Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life

[tnd]

Had a rough nite last nite (lots of anger and frustration) so got back up and posted a short while and watched TV. Laid back down at 5am. Haven't slept. Then this morning I had to deal with MORE moodiness and wickedness around here. Directed at me. Oh well. I don't care. I just don't care. I'm going to hang in there because I want to and little piss-ants aren't going to scare me. Perhaps I am toughening up. I don't know how long it might be waiting for an apartment I can afford but nothing and no one can hurt me. I'm on the homestretch and if it's not soon enough for some or they think that they can treat me like crap, they can go take a long walk off a short pier. 

[John9]

1 minute ago, tnd said:

Had a rough nite last nite (lots of anger and frustration) so got back up and posted a short while and watched TV. Laid back down at 5am. Haven't slept. Then this morning I had to deal with MORE moodiness and wickedness around here. Directed at me. Oh well. I don't care. I just don't care. I'm going to hang in there because I want to and little piss-ants aren't going to scare me. Perhaps I am toughening up. I don't know how long it might be waiting for an apartment I can afford but nothing and no one can hurt me. I'm on the homestretch and if it's not soon enough for some or they think that they can treat me like crap, they can go take a long walk off a short pier. 

tnd,

That is the fighting spirit that is going to get you through this stage at least. I am glad you are feeling "tougher" about the situation but I hate you are still stuck there also. I am always thinking of you and still hoping you get your own place soon so you can enjoy that coffee with peace of mind and your private conversations with your husband and the cats too.

[KayC]

@tnd  I am so sorry you're having to endure so much, I wish you were in your own place right now!  And I wish you had a cup of my coffee...

[tnd]

This is so hard to describe or explain but while I am grateful for not being on the streets, I am at the lowest of low points here and sick of being treated like crap. I am sick of lies and I am sick of people being wicked  -to me, to each other, to children and to their own pets. It is really hard to trust anyone now. I haven't slept and I'm exhausted. I keep to myself in this tiny room and decided I will only speak if needed. I pray I will get my own place soon but unless I find another affordable place with no waiting list, it could be (gulp) another month or two. 

I know that I can make it if I just keep the faith. I pray every morning, every night and in-between. I will be okay, just venting. I'm also feeling the effects of the oral chemo today so...but gosh darn, these people are the craziest I've ever encountered and maybe the most wicked. Certainly some very dark souls. Red flags are flying up everywhere now. But I've got to play it calm and cool until there's an opening at the apartment I've been eyeing. It's the only place in the area I can afford. If they don't like it, so what. They can't keep their own place in order let alone their own lives so I am not buying into their crap directed at me. I just have to keep in-mind that these are people who really aren't that smart or responsible as they'd like you to think and they are miserable and even more miserable to be around. BUT...I WILL make it out of here. 'Nuff said. 

[John9]

43 minutes ago, tnd said:

BUT...I WILL make it out of here. 'Nuff said. 

tnd,

I say again, you are strong and I believe in that strength and you need your own place for peace of mind. Hold on and stay strong.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

BUT...I WILL make it out of here.

Yes, you will.  Lots of prayers going out to you tonight.  Prayers for your safety and prayers for your future.

[KayC]

Oh tnd, I am so sorry.  It makes me want to come rescue you and bring you home but I also know you couldn't do the trip and life is hard here...we're in la nina and it's not looking good for this winter..

If by chance I suddenly go dark, it's because we've lost power.  I don't know what will happen this winter but I hope it's not a repeat of the Feb/Mar 2019 snowpocalypse.

Praying for you continually...

[Roxeanne]

I am so sorry Tnd...i can't believe that a family who seemed so compassionate actually is so awful!

Hope you leave as soon as possible....take care of you and your cats!

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

If by chance I suddenly go dark, it's because we've lost power.  I don't know what will happen this winter but I hope it's not a repeat of the Feb/Mar 2019 snowpocalypse.

KayC:   Stay warm! And safe!! Hope you have firewood and food that doesn't need heating or refrigeration. I spent a couple years in Colorado and listened to people when they told me to keep a blanket and food in my pickup. Sure enough, there was a day that I had gone to Denver and despite the weather having been nice that morning, a raging blizzard hit early afternoon. People panicked at the shopping mall and made a fast mass exodus to their cars. Too late. Roads and highways were closed. I sat for a few hours on the side of the highway, only running my truck periodically to keep warm. Glad I had the food and blanket. Winter in some places, like where you are at can be harsh and unforgiving. But if you know how to prepare (and I am sure that you do), it can also be a beautiful winter wonderland to enjoy and you feel that it's there just for you. Kodie The Snow Dog is probably loving it. Better get out the towels and be ready to dry him off...

I am curious, do you have a wood stove inside? People will cook on those if needed. If I had to, I'd roast hot dogs in the fireplace. Get out the hot cocoa and marshmallows!     

[tnd]

After the rant I posted last nite I spent today thinking about my new place and more positive thoughts. If I can just stay focused I know I will make it out of here. I have no idea what my place will look like but if I rent the place I am eyeing, I do have a brochure that outlines the floorplan and square footage. It is a small one bedroom apartment with a total of 558 square feet. I've lived in smaller places and I've lived in larger ones. This place should be about right for me. Have no idea of the colors or the type of flooring, appliances or cupboards and countertops. I shouldn't need much but don't know what was packed and put into storage. I already know I need a new comforter for the bed. The one I had was worn out and torn so I had told Francis not to pack it. She gave it to her son, which is fine except that I see it all wadded up on his bed with all his other disgusting dirty stuff. He sleeps on a mattress on the floor with piles of junk all around. I think I would have rather thrown out my old comforter and given it a proper burial. Now it's just wadded up in disgust. Don't know why that bothers me, it just does. 

Over the years whenever I decorated, I always kept my husband in mind. I usually went with modern glam/neutral colors and stuff. Since it will only be myself now I think I will be more girly, maybe even do some of the floral look. I've been looking online and whoa! I never knew there could be 50 pages of comforters to choose from! I never used to shop online so I didn't know. Now I do. And I decided that from now on, I will not look at more than just a few pages. 

Thinking about my new place also makes me feel a little better. Keeps my mind off of stuff going on here. I need to surround myself with positive things. Before I married my husband, I used to have a framed giant-sized poster of the astronauts Aldrin and Armstrong on the moon. I had it hanging on my kitchen wall. I wanted it to be the first thing I saw in the morning because for me, it represented a glorious achievement and happy occasion. It was full of life and made me feel alive just looking at it. Don't know where it disappeared to but I think I want that poster again. I know that probably not a lot of people have posters of astronauts on their kitchen wall, let alone a middle-aged woman but when I look at it online, it still gives me that good feeling. And I want to feel that way when I wake up in my new place. So, I spent the day thinking of all kinds of ways that I can fix my new place up to make it give off positive vibes and that, I must admit, helped me through the day. Had a little dinner and now going to nap before "TV time" with my cats. All is good if I let it be. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

do you have a wood stove inside?

Yes, that's my sole source of heat and yes you can remove the outer top to cook on it, although it's a bit heavy for me now that I've lost my strength, can do it when it's cold, but not while it's running/hot.

I always keep a blanket in my car although because of mice do not keep food in my car.  I have bottled water there.  Perhaps I should add a jar of peanut butter...food attracts critters and they can chew through anything...cars, wiring, etc.

Yesterday Iris warned me the same bear cub that was at their place is at their neighbor's.  No sign of mama.  Game commission would not do anything.  We think something happened to the mom and the bear is on it's own.  I talked with Iris about maybe it's not a good time for a compost pile...I would never have one because of this very thing, they attract wildlife.  Scary if you have dogs and children!

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

Get out the hot cocoa and marshmallows!     

Cannot have, I eat very strict to control my diabetes, and stave off dementia, heart trouble, etc.

13 hours ago, tnd said:

I never used to shop online so I didn't know. Now I do. And I decided that from now on, I will not look at more than just a few pages. 

Haha, I joined MorningSave.com and had to discontinue within a month, they bombarded me with ads and tons of "stuff" for sale!  I decided not to even look anymore as I got sucked in for a few things, can't afford to continue!  I usually only buy something I need, I started out by getting a set of ceramic knives, mine were so dull I couldn't cut with them.  After I got them my son finally sharpened mine and said he'd never seen more dull knives!  So I have a backup when mine get dull.

I also got a new hand mixer, my one from 1976 still works but this one is better...kept the old one for a back up as they don't make things like they used to!

I hope you find a comforter you like!  Gosh I wish you had a phone!  Are you waiting until you get your own place to sign up for the gov't freebie?  I'd sure feel better if you had one.

13 hours ago, tnd said:

Don't know where it disappeared to but I think I want that poster again.

Then you should have one.  If a poster can make us feel good, you should have it!

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Yesterday Iris warned me the same bear cub that was at their place is at their neighbor's.  No sign of mama.

KayC:  That's right! You're in bear country! Have to be careful. In addition to not having a compost pile right now, maybe don't leave food in the car, either. Hopefully that cub is not orphaned, that would be sad. Keep a close eye out for mama. She may be feasting somewhere as a sort of last bite to eat before hibernation and the cub wandered off. If so, I'm sure she'll come for him.   

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Gosh I wish you had a phone!  Are you waiting until you get your own place to sign up for the gov't freebie? 

KayC:  I'm not 100% sure but apparently the govt phones don't have internet or you can't download an app like Uber ?? I need one to do email/text and to also call Uber for rides. I'm starting to beg Francis to take me to buy one. I know where to go and the prices/plans. 

The apartment said that beginning Jan 1st, I can call every day to check if I can be placed on the waiting list (so need a phone for that too). Their waiting list is too long at the moment so they aren't taking applications. Hopefully tho, they will know of something becoming available and I can go apply and pay all the fees/deposit, whatever they want and maybe this would move me up the list. 

Meanwhile, Francis said that her husband told her that if this apartment can't give me good news by Jan 15th, I need to look elsewhere. In other words, he wants me out. Francis and her husband had a fight over this. He says he doesn't like my cats being in the house. Well, Francis has 2 cats herself and a small dog indoors. She says he hates them and is mean to them. My cats stay in the room and I keep their box clean but what gets me, is that this is a man who is greasy, filthy and does nothing for Francis around here, not even yard work and does not practice hygiene when around or preparing food. And yet the pissant jerk complains that cats are dirty animals. Well, he's a dirty animal! 

Anyways, he not only wants Francis' son out but me too. Francis has been married 4 times and her son is from hubby #3. Hubby #4 hates him. Actually, they all seem to hate each other around here. I don't know what I've done/said to be disliked. I am paying for their groceries. I stay in my room and certainly don't talk to him because he doesn't talk. I give them their privacy for family time. He is very very weird. He comes home from work, sits on the edge of his bed with his mouth hanging open as if to be mesmerized by listening to some pastor read scripture on TV. Some Christian he is tho! He is not nice. He has a past. Perhaps Francis shared TMI with me, I am not getting in the middle of things but this man is nothing but a pissant jerk with a shady past.  

I figure that until something affordable becomes available for me, I've got to stay right here until one does. I hate the thought but what else can I do? By looking around the house and yard, it sure doesn't look to me that this man's concerns are with being neat and orderly or with cleanliness. I am not going to be scared off and put under pressure by this jerk. Francis says this is her house, she bought it before marrying him and paid off the mortgage with no help from him. So if he wants me gone, he has to go thru her otherwise, I'm not moving until I have an apartment that I can afford. 

Sorry for the rant but I'm okay. Just a little irked.  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

Hopefully that cub is not orphaned, that would be sad.

None of us have seen the mom, I fear it is orphaned and looking for food, I'm upset the game commission won't even check it out.  Letting "nature take its course seems like letting it die unnecessarily, this is not a good time of year for it to be on it's own so young.

Kodie got sick Sun. from eating meat/veg thrown in Iris' compost pile.  He threw up a lot Sun.  He ate normal Mon.  Tues. didn't eat again and threw up more of the same last night, getting worried about him.  Horrid roads today, tomorrow am dental appt in the valley.  Today snow to the valley floor, extreme ice, wrecks.  Wouldn't you know.  I'm worried about my baby.

13 hours ago, tnd said:

In other words, he wants me out

And that's a good sign that she will try to help you find one!  They won't dump you out in the cold.  You need a phone to even make calls!!!  You could call local churches and get some help from them in finding a place.

It sounds like Francis needs to learn what I have learned, that you don't NEED a man, don't marry one just to settle, know your qualities/stipulations and set your bar high!  The WORST thing in the world is not being alone, the worst thing in the world is being with the WRONG person!  I learned that the hard way.  I married four times, one a monster/abuser/cheater, longest marriage to a cold lying hypocrite (my kids' dad), one a con that never lived with me, the ONLY one that ever loved me was GEORGE!  I was lucky to have found him and had him in my life, albeit too short.  I've had two broken engagements besides...one with commitment phobia when I was in my 20s (he never did marry), one who broke up when his mom was dying, a good man but I've learned that is a classic grief response.  George was my one and only soulmate though and I miss him still, even after all these years.  I've lived alone for 16 years, it can be done...wasn't my preference but it is what it is.  

[John9]

16 hours ago, tnd said:

Sorry for the rant but I'm okay. Just a little irked. 

tnd,

Trust me I understand and you have every right to rant and whatever else you want to do. I just hope that you are able to get out soon, not because he said so but because that is what you need for your sanity. I think we have discussed the concept of misdirected anger and such before and he sounds like a classic example.

[tnd]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Kodie got sick Sun. from eating meat/veg thrown in Iris' compost pile. 

KayC:  I hope Kodie is recovering now and staying hydrated. He may have lost a lot of fluid from being sick. Poor baby. Yeah, sometimes when they eat something they aren't used to or food that has spoiled they will get sick. 

 

10 hours ago, KayC said:

You could call local churches and get some help from them in finding a place.

That's how I ended up here. Don't know if I would go that route again. At least not for a long time. 

 

10 hours ago, KayC said:

The WORST thing in the world is not being alone, the worst thing in the world is being with the WRONG person! 

You can say that again! My first husband was a very bad man. I definitely would rather be alone than to be with someone who is evil and sucks the life out of you. My late husband was a nice man, very caring towards me and to others. We could have lasted many many more years. I was lucky I guess to get the 14. I am glad that I have at least experienced the love and happiness that goes with marrying the right person. We were married 14 years but it was like I had known him my whole life. He was "my old shoe". 

[tnd]

Tension around here just went up a notch. Now Francis' oldest son has moved in. He's sleeping in the living room. His wife kicked him out a few weeks ago and I don't know if he works or not but now he's here and the fighting has begun. Francis' husband isn't liking it. She isn't liking.it. Going to be quite a Christmas this year. I already know I won't have my own place yet by then but when I do, just the peace and quiet will be nice. My cats hear the fighting and they run and hide. Well, as much as they can hide in a tiny room. Wish I was the size and could do the same. I don't think my husband would believe any of what's happened.  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I am sorry for you that the situation is so difficult.  I am sorry for Francis too.  

I am praying that very soon you will be able to move into a place of your own. 

Gail

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

He may have lost a lot of fluid from being sick.

I made some homemade soup and gave him some, that seemed to help.  He ate Mon. but not Tues. and threw up Sun. and Tues. eve.   Last night he ate most of his dogfood and seemed well when him and Jazzy played, they got together twice yesterday, I limited it to 1/2 hour both times.  Hoping he's over the worst of it.  No vets available, all booked up, roads at their worst this week, esp. yesterday.  Today I have a dental appt in the valley, will be gone 8:45 to 2:30 and will let him rest and home and then take him to play with Jazzy.  Iris said she told her daughter not to put meat on the compost pile again!

14 hours ago, tnd said:

On 12/15/2021 at 6:12 AM, KayC said:

You could call local churches and get some help from them in finding a place.

That's how I ended up here. Don't know if I would go that route again. At least not for a long time. 

I don't mean to stay with someone, I mean someone who could help you FIND an apt and move into it!  Gosh, our church would have it handled already and we're just a little church but very caring family.  I thought Frances was someone you knew from your dentist office?

14 hours ago, tnd said:

On 12/15/2021 at 6:12 AM, KayC said:

The WORST thing in the world is not being alone, the worst thing in the world is being with the WRONG person! 

You can say that again! My first husband was a very bad man. I definitely would rather be alone than to be with someone who is evil and sucks the life out of you.

Yup, been there!

What you are living right now ranks right up there with the "worst" except no one is beating on you and threatening your life (been there).  I can't wait until you are moved!  The place is unreal.  Their situation will continue until Frances stops enabling her grown children and lets them fend for themselves.  Sleeping in their car might teach them to try harder to get a job/work/find their own way.  They're young and able bodied, this is insane.  Makes me so proud of my kids!

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't mean to stay with someone, I mean someone who could help you FIND an apt and move into it!  Gosh, our church would have it handled already and we're just a little church but very caring family.  I thought Frances was someone you knew from your dentist office?

KayC:  I had contacted her at the dentist because I remembered she always spoke very fondly of her church. I was hoping she could give me the name/number but instead, she contacted me. She said because of Covid the church was no longer meeting and only doing services via Zoom. That probably explains why other churches I had emailed never answered....no one in their office. 

Glad Kodie is doing better. Hope he continues to improve. Homemade soup for the little fella? He must've loved that!  Yeah, meat on the compost probably made him sick. Glad your neighbor won't be doing that anymore. And you don't want to attract bears or mountain lions or other critters. Meat would be a treat for them.  

 

[John9]

On 12/15/2021 at 7:38 PM, tnd said:

My first husband was a very bad man. I definitely would rather be alone than to be with someone who is evil and sucks the life out of you.

tnd,

Are you  sure you weren't married to my "father" He wasn't a good father or husband (too many times) I am sorry that anyone in any relationship is not respected or treated correctly. It just makes me wonder why so much bad is allowed and the good ones are taken too soon. I know it isn't a question that will ever have the answer that I would want just saying. I don't know what to say except what I have said I hope you get out as soon as possible since it is getting worse. Hopefully you will be able to get into an apartment soon.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

Are you  sure you weren't married to my "father" He wasn't a good father or husband (too many times) I am sorry that anyone in any relationship is not respected or treated correctly. It just makes me wonder why so much bad is allowed and the good ones are taken too soon.

John9:  My first husband was finally put into "the big house" and I helped put him there. He has continued to be incarcerated in several states for many years now. THAT is how bad he is. Why my late husband was taken so soon I just do not understand. But he suffered during his last year. I mean really really suffered. He's at peace now with our Lord and he deserves to be. It is me that has a problem with it, not him. And while nothing and no one can replace him, I can only hope that at some point I will be able to enjoy some sort of life again until my own passing. 

That's partly why it is hard being in this house right now. These people don't seem to know how precious life is or how to be grateful. I watch and I listen and it's like crying over spilled milk. They are wasting their lives being the way they are -miserable. Things are not going to get better unless we put forth the effort. I am personally trying my darndest to accept and live with the hand I was dealt with. I am slowly getting there. I'm not wasting time on stupid stuff or doing stupid things. These morons here kind of make me sad. They are wasting their lives. 

[John9]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

These people don't seem to know how precious life is or how to be grateful.

tnd,

This statement is something that does bother me about what I am going through, I know how precious life is and how hard true love is to find and have and hold. To lose it and see others act the way the way they do is so hard to deal with. It just brings up the why again. Not only the why my loving wife was taken but the why of the wicked still being here to make life bad for others. I know this is a timeless question that has been asked forever, why do good people have to suffer and bad people seem to thrive. I am just venting again.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, tnd said:

My first husband was finally put into "the big house" and I helped put him there. He has continued to be incarcerated in several states for many years now. THAT is how bad he is.

My first one was a monster.  I lived in terror of him.  It wasn't until I was willing to risk being dead than continue like that that I risked leaving.  He went to prison later on, I think he's been married 8 times at least now, was horrific to us all except maybe his current one as she hasn't left yet.  Never supported his children...mine he beat out of me.  He never went two weeks without beating me in six years.  I hope to never see him again.  He stalked me after I married my kids' dad.  

George meant the world to me, he was everything.  Literally.

[John9]

8 minutes ago, KayC said:

George meant the world to me, he was everything.  Literally.

KayC,

I totally understand the comment, even though I can't identify with the spousal abuse portion of the post except from the children part. As I said my father was not a good man, not sure if he beat my Mother as I was too young when she died, but I suspect he did. Just don't understand people.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, John9 said:

I know this is a timeless question that has been asked forever, why do good people have to suffer and bad people seem to thrive. I am just venting again.

John9:  I not only wish I knew the answer to that question, but I wonder what purpose these miserable people think they serve. They don't like anyone, they certainly don't love anyone, and they don't care about those around them. Those of us on this site including you, all had a purpose and that was with our loved ones. Now we are trying to figure out just how to survive without them. As far as I look at it, we are the winners because we came to this site for help. I think the miserable ones I speak of don't care to get help because they have learned how to skate by in life being the lowlife's that they are. They are the losers. We may be grieving but at least we are reaching for some answers to make our lives better. 

[tnd]

Still no phone today. We were supposed to leave by 9am. The older son who has now moved in needed a ride to retrieve some of his belongings that didn't fit in his backpack. He had them hidden under a wood pile at a vacant building. We were to go there first and then to the phone store. I got up but nobody else did. Everyone was still asleep. So, I returned to my tiny room. Just not going to happen today. I'm not surprised. 

I took a nap this afternoon and actually had a dream about my husband. He was laughing and smiling, and we were together driving somewhere I think. Was good to see his face.   

 

 

[John9]

20 minutes ago, tnd said:

I took a nap this afternoon and actually had a dream about my husband. He was laughing and smiling, and we were together driving somewhere I think. Was good to see his face. 

tnd,

Maybe he was telling you that he is there to help you still. I sadly don't seem to have any dreams about my loving wife and I haven't seen any signs either. I am still just trying to do what I can it is just so hard. I hope you get your phone so you don't have to worry about that and one less thing to rely on Francis for. And one step closer to getting some sort of peace AND quiet.

[tnd]

7 minutes ago, John9 said:

Maybe he was telling you that he is there to help you still. I sadly don't seem to have any dreams about my loving wife

John9:  Of course, I've been thinking about him a lot but especially when things get whacky around here. Maybe that's why he showed up in my dream. I do kind of get the feeling that he wants to help me. I know he would if he could...

Give it time. Your wife will probably come to you soon. Maybe when you are relaxed. After I got up this morning I had guessed that I was not getting a phone today. So when I took a nap I was relaxed because none of this morning was surprising to me. Or else I am lowering my expectations.     

[John9]

30 minutes ago, tnd said:

Or else I am lowering my expectations.   

tnd,

From what I know and it is only obviously from what you said you are a realist like I am. You can obviously read people and take your cues from them and the way they act and react. If you were not staying in that house with those people you would probably avoid them. But also it shows that you don't really know people from short brief dealings. I tried to give people the benefit of the doubt because you never know what happens in their private life but WOW.

[KayC]

Kodie threw up again last night. I can watch the compost pile but Jazzy has drug rotten food into the bushes and they get into it when I can see/reach them!  She doesn't get sick, being bigger, but he does.  I tried to get him into the vet or animal hospital but they're all full.  I fixed chicken/rice for him and will keep him home today.  This is heartbreaking, he's going to be so sad.  Why can't they just cover it!  Even a sheet would help.

My BP is up, likely from worrying about him.

@tnd I'm sorry that once again these people let you down.    I wish a church would step in and help you..  You need someone to, they're not doing it.  What a crazy family, so full of dysfunction.  It's hard to believe this is some people's normal!  When I was in my first marriage one of the neighbors commented they were going to cancel cable tv, put their chairs out on the lawn and watch our house.  Sounds like your neighbors could say the same.  It's hard to be in that for long... 

I'm glad you got your dream.  You need it.  John, I'm sorry you're not getting them, I didn't either, either that or I'm too deep sleep to remember them when I wake up.  I'm on a sleeping pill now but the first half of this journey I wasn't.  I got a dream a year after he died but it wasn't comforting, more upsetting.  I'd love to have one where he just visited me, held me.

[foreverhis]

Oh Kay, I am so upset for you and Kodie. It would be heartbreaking not to be able to let him play with Jazzy, but his health is more important. You’re right. Why can’t they cover it? It really can’t be good for Jazzy either, larger won’t be enough of a difference over time.

Praying for you both.((HUGS))

[KayC]

I ended up taking him for a short while but watched them like a hawk, he thinks I'm starving him because I can't give him the "last bite" but he loves the chicken/rice/yogurt/pumpkin mixture I have him on.  Will have to make him some more tomorrow I think.  I gave him 1/4 c. four times/day.  He's not used to not having dog food out to graze on.

Will know more when I see his stools today...I hate worrying about my dog, been through this too many times with Arlie!  He had acute chronic Colitis his whole life, it didn't take anything to set it off, I had to control it with diet and supplements, I have Kodie on Probios also now.

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I ended up taking him for a short while but watched them like a hawk, he thinks I'm starving him because I can't give him the "last bite"

KayC,

Hopefully Kodie is going to be okay. My loving wife used to give what she called "fake bites" just letting them lick her fingers. I know it's hard but we do what we do for love. I woke up early this morning to go to the bathroom and was very dizzy had to lay back down. Finally was able to make it to bathroom and went to bed for a few more hours but when i got up I was still off. I tried to see if I could sit but had to go back to bed. I got up after awhile and I am a little better but still not right. Might be a neck issue because when I lean back all is good but when forward off. I am going to do less than nothing today and see how it goes. How I miss my loving wife (nurse).

[KayC]

I hope you'll get that checked out!  So hard to know what is going on and what we should be concerned about...

Had to cook a batch for Kodie again this morning, managed to make a huge mess in the kitchen twice before 6 am!  That's a record even for me.

Two feet of snow coming before/on Christmas, guess I'll have my work cut out for me.  No end in sight...scary.  Doubt the plows will come as there's no school.

[Michael M]

21 hours ago, John9 said:

I woke up early this morning to go to the bathroom and was very dizzy had to lay back down. Finally was able to make it to bathroom and went to bed for a few more hours but when i got up I was still off. I tried to see if I could sit but had to go back to bed. I got up after awhile and I am a little better but still not right. Might be a neck issue because when I lean back all is good but when forward off. I am going to do less than nothing today and see how it goes. How I miss my loving wife (nurse).

Feel around your neck to see if it's puffy.  It could be inflammation which in me causes pinched nerves sometimes.   This can make me dizzy.  Ice is good for inflammation.   Also my therapist told me that people grieving often get inflammation.  Your body is stressed.

[Carol34]

59 minutes ago, KayC said:

Two feet of snow coming before/on Christmas, guess I'll have my work cut out for me.  No end in sight...scary.  Doubt the plows will come as there's no school.

Yikes!  I do not envy you that weather report!  My daughter sent me a picture of Mt. Rainier that she took while stuck in a traffic jam the other day.  It's beautiful, all covered in snow.  But I'd be happy if the snow bypassed Ohio for the whole winter!  I keep my pantry stocked, just in case, but I haven't faced a big snow by myself yet. I told my son the other day that I looked in the garage, but apparently Paul sold the snow shovel when he had his big tool sale after the diagnosis.  He assured me he'll come over and shovel when it snows.  But, he has his own house, 20 mins away, and a job.  So, I might buy a shovel the next time I go to the store...just in case.   Stay safe!

[John9]

2 hours ago, Michael M said:

Feel around your neck to see if it's puffy.  It could be inflammation which in me causes pinched nerves sometimes.   This can make me dizzy.  Ice is good for inflammation.   Also my therapist told me that people grieving often get inflammation.  Your body is stressed.

Michael M,

Thank you, If you read one of my other posts my body has been under stress for over 12 years that has just kept escalating and doesn't seem to want to end. I have had herniated discs before and am not looking forward to that possibility.

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I hope you'll get that checked out!  So hard to know what is going on and what we should be concerned about...

Had to cook a batch for Kodie again this morning, managed to make a huge mess in the kitchen twice before 6 am!  That's a record even for me.

Two feet of snow coming before/on Christmas, guess I'll have my work cut out for me.  No end in sight...scary.  Doubt the plows will come as there's no school.

KayC,

Thank you, I am better today just a little off, I went out to pick up some groceries today and I didn't want to be there but I seemed fine. Sorry that the dish fairy who cleaned for my loving wife can't clean your kitchen. Our son made dinner yesterday but I didn't feel like eating and I cleaned his mess this morning because I said if he cooked I would do that because that is what I did. Hopefully Kodie tells you how much he loves the home cooked meals. I dread the snow because my snowblower conked out last year and the repair guy never got around to fixing it and when my loving wife died I wasn't too worried about it because I didn't need to clear the driveway for her. I have no real reason to but now that our son is here we will see how this works out.

[Michael M]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

Michael M,

Thank you, If you read one of my other posts my body has been under stress for over 12 years that has just kept escalating and doesn't seem to want to end. I have had herniated discs before and am not looking forward to that possibility.

I have a home traction kit that helps as well.  Surgeon has me use to so I don't have to have the knife.

[tnd]

Well, I made it through another weekend! It was a nitemare and the tension here is so thick you could cut it with a knife but no matter. I pretty much just stay in my room now to avoid trouble and the fighting. I will say that things have deteriorated.  I have been through a lot in my life but never anything quite like this. But I don't want to waste time trying to figure it out. Been there, done that and I don't intend to have to figure people out anymore or to help "fix them".

Once I get my own place, I want to focus on ways I can enjoy life. You could say that is what is keeping me going right now. I think about what my place may look like, how I will fix it up, cooking and what I will cook and heck, I even think about taking a nice long hot bubble bath! In a clean tub!! Been ages since I've been able to do that. I still have to shower with the chair but am finally able to stand most of the time. I just use the shower chair now to lean over for a rest. So, this got me thinking of a bubble bath and how to get up and out of a tub on my own. Now, before you conjure up a picture in your mind of a poor disabled woman let me remind you, finding ways to do things for myself are achievements and makes me very happy. I may not be able to do all the things I used to and I am without my husband who of course always helped me BUT, I am not helpless either. I can still find ways to enjoy life. Life has changed and I've got to change with it. For the most part, I have accepted that. There are a lot of negative hurtful things going on here but I prefer to see past all this and towards a life of my own. I am going to do this! 

 

 

 

[John9]

36 minutes ago, tnd said:

I am going to do this! 

tnd,

I believe you will. My loving wife and I used to bathe in our large garden tub and the one issue she had and worried about was getting in and out of it. When MIL first moved in my loving wife tried to let her use the tub and it was a fiasco so it put a fear into her about getting older and not being able to do it anymore. Sadly no longer an issue for her and another memory gone wrong for me. I think the plans you have are a good goal and one to aspire to. I know the goal post keeps moving for us and it makes life harder but YOU will survive and hopefully thrive after all of what you are going through.

[tnd]

13 minutes ago, John9 said:

I know the goal post keeps moving for us and it makes life harder but YOU will survive and hopefully thrive after all of what you are going through.

John9:  Thanks. I know life will always be hard but some people (like the creatures living here) seem intent on making things harder on themselves and for everyone around them. Those of us on this site are suffering an awful loss. The worst possible thing that can happen. But we are here sharing our stories, talking through our grief and trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other to move forward. We are all trying to hang on and that is actually somewhat of a positive thing. But as sad as our grief is, there is nothing sadder than people wasting their lives on being angry with each other and doing the "tit for tat" game.

I've always believed that we are responsible for our own happiness and if you are unhappy with something that you can change, then change it. Not all changes can be done overnite, some take a long time but, if something can be changed then change it. These people in this house did not or could not have gotten the way they are overnite so they probably can't change that quickly either. But all the hate, anger and downright wickedness is awful and for the time being, I'm stuck in it. I am even a target. But I am now doing all I can to tune it out and think of greener pastures. Hopefully in the near future! 

With all the smiles of my husband, I am going to be alright. 

 

[John9]

9 minutes ago, tnd said:

I've always believed that we are responsible for our own happiness and if you are unhappy with something that you can change, then change it. Not all changes can be done overnite, some take a long time but, if something can be changed then change it. These people in this house did not or could not have gotten the way they are overnite so they probably can't change that quickly either. But all the hate, anger and downright wickedness is awful and for the time being, I'm stuck in it. I am even a target. But I am now doing all I can to tune it out and think of greener pastures. Hopefully in the near future! 

tnd,

I believe what you are saying is what my loving wife was going through when I first met her, she was never at her Mothers and step-fathers house unless she had to be. They both drank and apparently had some real knock-down drag out fights. We both told MIL that she wasn't allowed near our son if she drank and then she started coming over every other weekend and staying on Saturdays and Sundays so she couldn't drink and then spending more time at work. After her husband died she quit drinking bur sadly the damage to her brain and body was already set in stone and I believe hastened her dementia. I said and will say my loving wife and I were not perfect we had flaws but we were perfect for each other and we were in a very good place and looking towards a long quiet future together. And that is what I mean by moving the goal post and now I am heading to it all alone and it still moves. I still put one foot in front of the other and trudge on but it is very hard as you are aware. But yes we come here for support because we need it and people who are continuing to do the same things over and over are setting themselves up for continued failure. I again am sorry you are stuck in that mess and keep hoping for a quicker solution to your own apartment soon soon soon.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I still put one foot in front of the other and trudge on but it is very hard as you are aware. But yes we come here for support because we need it and people who are continuing to do the same things over and over are setting themselves up for continued failure.

John9:   Here we are, hurting from the worst wound but reaching out to people by coming here and that is a very positive thing, especially given our grief. May not seem "positive" but it is and we certainly aren't negative and out to destroy ourselves or those around us. So I guess I don't understand why people who have much to be thankful and happy for are wasting their lives on such ugliness. Perhaps it is in their gene pool.  

[tnd]

Gong to be another long night here. *sigh*  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I am so sorry that this living arrangement has become so bad.  You have a great attitude,  and like John9, I do think you are going to make it to a place of your own.  I am praying everyday for you to get that apartment soon! 

Sending you strength to get through these next few weeks. Hopefully, after the holidays the drama level will go down.  

Gail

 

[KayC]

On 12/20/2021 at 9:01 AM, cmp34 said:

But I'd be happy if the snow bypassed Ohio for the whole winter!

Me too, they need it in the higher elevations, but we do not need it here (2,500 feet)!  I keep snow shovels on my patio, also a generator  but can only run it a few hours/day, can lose internet any time, phone  and elec. too and with it, water!  Winters are hard here, esp. growing old alone.

 

22 hours ago, John9 said:

I dread the snow because my snowblower conked out last year and the repair guy never got around to fixing it

I had my yard guy blow the muck off my paved driveway last night but alas he did the gravel one too, I have to be explicit with him, no common sense, hard lesson.  Not a good time to order gravel with snow coming and no idea how I'll spread it!  Costs hundreds of dollars too.  Sigh... 

19 hours ago, tnd said:

I don't intend to have to figure people out anymore or to help "fix them".

We can't anyway, they can only help themselves, a hard lesson I've learned from experience.   I'll be shouting hallelujah when you're in your own place!

18 hours ago, tnd said:

With all the smiles of my husband, I am going to be alright. 

Keep thinking those positive affirmations!

John, I'm so sorry you have so much pain!

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I had my yard guy blow the muck off my paved driveway last night but alas he did the gravel one too, I have to be explicit with him, no common sense, hard lesson.  Not a good time to order gravel with snow coming and no idea how I'll spread it!  Costs hundreds of dollars too.  Sigh... 

KayC,

We had a gravel driveway for years and boy was my loving wife happy when I finally got it paved. Yes the yearly gravel was a pain in the butt and spreading it was hard even with my tractor. Company who paved it was shady at best and I have to do a lot of maintenance to keep it functional and I failed that too this year. But yes snowblowers and gravel don't go well together. We live on a county road and when the plow goes by and does the shoulder they scrape down to the mud and throw rocks everywhere into the grass and.....Thank you for the comment about my pain too.