Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life

[John9]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Why do we have to deal with people like this on top of everything else we're dealing with!

KayC,

Some people just can't let people live their own life. It puts them in the center ring of their own circus. My loving wife and I had a neighbor here who was always watching every little thing we did. Years ago I switched from Directv to Comcrap and she actually called the police when they tried to bury the cable in the public easement and our Son called and told me that there were 4 police cars here. Luckily for us they moved a few years ago. But some people just can't stay out of other peoples business. The police should know better than to listen to everything they are told, take the report and follow up. Sadly all of what you say may be why things happened as far as the police not doing what they should have. I am sorry that you are not having any better luck with the Court System there than I am here. I will never understand why it is so difficult for them to understand the stress that we are under and the hoops we have to jump through are terrible.

[tnd]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

Why do we have to deal with people like this on top of everything else we're dealing with!

KayC:  I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much while grieving the loss of your sister. As for Peggy's neighbor, Wanita, she's an example of someone with entirely too much time on her hands. I think you have two choices here; either let her upset you and waste your time answering her or ignore her. If she really wants a reply then let her get off her hind-end and come over to talk to you next time you are at Peggy's (what's that you say? Might be weeks before you go back over there??) Precisely my point. Don't justify her nosiness with a reply or any effort made on your part. You are in survival mode and have a lot to take care of. Wanita is in slow-mode; the lights are on but nobody's home. 😆

[tnd]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

I will never understand why it is so difficult for them to understand the stress that we are under and the hoops we have to jump through are terrible.

John9:  This is why we feel alone. We can be surrounded by people but if not one of them can understand, emphasize or do what they should, it's like talking to the wall. I can only think that we need to lower our expectations....if I was a manager a lot of people would be getting fired.  Human Resources would have a lot of fun with me! Not. 

[KayC]

I am a take charge person, used to handling things, I've had to come to realize that we CAN'T handle Peggy's estate until the system runs it's course, no matter how long that takes or how we wish it might be so.  We cannot pay her bills.  We cannot make people/companies happy.  We can't even make our OWN selves happy!  Our best goal is to be at peace within ourselves even in the meanwhile while everything FEELS like upheaval!

And everywhere around us are leeches, seeking to devour us and suck our blood!  People wanting free babysitting even if it means a six hour trip and ton of inconvenience for us...with no appreciation!  Or to DO for them!  My plate is full.  Sometimes I'll say yes, sometimes I'll say no.  I wish I could say no more often!  Not easy when you're used to pleasing.

But last I looked, who is there for US???

[John9]

4 minutes ago, KayC said:

But last I looked, who is there for US???

KayC,

I sadly understand what you said about everything. And the part about who is there for US, not too many for me. My loving wife and I always tried and I think that is what hurts me so much. The problem I have seen with the Court System at least here is that they don't really understand anything but the paperwork part. They forgot or didn't realize that each form represents a grieving family and they don't seem to care. They go to work from 9-5 (?) and if it gets done that's fine and if it doesn't that's fine too. Grieving is as we all know hard enough but  all of the rest is sometimes too much. I will say again, I don't know how or why I am still existing because the stress should have done me in even before I lost my loving wife and each day there is just so much more. Life sure likes to keep kicking me when I am down, and this is not living anymore.

[John9]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

I can only think that we need to lower our expectations...

tnd,

I really can't lower my expectations when dealing with legal issues. I have no expectations anymore as far as support from anyone who knew my loving wife. If someone calls or texts me then it is okay, but as I said before I can't force them to. I just muddle through each day and night hoping something is getting closer to being done and finalized. Each day and night is thankfully one day closer to it all being over. It can't go on forever, right.

[KayC]

I think sometimes we need to RAISE our expectations!  We should value ourselves enough to expect a bare minimum of decency and respect from others.  As far as the courts go, they need to keep in mind who they are serving, the very people that work hard to pay for their wages!  They are public SERVANTS, supposedly!  Our whole system is warped, unfortunately.  I don't think our founding fathers meant for it to be like this.   I know Ben Franklin sure didn't (I've studied him because he is my GrGrGrGr-uncle).

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

. . .  I will say again, I don't know how or why I am still existing because the stress should have done me in . . . 

John9, 

I so strongly relate to what you said here. 

During my first 3 years I really found it unbelievable that I continued to exist.  I often have thought that humans are incredibly fragile life forms.  So many things can kill us so quickly.  But in surviving my intense  grief I was continually shocked that the pain, anxiety, fear, guilt didn't kill me.  My blood pressure was through the roof sometimes 220/150, my chest would feel like it was exploding, I'd have blinding headaches (not all of this at once) and yet I didn't die. It was unbelievable. I would have been okay with dying. The living was too hard.  But day after day, I would wake up again. It was actually quite depressing that I wouldn't die. 

I have a new appreciation for how resilient the human body can be.  

For what it is worth, I haven't felt that way for more than a year, close to 2 years.  I no longer have those physically painful waves of grief and dispair. I am no longer shocked that I continue to exist. 

Gail

[tnd]

4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It was unbelievable. I would have been okay with dying. The living was too hard.  But day after day, I would wake up again. It was actually quite depressing that I wouldn't die. 

I have a new appreciation for how resilient the human body can be.  

We're certainly glad that you're still here! I was just about to beg for some help when I saw your post. I am having major anxiety attacks today. Actually it's been going on for a few days but today is especially bad. Can't even figure out why. But I read your post and that has calmed me down a little. Yes, the living gets hard. Thank you so very much for being here. ❤️

 

[John9]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

I think sometimes we need to RAISE our expectations!  We should value ourselves enough to expect a bare minimum of decency and respect from others.  As far as the courts go, they need to keep in mind who they are serving, the very people that work hard to pay for their wages!  They are public SERVANTS, supposedly!  Our whole system is warped, unfortunately.  I don't think our founding fathers meant for it to be like this.   I know Ben Franklin sure didn't (I've studied him because he is my GrGrGrGr-uncle).

 

[John9]

KayC,

I have run the full gamut of every emotion and whatever else you want to call it. I expect people to do the job that I paid them to do. I expect people to do the job they are employed to do. But after a year of nothing being done in a timely manner, what else can I do but continue at their level. I am stuck and I can't do anything which is why I did hire an Attorney and they are telling me it is just the way the System is right now. It has gotten worse because of Covid (their words not mine) and sorry but they say they can't do anything but wait.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

I think sometimes we need to RAISE our expectations

I haven't lowered my standards, if that's what you mean. But it is like I've come to expect less, especially when it comes to any kind of service. Today's world seems so bleak. Seems there is less pride and without that comes less hope. That's why I try looking at other outlets for myself. I try finding pride and hope in things I didn't before in case I overlooked an opportunity to feel good again. 

[tnd]

20 minutes ago, John9 said:

after a year of nothing being done in a timely manner, what else can I do but continue at their leve

Sounds like that is what you are having to do. You shouldn't have to but since it doesn't seem like things and people's attitudes aren't going to change any time soon, then I guess it is up to us as far as how we cope with it. I'm sitting here today having all-out anxiety attacks and really don't know why....no one has upset me today and I didn't have any pressing matters that needed my attention so now what!? lol Maybe my brain doesn't want to rest because it has sort of gotten use to things being all wrong and chaotic. How stupid is that!? Can't even rest when there is NO crisis occurring! 

 

[John9]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm sitting here today having all-out anxiety attacks and really don't know why....no one has upset me today and I didn't have any pressing matters that needed my attention so now what!? lol Maybe my brain doesn't want to rest because it has sort of gotten use to things being all wrong and chaotic. How stupid is that!? Can't even rest when there is NO crisis occurring! 

tnd,

I said that after MIL died, I expected to just collapse because the pressure of that was done and I thought my body and mind would shut down. It didn't because I am still here and I do keep expecting something to go wrong because it seems to always go wrong. I think we get in survival mode and can't get out of it. I don't know if that is true or if my broken brain just can't figure anything out anymore.

[John9]

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

John9, 

I so strongly relate to what you said here. 

During my first 3 years I really found it unbelievable that I continued to exist.  I often have thought that humans are incredibly fragile life forms.  So many things can kill us so quickly.  But in surviving my intense  grief I was continually shocked that the pain, anxiety, fear, guilt didn't kill me.  My blood pressure was through the roof sometimes 220/150, my chest would feel like it was exploding, I'd have blinding headaches (not all of this at once) and yet I didn't die. It was unbelievable. I would have been okay with dying. The living was too hard.  But day after day, I would wake up again. It was actually quite depressing that I wouldn't die. 

I have a new appreciation for how resilient the human body can be.  

For what it is worth, I haven't felt that way for more than a year, close to 2 years.  I no longer have those physically painful waves of grief and dispair. I am no longer shocked that I continue to exist. 

Gail

Gail 8588,

Thank you for the comment, I know that it is that long journey that scares me. I don't want to be here, I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of this current existence. I dread each morning and hope each night it will end. I have to sadly agree about how resilient the body is, but also I know from my loving wife how quickly it can fail. I get up and I shower and I do what I must but this is not what we had hoped for or thought we would have at this stage.

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

. . . I'm sitting here today having all-out anxiety attacks and really don't know why...

Tnd, 

I am sorry to hear you are suffering these anxiety attacks.  I know those can be very frightening and debilitating.  

You have persevered through so many challenges with such amazing optimism.  I hope you can center yourself to calm these anxiety attacks.  Sending you calm thoughts and hugs. 

Gail

[Jemiga70]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

I think sometimes we need to RAISE our expectations!  We should value ourselves enough to expect a bare minimum of decency and respect from others.

Totally agree.  This is what I been telling myself the past 11 months.  I do indeed expect to be treated with at least a modicum of dignity.  We all deserve that.

 

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

My blood pressure was through the roof sometimes 220/150, my chest would feel like it was exploding, I'd have blinding headaches (not all of this at once) and yet I didn't die. It was unbelievable. I would have been okay with dying. The living was too hard.  But day after day, I would wake up again. It was actually quite depressing that I wouldn't die.

Thank you for sharing this Gail.  I thought I was going crazy - or more like I was all alone in feeling this way, but i see I am not.

4 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm sitting here today having all-out anxiety attacks and really don't know why....no one has upset me today and I didn't have any pressing matters that needed my attention so now what!? lol

I'm sorry youre going thru this; it ain't fun.  Youre not alone in feeling this.  Been there MANY many times over the last 11 months. Comes outta the blue, wake up at 3am and cant fall back asleep, then the whole day is ruined because without good sleep I am useless, and the stress becomes more acute because of the exhaustion...

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have a new appreciation for how resilient the human body can be.

I have concluded the same thing.  My sister was lucky, she only had to endure 1 1/2 years of this and she got to join her husband.  But it's been nearly 17 for me and I can't for the life of my say why.  I can only conclude there's still work for me to do here.  Going through that early pain and anguish, I have no idea how/why I survived it.  I can't tell you how, only that I learned to take a day at a time.  It was hard.  That doesn't begin to describe it!

16 hours ago, tnd said:

I am having major anxiety attacks today.

I am so sorry.  I had to go on anxiety meds (Buspar/Buspirone) and haven't suffered an anxiety attack since, that was more than three years after he died, I'll be on it for life, I had anxiety all my life, but when he died it multiplied by leaps and bounds!  I know what the attacks feel like, they are no fun. 

15 hours ago, John9 said:

I am stuck and I can't do anything which is why I did hire an Attorney and they are telling me it is just the way the System is right now.

Yep.  My conclusion as well.  It can cause you to bang your head if you let it.

12 hours ago, John9 said:

I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of this current existence.

I get it.  I tell myself, "I can do today."  Even if it's not relished, and sometimes it isn't.  I have to drive a long trek to the valley to the dentist and get gas today.  Tomorrow the same to the vet.  Ugh.  I made an appt to get Kodie neutered and wrestled with it all night, am strongly considering calling it off, not feeling right about the risks of unnecessary surgery.  I've been on the Pet grief forum enough to know some have lost their dog to surgery, even as innocuous as this!  Nothing innocuous about it the way the lady relayed it, plus you have to scan their code to check in and I couldn't get it to work last time, she is callous and hard to deal with, to my 70 year old brain!  She talked down to me, was very curt and nasty.  I would have to leave here at 5 am to be there on time, then no where to go until noon, then pick him up and keep a cone on him for ten days, no getting dirty/wet, no play dates, none of our usual walks, couldn't cuddle with him, feeling responsible for what he'd be going through, nope, totally rethinking it.  My granddaaughter's bdy party is 5 days later, do I leave him home alone for hours while I go?  Not liking that idea either.  Can't have him around other dogs.  

This is when I miss my husband, someone I can talk to, someone to help me decide things, at least someone else that CARES!

Gail, you'e not alone in stress affecting your BP, mine was 224/94 when my sister died one month ago today.  I didn't take it for a week after, figured that'd just raise it more!  I'm back to taking it daily.  Still struggling, pulse higher than I'd like it.  If only we could live in a bubble, where nothing could affect us!

[John9]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

  Tomorrow the same to the vet.  Ugh.  I made an appt to get Kodie neutered and wrestled with it all night, am strongly considering calling it off, not feeling right about the risks of unnecessary surgery.  I've been on the Pet grief forum enough to know some have lost their dog to surgery, even as innocuous as this!  Nothing innocuous about it

KayC,

Sadly, I know from my loving wife working at a Vet, they do try to say it nicely that there is no such thing as minor Surgery. It is because of the drugs and hidden issues with the pets. My loving wife had to explain and comfort many clients through the years. There is no excuse for the attitude of the employee except that is what we take about isn't it. My opinion and it is only my opinion, but if you are not feeling right about the Surgery put it off. You know that you will never forgive yourself if something does happen to Kodie. If it isn't really necessary expect for his license fees, I would not do it myself feeling that way. There is always going to be some thoughts in the broken/grief brain as you well know.

[tnd]

On 4/27/2022 at 9:25 PM, Gail 8588 said:

hope you can center yourself to calm these anxiety attacks.  Sending you calm thoughts and hugs. 

Gail

Thank you, Gail. I did a little better today. Actually fell asleep and that helped. Then later the darndest thing happened; I broke down and cried. It just came out of nowhere. I had recently purchased a shirt and they included a men's catalog in the delivery. I started browsing and then that got me thinking of my husband. I use to shop for him. I never told him what to wear, he'd tell me what to get and I'd go get it for him. He was always so happy when I did that for him (he hated clothes shopping). Guess I didn't realize that I've missed doing that until today when it hit me; no more shopping for Polo shirts or khaki pants...☹️

[tnd]

On 4/27/2022 at 10:05 PM, Jemiga70 said:

Been there MANY many times over the last 11 months. Comes outta the blue, wake up at 3am and cant fall back asleep, then the whole day is ruined b

I will literally hold my breath just to keep from hyperventilating. Once I get that part under control the real trick is how to keep it that way. lol 

[tnd]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

This is when I miss my husband, someone I can talk to, someone to help me decide things, at least someone else that CARES!

WE CARE! But seriously, I know  what you mean. I thought God created men so their wives would have someone to talk to....  These anxiety attacks are causing my own heart rate to go through the roof. I start talking to my cats or surf the net looking for dumb easy stuff to read until I can calm down. Speaking of calm, they say getting a dog fixed helps with any aggression around other dogs and they live longer. 

[John9]

8 hours ago, tnd said:

Thank you, Gail. I did a little better today. Actually fell asleep and that helped. Then later the darndest thing happened; I broke down and cried. It just came out of nowhere. I had recently purchased a shirt and they included a men's catalog in the delivery. I started browsing and then that got me thinking of my husband. I use to shop for him. I never told him what to wear, he'd tell me what to get and I'd go get it for him. He was always so happy when I did that for him (he hated clothes shopping). Guess I didn't realize that I've missed doing that until today when it hit me; no more shopping for Polo shirts or khaki pants...☹️

tnd,

I too am hit with unexpected waves of tears. I tried to go to the grocery store the other day, but I only managed a couple of items and had to leave. It may have been the Mother's day items or just seeing those things we bought together that got to me again. I know, one day at a time but it is still hard and it just crushes me so much. I hate shopping for clothes for myself because my loving wife always liked "final approval" because she had to look at me. She really wanted to approve of my pants because she claimed only certain one made my butt look good.. I really liked doing everything with my loving wife, even clothes shopping. I cut the grass yesterday in the area where our dogs were allowed and it made me sad for many reasons. First no dogs and second there were 5 snakes, my loving wife hated the snakes but our female Chihuahua would have fun chasing them when the startled her. It is all of the little things I miss so much, my loving wife the most but everyone and everything else as well.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

I know what you mean. My husband and I just enjoyed being together. It didn't matter how mundane, it was just pleasant to do it with him.  It is really sad that is lost to us forever.  I miss it too. 

Gail

[KayC]

20 hours ago, John9 said:

I would not do it myself feeling that way.

I've decided not to do it, anywhere.  It's my decision, not theirs, they try to intimidate you into doing their agenda, hell no, I can be pretty stubborn, they can watch!  My Kodie's life is worth way more than their insane fees.  Out here we get NOTHING in exchange for their fees!  Nothing!  They won't come out for dog at large or excessive barking or even respond to a dog bite!  Why am I paying all this $?  Because it's the law and they enforce that.

On 4/27/2022 at 8:05 PM, Jemiga70 said:

wake up at 3am and cant fall back asleep

Been there too many times over the years!  Finally got on Trazodone 50 mg at bedtime, now I get a good night's sleep 80% of the time.  I hate the days when I'm dragging...

10 hours ago, tnd said:

I thought God created men so their wives would have someone to talk to...

This made me spit out my coffee!    I love it!  Not sure the men do...

10 hours ago, tnd said:

Speaking of calm, they say getting a dog fixed helps with any aggression around other dogs and they live longer. 

Kodie is totally non-aggressive and sweet/calm around other dogs.  I haven't noticed other dogs being fixed helping with THEIR aggression!  All of the dogs that attacked us where neutered.

 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Kodie is totally non-aggressive and sweet/calm around other dogs.  I haven't noticed other dogs being fixed helping with THEIR aggression!  All of the dogs that attacked us where neutered.

Well, Charlie Bear wasn’t neutered either. He was never aggressive in his life, though as a Keeshond he was protective when necessary. Even then he didn’t bite, attack, or even nip.

Once we had him at a ski resort where we had stopped in on a spring trip. (We called that spring break “the seasons” because we part camped and part stayed in cabins down CA/NV 395 from Tahoe. Massive late snow around Mammoth through wildflowers around Inyo/Kings Canyon and down to Death Valley, where we hit the first 100 degree days of the year.)

Anyway, dogs weren’t allowed in the cafeteria, so I stayed out on a bench with Charlie while waiting for hot chocolate. Three men approached us, saying what a beautiful dog he was (he really was). They crowded us, though they weren’t exactly aggressive. Charlie did not like the “feeling” he got from them. He moved to sit in front of me, slightly raised his hackles, and made the tiniest of deep chest growls. They backed off and left. I told John and he said, “Good boy. Good job.” Other than quietly guarding his family if strangers approached (and until John or I gave the “It’s okay”), barking if a stranger came to the door, or wanting to chase the occasional squirrel, that was the extent of his protective behavior.

We talked to our vet who said he recommended neutering for most males to avoid reproductive cancers, but didn’t push us at all. The vet said that it can help some dogs with aggression, but because Charlie wasn’t aggressive that it wasn’t an issue. Kodie isn’t aggressive and he’s a spitz breed like Charlie. Keeshonds aren’t prone to reproductive cancers, so I bet Klee Kai aren’t either.

The bottom line is that you know to trust your instincts, which tell you not to do it. That’s enough reason, IMO.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

It is all of the little things I miss so much

It's like the little things were the ingredients of a marriage. A really good one. 

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Kodie is totally non-aggressive and sweet/calm around other

Kodie is probably that way because you're raising him right and spend the time he needs with you. Sort of like how we were with our husbands. I think my marriage was good because we both spent the time we needed with each other. And our dog was very well behaved. He was very much a part of our marriage and happiness. 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

Kodie is probably that way because you're raising him right and spend the time he needs with you. Sort of like how we were with our husbands. I think my marriage was good because we both spent the time we needed with each other. And our dog was very well behaved. He was very much a part of our marriage and happiness. 

I agree.  It's good "parenting" in large part when our pets are well behaved, non-aggressive, and socialized.  We never pushed Charlie to spend time with any dog he wasn't comfortable around, which was most dogs, but he had a couple of friends who he played with happily. That was just his personality and comfort level.  He loved humans, especially girls, and was so gentle with our niece and nephew when they were little.  When our niece was in her rocking swing thing (whatever it's called), he would lie underneath or next to it watching over her.  Then when she was a toddler, he'd be wherever she was.  She loved sitting on the floor and using him as a back rest.  He would sit quietly with a smile on his face (Kees are known as "the smiling Dutchman") no matter how long she did that.  Our nephew had to be reminded about "gentle" a bit more when he was a toddler, though he never did stuff like pull on Charlie's tail or act aggressive.  Charlie was super patient with him.

Kodie is a good boy in part because it's his personality and in part because Kay is an excellent and loving pet parent.  Too bad the same can't be said for everyone

 

 

[tnd]

On 4/27/2022 at 10:05 PM, Jemiga70 said:

the whole day is ruined because without good sleep I am useless, and the stress becomes more acute because of the exhaustion...

Exactly. The "attack" finally let up a little today. I was able to sleep in two hour increments. Why just two hours, I don't know. Every time I'd get an attack, I'd sit up for however long it took before laying back down. Then finally, sleep entered my life again. I don't know why the anxiety is suddenly hitting like this. I guess knowing that I am finally on the waiting list for an apartment puts me closer to finding out if or how I am going to handle life without my husband. It just suddenly hit me that the time is nearing. Boy, I sure do hate this. I don't like all these emotions. Gotta get thru them I guess. I am thankful for you and this site! Would be much harder without all of you. 

[tnd]

On 4/28/2022 at 8:53 AM, KayC said:

I had to go on anxiety meds (Buspar/Buspirone) and haven't suffered an anxiety attack

Thanks for the suggestion. I use to take Ambien to sleep. Took the same smallest dose for nearly 20 years but because of my lungs, my  docs don't want me on anything that could possibly make me drowsy. We breath more shallow when we sleep and they're afraid I'd fall asleep and not wake back up. Good grief, Charlie Brown! I just want some relief! Maybe once I'm in my own place I can just get up and go have some milk and cookies in the nite. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, tnd said:

how I am going to handle life without my husband.

You will make it.  I didn't see how I could do it either.  TX should have something like Ride Source available too.  You have a clear brain, that's the important thing.  And you have a great attitude, positive focus, that's a huge aid.  It can be scary, even now I'm scared of the future as I age here, with no help from anyone.  No one cares like our husband did.  Now that I've lost sister Peggy, I don't even have a sounding board, she'll never know what she meant to me, although I tried to tell her. 

I apologized to my DIL for sounding curt in my last email to her, she won't respond, I've learned to not expect anything from her, she doesn't seem able to empathize or understand anyone, just makes demands, normally I handle it, but when someone never even says "Sorry for your loss" before going in for their demand on you...it didn't hit me right.  But for the sake of peace...

Heard from my friend Teresa last night....there is a hearing scheduled on Melissa's Divorce 5/31, she's not required to be there, something should post about it 6/1, so we'll know more then.  I am so nervous, don't know how we'll make it through this month, waiting, in limbo!  I cannot even imagine her stress, but oh God, I've been there.  My heart hurts for my baby.  She may be turning 40 but she'll always be my baby, she owns my heart along with my son and Kodie, and those I love and lost.

6 hours ago, tnd said:

go have some milk and cookies in the nite.

That might make your body more alert instead of sleepy, but I'd opt for the comfort!  Can't wait until you get your own place.

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Heard from my friend Teresa last night....there is a hearing scheduled on Melissa's Divorce 5/31, she's not required to be there, something should post about it 6/1, so we'll know more then.  I am so nervous, don't know how we'll make it through this month, waiting, in limbo!  I cannot even imagine her stress, but oh God, I've been there.  My heart hurts for my baby.  She may be turning 40 but she'll always be my baby, she owns my heart along with my son and Kodie, and those I love and lost.

KayC,

Hopefully your Daughter will be done with the Divorce after all of this time. I know one day at a time and a month is a long time but there is at least a date. I also understand the part about her being your baby even at 40, our Son fell down the stairs and needed 8 stitches to close the wound he received and it hurt me to see him go through it. Sadly he didn't have enough sense to go to ER until hours later when I made him. I don't know when he is going to grow up and become an adult, he just turned 31 a couple of weeks ago. It was his second Birthday since my loving wife died. And I just hope you can receive some good news about Peggy's estate too. You are sadly correct that nobody cares about us like our spouses did and nobody will at least in my case. It was that unconditional love, support and understanding that I am missing so much. I miss everything about my loving wife and the lack of companionship is so hard. Not being able to just talk and vent and hug and kiss and......

[tnd]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

You will make it.  I didn't see how I could do it either.  TX should have something like Ride Source available to

My city has a free transportation service. Last time I checked, they were only giving rides to doctor appts but maybe like they use to and as Covid restrictions ease up, they will offer rides to other places, like to the grocery store or shopping. Right now I have everything delivered to me but would love to get out whenever I want and by myself, instead of relying on someone else (who isn't so reliable or cooperative). 

[tnd]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

No one cares like our husband did.  Now that I've lost sister Peggy, I don't even have a sounding board,

I was wondering about that and how you were doing. I could tell that you and your sister were close by what you'd post. Well, we're still here and maybe for face to face contact the neighbor you are helping with cancer might be a good listener. Maybe she'd like to help and talk with you. Maybe over soup or hot tea....if she's not up to it you will see that (since you have experience with Peggy). Anyways, you and me both need to be able to have some face to face with people. It will happen. I'm just hoping I don't crash and burn first from stress and expenses. 

[tnd]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

You are sadly correct that nobody cares about us like our spouses did and nobody will at least in my case

I feel the same way. Maybe it's because no one other than our spouses saw us on quite the same level. With our spouses we could talk about anything and not be afraid of what we said or if we said it at our worst or standing there naked. It didn't matter; when we needed them they were there.                                         Sorry to hear about your son, hope he's better and that his leg heals fast. 

[John9]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

Anyways, you and me both need to be able to have some face to face with people. It will happen. I'm just hoping I don't crash and burn first from stress and expenses. 

tnd,

I also really need the human interaction, the face to face. These chats are good but it takes so long for any responses and it isn't quite the same. Our Son's leg is slowly healing because it is in the shin area and it is in a really bad spot.

[tnd]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

tnd,

I also really need the human interaction, the face to face.

I try to start up conversation here at the house but am largely ignored. I'll start saying something and people will interrupt or say just one word and walk away talking to someone else. It's rude but also embarrasses me. But I keep in mind how these people treat each other. It's not a very friendly environment and for me (praying) it is only temporary. 

[tnd]

No anxiety attacks today (yay) but I didn't do a darn thing. Slept a little. Again, just two hour increments. Now trying to stay awake to be sleepy a little later. Going to order my groceries for tomorrow and then see if me and my cats can call it a night. Doubt it but my cats like our bedtime routine. I recently bought them toys that I have to make "come alive" and then the chase is on. Then there's the rubbin' and-a-luvin. After that, lights out. I got myself a small wedge pillow to prop up my legs on in bed. That helps with the edema and restless legs syndrome. Also use a leg massager that you wrap around a leg like a big blood pressure cuff. I use it to circulate the extra fluid in my legs -works wonders! The prescription diuretic I take was always enough but lately I've retained more fluid. Anyways, the pillow and the massager help. I really need to get out and walk. It's just that I don't want to go alone as this is not the safest neighborhood. Fran pointed out all the houses on her street where there have been murders, shootings and even machete attacks. A couple weeks ago she ran off two gang members in her yard visiting her son. She had guts doing that but then I worried they'd come back later and do a "drive by" and spray the house with bullets. It's a crazy environment here. 

[Jemiga70]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

No anxiety attacks today (yay)

Good to hear!  They are the worst.  Like you said we can't go around them; we can only manage them.  Something you said upthread about how the attacks might be fueled by anticipation of what's to come, I think that's true.  I can relate.  I am soon moving COUNTRIES.  Lots of paperwork, lots of last-minute stuff, lots of deadlines; have to do it all w grief brain, so I'm triple- and quadruple-checking my paperwork to make sure nothing is overlooked. And I noticed that my anxiety has indeed ramped up in the last few wks in anticipation of what's coming.  Plus yesterday was 1 year since my beautiful wife passed on.  Fortunately I feel her presence and guidance and that's helped.

I do hope you get into your own apt soon; praying for this and for your health, both physical + mental. You take care,

[KayC]

21 hours ago, John9 said:

just hope you can receive some good news about Peggy's estate too.

I got an email requesting I sign a form and email it back...my printer has been balking at doing its job lately, I rarely use it and had just bought an extra set of cartridges...the color doesn't present as an option anymore, but after it talked back a couple of times, I finally got it to print out, signed it, and faxed it back to her.  Texted my daughter to tell them to MAIL a copy to her to sign and return as she doesn't have a computer or way to print it, and to specify which address to use!

I hope a month from now her divorce will be behind her instead of having to start all over again!

22 hours ago, John9 said:

I miss everything about my loving wife and the lack of companionship is so hard. Not being able to just talk and vent and hug and kiss and......

I do too, no matter how much time passes, and I miss the companionship part but not a soul in the world would fit the bill like he did.  I can't believe how perfectly we fit together!

 

18 hours ago, tnd said:

the neighbor you are helping with cancer might be a good listener.

Nope...she's pretty much about her needs/wants, there really isn't a two way about it.  Yesterday I got onto Jazzy for biting Kodie again, I'd found four scabs on him that morning!  Her husband said glibly, "Don't bring him!"  I know he doesn't care about dogs but all the same, it infuriated me!  My little dog matters, not only his safety but his feelings, and he loves Jazzy and her him!  I don't know if she's trying to carry him around like he's her pup or what, but it's hard to break this habit without their help!

 

18 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm just hoping I don't crash and burn first from stress and expenses. 

Me too.  We here care about you!  How I hope and pray that soon you will get that call!

13 hours ago, John9 said:

Our Son's leg is slowly healing because it is in the shin area and it is in a really bad spot.

I'm so sorry!  I'm glad you urged him to get help!  8 stitches is a lot!

13 hours ago, John9 said:

These chats are good but it takes so long for any responses and it isn't quite the same.

No but it's a lifesaver for me....otherwise there'd be NO interaction most days!

10 hours ago, tnd said:

No anxiety attacks today (yay) but I didn't do a darn thing.

Wish I could say that, it's not yet 6 am and I finished washing the dishes in my china/crystal cabinet! (WHY do I still have them, no one ever comes!) did a load of laundry, responded to my diabetic group and now here...I woke up at 12:30 and gave up getting back to sleep at 2 am, so got up and started my day.  Still drinking coffee...

10 hours ago, tnd said:

restless legs syndrome

have you tried magnesium?  Dissolve the flakes in some water and spray on.  Edema is hard, I had that after George died.  They told me years ago no salt, went 38 years without it until I learned different, now I have himalayan salt and have no edema.

8 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Plus yesterday was 1 year since my beautiful wife passed on. 

I'm sorry, I didn't know it was a year, I hope you did okay.  When I reached one year it felt like a survival milestone, so here's a trophy for you!  And I'm glad you find her presence comforting.

 

8 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I am soon moving COUNTRIES.  Lots of paperwork, lots of last-minute stuff, lots of deadlines; have to do it all w grief brain, so I'm triple- and quadruple-checking my paperwork to make sure nothing is overlooked. And I noticed that my anxiety has indeed ramped up in the last few wks in anticipation of what's coming.

Wow, it's hard enough just staying put!  I can't imagine.  I pray for some relief to your brain!

[John9]

20 minutes ago, KayC said:

14 hours ago, John9 said:

These chats are good but it takes so long for any responses and it isn't quite the same.

No but it's a lifesaver for me....otherwise there'd be NO interaction most days!

KayC,

I agree and understand, I was just commenting that it is hard along with everything else. One of the issues I have is I forget what I was thinking at the time. Also the missing comments messes with the broken brain train of thought too.

[tnd]

15 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I am soon moving COUNTRIES.  Lots of paperwork

This is when I wish we had a personal assistant to help us. Moving is stressful and I hate paperwork because it is so hard to focus these days. Grief is almost like having a hidden illness. People don't always know how hard we have it. I am learning to speak up if I need help. That was hard for me to do in the past but because I'm sick (sarcoidosis) and grieving, I figure I had better learn to ask for help. I hope your move goes smooth. 

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Nope...she's pretty much about her needs/wants, there really isn't a two way about it.  Yesterday I got onto Jazzy for biting Kodie again, I'd found four scabs on him that morning! 

I'm sorry. Yeah, on my bad days when I feel sick I tend to just think of my own needs too. Hopefully your neighbor will get better and then be more receptive of you. As for Kodie, is maybe the other dog rolling him? Maybe it's not bites, maybe it's claws. Or maybe he likes Kodies long fluffy hair and likes to take nibbles. Poor Kodie. 

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

have you tried magnesium? 

I eat foods with magnesium but need more green leafy veggies. I am probably too low on Vit D but because of the Sarcoidosis, I can't go helping myself to OTC Vit D. Sarc causes malabsorbtion of Vit D and too much will cause damage. A blood test will tell the doctor how much I need and will prescribed Vit D3. It gets so complicated. But I will be making an appointment soon to see my Rheumatologist and get back on track. Well, I say soon but with specialists it can be a while before they have anything available. But at least my doc has experience with treating Sarcoidosis. It is so rare that most docs won't see even one case of it during their career. My doc has treated 3-4 cases of it so I lucked out with him. 

[Jemiga70]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

When I reached one year it felt like a survival milestone, so here's a trophy for you! 

Thank you so much @KayC.  Thank you to everyone here who's posted and whose stories I have empathised with over the past year.  You have all brought me comfort in spite of our tragedies. Forward we go, even if we don't want to.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, KayC said:

have you tried magnesium?  Dissolve the flakes in some water and spray on.  Edema is hard, I had that after George died.  They told me years ago no salt, went 38 years without it until I learned different, now I have himalayan salt and have no edema.

I sometimes have restless legs and occasionally get woken up by severe cramps in my calves.  A friend gave me a magnesium-mineral salt spray for it.  Boy does it help!  I have to remember to just use a bit because the natural oils in it take a bit to soak in but the effects are almost immediate.  I sometimes take a half magnesium before bedtime.

High quality Himalayan pink salt (as well as Bolivian Andes rose and a few other mineral salts) are exactly what most of us need.  Of course we know that salt isn't bad per se and we do need some, but it matters how much and what kind.  The best mineral salts are actually only about 80% sodium with the rest being the various minerals in different concentrations.  It balances our electrolytes naturally, gives our bodies minerals that we need, and frankly, makes food taste better when used judiciously. 

One of my friends mentioned that one of her other friends keeps a small container of large grain Himalayan pink in her car for when she starts to feel fatigued or gets muscle cramps.  She dissolves one grain in her mouth and swears it helps.  So I gave my friend a container for her car.  Sure enough, she finds that one single grain can really help.  Now she has a salt grinder with it that she mixes with regular iodized salt in small quantities for the iodine and various sea salts for their flavor.  She's using half the salt she was, enjoying her food more, and feels so much better.

I talked to my doctors and they agree that adding mineral salts into our diet really helps with edema, muscle cramps, and insomnia.

[tnd]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

sometimes have restless legs and occasionally get woken up by severe cramps in my calves. 

Tonic water with quinine in it stops a cramp within seconds/minutes. It may not prevent cramps but works very fast when you have one. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, tnd said:

is maybe the other dog rolling him?

No, she bites him and carries/drags him around the yard!  The scabs are from her teeth.  Mike (Iris' husband) told me not to come back (if I don't like it)!  Hmm, they'd miss me every time they want me to take care of her (next month)!  I told Iris yesterday what he'd said, I think she was surprised as I was, I thought it very callous and uncaring.  The dogs love each other, no idea what prompts her to do that, but it makes me feel I'm sending him into the lion's den!  On the other hand, going there is the highlight of his day!  We're kiind of in a no-win situation.  They're going to be gone 10 days this month, perhaps I'll find another dog friend for him to play with.

 

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

High quality Himalayan pink salt (as well as Bolivian Andes rose and a few other mineral salts) are exactly what most of us need. 

This is what I use.  I also take magnesium with my meals (Bisglycinate, there's different kinds), some kinds aren't absorbed into our bodies so it's pouring $ down the drain.  It helps with my diabetes.  But I have the flakes/spray on hand when necessary too.

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

adding mineral salts into our diet really helps with edema, muscle cramps, and insomnia.

Hmm, no wonder!

 

[tnd]

GRRRR!!! I am pretty ticked off at the moment....sorry, gotta vent....I ordered groceries and they are sitting outside in the hot sun because some idiot locked the dead bolt lock on the storm door. And guess what? I don't have a key! And there is also burglar bars over the door. I've been locked OUT before but never locked In. Go figure. And I've got about $36 in refrigerated food sitting there spoiling now. I've called and texted Fran an hour ago ..nothing. I so look forward to the day that I can have food and eat like a normal person!