Loss of a Father

[missingdaddy07]

Hey,

 

Thanks for replying, i know exactly how you feel and its conforting to know you feel the exact same way i do. my life has changed so much since my dad passed. I dropped out of school two times. already and i regret it everyday. It just got so hard to wake up in the morning and go or do anything. Its been a whole year since it happened but it hurts like it was just yesterday. Nobody is going to understand you unless they have personally delt with it. I feel the same way about my friends i wish they could help me and give me all this advice but they have no clue what its like to lose someone youve known and depended on your whole life. well i have to go for now wish i could write more. feel free to vent or talk to me about it anytime.

[moonwater]

Hello everyone out there who has lost their parents.  My Mother passed 10 years ago.  My brother's wife told me that my Mom did not want me there.  Mom was in the hospital  in California & I could not talk to anyone else & was in Oregon.  Many years later I asked my Father about it & he said he did not know anything about that.  My Father's second wife, Pam said it was true.  So in January of this year I flew down to California as I had heard that my Dad had received a pacemaker & Hospice was coming to the house twice a week.  I called My Dad after I got down here.  His wife, age 65; my Father age 92 & I am 61.  Pam only let me come & see my Father 4 times in 4 months & it turns out that she knew he was not expected to live through the middle of Feb.  She did not want me around & I called their house every day for a month before she would answer my call.  Then she did not answer the phone for 6 weeks & I began to be concerned, as my Father had asked me to come back in 2 weeks.  On my third visit we all had to meet in a restaurant because Pam told my Dad all kinds of false things; my family thinks that she felt threatened by me because of the size of my Dad's estate.  My Dad did not get my messages & he & I decided that he would start calling me every Sunday, which he did up until he passed on 4-28-08 at 10:30am.    His wife did not call me until the following night.  She said there was not going to be a memorial service; my family felt bad about that.  Some people think it makes for an easier closure if there is a Celebration of Life memorial,  I told them we could do our own memorial when I get back to Oregon. I told them that Pam said my Father requested no service but she had managed to cut all of my family, which are 8 grandchildren  & 14 great grandchildren out of my Dad's life with her lies & deception. Perhaps he thinks we would not have come.  We will never know. Luckily most of us made it to my Dad's 90th birthday.  Also my Father outlived almost all of his friends, so maybe he figured, who would come anyway.  We must always remember to celebrate everyone's life daily & give thanks for the blessings of sharing life with our family & friends.  We know that sometimes, our loved ones are here today & gone tomorrow.  Luckily I wrote my Father all the things that I felt in my heart; how much I loved & appreciated him.  I told him that he had always been my hero & reminded him of many good times that he had forgotten.  Because of his hearing, I wrote to let him know all the things that I wasn't sure if he heard in person.  My Father was pretty clear in his mind up until the end.  Too many people are sorry for the things they never got to say.  It is so good to tell everyone NOW, how we feel about them & how much we honor & respect them, while they are alive.  Some elderly people do not even recognize their family at a certain stage in their life.  To avoid regrets, let us all show our Love & gratefulness to our loved ones while there is still time.  We do not need to feel "if onlys" or " I should haves".  Express your selves now; clear up any misunderstandings & angers.  Keep the lines of communication always open.  Give thanks each day for our many blessings.  There is ALWAYS someone worse off then us.  Don't put off until tomorrow what could have been done today.  I find comfort in  knowing that we are eternal, immortal souls that take on various physical forms in order to learn the lessons of each lifetime.  The body will drop off like a coat when the soul is ready to move on to a spiritual realm in preparation for it's next birth. Why should we be any different than the cycle of the seasons or the caterpillar to the cocoon to the butterfly & back again?  Life is cyclic & eternal.  Blessed Be to all.

[mofirefly]

Moonwater - Just read your post - and it's so sad that the loss of a loved one can bring out the wrost in some people.  So glad you were able to be with you dad on that special birthday.

I'm here tonight as I noticed that this site hadn't been posted on since May 26th...what with all the new topics, it's very hard to find the ones I'm use to going to...and tonight I wanted to reach out to all the others who I use to visit with here and let each of you know I think of you often.  Do take care!

[sohardtosaybyebye]

hey there i just wanted to stop in and say hi...i just created a account on this and i really do understand what ur goin through excatly one month ago today my father died of a massive heart attack..it was so unexpected...i feel like i'm not myself anymore..the last three weeks of school i missed alot almost more then i did the whole school year..it's just so hard to wake up in the morning and have to remember that he's gone and that i can't call him or see him or anything..none of my friends understand..since he has died i went out and i've done a few things but it's not fun i mean i put on a smile and assure everyone i'm ok but i'm really not..i feel like i'm fallin apart inside...i can't sleep all i do is toss and turn all night and then when i do sleep i son't dream and when i wake up i feel like i havn't sleep in weeks..it's still really hard to except i mean i can remember callin to tlk to him and hearing the news from my aunt...when i think of it i get num all over again..if there's anyone that would like to tlk feel free i really need to tlk to someone that understands right now..thanks

[4froggies]

Sohardtosay....

Feel free to send me a private msg whenever you want. I lost my dad to a heart attack one year and one month ago, I hope that through what healing I have worked towards that I maybe can help you through yours.

 

[solemate]

Hello everyone on the boards - I started a new board "honour memory board" so we could place comments about the good things that we remember about our lost loved ones - Although painfull to me, it helps to remember the good things that I remember about my parents.  I encourage anyone if they feel the need to post to do so - it can be very rewarding.  Take care  Gayle

[hansonamysue]

Just wanted to share a song I heard on the radio, and finally had enough courage to listen to the entire song. My husband heard it before and told me so I was warned about it. It is called "You can let go" by Crystal Shawanda. You may want to have some tissues on hand.

I lost my Dad to cancer just a month ago, and this explains it all for me.

[ernurse99]

That song is beautiful... I remember the first time i heard it was in april and i was on my way home from the cemetary... it had only been 4 months since i lost my dad to heart failure...... WOW i cried and cried and cried. But how beautiful a song! i miss my dad soooo much not even words can say. life does go on but never ever the same! sorry for your loss!!!

sarah

[nickche]

I dont know if anyone remembers me but I first came to this site about 18 months ago following the death of my dad.  I still miss him terrilby.  Now I recently lost a very close cousin of mine that I grew up with and spent many summers with.  Even though we were on opposite sides of the country we kept in touch frequently.  I was able to spend some of her last days with her at the hospice center.  We laughed, cried and shared many memories.

 I am also losing my mom on a daily basis due to alzheimers.  I try to visit her every day after work but she is not the mom I know.  I worry about the kind of care she is getting.  She was always a woman with integrity, compassion. modesty and a huge heart.  She has become so child like.  I am not sure how to deal with all of this. 

I find myself in a constant state of anxiety.  I worry excessively over my health, the health and safety of my children (even though they are adults).  Every little thing seems to be exaggerated.  My husband and I have become distant. 

Well thats it.

[mofirefly]

Nickche - I thought I recognized your sign on name (also ernurse's) - It's a reminder to me that so many others sometimes just read but no longer post.  I read your post and feel so incapable of offering any more than someone here who understands your pain and sorrow - It saddens me to read that this is causing a distance between you and your husband - seems to happen quite often, those closest to us can't understand our pain and can't fix it so they sorta pull away from us just when we want them closer.  Your overwhelming feelings of being anxious are to me perfectly expected reactions to all you are dealing with.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your cousin, but also was glad to read you were able to share some laughs and memories.  As for you mom, her disease is one I have seen far to many have to deal with and it robs people of their connections.  I do hope you will have some place of refuse for yourself to allow youself to mend.  Take care!

[nickche]

morfirefly,

Thank you for your words of understanding.  You always seem to have the right words to comfort others. 

I try to recognize that my husband has both his parents and siblings in perfectly good health so has not yet experienced the loss of a close loved one.  He also does not understand the close relationship I had with my cousin.  But when he says "you can't dwell on it and you have to move one" it frustrates me as I feel I can't grieve openly.  THis makes me angry and I distance myself. 

My mom is declining so fast with her alzheimers my next step is to find out more information and maybe look for a support group.  In the meantime I try to eat healthy, exercise when I can and breathe. 

[mofirefly]

Nickche - I've mentioned before that I feel sometimes our husbands (men in general) simply can't handle it when we are so broken and they can't fix us - so they just say that we need to move on or other things in the hope that it will help us.  My husband also has both his parents and has never had to experience loss of someone quite close until last year when his high school friend passed away in a car accident.  I think it gave him a tiny insight into what I've been feeling.  I hope you are able to find a support group - they can be very beneficial.  Until then, continue to breathe!

[bryank]

    My father passed away two weeks ago. I'm only 18 years old and I'm not ready for this change. I love him so much. I still need him to teach me and to guide me. It was so unexpected. He wasn't sick. He didn't even show any signs of not feeling well. He died of a ruptured aneurysm. We didn't even know he had a problem. No one was around when he died. My mother found him on the floor. He was eating dinner by himself. I was out with some friends and my mother was visiting her friends husband who was dying of cancer (he passed away 5am the next morning). I was in the backseat of my friends car when I received a call from my mom. She was screaming and I couldn't understand her. The only words I could make out were "He's on the floor. Come home" and then she hung up. At first I thought my mother was talking about our dog. Our dogs mean a lot to our family, I was with my dad when we got them. I was a little frightened and I called my mom back and she was screaming my name and I still couldn't understand what she was saying but I did hear her say "Your dad is on the floor" and I began to panic. I told my friends to drive me home and that it was an emergency. My friend was driving between 80 and 90 mph down US1. I sat in the back seat with my eyes closed just praying that my father would be alright. I was praying so hard.

    We got to my house and I saw the paramedics down the street stopped in front of the wrong house. I ran inside and my mother was crying and I hugged her and screamed "Wheres" dad?" with tears in my eyes. She told me he was in the kitchen. I ran in and didn't see him at first, but as I got close to the table I saw his legs. Then I got closer and I saw him on the floor and nothing seemed real from that point on. I ran outside down the street to the paramedics. My sandals fell off and I was running barefoot faster than I've ever run before. My heart was beating faster than it ever had. I was screaming as I ran down the street. I started screaming "help!" then I just kept yelling "Dad". I remember running by my friends car. My two closest friends were in the front seat and when I briefly looked at the window I could see that they didn't know what was going on. The whole time in my head I was saying "Please God don't do this. Not now. Not yet. This can't be happening." The paramedics came in and I was begging them to save my father. As I looked at him on the floor I could tell that it was too late, but I refused to believe it. I still thought that maybe the paramedics could do something for him and that maybe there would be a chance of seeing my father start to breathe again. While the paramedics were working on him I held my mother tight. I hugged her and kept saying "This isn't happening. This is just a bad dream. This isn't happening". I don't know how many time I said that. When the police officer put the white blanket over him I felt like I was... I don't know what I felt. I was shocked. I was scared. I was angry. I was angry at the paramedics for not being able to save him. I was angry at God for taking him. I was angry at myself for not being there for my dad.

    The paramedics left and the cop stayed until people came to pick up my father. It took them between an hour and a half and two hours. For a long time I just sat next to my father holding his hand. I shook him thinking that maybe there was still a chance. It still didn't seem real. I felt Like I was in a movie or maybe a nightmare. As I held his hand I kept telling him to wake up. We put a pillow under his head. It looked like he was sleeping. The next morning didn't feel real. I felt Like was just drifting. Floating. Everything seemed so dark. It was all blurry. I remember looking around but not seeing any faces, just figures. I kept expecting to see my father walk into the kitchen and have his bowl of cereal like he did every morning. Even now, two weeks later, I still feel like it's a bad dream. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and things will be back to normal.

    A few years ago my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was real bad. The doctors were saying that most people with his stage of lung cancer usually don't make it. Somehow my father pulled through. He went through a lot of treatment. He had an 11 hour surgery that left his right arm partially paralyzed. He went through chemotherapy and radiation treatment. He lost all his hair and felt terrible. A few days ago my mother told that my dad didn't want to fight it. He was so scared and he hated the chemo and radiation. He started crying and said he wanted to give up. But my mother told him to do it for me. And thats why he suffered through all the treatment. He beat the cancer and we were so happy. It's been almost two years with my father cancer free. He quit smoking. He started speed walking and lifting weights. He's been eating healthy. He really made a life change after the cancer. I'm just troubled by the thought that he went through so much with lung cancer and fought so hard to beat it only to be struck down so soon afterwards. I've never been a very religious person, but I always beleived in god and I believed that by being a good person, the higher power will help me in times of need. I've always done the right thing. I've stayed away from drugs and I always surround myself with good people. I learned that from my father. But I'm afraid I've lost my faith in god. Its hard for me to beleive anymore. I keep wondering why he took my father. But if I no longer have faith and I no longer believe, then that means there's no heaven, and the thought of there being no heaven frightens me because then I wonder where my dad is right now. The only comforting thought I have is that my dad is in a better place right now watching over me.

    One minute I'm at peace then the next minute I feel like I can't go on living without my dad. My emotions are constantly changing. I'd feel happy and glad that my dad is in a better place and no longer has to worry about things in this world, then suddenly I'll feel like I can't move and I'm just hollow on the inside. I want to talk to someone, but I'm afraid no one will understand me. I know many people have lost a loved one, but not many people were my age when it happened. I can't talk to my friends because they have no idea what I'm going through. They tell me they are so sorry and that they'll always be there for me, but I keep thinking to myself that at the end of the day they still get to go home and see their fathers. And in a way I'm kind of angry at them for that. Another thing that troubles me is that it's just me and my mother now. I see her in our house and its weird to think that we are the only ones in the house. I'm so used to watching TV with my dad or working in the yard with him. Now its all over. I'm worried about my mom. I'm going off to college in late august and I hate the thought of her being alone. She and my dad were already saddened by the fact that I was leaving. My dad was so proud of me when I got into college. I remember the smile on his face when I showed him the acceptance letter. I really wish he could have seen me graduate.

    I just looked back at what I typed and realized it is very long. Sorry. If you read it then thank you.

[4froggies]

Oh Bryank

My heart just broke for you. So young to have lost your father, my every thoughts are with you and your family.

I am 31 yrs old, lost my dad when i was 30, just weeks before I was to walk down the aisle, so on a somewhat different scale, I understand where you are coming from. I can tell you I sought grief counseling, that really helped me. I really struggled with dad's death, as we all do I am sure.  It helped me cope and put perspective to my situation--it's still hard, I am not going to lie. I still miss him every day I wake up and every night I go to sleep.

Start a journal, it has helped me a lot. I was there with my dad holding his hand when he died--I have had a lot of issues coping with that image, as I am sure you are....get them out on paper, talk to someone, something---ok?

Feel free to msg me if you want to, I am always here to listen.

[ernurse99]

Dear bryank...

         How i understand all those mixed up feelings.... i wish i could tell you that time does heal.... i am 29 and lost my dad  suddenly 7 months ago and i still have those feelings, they are sometimes just as intense as that day, the pain never goes away but it does get easier to deal with... i am so sorry for the loss of you father!!!! but do know that we are all here for you and understand  some of what you are going through! some advice i have... let those feelings out dont hold them in!!!(from personal experience) this site has been amazing in helping me release those feelings! we are all here anytime!!!

thoughts and prayers

sarah

 

[proudarmywife509]

bryank,

My heart goes out to you. I lost my dad last week suddenly. He died in his sleep and we are yet to find out why. I am only 21 and my dad was my best friend. I was his little girl and he was supposed to live to see his grandchildren.

Has anyone had any experience with grief counseling? My husband is in the Army, and when we get back to our base I am going to ask about counseling, because I really think I am going to need it. No one saw my dad's death coming, and I really need to talk to someone about it.

If anyone out there has lost their father and was very close to him, or has any advice, please email me. usarmybabe1987@yahoo.com

 

Thank you all so much,

Kayte

[Kat_Clayton]

My Dad died three weeks ago. Right? No, I guess it'll be four weeks on saturday. It's obscene, really. I'm 17 and I'll be 18 in september, senior in high school. Not that any of this really matters. haha. I feel like I'm really not grasping it. I feel way too okay. I don't have the energy to write down exactly what I'm feeling all right now. But I've been reading the stuff that people have written and some of it really does help. In my case it was sudden loss. He was up in New York on a job, he is an engineer, or constuction worker... haha something like that. He worked with wires and stuff and when he tried to explain some of th stuff to me it was wayyy over my head. So, um, he would go up there about once a month I guess on the weekends and stay there and he was electrocuted on the base. He was away a lot, working and stuff, so I guess it just really feels like he hasn't come home, ya know? Part of me feels like, I need to let it sink in, I should fall apart, but the other part of me is thinking that maybe if I just let it be, like not real than what's wrong with that? Maybe I'll never have to feel really sad. Haha, I know that's unhealthy. Me and my dad had a really shitty relationship when I was younger, and recently, I guess the past year or so, things have totally made a 180. We became okay. We were just so much a like and type A personality that it was hard to be in the same room at times, haha, but things were good. Everything was in such a great place, and I feel like God was putting things in place so I could be at peace. If this had happened three years ago I would have felt guilty and bitter and wouldn't have been able to live with myself. But I feel good, but then I feel bad that I feel good, and then reality sinks in and I feel like ****, and it's just a roller coaster. bryank, i know what you're saying, I would give anything for him to see me graduate and it's not fair. I got my SATS in the mail the other day and I broke down, /i knew he couldnt see them, and quite frankly be dissapointed in me cause I did worse, haha, and then I would find a way to put it that it wasn't my fault and it was society bringing me down. Thanks for listening

[alex329]

HI TO ALL MY BI FRIENDS ,I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW IM DOING OK.....IM STILL HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME WITHOUT MY DAD BUT I KNOW YOU ALL ARE TOO.....THERE IS SOMEONE ON HERE THAT HER DAD FROM AN ANUERISM AND BELIEVE ME I KNOW HOW THIS PAIN IS FOR YOU........SUDDEN DEATH IS SO HARD AND ITS ALMOST 2 YRS FOR ME AND IM STILL IN DISBELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     DEC 26TH 06 IS 2 YRS AND IM NOT THAT GOOD..........IM OK BUT NOT GREAT............IT DOES GET EASIER BUT IT IS REALLY HARD TO GET THROUGH...............I CANT LIE..........I DO GO ON BUT I THINK OF MY DAD ALLLLL THE TIME.........THIS SITE HELPED ME ALOT SO KEEP COMING HERE WHEN YOU CAN.........IT SUCKS TO BE HONEST AND I MISS MY DAD SOOOOOOOO MUCH BUT I CAME TO REALIZE I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS AND HAVE TO MOVE ON AS HARD AS IT IS..........I REALLY DO KNOW......I THINK ABOUT HIM ALL DAY LONG AND FEEL GUILY LIVING MY LIFE SOMETIMES BUT YOU HAVE NO CHOICE .....YOU HAVE TO GO ON........MY HEART IS FOREVER BROKEN AND MY LIFE FOREVER CHANGED BUT LIFE IS STILL GOING..............NITE GIRLS LOVE ALL OF YOU HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOU...........LOVE TARA

[mofirefly]

Tara - So good to see a post from you - Just keep hanging in there, it's all any of us can do while in such unbelieveable pain.  Do you ever hear from Cindy???  I almost didn't get on the boards tonight, but so glad I did - It's always good to hear from others who we've met along the way on this journey....it's not a club that anyone ever wants to belong to, but it is a tremendous helpt to be able to come on the boards 24/7 and be surrounded by others - sort of a unique support group.  Hugs to you and all the others.  Take Care!  Candy

[dancingrl193]

bryank,

as much as i would like to say that i know exactly how you feel, i can't do that. i do have a few things to say that will hopefully help you, though. my dad passed away when i was thirteen years old, and he was one of my best friends as you said yours was too. you also talked about how he was so happy for you when you got your acceptance letter into college, and even though he won't be there when you go off to school, you know that he was happy that you got in, and that he knows that's where you'll be. my dad encouraged me with my dancing as your dad did to get into a good college, i'm sure among other things too. well, my goal since i was six years old was to dance on pointe shoes. my dad supported my dancing, and he knew how much i wanted to achieve that goal. he never saw me dance on pointe, but a year after he passed away i reached my goal and started pointe classes. even though he wasn't there, i still knew that he would be so proud of me for sticking to my goal and not giving up on it. so if you ever feel weak or sad without your dad, i find that it helps to think of all the things he supported you in and how proud he would be of how far you've come now.

[solemate]

Warm wishes to all on the boards - today would have been my Dad's 79th Birthday - I will be ringing his twin brother to say hello and wish him well.  He misses my Dad also - they were very close and talked every few days.  My parents deaths (killed from car accident March 2007) was a shock for him and he has found it difficult.  As many would now on the boards, I found the whole circ**stance unbearable for such a long time and even now, the day of my dear Dad's birthday will bring back such pain that I struggle to see a happy moment.  I miss Dad very much and think of him often.  He was a proud man who saw service in the Korean War (Navy)  and lost many good sailing friends.  He could be a challenge for my dear Mum, often demanding to put the kettle on!.  He could also be kind and loving in his own way.  I miss our chats and discussing the Lotto results.  Growing up in the tough times saw my Dad work hard and provide for his young family.  As I grew older I understood fully what hardship meant and how he unselfishly provided for all of us.  I wish I could tell him how I love him and that each day I think of him (and Mum) and will see them again one day.  Love you Dad - Happy Birthday - Your loving daughter Gayle

[mofirefly]

Gayle - Do hope you made it thru this special day - it the past I have noted some things we kind-of had in common - but it wasn't until I read that July 28 was your dad's birthday that I realized we share that as well, as it would have been my dad's 88th!  Our dad's were from a very special and very strong generation of men who provided for their families - and even tho they didn't always show their love for us, the fact that they provided shows how much they cared.  Hope that makes sense.  Hadn't seen a post from you in a while - do hope you are doing ok.  For those new on the board who may read this, the pain of a sudden death stays with you forever, you simply learn how to carry it with you as you continue your journey.  Gayle, take care!

[solemate]

[user=15510]mofirefly[/user] wrote:

Gayle - Do hope you made it thru this special day - it the past I have noted some things we kind-of had in common - but it wasn't until I read that July 28 was your dad's birthday that I realized we share that as well, as it would have been my dad's 88th!  Our dad's were from a very special and very strong generation of men who provided for their families - and even tho they didn't always show their love for us, the fact that they provided shows how much they cared.  Hope that makes sense.  Hadn't seen a post from you in a while - do hope you are doing ok.  For those new on the board who may read this, the pain of a sudden death stays with you forever, you simply learn how to carry it with you as you continue your journey.  Gayle, take care!

Hi mofirefly - I hope this day was OK for you too - my regards for your dads birthday also.  I have always been on the boards 'albeit  just reading the postings' - good to hear from you also. - WOW I hope our Dads are up there somewhere talking through old times and comparing notes.  You are right about that generation not showing their love easily - for me my Dad never said I love you - but I know he did love me and was very proud of me.   He was brought up by a strict Victorian mother who didnt beleive in showing affection.   Today was filled with mixed emotions - I have spoken to my Dad's twin brother today(pictured below) - he misses my dad and feels a little lost.  I have shead some tears today and have also felt a little lost.  Time ticks on but you still have such an empty whole in your heart.  I guess that my loss hit me hard as my whole world turned upside down when I answered the front door that terrible day.  I am sure that there are many on this board who have also suffered sudden losses. To everyone my sincerest wishes of hope and good will. Take care Gayle

[cindyinalaska]

Hi to eveyone here on BI,

I just wanted to stop in and say Hi...I hope everyone here is doing well.  I'm doing pretty good.  I still miss my dad like crazy!!  There has been something new for me though...I have been able to talk about my dad and smile instead of breaking down into tears!  It's a huge change for me...and such a comfort.  Don't get me wrong...I still get down and I fall apart sometimes, but definately not as much as I used to.  I'm still working and I love my job!  In fact, I just returned to work after having gallbladder surgery two weeks ago.  I hope all is well with all of my friends here on BI.  Hi Tara, Candy, Jackie and Claudia!!  I've missed talking to you all so much!  I hope to talk to you soon!  Take Care, Cindy

PS.  I have a friend who's brother just died a week ago.   I gave her the name of this website.  I really hope that she joins BI...I don't think I could have made it thru such a difficult time without all of you!! 

[mofirefly]

Cindy - How great to hear from you - the people I've kindof connected with mean so much to me, so when I saw your name, it brought a smile to my face...thanks for taking a moment to share.  And as for being able to talk about your dad with a smile, I agree, it's a step that even tho great still can cause a weight kindof.  Not sure again if what I'm trying to convey is getting down on these keys.  Hope you and your husband are hanging in there, you seem to have more than your share of surgeries, and sorry about your friends loss.  Do take care...all of you here on BI...the support I get from these posts is impossible to put into words.  Breathe! 

[cindyinalaska]

Hi Candy,

You are so right!!  Being able to talk about my dad and smile is wonderful...however it is always with a heavy heart and a wish....a wish that he was here to see my kids grow up, a wish that he was here to come up to Alaska to visit my family (he had planned to come up this summer), a wish he had been able to retire and travel..a wish for more"Inside Jokes"....I could go on and on.  The smile when I think of him will always be bittersweet.  He was such a good guy....he almost always had a smile on his face and that kills me to think I will not see that wonderful smile again.   I miss him whistling...which he constantly did!  I miss his laugh.....we always had such great together!  I am smiling through the tears as I write this.   I've gone through so many emotions since my dad died...there were times my heart hurt so bad that I actually thought I would die.  I went through denial for a period of time...absolutley not wanting to believe that he was gone forever...Anger at god that he would take my dad from our family....pity for myself....you name it I've been through it.   I'm not sure how I got to the place I'm at right now.  I would'nt say that I'm at peace...I 'm not sure I'll ever be there....I'm just ok for now.  Do you know what I mean???   

As for the surgeries...yes.....My family has had our fair share....Mark with his feet surgeries, Jenny with her ear surgery and now me with my gallbladder surgery and thats all in just the past 18 months!   I'm praying for no more surgeries!    

Unfortunatley...some bad news for me though...I was just diagnosed with systemic Lupus. It's an autoimmune disease and my body is basically attacking itself.  My sister was just diagnosed as well.  The lupus most likely caused her heart attack last year at age 37.  I'm trying to keep a positive attitude...which is key when you have something like this.  I just pray that the flares don't happen too often, and my health continues to improve.   Well...I need to go...I hope all is well with all of my friends here on BI....Take Care, Cindy

[jackiewitter]

Cindy

How exciting it was just to see your post.  I am so sorry about the Lupus and please know you are cerntainly in my thoughts.  I see post from Tara and from Candy.  I have not been here in a while either.  I check on the sibling post frequently still so please let your friend know that I am there is she is looking for someone to listen.  I still ache for my brother so much. 

I went on a road trip not a couple a week ago and I thought of my mom and dad so much and also of my brother.  It was one of those reflective periods where you just yearn for them and remember road trips with them as well. 

I hope you and your family endure the rest of the summer and encourage you to take care of your self.  My mother had vasculitis, another auto immune disease.  Please treat yourself well, and the same wishes for your sister.  My thougths & prayers are with you.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[solemate]

hi to everyone on the boards - In Australia its Fathers Day today.  I just wanted to say that I miss my Dad terribly and wished he was here to share the day with us.  When I lost him and Mum that terrible day (car accident) the pain was unbearable for such a long time.  Even now some one and a half years later, some days the pain returns and I am again saddened by the loss.  Dad, you were at times a little grumpy and this was understandable given your neck surgery and the pain it caused you.  I enjoyed having a cuppa with you and talking over the latest lotto results.  I always thought that you would win that lotto game one day.  There are still questions about that terrible day and I still cannot work out how and why you were driving instead of Mum.  I guess I will never know.  Today I would have prepared a special meal and set the table with something special.  I have gone through the scrapbook I did for you just before your death and have bitter sweet memories of its meaning.  You were a loveable character with one-sided views of the world.  Many a time I was black and you were white.  You were so proud of my achievements and often told others.  You and Mum were truely a Darby and Jones couple who are sadly missed. Dad I miss you and Mum and send you both my love. Love your darling daughter Gayle

[cindyinalaska]

I've realized something.....I've been in denial.  I returned to my dad's house this past week for the first time since he died.  It will be two years in December..and I had not been to his house.  It was awful....just awful.  It's like someone smacked me in the face and yelled "he's gone...and he's not coming back".  I have had just a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach since I walked into that house.   I hate grief!!  I hate this feeling!!!  I'm so angry....I don't even know who I'm mad at...Just when you think that you are feeling like your moving forward, accepting that you have to live in this world without your dad...BOOM your right back where you started......  I'm sorry, but this just stinks!!!

[mofirefly]

Cindy - I feel so bad for how you're feeling right now....but I feel I must share that I don't think your "Boom" right back to square one....you have in fact taken one more step toward recovering and learning how to get thru this rotten journey.  Most of us stay in a sort of denial simply because we aren't yet physically able to absorb the pain any other way.  And the act of walking into you Dad's house was a reality check of sorts and even tho it felt extremely bad, you have at this time perhaps been better able to handle it than you were earlier.  I so wish I could express my thoughts better than this, but I hope you can read between the lines and simply realize that this journey is one we will be on from now on - and there will be some pretty rotten potholes, but there will also be some areas of beauty.  Do take care!

[jackiewitter]

Cindy & Candy

Hey girls.  I agree so much with Candy, it may feel like you are back to square one, but it's not.  It's progression, it is more like two steps forward, one step back; it just does not feel like it.  I am now 4 years without my father and 5 years without my mother.  The loss of Jeffrey (now 2 years) was devastating.  I have found progression but then events happen (such as hurricane Ike) and it seems like you are right back where you started.  I long for my parents to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right, or my brother to say "roll up your sleeves and let's get busy"; but they are not there.  Yet I can still feel them in spirit and I know that they have my back in a manner of speaking.  When I go through the debris of what is left, I will remember things that we did, chairs that we sat it, while the TV is crashed to the floor I will remember baseball games that my mom and I watched together.  And those will be warm memories, not painful gut-check memories. 

My thoughts are with you, I wish that I could send you hugs and make you feel better.  If it helps, Ben is coming home in November this year and he still speaks of what the girls in Alaska sent him.  So your thoughtfulness has traveled a long long way Cindy.  Never forget when you were in pain you reached out to help someone else.  That means so so much. 

Peace and blessings, Jackie

[dadslilgurl]

I'm 19 yrs. old, and I have a brother that just turned 13 at the beggining of Feb.  My dad passed away at the end of Feb.  I remeber when him and me went to my dad's to pick out his clothes for the funeral.  We both just set down and cried.  Just the fact of being there without him wasn't right, and I had been told he had died, but didn't want to believe it.  It was like we were just there, and he was still at work.  I did visit his house several times after that, (that's where he passed) and it was like he was still with me in a way.  My mom and him was divorced, so he lived there alone.  And on the weekends my brother and I stayed with him, that's where we all hung out. 

I also agree with everybody being in denial at some point.  I don't want to believe he is gone, I'm only 19, me and my brother still had so much more to do with dad.  Also, I'm getting married next summer, and the thought of my daddy not being here to walk me down the isal gives me this really awful feeling.  And to watch my brother grow up, and not have dad like I did really upsets me as well.  None of my other friends have lost their dad, not even my mom, so it's really hard to find someone to talk to about stuff like this, because they don't understand how hard it is to deal with it.

[ernurse99]

I remember feeling like that (even now, once and awhile) feeling  like you are are alone. and that no one understands you! but just remember that we get it!!!! and we are here all the time!

[justnicki]

My dad died this morning after a long struggle with a lot of different problems.  He'd spent almost a week in hospice.

I'm just very sad right now.

 

[cindyp]

I lost my dad 2 1/2 years ago and it's like yesterday. It's a struggle for me. I can't accept that he's gone. I went through caring for him while he was on hospice until he was laid to rest.

I just need to figure out how to make his passing okay with myself. Because right now, it's not.

I'm glad I found this place but I'm sad for everyone else going through this too. -

[stephysteph13]

Hi cindyp,

I can relate to you big time!! Even though i lost my mom. its been about the same time and i cant beleive im still struggling i thought i was the only one after 2 yrs feeling worse than ever. its so hard.. i feel so depressed. i hate it! i want to scream! i took care of my mom too she was also in hospice. well im here if u want to talk

 

steph

[cryingeyes]

I am still struggling too and it is coming up 3 years since my own Daddy died. His birthday would have been the the 12th and as much as I try to keep things to myself and not be emtional the worse I feel. I should be living life to the fullest but I can't seem to get there. Is this normal? I miss him like it was yesterday.

I'm sending a prayer up for the others on here that somehow peace will find you(and me) and I guess all we can do it to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hang onto hope in any form that we can find it.

Regina

[justnicki]

This past week's been kind of a blur, but tomorrow I'm back to work.  I'm hoping that I can keep it all together, but so far I haven't managed a day without ending up in tears.  Hasn't been a week yet.

Off doing laundry to get ready for the week ahead. 

This morning at church was very sad, I know that he wasn't ever there as he'd never visited me here, but some folks knew and I couldn't stop ending up in tears.

Not sure all of what to do with all these feelings.

[searchingpeace1974]

I am so thankful I found this site.  I am so saddened when I read the other post. My heart breaks because I know how badly this hurts and turns your world upside down. My father was killed in a head on collision after the driver of a cadillac escalade fell asleep and crossed the median September 30, 2008.  The reality is hitting so hard right now.  The ache in my heart is relentless.  He was only 58, I thought I had so many more years with him.  He and my mom had so many plans and they were so close.  The pain I feel for his loss is coupled with watching the grief my mom is struggling with.  My dad was a family man.  He loved us kids and my mom so much.  None of us ever dreamed he would go to work and not come home.  Life is not fair.  Why did it have to be him, he had never hurt anything.  The accident was so violent he was hurt so badly.  The rock in our family is gone.  None of my friends have lost either of their parents. No one except my family understands the pain,but we all try to keep it inside as to not upset each other.  I feel so alone and I don't know how to cope or go on with this sadness.   

[starynitesm]

Gosh I know that feeling. My father was 54! This site is great because like you none of my friends have lost a parent either and they have all wanted to give support but you could tell that none of them knew what to do. I loved them for wanting to be there and then a part of me was so jealous that they did not know how I felt...they were so lucky to have their parents. With some time though, I realized that even though my friends may not know the pain I was going through - they were great with getting me out of my saddness even if it was just a little while. You will get through this. Time helps with figuring out all these thoughts and emotions.

You will always feel the lost of your dad. Someday the pain will be more dealable. I will pray for your family

[searchingpeace1974]

We keep getting up each day, but the days are so hard.  We all miss him so much.  It has been one month today.  The day we got the news that my dad was in that tragic fatal accident changed everything.  How I long for the chance to tell him how much I loved him, how thankful I was he was a devoted father and showed us kids how a husband really treats a wife.  He was so good hearted to have to leave so soon in such a violent way. too soon. My mother is heart broken, my pain is compounded by how much she is hurting.  I wish I could make it go away.  I wish my dad would tell me he is ok.  This overwhelming sadness, the lump in my throat, the panic, won't it go away.  I don't want to get up, face the day, the holidays, his birthday, the bitter winter.  I have children, my mom, my husband, my brother, my sister why don't I realize they could be gone too and hang on tight, with a lighter heart, without this black cloud hanging above.  I want this to be bad dream, each day I wake up, it is still here, the memory of the funeral, the wake-the torture.  

[DawnFisher]

Hello -

I am posting Kelly's original post from the home page of www.beyondindigo.com/forums under the "Please Tell Us" thread "Beyond Indigo Reunion."  I thought that many of you might not have seen it there.  If you are interested in atteding a Beyond Indigo Reunion - or would like to help us in the planning stages...please post on that thread.

Thanks!

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

 

 

Hello all,

We are thinking about hosting a Beyond Indigo Reunion in Peoria, ILL next spring. It would allow people to meet other Beyond Indigo members in person. Could you please let us know if this would be something that would interest you? We would have social events by type of loss (child, parent, spouse etc). If this is of interest for people we would also be looking for "hosts" for each type of loss to plan events for that loss group. Please chime in!

Thanks

Kelly

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[justnicki]

It hasn't been a month yet... people keep telling me that I'm doing ok that I'm strong... but all I feel like alot of times is a wrung out dish rag.

He died the day after Canadian Thanksgiving... and now there's all of the American Thanksgiving ads and decorations... all I want to do is cry!

It was ok when I could just go on with life as if the day wasn't going to happen.  But I can't now.  

 

[retlaxam]

I'm a 15 year old male living in Australia. I'll still never forget it. It was earlier this year, 28th of July 2008. I went to school like it was a normal day, dad had suffered from a mild stroke or so we had been told the previous day and I was remaining positive at school. Whenever I told people that he had a stroke they were all saying things like "Is he alright?" and I would reply saying "Yeah, he'll be fine." Mum had gone to the hospital that morning to see him and take him some things. I went to my friend's house after school and tried calling mum at work to tell her that I was at my friend's house but she didn't answer. I called her on her mobile and she answered with a really sad tone to her voice. I figured that she was still at the hospital and I started to worry a little bit but still remained positive. My sister called me about 2 hours after I talked to mum on the phone and said that we were going to visit Dad in the hospital. I was happy that I was going to see him because I was really close with my dad. We got to the reception in the ward where dad was and told the nurse that we were there to see our dad. She told us to wait where we were as she went into dad's room. Mum came out almost straight after the nurse walked in. She was looking in the opposite direction and I called out to her. She turned and looked at me and my sister and she had tears in her eyes. She ran up to us and held us both really tight. She then said, "Dad's really bad, he's going to die." I started to cry and it was the first time I had cried in about a year and a half. We went into the room where he was and he was lying in the bed. He was still alive but it was almost as if he wasn't. He was writhing in the bed and his eyes were closed and he was making a kind of heavy breathing noise. We were told that he actually had a stroke on both sides of his brain and that if he went into surgery he would be a vegetable and that if we did nothing he would die. Knowing that he wouldn't want to be in a vegetable state we decided to do nothing because it would have been what he wanted. I sat down in a chair next to his bed and held his hand in the last moments we had together. I kissed him on his balding head and said "I love you dad" and he passed away at 9pm. He died 16 days before his 49th birthday.

The next few days were absolutely horrible. The morning after, I woke up and started crying heaps because it had hit me so much harder than the night before. I sat outside with my mum as she called up all our family friends to tell them that dad had died. Over the next few days we had loads of people rocking up at the house bringing us flowers and precooked food and coming up to us and hugging us then starting to cry. Although it was good to have all these people showing their support I just wanted to be alone. On one of the nights my alcoholic aunty who is my mum's sister came over and got really drunk. My dad didn't like her due to previous incidents where she had gotten really drunk and stated exactly what was on her mind and offended many people. Anyway she had gotten pissed off her face and had a go at my sister saying how much she looked like my dad's side of the family and how I looked like mum's side of the family. The next morning my mum called her up and abused her over the phone saying things like "THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU!!" She didn't go to the funeral.

The following Saturday we had the funeral. I woke up in the morning and put on one of my dad's suits. My two aunties (the drunk one wasn't there), my two cousins and my grandma showed up at the house soon after and we waited for the limousines to pick us up. I sat in the back next to my Grandma and held her as she grieved for my dad whilst we were driving behind the hearse. When we got there we were surprised to see the amount of people who had shown up. There were at least 400 people waiting at the gates. I stood in a circle with the other pall bearers (people who carry the coffin- sorry for spelling) while we waited for the hearse to get ready. We all wore beanies because dad was notorious for wearing a beanie to cover his balding head. We walked alongside the hearse up to the building where the ceremony took place. I looked and saw my dad's face on screens around the room and I started crying because it was all hitting me so fast and I was still finding it hard to come to terms with it. As we walked into the room carrying the coffin everyone stood up and the song Brain damage (ironic, but it was one of dad's favourite songs) by Pink Floyd started playing. We layed the coffin on the podium and I went and sat down next to my mum and started crying into her shoulder. There were speeches by my sister, my aunty and my dad's best friend, followed by a slide show of pictures to the song Smooth by Santana (me and dad used to play it all the time whenever we went camping). It was really hard to see the photos of him smiling because I knew I would never see that smile, hear his voice, or just see him ever again. There was then a reflection where people would go up and put things on the coffin. The song that played during this was Morning has Broken by Cat Stevens. My dad's closest friends each put an item which had some signifigance in dad's life on the coffin. Allan put down a scrabble dictionary, Terry put down a Tarot card, My cousin Leon put down a fishing rod and Glen put down his favourite metal mug. The coffin was lowered down to be cremated and as we all walked out, the song Always look on the bright side of life started to play (Life of Brian was dad's favourite movie). As we went into the lounge area I had heaps of people coming up to me and hugging me, I couldn't handle it so I went and sat outside with my 3 closest friends.

After the funeral we had the wake at our house. Once again I had people coming up to me who I didn't know hugging me and crying saying how great my dad was. My friend Josh showed up with a carton of beer and I took one. My mum saw me drinking it and told me to take it easy. There were way too many people at the house so I went down to the park with my friends Josh, Jesse and Emma, my sister, a few of her friends, my cousins and some other people. I brought down a bottle of tequila which I had in my room and Josh brought down the carton of beer. After 8 beers and a good swig of tequila I didn't need to worry about my troubles and I sat in my room for the whole wake.

Its been 4 months and people are saying that I'm coping really well but I still think about him all the time and cry almost every night about him. I've opened up to a lot of people lately and I've become more affectionate to people. I find it really hard to just cope with the fact that he won't be here for important days of my life. Birthdays, graduation, wedding day, birth of my first child, stuff like that. I'll miss our camping trips and his stories. I regret that the last thing he said to me was "I'm going to bed, night mate" and I called out "Alright night" without even looking at him. I'm sad that I won't hear anymore of his stories because he used to say "I'll tell you when you're older." I'm disappointed that we won't be going to Bali at the end of the year like he said we would. I'm just generally upset that I haven't just lost my dad but I've also lost my mentor, my inspiration, my idol and my best friend.

I love you so much Dad and I'll never forget you.

" class="translate"Dobry wieczór późny ojciec"

[retlaxam]

Justnicki. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. If I can give you any advice it's that the only person you need to worry about right now is yourself. Don't think that locking yourself in your room and crying your eyes out is bad for you because it does help.

[need2talk]

retlaxam, I just wanted to say what a beautifully written piece you wrote about your dad. I know how hard it is to put all this into words.......( lost my mum 11 months ago very suddenly and unexpectedly too) Your dad did a good job, how proud he must be of you. Stay strong, very early days....keep remembering all those happy, solid memories.

 Crying is part of healing, I think you know that... Take care...Jane x

[justnicki]

Thanks... now to just get through the holidays without wanting to pick up the phone or feeling really really alone.

[rachel2406]

Hi everyone.  I'm Rachel.  I'm 23 years old and I lost my Dad 2 years ago to cancer.  He died November 1, 2006.  I was in college and I'm not sure I ever even really started to grieve for him and when I graduated, I really started thinking about how much I miss him because I moved back home.  Now it's Thanksgiving and I'm having a tougher time than I have the last 2 years...we had these things that we'd do around the holidays and Dad would always make our Thanksgiving...I miss him.  I know there are so many people on this site who miss their Dads...people whose losses are newer and more raw than mine and I don't know why I'm feeling so down now when it's been 2 years...but I know I miss my Dad.  THe last few days, I've felt like I can't get through even a few minutes without thinking about him, about something he's missing or something he'd have liked to see or do or about Thanksgiving and the meal I'll share with my family without my Dad.  I think about what I'd get him for Christmas and how he'd light up seeing my sister's face or my Mom's face if he got them something they really liked.  I think about the midnight mass we usually go to at Christmas at this little shrine by our house where I went to school when I was little.  I try to tell myself he's watching and he's not really missing anything and all of that, but it doesn't help this season.  I can't help thinking that I don't really care if he's watching because even if he is, it's nto enough.  I want my Dad back.  I feel desperate to see him.  I want to hug him and kiss him and tell him to his face how much he means to me.  I know the holidays are hard on all of us and like I said I don't know why it's this year that's really hitting me that he's gone and not coming back.  Maybe it just took 2 years for it all to sink in.  Maybe these last 2 years I've been expecting to come back from college and he'd still be here or something and things would be back to normal.  But, gosh, most of all I just miss telling him things.  I would tell him I graduated and I'm going to grad school and I got a good job with benefits and I'm supporting myself and he raised me right.  I'd tell him I still don't have a boyfriend and that I saw this great movie last weekend and that I talked to Grandma and Grandpa and they sounded good...I have so much to tell him.  There's so much he's nto hearing.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that he's not here to hear about all the things that are going on in my life...and all the things that aren't...I hate that he's gone.  I hate that there's nothing I can do about it.  I hate the thought of going to Thanksgiving this year if he's not going to chase my sister around with the heart of the turkey.  And I feel like I don't have anyone to tell any of this to....I try to bring it up with my friends and they change the subject.  My sister talks to her boyfriend about him but wont' talk to me.  And forget my Mom, who can't make it through a sentence about husbands or fathers without breaking down.  I jsut want someone to share it with because I feel like I'm carrying this huge pain around with me everywhere, like a boulder or something on my back, and no matter what I do there's nowhere to put it down.  It's been 2 years.  Is there something wrong with me that I'm suddenly feeling so sad?  I just don't know.

[stephysteph13]

rachel2046,

Im 18, and lost my mom 2 years ago also. september of 2006. this thanksgiving for some reason feels worse than the last two for me also. i still feel depressed and im having a really rough time w it. there is NOTHING wrong with the way your feeling. trust me your ok. As for people understand they dont and never will unless they go through it. Its not an easy thing especially since we r so young. I'm so tired of missing her so much, but i also dont want to stop. its weird. my mother also died from cancer like your dad, and i know that its a nasty disease. Just letting u know im here for u. i understand.

Steph

Hope to hear from you. and hang in there tomorrow!

[rachel2406]

Thanks, Steph.  I'm sorry that you're also having a difficult Thanksgiving.  You're right...cancer is nasty.  My Dad suffered for 2 years with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, which is supposed to be relatively treatable/cureable.  I mean, when he was diagnosed, it was scary but we all thought he'd get through it.  Then his cell counts were always down and they were always having to put off doing chemo because he was too sick for it...he'd always tell them, just do it and his doctors would be like, I've never heard a patient ask for Chemo.  Eventually it was just too much for him I guess.  What about your Mom?  You hang in there too.  Thanks again.

 

Rachel