Members ericasmom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Erin's Mom, you will one day find out who you are as you grieve and find your way. The sadness you are feeling will get bigger and at times as hard as that is to believe, and it will change as you go. As far as knowing who you are anymore, well we are not who we were and we are not who we are going to become at the early stages you are in...it is somewhat of a pergatory or limbo place. We have one foot in this reality and one in the horror of what has transpired. It will not always be this way, I promise. I think the most important thing you can do right now is make sure of yourself as your Girl would want and insist. Drink plenty of water and juice, make yourself eat some protein every few hours and some fruit, try to get outside for a bit of fresh air just to remind you that the natural world holds many of the most peaceful moments and more spirit filled moments too. Right now, taking care of you also is telling your story. Come here and tell us all about Erin if you are up to it, tell us about you, your life before this sad time, your life since. Telling your story is one way to help yourself absorb the details and know that there are folks listening, who want to listen, who know what a fully encompassing loss this is.My name is Dee and I lost my Girl, Erica, 11 years ago, she was 19. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missing Erin Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Thank you, Dee. Some times I feel as though I cant breathe. I want her back, so bad. I'm not sure where I begin or end. I just want to move forward, but I feel like maybe I'm not ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 We have to learn all of those things over again, how to breathe, how to walk and breathe at the same time, how to find a way to rest, how to look at others in your life and realize who they are now to you. Everything has changed, and so many others don't get that. We can't breathe as we once did in those early stages of grief. We are caught off guard again and again, made to replay the event that changed our worlds. The panic that might come with the realization should be noted, you may eventually want to talk with your GP about that just so they can keep a watch on you. Grief is exhausting and yet so many can't sleep well so do take naps if you are able. Do you work outside the home? How old is Erin? Does she have any siblings? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 JUST BREATHE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Homeless A relentless stream, torrent reallyof tearssalt and sting-sounds finding their way up from deep soul,like animals wildly searching for a place to bebut unable to rest,crazy with grief. Home is missingyou are not hereand so my home is missing.And I circle and cross my own pathall traces of what was-are gone. By Dee Conmy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Erin's mom, I lost my son Sam on September 21, 2013. Your post takes me back. I don't know if it gets any easier for me at this stage. But it does get different. Sometimes I know it feels like you don't fit in. Everyone goes on with their lives. The world keeps turning. Parents and their children seemingly untouched. I don't fit in their world any more. We are different. I remember Dee always saying just Breathe. I still have to remember that now. Like I said I'm not sure i feel better but I feel different. It has helped so much to share about Sam here. I feel as though I know everyone else's children also and that is comforting. Dee,I love that song. It is beautiful. Your writing is amazing I so feel the words.Thinking of everyone tonight. Lora, Shannon, Sandy, Cherry, Ted, Wanda, Wade and others that I don't see so much. I am very sad tonight. Love you SAM. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flocicero Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Today is just a really bad day for me, cant stop crying & begging God to give me back my son!!!! Im so empty, I feel like laying down & dying with him but I have to be strong for my younger son. He really needs me now. Mikes mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missing Erin Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Thanks, Everyone, for the encouragement and understanding. Erin was born with cystic fibrosis. She was pretty healthy until 6 years ago when she developed complications from infection. In Feb of 2013 she was discharged from the hospital with hospice care. This time last year I was watching her die, all the while hoping for a miracle. Jan 15 of this year the miracle came. She received a double lung transplant. Although she did well initially, over the next 9 months, body systems shut down one by one. She asked to be taken off life support on Sept 22. She was 29 yrs old. I feel as though I have been watching her die for almost 2 years. So why am I so numb? I should feel some relief. People tell me all the time, "she's not suffering any more", "she's in a better place"...I don't care and please stop saying that to me! It doesn't help and it doesn't comfort me. There isn't a death related cliche' in existence that can make me feel ok. I wanted things to be different. 4 days before she died she got married. I wanted her to live with the man she so loved. I wanted to see her thrive! Why didn't the "miracle" work? Some days I want to be dead too. Some days I feel dead. Most days I cant stop crying. I want to find peace. I want to feel less broken. I want to feel comfort outside of my home, not just within. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Chris,I wish I had some magical words. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch that happen to your wonderful child. Many on this site have experienced what you described. My son was in a horrible tragic accident. But I can so identify with the pain. Some days all we can do is put one foot in front of the other. I still often have times when I just want someone, something to make me feel better. At times, I hold on only because I can't imagine what it would do to my other children if I gave up. I think it helps when I come here and talk about my memories. Please tell us about Erin when you can.Mike's mom,The one thing that helped me that I still remember was Dee always saying, hold on and breathe. I still tell myself that often. Know that you and Mike are in many's thoughts and prayers here. The world series starts tonight. Missing my Sam. Thinking about how excited he would be and hoping he has a front row seat.Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 I am thinking of everyone and hoping that today will be a decent one for you. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Missing you so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 i have been sleeping 17 to 21 hrs a day on the weekend and sometimes on work days calling in. my dr. decided maybe i am so depressed i no longer want to awaken. she changed my meds from 2 anti-depressants to one that hits 5 receptors. unfortunately i am withdrawing while waiting to build up the other. not only do i suddenly find myself crying at work but sobbing over the fact when forest was 4 i got mad at him for losing a tiny sliver of a doll from some very dear matroyshka doll set that had been bought by my dead fiance's grandfather. i remember being unreasonable trying to make him find it. i really hardly ever acted like that but i was so hurt because of its history and now without my meds when i think of it i hate myself and start crying. i know he thought i was a great mom and it is really not a thing but i am just falling apart. i hope i can survive the next 2 weeks. dr does know to keep her phone on her as i really am not doing very well plus the new drug makes me throw up. lol great aside from all that---debbie i love seeing sam's smile!! sorry you're down. i'm sure all the change,tho good, is distressing. sending strength and love. and once again thanks for your kindness. francesca-it is soo early on for you and the unexpected shock of it is so awful and overwhelming. i am so sorry. to this day if i replay the moment i found out i am screaming the same thing like deja vu. but unless i let myself go there most the time it is more like a dull grind in the background of my life. (with the exception of my current problem) my son's girlfriend probably fell asleep at the wheel and went into a parked semi at 67 mph killing them both. he was 28. i have 3 younger children that i also had to try to keep it together for. it will get better inch forward fall back, inch forward, inch forward, fall back. we will be here every step of the way, this site has literally saved my life. susan-mandy's mom-you also have had a terrible shock even knowing your sweet girl mandy hadn't been well. hang on and share her with us when you can. would love to get to know her better. she sounds like such a joy. mollie-there are others here that hopefully can help guide you through this having had to cope with suicide themselves. the specifics of your breanna's short life hurt so to read. i can only imagine the pain you must have over all things involved. my heart goes out to you. chris-i promise no one here will ever hand you a meaningless platitude. the people in our lives are well meaning but they just don't know. i definitely had that sensation of not being able to breathe. my friend lynn had the same sensation so i guess it is a physical response it will get better. moving forward? yes you will when you feel like it, when it comes. don't force it or go by anyone else's expectations. we all move at our own pace, all our experiences are different but we all know the deepness of the pain and we will stand beside you as you feel your way. i'm not a speedy example but i am better than i was 3 years ago by tons. everyone-dee, kate, susan, carol, mary ann, becky, laurie and everyone else trying to get it back together so i can be supportive like you all are! those who asked way back, the boy at work ended up losing his leg after all. lynn's boy joshua lost his girlfriend claire 2 years ago today, he lived just a little over a year after her death. lynn is still crying pretty much all day everyday. she said today is the day the titanic hit the iceberg for her family. we are planning a play date with my grandbabies soon to cheer us. , also super bit wars 3 is this coming Saturday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 "the sands of time were fallingfrom your fingers and your thumb,And you were waiting for the miracle,For the miracle to come." leonard cohenI am starting to realize it ain't comin'so i'm trying to think about where to go from here before all the sand slips past me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 I do believe Sam has to be rejoicing...and Debbie...he has the 'best' seat in the house..... To our new parents on this site.....will post later....too many loose strings for me to tie up....but....you have found a caring site....all of us are parents that has lost a child.....some have lost two....please read some of the old posts....and we know how much it hurts....it is just so darn hard....this grief journey.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Gretchen....none of us were perfect parents...and there are no perfect parents that walk this earth home...I do hope this new medication helps.....do you have a therapist ? Is that who is prescribing your new medications...? I sincerely hope that you can find the right combination to help get you back on your feet again....get some balance....some peace. I hope you can go and get in the sunshine some today....Mother Nature has a medicine bag like no other. Thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Gretchen, I am so sorry to see that you are having such a struggle right now. I hope the next little while will be a better one for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 Do we ever quit counting days weeks and months? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Steve s mom Posted October 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 21, 2014 I don't think so samD momDays,weeks,months,years hours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted October 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 I'm so far behind on the posts, and can't seem to catch up. MissingErin-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Erin. You havecome to a large and active site. It is so very recent that you lost your dear child,and the pain, & sorrow are so great. Please come back to this site (BI...formerlycalled Beyond Indigo). Everyone here understands. Gretchen----I'm sorry that you are in such a dark place now. I guess that all thoseguilt feelings that we feel are just a part of this rough journey. We often think oftimes when we were angry with our children, and how terrible it makes us feel tothink about that. As someone said....there are no perfect kids or parents in thisworld, but we know that all the love we had and shared with them would outnumberany of the times we were upset or angry with them. I hope that your new meds willhelp you. Sending prayers. Peace to you. Mikesmom----I 'm sorry for your loss of your son, Mike, so recently. The earlytimes are so very painful, I know. I hope that you will find this site helpful. Youcan read/post whenever you wish. There are no 'rules' for reading/posting.....justa way for all of us to express our feelings to others who understand. Over theyears since I have been on this site, there have been many parents who havecome on and possibly found strength and solace, then maybe moved on. I hopethat you will return to this site. WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 Once again....have had a long day....am so tired....Sherry...thank you for....once again....when I was the new one on here....giving your sweet words....Kate....Dee....saying what needs to be said for the new ones....and I was there...and I still think...one day.... I still think I am a new one....when the pain ebbs away....then I will not be a new one.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 In this grief journey....how many times a parent 'just want that child back'.....it is a heartbreaking plea....and yes...one does change....as Dee has said....'we must change to make room for the loss'.... it is a slippery slope I have found...one can either become bitter or better...and when I say 'better'....I don't mean we become better because our child is gone...we become 'better' in facing this grief....learning this grief...walking and talking the grief...carrying the grief.... our child would not want us to become...'bitter'....and mean and hateful....for I would not want my child/children to become bitter because I left this earth home... it is a learning process....and it is a hard lesson to learn....finding it hard to breathe is a common symptom of grief.....I think my heart was so shattered...I actually felt like I had to 'come up for air' to breathe....grief is very heavy....and I found that I was so exhausted by the sheer weight of it... and I had to 'cocoon' to gather my wits and whatever sanity I had left to survive...the 'shock suit' will fit very, very tight the first year....and then the second year it will fit 'tight' still.....that is Mother Nature's way of protecting you.....you cannot take it all in at once....just in increments.... I found that I did have 1,000's of meltdowns....and of all places....it seemed the grocery store would be where lots of memories would flood over me...it even happened after I lost my Daddy.....after reading other posts....I have found that the grocery store seems to be a common place where many bereaved parents have meltdowns... I had tiny emotional and physical breakdowns...some have massive breakdowns....I think both are in the normal range...I bought and read every book that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote and co-wrote....that was an instinct I had.... I also wanted to run away....get away....be away.....that is a normal instinct....I also felt like my heart was in pieces around my feet.... I think one should do whatever they feel they have an instinct to do....as long as one does no harm to oneself or others...if there is a Grief Group around you....try to go....for you need to hold hands when you are on this grief journey... Many find that family and friends are not there for support.....and that is why a support group of parents that have lost a child will help you feel you are not alone....I do not have a circle of friends who have lost a child and that is why I am on this online site.....so many understand what I am going through and I need no explanation of what I feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 Erin's Mom......there has to be a very sacred gift of Grace for those parents that have to stand watch over their child as they are leaving this earth home.... after losing my John David....and having this kind of grief.....I have this kind of awe and respect for those parents and families.... When I lost John David I was so shocked that my love did not or could not save him....my Mama Love was so powerful... Later....my son, Aaron, the Dr. is the one who very gently told me that after having the massive heart attack...our John David would never had been 'the same'..... 'And the Lord came with strong arms and took him in the night'..... Later....after much hand wringing...insomnia...gut wrenching grief....I came to this conclusion....this answer... When there is no cure in the medicine bag to bring them healing.....When there is no magic pill in this earth home to relieve their pain and suffering...When there are no human hands to mend their broken bodies and make them whole again...God/Mother/Father of the Universe comes and takes our child to their first home... That may sound too simplistic....too childish....but that is what 'I' think.... When that baby is put in our arms and hearts....we have this very powerful surge of Amazing Love...and that can give us a feeling of having this Super Human Control to protect and keep our child from all harm.....and then when we lose that child in this earth home....we find we only had a Super Human Love for that child.... It is so hard to walk this grief journey..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 Gretchen, I am so sad that you are feeling so low, that you feel so without energy and purpose though speaking about your grandkids makes me know that you know that you are loved and needed in this world. You recently said that your partner moved on, this is probably adding to your depression and the fact that so much is bubbling up sometimes comes on the heels of change. Yelling at your Boy when he was small is not unreasonable, we are parents, human parents! I get it though, I think sometimes of the almost three years I spent with a bad-boyfriend and wish I hadn't spent that piece of my kids' lives with such a bad influence, someone Erica hated. Why didn't I pay attention to her instincts. I was selfish. I cannot change it and I will always wish I had done a few things differently, but I had to reconcile these things, therapy did help me. I know it isn't for everyone, but I continue to go right now, needing a return for some tools to assist. I am sorry for even more parents here that are mourning their Sweet Child. I am holding you as you find your way, and you will find your way even if you wish you could curl up and die. We are here still, so we have a job yet to do. I so agree with the platitudes people offer, but I also agree that they think that they are helping or being supportive. They try but we want to scream to SHUT UP! We try to learn to live in this world anew, but it does take a long while to find any semblance of a life. I send you my hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel Boy of Mine Posted October 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 Keep moving forward, there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and your angels will be there to welcome you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 What a beautiful message Becky, so absolutely inspiring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Thank you, Becky for posting that.....and I hope you are finding some 'light' on your grief journey.....you are our Warrior Mom....not only were you carrying the heavy burden of grief....but you also had to carry a banner high...for justice for your SONshine boy....and that was exhausting, also....now....you have many health issues....and I and many hope and pray you are finding a place where you can rest....and heal. It just proves that grief can cause many physical scars....not only the emotional scars. We must know there are things unseen...and we must know our loved ones wants us to know they are 'ok'...some days I feel my John David near me.....some days....he is just in my thoughts and heart....and we do need some light on this grief journey to mark our way in the many ways we carry forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted October 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Thank you, Becky...that truly is an inspiring message. My heart goes out to the family of Cpl. Nathan Cirillo who was gunned down yesterday while standing guard at the National War Memorial in Ottawa. My prayers and sincere condolences to his family. Such a cowardly and despicable act. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Kate....we , too, cry for Cpl. Cirillo and his family and circle of friends....this kind of carnage is happening too many times...and we are left to once again...cry...'WHY?'..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tobyfreefoot Posted October 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3qxRVHF-qo something so lovely about this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted October 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Susan---You have said it so well.....sometimes we do feel like a 'new' one...no matter where we happen to be on the timeline since losing our belovedchildren. This is because they are always in our thoughts & hearts, andthe love is eternal. Those devastating feelings of pain, sorrow, and longingcan come anytime......just like a wave on the sea. Peace to you. Kate----So sorry to learn of the tragedy in Ottawa. Prayers for all concerned. Becky---I loved the graphic that you posted in honor of your dear son, JD.Thanks for posting. PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel Boy of Mine Posted October 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 23, 2014 Thanks to all that commented on my graphic that I shared. It makes me happy to bring a word of comfort. Today, I shared the link below from another list, Advocates for Victims of Impaired/Distracted Driving.. Please avoid the 3 D's, Driving DRUNK, DRUGGED, or DISTRACTED!!! This man decided to "do the right thing" by confessing to his crime, and not try to LIE or blame the innocent victim, as lawyers were advising him to. Although there is no 'closure' when a life is taken suddenly, violently and needlessly, this must have given the victim's family some peace.1 John 1:9 ► King James Bible If we CONFESS our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Yes, that is the right thing to do...admit to the crime and the pain that was caused... Instead I had Ms. "Idiot" Rupnow trying to pick up men on Facebook up until August, no regard for what she had done. When my husband told me he had found this out (someone in the community told him), I think I screamed and cried for 4 hours that night and took 3 of my medication tablets... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Laurie.....I hope that now 'she' is behind bars.....you have been given a measure of justice... with what I know about 'certain people'..... Laurie and Becky.....you both will never have that 'person' admitting any wrong doing...they will never have remorse...or regret....and will never confess...never ask for forgiveness....will never think they should ask for forgiveness... yes....they 'should'....it is a hard pill to swallow.... but the law enforcement team you have where you live....are nothing but weak sisters....to the crime....that took your son.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel Boy of Mine Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.- Martin Luther King Jr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Going to bed after two 12 hour days for conferences. So sleepy but wanted to tell you all that I am reading and sending hope. Susan, any news on your Tay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mandy's mom Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Hi I have been thinking of everyone. I really appreciate hearing everyone speak of their children. There is so much love in this community. Coming on and reading has been helping me. Saturday will be a month ago I lost my precious Mandy. Most of the time my stomach is in knots and my heart is racing. I try to lose myself reading or watching movies on my computer. That has helped a bit. My thoughts are with you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flocicero Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 I'm so tired by the time i come here that i can barely write. I do read a lot..all the posts and it really helps and makes me think that maybe i can make it somehow. need to sleep, still have to work....thank you all, love you all FrancescaMike's mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ldressle Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 I feel so lost in all of this. I cannot seem to grasp the reality that my son is dead. I keep thinking he will walk through the front door any minute. Benjamin,,,, Benjamin...my baby boy..so sad and I miss our hugs, I miss you asking me how my day was. I miss hearing you breath at night outside my bedroom door. I miss your long showers in the morning and blowing your beautiful hair dry.. I miss taking you to school and listening to your music. I miss your jokes, I miss your sweet smile, miss everything about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 I just had a moment to check in. I can't comment to everything I have read but I am catching up. Only one more day in the truck. So there is much to do and little time. I am thinking of everyone here. All the new people, my heart goes out. I have always been a sympathetic/empathetic too sensitive at times person. But never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine that I could so intensely share and feel another's pain the way I do with my family here. I am going to finish reading and will try to get back later. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Dee....thanks for asking.....and we have not had any results.....Randa even takes the phone to the restroom with her in case they call......the surgeon did say a week....then he told George that it may take 12 days...so ...we are in a 'hoping and praying holding pattern'..... To our new parents.....even now....and I am going on my 3rd year of the grief journey...there is always that part of the day when...' I just want my boy back'.....and now...you will find you will keep time in a different way....for you will have one foot in the world when they were on this earth home.....and another foot in the world of them not being beside you.... it is very Unbalanced....and many find it is hard to simply walk.....and for the parents that have to work....for some it is a blessing...for some it is agony.....then try to find enough time to rest.....insomnia is a very integral part of the grief journey...so...if you can nap....that is still getting some healing sleep....if you find that you are hitting a black wall....maybe your employer will give you some shorter hours to work.....until you can function in a way that is somewhat more normal... this kind of grief is not 'mind over matter'....this is not something that will ever make any sense....there are no answers and no one has an answer.....but there are many that have compassion and empathy.....go ahead and cry....being stoic has no rewards for this kind of grief..... Becky and Laurie.....both of these women that ran over your boys is a sociopath..... Debbie.....I hope the transfer of the truck goes without any problems....am happy you and your daughter can be under His feathers now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 I am thinking of you all today...will be on later. Wishing gentleness and peace.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Thanks Laurie, for such a lovely thought. Today...after almost five years I finally stepped up to the plate and let my sister have it in no uncertain terms. She has the answer to everything. She and her husband consider themselves experts on how everyone should behave...even in the loss of a special person in your life. Though they have not yet experienced it. I'm afraid that I told her that until she walks in those shoes she is not in any way allowed an opinion. A new neighbor that she only recently met had lost her husband a couple of months ago. I was "oh, so glad" to be told she is back up and business as usual. Out and about as it "should be". Well, let me just say that I fumed as she spoke...considering my options. As she again told me that my husband's concern for his cancer was only needless worry that "everyone" gets and to just recognize some people worry about every little ache and pain. Well, that was it! The poor guy had had a rather unpleasant procedure done on Monday and according to her it was nothing to worry about as she knows and senses he is just fine. Thanks.... good to have that reassurance. Heck, who needs a Doctor when you have her. For the most part I have come to grips with continuing in as normal a way as I can. But my son's death has shaken me to the core. And as far as I am concerned that is a normal way to behave. Because I am not able to attend a formal Christmas event that also includes Carols seemed to push her buttons. She was annoyed that I did not want to attend with them and so much as told me so as her new neighbour is "out and about"...and coping just fine. Poor lady, my bet is she is still in shock and being led around by the nose by my bossy boots sister. Wow, it's nice to be an expert. Wonder if she will be as stoic if she should lose her husband or child? But hey, her expertise will kick in to carry her through it...no worries there. And just for the record we will not be attending the dinner, etc. The carols push us over the edge. I think we have earned the right to do as we choose in this case. He did die after all on December 12th. Sorry for the rant. Sherry, thanks for your thoughts. It only proves how lucky we are to live where we do. The price we pay for freedom. God Bless our servicemen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Kate...there was no way I could have known about this kind of grief....and no one can until they lose that child...I think you have carried yourself forward in a very graceful motion....there are just some people who are so toxic...one feels as if acid rains down when they are near....negative and hateful words hurt just as much as being 'hit'....and we have to face the facts....there are just some mean and evil people out there. She seems to be very narcissist.. thanks Laurie....for the pretty Butterfly... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Thanks Susan, tension is running high today as we wait for the results. Since Jeff died I have had very little if any support. I joined the site early on as Dee will remember...but I was far too lost in my pain to think others could possibly understand. I left the site for ages...then returned. I needed that connection. I was floundering and also at the same time being made to feel as if I was flawed or somehow weak that I was withdrawing. My family deserted us until we were "over it". It was a form of psychological abuse. I see that now. I considered wanting out...if you know what I mean. This site saved my life. Yes, it did. In reaching out to others I found that I was not crazy or weak, but just a normal mom that was hurting beyond the average persons ability to understand. This is the hardest load any person should ever have to carry. And we do make huge strides in moving ahead. But we also take steps back at times and that is the nature of this process. There is not one minute of the day that my boy is not truly in my thoughts or heart. When I watched the video replay of CPR being performed on Nathan Cirillo it bought back memories of that night with Jeff as we did the same thing. I have been unsettled ever since. I do know that triggers like that will always occur along the way. I also know that I need to be strong. My heart just aches for his Mom and Dad and little boy. Poor kid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Kate-----It sounds like your sister had it coming, since she had set herself up to be the 'expert'on your grief, and chided you for not wanting to attend the Christmas program with carols.I feel that there is no need to attend events that will only bring extreme pain and sorrow. Aftermy son died, I skipped the large family reunion which I usually always attended in the summer. WhileI knew that some of the relatives would be supportive, I also knew of ones who would give methe old " get on with your life" advice, which I didn't want to hear at only a month after losing Dave.As it is......I haven't attended one of the reunions since he passed. Just not up to it, I guess.Each of us must decide what our comfort level is......along with what we can tolerate. If it's toointense.....we can just decline. We're not hurting anyone, after all. Your sister's insensitiveremarks about your husband's health were so annoying and hurtful, I'm sure. Good that youset her straight. Idressle-----I agree.....missing every little thing about Benjamin, who left this world too soon, isa part of the grief process. I think one could go on forever.....thinking of this memory andthat memory, and all the things...large and small that we cherish & keep in our hearts. Afterall.....the only thing we have is our memories, and no one can take them away from us. Peace & comfort, friend. Dee-----Wow! Long conference. I hope that you got some very good and restorative rest. Laurie-----thanks for the butterfly.....lovely! Susan----Thanks for your post. Sending more prayers for sweet Tay. WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted October 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 24, 2014 Kate, I so agree with the others on this, you have held yourself still and you let her know today what has been wrapped up in a ball inside your heart. I applaud your letting it out and setting her straight. Whoo-hoo for honesty. Prayers continue for your husband Kate, hugs to you. Hi Sherry, so good to see you. I have not been here much this week, so I am happy to see you and know that everyone is doing okay. I took a nap today and then to the gym, then out for a short walk. I am very tired but the weather is amazing and the colors are stupendous. Susan, yep, that damn waiting, it stinks, but prayers will continue. As Sherry said, Laurie, Thanks for the lovely butterfly. Gretchen, what a great song, thanks for sending it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2014 I received an e-mail from a person I 'know'...not really a dear or old or good friend....wanting advise on how to help comfort a friend that lost their oldest son.... so.....I gave the best advise I could.....and it is all posted on all the posts I have written on this site...all of us know what we need.... Kate....you are so right.....we are all so very brave.....even if we are curled up in a blanket.... and you need to draw that line in the sand....script the boundary lines....for we cannot let anyone define our grief journey...it is for you to map...and walk...and live each day.... it is true what my Grama warned me about....there are parasites of society....that can only drain the life from the strong ...to have any life of their own.... you have to know you have such a 'weak sister'..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted October 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2014 Thanks to everyone for their kind words of support. I appreciate it more than I can say. Life can be hard... as we all know. It is a beautiful sunny day today. And so another day begins. I'm thinking of everyone new to this journey and my wish for you this weekend is that you will find some degree of peace. Love to all, Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted October 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted October 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted October 25, 2014 My friends,Tonight is the Halloween party. Scott and I purchased our masks and we are going. I am still nervous, but we need to get out.I know everything will be fine. I need to keep telling myself that. Seeing Brians friends and how they have grown, really throws me to the floor. I hardly recognize them. Makes me wonder about my boy, Brian and how he would look as a 22 year old. Brian is forever 16.I will be asking for our angels to bring me comfort from the thoughts that will never be.Love to youColleen, Brians Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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