Members Mermaid Tears Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 I so agree with Dee...in sharing our stories...we can reach and touch others who find themselves on this unimaginable grief journey. We lost our beautiful and beloved John David in August 2012......long story short.....he went to the ER with many bad symptoms...pain...vomiting...and they tried to diagnose with food poisoning...real bad case....he was very sick....then...he got C-Diff...very contagious...not doing good but the Dr was very hopeful about him...then...he had a massive heart attack. He was 42...and up til that time...very robust and healthy. We have 6 children....the oldest is our daughter, Randa...then John David, Jason, Aaron, Jesse and Jeremy. All Adult. We have 14 grandchildren. One Great grandson. I can truthfully tell you that losing John David was like hitting a brick wall....2+2 was not 4.....I felt like I had been thrown into a foreign country where I did not know the language and did not have a map or compass. How I got through the Memorial is beyond me....I wrote every word...planned it all....and all I can say is that something supernatural covered me. John David was the 'hunt-fish-football' kind of guy....handsome and giving....loving and kind....he was loyal to family and friends....Aaron said...'he was like a God to all of us'.....he was the quintessential Big Brother. I do remember thinking...'how could he die?'..... I learned that the word 'heart break' was real....for it did feel as if my heart was breaking in two....this kind of grief causes not only emotional pain...but physical pain...it was like having a mild case of flu every day. I felt as if I was in an abnormal maze of reality. I was surrounded by my other children and grandchildren...I became the one that they all leaned on and relied on to give them support and something to sustain them. Of course...I am Mama. My husband was almost paralyzed with grief ...also very angry. He could barely talk. There are so many by products of this kind of grief but the most hateful one is insomnia. I could go to bed and go to sleep...but would wake at 1 or 2 in the morning....wide awake...and knowing that sleep was not to be...I would get up....and have the night and the hours all to myself. It was in December when I was up and on the computer looking for any thing....a word or words or a poem or story or rhyme or reason...and I was looking something up and I was 'guided' to this site....I truly feel as if 'there was something or someone' somewhere that guided me to this site that night....and what I discovered was...'I wasn't going crazy...I was simply in deep mourning'.....I found parents that have been on this site for a long time....I call them 'spirit guides'....they walk farther up on the grief journey...and they wave to us...and let us know....we can survive. I truly feel that if I have any shred of healthy grief now....it is because of the parents on this site that told me to hang on....and understood every thought...every tear...every crying jag...every problem...every situation and circumstance that I was enduring. We all come from all over the world....each have different environments...childhoods...situations...family dynamics..careers..but....we walk in each other's shoes for we have lost a child.....and I discovered that there is simply nothing that can prepare you for this kind of grief unless you talk/visit/communicate with another parent that has lost a child. I think it is normal not to want to face another tomorrow with this kind of pain. We tell new parents to 'self care'....be very kind and gentle to yourself and your family...drink lots of fluids...try to walk outside for awhile each day. I felt the urge to 'get away'....to leave....to take off down the road....I didn't want to stay and face it all...but running away is not the answer....for grief will only follow me. Do anything you think will bring you any comfort...if you want to sit on the couch in your panties all day and cry...do it. If you want to blow bubbles in the back yard do it. Do anything but bring harm to yourself or others. There are many Grief Groups....even churches...and hospice...that will give you a human face to talk to and that way you won't feel so alone and isolated. Believe me...you aren't the only one in your town/community that has lost a child. Don't try and look too far in the future...or too far back in the past at this time....don't be stoic...this is a true time to be very depressed and broken...crying jags are the norm...and I want to impress upon new parents that 'Grief is Exhausting'....you won't feel like doing your normal everyday coming and going. I tried to keep up with my 'normal' life for a short while...but then I just had to stop. I cancelled every social and civic event and I told my club/organizations that I was taking time off. They all knew why...and they all understood. I 'cocooned'.....and that was the best and healthiest thing I did for myself. Dee says 'we change to make room for the grief'...and I so believe that.....I am changed....I am not like I use to be....and I had to have time to get to know 'the me that was to be'. Early on....I knew I did not want to become 'one of those bitter' people....and it is a slippery slope in learning how 'not to be bitter' but to become 'a new normal'...and also...to understand the slippery slope of a parent not making a 'god of their grief' and isolating their other children. John David was not the only child I love...he was the only child that died. In December of 2012....I made the statement that I wasn't going to put up a tree that year....my daughter said to me...'Mom, we didn't die'.....and then....later...my son, Jesse made the statement..'we all knew if Mom could make it..we could, too.' That brought me up to another realization....and another lesson....I want to leave footprints for my children that if they should ever have to face this kind of tragedy...they will have some guidance in knowing they can survive. I also wanted to have our traditions carried on...and have our family laugh and have joy for our grandchildren. I did not want to have a home of sadness. So....I carry on just like I use to...I have always decorated for every holiday and season...Halloween and Valentines...and I do because the grandchildren love to come to Nonnie's house and see it festive and a happy house to come to. I am not saying this is 'easy'....it is deliberate. Lesley...thank you for sharing your very personal story....I think your message will really touch our new parents.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 dee thank you. If I can help anyone and stop them doing what I did knowing how much pain it causes then that is a good thing. Let me tell you all the damage it causes is worse than losing the sibling or grandchild. The Mum is the foundation of the family without a parent even adult children falter and the effects last many years. susan thank you your sensitive input is always so welcomed, I particularly like the seashell quote and the angels one saying we can all be angels to one another, because they are both so accurate. We are all here seeking guidance and caring support because the pain of losing a child is indescribable and no one knows that like we do. This is how we help each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 I also penned a poem on the thread grief poems, I hope it helps those who are struggling particularly hard right now. You are worth it ,you are beautiful, you are loved, you are not alone. keep posting and we will hold you up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Hi everyone yes like I said I wouldn't commit suicide but if I got hit by a Mac truck oh well. I know I don't have any other children but all of my nieces and nephews are trying to be supportive. I have told my brothers and sisters (their parents) that seriously if something were to happen to me please explain to them that a broken heart is a very real thing. I hurt so much day in and day out I feel i could just stop beating. Tuesday night I am going to a church with other people who lost their kids. I am so very nervous I know they will protect me it's just that like all of you this all new to me. I will of coarse let you all know how it went. All I could say is I'm glad I'm off work Wednesday cause I don't know if I will be smiling or crying. Thank for listening. Please I need you guys to write me thanks peggy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Tommys mum thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Peggy, I am so glad that you are trying out a group. This shows your energy your drive, to try to find a new way to live in this very difficult time. I think that you should be proud of yourself to reach out like this. Please do let us know how it goes and how you feel afterwards. I wish you goodness and strength for the journey, as our old friend Bonnie used to say. She was on our site years and years ago, and like you...lost her Son and only child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rebekahs mom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Peggy- I'm glad you are going to a support group let us know how you get along. I completely agree with a broken heart..part of me died Dec 17th. Mermaid tears- speaking about how your children wanted to decorate for Christmas and saying they lost their sibling too really put things into perspective for me. I read the list to my husband and it's like a lightbulb went off in my head. I'm so consumed with my own grief at times I have to try and be present for my other children that are grieving too. It's just a sad day over all...11 weeks and feels like a lifetime she's been gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Thanks I will let everyone know I know I need help I'm guessing the meds are helping but however when I lose l really lose it. Maybe I could help other people join a group too. If I like it but if I don't you will be the first to know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Peggy.....you are doing what you 'instinctively' know what is good for you. I had to listen to my 'intuition' on a very intimate level when I lost my John David....you know you need to be with others that are walking in your shoes....and to have human contact. Yes....we do need 'people'. Just as many Churches have their 'title'...what I have learned is it is the people that make a church say it's name. What I mean...is if that group doesn't fit well with you...simply find another. But...I urge you to give it time...and be very open minded and patient....those parents are struggling, too, to find some solid ground so they don't feel as if they are slipping down. Just let yourself relax and know there is no right or wrong way to grieve....and there are no answers to a parent's questions....there is no magic pill or lofty words that will smooth out all the rough bumps on this grief journey. But....we have each other. I am glad you have the love and support of your nieces and nephews and sisters and brothers. I am a believer...and I do believe with every fiber in my body...and in my spirit and soul....that not even death can separate a Mother from her child. I had the instinct to read every book of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross....I ordered every book she wrote and co-wrote....I urge you to read her books...it isn't a cure...but it will bring a sliver of comfort to your broken heart. Let us know how you are doing each day...we are here to hear you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 My nod to Elizabeth Kubler Ross, written some time ago, but perhaps fits today... EKR Elizabeth Kubler Ross where are you when we need you, as we try to figure out a way to pull one limb at a time from this stage, and progress on to the next? None of them pretty, the stages I mean, all of them promising the roller coaster of emotions, all of them lead to the end. And so the outcome, Sweet Elizabeth, is repeated over and over again, just as you predicted, just as you taught, and we so wish we never had to put it into practice. But we are grateful for your promise of acceptance and assimilation as it does one day come. So you were there all along Elizabeth, in between the pages of my old psychology books and now all those books on grief, waiting for us to come back and read again, in our newest iteration as parents of lost children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 thank you everyone for listening again you are the only ones who understand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Peggy, that is great that you are going to try a group. I think that says "LOOK HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME" . Sure there are many, many steps yet to take but seriously could you have seen yourself in a group on Jan 25 or Feb 1st.... maybe not. Good for you to reach out. In the beginning I wrote a lot. Journaling I guess. I always was in the habit of doing that no matter what was going on in my life I always felt better if I put my feelings out there whether good or bad. I also read a lot and like to write something that strikes me. I did write down that "Grief is not a life sentence, it is a passage. You didn't choose this direction but you now have a change in course and it is yours to figure out." The world for you (and me) came to a crashing stop. We were lost, disoriented and (my favorite) cast to the bottom of a deep, dark well. What we soon found out was that the rest of the world was still going. Seriously, I thought that was absolutely unfair that others could go about LIFE when my world was crushed. (Virginia, I truly understand how you feel) But in taking my one day at a time and many steps back I reread where I was. None of us will truly "heal", this loss will always be a part of who we are but somehow a little light will show and someday the little strength you have starts to hold you upright. It takes time, it takes patience and an awful lot of work. Margarett, let us know how you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Margarett. How r u doing. I know it’s so hard right now. Let us know if you r ok. I’ve been worried about you. Peggy. I went to a bereaved moms group for several years and still go once in awhile. It took. Me a long time before I could get thru my story without having to stop and break down. But there it was ok cause everyone understood. This was first time I found others who had also suffered a child loss and oh what a comfort to be understood. U r right we are the only ones who do. Good for u to be able to do this. Let us know how it goes. And always always we r here to talk. If you want to email or want me to call u sometime I can do that too. It is a life long painful journey but u do not have to walk alone. Niques mom. I had so many terrible and hurtful things said to me at work. I couldn’t focus or concentrate any more so I got fired after 29 years at the same job. They had not an ounce of sympathy for a grieving mom. None at all. I don’t understand people in this world who can be so nasty to grieving parents but family, friends I had the time, are all gone. So try not to let yourself get to down about it. It took me 6 years before I finally stopped letting them hurt me anymore. Don’t u take that long. Rebekahs mom. Yes that is an accomplishment to take your girls to dance lessons. U reminded me of my Kira. She was beautiful dancer and danced for years. But yes even those small things can be difficult so good for you. You will always notice things now like your daughters hands, that will remind you of Rebekah. Things u probably didn’t think much of before. Keep going all this little things r baby steps. So nice some of you to share your stories from your own personal tragedies. It gives us all hope. I can realize I’m a bit further along then our newbies. But feel like I’m in the middle of a road a lot of times. Teetering with one foot in heaven with my daughter and the other here on earth with my boys. But yes suicide wishes, wishes of accidents, heart attacks. whatever, seems like we have all been in that place at one time or another. But somehow we crawl if we have to but we do get to the next day. I read where a mom said I died the day my child did they just forgot to bury me. That sums up my whole 6 1/2 years without my precious Kira. But these other moms r right, we have to wait til our number is up. We still have a purpose here. Take care my grieving friends. Luanne. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 yes margarett i too can't stand everyone around me being happy. me just wishing i could be like them.i walk in a parking lot and say life goes on but my son will never walk here again. i don't think i am intentionally trying to make myself feel worse it just happens. every waking moment i think of him.well on tuesday i hope i will feel at least some comfort. thanks peggy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 thank you luanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 ALL of you guys, take care of yourselves. The losses we have all suffered are immense and sometimes the pain and anguish is overwhelming and the desire to be away from it all quite appealing although wrong. I think we all deserve to be ok in the end it will be a long and difficult journey but our spirit children need us to be strong and live on to reinforce their memory. Some of will effect visible changes, some will feel their efforts were in vain but that is never the case. I believe we can all have a hand in changing the world one person at a time. Love for our children is what binds us all together here. by supporting each other with the gifts of understanding and compassion we save lives too. Blessings to each one of you for your bravery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted March 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 love that last one; stars can't shine without darkness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 My dad died Jan 2. My birthday was yesterday and he picked a card out for me before he died. Tears again. But I know my little girl has her grandpa with her. Luanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Louanne, wow, what a dear-heart that he did that...that he thought ahead to get you a card and Happy Birthday dear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Thanks dee. So sad to hear about friend, patti. Must be so hard on her husband and kids. But lm glad they have you to comfort them. My husbands brother in law goes this week to find out if his cancer has spread. He’s in same hospital where his son died of cancer years ago. No end to sadness in this world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Thanks Louanne, Patti is surrounded by family and friends...I am a friend but she has so many people far closer to her than I...she and I share something lovely though, and she knows that I understand loss the way she hopes her Sons and Husband will. She also thought Erica's funeral was a special spiritual service and wants to make sure hers holds some of that. Patti is one of those people who has friends near and far from her earliest relationships to now. A gatherer of good people. God knows what a well-loved girl she is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SAMANTHA ANT'S MA Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Happy Birthday, Luanne Hi Everybody, Margeetx, I send big bear hugs too you cause I feel the same. THE DAYS BEEN DARK & THE NIGHTS SAD & LONELY. Before my son Anthony passed away I believed in God & his son Jesus Christ. When I Prayed he answered. According to his will & I was always ok with it. I felt so close to god. Now I don't know what to believe in. I don't believe the god I knew & served would take my son. I am starting to believe that there are greater powers in this universe & maybe scientist are right about this world. Am I losing it. Help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Samantha, many have had to tussle with their belief system after losing a child...I have long believed in a GOD or Gods and not so much Jesus, not as a savior...I do think that God gives us free choice as to who we are and how we live our lives, no God would ever allow the earthquakes, wars, gang violence and whatnot, that is all science and human choice...I have always believed in Gods in the world as Energies that are all knowing, and I do believe in the science that started the world and our universe and so in my belief system, Gods created a time and space in which the spirit world exists after the human condition is worn out...for whatever reason...God did not put my Girl on the tracks to be hit by a train at a broken crossing, the crossing was broken due to human failure, my daughter chose to go out to get a meal, and that was it! Nobody planned that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Samantha. The lose of my daughter has actually strengthened my believe in god, Jesus, heaven. I can believe she is in a beautiful place called heaven or just rotting away in the ground. The latter I can’t life with. My chaplain tells me heaven is more beautiful than what we can ever image here on earth, she has no need or desire for all the things she had here on earth and that time is neverending there, it is not time the way we see time. So for her she doesn’t measure 6 1/2 years without us, it is infinity for her. She said god did not take Kira to punish her or me or cause he wanted her for himself. She told me this and maybe it will work for you. She said to image my girl in heaven with a gold string tied from her finger in heaven down to my finger on earth and she uses that string to pull me thru everyday. I looked up and I saw her in a red dress with gold trim with the gold string was tied around her finger. Her hair was gently blowing and she was looking straight ahead but a peaceful content look on her face. I know that someday she will look down and say it’s ok mom you can come now it s time. And she will hold her hand out to me. And I am not one who sees signs a lot or has visions of my daughter , but I saw that picture of her that day and I hold on tight to that. My husband and boys do not believe at all so I don’t talk to them about it. But this is a hope I hold on to and I can picture her whenever I want. I do understand the questioning of god when u lose a child. It’s hard to keep your faith after something like this. I hope this helps. Luanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 louann to get a card from your dad, that he had thought of you before he passed how lovely. Made me cry! You are loved by so many people. happy birthday too I am sorry these pain meds really mess with my memory and I forget stuff so easily. Saw my surgeon today and am worried because it is still so painful after almost 6 weeks. He agrees a short term stronger opiod med is best to help for the next couple weeks. Xray looked ok small healing in one area none in the others. Not happy about taking opiods they kind of scare me, but if my dr prescribes it for a very short term I will do it. hopefully it will all settle down in a while and i will be able to mobilise. I loved the quotes too. I am pleased you have your faith to hold onto we need every resource available. Kira will always be attached to you. dee I know you will be a wonderful help and resource for your friend Patti and her family at this very sorrowful time of planning for a future passing on. Why the nicest people get taken too early I will never get, the most evil and nasty people seem to get a better deal, and live longer in this world,makes no sense at all. I always find your choice of words helpful and i am glad your faith helps you. samantha I think it is very hard to get your head around religion and god especially when your faith is so painfully tested. Some people do get strength from faith and i hope that happens for you, and some do not. I lost my faith totally and am ok with that. Like Louanne I believe our children are safe and happy and still with us day to day. I believe they are able to send signs from time to time to remind us we are not left behind and to know they are still always with us and aware of what we go through. I also absolutely know we will see them again when it is our time to go and that it will be as if we never had this separation the time has a different dimension. It will be ok we will hold them in our arms again no doubt about that. Love never dies it transcends everything else. Whatever moves you to be able to grow and heal is only good. I see my Tommy as a perpetual 24 year old laughing and full of energy no older year to year just waiting for us all to join him when that time comes and I know I am not afraid when that day comes because no one passes alone. He will come and get me. I am very at peace with that. The body is just a human shell it is discarded when it is not needed like a butterfly's cocoon and the spirit flies freely into a place of healing and happiness. It just takes time to heal the heart but you will get there, be strong friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members My girl is in heaven Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Lesley. How did your dr appt go. Hope u got some much needed relief to your ankle pain. More meds, , more rest? Let us know. margee. Am so worried for you. Let us know that you r ok. Ok? We are all holding u up right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sweetpea26 Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Samantha, I'm sorry you're going through this. These may help you: Hope for those who have lost loved ones Part 1:https://www.harvest.org/watch-and-listen/radio/listen/2018-01-17 Hope for those who have lost loved ones Part 2 https://www.harvest.org/watch-and-listen/radio/listen/2018-01-18 Hope for those who have lost loved ones Part 3 https://www.harvest.org/watch-and-listen/radio/listen/2018-01-19 Sus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Luanne, first off, happy belated birthday. How touching to find a card your dad bought for you before he passed. I too, have enough religion in me to believe in God and an afterlife. Even if I didn't have 8 years of Catholic school, I need to believe because I know it helps. I did witness the death of a person I was very closed to, and as I have told the story several times, I will just say that it was the most moving experience I ever had. Her family came to get her to help her on her new journey. She saw them, she acknowledged them...I have never seen anything like it and I have seen my share of people pass. I have been fortunate to have received a few signs from my son. Sadly, (well, sort of) we do not live in a controlled environment. We are human and bad things can and do happen. Samantha, hold on to what helps you. During this time it is so hard and so easy to question everything. But you will know what you need deep inside. Well, I know you need Anthony back but what I mean is whatever your belief structure is or what you need from it,take and hold on to it. This unbearable loss shakes everything we thought we knew. Whatever is the right thing out there for you, you will know it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 When my Daddy left this earth home...I was the one to 'go through' the home my parents had lived in since I was 4 years old....I was not my usual ' get-r-done' person..but slow and deliberate my work went. I found a sack of birthday cards in his desk....for daughter, granddaughter, son, etc....none were signed....but I could picture his long and lanky posture....looking through every card to find the 'right one'...for each of us...dressed in his plaid shirt and khakis. I distributed all the cards....mine is still a treasure. Luanne...you are blessed....you have a 'sign' of love from your Daddy...it shall sustain you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 i am also hurting so bad and samantha and margarett i know exactly how you are feeling. it seems we just don't want to live any more it just hurts so much. i do believe in what everyone is telling us that we will learn to live with this. it is hard to believe but i do not believe for one second that they love their kids any less than we do so they must know what they are talking about. we already know it will never leave us there are people on here for 25 years so we know this will never go away. but we need to know if they lived for 25 years without their babies maybe we will too. for the first time in my life i am glad i am getting older i am 60 now and i know i won't have to go that long without him. it does not make it easier for sure. i am just so miserable without him! i go to my grief meeting tomorrow night and i am sure i will cry the entire time. 6 weeks and 2 day's it's bad just so bad thanks peggy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 Peggy....the physical pain is so real....how many times I was just knocked to my knees...and it just doesn't seem to let up and give one any ease. I felt as if I would have to come up for 'air'...like I was drowning. Grief is exhausting and heavy and dark and ongoing. You will find the 'shock suit' will fit very tight in the first two years. You need to be doing just what you are doing....mourning and grief stricken...and you are crying and wondering how you will go on. I would wake up and the first thing I would think is..'what will I do without you?'. And I agree....it is bad..just so bad....like taking a walk through hell. There is no way to get over it...one cannot jump over it...or walk around it...or avoid this kind of grief...one simply has to 'go through' it. You go through it one minute..one hour...one day at a time. You have a good support family with you...and I am glad you will go to the grief meeting tomorrow and meet parents...face to face....that will also understand this unimaginable pain. It is good to have human contact with others that walk in your shoes. Please take some deep breaths...do this many times a day....this will bring you some balance. Dee says we are so brave...and we are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SAMANTHA ANT'S MA Posted March 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2018 6 hours ago, sweetpea26 said: Samantha, I'm sorry you're going through this. These may help you: Hope for those who have lost loved ones Part 1:https://www.harvest.org/watch-and-listen/radio/listen/2018-01-17 Hope for those who have lost loved ones Part 2 https://www.harvest.org/watch-and-listen/radio/listen/2018-01-18 Hope for those who have lost loved ones Part 3 https://www.harvest.org/watch-and-listen/radio/listen/2018-01-19 Sus Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 To our Sweet Newbies, hold on, even though it is and feels like a lifetime ago that you lost your Sweetheart Child, you are all so newly thrown into this terrible time. One day is too long to be without our child/Children, but we are here to help you know that the shock and pain is what we all felt too, and so you can and will live through this time, this time is not how you will always feel. Sherry and I are the longest on this site as far as we know, and we are both approaching our 15th year anniversary this summer...along with all the others, we have left our footprints for you to step into when you simply cannot find your way...there are those days when we wonder why bother? We get that, we wondered that too. No easy answers to this, except the basic one: You are still here, and for whatever reason, it is not time for you to leave. We are still here and so we still have work to do here, and we don't get to know Why this happened, instead the question to ask is HOW? How to live in the face of so much pain? How do we interact with family when all we want to do is be alone? How do we maintain relationships at this terrible time? How do we go to work during this time of grief? None of these is an easy answer, but by looking at how, rather than why, you may find as I did, that I can work on the hows...I could get back some of the control lost when grief sucked the life out of our lives... Margee, are you out there? You don't need to write much, just let us know if you can hear us? Georgina, I love the robin photo you posted, such a different species from the robins we have here, which by the way, still are my favorite bird song ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NiquesMom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 If I figure out why I am here, what lesson I needed to learn, will God take me sooner? I am only 38 but I am not afraid to die anymore. I was terrified of leaving my daughter, now she is gone, I know my son would be fine with his dad, he has a good dad (not like my daughters dad, I couldn't leave her, she needed me too much), my husband is good to our son. Will God take me if I can figure out why I am here?? I know nique is in heaven, my faith has never been stronger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MargeeTx Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 Hello everyone: I did not fall off the face of the earth; I, honestly was somewhat ashamed of my weakness the other day when I was sitting here looking at my collection of medications that I knew could be effective in ending my life. I cannot do that to my family, God, friends, or any of you. My gosh, since the first day that I found this group, you all have cared, understood, listened, given me hope, and encouragement. So many of my friends have fallen to the wayside since Jason died....they are unsure of what to say to me...I know that. Yesterday, I got a phone call from an old, close friend, from the 80's. She started the conversation with". You have been on my mind the past few weeks...what is going on?" When I told her about Jason, it was as if she 'knew' that something horrific had happened. Beth and I have stayed in touch for the past 37 years... now, that is a friend. I don't know about all of you , but in this life, I haven't had that many friends that I can say are truly friends. She is one of those friends. Then this morning, she sent me the most beautiful flowers, that did not look like 'funeral ' flowers. She lives in the mountains in north Georgia... is a widow. As soon as I can, I am going to visit her. She gets it. is my pain better? NO. Do I feel better? NO. BUT, I know that somehow I will get through this. This weekend, Carson ( 11 yr old grandson) qualified for national competition in the Rubic Cube competition. He was thrilled. They are preparing for a vacation trip to Costo Rico next week. All 21 members of my dgt-in-laws family are going. I pray for safe travels. Please let me sleep tonight. Thinking of each of you. XXOO. margarett Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 Sleep tonight, sleep and dream sweetly...and wow! what a great thing to see you here tonight. Glad for your friend to have contacted you as well. My what a brilliant Grand Boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 No Niques Mom, God doesn't take from us, but provides a place to be when we no longer can be here...I remember being 38, I was 38 when I got my first college degree adn started teaching, had always worked with children but never had a degree, so when my kids were in school at the local elementary, where I now work, I went to college in the hours htat they were in school. I was 47 when I lost my Girl, and now I am 61. Nobody is going to take you even if you find your purpose here on earth. You belong here even though you feel like an alien world has replaced yours. One day you will look forward to little things again. Give yourself the time to grieve and don't expect much from you right now. If possibleread up on the stages of grief if you have not already. Great books: The Worst Loss written by two moms who know and Don't Let Death Ruin your Life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 margarett so glad to hear from you. One thing I love about this forum is the honesty. Being able to say the things you cannot say to family and friends because it will freak them out is so refreshing. So many of us have had those bad thoughts and being able to open up a dialogue with others who get it is priceless. keeping the bad thoughts hidden is actually more dangerous because they fester and can build until you lose common sense and start believing them and lose your mind. It is a hellish journey for sure and even months or years on you can fall down again and doubt your ability to carry on. Knowing you are understood and supported is priceless. niquesmom I agree with dee reading grief books helps you to understand more of the process and normalises it so you realise a lot of what you feel is ok, the trick is how you handle it. Most days is putting one foot in front of the other or trying to distract your mind from those thoughts by doing silly inane stuff like cleaning or crosswords or computer games, anything to safely move your attention onto something else. You will learn from experience what works for you. When you work it is especially hard because when you get home it all floods in and your cope is spent after trying to function. I even made myself a silly file of stupid pictures off the internet of animals doing crazy stuff so when i am losing it I can look at those and reboot my sense of humour. Maybe only makes a tiny smile but it works. Sometimes I put on videos of Nature with gentle music or nature sounds and shut my eyes and try to deep breathe and relax, and sometimes I just go back to ber with a book. Whatever works. I have now been prescribed pregabolin for the awful pain so i can hopefully start to mobilise soon. Have been very depressed not being able to move off the couch or do much for myself living alone which totally pulls down the mood. I try to find small pieces of appreciation for what I do have and spend time looking at plants in magazines dreaming of what I can do in my garden later this year. A hobby or craft is pretty good for grief. Some people journal or write poetry on the poetry forum, some do artistic or creative things like pottery, painting or jewellry making, some knit or crochet simple hats or blankets for premature babies or the homeless shelters, some practice small gifts of happiness for others like feeding a parking meter or buying a meal for the car behind in the drive through. There are 100's of ways to lift the gloom by helping others makes you feel more productive. samantha peggy thinking about you too. We are all in this messy situation together you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 Margarett, so glad to see you post. Darkness comes over us with no rhyme or reason. And isn't it interesting sometimes it is the most random of things that help pull us out (aka your old friend!) One step forward, two steps back happens for a while. Never be ashamed to share your feelings here, that is what we are here for! I have always thought of those who regularly post have been my mentors. They took me in at the lowest point I could have never imagined and have stood by me through every bump and the occasional forward step. For the length of the life those flowers have given, think of them as a celebration of Jason, a comfort for a broken heart and the compassionate arm of a dear old friend. Virginia, there is no greater love than that of a mother for a child. I know how devastating this is right now. Your heart is broken, your world as you knew it has been pulled out from under you. There is so much more darkness than you ever thought possible. And then there is Kyle. He is only 4 and loves his mother not only with his whole heart but knows she is the center of his universe. Dominque loves you and that never will change. Someday, when your time comes, she will be reaching out her hand to you, standing with her grandparents, welcoming you. But, for now she knows how much her little brother needs you. His life is ahead of him and he needs to have the love and guidance of his mom. Kyle doesn't have his big sister to help him navigate the things the world throws at him, nor for the celebrations of his achievements. But he has his mom and dad. Dominque will probably be in the back of your mind as you help your son grow into the fine young man he will be and she will share your joy in watching him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 Kate, glad to hear that Ross is making strides and doing well. Hopefully so are you. Missing seeing you here. Lesley, hang in there, you will be in your garden before you know it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 Lesley, goodness knows you have had a lot to deal with and I don't know how you are doing it...I know how depressed I get when I can't get out and about, so my hat is off to you, as you navigate this healing time...and as you have been healing and dealing, you are always there offering a helpful hugs and a hand to hold. I hope this new med works for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rebekahs mom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 I found this picture of my daughter with my 2nd child when we got her belongings back. She must have taken it from his baby book before she moved away. I miss her terribly today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 What a beautiful photo Sarah, her love for you and her brother so strong, still is. Of course you miss her so very much, this is the strength of your love...when th emissing is less painful, it will not be cause the love is less, no way, it will be when you have learned to knit Rebekah into your spirit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rebekahs mom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 Thank you...your words help so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 Sarah.....I see so much 'love all over' in that photo....'a picture is worth a 1,000 words'.....in the first 3 years of my grief journey....this 'emotion' would wash over me...it was intense 'missing...longing...homesick'.....it would just be so overwhelming I would have to sit down if I was busy doing something. It could be triggered by a song..a smell...or a long ago memory that seemed to pop into my thoughts or a photo. I learned NOT to go through photos unless I had a lot of time....and be prepared for crying jags. Here I am on the 5th year of my grief journey...and I still reserve 'time out' to go through photos. You are doing what you should be doing at this time....you are in deep mourning..and honor it. There are a few parents on this site that lost a baby very early in it's life...and they were 'hurried' along with their grief. Then....many, many years later....they started grieving for that child. It is good and normal to allow yourself to grieve deeply. You will also have to allow yourself to change....Dee says we change to make room for the grief...I do believe that. We have to allow ourselves to be human...I think the strongest people allow themselves to be vulnerable and allow their tears to fall. I am posting one of Dee's poems...that really touched me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 Why thank you Susan, so honored. I do believe this, it is with time, (no it does not heal all wounds, it simply allows us space to find who we now are)...it is with time and with hope that we get to that next phase... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members peggy a sad mom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 thank you mermaid! i will let everyone know how i make out tonight. niquesmom i wish there is something i could say but there is not it is something i think about all day long. i have said this thou i would never commit suicide cause then i am afraid god won't let me see my son. so i guess we just have to suffer till out last breath comes and maybe just maybe we will learn to live with it. if you try i will too! what do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 sarah that photo is full of love like dee said.how lovely that your daughter took it with her. I am over 2 and 1/2 years on and still cannot look at any old photos of my boy. I can only look at the ones I have in my family room. There is no rush to try and face everything all at once your heart needs to scab over a bit at a time. I deal with things over time when I recognize I am mentally prepared and still like all of us I get tripped up by memories or triggers that is normal. It is a slow process but we are all different. peggy good luck with the group. We can only do what we feel is right for ourself. Advice is something you listen to and then you make your decisions. dee louanne and dianne thanks. I am really struggling with this ankle, my depression has imploded because as you know mental health is so closely linked to physical health. Today i managed to struggle out a few feet into my back garden for the first time in over 6 weeks, and felt the breeze on my face it felt good even though I only managed 10 minutes outside. I looked around and saw mini daffodils and heather blooming, saw a frog in my pond, heard birds singing and then saw my first butterfly of the year! Maybe that was Tommy checking up on me? I am always happy to offer the hand of friendship to all who come here, because i so appreciate all the care and support shown to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted March 6, 2018 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2018 WOW! a butterfly already, your climate is very different than ours here in the midwest...our first is usually sometime in May, moths in April, those cabbage whites. I bet Tommy made special effort to send you that first one for sure. You hang in Lesley, and get out for 10 minutes again tomorrow if you can, maybe even 15. Peg, good group tonight I hope, so proud of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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