Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Michelle: I read your post the other day, and wanted to offer my prayers for you, but when I finished my post, I just couldn't write any more that night. I do, though want to let you know that I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I pray you will find peace in the memories of your life with her, a peace that will bring you rest and warmth to your heart, without the inevitable following of tears whenever the memories run through your mind. I am so glad you found this site...it truly is a haven, where we can say whatever we are feeling, and not think we are getting "the look" or the "sigh" or the sense that our talking of our loss is not something anyone wants to hear. Everyone here knows how the other is feeling...we have all been there, and continue to be there, on the other side of a very broken heart. But, as time goes on, we will know some peace, I am told, and I do see some evidences of it now and then.

Mikesmum, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this extra baloney. I know that the garden will bring warmth to all who visit. I plan on putting a bench out for our son, but haven't done the details yet. I wish you love and peace in your garden, and many hours with memories of you son.

DEB: I will keep you in my prayers, that your husband will stabilize, and God bless you for the strength you have shown with this trial you have been going through all these years, and now dealing with your loss....we all send you strength and prayers.

Claudia, you are in my heart and prayers always, also.

love and peace to all of you,

Carol MIKESMOMRS

[mikesmomrs]

To all: I came across this the other day and at first I didn't like it, because I am still in the first part of each sentence, and I know that I must eventually work my way to the latter part of each sentence, but I am not ready yet. When I first read it, I was not open to it, because I do look back, and I do feel empty, but when I read the very last line, it reminded me that this was a promise I made to my son, a promise he asked me to keep "Please, mom, don't stop living because I die and leave here. I will still be with you, always." He knows that it is going to take time, lots of time, before I can truly be living again, and I will always have the huge hole in my heart that his not being here physically has left, and the pain will always be with me, I know that I will never not shed tears, I will never not have an empty heart, I will never not remember him and be reminded that he is gone,

but with his love and his memories urging me on, I truly hope to one day "...do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

"You can shed tears that he is gone, Or you can smile because he lived, You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back, Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him; Or you can be full of the love that you shared, You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone, Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on, You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

author...David Harkins

love to all, mikesmomrs

[momgran]

Hello friends: I haven't posted since before Mother's Day and I suppose that once I got over the trauma of that day I've been slowly 'recovering'. I had a very pleasant day with my son and his wife and my fiance's parents and one of my daughter's friends called to give me a 'hug' and some loving in my daughter's absence. So very sweet of her. Having good days, feeling more 'normal' and longer periods without that deep longing and sadness. Today it is 7 months since my daughter and grandson died in that horrible accident. I find the oddest thoughts hit me out of the blue and I believe they are all part of arriving at the 'acceptance' part of the grief journey. Like it suddenly struck me that I will never have a 'recent' photo of them...or create any new memories with them...that I'll never again add a new greeting card from them to my box of treasures....that I'll never see my daughter's name pop up on Messenger or receive another excited email about her day's experiences and stories of my grandson's progress. I know these thoughts have occurred to me many times over the past 7 months, but somehow, they are more 'real' now. They make sense...and I just have to accept it as fact, as reality, and move on and create memories with my living loved ones. I feel that I'm not fighting it so much these days and that I'm not focusing so much on their deaths but on their lives and the legacy they have left us. The pain is still there....will always be there..and the moments of disbelief still surface...but less often. I have read over my emails to trusted family and friends and I can see how I've progressed because the words I wrote in the early days were heartwrenching! I wonder sometimes how we can survive a blow to our hearts and psyches of this magnitude...but faith and hope and our loved ones see us through.

Michelle: My heart ached when I read about the tragic loss of your precious daughter. How I wish we didn't have to see 'new' names on here but it's good to know that you have come here to open your heart and share with us. I can believe that the images of the way she ended your life will haunt you for some time, because I think back and wonder how my babies felt at the end and the only thing that gives me comfort is the knowledge that they are now at peace, and imaging what they went through is living in a horrible past that is done and over with and can only cause more distress. I know, from previous losses (I lost my second son to SIDS) that in time, only the happy memories survive, Thank God! We have so much to deal with, getting from moment to moment, in the early days. I pray that you and your family find the strength to deal with your loss.

I wish you all serenity in the days to come, and the ability to live in the glow of your angels' light.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[bbarbie55]

I want to thank you all for listening to me. I know that you know what I'm going through. As I'm typing the tears are flowing. You see my daughter will be gone a month on the 24th and I'm hurting real bad. Nobody around me knows how I feel because they have never lost a child and I don't care how old they are they are still your baby. If I'm so upset now how will I be in a month on her birthday June 24th. Its not fair she was my birthday present 26 years ago. Its hitting me more all the time she is really gone, she didn't see her five year old graduate from preschooland she will not see go to kindergarten for the first time. I hurt so bad I want to see her one last time and tell her how much I love her but I can't because she couldn't fight the cancers,pneumonia and infections. I wish she didn't think she was super woman and could take on a little cold and not see the doctor. I tried to get her to go to her doctor but she wouldn't so she lost. Why don't children listen to the parents if she had she might still be with me and her little boy. I know I couldn't do anything but I wish I could have.

Deb

[namarella]

I haven’t posted in awhile, though I read almost every day and so many of your stories and experiences so closely reflect my own. I survived my second Mother’s Day without Eric, remembering that two years ago he’d bought me a tray of herbs for Mother’s Day. I can’t look at those herbs now without smiling and thinking of him, how much he loved every growing thing. With my daughter, her husband and 16-month old grandson now living in Eastern Europe, this was a tough Mother’s Day without either of my children with me. She won’t talk about her brother with us (and I so need to be able to talk about and remember him - do we ever “get over” that need?), and I know she is probably grieving in her own way, but her avoidance is making us feel very isolated. My husband and I can talk to only a few friends/family about Eric, so coming to BI where other parents can come to honor their children with tears and good memories is a healing thing for me, helping me remember we’re not really alone.

When Eric first died, a good friend who’d lost her dad tragically when she was a teenager, told me that the tendency is to define our loved ones by their death, to go over and over the moment of death; but what eventually happens is that aspect fades and we come to celebrate their lives, what they taught us, how incredibly precious they are to us. Initially, I relived Eric’s last moments again and again, trying to figure out what could have happened that night (he died from a drug interaction only 3 feet from one of his friends), trying to rewrite the script with a better ending (his friend waking and calling 911!), doing the “if only, if only” again and again. I find, after 16 months, that I revisit that night less often and can embrace and forgive those friends who so failed him and evidently didn’t know any better. There are still overwhelming moments of pain and just missing my best friend, this person who could have offered so much in life. My husband and I both had dreams about Eric this past week - I love those small “visits” and know he’s trying to enfold and encourage us.

I find so much hope here, we don’t have to go through this alone. Peace to you all, Colleen, Eric’s mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Bbarbie55, I know that ache so well, as does everyone here. It's normal to wish there is something--anything we could have done to change the outcome, just like Eric's Mom Colleen just mentioned too. It's so raw and new for you, and time is the only factor that seperates us from our kids and can also bring some healing while we journey. But oh how hard it is to travel this time in our deepst and earliest grief. To have that compounded with additional worries as you have, it just isn't fair. I'm praying for you through this very, very tough time.

Colleen, I know some beautiful kids here in Ecuador that will never, ever forget Eric. His legacy WILL continue through his love for all life and the way you and your husband continue to share and spread that love. We have some visitors here over the next couple of months, but will be working closely with Remar with our mid-June team and I just can't wait to spend more time working with these kids. I pray through the coming months the photos and stories I will share personally with you will find you feeling uplifting encouragement and knowing Eric IS so very pleased with the ways his life and legacy are being honored. Blessings to you. -Claudia

[momgran]

Deb: I read your post last night and your pain was so intense I was at a loss for words. I know that 'storm' in your heart and soul can be so intense in the early days....all the 'why's' and 'what ifs'..and all you can do is vent. But venting is so very important because once the emotions are put out there you can then deal with them, until the next wave. I hope you're having a better day today, my Dear. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you deal with your terrible loss and the challenging issues with your husband.

Colleen: I can really understand what your friend said about defining our children by their deaths. We have little choice in the early days and months as that horrible reality is all we are aware of, but I do believe I am starting on the healing journey and can 'celebrate' their lives more. It all takes time, doesn't it. We have to have faith and hope that life will, in time, take on a new meaning and that we can truly live again with our babies close to our hearts. I think I am starting to understand the 'futility' of wondering what the future would have held for them if they had lived, because they will have no future on this earth, but we do. Even if it's only another hour, or day, or month or 30 years! I couldn't bear to think of the future a short while ago, but with my upcoming wedding and the thought that my son and daughter-in-law may have children one day and all the other 'good' things life can offer, I'm slowly but surely allowing my thoughts to enter into thoughts of the future, and learning to live in the present moment. I have read that a tragedy such as this can actually teach us some valuable lessons and in time, our lives can be better lived than before. I am starting to understand that because I don't sweat the small stuff anymore, my priorities are changing dramatically and I'm taking life as it comes. Sorry for rambling! But thanks for listening.

Love Peace and Patience to all you dear hearts.

Debbie

[bbarbie55]

I feel bad when I got jealous of people in the ccu unit that got to go home with their loved one and I didn't. I get angry now when I see a parent take their child for granted. I feel real bad because my other daughter and I aren't that close. Today I was proud of myself because my heartless sister threw one fit to many and I delivered my papers by myself and did it faster than when she was with me. Are these bad days and ignorant relatives ever going to end. You know it is a relief she is gone so my life is no longer on hold but I miss my baby. I found a lady from my church and she has lost three husbands and two stepchildren, and I talk and she listens. I wish my sister was so cold but she really only cares about herself. My daughter use to cart her butt all over creation and asked for no gas money she was an angel. I guess My days have to get better. Tomorrow she will be gone a month so I'll be back to cry and post my heartaches. Thanks to all of you you are helping me keep me in your prayers and I will keep you in mine.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Bbarbie55, In reading your post it reminded me that in my first months I too felt very strongly towards people who took children for granted. I still do, but it doesn't twist me up into a ball of amotional flames like it did early on. I rememebr feeling so hypersensitive about many, many things. I'm glad you were able to deliver your papers solo and quickly. Try not to let your sister get to you. Life's too short to focus on the sour-pusses that like to bombard their self-centered selves into everyone's lives like no one else has issues, you know? God's grace is sufficient for us, especially when others around us can't give or even recognize grace themselves. And I'm very glad to hear you have an understanding woman in your church that can just listen. That is such a wonderful gift. We're here for you, and you are definitely in my prayers. Hugs, Claudia

[momgran]

Deb: Everything Claudia said is so very true and I, and I'm sure all of us on here, can identify with a lot of the emotions you're feeling at the moment. One of the things that made me think I was going crazy was that I felt 'resentment' when I saw mothers and daughters walking arm in arm, young moms playing with their toddlers, Grandmas enjoying their little grandchildren and as I've always been a person who got the greatest joy out of seeing people happy together and felt this is what life should be all about, these feelings left me with the most awful guilt. But in time I realised I didn't resent other people's happiness, just the fact that I would never have these experiences again with my daughter and grandson. WHY ME??!!! And the supersensitivity to people ignoring or mistreating their children is astounding! I've almost been tempted on occasions to 'snatch' the child away from the parent and take him/her home to love and cherish. When I had those feeling, I could almost understand how young Moms who've lost children can resort to that criminal behaviour when they are out of their minds with grief. The sad thing there is their lives become even more of a nightmare than it was before and had they gotten the help and support they needed, their lives could have taken a better turn, in time. It's all about acknowleding these awful feelings, communicating them and getting the support we need. Also, we do need to 'avoid' negative people, those who suck the life out of us and are unable to just be there for us. Our radars seem to be able to spot the people we know won't put too many demands on us during these difficult times. You're being strong, Deb, in that you're going through the motions and trying your best to continue with your responsibilites. Thank goodness for your friend at church.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[bbarbie55]

Today at 1:05pm my daughter has been gone thirty days. I don't understand why its not hitting me as hard as yesterday. I think I know why she couldn't talk to me a month ago, but ayear ago yesterday she was going through a stem cell transplant and we talked then. I am starting to realize she is really gone but it still hurts to talk about her sometimes. I find myself sometimes trying to help other people understand her death. She has beautiful little boy who has some of his mothers features in his face. As for my sister I know she has some major issues and I'm not the one to carry her. She needs to get a job and support her two children instead of living on her sons dads survivor benefits and her daughters child support. I know I have a long journey but I have bunch of friends in cyber space to listen to me. I feel better today and my husband even helped me on my route today(it was pouring). Since I'm no longer giving to my sisters demands my marriage is more at peace. I'm more at peace now but I know I will have bad days. I wish my mom was still alive to talk to, but I have all of you. I can't say thank you enough to all of you and God bless you all.

Deb

[bbarbie55]

Claudia

Thank you for words at the right time I really believe you are Gods special angel. I have read your posts on other threads and I pray I can be like you some day.

I know my daughter is in heaven and I know I will see her again some day and that she was just mine for a little while,and I gave her back even though I wanted her here with me.

As for my sister I'm not going to spend my life bowing down to her and I'm not going to feel like I have to take care of her anymore.

On a great note I went and seen the third pirates movie and didn't cry.(Bobbi was looking forward to it). My daughter was a big Johnny Depp fan and just loved the pirates of the caribbean movies.

I love you all and I know by Gods grace I,ll make it. Pray for me.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Deb, I am praying for you. You're a gift to me as well, and I believe the Lord will use you in time in a powerful way to reach other hurting mothers. For now I pray you can find rest and comfort in Him. He will guide you through these valleys, and in Him I know you will see the mountain peaks again. Much love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Today, just 20 minutes ago as I post this, my dear son Joey has been gine 10 months. It has been a painful yet powerful journey these past ten months, and I just want to say thanks to all of you who have shared kind words, compassiona and love with me through this time. I miss you Joey. In the past three days we have ministered and shared the Gospel of the precious gift in Jesus to 470 people who have prayed to receive Him as Lord and Savior. I want you to know that your story has touched the hearts of many and your legacy lives on not just for this world but for the Kingdom. I'm so proud to be your mom. This afternoon a bus went off a bridge and plummeted into a river on the path of our journey. So far 7 people have lost their lives and 38 more have been injured. At least two that died were people that we ministered to in the past two days. We are so grateful in knowing that they are now with you in Heaven. Your story is making a difference, Son. And I just wanted to share that. Michael helped the emergency responders transport people to the hospital where he ministered and prayed for the injured and dying. His and my heart hurt for the families that have lost precious ones... You just never know when the call will come. Thank you for being an inspiration to me to keep following the path that God is paving for me to reach so many people. I love you, and I can't wait to rejoice with you one day for all eternity. Love always, Mom.

[mikesmum]

We are coming into Mikes birthday. Monday 4th June he would have been 32. I still have trouble with the concept that he 'would have been'. Family are gathering late afternoon on Sunday. My husband is working. My youngest son wants to be with me on Monday. Wants to be sure I don't fall apart, that I am okay on the day. I love that he has matured and now takes the role of protector, I hate that Mike's death is the reason.

My daughter rang to let me know my granddaughter (8) wrote to Mike. She writes to the fairies in the garden (I work as a communicator for her, writing letters back to her for the fairies, its a grandma thing). In her letter she wanted to know if it hurt when he died. If he was happier where he was. Could he see and hear her still even though he was dead. It was so hearfelt and innocent. My daughter cried as she read it and asked what she should tell her. My heart ached. This little brown eyed girl was the apple of her Uncle Mikes eye. (till he had his own, but he never left Emily out). My daughter told her that he died in his sleep, which was peaceful and painfree. She said Emily could still talk to him cause that's what grandma does. Emily studies me closely now on our day trips and sleepovers, another one taking charge of overseeing Grandma's well being.

Claudia - To those who have been lost in the tragedy you spoke of, may they find solace in the strength of faith that has been of great comfort to you all in the 10 months since the loss of your Joey. Thoughts are with you now and always...Blessed be to..Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, I'll be thinking of you and praying for you through the coming celebration of Mike's 32nd birthday. I know it's so hard to think of celebration when our hearts ache so much for not having them here. Your granddaughter is so precious. Reading your post reminds me of the movie Finding Neverland, which I found absolutely adorable and healing. Thank you for visiting Joey's memorial site. I hope and pray that by sharing the joy in my life because Joey was here will help you and other mothers feel the warmth and light that surrounds us...the light of the love that binds us eternally to our children. What a precious gift they are. And just because they are not here with us does not mean that the celebrations must end. Our children gone before us brought something unique to this world and our lives that will forever be worth celebrating. May the peace and comfort of Light and Love be yours on this day, Mike's Day and every day. Hugs, Claudia

[mhill49]

Hi Everyone,

I have been reading all the posts since I first made mine on May 20th. We all are experiencing the same pain, some at different stages. My heart goes out to you all and you are in my prayers too.

My Nicole has been gone for 7 months on May 30th. It still sounds so unbelievable to write that. There are still days I don\'t believe this has really happened. Her birthday is July 11th. That will be a tough time. My husband and I are going to have a party for Nicole\'s friends on July 7th. There are many of them that want to see us. So, we decided to do this to celebrate Nicole\'s life with her friend\'s. We have a nice pool tokeep us cool.

Janeensmom, Thank you for your response. I never thought I would actually hear from someone who also had a disabled child. I am glad to hear she had gotten married. Nicole was engaged to be married next July. Her fiance, Jack is disabled also. He is having such a hard time with this loss. They were together for six years. They had met at a special school, Massachusetts Hospital School located in Canton, MA.

I wish Nicole had gotten to experience getting married and she wanted to adopt a child. I grieve the fact that i won\'t get to see her experience that. I do have so many good memories of my Nicole She has taught me many good things. To believe in myself, to not stress out over small things and many more. I am getting a little tired so I think I\'ll write more tomorrow.

I just wanted to thank you all for all the support. I know this is going to help a lot. God bless, Michelle

[mikesmum]

Claudia

Thank you for your kind thoughts. We are celebrating Mikes birthday today (Sunday) with a family gathering. We all talked about it and decided mourning our loss has been and gone, we now focus on celebrating the life we shared with Mike and the love we still have as a family that no one or nothing can take away.

It is 8 degrees (metric) here but there is plenty of warm food, memories and hugs to keep us warm.

The memorial to you son was so powerful. I think about putting together the same type of thing for Micheal. It allows a true picture of their lives, when it seems in the past months we have done not alot but focus on his death.

Light, love and energy to you and yours. Blessed be...Trudi and hers

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, Thank you as well for your sweet words and thoughts. I mourned so heavily for about 4 months and that's the when I decided to create Joey's website. The best way to honor our children, I believe with my whole heart, is to celebrate that they were here and that their presence profoundly impacted this world and us. As sad as we are without them here, it is a great joy to cherish them and allow their love to continue on through us while we continue to impact the world for them. That's what helps me through this best--honoring the gift I have in Joey. I'm so glad your celebration for Mike went beautifully. How wonderful a blessing that is. Here's to Mike and Joey, and all of our babies gone b4 us. May their lights continue to shine!! Hugs, Claudia

[momgran]

Trudi: My thoughts and prayers are with you today as you celebrate Mike's 32nd Birthday. I hope your gathering yesterday prompted fond memories and that you were able to find some joy and peace despite your awful pain.

My daughter, Pippa's 30th Birthday is on June 17 and it astounds me, that although I knew that this period of time leading up to this very important occasion would induce renewed pain, I am again surprised at just how agonizing these milestones can be. My grandson, Kieran's birthday was March 23 and it took me a week to recover from that. My daughter's friends will be joining us and offering their love and support on her day. I'm very grateful for them, wonderful young people, just like my daughter!

My daughter and grandson have been gone 7 months and 13 days. Victor Frankl had stated in his book about the horrific life in the death camps that something that fascinated him was that the torturous days seemed endlessly long, but the weeks and months and years just flew by. I'm experiencing that phenomenon myself! I've been pondering how we use the expression, 'would have been 30', and I think, well, she was born on that day 30 years ago so it's STILL her birthday....not would have been...but I suppose as she died at 29, she won't ever be '30' so that's where we draw the line. When I created her last birthday card I'd added the little quote' The best 10 years of a woman's life is between the ages of 29 and 30.' That precious daughter of mine only lasted 4 months after that!

I hope everyone on here is moving forward, moment by moment, and learning to 'come to terms' with the tragic loss of your darling children. I read this article today and passed it on to Pippa's father. We both found it very helpful.

http://www.goodgriefresources.com/articles/article26.htm

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[mikesmum]

Thank you all for your compassionate words of encouragement.

The peace and positives of Micheal’s birthday were shattered by the news that his partner Amanda was Marrying Micheal on Monday 4 June. Invitations were sent, rings had been made. A small congregation of her family and friends were to gather at a secret location. Micheal’s ashes would be scattered at the end of the Marriage Service. None of Micheal’s friends or family were invited to attend.

The devastation and raw emotions flooded the room. Steven, Micheal’s young brother sobbed uncontrollably. Melissa his sister sat with her daughter Emily, silent tears streaming down their faces. . My heart ached, my head pounded. It was day one all over again for all of us.

On the morning of Micheal’s birthday we spoke with a local news crew about the loss of Micheal and the impact of his loss on his family and friends.

The inability to find closure, to more forward through the grieving process all made more difficult by the events of June 4.

The crew attended the Wedding. It was not a simple symbolic gesture, rather a full medieval ceremony. The Bridal party were outfitted in bridal dress. Rings were blessed and worn by the bride. Names were changed by order of the Marriage Celebrant. The brides parents in full garb proud of their daughter. The interviewer asked Amanda how it felt to marry and become a widow on the birthday of her dead fiancé. She replied with a smile it was great, it was something Micheal would have wanted. When asked about omitting Micheal’s family from the Ceremony and the scattering of his ashes she said, they had their funeral now we get to do what we want.

I struggle each day to believe we all grieve in our own way and that she too has lost. But this is the last straw. The lack of love for my son when he was alive was there for the world to see. Micheal had cancelled a wedding being planned for 2007 before his death saying he felt they needed to work on their relationship to ensure a solid future.

I look to the elements Earth Wind Fire and Water to show me strength, replenish my energy so that I may one day be able to return to my true self. I ask for the protection of those that remain, Melissa and Steven, so that they may live a full and rewarding life.

Blessed be to those who write, listen and hear the breaking of a heart, a spirit and a soul so that they may find their own strengths to continue in their lives.

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh Trudi, What a horrible thing for Amanda to do to your family! I don't think it takes a genuis to realize she is very emotionally disturbed. In my wildest dreams I couldn't have dreamed up such drama. Unfortunately instead of the professional help she need sthrough counseling, her friends and family are enabling the psychosis. I'm sure it's not even her drama that is so upseting, but the issue of being greedy and deviant with Michael's ashes. I don't really know what to say in terms of providing comfort regarding that, except that Mike is no longer a part of any of that, not even the ashes. They are dead and returned to the earth, but Mike's spirit is alive and free, and far removed from what is happening with all of that. Thank God for that! I'm just so sorry that she has traumatized you and your family's grieving process even further. You know from what you said what Mike's true desire was--to wait and work on things. The show yesterday was a display of nothing he would have condoned and everything wierd and whacky about what she represents. I pray that you can find peace in knowing that she does not nor cold never have the power to control Michael's whereabouts, even if she did have the ashes. I know ashes are precious to us that have lost loved ones and that is what remains for us to have a proper ceremony. But please know that the ceremonies and rituals we do after a person dies are solely for us. That person has gone on to greener pastures, and we WILL meet up with them again beyond this life here. No amount of kookiness or inability to have his ashes now will change that. Ugh...I just can't even believe the atrosity of what you've shared. I'm so very sorry for your family, Trudi. You certainly deserve respect as Mike's family, but consider the inability of someone like Amanda to even function rationally enough to understand respect. She behaves worse than junior high. I'll pray for her too, because she needs serious help and it doesn't look like anyone cares enough about her in her own family to try and get here there. Maybe they're just as nuts. I hate to be judgmental like that, but what happened is very far removed from rational. Trudi, I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Try to hold onto what you know of Mike and not what someone else is trying to present. Hold onto the fact that he loves his mummy very, very much, and his siblings too. I'm certain he would affirm that in his way if possible. Blessings and BIG HUGS, Claudia

[bbarbie55]

mikesmum

I'm so sorry for loss as if was all over again. Keep in mind that she made a fool of herself and really didn't do anything but seem to be very immature. You know it should not matter what goes on you know in your heart that your dear son loved you and your family. I also agree with Claudia that young woman needs some serious help and I hope she gets it.

There shouldn't be two sides and she seems to want it that way. Just remember you are his mom and always will be and she is nothing really.

So keep your chin up and think of good times you have more memories and don't let those go.

I'm praying for you and your family

Deb

[darrylsmom]

Hi All, This is Joyce Darryls mom. I haven't posted for awhile, but I read everyday. Trudi I am so sorry for you and your family. Someday she will be sorry she treated his family so bad. But just you remember she can never take your memories of your beautiful baby boy Michael away from you. And know he is around you & he sees what is going on. Claudia, you always say the most caring words and people can tell you really are a thoughtful person. You helped me so much with my grieving. Now I have more sorrow. My mom who is 93 y/o was just told she has Melanoma Cancer in her right lung. There is nothing they can do for her. She lives w/ me & my husband. Please pray for her that she doesn't suffer. God bless you all & know you are in my prayers. Love Darrylsmom.

[4everjoeysmom]

Joyce, I will most certainly pray for God's mercy and grace on your dear mama. At 93 years and all she's probably had to put up with in life, she sure doesn't deserve this. Let's pray the Lord will keep her from pain and suffering, and when it is her time she peacefully drifts into sleep and off into God's loving arms. I am so sorry for this new sorrow in your life Joyce. I'm praying for you too. BIG HUGS, Claudia

[mhill49]

Trudi,.........I am so sorry to hear that your son's partner is so mentally unstable! Just remember, YOUR SON, is around you and your family,not her. He will be with the people who really love him dearly. That is you, your son and your daughter. Feel his presence and watch for signs. My daughter Nicole is around me all the time. I feel her presence. It is difficult to describe. But I know when she is around me.

I send you my love and prayers. Be at peace knowing that.

Bless you and your family, Michelle

[momgran]

Dear Trudi: I cannot add much more than has already been said about the abysmal treatment you and your family have endured from this young woman! It is horrifying to think another human being could be so heartless in the face of such a devastating loss. But it's pretty obvious to us all that this young woman needs help desperately and it doesn't appear that her family are acknowedging this, they're simply 'enabling' her.

You carried Michael under your heart for nine months, brought him into the world loved and nurtured him every day of his short life on this planet....noone can take that from you. His being is in the wind, the water, the earth and the stars and in your heart forever. God, forgive them for they know not what they do!

Love Peace and Patience to you and your family, Trudi

Debbie

[4everjoeysmom]

God, forgive them for they know not what they do!

AMEN to THAT!!

[namarella]

I can’t add much to what’s already been said here, Trudi, except to share that my heart’s also hurting at what you’ve endured. Something I’ve found is that when grief is blocked or circumvented, people can suffer other emotional damage, which can come out in odd ways. Perhaps Amanda’s family felt they were helping her deal with her grief in this “ceremony,” but I fear that them going along with it only perpetuated Amanda’s distorted perception. I agree with others that this gal needs help and needs it now.

Micheal’s spirit is so strongly with you, he’s standing just over your shoulder, and I pray that you can feel his presence to comfort you. Blessings to you, Colleen, Eric’s mom

[mikesmum]

I thank the powers that be for this site and those within who share the experience and know the loss at every level. Your words support and guide me away from the dark abyss. They focus me back to where my heart can heal and my life can find purpose. I visited with my son, daughter and my younger brother after Monday’s events. While talking about where this ‘ceremony’ took place it seemed familiar. It was at the foot of the Warburton Ranges, on the Yarra River. This was a place we would go to for picnics in the Spring & Summer. It was somewhere that Micheal had taken his little girl to in her first years. It was special to him. Amanda might not know it, but she has laid him to rest in a place where we all have found memories of Micheal as a young child, something we might just keep to ourselves.

Joyce, I hope your time with your mother is one of pain free peace. We lost our mum 2 yrs ago in May just gone. She had Alzheimer’s, cancer of the ovaries and bone cancer. It was my wish that she would be pain free, comfortable and loved till the very end. I would sit with her and massage her hands and feet with relaxing oils, brush her hair and speak with her often about her life. Some memories were fresh others lost forever.

Blessed be – Trudi

A poem I found by EE Cummings - covers my feelings on losing my dad 26yrs ago, mum 2yrs ago and now my beloved darling son Micheal Jan 07. For those who stay and wait.......

I carry your heart with me

(I carry it in my heart)

I am never without it

(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate

(for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Thank you all

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, It is NO coincidence that Michael's ashes have been carried by the wind into a place that brings such delight in joy filled memories for you, your children, and his daughter as well. I pray this brings some peace to your dear heart.

[messenger]

DEAR MIKESMOM AND ALL..KNOW I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ANY OF YOU...LIFE HAS BEEN FILLED WITH DR..APPTS.....SO MUCH GOING ON RIGHT NOW AND LUCKY TO BE ABLE TO GET ON COMPUTER AT NITE AT ALL..SO TIRED....

I HOLD YOU ALL IN MY PRAYERS

JUST KNOW..........................YOUR LOVED ONES ARE EVER SO CLOSE TO YOU ........................................................THEY ARE WATCHING OVER EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU AND PROTECTING YOU FROM ANY HARM....I PRAY THEY LEAVE ALL OF YOU SIGNS AND DREAMS AND LEAVE YOU WITH SMILES......................... WITH PRECIOUS MEMORIES

MAY WE ALL HANG TOGETHER AND HELP EACH OTHER OUT WHEN WE NEED IT THE MOST ..LOVE AND PRAYERS TO ALL

GERI..MESSENGER

[bbarbie55]

I really know how you guys feel. I now have to see if there is time for me to see my grandson. My son in law has decided that my ex and his on again off again looney wife(I'm not kidding) whom my daughter had no use for can have him when ever they want. They live ten miles from our town and I live in the same town. This is giving me nightmares back when my girls were little and this woman hired an attorny and they took my girls away from me. I can't fight them now anymore now than when they took my children. I only get to see him if he has summer school since I can run him. I can't have him on the weekends because I may take him to church. I know my daughter wouldn't like this she was always having me watch him , she trusted me but not her dad or stepmother. Also this woman is now calling me and accusing me of trying to come between her and my grandson. If it weren't for my husband and me my son in law would still be in scottland we paid out seven hundred and fifty dollars for him to come here eight years ago and for a wedding gift we gave them a pick-up. My daughter thanked us but he never did. He teats us like outsiders and I wonder now about shutting off my daughters vent he was the only one that had any conversations with the doctors and I was always the last to know. See he isn't even a citzen he was here on a marriage visa which I helped them get. I'm just so upset because my only link to my daughter and I feel like I'm losing her all over again.

Deb

[mikesmum]

Deb - It really seems that you just start to find your way back when something else sends you back to day one. Micheals partner has threatened us with legal action if we try to see our granddaughter/niece and has Government funded legal representation to back her. We have attempted to go through mediation and also the courts. All have been met with threats of legal action and for us a costly legal battle with no guarentee of a seeing our baby granddaughter.

My daughter and I decided we would keep a journal for Harmony. Write things in there for her about her dad when he was young and memories we have of him. Family can jot down thoughts and stories, my eldest Granddaughter Emily draws the most beautiful pictures of fairies and butterflies, intermingled with stories of her Uncle Micheal. In many ways it is for Harmony should she one day want to know her fathers family, but in many other ways it helps us from spiralling back to day one when Micheal was lost to us.

I have one little voice that gains strength from this website, that tells me over and over that I need to remember my son. Value his life, honour his memory and know that he is still around us each and everyday. I believe this to be true and with each entry into the Journals I find I am stronger with his memory and occasionally even smile!

Blessed be that those who have gone before and those who remain have the memories that cannot be taken by those with little left......

[bbarbie55]

mikesmum

Thank you for the words of kindness I know you been through a tough time and it is hard for you. My grandson reminds me so much of my daughter that it is scarey. For my daughters step mom she hadn't seen my daughter or her father in about five years and then she waltzes in while my daughter is in ccu and thinks she can take over I ddon't think so my daughter did not want her son around her this woman caused a lot of pain for my daughters and she is a drug user and a mentally unstable person and I'm afraid for my grandson now. My son in law doen't know this stuff about her and I don't want to be the one to tell him. She has made my life hell before and is trying to again. I wish my daughter was here to protect my grandson.

[ronsmom]

Hello everyone....again been a while since I've tuned in to what has become my place to unload and sigh. Reading all the past posts I am overwhelmed with what some of you have to deal with on top of all this grief. Trudy: I'm sickened by your sons partners actions, never have I heard anything so cold. That was totally bizarre. I'm so feeling your reactions to it all and feel for you....I just always say, "what goes around comes around"...enough said!

I am really down again. I've been able to cope with what the world is doing around me, but one of the posts said "the months and years fly by, and the days or hours stand still"...so true! So TRUE! it will be 2 years on the 4th of July I lost my Ron, his birthday is in 17 days, (june 27th) that was the last time we spoke to one another, he is eternally 33 now. I guess my coping skills are slackened lately cause everyone around is talking about the "4th" and what they are planning, and yada yada yada...every time I hear that stupid date its like a knife in my chest. I wonder sometimes why people who know me forget this date and bring it up as well!!?? We let Rons ashes fly into the wind, he was such a free spirit and I guess we felt he could just fly forever now (he was a sky diver), I have a pendant with some of his ashes and I wear it every single day. We recently went to the drop zone where we released them and laid a plaque for him, maybe thats why the feelings have all been stirred up a little more than usual I don't know. I just know I sometimes feel so alone in this pain and the world has gone on, and I can literally see it is passing me by cause its been almost 2 years now. "2" years!! How can that be when I feel it, I hear the words in my head like it was yesterday, where have I been these past 2 years? How can this saddness be as strong now as a full 2 years ago? This is the way its going to be forever isn't it?? Just keep moving around in the year 2005 while the world goes by..........I dunno, but I don't like it.

Still no dream of Ron, no "sightings" no Nothing...

The memories are my lifesaver, thats what has kept my family together we talk about things past all the time. Without those and the photo images I don't think I would make it. I have to look at pictures almost everyday to get through, I have to SEE him.

To all of you, I just needed to unload a little this morning, the tears won't stop for some reason and I wanted to get it "out" and this is the only place I can unload myself and read that I am NOT alone. I so appreciate this site and all of you for sharing such an emotional experience. I SO share and feel all your pain, and I'm sooo sorry for all of us having to be here.

[momgran]

Dear Ronsmom: I was so overwhelmed when I read your post. My heart is in a very similar place to yours at the moment and I identified with every single word. My daughter and grandson's first Angel date will not be until October 22 but my daughter's birthday is on June 17, only one week away and the grief has spiralled so that I can hardly catch my breath! She would have been 30. I just barely survived my grandson's birthday on March 23 and had 'recovered' from that, and now another 'first'! Just as I think I'm 'moving on' and learning to come to terms with this horrible loss, it all comes back as though it was the first awful day! Doesn't it make you wonder, when you're missing them so intensely and the pain and the tears are washing you away, if it will EVER get any easier.

On your precious son's Angel Date, July 4, my babies ashes will be buried in a beautiful garden of memory in England, where my second son, Andrew is resting. So that day is going to be quite significant to me as well. Then, in October, we will be releasing the remainder of their ashes in the Indian Ocean in South Africa, the land of my daughter's birth and the country she loved and called home.

There really are no words, Ronsmom, are there to ease the pain. Like you, I go into the website I created for them every day, I can't get through the day without 'seeing' them, and also, like you, I've often said to my fiance, 'Why can't I even just have a vivid dream about them!' or have a vision, or a sign! I want to see them so intensely. What I'd give for just one more day with them....my sister said once, 'Yes, but Debbie, then you'd want one more...and one more...etc.' She's right! We have to, at some point, ACCEPT that we're never going to have another day with them in this life. I sometimes wonder if I will live long enough to reach the point where the memories will satisfy me...I sorely doubt it at times...but I do try to think back to my 'good days' and have hope that in time, the pain will ease.

I had posted this verse previously that my daughter's boyfriend's mother gave me after the tragedy and I am going to add it again as I know it does help me in my darkest hours. I will be thinking and praying for you and your dear Ron on June 27 and July 4.

My babies website is:: www.pippaandkieran.com

Here is the verse:

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all...

It comes with bitterest agony...

Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.

You cannot now realise that you will ever feel better...and yet this is a mistake.

You are sure to be happy again.

To know this, which is certainly true,

will make you some less miserable now.

I have had experience enough to know what I say.

"Abraham Lincoln

Love Peace and Patience to you all

Debbie

[bbarbie55]

Yesterday was a bad went to family reunion and my cousin suggested a four generaton picture my dad,me,myother daughter and my grandson. I started crying because Bobbi should have been there with her son. Things hit me without warning. Its going to hard on June 24th for me Bobbi would have been 26 and she will be gone two months on that day. I don't even want my birthday to come its on the 27th because she won't be here with me. I'm glad you guys listen I'm hurting so bad and no seems to care but my step mom I'm glad she's there for me. I hope I can get through this because I'm having trouble being around people now it hurts to much and I feel like I'm in a fog. I want to get on with my life but it keeps coming to a stop. All I have are memories.

Deb

[mikesmum]

Good morning to all. Your stories are a mirror, you pain is felt and your words of loss resound around the world. This past Saturday I went to the river where Micheal’s ashes were supposed to be scattered by his partner. I sat by the river, the sun on my face, the sound of the water so peaceful. I plaited ribbons of black and purple with charms interwoven. I hung them on a tree hanging over the water. I felt a little peace and planned to take the rest of the family there to place flowers and hopefully place a plague. Sunday my husband and I set off for a picnic. We were going out past where the ashes had been scattered and I asked if we could spend a minute with Micheal. We walked to the water and along a large log. Looking out I spoke to my husband who was transfixed. Looking down at the muddy bank there were Micheal’s ashes. DUMPED. Not scattered into the wind onto the water to flow forever more in peace. It was then my heart shattered, my head exploded, my legs failed me and my husband caught me just as I hit the water. My god, she emptied the box of his ashes in the mud. I have to believe in KARMA in the universe and its ability to return this to her three fold. I spent some time there gathering his ashes from this muddy mire. I bought them home. Our family will now place them in a place of peace and rest with respect and love, Micheal deserves nothing less from those who love and care for him.

Thank you for allowing me to have one place where I can speak my mind, offer my heart and soul for healing and know there is not one person on this site that hasn’t felt this overwhelming loss that is now my life.

Blessed be, may the memories and the love finally surround and comfort overcoming the sadness and despair that seem to be our lives.

[momgran]

Trudi: When I read your post, although that gruesome discovery caused you such pain, I couldn't help but think that in the end, you were meant to be left in the care of your dear Mike's remains! His partner's lack of respect and thoughtlessness has now left you with the 'honour' of scattering his earthly remains where he can become one with the forces of nature. I wonder if this isn't a blessing in disguise. Again, Trudi, I am so sorry you've had to live through this awful saga and hopefully now, once you lay your baby to rest, you and your family can start on the journey of healing and let the powers that be deal out the 'justice' wherever it is deserved.

Deb: I do feel for you so. Those very early days. I do remember the 'fog' you refer to and although it helps protect you from the full force of the reality and the pain, it does make it awfully difficult to cope. I'm glad your stepmother is there for you. I can imagine the 'family' photo would have made you acutely aware of the void, your missing Bobbi. The pain is a constant companion and all we can really do is learn to live with it and try our best to express out feelings and come to terms with those that involve guilt or resentment. Those are the emotions that need to be dispelled. They are very valid feelings, but they need to be resolved so you can start healing. We will always miss our babies. How very sad for us all!

Joyce: I am sorry to hear your mother is so ill. I pray that she is spared a lot of pain and that she can find peace with her family around her.

Love Peace and Patience to you all

Debbie

[kathy714]

Hi everyone,i am sorry i haven't been on for quite some time although i do still read the post.I loss my son Nathan on his 21st birthday ,2 years ago ,i still can't believe,that it has been 2 years already,today i was in Nathans room to put something away and noticed the sweatshirt that he had on the night he passed away,i have never washed it,i picked it up and thought,maybe i should wash it and so then i can wear it,but after 2 years i can still smell Nathan on that shirt,for about 20 min i just hugged that shirt and cried,i miss him so much,time doesn't heal ,the pain just changes....t/c e1,love ,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[bbarbie55]

Its so sad that we are here on this site and it is still hard to believe my Bobbi is gone. I really wish I didn't have a reason to be here but here I am.

My son in law brought my grandson over to spend a few days with me. My grandson insisted on going to sleep last night holding a picture of his mommy. He wakes up at night and crawls in bed with me I think hes thinking of his mom he used to sleep with her at night.

The tears come less often now but I seem to think about her often.

I'm going to get another job so maybe I can occupy my time so I'll have something else to worry about.

Deb

[mikesmum]

Deb, the young have such a capacity to love unconditionally and in many ways heal those of us that have been here a little longer. I miss Micheal every day. I speak to him, look into his eyes in the photos around our house. His brother and sister still feel the pain and when we are together it seems to magnify our loss. I am so glad you got to be with your precious grand baby. He most likely was missing his mummy, but you were there to comfort and love him. I believe he knows in his heart that you are a connection to his mummy.

While I cannot see Micheals daughter I still have my four other grandchildren. Emily Shmemily darkest brown eyes ever. 8(going on 30) looks at me with concern, pats my back the squeezes my hand, tells me she loves me. Zak a dak is 5, blue eyes, gives granma bear hugs for energy and kisses for love. Caleb Brian bright red hair green eyes 3, "C ya Granma, Lub ya granma, squeezy cuddles and the sweetest butterfly kisses. Miss Jeya all of 6 months, Sandy red hair, blue eyes and two teeth. Her eyes and smile melt me every time. These beautiful souls take me gently each day to a time when life was very different. They show me the way to heal my heart. To every season ..... I think of you all on this site, and while I would rather never have had the need to visit, I thank the powers that be that you are all here and in many ways we are sharing and healing by just knowing we are not alone.

Blessed be - Trudi

[bbarbie55]

I just want to share a little of my daughter with all of you by giving you her web site address. You can read her blogs and see her and families photos.

Her web address is: http://www.freewebs.com/kilalita/index.htm I just want people to see my beautiful daughter and how courageous she was.

Deb

[Mazey2]

I haven't been here for quite awhile not. My Son died 5 yrs ago, and had not been posting here for while. I had found myself healing I guess.....Anyway, in Jan. my only living child, my Daughter Christa, 31 y/o, married w/ a 2 y/o was diagnosised w/ tongue cancer. She lost a pregnancy related to therapy. She had 7 wks of radiation and chemo. Had just started to get a lil better, and the Drs. felt it was gone. Well, it's not.....she has a biopsy tomorrow for a suspicious spot on a ct. It is devastating.....and we are so scared. IF they can get it with surgery it will be great, if not, since she has had radiation already her treatment will be dangerous and prognosis not as good. Please, help us by taking a moment to send a prayer up for her.....

Thanks, Linda.

[kathy714]

Dear bbarbie55,I have just visited your daughter's site,she is beautiful,reading her story broke my heart,and yet they are so brave and so possitive through it all.My husband John has cancer and has been battling it since 2002,he does chemo,gets better,stops the chemo,cancer comes back,he is starting a new med today because this last ct scan showed new spot on lung and some new enlarged lymph nodes in stomach,but John never gives up.Reading your daughters stories about all she went through just gave me some new strength to get through today T/C Kathy,Nates mom 4 ever

[wadesmom]

Linda,

I'm praying for your daughter, her family and you. Sending hope, strength and an e-hug.

Take care

Wadesmom

[peacefulnow]

Linda, you must be so frightened with the news of your daughter, Christa.

I’m so sorry. The blood in my veins turned to ice as I read the words

“tongue cancer”. I’m all too familiar with it, that is what my son, Ian, had.

The surgery and recovery for this particular type of cancer is brutal.

I know. Each additional “suspicious” spot is unbelievably horrifying and

scary. Feel free to email me (cjciam2@hotmail.com), if you would like

to “talk”.

My sympathy also for your son, and the unborn grandchild that you

have lost. Linda, you have had so much to deal with. I will pray for the

strength and courage you and your daughter will need through this very

difficult time. Cindy

[bbarbie55]

Linda

Your in my prayers I know how you feel with thinking its gone then to find out its back. My daughter had almost two years of that and the only time she went into remission was before pneumonia took her.

I don't know what I would if my living daughter had anything bad happen to her I think it would kill me.

I'm keeping you and your daughter in prayer and you could visit my daughters web site its listed in a previous post.

Deb

[bokenhearted]

Linda

I am surely sending prayers for your daughter to get well. You too for strength. Hold onto all hope.

Thinking of you

JO