Loss of an Adult Child

[darrylsmom]

Hi All, This is Joyce, Darryl mom. I went to Vegas for Darryls 42nd b-day. I thought it would help to keep him off my mind, didn't work. I got sick the next day thinking about him. And I didn't think I deserved to have fun. Then I told myself Darryl would not want me to act this way over him. So then I had some fun. I didn't have Easter this yr at my house like I always do. My husband sister invited us to her house, she had a house full. We took my mom w/ us, she is 93 she lives w/ us. She is having a hard time getting over Darryl too. So glad to hear they named your new grandson after your son. You know it takes a special person to be a Missionary. I'm so glad for you and your husband. I pray for you all on this lonely journey. Peace be with us all. Hugs Joyce

[kathy714]

Dear Chrisquilter,i agree with all the wonderful sugegstions that were given,i remember when my son Nathan passed,everyone was around the first couple of weeks ,my neighbors brought us tons of food,my phone was ringing off the hook,i barely had a minute to think of what was happening,then all the sudden everything stopped,the phone stopped ringing the food stopped coming,and all that was left was the silence,and all the thoughts going on and on in my head,thinking of Nathan 24/7,And even though everyone said "call me if you need anything"I just couldn't.Thats why it is important to have that one friend that will be there for you when everyone else has gone on with their own lives,and it sounds like you are that friend,also tell her to here ,to B.I, when she feels she needs others to talk to ,everyone here will welcome her ,this site saved my life the pass 2 years...T/C,you and your friend will be in my prayers..Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[4everjoeysmom]

Darrylsmom,Joyce-- I am so glas to hear that you were able to have some fun in Vegas after all. I'm sorry that you were sick, but it passed, thank God.

I am guessing your comment about being a missionary was for me. I can honestly say it isn't me who is special. It is a very special God who has enabled me, an average hurting person, to do His will. It is a blessing to serve Him.

Peace be yours, Claudia

[daveydow1]

To Jo,

Thank you for posting the "God's Lent Child" poem.

I had heard just a few lines of it in the past, but

had not heard all the lines. It is an encouraging poem.

Mommabert,

Congratulations on your new little grandson, Josh. I'm

sure you are so pleased that he was named after your son.

My little grandson (8 mo. old) has my son's name--David--

for his middle name. Babies are so sweet & innocent, you

cannot look into their little faces without smiling.

Peace to all here at BI.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Hi everyone...six months ago today, my world was turned upside down. Mike's 6th month date is today--we plan on going to Mass where they will be reading his name in rememberance, and then afterwards we are going to have a short prayer and candle lighting service, led by our pastor. After, my son's boys want to let off some balloons. I have been thinking about this all week. I have been crying about this all week. I have been crying about crying about this all week. Do you see where my brain is? where my heart is? I know that Mike would not want me to be crying, not want me to be keeping myself out of life, and I don't want to hurt him, I want to HONOR him, but this whole week has been SUCH a roller coaster. Mike's wife called yesterday to say that she cannot attend the prayer ceremony. She cannot handle this right now...and I totally understand and support her on that. She can only do what she feels she can do, and she is going through so much now. She is getting ready to move out of their apartment, and as she said "i'm so excited that we are going to be moving on a little bit, and horribly, horribly depressed because we are going to be moving on a little bit." She has been having meltdowns all week. I pray she is given extra strength to handle this. She has had such a hard time with losing Mike, but she is doing a tremendous job with their 2 yr old...she is a fantastic mom.

In the middle of all of this, of course, was yesterday--my sister's services, which I could not attend. She lives in Florida and I live in NH. I talked with her about it before she passed away, and she totally understood--in fact, she was the most understanding of all of my siblings, about what was going on with Mike's illness and his death. She was always there for me, and I will miss her so, but I am so glad she is finally free of all the pain she has suffered these past two years. She deserves to be at rest.

So, please everyone, keep us in your prayers.

Mommabert: Congratulations on your new little grandson, Josh. As Sherry said, I am sure you are happy about his being named after your precious son. You will have so much fun with him. The time will be bittersweet sometimes, I am sure, but the joy he will bring to you will help to heal your heart.

To everyone-- you are all in my prayers every morning..you all accompany me to work, did you know that? You all climb into my van with me every day, and give me strength to get through another day. Thank you all so much.

love and peace to all of you...Carol MIKESMOMRS

[daveydow1]

Mikesmom, Carol

Peace to you on this day---Mike's 6 mo. angel

day. You will be in my prayers.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[shuugar]

Hi everyone...six months ago today, my world was turned upside down. Mike's 6th month date is today--we plan on going to Mass where they will be reading his name in rememberance, and then afterwards we are going to have a short prayer and candle lighting service, led by our pastor. After, my son's boys want to let off some balloons. I have been thinking about this all week. I have been crying about this all week. I have been crying about crying about this all week. Do you see where my brain is? where my heart is? I know that Mike would not want me to be crying, not want me to be keeping myself out of life, and I don't want to hurt him, I want to HONOR him, but this whole week has been SUCH a roller coaster. Mike's wife called yesterday to say that she cannot attend the prayer ceremony. She cannot handle this right now...and I totally understand and support her on that. She can only do what she feels she can do, and she is going through so much now. She is getting ready to move out of their apartment, and as she said "i'm so excited that we are going to be moving on a little bit, and horribly, horribly depressed because we are going to be moving on a little bit." She has been having meltdowns all week. I pray she is given extra strength to handle this. She has had such a hard time with losing Mike, but she is doing a tremendous job with their 2 yr old...she is a fantastic mom.

In the middle of all of this, of course, was yesterday--my sister's services, which I could not attend. She lives in Florida and I live in NH. I talked with her about it before she passed away, and she totally understood--in fact, she was the most understanding of all of my siblings, about what was going on with Mike's illness and his death. She was always there for me, and I will miss her so, but I am so glad she is finally free of all the pain she has suffered these past two years. She deserves to be at rest.

So, please everyone, keep us in your prayers.

Mommabert: Congratulations on your new little grandson, Josh. As Sherry said, I am sure you are happy about his being named after your precious son. You will have so much fun with him. The time will be bittersweet sometimes, I am sure, but the joy he will bring to you will help to heal your heart.

To everyone-- you are all in my prayers every morning..you all accompany me to work, did you know that? You all climb into my van with me every day, and give me strength to get through another day. Thank you all so much.

love and peace to all of you...Carol MIKESMOMRS

Dear MIKESMOMRS

I think all can relate to your emotions on this six month date and it seems that if you blink it will be one year. My son James will be gone one year on April 20th. and it seems to have come sooo fast for me. His death still feels so new to me even after a year. It's like forever but seems like only yesterday he was here( I know that makes no sense but I can't express it any better )My heart, warm thoughts, wishes and silent prayer's go out to you, to ALL

[4everjoeysmom]

Shuugar, you've made PERFECT SENSE! I feel exactly the same way.

[daveydow1]

Mikesmom,

Your mentioning "seems like ages ago, yet only yesterday"

is so very understandable. I feel it all the time, even

though I am heading toward my son's 4th angel day in June.

I believe that ALL people who are on this sad journey can

relate to your feelings. Peace be with you always.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[angels4me]

Good Morning Friends, and Mom's of Angels!

I'm so sorry that I haven't been around lately, but I've been dealing with some horrible memories & nightmares of the day my niece Tina died. I never forgot about any of you, I just had to take a break from the board in order to deal with the flashbacks of her death, and find some way to get through the horrible feelings, and the sickness that I carried within myself.

It's been 6 years since that day that my sister (Tina's mom) and I made that 45 minute drive out to the Hospital where they had taken her after she collapsed at the gym that morning. My thoughts of "she'll be fine" and arriving to hear her say "what's all the fuss about" made the flashbacks of our arrival only to be escorted into the Hospital "Family Room" by the Hospital Clergy, and going into see her behind that curtain of death was making me physically sick to my stomach. It wasn’t so much the things that I could remember from that day that bothered me, but the memories of things I saw and did that made me feel so ill, and the fact that there was nothings physically going on that would trigger these memories to resurface, that I had the most difficult dealing with. I know it’s a subject that I’ll need to discuss with my Therapist when I have my appointment with her, but until that time, I just needed to take a break from the boards, and find some ways to help myself.

I knew it had been a while since I visited with you all, but I did want to come here this morning and let you all know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I think about each one of you every day, and say a prayer that God will bless you with His Peace and Comfort. I know that many of you are dealing with the anniversary of losing your precious child, and I can totally understand the pain and sorrow that fills your heart and soul each and every day. As I stated earlier it now been 6 years since my niece passed away, but no matter how many years pass, there’s still some days that it feels like it just happened yesterday.

Well my friends I’m sorry but I will have to close for this time, but I promise to try and keep in touch. Until that time, please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers, and always remember that God and I both love ya!

LYLAS (Love Ya Like A Sister)

Peggy & angel Alex.

In Loving Memory

Alexander 10-24-84

Mom 11-12-99

Tina 12-04-00

Dad 02-28-01

[mikesmomrs]

Hi everyone: I just wanted to say this morning, that our family survived Saturday and the ceremony we had for the 14th of April, which marked 6 months since our son, Mike, left us for his eternal life. The ceremony was very small and simple, but I think it meant a lot to his children, and helps them process their terrible loss. Our “survival” was in no small part due to the many prayers and thoughts of you all. Thank you all so very much.

Shuugar: I will be thinking of you and praying for you on the 20th, as you observe the date of your son, James’, passing. Know that you are being supported with our thoughts and prayers.

Also, I think that all of our hearts are a little heavier today, as we remember all of those parents who “joined our ranks” yesterday, at the hands of the child of another parent, who actually joined our ranks, too. The terror their child inflicted on so many is so very tragic, but we must also think about that person’s parents, too, because they are suffering so much also—it doesn’t matter how you lose your child, whether they are the victim or the assailant, your suffering is the same. We know what each of those parents are going through right now, the victims’ parents, and the parents of the one (s) who committed such a terrible act. Their lives have been turned upside down and will never be the same, just as ours have been, and they need our prayers and thoughts.

Peace to all of you,

CAROL MIKESMOMRS

[julsmom]

Mikesmom, thank you for your post. I came on the board only to say, that while every day our numbers unfortunately increase, let us remember the new families that will be added due to the terrible tragedy at Virginia Tech. May all find peace, Lynda

[rhonda68]

Mikesmom, your post was very well written. I feel the same way my heartaches for all the families involved.

Also just wondering if any of you seem to have ignorant people on shoulders all the time. I dont know why I keep getting so many nasty comments.

Love you all,

Rhonda

[bokenhearted]

Carol

Well said and yes you are right it makes no difference how we lose a child it makes us parents all in the same horid boat. My heart goes out to everyone of us.

Rhonda

I am so sorry that you are still getting nasty comments. Peoples ignorance is cruel to the likes of us. I have had a little of what you are speaking of but then someone comes along... to give you heart again. As it happens I had this happen to me today. I have been a bit down as my Karl's 2nd angel date is nearly here. (25th April) But a lady whom I know casually came up to me today in town, asked if she could have a coffee with me. She then proceeded to ask me how I was faring. I was honest and told her not that well just at present. She was so caring and before I knew it I was pouring out my feelings to her. I don't do this easily with people I don't know that well but she just had this way about her that made me open up. She didn't say a lot but what I am getting at is she just had the kindness to listen to me and offer her understanding and didn't try to change the subject. God bless her because it has helped me get through this day a little easier. So Rhonda I hope that somewhere out there you happen to find someone like I did today. As for these people who are so unkind to you... who knows they could one day be in our shoes and maybe then they will come to be more caring people. All I know is if this happens I bet I could place a bet that you would be one of the first people to offer a caring word. You just remember we are here caring for you.

Jo

[momgran]

Hello my dear friends: I have been absent from here for a while. I have finally completed my website, my tribute to my darlings at www.pippaandkieran.com and I have been overwhelmed with the most touching, loving emails! I am so very blessed to have so many caring people in my life. When we suffer a tragedy like this all the 'good' souls appear around us to offer their love and support. I only hope I have the strength to be there for them when, and if, they need me.

Mikesmom: I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. How lonely you must feel without her loving support. I'm also sorry that your daughter-in-law is having such a difficult time but I know that 'moving on' will help in time. Sounds like you had a lovely service for your Mike. It will be 6 months for us on April 22, a Sunday as well. I've had a relatively calm few weeks but I can feel the emotion building and little triggers hitting on a daily basis so I know another tsunami is on it's way. I must say I am feeling a little stronger as the days go by, but nothing will ever fully fill this void that losing those precious children have left in my heart.

Mommabets: CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of you dear little grandson, Josh. What a joy he must be in your life! Such beauty and innocence and what a lovely namesake for your dear son. I wish you all many happy days together.

Shuugar: I will be thinking of you and your Angel, James on April 20th. I hope you find some peace in your memories and the pain doesn't overshadow this day for you.

Jo: God's Lent Child...had me in tears. How poignant and very true. I am starting to learn to 'celebrate' and rejoice in the precious years I was blessed by their lives. They have made me who I am today...without their beauty and joy in this life, I would not have the strength and peace of mind I have throughout this horrible ordeal.

Angels4me: I hope you are able to work through your awful nightmares and can come to some peace. With time, those visions will be replaced with happy memories, but in the meantime I pray that you have strength to get through this difficult time.

My heart, too, goes out to all those parents who lost their children in this horrible shooting incident. Such a tragic waste of precious lives. And to the parents of the boy responsible. All will have to travel this dreadful journey of grief, and although they will never 'get over' this tragedy, I hope one day they will find some peace.

I'm sorry if I haven't addressed you all but unfortunately I leave it too long between visit, but my heart is with you all and I will you:

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[briansdad]

I haven't been here for a while.Thought I might drop in and say tomorrow is Brian's third birthday in heaven.He would have been 27.I still miss him like the first days but I can think of the memories and smile.It can be a little scary to think that a person can learn to live with this but I guess is shows how resilient people can be.For the new people ,please have faith because you can survive. It's not what any of us wants to do but you can.With the help of many of the wonderful people here it can be done.

Peace to all here

I miss ya B

Love Dad

[mommabert]

we need to except people who say dum things . they cant know what to say because they dont know the pain we fell. they have not lost a child . before i lost my josh. i would ask the same kinds of questions. are you alright? call if you need anything. i am kind happy i do know some people who have not had to walk this path. dont take me wrong it does bother me . they try to comfort us but dont know how. i remember comming here to ask how to help my friend who lost her daughter shorty after my son.i found the help i needed. my heart goes out to you all. momma bert

[daveydow1]

Hello to all at BI,

Suugar,

My prayers are with you on this day---your dear son's

angel day. May you find peace and comfort in some way.

Briansdad,

Good to see your post. Thank you for the encouraging

words. I pray you found some tranquility and comfort

on your dear son Brian's birthday in heaven.

May God Bless him, and each and every one of our angels there.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

Shuugar--I also am thinking of you today. It's pouring rain as I sit here and write. I can't help but feel that it doesn't begin to amount to the tears in all of our hearts. God bless you. Hugs, Claudia

[shirleybjsmom]

Hello Briansdad,

Haven't been on for awhile and was sorry i missed Brians 3rd anniversary in heaven hard to believe the time that goes by. On sat.28th will be a year and a half since BJ'S passing lots of things are taking place right now would like to share them if you want to know. just wanted to let you know i think of how you and other caring parents like yourself are doing.

Take care

Shirley

[4everjoeysmom]

Brian's Dad, Brian was the same age as Joey when Joey passed last year--actually Joey was a week from turning 24. I know what you mean about "learning" to live with this. It's exactly how I have been trying to cope--learning to live in a new identity. In talking with some dear friends I realized that a big part of that process is learning to live outside of not only who Joey was and is in my life, but also how Joey made me feel. I was his "mommy", even at 24. I have a son Patrick one year younger that Joey. He is so independent, and we're very close, but I miss that feeling of being "needed". My life has become very quiet, despite that it is also a very full life. All of this is a learning process. I'm so sorry you have been in that learning process too. I have yet to reach 1 year. I can't quite imagine three. Thank you for sharing Brian's heaven birthday. Joey is there too. I am imagining they are very good friends. Do you have a web site for Brian or a place where I could see a photo? Peace and blessings to you and your family, Claudia--4everJoeysmom

[rhonda68]

Briansdad thinking of you, thank you for sharing. It has just been a little over 2 years since I lost my 19 year old son. My life has been a real mess over these past 2 years but I keep trying. I find just as I am starting to brave a little better someone comes along to knock you flat down my self confidence has been so low since this happened.

Mommabert, I wasn't talking about those kind of comments those dont even bother me now. I am talking about; I started a Compassionate Friends group here in my town and someone from the town come up and asked me if I just want to be a mother of a dead son. Those kind of comments just tick me off and make me feel very low because then I think everyone is talking about me this way. At Christmas time I was feeling down I was told to get over it already. I have been told to just go kill myself, quit crying that wont bring him back,ect.ect. these kinds of comments that I really can not take or put up with!!! I have never been so ignorant to anyone in my whole life.NEVER!

[rhonda68]

Martina Mcbride- Anyway

You can spend your whole life buildin’

Something from nothin

One storm could come and blow it all away

Build it anyway

You could chase a dream

That seems so out of reach

And you know it might not ever come your way

Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good

And when I pray

It doesn’t always turn out like i think it should

But I do it anyway

I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy

And it’s hard to believe

That tomorrow will be better than today

Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all you heart

For all the right reasons

And in a moment they can choose to walk away

love em anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good

And when I pray

It doesn’t always turn out like i think it should

But I do it anyway

Yeah I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singin’

A song you believe in

That tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang

Sing it anyway

Yeah sing it anyway

I sing

I dream

I love anyway

This is a song I listen to everyday by Martina Mcbride, it really helps me, as it makes alot of sense. Just hope this may help someone else.

Richardsmom

[Guest Guest]

Dear Ashley's mom,i just read your post and you mentioned dreaming about Ashley,i have only had 2 dreams about Nate, and i so wish i would have another dream,i miss him so much ,i would love to see his beautiful smile again,I am glad you had your dream about ashley,i know they are few and far between...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[philipsmom]

Rhonda, I just heard that Martina McBride song the other day and I loved it. It made me feel a little better also. Thanks for sharing with the group. I'm so sorry for those nasty remarks people are making toward you. Those are some doosys. I hope you can find people in your life that will be more compassionate. How is your Compassionate Friends group going?

Hugs,

Nancy, Philip's mom

[Guest Guest]

Hi, this is the first time I've been on this site. Everyone's postings have touched my heart. We lost our son, Christopher, June 17, 2005. Two days before his 26th birthday. Not a day goes by that we don't ache for him. I liked how you all refer to that day as their angel day. This year Chris' 2nd angel day will fall on Father's Day, we are already angonizing over it. Our daughter's birthday is June 21st, 2 days after Chris'. We are having a very hard time making her day special when we are all in so much pain. Nate's Mom and Ashley's mom mention dreams, I wish I could have one, I sometimes think it would help.

Does anyone feel like they are faking life? That's how I refer to it. People look at me strange when I say that, but that's how I feel.

Well I'm going to try to post this.

Roxane, Chris' Mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Rhonda, I too find it so hard to believe that people can think and say such apalling and ridiculous things. They obviously cannot imagine our pain or our loss. That's a good thing for them! I'm so sorry such cruel statements have come your way. I imagine people may have thought those things of me as well, but I am grateful no one has actually said so... It isn't a matter of "just wanting to be a mother of a dead son". We have no choice, and we are mom's and dad's who HAVE LOST our children. It wasn't a dream, although I wish to God it was. People that say such things live in their own little dream world. I hope and pray they never know our reality... thus the comments of stupidity will be a reminder that they are blessed to not be suffering what we do.

Roxane, I am so sorry for you loss. I notice it happened 2 days before Chris' birthday. My Joey died 7 days before his. And lots of other parents here have lost their kids on or close to their birthdays. I have begun to wonder what the significance in that is... My son Patrick's birthday is 3 days after Joey's. We too find that an extremely difficult time to celebrate now, although we've only met that time once so far just last August. I pray for Patrick's sake that a dark cloud doesn't spoil that time in years to come. It was always such a happy time for the boys, and they usually celebrated together in some way. I don't know if I am "faking life". But I do know that I am trying to go on living a life that will never be as I knew it before. It's pretty hard to fake when everything around us is void of our lost children. That's a reality that feels like a perpetual pinch, except waking up from the dream is impossible. I'm probably rambling a little--it's just that I think each one of us here, no matter how long or short the time, knows exactly what you mean by faking life. It feels like faking, but it's too real...

Nancy, hope you're seeing some brighter days here and there, and that Willy is bringing smiles now that the potty training is done.

Love & Hugs to all! Claudia--4everJoeysMom

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I'm new here. My daughter died four weeks ago tomorrow. She was 42 and I found her dead in her bed when I came home from work. Pretty sure it was a medication mixup that killed her. Two docs not conferring with each other. Funny you should mention our children dying near their birthdays. She died two days after her birthday. Just taking one moment at a time here. Comes over me in waves unexpectedly. Other times I can pass for okay. Luckily I have a job to go to...otherwise I don't think I'd even be able to get dressed or shower in the mornings. God bless all of you. I need support badly. I went to a grief support grp two weeks ago. It meets again tomorrow. I found it helpful even though about all I could do was cry. I'm planning on going to Compassionate Friends in a week or so. Nice to meet you. Let me hear from you.

Jan B.

[Guest Guest]

I forgot to say I'm Jan B...."JamieLynsMom".

[briansdad]

4everjoeysmom

Here is Brian's web page link

http://brian-klocke.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[bokenhearted]

Hello Guest (JamieLynsMom)

I am so sorry that you have lost your daughter. You have come to the right place for support. We are all here for each other. It is good that you have a group to go to in your home town. You do whatever it takes to get you through each day. Be kind to yourself and most imporantly allow yourself to feel all your emotions as it is a healthy healing process. I wish I could tell you exactly what to do to ease your pain but it is different for each and everyone of us but you can be sure that all of us here will not judge you on anything you say or do. We care and listen to all.

Take care

Jo

(Karl's Mum)Karl was 27 when he died and it will be 2 years on the 25th April 2007

[bokenhearted]

to all

I noticed that some of you mentioned how close birth dates and death dates happen. My son was born on 22/3/1978 and died 25th/4/2005. One day I was wandering in the cemetery and taking particular note of dates and time and time again our loved ones have departed this world very near to their birth date. I do truely feel that there is significanse in this. Not sure what it is but it has happened so often.

It also takes me back to the night my mother died. The night my Mum passed a little baby was born in the same hospital and I don't know why but the thought popped into my mind... what if reincarnation were true? Maybe that baby had my Mum's spirit now. I sometimes wonder about reincarnation as why do so many of us have these feelings of having been somewhere before even when you know that you have never visited this place, or something being said.... you know what they are going to say before they utter the words. This has happened to me many times in my life. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Sorry if this sounds a bit strange but I find it a very interesting topic .

Jo

[janeensmom]

Hi everyone...I just wanted to say that my life feels like a big fat lie right now too...I can't beleive the insensitivity some people have. It is surely obvious that they have never lost anyone much less a child. Janeen left this earth one month before her 34th birthday and not a single hour has gone by that I don't think of her and miss her sweet smile. It has been one year, three months and five days...One of the issues I am having is where are all those people who said "I will be here for you ". I feel like I have to pretend everything is OK when the fact is I am suicidal and don't want this pain anymore. God why have you forsaken me? What good comes out of this horror? If it is to comfort another who has lost a child my question is why do children die God...why? I can't comfort others when I myself am not comforted. My life is in shambles, I never want to know this pain...It just keeps getting worse. I have to pretend it didn't really happen some days just so I can get through it. I am so sorry for everyones loss and was wondering if anyone else feels like I do. Just needed to vent, thank you....Vikki

[rhonda68]

janeensmom,

I too feel alot like you said in your postings. Everyone is there at first it is so very overwhelming and then 2 days later you have no one left. I have been very lonely after the last 2 years, tired of incencitive comments from others, and lots of suicidal thoughts as I am tired of living with the pain as well. I am trying to fiqure out a new me but it has been really hard. What helps me alot is trying to help others and then I get so pulled down I can't help anymore. Also one thing I have been doing that helps me a great deal is going to church. "WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT, YOU FIND OUT GOD IS ALL YOU NEED!" I like the verse, found out that is so true. If you read Job in the bible I am sure we could all relate with him. Job has really helped me as well, so he had a great purpose in this world. I will pray for you janeensmom and you will be in my thoughts. Please take good care of yourself.

Richardsmom

[mikesmum]

Reading through the last post about people and their insensitivity and the things they may say. Mike died 4 months ago. At the time I was working as an Emergency Medical Dispatcher. The company I worked for had no protocol in place for what happens when an employees family member dies during a call to 000 (911).

I returned to work 1 month after his death for two days. I have not returned since. My company decided to be \'pro active\'. They had a workshop for employees on how to deal with the grieving staff member. I apparently traumatised people by showing up at work unannounced. They didn\'t know what to say or how to approach me. I had emailed my manager and gave him a heads up the week before I returned.

A part from flowers and a card after he dided no one from the company staff or management had contacted me. I put in a claim for Post Traumatic Stress which has been denied. They say I am no more distressed than any other mother who has lost a child. And in away they are right. I am no more devestated lost or emotionally destroyed than anyone I have read on this and other sites at Beyond Indigo. But I was working when my son\'s call came in and stayed with my teammates to assist in his over the phone resus. My husband was his Intensive Care Paramedic on the day and it was his job to cease the resus when all had failed. The silly stuff I get from people is along the lines of \'you have much to live for\', you have another son who loves you, you have a great daughter who worries about you, your husband loves you very much. All these things I know to be true, but somewhere, somehow my receptors in life have gone askew. After 4 months the comments are \'when are you going back to work?\' How are you managing financial with one income? Are you keeping yourself busy? - I now have a new title - the mother of the deceased - it was given to me the day Micheal died by the police on scene. I was in uniform but wasn't a paramedic or police officer. The well meaning but insensitive female police officer said 'oh you must be the mother of the deceased'.

I have little energy to follow the advice or to enjoy those thing left in my life. I still seek my new normal in my life. I know what I have to live for, it surrounds me everyday. I guess I am not ready to'move on with my life' as so many suggest...

Blessed be to those who are lost, to those who still struggle...I am with you trying to find my way.

[daveydow1]

Roxanne,

I am sorry for your loss of your dear son,Chris. Yes, I

know what you mean when you say sometimes you feel like

you are "faking life". I have felt the same, many times.

My son, Dave, died 4 yrs. ago, June 14, 2003 in a highway

crash. I guess we have to "fake it" sometimes just to keep

going in a world that seems to forget our loss so quickly.

Here at BI, we get a lot of input that helps immensely.

That's because everyone understands--firsthand. Please come

back to BI and read/post whenever you feel the need.

Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

To Jan B.,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter,

JamieLyn (what a lovely name). It is so early on

that there is probably nothing anyone can say that could

make you feel in less pain. I pray that in time,

you will feel a little stronger. The pain will

always be there, but coming to BI to vent and to

express your pain may help, because everyone here

would like to help if we can. I am nearly 4 yrs.

on this journey, and have found BI to be a lifeline.

Peace & prayers.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[4everjoeysmom]

Brian's Dad, I visited Brian on the web today. What a wonderful and beautiful tribute to your son. My Joey loved to go fishing too...

Jan B, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. For all of us it's all we can do to keep breathing and puttingone foot in front of the other. I pray we all can find moments of peace, comfort and love in the memories of our precious children...

[rhonda68]

Mikesmum, sorry for the loss of your son. This is such a very hard painful journey we are all on. Its only been 4 months take as much time as you need. Its alot to deal with, I am still not functioning to well. Its been 2 years since the loss of my son, I have been at work and then off again a couple of times just cant cope. I am realizing that I need to find a different job as the comments at work have been very harsh to me I need to get away from those people. I have a job interview today please pray for me that I get this and learn to live a new normal. Love all of you here.

Richardsmom

[shuugar]

Hi everyone...I just wanted to say that my life feels like a big fat lie right now too...I can't beleive the insensitivity some people have. It is surely obvious that they have never lost anyone much less a child. Janeen left this earth one month before her 34th birthday and not a single hour has gone by that I don't think of her and miss her sweet smile. It has been one year, three months and five days...One of the issues I am having is where are all those people who said "I will be here for you ". I feel like I have to pretend everything is OK when the fact is I am suicidal and don't want this pain anymore. God why have you forsaken me? What good comes out of this horror? If it is to comfort another who has lost a child my question is why do children die God...why? I can't comfort others when I myself am not comforted. My life is in shambles, I never want to know this pain...It just keeps getting worse. I have to pretend it didn't really happen some days just so I can get through it. I am so sorry for everyones loss and was wondering if anyone else feels like I do. Just needed to vent, thank you....Vikki

VIKKI

I do often feel very very much the same way you seem to be feeling now. The crying out from deep within your sole, the trying to understand or make some sort of sense out of this life we're living, the pain that works it's way out from inside your chest until you just can't stand it anymore and want to scream . The hurt gnawing at every part of you being. Your question to God has been asked by many holy er than thou .It is reasonable. We are only human tied to our emotions and these are the ties that bind. I do believe there is no greater bond than that bond between parent and child. Anything happens to are children it feels like it happened to us. I think if any one of us could have taken their place and let them live on we would have, It's the helplessness and the disorder of things

Thank you all for your prayers on April 20th. (my sons 1st yr. in Heaven) It rained for a short time hear also in fact it hailed for a time and only where I live !! I chose to take it as a sign also of tears, His tears. I'm sure he miss' us too.

MY family brought flowers and beautiful plants, notes to him and candles that we put around his urn. He was an avid cowboys fan so I got 2 helium filled balloons, cowboy colors and we all wrote a message to him on them. We had a nice meal and just before midnight we released the balloons. I think we honored that day the best we could.

Having been through all the firsts now I was hard pressed to know exactly how to honor that horrible day, All the other firsts occasions were associated with happy memories that are so missed but this first was a time one wishes never happened.

Heartfelt hugs to all

Shuugar

[christophermom]

I am so greatful I have not experienced the insensitive comments. My coworkers have been wonderful.

I am still struggling with what to say when I meet new people or perfect strangers and they ask how many children do I have. The first time I was asked I froze and said one. Our daughter was with me and she froze and looked at me surprised when I said one. As soon as I said it I all but burst into tears. Since then I've told people I have two. If they then go on asking more, how old are they what do they do, etc. I go on with the story and say Chris is 27, and Natalie is 29. They say oh so they're both out of the house already...I say "Yes" I figure I'm not lying and it just seems to be easier for me.

We too did the balloon release. Chris' girl friend came and all his friends. We had markers for people to write a message to Chris if they wanted to. Several did. Our daughter wrote a letter to her brother and had it put in the balloon at the store before it was filled with helium. His friends also invited us to their favorite hang out and did a toast on his birthday. My husband gets alot of comfort from being around Chris' friends, but for me its very hard being around them.

Chris'was a certified Microsoft technician, one of his largest customer's invited him up to his lake house on the Lake of the Ozarks to set up a wireless network for him. Chris' girl friend came with so they could make a week-end out of it. His client took them out on his boat and was showing off going what were told was close to 100 mph. Something happened and the boat took a sharp turn and Chris was ejected out of the boat. It was over 24 hours before they found him. The boat sank but the driver and his girl friend were picked up from a passing boat before it totally sank. I can feel the pain of what the parents of the Virginia Tech parents, the unbeilf, the knowing but not knowing and hoping its not real.

The grief isn't the end of it. The dynamics of the entire family are changed for ever. Our daughter has full panic attacks if her new husband has to go out of town. She's so scared he won't come home like Chris didn't.

I've rambled on enough.

Chris' Mom

[4everjoeysmom]

Chris's Mom, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you struggle with now--that we all here struggle with now. It is very hard in conversation when people as about my children. I usually answer that I have two son's, Patrick who is 23 and Joey who we lost last year at 24 and he now lives in Heaven. That seems to either bring nice, sympathetic comments or silence. I too am thankful I haven't heard too many insensitive comments... Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Richardsmom - Wish you well with the interview. May it be the first stepping stone in building your new normal. I know that the road is long and the direction is not always clear but while I still have Micheal in my heart and mind I will continue to strive for some kind of something.

[kathy714]

Hi,i haven't been on much lately,but i have read a lot of good things tonight,i also noticed how so many kids pass away on or near their birthday's probally because Nate passed away on his,i always notice the dates.Also to address the subject of people saying insensitive things,i was pretty lucky,where i work they were really understanding,except when i was do to go back,they just put me on the schedule,but no one called me to let me know,so when the night came and i didn't show,they called to see where i was,and i told them i was coming back til the end of the month,and i don't think that went over to well...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda, i am sorry you are having a hard time,i want to wish you luck with applying for your new job,i hope everything works out.I am having a lot of problems with my job now,all new bosses,to many new rules,i don't know how much longer i can hang in there.I also started going to church,i work Sat nights,so i go right from work,i find it very peaceful..T/C you will be in my thoughts and prayers.Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[Guest Guest]

Hello--I am new here. I am still grieving the loss of my son, Matt. He was killed on his way to work by a drunk driver Feb. 17th 2005. He had just been to my house to drop off his little boy, Brandon, for me to babysit 35 minutes before the accident happened. So I guess, other than his passenger, Brandon & I were the last 2 people to see him before it happened. Two years have passed and it still doesn't seem REAL. Two years have passed and the pain hasn't lessened. Does it ever get any better?? Matt was my oldest son. I have one son left, Jeremy. Due to some family troubles, Jeremy won't have anything to do with me and I haven't seen him since last October. So for all intents and purposes I feel like I lost both of my children. I get so depressed.

[4everjoeysmom]

Matt's Mom, I am so sorry for your pain. I wish none os us had to go through what we are going through. And I wish for you that things weren't so estranged with Jeremy. That makes it so much harder for you to heal. I don't think the pain of our loss will ever go away. The edge may be blunted over time. I come from a Christian view that helps me to realize Joey knew the Lord and is living in Heaven. But even with that knowing and the hope of reuniting again one day, I still find great sadness and deep grieving for myself here in this life. It's because of the very un-natural order of losing a child. No one expects to outlive their children. I too have one younger son. He is very indpendent, and our relationship is strong. But I live very far away from him and don't get to see him but maybe once a year if I'm lucky and can afford it. Actually the last time I saw Patrick was last August when we held Joey's memorial service. It's very hard to be so removed from my family--even though it's by choice. I live in S America as a missionary. I say that and sometimes wonder how is it that I don't I feel better than I do? I'm serving God and people, and though it's fulfilling, I still grieve and cry and wonder sometimes how in the world am I supposed to continue like this? I think it's just the nature of a mother's heart who has lost her child. Even though there may be other children, our lives are changed and there's no going back. And while many of us go on to seek our new normal, it never feels soft because of the memories we carry that make our new lives in comparison so hard. It's a catch 22 sometimes. And I often ask God how in the world does He expect and require me to learn and grow in this? I mean I can reach out to others and help, but there must be more to why I have to endure this. I guess that's where I am--continually seeking the "how's". I don't ask "why" anymore. I just ask "how".

What does make me feel better is to come here and visit friends, and to share our hearts, the good and the bad. Because though we've never dreamed or asked to be part of this club, we are all now bonded commonly in our grief and pain. We wish this on no one, but it helps to know we are not alone and we can always reach out to our friends here. It's ups and downs like I never imagined, and journeying with others helps me to recognize myself in the times when I look in the mirror and just see a starnger staring back. I hope by visiting here you feel the love and support of others as well. God bless, Claudia

[momgran]

Mikesmomrs-Carol: I can't tell you how touched I was to read your entry in the Guestbook in my Garden of Memories, my babies' website www.pippaandkieran.com. How very thoughtful of you to leave your 'footprint' and everything you say rings so very true in my heart. All we have left here on earth are the memories, so very precious and I am 'working' really hard towards the day that these memories will not incite such pain in my heart. I have a dear friend who lost her son 5 years ago and she counselled me not to spend too much time in the early days, poring over photos and momentos because it could be too painful and weaken my heart. But I have found this exercise to be quite cathartic, allowing me to confront my pain and in time I am finding viewing the momentos of their lives less excruciating and a little more joyful. I suppose we all have to deal with our grief in whatever way we can, to muddle through and keep our sanity by doing what works for us, and not what others think should work for us. I am finding the outside world is where most of the triggers hit me..walking past the hospital where Kieran was born, walking into Pippa's favourite stores...watching Moms and Daughters walking arm in arm...young mothers and grandmothers with their toddlers...seeing a Spiderman billboard...accidently tuning in to "Dora the Explorer". These are the things that catch me off guard and pierce my heart but I go out, despite this, in the hopes that most of the bombs in this minefield will have been detonated one day! I wish you joy and peace as you create your website, your tribute to your dear boy, Mike. I know this project will make you feel that you're doing something creative, mentally stimulating and also allowing you to retrace your son's footsteps in this life. God Bless.

Briansdad: I visited your Garden of Memories and what a beautiful, sensitive tribute you've created to honor you precious son, Brian. I loved the Vic Frankl quote....brought me to tears. The ...unfinished symphony...was a particularly touching analogy. Your words, that you are able to 'enjoy' the memories now, offers hope to those who have recently become 'bereaved parents' and are completely incapable of seeing any light in the long days that stretch ahead in their lives without their children.

Claudia: I can very much identify with the "hows" at this stage of my journey. The minister who couselled us the day before our babies' funeral told us to 'Grieve with your hearts, not with your heads. There are no 'whys'. It was an accident." These words have helped me through some of my darkest hours, when the 'why's' and 'what if's' caused me hours of anger and frustration. Thank God, I've got beyond that now, just more than 6 months from that dreadful day of the accident that took those two precious souls. Like you, I have my moments when I think, 'How do I proceed from here? How can I be a happy, life affirmative, faithful, hopeful, loving human being in the days ahead?" I'm finding that being grateful for everything that is good in my life is very very important in the healing process. I'm also forgiving myself for having moments when I'm enjoying life and not totally focused on my babies because I realise I cannot focus on my beloved family, friends and activities if I'm totally wrapped up in my grief. I'm also learning that bitterness and regrets will not only harm my healing, but will dishonor my babies' memories. They truly would want me to be a 'whole' person and get and give whatever happiness I can out of this life. In the earliest days, the negative emotions are a given and we have to give ourselves permission to feel and express these emotions, because only then can we come to terms with them, and their futility, and move on. I am also giving myself permission to ride the waves of grief as they come, and I'm grateful that the pain is softening around the edges. I have days when I can cry at the drop of a hat, but I'm not curled up for hours in blinding agony. If I do have a day like that in the future, I know I"m strong enough to deal with it.

JanB: My heart goes out to you on the recent loss of your dear daughter. You are doing the right thing, reaching out for support because the crushing grief that you are feeling cannot and should not, be endured alone. We are here for you to vent, without being concerned that you're 'saying the right thing'. There are no judgements here...just hearts that share your grief and want to help you heal along with the rest of us in this sad 'club'.

I'm sorry for not responding to all of your postings but please believe me when I say your words are so very valuable to me in my personal healing and I can't thank you all enough for sharing.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[rhonda68]

It was very nice to hear from you Kathy, I know I don't know you but you feel like my best friend as you have joined this group about the same time as me. I am so sorry to everyone here, this is a terrible painful journey please know I am here for all of you.

Richardsmom

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i too feel like you are a good friend,i remember when we both began this journey,although i can't believe it's been 2 years because this pain never leaves,i think it changes somewhat,but i still miss Nathan so much and i feel my life will never be completly full again,there is always that feeling of something missing,no matter how many people i have around,it's like i still feel lonely,because the person i want will never be here again,i always have that empty feeling.I thank god for all the wonderful people that i met here and for all the supporti have recieved from everyone here in the last 2 years,...T/C YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever