Loss of a Mother

[mofirefly]

With all the comments on taking deep breathes I wanted to share a verse from a song..."Fly me up to where you are beyond the distance stars, I wish upon tonight to see you smile, if only for a while to know you're there, A BREATH AWAYS NOT FAR TO WHERE YOU ARE" So may we all take deep breathes and know that the ones we love so very much are just a breath away. Take care.

[janiceaden]

Hi Guys,

Just to add to Libra1's incident... I was working last night at a night market selling my father in law's wine when this guy kept asking what my parents names were... He was joking around and saying silly things like "I bet your mum's name is Carmel"... He was doing this because stereotypically he was naming all the European names indicitive of my culture. My parents came from an island called Malta south of Italy. So I did feel like breaking a bottle of wine on his head but just ignored his comments and continued with my other duties! It's hard when people don't know your circumstances, I was tempted to tell him that I lost my mother last month but it wasn't appropriate at the time... Anyhow the lady in the stall next to me actually lost her 63yr old mother to a Brain tumour last year. I think fate bought us together last night b/c she would only know how I am feeling....

[janiceaden]

It's been a month since I lost my mother... No the pain is still very real and I find myself feeling anxious at times. It's very hard when you find 'items' around the house that remind you of a loved one. I just opened the toy box for my daughter and found at least 3 items my mother had bought for my son.... This is just unfair! As time goes by the more you realise that yes your life does go on, but your Heart is stuck between a rock and a hard place! My thoughts and prayers to all xx

[Edmund]

hi messenger, patrick & all. it is a hard time for all of us. i feel so alone as mom was my best friend & source of joy. i cry every day still. i used to love going down the cape but now i haven't any interest somehow. hoping 2007 will be a time to change & grow out of this hole. God Bless & merry X-mas-Ed

[libra1]

Janice, sometimes i think our paths are almost running parellel. I own a bread stall in a market place, and a few months ago , just a day before Mother's Day, one of the vendors gave me flowers. She too lost her mom a year before. Her mom was 68, mine 66. I also belive fate bought us together. She is from England like myself. We ask each other how are dad's are doing all the time. By the way , how is your dad? I felt very low today at work. Just want it to be the way it used to a few months ago. I crave for some normality. Only place I feel normal is here. Thanks everyone for being there. Only a few more days. We can get thru it, surely!

[janiceaden]

Hello Libra1 and All...

Yes there are many similiarities in our stories. Both unfortunality are linked by the death of our precious mothers which I am still in denial about..... My father is keeping busy, luckily my mum was here to celebrate his 60th birthday so we feel blessed to have some 'happy' family shots of us. However deep down I don't like looking at the photo's as my mother doesn't look well and it hurts me to see her face all blown up from the steriods. This week in Australia two young baby's died tragically (from what I know, I'm sure there are many more cases unreported)and I just think that my mum did lead a prosperous life with the joy of grandchildren and happiness, but it still doesn't ease the pain.

I wanted to call her today to tell her about my son's party at Kindergarten and how I was stopped this afternoon b/c my daughter caught someone's attention who told me that Alysia was 'beautiful'. I guess venting off my sadness can help my Heartache but with time I hope to heal.

[xjazzk]

I wish I could find someone my age who lost their mom too. Im alone...

[libra1]

It's gonna be v. difficult for you to find someone your age that has lost your mom, but remember you're not alone. We're here for you. My cousins grew uo without a father. He was murdered in a variety store. They've grown uo to be wonderful beings. All with great careers. As time goes by, you will come across children who have lost a parent. Your pain is very very fresh,understandibly so. You will blossom into a fine young lady..I just know it. Take care.

[janiceaden]

Dearest all,

What a day! Please remind not to get absorbed with all this Xmas stuff... The more I find myself outside my comfort zone the more I am feeling vulnerable. Today at the store all I saw were 'items' that one would buy for a mother. Like a bookmark with 'mother' inscriped onto it, or a wall plague with a poem about mothers... This is all still fresh.... Anyhow Jasmine perhaps posting a letter in the 'buddy forum' might hook you up with someone your age. I know it's hard for you too relate to us b/c we're so much older... I am literally double your age, so as a mum, be good to your soul and perhaps ask a student councellor to help you join a group specifically for children your age who have lost a loved one... When you think your all alone there is always someone worst off! Take Care Sweet Pea

[janiceaden]

Just like to add that I had a very big cry this afternoon. I rang my Aunty too tell her I dreamt of my mum. My cousin dreamt that my mum was an Angel dressed in Peach... Funnily enough we buried her in a peach outfit, my cousin didn't know this and was very emotional when her mother told her. I like to think my mum is looking down on me, I think she wiped my tears away this afternoon. I miss her so much, I just wish my husband didn't erase her voice message... I can't believe this is happening to me. Life is a cruel joke sometimes, 2 more sleeps until I visit her Grave site, feeling anguish but longing to 'be with her'.

JANICE

[eulaha]

Hello everyone!

It has been a long time since I've written.

The Christmas holidays tend to be my favorite time of the year, but they are difficult, as this will be the second Christmas without my mother. I've been more depressed than usual, but that is expected.

My boyfriend and his mom have been very supportive, but at times a little overbearing. Because my birthday is on the 29th, there's a lot of talk about what to do for my birthday. I have made it clear to his mom that I don't want any kind of celebration-I only want to go out to dinner with my boyfriend. But, now I hear that there is a dessert celebration being planned for the 28th (which is my bf's uncle's birthday), and that it is for THE BOTH OF OUR BIRTHDAYS! Why can't they respect my wishes? It seems that everyone knows what's best for me, except ME. I'm not in the mood to do much celebrating...and I don't feel like anything's wrong with that. Is there?

[cantbelieveit]

Eulaha, I was just signing on with thoughts of you and Septemberspain and Littlebug and all of our new family at this time.

It is also my second Christmas without mom, it is hard and I just can not believe she is gone. I never thought this would be our family. Ahhhhhhhhhh heavy sigh.

I really need to aquaint myself with this board, I often want to come on and write but it can be overwhelming. I am so overtired and wish I could be on a quiet island this holiday........it will never be the same without mom, I guess all of us feel that way.......life could not ever be the same after the loss of your mother......I wish I had a feeling of her being near or a sign I did read Hello From Heaven a month after she passed and I had such high hopes that I would be one of those people but not yet.....

Good night all you are in my thoughts.

[libra1]

Eulaha; got what your saying. Nobody else seems to get it. Only the ones who have gone through a similar experience. It's only been 8 months since my mom died, already my in-laws think I should be over it. It's a cruel world. We are all especially vunerable this time of year, especially since we have lost our moms. It's my first xmas without my mom. I go from tears to being busy with the xmas buzz. I'd rather run away from it all. Only thing I want for xmas is a sign from my mom that she's still with me... God bless you all. Wish you all a peaceful xmas.

[mofirefly]

Just wanted to share what happened today and this is the only place I can. For years my paternal grandmother made a delicious coffeebread at Christmas time and after she passed away my mom tried to continue making it. Last year I didn't even realize that the coffeebread would not longer be a part of Christmas, but this year I did, so I decided to try to make it myself. Well, needeless to say I couldn't find the recipe anywhere. Then I email my cousin and low and behold she emailed a copy of the page of a cookbook that was made when my grandma lived in a mobile home part with my parents. I was floored as I had only recently gotten my cousins email address. It's a little to late to make for Christmas, but I think I'll try for New Years. All that happened has again brought on the tears, but I can smile a little thru them this year...just had to share this with others. May we all take a deep breath tonight to help us get thru tomorrow yet again. Take care.

[janiceaden]

It's Xmas morning in Australia.... All day I have kept the tears inside but just fall into pieces when I called my mother's mum... She's 89 yrs old and lost her baby, my mum... Sometimes we think we're the only one's grieving but there are also others who are mourning the same loss as us... I only hope my mother is enjoying her first Xmas today, if only she could see the beautiful chicken I roasted.... Love you all xx

Post Xmas note: We had a lovely family Xmas dinner provided my me and my sister. I served the meals as my mother would and also washed up, something my mother refused to do lol .... We opened the presents my mother bought our children and we were all very happy with the children's reactions. My father got a record player so he played all of my mum's old records like The Beatles and Elvis of course! Sweet memories had by all.... But however that special person was missing and I longed to hear her laugh so badly.... If only they could visit on special occassions... Ciao

[Guest Guest]

Let me start off by saying I am new here, and have been reading messages anonymously before actually registering. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost their mother. I am glad that I have found this board. I just recently lost my mom on November 29th 2006. She was only 58 yrs old.

This was the first holiday where I couldn\'t even hear her voice. I spent it alone, mainly due to financial problems. I have been told I am handling my grief very well, surprisingly so, as my dad and I are not close, my dad\'s side of the family and I are not on speaking terms. So I am basically dealing, or at least attempting to deal with the grief alone.

Since it hasn't even been a month, I have had so many sleepless, tearful nights. My mom was the greatest woman anyone ever knew. Her loss is a huge void in the universe. She passed away ( Oh god, I am in tears again) from septic shock. That was the first time I had put into words where I could see them for myself about her passing.

She did admit within 4 days of having visitors. At first her speech was good. I asked her who the visitors were, and she wouldn\'t tell me. So I hung up with her trying to call the nurses station, the nurse seemed to be rude and not want to tell me. So about 30 minutes later, I called my mom back.

I asked her again who the visitors were. She replied with You wont believe me! I said come on, tell me? So she finally said the visitors were angels. I knew within days she would be gone. I kept it to myself, and was in denial, saying she was hallucinating.

I knew better. This pain I feel is so many things. Everytime I look into her room, I am hopeful that just maybe she will come home, I will hear her voice again. Then reality sets in, and I feel this pain in my chest where it is just unbearable. I lose it every night.

I miss her so much. Words can't describe the misery of her loss. I'm sure you all know and feel the same way about your mothers. My dad thinks I should already be over it, and again it hasn't even been a month. I feel so lost and alone.

[xjazzk]

Hey guest. Im 13, how old are you? My mom died in september. She was only 44 years old. She died from depression..... I dont think I need to explain. She put up with it for 30 years of her life and finally it just took over her. I could see that when she was alive, she had been, lately, becoming more depressed and mad and tired and not happy altogether.

Sorry for your loss

jasmine

[mofirefly]

Guest - I'm sorry you are having to bear with your loss on your own...but whenever you need to, you can come here, as this is a place to share your thoughts and concerns with others who are traveling the same bumpy road. People around us can say whatever they want, but I don't believe there is any way you could be over what has happened...there is no getting over it. You are the only one who knows what you are feeling...and for you it's only been less than a month...and it sounds as if it was an unexpected death (although I'm not sure any parting of a loved one can be totally expected). Some here are new and others have been traveling longer, but here you can receive some support...and you can release some of your thoughts and concerns...as no one is going to judge them. I hope this site brings you some comfort in this painful time of your life. Take Care!

[janiceaden]

Dearest all...

Guest I lost my mother one week before your loss. It's only sinking in now as the days grow longer and my yearning to hear her voice increases. Nothing can prepare you for the sense of loneliness that emcompasses the loss of a mother. I miss our daily chats, our laughs, our 'gossip' sessions and most of all her warmth and maternal love. Release your pain slowly at your own pace. It all seems surreal so acknowledge your time spent with her as the most valuable asset you own. I am deeply distressed now as I slowly pack away my house, I keep finding items that she gave to me and my son. I found an album from when my son was born almost 4 yrs ago and she looked so happy holding my son (Her first grandchild)..... Who was to know 4 yrs later there would be no more her?........ This loss is so like no other, mothers are so special.....

I share in your sympathy... I've learnt to enjoy life and it's simple joys and not dwell on the should haves or the should nots.... I try to live each day like my mother is still with me..... Ohhh this Heartache is so sad...

[griefstricken]

Hi again I am the guest. Thank you all for you sympathy and thoughts. IO am at such a great loss for words, the point I am at is just all the emotions. Janiceaden, wow, they went so close together. As I am sure you are probably going through and feeling what I am, except I noticed you seem to be more expressive.

For me, the words are not so easy to come out. MoFirefly, no she suffered for what seemed forever before she passed, but there was always an inkling of hope that one day she would come home, and then as time dragged on the disagnosis kept getting bleaker and bleaker, until time ran out. Jazzy, I am 30, and for being so young, you are very articulate. Your strength is encouraging.

I feel remorseful, because she wanted to see me do so much before she passed. Now thinking about it, it's almost like she knew she was living on borrowed time. My dad, when he got the grim news of her survival rate a few days earlier seemed to be in denial. He kept telling me, Don't worry, Mom is strong. She will come home.

He failed to mention which home. Everytime I walk past her room, it's like just a glimmer of hope runs through my heart, that none of this is real, and she will come home. Then reality sets in, and fear takes over. I too am in the process of moving. Packing things, and finding pictures when she was well.

There are times, when I find pictures I had long forgotten about, and when one shows up, I just break down. I actually have to stop whatever I am doing. Nights seem to be the worst for me. I keep seeing her, lieing there, she looked peaceful after she had passed. I was the only one in the room at the time. She passed in my arms.

It's like she was waiting for me. I remember the Doctor calling as if it were just yesterday. He told me, if I could down there, I had beter do it soon, as they didn't think she was going to make it through the night. So as upset as I was, I got dressed, got in my car, got on the freeway, and hit about 80. I had to pick my dad up.

I phoned the Doctor on my cell, I told him you do everything in your power to keep her alive until I get there. He said he couldn't promise but he would. He told me he told her I was on my way. At this time, she had already fallen into a coma. He said he knew he could hear her, but didn't think she could understand him. So here I am, speeding, screaming at nothing in the car, as I was alone.

Screaming, MOM YOU WAIT FOR ME, I AM COMING. I SWEAR I AM! I was of course hysterical. It was a 2 hour drive, and if you count traffic 3 1/2. So I finally get there at the hispital at 8:30 PM. I held her hand, put my head on her chest. Every now and then looked at the ventilator, and could see she was breathing, more like gasping for air.

So I kept talking to her. I told her she no longer had to fight for me, when I was little she made me a promise, that she wouldn't leave me until I didn't need her anymore. I told her, I would always need her, but I didn't want her to come back to that body of pain that she had long suffered in, and that it was alright to let go. I would always love and need her.

Exactly, at 9 pm, she took her last breath, and her lifeless body just lay there, the ventilator was still on, so I waited 5 minutes. As I had hoped she hadn't passed, and when 5 minutes were up, and I saw no more breathing, I ran out of the room crying and telling the nurses, who had known her for 7 months, cause she had been hospitalized for that long. They knew her and as distraught as I was, they were feeling the loss to.

Many of them told me, they were extremely sorry for my loss. I could see the tears in their eyes, because they would see her every day. So my dad called the Doctor that same night to let him know she had passed, my dad fell apart after he had seen her after she passed. I had told my dad on the way down to the Hospital, Mom was waiting for me.

No one seemed more convinced then I was. So he told the Doctor my exact words after she passed, that she had waited for her daughter. The Doctor said, you know, I truly believe she did understand what I had told her, and I am amazed she held out that long, so she must have been waiting for her. Every day is like she dies again.

I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, and I'm hardly eating. Just not hungry. If I do eat it's maybe once a day, and very small portions. I'm afraid I wouldn't keep it down. I really believe that when she died, she took half of me with her, cause I do feel dead inside. No one, and nothing could ever break my spirit. The day she passed, that broke my spirit.

I promised her grandkids before she passed, and I failed miserably. I promised she would be at my wedding, and here I am still unmarried. I have a lot of remorse over these things. It's like I see life going on, and everything is in slow motion. What a cruel, cruel ending to such a beautifully, kind and amazing woman.

Dearest all...

Guest I lost my mother one week before your loss. It's only sinking in now as the days grow longer and my yearning to hear her voice increases. Nothing can prepare you for the sense of loneliness that emcompasses the loss of a mother. I miss our daily chats, our laughs, our 'gossip' sessions and most of all her warmth and maternal love. Release your pain slowly at your own pace. It all seems surreal so acknowledge your time spent with her as the most valuable asset you own. I am deeply distressed now as I slowly pack away my house, I keep finding items that she gave to me and my son. I found an album from when my son was born almost 4 yrs ago and she looked so happy holding my son (Her first grandchild)..... Who was to know 4 yrs later there would be no more her?........ This loss is so like no other, mothers are so special.....

I share in your sympathy... I've learnt to enjoy life and it's simple joys and not dwell on the should haves or the should nots.... I try to live each day like my mother is still with me..... Ohhh this Heartache is so sad...

[septemberspain]

Hello everyone,

I know it's been a while since I've written. As I've read the posting written I only wish there was some type of understanding or some advice I could pass on.

Eulaha, It's been a while since you've been here and I think of you often.

Cantbelieveit, How are you? I know the second year does feel alot worse than the first. I barely made it thru this holiday. I didn't put up any decorations, lights, or even pull out my powerstapler LOL! I felt meanier than the GRINCH and I think I behaved worst than a 2 year old pouting for my mommy.

Jazz, let me tell you that even though I don't post often I read almost daily and I admire your courage, strength and wisdom that goes beyond your 13 years. You inspire me and encourage me on days when my world is still spinning. I know the load you are bearing isn't a easy load and the pain is unbearable. I maybe 46 and struggling with this but your encouragament is by far the best I read and felt in such a long time. Sweetie, please continue to shine thru this darkness, if I can give back to you just a fraction of strength you've showed here I'm here.

As I've read the different stories about the loss of our precious mothers it's heartbreaking to know that someone else shares the same loss. I grew up knowing that 2 things happen in life birth and death and no matter what we are never fully ready to accept the death of anyone. I'm grateful to have had my mom in my life for 44 years and the one thing that I've learned thru this journey is I can't get over losing her in 15 months and move forward. She was my reason for being here and I know that even though she may not be here in the physical sense, I carry her with me every single breath that I take. I look at people when they react to their own mother and I see the lack of appreciation that they show at times and I make it a point to let them know that one day you will wish for the opportuntity to hear her voice to wish that she would fuss or even just a simple hug from her. My mom died from that freaking disease cancer and I was lucky enough to fight her battle with her (she was diagnoised and died with in 8 weeks) I feel those eight weeks gave me some peace it allowed me to actually strengthen my bond with her and to let her know I did become the woman she nurtured and taught. There are still days and times when I wish the last 15 months of my life didn't happen, but yet I'm finding renewed strength to go on, only because I feel she died knowing I could continue on and be the woman she raised. Do I still cry? You bet I cry silently each and everyday my tears still fall and I still struggle with her not being here. I still talk to her and I ask her whether or not I'm doing what's right I believe with all my heart that she shows and points me in the direction I should be going. I'm not saying that I'm done with grieving what I'm saying is I've learned to function with the huge hole in my heart one that will never be replaced or fixed I'm just functioning.....

Mom, I love you and I miss you so much but I know you are still watching over your babies. Until we meet again........

[janiceaden]

Dearest Griefstricken and all,

Your post was so painful too read that I felt like I was there with you. No one should endure the pain of watching a loved one die, especially when it involves dying slowly from an incurable disease. My mum had cancer for 2 and a half years. At one stage she was in remission and it was like a 'miracle' had occurred. No one could believe that she had beaten this... At my sister's wedding in 2004 my dad made a speech about my mother and how she was a blessing to have survived her cancer.... I don't think I could ever watch that tape again.

Sometimes I wonder if it is easier to grieve when you have young children. When my mum died I couldn't even look at them, I was so devasted that all I wanted to do was be left alone. When my mother in law left and my husband went back to work I felt like all I wanted to do was scream and not 'get on with life'.... How can one function when her World has just come crumbling down? I will never view the World the same, I will never get over losing my mother to cancer, and I will never forget the outpour of mourning that was present at her funeral..... I remember looking at her body dressed so beautifully thinking how can this women be dead? How can she? She didn't look sick anymore. I wanted her to move and smile and say Hi Jan..... The pain we all share is uncomparable to anything in this World..... Please continue to write in this forum b/c God knows we need each other... Peace xx

(Post note: After it was confirmed that my mother had died I looked at her in disbelief, I remember leaving the room crying hystrically when I was confronted with 6 trainer Dr's.... They looked at me like I was a psychiatric patient, I'll never forget how I felt that morning... ).

[mofirefly]

xjazzk - I just noticed a post of yours from dec 22 about wanting to find someone your age...there is a forum here at beyond indigo that is for teens who have lost their moms - thought I'd mention this in case you hadn't already found it on your own. You could post there and still post here. Take care.

[xjazzk]

I know ive been on it... no one really posts. I posted a bulletin but like no one did again. I dont mind older people. Im just like really young to have lost my mom.

[janiceaden]

Hi again

I just got home from unpacking some of my stuff at the inlaws house. We're living there until we finish building.. Luckily for me they only visit home once a week as they own a winery a few hours out of Melbourne, Australia. Anyhow whilst I was packing some of my gear I found a few cards that my mum had written for me on occassions like my wedding and my last few birthdays. I sat there gob smacked as I will never get a card from her again with the infamous word 'love Mum, Dad and Chi Chi' (Her dog) lol... The reality is that my grief is starting to get worse, I feel all alone and yet I am surrounded by family. I just really can not believe that she is not here anymore! How am I going too survive knowing that the Guest room I am building for her and my father will never occupy her body, the dream house I am building will never bear her footsteps. Why did God take my mother and inject her with this poison called cancer? Sometimes I see older women and I envy them for being 'alive'... This sounds selfish but I often see older couples and I think about they're children (mostly middle aged) and I am consumed with jealousy that my mother and father will never walk hand in hand again! She was such a beautiful women, I truely can not make sense of this yet as my loss is so fresh but I hope one day I will find the answers to the questions I seek.... I see her in my dreams on most nights and I am greatful that she is still alive in my head....

xjazzk please feel free to write about your loss. A burden shared is a burden halved. I understand your mother didn't have cancer or die accidently, but a death is a death and a mother is a mother. I am 28 but feel so young to have lost my mother at this stage of my life. I felt that this was the time for mothers and daughters to share recipes and enjoy each others companionship. I know when I was 13 I wanted to grow before my time and wasn't one to think about death or losing a mother (In honestly all I cared about was my music, school and boys!). I can only say that this is when we are at our most vulnerable. Continue visiting this site, no one can make you feel better but we are here to vent our loss and lend an ear to each other. God's Blessing..

(PS: I understand that I am 28 and double your age, but please understand that what I witnessed was worst then any horror movie. I wish I never saw my mother die from cancer, her image still haunts me. I hope your last image of your mother was serene and beautiful. She left this Earth to rid herself of her depression as my mother did to rid herself of her cancer)... We are young, let's grow old and take each day as a blessing... Slowly but surely...

[mofirefly]

xjazzk - I had to giggle when I read you don't mind older people, so thanks for being here where age is not important.

janiceaden - Your posts are so full of meaning - there will be so many things that happen that will possibly make you feel your grief is getting worse, however you will be healing from the grief, we just don't have anyway of healing from the missing.

to a lot of others who have posted and are now possibly just reading - I hope you are doing ok and that the holidays were bearable. Take Care.

[hootiesmomma05]

Janiceaden, you are writing everything I am feeling and going through. Mom just left on Dec. 14th from cancer. I am 31 and so consumed with pain right now. Sometimes I just don't know what direction I'm going in if I'm going at all. I can sooo identify with you right now. I am pissed that my mom had to go through the hell of cancer and that she was taken from me. I feel like I am swimming through sadness and a miriad of other emotions that perform sneak attacks on me. I too feel so immensely alone. I have tons of support from family and friends yet none of them are her. Well. I will continue to stumble on and try to find my way. Thank you for sharing yourself. You comfort me. I don't feel so horribly alone when I come here.

Sara

[cantbelieveit]

I am one of the members from over a year ago that you may see here off and on I read and can not always respond lately and for that I am sorry.

This has been quite a road.

I relate well to just about everyone...my mom left us in October of last year, I am 38 and still can not believe it...My mom was like a best friend....I still feel like a teenager...I am married with no children and it brakes my heart to see my dad without mom. Life seems so unfair I know it does. I have no great words of wisdom and I wish I did.

Hang in there everyone, I know how hard it is........I am just really amazed that the most upbeat person I know is gone, it makes me scared of my future.

Septemberspain, It was great to hear from you. I know what a long hard road this has been, it always make me smile to see that you have posted. Please stay in touch. I know it is hard and there are so many emotions. Sometimes I wonder (well often) what has become of alot of us that had posted in months gone by...I hope they are well.

Dee, think of you often...Littlebug how is that baby girl.....?

xjazzk, I am so sorry you have to be on this board, although I am glad you come and write and share with us (even though we are older) smile! Take care of yourself I wish I could take this away for you I really do. I hope you have family and friends along this journey. I know life is never the same without your mom. Be well

[janiceaden]

I just spent the last 5 mins writing a deep and meaningful until my little one turned the computer off... Will write soon... Just got my hands tied!

[xjazzk]

today i opened a card that i had forgot to open on christmas. My aunt gave it to me. In it were pictures of me and my brother and sister when we were young. As I went through it I came across a picture of my mom. I dont know why but uncontrollably i broke down and cried. I didnt mean it. I guess it was because i didnt see a picture of my mom in a while.

It was good to see her though.........

[janiceaden]

xjazzk I think that photo popped out because your mum wanted to let you know she is with you. Funnily enough we must look for these cues our loved ones are sending. I try to think like my mum nowadays, I often hear her voice telling me to do things as she would intend. A few minutes ago I recieved an email to audition in a new tv game show being broadcasted for next year. In 2004 I was on The Price is Right and I won a great deal of money (its only money!) and some other minor gifts, I think this is a message from my mum telling me to do it. I was on tv late 2005 on a current affair program talking about pillows! (My hubby and I had to road test pillows!).... My mum also got a thrill from seeing me being out there and enjoying life. Therefore I hope to win the million dollars up for grabs and upgrade her gravesite with flashing disco lights and a red carpet leading to her gravestone... How cool would that be?

Well from a distarious morning in which I chipped my tooth and had to find a dentist open to repair it my day has turned out ok... I did cry when I called my dad to help me with the baby b/c I felt so overwhelmed, but I am feeling better after my cry. I only hope Jasmine that you did some soul cleansing...

hootiesmooma05 my Heart felt empathy to you and yours. Your wound is still so fresh and bloody. I've at least had some time to put a band aid onto mine. Sometimes the band aid needs dressing but I think I know accept my fate and understand that life still goes on regardless. Some days I just wish the World would 'shut up' and I can weep all day and lye in bed, but there are mouths to feed, clothes to wash and a husband that needs his wife. I am sorry for your loss and I hope that we can become great friends. The reality is that no one can replace our mums, no one can share this pain as we all grief differently but one thing I know is that life is precious and short lived. I only hope that I live to be old and grey! Take Care all and write back soon... Janice Butera xx

[Guest Guest]

On the 15th of November my mom died.She was only 46 years old.She was my best friend and we had just opened a business together just the two of us. I had a baby 5 months ago and he was just about to turn 4 months before she passed away.They say she had a severe heart attack but she never complained of any illness.What makes me mad is why she counldn't tell us that something was wrong.That same day she died she took me early in the morning to the doctor and took my dad to the doctor that afternoon.She phoned me about an hour before she passed on and she sounded fine to me.Why do things like this happen. God gave me a beautifull child and for that he took someone that was my everything away. I don't know how to deal with this pain because it is really killing me inside and it is making it really tough to be able to be there for my child and to be a good mom because im still trying to grieve and get over this. Please could someone give me some advise on how to deal with this and how to make this pain go away?????????

[mofirefly]

Oh Guest - How I wish there were words of advise that could take away the pain...I've been reading and rereading your words and the sudden loss of your mom is going to be so difficult to heal from. A person who was a part of you for your entire life has been torn away and now you have to try and go on in this life without her. Your mom sounds like she was the major caregiver, taking people to the doctor...she might not have even known herself that she was having health problems. My mom would take me to the doctor as well and she was the caregiver for my dad and had planned on helping me take care of my husband...then she was taken from us in a car accident. The emotions that I've gone thru are at times enough to make me feel crazy, but the very sharp physical pain has started to be more bearable...but for me it's been 16 months...so like I said, I do wish for you that advise alone could help with the pain, but for now the only advise I can give is to please come back anytime and share your thoughts and perhaps with the support of others here the pain will become more bearable. Take care of yourself and your beautiful child.

[libra1]

Dear Guest, there is so much I wish to say to you that I don't really know where to start. My mom also died suddenly of a massive heart attack in April this year. Only thing is there were some minor signs things were not right. In January she kept on compalining of fatigue. She was also depressed, so the dr. thought this eas causing the fatigue. She had just had a major knee surgery, so I thought she was tired sue to this. She complained she was dizzy a couple of times, but her bp wasup , so sr. and we also thought this was why. On the day she died she felt lie she had the flu, with terrible back pain, and nausea. She suffered from artheritis, so was always in pain. She even complained of a little chest pain an hour before she died, but she thought it was the flu..so did my dad. About 15 mins before she died her chest pains got worse. But, again she and my dad did not take it seriously, because she supossedly had the flu. Before my dad left to get take-out food she asked for a hot-water bottle. That was the last my dad saw of her alive. When he got back she was gone. I feel we all let her down in some way. I live far away, but she did tell me she was't well. I was just so used to hearing her day this that i thought it was her age. Liittle dd we know that her arteries were severly blocked. If only we knew, she would've been alive today. My dad is suffering from severe guilt. I wish I had told her to get a full medical exam. But apparently she had one begore her knee op and all was fine. I suffer each day from the what if's, and if only's. It's been 8 months, and although i do less of this, I still feel pain. So, dear guest, I think there is a long road ahead for you. Your main distraction will be the young child you have to focus on, but there will be times you just wanna sink. I get on this website as soon as i feel like this, and advise you to do the same. I also see a therapist. He's a big help. I talk to my husband alot , and he's been super. Let your emotions out as much as you can. Sudden death's are very hard to overcome. THere's absolutly no preparation. I know ther are many peple who will say at least she didn't die in pain...but it doesn;t make it any easier. Just keep talking to us.

[xjazzk]

Dear guest. I can only imagine what you go through. My mom always dreamed of being a grandmother. She always used to say oh i cant wait until i can spoil your kids. and dress them up in cute clothes. I havent even thought of having kids yet im to young.

http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p175/xjazzk/mom.jpg

thats my mom. I loved her. and I always will =[

[janiceaden]

Why do the good die young? To all who have lost a mum my Heart felt sympathy. The constant thought that I have lost my life line is a hard hitting blow for me as it is for all of you. Our mothers were always there for us regardless and now they're gone and we miss their presence so badly that we're virtually lost without them. I know my mother was my soul mate, we looked alike, we spoke the same, we shared the same mannerisms and we were best friends. She's gone now but I'm here to continue her work, I'm her replacement on Earth. I birthed a baby daughter and she is a replica of me and a part of my legacy. The cycle of life continues my friends. For every death there is a birth. My daughter is the new 'me', she will continue to carry my strengths and weaknesses, she is also the closest link to my mother I have. I use my daughter to draw strength as I know she will be my mouth when I can't talk and my eye's when I can not see anymore when and if the time comes. I live in fear of tomorrow, but I also anticipate what my futures holds... Rejoice with what you have, I cry and sulk about not having a mother, but I am blessed with good friends, family and health. I am so proud of myself as we all should be. Jut think how hard it is for us carrying this pain in our Hearts but we're all good people and we're carrying on with life. I should stop and appreciate that a death is not always a loss... In this misery I find solace knowing that I have learnt to be such a strong women and with that a person by mother would be so proud of.

For those without children I hope your siblings, aunts and perhaps grandmothers represent a little of your mother. I know that in my grandmother I see my mother's eye's, in my aunty her humourism and in my sister her smile. Therefore our mothers still live on in us and someday it will in your children....

It hurts like Hell but we have each other to lean on. With every post another piece of the puzzle is being placed together... Words can not express our sorrow but our Hearts share in the same pain... I can only imagine that by mother is in a 'better place', like your mother/s, she didn't deserve death nor did she want to die, but we are all immortal and just as we have a 'birth' day, some day we shall all exit this Earth and be re-born into the unknown... My mother did see 'Angels' and for that I hope you can visualise Heaven as the most beautiful place on Earth...

[janiceaden]

Jasmin your mother looked beautiful and so radiant in that photo. I hope you remember the good times and reminise about how much she loved you. Depression is a serious illness and so with that I hope oneday you can make sense as to why your mother left this Earth for the pursuit of happiness. My blessings for you and your family. May you continue to share your thoughts and photo's with us.

With much respect and admiration Janice

[stormy23]

Good day to you all! I was not logged in yesterday and was put as guest. I just wanted to say thank u to u all for replying to me. Your words and advise really gave me some hope! I'm feeling rather down today. Don't really feel like carrying on but i know i have to for my child. Don't really have anyone else to talk to. I live with the father of my child and i thought that he loved me but he almost walked out on us today and because i am so vunerable and alone i begged him not to go. Now im feeling so desperate and stupid. He was great when my mom passed but exactly one month afterwards he got this attitude that i should have gotten over it by now. Whenever i try and talk about my mom he sort of shuts off and doesn't seem to care. I don't feel that he is very good for me especially now but i dont want to be alone especially having to raise a baby. Do u think he is worth staying with or not??Wish i could just run away and start afresh with no memories in this place but it's really not that easy. please someone give me some advise. Love to u all!!

[michellemarie]

I have been on this site since my mom passed away on July 25 2006. It has been such a blessing to be in the comfort of so many people who feel the pain I have been experiencing.

I just finished phlebotomy classes on Dec 21. My mom knew that I would be attending the classes.The night of my graduation I was talking to her as I drove

to class. I said 'mom, I'm graduating tonight and I know you are proud and if you were here you would give me a big hug.

When I got to class I was the first one there and the door was locked. I had the janitor let me in and not even 2 minutes later the phone in the classroom began to ring.(it had never rung before). I knew at that instance it was my mom. Then the phone rung again.I did not answer it. I told my little sister about it and she said too that it was mom letting me know she knew.

My mom and I talked about her dying all the time and she said she was glad she had someone to talk to about it. She said the first thing she was gonna do when she got to heaven was crack open a can of beer with her dad. He died when she was 12.

There is a book I found last night and I am sure so many of you would enjoy the comfort it would bring. It is called-Feathers brush my heart- by Sinclair Browning. It is a collection of stories of mothers who connected with their daughters after they passed. I cried reading it because so many of the words they said pertained to what I felt.

Sorry this is long.

[libra1]

Dear Stormy23, gosh, you're going through so much at once...the birth of a child, your mother's loss, and now this. You are definatly vunerable right now. I do think this young man needs to be more supportive, but it seems your relationship with him is not strong. If your together with him for the baby's sake,chances are your relationship will not work. Maybe it's too soon, but do you think this boy would go into therapy with you. You could find someone who could help with your grief, and perhaps help you figure out where your relationship is going at the same time. I wouldn't give up right away, but if he continues with this attitude,, he's not the right guy for you. Do you have anyone else to help you? Maybe you need some time alone together to figure things out. My heart goes out to you. Have faith...there will be light at the end of this tunnel.....remember your mom's with you always.

[Guest Guest]

Hello, everyone. I'm not sure why I have "guest" as a username because I put my name in. I'm Lolly.

I just read the posts here, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you for your losses. Losing a mother is just the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through, and I know I'm not alone. I ache for each of you, and yet I am comforted to know I'm not alone in my grief.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer less than two months ago, and she passed two weeks ago at the age of 74. Christmas has been a nightmare because a person always feels they have to help the rest of the family have a reasonably normal holiday (I have two children and two young grandchildren). It's so hard to feel anything or do these things when you're grieving.

I feel so much for the people here who are younger than I (I'm 47). I think it's even harder to lose someone when you're younger. I, at least, had many more years with my mom. She was just the best. I miss her more than words can say--and this I know you all understand. My sisters and I are rallying 'round each other, but there is really nothing that can help a broken heart at this time.

I feel for each of you. Hang in there. Know that we're all in this together--fighting to keep on even though at times we feel like we're teetering on the brink. Keep a tight hold. We can make it.

[xjazzk]

hey lolly. im very sorry bout ur mom. my mom was 44. she died of depression. its hard for me. she died 9-12-06. I dont know how she put up with it for 30 years!

but what ever

sorry

jasmine

[eulaha]

These days, I like to sleep, because it is only in sleep that I spend time with my mother. It's as if I'm taken back 20 years, and my siblings, cousins and myself are little kids. It's weird- almost like visiting the Twilight's Zone, but I feel so happy and peaceful there. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong when you'd rather spend all your time sleeping so you can visit that special place?

[mofirefly]

eulaha - there is never anything that is right or wrong...if sleeping brings you some happiness, then enjoy that time, but I would be concerned if it is all you want to do as I've heard that's a sign of depression, so be careful...but enjoy the blessed dreams.

Yesterday I reached a new low as I really didn't want to face yet another year without mom, but this morning I was lifted up and carried by God as I was given the joy of a phone call from someone I was hoping to hear from, was able to bake the coffeebread my mom/grandmother had made each year that I can remember (so now I'll carry on the tradition), found an item that had gone missing and sooo much more. As this New Year's Eve quickly approaches I will be getting thru my second without mom...don't know what is ahead in 2007 and don't really want to know...just know that if I fall into despair again that God is the same yesterday, today and forever and He will help me get thru this agony of missing my mom (and my dad).

May each of you on this site find some peace and comfort on this long road we are traveling. Take Care!

[xjazzk]

U know what. I hate people who have moms. If one more person dies in my family im going insane.

xglikdhjsoi

=[ jasmine

[janiceaden]

eulaha, I agree with you regarding the slumber time. I look forward to bed time because it's the closest I will be to my mum. I don't always dream about her but when I do it is warm and makes me feel like she's still around.

This New Years count down was the worst ever for me. I wanted to be home when the clock stroke midnight. I weeped like a little baby, I don't think my husband understands want a loss I have endured. Time is not proving to be a healer thus far. I find that I'm not so anxious anymore and waking with chest pains. Slowly the pain of knowing that she will never return comes and I feel longing in my Heart, but it is short lived.

As far as losing a mother, it doesn't matter how old or how young you are, it hurts like Hell. This pain is just testament as to how important a mother is. I long to find another women who makes me feel like my mum did, but until then I'm living my life as she intended me too. She was so proud of us and I hope that she's watching over me. It's hard not having that help or friendly mother advise, but I'm breaking down barriers and doing it all on my own.

Jasmine, all my friends still have they're mothers around. Meanwhile my mum was one of the youngest mummies in my circle of mates. I envy them to an extent, but I don't make it my soul priority to do so. They feel my loss like it was they're mother. I'm sorry your mum died at such a young age, but she would not want you to suffer like this. I hope you find what your looking for. I feel for you as your a young women yourself looking for that maternal arms to hug you. I only hope that this forum enables you to feel that you are cared for and much the centre of our attention.

Wishing everybody a 'fresh' start to 2007.. WE MADE IT!

(This time last year my mother was in Hospital, I recall visiting her in the oncology ward... I am at least 'at peace' that she is no longer living in pain. I know deep down she wanted to end her battle, no one asks for cancer!).

[tfeenlea]

Hi. I\'m Tracy. Today I just want to thank you for letting me read your posts. I can\'t write much now my brain can\'t get the words out right. Today has been a really hard day and I miss my Mom so much. She died suddenly in her sleep of a pulmonary embolism (clots) the morning of Dec 13th - not even 3 weeks ago. I am an only child and my Mom raised me alone. She was my best friend. She also was the caregiver for my kids for the past 6 years while me and my husband work. I saw and spoke to her everyday and now she is just gone. She didn\'t show up at my house that morning and I went over there and found here there. She was only 58 and I am 39. I can relate to a lot of what I\'ve read here and my heart goes out to all of you too. Nobody loves you like a mom. I feel like part of my heart has been ripped out. If it weren't for my two wonderful children I would be permanently curled up in the fetal position on the floor. Thanks for listening.

Tracy

[eulaha]

Tracy,

I'm so sorry for your recent loss of your mother. I lost my mom about 16 months ago, and the pain is still with me. Take time to grieve. I know it is hard when you have children to take care of. My sister (who has two little ones of her own) had to do her crying at night after she put the kids to bed.

[xjazzk]

hey tracy. Im sorry. I lost my mom september 12 06. 2006 was a hard year for me. I know you may think your alone. Well your not. We all lost our moms here. Geeze i miss my mom. unfortunatly i dont know what pulmonary embolism is. HOWEVER i do know that any way she died is tragic. My mom died of depression. (im not gonna explain). my uncle her brother, now feels very badly about it. My aunt had notcied my mom was very very depressed those last days. and asked if he would go to help her, and make sure she was alright. But he refused and now look where she is.

I have a part of a song that makes me sad because i feel like it fits me

"I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life"

I saw my mom the night before she died so i feel that fits me perfect. not in a good way.

but anyways im so sorry fo your loss

jasmine

[janiceaden]

Dear Tracy

The only wish I have for you is strength right now. The ability to wake up and see good in the World seems far fetched but it's awaiting you. I too lost my mother recently and for a long time felt no motivation to keep on living ( I was never suicidal, I just wanted to be left alone). Just when you think everything is great all this happens and life becomes a living misery. I have two children under 4, a loving husband and a great lifestyle but nothing compares to the loss of a mother. I would give my right arm to see her again. I am still living in denial and often feel like she is still here on Earth. I miss not hearing her voice and telling her about my day. I was selfish in the end when I knew she was dying because I had faith that she would beat her cancer. Needless to say I had time to prepare for her loss, I grieved everyday for her whilst she lay in bed and I cried knowing that death was pending. I know that most of our forum members lost they're mums unexpectedly and I am grateful for my time with my mum on Earth but nothing really prepares you for the aftermath of such a loss. The hard core fact is that she's gone and she's not coming home. When she lay in that bed talking about 'home' I knew she meant Heaven. I hope that the Angels my mum saw where there to take your mother home. I am not Religious but I do believe that a higher being was present when my mother died as she left this Earth smiling. (She stopped smiling weeks before her death which to me is a sign that she was 'alright' and most of all pain free).

Life has dealed as all a severe blow and I only hope we can live life knowing how precious it is. I often think now that my mum has graduated to another place and I am somewhat envious of her. We all have to go one day, and so life keeps going, for every death there is a birth (My sister is having a baby in July).

Just to end, my mother told me not to cry for her as she didn't want to see me sad, this is advise I'm sure all mothers would have for all out there crying for there mums who would never want to harm there child in any way, shape or form. Please take the good days with the bad, cry some but also smile, be good to your soul, we are here for you.