Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Dee.....I 'think and know' you already know.....the place I am now....and it is a place you have been before...and know well.....on this grief journey....

 

it is just so damn hard.....

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Debbie, I am sorry I am late in recognizing Sam's angelversary. I know your pain, and how the questions that remain hurt you to your core. I hope that Sam found a way to let you know he was around you, as he always is, and may that bring some measure of comfort . Always here for you.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon and Lora.....thinking of you both...would like to hear from you....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, thank you for sharing that very personal story of your grief early on...it is written beautifully....

 

I am struggling with trying to get something put together for the newspaper...for the second anniversary...have a rough draft...not sure how much I want to put out there...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....follow your heart/instinct.....

    for me....what I have found....this grief journey has made me second guess myself coming and going....being so blindsided...so out of balance....and that I find if I tune in to my 'instinct'....(gut reaction)....I am pretty much on the right side...

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you, Dee.... for writing what we all feel in our hearts. Beautiful! Just beautiful!

 

Laurie, I agree with Susan. Let your heart lead you.

 

Lora and Shannon...we are thinking of you and wishing you peaceful days.

 

Becky, how are you doing?

 

Wade, your stairway to heaven was perfect.

 

Gretchen, hope you are finding the past few days a bit better.

 

Thinking of everyone... and may God grant us all strength and support in our effort to rebuild our lives again after our loss. Love to all, Kate

[ericasmom]

Hey Kate and Laurie and Susan, glad that you liked my little story. I was about at the one year mark when I wrote that piece, finding my way and realizing that the messages were going to be the reason that I could find hope, that my girl was leaving hints of her presence in my life. I am thankful, ever thankful for those lovely messages.

 

Debbie, how are you today?

 

Lora, are you okay out there?

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....your 'story'....your hands writing about the consuming grief and emptiness....and the deep desire to describe the feelings......the instinct to put it down on paper....making it manifest in the physical world....instead of being locked up in your.thoughts....

    I found 'for me'....for me to write about it was a release....for the grief seemed to be in my bloodstream...it traveled from my heart to every part of my body....along the veins...the sorrow seemed to seep through my epidermis ...it seemed to me I could smell my sorrow...grief walked and talked and slept and ate with me. We find there is no time out...no break...no vacation from it. To get it out there....we use our hands to place it on paper. I find it is the only tool I have in my human bag to get release.

 

 

On this site we can share our stories....the stories are as unique as our child is unique...and our loss is unique...we walk and live in different places....work at different jobs....but when we read each others stories....we have a common ground...and we nod in agreement and understanding...for we have a deep knowing of just where you were/are on this grief journey.

 

 

One thing is true....for all of you that have stayed on this site for so many years....your grief and pain and experience has not been in vain....you have used it to reach out and help so many that come here with shattered hearts and lives...begging for relief and connection.....once again....Thank You with gratitude from my heart. I can truthfully say each of you have been a part of my healing.

[Mermaid Tears]

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I just wanted to stop in and say hello to everyone. The boys and I are ok. We have had a rough month (year) but I'm getting a little stronger each day. It's just the the three of us now and will be for a while. My husband is with his parents at the moment and is getting ready to enter long term treatment which is a good thing for him. We've had a lot of chaos in our lives for a while but I am working hard to create a more peaceful life for us. 

 

Debbie, I'm so sorry that I missed Sam's day but I was very glad to see your post. I've thought of you and of Sam so often. I know that day was a hard day. I also know that the days before and after are very very hard too. So, just know you're in my thoughts. 

 

Laurie, You've been in my thoughts a lot as well as you are coming up on this second anniversary. 

 

I have a lot of reading and catching up to do but wanted to let you all know that I am out here and reading as I can. 

 

Friday was Aiden's fifth birthday. My baby boy is five now and I don't know where the time has gone. He had a wonderful day. His actual birthday was just the two of us as Zak was in school. We went took a picnic to the park and he made a new friend. It was pretty low key as his party was planned for Saturday. That night Camara, Trista's friend, came over and baked a small cake for Aiden. She spent the evening playing with Aiden and then stayed over to help me get ready for the party in the morning. Sometimes I wonder if they somehow know that these days are hard and the missing intense. They (Trista's friends) seem to almost take turns showing up at those times, doing the things they know Tris would be doing if she were here. The morning of Aiden's party Ashley showed up. She is the friend who was driving they day of the accident. She went over and above to help with decorating, bringing out food and coffee for the adults, playing with the kids. I think it's good for her too. Camara shared with me that Ashley has been going through a very intense depression. At one point, my step daughter, Madison, asked Ashley about the accident. Ashley answered very factually. I could tell it was difficult for her and I had to walk away as the tears came. Madi is only 8 though and I thought Ashley handled her questions well. The girls stayed long after I went to bed, sitting on the deck, smoking cigarettes, Just as they would have done with Trista. They are 18 years old now and so they don't have to sneak a smoke any more but I think they just need those little rituals and memories, just as I do. They came in to my room and whispered goodnight as they were leaving some time around 1 am. 

 

Abigail, another of Trista's closest friends, could not make it to Aiden's party. She came after. Aiden had wanted a batman party and he wanted it to be a costume party. When I bought his batman costume, as a surprise, I also bought a robin costume for myself. He loved it and said I was his sidekick. When Abby came he wanted her to put on my costume and play batman and robin with him. Of course she did and we were talking about how Tris wouldn't have let her near the costume because she would have been wearing it. She loved costumes and dressing up. I took a picture then, of Abby and Aiden and there was an orb in picture right on Abby's leg. I just know Tris was there with them while they were playing. 

 

 

*As a side note, when i wore the costume at Aiden's party I also wore yoga pants with it. I couldn't find a costume for women that wasn't skimpy. What's up with that?

 

This is me and Aiden at his party. By the time I got the picture he had traded in his batman mask for Captain America. 

 

I'll be thinking of everyone today and sending wishes for a peaceful. I am hoping to have time to catch up on reading. 

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, I am glad to see your post, you have been on my mind and in my prayers. Aiden birthday looks like it went as well as to be expected...that is special that Trista's friends continue to come around and be supportive of you...I noticed the Orb right away too... 

 

Dee, a few more thoughts about the story you shared...I cannot help but think how Erica reminds me of my older sister, sort of a Hippie kind-of-girl (in a good, happy way). Julie loved the faded jeans with patchwork and the prints of the early 70's which always seem to re-emerge in fashion once in a while. The closest thing we have today is the Lucky brand...I like to look at their stuff...thank you for all you share...

 

Susan, I have went with the following design and layout for the memoriam ad...It is going to be 3 1/4" x 6 " . I placed it this morning for that week in case I emotionally fall apart later...

 

Thinking of everyone here Kate, Becky, Wade, Colleen, Carol, Wanda, Debbie, Lora, Mary Ann, Gretchen, Sherry and so many others...

 

...just trying to make it through the next couple weeks...

[Angel Boy of Mine]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=4626672282223

 

Ducks at 9 weeks! 

 

Thanks, Kate, for asking about me. I am still having a really hard time with my hands, and with walking, driving, and just getting up and down. I keep trying though, it's all I can do. Days leading up to Jared's angeldate are really hard. I cry so easily these days... just miss him so badly.

 

Our court date with the driver that has accused my daughter of assault will be the end of October, and hopefully it will be short and sweet, as her only supposed witness has just violated her supervised probation for DUI... I hope they drag her in to court in an orange jump suit! Her court date is the middle of October. 

 

 

[SamDsmom]

Thank you too everyone for the kind thoughts regarding Sams angel date. It was a somewhat peaceful day. I found that the horrible anxiety leading up to that moment worse than much of the rest of the year. The actual day only bringing sadness which is almost a relief from the panic attacks that have driven me the last few months. My parents and both my sisters were there. I wanted to plan a memorial as I didn't get to plan the first one. Something for his friends and all my family, but didn't have the energy. I did get to Georgia and went through some of my storage. I found some pictures, birthday cards, old report cards and other thinks that I had collected over the years. That brought me some comfort. Having my private memories, my things that I had shared with Sam. I had a book that he had written in 4th grade. It was an assignment to write a book about his most special memory. The teacher had them bound with hardback. Sam's book was dedicated to his mom. He wrote about a football game that I had taken him to. It was a Kansas City Chiefs game. His first professional football game. He wrote in great detail about what a wonderful time he had that day with his mom. I have read it over and over. A little boy whose most cherished memory was with his mother. I got the tickets from a friend who had season tickets right behind the Chiefs bench. We could hear everything that was being said by the coaches and players. But the thing that he talked about most was what a wonderful time he had with his mom.

Dee,

I loved the story. I have reread it several times. I feel like that could be my story. All the feelings, emptiness, but a little hope at the end. Thank you for sharing.

Laurie,

I love your memorial. I think it is a wonderful tribute. I love the picture.

Susan,

I feel like I have missed so much. It sounds like you have had a lot happen the last few months. Im still trying to catch up with my reading.

Shannon,

Aiden's party sounds awesome. A memory for a little boy. I love the costumes. I know how much the continued contact from Trista's friends means. I hear from Sam's often and it always warms my heart that he is still a part of their lives. I'm sorry your husband is back in treatment but glad he is getting help. My daughter is still in jail. She completed inpatient treatment, but had to turn herself back in to finish her 6 months probation violation. She is getting out next week to go to long term treatment also. I have a little hope for her now, but addiction us such a evil nasty thing. She is doing better than she has in years just having the last 3 months to clear her head.

Wade,

Thank you for the stairway. It helps me remember what I live for sometimes.

I am back on the truck headed to Montana. I took a little time for myself which seemed to help. I feel like I have surrendered a littlr to the fact that none of the circumstances surrounding Sam's death will ever be clear to me. I know in my heart that there was some sort of cover up. I know that his father stole the insurance money that Sam wanted me to put away for am emergency. I know in my heart that something else happened that night. But I think at least for today, I can have peace in my heart that nothing I do will bring him back and I will see him again. I am just tired of fighting everyone and everything for answers that I never get. I think of Wade and all the good he does knowing that Brooks is watching down on him. I want Sam to be proud of me and the way I live my life.

Sam I will always love you. I am living for the time when I will see you again.

[SamDsmom]

Becky,

We must have posted at the same time. I am so sorry you still have the continued court battles. My heart goes out to you. The injustice of it all. I think of Jared often and keep you all in my heart and prayers. It's so hard. I try to remember for myself that we all answer for the things that we do. I have an old friend who tells me, "what's done in the dark always comes to the light, just not always in our time".

I try to hold onto that because I believe it's so true.

Debbie

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Debbie, I was thinking of posting another smaller ad in the local papers asking if anyone has seen the woman who  killed Jesse and to call the sheriff dept...she had ran away and is hiding since April...I just want the court date done and behind us...maybe one day...

 

I am glad that you were able to touch some of Sam's physical things...the book sounds precious...we hold on to those treasures....it is not surprising you could not "do" too much...it was good your mom and sisters were there for you that day...

 

I went over to Jesse's house the other day to retrieve on of his shirts that Christina was asking for...I don't like going there but we are not ready to sell it either...

 

Sending you a hug as you travel across the states...

 

***********************************

 

Becky, just so hard...thinking of you...

[SamDsmom]

Laurie,

I have often thought about putting something like that in the local paper. Maybe offering a small reward for any information about the circumstances of Sam's death. But due to all of the thousands of people in town for the festival that night I didn't think most if them would even see it. It is something to consider. Even if she saw it and knew you haven't given up. She will answer one day. Maybe not in a court of our law, but I believe a higher Court.

Debbie

[ptlhal063]

Today is 2 months since we lost my precious grandson, after just one day. Our hearts are aching. We are broken.

My dear Baby Brian....how I love and miss you. You are Grandma's Angel.

An Angel wrote in the book of life

Our baby's date of birth

And whispered as she closed the book

"Too beautiful for earth."

:'-(

[SamDsmom]

Tess,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious grandson. We all know your pain. So glad you found this site. My 22 year old son Sam was killed one year ago on September 21. My saving comfort is knowing that his name too is written in the Lambs Book of Life and we will see each other again one day as you will your Brian.

Debbie

[ericasmom]

Becky thanks for sharing the duck video. Good to see them growing and changing under your care. Your Jared is smiling on your good heart.

The court battles are a factor in all of this crap, I am sorry for it and will send extra energy to let things rule in your Family's favor.

 

Laurie, I like the piece to put in the local paper. It is important that Folks remember and are reminded of those who leave early. It is important to see that time does not change the facts, only can soften the blow a bit.

 

Shannon, boy even behind your mask you can see Trista in your gaze for sure. I love the whole party, love that Robin was represented by two good women, and that he had a great time. You are his sidekick Shannon, and Trista is his angel sidekick for sure. How lovely her friends are to come and take a part in the party. Very sweet people.

 

 

[shorty16]

To my friends,

I wanted to share something good that happened to me today.

During the process of getting my hair permed, the beautician dripped neutralizer in my ear and down my back..among other things. I laughed about it. She said " You have a good and happy outlook on life.. Not much bothers you."

After she said that, I thought to myself "After what I have been through, a little chemicals down my back and in my ear is nothing."

I realized how far I have come in my grief process and it made me very happy to know I am becoming the person I wanted to be...able to be happy again.

Thank you to all here. Each of you, in your own way, contribute to my happiness.

I wanted to share.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[ericasmom]

Colleen, how nice to feel your happy voice, to know that you have found a place that feels right. nice of you to share.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

More tomorrow.....I have been blessed with reading some 'sweet stories'.....am tired now....

but....we need those 'sweet stories' as much as we need 'the pain stories'....

 

we so need to know those survival stories....

 

that we can walk out of the drowning...and up to the shore....thank you.

[Guest]

.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora.....SO  happy to hear from you....we all know how busy you are.....still.....we do need to hear...

I am so short on time now....will post more later....but....I do believe that was a 'special sign/message from your girl'....who, better than him, to help carry the 'message'...?

[SamDsmom]

Lora,

Thank you for sharing that story. I think our kids send us messages and signs all the time, we just have to be open to them.

I'm glad you had a good time on your trip.

Colleen,

I do need those positive stories. I still catch myself feeling guilty for laughing or any glimpse of happiness. It is better than it used to be though.

Still on that never-ending roller coaster ride, but it doesn't seem as scary and the ups and downs not quite so radical. Missing my boy today. I have a little anxiety thinking about the service a year ago.

Debbie

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos. I thought to check back in to BI after being off for awhile.

Glad to see that the attack glitch has been remedied.

 

Colleen----Love your story of being at the hairdressers.  It does give one a good

feeling to be able to genuinely laugh again, and feel happiness.  Thanks for posting.

 

Thinking of all here at BI and wishing peace and comfort to you.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[daveydow1]

Some of our potatoes. Still lots to dig.

[wgreenlee]

Sherry...

How I wish I had a garden... Those look better than store potatoes.  I remember going over to my grandparent's house when I was young, and we always had meat, potatoes, and vegetables for dinner, no matter what.

 

Debbie...

Thinking about you...I also had a little withdrawal when Brooks' burial and Celebration anniversary came.  I have had more positive days since and that has helped.

 

Lora...

So good to hear from you.  Hope you had wonderful weather for Sunfest.  Your comment..."Life will never be the same, but I just keep going, I continue to try to figure out who I am without Cara being on this earth.   I don't sweat the small stuff."...is so true.  I would love to see into the future and see myself in five years so I could either prepare or rejoice.  I am trying to rejoice in "things" but, like you said, I am not the same and don't know what makes me happy any more.  Odd?

 

Colleen...

"After what I have been through, a little chemicals down my back and in my ear is nothing." ... kind of goes along with Lora's "I don't sweat the small stuff."  Still, don't those chemicals burn a little?  I know they sure smell!

 

Tess...

That was a moving poem...so few words but yet so true.  I am thinking of you and your family as you navigate these early days of grief.  I didn't mention this early, but some of Brook's baseball teammates made him a couple of jerseys in memory of him.  They did ask me before if I it would be ok...and I loved the idea.  They now are on his wall in his room.  I think you will know just the right time to give your son and his wife that gift from your heart.

 

Laurie...

Hugs back to you from across the states.  Talked with my brother this morning.  He's from Kiel, WI, and he had stopped by my stepdad's place in Minneapolis to see how he was doing.  He was heading to my other brother's to hunt grouse.  That is a wonderful tribute to Jesse.  I do so love that picture.  I use to just beg my grandpa to let me run the tractor...or at least sit next to him.

 

Shannon...

What a day Aiden had...  He will remember that...you too.  I dressed up a few times with Brooks for Halloween, but Renea and he always dressed up together, even when he was older.  Usually for bowling tournaments on Halloween.  Their best costumes were Drew Carey and Mimi when that show was popular.  I have that picture on a wall.  Aiden looks a little like Brooks at that age...blond hair and infectious smile.  I applaud you for the time you share with Ashley.  I know that must be very difficult, but yet it must mean so much to Ashley.  I believe that is a true gift you are giving her.  I also am so grateful for Brooks' friends...they keep me going some days.  Sometimes they just call, text, or FB me and ask how I'm doing.  It seems to be on days that I am low...maybe Brooks is sending them a sign.

 

Susan...

"On this site we can share our stories....the stories are as unique as our child is unique...and our loss is unique...we walk and live in different places....work at different jobs....but when we read each others stories....we have a common ground...and we nod in agreement and understanding...for we have a deep knowing of just where you were/are on this grief journey."  Yes...yes...yes!  I also echo your sentiments to those who are so faithful on this site to make my grief journey easier.  I simply cannot imagine what it would have been like if I had never found this site.  I believe I was guided here for a reason...hope is getting closer, but yet still so elusive.

 

Here's something I have wanted to share for a while, but wasn't quite sure...

You all know I've been working out at a gym pretty religiously these last few months.  I use Brooks' phone when I work out so I can listen to Pandora or his music.  On August 19th, I left the gym pretty emotional...at least the sweat mixed with the tears...and I got into my truck and my phone rang.  It was from Brooks.  Being a little goofy I answered and kept saying hello.  After hanging up I thought I just bumped it or something even though it was on the seat next to me.  Then I kinda got upset because I hadn't even told him I loved him.  Funny how our emotions just take control of our minds...  Driving home I decided to stop at Brooks' site and the whole time I kept praying he would call again.  When I got to his site I took my phone in one hand and his in the other making sure I didn't bump anything.  When I got to his grave I fell on my knees and just prayed he would call again.  I held both phones out in front of me so I made sure I didn't bump anything...and he called.  My phone rang and it said it was from Brooks.  I made sure I said I loved him and had a good conversation, even though it was one-sided.  Now, I'm pretty analytical and so afterwards I still kind of thought it was an accident, but...when I looked at the number called from his phone it wasn't my number from his contacts.  That number has my area code and this number only had the seven digits.  When I looked at his call log it didn't say to dad...only the number.  I'm pretty techy and have thought about that ever since and I just can't figure out how that number was called except by the providence of God.  I think I now have my faith back.  Even though I love the Lord, I have been pretty angry at Him.  I prayed many times a day for God to save my son from addiction, etc. and give him a good life.  I just knew that would come true...my faith said it had to come true because God says so.  When Brooks was killed I just couldn't figure out why my prayers weren't answered.  Hopefully some day I will know...I hope some day we will all know...but after the day with the phones I haven't asked "why" so much, but only thanked God for sending that sign.  Now I think I am ready to go back to church and begin that part of my life again.  Renea has been volunteering and making new friends at church, and I think that might be why her journey is farther along than mine.  We'll see this weekend.  I am just afraid that going back to where we had his celebration will throw me for a loop.

 

To you, my precious boy...thank you for all that you still do in my life...seen and unseen.  I hope to get another call some day and I will know it's from you!  I love you, Brooks...Dad 

 

Peace and love to all of you!!!

 

 

[Steve s mom]

Wade

I had a phone incident to

On my car cell phone I never use unless making a call if need Steve knew I hardly use it so never left messages and I never texted

Shortly after he died ,I picked up the phone to make a call I had a missed call from Steve's cell phone

His cell phone was with police then and for 2 yr as evidence

I was so upset I thought he called and I missed it ,of course I knew he wouldn't be calling

I looked and there was a text the only one I ever got

It said I'm home

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sherry, those are some great looking potatoes. There is nothing better than fresh potatoes and they are so much better than the stores...

 

Colleen, thanks for sharing. The death of a close loved one helps put other things that happen to us in life into a whole different perspective. So much of what is fretted over in daily life is so trivial...

 

Tess, sending warm thoughts your way. I agree with Wade, that was a lovely poem.

 

Wade, thank you for sharing. Your story about Brooks very much touched my heart this morning. What I needed. It keeps me going to hear these special touches our children send us when we need them most.

 

Kiel Wisconsin is not too far from us about 3 hours east. My SIL, Trudi, lives in Plymouth WI which is a bit south of that town. Lake Michigan is not far from that and this last summer Christina and I were able to go to the shores of the lake in Sheboyan. It was one of the few days where I had a small outing that actually went sort of decent.  It sounds like you have plenty of family in this area. Are you planning a trip back to visit them?

 

Kate, how are you and Ross holding up? Have all the geese left your area yet? We still have a few birds lingering around that are migratory birds.

 

Dee, how is the little baby boy? He sure had a lot of hair in that one photo you posted...your son and his wife must be glad to have you near by to help out. Little ones are a lot of work! But worth it.

 

Becky, thanks for the update on the ducklings...my sister has a ton of birds that visit in her yard. She raises some birds and because of that the excess seed always goes outside to feed the wild ones...so they know where their food comes from. Some will even come to the window if she is late.

 

Susan, thanks for all the encouragement you are to others. Do you have to prepare anything for colder weather down there?

 

Mary Ann, thank you for sharing story about Steve. I know how much these touches mean to us...

 

Lora, also loved the story about your sign from Cara...I am glad it brought some small measure of comfort...I am sorry to hear that your brother is not progressing like everyone had hoped...you never know though...

 

Debbie, it is good to see your posts again...it is a hard journey and I know that this site and all of the wonderful people here helped me so I would not drown in my sorrow.

 

Thanks to all who come and post, it does help to walk with others and share with others who truly understand this pain and get it.

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, without a doubt Brooks was letting you know that he is still around in spirit. I have had so many things happen regarding Jeff that I could write a book. These signs occur mostly to give us support and to help us know that it is ok to move along... that they are now at peace and wanting the same for us.  We are only human and the prospect of living a life without them in it seems unbearable. But what we are not able to understand is that they have being taken back to their true home to be guided and loved unconditionally. God knows Brooks better than anyone. He created him. He also knows that despite his addiction he fought hard to lick it...and good for him! His heart was a good one. Thanks for sharing. Kate  

[ericasmom]

Hi You All,

feel so busy, too busy to hang out but I love you all and am thinking of you. Babies are good Laurie, thanks for asking. This weekend I will put up some photos.

Wade, what a great message from your Brooks. WOW!

I love the stories of the messages, if you are feeling it then you know it is. Others might shrug it off, but we know when our Beloved Kids are letting us know, tucking us in with their love.

[tobyfreefoot]

maryann--i love the i'm home message.  i hope it gave you comfort.  it does me

 

[ericasmom]

Sherry, so good to see you here and please pass the potatoes. Wow, those look delicious. You and Denny have a very productive farm.

 

Gretchen so good to see you.

 

Lord Maryanne, I sure love that message. They are indeed home. They are better than good where they are.

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie....I wanted so much to 'write' to you after you posted about 'Sam's Little Book'....and where you 'are' now....

it seems as if my feet do not hit the ground in the same place here lately.....

 

I want you to know....(and this is just the way I think and feel).....Sam's love for you....so highlighted in that small sweet book...is still the same...love does not end....and he is near you....

  am glad you got to spend some time apart...I know that must have been healing....and you say you have 'given up' on trying to find 'what' happened to your Sam...and trying to find out how his Dad got the insurance...that I think we all agree that Sam wanted you to have....and find the answers to the other 100's of questions concerning that night that Sam passed...

 

I do not think you have 'given up'.....

  When we lose that child...the one thing that is taken from ALL of us....(no matter how they passed) is PEACE...

for this grief journey is a dark and broken road...our lives are turned upside down...blindsided...shattered...and it is so exhausting...so very physically heavy....

    We go and go and go.....til we crash into a wall....

One of our Mom's on the site...Becky..our Warrior Mom....fought and fought and fought....for a wrong to be made right...a speed limit was changed....she was relentless...to make sure another child did not meet the same fate as her J.D.....she has had some bad health issues...and I do believe it was because the grief just broke her down...for she was so strong...and creative...and we all pray that she will be healed and restored.

     I think what you have done....is so very, very wise...because you back tracked every dark alley.....you put a light in every dark corner....you left no stone unturned.......

  and one has to ask....how many times can one survive after hitting that brick wall time and time again ??

And there is a question of resources. One doesn't do anybody any good if you use up all resources..(speaking of $$$) and you are left destitute and still no answers...

      It is a turning point when a parent learns there are things which we have no control over....

and that is when some decide they will seek...PEACE....

and Debbie...you and I have our other children that need us...as much as that child we lost ...your daughter that has so many issues with addiction..needs you...and both of us know that we need peace in our lives to carry on with the Grace that God/Mother/Father of the Universe is trying to give us to heal.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

...many thoughts in my head right now...I would appreciate any prayers. Thanks.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

I just about went berserk when I heard this...here we are upcoming on the second anniversary of my son's death and all she can think about is a frickin date and SEX? I am about that far from a nervous breakdown...

 

 

 

No...No...No....Laurie...you are not going to have a nervous breakdown....

 

it is hard to understand that there are people 'out there' that do not have your foundation or values or code of living..

yes...it is hard....but...you have to know that this person does not 'think..walk..act...live...love...work..care..'   in your sense of the world that you live in....

      she simply doesn't live in your world....now.....

she will never live in your world...

she will never understand where you 'live'...

she will never understand where you hurt...grieve...care....

 

and she will never understand how you loved that boy....

....it is a mute point now....

 

I don't know if drugs have taken her that far from the living world ?

And....I feel like that has happened ....that she is so 'addicted'....nothing can reach her now....

 

but....am glad you finally can trace and find her....please send the posse to get her....and don't worry about anything except getting her where she can be found....that is the most important puzzle piece now....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Susan, just so much to process...on overload...

[ptlhal063]

Hi again,

I'm sorry, I don't really know many members but I do pray for you all.

I think I messed up really good today. Unintentionally. But I do believe it's true.

There is a local "Walk to Remember" in October here for pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and infant/child loss. Sponsored by a neonatal bereavement organization.

My daughter and I plan to do the walk in memory of my Grandson, her Godson.

I so foolishly asked my daughter in law (mom) if she was interested in going. And if not, would she mind if we walked in honor of Baby Brian.

She got very upset. :'-( Said it wouldn't make anything easier. She didn't think she could do it. And didn't mind if we did in Baby Brian's honor.

But she was so sad,and I felt so bad. We were both crying and I feel like such an insensitive idiot for bringing it up. :'-(

But on the other hand, I didn't want to leave her out, offend her or overstep my bounds by going without asking. He's my Grandson, but he's their CHILD.

I told her I was so very sorry. And that I was just hoping to help. That none of us know how to help, and that maybe if she connected with other parents, it could help.

But she is just hurting too much. :'-( And now I feel like I've added to it. :'-(

And then I find out that my two sons (one is Brian Sr.) had a close call at work. They were jacking up a porch and the front half of it just came crumbling down while they were under it. :'-( They weren't hurt, but very well could've been. I think Baby Brian was watching over his Daddy and uncle. <3

Rough one today.

[Jeff's Mom]

Tess, I believe that your attempt to reach out to your daughter-in-law was done so out of your sincere desire to offer comfort and support. Please, do not beat yourself up over this. She is still so raw and hurting. In the early stages of grief we are all so fragile. I personally think that what you suggested was a lovely idea to offer comfort. I am very pleased to read that your son was ok after his near brush with a serious accident!

 

Maryanne...I loved your message. Such a warm comforting sign.

 

Dee, yes, the little ones can be such a comfort. I know you are tired, but it is a great way to be exhausted. How is the baby doing? Have you had an opportunity to get out for any of your cherished walks? Still taking any photos?

 

Sherry, it looks as if you are really busy with your harvesting. I can't believe how quickly summer has passed.

 

Becky, Iove your video of your babies.

 

Laurie, the geese are leaving by the thousands. Last evening I listened as shot guns went off every minute or so. It made watching TV a distraction. I am not a fan of hunting. I kept hoping that they missed. We are holding our own as the days fly by. The trees are so lovely and each day brings about a new panorama of colour.

 

Susan, hold on. I know that certain conditions and circumstances can push our buttons. What is the news with the grandchildren?

 

Leah, how are you? I was so pleased to see that things were going in your favour. And I knew all along that they would. You are a great mom, daughter, and grandmother! I know it can be tough... but you have remained true to who you are. Good for you! How is your Mom making out with her health issues?

 

Cherry, how are your doing?

 

Shannon, I am truly sorry about the difficulties you are encountering at this time. My heart goes out to you and the kids. How is your Gram doing these days?

 

Wade, again...hold on. The first two years are brutal. It's like walking over hot coals. Brook's spirit will always live on. Love never dies. He was positive energy for sure. I can't answer your questions. But I can say that I know that as a loving dad you will be reunited again with your boy when it is your appropriate time. How is Renea liking her new position? How is the exercise routine coming along? A great and healthy way to work off stress.

 

Sandy, how is Kelly doing?

 

Ted, we have not heard from you for a bit...how are you coping? How is your wife feeling these days?

 

Brenda, if you are reading at all...I really miss your photos of wildlife and flowers. Hope all is well your way.

 

Maddy, I imagine that you have graduated from your course by now. Wishing you a successful new life.

 

Sending love to all and wishing you a peaceful evening. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie.....you and yours have been under so much ....we can call it grief...tragedy...a number of horrific situations...

 

what...ever.....you or they want to label it....

 

the one thing I can label it....is paralyzing grief....

 

we are all here to hear you....

.....and that 'person' who drove in front of your SONshine boy...who caused him to pass...

 

'SHE' ....is beyond your understanding....'SHE' is left to heaven....

 

there will never be a court....to give sufficient justice...or to give you 'peace'...

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Tess...don't beat yourself up too bad.....

your heart was and is in the right place...

...we...as parents....may not be perfect parents....but there is nothing wrong or imperfect in our love....

[ericasmom]

Lora, don't know if I commented on the lovely message you had at work the other day. I am so glad.

 

Laurie, prayers are being doubled for you and the family as you go along facing so many issues. Prayers and hope.

 

Tess, what you did today was not bad, it was good. At this point, your DIL's tears are going to fall. They need to, to not walk for Baby Brian would make her cry, to walk in his honor will make her cry, to wake up in the morning without him makes her cry, all of you cry. I am so sorry. But what you did was very nice really and the tears are simply what must happen.

[tobyfreefoot]

shannon so sweet of abby (and you) to dress up for your son.   those good friends filling in the big hole in his life the best they can is so sweet.  i'm sure trista was making the moment special.

 

becky saw this at the store and thought of jared.  never again will i see something rasta/reggae like without thinking of him.  hoping all the couit bs will turn out more justly than it has up until now.

 

tess63 believe me you didn't cause your dil anymore pain.  it is there whether people mention it or not.  maybe she will feel more like meeting others when the newness and intensity of grief moves over enough for her to be able to feel her need for support.  i didn't look for this site for months after my son died. i am sorry for your loss and think it was very nice for you and your daughter to honor baby brian and hope it helped you to openly share your pain with others.

[SamDsmom]

Laurie,

Thinking of you today. Sending extra prayers and thoughts of peace. I know a little about what you are going through. My heart is with you. I wanted to tell you that my husband and I did go see Rev. Apple and I bought his book. I haven't had a chance to read it yet, But he us a very kind man. The visit was very good for me. He told my husband that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with me except complete total grief for the loss of my child. All my behaviors are to be expected and that I need support and time. Everything that I learned here but to here someone say it to him was very comforting. Thank you again for telling me about him.

Susan,

Thank you for the encouraging words yesterday. I am at the point that I am very focused on what Sam would want me to do. It all gets muddled for me at times. I have found as everyone here tells me that this all changes day by day minute by minute. How we feel, how we react. Today I find myself thinking I can't believe he's gone. Like it all just happened this morning without the raw shock.

Lora, Wade and Maryann,

I love the messages that Cara, Steve and Brooks sent. I so believe that they communicate with us when we stop to see and listen. A similar thing happened to Sam's dad about 2 weeks after.

His phone rang in the middle of the night and Sams name and number came up on the caller ID. The police still had the phone. There was no one there when he answered and when he tried to call it back it went straight to VM. I called verizon and was told there was no record of the call on Sam's or Dave's bill. Which there should have been since he answered and tried to talk. They had no explanation. But I know in my heart that it was Sam saying I'm here with you.

Kate,

I bet everything is beautiful in your neck of the woods. How's Ross doing?

Tess,

Please don't be hard on yourself about your daughter in law. There have been so many times that people have tried to comfort me, others also grieving in my family, my husband and daughters. Sometimes it's hard to remember that they mean well. I see nothing wrong with it and I would be honored if my family wanted to do that in Sam's memory but we are all different, our grief and how we express it.

Wishing peace for everyone today.

Debbie

Wishing everyone a peaceful day.

[Jeff's Mom]

Debbie, even after all of this time I often find myself blocking things out. One day this week it hit me very hard. It comes in waves for me. If I keep busy and focus on other things then I am usually doing pretty good. It is the down time in the day...the quiet times at night...that my heart aches for him. I too frequently can not believe that he is actually gone.

 

The week has been just amazing. The weather could not be more perfect. Warm and sunny days followed by clear star filled nights. The leaves are raining off of the trees today as we enjoy a gentle breeze. I wish I could capture this type of day forever. I am thinking of everyone and hoping your day is filled with some sense of peace and comfort. Love to all, Kate

[SamDsmom]

I so feel what you said about the nighttime Kate. It can be the worst. Sometimes I can fall asleep and 15 minutes later wake up with horrible anxiety.

I finally got my necklaces for my girls and I. I am having then engraved and then taken to have the ashes put in them. They are very pretty. Hope to have them done for Christmas.

[Sholl1955]

Hello all.  Haven't been on but reading and thinking of you all.  Kate, hubby has had a set back.  But one day at a time.   Have a restfull afternoon and evening

Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

When a parent posts a message or sign they get from their child....I get these instant tears in my eyes...and a happy feeling comes all over me....

    the messages from Brooks, Steve and Cara were so 'personal' and right on the spot....

we just can't take that for 'coincidence'.....

 

I have not heard that 'whistle' in many months...I will ask for a sign...or whatever....

but I have been over the top busy....I think I decide to accomplish 'this and that'.....and then I decide to create a 'this and that'...and I have had dinner for Hunter Bear, Ricky and Pibby ..Mon, Tues, and Wednesday....Randa works those 3 days and George has been flying to Italy on those days so he can be home for Ricky's game on Thursday and Hunter Bear's game on Friday.....

  and...Pibby and Travis (he is the son of Randa's best friend).. come to my house after school on those days....snacks and homework has to get done...

 

Ricky and Mike...(Ricky is a Spanish boy..Mike is a Black boy)....have moved back in with Ran and George....those boys were on George's Youth football team...years ago....both come from very shattered and abusive homes.....and we have welcomed them in our family....last year...Mike moved back with his Mom cause her boyfriend went to prison..and he got a scholarship to play football for Kilgore Jr. College....Ricky moved back with his Mom...(she promised him that things would be different..and his two little brothers moved back..they had been living with an Aunt)...long story short......both boys got into some 'trouble' and things were not working out at home....so...George has gone and talked to Blinn..and Mike will start back in January....he had to talk to Ricky's probation officer and the school officials....got Ricky reinstated on the football team...(in fact..Ricky made a touchdown at last week's game and yesterday's game....I told him I would buy him some football gloves if he made  2 touchdowns).....Mike now has a job....and both boys are doing great....

   but it brings to light all the kids that fall through the cracks....and what a difference it makes if they just had a home with structure, food on the table and clean clothes and a clean house....these boys don't ask for much....they have such gratitude for even the smallest thing....like brownies...supper on time...

 

and there is Taylor..she decided she wanted to graduate this year....and she has these College classes at 7 in the morning...Austin is at UT....

   so my schedule has been ramped up....but....as everyone on this site knows....it is a blessing to be busy...and to give something needed....

    I have also cooked 'extra' so when George is home....and Randa is running Pibby to soccer and gymnastics....there is something cooked.....and I decided to make these plates for Austin...I freeze them and when he comes home he takes them back and that helps him out....

      I have always had an over abundance of energy.....after losing John David my energy level was '0'.....I don't know if it is coming back from healing time or the fact that I have been 'needed'....probably...a little both...

       I seem to have something like background music playing....more like a 'grief song'....I don't think there has been an hour that I have not thought about my John David....so that is still a constant...I don't put it somewhere or lay it down...it runs through me...

 

[daveydow1]

Wade----The meat & potatoes dinners you had at your grandparents must have

been so good and always memorable. My husband loves the meat/potatoes-type

dinners too.

 

 

Dee-----

The season is quickly winding down. There's only the soybean fields,

and I think they will be a crop insurance claim this year......not a good year

for them.

 

 

Kate---

Sorry that you had a bad time. Yes...I agree, that those sad sad feelings

can come upon us no matter where we are on this journey. Our hearts hurt

always, then sometimes they hurt worse. The fall is such a lovely time of year,

with the leaves turning, and the heat of the summer past. The skies always

seem such an intense blue, and birds and animals scurrying about.

 

Laurie-----Thanks for your post.

 

 

HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY, DAVEY.

  FOREVER YOUNG, FOREVER LOVED.

 

 

 

WISHING   ALL INDIGOS  PEACE,  COMFORT,   AND A SERENE NIGHT'S   REST.

 

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry