Loss of an Adult Child

[mynicholas]

Hello to everyone!

It's been a very long time since I've posted! I lost my son Nicholas on May 8th 2005, it was 'Mother's Day'. Of course alot has gone on since then. THE PAIN HOWEVER STILL REMAINS, it seems as fresh as yesterday, and NO it doesn't ever get easier, we all just walk and remain.

As I have been reading today, I will say I AM SORRY for the loss of EVERYONE'S CHILD that have come here to post and say how they feel. The road is very long and there isn't a day that goes by that I know I am not afraid of "death" anymore, it's just a step to seeing my Nicholas again. Oh! I do laugh and joke especially with my two girls and grandson, but, the pain inside is so "gut-wrenching"! Everytime I go to the cemetetary to see Nicholas it brings back that "horrible", frieghtening feeling I had the day I had to put him there, it never changes. Both of my girls (Samantha & Morgan)have written letters to me and the one thing that they always write is "Mom you are the strongest person I know", somehow I find that so hard to believe. I still feel so weak, all of you know what I'm talking about. The very hard thing is my grandson "Gunner" is growing up without his daddy, who he looks EXACTLY ALIKE, looking at his and Nicholas' picture you wouldn't know the difference, and I know Gunner still remembers him even though he was only two when he lost him.

Oh! by the way........I DID GET MARRIED AFTER ALL! We "tied the knot"

on 7-7-07! He (Richard) has been alot of "strength" for me. My plan three years ago was to have Nicholas walk me down the isle. I KNOW HE WAS INDEED WITH ME THAT DAY, HE WAS RIGHT BESIDE OF ME! This is have to believe.

Later, Rose

[bokenhearted]

Rose (mynicholas)

I sit here reading all the posts but I have to say you have tugged at my heart strings or should I say whats left of them. I remember your earlier posts back in 2005 as there is not a lot of difference between dates of our sons passing. My Karl died on 25th April 2005. ANZAC Day here in Australia. As you said we laugh and joke and go through the motions of living but that horrid gut wrenching feeling is with us always. As for the being strong.. oh how I wish that were true. Days and nights (mainly nights for me) leave me crying until utterly exhausted and spent but the tears may bring slight relief but I find the next night I feel just the same again. Just of late it has been particularly hard due to other events in my life and I feel myself getting depressed. I swore after Karl died I would not let myself fall into that dark deep pit of depression but I am finding it is becoming harder to keep myself from falling into the pit as I call it. I have even had to go back to taking the odd sleeping pill to get an occassional nights sleep. My mind will just not stop thinking about how sad and how much I miss my son. I think I am my own worst enemy. Something else I find hard to deal with is there is another young man who lives in my town who is very similar in looks and build to my son and everytime I see him it takes my breath away but then I end up crying that it is not Karl. How can our emotions do this sort of thing to us.

Well once again I find myself babbling but that is something I can do here and know that noone is going to look at me like I have 2 heads.

Let me say that I am pleased you have found Richard and he gives you strength. Congratulations on your marriage. Well done and we all have to take what small pleasures this life as we know it gives us. Nice to hear from you.

Catch you again.

Joanne (My user name use to be brokenhearted but somehow the r dissappeared out of brokenhearted) go figure

[mynicholas]

Joanne,

Hey! Thanks for your reply! Yeah, it is very hard, the sleeping part is what almost "took ahold of me", for the first year and a half or so, I NEVER SLEPT ALL NIGHT, not until I went to the Dr. and got some help. The "wheels" just kept turning, all I could do was think, about this and that and how I could have changed things, however, the answer stayed the same! I finally did go and get help....I knew I needed help the night I layed beside my grandson (Gunner) and knew I didn't want to be here (live) anymore, I KNEW I WAS IN REAL TROUBLE! I did get help with some medication and it didin't take long until I was or am sleeping at night, it's still though the morning (every morning) that I wake up and IT'S STILL MISERABLE, BECAUSE IT'S ANOTHERE DAY WITHOUT MY NICHOLAS! As you and everyone on here know....IT'S A VERY HARD ROAD, it doesn't matter what ANYONE says.....WE ALL LIVE AND FEEL IT DIFFERENTLY, BECAUSE ALL OF "OUR" CHILDREN ARE DIFFERENT INDIVIDUALS! Everyone of us "suffer" differently....obviously, but the fact remains....WE ALL KNOW THE "SAME" HORRID, VERY SAD, AND PAINFUL HEART WE "ALL" ONCE KNEW TO BE HAPPY BECAUSE WE ONCE HAD "OUR" CHILD OR CHILDREN.

Talk soon,

Rose

[bbarbie55]

Hey

I just came on here to actually just read posts. I don't want to even think about today my little girl has been gone three months now and I still remember the last time I saw her and when I kissed her forehead goodbye. I still hurt just as much now as I did then maybe more. It seems everyone has forgotten her but I can't a part of me died with her. Now when I look at her little boy I see her and that makes me want to cry. I wish she were still here so I could just set with her again. They say the pain eases with time I don't believe that I still grieve for my mother and shes been gone twenty years. I wish I could go back six months and maybe I could have prevented her death but I know that can't happen. The bad thing my son in law still has her ashes and hasn't buried them yet so where do I go to remember her? Also her dad died less than two months after her and that is also upsetting his wife got his car and took what she wanted then she went back to her boyfriend what a time this has been Bobbi passed 4/24 and her dad 6/22 and no one seems to care.

I just had to rant awhile thanks for listening.

[mamabets]

For All~ I know all of this pain, so very well. To never sleep,mynicholas, to be so tremendously petrified, bbarbie55. To say that this has gotten easier would be chosing a poor word to describe it, however since that fateful night back in June of 2004, the walk has gotten easier, because the agony has softened some. My Danny was such a HUGE part of all of my waking hours when he was here on Earth...He remains to be. I celebrate him; I miss him to a point where I am constantly asking myself "Betsy, HOW are you doing this?????" I have no answers except that I clearly am... There are questions to so many things, like why I have been let down by key people...No answer, so I don't ask that one anymore. There is no grey area after losing a child, and some answers come quickly , other questions have the ability to nag at my heart, so I just leave the grey areas to a power far greater than me. My Danny is more powerful than ever, and he has a magical way of carrying me through this, much like his love and friendship did when he was here. He did not die, I often say...I did. So, I thank him for giving me life again, and I promise you all, that with a fierce determination that comes with time, and a willingness beyond our reach at many crossroads, it will happen. Again, it softens, and for that, one tends to take it and run, for any amount of relief is welcomed. Time takes time, and once I put time on my side, then I came to a point of accepting that Danny is in a place that is FILLED with such never ending peace...For him, I will do the rest here. I will laugh his laugh when it comes my way, and I will live out the rest of my days EXACTLY like he wants for me to. I am here for all of you and am so proud to call you my friends, because it is called "living the impossible" here, and it takes courage to join this club. It does help to surround yourself with people who understand... xoxomamabets

[Guest Guest]

Hi,another Mom refered me to this site and I,m so glad. I have been looking for a place to connect with other moms. My son,Tony,41,my only child died 12/09/06. He died suddenly of heart disease.We had just retired and this was going to be the best years of our lives.Now I feel like I,m in hell,with no future in front of me.

[4everjoeysmom]

Guest, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Tony. No words can express the sadness I feel for you...

So many hurting parents here... I too am one of those parents. I lost my son Joey last July 31st. He would be 25 this August 7th. There will be no 1/4 century birthday celebration as I once received from my own parents. And as I am fast approaching one year of his absence, I hurt for all of you here. There is such a blaring silence in my life where Joey stood. I know it's the same yet so different for all of us, this painful journey.

This past year I have grown considerably through my pain, and yet I find a part of myself frozen in time, because a part of my heart stopped beating with Joey's. I have read so many books on loss and long term grief, yet I find that part of my heart knows no relief and never will in this lifetime, even though I know there are so many things to be thankful for. There is a part of me that still tries to pretend that Joey is away on a long journey. It's so hard to think that he is gone from here forever. Memories are less painful now, but the absence painfully grows. All of the things I dreamed about for Joey, like college graduation, a wonderful career, marriage and children, and so on are shattered and fallen at my feet, never to be part of the puzzle again. And while he is undoubtedly gone, I still can't imagine the years ahead of me without him. I can only take one day at a time and still moment by moment. I cry less now, but my heart bleeds with a wound that will never heal. There will be nothing that can replace Joey or even comfort me in the fact that he is gone. I have a strong faith that guides me and in that I find many, many blessings. Yet still there is no blessing with the perfect shape to patch the hole in my heart. I am saddened and grief stricken in this life. The loss of Joey is profoundly a mark that I will bear for my entire lifetime, and learning to go beyond today one day at a time is profoundly the greatest challenge I face. I have wonderful days. Yet each day as wonderful as it may be still finds me yearning for the relationship I had with my son. I am grateful in knowing that death from this life is not the eternal end, as I know I will see him again. I often wonder why life must throw these kinds of curves, as if it isn't difficult enough getting through the pianful growing up and teenage years. I thought he was safe into young adulthood with all of life before him. I dreamed his dreams and shared his victories, and even his defeats. Yet I never dreamed I would be praying one day that in my dreams would be the only way I can see him, touch him and talk to him. I am still waiting for that dream to come. I don't know that my heart is ready. It is the only reason I can think of for why I have yet to dream of him. I am not despairing as I once was, but the sad void remains. I try to find the light in the dark, and it is there. I reach for it, but it seems I cannot hold onto it endlessly. It comes and goes. I live a worthwhile life in helping others through a volunteer career as a full time missionary. Yet no greatest of accomplishments undoes what has been done, what has been taken away. It does not stop me from going forward, because I can't imagine ever living ordinary with such a painful yet extraordinary life changing event that has brought me to live on my knees. This loss has changed me forever. I still feel the numbness in my own life as lives around me are being affected for good. I have hope for my future. Yet at the same time I know that it will not ever be complete in this lifetime. This is my journey. I share my heart with many people, the good days and the bad days. I remain open to all of the change around me. Whether it affects me indirectly or directly, negative or positive, I know there is no pain greater than this, the loss of my child. It was never supposed to be like this. But here it is so, and I go on. I read all of your posts daily, and my heart continues to ache for all of you and for me. Yet at the same time I can muster a smile and a good day, no matter how much seems to be missing. It's a wonder... Perhaps the greatest wonder of the world is how we parents continue on through something like this. It is not a monumental wonder where people can visit in awe and snap photographs for their albums to reminisce over in their own years to come. Yet it is a monumental challenge for each of us that is larger than any physical wonder of the world. I have seen pictures and the disected pieces of a real human heart in science books and classes. Yet the photogrpahic structure itself does not reflect the magnitude of strength a human heart holds and bears through such profound grief. How is it possible that something so powerful is invisible to the naked eye. We can only feel the magnitude. Yet most of the time people around us cannot relate. If only they could see what we feel, perhaps the world would be a greater and less lonely place. It's a world full of people, yet so empty when precious ones are taken from us. There is no such thing as "too soon", because when you love this much, no time is better than another for that departure. The loss is always profound, always catastrophic. It is the grief stricken heart left behind that knows like nothing else ever could how much that love is cherished and clung to, even though the physical nature of that love has been altered by absence. It will never die. That love is what carries me and lifts me beyond strength I ever imagined. That loves is what makes the journey bearable, no matter how painful and dark. And it is that love that finds me reaching out to share my journey in the hopes that someone else out there can find and cling to the love and hope and future that tells us life is much better because they were here. Even though we walk forward without their tangible presence, we walk forward enveloped in the love that exists forever because they exist forever beyond here. And it is the vision of that reunion that finds me walking forward, as each day draws me nearer to something far greater than I can imagine now--a place where time no longer exists and eternity washes away forever the once brokenness of my heart.

I miss you Joey...

[darrylsmom]

Hi All, This is Joyce, my son Darryl was killed in a motorcycle accident on Aug 24/06 he was 41 y/o. So guest I know what you are going through. Your heart just hurts, it is broken. But Joeys mom & I feel the same way. I still cry but not every minute now. I ask our Lord to help me make it through the day. One step at a time. Now my mom passed away on July 1/07 she was 93 y/o. She lived w/ me too. I really miss her, she was so smart & caring. One day we will all be w/ our loved ones. God bless you all. Peace & hugs Joyce

[gramma]

Hi, I\'ve only posted once before, and noticed it said \"Guest.\" Well I am \"gramma,\" but also a grieving mom who lost her best friend and daughter, Vangie on Feb. 4, 2006.

Her father, and I had our 44 wedding anniversary yesterday, July 26. It was difficult. For one thing, Vangie was always the one who especially loved any special family celebration, and always made sure we all acknowledged each other, and got together!

My heart is empty, but also opened like never before. I feel her love, and to a lesser degree, other ones who are gone too, passing through this opening. The Divine easily moves through now, and reminds me that nothing can fill this empty space completely. Only the deepest feelings of love may now pass through-in both directions-as I open to other grief-stricken parents in the moment, and give even a single shattered piece I feel is left of my life. Offering a shattered piece of myself humbly lifts me up for awhile, and is probably one of the greatest keys for healing and "staying the course" in the life and mission I'm here to live out and do.

Vangie and I were/are both spiritual and Mediums. We have connected, but still miss so much the physical touch and family here on this plane.

It is a speial tie, and I hope everyone cherishes that bond with whomever is here for and with you the rest of life.

Gramma, Vangie's mom

[bbarbie55]

Claudia and others

I keep you all in my prayers. Claudia I know its hard for you right now so I say a special one for you tonight.

I want you all to know I love my Bobbi and always will but shes in a better place and would never want to come back. I know the only thing that is getting me through this is the Lord. I can't do this on my own and well minded people don't help it is my faith that keeps me going and always will. Do I cry? Yes but not as often and it doesn't last as long. I just remember my daughter would probably be in a world of hurt yet because of her cancer. So I'm letting the Lord have my pain.

I didn't mean to preach but this is how I feel.

Deb Bobbi's mom

[mamabets]

For bbarbie55~ I know too, that where our kids are is free from ALL things that are anything short of sheer perfection. I call it the "Land of Make Believe Come True"... Danny spoke that phrase to my heart shortly after his Heavenly flight, and I heard every word then, just like I still do, and just as I always did... It's just a different way of communicating, but it is the way of our sweet angels. We need to have a way of "listening up"!!! Life here on Earth can be so very cruel...Going to Heaven is not...xoxoxomamabets

[gramma]

Hi,

The loss of my Vangie will never be filled by another, anything, or words. Yet until I see her again some day, I must carry on with my life's purpose.

Sometimes it is assumed because some folks can give much advice or well put-together-thoughts, they must be advanced in some way. Perhaps somehow they don't feel as much desperation, and intense pain from losing their sweet child, because they believe "their child is better off in Spirit." But even tho I've been in that leadership role for so long, and find it easier to write and offer my encouragement to others, I myself still need much healing and restoration.

Yes, an inner light glows within, and does for all, if we stop and become aware of our loved one's presence....May I grow to let this light shine; healing and warming both myself and those sent my way on this lonely path.

[mamabets]

I know one thing that was suggested to me at grief counseling early on was to keep a journal. I turned my head, wanting absolutely nothing to do with it, although I did write during the week that my Danny was on life support. Shortly after his passing, my daughter and I had each been given an "Angel Catcher", and in time, I did start to write- I then bought some inexpensive, yet pretty, journals, and have been writing ever since. I have quite a few at this point, and while I don't go back and read them alot, I do from time to time, and am amazed at how this too, has been a part of my life's journey. I am still Danny's mother, and will be for all of eternity. I still share with him a beautiful relationship, and with each page, I do see how he has carried me through this time. He guides us all and he has made believers out of many. I weep daily, he is on my mind every minute of each day. I miss him terribly, yet as I listen to my heart that somehow carries on still , I hear him in each and every beat. I start each page of these journals "Hi Honey" and I share with him all that he already knows... One day we will be reunited in a way that can not be separated by time, so for now we do the best that we can. What some may think as it falling short of certain expectations, I stay away from those emotionally. Talking has helped me when it has; silence often helps more. Being kind will always be at the head of it all, for some thing will just never change!! xoxoxmamabets

[bbarbie55]

Hi! I love reading the posts and I really wish none of us had to be here but I feel bad for the new ones who are starting this journey and I wish in my heart they didn't have to go through this pain. Today I'm just thinking of all the times both good and bad with my daughter and you know I wouldn't change a thing even her death. I wish she was here but she could have had such painful death because of the cancer. I'm just thankful she was sedated most of the time she didn't like being in bed and was very active girl. She wanted to go to college and become a writer. I just found out that before they found the cancer she was going to divorce her husband but they stayed together for her treatment. I hold no ill will against him any longer and know he only wants companionship. I feel bad for him to lose a wife knowing how she felt and I know he did still love her I saw him cry the day he decided to turn off her vent and he told me he loved her.

I know now how he feels since my own marriage is being held together by a thread I wish I had answers but I don't. I just got a third job so I can make it on my own if I have to. I only now need to find a car since my husband who doesn't work will keep it and the law is on his side. I wish my life would get easier not harder.

Deb

[mikesmum]

Claudia and all who write here. It has been awhile since my last post. There has been a small break in my fog of the past 8 months. I found myself walking the dog, stopping and talking to people. I am now attempting to return to work. As with everything since Micheal died it is a slow process. A turning point I believe came when we found Mike’s ashes and bought them home. Not just for me but for my entire family. Talking to Melissa and Steven (Mikes siblings) about real feelings has taken sometime but has allowed us if you like permission to miss Micheal but in his memory, we have begun to live again. It took a long time to realise that continuing to live and enjoy the lives we had was not to forget Mike or disrespect him in death.

I now have carers – Melissa and Steven. Since Mike’s death they have been faced with the issue of mortality. We agree that we have learnt much from losing Mike in such circumstances. Not just that he was too young to go, but we are still waiting to hear a final outcome from the coroner.

Mike has taught me much in his death. Each lesson comes with ‘baby steps’ to achieve. Don’t waste one minute procrastinating; you may never get that minute again. While we are busy in our lives, we always take the time to ‘touch base’ regularly. Don’t put off what you might need to do today, tomorrow may never come.

There will always be a piece of me that died with Micheal. Memories of him can make me cry or laugh but they are my memories and no one can take them from me. I know he would be devastated to think his loss cost the loss of another be it the finality of death or the refusal to renter the world. While he might understand the difficulty in getting up and back into the game of life, to stay in the state of suspended grief would cause him concern. I live now for Mike, Melissa, Steven and the granddies.

May you all find the break in your fog. You are all never far from my thoughts.

Claudia – I will think of you this August, may your memories of Joey warm your heart & soul.

Blessed be to those who wait and wonder - Trudi

[daveydow1]

For Gramma,

I am so sorry for your loss of your daughter Vangie.

It is a very hard road to have to travel, but all of

us here have found ourselves on this road, and must

travel it. You have a very inspirational way with the

words you have written. Everyone who contributes here

has a good way of expressing their feelings, and in

doing that they encourage everyone else. Sometimes I

read and sometimes I post. Either way, I always find

encouragement from those who come to BI. I hope you

will come and post. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Darrylsmom,

I am sorry for your loss of dear Darryl, and also

of your dear mother. I guess we all have to go one

day at a time--that's how I did in the early days

after my son, Dave's, death in '03. Time has softened

the pain some. As you say, crying times are not as

long or as often, but still the pain is there. You

are in my prayers. Peace and serenity to you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[lorismom]

Dear Guest ~ My heart goes out to you in the loss of your dear son, Tony.....your only child. I'm glad though that another Mom referred you to this site. I hope that by coming here to read or post will help to soften your grief a little. Lori was my only child, too and I lost her at the age of 34, a few years younger than your son. Be gentle with yourself and know that we will try to help you as best we can. This site has been a safe haven for me to share my feelings and I hope you will find some comfort and peace here also. Take care. Patty

[mynicholas]

Hello to all,

Well, today is my girl's birthday (Samantha & Morgan) Samantha 20 yrs. and Morgan 16yrs! I can still remember when my Nicholas turned 20....little did I know that I would only have him for only a little over a year longer...

I still don't know how to feel, today when I went to get balloon's, I got ALL THREE OF THEM BALLOON'S WITH THIER NAMES ON THEM, Nicholas' was the first one I picked out! I don't know if this is normal or what. I of course THOUGHT "THIS IS RIGHT, I HAVE ALL THREE OF MY KIDS' BALLOONS"! However, something to me wasn't right, does that make sense? Everything is so "screwed" up.......

[gramma]

Thank you so much Lori and Sherry for responding...The little verse brought tears to my eyes, and I have already shared it with some others.

Please forgive me if I left someone out who kindly responded too. I trust I will catch on better as time goes on.....The responses brighten me up, and at the same time I pray that you will find much peace and fufillment in the days to come as your travel on with your sweet Lori and Davey alongside you every step of your path. Nothing could make them leave you now.

We will always cherish the days and years of love together here in our life with our irreplaceable children, but the love we have can never be lost, and will grow within until we someday understand it better when we see them face to face once more..

Love and Well-being, Martha, Vangie's and my first baby Kristina's mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, Thank you. I can read in your words that time is finding you moving those baby steps forward, while yet like me a part of us is frozen in time. I am thankful to have you and the many others here to walk with... more thankful than you'll ever know.

Missing and Remembering Joey, August 7th 1982 - July 31st 2006

[lorismom]

Dear Claudia ~ My thoughts will be with you tomorrow on your beloved son's angel day. I will light a candle for Joey. May you be blessed with many beautiful memories that you shared with your dear son. Love, Patty

[gramma]

For Claudia,

My heart reaches out to you tomorrow....

Please know that I am praying for you.

I remember the feeling and shock last Feb 4, 1 yr. after Vangie left this world, so I feel that 1'st year after your Joey left is sad here for you, but probably a time of happiness in heaven...

Comfort and well-being,

Gramma Martha, Vangie's & Kristina's mom

[mhill49]

Hi everyone new and old,

Well we have survived the birthday of my daughter Nicole, which was July 11th. I cried more 3 days before, than I did the day of her birthday. On July 11th we ended up trading in the wheelchair van we had for our Nicole, it was a bittersweet moment. We had so many plans for that van. Nicole was to be married in July 2008 to her fiance. We would have a van to transport her and her Jack and many of their friends in wheelchairs. Now that is not a possible plan. But I did get a nice car instead. I know Nicole would be happy.

The way my daughter Nicole communicates with us is through the smoke detector. She sets it off. It only goes off for 30 secs. If you all don't know my daughter died in a fire in her apartment. Her wheelchair caused the fire. We are trying to prove that now. So the significance of the smoke detector is errie. But it has happened since she has passed. Most recently was when I purchased a gift for her fiance for his birthday(july 25th), it is a necklace to hold some of Nicole's ashes. Jack asked for one. Well when I received it in the mail it seemed a little bigger than I thought. Holding it up and looking at it I said, "I don't know if he is going to like it this big?" Well doesn't the smoke detector go off. I took it as that he would like it and he did!

.......She has done it at many different times. I is comforting to know she is still spiritually around us.

Today is 9 months since my Nicole is gone. July 30th. She was so much of my life. Her being handicapped with Spina Bifida really took up time in my life. A lot of doctor's appointments, therapies, school issues and just the day to day caring of her. I feel now lost with so much time on my hands. I try to think of what I can do to fill it. I know at some point I will find that something. I do have 2 other children Kaytie, 19 and my son Dan,13. They are both independent. Dan still needs a lot of watching though. I suppose he will fill some of that time. All I know is something good will at some point come of this tragety in our lifes. I miss my girl so much! She wasn't just my daughter she was also a friend. She always listened no matter what. She was and still is a very special young lady.

Love and Peace to all of you. Michelle

[daveydow1]

Gramma, Martha,

Thank you for your kind words. I believe we all get

some measure of strength from this site when no other

source can help, because everyone here knows, firsthand,

what it is like to lose a beloved child. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Claudia,

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, Joey's angel day,

and praying that you will find comfort & peace in

the love you always feel for your dear son.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[bbarbie55]

Claudia

Keeping you in my prayers on this special day. May our Lord Jesus walk with you tomorrow and pick you up when you need it. Remember footprints in the sand.

Deb

[mamabets]

For 4everjoeysmom~ God Bless You today and always, Claudia. This is an awfully long walk...Just know that you are never alone and that one day, this lifetime will have been a "blink" compared to the eternity that we will forever share with our angels~ xoxoxmamabets

[bokenhearted]

Claudia

Thinking of you on this day. I hope this day is not as bad for you as you may have thought it would be. I know for myself I find the days leading up to the day are worse for me than the day itself. I think that the anticipation of it all just wares us down. I hope that you found some lovely memories of your Joey that warmed your heart a little. Naturally there would be tears too but little steps is what we all need to take on these days.

You are not alone... we are here.

Jo

[momgran]

Dear Claudia,

My heart is with you today and I hope the growth and healing of the past year will help get you beyond that awful day you lost your dear Joey and give you hope for peace in the future without him here on earth. He is forever in your heart.

Love Peace and Patience to all the grieving hearts on here. Thank you for being there.

Debbie

[janeensmom]

Claudia, my heart breaks for you today. I hope you find comfort in the good memories until you see him again in heaven.

Hugs, Vikki

[daveydow1]

For Claudia,

My prayers are for you on your dear Joey's angel

day. May your memories of all the love and closeness

help you through the day, and bring you hope tomorrow

and always. Peace be with you, Claudia.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[shuugar]

Claudia;

For me, when the year had come and gone and all the firsts were behind me, the forever began. I guess I thought I would wake from this nightmare, but you know as I do we don"t.

Please know that if I could reach out and hug you I would.

God bless you and your family

[darrylsmom]

Dear Claudia, Just want you to know I am praying for you all on your son Joey's Angel day. Lord grant you stregenth to make it through this day. Prayers & Hugs to you all. Blessings Joyce

[4everjoeysmom]

To Everyone who prayed for me and my family and wished us well yesterday, THANK YOU.

I recently read a book where the mother who lost her son described how much her online grief community was connected to her and always there... and it is so true. It is here that i can come and ALWAYS find that I am never alone. So again, THANK YOU.

Shuugar, I think deep down I have been feeling what you spoke, that once the "firsts" are behind, forever begins. There will be many more "firsts" for me in terms of events that will happen for the first time since Joey has been gone--especially my going back to my hometown and the place where his ashes are scattered for the first time these-coming holidays since Joey died. But now that the 1-year date has come and gone, the grieving takes on a differemt shape and becomes the forever longing. It's still grieving, but just different...not less painful, just different...

I have a small box of things that belonged to Joey that I now treasure and visit when my heart so feels led. I opened the box yesterday morning and I retrieved his raspberry lipbalm, twisted off the cap and applied some to my lips. I blew Joey a gentle kiss and told him I love him. I then picked up a green plastic bottle of bubbles, went outside and sat on the steps at the base of my apartment, and I blew soap bubbles toward heaven. As I watched the radiant rainbow bubbles sail against the blue sky, I cried. I had no grand plans to mark the day, as I am in a location where everything related to Joey (besides me) is far from where I am. Except for my husband being here with me, there was no family, or visiting a resting place, seeing friends, or anything like that. So it was just me and the bubbles and the sky...and Joey...for just a little while... And after a while, the bubbles disappeared and the sky changed from blue to cloudy and nothing was the same except the constant longing that I carry for my Joey... That will always be the same.

[judy20]

Dear Guest ~ My heart goes out to you in the loss of your dear son, Tony.....your only child. I'm glad though that another Mom referred you to this site. I hope that by coming here to read or post will help to soften your grief a little. Lori was my only child, too and I lost her at the age of 34, a few years younger than your son. Be gentle with yourself and know that we will try to help you as best we can. This site has been a safe haven for me to share my feelings and I hope you will find some comfort and peace here also. Take care. Patty

[judy20]

Thank you Patty for your condolences. When did you loss you child? My nane is judy. I don,t know why I came up guest.I am in a bad way . I don,t know how I am going to live without him.I cry every day. He was my universe.I can,t find a reason to go on.

[gramma]

Dear Patty and Judy,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Tony, and daughter, Lori.

I lost my 36 yr. old darling daughter Vangie on Feb 4, 2006, after 4 yrs. of fighting with cancer.

As I wrote another grieving mom who lost her adult child, healing is sometimes like a slow inching along. Inches do become feet, and feet, yards, with understandable temporary setbacks....

Write any time... So many are walking this uphill path without their loving children anymore. Tho' my Vangie, and your Tony, Lori, and all the other beloved children mourned are on the other side of the veil now, they are beside you always for the rest of your earthly journey, nudging you gently with their love, hope and encouragement. They are so close, and can never be taken away again...

We're here for you too.....

[daveydow1]

Mhill49, Michelle,

I am sorry for your loss of your dear Nicole. I don't

have to tell you that these early days & months can be

so very sad and painful. I hope you come back to BI to

share your feelings of sorrow with all here who can

truly understand what you are going through. I believe

that it helps to know that others know how you feel on

this long rough road we all find ourselves on. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[momgran]

Claudia:

Just you 'n Joey! How perfect!

[momgran]

They say time heals. It's been nine months and nine days since I lost my 29 year old daughter Pippa and four year old grandson Kieran. It's been 31 years, 9 months, and 4 days since I lost my 7 week old son Andrew. Time has never taken away the void that their leaving has left in my soul.

I am a MOTHER! My job is to protect my children. Who, in the name of God, gave anyone the right to take them way from me.

My surviving son, Christopher, will celebrate his 34th birthday on Friday and his 7th wedding anniversary on Sunday. My precious firstborn son. All my hopes and dreams.

We have wonderful plans to celebrate his birthday, but I've been awake three nights in a row, breaking my heart, sobbing in sorrow....he misses his sister and nephew so! How many hearts have been broken by this.. One man...driving for three days in a big rig...and now I know he was drinking....destroyed my babies's lives. The pain is crippling....I try so hard to convince myself I did nothing to cause this tragedy..it's only now I'm beating on myself....OH GOD>>>>>THE PAIN!

Please pray for me!

My babies' website is pippaandkieran.com.

Love Peace and Patience to us all!

Debbie

[lwuest]

Momgram/Debbie,

I have no answer to your pain and I won't mention my losses, because right now it is just about YOU. I'm not sure where we get this feeling, but somehow we must get messages from society that we should be getting "better" after a few months. That is just crap! You lost two people who were central in your purpose for life. Cry, scream and yell. Tell those those people who say "time heals" that they would be more helpful by sharing a memory of Pippa and Kieran with you. If they only knew you, maybe they could ask you to share a story about your daughter and grandson.

Sometimes we have to educate the people around us so they know how to help. Anyway, just sending you hugs!

Linda

[gramma]

Dear Debbie-Momgram,

I am so so sorry for your losses...It is difficult to know what to say, even tho' I lost my baby Kristina, way back in "64", and my darling daughter at 36 in Feb. 2006.

I too, do not believe that the void inside can ever be filled, but since it has been painfully stretched opened so much more through the losses, it can more freely allow love to wash through in both directions, if and when we may be ready.

For me, even the "well-wishers" who have no clue how hellish losing a child is to go through, and are usually sticking their foot in their mouths, are trying to "help". They are easier to take than the ever angry, embittered self pity that may come out of a dear soul still stuck in past agony no matter how long ago. Sometimes it has seemed to me that I end up cheering them up, because the only other choice is depression, and a downward spiral that gets harder and harder to rise up out of.

I believe our children are encouraging and nudging us to continue and finish the life we are here to experience and learn from....How wonderful that they are beside us forever, and will someday welcome us home with open hearts and arms....They can never be taken away again...

Peace and well-being

Martha

[lorismom]

Dear Judy ~ I am so sorry for pain that you are feeling with the loss of your son, Tony. I remember only too well the gut wrenching pain I felt after losing Lori. I didn't think I could ever survive this kind of loss, but it has now been a little over three years. She died in a car accident on 5/3/04. It has been a long journey, but more and more I am able to focus on the good memories that I shared with her. I feel deeply blessed that she was my best friend in this life. I still miss her dearly and always will until I can be with her again. There is a lot of love and support here from people who truly know your pain and I hope you will stay with us. Love, Patty

[4everjoeysmom]

Debbie, I AM PRAYING FOR YOU!! Hold on tight, my dear friend. Though the moments of today are gut-wrenching, I have found the depairing feelings of being gut-wrenched come and go--THANK HEAVEN! The loss remains. This is true. But there are better days than today, days filled with a stronger sense of peace and a calmer spirit. It is the better days I soak up like a sponge, because somehow I know the light that shines from the better days will carry me through the dark ones as well.

My son Patrick, one year Joey's junior, also will be celebrating a birthday very soon, one week from Friday. It broke my heart to read what he posted on Joey's web site two days ago. He too misses so much. And I don't know whether sometimes I hurt more for him or myself, or if it collectively, knowing what we both miss, is what sends me also into that gut-wrench from time to time.

I can literally feel your pain and the sobbing in your soul. And though I cannot say anything to fix it, please know I indeed am lifting you in prayers. Hugs, Claudia

[momgran]

Dear Claudia, Linda and Martha. I cannot thank you enough for being there for me during one of my darkest hours. Your words are truly healing, and knowing they are coming from mothers who have also lost their precious gifts, their children, makes them so very genuine. I have been doing so well, managing to keep my equilibrium, my levity and sense of humor and coping well with my new job and life in general, then BOOM, the grief spirals and I'm back in Hades! I think it's taking all this time for the reality of our loss to sink in. It's when that realisation hits and the knowledge of what that loss means for my future that my heart breaks. I know that to honor my babies and to be a good example and source of strength for my son I want to heal and create a NEW reality for my life. I will always have my angels with me in spirit. I know when I lost Andrew all those years ago I thought I'd never be happy again but I was so I have to have faith that the work I'm doing will eventually pay off and I will be happy again.

This place we have here is definitely a 'healing garden'. The love and support is astounding and I realise now, more than ever, that there are times that this is the ONLY place for our aching hearts.

Love, Peace and Patience to all you dear hearts! My thoughts and prayers are with you constantly.

Debbie

[daveydow1]

Momgran/Debbie,

I am praying that somehow you can gain some strength

and comfort in this terrible time you are in. As you say,

the realization of your loss can hit like a tornado. We

have things in common--you and I. I also lost my baby girl,

Lisa, 37 yrs. ago, as you lost precious little Andrew. Then,

your dear daughter and little grandson, killed by a big

rig out of control. That is how my son, Davey died in June

of 2003. You are right---the pain & loss are overwhelming.

I have found that here at BI is the only place where I can

"talk" to people who truly understand, and have gotten so

much help here from all of our BI family. May you find some

measure of peace.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[bbarbie55]

I have my daughters picture for my desktop and when I looked at it this morning it made me realize that she didn't want to die she wanted a normal life. Cancer stole that from her. I wonder sometimes if my prenatal care had anything to do with her problems.

I've tried to work three jobs to get away from the pain but its still there it doesn't go away. I think about how she quit breathing on me at three months and wonder was that a sign. She has always had allergies or something wrong with her.

I just miss my baby so much. I don't like to watch TV anymore all I do is read and kind of space out. Nobody seems to care that I still hurt. I lost a part of my life and I'll never be the same.

Its true if you lose a spouse your a widow or widower, if you lose your parent your a orphan but if you lose your child your nothing. I can tell them one for that your devastated and lost.

I don't know why I feel like this today all it took was looking at her picture.

Deb

[judy20]

I,m not sure if I,m using this right. I want to reply and speak to all the moms.I need that connection. I hear everyone saying that are reinvesting in life,but the grief is always there.I can,t understand what motivates Moms,especially of only children ,to continue.I would love an answer to that..I feel like I have been given a life sentence,I don,t deserve.My son,Tony,s love was the best love of all and noone can fill that void.I don,t know if what,s left is enough. Judy

[judy20]

Hello again. I just wanted to say that I have been reading the post and I go to the profiles on each post to learn more about each mom.I noticed not many people have done their profiles.Please take the time,click on profile and put in your info,if you like you can read mine at judy20.