Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life

[tnd]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

Though you should have a medical PoA, I'm not sure who that would be for you.

foreverhis:  I may look into a "Limited" Medical POA. Fran is concerned about HIPAA laws not allowing her to ask about my condition if I'm ever in the hospital and can't talk. She brought this up when she took me to my appointment with my lung doctor. And it was him that brought up a "Limited" POA. I was kind of uncomfortable with her going into the exam room with me that day and I think my doctor sensed it. The whole time we were there and whenever he talked, he would lean in towards me and make direct eye contact, never or hardly with her. It was as if he's seen this movie before and wanted to respect me (his patient). I was so embarrassed. I'll have to explain it to him at my next appointment, alone. 

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Jemiga70 said:

Is there not some other charity, organization, church, synagogue, temple, mosque, ashram, Lion's Club, Rotary, Freemason, private benefactor -- someone -- in your city that could help?  I know a friend of mine, in his city, a certain Sikh temple came to the rescue of people affected by floods. 

Jemiga70:  Thank you for your support and for the suggestions. There are Sikh temples here and they do help a lot of people. Before I landed here I had emailed about a dozen churches (which is what a police officer suggested). None of them responded but it could be because of Covid. Fran said her church has broken up. They don't do services like they did, they use Zoom. And no one is actually at the church anymore to answer phones/emails. Seems she was right about that. 

[Gail 8588]

 

@tnd If you give Fran a POA she can revoke any advanced directives you have made, just like you could revoke them in the future if you changed your mind.  A medical POA allows her to make medical decisions with the same legal right you would have to make those decisions.  That is why it is imperative that you really trust this person. 

If you are unable to communicate, Fran would be able to do whatever she perceived was in her best interest, which may be to keep you in a state of being that you would not choose, but that would have your SS benefits going to her.  The fact that Fran is urging you to give her a POA makes me suspicious. The fact that she has treated you with disregard (not taking you to the pharmacy when you needed medications, not providing you with adequate food resulting in your losing a lot of weight, her not taking you to sign up for your apartment, etc.) also makes me question whether she would act on your behalf as your POA.

It may be that Fran would not do this, but I don't think you know her well enough to bet your life on it. 

You can accomplish much of what you want for your medical care by writing detailed advanced directives.  For issues that fall outside those advanced directives. medical personnel will do all they can to give you a chance for recovery.  I think that is totally reasonable given your relatively young age.  If your condition becomes hopeless your advanced directives will be followed. 

Personally,  I think you are better off without a POA than to have someone who you are unsure of have complete control over your life when you can't speak for yourself.

Just my opinion.  You will make your own decision.  I don't mean to put more stress on you.  It is your life, and you know your circumstances much better than I do. 

I just wish the best for you. 

Gail 

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

. . . Fran is concerned about HIPAA laws not allowing her to ask about my condition if I'm ever in the hospital and can't talk. She brought this up when she took me to my appointment with my lung doctor.

Tnd, 

You should be able to authorize your doctors to discuss your medical issues with Fran without you giving her the ability to make decisions on your behalf.  Doctors often have a simple release that allows them to discuss your medical information with a third party, for example another doctor, an insurance company, or a friend. But those 3rd parties can't make decisions on your behalf the way a POA can. 

My friend signed such a release to allow the doctor and hospital to talk to me when she had knee replacement surgery and I was her care giver.  So I knew what medications and therapies she needed, but I did not have any authority to make decisions for her. 

A  POA is a much more powerful legal document giving your decision making authority to another person. 

I would ask about a HIPAA release form, or a consent to disclose your medical condition to a 3rd party, rather than asking about a POA. 

Gail

[KayC]

I know you guys and loss of pets sections, so that's where I choose to post...

Today is four years since my sister Donna died.  She was quadriplegic with butchered vocal chords due to the accident that took her three year old's life 9/17/67...the doctors refused to hospitalize her for her pneumonia, considering her of no value...I fought for her and she died.    

Donna, if you were alive today, we'd be gathering from all over the state to take you to lunch and shopping, as we always did, every month, trying to give you something to hope for, we love you still...

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

but then realized that this is how I end up veering off my plan and I've already done that -for a lot of years. It's "my time" now.

More and more this is how I'm feeling too, so many demands on me and I feel myself pulling back and protecting myself more and more, I need to!  They will destroy me otherwise. I've shared this with my sister, how I feel everyone wants something from me but they aren't there for me when I need it!  She said she feels bad she can't help me.  She never did when she could have!  She always did what she wanted to do, no more, no thought of others.  She's not a bad person, not at all, I love her, but she has lived her life selfishly, choosing to sit in her easy chair and read books rather than cooking a meal for an invalid neighbor.  Now she can't do things, kind of ironic she wishes it now...but it's also neighbors, church, etc.  When I had surgery the church was supposed to supply meals for a week, I couldn't bend down, reach up, nothing.  I'd prepared meals ahead of time in the freezer but upon discharge the doctors changed their list from what they'd supplied me with before so that I couldn't eat them.  I had no husband to cook for me or run across town for me.  The neighbor who said he'd check on me and build my fires did not.  It snowed, the wood stove was my only source of heat.  I managed.  But that night I remember going to bed hungry because the person in charge of meals would not come through.

Now they want me to cook for people who CAN do it for themselves but "don't feel like it?!  NO!!  Sometimes I don't "feel like it" but have to do it.  Save it for those who truly need it!

 

 

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Personally,  I think you are better off without a POA than to have someone who you are unsure of have complete control over your life when you can't speak for yourself.

I totally agree.  I would trust the doctors over someone who has proven themselves to not have your best interest at heart...JMO.

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Tnd, 

Just my opinion, but i recommend you do not ever give Fran any POA, limited or not.  

Gail

I second this.

And I know you tried churches, but I hope you will try again, keep trying until you find one that responds, I know my church would help you if you were here, my pastor is very caring.  

[John9]

Hello all,

I have to add this and I may have stated it before, my friend who I was caregiver for had a serious bacterial sinus infection that almost killed him 20 plus years ago and I tried to give the Hospital information not receive information and they wouldn't listen to me because of rules/laws. He was lucky at that time because his Parents were still alive and could talk to the Hospital so the information could be relayed from me. I tried and tried for many years after that to get him to address the legal aspects of his medical risks and even after suffering 2 strokes it was like pulling teeth. He finally was told by his Doctor that he was putting himself at greater risk because of what had already happened and the fact that there was no legal person to speak for him because his Parents were now gone. As I have said I really never wanted any of the responsibility for anyone but my loving wife and our son but it fell to me because he knew I really cared about him. I am paying for it as the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished because his legal issues are very slowly and with much added stress killing me. These are some of the many thoughts that go through my head when I am unable to sleep, the what ifs and the did I do enough's for anyone and everyone especially my loving wife. This is one reason that if you are seeing a Doctor that understands your Medical issues that they know your basic wishes at the very least. I know the Doctors are overworked and it all falls to us to address things with them but a lot of potential problems would be prevented if it was a standard policy at the offices and Hospitals.

[KayC]

I guess I'm not sure what the point is you are making here?

[tnd]

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

If you give Fran a POA she can revoke any advanced directives you have made, just like you could revoke them in the future if you changed your mind.  A medical POA allows her to make medical decisions with the same legal right you would have to make those decisions.  That is why it is imperative that you really trust this person. 

Gail 8588:  Thanks, Gail. After what has transpired today, I do not think I will be giving her Limited Medical POA. So if there comes a time when I can't speak for myself well, guess the hospital will just have to deal with it. 

[tnd]

Was another NO GO today and I am mad. Real mad. Her excuse this time? Fever and chills. This is the third time in recent months she has had fever and chills. I am growing sick of this crap. I waited all morning for her to come out of her room. Then her son mentioned that she was sick. So WHY in the name of Jesus couldn't she or her husband have told me or emailed me??? If she can talk to her son then she could've talked to me. I have grown tired of being treated this way. When/IF I ever get out of this pit hole of a place, the first thing I am going to do is drop to my knees and cry "Hallelujah!". 

I will be asking God for a lot of forgiveness tonite in my prayers because I have done a lot of cursing under my breath and have some very dark thoughts about people who screw with me. Thank goodness my husband hasn't been a witness to this (or at least I hope not). 

[SSC]

Why does this feel like Fran doesn’t want you to leave?  From reading about her behavior it truly makes me concerned about her true motives towards you.  Even tho she is very kind to bring you into her home, now it has an underlying feeling of control.  tnd, I think it would be a good idea for you to have another friend or source to help you as a sort of  “checks and balances”.   All of us here worry about you but have no way to help you or check up on you if Fran goes rogue and you cannot get out.  Already it’s beyond frustrating what you’ve had to endure, it’s heartbreaking.  I have half a mind to jump in my car and drive to Texas and take you to see these apartments myself! 

Road trip!!

[John9]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess I'm not sure what the point is you are making here?

KayC,

I was trying to say that his care was up in the air while in the Hospital and he was unable to speak for himself Trying to say some directions are better than leaving it to people who don't know what you want. Told you my brain is broken

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I am so sorry this continues to be so frustrating. 

Can you call around and see if any organization can help you with transportation?  How much would it cost to have an uber driver take you to the apartments to get on the waiting list?  I just don't know if Fran is ever going to actually take you there. 

The $600 you are paying in rent may be really important to her.  Also, it seems like she has you pay for some food that they eat.  Plus you are providing child care.  It is not in her interest to let you move out. 

Regarding a POA,  I don't think Fran makes as good life decisions as you do.  She doesn't show the kind of concern for your well being to be designated as your POA.  If the issue comes up again at a doctor's appointment it is totally reasonable for you to say the doctor has your permission to discuss your medical condition with Fran, but that you want to retain all of the decision making authority.  You can fill out an advanced directive that spells out what care and treatment you want if you become unable to communicate.  But it is your wishes you want followed, not any decisions by other people. 

I pray for you to get into an apartment of your own.  

Gail

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I would ask about a HIPAA release form, or a consent to disclose your medical condition to a 3rd party, rather than asking about a POA. 

That is a good idea, if that's what tnd would be comfortable with doing.  The more I hear about Fran and her family, the more I pray (me, the pray-er who rarely "directs" prayers) specifically to get her out of there and into her own place where she can find some solace and peace while grieving and making her way forward.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

After what has transpired today, I do not think I will be giving her Limited Medical POA. So if there comes a time when I can't speak for myself well, guess the hospital will just have to deal with it. 

Good.  I've been worried about this/you.  We are all pulling for you.  

 

16 hours ago, tnd said:

Thank goodness my husband hasn't been a witness to this (or at least I hope not). 

I think what would concern your son most is not how your inner reaction to her, but how they are all treating you and causing your situation to be by refusing to help you find a place.  You will need to reach out for help, you're not getting it here, you need your own place, own life, and you need outside help getting it.  Since the gov't doesn't seem to want to help, PLEASE try again with churches and do not stop until you find one willing to help you find a place!  Other than being homeless, I can't think of a worse place to be,  Our hearts are crying out for you!

 

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

You can fill out an advanced directive that spells out what care and treatment you want

I did this at my doctor's office and appointed my son as I trust his judgment.  As long as you spell out what kind of life saving you do/do not want, and are specific, you shouldn't have to have another person at this time.  I have most bills set up to pay automatically as so in my income, so they should continue until I'm dead, after that it's a moot point.  My kids can deal with it and split what there is.

 

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

The $600 you are paying in rent may be really important to her.  Also, it seems like she has you pay for some food that they eat.  Plus you are providing child care. 

This is all beneficial to HER not wanting you gone...personally I feel $600 for a room in a house so full of stress when there were times you couldn't get enough food, rides, Rxs, no way too much!

[tnd]

I've been without the internet here so am just now getting back on...

I feel like such a jerk for all the complaining, venting and whining I've done while there are people in Ukraine truly suffering. My problems are miniscule compared to theirs. But when I see people helping them and welcoming them into their homes, like in Poland for instance, it makes me feel good. Whenever I see people so willing to give of themselves and care for others, I feel a little bit stronger. It just somehow assures me that there is more "good" in this world than there is evil. 

I don't know yet when I am going to try another attempt to get over to that apartment office but I do know that I can't afford to let it upset me. I get upset and everything seems to rise to the top; the inflammation in my lungs to the point they bleed, pain and of course, anxiety. I feel lousy now. Like roadkill again. I believe this is what we call "a setback". Well, I've experienced enough of those, haven't I? So onward! Maybe on Fran's day off next week she can take me. I believe she will, although she did start to cry a little saying she needs me when we were discussing my move....

Because of all of you and the support you have always given me, along with the resolve and strength of the Ukrainians, I am going to now right a wrong. I am going to finish this weekend on a positive note instead of anything negative. However, I don't consider crying over missing my husband a negative. I have intentionally avoided looking at his picture because I start to cry. He's smiling in the picture. Think it's time for me to smile back now and if it makes me miss him more and cry, then so be it. But it will be a good cry. 

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

I feel like such a jerk for all the complaining, venting and whining I've done while there are people in Ukraine truly suffering.

One does not alleviate the other, both very valid, and believe me, you may not be in a war zone like there, but in a way it feels like it.  I remember your telling us times you didn't get enough food, and the craziness you live with.  You have every reason to air your frustrations here, and we CARE!  I notice and miss you when your gone and always figure something is going on.  What I worry about is your being isolated from the outside world and living in that insanity, like a prisoner.  I wish more than anything you'd reach outside this family for help finding a place, I don't think they're coming through.  We have a saying in our diabetic group, "Follow the $ trail!"  (BigPharma, ADA, etc.) it's true, they fund the studies that in turn play into their getting rich.  Well I think the same is true in your instance, maybe she went into this with altruistic motives but now has come to rely on your financial help...that sets a dangerous pattern for you to ever get out of.  Forgive me my worrying but I think there's something to this, others have shared the same concerns...

15 hours ago, tnd said:

Maybe on Fran's day off next week she can take me. I believe she will, although she did start to cry a little saying she needs me when we were discussing my move....

You want/need so desperately to hold onto hope but then really look at this last sentence...this substantiates my point.

[tnd]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

You want/need so desperately to hold onto hope but then really look at this last sentence...this substantiates my point.

KayC:   You may be right about this. Even worse is that my own gut is telling me I'm being played. In fact, the game continued today.... but I am being careful and won't make it so easy on them to play me for a fool. This might sound bad but once I'm out of here I can be more selective when it comes to making new friends. I will be able to have an in-depth conversation with them about my "needs" along with my requirement for honesty and communication. For instance, if I make a friend who can drive me places then they should communicate and tell me well- in advance when they can't. I don't care so much about the reason but rather, my need for communication. I'm human. I understand that things come up and plans have to be changed but TELL me! I hate being ignored, especially until the last minute. It's so rude. 

Anyways, she wants to take me to the apartment tomorrow morning and that's not good for me. I took the Methotrexate (she knows this) and it makes me feel really lousy. And if I move around too much after taking it, I start dry heaving (sorry TMI). The side affects hit me for 2 days and then I'm fine. She knows this because I have to tell her every week! She acts like she doesn't remember. Wish I could give her a dose of it and see how she feels for 2 days....

My heart really goes out to the Ukrainians. It is horrifying to see what is being done to them and their country. I may have my own problems but nothing like what those people are being put through right now. Just think of the ones who are like me that need medicine and oxygen. I cannot imagine! But seeing them rally together and taking care of each other and their soldiers and the ones who have volunteered to fight with them is jaw-dropping, Their spirit and will are inspiring and actually make me feel better. I am glad there are people in the world like them. So as much as it is a negative to watch the news it is also something positive for me right now. When I see people being so strong, so kind and generous such as the Ukrainians and YOU, it helps ME. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!   

[KayC]

OMG, how horrible!  How often do you have to take it?  

I totally agree about what is happening to the Ukrainians, it's horrific.They are a strong people but I wish things weren't necessitating it.  No one should have to suffer war.

[John9]

12 hours ago, tnd said:

Even worse is that my own gut is telling me I'm being played. In fact, the game continued today.... but I am being careful and won't make it so easy on them to play me for a fool.

tnd,

It seems that being human, we want to believe what people tell us until we find out otherwise. Sadly looking back at the last 12 years, there were times I should have not been a reliable person because I was being used. My friend who I cared for really abused my caring and helpful nature and it really did affect my relationship with my loving wife. I can't undo what was done but it is affecting me now. I know it isn't quite the same as with you and Fran, but based on your comments I see you being more hesitant in believing people and the motives they may have. It is a two way street and if you say you will do something and they agree then both sides need to uphold there end. My friend always paid for my gas to come to his house and then he tried to stop it, I didn't mind helping him but I couldn't afford to pay to help him. When he had his first stroke my van was "new" and had no miles on it, when he died it had over 100,000 miles and most of them were to his house and back to mine. I know this is a long explanation but I think you will understand what I am saying. Laying out the ground rules up front can alleviate a lot of hurt feelings/anger. I tried to make sure that my friend understood what I couldn't do more than understood what I could. I am still hoping everyday you get out of there and still have some sanity too. I know that the extra stresses do you no good because I am dealing with more stress and I don't have your medical issues and I feel like crap most of the time because of it. As KayC says about the $, with the higher costs now Fran is probably needing it and doesn't want to lose it and isn't seeing what it is doing to you. I think she sees it but at the same time doesn't understand it. It is hard to understand things unless you experience them as we know about grief and nobody will ever know exactly what you are going through, not even me because as I said I don't have your medical issues. I just hope you can have some peace in your own place soon.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

OMG, how horrible!  How often do you have to take it?  

I totally agree about what is happening to the Ukrainians, it's horrific.They are a strong people but I wish things weren't necessitating it.  No one should have to suffer war.

KayC:  I have to take the Methotrexate once a week. It's an oral form of chemo but not anywhere near the dose cancer patients are given thru an IV. Just this little dose knocks me off my feet, I can't imagine what cancer patients suffer through at higher doses. 

What is happening to Ukraine blows me away. And it's scary to think that another countries leader can order a takeover of another and then kill people like that. Putin is indeed  an evil madman. I don't see how someone like him could remain in power for much longer doing what he is doing. Even Russian citizens are protesting him. We need to pray for them, too. I've been watching the news and videos on BBC World News. They seem to have better/more in-depth coverage than our US stations. But I am feeling stronger seeing the Ukrainians being strong. I pray, pray, pray for them!  

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

As KayC says about the $, with the higher costs now Fran is probably needing it and doesn't want to lose it and isn't seeing what it is doing to you.

John9:  I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. And then I get burned....     I feel like I've got the word "Stupid" or "Chump" written on my forehead. Ticks me off. 

[John9]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

John9:  I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. And then I get burned....     I feel like I've got the word "Stupid" or "Chump" written on my forehead. Ticks me off. 

tnd,

Sometimes my loving wife and I both felt the same way, it didn't stop us from helping though. Now, however I am less inclined to help others because as I have found out since my loving wife died, we were in fact being used. Nobody cares about me or what I am going through and basically the only time I here from anyone is when THEY need something or when they want need to feel good about themselves. I accept that is how people are and if they are to be judged it isn't by me, I have enough to worry about my own judgement when it comes.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, tnd said:

I have to take the Methotrexate once a week. It's an oral form of chemo but not anywhere near the dose cancer patients are given thru an IV. Just this little dose knocks me off my feet, I can't imagine what cancer patients suffer through at higher doses. 

My friend Iris (a neighbor) has been doing chemo for cancer of her lymph glands and breast, has surgery coming up, then radiation.  I dread the radiation for her.  Chemo has been horrible, it gave her neuropathy (feet and hands), a rash all over, lost all her beautiful auburn hair, she's now getting peach fuzz, I hope it comes in at the same color, but sometimes the hair is different, she's had mouth sores, you name it.  It has left her tired but she still has a positive attitude.  I'm choking up as I write this.

 

20 hours ago, tnd said:

Even Russian citizens are protesting him.

And being imprisoned for it for years.   Our country needs some improvement, what one does not, yet I am SO THANKFUL FOR FREEDOM OF SPEECH!  At least we can voice our opinions!

[KayC]

20 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. And then I get burned....     I feel like I've got the word "Stupid" or "Chump" written on my forehead. Ticks me off. 

Please never feel that way.

I remember Dr Phil talking to a woman who was catfished out of her life's savings/home.  She felt so stupid when she realized how vulnerable she had allowed herself to be!  She thought herself the most stupid person in the world.  He was so sweet, he handed her his handkerchief, told her she was NOT stupid!  He told her she doesn't think like a catfish, she thinks like a normal person, trusting, caring, because that's who/how she is.  That it's on THEM that they take advantage of it.  

I felt that way totally with Con John (XH who wasn't a husband at all), I'm going to pay for it the rest of my life, so will my kids as much less to leave them. 

But I learned from it.  Oh God I learned from it!

18 hours ago, John9 said:

Nobody cares about me or what I am going through and basically the only time I here from anyone is when THEY need something

OMG do I know what you mean!  Sometimes we have to put ourselves first!  I am learning this more every day!

[John9]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

But I learned from it.  Oh God I learned from it!

KayC,

I have said before, we are all who we are because of what we have done, been through, experienced, etc. My loving wife fell in love with the person that she met and I believe she made me a better person even after I had people take advantage of me. I also fell in love with the person that she was when I first met her and hopefully made her a better person. I just am more leery now because I have no support if and when someone uses me as has happened in the past. If I survive this grieving I will never be the person I was and I know that but as we have discussed, without the love and support of the one who we lost it is so much harder to deal with even the little things.

[KayC]

I get it John, you are as me.  Yesterday my pastor's wife, Cindy, told me to go to Bible Study Thursday!  I thought it so inappropriate, she inserted herself into my horriific life yesterday, trying to take over, NOT what I needed!  How do you tell someone you do not want them there when they think they're doing a good thing!  Alas I've tried to talk to her before, but she reminds me of Cheech and Chong "but I don't listen to her cuz my head is like a sieve..."  Yep, describes it perfectly!

[John9]

KayC,

I will say again I am sorry for the loss of Peggy. I will never understand people now and I had trouble understanding them before my loving wife died. As I have asked and will again, why does nobody seem to listen when we speak. It is like they need to be at the center of everything, even OUR grief. I am almost ready to explode on the Attorney and the Court and God forbid someone looks at me the wrong way. It is getting to the boiling point and when this happened my loving wife knew how to calm me and what to say. Alas she isn't here and even though I know I need to calm down, it is too much and I and I so tired and worn out and these continual compounded issues are killing me, too slowly. I just want peace and to hopefully be with my loving wife again soon.

[KayC]

John, I hear you totally, I understand, I wish I could be of HELP to you, that's what we need, someone to care, someone to help, it feels we're on our own, out on a limb...

What do you do when the one who always listened, cared, understood, is GONE!  That's what I'm finding since Peggy died.  The dementia bouts were hard for the same reason but at least I knew (with my brain) it was the dementia, not her!  Now...I'm truly alone.

My little sister has pretty much let me know she won't be here as she's busy with all her plans, always plans, traveling, fun.  Wow.  My life is not about fun, not at all.  Wish I could cop out like that!  Everyone has their excuses.

[John9]

KayC,

It is a shame that some people will never be the type to help. I have known too many who are always offering, but then when there is a need as you said always an excuse. I understand the remark about your life not being about fun, it seems so much longer than the 1 year since my loving wife died since there was any fun in my existence. I can't bring myself to say life because for me this isn't living, just barely existing. I have said before that my loving wife and I were always pretty sure our son would not be there when we needed him. He is here but at the same time he is like a tenant and I never see him unless he needs something, getting him to do what he needs to do is like pulling teeth. I am trying to make him understand I won't be here forever to help him and guide him and he needs to be an adult. He hasn't filed his taxes yet AND he is probably getting a refund. It bothers me but I can't worry about him as I have too many other issues on my plate.

[DMB]

tnd,

Hi.  I've been reading this topic for a bit now.  You know you are being played and you really need to get out of there.  Why can't you fill out a rental application on line?  I take it the internet is fixed.  This Fran should not have even been allowed into your doctor appointment if she is not on your HIPPA paperwork.  If she is, I'd take her off.  Now.  No limited anything.  Nothing.  Find someone else to name.  You need to complain to your Dr. as he is breaking the law by letting her in.  Again, unless she is on your HIPPA it is not allowed.    I don't know your age or where you are, but please call a cab or other transportation.  Can you afford a hotel?  Look into your county/state senior programs for housing.  Reach out to a social worker.  They should be able to assist you. For free!!  If you can't find anyone you can contact your Dr.s office and they can get you in contact with someone. You need to reach out!   I really hope when I check here again, you are out of that house.  If I can help you in anyway, just let me know.  

[DMB]

I'm not sure this would apply to you, but should it, then here's a link where to start. 

Affordable Housing Resources | Texas Health and Human Services

 

Rental Assistance | HUD.gov / U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD)

[tnd]

5 hours ago, DMB said:

I don't know your age or where you are, but please call a cab or other transportation.  Can you afford a hotel?  Look into your county/state senior programs for housing.  Reach out to a social worker.  They should be able to assist you. For free!! 

DMB:  I'm 57. Been there, done that. I've looked into ALL of the programs. You could say I've been put thru the gauntlet. The best I could do was to enter my application in a "lottery". They (the city) drew 5,000 names and I am one of them. This means that as long as I still qualify, I am on a 12-24 month waiting list for voucher housing. But that's better than the 5-6 year waiting list. There are just too many homeless people and not enough affordable or low income housing. Meanwhile, I am trying to get my name on a waiting list at a very cheap apartment that is partially part of a HUD Housing Program (the projects as they used to be called). The waiting list for that is 6-8 months. And then our state is being flooded with Californians and New Yorkers looking for housing (to buy and rent). This has caused the cost of housing to skyrocket, rents are unaffordable and now there is a housing crunch. Wating lists everywhere...I am on Disabled Widows Benefits so hopefully can get in at that cheap apartment I've been eyeing. It might mean I have to stay here while on the waiting list 6-8 months but there really is nowhere else i can go. Sucks. But every day I keep picturing myself in my new place and keeping "my eye on the prize". If it weren't for friends offering their support, kind words and suggestions (like  you) on this site and my 2 cats, I think I would have gone bonkers by now. I am just trying to stay alive and with my medical condition, that's a challenge already! But  I swear, I will get out of here and into my own place, just wish it were sooner than later. 

I am doing fine today but every so often (lol) I have the need to vent. I hate that. I feel and do much better when I think more positive. Okay...gonna take a deep breath now.  

[John9]

20 minutes ago, tnd said:

I am doing fine today but every so often (lol) I have the need to vent. I hate that. I feel and do much better when I think more positive. Okay...gonna take a deep breath now.  

tnd,

If I didn't come here to vent, I don't know how I would manage to keep going. I do try to be positive even though my blood type is AB+ (haha) It is just so hard when nothing seems to go right. I know that the stresses don't help and I am worried about KayC right now since Peggy died because as we know that stress is terrible.

[tnd]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

I know that the stresses don't help and I am worried about KayC right now since Peggy died

John9:   Okay, forgive me but my memory fails me. Was Peggy the sister with dementia that KayC takes care of or wasn't she the one that died years ago? Oh, please bring me up to speed. Poor KayC. She is so generous and giving of herself but she someone else needs to be generous now and help HER. 

[tnd]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

My little sister has pretty much let me know she won't be here as she's busy with all her plans, always plans, traveling, fun.  Wow.  My life is not about fun, not at all.  Wish I could cop out like that!  Everyone has their excuses.

KayC:  They are the same people who act all offended if we don't join them on something or pay for a plane ticket to visit or whatever. They act as if they don't even know why we don't have the time and money (because we were taking care of other people/family members and they didn't). I just loved how things were turned around on me. 

[tnd]

On 3/29/2022 at 8:51 AM, KayC said:

she inserted herself into my horriific life yesterday,

KayC:  I am so sorry to read here about Peggy. Are you okay? This is terrible. I imagine your heart is in a lot of pain right now Wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug or sit and hold your hand for a while. Anything. I will pray for peace to come to you and for our Lord to embrace you with His loving arms and strengthen your faith and trust in Him. We must believe that Peggy is alright now and you will be okay, too. Please go to your Kodie and let him comfort you. He will help. All of us are here, too.  

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

. . . Was Peggy the sister with dementia that KayC takes care of or wasn't she the one that died years ago?

Peggy is the one that Kay has been caring for since Peggy's husband died about a year and half ago.  He was her caregiver for years.  Peggy was suffering from dementia, which has been getting worse.  Peggy didn't take good care of herself and turned to Kay for lots of help.  It was very stressful for Kay, that she had to do so much for Peggy when Peggy didn't do much to help herself. I remember when Kay took Peggy wonderful homemade soup, and next time Kay went over, the soup was still in the fridge, never eaten.  Kay was driving Peggy to many appointments, struggling to put Peggy's wheelchair in her trunk. So hard for Kay with her hands in such pain.  Many, many such events.  Kay was a really great sister to Peggy.  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  I am so sorry to read here about Peggy. Are you okay?

I filled a dumpster with stuff yesterday, purging expired food, etc.  None of us wants it, all have dietary issues that are unique so have to give or throw it away.  Made a lot of headway but it's a drop in the bucket.  There is NOWHERE to take things to here, we have to drive 100 mile round trip to "donate!"  She didn't have anyone on her bank account or POA, so it'll be a hassle, have to go through probate.  Meeting with my brother & little sister Sat. morning.  I've located important papers, will give my brother those and her $ (she'd sold Bert's guns the night before and he paid her).  I found her IRS refunds (not much) and put them in her bank account, took her Rxs to the police station.  Notified a ton of people.  Still have more calls to make and a couple more things to look for.  Exhausted.

This morning I got a call that a friend I've known for 45 years through my current and previous churches, passed away, most likely in his sleep.  He was fine last night.  (Wes).  It never ends.

We found homes for Peggy's walkers and Bert's brand new wheelchair through the churches.  

[John9]

KayC,

I said it on the other forum but I will again, I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I know that is a risk as we get older, but it doesn't make it any easier when it happens. Especially the unexpected one. Take care.

[Gail 8588]

@KayC

Kay, 

I am so sorry you have had another loss on top of Peggy's passing.  It does all seem to be too much sometimes. 

Please pay attention to how exhausted you are. It is not just the physical work of driving to Peggy's, cleaning and sorting and disposing of so much, it is the emotional toll it takes on you as well.  You need to take time for yourself, be with Kodie, let yourself grieve, or just take a nap. 

Hugs, 

Gail

[John9]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

You need to take time for yourself, be with Kodie, let yourself grieve, or just take a nap. 

Gail 8588,

Yes we all know that grief and stress are not good together. I really hope that KayC is able to get some help from her family and maybe some others too. It can be so overwhelming and so frustrating too. I just hope that she knows how much we all care for her especially in her time of grief as she always cares for us.

[KayC]

Just got back from there, sixth day in a row.  I woke up at 2:30, couldn't get back to sleep.  My siblings came today, Mick's taking over but he's not local so will have to keep an eye on the mail, continue to give him info as he thinks of it.  He forgot the Spectrum boxes so I had to go back down there and get them, will have to drive them 100 mile round trip this week, will wait until Thursday when the snow's gone.  In a way maybe it's good I've been so busy this week, but it's also a bit much.

They all headed to Eugene to have lunch together, why not here so I could join them?  Why did my little sister come here to pick up pictures but not help me all week?  One of those mysteries.  Polly couldn't come, that's understandable (blind and IBS severe).  Mick works, Julie doesn't.  Must be nice to just worry about pictures...

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Must be nice to just worry about pictures...

KayC,

I am sorry that you are having to deal with any of this, I know it can be overwhelming. You might want to do an address change with Post Office if it is too far to keep checking the mail (?) also if the estate will sell the property someone will need to keep up with it anyway. I did that when my friend died because it was too hard driving just to check the mail and then my loving wife died and couldn't leave MIL all alone and it was a pain to take her. Can you send the Spectrum boxes in the mail, I did with friend Comcast box. I don't fully understand what death brings out in people, when my loving wife's Grandparents died1 of the Daughters just started breaking things and throwing things away because she didn't want them and didn't want anyone else to have them either. I think that is a small part of the issues I am having with them (?) As we know too well grief causes people to do strange things. I hope that Probate goes a lot easier for your family than it is for me, but since you are in another State it just might work better for you.

[tnd]

On 3/30/2022 at 9:06 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Peggy is the one that Kay has been caring for since Peggy's husband died about a year and half ago. 

Thanks for letting me know, Gail 8588. It's terrible that KayC is going through so much grief. 

[tnd]

On 3/31/2022 at 9:44 AM, KayC said:

Still have more calls to make and a couple more things to look for.  Exhausted.

KayC:  Sorry I haven't responded sooner, I didn't have access to the internet. Just wanted to say again how sorry I am for your loss. Wish you had more help with Peggy's things so that you can get some rest.  

[tnd]

ALL:  Sorry I have not been replying/responding. I have not "been given" access to the internet the past couple of days. And I may be without it again after I post this. I will try to explain later but basically games are being played here. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days here. I am okay but there is a lot of fighting and even I was scolded and I did not even do anything wrong. I cried later because this stress is just about all I can take. I have a lot of business matters to take care of and need to be able to use the phone I have (or had???) and the internet. Being without these little luxuries has screwed me up. Even for a day.

Hopefully my internet problem will be solved with my purchase of a new phone instead of having to rely on someone else (and their internet line) for access. Anyways, I may go dark again, possibly a few days but I will be back. Thanks everyone! I hope KayC is doing alright coping with the loss of her dear sister Peggy. Her plate is full... 

[John9]

tnd,

I am sorry that you are still having issues with the living situation. I am hoping so much that you can get out of there soon.

[KayC]

On 4/2/2022 at 4:32 PM, John9 said:

Can you send the Spectrum boxes in the mail

I got them to send back through a UPS store, then my brother said he would do it, so I took it back to her house so he can get it when he comes up.  Spectrum was great.  I need to cancel her phone service today.

@tnd, have you tried contacting churches recently?  You need outside contact/help.  I'm so sorry you keep having these problems.