I will understand this loss. For now I have to just settle on understanding that all things were created through Him, by Him, and for Him, and being such, that means even my Joey belonged to Him before he belonged to me. I know Joey is in the hands of a good God. I miss him so much, but I know he is alive and well, not missing me, but magnifying God in total and eternal worship. That was and is His purpose for creating my baby in the first place. And though I may think Him selfish for not allowing me to have him longer, I know in reality I will never be separated from my son. The seeming barrier for now is only time... and time is all any of us have, with no guarantee of how much. SO I continue to pray God will help me to make the most of my time....

[kathysmom]

I come to this board everyday and read the postings by all the moms and dads regarding their beloved children. What I notice is that although we come from different places around the country, our experiences on a personal note are exactly the same. The way people start to keep there distance and if you mention your child the air gets thick with avoidance and almost a feeling of you are doing something wrong. But the thing that scares me the most is knowing for the rest of my life things will never be right, I will never have the joy, I mean true contentment that I once had. I told a grief counselor when he called to check on how we are doing after 3 months (now what did he expect for me to say) that my life sucks and that is as good as it ever going to get and I accept that. Sometimes I think I am losing my mind and that's when I come to this board to read that I am not alone in this journey. I have to say that I don't fear death anymore, because one of two things is going to happen. I will be reunited with Kathy or my pain will just have an ending. I'm sorry for the rambling but I can literally feel the pain of the people on this board and just want you to know someone cares and feels the exact same way.

[mamabets]

For All~ My Danny had two things that he said often, and lived by..."Everything happens for a reason" and "God never gives you more than you can handle". I remember how I , as his mother, used to sweetly smile at him for his strong beliefs in both of these comments, however when life took him, I would say to him "Hey, Danny, NOW WHAT am I to do here???

Having said that, and having survived these past three years, a suicide attempt included,{regretting it not one bit}I firmly believe, I know for me, this is the truth... Danny , too , survived his own moment... He saw "his light" in the headlights of the semi truck, and he held my hand as he entered Heaven. His departure with me, was as real as hie entrance into my world was 25 years prior. LIFE will give you more heartache than any kind person should have to endure, and GOD, with the help of our angels, will get us through it until the day that we are united with them in an eternity that is way beyond our dreams. All that we could ever dream possible for our kids that are now in a world beyond our reach, they now have. We will be with them again, for all eternity, as long as we follow their lead. They are right here, with us always, but their place is one of safe, perfect, constant love... Just like the love that we have always had, and will forever have for and with our angels, side by side, as one. Remember, THEY have begun OUR eternity with them, and a love like this will NEVER, EVER, EVER die...

LOVE,

xoxoxo

mamabets

[briansdad]

AMEN Bets Amen. I sometimes see where our kids are, like a one way mirror. They can watch us but we can't see them.Yet we can feel them there.

I miss ya B

[4everjoeysmom]

I second that AMEN, Mamabets!

[gramma]

I'm so grateful for the truth and the beauty I feel coming from the depths of many mom's hearts, and even souls. When I read those it really helps me to reconnect again to myself and my daughter in spirit...She was always one for straight-forward-ness, and yet simplicity of expresson...She did'nt like to be preached to, or be too dogmatic herself about her beliefs. I draw from those strengths and generous qualities, now more than ever.

Kathys mom, perhaps like you, I know what it's like to feel stifled when around those so uncomfortable with my loss. But somehow they think they are doing the best thing, as do those pushing their religious views, and thinking that will help.

I bet that when some of our prayers are answered, we often don't recognize that our dear daughters in spirit have been standing nearby, whispering to us to go on and nudging us to still unfold our potential and gifts over the years to come.

Much strength and love to you on your journey...I'm glad much written here is helpful and encourages you to keep going....

Peace,

Gramma Martha

[mamabets]

For Briansdad~A one way mirror, AMEN!!! How is it that we all seem to find ourselves on the same page so often...OUR KIDS are connecting us for sure...Kind of like cyber space, but decorated with nothing but sweet magic!!

Hey, if Bill Gates could do it, imagine what the pearlies must be able to do with our angels and a nearby dimension??

Danny came to my heart the morning after his accident and said to me "Hey, Ma, I got here and I REALLY, REALLY like it. I said to God, "Boy, you have looked so old in every picture I have ever seen you in~ Why don't you kick back, and let me give you a hand"

It was such a surreal, yet real moment, because it was and still is "typical Danny fashion..." Funny, very funny, yet straight from the heart individual... I never denied the "live life to the fullest" potential of this amazing kid, because he was so kind...Why would I have ever started to deny him his abilities June 16th of 2004???

It is so sweet now, to look back on that moment, while still so amazed at how it was then. I "heard" how Danny and I would learn this new way of communicating. It is what I call "a gut feeling, in your heart". He is just as busy in my life, just as available. It is just a different way now, and my biggest struggle has been to continue to stay "connected" in a way that seems so foreign. I "connected" to him from the moment I held him in my arms. I do, completely, when so desperate for him to show up in my driveway, when I need for him to be on the other end of the phone, lose sight of the big picture here. He has, however APPEARED in my driveway since that fateful night..I have pics and if anyone wants to see them, email me at huntross4@aol.com!! He's has been "ON THE PHONE" a couple of times, as well!!

Do yourselves a favor, if you haven't already, and get the book "HELLO FROM HEAVEN"...It is one of those books that allows it all to make some sort of sense, if that makes any sense!!

LOVE,

xoxoxoxmamabets

[ronsmom]

A late night for me, can't relax, too keyed up so thought I would come and release a little. Reading the recent posts I still so relate to Most of you. I do have to say I don't feel that my "angel" is near, and he doesn't "talk" to me, and I still haven't even been able to have a dream of him. This makes the loss even more "final" now. Ron was killed with his girlfriend on the 4th of July 2005, two years ago last month. There are days when it is still THAT day. Recently my doctor (who hasn't seen me in about 5 years) gave me anti-depressants. Apparently wearing my "mask" to her office didn't fool her a bit. I refuse to take these pills, I don't feel a Chemical is going to make the hurt go away or make the saddness lighten up. He was MY SON, I gave birth to him, he was a grown man (just 33) and was a lighthearted, giving, loving, human being. Never any trouble, working in the medical field he was a professional and had a huge heart for the ill. It just wasn't fair to take him away. I'm not sure about God and if he is there what his reasons were, none of us will know any of this til were gone, and I like many of you stated this week can happen at anytime, I'm ready. It is so hard to feel joy in anything. I have 2 other children (grown) and 2 grandchildren so there are reasons for me to feel joy, my daughter is getting married this year and sometimes it is very hard to muster up the excitement and I hate that I have to mask my indifference about the "plans" of this big event. I want to give her ALL of me like I used to give to all 3 of my kids, but I'm not ONE person any longer, a big chunk is cut away so I'm different. I HATE IT. I hate all of this, the friends changing their moods around us, the family that doesn't call, knowing they just don't want to hear about it.....I so want to scream to them that I am SO SORRY that THEY can't handle talking about it, then slap them silly. Whats that about?? THEY CAN:T HANDLE IT???????? arrrggghhhhh

2 years and a month...when will I ever get past july 4th, 2005? Maybe I should go on pills, anyone have an opinion on that?

......I hope you all get a few peaceful minutes tomorrow and maybe a smile, I find that I'm getting through the days with an extra smile here and there, thats a start for me....hopefully for you too.

blueskies to all of you,

Bonnie

[mamabets]

For ronsmom~ If this can be of any help, Bonnie, let me promise you that all you are feeling is so completely normal. It is called being a great Mom, to a great kid...A kid that you were and therefore still are, madly in love with- I call all of the kids, my daughter, grandaughters, nieces, nephews, etc., the "loves of my life", and when tragedy struck, holy God.... The only thing that I am sure of, it seems, is that with some time, these "stages" that we go through, are what ultimately give us some sense of periodic peace. I CLEARLY remember thinking one day..."Oops, I think I am feeling a little bit of what used to be me???" . I grabbed that thought, and started to build on it... I have built a life, if you want to call it that, with Danny at the core of it all. My sweet, angel Danny, that is in a place that will NEVER know a pain like this. THAT one single thought, literally, has seen to it that I have survived this. I will NEVER survive losing Danny, here, but I WILL survive him being here, there and everywhere. Does that make any sense? I often say now..."Danny did not die..I did". And, I feel that way. But, among the living, whatever was left of me, I one day wanted to participate in all of the "little things", and in doing so, I began to always feel Danny so near. He loved me like no other, and I cherish that and embrace all that he still is. We are the same, my Danny and me... Life here is just different, so too is theirs. Theirs is just filled with the ultimate, complete, "easy life"... I know, that when you, me and all of the good guys get to where they are, there will never be any need to have to know why- We will be too busy rejoicing in the land of complete perfection. I have never been a person of "religion", but I have always been a person of a power, certainly far greater than myself, and I know that Danny and this power that I really do believe now is a God that Danny was always buddies with, are making up this "team" that carries each of us through, somehow. LIFE is so very painful, but for the little ones that know no different, or whose lives have been so tarnished with this, I try to show a way that Danny would want for me to. I promise you, that all that you are feeling is a necessary part of this attempt to make a life...A weird, cruel, life that can one day be filled with a different type of peace. A peace that is guided by Ron, and embraced by you. I thought, and thought, and thought every single second of every day, for a long time, that "Wow...Death would be so awesome"..... I did, in a very sickened state, attempt suicide shortly after this happened~ I have not one regret in doing that, not a one. BUT, in surviving it, I do believe that Danny has placed me on a "mission". My dear husband, the team of my committed doctors that have come to "know" Danny, and all of the rest of my family need me, to show them how Danny lived, and still does. As nice as I have always been in my life, Danny was nicer...We will carry our purpose on together... I have inherited more of me in him, the roles have been reversed now.I hope that I have helped you some. Please email me at any time, call if you want to, and I promise you that I will tell you all about the days that I hated this life, and all about the days, now, that I do hear Danny's laugh in mine and I remember his giggle in the giggles of the little ones... I treasure the life that this journey has placed me on, and I can honestly say that I would miss all of the people that have come into my life as a result of this. I count on you to keep Danny's Florida skies bright and blue, and never forget that I have my dear cousin in IRB...My love is around you always, and our eternity with our boys has begun, by them being where they are.

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxo

[janeensmom]

Bonnie...I am exactly where you are...had a horrible breakdown today and scared myself with how much anger I have inside. I also question "God" if there really is one or is life just a chance? I have been a christian for a very long time but seem to have lost my faith in almost everything including God. I feel so alone in the midst of people...family and friends have not been there. My sister-in-law whom I was close to called me one year and six months after her death (the only call I have had from her) to say "where have you been? Want to come to a BBQ?" I told her that our number hasn't changed and that still live 10 miles away.....another friend of 43 years called last mothers day for the first time since her death to wish me a happy Mothers Day....oh my God what has happened? I am trying to pull myself out of this mire but I keep getting sucked back in. I am on anti-depressents Bonnie...I hate to imagine where I would be if I weren't. I could never have imagined this happening to our family but it has and no one seems to know what to do. I thought it would be easier by now but what in the world was I thinking it will never be better!!!!!!! One moment at a time....too bad time is so long....Hugs, Vikki

[mamabets]

For janeensmom~ I know how you feel with people acting the way that they do after a loss like this. It seems that when we need people to "show up" in a way that we would, God forbid if tables were turned, forget about it. It's like we have the plagued, and my husband has often said "It's not that people don't WANT to say something, it's that people don't know WHAT to say". My comment to that is "Well, for the love of God, they can go to a book store and find the section on compassion". In time, it gets a little softer, the disappointment, but it still hurts. Losing a child is life's number one stressor, according to the American Medical Association, and stress would be a welcomed emotion, compared to all of the others... I am so sorry that you are here, this is a painful, painful, painful walk. I am on medicine as well- The doctors have recently added the lowest dose possible, of an anti-anxiety, {as I am "medicine sensitive", we have found out!!}, and it has really helped.

LOVE,

mamabets

[daveydow1]

For Claudia, Mamabets, Gramma & All,

I felt really 'blah' today (rainy & gloomy outside), but

after reading your posts, I do feel better, honestly. Thanks

for your uplifting posts and your prayers. This site has

been a lifeline for me. I will keep everyone here in my

prayers. Mamabets, thanks for reminding me that our beloved

children are leading the way for us to see them again. That's

the hope that keeps me going. Peace to all here at BI.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[ronsmom]

Vikki........thanks for the understanding. My anger is an understatement lately, I hate Everything, and almost everyone! Little things are annoyances yet they build up to where I feel its a crisis. Then I get mad at myself for feeling so mad. I know what it is, I'm angry that Ron was killed. I'm angry that he is gone when he should be here, I'm angry that now our family photos are missing someone, and I'm angry that everyday I am looking everywhere for something and can never find it. I just want to be a little "light-hearted" once again. I can go through the day and smile, and talk and sound like me, but its forever re-playing through my head, like a revolving re-play of the day we learned our fate and faith would diminish......just feel like **** I guess. I know this is another phase, and I will muddle through...just somedays its so darned hard.......

hang in there Vikki, as I will.....and All of you do, we all have our days!!

Blueskies all,

Bonnie

[darrylsmom]

Hi All, I'm so sorry for all the heart ache here. Please keep me in your prayers this wk. My son Darryl was killed on a motorcycle the 8-24-06. It is getting close to his angel date. I still have bad days and not as bad days. It just comes on me. I read everybody post every day, but don't post much myself. I ask the Lord everyday to help me make it through the day, & he does one baby step at a time. I pray for all of you. God bless us all. Peace & Hugs Joyce

Darryls mom

[4everjoeysmom]

I'm so sorry and saddened for all of us that are having heavier days right now. You all are in my prayers. I don't consider myself "religious", but I am a Christian. And what I mean by that is that even the Bible defines religion as "serving in charity the widows and orphans of the world". Everything else that people get forced upon them is just legalism at its finest, and I hate that. But I do try very hard to talk often to God, and to listen to see what he might be trying to say to me, because I do believe he is with me all the time and he is teaching me about myself and about himself along my journey of loss and grief. For the most part lately I get through each day feeling more joyful, but I do have my crashing to the floor days and I suspect I always will. That is perfectly normal and human, and I would never suggest that just because someone has faith, they should 'get over it'. For one thing, I know I will NEVER get over it. But I am getting through it. And I know even in the downtrodden moments, you all are getting through it too, and it's a miracle in itself that our hearts can survive this at all. Isn't it? I try to share openly based on my personal experience with a hope that it may resinate with someone else out there, because I believe the good that can come out of something so bad is when we can stand and face our adversity and hold each others hands in the process and lift one another up with encouragement. OK! We may not always be standing. I've been on my knees a lot, and even lower than that. But I do have HOPE. I do know our kids have paved the way that we will one day follow, and for most of us, there is a lot left to be done here before that time arrives. It's a LONG TIME, so it seems. But in that time I pray each of us positively affects someone else through what we have learned along our journey so that we can peacefully and truthfully say it was not in vain. I miss my Joey so much it aches deep down in the core of myself. And I know you all feel that way too. It doesn't go away no matter who of our friends and neighbors wishes to acknowledge it or not. And good for them if they think they are helping. But I would venture to guess that they are just uncomfortable and their actions are more selfish than selfless. Who in their right mind wants to voluntarily get into a foxhole of pain. And realistically, anyone who wants to truly journey alongside us and understand us and give complete self and compassion has to invest into our pain. That's not something most people are comfortable with. I understand that, but it does stink. That's why I'm really thankful for you all here. Though I hate why each of us has to be here, I am thankful there is this place where hearts can bond and investments are made because we've paid a huge price and are not afraid to hurt with others because we already hurt more than we ever imagined. Hold tight to each other here when we need to, and give of ourselves when we have the strength and ability to, and I believe this community is the BEST MEDICINE around. God is with me, and I know he cares and wants to show me more of what can be good as I journey along. And as he does I personally find a continually stronger hope and more joy than I thought possible. I am grateful for that. And I am grateful he gives me a voice to share that hope and encouragement, because I couldn't do this on my own. Love and hugs to all, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Darryl's Mom, I am especially praying for you! I pray the peace and joy of the Lord surrounds you and that you can feel his presence with you. I also pray the beautiful memories of your precious Darryl will also bring you comfort like the warmth of a blanket wrapped around you. Blessings and love, Claudia

[gramma]

In reading so many of our posts, I just was reminded there are wonderful specialized places in Beyond Indigo to express, like: Beliefs and Religions; I believe in God, I don't believe in God, Prayers and Blessings, Anger, etc...etc... These might provide help to many needing or asking for it, or to some always needing to express their ideas and beliefs about these things after losing a precious child.

As time goes by, we become more philosophical and objective about some things, and perhaps those specialized topics provided for in this web-site might help with both cherished ideas and the pain and confusion still clinging to our lives after losing our loved son or daughter; especially if those are still the dominant themes needing to be expressed in ones thoughts and feelings.

"Letting go" is not a pretty thought or feeling to us as parents, but since we never owned our precious child in the first place, but so to speak "rented" them, we must learn to somehow release and let them go on...even if gradually.... I surely don't want to hold my lovely Vangie back when she needed to move on, I guess... hmmmmmm.

Surely I will always be with her, along with so many other's she loved and enjoyed in her life. Some of her friends and others in our family she had to leave behind have told me they feel and believe she is around them-even assisting them in various ways. That is so uplifting for me to occasionally hear. It reminds me what she was/is all about

It's hard to do these things, and my heart will always have an empty place that only she could fill, but her love is always in there, and we will meet again...

Lovingly,

Gramma Martha

[Guest Guest]

I lost my youngest son on june 5th of this year excactly 64 days after he got married. He was only 21, but we saw so much promise in him. I dont really feel anything most of the time, I miss him so much.

[lorismom]

For All ~ I don't always post, but I do read everyday. I have gained much insight from everyone traveling this long journey and I am so thankful to have all of you as my extended family. This forum has really been the only place I have felt truly comfortable talking about Lori.

For Joyce ~ Thinking of you as you approach Darryl's angel day this Friday. I know the days leading up can be sometimes more difficult than the actual day, but I hope that you will be blessed with some sweet memories of your dear son to comfort you.

Love to you all,

Patty

[mamabets]

For All~ It is quite amazing how we have all connected here.. As Daveydows Mom, Sherry, puts it..."This has been a lifeline", and that is so very true. We know one another so well...

For Lorismom~ I see that sweet Lori's accident was May 3, 2004... That date was the day that Danny had just gotten home from a long stay in a hospital- I refer to that time as "when we danced our dance out perfectly", as I was with him the whole time, and he was beginning the climb to a place of wellness again, it seemed.....His final accident was on June 16, 2004..The circle of life... Both of us in a place of complete and utter SURREAL.....

My Dad passed away on May 4th, 2004...The last thing I heard Dad "sing" was "Oh Danny Boy"~ He did not know that Danny had been in a hospital~ Dad had early Alzheimers...

Imagine...I have no doubt that Dad called Danny home and that they are together~They are sharing this eternity with Lori, preparing for the time that we are with them again...

LOVE,

mamabetsxoxoxo

[momgran]

Hello dear friends:Firstly, to Guest, I am deeply saddened to see a new 'face' on here. My heart goes out to you on the loss of your precious son. It is such early days for you and I'm sure everything is so surreal and intensely painful. I pray that you will 'hold on' as you travel this unwanted journey but please know you've come to a place where you will find sharing your feelings a release and comfort. We are all here for you!

I started a new, challenging job in June, just eight months after losing my daughter and grandson in a car accident. As difficult as it's been, it is becoming my 'saviour' as I find my feet again. My boss is a mother of two grown sons, and yesterday, she asked me to work an additional 12 hour shift on Saturday for one of our sister companies as they are short people for a special project. I sat with her and explained how important my weekends are. I need that time to regroup, get things done at home, spend time with friends and family. I gave her some statistics about the 'healing' process after losing a child and one of the articles I read said that we only work at 10-20% of our normal functioning level for the first 1-2 years! and that it can take as much as 5 years to be fully functional again! She was so very compassionate. She said that when she lost her mother it took her 2 years to feel 'normal' again and that she can't imagine how difficult it would be if, God forbid, she lost one of her sons! She thanked me for being open and honest with her and complimented me on the great job I'm doing! I was so relieved that I shared with her and I realise how important it is to communicate with the people in our lives, tell them what we need to get through this awful time in one piece! If I had agreed to work on Saturday and said nothing, I know I would have been exhausted and resentful but now I can relax and enjoy my weekend. My fiancee has offered to go in and help out on Saturday! So I will have a precious day on my own, harvesting my crop of tomatoes and making salsa and tomatoe sauce! and doing some work in the garden. Far more healing than working in an office environment for a long hard day!

Ronsmom/Bonnie: I think it's great that you're expressing your anger so openly! That is one emotion that we all share and it can be very difficult to put it into words at times but boy, do we ever have to get it out! I had a bizarre dream one night which I believe was a way of expressing my anger. My daughter's boyfriend, who was badly injured in the accident, has met a lovely young woman, a teacher at the new school he's teaching in, and they have embarked on a relationship. It turns out that her father was the previous owner of the vehicle my daughter and grandson died in! Such a creepy coincidence! After I heard that I had a dream that in previous lifes (I don't even really believe in reincarnation!??) she had persued my daughter's boyfriend. She was an 'evil' witch and in this life she was determined to get rid of anyone that got in the way of getting him!! What an awful dream...poor girl....apparently she's a lovely person. Where in heaven's name these thoughts came from...but I suppose our subconscious mind plays awful tricks on us when we're grieving so deeply.

Anyway, off to work I go! My thoughts and prayers are with you all and I want to thank each and every one of you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and suggestions for healing. You are my lifeline!!

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[mamabets]

For momgran~ It seems as if you were posting, and so too, was I, about this place being a "lifeline"- You were typing it, and I was quoting Daveysmom, Sherry- She had just written it the other day!! I am so very sorry that you are here, so very sorry. You, my dear friend, have had an EXTREME shock. My dear God... I was so non-functioning for a period of time, that I am often still so afraid of life, period. I will make some sauce this weekend, thinking of you with each and every stir!! Maybe I'll even layer some lasagna, and think of it as a building of these lives, whatever life we all have left in these weary bodies of ours.Yours sound YUM with your tomatoes...I'll tweek some out of a jar with a pinch of this, and a dash of that!! I do smile again, I must say, and I do want to participate in life again...I have much to live for, but the absence of Danny in the physical sense here, is at the core of each and every thought. It is just the way that it is, but with some time, it has softened some, and sweet memories do replace the horror. I know that he is but a breath away, and that where he is, I will one day be....

Have a blessed day, and thank you for being a part of my LIFELINE here...

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxo

[jimsmama]

I come to this site and read all the time. I have not been able to post, afraid to, somehow makes it too real. I lost my youngest child, age 22, suddenly on June 20, 2007. I still can't believe he isn't here with me. I still listen for his truck or quad, as if he will be coming home. Oh, if he only could, I would give anything to have him back. What a horrible, never ending nightmare this is, the only break from it is sleep, the highlight of my day. I only get the sleep because I take a sleeping pill every night. I slept 2 nights without it and woke up frequently. I become so exhausted that I fall asleep, I just can't stay asleep. Nothing means anything in my life anymore. Let me say I'm so sorry for all of us.

[daveydow1]

For Guest,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son--only 64

days after his marriage. What a terrible loss for you

and your family. It's hard to know why these things

happen, and in these very early days for you, I know

that the pain is unbearable. Please come back to BI

and read/post whenever you feel the need. Everyone

here understands, like no one else, the pain and

heartache of losing their beloved child/children. I

am 4 years into this terrible journey, and find BI to

be about the only place to let my feelings be known, to

those who know what the journey is about. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Darylsmom, Joyce,

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, your dear son's

angel day, and pray you can somehow find some peace

in your memories. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

Joyce, Thinking of you...

Guest, I too am so very sorry for your loss, and for Jimsmama as well. You both are so new to this pain, and I am so saddened that you have to be here but glad you found us to walk with. It's hard and I am still and always ever grateful that I never had to feel alone because there is always someone here to share and care. My deepest condolences to you both... Hugs, Claudia

[janeensmom]

Joyce...I hope tomorrow turns out not to be as hard as you think it will. For me the 3 days leading to that one year date was unspeakable but when the actual day came I made myself remember only the good times...yes it was incredibly hard but I did it. Of course now I spend a lot of time missing her and all that she was. I wish you peace...

For the other new moms/dads nothing can say how truely sorrowful I feel for you. You have been assulted with the worst injury a heart can have and still beat. I am glad you found this sight because you can really say anything you need to and no one judges. We all are walking down the same heartbreaking path. Also I assure you that whatever you are feeling, someone here has felt it too and it is normal......

Hugs, Vikki

[mamabets]

For Darrylsmom~ May you be surrounded today with the sweet memories of your dear son...BUT, remember to cry as much as your heart and soul need to. I find sometimes now, that when crying with my daughter about our Danny, we remember something that makes us smile. This is early for you, but please trust me when I say that the day will come when you will be surrounded within your heart by all of the good thoughts, as opposed to the horror. The horror is always there, ready to pounce, but when the happier times seem to take over in thought, it is then that we are so clearly reminded that where are angels are, we will one day be.

For jimsmama~ Oh, my dear, sweet, new friend...This is SOOOOOO new for you, and my advice, for whatever it may be worth, is to come here with us as much as you can, and we all will carry you through this blur. This is the MOST incredible place for healing...The loss is never healed, but one day the loss is joined with the remaining days that we all have here, and you somehow learn to carry on, your sweet hero by your side. My 25 year old son, Danny, left this Earth in June of 2004. He was, and still is, amazing... My husband is a Viet Nam vet, and my name is Betsy Ross!! IMAGINE!! The world gets the biggest kick out of that and when asked if I make the flags, my answer is..."No, but everyone has such fun with asking me if I do"...My calling , clearly is, to help with these dear people that are left to carry on, in memory of all of our dear angels...We are here for you and come here as often as you can...Read, read, read and find some strength in the words here, anger included!! Anger, fear, denial, and more of the same, is all normal and part of this AWFUL process. At, and during these times, rays of hope do shine through.

LOVE,

mamabetsxoxoxo

[shuugar]

Darrylsmom

Collectively, everyone here on this forum can relate to the pain of knowing that a whole year has come and gone since your child left this earthly realm. I can only wish for you the comfort of a belief that you child is happy, pain free and always with you.

Hugs and prayers I send your way

shuugar

[gramma]

Darryls mom,

I wish you the best today...Perhaps it can be spent as you think Darryl would love it to be.... This surely will attract his loving energy, and help you start another year with him beside you in spirit...He would have you take heart....

Comforting thoughts,

Gramma Martha

[momgran]

Darrylsmom/Joyce: My heart is with you today and I hope the memories are becoming more sweet than bitter.

Jimsmama: I was thinking back to those very early days and although there's still a 'veil' or 'fog' around my memories of that time, I do remember the excruciating intensity of the waves of pain and the horror and disbelief, when they hit. I am so deeply saddened to see you here amongst those of us who have lost our precious children, but please come and read or post as often as you need to because there is always someone on here that will catch you when you fall, and fall you will do, often. But we will share with you until you are on your feet again and moving further forward on this painful journey.

Mamabets: Thank you for your lovely thoughts....I will think of you when I sample my first spoonful of sauce tomorrow! I want to participate in life again, too...and slowly but surely I am learning to do this with my babies in my heart. We carried them under our hearts for nine months, and will will carry them in our hearts for eternity.

Sherry: I am so embarrassed about my 'faux pas' on Davey's website. Please forgive me...I am so scatterbrained these days. Your son was truly angelic looking! Such a terrible loss for you all. I would like to share more details of our similar tragedies some time.

Love Peace and Patience to all my friends

Debbie

[danielsmom]

Hi all, I haven't written in a long time,but I read regularly.My sympathies to everyone here. It has been 2 years and 4 months since Daniel died . Every moment of every day he is in my heart and thoughts. Some days are better than others,and then there are the days like today where it feels like somebody has taken my heart and ripped it out,I just want so badly to go for a walk with him and to talk like we used to. I miss him so much.Love you always and forever Daniel. Thank you all for listening

Wendy

Daniel Grandmaison

11/20/1985-04/17/2005

[ronsmom]

Joyce, I'm hoping your day went better than expected. But I know exactly how it went, we all do. This roller coaster of grief is maddening at times. Some days I really really do not want to wake up. It seems this second year was worse than the first year if thats at all possible. There are times though that I can smile at Rons pictures and remember exactly the way it was, when it was taken and feel a little "happiness"...? guess thats what it is, we have turned all the photos into dvd's and added music to them and my hubby and I watch them frequently. Yeah, they make us cry, but they do make us laugh and smile, and FEEL again! At least for those moments we are watching them. But as usual, we usually end up bawling like children cause the hurt is still so fresh. Only 2 years........Theres so much we have to go through on this road called life, I'm still in the ANGER phase of this grief, and I'm also at times still in some sort of "shock phase"...at times it Still doesn't seem real, although its becoming more so as time goes on, cause surely I would've heard from him by now.......is that stupid or what? I actually think at times he will call, or come over. I'm losing it! Someone wrote about telling their boss about grief, yes it does take a long time to gain concentration. I quit work, and stayed home for 18 months. When I did go back I couldn't be "trained" on the job, I kept forgetting the simplest things. Luckily my boss too is understanding and knowing what I am living with was able to keep plugging away with me, and now I'm functioning at about 70% maybe? Somedays I can't concentrate at all. I said before I'm always looking around like somethings missing, or lost, or I'm forgetting something. Its Ronnie!! Its so obvious.

.....can't keep a straight thought tonight, but want you all to know when I read of your "angels days" I always think of your child that day and light a special candle...they won't be forgotten EVER!

blueskies

Bonnie

[daveydow1]

To Momgran,

Oh Debbie, dear, think nothing of that little blip, and

thank you for visiting Davey's memorial, and also for your

kind words. I have had many "goofs"---especially since my

Davey passed from this world. I guess we could all say that

has happened. Take care, and Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Ronsmom, Bonnie,

I can so relate to your looking & waiting to hear

from dear Ronnie. I still find myself "looking" for

my Davey, and hoping in vain. This road is such a

painful trial, isn't it? Also, I'm glad that you

have an understanding boss. I returned to work only

3 wks. after Davey's death, and worked only 2 months

and had to leave my job. The big boss had been nice,

but she was putting pressure on me to return to work.

I couldn't think straight or concentrate. I think that

I should have taken more time off. Yes, the anger is

something that can just take hold of us at times. I

know that looking at photos of our dear departed children

can't help but bring a smile to our faces, and that is

something that keeps us going--their love. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mynicholas]

Jimsmama,

I am SORRY for the loss of your son! Looking back now, seeing things more clearly (sort of I guess), I can remember saying the EXACT words you are, I waited and waited to hear or see my Nicholas come back to get his Jeep, I'm not sure how long and every morning I looked out the window and that was the first thing I saw, still in the same place, it took me about a year to realize he WASN'T COMING BACK! Your the first on this site that waited to hear their childs vehicle pull in the drive way. In time you will realize what has happened as we all have. Again, the PAIN AND DESPERATION NEVER GOES AWAY, I WOULD GIVE "ANYTHING" JUST TO HAVE MY NICHOLAS BACK IF EVEN FOR FIVE MINUTES! However, I know if I did have him back, I COULDN'T SAY GOOD-BYE OR EVER LET HIM OUT OF MY SITE AGAIN!

Rose

[shuugar]

Ronsmom

Thanks for your comments of the still not feeling real. I thought it was just me. It's been 16 months and I sometimes still get this odd feeling that none of this is real. I literally can't stop myself from shaking my head. We had just celebrated Easter and four days later my son was gone. I just don't know if that feeling will ever go away!!

[mamabets]

For shuugar~ I shake my head alot... It started when some of the "blur" started to lift, and reality was really setting in. There was a time when I would do it sobbing, trying to get rid of the pounding headache that would, and still does, accompany the sobbing. The only difference now is it doesn't happen quite as often, and it doesn't last quite as long. But when you said "shaking the head", I said "YUP- That's me!!!!"

LOVE,

mamabets xoxoxxo

[momgran]

Hello All:

I would like to ask a favor, please. Could each of you who have a Memorial Page for your children please post it within the next day or so because I want to 'copy' and 'paste' each one and put it on one page to keep so that I can go an visit. I'm feeling a little stronger and am ready to meet all of your beautiful children. I've visited a couple of sites in the past and the heartache of seeing their beautiful faces has been too much at times but once I've compiled the 'list' I will place it on here for all to 'copy' and 'paste'. It will be like creating our own little Garden of Memory! I think it 's a great way for us all to meet each other as well, as we are all included in the family photo galleries!

Thanking you in advance.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[bbarbie55]

momgran

Here is my daughters web site that is now used as a memorial. She kept it current till the last six weeks of her life. http;//www.freewebs.com/kilalita/index.htm

Deb

[momgran]

Thanks Bbarbie55/Deb: You're the first! I have a nice little project in mind which I'm looking forward to creating!

[jimsmama]

Thanks to you all for your thoughts and prayers. I'm so down and depressed, I can't stand it. I just want my son back and I know I can't get that. I went to empty the garbage and noticed it was a nice summer day, then I noticed people out and about doing things, and I thought, my son can't, he's in the cemetery.

How do you ever learn to live with that. I know his spirit is with me, I just constantly have to remind myself, so it will stay in my mind and keep those other thoughts out. I know Jim better than anyone and I can see his face with that big smile and hear him saying, "you got to live your life mom." I now have to convince myself. There are people who have actually told me it's ok to feel better. No kidding, now want to tell me how I can do that when my heart has been ripped out, that's what I wanted to say but didn't. Thanks again to all and peace to us all. To Sherry and Betsy, thanks for being there. Love, Judy

[wjulia]

I know how you feel, but strange part is most of the time I dont feel anything, its like my bodys shut down, nothing matters, I really need someone to help me clean my house cause it doesnt even matter. I lost my son Jonathan on june 5, 2007, he was ,married on march 31, 2007, to a wonnderful girl, but now shes so wrapped up in her grief that she hasnt talked to any of his family since his funeral. Its been so hard it feels like Ive lost both of them. I go to work but that about the only thing i can do. Jonathan was the sweet child, the one who brought you flowers when you were angry at everyone else. He cared about every thing even saved wounded animals when he saw them. I lost my first son on March 14, 1999, Then my husband on June 5, 2004. Then Jonathan on exactly 3 years later on the same day. Im lost , angry, alone. My daughter and her daughter live with me but Im unable to help them. What do I do. where do I go because I really dont care if I even live anymore. Ive had eight hEART ATTACKS AND iM STILL here. It doesnt make any sense. Im so tired.

[momgran]

Wjulia: Dear God, but you've had more than your share of tragedy in the past 8 years!!! My heart goes out to you on the loss of your dear son, Jonathan. Just as you were probably starting to recover from one MAJOR loss, you were hit with another, and another. It isn't difficult to understand how hard it would be for you to have any 'hope' left, or desire to carry on. There are no words, are there, that can comfort you. It's an awful shame that words are so useless at this time. All I can do is share the advice I was given in the beginning by Grief Resources I reached out to. Be so very gentle with yourself...especially with your health issues. This is ALL ABOUT YOU!!! You cannot in your present state of mind and with your crushed spirit look after anyone else. I know your daughter must be grieving deeply for her brother but she is an adult, and a mother too, so she does need to look after herself and her daughter and allow you to do whatever it takes to get through a minute, an hour, a day. I do hope you have extended family and friends that can help you, your daughter and your grandchild get through this difficult time. You need extra hands. I always cared for my home, and I was planning to redecorate my bedroom and bathroom before my daughter and grandson were due to arrive for a Christmas visit last year, but they died in a car accident on Oct 22, 2006 and since then I haven't touched a thing! I think as mothers the homemaking is all tied up with our nurturing rituals and when we lose a child, that doesn't seem to matter any more. Forget about the housecleaning! Ask someone to come and help if you can but do whatever it takes to get you through this awful time, as long as it doesn't harm you or anyone else. Walking helped me, crying, wailing, thrashing about, hot showers! Whatever. I pray that in time the spirits of your children and your husband will fill your heart and comfort you, giving you renewed life and a desire to move on. I know this does take a great deal of time, but please hang on. You are worth it.

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[4everjoeysmom]

My Joey's site is at http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/

My heart is so broken for the so many that have recently posted about new losses, and for those of us who have been traveling this road for a while. It's so hard to experience this loss and pain, as I am also taking it a step at a time, one day at a time. It's all any of us can do. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wake up several times in the night these days, and all I can do is lay there and pray for all of you and myself until I fall asleep again. Somehow the connections between us all, though so sad, are so comforting too. It's a sad club to belong to, one I never wanted to be a part of. But I'm so glad it exists for us. I'm so thankful to not journey along alone and misunderstood. Blessings and hugs to you all, Claudia

[shuugar]

http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=6695&page_no=1&PHPSESSID=15ba3da2119d3fea546f00fa1df4cbe8

Virtual Memorials

[mamabets]

My Danny's site is http://www.daniel-pallick.memory-of.com

LOVE,

mamabetsxoxoxoxxo

[darrylsmom]

Well I made it through Darryls angel day. You all are right, the days leading up to the day is the hardest. My husband, daughter, & I let off balloons. We went to the crash site & let some go. Then we went back to the house & let go of more balloons. Then I lit a candle for him. Thank you all for the prayers, I needed them so bad. I pray for you all every day. If it wasn't for BI I don't know where I would be. In the crazy house !! I'm so sorry we all have to be here. I believe my son is in a better place, he was taking the wrong road in life. Drugs have ruined a lot of people & families. Darryl had a great heart & he was loveable. Thank you all. God bless us all. Peace be with you. Hugs Joyce