Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

YIKES.......snow for my Wisconsin BI friends !    So far none here, but it is quite cool and

have had rain showers today...sometimes heavy.

 

Susan----I agree with what your screen print said about seemingly being in both worlds

when one is grieving the loss of a beloved child/children. Thanks for posting it.

 

Cherry---Good to see your post, and Kylie's sweet smile.

 

Dee----I expect your weather will move in our direction......I'm so not ready for cold

weather. Got a flue shot the other day.  I know they don't always prevent flu, but

I've been able to escape it more often than not, with the flu shot.  Husband will be

getting his at the VA soon.  He used to never get them, but was encouraged to get

it by the DRs. at the VA, so last season they gave him the shot, and he escaped

getting sick with the flu.  I know not everyone subscribes to flu shots.....and that

it is a personal decision to make, though. Each must decide for themselves & their family.

 

Wishing   everyone   peace, and  a good night's  sleep  tonight.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry       

 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky, I'm sorry I missed posting yesterday. I thought of you and of Jared. Sending prayers for comfort. I know you and your family have had so much. I hope you're able to rest some.

I can't seem to stay caught up right now but I get on and read when I can. Thank you for thinking of me and my boys. I think of you all daily.

Things are hard right now. I'm tired a lot. I know some of it is the stress I'm under with family and business issues but most of it is grief, plain and simple. I miss my Trista beyond words and everyday, for as long as I'm here, I think. I will just want her back.

I had the depositions last week for our court case. It was hard hard hard. I have no words for it right now. I started have nightmares again in the days leading up to it.

This second year has brought me to new places along this path of mine. The anger that occasionally reared it's head in that first year has now become a constant companion. I can find any number if things to be angry about right now (most of them justified) but I know in my heart what my anger is really about and I just have to work through it. I've found the manic dance I found myself in during the first year and slowed. I'm just so exhausted. I find myself thinking 'what's the point' so often about so many things.

My boys continue to be the light in my world along with my Girl who's light I will always carry. The boys are doing well. The three of us are settling in to a new routine the best we can.

My PTSD continues to be a struggle especially now that I'm on my own but I'm dealing with that the best I can.

I'm hoping to catch up on reading soon and hoping to be more active here again. I need this place and miss you all.

[Mermaid Tears]

It just seems so unreal.....my friends are getting snow....and you have the 'cold and rain'.....we got a tiny little norther...and it is in the low 80's ...high 70's....and no humidity.....very nice.....I need to go and work in my yard...this has been a piddling day....my son, Jesse, turned 40 today....seems such a short time ago when he was placed in my arms and heart...there was much trouble and rumbling in the background...but it seemed I had waited all my life for that baby to be placed within my arms...that is just how I felt with all the births of my children...one of those 'it had to happen'....moments....

 

I have been piddling...and thinking....when we are placed on this grief journey....we really are stripped of survival mode...there is simply no force to push you onward.....but there is 'some force' that leads you...as if you are being led through room after room....I seem to be in deep thinking...

[ptlhal063]

Mermaids Tears,

That's very accurate....the way you described being on the grief journey. That's exactly how I feel, and from what I tell, my son and daughter in law as well.

I'm not sure how to feel about family/friends who have disappeared. For whatever their reason. Don't know what to say, how to say. Don't want to get too close so it doesn't effect them.

It feels like being kicked when you're down.

I like the weather change. I'm so ready for fall. It windy, rainy & chilly today. I never had an issue with gray days, like some do. I love dramatic skies.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

[tobyfreefoot]

THANKS LAURIE!  Forest's birthday is January 30th, 1983

 

 

Becky i am always a day late and a dollar short

[Mermaid Tears]

Tess....I wish I had taken a count of all the parents that have posted on this site their heartbreak in losing a child...then...to be heartsick of family and friends that seem to scatter to the winds...

     It is a kind of betrayal....and it hurts....

 

I think it comes from another direction from those that aren't 'there'.....(instead of indifference and not caring)

   I truly think it comes from ignorance....

the other 'real' reason is until you have lost a child....there just isn't anything that can come close to that kind of grief...

and I do think that some are just scared to come close.....

 

That is why we tell 'new ones'...to 'self care'....take care of yourself...

 

Come to this site and let us know how sad...crazy....mad...your day is going....for we all walk in your shoes...

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....good to hear from you....we all think of you....we all know your plate is piled even higher these days with another load of responsibility on your shoulders....and we all hope you are getting support....from family and friends...

 

You and the boys will now have a chance to get some structure and routine in your lives....without the chaos....coming from all directions...

 

Many on this site have posted how they need their 'alone' time even more....for me....it is to recharge my faith batteries...and to keep my balance on this grief path....

 

Your anger is very normal.....in fact, I would think if your anger did not bubble up....you would be acting abnormal....it is a catalyst....grief has so many shades....forms...emotions...colors.....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

Gretchen.....went to the football game last night...was looking through the program and saw this photo....

   it 'resembles' your Forrest.....

 

 

 

And Wade....our son, Jeremy sent us this photo.....he and Brooks 'resemble' each other.....

 

or....that is just the way I see people....

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...how are you doing....how is your Mom ?

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Just wanted to thank all of you for remembering Jared, early, on time, or late, so much appreciated. Today, I have slept off and on most all day, just totally exhausted. I think bringing myself to write that letter about/to Jared was very hard, but being able to share it was good, as often I have thought to myself "if people only knew", and so now some do, and most everyone has been very supportive, only one that told me in so many words that I needed to move on. That's among my friends that knew me, or thought they did from before...

 

Yesterday we went to the cemetery and took Jared's urn with us, and it's the first time that all of him, between the buried small box of his ashes at the site, and his urn (which stays in our living room),  and our necklaces, were all together in one place. We drove his restored Mustang, and I held "him", his urn' in my lap, and we cranked up the tunes he had on his ipod,which plugs into the car radio,  and went and took lots of pictures there, even one with the urn in the driver's seat, and my daughter, Jasmine commented that he was too 'short' and we'd have to get him a booster seat. Does anyone else have this morbid sense of humor? We only let loose with our silly thoughts like that when it's just us.

 

Then, last night we went down to the spot on the road where he was killed, and took some pics there, and placed a solar hummingbird by the sign we have there, as it was too windy to light and release the paper lanterns that I intended to do.  We lit a candle at home, and one at the cemetery.

 

Just a while ago, my daughter woke me up and took me up to her room so she could do a pedicure, which she does at least every other week. She keeps my fingers and toes looking good. Being diabetic, it is good to have someone paying attention to my feet. Jared used to rub my feet and told me he would never let me lose my toes or feet. Jasmine now feels like it is her responsibility to take over for him.

 

Thank you all, once again, and Susan, I see the likeness in those photos, that's amazing.

 

I will attach a couple of pics for those of you that can't access the facebook album.

 

https://www.facebook.com/jdaras05/media_set?set=a.4656254581762.1073741842.1755288865&type=3

 

 

My husband, Jerry.

My daughter, Jasmine.

Jasmine and I holding "JARED"

Our plot. (The frat shield brought for this occasion, normally in Jared's room. 

"JARED" in the driver's seat.

Jasmine & I.

Jasmine & Jerry.

Me holding "JARED". 

 

 Last night with the naked eye at dusk by Jared's sign, adjacent where he fell on 10-3-11.

Jasmine standing next to his sign to show visibility at 7:16pm, The actual crash in 2011 was 2 or 3 minutes earlier.

 On our way home (headlights on) at almost 7:20pm, 6 or 7 minutes later than the crash was on 7-3-11. 

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Becky ..our Warrior..Mom....if there was anyone I wish I could jump behind...or before...the constraints...of this screen...it would be for you and yours...

of course...it  can not happen....but...of course....you know...that all on this site...are with you....

[tobyfreefoot]

susan--so nice to know "forest" jumps out at you. i see the likeness especially those squinchy eyes. so cool to have others think of our kids.  thank heavens for this group

 

beck--i have a terribly twisted humor about it all sometimes too.  mostly with my friend lynn whose child will be dead 1 year on the 9th.  sometimes we laugh until tears roll down our faces which is a relief from the other times we share tears.

 

[MissKylie]

Dear Gretchen, just want you to know that Forrest and I have the same birthday January 30th.

 

 

Laurie, Sherry..to my BI family... thanks for thinking about Kylie with me...Am praying for all our children.

 

I wonder how God can take many moms crying..as He also have a Momma..I received a text today and it came from a mother who lost his baby son and it says that :

 

 

" I don't understand this God, I want my baby to be here."  He took a deep breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.

 

"I wish I could show you , what your child is doing today. If you could see her smile, with all the other children and say.." "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much..I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.  I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.."

 

To this day, I'm scared to experience Christmas and New Year...As we lost Kylie on a New Year's day... I haven't set her free..And I'd always look at our door , waiting for her to come home, that she'd come in from school and say, "HI Mommy"...

 

 

This is really hard...Been watching Downton Abbey..and one of the lines there says, In loss,  the price of great love is great misery.

 

 

Tomorrow is gonna be Monday again..I will see my boss who always sees me as too emotional person...Am a grieving mom and I don't think it's not normal to be emotional many times...
 

Thanks for letting me share...

 

I just miss my Kylie so much...

 

 

Love lots,

Cherry

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Cherry....we all think of you and your Kylie....and you are on the first part of the grief journey....it is still a foreign land...

   When September 1st came....the first thought I had when I woke up that morning was 'dread'....I so dread the holiday season ahead....it has been so hard the last two years..and I think I just was on 'robot'....for all I did was by habit...and...also...I know in every fiber of my body...and all my lucid thoughts...that we just can't 'STOP'....we can't all fall down ....close the doors and windows....

  and I don't want my other children to think that 'John David' was the ONLY child I loved.....

no.....he is just the only child that died....

    and we have to be here and move forward and embrace all that is good and nice and beautiful....and be grateful for the blessings we do have...

    Yes...yes...yes....we know that....

so all of us will find a way to have that 'faith the size of a mustard seed' to help us ...

    With all that said....it is still so darn hard.

Of course you are still 'emotional'.....don't let anyone criticize..or put a time or define.....how you grieve...your grief is as unique as Kylie was and still is  ...unique...

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...Sherry....Kate...Carol.....and the many that have been on this site for so long....a question...

 

I really am having a hard time in thinking about the holiday 'season' that is approaching....I have higher anxiety this year...even more than the last two.....

   the last two years...it seemed as if it all 'sprang up out of nowhere'.....

maybe because I was in such a 'grief fog'....

but ..this year...I am very aware ....

 

when did the 'holiday season' stop being a 'dread'....how did you approach it into the 3rd year....

any words of wisdom will be appreciated...

[SamDsmom]

Just want to say hi to everyone. have been reading and want to respond but we are in the mountains so in and out of service. I'll try more later.

I see a common anxiety of the holidays. I agree with Susan about being numb last year and I too am beginning to dread them. We lost Sam on September 21, his BD is Dec. 4 so it all comes at once.

Today has been a rough one. I am thinking of everyone and will try again later.

Debbie

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, the reason you are having this anxiety regarding the holidays is that the initial pain has now worn off ... your worst fear has become an in your face reality. It won't disappear. It will not fade. But it will become manageable as each year passes. We can talk as much as we need too. But we need to force ourselves to be as strong as possible. Take each and every resource available and use it to help us to forage on. Each one of us has our own personal supports.  Holidays for me are dreaded even now after almost five years. I dread it because Jeff was an important part of what made those special days just that..."special".  Starting new traditions is not easy. But as much as his physical presence is no longer here I will always carry him close in my heart and particularly on those special days. Ross and I choose to personally do a few things to bring his presence and his memory forward at that time.  By doing so we feel somewhat more positive that we are honoring his memory and knowing he would be pleased that we are doing this for him. all I can offer is that you are not alone as you have seen on the site. We help to carry each other through our dark and difficult times. Holidays are a time to celebrate and be happy. That is why it hurts so much.  One thing that is so important to remember is that after experiencing this loss it drives home the importance of acknowledging how important each and every day is that we have. Surround yourself with your living children and family. Show them your love and appreciation and let them know that you are grateful for time spent with them! They are still here. Embrace that gift.

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

Kate, I agree with your answer and while starting new traditions is hard, it is sometimes the key to finding new meaning in the holidays. Do you have to celebrate the holidays? No. You don't have to do anything but if you choose to still mark the time, maybe change one thing, or add one thing that is new at the table or under the tree. Erica sure did love the holidays, she was a good gift giver and loved receiving gifts.So when I take a name off the tree at the local Whole Foods with a child's name on it, I reach for a girl, and I buy her things that I know make Erica say, " YES!" She and I shopped every year for kids or a family we would adopt for gift giving. Maybe have a grab bag with some family members and make it a homemade grab-bag so that you can work on something and keep yourself focused on that. You don't have to have a tree if you don't want, even if others complain, tell them that this year, no tree, just not up for it. I have put up one tree in the last 10 Christmas times, Jonathan and I went out to get one and we laughed and had fun and we got it home here and Jon helped me get it in the stand. We looked at ornaments and he said he had to go. He set up the LGB train around the tree, it was given to him when he was 2years old. Then he left, it was too much for him to see all of the oranaments that he and his Sister hung each year. I put the tree up with tears at every turn and while it was lovely, it was painful. I always took our tree down the day or two after Christmas, and would never put it up much before  Christmas either, just wanting it to be special for that short time. So on Christmas night that one year that we had a tree...it fell down all by itself. I cried and laughed and started to take everything off, wrapping all the ornaments again and putting them away. Eri was in the house, she knew that the tree was a bit too much for me.

Now that was on year 6 or 7, now we are on 11 and we have two little Grandies so??? no tree.

Maybe one day for them, but they are too  young to enjoy it and they will have one at their home anyhow. So no tree, more shopping for those in need, cooking and baking continue, I still love that. Long quiet winter walks, oh yes.

Susan, whatever you do, remember that each year it can be different until you hit upon what feels just right for that time. Working at a soup-kitchen might be the right note for the day. You can put some cards up to decorate, a bit of garland, and voila' you have done the decorating if it is something you feel is needed.

Colleen did some interesting things to get through the first few years of holidays, she can let you know about these.  Life becomes less about hard and fast traditions and more about what is blowing in the wind of our souls that year.

 

Debbie, hope that the mountains are a splendid scene of color adn beauty.

Gretchen, I see Forest in those crinkled smiling eyes too,

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Dee and Kate....thank you.

     The first year I told Daniel I was not going to put up a tree....he had this shocked look to his face....later...he told Randa what I said....she had instant tears....

   and I felt so bad....because Daniel reminded me that we are here for the living...

 

it reminded me of a time when I was little...and my Grama (Essie) wanted me to go to a funeral of some long lost cousin of her's.....and I said I didn't want to go because I didn't know her....

 Essie said...'you don't go for the dead...you go for the living'....

 

And we are to go on for the living and family...and for all that we do as tradition and habit...it carries us onward....and forward...

  I feel as if I am having a 'inner quiet tantrum'....it is almost childlike....this 'I Don't Want To Do It'....

maybe this third year is somewhat like having a 'kicking and screaming fit' as you start to travel on it.....as if someone was pushing you on a fast train to Georgia...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

My mom did not put up a tree for a long long time after my sister passed. Then she started with a small wreath on the door. Within the last 5 years or so she has put out a small tabletop tree.

 

I can say in our family nobody really missed the Christmas decor at my mom's house. We would visit my mom and dad and just do a small gift exchange and it was okay. I think as in the case that Dee mentioned with her son, it would of actually been painful to do more.

 

For myself and my family, there will be no real Christmas decor either. Some small gifts for the grandchildren and that is it. Last year we went to a Christmas program our granddaughter was in and that was enough.

 

Whatever one has to do to get through -- and whatever is right for them -- to me is what should be done. Whether you have to go away, downsize, or feel the need to keep tradition the same. Volunteering is always good if it is something that makes it better for you. Some people feel the need to totally ignore the holiday and work through it. Maybe you need to spend the day in bed. If anything, I feel to give oneself permission just to be okay with what you can personally manage at the time. It will be different for everyone and probably may change going forward. Those are my thoughts after watching my mom and being in this second time of my own child loss. No expectations here.

[shorty16]

To my friends,

For us, we left our home and spent Christmas in Florida. It was 3 years until I could wake up in my home on Christmas morning without Brian.

The holidays are still hard.

I think of this place and our angels every day.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, "Hugs". I know that the special occasions can hit hard. Jeff died on December 12th. A mere few days before Christmas. And he died at home with decorations all around. I knew that with his loss it would mark a permanent change as to how we would face all celebrations. I was in severe shock the first year. I was however determined to stay strong for those that depended on me. I knew what I had to do not to let the others down. As Jeff loved Christmas so much I determined that in order to get through it I would make it special for him. And we have. And that it what helps us to find comfort. That we are helping others to have a special day. For me it is the music. It was so much of who he was and our family. I walked around in complete silence during the holidays for three years. I still can not listen to Silent Night without tears close to the surface. When I find myself in a position of feeling uncomfortable I look for a way of exiting the situation. I do believe I have earned that right. It is so hard. But I hold close to what I find positive in my everyday life. And when things get hard I focus on those things. That is what carries me through those times. I want my granddaughters to remember these occasions with happiness  and excitement. They are far too young to understand what impact death can have on a family when a child dies at a young age. And so...we do it for Jeff. To honour his memory and keep all that was good and special about him alive. We hold firmly to the fact that we are certain that we will see him again one day... as you all will your children. Hold on firmly to your faith. Love to all, Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

A couple of pictures that were sent to me the other day by our son in Calgary. When I look at these photos I see the beauty in life more than ever. That is what keeps me going.

 

 

 

 

[hoosiermom]

Hello friends,

 

Holidays.....I am already feeling the weight of them.  I would be content to just skip them all together.  It is always a huge relief when they are over and behind me for another year.  I used to have a large tree but I gave it to my oldest daughter after she married and had their first family Christmas together.  I told her to keep it or get rid of it when she was done, I didn't much care.  A friend gave me a smaller tree and I went thru boxes of ornaments and only kept the ones that my girls made in school, or ones with their pictures on them, and threw everything else away.  I do as little shopping as I can get away with.  Last year I visited craft booths and found lots of homemade treasures for my oldest daughter, which she loved.  Youngest daughter was happy with gift cards.  They both understand what a difficult time it is for me so they don't pressure me to be happy or engage in activities that I don't feel up to doing.  Most of the time, we get together before the actual holiday, that seems to help my mood, so that on the holiday I can do whatever I feel like doing, which usually means treating it like any other day.  I wish I was able to travel and get away, but unfortunately my job prevents that as December is the end of the year and a very busy time. 

 

I do enjoy Christmas concerts though, and had a lovely time last year with my youngest daughter at a community band concert.  I guess it is because the more traditional Christmas hymns are comforting to me. 

 

I've had some well meaning friends tell me....but you have a granddaughter now!  You should enjoy the holidays with that baby.  Yes my granddaughter is so precious to me, she never fails to make me laugh and smile, and she has her own sweet spot in my heart.  But she does not fill the void left by Brianna.  This is something that just can't be explained to those who have not lost a part of themselves. 

 

My son in law reenlisted in the Navy last week--on the 50 yard line of the Notre Dame stadium.  It was such a special day for him, my daughter and grandbaby.  They were treated to a tour, visited the locker rooms and walked up thru the tunnel onto the field.  Son in law is a huge ND fan so this was just an amazing experience for him   Very proud of him, he is a now a career recruiter and will never be deployed overseas so that is a blessing.  Sharing a pic of our little ND cheerleader on the field  

 

Sending out love and light to all here....

 

Jenn, Brianna's momma forever

 

 

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Cherry, it was good to see your Kylie's smiling face the other day. I hope that things went okay with your boss who thinks your just being "too emotional". It is a rough journey and people say many thoughtless and foolish things. Most of those types of people have never had something truly life shattering happen to them -- yet.

 

Becky, thank you for sharing the special remembrance day for Jared here. Your daughter, Jasmine, looks so much more grown up in those pictures opposed to the first ones I saw of her. Very lovely young lady.

 

Dee, how are things going with the grandkids?  Are you still able to get out to the park with them before it gets too cold?

 

Jenn, I would agree that I like traditional Christmas songs the best too. Thank you for sharing the pic! It is good to see your post.

 

I often wonder  how moms and dads are getting along when I haven't seen a post for awhile. Some I know continue to read quietly. Or may have found other sources to help...Wishing those a gentleness of days and that you all are taking care of yourselves as best you can. 

 

Shannon, I am sorry that there is so much on your plate right now. I am sure that many of us, if we lived down the street, would love to come over and give you a hug and a helping hand. Is your grandma still able to help you? How is her injury she had a while back?

 

Kate, beautiful pictures of the mountains. Your grand girls are so very cute. Thank you for the reminder of hope that we will see our children again.

 

Wade, how are things with You? Wanda? Mary Ann?

 

Debbie, it was good to see your post the other day. It is hard to get service in some of those mountain areas.

 

Colleen, thanks for your ideas on coping with the holidays. I do not think we will be at home either.

 

*****************************************************

 

It has been a long few days. Last week after my husband met with the Sheriff. After that meeting I created Wanted ads and posters to place that offer a $500 reward to anyone who has tips or leads that will result in a successful arrest of the girl who ran over my son. 

 

Also last Friday, I went to two different sheriff departments in adjacent counties notifying them that these ads for the reward were going to be placed in local newspapers. (This was  very long, stressful ride for one day). The place this girl likes to hang out is in a town that is split between the 3 counties. This means only the sheriff from the particular county for that section of town is located in can make an arrest. Complex. 

 

Yesterday, I got an email from the newspaper I am working with notifying me that the Sheriff dept is putting out their own ad. I was surprised. The editor said it read very similiar to mine. I guess that might be because I had already sent mine to the Sheriff for their review this weekend. Strange. At any rate, the Rupnow Wanted Ad will run this same week as Jesse Memoriam ad. We will still place more ads if this does not work and will be posting wanted posters in local businesses as well. I had those printed yesterday as well.

 

****************************************************

Also, I have purchased the newest Eben Alexander book that was released today. I am looking forward to reading it as the days get chilly here. Quote from his book:

 

"I am the child of earth and starry heaven, but my real race is of heaven."

~From an ancient greek text on the afterlife.

Alexander, Eben (2014-10-07). The Map of Heaven: How Science, Religion, and Ordinary People Are Proving the Afterlife (Kindle Locations 24-26). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.

[SamDsmom]

Laurie,

I am so glad to hear that you are finally getting some support from the sheriff. I so hope it helps. Lately I have felt compelled to reopen my hornets nest. The last few months I told myself that it didn't matter what happened, knowing would not bring Sam back. But the last few weeks the panic attacks and crying jags are back. Especially when I hear our see a train. Not sleeping and feeling lost. I don't know if I will have any peace until I find out what happened. That woman definatly needs to take responsibility.

Susan,

I can so relate to what has been said about what we do for the living. That seems to be the only thing that has kept me going. Sometimes though I get a little resentful. I'm sure no one knows this but me, But then I feel guilty.

Kate,

The pictures are beautiful and the girls are adorable! They look so happy!

Jenn,

Love the ND cheerleader. She is so cute! I too am dreading the holidays. Last Christmas is a fog for me. Sam's birthday is December 4 so like many others here, have dates so close.

Wade,

Sam's Cheifs went the way of Brook's Vikings this week. Still love them though. I feel like that is part of Sam that he and I shared. It is so special to me.

Dee,

How's the weather. We were close to you last week. It was chilly and raining.

Cherry,

I was glad to see your post. I think if Kylie often and wonder how you are doing.

Becky,

Thank you for sharing your pictures. It looks like a beautiful day. You and Laurie are inspiration for me to some how make at least make a difference no matter how tiring, paralyzing or painful the fight.

Lora, Wanda, Sandy, Carol and everyone else, I try to keep up. Hope you are all doing ok.

For some reason, It has been hard for me to post lately. Our truck was having issues and we were stuck out in Wyoming with horrible service. But before that I think I went back into a stage of denial for awhile. I think subconsciously I refused to think about or acknowledge that Sam was gone. That's why the anniversary hit me. And it seems I've been slowly pedaling backwards. I think it is just getting easier to hide for the most part.

Thank you to everyone who is always here for us.

Debbie

[daveydow1]

Susan----Yes...the anxiety about holidays can come upon us in one degree or

another , at anytime on this journey we're on.  We did our best to have the

usual holiday decorations etc. after Lisa died years ago....as there were my

other two young elementary school children in the house. Thinking back,

I'm sure there was not  much heart that went into it at the time, but we got

through it somehow.  But, when David died, in 2003, the other kids were

grown and on their own. The first year or two after his death, we literally

skipped the holidays, so to speak. .....maybe attended church...that's all. I

believe it was about the fourth year before we felt we wanted a small Christmas

tree.  I just think that one should just go year by year, on deciding what to do

and how to have the holidays.....no matter where you are on the timeline since

losing your beloved child/children.  I say this because, one's emotional state

can vary from year to year.    As for friends/family scattering to the wind, after we

have the terrible loss......I guess we all know that it happens.  It can be surprising and hurtful when those

that we considered 'close'  seemingly drift away from us and we lose contact.

At my stage .....the feelings of sadness at having friends/family drifting away

has greatly subsided. I don't miss them anymore....it 'softens',.... I've just

accepted it in stride. I do know, though, that the hurt and sadness at this situation

is much more keenly felt in the earlier years on this journey.  Peace & comfort to you, Susan.

 

 

Becky---

Thanks for those great pics.

 

Kate-----Also.....thanks for the pics you posted.  Lovely scenery, and the children

look so healthy & happy.

 

Dee-----You gave very good advice for handling the holidays.  I believe that

the holidays always cause a certain amount of dread....every season....especially for those who

are new to this rough road. Love the way you take a  girl's name from a 'giving tree'

and buy a gift........ERi  must surely look down and smile , feeling she definitely had

a hand in the selection of just the right gift, and making the recipient girl happy.

 

 

PEACE,    COMFORT,   AND    TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

 

      

[Mermaid Tears]

What a treat I got today......

 

Two Blonde Baby Movie Stars from Canada.....

 

A Blonde Baby Movie Star ND cheerleader.....

 

 

Now that makes my heart smile.....

 

Thanks for sharing ...our loving GRANDmothers...

 

Will try to post some pics of Pibby and her Pumpkin she is 'painting'....

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...thanks for sharing those photos....what joy children can give.....even in a photo...I agree....that Mother Nature can give us an eye view of all that is beautiful in this earth home.....we just have to open our eyes and look around...I do love what you do in honor of your Jeff at holiday time.....you share.

 

 

Sherry....you are right.....our anxiety or stress levels are different with each passing year....the last two years I didn't really 'think' too hard about the holidays....and here I was at the first of September....with heavy, heavy dread....I have our young GRANDchildren....and I have a deep knowing that as you and Kate have said....we need to make the holidays a memory maker ....they have stars in their eyes...and Santa is coming.....reindeer fly..and we have lights...Christmas programs and parades and sugar cookies to decorate...

   for me....maybe what I see is that empty spot is emptier...and will always be....

 

Jenn....for those parents on this site...you,Sherry, Cherry...Laurie....that lost that 'small child'....the holidays are so hard..and I think there has to be a special gift of grace for those parents...in helping them get by without an emotional and physical breakdown.

 

This grief journey certainly has some twisting paths we walk...

 

Debbie....I think all that you are experiencing is very 'normal'.....once again....remember to 'self care'....I think every parent has that 20-20 hindsight that we entertain in all the 'woulda..shoulda...coulda'.....somedays I have more thoughts like that than others.....I think for myself is when I become over tired or overwhelmed.....

[ericasmom]

Beautiful Children Ladies, thanks so much for sharing them with us.

They let us breathe differently when we see them, catching our hearts off-guard and filing in those spaces that are often hollow.

 

Weather is still holding this week, but Debbie, last week was ugly. This week I still can get my grandie to the park but we bundle up some.

 

Love to all,

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....I know you are tired....and I hope it is a good tired....for you  and yours have had a  relentless uphill struggle to get justice for your Jesse David....

   and like many on this site that have had to go into a long fight for their child.....you are leaving no stone unturned...

I am thinking that the news that you are getting some help from a Sherriff is uplifting....the wanted posters 'should' get someone's attention....it seems as if you are covering a lot of ground and putting it in newspapers will really keep it in circulation....

   'WE' will be waiting it out with you....

   Also.....Oct. 10th is looming....so your anxiety and stress levels must be at 100%....

 

I am glad you have that book to read....

 

My daughter and I are so the same.....we look forward to reading a new book like some look forward to a party....

 

I am going to buy it and put it on my kindle...today....when I read his first book I was hurting so bad....I actually felt like someone put their arms around me and rocked and petted me.....and said...'There...there now....don't cry'.....

 

How is your Mom doing ?

 

I, too, am thinking of Shannon....if we were closer we could all go there and pitch in....do some of those 'every day chores' to give the girl a rest.....and our friendship to give the girl some human support...

[Tamika731]

 Hello all..Six years ago I lost my 9 year old son. Its was after Christmas and New years day I had to decide to take him off a ventilator..worst decision I ever made...I have 3 daughters as well...Today I have been suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and ptsd. I work in a veterans home. I am affected daily by this. I decided to leave my nursing job and take a activities position in the same home I work for. Nursing was too difficult for me to do. I thought activities would help by doing fun things with the residents. Well I am still getting attacks. I have been at this job for 3 years and fear I may lose it because I miss work..I have talked to numerous therapists and been on countless medicines...I just feel so lost I miss my son.i have horrible nightmares about not being able to save him. I feel so alone.

[Mermaid Tears]

Tamika...it is such a hard path on this grief journey.....it has so many turns and twists on the path....I don't have much information about you or your son....but know that you will be with many parents on this site that has lost a child...and we know that it doesn't matter how much time has passed.....a parent still hurts and remembers....it sounds as if you have not had any support.....have you tried to reach out to a group in your area for grieving parents....for you to still have these major issues....after 6 years seems to be that you have not found a place...or group to have mercy...grace...healing or understanding....

   none of us here have any answers....we are not professional therapists....or counselors....we are simply a group of parents that has lost a child...and we come here to hold each others hand....on this journey.....I am so sorry for the loss of your son...

[SamDsmom]

Tamika,

I'm so sorry about your son. I lost my son 1 yr ago in a train accident, our circumstances different, but we all here can so understand the pain and devastation you describe.

Know that all of us are here for you and understand.

Debbie

[Suzie1228]

Several weeks ago my 43 year old son was shot and killed by the police. They had mistakinly thought that he had committed a crime but after everything was said and done a woman that he knew admiited to killing her boyfrieind and that my son had not committed the crime. The police are being investagated for the shooting but that doesn't change the fact that my son was shot in the head for a crime he didn;t commit. Unfortunately this is happening all too often in our county, shoot now and ask questions later. My heart is broken and I don't know how I am ever going to recover from his violent death.

[ericasmom]

Tamika, I am sorry for the ache and pain that follow you into each day. I hope that you will find a therapist that can actually help you find your footing, but maybe this is the place that can do that for and with you. When you are able, tell us more about your Sweet Son. Tell us about your Girls as well and about YOU of course.

I lost my Daughter 11 years ago when a train hit her car at a broken crossing in Michigan. I can only promise this: with time and work, life can be good for you again, never the same of course, but good in new ways.

I hope that you will come back and tell us all more.

 

Debbie, good to see you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Suzie....how tragic...please tell us more about you....and your grief...and your son....how horrific...for you and your family to endure this....so ...so sorry for your loss....

[SamDsmom]

Suzie,

I'm so sorry to hear your story. Please know we are all here for you. Share more as you can. My son died under mysterious circumstances resulting in a police cover up in a small town. We would love to hear about your son and are here for you.

Debbie

[Suzie1228]

Here is a picture of my son about 6 months ago. We had bought a small farm together on the lake a few years ago after my husband had passed away. He had been living there renovating the house until I retired 2 years ago and moved there myself. It was just the 2 of us as he was my only child.Now I find myself here alone with no real answers. Don't know how I can go on but I am sure I will find away, he wouldn't want me to feel sad and alone. I just feel like I have lost everything important in life. My husband passed away almost 10 years ago , then both of my parents passed within 90 days of each other and now my only son.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Suzie, I am so sorry for the death of your precious son. Too much of this, where police react without having a clue what they are responding to. There was a case last year in my town where the cops shot someone's son unnecessarily on the womans own front porch. could have easily been avoided had the one cop responding brought proper back up if he was that afraid. Some of the circumstances were "changed" to make the victim look worse. However, this family also had very limited funds with which to bury their son. I told them if they contacted the State Attorney General Office, part of the Dept. of Justice, there are funds available to assist families. That way at least they could focus on their grieving without other worries.

 

I am truly sorry for all the losses you have gone through. Sending prayers for you.

 

My son was also a victim of a crime, the sheriff's department totally messed things up from the beginning. Blaming the victim, too easy to do.

[Mermaid Tears]

Suzie.....you will find kindred spirits here.....so many 'children'....(and when I say child....they are our children if they are 2..or 16 or 22 or 30 or 50...)....have died and there has been no justice...and it is heartbreaking.....and I, too, think that it seems as if the bad 'ones' get meaner....and the cops get more 'trigger happy' or simply in a knee jerk reaction to fear....but...I know that does not bring you comfort.....

   What we do here on this site....is we hold hands on this grief journey.....we get no map or compass when we are put in this foreign land....and it is a bleak foreign land without our child...I have found that grief is very physical.....it is so heavy it seems as if you cannot breathe....and....for me.....my human boat was going down...down...down.....and many parents on this site put their hands out to me.....and I could come up for 'air'.....

       All of us on this site stress the importance of 'self care'....be kind to yourself....be gentle to yourself....and don't expect too much of yourself at the beginning of the grief journey....

    I lost my John David....in August of 2012....he was 42....our oldest son....he had some severe health issues...but they were curable but he had a massive heart attack......it was just unreal....and still is to a certain degree...

   I ask 'WHY' every....every day...still.

Many on this site has lost that 'only child'....and many have lost their spouses, too.....

we don't have any answers to the big questions....we are just here because until you have lost a child...one cannot understand that kind of deep grief.

Peace to you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

The woman who ran over Jesse was just picked up by the police at 12:02. She is being transported to Jackson Sheriff dept.  jail now.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....your hard work....long hours....many miles....and the lost count of sleepless nights.....has paid off....I am wondering if it was police who found her or was it info by a citizen that tipped them off.....

regardless....she is going to jail....where she needs to be to make sure her reckless driving will not take another innocent...

 

Just wish the woman who ran over Jared could share the same cell....

[SamDsmom]

Laurie,

I am very glad to hear they picked her up. You must be going through a myriad of emotions right now. All of your tireless dedication. I agree with Susan. If only Becky could get the same for Jared. Gives me hope. Keep us updated.

Debbie

[ericasmom]

Wow Suzie, you and I posted at around the same time last evening and so I did not see your post until this afternoon while at work. I hope you are feeling that everyone here will reach out to you, just as they have said. We get it, we won't run screaming from your story, from your loss. This is where you can tell us over and again what you are going through. THe first months hold a certain amount of shock in them, the shock allowing you to function, such as it is. When some of the layers of shock wear away, it feels brutally hard, sometimes it feels worse than those first days because the hard facts of his not returning just hit over and over. We know. I do so hope that there will be a measure of justice down the road in reference to your Sweet Boy's death. It will not bring him back but at least you will know that there will be consequences for those responsible. Your Son is a handsome man, and I am so glad that the two of you were able to join in on the house. You will always be his Momma, he will always be your Boy, nobody can take that away.

I lost my 19 year old Daughter when her car was hit by a fast moving AMTRAK at a broken for 11 months crossing. Sucks to know that the fuse was blown, a simple fuse, a few dollars, but nobody saw to changing it and for 11 months, knowing it was out, knowing that thousands of kids and families crossed those tracks every day in the midst of Kalamazoo, Michigan, and Erica was the one who stopped that train, got the fuse fixed at so high a cost. Nobody will die as she did at that spot again, we had the whole configuration changed in her honor.

 

Speaking of justice, holy cow Laurie, fingers crossed that this woman is sent to jail and stays there and away from the road for a long long time.

 

May everyone feel some sense of love or enjoy a visit dream tonight from your Baby.

[Suzie1228]

I just want to thank everyone who sent me a blessing about my  my dear son Brad. Today was a good day for me even though I deal with saddness and grief everyday, sometimes I can just laugh at some goofy thing he might have said. He was very bright and charming, went to culinary school and was the executive chef at some very fine restaurants until he went through a divorce and his life just hit bottom after that and the death of his Dad and both of my parents. He did enjoy his life with me on the lake and we had planned on puting in a  boat dock and getting a boat next spring. Some days are hard being here at our place alone now. I found a letter today that he wrote to me on my last birthday telling me how much he loved me, worried about me and just wanted to always be here for me. He was a very affectionate  son who always ended a conversation with, I love you Mom. I miss hearing that but have the joy of knowing how much he cared about me. So many parents don't have that kind of relationship wih  their children and I thank God everyday that we had a warm and loving relationship. Thank you all again for your kind words and thoughts.

Suzie

[Steve s mom]

Susie ,

Your son sounds a lot like my Steve

He always said I love you mommy whenever he left even if his friends made fun of it.

[Mermaid Tears]

Suzie....I have my John David's last birthday and Mother's day cards he sent to me.....we are BLESSED to have had that kind of son....yes.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's Mom.....

every phone call was ended with....Love you....

but my other son's say the same...

and my GRANDson, Hunter Bear and Austin....

say the same.....

blessed...

[Suzie1228]

I woke up this morning with much anxiety and depression but hoping getting out in my yard and doing the thing I love most which is yard work will help my mood. Has anyone gone to grief counseling or grief support groups and if so did it help. Not knowing which way to turn today.