Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

this was on the Compassionate FB......and I thought of all of us....and our children...

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Made this pic today to cheer up my daughter, Jasmine, who had  a bit of a meltdown today and she called me from the cemetery to tell me she was there, and was talking to JD. They were so close, real confidants and friends. 

 

I captioned it "I am always with you, you only have to look", and it was sent to her via Jared's memorial page.

[shorty16]

Tess

You did not make your DIL cry. She is beyond devastated. Nothing you can say or do can make her feel any worse.

Right now, her life has changed forever, and not for the better, and she has to figure out for herself where her world is going.

I had a very hard time leaving my home after My Brian died. Panic attacks, uncontrollable crying...it was horrible.

Walk for your Brian, if that makes you smile.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky....that is an amazing  message....will it help her in court ??? I can only hope and pray it does....

[Jeff's Mom]

I am going to have to take notes on all of the posts from now on. No sooner have I read them and decided what I want to say and then I forget! No fun getting old.  Sorry if I miss people. It is definitely not intentional.

 

Debbie, the necklaces sound perfect. A great idea for Christmas.

 

Sandy, I am really sorry that Kelly has had a setback. Are you ok?

 

Susan, wow! What a ton of family you have. I can only imagine how they keep you on your toes. You are sounding stronger these days. I am so glad that you are  now able to focus on enjoying some of the things you once did. The kids can be such a great salve for a hurting heart. Thanks for posting from Compassionate Friends.

 

Becky, I always enjoy looking at your work. What will happen to your babies once winter arrives? I imagine you close up the pool shortly.

 

Sherry, sorry to hear about the soybeans. The farmers our way have had a very unusual season. A late start and rain when they did not need it.

 

Laurie, sending prayers and hugs.

 

Colleen, I enjoyed reading about your experience at the hairdresser. Good for you!

 

 

 

 

 

[wgreenlee]

Rained this morning in Carson...very few of those days...and saw a rainbow when I was on bus duty.  Thought I'd write a little poem for Brooks and send him this song.

 

 

I sent a letter to heaven today

A prayer my rainbow sent on it’s way

It soared through the early morning rain

Through the clouds to God’s domain

 

In the blink of an eye

It sped through the sky

All the love from our many years

Wrapped inside a father’s tears

 

Untold thoughts of undying love

Sent to you in that land above

My hopes and dreams, and even my pain

Says your life was not lived in vain

 

So now these words I give to you

My son, my life, all I knew

Your’s was a life worthy of song

So I sing to you in a voice so strong

 

Forever and always you will be with me

As much as a father and son can be

In my heart you have always been

This letter says we will meet again

[wgreenlee]

One of those nights...just needed to share Brooks' going away song again.  I can't even remember it pIaying at the end of his celebration.  Can't  remember much of that day...so long ago.  I thought I was through the rough part...will it ever end?

 

Thank you for ever being my friends and companions on this journey!

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade.....I can feel all that 'Daddy Love' in that poem.....sometimes words are all we have to express all that bubbles up in our hearts....

 

what a powerful song....so full of longing...and that is my favorite rendition of 'Over the Rainbow'....that song has another meaning for me now...

  and you are right....it is just so damn hard...I have found out that the nature of the grief journey is like two good days going forward....and then we can have 3 hard days going back and back in memory...

 

I was up at 3 AM.....sleep is elusive...and very erratic....I try not to take a sleeping medication...I either take Advil PM or benadryl....when I just have to have at least 8 hours of sleep....I have always been such a morning person...I love to wake at 4:30/5 ....but sometimes if I wake at 1 or 2 or 3....that can mean a very zombie day. It is the nature of grief. I find it doesn't matter how busy I am during the day...when one wakes up and the grief thoughts come...it is too heavy to sleep. I think as time passes...my thought/mind/thinking process will absorb the reality and his passing will not be as foreign.

 

 

Shannon.....thanks for sharing that 'Happy Birthday' party for Aiden....and what a fun Mama you are to dress up, too...love that parents keep their young at heart attitude....you get to share more in your child's world.

    What a gift of Grace....Trista's friends coming to share the birthday boys special day....you know....they need you as much as you need them.....they will never fill Trista's empty space.....but they do cushion and comfort.....I so needed to hear a 'sweet story'......and that is a very sweet story.

    I cannot even wrap my mind around what Ashley is going through....I do know when one is that young...if the people around her don't circle the wagons...and give her the care and therapy she needs.....she will be a broken person forever...I think it will have to be a unique kind of healing for her...to walk through it and come out on the other side a person with a healthy self esteem.

    the photo with the 'orb' is fascinating.....I want to do some research on them....and look through my photos...

I hope your 'home/life' has settled down somewhat.....we all know what a rough time you have had...the good news is that your husband is going to get help.....that is such an important step.....that they realize they need help. Please keep us posted...

    You have not had a clear road to grieve....I hope the chaos is behind you....and you can gather the boys around you...get some normalcy in your day to day life....and have time to 'do for yourself'....gather those loose strings and fashion a blanket of healing to wrap yourself in. You so deserve some time for yourself....become a little 'selfish'...protect your time....honor your alone time.

[shorty16]

Wade,

This grief journey only ends when we take our last breath, but it does soften..considerably...from where you are now.

The second year is very tough..reality slaps us in the face. Learning to live without our kids.

Please be kind to yourself. Allow this grief it's time....grief will not be denied. I had to make grief my friend. Over time, grief settles down and finds a place to sleep for a while.

We are here for you.

Loved the poem

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....it is true that children ...little and big ones....have a way of holding your hand and carrying you forward....even on days when that sun is not going to shine....I do believe my 'cocooning' was the wise choice for me...and I know I can't cocoon forever....although that is still a 'safe place' to go back to....and I do some days.......what I do for my daughter/son-in-law is a labor of love....they have such big hearts and a love and energy....they are so loved and respected in our community...and it certainly keeps me in the mainstream of all that is going on....

 

 

Colleen.....you said it so right.....one needs to make friends with our grief....I have a vision on my horizon.....where I will sit between my grief and grace....I will be balanced.....

   I am not there yet for I hurt so much....that pain and mourning is still deep....not as sharp as the first year.....so...I know I am healing....but I know how I would like to be when I walk out of this grief hell.....

    I still need to learn more....establish myself with myself....as I am changed.....when the pain of grief has subsided....I will be able to have the time to get to know myself...for now....grief takes up a lot of time and energy carrying it.

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

just got this....our 'new little man'...Wyatt John....trying on his Halloween costume....wish I lived closer to see him everyday

[SamDsmom]

Susan,

Love that picture. He is soooo adorable! You are so blessed to have such a large wonderful family. I'm sure it's hard to find that balance though. This grief is so much work. Draining. I found great comfort with the little ones but find myself exhausted after a visit. Mine are all smaller though all under 12.

Wade,

The peom and song are beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing them again. Our times of loss are very close together. I remember reading that before but it has hit much deeper this time. Maybe because I feel like I know you and Brooks better now or because of the place I'm in with my own. I don't even know how to describe it. Only know that the pain is deep and I sure do miss my baby.

Laurie,

Thinking of you today. Hoping you are doing well.

Dee,

Did I miss a new baby?

Had anyone heard from Cherry or Ted?

Everyone else I'm sorry I don't mean to not comment. More later. My quiet time is over. Time to hit the road.

Sam, miss you. Love you. Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you.

Debbie

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Debbie....a GRANDmother loves every compliment....I forgot who you went and talked with...and got his book...but....it seems as if he put a balm on your heart....and also...let your husband know that there was nothing abnormal in how you were carrying/dealing/living with your grief...it seems as if the playing field as leveled off for you...and now...you can learn...on your own terms...in your own time...your own definition...how to live with your grief..and missing that SONshine boy....

      this grief journey is hard if one was living in a mansion...with servants to do every beck and call....it is still devastating until we can gain control again...

[ericasmom]

Wyatt John is gorgeous, a future good friend to Erica Elizabeth I am thinking. And to your Grandboy Laurie.

 

Here is our new little guy, Michael Steven and big Sis too.

 

[ericasmom]

The Big Sis photo did not attach...

[SamDsmom]

Dee,

The new baby is beautiful. He and Erica will be close enough in age to be great friends. What does she think if him? I've missed so much and am having a hard time catching up. Congratulations!

Debbie

[Angel Boy of Mine]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=4639198675375&set=vb.1755288865&type=2&theater

 

 

 

The ducks can see me if I walk through the dining room, or if they see me turn

 

on a light at night,They will head up to the window to see what's to eat! They

 

really love watermelon!

 

Kate, we have a koi pond that they also frequent, so hoping they will move to

 

it once we close the pool in  a couple more weeks.

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Dee...look at that 'Baby Movie Star' and those bright eyes....and the 'brand new boy' looks masculine...he seems to be long...I know your arms and heart are so full....thanks for sharing....you really don't have to worry about getting exercise now....it pushes my happy button that you are so blessed to live so close....

 

 

Becky....I think you need to write a children's book about you and your ducks....maybe with the theme about how they think you are their 'Mama without feathers'....

[ericasmom]

Sorry the photo of my little Erica is sideways, she is so much fun to play with. Susan,Yes, little Dude is long, he is in the 97th% for height. He is a dolly. Huge hands just like his daddy, his Auntie Erica, his sister Erica, and his Grandad Mike and his Dad, Max. It is funny how some traits just carry on. I have long included in my poems and stories about holding Erica's big hands, and how like her Grandpa's hands they were, and now both Babies too.

 

Becky, I agree, the ducks coming to you each year...what a great story.

 

Debbie dear, don't worry about trying to catch up, it is so good to see you here. Lord knows keeping up with posts can be hard when you have been away, just pick up anew, we can fill in what you don't know.

 

Wade, the song is lovely, and the poem lovelier  still.Thanks for sharing that piece of you with us.

 

A new baby in our family, Lorelie was born this early morning to my great nephew and his partner. She is 7 pounds and was delivered c-section so prayers for healing and good health.

 

 

[tobyfreefoot]

SAM  SAM  SAM

 

debbie just wanted you to see sam's name.  i know i always feel better when i see someone put forest's name in print in a public place.  

 

i'm sorry i missed his first angeldate.  hoping it went ok for you. 

 

 

just got back from time with marshall. went pretty well up until the last moment.  he hates his sister for taking so much attention from him, but he also has these terribly warped memories of me.  i talked to my first husband about it as marshall had told him all of this stuff when he went to europe (where he was when forest died, forest's dad lives in wales) and he told me he never thought it was true and just guessing he thought somehow my 2nd husband-marshall's dad had made him believe these things.  my other children think marshall is delusional.  anyway i can only go from here and try to get our relationship healed.

 

can't seem to keep up or be on here consistently.  logan is home with a broken foot which sucks for him but is nice for me.

 

love all the cute grandbabies!  mine came out yesterday--

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks for all who are praying for us right now...here is an update...

 

Sorry for being so sketchy lately...this whole thing is taking its toll...

 

My  husband works in the community/county where Jesse's accident was. He works at the Sallyport which is an entrancepoint to the prison there. Because of this, he meets many people, contractors, vendors, legal, that come through the gate.

 

He met a local contractor at the sallyport and began telling him about this situation with Jesse and the man said he knew exactly where Ms. Rupnow was and that he would help us locate her to turn her in to the police. Bob has made an appointment with the Sheriff himself of Jackson County on Wednesday. He told him no more emails, this is a face-to-face meeting. (one email I got was pretty snotty from the Sheriff dept and they have not put any real effort into finding her).

 

I feel like somewhere my life got hyjacked into some kind of horror/fantasy movie. But I am living it. I now understand where one can get pushed to their mental limits as I screamed and cried for four hours after hearing the Ms. Rupnow's current crude interest of finding men to have sex with like nothing at all happened October of 2012.

 

No remorse...Not that I was expecting any from her type. However, I do expect trained law enforcement that recieve a  salary to behave themselves in a professional manner and to actually do the job they are hired to do to the best of their capacity. Perhaps I am an idealist.

 

Finally thank you to all who wrote me, including the PMs. It  means the world.

 

Sending hugs to all...

 

Something that law enforcement needs posted in their facilities:

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen.....Love all those photos with your Baby Movie Stars....all in 'Pink has Power'.....I don't know about you...but I 'read between the lines' of parents on this site that has the blessing of a GRANDchild or GRANDchildren.......

  and we got caught between the gap...into that crevice....of losing a child..and then having the blessing of the GRANDchild...it put me in such a 'no man's land' for awhile....

    it (sorta) felt like one was sitting down to a smorgasbord..of a feast of food.....and right behind your chair was 100's of people starving....

   as if I had no heart for any gratitude...

I guess my heart was so shattered I could not resonate with any emotion or feelings...the shock suit was so tight...I was simply paralyzed with John David.....gone.

 

And then ...when I could 'come up for air'....they were there and have helped to lead and heal me...

 

the song by Anne Murray...'You Needed Me' is the song I dedicate to them...the GRANDchildren....

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....when I saw that full photo of your Brand new Little Man...I was reminded of you posting and in your poems of your Eri of the big hands....for I have read them over and over....he will one day...be a big boy...many times on birthday cards I write...'I use to carry you in my arms...now I carry you in my heart'.....for now....we will savor those baby days...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....you just 'break down and cry' as many times as you want to....we all wish we could walk through this screen and be beside you in human form...

     We all know that this is a rough and wild part of the grief journey.....ANY time that leads up to 'that date' on the calendar is heart wrenching ....

     And now your family is faced with law officials that seem to be not only indifferent but also incompetent in doing their job...

 

are they that crippled ?

     What I understand is that the man that knows where she is is going to tell them on Wednesday ?

 

What kind of snarky e-mail did you get ? Keep that as evidence....and I am sure you have been smart enough to keep a time line....

 

There has to be an office (County/State) that handles complaints from citizens that their local law enforcement officers are not doing their job....another thing to think about it...is ..'she is a menace to society'....she has already killed someone...and they are not doing anything to bring her in and keeping her from hurting/killing another innocent.....

 

Here in Washington County.....we have had a similar accident.....just last week.....I will do some calling and checking to see what our law officials have done.....just a little research....

 

In the meantime...if there is a warrant for her arrest.....can a bounty hunter go and get her ??

[SamDsmom]

Laurie,

I can so identify with your devastation/frustration with law enforcement. You might try calling the attorney general of your state. When I called ours, of course there was nothing they could do to help me, but they did put me in touch with an citizen advocate. Of course she couldn't help me, but she gave me the number of a group that oversees law enforcement. I don't know if there is anything like that in your area our not. I would not have found them I'd it wasn't for the advocate. In my case the investigator I talked to used to work under the police chief in a different city so I didn't get any help. (Imagine that) But that might be an avenue for you. I was told that the police probably lied to me because it was hard on them when things happened and I should be more understanding of the difficult job they have. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I sometimes have felt that I am caught up in some horrible B Rated Lifetime movie that never ends. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you guys.

Gretchen,

Thank you for acknowledging Sam. Your thoughtfulness made my day.

On our way to pickup my stepson. He is going to ride down to Oklahoma City with us to deliver a load. I saw a posting on FB today that said basically, we are not jealous of people who have never lost a child. That's not something you would ever wish upon ANYONE, but sometimes, sitting back watching life just doesn't seem fair. At times I feel guilty but honestly i get a little resentful at times.

Debbie

[Mermaid Tears]

http://youtu.be/AxLZpxARz_A

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sherry,

 

Happy Heavenly Birthday David!

 

Saying your boy's name out loud today

 

DAVID,

             DAVID,

                            DAVID

 

No matter how long, the missing is there...

 

Sending you warm thoughts today...

 

**************************************************

 

....I will catching up on posts as I can....so many have come here...I pray that each may receive a measure of comfort by the circle that is woven for the love of our children...

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening...

[tobyfreefoot]

yeah debbie i know, i would never wish it on anyone, but i would say i'm jealous of those that haven't lost a child.  i guess we didn't realize how lucky we were to have a life so blessed.  sometimes my evil mind will momentarily think "i wish it would happen to you" just so they could know what it felt like but immediately of course my rational self thinks "my god what a terrible thought what is wrong with you" such pain in my heart i guess misery loves company because wishing them back isn't working.. 

 

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I sure hope that Marshall will be able to readjust his memories, it sounds as though they have been kind of remixed and he is struggling with them and you get to be the one he gets angry with.

I love the photos of you and the kids and your Daughter and the babies. Such pretty faces.

 

Yes Susan, those big hands are a wonderful trait that makes my heart happy to see and to hold. Love your little

pirate.

 

Laurie, I am amazed at the turn of events and I am sending prayer and energy your way double time in hopes that the case will finally find this woman and charge her. I am sorry for the ways it is making you feel however, the constant reopening of a wound.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry.....am wishing you a day of sunshine raining down....for your SONshine boy....and may those happy memories walk with you...and give you peace...comfort and joy....in the remembering....

   as parents....it is hard to find that special way to celebrate our child on their birthday...just know that we are thinking of you and David...

  Blow kisses to the sky....

[ericasmom]

I am so bad with dates...

 

Davey Sweetheart,

I hope that your special date brought great joy to your spirit, the day you were born to that lovely family of yours. Give your Momma and Dad some extra loving and messages so that they know that they are forever with you, just as you are with them.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....how is it up North ? Ross doing ok ?

 

Laurie...thinking of you and yours....hope you have had a chance to have some 'settle down' time....

 

you asked what all we have to do to get ready for cold weather  ...??

That is a good question....and I cannot come up with any 'answer'....for....we don't do anything...

in fact...the last time I went swimming at night...my favorite time...was Sept. 22....we have a pool heater...but I hate to heat up the pool for just me....it is a large pool...our other pools were smaller and easier to heat...our jacuzzi is built into the pool so I just get in that at night now....as long as it is water....

  in the winter we 'may' get a couple of freezes....last winter we actually had a freeze...just below 32...for a few days...if it freezes..it only lasts on average...a night...

    There are days when the air conditioner is on in the mornings....and we will get a 'Blue Norther' and will use the heater that night.....but that is typical South Texas....

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

a little Texas humor....but so true

[daveydow1]

Susan-----Thanks for your kind words for David's birthday. My husband & I took

a bouquet of red carnations, and one white one....tied with a red ribbon and

laid it on Dave's grave. The time goes by,.....and it's hard to believe he's been

gone 11 yrs. now.  Time sometimes seems to get distorted.....in grief. I know that

everyone here at BI knows that.  Your pic of little Wyatt John in his Halloween

costume is so very cute.....he's darling.  Your swimming in the pool at night

sounds divine  .  All the pools around here are closed for the season, it seems.

 

Becky----Lovely pic you made of the lion & JD. A labor of love, for sure.

 

Kate-----They combined some of the soybeans today (rain in the forecast for tomorrow).

Even though the fields looked poor, they harvested anyhow. I imagine that the yield

will be low though.  Oh well....that's how it is in nature.....some good years for crops,

and others not so good.   Corn looks good, though.

 

Debbie-----Sam will be smiling down....knowing you are always thinking of him.

 

Laurie----Thank you for the wish for David's birthday.

 

 

Dee-----

Thanks for the lovely birthday wish for Davey.  Do you have any flowers

still in bloom now?  Our honeysuckle vine is blooming again.....only a few flowers,

but they smell  oh so good.  Denny & I dug another row of potatoes today.

 

Wade-----thanks for the song "Into the West".....very beautiful. Also,  the poem you

wrote was so heartfelt and inspiring.  Nice that you got rain and saw the rainbow.

Something about a rainbow that just warms the heart and gives us hope.

 

 

WISHING   PEACE    AND    COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry  

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, the reflection image of Jared and the lion is very beautiful...my heart went out to your Jasmine as I know the struggles that Christina (my daughter) goes through. Give her a mom hug from me....so sorry...

 

Sandy, you are in my thoughts tonight. So many things on your plate, take care of yourself.

 

Debbie, I am glad that the visit with Dennis Apple helped. My husband Bob and I read it right away so when we did hit some rougher waters, we had been somewhat prepared. For those who don't remember, he is an grief counselor who lost his son and wrote a book about it. And it is hard to watch intact families now, for me it is the reminder of what I have lost. Sometimes, I just don't want the reminder I guess.

 

Wade, it was a very beautiful poem you wrote for Brooks the other day. Thank you for the songs also.

 

Gretchen, thanks for sharing the photos. i am sorry that there is such difficulty with your son Marshall right now. Grief is so hard as it is without carrying extra weight. Sending hugs.

 

Dee, thanks for posting the pictures of the grandbabies...the one of little Erica looked liked she was at a park....I just took my granddaughter out to the park on Friday...we had a good hour of play time.

 

Susan, thanks for the Texas weather update, it would be nice to jump into a warm jacuzzi about now. I am not looking forward to winter...not at all....thanks for all the kind words of support...My husband is prepared for his meeting with the sheriff on Wednesday.. I am hoping for some action...

 

Also liked the picture of Wyatt...very cute....

 

Kate, I too have lost interest in hunting...I would probably be out there yelling to the geese to fly away...hope all is well up there...do you have to watch any of the neighbors houses this year?

 

Tess, I agree with what the others posted to you....wishing you peace as you run in honor of your grandson baby Brian....

 

Shannon, how are you doing?????

[SamDsmom]

Sherry,

Thinking of your family today knowing that DAVY is smiling that beautiful smile if his down in you sending his perfect love.

Debbie

[daveydow1]

Taking advantage of the nice weather we've been having by getting a few pics.

Our grapes.........dairy herd  (neighbor's farm). 

[Sholl1955]

Loneliness, one of the hardest places to find yourself.

Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy....yes....loneliness..but I think that the feeling really comes from feeling cut off...broken off...maybe a dead end street...kind of feeling....

    I have to say that I have never...ever....have had the feeling of loneliness....so....I don't really know how to answer or help you....for I have never felt the emotion of lonely...even after losing my John David....

   I may think it comes from a feeling of not being in control....of having felt the brunt of betrayal....and that is a hard wall to face...

   here on this site....Sandy....you are never...ever...alone....

if you are having one...two...three...problems....we are here to hear you.....it is just that simple...and it is just that way....we are here for you...

[SamDsmom]

Sandy,

My thoughts are with you. Thinking of you and Sarah.

Debbie

[wgreenlee]

Just a short note right now...

 

Tess...

One of my son's closest friends passed away from a brain tumor in May.  I taught Tiffani and her sister, Bailee, and her family has been very supportive in my grief for Brooks.  Here's a picture of a quilt that a friend made for her family.  You will know when the time is right to give your precious quilt to your son and daughter-in-law.

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Sandy, are you able to talk with us here about the loneliness? I am sorry that you are feeling alone with all you face. I do wish that life would unfold a bit differently, leaving room for more joy. I do think of you often and send hope.

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade...thanks for sharing...that labor of love...

[wgreenlee]

David...David...David...I could say your name forever and it would never be enough times.  I would have liked to have met you, friend.

 

Sherry...sending you warm hugs and peaceful thoughts

 

Sandy...

We are here for you...to share or listen...whatever you need.

 

Laurie...

It would be my biggest wish for you to find that closure you need.  I pray that those who are in charge will see that need and find it for you.

 

Susan...

There is something about the piano that brings emotions to the surface...without words...hauntingly beautiful.  Before Brooks died we were talking about getting him professional music lessons.  Voice too.  He thought the piano would be pretty versatile so he could also play the synthesizer too.  At least that's what I think he said.  I wish I could ask him.  He was always my "go to guy" for questions as he remembered everything...movie quotes...people...  I sometimes forget myself and almost go to the phone to text him.

 

Gretchen...

If some parents could only feel our pain for one day we would live in a much more caring world.  I see many of Brooks' friends getting married, having children, graduating college, and getting good jobs, and I am so proud of them...yet, I am also jealous because I will never see any of that...  I guess that is also a part of our journey.

 

Dee...

My family said the weather is wonderful up north.  Hoping you are getting some of that sunshine and warmth.  Also hoping that your school year is off to a great start.  Same thing here...change and more change...  We also did ice bucket challenge...it was so cold...I have a video and will upload tomorrow.

 

Susan...

It was a beautiful morning on Friday when I saw the rainbow arching over the Sierras and I immediately thought of Brooks.  Cool and misty and a nice change to the same weather we get day after day.  I thought of the sunrise and sunset pictures Brooks took on his phone.  What 24-year old boy does that?  Such a gentle soul!

 

Debbie...

What about those Chiefs?  I thought of you and Sam as they whooped the Patriots.  Little joys to ease our pain, huh?  Sam is smiling...so is Brooks as the Vikings won too.  He had the Vikings on his FB page.  I remember one of his posts right before he died...talking about Adrian Peterson's big day against someone.  He never grew up in MN but liked them because of me.  Makes me smile when I think that's what sons are suppose to do when they are young.

 

Brooksy, bought another light for you, buddy!  Miss you lots, son...love, Dad! 

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Just now catching up on reading posts. 

 

Sherry, sorry to have missed Davey's heavenly birthday! I seem to have misplaced my list...

 

Just spent a good part of three days trying to type a 'memo to self' regarding Jared's angeldate, but by the time I had finished, through many tears and typos, if I publish it and it falls into the wrong hands, I may be in jail or sued, not supposed to say anything disparaging, yeah right.. what kind of justice is this? I will copy it here, but then probably remove it after a day or so.

 

I also contacted the US DOJ today by phone, left a message, and by email, to inquire if there is any complaint at all I can file. My heart is so heavy today.

[tobyfreefoot]

sandy--before i saw your post i had been googling images of -- alone, grief, darkness--pain, sadness. alone-- trying to find a picture to post of how i feel, to no avail.  then today i log on and there is your simple post calling out to me.  i can't make it go away, i can't say we'll get through this, unfortunately it is what it is.  i can tell you i have it too and it sucks so badly.  i didn't look for loneliness because i don't think i feel as lonely as alone.  isolated by an insulated wall that keeps anyone from touching me, keeps my pain wrapped up away from sunlight, what is the point of sharing it?

 

i think the people in my life are tired of it, if they are still hurting which i know for sure my kids are, they don't want to share it either, or open up to the pain.  it is so intense we all just keep it at bay so we can function and no matter what, all of us each had our own relationship.  we are the only ones with mother's  (or father's) pain. 

 

i feel like my kids don't want to discuss it partly because they need to move on with their lives. but me i had my life, my babies, my youth, my health , my joy and fun.  it was almost time for me to kick back and just enjoy my older days--watch the kids get their lives and this had to happen and suck the spark out of life for me.

 

 i sent a text to my friend in vermont whose child has been gone 8 years.  "god is this blueness ever going to go away?" first she text back to ask who it was then my phone rang.  she said "i didn't want to just say 'no' until i knew who it was" then she told me it changes but she still has it.  she actually bought a home for $20,000 in italy where she goes in the summer, it is the only place she feels good.  she feels free of anything that has anything to do with anything she knows of life.  she can immerse herself in a new world. 

 

susan--when my first grandchild was born 5 months after forest died i had a really hard time feeling happiness and joy and excitement over it all.  i love her dearly but that overwhelming emotion and love and wanting to be with thing that i should of had just wasn't there.  like you i was so numb with shock and grief it was almost impossible to summon up any other emotions.  lyra's babyhood has been much better.  when i look back madelyn's babyhood just is a fog of grayness and and swimming through syrup while i tried to love her.

 

so in spite of my miserable outlook for new comers have a little hope,  though i can't say much i can say seeing both my grandchildren is most definitely the highlight of my life.  i CAN now feel something good, i love being with my grandchildren.  even a few months ago it was sad for me to watch lyra but i am now truly able to actually be with them without so much other invasions in my mind.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

So sorry, Gretchen, but I feel the same, as if the life has been sucked right out of me. I meant to thank you for the picture of the rasta thingy you saw in the store. So sweet that you think of Jared. It does make me realize that I am not alone. You lost your boy, Forest,  three months before mine. Just so sad. I don't have any little ones in my life that I get to see very often, my niece has a young one, but she is an hour away, and don't see them as I would like. I do like the idea of moving far away to a new place, but not in the position to do that yet. 

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Deleted.

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Gretchen what you posted is so right on....

 

The isolation from just feeling like people have went on with their lives, and your still stuck sitting by your child's grave, in my case plural...

 

************************

Becky, I know I asked you for the link before, but can you repost the link to your poetry that was online? Thinking of your family as you all head toward this angelversary date...going to read what you just posted...

 

Shannon, sending you warm thoughts...

 

Wade, thanks for sharing all you do....

 

Wanda, you out there? hope you and your daughter are doing okay...

 

Carol, how are things with you.....

 

Colleen, thanks for your continued words of support...

 

Mary Ann, thanks for sharing your story of Steve's signs...

[Angel Boy of Mine]

duplicate, sorry.