Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I just wanted to acknowledge those who have just posted, Mandy's Mom, Lisa (son Benjamin), Suzie (son, Brad) and Mollie (Breanna).

 

All those who have responded already, I echo their sentiments. This site has helped me in so many ways, with kind hearts and caring words. Where I live, I do not have a group of parents here that I could have shared this grief with.

 

Susan, will pray for Tay and her mom.

 

Debbie, sounds like settling down somewhere to heal is what Sam would have wanted.

 

Dee, thank you for your wise and kind sayings. And for sharing your girl Erica with us all. A huge heart and beautiful free spirit.

 

Colleen, also thinking of you today.

 

Shannon, I pm'd you.

 

Becky, thinking of you, Grief can be tricky sometimes, especially around those milemarkers in time. Wishing you gentleness in the days ahead.

 

 

 

 

[tobyfreefoot]

haven't had a chance to catch up.  glancing through, i see there are a lot of new people.  i am saddened to see you all here.  this is one of the only places i could find solace.  i hope i will have time to visit with each of you soon.  a few days ago my first husband's (forest's dad) step daughter for 10 years posted this picture of her as a baby with karey and forest.  such a surprise to see.  so sweet of my son.  i missed my antidepressants yesterday, i didn 't go to work and slept 17 hours and spent my driving time today screaming "no and it's not true" just like reliving the first day, blea i feel like i'm gonna keep going backwards forever.  on the bright side debbie went to the roadside memorial for me.  so wonderful of her.  i'm hoping she will get a chance to post the pic and tell about her visit.

[daveydow1]

Becky----thanks for posting those inspirational words. They are so true. Your pool

looks so lonely, somehow........remembering when you posted pics of all the baby

ducks in there.....now they've gone.  You can be proud that you supplied them with

a nice & safe place to swim while they were so vulnerable to predators etc.....they

were such cute duckies!  

 

Susan-----thanks for the pics of your twin daughters.....and I am praying for Tay.

 

Lisa----I'm sorry for your loss of your only child, Benjamin.  This has to be very

painful for you....I'm sorry.  You are right....that life has changed forever. It just has

to change after such a devastating loss.  I hope you will come back to this site.

Peace & comfort.

 

Molly-------So very sorry for you loss of your son, Lance.  You have found a

large and active site here at BI.  Everyone understands. Please come back.

 

Mandysmom----You are so new to this painful road, and I am so sorry for your

loss of your dear daughter.  There are many parents on this site, at many different

timelines on the grief journey.  You will find understanding here, and people who

know the sorrow you are in now. Peace to you.

 

 

Shannon----

Sorry to hear that you are in a dark place.  Thoughts & prayers.

 

 

Laurie----

Our garden is indeed done for the season, and is all worked down and

ready for the fall rains and winter snows, which will enrich it for the next season.

Those groundhogs can be so very persistent, and difficult to get rid of. We finally

got rid of the one that was burrowing under one of our sheds, by just pestering and

hectoring him/her until it finally gave up & left.....but it is not an easy task. Hope

that your groundhog will be making itself scarce soon.....going to sleep for the winter.

 

Debbie----thanks for your kind words, friend.  Always good to see Sam's smile.

 

Suzie----Yes----I agree that no matter what age.....our sons and daughters are always our babies.

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   A   GOOD  NIGHT'S   REST   FOR  ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

     

[SamDsmom]

Well here are some picturesi took at Forest's memorial. I hate that it was dark and the pictures aren't great. I am going to try to stop back by on our return trip. We will be hauling ice cream though and depending on the packaging will determine the route. I never realized that ice cream can explode in high altitudes. Anyway, the memorial looks great. It is a little weathered, but still beautiful. I pulled out some tumbleweeds and pulled a few weeds. The string of dragonfly solar lights shone brightly after my husband shined his flashlight on it. It was such an honor for me to stop by. I feel very blessed for the opportunity. I want to share something else thathappened. We had just gotten out when a sheriff's officer whipped around and approached us wanting to know what business we had there. We explained what we were doing. He was very relieved. He said that he was working when the accident happened and has always felt compelled to watch over the site. He said that he just wanted to make sure our intentions were good. He gaveme his card and asked me to give his name and number to Gretchen and tell her to call him anytime. He would be happy to check on itor just reassure her that it is okay. He was so nice.

Gretchen....I feel like I have been robbed of so much of those kind of things when it comes to Sam, it was such an honor to be asked to do this. Thank you

[shorty16]

Idressie,

What your feeling is completely normal. The physical pain associated with this grief is unbearable at times (all the time, in the beginning).

Please be kind to yourself. I am glad you have found candles, prayers and your garden to soften the pain, if for only seconds. Those seconds of relief will turn into minutes, as time goes on.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

[Mandy's mom]

Thank you to everyone - you have been so supportive I appreciate it.

 

Mandy was born with a disability that we never had a name for.  She had developmental delays and was in a wheelchair.  She didn't speak but was able to communicate.  She was

well known in our community and everyone loved her.  She was always smiling and happy.  She never was able to speak but definately could communicate.   She loved life.  She enjoyed sailing, biking, long walks, shopping, listening to her Dad play the guitar.  

 

Despite her disability she had a full life.  At one time she was able to walk holding on to furniture and cruise around and use a walker to walk.  When she got taller she lost that ability and got around in a wheelchair.  We watched her lose her ability to do things but she never lost her spunk. 

 

She was still in high school and today would have been her last day. 

 

May of 2013 she has a spinal fusion for severe scoliosis done at Boston Childrens Hospital and she had a great year.  She sat up perfectly and was so comfortable. 

 

Around June of of this year she seemed to be in pain and we were able to control it.  The doctors could not find any reason for it.  You could see her body failing her but she still was happy and loved going out. 

 

We took lots of walks and rides in my van.   She was my best friend.  I was her primary caregiver, but not her only caregiver.  My husband would come home from work and spend time with her and she was definately a daddy's girl.  My son also helped us with her care. 

 

My whole life was centered around her.  I knew she was going to live with us the rest of her life and was honored to be able to be there for her. 

 

We put her to bed on September 24th like any other night.  We found the morning of the 25th she passed away overnight.  It has been a horrible 3 weeks.  I miss her so much.  I have been caring for her for almost 22 years.  I feel so empty without her.  Noone expected her to go this young.  Her doctors didn't expect this.  Such a big loss!  Thanks for letting me share.  Hope it makes sense.  I am writing this between the tears.

[Allysons mom]

Hi. It has been a long long time since I've posted, but I read every day. There are so many times that what I read is something that totally relates to us at the same time I read it and I want to respond, but for some reason, I just can't. It has taken me like 20 minutes to write these few sentences!!

First, I want to thank all of you who have been here a while and shared so much of what you've been through. Reading your thoughts and experiences have helped us realize that our experiences are normal for parents who have lost their child. I appreciate all of you pouring your hearts out to help others on this site.

I am so sorry for everyone here, losing your beloved children. I lost my daughter, Allyson July 5, 2012. She was a happy, healthy 22 year old who just graduated college. She went to bed early on July 5 and never woke up. We waited 3 1/2 months for autopsy results and there was no cause.

For all of the new parents here, the early days, weeks, months are so very painful. Physically and emotionally. Little by little, you learn how to live without your baby. Little by little, the pain is more bearable.

I seriously don't know how I have lived this long without Allyson, but here I am. I had help. A really good therapist and some very good friends. Plus, reading the posts on this site.

I don't remember who said what here, but I do know that Susan mentioned Texas A&M. My Allyson loved her South Carolina Gamecocks and I thought of Susan and John David while A&M was kicking Carolina's behind! Susan, I am praying for good news for your granddaughter.

Thank you all again for being on this site.

Sheryl

[ericasmom]

mkl, I hate that your niece/daughter had to endure sexual abuse and then abandonment from her Mom...I am however so glad that your Girl had you to help pick up her pieces and try to put them back together  again. The damage was so big that she felt she needed to leave, but she knew love because of you. She knew that there are people in the world who do care, who do reach out, who will listen. She must be very proud to have you in her corner, and now you have her in yours. The anger toward your Sister seems a natural consequence to her behavior, it may lighten some as time goes, but you may want some help with the anger so taht your life isn't spent dealing with that, rather finding ways to deal with it for what it is. As far as when life begins to feel livable???It is different for us each but it does happen and when you feel that it just isn't happening, understand that the best way to honor your sweet niece will be to find a way to live in her light. Making life feel like it is doable will have a lot to do with going out into the world and finding what matters to you now.

 

Mandy's Mom, your little Girl is smiling on you as she was known to do. Her big bright smile is shining on the woman who took such good care of her. She is free of all restraints that her illness caused now. I think that she must be very proud of the Momma you are.

 

Allyson's Mom, I am glad to see you tonight. I know that time seems to go by even when we are at our saddest, even when it seems the clock barely moves, but sure enough, two years goes past. How indeed? Here you are finding ways and now reaching out to those new, letting them know that they too will feel differently one day.

 

Sleep well All, thoughts circle you with love

[Mermaid Tears]

First I want to thank everyone for your kind words of encouragement and those prayers....prayers have power....

 

Our girl is home now.....she went through the surgery just fine....the surgeon took out two lymph nodes...he had to go deep....so....our girl will need to flutter her wings down for awhile...

    and we will hover and pet and love on her....

love is still the best medicine ever....

 

the results from the lab will not be in for a week....the surgeon explained that they do more testing and stains on lymph nodes....

 

She is vital and vibrant...strong and young....I am holding on with hope and wishes and prayers that it was just a mass of infection that the antibiotics could not budge....

  holding on with both hands...and all my heart...

 

My daughter and son-in-law looked tired and gaunt..strained and weary at the hospital....

today....bringing her home...and the surgery is over....they seem to be a little brighter and uplifted having the surgery over.

 

I will be making her favorite dishes....King Ranch Chicken and Banana Pudding today....

 

Thank you again for your caring thoughts....

[Mermaid Tears]

Sheryl...we do understand how you can wonder how you have lived this long without your Allyson...we all blink and wonder..am also glad that you can read a word or words posted and get some comfort and a kindred kind of spirit....that you are not walking alone....

   Thank you for thinking of me and my John David during the A&M game....you know...he was named after John David Crow....and now we have our Hunter Bear....(John David gave him that name when he was a baby....think 'Bear Bryant')...

 

It is a point to think about....we come to 'know' each other....but....we have a way of knowing 'the child'....I have all the 'children' memorized in my mind....I have even come to see a resemblance when I am out and about of one or the other...

 

we are on the third year of our grief journey...I am so sorry you never got an answer to why your girl had to leave....

 

for we have to know....our child would never leave us...unless they had to....

 

 

So far today.....Tay is having a good recovery.....this isn't the 'calk walk' she thought it would be....

[Mandy's mom]

Dear Mermaid Tears

 

My prayers are with you that everything goes okay for Tay.  I am glad she is seeming brighter and uplifted.

 

Best,

Mandy's mom - Susan

[Mandy's mom]

Ericasmom

Thank you for your kind words.  I could picture Mandy smiling as I read it.

[flocicero]

I'm not sure if I'm following the right format in joining this site. I've been reading all of these posts and my heart is breaking. I lost my beautiful son Michael on Sept. 27, 2014 from a drug overdose. He was 30 years old and he was my sunshine, so full of joy and laughter. He had battled addiction for the past 12 years and we never gave up on him; he has lived with us throughout. He was doing so well during the last 6 months; i was watching him blossom-this should not have happened. I'm so angry about the circumstances surrounding his death; he had come home with his girlfriend early Saturday morning and they were both in his room. She left our home around noon on Saturday the 27th and told me that her friend was picking her up and that Michael was still sleeping; i thought she looked anxious but figured the two of them had argued. I went to his room 2 hrs later and he was gone-i tried cpr, called 911 but it was too late! 

 

i called her and when she finally answered, she pretended to be shocked but i already knew better; she never came to the house to see for herself and this was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Later we realized that all of his personal belongings had gone missing, his new watch, shoes, money, debit card;  she knew he was either dying or dead when she left. There are those on this earth that have such a depth of evil. i don't know if he could have been saved and this will haunt me for a long time; i wish i would have gone to his room so much earlier, but instead i just kept on cleaning the house.  i can't bear the pain, i want my son back; i don't know how i will go on without him. I take comfort in knowing that she will never find another man as caring and loving as my son; I believe in karma.

 

I hate when night comes

 

Mike's mom

[Mandy's mom]

Hi Mike's mom.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My daughter passed away on September 25 and I just found this group myself.  It has been helpful reading posts and not feeling so alone.  On Tuesday night I went to a support group in person and that also helped me.  My prayers are with you.  I think it will help you being around people who understand.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mike's Mom....you are following the right format.....am so...so sorry about your SONshine boy....how absolutely heartless of his 'girlfriend' but....we just have to think...addiction was her reason....I can understand why the night is so dark....please read the old posts....;you will find many that have similar situations in the passing of their child...and yes....many are....

  ....waiting for the karma to kick in...

and it will....I will post more to you tomorrow....I have had some long days...and I am tired....but you will not be forgotten with the circle of parents on this site....and you will not have to walk this grief journey alone....we know how hard it is.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mandy's Mom....thank you for your thoughts....our girl is doing 'good' in recovery....as always....the young are 'ready in an instant' for it to all be over......this will be a good lesson in giving something time....and rest....for healing.

[ericasmom]

Susan, I am sending healing thoughts to your Tay, and hope of a totally benign prognosis. Thanks for the photos, they are beautiful kids.

 

Mike's Mom, you came yesterday I believe and I was so sad to see your post but so glad that you found us at the same time. We are here as testament to living after the loss of our Children. We live because we are still here but those first months and year are a swirl of uncertainty and brokenness and it will take time for any healing to happen. When I say healing, I am not saying we forget, but rather that we keep all of our sweet memories alongside our heartache because we make room in our hearts and spirits for that. Shock and horror are what we live in for the first months, and as shock wears away we find we are raw, and at times don't see why at all that we are here. But we are because we still have work to do, and so the way I look at it is we find ways to live in the light our Child left us. Just be patient with yourself because this takes time. Be good to yourself, the way Mike would want you to be because He loves you through and through. He will always be your Son, nothing gets to take that away.

[Mermaid Tears]

For the new parents on this site....I find this a healing place for me....for I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child....I was looking up something else and I was 'guided' to this site....I do really believe that....and when my human boat was going down...down...down.....the parents on this site threw me a life jacket....for I was drowning in tears and grief.

   I also discovered I wasn't going crazy...I was simply mourning....and grief is such a heavy physical emotion...and very dark and murky.....when you are put on this grief journey...you get no map or compass....you are in a foreign land....

for me.....I had the instinct to 'cocoon'......but....I did not know how.....and it was Dee....that gave me my permission and reason.....and so I dropped out of all social and community activities....parties...gatherings..large and small....and that...for me was one of the best things I could do for myself....we are all different....and we grieve in the way our child was unique...not all need to 'cocoon'......I am still not the social butterfly I was.....I am changing....but it was Dee that has said...'we change to make room for the loss'.....

    and I am still learning and working and making my way....so far....there hasn't been a 'real' easy day.....but I am learning how to carry the grief....better....

   there hasn't been an hour in any day...that has not had a thought..of my John David....I am reaching to be in balance between grace and grief....to stand in his light....to learn how to remember and honor him...it is a day by day lesson.

   I woke up the 1st of September....dreading the holidays....the parents on this site are helping me cope with this feeling of dread...and how to face them without turning my back on all of my blessings....

[daveydow1]

Sheryl----Not to worry about being unable to post. We've all been in that mode

at one time or another here.  Before I came on BI years ago, I had just stayed

in the background and read the posts.....they helped me so much...just to see

the words of others who felt the same sorrow as I did.  I hope you keep coming

to BI, and that the posts will help you in some way.  Peace to you.

 

 

Susan----

Sending more prayers for dear Tay.

 

PEACE  AND   TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping by to say I am thinking of everyone and so sorry to see so many new people. I am glad that you have found this site and agree with all that Susan and Dee have mentioned. This is a long and difficult process to get through. Using every resource at your disposal to learn to cope is the best advice that any of us can offer. Go at your own pace...do not let anyone hurry you into doing something you are not ready for. This is your call. It was your child. Everyone has their own coping strategies and we also learn many new ones. Whatever works for you is probably the best route to follow.

 

Susan, I was so sorry to read about Tay and am sending prayers and love to your family for a great outcome!

 

I am nearing five years since my son Jeff died. Hard to believe that the time has passed so quickly. I was locked in a type of time warp for what seemed like ions. The clouds have lifted after a long time and life is again taking shape. There is happiness and joy once again that has returned to my life. I have mentioned many times that I have never actually felt as if Jeff was drifting further away from my life. I feel as if I am taking him alongside me down this road. I talk to him...not in some sort of crazy lady way....but when I am silently going about a daily task, etc. I have made an effort to celebrate his life by way of some form of honoring him during the holidays. It really does help to make us feel better to do something positive in his name. He was a positive and good young man. He made loving him easy and so doing these things come naturally. The first two to three years are very, very difficult. One step forward and two back it seems. But eventually it does start to ease somewhat. If I have learned one thing from my son's death it is that life is for living. Each and every day is so precious as we all appreciate....more than ever after what we have gone through.

 

Someone asked a week ago or so when the tree will arrive. We ordered the tree some time back... for the hospital's Healing Garden. Go figure....I live surrounded by a forest of trees and yet they order the crazy things from Wisconsin. They will not arrive until December. As we have placed white and soft blue lights on it is left in the open inner garden until spring thaw. I hear that it is now known as Jeff's tree. He would have liked that as he was such a Christmas nut. Life changes dramatically when you lose a child, but the love we carry only continues to grow. Stay strong. Love to all. Kate 

[SamDsmom]

Susan,

Thoughts and prayers for Tay's continued recovery. Remember to take care of yourself. I find it so easy to wrap up in making sure everyone us okay and forgetting about myself. I always pay in the end.

Kate,

That's great about Jeff's Tree. I feel like I we all get too know each other's children here as well as each other and I know he is smiling down from heaven. The healing garden. Perfect.

To all the new parents... the thing that keeps going through my mind is something that Dee always used to say "hold on and just Breathe". Sometimes that's all we can do. I tell myself that a lot. BREATHE. The nights were and still are the hardest for me. A little sleep and then waking up in a panic. Feeling like you are hit in the stomach with a hammer. Like Susan said feeling crazy. We are all in this together here. It gets different with time.

We happened to drive through Kingman Arizona a couple if days ago and met with the son of the owner of the motel that we are taking over. We had dinner with them and the inevitable question, "how many children do you have ", came up. I automatically said 6 between us. My husband of course went on to say well only 5 now. Our son was killed last year. I have learned that I don't like to share that because I still have 6 and I have gotten very very private with my grief as far as people I don't know. Laurie, the wife, immediately teared up. She said that they had lost lost their daughter 9 years ago. She was brutally murdered. She and I spent a long time talking. I think that it was good to feel connected to her because I don't feel that way a lot any more. I just realized that. I feel more connected here than with anyone else in my life. I guess maybe it's part of the change.

We are headed to Pennsylvania and then back to Kansas City to turn in our truck. I was hoping to get back to Vega for Gretchen but it didn't work out.

Again too all the new parents. .. this is a lifesaver.

I know Sam and Brooks are cheering in heaven. The Royals and Giants are headed to the world series. I just wish they were here with us to enjoy it. Sam used to get so frustrated with the Royals, but they were his team.

Wishing everyone some peace.

[Mandy's mom]

Today was almost a normal day for us.  Our son is a senior and we went to a college open house.  I am so excited for him having his whole life ahead of him with his hopes and dreams. 

 

Tomorrow would have been Mandy's 22nd birthday.  We are taking a long walk in her memory.  I don't know how I am going to get through the day. 

 

SamDsmom I know what you mean about the nights being the hardest time. 

 

I feel like we are all dealing with this alone.  My son is in his room a lot.  My husband loses himself online or watching the history channel and I am either reading or watching movies trying to escape.   I am hoping this is not going to be our new normal.  We always spent nights hanging out together. 

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, I am pleased to hear that today was a better one for you. Good luck tomorrow with your planned walk in honor of your daughter and her birthday. In the beginning we tend to step aside into our own private sanctuary to find some form of comfort and peace. It is perfectly normal as we crave a place that is silent and comforting to try to work through our own personal hurt and loss. Your family is in shock and needing time to process the loss your daughter has made to your lives. It takes ages. When a child has required so much of your time in caregiving it is so difficult to find a way to fill that emptiness that her absence has left. Be kind to yourselves and take good care of your everyday needs...as much as it is hard. Take each and every day as it comes and just go gently. One day at a time. Good luck tomorrow.

 

Debbie, thinking of you... and thanks for your kind words these past few weeks.

 

To all my friends that I have spoken to over the years...I know I may not mention you by name every post. You are all in my thoughts as I go through each day. To those that carry very personal issues that make this process even harder...I admire your determination and strength! Thank you all for your support and kind words. We are truly blessed to have this site to help us to connect. Prayers for all. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Debbie, " think that it was good to feel connected to her because I don't feel that way a lot any more. I just realized that. I feel more connected here than with anyone else in my life. I guess maybe it's part of the change."

 

I agree Debbie, I am very disconnected from most people. For me it has been some close family, but I am cautious of who I share my grief with since I have had some odd, and at times, upsetting responses.

 

The day before yesterday I met up with a friend who had lost her husband about 10 years ago. He had a heart attack right in front of her and died on the spot. We spent the next 40 minutes just talking. She also had a cousin who got killed in an auto accident at age 18 and remembers it well. Her aunt and uncle who lost their son now live in Dillon Montana. They moved after he was killed in Wisconsin. Back to her, she said she has never considered remarriage, and that her and her husband were always together, they had known each other since their early teens. She said that even after 10 years it is still very difficult. She is one of the few people I will talk to face-to-face about this and it helped because she knew Jesse too. 

 

Kate, don't forget to post a picture of Jeff's tree. What a lovely combination for lights...

 

*************************

All those who are new here, sending prayers and gentleness for this early time.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Carol, thinking of you tonight as Mike's Angelversary was this week. Please let us know how you are doing.

 

Mike,

      Mike,

             Mike,

                     remembering you and saying your name tonight.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

to all the parents on this site...wishing you a night...a dream....of your child...I am ..so..so...so...tired..more tomorrow...promise....

 

[Mermaid Tears]

before I go..... I tried to send a PM to Shannon....I 'think' it said blocked...but I left it anyway....she said her site had been compromised...how sad....that anyone would want to 'hurt' a group of heart broken...heart sick parents....

anyway.....I don't think anyone on this site would hurt another parent.....we all know...we have enough to deal with....

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, so sorry that I missed your special day. I know your "boys" will be looking down and sending love.

 

Please let us know how things are going. How is Kim?

 

Shannon, you are in our thoughts...please let us know how things are going your way. I know it is not easy. We care. Thanks.

 

Lora, hope all is well.

 

Wade and Ted...I think of you both often. Hope you are well.

[ericasmom]

Mandy's Mom, Susan, I think that the new normal has not yet set in, right now you are all operating out of shock. Everyone grieves differently and so going to be alone with it is what we do. I would say that a family therapy session with someone who deals with grief might be good for you all. Not too many families go, but I went to a therapist at the 6 month mark in my loss, it was about the same time that I found this place. I go back to therapy whenever I need to have some help again, anxiety and PTSD sometimes get in the way. I am glad for your Son, and for you to feel the joy for him in preparing for college.

 

Peace Kate, the reminder of the trees for Jeff is a nice one, a gentle way to let him shine his light for all. Thank you.

 

Sherry, it has gotten cold here, not going above 49 today, going to frost some tonight.

 

Debbie, Laurie, Lora, Shannon, Gretchen, Trudi, Carol, Leah, Ted, and all of those that come here, may you somehow have a peace-filled night.

[ericasmom]

MIKE SweetieMan...we are thinking of you and hoping that you can share your joy with your Momma, letting her be certain of the signs that you are near. You are a very special angel  Mike, leaving hearts for Mom, leave her a few extra hearts if you can, she will know who it is from.

[SamDsmom]

CAROL,

Thinking of your family. I know MIKE is with you. Sending love and hugs your way. May you feel his presence and peace.

[ldressle]

Hello,

 

Benjamin's Mom here, Lisa is his mom's name, that's me.  Benjamin was such a wonderful kid, I really miss his sense of humor and tricks.  He loved to do card tricks.  One of the last things I remember was standing in the kitchen at the lake house in Florence Oregon and he wanted to try and teach me a card trick.  He was not successful..but smiled and tried again!  I miss him

 

I am wondering if others experienced depression or isolation during the first year of your loss?  I feel as if it will happen to me for sure.  I don't want to be around people.  I just want to keep quiet most of the time.  I have lost a lot of weight during the last four months - not much of an appetite. 

 

I started walking every night after dinner - for one hour.  It seems to help with my well being.

 

I am trying to float in a world of saddness my brain is so tired, my face looks blotchy and I feel so tired but can't sleep.

 

Good nite all..thanks for listening.

 

Lisa D.

[SamDsmom]

Lisa,

Benjamin sounds like a great kid. Hold on to those memories. My Sam had been gone just a little over a year. Everything that you described has been my life since September 21, 2013. You are a different person now. I found that the dynamics of all my other relationships changed. My marriage has changed, not for the better, My parents want to pretend like Sam never existed and everyone else moved on long ago. I found myself like you described. I still do much of the time. One thing I've learned here is that we all grieve differently but we all understand. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing in common with people who haven't lost a child.

It helps me to talk about Sam here. I never get tired of talking about him or hearing about everyone else's children. Please let us know more about him and you.

Just breathe.

Debbie

[Jeff's Mom]

Debbie, I so agree that we all go about this in our own way. I am sitting here looking out over a most amazing sunrise coming up over the lake. Brilliant orange ball of fire. It appears as if today will a lovely day. A reminder that life goes on after all. Eventually when the initial pain and fog lift you will begin to be drawn back into the daily norm. I am thinking of everyone and hoping your day is a better one. Kate

[shorty16]

Lisa,

My Brian has been gone for 6 years. As for me, I did isolate myself. My home was my safe zone. The thoughts in my brain moved so fast, I could not catch them to form sentences. Nor did I have the energy to. It took 5x the energy to completely normal tasks.

Everything you are experiencing is part of grief. A normal part of grief.

As time goes by, you will learn what you can and cannot handle. That also changes over time.

Hugs

Colleen, Brians Mom 4ever

[ericasmom]

As time goes by, you will learn what you can and cannot handle. That also changes over time. Sage words from Colleen to all those new and old to this path. We do change as we go along, and we begin to add things to our lives that make them richer but it takes time. And we have time.

 

Peace to all on a lovely sunny (finally) day in Chicago. The trees are adorned in their natural colors as the green-machines were turned off weeks ago, letting the real colors show through. And though the leaves fall from the trees, some gracefully and some ripped away by winds, they land on the ground in families, they are raked and put to the curb and taken away, they are gone for now. This so reminds me of our Kids. Swept away for now. Their legacy however remains, the love continues, the color of them emblazoned in our spirits. They have landed, they are whole again, they are home.

[Mermaid Tears]

For me....and this is just me and the way I handle it.....I say 'we have 6 kids...a daughter and 5 sons'

  no...I do not relay that I lost a son....I do not share that knowledge with people I am just coming in 'contact' with....

it is none of their business.....and I do not have to share that I lost a child with 'every one'....

I do not say that in an ugly sense or rude....

 

the ones who 'know' me....already know I lost a son...

 

the 'butcher..the baker...the candle stick maker'.....do not have to have that information...

  but...I am possessive of my grief in some form or fashion....it is hard to describe....

 

I think if I am meeting someone in a social or business environment....it would be rude of me to share that...and of course, their response would be ...'Oh..I am so sorry'.....and I think I would be putting them in an uncomfortable situation...

I think it could be ill timed and produce an off balance moment......for them...

 

As for me....I just don't need the sympathy of total strangers....

it doesn't effect my life or my grief..

it would not make any difference in my grief journey....

 

but I think that moment, Debbie, when you and that other Mom could connect....is a 'meant to be moment'....

    for when we do meet another parent that has lost a child.....there are no explanations or descriptions needed to explain the heartsick and heartbreak of the grief journey we have walked....

 

Also....Debbie.....what a special gift for Gretchen that you cared enough about her child....to make that stop...and what kindred people are there to help watch over the memorial......ah....the kindness of strangers....

  maybe we aren't all strangers after all....

[SamDsmom]

Thank you Susan. I needed that affirmation. I think I want to keep my grief personal, to myself because a lot of the time it feels like all I have left of Sam. It turned out very positive this time but you are right I hate the uncomfortable silence and what feels like sympathy.

I am so grateful and honored for the opportunity to visit Forest's memorial site. I felt such a connection to him while I was there. Hope you're family is doing well today.

Dee,

That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Debbie

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee.....am reading 'The Map to Heaven'.....some profound reading for sure....

 

Kate....I got up around 3 this morning....watched TV.....there was this movie called 'Purgatory' on and one of the main characters reminded me of Laurie's SONshine boy...Jesse David....

   I then walked outside to see the birds singing up the sun....

so you and I watched the sunrise....

  I went back to bed in a total exhaustion....and read and then slept....I cannot stand not to have my 'morning'...of I sleep late...but there comes a time my body just cannot go another step....

 

 

Laurie....I did not catch the name of the guy in the movie....reminded me so much of your Jesse David....

 

 

Debbie....will they give you a house to live in or do you have to find one on your own ? I am so happy for you that you get to have this opportunity to find a way to stay in one place for you to find your footing and have some 'down time'....I think many parents have some kind of whip lash or knee jerk reaction years later on their grief journey for they did not allow themselves the luxury of just simple grieving and mourning....those are the ones that seem to never find a healing plateau..a space where they can spread their grief out and live with it.....there are no right or wrong ways to grieve....but I think that those who choose to not go through it....become very sick, bitter and angry.

[SamDsmom]

Susan,

Yes we get a 2 bedroom apartment attached to the motel. I am so looking forward to it. I think my troubled daughter might go with us. She spent almost 5 months in jail and us on her second half of treatment. The judge furloughed her from jail to treatment because he said that he could see that she has never been in trouble except behind drugs and alcohol. She has 3 felony charges against her from her father. In the lovely state of Kansas if someone so much as points their finger at you and you say you feared for your life it is an automatic felony. She was high and went to her dad's house. He told her to get out. As she was leaving she was mad and knocked some tomato plants his girlfriend had started in pots in the entryway off a table. He became enraged and tackled her she grabbed a shovel and swung it missing him. She was covered with bruises. She doesn't even remember. Well his girlfriend had convinced him that the only way to keep her from killing herself or someone else is to make sure she goes to prison. If she is convicted she is looking at 6 years and at least 1felony. That man is evil. Losing a child and then picking a woman the same age as your oldest daughter to be with. I'm sorry, didn't mean to dump all that. Anyway, I talked to her attorney on Friday. He said he is going to talk to the judge abd he thinks he will let her go with us. I'm praying that it will be a healing time for all of us.

You know I am still very angry from time to time. It is better but when I have this peaceful moments ( few and far between as they are) I often wonder where that that line is drawn, when is it bitterness. I don't think I'm ready to forgive yet. Maybe there are too many unanswered questions. If I ever came close to hating anyone it is Sam's father. He took almost everything else of Sam's from me. I don't want to be hung up on it. I don't want to be having this same issue a year from now. I want to carry my special boy in a peaceful place because that's what we both deserve.

Sorry I didn't realize this was going to come out.

Susan thank you for asking.

Hope everyone is doing okay tonight.

Missing my #1CHIEFS fan tonight. They won today. I know he is cheering in heaven.

Debbie

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mandy's Mom, Susan, Just wanted to say that I was thought you today as it was your precious daughter's birthday. Wishing your peace and gentleness tonight.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes Mandy's Mom....we all remember our children on this site.....sending you thoughts and care, concern and consideration on this day.....that you remember when that 'angel' fell from that cloud and was placed in your arms and heart....please remember that joy....and let it bring you comfort.

 

 

Debbie....every situation is different....and as for you.....I would think you have a lot to cross off of your 'bitter list'...and your 'angry list'.....

and that does not happen over night....it is a work in progress....and will continue to be....

and that is one big reason I am so glad you have a 'soft place' to fall.....

for even animals will slink off....go into isolation....to lick their wounds....

    for you.....it seems as if you have been on a 'fast train to Georgia' for many miles and months...

 

the behavior of your 'ex'.....is like a very sick....brutal....bully....

   and I wish I could tell you that you could have any dent in his behavior...

but you don't......and will never....

and that is why....all one can do....is....simply give yourself space....between him and you and them....'for that will be your only saving grace....

 

which is....to save yourself...and loved ones....

    for you to be able to create many miles between you and him....

between the 'children' and him....

will provide the best answer for each of you to bond and heal ....

you will come to understand....that to cut off all relationships with that man....will be a door opening to what you can call a better and normal life.

  I am so glad your daughter will have you to help her in the days ahead....that is like getting an early Christmas present...for you and her....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Colleen, "As for me, I did isolate myself. My home was my safe zone. The thoughts in my brain moved so fast, I could not catch them to form sentences. Nor did I have the energy to. It took 5x the energy to completely normal tasks."...

 

This has been so true for me as well. I am just tired, tired. After the court dates, I think I will sleep for a year.

 

*************************************

 

Susan, Thanks for thinking of Jesse today. I did have a couple of people come up and mention to me the memoriam I placed in the newspaper. Just so hard this new reality.

 

Kate, thanks for sharing your day. Would love to see that...Hope you and Ross are doing okay...we started our wood stove today....it was nice to have that kind of heat again, very soothing...

 

Dee, I always look forward to your writings. So often they are just what is needed and illustrates this journey so gently yet truthfully.

 

Lisa, thanks for sharing about Benjamin. The early days are rough...

 

Debbie, I am sorry to hear so many things are going on at once...sending prayers and hugs...

 

To all, again, thank you for sharing your children here and for telling their story.

 

[SamDsmom]

Mandy's mom- thinking of you tonight on Mandy's birthday. Sending prayers for peace for your family.

[ericasmom]

I am saying prayers for goodness and justice for All.

Thanks Laurie, I am glad that I can give a hand up. I think of you often and send hope.

Debbie, I am happy to hear that you are looking forward to this move. It will serve as a new place to be and time in which to ponder and mourn.

 

Love to All, hope to All.

[SamDsmom]

Thank you for your responses. Susan, I can't wait to get up there. I am so looking forward to spending that time with Sam and helping my daughter mend.

Words can't express the gratitude I have for my friends here. You all help me hope for the future.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

I so believe this....

[Mandy's mom]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts! Yesterday we took our walk for Mandy. It was 45 and windy and it felt great.

I am so thankful to have found this group.

I am thinking of all of you and hoping you are having a nice day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....many on this site are thinking of you....if you only have time to read....I hope there are always some word or words to help support you....

 

Carol....have missed you....and your double hearts...let us hear how you are doing...

 

Lora....the same goes for you....we know you have your Cara right beside you...

 

Wade...we miss those 'Daddy poems'....as you miss your Brooks....hoping you are finding healing on this grief journey...

 

Cherry....we hope that with each passing day....you find some solace and comfort....how is that baby boy doing ??

 

 

I am 'missing' many I know that have been on this site....I just want you to know each of you contributed so much care for me...and my John David....this has been a 'good' day so far....and I have gratitude in my heart ....

 

Lots of gratitude for the many that still post those words of encouragement....I do know my mental health has been uplifted many times by just a few words and understanding....

[Missing Erin]

I'm new to this. My daughter Erin died 1 month ago today, of complications after a double lung transplant. I'm seeing the sympathy cards become fewer, the phone calls of sympathy less and less. Although I appreciate the kindness of others, I feel the support may be slipping away. I went to a family function 2 nights ago and felt guilty for stepping away when they were all talking about their grown children. They did nothing wrong, but I felt I didn't belong any more. I feel as though I don't belong to the "Moms of grown kids" club any more, but the "Moms of dead kids" club now. This is so hard! How do I begin to become "me" again, will I ever?