Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life

[steveb]

9 hours ago, tnd said:

Sometimes this means leaving what we thought was our comfort zone.

No doubt tnd.  My outlook on many things has changed.  I even tried the Wim Hof breathing techniques for awhile, which actually helped me to relax quite a bit when I really needed it. Now, I do my version of meditation in the morning,  

[KayC]

40 minutes ago, steveb said:

 I even tried the Wim Hof breathing techniques for awhile, which actually helped me to relax quite a bit

I've never heard of it, may have to look into it...

[steveb]

Give it a shot KayC!

[tnd]

On 2/20/2022 at 4:06 PM, steveb said:

Give it a shot KayC!

steveb:  I read on the Wim Hof site that it's even used to reduce symptoms of Sarcoidosis, which is what I have. I've kind of been doing the Wim Hof method on my own already....sit and inhale deeply thru my nose and then exhale deeply thru my mouth. Respiratory Therapist suggested this. The bigger/deeper the breaths the higher my O2 level goes and it helps me to relax AND have energy. Sometimes I will have what I call "breathing attacks" that are very similar to hyperventilating. I really struggle to breath at times, especially if I am exerting myself or stressed out. But I'll stop and take a big deep breath in and repeat this several times. It usually slows down my breathing so I can take a deep enough breath to get more oxygen in me. 

Anyways, this Wim Hof method seems very helpful. Glad you mentioned it! 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

sit and inhale deeply thru my nose and then exhale deeply thru my mouth.

I've been doing this already, also prayer/meditation, to help with my BP and to relax/calm myself.  My friend George from my diabetic group suggested this.  I didn't know it had a name for it.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I didn't know it had a name for it.

KayC:  Another "name" for it could be "ME" aka KayC. I think relaxing and/or meditating falls under self-care. We gotta be kind to ourselves to be at our best.  

[tnd]

I could go off on a long rant right now but I'm too tired. The house has been without internet service because Fran has it set up on a limited plan. There are 6 adults and many days/nites of the week, 5 children here. Even some of the children have their own phones/tablets. Obviously, all this usage has overloaded the plan so we get nothing, no service. I was barely able to pay my bills today. But it's not just this that I could rant about. There is some serious and maddening crappola going on here and I am just not sure how to handle it. I keep telling myself "this is only temporary" until I get my own place. I just hope I can last that long. This is like a bad, creepy, dark movie. Not exactly the kind of environment I need to be in. I am depressed enough without my husband and then to be dealing with all the characters in this house and their odd and insane situations depresses me even more. I want to enjoy life again, I really do. But can I? Will I? Won't know until I try and I really can't try until I'm out of this place. Oh please PLEASE let there be an apartment available for me soon! 

[John9]

40 minutes ago, tnd said:

Oh please PLEASE let there be an apartment available for me soon! 

tnd,

It is still my hope as well. One would hope that there are some openings available that work for you. I understand that you need the peace of mind and the peace to be able to unwind and relax. I know that we all hope this happens for you soon.

[tnd]

A bit of a rant...   The environment here in this house is toxic. Volatile, negative, hateful, a little dangerous and unnerving to say the least. Although I understand where some of it stems from it doesn't help. But I've got to stay put until there is an opening at an apartment. This is hard to do!  

The old me probably would've exploded by now and joined in on the screaming matches. I'm not saying I am being abused or hurt but I darn sure am not always treated nicely. I get tired of it. There really is no peace or calm here, even when it's quiet. Just a lot of wondering who is going to strike next and who is going to be their target. I feel badly for the children. 

I can see myself babysitting in the future. Yes, I am growing attached to the children. I just want to make them happy, make them giggle and feel good. They need to play and to be loved and to know they are safe and that things will be okay. They are too young to understand adults shouting and screaming foul language. It's like they are having their innocence robbed from them. Children are only children once. There are no "do-overs" when it comes to childhoods. But I also am sad about past attachments...children that I took under my wing only to have it abruptly end because they had to move or I had to or I couldn't adopt, that sort of thing. Never really did get to finish what I set out to do for them and it still hurts. That is why I did not want to become too attached now to these children here at the house. Well, after I get my own place and they need a babysitter, I won't turn them away. 

The passing hours of the night seem to be my "thinking" time. I'm wide awake anyways so may as well be. I am hoping to have my own place sooner than later. I will probably miss my husband even more then. Sometimes I almost look to him when I want to say something and have to stop myself. I swear, it's almost as if he is here. I don't see him, I don't hear him but sometimes I feel he is right here. Can almost feel his breath on my face. Doesn't bother me except that I know he can't come back. 

Whatever tomorrow brings I am surely going to hear it. And when it quiets down, I will focus on something positive and good.  

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

Fran has it set up on a limited plan.

I have limited data where I live too, but it allows free usage between midnight and 5 am I believe, I'm never up at midnight but get up sometimes at 3 or 4 am, so you might see if you can access it if you're ever awake in those wee hours.I

13 hours ago, tnd said:

I can see myself babysitting in the future

Consider your age/disability and volunteer this only for what you can handle realistically, rather than babysitting while parents are at work, maybe a couple hours a week to give them some time to themselves, let someone else handle the full time care of them, we aren't young anymore!

tnd, you have such an amazing attitude, you continue to impress me.  I know you're in survival mode but it's more than that, you are amazingly positive, I just love you!  And I continue to pray something opens up for you soon.  Strength for today...

[tnd]

On 3/1/2022 at 11:40 AM, KayC said:

I know you're in survival mode but it's more than that, you are amazingly positive,

Thanks, KayC.   Some who knew me would say I am impatient and certainly not positive. I think if they knew or lived what I have, they'd see that I am perhaps one of the most patient people in the world. The past year has more or less forced me to think positively about things. I am slowly learning to just let go of my anger and fear. Not easy to do when you know it's still there. But anymore, I look at things like "Whatever is going to happen is going to happen" or "Whatever, it happened and I can't change it". 

Whenever people would tell my mother her ideas would never work, she'd say "What's going to happen? Are they going to turn me into a pumpkin at midnite??" 

Or I think of what a therapist once told me to ask myself; "What is the worst that could happen if I don't do XYZ or something doesn't turn out right? "  

Sometimes in the middle of the night is when I have anxiety attacks. Gnaws at my bones, affects my breathing and makes my heart go "rat-ta-tat-tat". If it weren't addictive, I think everyone who is grieving and suffering should be given some Xanax. 

[John9]

6 minutes ago, tnd said:

If it weren't addictive, I think everyone who is grieving and suffering should be given some Xanax. 

tnd,

I think the better solution is to change the way people react to grieving people, quit ignoring them and actually talk and listen to them (us). A few months before my loving wife died she was trying to use the mantra "what will be will be" . I know as you have said I can't change the past, and I am trying not to worry about the future because what I am going through right now may make all of that a moot point. My loving wife and I didn't have plans for the future but as she would say "we are just talking" about things. I was never the most patient person even though I did try for my loving wife, but I am so overwhelmed with everything right now I have none at all. I get so frustrated and when nobody listens when I explain things or reads when I write something, it pisses me off. Right now I am trying to get rid of MIL's house and it needs so much work the cost is too much so I am trying to sell it as-is and the Attorney's office isn't listening when I tell them it isn't worth what the city/state says it is in the condition it is in. I have an offer but they just seem to understand that something is only worth what someone is willing to pay. Sorry just venting again, it is too much and everyday it is something else. It just hit me today that this Sunday is my loving wife's cats Birthday and they will be 2 years old and my loving wife never got to enjoy them. Then the next Sunday is the 1 year Anniversary of my loving wife's death. There are so many thoughts in my head it is terribly crowded in there, maybe it will just explode from everything.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, tnd said:

"What is the worst that could happen if I don't do XYZ or something doesn't turn out right? " 

From someone who is an expert on anxiety, I don't care for that as a solution because that thought can take my anxiety to a whole other level!  Instead I stay in today, tell myself, I can do today.  Even alone, even at my age, no matter what storm comes along, I can do today.  It's gotten me through nearly 17 years now.

 

12 hours ago, John9 said:

"what will be will be"

My sweet MIL used to say that.  Her husband was Italian and used to yell and move his arms a lot, and she'd nonchalantly shrug her shoulders and calmly say, "He can't yell forever."  I loved how she handled him.  It still makes me smile.  And I loved him too, just as much, they were wonderful in-laws (my kids' dad, George's family was a whole other story...).

 

[tnd]

On 3/2/2022 at 5:41 PM, John9 said:

Sorry just venting again, it is too much and everyday it is something else. It just hit me today that this Sunday is my loving wife's cats Birthday and they will be 2 years old and my loving wife never got to enjoy them. Then the next Sunday is the 1 year Anniversary of my loving wife's death. There are so many thoughts in my head it is terribly crowded in there, maybe it will just explode from everything.

John9:   Sorry for the late response, was another FUBAR kind of day here. I've been thinking of the 1-year anniversary of your wife's death coming up and how you will be. Not sure what to say other than I know it will be a tough day. I know when my husband's anniversary comes up it's going to be a bad day. All we can really do is remember them and hope they hear us when we tell them how much we love and miss them. Guess we will just have to believe that someday we will rejoin our loved ones. I felt so empty today, almost worse than the feeling you get from being alone too long. It's like an entire half of my very being is gone. Leaves an actual feeling of emptiness. And I don't know what to fill it with or if I should. I think I will always feel an emptiness where a life I had used to be. Sure, the other part of us can maybe go on but that emptiness I think will always be there. Kind of like a deep scar or old wound that is sensitive. And on anniversaries of deaths, I suppose we can acknowledge the date, but I don't want to remember what happened on the day. I'd like that memory to go away. I can't speak for others, but I suppose others feel that way, too. If you can, hopefully you will be able to just quietly grieve in peace that day and not let anything else into your head that day. Like you said, it is terribly crowded in there. Take a little time that day for yourself. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

quietly grieve in peace that day and not let anything else into your head that day

Yes

[John9]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

was another FUBAR kind of day here.

tnd,

I am sorry you are having the issues you are having, thank you for the suggestions and yes I have found out that there have been some really terrible days like Birthdays and such. I can't really say that I have any good days, just some less terrible than others. FUBAR is pretty much my existence now ever since my loving wife died. It seems like nothing goes the way it should or at least the way I believe it should. Every little simple thing becomes a complicated process or a total mess. It seems there is nothing but endless paperwork and even then it isn't filled out correctly or something is missing or they didn't receive it. None of that helps my broken brain and my broken heart and it doesn't make any sense either. As I have said before there has to be a better simpler way to handle this by now. But as I have also said, unless the "important" people ever have to deal with these issues they will never be addressed and fixed or corrected. I know it is really the same issues as everything else and comes down to money and staffing which are directly connected. Also some people don't see a problem so a solution isn't needed. The system works as far as they are concerned, "nobody complained"

[tnd]

13 hours ago, John9 said:

Every little simple thing becomes a complicated process or a total mess.

John9:  And it doesn't just apply to the paperwork you are having to deal with. This is how I feel nearly every day now, like everything is a chore. I have to stop and think about things just to make sure I'm not messing anything up. What you are doing (estate work) is complicated enough but to have to do it while experiencing the trauma of grief, I can't imagine. I doubt I could handle it. You're a saint for taking care of all these people and their affairs.   

You'll be thought of tomorrow on the 1st anniversary of your wife's passing. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.   

 

[KayC]

Had to look it up...The meaning of FUBAR is thoroughly confused, disordered, damaged or ruined.
Thin king of you John as you make your way through this:
Anniversary of a Loved One's Death
Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of death tips
Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief
To me, this is one of the hardest days as often our minds go back to "the day" and it's hard not to relive the horror of that day/night.  I'm hoping you can remember the good moments in your life together and remember that they are at peace and w/o pain now, and you'll be together again.

I like to think of it as making it a whole year!  We did the unthinkable, we somehow lived through that and deserve a badge or trophy for doing so.  

[John9]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I like to think of it as making it a whole year!  We did the unthinkable, we somehow lived through that and deserve a badge or trophy for doing so.  

KayC,

I haven't quite made it a whole year yet. It will be 52 weeks on Saturday and 1 year on Sunday, because technically 52 weeks is not a year it is only 364 days. My loving wife died on a Saturday and for me that will always be the Anniversary of her death not only the date. The comment about "the day" is true but in this case the day is actually the week leading up to my loving wife's death (this week) because of how things transpired and started to unravel so quickly. I have been reliving the events of last week also because as I said my loving wife started feeling poorly and was not receiving the support she needed from the Medical professionals. I am not trying to make matters worse for myself, but I am dreading the next few days and nights leading up to the next weekend. I continue to lean of all of you for the support you have given me and I thank you all again.

[GoldenRose]

I am already dreading the one year mark, although I have 11 months to go. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety, stress and fear! My thoughts are with you @John9 as you make it through this week. We may not have much purpose without our spouses, but we are still here and that means we do matter! Try to be compassionate with yourself these days, and maybe even get yourself something nice. Just sticking around this forum is an accomplishment, and you give hope to those that just started this journey that we too can hang on in there. Best wishes and a virtual hug!

[John9]

GoldenRose,

Thank you for your comments. I am sorry for your loss and that you have to join us on this journey of grief. I have said if not for the support on these forums I don't know if I would still be here at all. There are just so many triggers that cause an emotional roller coaster for me. I still cry every day and night and it just hurts so much to be all alone.

[KayC]

John, I understand, I always get a double whammy as he died on June 19 which was Father's Day so his anv of death is June 19 but also on Father's Day which is a different day each year.  Now they've made a holiday out of June 19 it's broadcast all over tv, the newspaper, etc. so no hope of it sliding by.  It bothers me they're trying to affix another meaning to the day, which although he would support the meaning behind it, being native american he gets what others have gone through too, but to me the day will always represent the day my sweet George died.  It's never easy to get through that time.  To make matters worse, his bdy is the 14th, my dad's bdy and anv. the 10th.  I'd like to skip that 1-2 weeks...

 

[foreverhis]

On 3/6/2022 at 1:03 PM, John9 said:

I am not trying to make matters worse for myself, but I am dreading the next few days and nights leading up to the next weekend.

The lead ups to the anniversary of "the day" and special days have ended up being worse than the days themselves.  Maybe I'm just so exhausted with stress and worry that I haven't got much left or maybe my heart tries to protect itself.  I don't know.  Those days aren't "good," but each year they become more manageable and some, like anniversaries, now bring some smiles as well as tears, as the decades of good mix in with that one final year of pain and devastation.

[tnd]

It's been an incredibly hard week here. Not sure why, just the same old BS going on except that I've cried harder and haven't done that in a while. Tired out. And it's hard to describe but I am having what I will call "spastic attacks" in my sleep. Sometimes when I'm awake, my arms or hands will be spastic and shake or jolt about. I've gotten use to it except lately it's been happening when I sleep and involves my whole body. It's a little painful. Guess I'll have to tell the doctor. Wish there wasn't a waiting list for an apartment. I really need to get out of this negative environment. I feel trapped. Keep telling myself and my cats that this is only temporary. My cats are so stressed, I worry about how any of this has affected their health. I don't think I'd make it out of here without them. They are all I have left of my family. I want to look over at the picture of my husband but when I am crying I don't, Too afraid it would only make me cry more and I just am wore out from crying right now. Let's hope the weekend is better. I'm sure I just needed to get out the crying and frustration and now I can focus again on positive thoughts. Or hope so. 

 

 

[KayC]

I was wondering about you yesterday and here you are, I'm so sorry, I wish you were out of there and in a better space with your cats by your side. 

[John9]

On 3/11/2022 at 9:21 AM, tnd said:

Sometimes when I'm awake, my arms or hands will be spastic and shake or jolt about. I've gotten use to it except lately it's been happening when I sleep and involves my whole body. It's a little painful.

tnd,

I hope it isn't serious, I have had restless leg syndrome for awhile and it used to bother my loving wife when we were in bed. Now I have noticed that what I have has a cycle to it and it comes more frequently when I have had a really bad day as opposed to a bad day. Once again it is probably our best friend STRESS and all of his/her buddies. I so would like to be able to read soon that you have finally been able to move into your own Apartment.

[KayC]

Every day you're missing concerns me...I wish so much you were in a safe place.  Although "home" has it's reminders and triggers, I am seeing now how fortunate I was to be able to stay here when he died.  I worried I wouldn't be able to as I lost my job and had no $ and the incoming medical bills were tremendous.

[John9]

On 3/15/2022 at 9:57 AM, KayC said:

Every day you're missing concerns me...I wish so much you were in a safe place. 

KayC,

I totally agree and it is just another one of the stresses that tnd doesn't need to deal with. Nobody needs added stress but she really doesn't with all of the medical issues as well as the ongoing grief. All I can say is again I hope she is able to get her own place soon so she can have some sort of peace.

[Jemiga70]

@tnd  Im going to keep praying that you find your own apartment SOON.

[tnd]

Thank you everyone for the support and well wishes. Seems like this was an incredibly long week. I'm fine (I think) but I am worn out and so sometimes I just have to stop everything and do absolutely nothing. I really don't know how any of us are to handle our grief and I certainly don't know about depression. Anymore tho, I just do what I feel I must do and if that means I do nothing, then I do nothing. I let all of my thoughts and sadness and frustrations and worries come out of my head. If all I can do is sit and think of my next plan of action then that's what I do. And so it was a long week of trying to figure stuff out in my head. As for the "spastic attacks", I believe it is either the stress talking or the Sarcoidosis. Dummy me, I forgot there is such a thing as Neuro-Sarcoidosis. It is very similar to MS. I don't even want to think about that. At  least not at this moment in time. 

 On a positive note, I am hoping to put my name on the waiting list tomorrow at the apartment I've been eyeing. They had closed the waiting list off but apparently it's now open. I just think the sooner I can have my own place, the better. Meanwhile, I will be paying rent now on my room here at the house. I will pay $600 a month for it. Of course, no one in their right mind would pay that but I will. I've got no choice because I've got nowhere else I can go. Besides, it is only going to be temporary until I move out. And while I may not be understood, I think paying rent (no matter where) will offer me a "sense of normalcy", which I have sorely needed. It already gives me the feeling that I am in control of my life again. Or at least a small part of it.  Whenever I can pay bills is a good day. That's how I look at it. And honestly, I have to be positive or I will drown in all this depression and frustration. So I am going to keep plugging away while reminding myself that my current situation is only temporary. You never know, tomorrow might be a good  day! 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

So glad to hear from you.  I am excited about your getting on the waiting list tomorrow!!!!   I really hope that happens. 

Even though you may have many names ahead of you, you may rise to the top quickly.  People on the list move out of town for a job, or they move in with a boyfriend/girlfriend, etc., circumstances change.  So getting on the list is a really big step forward!  Good luck!!!

Gail

[John9]

25 minutes ago, tnd said:

So I am going to keep plugging away while reminding myself that my current situation is only temporary. You never know, tomorrow might be a good  day! 

tnd,

I am glad that you are going to at least be able to add your name to the list for the Apartment. I admire your attitude, it would help me if I had the mindset too but sadly things just aren't leading me to feel that way. I don't like being sad and frustrated and depressed but it just seems that is where I am right now. I am still not really making any headway in moving   forward in any aspect of my existence right now. My grieving is still the same if not worse and the legal stuff is seemingly not moving at all. You know 1 step forward 2 steps back still. I will still keep hoping for that post that you are moving into your our place where you and your cats can relax and have some peace and hopefully some quiet too.

[KayC]

$600/month is way more than they should be getting, they should be appreciative.  How I wish this nightmare were over for you so you could get on to "normal grief," if there is such a thing.  We care!  Sending you positive thoughts and prayers your way!

[tnd]

 Well, I got up Friday morning, got dressed and....waited. And waited. Fran slept all day. Never got to go put my name on the waiting list at the apartment and they are closed on weekends. Use to be that apartments were open on weekends but not anymore. Thanks, Covid. I pretty much have been sulking all weekend but also, the house has been without the internet. Again. Couldn't even check on the war in Ukraine. I feel for those people. What's happening is pure evil.  

Finally saw Fran late yesterday. Told her I had waited for her on Friday because that's when she had told me she would take me over to apartment office. She just casually nodded her head "no" and that it was because she had a migraine. Again. She tends to have a lot of migraines on Fridays... Anyways, she didn't even tell me she was sorry. She could have had her husband tell me or she could have gotten up to tell me about her migraine herself but nope. Seems to be okay with her conscience that I was left waiting all day without the benefit of being informed about a headache. But, this is what happens when you are desperate and at the mercy of other people, especially when they know you are. I'm sure Fran didn't intend to but I feel like I am treated like an afterthought or that I don't matter. Even when I pay them. This is perhaps the biggest reason for me wanting my own place. 

Meanwhile, I'm expecting there is going to be a big blow up here.....Fran kicked out one of her sons yesterday while he was out because she found his drugs. Pot and meth and something else that you use a razor blade with but can't remember. She packed up his things and set them outside and I guess left him a message on his phone. I don't know if he's been by yet to pick up his stuff but I am bracing for a big fight to ensue. In this case, tho, Fran did the right thing. She has to think about the grandkids.  

Took my methotrexate last night so not feeling too good. I will try to post/reply later but if not, I apologize. 

[John9]

tnd,

Thanks for the update, sorry it wasn't good news. Sadly people aren't always aware of other's feelings or needs, or just don't really care. I hope I was never that way and hope to never be that way, that is just another thing I miss about my loving wife she would make sure I wasn't that way. She was my grounding rod for lack of a better way of saying it, she kept me on the right path also. Still hoping for that good news when it comes

[Sparky1]

I've never understood how callous and selfish some people are. If I promise someone that I will do something or be there at a certain time, I'll be there way earlier. I've always been like this, and when someone promises something and doesn't deliver, it really bugs me to no end. Fran could've got out of bed, taken some Tylenol and an hour later would have been good to go. I really feel for you tnd, I hope this gets resolved soon and you get your own place.

[foreverhis]

35 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

Fran could've got out of bed, taken some Tylenol and an hour later would have been good to go.

I absolutely agree with you overall, but that's not how migraines work for most people.  Of course, I have no idea if Fran actually had a migraine.  tnd said they seem to come regularly on Fridays, so I'm suspicious.  But if she did in fact have a migraine, then I don't understand why she doesn't take one of the many medications for them.  I had them in my teens and as a young adult, but haven't for years (knock on wood; fumes are my primary trigger and chemicals have come a long way).  John got them in his 60s with no known trigger.  He took sumatriptan, one dose and then a second 2 hours later if needed.  They'd knock his debilitating symptoms down from 18 hours to 4-6 hours.  But he still had to be in the dark and quiet for at least those 4 hours.  Conceivably, Fran could have taken medication at first symptoms (usually an aura and/or nausea), stayed down in the dark and quiet for a few hours, spent another hour making sure her symptoms were gone, and still taken tnd to the apartment complex in the afternoon.

Bottom line is that tnd is at the mercy of a dysfunctional, selfish, uncaring family.  And it hurts my heart to know that she is "stuck" there for now.

[Canadagirl81]

On 2/20/2022 at 8:28 AM, KayC said:

I've never heard of it, may have to look into it...

@KayC It's amazing.....Wim Hof breathing technique is SUPER helpful and empowering. I used to do it all the time. I need to get back into it. 

[Gail 8588]

@tnd thanks for the update.  We are all pulling for you to get your own place. No need to apologize if you can't post here.  We are just glad to hear from you when you are able to.   You have too much stress in your life already, please don't stress out about not being able  post here.  We will wait. 

Hugs

Gail

[John9]

11 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I've never understood how callous and selfish some people are.

tnd,

Sadly this is how some are. I am starting to think that Fran is intentionally trying to keep tnd with her for personal/financial reasons. If tnd moves then whatever money she is contributing will end and money being money and people who want or need it will do whatever they can to get it or keep it. I hope I am wrong and would gladly say I was if and when tnd gets out into her own Apartment. She really need to remove that portion of the stress she is going through, trust me as we all know stress can and will harm your health and when you already have other medical issues it isn't good.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

She has to think about the grandkids.  

Absolutely and it's child endangerment!  I shudder to think if one of the kids had found his drugs!  Even one of the pets.  But then drug users aren't known to be responsible.  His choice  is causing him to be out on the streets.

Tylenol does nothing for migraines, if she does indeed have one.  Every Friday sounds suspicious. 

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I am starting to think that Fran is intentionally trying to keep tnd with her for personal/financial reasons

Personally, I'd contact a church for help picking me up and taking me...this family can't be counted on and it seems you've been held hostage long enough.  Our church would definitely help someone in this situation!

[tnd]

On 3/21/2022 at 7:10 AM, John9 said:

I am starting to think that Fran is intentionally trying to keep tnd with her for personal/financial reasons.

John9:  I've thought the same thing. She is always complaining that she doesn't have money but then I see her come home with purchases. And she regularly gets deliveries. Some of her online makeup is more than some of the food I eat. All I know is that once I do move out, I am not committing to any sort of babysitting on a regular basis. I need to stick to my plan to do what I want to do and not be suckered into doing things all because they might pull on my heartstrings. I don't know how much time I have left on this earth and for once I want to do what I want to do and whatever comes to mind when I wake up in the mornings. I love the children and understand that they need help or someone like me in their lives but then realized that this is how I end up veering off my plan and I've already done that -for a lot of years. It's "my time" now. And I don't care if that sounds selfish. I've given and given of myself and now I need to give TO myself. 

[tnd]

On 3/21/2022 at 8:45 AM, KayC said:

Tylenol does nothing for migraines, if she does indeed have one.  Every Friday sounds suspicious. 

KayC:  It always seems to be on a Friday or a Monday. But even so, she could have told me, my room is right down the hall from hers. Or she could have had her husband tell me. And yes, she apparently does see a doctor for the migraines but can't take the meds because it raises her BP.  ??  Anyways, regardless of why she couldn't or didn't want to go, she could have told me instead of making me wait and wonder all friggin day. 

[tnd]

Sad again today but no tears. I'm sad because of the situation I am in. The stress and frustration just doesn't seem to end. So...Fran couldn't take me to the apartment office on Friday because she had a migraine. Right the next day tho, she started spring cleaning the house. And she's still at it today. Yes, that was quite the recovery! 

The internet has been down in the house since yesterday. I asked Fran about it. She said her husband had tried resetting the modem all day and is tired of it. I asked again today, reminding her I need the internet to pay bills and order medicine. Told her I might need to contact the internet provider myself and get my own internet here in the house. I don't think that can be done, they'd probably tell me it would have to be an extra line added on to Fran's plan. But then I'd be back to square one...if the modem needs resetting well, no internet until it is. And the modem is in Fran's bedroom. I do not ever go in there. Anyways, when I brought it up again today she quickly went into her bedroom and reset the modem. Kind of ticked me off because she already knew i had been waiting. 

Then I brought up the waiting list at the apartment office again. This time she said she will take me at 10am tomorrow. She is taking time off from work this week so she will be available to take me. Sure hope so. I'm wondering if she got fired from her job... But she did say she will take me in the morning. I pray!! I really need to get out of here. 

Hopefully I will make new friends at the apartment but I will also check in with that volunteer ride service the city offers. I was going to do that but Fran insisted that I let her drive me to appointments or wherever I need because she didn't want me to be alone in case something happened. Well, I've got to know I can depend on a ride, whether it be from her or a volunteer program so I am going to look into this. 

Next, I want to see my doctor alone. I don't currently have an appointment but I will be scheduling one with the Rheumatologist. And I want to go into the exam room by myself. When I saw my lung doctor in January, Fran went into the room with. She went in before I could stop her and I didn't want to cause a scene. She started asking my doctor questions, which I think kind of irked him. When he spoke, he scooted his stool closer to me and talked while looking directly into my eyes -never looking over at her. She wants me to sign a medical POA. My doctor quickly chimed in and looked straight at me (he must've felt how uneasy I was) and said that if I wanted to, I could have a lawyer draw me up a "Limited Medical" POA. If I didn't know better, my doctor seemed to sense how uncomfortable I was with Fran there. That is not going to happen again, I'm going to tell her that I don't need to feel like "my mother has to come into the room with me". 

Okay, sorry for the vent but if I don't let it out i may just scream. I can't even look over at my husband's picture without feeling so sad and angry.  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

Just my opinion, but i recommend you do not ever give Fran any POA, limited or not.  

Gail

[John9]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

She wants me to sign a medical POA. My doctor quickly chimed in and looked straight at me (he must've felt how uneasy I was) and said that if I wanted to, I could have a lawyer draw me up a "Limited Medical" POA. If I didn't know better, my doctor seemed to sense how uncomfortable I was with Fran there. That is not going to happen again, I'm going to tell her that I don't need to feel like "my mother has to come into the room with me". 

tnd,

I can only speak from my personal experience with my friend, when he had his strokes and nobody could speak for him it was hell for me. I never wanted any of the responsibility but it a necessary evil after it all happened. I would hope that whatever else Fran may or may not be up to, she is only wanting to help IF the need arises. I will say that without anyone to speak for you at the very least you should have something on file with the Doctors or Insurance stating your wishes, like a DNR or whatever your wishes are. I had the Lawyer draw all of that up for me since my loving wife died because it falls to our son now. I also filed a copy with the Hospital system in my records in case nobody is available to speak for me. I can't cover all bases but I am trying to make it easy for everyone. You do have the right to not allow anyone in the examination room unless you want them.

[Gail 8588]

I do recommend everyone fill out advanced directives, as to what type of treastment you want to receive. But that is different than giving another person the power to make decisions for you. 

In my opinion,  you have to really know and really trust someone to sign over a Power of Attorney to them to allow them to make decisions for you.  

In my opinion, you do not have that sort of relationship with Fran.  It takes many years, maybe decades, to build that sort of trust, imho. I am pretty shocked that she would suggest you give her a POA.  You have only known her 6 months.   I wouldn't recommend it at all.

Gail 

[foreverhis]

52 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I do recommend everyone fill out advanced directives, as to what type of treastment you want to receive. But that is different than giving another person the power to make decisions for you. 

In my opinion,  you have to really know and really trust someone to sign over a Power of Attorney to them to allow them to make decisions for you.  

In my opinion, you do not have that sort of relationship with Fran.  It takes many years, maybe decades, to build that sort of trust, imho. I am pretty shocked that she would suggest you give her a POA.  You have only known her 6 months.   I wouldn't recommend it at all.

Gail 

Right on Gail!  I'm leery of Fran's motives about everything at this point.  I don't trust her or her family at all.

@tnd  Please do not give Fran any sort of PoA, medical or otherwise, over you.  Nothing!  As far as I can tell, she's already taking advantage and gaslighting you with things like rides, internet, and money.  I think the "rent" they are charging you is outrageous, but I understand why you will pay it so as not to "rock the boat" while you work to get out of there.  We worry about you, even though we know you are a perfectly competent adult woman, because you are stuck in a hard situation and haven't even been able to properly grieve.  I know I'm on the outside looking in, so to speak, and you are the one living day-to-day with them.  Just know that we are thinking of and praying for you often.

I'm so relieved to hear that you are going to focus on you when you have your own place.  I feel bad for those children, but you're right that you cannot make them your responsibility.  You deserve to live the rest of your life taking care of you (and your cats, of course).

Gail is 100% correct that it takes years/decades to build the kind of trust a PoA requires.  My SIL (John's sister) is mine now.  I've known her for nearly 40 years and trust her implicitly.  My sister-by-birth is alternate and my sister-by-choice of 33 years is "third in line."  These are women I trust with every fiber of my being and so did John.

Though you should have a medical PoA, I'm not sure who that would be for you.  Perhaps a legal service could guide you.  There are often free or discounted consultations of 30-60 minutes.  And some lawyers do donate their time for those in need, likely also just an initial meeting and advice, but that can be enormously helpful.  John and I did that after my mom died.  Everything except personal possessions had beneficiaries, TODs, or John and me on the account (her modest mobile home for example; she redeeded it with us added at JTRS so it passed directly to us).  Her estate was quite modest overall, but we figured better to be safe than sorry.  We paid $50 for a 1 hour consultation with a lawyer on a Saturday when he ran "clinic" hours.  It put our minds at ease.  Maybe you could do a web search to see if there is anything like that in your area.

Whatever you decide, I think it's pretty clear that none of your friends here think you should trust Fran or her family. 

[Jemiga70]

Oh @tnd  I keep praying for you, setting an intention that an apartment open up for you because I feel so bad that, number one, you havent been able to grieve properly, but also that you seem to be living in a warped twilight zone with people who are malfunctioning. I pray every day for you and your cats and I keep asking that an apartment open up for you NOW!

Is there not some other charity, organization, church, synagogue, temple, mosque, ashram, Lion's Club, Rotary, Freemason, private benefactor -- someone -- in your city that could help?  I know a friend of mine, in his city, a certain Sikh temple came to the rescue of people affected by floods.  Please try reaching out again. There has got to be someone or some organization.  I've started asking people to help me because i finally admitted to myself that i can't do it all by myself.

You gotta put yourself #1.  If that means no babysitting, so be it.  You're #1 now.  The incompetancies / callousness / carelessness of most people truly rattles me.  Humans went off the rails somewhere along the line.  Prayers for you,

[tnd]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

I can only speak from my personal experience with my friend, when he had his strokes and nobody could speak for him it was hell for me.

John9:   Fran wants to be able to speak with my doctors to get updates on my condition if I am ever unable to talk. She also knows that I never want to be in a coma for more than a few weeks. I guess a Limited Medical POA would cover that and any HIPAA laws. I think I'll be okay with doing that. Apparently she has a friend or cousin who is a lawyer that can handle the paperwork. We'll see. She asked if I'd want her to contact my brother and I said "heck no", he doesn't deserve the privilege of knowing whether I'm dead or alive. 

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Just my opinion, but i recommend you do not ever give Fran any POA, limited or not.  

Gail 8588:  I think I would be okay with giving her Limited POA. This would allow her to speak with my doctors in case I can't.