Loss of an Adult Child

[bbarbie55]

I just lost my daughter two weeks ago today and I'm having a real hard time of it. My husband her stepdad thinks I should just get over it. Is there something wrong with me I just can't cope. She had hodgkins for two years and then in March developed Ards and pneumonia and blood infections. She fought hard but lost her battle on April 24th. She would have been 26 on June 24th. She left behind a son who is 5 and a husband.

How do I get on with life? I have another daughter who is 20.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Bbarbie55, I am so very sorry dear heart. We, especially as the mothers who carried, birthed, nurtured, loved and lost our precious children can never "just" get over it. Can't men be "just" so insensitive sometimes. I think what your husband is having a great deal of difficulty with and wished would "just" get over is your pain, because I'm sure it is just killing him to see you hurt like this. At least that is what my husband says to me. he is a step-dad too. And I lost my son Joey (one week shy of 24) on July 31st last year, totally unexpected and extremely traumatic and tragic. Your daughter was sufferinf so... and as hard as that must have been to watch and feel so helpless, oh dear, I am just so sorry for you. No matter how we lose our children we are forever changed. I have one surviving child, a son, Patrick who is one year Joey's junior. And I love him with all my heart. But oh how I hurt so much for having lost my Joey. It doesn't matter if we have ten kids, one or none. When we lose a child we lose a part of ourselves, a part of our identity, a part of our motherhood. I don't know about you, but my firstborn taught me so much about life and love. I owe him a lifetime of my gratitude for the things I learned being his mother. Some lessons were easy, others were excruciating. But how on earth could I ever minimize what that boy meant to me by "just" getting over it. Never! It has been a little over 9 months for me now. With time the sharp stabbing knives of pain begin to dull just a little bit, but the intensity in missing him grows. I will always love him, and I will always miss him. And I will never, ever forget him or get over him. I believe with all the hope and love in my heart that through the years I remain on this earth I will love my Patrick with everything I have to give and I will survive, and I will learn to live in this new skin as uncomfortable as it is, because I am changed forever. Nothing looks the same. In some ways it's horrible. In other ways looking at things as carefully and differently as I do now is a blessing beyond measure. I would like to think that just as Joey taught me while he was here about the many things in life and motherhood, so will he continue to teach me in his passing and the legacy he left behind. My heart is filled with him, and that's something I never want to get over. Getting over the pain... who knows if we ever will. Some of us are doing a little better on some days, and others better on other days. But we all know one thing in common. Our child was here! And we will never "just" get over that. Why would we ever want to? Two weeks is no time at all, dear Bbarbie55. Your surviving daughter must be grieving as well. And I imagine your husband is grieving in his own way too. He's just a tough nut, as I say sometimes, and cracking a tough nut is hard. He may take longer to come around to mercy and sympathy, because he just can't deal with his own weakness if he let himself feel for you, with you. Men are so stubborn and a lot or most of them think being weak to tears is being a sissy or not strong enough or man enough for their family. He probably feels like he's gotta be the strong one, and he wishes everybody would just get on so he doesn't have to feel like he could crack at any moment by watching you suffer and grieve. After a time if he doesn't soften you may want to seek some counseling. But for now, the only thing I can remember at 2 weeks was that I was still in shock and going with the motions of breathing and moving, because I felt like I was walking dead. The only thing that made me know I wasn't dead was that I hurt so awfully badly and deeply I thought I would surely die too. I am a woman of strong faith, and in that time I was blessed by the support of my faith community. After a time no one talked about it anymore, and it stunk. Just because my son died doesn't mean he didn't exist. So I found BI and the beautiful and wonderful parents here who never asked to be a part of this club, but who welcomed me and helped me to recognize that I wasn't insane for feeling some of the things I felt, and I was not alone on my grief journey. No matter how much anyone around me didn;t understand, I know I always can come here to people that will and do. And we reach out for each other and to each other. In this early time for you, dear, please please take good physical and emotional care of yourself, as best you can. Walk, exercise, read, watch mindless movies, whatever you can do for even a moment of escape on occasion is a good thing. You will feel your heart opening as your shock begins to fade, and it will be hard. It hurts so badly. Please know that we are here for you when you feel no one else is. You are not alone, and you never have to feel alone, because someone here will listen, and care, abd pray for you, and pray with you, and will help you in anay way we possibly can. I'm so sorry you have to be here, dear heart. But I am so thankful you found us in your dark hour of need. God bless you, and lift you up in His loving and merciful arms this day and always. Hugs, Claudia

[messenger]

Bbarbie..HI,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I AM SO VERY VERY SORRY...........TO HEAR ABOUT THE LOSS OF YOUR DAUGHTER.............TO HODGKINS.............I TOO LOST MY 27 YEAR OLD SON TO HODGKINS...AFTER A 6 YEAR BATTLE.................I CANT BELIEVE ANYONE COULD EVER BE COLD ENOUGH TO EVEN SAY..YOU SHOULD GET OVER IT.............SHE WAS YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD AND YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET OVER IT........I FEEL SO SORRY FOR PEOPLE WITH NO COMPASSION...WHEN THEIR LAST BREATH COMES........THEY WILL WANT EMPATHY BUT WERE UNABLE TO GIVE ANY ...HOW SAD

PLEASE KNOW I WILL SAY SPECIAL PRAYERS FOR YOU..IT GREATLY SADDENS ME TO HEAR OF ANY CHILDREN HAVING CANCER......MY SON WAS NOT MARRIED AND IT MAKES ME SAD TO KNOW..HOW BAD HE WANTED TO BE MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS BUT NEVER WILL..I HAVE 2 DAUGHTERS BUT NEITHER WANT KIDS........

PLEASE KNOW..YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE AND PRAY..............YOUR HUSBAND CAN SHOW A LITTLE COMPASSION FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTERS FAMILY...........THAT HAS TO BE SO VERY HARD ON YOU ....YOU CAN EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT.AT LOVEISANGELS74@SBCGLOBAL.NET...................IF YOU WANT TO TALK...

LIFTING YOU AND YOURS UP IN MY PRAYERS...................

MY SON DIED JUNE 16TH OF 05............................GERI..MESSENGER

[mikesmomrs]

To all: I have not posted in a while, but I am here, reading and praying with all of you, always. I take all of you with me every morning, as I make my way to work, remembering you and praying that you will have peaceful moments even if just for this day.

Mamabert: yes, I am sure this has been one rough year---I am only 7 months into this---but, you have survived, despite the pain, and it is the love and spirit of your child that has brought you this far...deep in your heart, helping you to put one foot in front of the other. The pain we all share diminishes over time (so I am told), but our memories will stay strong and forever in our hearts.

Bbarbie: I am so very sorry about your daughter--my son died from brain cancer last October--it is a terrible road to travel--watching your child suffer and not be able to do anything to stop it. It must be so hard on you to not have the support you crave---I pray that your husband's attitude will soften and embrace your pain with you. When the burden of sorrow is shared, its weight is lessened. Meantime, our prayers and thoughts are with you. You are only two weeks into this, please know that eventually the agony won't be so hard hitting and won't hit so often; yes, the pain will always be there...but eventually memories will move some of the pain out and the joy of remembrances will replace some of it.

Yes, as Claudia said, Mother's day this year is not a joyful day for us, even for those of us who have other children for whom we are so grateful. Ten other children cannot fill that gaping hole left by the one missing...A simple "we are thinking of you" would truly be appropriate. Some people, though, seem to think that it is their "DUTY" to remind us that we "Must go on," etc., etc. As we all have said here, you CANNOT know what it is like until you have walked this road, and I would not wish that experience on anyone. "If you have not known the pain, there is no way I could explain it, and if you have, I don't need to explain it." I have heard that before, and now I, like all of you, truly understand.

Peaceful moments to all of you, and may the joyful memories of Mother's days past comfort us this Sunday. I know that even though the pain is unbearable, there is not one among us who would trade the experience of having and loving the child we've lost in order to never have known this pain. Our children brought so much to our lives, and continue to do so, and as Claudia said, made us richer in love for having known them.

God bless, Carol MIKESMOMRS

[45chrisbsmom]

Dear Bbarbie my heart goes out to you, did your husband explain what he meant by get over it? My husband made that coment to me once in about the 2nd month, but later explained that what he really wanted me to know was that it tore him apart to see me laying on the couch crying, knowing that there was no way for him to make it better for me, he felt helpless and afraid for our future, wondering how we could both recover from such a devastating loss. Please talk to him about it and find out if by chance it is the same for him (feeling helpless when you are crying) if it is let him know that he is most helpful to you when he lets you dry, or holds you while you cry. None of us will ever get over the lost of our beautiful children, but we will be able to work through the grief that thier death has caused.. little by little.. in our own time..with the loving support of those that love us.. I pray for peace for you and your family, and wish for loving memories to slowly replace your tears. Lynn Chris's Mom working through the grief making small progressive steps for 8 months now.

[mamabets]

For All~ I wii always remember Danny's words every year when he would call on Mother's Day... "Every day is Mother's Day, Mom- You are my Mom, my best friend and I love you more than life, right??" This year is special, as my Jackie has our new baby Caroline for all of us to celebrate. Little Julia says to her "Hi Little Baby", when she cries, and she stops...New memories in the making~ But, with "every day being Mother's Day", there is not a moment that passes that my Danny is not right here, deep within the happiest and saddest parts of my heart, for forever, always, and then some. I love you all, and keep remembering... With each day that passes, we are one day closer to joining them in their eternity!!! Life makes this all continue to "hurt" so badly, but the flip side is that one day we will "rejoice" with them. Until then, I have come to embrace that all of our angels want for us to live this life, and seize each happy moment, as few and far between as they may seem at times. The more we seize, the more they are within our reach. Patience is a virtue, as we all know, and nothing is tested like this. xoxoxomamabets

[lorismom]

Hello Everyone ~ About a year ago I found this lovely poem on another website and posted it on BI. I thought that I would post it again in the hopes that it might bring comfort to all the new mothers who have now joined us.........

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,

and though it must appear

A rather strange idea,

I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,

your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother,

as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,

every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card,

from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,

no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands,

but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,

that you would come to know

That though I live in heaven now,

I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;

we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now,

would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,

her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me,

sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden,

there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents,

trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,

though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way,

to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,

and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,

I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do;

to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,

how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself,

when she joins me in eternity.

[4everjoeysmom]

Lorismom, That is absolutely beautiful...so touching. Thank you for that poem. Hugs, Claudia

[janeensmom]

Hi friends....that is a beautiful poem it really says it all....thank you for that. Well, it has been 1 year 3 months and 23 days since my daughter left this place called earth. When people ask me how do I do it...I tell them this "I would rather have known her, loved her, shared her life and lost her than to have never have known her at all". She brought such joy into my life...for all of us we just have to put one foot in front of other and keep on living for the others in our lives. It is an everyday struggle and if it was in my power we would all have our children back. Until I meet her in heaven again I will carry this sorrow with me always. To you moms of special angels, know that you are blessed just as I was to have Janeen for as long as I did. Until we meet in heaven...I love you Janeen Lyn. You are my heart!!!!

Hugs and love to all....Vikki

[mikesmum]

Its the night before my first Mothers Day without Mike. My youngest two have taken the day and all I need to do is arrive at a beautiful spot. Its in a forest with a rippling brook, native birds and such a peaceful surround. I am being treated to late lunch with nothing for me to do but enjoy. I want so much for this day to be not about the loss we feel, God knows I have such a heaviness in my heart each minute of each day, but I want it to be reflective of what I still have. The poem is beautiful. Micheal was my first born and with the lack of experience he was luck to survive infancy!! But I am so glad that for 31yrs he made my life such a worthwhile experience. I think he might want to know where you go to get that bunch of flowers, block of chocolate and card for Mum's Day. He used to ask me what I wanted for mothers day and I would answer 'world peace, failing that you your sister and brother together and at peace! :-)

Happy Mothers Day to all who visit here. May your hearts be lightened a little by those still with you who only want for you the best. I feel Micheal is still watching out to make sure tomorrow the sun will shine and his family will enjoy the day knowing he is still very much part of who we are.

Blessed be.. one and all

[momgran]

Hello Dear Friends: I have been reading your posts and as always, my heart is with you as we travel this journey without our babies. I have found it difficult to write anything for a while now, as I've noticed other Moms mention on here at times. I'm not always able to find the words, my heart is all over the place and sometimes it's hard to pinpoint thoughts and feelings.

Bbarbie: My heart goes out to you on the loss of your precious daughter. I want to say 'welcome' to our community...welcome just doesn't seem like the right word, but we are all here for you. We all remember those shocked, dazed, torturous early days. I hope that you and your husband are able to 'come clean' with your feelings and that he will learn to be the support and shoulder that you need throughout these difficult times. I also hope that there are others around you that you can trust, people you can just 'be' with and who will allow you to do the hard work of grief and healing in your own time and in your own way. I hope you know that you can pour your heart out here, in our little haven. That's what we're here for.

Lorismom: I can't tell you the impact that poem had on me last night! Since my daughter and grandson died on October 22, 2006, I've been poring over my daughter's momentos, she kept every card and letter anyone ever sent her! I was also preparing their memorial website so I wanted to gather the material I needed for that project. Well, yesterday I decided to go into my own boxes of 'memories' and came across all the beautiful Mother's Day cards she ever sent me! I sat and read and wept for a couple of hours. Her precious handwriting, from clumsy printing to beautiful script! The words and cards she had chosen over the years made me so very much aware of how much she loved and admired me. I felt as though she had led me to that box yesterday because Mr Hallmark didn't have the appropriate card, as your poem said, this year. I now know that the love she gave me in her 29 years will sustain me for the rest of my life. She had an amazing capacity for love and so did her precious little son who departed with her at the tender age of 4. I think that perhaps there are souls that only need a short time here on earth and they teach us so very much about love and life and it is then up to us to use that knowledge with faith and wisdom as we move forward..

Kathy: Thank you for visiting my Garden of Memories and your kind words.

To Claudia, MikemomRS-Carol, Bbarbie,Trudi, Momabets, Mommabert,Brian's Mom-Carole,Shuugar, Vikki,Chris's Mom-Lynn, Lorismom, Geri, Dottie, Wadesmom, Lwuest, Carole-Chris's Mom, and anyone reading this post that hasn't posted for a while, I pray that Mother's Day will give you some peace and joy in the knowledge that you will always be the Mothers of your babies and that their light will shine on you and give you strength to move forward, and when you think back in time, only the happy memories survive! Enjoy the day with your surviving children. My heart goes out to anyone reading this who may have no surviving children and pray that the memories of your child/children will sustain you.

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

[darrylsmom]

Hello All, This is Joyce, Darryls mom. I haven't posted for a while but I read you all every day. This will be my first Mothers day w/o my son. I have a daughter who means the world to me. We are suppose to go to lunch today as she works tomorrow. I want to tell you that poem is just beautiful. I'm so sorry for all the new parents who have joined this long journey. Carole I want to let you know you are not a pest to me. You don't know what it means to me to talk to you. We understand each other. BI has helped me so much, I thought I was going crazy with all my mixed moods. One day good next day sad. I pray for you all every day and for our babies. Happy Mothers day to each and all of us. May the Peace of the Lord be with all of us. Hugs Joyce

[4everjoeysmom]

Praying for us all through Mother's Day... Love & Hugs, Claudia

[mamabets]

For All~ Much love to all of you, today and always...xoxomamabets and her little WINK Danny, from here, there and everywhere!!

[kathy714]

Hi Everyone,just sending a little note to let you all know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers on this Mothers Day.I hope you all are able to find some little bit of peace,with all the precious memories of Mother's days past,spent with our angels,T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[ronsmom]

Hello to everyone and its been a long time since I've written but I've never forgotten any of you or the help you've given to me through my darkest desperate days....and you truly helped me, and still do as I come in and read and read and read your thoughts. It helps to keep me sane for some reason just to know I'm not as alone as I feel. On July 4th it will mark my 2 year anniversary with this big peice missing in my life. My Ronnie!! I can seriously say I cannot remember what I have done these past 2 years, I only see myself and my husband in the chair listening to some stranger tell us our son was gone forever...thats where I'll always be I'm afraid. I have surviving children and somedays the guilt of not getting emotional with them and whats happening in their lives overpowers me and I feel awful for not being the "mom" I used to be. I have survived 2 years (almost) and so I will continue on and through these 2 years I have seen changes, Ronnie doesn't fly across my head "all day long" as he used to, I now have minutes and sometimes hours where I can concentrate on something else, but he does return and sometimes with a vengeance and thats when I fall apart once again. So to anyone who is new to this existence, it does get easier to mask the emotions, it does start to spread out longer in between, but I'm here to say it doesn't ever EVER go away.........this is mothers day, and since Ron is in heaven he won't be here with me and bringing his "ice-cream" cake for me. His tradition!! My only fear right now is since he is in Heaven and can see and hear ALL will he finally know I never really liked ice-cream cakes?? I only accepted them with glee cause I knew they were HIS favorite!!!.........I love him, and I love you all for being here to help me through this, hope some of my letters in the past helped some of you. I will come back more often todays letters got me once again!!! Take care and know someone is thinking of you today.........me

blueskies to all of you, Bonnie

[janeensmom]

Wishing all of you good memories today as we all struggle to get through this day....Peace and love, Vikki

[bbarbie55]

Thank you all for your support. Today mothers day is hard but she had trouble remembering to call me. Now she will never call me again. My other called though and wants me to come to stay overnight with her. I'm not ready to try and occupy my mind her right now. I love her but I have to go to work that takes my mind off the pain. My youngest is wrapped up in her boyfriend anyway and wouldn't be with me much.

This day is sad but still I have memories and I just want to help others that are facing the same thing I just went through. I knew she was going to die but it still hurt. I am a woman of faith and I know she was taken so she wouldn't suffer or fear cancer again. She is at peace but I miss her and love her.

bbarbie

[bokenhearted]

Bonnie

I have just passed the 2 year mark (April 25) of not having my Karl with us. I agree with your words as they are so true. There are moments where we are not totally engulfed with the memory of them but there are certainly times when we are and it is so so hard to get through those times. You bought a smile to my face though with the icecream bit. It is funny because I often think of what they see us do and say too. Will we have to explain ourselves when we meet again. Boy there could be some interesting conversations :-) to come. I know what you mean about getting involved emotionally with your children that are surviving. I have had similar feelings at times but I think for me and maybe you, that it is a the way we are to cope. Lets have faith that it will get better and as many here have said we are all different and we all deal with this terrible loss in our own way.... and there are no rules for us to follow. so don't be too hard on yourself.

Take care, I am with you and thinking of you.

Jo

[bokenhearted]

BBarbie

God bless you and a big hug from me and I am sure from us all here. Even in your so recent pain you are here reaching out and trying to help ease others pain too. Be kind to yourself, but we are here anytime.

Hugs

Jo

[ericasmom]

To All the Mommas Here tonight,

May you all feel your child holding you as you fall asleep, knowing that we will always be their Moms, nothing can change that, not their leaving, not the ache of time, nothing. I hold you all in my heart and in my prayers as we continue to travel on.

Peace,

Dee

[45chrisbsmom]

I just wanted to express how thankfull I am that I found this website a few weeks ago. I'm sorry we are all here, but being able to express myself and hear you all do the same has helped me relax and realise I'm not the only one that feels such an overwhelming sorrow over the loss of my baby, he wasn't really a baby--22yrs, 6'2", but he was my youngest and I always called him my baby. I survived my first Mothers Day without him and at times a I enjoy parts of it, I was able to contain myself, and save the flood of tear until I was safely on my way home to my life boat, my comfy couch surounded by by best friends, my 2 dogs, plus my sons lab Abby and his fat fuzzy cat Sammy. I took today, Monday off so I didn't have to endure all my patients asking if I had a good Mothers' Day, I just don't think I could have coped with that.

I did look back through my saved cards finding the ones from Chris through the years, I'm so glad I don't throw cards and the boys grade school artwork away. As you all know these are wonderful treasures now, the scribbled name, the misspelled words, or messy pictures are a very personalized proff that our children really did live, and ove us very much. I hope you all had moments of peace and love in your Mothers day too. Love Lynn Chris's mom

[bbarbie55]

Thank you all. I cry when I read your posts and I loved the poem and I know Bobbi would of. I have a few people who I can talk to but only two know what I'm going through. I think its worse to lose an adult child than baby. Because you invest so much in them and when you think nothing can go wrong then there is a bad doctors report or an accident and the next thing you know your baby is gone and a part of you dies to. No one can help me with the pain I have to take it a day at a time. I do know I didn't want her like I saw her in the hosptial with four tubes running out of her and the trach and machines. That was not Bobbi that was not my daughter. So yeah I will try to help others like she tried to do.

[shuugar]

James was the one child of mine that NEVER forgot to call or come over with a little something or other on Mothers Day or birthdays etcetera.

In my heart I feel that he found a way to do just that this year also....

I wanted to call and wish my daughter in law (his wife) a happy Mothers Day. (I never call the house phone because usually someone other than family answers and they each have their own cell phones,) but (I don't know why) I picked up my phone and scrolled down to his name on my address book on the phone and I called the house phone. When the ring was answered it was my son's voice that I got to hear (His out-going message is on the answering machine)

It was sooooo wonderful to hear his voice but it was unexpected and made me cry. (mixed feelings)

[mikesmum]

I read all of your posts and gain such strength from each experience. My youngest two and families took charge of my Mothers Day. I just had to be there. I large open park, chicken salad and champagne, 4 grandkids, my son my daughter and their partners. We all knew what was missing, no words were needed. My baby boy held me so tight as he gave me my card...."I didn't write too much, didn't want to make you cry'. I had to smile, words were never his strong suit. My daughter had made a Herbal Remedy Basket. She is a Natural Therapist and blended me relaxation teas, "Healing Heart Tea" with a beautiful china tea pot and cup.

The sunshine stayed for most of the day, kids were run ragged in the acreage of this Parkland. It was the quiet at the end of the day that caught me unaware. My family had filled my day I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts, then with hugs and kisses told me they missed their brother and hoped they had in someway helped me through my first Mothers Day. I had to smile again. They had. They stepped out of the role of child and into the role of adult with out so much as a bump. Micheal would have smile, at Steven writing his card struggling to express himself with out upsetting me. He would have been with Melissa guiding her with the remedies to know exactly what I would need to continue.

All in all my day was another first, I had spent time with my family. It was a time where Micheal was still with us, but did not consume us with his loss.

Blessed be all.....thank you for being part of my journey ;-)

[ericasmom]

Mikesmum,

how wonderful that your two children helped the whole family by providing the place and the activity and food, but also by providing the opportunity to let Mike enter the group through their deeds, their words. I know how hard the first of everything is, I just had my 4th Mom's Day without my girl Erica. I am sure that your son is holding you all, deep love is forever, once shared forever shared.

so many of you out there are dealing with your first of everythings...be good to ourselves and do not feel that you are not strong if you break down when you least expect, we all do. There are no directions for grief, only loving arms right here if you need a hug, and many parents that are on this path with you to share and console and care for one another.

Peace,

Dee

[bbarbie55]

Thank you all You have given me the will to go through the days. It has only been three weeks and I can't talk to my other daughter without crying I think she thinks I only loved her sister. This is so new to me I don't know what to do for my other daughter. She is independant and don't seem to need me.

I got another sympathy card in the mail today and it just started memories up again. Will I ever be able to listen to her music or see a Depp movie without tears. How will I handle christmas and thanksgiving without her there, she always was there for me. Her birthday will be hard (6-24) she will be gone two months on that day. I just want to go where nobody knows me and can't ask me how I'm doing and just let me heal by myself.

[4everjoeysmom]

I know those feelings so well...and I am somewhere where no one really knows me...but I miss my family, and it isn't any easier being far away. Some people know I am grieving. Some don't. And I am very lonely a lot of times. That's why I come here. It doesn't seem to matter what walk of life, or where people live, the pain is deep and it follows.

My younger son is so much more independent than Joey was. He doesn;t seem to "need me" like Joey always did. But I know he loves me. I think the best thing surviving children can know from us is that it wouldn't matter which child was lost, we would hurt just as badly if it were another instead of the one gone away. Kids just hurt to see us hurting. I remember when Patrick said to me that he was hurting so badly, and in the midst of his pain he just felt so bad for me and his dad, because he couldn't even imagine how much more we must be hurting to lose a son. Joey was my first born. He taught me a lot about motherhood even though Patrick was only a year behind. And while I love Patrick no less, there was something unique and different about my relationship with Joey. I think lots of parents have that with their kids. We would be hurting just as badly if it were the other child. And we would be thinking of the uniqueness of that relationship. Each one brings his or her own special set of gifts to the parent child partnership. And it's natural for the surviving child(ren) to feel as though they don't have what you are missing. But by letting them know just how special they are and how unique their presence is assures them of our love, even in the midst of our pain. After a while the surviving relationship begins to restore itself to the familiar conversation styles of before. (Each one of those with each kid is also unique.) I began to realize that before Joey died he wasn't the center of my conversations with Patrick, and for Patrick's sake I had to get back to being Patrick's mom too. That was the best thing I could do for him. We both hurt from losing Joey for certain. And we're learning along the way what to do. It's a process. I can;t help myself sometimes to just want to say something about Joey when I talk to Patrick, but I have to try to stay aware of the fact that even though he's independent, he still loves and needs his mom.

In time the movies and music become a comfort more than a stabbing knife. But it takes time... This is such a hard and sad journey. I wish I had more wisdom in knowing how to do this, but that too comes with time... Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmum]

bbarbie55, There is much I gain from this site but the familiarity of the stories from each post is of such comfort. In the first 4 weeks after Mike died it rained. It stopped at his funeral but each time I went to speak to his siblings it would start all over again. None of us said anything but then about month ago we were all together and it began to rain. The silence was deafening, Steven, Melissa and I all looked at each other and cried. We all had the same thoughts, the rain, Micheal, it all meant something to us. Claudia, Mike was my first born. Steven my baby is just like Patrick, didn't need me so much. Tough Stuff. I realised too that the topic of conversation of the last months centred on Mike. I am sure, though they would never say, that Steven and Melissa must think Mike was an only child. Mothers Day did much to alter my focus. We have planned a core family day for Mikes birthday in June. It will be time for stories, tears, laughs, good food and wine and of course another part of letting go and moving towards healing. Never forgetting.

Speaking of those that may have felt they are lost in this self absorbed grief I have going...my husband has been struggling with his role as Intensive Care paramedic. Mikes death has rocked him, but as with many men, he had trouble expressing his grief. Peer support received this piece written by Mal last month. It represents an overview of the job and how it impacts. I leave it here for others to read. The journey continues to unfold, I have much to learn. Blessed be. Trudi

Malcolms Story

Arriving at this crash was not unlike the many hundreds we had attended in the past. Debris from the vehicles was strewn over the road, the fire services were already on scene. The afternoon sun was beating down on the tangled wreckage of a small station wagon. Severely trapped on this vehicle was a man whose life appeared to be ebbing away. He looked at me and told me his name. I told him we would do everything to get him out.

With no blood pressure to record, with multiple limb fractures and major chest and abdominal trauma sustained. I knew this mans life hung by but a thread.

Rescue, fire, and police services all knew him. He was well known and respected throughout the town.Inside the vehicle the noise was deafening. Compressors to power cutting equipment, generators for lighting, and the roar of fire engines to maintain water pressure all meant one had to shout to pass messages. With the roar of the helicopter dissipating, with compressors, generators and fire engines shutting down, with the moon and street lights beaming down on what was, we were left in the silence, left to ponder. Not a word was spoken I could see the fatigue in the eyes of those around me, as they could see mine.

It is then that I realised, it’s the silence that numbs you. It’s the silence that hurts. I go home from this job and for days, at night as I lay there and the pictures come back. I continue to hear the roar of engines in the silence, in the dark.

I am but human, a soldier, paramedic, lover, husband, father and son. I can no longer control my emotions. I am no longer who I was, and am now struggling to find the new and different me.

In the silence life goes on.

Just when you think they have no idea of what you are going through when you think they don't understand something like this may just change your mind.

[Kelly]

Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[missingchris]

To All:

It's been a long time since I've felt strong enough to post here. We're coming up on year #3. So many things have changed, yet the heartache has not. I just wanted to leave my love and wishes for moments of peace to all the Mom's and Dad's on this site. God Bless.......

[bbarbie55]

I made an effort to bond again with my other daughter but she would rather have other people around her. She also seems to be hideing her feelings. She won't talk about her sister but I need to so I can heal. I have trouble going to Bobbis house all I see is her on the couch real sick. I think her husband thinks I don't want anything to do with him. There are to many memories and it hurts real bad. My ex husband doesn't seem to be greiving as much as I am and he was her father and she helped take care of him when she was alive. It just seems he has no heart. I know this he have no reactions when his own dad died. Why do I seem like the only one who can't seem to go on? I don't like the way everything reminds me of her and the way I cry for no reason. This is worse than when I lost my mom and I'm having trouble coping. Thank you for listening at least you all know how I feel.

[4everjoeysmom]

bbarbie55, I have had those very same thoughts and feelings. Losing a child has to be the worst and lonliest place in the world. I'm convinced. Just last night I sat and cried and cried, and it was my wedding anniversary. I should have been sharing my best with my husband, but I just had such a hard time trying to find a "special" feeling in my heart to share. I look around and birds are singing, flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, people are smiling, and inside I am so sad and lonesome missing Joey. After 9 months I find many more days now where I can give of myself more to others and where I can remember some things of Joey and smile. But it's such a hard journey, and the bereavement continues. I'll always miss him. I still have a need to talk about him, speak his name, reminiscing, and so forth. I feel I must be such a burdon sometimes, because surely I am grieving the heaviest of anyone in my family. But I know that isn't really true. Everyone misses him. Just not everyone can express themselves through pain comfortably or outwardly with others. I even feel awkward talking about Joey anymore with my surviving son, as he is so busy and happy with his own life, and so I just go on... It's all I can do. I'm so sorry you are feeling so lonely. Please keep comng here. Time and this web board has been a source of great comfort and healing for me. I still have bad days. But these days I carry a lot more uplifting spirit and hope because I have been able to share and express my pain with my friends here. I hope that after a while you will find the strength and comfort you need through people here who care very much. Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

[bbarbie55]

Thank you I know it is a long journey that I have to take. I know the pain will always be there. I thought I was prepared for this because we've known for two years that something could happen to her and she knew it, but I was not prepared for the empty lonely feeling I have. That is why I'm glad I found all of you. I have a freind Sue who e-mailed me about this site and I'm glad she did. When I'm feeling bad I come here and type it helps. Thanks

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

None of us can ever be prepared for the emptyness that follows saying good bye to a beautiful, precious child. I'm glad you found us to journey with too... Blessings & Hugs, Claudia

[mhill49]

Hi everyone, This is my first posting here. This looks like a very good site.

I will tell you a little about my story. We have lost our daughter Nicole, who was 23 years old. She was a disabled adult. She was born with Spina Bifida. That is a hole in the spine at birth. Our Nicole had succeeded at her independance. She was very happy and proud. She went through a lot in her 23 years of life. Nicole had finally gotten her on place to live. Which was one of her dreams and goals. She was engaged to be married, Date July of 2008. She moved in on Labor Day weekend in 2006. She even had gotten herself a job not far from her apartment, at a preschool as a teacher's aide. Nicole was in a wheelchair, part of having spina bifida, there is paralysis involved. Well how she died, was in a fire in her apartment. Nicole had just gotten her power wheelchair back from being serviced on Friday, the fire was that Sunday! There is a good possibility it was her chair that caused the fire. It is being investigated.

This has been the hardest thing to deal with daily. My husband and I are having a hard time excepting she is gone. She had so much to offer the world. We have 2 other children, Kaytie 19, and Dan 13. This has been really hard on them also.

.....She didn't deserve to die that way. She was alive when the police got there first, but they couldn't get to her because the chair was in flames. They couldn't get close enough. She was trapped in front of her chair on the floor. She had gotten herself out of the chair. The way she died has been the hardest thing to deal with.

..Well I will write more at another time. I hope this will help me cope.

Thank you for listening Michelle

[bbarbie55]

Welcome MHill we are so glad you found this site. I'm bbarbie and I know what your going through I lost my daughter Bobbi on 4-24-07. We will all help you get through this. Read the poem down further in these posts and it will bless you. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Mhill49, I'm so sorry... I'm thankful that you found this site, because it has helped me tremendously. I lost my son Joey at 23 last July, and how he died was tragic and terrible as well. I had nightmares about it early on. For me, also, that was the hardest thing for me to deal with in terms of Joey dying, besides the obvious that he isn't here anymore and I miss him terribly. But with much prayer and in time, through my faith, God has shown me something that has given me great peace. In a moment when what I imagined was horrible, God showed me (in my spirit) that he took Joey instantly out of the pain and devastation, and carried him to the heavens, and Joey felt nothing but the peace and joy of being with the Lord. I have reflected for a time on various Scriptures that have helped, like when Stephen was being stoned in Acts. He looked and saw Heaven and the Lord there as he was being stoned, and he went to sleep...he died seeing the glory of God, and in that Stephen's pain ceased forever. I also like a verse in Revelation that I framed and have near my bedside to reflect on...

Rev 21:10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and showed me the holy city Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God.

In meditating and praying over these words, I have found peace in Joey's end here. I have no more nightmares, and I know Joey is safe. It is not fair. It is horrible that our children had to experience such devastating ends, but I try hard to imagine that that end was for only a moment here before they were rescued out of it. When we couldn't rescue them, God could and did...

There isn't much I can say, I know, that will ease whet you are going through right now. But please know that you are not alone in your journey, and you will find good friends, healing support through others' stories, hope in witnessing how others have found healing and comfort, and just having a place where you can express your pain, grief, fears, hopes, etc... without judgement. I am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry for the anguish of a devastating end to a life that was rich and full of meaning here. I know that well. But I hold to knowing that death here is not the end. The value of what we saw in our children here is increased immeasurably and perfected in heaven, and we WILL see them again. The journey from here to there is "the missing" until we meet again. I am praying for you... Hugs, Claudia

[wadesmom]

Debbie,

Thank you for the Mothers day prayer- that you addressed to so many of the BI moms the day before mothers day. It touched my heart to be included in your prayer.

Mothers day was just a very turbulent weekend for me for a variety of reasons- after getting home from a day of moving my daughter and her husbands belongings from one place to another-attending my daughters college graduation the next day, and aching for my son throughout the entire weekend, just like every day,,,, it was just comforting somehow- to know that you included me in your mothers day prayer-So thank you for your kindness.

Take care

Wadesmom

[janeensmom]

Michelle, I am so sorry for your grief. I also know the loss of losing my young disabled adult daughter named Janeen on 1-17-06. She was the light of my life. She did get married in 1998 when she was 26 years old and was married to a young man who is also disabled named Kevin. They where married until her sudden death from an artery in her brain that burst. He was the one who found her and has never been the same since. I took care of both of them to make sure they had what they needed. We even built them house next door to us to make it easier. My heart aches for you and your family, it is such a loss that you will never understand but you will accept it oneday. It took me a whole year to do that and even now I sometimes pretend it didn't really happen. My heart is broken as is the rest of my familiy and friends. Please feel free to vent on this website we are all here to support you and share your sadness and your good memories of her. Remember to take baby steps and be kind to yourself. Everything you are experiencing and going to experience is normal...it is called grief. Hugs and love, Vikki

[bbarbie55]

I'm having a horrible day! I had to call the police because my husband had an psychotic episode today and he told me that could send me to live with my dead daughter. This has been hard enough without his mental health issuses. Whats even better the cops told me to leave even when he came after me with them there. So how does someone mourn when there husband is having a breakdown? He is not my daughters dad.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Bbarbie55, You NEED to be in a safe environment. Do you have someone you can stay with for a bit? And your husband needs some professional help. Without help you are not safe with him, as he could flip out anytime and do something very irrational. I'm sure you know this. I'm so sorry, as if your grief isn't enough to deal with, now you have this too. If there is anything that you can think of that we could do for you, please let us know. I'm praying for you... Hugs, Claudia

[bbarbie55]

Thank you Claudia all I need is your prayers. My husband was diagnosed with schizo affective disorder over ten years ago and now he keeps getting worse I have a place to go. I've haven't been around him since nine fifteen this morning. Our pastor is trying to get him to volutarily commit himself to the VA. He's usually not this bad. Just pray for me. He isn't in his right mind and today I was scared of him. I think sometimes I'm going to crack under all the pressure but I'm still here.

Deb

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all: I haven't posted in a while, I've just been kind of reading and continuing to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, and have been reading now and then to keep up with all of you, and to see who else I need to add into my prayers--it seems as though there is someone new just too often. It is so sad that you have to be here, but we are so glad you have found this site. Mother's day really wiped me out, and I am sure all of you were hanging by a thread, as well. The 14th of May was my youngest daughter's birthday, and also was the 7th month of losing her brother. She said she did not want to celebrate, did not want to ever claim the 14th as her birthday again. She did come over though, and for the sake of her own children, we did have a cake, though she cried sometimes through the day. (she is 39) She and her brother were really close, and she spent a lot of time with him the last couple of months before he passed away from brain cancer last year on Oct 14. I try to help her and she and I talk a lot, and she has written some things about him that have helped her, but still she misses him so much. But she has an 8 yr old and a 21 yr old son, and they need her to be as normal as possible for them, and that "normal" includes still celebrating birthdays, though her 21 year old also wanted to just "skip" it this year. We must continue thouse traditions, though, for those who remain, young or old. Those traditions are the fabric of our lives, and they are what makes our memories.

Time has changed some things for me, though I still cry every day, sometimes not as much as others, but now and then, there is the "big breakdown," which I am sure you all know well, unfortunately. This is a such a strange new world we have found ourselves in, one completely out of the natural order of things, and I don't think any of us ever function the same again. So many things that were so "important" before now mean nothing, and I don't think that's ever going to change.

I am still working on my son's memorial page, and sometimes (most times) it is very comforting to do that, but sometimes a memory will just bring me to my knees and I have to put it aside for a few days.

We were very close, my son and I, and we attended a lot of baseball games together--in fact, he is the one who got me into it. Well, this past week, my husband I went to the ballpark for the first time without him. I felt like I was in a trance...I did not want to "break down," in front of everyone--they were there to have a good time and I didn't want to spoil that. I did cry, but not uncontrollably, and once we were in there, I felt comforted because Mike and I spent so much time there, that I felt as though he was right there, with me, and that made me feel so much better about it. Sometimes those things we really thing are going to just slay us, actually aren't as bad and turn out to be a comfort. This was one of those things, thank God. This game was the day after my daughter's birthday, which was the day after Mother's day, so I was already an emotional disaster. Mike was with us, though, and gave us strength. I am so grateful for that.

I am also rambling. I apologize. As I said, I haven't posted in a while, and just wanted to connect, and let you all know that you all are always in my prayers, every day.

love to all of you, and I wish you all peaceful moments during the day, with comforting memories when the tears come, as they inevitably do.

carol MIKESMOMRS

[mikesmum]

Mhill49, and all who enter in.....this site truly has helped in many ways where family friends and loved ones fall short. To lose your child in such a tragic circumstance defies the laws of nature. They are not supposed to go first, but they surely aren't meant to go as they reach for their pinaccle in life, strive to achieve.

I read the posts, take on board the strengths, prayers and guidance of those who have endured before me.

I return here when my 'bad days' overwhelm me and the helplessness consumes me.

After surviving Mothers Day and encouraging my youngest to celebrate his birthday as his brother would want I felt a strength return. I really believed I had made it up a little further to my new normal. Then just a the tsunami swept in two phone calls took my strength and will away.

My son's partner (being interviewed in relation to his death) has control over his estate. It has taken me months to come to terms with this, but the best was saved for last. She picked up his ashes, as she is entitled as his "partner". The law is on her side and as they say, the law is an ass.

She will not let us know where his final resting place/s will be. In her words, that is none of our business. Micheal was hers and she wants nothing to do with us.

Second thump came from my caring sharing employer. After 4 months of no contact, not even a hi how are you doing I received an email asking why I wasn't back. They believe the day Micheal died it was coincidence that I was working and not really something that would effect me this much.

I guess that's why a read the posts, acknowledge those who post here. Without saying much - you all get it. If I say today is a really shitty day from waking up to being with my counsellor and fighting with my spouse, you get it.

I don't have to explain my breaking heart, my never ending tears, my loss that at times makes my living unbearable. The fact that with each thump I find myself back at day one, holding my sons hand, brushing his hair and whispering 'it will be okay Mike, I am here, nothing can hurt you now, sleep my darling, mummy loves you.....'

Blessed be to the mums dads brothers sisters aunts uncles grandad's and grandma that find their way here....ramble on, never feel you are alone, we are all here for you.....

[4everjoeysmom]

Deb (Bbarbie55), I am definitely praying for you. And I am thankful you have a safe place to be. I hope your pastor can help to shepherd your husband in a direction that will find him the help and wellness he needs, and that you need as well. Lean on the Lord dear friend and ask Him to show you the way to His peace. It's so hard to have to go through grief and all of this at the same time. I have seen the Lord redeem some very bad situations here on the mission field, and I know He will work for you. Hold tight... love and prayers are coming to you. Hugs, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, I love you dear friend. You are on my heart and in my prayers..always!

[4everjoeysmom]

Mikesmum, I am so sorry the mate of your son is being so mean. I can't imagine how her twisted mind thinks this is not your business to know where your son's ashes will be. But please know your son's final destiny and resting place is not in the ashes. It is his spirit that lives on and you will meet him again one day. She cannot ever take that away from you, as He was never hers to own. His love lives in you until that precious day of reunion. Blessins & hugs, Claudia

[bbarbie55]

I know what it is like to have someone else in charge of your precious child. My daughters vent was turned off on April 24th and I had no say so her husband did. I didn't get included in the funeral services and I have no say so where her ashes will be buried. But what I am going to do is put a marker of some kind near my mothers grave her grandmother to remember her by. And remember we all grieve and maybe this is just her way. I'm not condoning her actions but try to give her support I know hes your son but don't make his memory a battle. You will regret it. I love all of you guys here I just am so glad for you and your help even in your grief is so comforting. Thank you I think I would have ended up in the looney bin if hadn't been for this site. I still have problems with a mentally husband and I still mourn for my daughter but I have to go on the world has not stopped because I'm torn up over my Bobbi. I hope we all find our faith and peace.

Deb

[mikesmum]

Thanks Claudia. I know in my heart that Mikes spirit left his earth bound body on Jan 18th 07. His final resting place for me was in his bed the morning he died. We have chosen to create a living garden on our property. Mike spent 10 days with us just before his death. He touched base with many friends and family that he had been isolated from during his relationship with his partner. I have been told that his spirit was ready to move on. He had begun to laugh again, share thoughts and dreams and this is how I would like to remember him.

Deb is right, I would not like to make Mikes death a battle. I would rather honour my son and respect his life for the years he was here than to destroy the light and life he bought to many.

The garden will be a place for his family and friends to come, sit, ponder and revist with memories of Mike. The week after he died we were given a deep red velvet rose and white orchid from the Staff at Mal's ambulance station. These will be the central focus of the floral together with a seat and memorial rock to be chosen by his brother & sister.

I thank you all for your continued spiritual support. Blessed be to those who wait.