Loss of an Adult Child

[bbarbie55]

judy20

No one can take your childs place not another child,grandchild or a spouse there is nothing but faith that fills the void. Do I hurt yes I do. My daughter has been gone a little over three months now and it seems like yesterday. I have taken three jobs to try to ease the pain all it makes me is so very tired. My grandson who resembles his mother at that age doesn't ease the pain and my other daughter well she has had a bum deal losing her sister in April and their dad in June. I know this is a long road and I wonder if I will ever be able to enjoy life again I don't know. We all are learning this one day at a time and we will be here for one another.

Deb

[lwuest]

Momgran,

you mention sense of humor...it is so important, even if it is in a sarcastic manner. Since you mentioned humor I will share something with you. A very quick backgroud.....my only sister lost her grandson in a horrid accident in 2004. One month later we lost our cousin in another freaky accident. In June of 2006, my sister lost her son, the daddy of the her grandchild who died in 2004. Just this year, in February my only son died in a car accident.

In July, six of our family members went to the Compassionate Friends meeting in Oklahoma City to try to find some coping skills to deal with the loss of 4 young people in the last few years. A few hours after we arrived at the convention my daughter got a call that her son's appendix burst and his life was in danger. Good news...because we needed some...he is fine.

We can die or we can keep on going.....believe me sometimes I'm not sure what the best answer is. But, I loved it when my sister's boss asked her how her life was going and she kept the answer to herself. The answer would have been "Hey, it's a good week, nobody died"

[lorismom]

For Linda ~ I laughed when I read what your sister's response would have been to her boss - "Hey, it's a good week, nobody died"!. I, too, find that humor is very healing. My daughter and I were always laughing about something. And now, these special memories that I shared with Lori, come to me often. Thanks for your wonderful post. Patty

[judy20]

I am amazed at how together you sound after only 3 months. It,s been 8 months and I still feel like the walking dead. I wish I could find something to laugh about.I admire all you Moms and Dads who have found something to keep you going.

[gramma]

Dear Judy,

I'm so sorry for your huge loss. What could be worse than losing your only son Tony? And Deb, your daughter Bobbi. Yes, I felt that way, and still have those thoughts at times when I think I can't possibly go on, but do inch along.

For me, light hearted or comedies were about the only thing I could watch on TV for a long time. Even now I don't often watch heavy drama's, but try to laugh as much as I can.

I believe that humor attracts more light energies my way, and oh do I need them!

Today my dear daughter Vangie has been gone for 18 months. The 4'th is not an easy date, so I still cry and comfort myself, and my loss. Aches and pains pop up more.... Then I think how she is happy, full of energy and pain-free. It's us who carry the load on this plane.

I think your Tony is free of all limitations he must have had with heart disease..He surely understands how you feel too and sends lots of love and comfort.

I will carry the loss easier with the love and support of other moms who write here, and of course her heavenly sunshine streaming my way.....

[mikesmum]

Judy,

I read your post and as you suggested I checked your profile. My eldest son Micheal died Jan 18th 07. I know in my heart the Micheal’s death changed me for ever.

Nothing in my life is the same. I isolated myself from family friends and loved ones for such a long time.

Sometime after his death I saw the look of worry and heart break eyes of my other babies, Melissa and Steven. The tears in my grandbabies eyes when she couldn’t understand what was wrong with Grandma broke my heart.

I have tried to come to a place where I might continue to live for those who are left behind.

I honour his life and memory by making sure he is never forgotten. Making sure when we remember him we do so with love and laughter.

I view each day “above ground” a good day. (Slightly humorous to some, others find it an odd thing to say).

I still find myself gazing at a photograph or sitting alone with just a candle burning shedding my silent tears for the baby boy I will never see grow old. These are things that will always be mine. BI has helped me by letting me vent, cry, express and honour my son. In many ways it was given me the strength to get back up and re-enter a world without Micheal.

Blessed be to the mothers who grieve. The pain of birth pales into insignificance to that of the broken heart left behind when a child dies.

[judy20]

You are so blessed to have your other babies and grandbabies to live for. A future,a legacy,watching life grow and continue on. I am so happy for you. My future ended With Tony. He had no wife and no children. I feel that all I have left is more death of loved ones and my own. I am blessed with the memory that my son was" in full bloom" when he died. He had come to know and be happy with himself. I,m just stuck now knowing what purpose I have to go on. Love Judy

[judy20]

I think Tony knew he had A problem and he chose denial by not going for the blood test his dr. ordered. I choose to believe that ,if he went and found out the extent of his disease,he would have been hospitalized,had surgeries,had to limit his lifestyle and would have been ill and terrified and in the end died soon anyway,so I choose to feel bless that he died quickly ,of cartiac arrest.That said,I can,t accept life without him.

[bbarbie55]

My daughter had cancer she developed pneumonia I was there when her lips turned blue her last words to me were Mom its pneumonia and I'm scared she went into ccu the next day was intubated later vent four chest tubes a bunch of monitors and all kinds of IVs. All I remember is the last day was watching the blood run out the tubes and all I could think tomorrow there shutting off your vent fight back don't die I Need you.

You see you never forget or the pain that goes along with this but I have found my faith,medicene and work has helped me.

As for only child it does not matter because even with my other daughter I still found myself to grief stricken to help her. Now shes dealing with a dad and sister gone in less than two months. You just continue to live no matter what the world does not stop turning and life goes on. I hate that because she was my firstborn and I wish things were different but they aren't and I go on.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Judy, My heart aches for where you stand. And no words I can say can erase or minimize what you have gone through, or what is yet to come in terms of the grief journey. But I am glad you found us to journey with. As lonely as the road is, it seems less lonely having all of these parents here to travel with--though I wish none had to be here--many on varied levels and paths of the journey, but all to share a common thread. What is so comforting here is that no matter how light or dark any given day may be, we find here that we can speak whatever is on our hearts, and speak the names of our children, and talk about them as often and as much as we want to, and no one here tires of hearing about our babies. That to me is comforting above any words I can express. This is a retreat from having to be "careful" about making others uncomfotable with our mourning and grief. I wish so much that I could tell you something to make you feel better or comforted. But just know we are here for you, for each other. I am so sorry for your loss and all that you've sacrificed, and for your broken heart and weeping soul. I am sorry that life makes no sense as to why some live on and some go early. And I am sorry that life is so empty without Tony. In this I do know how you feel, as my life became so quietly still after Joey. I am learning to live again in a different way, but it isn't easy--the hardest road I have ever traveled. But I am glad to be able to come here when I need to. And I'm glad you made your way here too. Hugs, Claudia

[judy20]

Thank You.I find weekends especially bad,since that,s when we would spend time together.Is,nt it ironic,all our working years,we could,nt wait for the weedend and now I dread them. Judy

[bokenhearted]

Judy

I am so sorry for your loss of Tony. It is just over 27 months since I lost my son to suicide. He was my only son and I miss him terribly. I still have my lovely daughter thankfully. I do know what you mean about the weekends. I use to so look forward to them but not anymore. I also use to love having just time by myself but I hate that too now. I try to keep busy but it is all becoming more difficult to keep up the pace. My husband has just recently fallen in a heap as he too worked himself silly. He became very sick but thankfully is slowly coming back. I could see that his body just said enough!! I worry that I am heading this way too. At the moment I am having a rough time but I hope my spirits will lift again soon.

I am sorry for all of us here that are travelling this awful road. None of us deserved this and none of our children deserved to die. We just have to believe that they are still with us every step of the way until we meet again.

Keep coming here to talk... it does help.

Jo

[mattsdad]

Most of you probably don't remember me(mattsdad) or (maskott) my wife...We haven't posted for the better part of a year.

Coming here can sometimes be like hell for there are so many new people who are hurting. Only remember that you are not alone and that we all know and feel the pain that goes with losing a child.

Tonight into tomorrow morning marks the 2 year mark of losing our 24 year old son. He was a real good kid but he had so many problems(add,adhd,bi-polar, depression, alcoholism)-----need I go on? It doesn't detract from the feeling of loss that we still feel.

Unfortunately, Matthew od'd and our angel daughter Kristin(at the time she was 18) found Matthew dead on our den couch. We were in Virginia (we are from NJ) house hunting.

Five hours of driving hell getting back home to face the rest of our lives.

Kids can be so strong when necessary. I think if I had found Matthew I would have gone nuts, so would my wife.

If you can find time today or tomorrow to say a quick prayer for our family and for Matthew that would be so appreciated....

Hi mamabetts.... We will be together one day soon....

[judy20]

Dear Matts Dad,

I am praying for you. My Tony also battled with alcohol and drugs most of his life. The irony was that he had been clean for over 2 yrs.I believed I could stop worrying. He had done so much damage to his body ,over the years,hense the sudden death from heart disease. I,ve cried all day today.One of the crappier ones,of all the crappy others. None have been good. "they" say tath comes with time. Still waiting. Love Judy

[lorismom]

For Mattsdad ~ I do remember you and your wife, Betty Ann as I think I joined this forum around the same time or soon after. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers on your son's angel day. I will also light a candle for Matthew and hope that you will be blessed with some special memories to bring you some peace and comfort. Patty

[momgran]

Mattsdad, maskott and Kristin, My heart goes out to you tonight. I pray that this two year journey of pain has brought some peace and healing.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who've posted recently! My heart breaks...your words open my wounds and they bleed for you and with you. I can't imagine what it's like to lose an only child, I've lost 2 out of 3 and my only grandchild. I wonder if, no matter how many children have, when we lose one it changes our lives forever. I spent the day with my son's wife's family...beautiful people and the children were a joy to have around. I mentioned to my son's sister in law that it is very difficult to redefine myself, my purpose in life without my daughter and grandson and she said', You are a beautiful person who brings a lot of love and joy into our lives. You have a purpose in our lives.' This touched me very deeply and I'm so grateful to her for boosting my spirit. I thank you all for sharing. I need your thoughts and words to help me through this journey, too.

Love Peace and Patience to you all

Debbie

[tomsma]

I will think of you and yours today, mattsdad.

Although it will not likely lessen your pain, just the thought that you have survived to the 2 year mark gives me hope, since I am just past one year without my Tom, my 22 year old son who died at the wheel of his father's car last July. I also know the pain of losing a beautiful boy after years of helping him, watching him battle addiction, depression, learning disabilities etc. Often, in quiet moments, I ask some distant God or those around me, "what was it all for, can someone tell me that?" Well...I will just have to keep searching for the answer to that question. Meanwhile, in stronger moments, I read stories like yours, and pray that other families will be spared our hell. Again, thinking of you and Matt. Peace.

[namarella]

Mattsdad and Judy,

This story is all too familiar to me. We lost our smart, sensitive, confused son, Eric, just about 19 months ago (Jan. 14, 2006), a lifetime ago, to drug overdose. He, too, was just finding himself after a long journey of depression, bi-polar, alcohol and drug abuse; doing well in college and just getting his life together. There’s nothing that can prepare a parent for the depth of loss when your child dies; it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever “get over.” During the years we had so many close calls with Eric, the trips to the ER, endless counselors, rehab programs, interventions and tears. We were getting past all that, Eric was feeling hope for his future and we could finally breathe and live without constant worry.

I was thinking the other day how his death has changed everything for me (for my husband and I)...some friends have dropped off, I feel like a completely different person and while people will tell me I seem happy now, that sadness is always right there under the surface. I think people are almost afraid of someone who’s grieving the loss of their child, like it’s catching or we might burst into uncontrollable tears at any minute. So they tip-toe around us, reluctant to say our child’s name, to really talk to us about what we’re going through. When they see me smile or laugh, they assume I’m over it, I’ve moved on – and nothing could be further from the truth. Those who’ve been able to stay close to me - and I do realize how difficult that’s been for them - know the loss and sadness I deal with every day; and a few of them will mention Eric to me and I love them for that.

I think, somehow, we do find something to keep us going. Many days I’ve struggled to find something to live for...mostly it’s been my husband, who’s suffered along with me, but I sometimes think I’m also living for our son, to keep his memory alive, to honor him in our living. That’s not to say I haven’t had (and still have) some really dark times, but generally my reasons to go on involve other people. And certainly the folks here on BI give me hope that while we’ll never be the same, we can find meaningful life again.

Mattsdad, I’ll be thinking of your family and Matthew today, peace to you all.

Colleen, Eric’s mom

[daveydow1]

Mattsdad, & Mascot,

You are in my prayers today, your dear son Matt's angel

day, marking 2 yrs. I think we all have to step back

from BI now and then because of sorrow and raw emotions.

I hope with all my heart that your day can somehow be

peaceful. We will miss our children now and forever,

because the love never dies. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

One year and seven days ago I lost you Joey, and today I wish you from here to Heaven a happy 25th birthday. I miss you son. Ever with love, Mom.

Joey McConkey, August 7, 1982 - July 31, 2006

[momgran]

Claudia: I hope you managed to find some peace from your memories of past Birthdays celebrated with your dear Joey here on earth. He was present in your heart and soul to celebrate his 25th. I hope you and yours managed to get through that special day without too much pain. Take Care

Love Peace and Patience to all of my friends here at B.I.

Debbie

[mamabets]

For mattsdad and maskott~ Sending you love and hoping that days are starting to get a little bit brighter for all of you. I remember thinking once "There is this gaping, oozing, hole in what seems to be the center of my heart...I think that I feel something around it, beating still".

There was no longer anything left of me but this willingness to accept all that now was. This existence called "my life". In doing so, I was able to then participate in many things. When I say participate I mean in a new way. I certainly did not start running any marathons, and I have put alot of my care into the hands of those that know much more about the workings of the shocked heart/brain networking, particularly after something like this.

I believe that I have always accepted where and how Danny now is. HOWEVER, it has not made my "missing him" any easier. I honor and adore Danny, like always. I know where he is now, always. I know that his deep feelings are safe now. I see him in so many miracles, and he is at the center of that beat that keeps my heart going...I celebrate life with him still, just differently, and I wait for the day that I will see him again.

His passing began our eternity together. His passing was my first forever, forever...

Time takes time...I still weep daily. I will never be able to "cope" with what hurts. I am proud of that, and it has been earned. Living, then losing, at life make it what it is now, when it comes time to "coping" with the impossible...

I have just embraced that with his crossing over, came his new life...

Mine is still laced with pain, and it will always be. Life is painful, his is not.

I am the mother of a child who moved away from a life that I am living still. But this amazing child of mine lives on , and in many ways, he is more alive than he has ever been. All of our angels are.

These are my typical words of my wisdom. The core of who I am remains, and I have never known anything different than to try to help. I have inherited more of it from Danny...

MUCH LOVE ALWAYS!!

xoxoxoxomamabets

[maskott]

mamabets...thank you for sending your love. For those that don't know me, I lost my son Matthew 2 years ago August 7th. Two days ago, we endured his 2 year anniversary. I haven't been on this site for quite awhile and I wish I could explain why. I can't understand it myself. I used this site as a life support when Matthew died...now it hurts too much to read the pain that everyone is in. I wish I had magic words that could help, but I don't.

Betsy...you said everything that I always say to myself. I know Matthew is in a happier place and I can't be more thrilled for him. The pain comes from missing him so much. This is what I cannot seem to cure. Throughout the year, I try to control my grief as best I can, but Tuesday, I felt was a day to let this grief take over for just one day. It was my way of honoring Matthew. So, I cried many times during the day as I recalled his childhood in my mind. It was his day. Now I'm back to "living" my life as best I can. He's not forgotten (never will be) but I must try to continue my life, keeping him in my heart.

For those that are new...I am truly sorry. There is no magic way of getting rid of our pain. No time print on how long this will take. As Betsy said, it is our life now. No one else will understand how we feel. You take one day at a time...one step at a time...and hope you don't fall into that deep pit of despair while you are out in a crowd. You do what you need to do to get through this, no matter what others think. For me, I took a 2nd job just to keep myself busy. No one understood...often argued with me about this. It is what I need to do.

All I can say to all of you is...be good to yourself. Cry when you need to and remember them when you can. This is not an easy road.

My prayers and thoughts are with you all.

BettyAnn

[judy20]

I sometimes come and read. I find it comforting to read others expressing all the same thought and feeling that I feel. I feel like my life turned from color to black,white and gray. Tony was my way of seeing life in color. I,ll never see in color again. Love Judy

[daveydow1]

Judy20,

Your post sums it up perfectly for how I see things

anymore----black/white/& gray. It's hard to have any

enthusiasm for much---no color. I am so sorry for your

loss of dear Tony. May you somehow find some comfort

and serenity. Take care. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mamabets]

For All~ As maskott says, and it rings so true...One must do what they have to do- Cry if you must- Jump back into work, if you must- Stay in bed and curl up, until you feel like you can put your feet back on the ground, if you must. Quiet is always an area that seems to work for all of us from time to time, across this and any part of life...Quiet mind, quiet spirits...Restless minds, restless everything!!

"RESTLESS" is a steady state for a long, long time and then it comes knocking at our heart's door frequently....I have learned to compartmentalize many of these thoughts, more often than not, and feel for each and ever one of your restless , and oh so weary, souls.....

Whatever it takes for you to find that you have put some days, then months, then years together, go with your own flow, always. For me, personally, being under the care of a group of medical people that know me well, has saved my life. My friends here, and therfore now everywhere, along with a few family members, have helped me to want to live again. Those that have hurt me by making me feel as if I have some sort of plague are far removed from my life now, and it feels right. I can not imagine being close to , and taking up for, those that continue to lack in the compassion department, by choice.

Danny was, and still is, one of the most compassionate souls that ever walked this Earth. Better me, than he, when it comes to these feelings being hurt in our grief arena. As I had heard so many times prior to this fateful night..."Weed out the losers".

I pity, and help, those that try every day to change...

I have, and I watch my angel garden bloom something new each and every day. God Bless all of you, and know that you are never alone, and that the most sensitive and sincere people seem to be those that have suffered like we have. Sad, but true...At least, for now. I love you all, and my heart remains open, if ever you need to be understood. I know that if I need for you to understand me and my Danny Boy, you are here!! WE thank you!!!!

xoxoxomamabets

[Guest Guest]

Mattsdad and Judy,

This story is all too familiar to me. We lost our smart, sensitive, confused son, Eric, just about 19 months ago (Jan. 14, 2006), a lifetime ago, to drug overdose. He, too, was just finding himself after a long journey of depression, bi-polar, alcohol and drug abuse; doing well in college and just getting his life together. There’s nothing that can prepare a parent for the depth of loss when your child dies; it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever “get over.” During the years we had so many close calls with Eric, the trips to the ER, endless counselors, rehab programs, interventions and tears. We were getting past all that, Eric was feeling hope for his future and we could finally breathe and live without constant worry.

I was thinking the other day how his death has changed everything for me (for my husband and I)...some friends have dropped off, I feel like a completely different person and while people will tell me I seem happy now, that sadness is always right there under the surface. I think people are almost afraid of someone who’s grieving the loss of their child, like it’s catching or we might burst into uncontrollable tears at any minute. So they tip-toe around us, reluctant to say our child’s name, to really talk to us about what we’re going through. When they see me smile or laugh, they assume I’m over it, I’ve moved on – and nothing could be further from the truth. Those who’ve been able to stay close to me - and I do realize how difficult that’s been for them - know the loss and sadness I deal with every day; and a few of them will mention Eric to me and I love them for that.

I think, somehow, we do find something to keep us going. Many days I’ve struggled to find something to live for...mostly it’s been my husband, who’s suffered along with me, but I sometimes think I’m also living for our son, to keep his memory alive, to honor him in our living. That’s not to say I haven’t had (and still have) some really dark times, but generally my reasons to go on involve other people. And certainly the folks here on BI give me hope that while we’ll never be the same, we can find meaningful life again.

Mattsdad, I’ll be thinking of your family and Matthew today, peace to you all.

Colleen, Eric’s mom

[Guest Guest]

to Colleen, Eric's mom. I lost my son on Jan 14, 2006 to an overdose. would you share your story with me. Patricia

[judy20]

Colleen,We also had a lot of close calls.That is why I feel blessed to have had Tony 41 yrs and see him clean,sober and happy with himself. It does not however ,deminish my loneliness. I still find comfort in my option to go be with him.I am no good to my husband and find the future unappealing and senseless. I must remain here for some practical reasons ,right now. When my affairs are in order,who knows.Maybe this desire will pass and I will be shone a reason to go on,but sustaining Tony,s memory is not enough reason. Love Judy

[bretsmom]

Colleen,We also had a lot of close calls.That is why I feel blessed to have had Tony 41 yrs and see him clean,sober and happy with himself. It does not however ,deminish my loneliness. I still find comfort in my option to go be with him.I am no good to my husband and find the future unappealing and senseless. I must remain here for some practical reasons ,right now. When my affairs are in order,who knows.Maybe this desire will pass and I will be shone a reason to go on,but sustaining Tony,s memory is not enough reason. Love Judy

[gramma]

Dear Colleen,

I believe Eric is shining now, free from any addictions he had here on earth. I seem to see his eyes, clear and softly lit. His energy is gently and peacefully flowing out to you and others who love and miss him so.

Please forgive me for taking the liberty to write this way, but it wanted to come through more than "advice," or seemingly wise words and platitudes.

You are blessed that Eric is near to you. Even though he is no longer in his physical body he seems closer than ever, and will always help see you through your life and continue to help you develop your gifts, talents and potential. He's with you every step of the way, wants to dry your tears, and often give you angel hugs.....

Developing your potentials seems to be something he was always interested in, and encourages you more than ever....when and as you are ready......

Martha, Vangie's mom

[4everjoeysmom]

I've gotten through the one year mark and Joey's 25th birthday a week later. To all who sent well wishes, thoughts and prayers, I am very grateful. Thank you! I'm still here, and it still feels surreal. I shed a lot of tears. I am finding good days again, but there isn't one that goes by that I don't feel the emptiness and the missing--the longing for my son. It's hard to know what to say when others who experience this kind of loss can't find anything in life worth going on. It's hard myself to feel motivated so much of the time, but I try and sometimes succeed in baby steps. It's impossible to convince anyone going through this to hold on, it will get a little less sharp in time. We all experience it the same yet so differently all at once. I cling to my faith that tells me I have a purpose beyond being a mom, and that purpose keeps me going. But it's hard. I know the love never dies, and for that I am grateful, even though the love is why it hurts so much. I hate seeing so much suffering, and it makes me so sad to see so many more coming aboard here. I'm glad people are finding the support, but it's a tough reminder of how random and frequent this loss is. To all of you who hurt, I am so deeply sorry for your pain and loss. My prayers are with you all. Hugs, Claudia

[judy20]

This morning my sister came by and took me out . It felt like the right thing to do. We stopped at my aunts ,to see her new couch and then we went to the supermarket. Got a lot of good sales. When I got home I startrd to ball,so I took a drink and then another. My new motto is drunk or dead. The irony is I was the only sober one ,in a long line of alcoholic. I can,t do this sober. What do they say? whateverit takes to get you though.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Judy, I too come from a history of alcoholism, and I have my own addiction demons that have taken many years to overcome. I chose to respect the power that alcohol can have over a person, and it isn't a good power. I've learned that by drowning pain in alcohol, the pain numbs temporarily, but it comes back, always, and many times worsened by adding to it insurmountable depression--as if loss isn't depressing enough. I'm so sorry that your pain is so sharp that you feel alcohol is the answer. I am praying for you, because I know in losing my son Joey how devastating it is, and how much we just want to escape the pain and the madness. I wish I could say something to you that would shed a light into the darkness that surrounds you. It is a personal choice for each one of us how we respond to the death of our precious children, and that response is one we will carry not only here but for eternity. This is not an easy road. I had the feelings too that I just wanted to be with Joey. Being here was too much to bear, this pain. Every day and everywhere reminds me of an emptiness I will always carry in this life. But I also am able to see now that there is more for me to do here. I can't focus my whole life on establishing and growing Joey's memory here, because that wouldn't be enough either to carry on. But I want to add that task to my journey. My journey includes a husband who is my life partner. I made a commitment to love him and be with him, and to give up on my life would be to abandon him as well. He doesn't deserve that. Knowing how I feel after such a devastating loss, I would never want to willingly make someone else go through this torture by my own hand. That would be enough for me to believe I would not be allowed to rest eternally beyond this life. I believe that demon would be attached to me and there would be no redemption from it. My loved ones left behind would suffer for the rest of their lives because of me. It's one thing to suffer from loss by illness or accident. But when one deliberately takes their own life, the ones left behind suffer mercilessly and needlessly. I've read the suicide survivor threads, and they are enough to get a glinmpse of how much suffering and devastation follows the wake of one who takes their life. I wish I could say something to you that would have you see that you still have purpose here and something worth going on for. I don't know that anything said or done will ease or change your mind and heart. The burden you carry is deep. But it doesn't have to be so destructive to yourself and to your family that is here in this life with you. You can walk this journey, however painful it is, and there are so many of us walking this journey too that bring encouragement that it can be done. There is help out there for us when it is too overwhelming. But we have to want the help we need desperately. Personally, I have a hard time asking for help. But I encourage you to talk with someone that can help, a pastor, a counselor, a doctor, someone here, anyone. You don't have to carry on feeling so overwhelmed in despair. There is a HOPE for all of us. We just have to want to see it. Getting to the point of wanting it is a huge step to healing. I'm praying you can somehow, some way make that step to finding the Hope that allows us to carry on despite the pain. I am praying for you... Hugs, Claudia (joey's mom)

[4everjoeysmom]

Mamabets, You are a sweetheart! Thank you for your e-mail, your posts to Joey's memorial site, and all of the encouragement you always give to me and so many others here. I know you find many blessings in life through Danny, and that is an awesome encouragement for all of us. But Danny also was and IS very, very blessed to have you for his mom. You carry on in such a way that helps so many others, and I know he is profoundly honored and so proud of you for that. Thank you for your heart! Love and hugs, Claudia

[mamabets]

For 4everjoeysmom~ Oh, my dear, I am here for all, but do know that there have been so many times when I have just had to "shut down"... This is a terminally painful journey, and sneaking around each and every corner seems to be more of the same, so I just do what I can do, and expect no more from this heart of mine. I have been amazed over the past three years at the humbled souls I have met along my way. I meet so many that have Danny's qualities, and I always stop, take notice, close my eyes and remember a time when my life seemd to be all about my kids. My lead, their follow...This has changed everything, as I now follow Danny's lead. God Bless you, and know that you can email me at any time-

I remember reading Joey's site early on in your journey, and there was a post from a gentleman that lives in Huntersville, NC- That's where we live!! Do you live in Florida?? That's where we used to live, and where Danny did at the time of his acident...

One breath at a time, and deep breathe when you can remember to...

xoxoxxo

LOVE,

mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

mamabets, I used to live near Raleigh, but for the past year plus have been in south america doing missions work full time. I have an old friend I used to work with who lives in Huntersville. It's beautiful there. I love North carolina and miss it so. I am with you on doing what we can on this terminally painful journey...one step at a time. I have my shut down moments as well, and try to do as you, just be there for others who are hurting and in need. It's the only way I know how to go on. I've learned so much from Joey as well, and I continue to grow in lessons from him as I journey forward. It is humbling... God bless you. Love, Claudia

[judy20]

I don,t know what happened yesterday. the world just suddenly fell in on me.I am paying for it today.I feel lousy.I called my sister and she came back to my house and spent the rest of the day with me.We cried together. I feel so guilty having to give her so much of my pain. thank you for your support and understanding. I am trying,but sometimes,when I can,t find a why to go on,thats when I collapse. The memory of Tony seems like such a crappy substitute .Love Judy

[namarella]

Dear Patricia,

You mentioned you also lost your son on Jan. 14, 2006 due to an overdose and asked for my story. I’d be happy to share it with you..can you post your e-mail address?

And Judy, I hear what you are saying about the memory of your son not being enough of a reason to go on. I’ve often felt like that in the last 19 months since Eric died. Eight months after he died, at a moment when I really needed it, he came to me in a dream...quite unlike an ordinary dream, but a lucid dream, and I was able to talk with him, give him a hug, and ask him what he was up to (he replied that he was “traveling”). He asked if he could visit me sometime during the day, and I told him “yes!” Though I haven’t yet had that contact, we’ve connected up in my dreams a couple other times. One thing that comes through very strongly is that he’s continuing his life, while encouraging me to pursue my interests and not give up on life. Oh, as Martha said, he’s SO very with me now; he’s free and peaceful and doesn’t want me to worry about him (thank you for your insightful words, Martha). Whenever I’ve felt like giving myself over to endless grief and despair, I can feel him buoying me up. Some days I have to find small things that give me reason to go on...to see this flower, to hear that bird, to see this person smile...these are reason enough for me to be here today. There’s no roadmap for this journey we’re all on; we just stumble our way through it, hoping that it’s all “for” something. I appreciate what everyone here adds to help make that journey a bit easier (if only to know we're not alone!). Peace to all here, Colleen, Eric's mom

[gramma]

Dear Judy,

When I am down,

(1) one thing I do is reread the positive words offered here by so many moms going through what I have; the loss of a beloved child. So much experience and help is offered.

(2) Also, one night, before the easter class I was going to give, I began writing positive,(only positive) short affirmations to put in every egg to be given out the next day. When I was done, I was so refreshed and uplifted. Even tho' it was 2AM, I was charged.

(3) As you read other's words written here, or elsewhere, trust that the words and help that you need will jump out to you; you will "resonate" to them, and you will be lifted up. Perhap's the following time you read post's, someone elses words will speak directly to your needs and heart...

Thought is like that. It is alive, and carrys the message you need to read, or hear, at that particular moment in time. One teacher I loved to read called words, "living messengers."

much love and faith,

Gramma Martha, Vangie's mom

[judy20]

Thank you all again for caring enough about me to respond and try to give some solace. I,m desperate to "get" it. I read,go to TCF,come here,and pray for an aha! moment.I,ll keep trying.Love Judy

[bretsmom]

Dear Patricia,

You mentioned you also lost your son on Jan. 14, 2006 due to an overdose and asked for my story. I’d be happy to share it with you..can you post your e-mail address?

And Judy, I hear what you are saying about the memory of your son not being enough of a reason to go on. I’ve often felt like that in the last 19 months since Eric died. Eight months after he died, at a moment when I really needed it, he came to me in a dream...quite unlike an ordinary dream, but a lucid dream, and I was able to talk with him, give him a hug, and ask him what he was up to (he replied that he was “traveling”). He asked if he could visit me sometime during the day, and I told him “yes!” Though I haven’t yet had that contact, we’ve connected up in my dreams a couple other times. One thing that comes through very strongly is that he’s continuing his life, while encouraging me to pursue my interests and not give up on life. Oh, as Martha said, he’s SO very with me now; he’s free and peaceful and doesn’t want me to worry about him (thank you for your insightful words, Martha). Whenever I’ve felt like giving myself over to endless grief and despair, I can feel him buoying me up. Some days I have to find small things that give me reason to go on...to see this flower, to hear that bird, to see this person smile...these are reason enough for me to be here today. There’s no roadmap for this journey we’re all on; we just stumble our way through it, hoping that it’s all “for” something. I appreciate what everyone here adds to help make that journey a bit easier (if only to know we're not alone!). Peace to all here, Colleen, Eric's mom

[bretsmom]

Thanks Colleen. My e-mail is patriciarkaefer@yahoo.com I would love to hear your story. Just knowing we share this day is so interesting to me.

[momgran]

Dear Judy: Firstly, my heart goes out to you on the tragic loss of your precious only child, Tony. I've been reading all of your words recently, and those of the other Mom's who have shared so many wise and true thoughts. How wonderful it is to share on here. Every word uttered helps someone who is struggling with a similar emotion or choice in life on this difficult journey.

I, too, have sunk so deeply into that abyss that I felt there was nothing left for me to live for, despite the fact I have a wonderful son and daughter in law, fiancee, extended family, friends, my ex-husband and his wife and their extended family. But the bottom line is, we have to choose to live for ourselves. We have to make the decision that we have a reason to live, even if it's just to see one more sunrise. I've learned to allow myself to feel every ounce of the pain, no matter how excruciating it is, and to allow it to take me wherever the emotions go. I'm using my difficult moments to explore my own personal self esteem issues and my priorities in life. The only thing I have control over in my life is my 'attitude' in any given situation and as mamabets said, I make the effort to explore the positive in my life and to focus on that, once I've come out of the painful waves, and it's amazing how much beauty and good things there are out there beyond this awful veil of grief, if we look really hard for them. Also, as Claudia said, alcohol is such a temporary release and all it does is leave you more depressed. It lowers your resistance and makes you even more vulnerable to the 'demons' she refers to. God knows, we have enough demons to fight these days without inviting more!

I found this article which I shared with my ex husband a while ago and we both found it very helpful. My heart and my prayers are with you Judy as you journey along this treacherous road and I hope that you, and all of us on here, arrive at some point where we can find peace and joy in the memories of our darling children who gave us so much love and fulfillment. We cannot let them down now. We've come so far.

http://www.goodgriefresources.com/articles/article26.htm

Love Peace and Patience to you all!

Debbie

[gramma]

Dear Judy,

I am thinking about what you wrote about finding an "a-ha" moment in this so painful time of loss.

Sometimes words, written or spoken do give us just the amount of help to go on another step....there is not a once and for all word of wisdom or relief! I so wish that could be so, believe me.

Instead of seeing ahead--the whole picture--we may have to take it a step at a time. This helps us gather strength enough to receive the next bit of help or guidance, and so on all the way....It reminds me of lifting weights...We have to start with light ones, gather a little more strength, and slowly increase the weights as we develop, or in our cases, redevelop our strength, tolerance, endurance and confidence....Be sure to love yourself and the unique and priceless contribution to others that only you can make.

Oceans of love,

Gramma Martha

[daveydow1]

For Claudia,

I had a little trouble trying to get to Joey's memorial

page, but finally did. What a handsome young man. Creating

a memorial page is a good thing to do, I think. It helped

me also. You are in my prayers. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

Sherry, Thank you for visiting Joey. He was and remains my pride and joy, and making his memorial web site was very healing for me, my family and Joey's closest friends. You are so kind. Your prayers are so welcomed and appreciated. May God bless you for your precious heart. Hugs, Claudia

P.s. what is the url for Davey's site?

[mamabets]

For All~ I was told once by a very dear, wise therapist, long before Danny traveled to his "land of make believe come true", that one must "do what you have to do until you don't have to do it anymore". Those words stay with me still, as I often find myself, {like ten minutes ago} stuck in a moment where I don't know which way to turn. I feel as if I haven't talked to Danny in years- Know what?? I haven't... Then, the moment passes, and I become aware of how much I still "feel", how much of me is still "alive", and how Danny guides me right out of the "WHAT?????" He just does it differently, I still listen to him "the same"...By heart~

Be gentle with yourselves, and remember to let your sweet angels guide...HOW could all of us be connected here without our sweet angels being everywhere around us? I love all of you, and thank you for loving me~

xoxoxmamabets

[mamabets]

For 4everalwaysjoeysmom~ I happen to have Davey's link to his website here for you!!

http://david-georgedash1brownie2spot.memory-of.com

xoxoxxo

LOVE,

mamabets

[janeensmom]

Hi everyone...my precious daughter Janeen has been gone 1 year and 7 months today...I seriously don't know what is keeping me here on earth....I so long to hold her, smell her, laugh with her, stroke her hair and just be in her presence. Since her death we have become totally devestated! As time goes by it really doesn't get any better other than not crying 24 hours a day. I have to put on a phoney face out in the world when I actually want to scream "don't you know my daughter is dead!!!!!!" I find it very hard to relate to people who have not been through this experience. I feel so deeply for all of you who have come to this site but thank God it is here! I read your posts almost everyday but find it hard to post myself. Sometimes I have to just crawl into bed and sleep my day away. I tried going back to work, I work with special young adults, but found that I just don't have the capacity to get so involved in their lives anymore. I just don't have it to give. Maybe someday but now her death is still an awfully hard cross to bear. I wish I could bring all of our babies back...I see no good in any of this nightmare. I wish you all sweet memories and I hope you can feel them around you.

Many hugs, Vikki