Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life

[tnd]

Sorry for the rant yesterday but you know how it goes; better to rant than to explode or break something. No point in holding it in, right? Well, needing to make myself feel better I thought about it. How can I step back away from the edge and put this dumpster fire out? Then it came to me! This may sound lame but when you think about it, it's  true; I am 58 years old and getting locked indoors (opposed to being locked out) has only happened to me once. ONCE in 58 years!! That's not bad. Heck, some would even say I am lucky. Okay, so maybe I won't go so far and say that but still, ONCE in 58 years! Woo-Hoo!! I reordered the 😆food for later today. BTW, if you are wondering why I just didn't go out the back door and then around to the front, I had 2 reasons; two German Shepherds and they bite. I wasn't about to push my luck. 

[KayC]

I'm so sorry you lost your food due to someone else's thoughtless, they should pay for the having to reorder, but then these people don't seem to do anything like regular people do.

[tnd]

I was told today to stop being so negative. Fran told me that after I told her that I hope she didn't over-do things today. She painted all the walls and ceiling in her living room and then planted some flowers in her garden. (she's Bipolar and sometimes hyperactive). She also has a bad back and is always complaining about it. Her barking at me (after she'd been barking at others) is an example of me not wanting to help or care for people anymore. Guess I will just ignore her aches and pains tomorrow. 

[foreverhis]

@tnd  I swear to goodness that some people aren't "happy" unless they are miserable and angry--and trying to make everyone else feel the same.  It's like another person feeling upset or frustrated or depressed makes them feel good or better.

Yup, just ignore her aches and pains.  Your concern is obviously not wanted, so keep your comfort, care, and good feelings for yourself and your cats.  You deserve to have love and support, not anger and frankly, nastiness.((HUGS))

[KayC]

I'd ignore her, period.  Sounds like an unlovely place to be.  I'm so sorry.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Your concern is obviously not wanted, so keep your comfort, care, and good feelings for yourself and your cats.  You deserve to have love and support, not anger and frankly, nastiness.((HUGS))

Thank you! Just prior to her barking at everyone she complained about how bad her husband treats her and would probably berate her for the paint job she did. I've often witnessed him or will hear him yelling at her. He is hubby #4 and with the way she described the previous three, sounds like she has a pattern of being with abusive or irresponsible men. But then she takes it out on other people. Some of these people (me and surprisingly, one of her sons) want to help and be supportive of her. But 

I am getting tired of her snapping at me, as if I am the enemy. This is what I meant a while back when I said something about not wanting to deal with other people's problems. I've done that in the past and while I do care about people and with the exception of those on this site who are grieving, when I get my own place I want to start "doing" for "me" for a change. Life is too short ...

[DWS]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

 I've often witnessed him or will hear him yelling at her. He is hubby #4 and with the way she described the previous three, sounds like she has a pattern of being with abusive or irresponsible men.

Putting on my poor man's psychotherapist's cap but I'd say she's envious of the immense love you still carry for your husband. She's likely bewildered and totally pissed off that you were so lucky in life!

[tnd]

5 hours ago, DWS said:

She's likely bewildered and totally pissed off that you were so lucky in life!

Thanks, DWS, I needed that. She had a terrible childhood, no real guidance and was out on her own at a very young age. But we all have something from our childhoods, some worse than others. But I think once you become an adult, you can decide to get help or you can choose to stay miserable and in the process make those around you miserable. I'm not going to push her to get help or to talk. Maybe when I move out she will turn to me more as a friend but I'm not going to force it. I was especially hurt yesterday because she also used her 5 year old granddaughter to berate and embarrass me. That's pretty low to use a child like that. *sigh* When I get my own place it will be soo nice to live in an environment where it won't be toxic and I can be as happy as I want if I choose to be. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

She had a terrible childhood, no real guidance and was out on her own at a very young age.

This explains her poor choices in dealing with life/family...

15 hours ago, tnd said:

But I think once you become an adult, you can decide to get help or you can choose to stay miserable and in the process make those around you miserable.

Absolutely!  I had a mentally ill abusive mother, alcoholic father and horrific abusive first husband...but that cannot excuse us as adults!  It is up to us alone to make healthy decisions to help us learn from our experiences and grow!  I've had my share of counseling in life!  Self reflection, learning, growing, changing how we do do things going forward can't be stressed enough as important!  How we live today will be reflected in our future...I read something about that in my diabetes group this morning!  So true.

And no man is an island.  How we are affects others.

[KayC]

Here it is...

[tnd]

I've had a very very bad day. Didn't start out that way but things quickly went south. Not because I’m missing my husband and not because I am sick but because unfortunately, there are manic, hurtful and dangerous people in this world. 

[foreverhis]

@tnd  I am so worried for you.  Please, please try to take care of yourself.  If that means staying in your room for the most part, then do that.  But if things get worse, I urge you to reach out for help, to us or to a local church or even to the authorities if your situation becomes dangerous enough that you are in fear for your life.

We'll all be praying for you, especially hoping that you get that apartment very soon so you can get away from this toxic family, find some peace and quiet for you and your cats, and truly grieve as you make your way forward.  I'd say, "Be strong," but I know you are--you've had to be to make it this far.  You will be in my thoughts tonight.

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I echo Foreverhis words.  I know you are in a difficult situation, but I worry that you are being abused, physically, emotionally, psychologically. I hope you feel like you can call 911 to get help if you are in danger.  

Can you call the apartment where you are on the wait list and stress to them  the urgency of your need for housing?  You should not have to live in such fear. 

You are incredibly strong and resilient.  I admire how you have kept a positive attitude throughout this ordeal.

In difficult times my mother's mantra was "This too shall pass."  I pray that your time stuck in this house will soon come to an end and that you will have your own peaceful, safe place to make into your home. 

Gail

[tnd]

Imagine just waking up in the morning and still bleary-eyed and in your bed when someone bursts into the room with a gun. A few weeks ago, Fran kicked out one of her sons because of his drug use and for leaving his drugs in the wide-open in the house. Could you imagine if one of her grandchildren had gotten into them? Well, he came back this morning and brought a friend who is well known in the drug trade here and a known gang member. Fran has had trouble with him before. He's a scary dude. Fran took the week off to get some things done around the house. She was home this morning when she caught her son and "scary dude" picking the lock on the front door. When they wouldn't leave she warned them and got her gun. She ran into my room all frantic, telling me to listen and if I heard her yell, "Call 911" then to call the police. An argument then carried on at the front door and finally the two men left. Can't say the day was very peaceful after that. I am not anti-gun and in fact, think Fran did the right thing. However, I also think there are people who should not own a gun, Fran being one of them. She has a legal permit for it but she's Bipolar and not exactly what I'd describe as "stable". But wait, there's more...apparently her daughter is being kicked out of her apartment and Fran said I may have to move out now so her daughter can move in. Obviously, this did not bode well with me. I cried because if this happens, I will basically be right back where I started with nowhere to go. Fran apologized and said she isn't kicking me out. Say what?? I can't seem to have a normal conversation with her so don't know what to think. She was nice the rest of the day, which makes it all even more confusing. I retreated to my room after this and plan to do the same tomorrow. I'm exhausted. I needed to get all this out so thank you again for being here. 

[Roxeanne]

Tnd i don't have words...please take care of yourself in any way.

The situation is very dangerous for you, call the police if you need it

i'm so sorry you have to face that...a huge hug Roxi

[KayC]

I wish so much you'd call every church in town until you find ONE EMPATHETIC PERSON THAT WILL HELP YOU!  You desperately NEED a place of your own and need OUT of there for your own protection!  A year is enough, this is insane, I agree with you!  I'm so sorry...

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

wish so much you'd call every church in town until you find ONE EMPATHETIC PERSON THAT WILL HELP YOU! 

I already did that....not a single one replied. 

[tnd]

I just overheard that Fran's daughter has been evicted from her apartment (for a lease violation and failure to pay rent)  Apparently she is on her way over. With that being said, I do not know if/how this affects me and the room I pay Fran rent for. Yesterday she said I might have to live elsewhere but turned around and also said she won't kick me out. Very hard to have a conversation with her sometimes, much less get a straight answer.   So, if I don't post for a while it's because I am either working on a strategy for housing or I am on the go. Friends, please rest assured that I will be back. 😵

[John9]

54 minutes ago, tnd said:

 So, if I don't post for a while it's because I am either working on a strategy for housing or I am on the go. Friends, please rest assured that I will be back. 😵

tnd,

I have resisted commenting about your situation because I was afraid it might come out wrong with my broken brain. But I have to say that I still am hoping that this mess is resolved very soon for you. You don't deserve this and of course the fact you pay Francis at all should afford some peace for you. But it seems you are in an unwinnable situation. I hope I haven't put my foot in my mouth. But I am worried for you and you need this to be over and in your own place, and I know you want that as much as anyone here does. Sending you positive thoughts.

[Jemiga70]

9 hours ago, tnd said:

I already did that....not a single one replied. 

Please please please call them again until SOMEONE does reply!

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Please please please call them again until SOMEONE does reply!

I am appalled but I agree with Jemiga, please call again!  I cannot imagine this happening here in this sleepy little town, but that's why I live here.  I have here the sense of community and caring that seems to be lacking in some cities.  

We are worried about you!  Update us as soon as you can!  And if she tries to kick you out on the street with your cats, call the police!  You paid her rent $ and she can't legally do that, daughter or not.

[tnd]

I'm still here, if that means anything. Fran's daughter picked up the kids after work last night and left. I don't know if that means she  already has another place to stay or if she hasn't been evicted yet. Meanwhile, Fran's son told me that she is thinking of taking me to a hotel until her daughter finds another place to live. Well, I can't afford that and she knows it. Her son said he'd talk with her. She hasn't spoken to me since yesterday and it's already 2pm today. And that's how it usually goes, I'm never included in conversations and certainly not anyone's plans. I'm left finding out "as their plans unfold". I think I will just continue staying in my room today and the next and the next...etc. If they want me to go to a hotel, I'll just here. Won't say a word and just sit here. And if things ever get ugly, I can remind her of the grandchildren and how malnourished and mistreated they are and the gun in the house and the drugs. Also, her son who has turned over a new leaf is clean and sober. He passed a drug test and got a much better job now, no more fast food joints. He also eloped and married his girlfriend. They live with her parents now. Lol. But seriously, he's cleaned up his act. It's the other son who is using drugs. In either case, both sons are convicted felons. Felons are not to possess firearms or be around someone who is.....So if I'm to be pushed to a hotel, I might have to remind Fran about that and perhaps let her know that CPS may want to know about this too. I don't know why her daughter can't move into the son's (now old) bedroom. Especially if, as Fran said, this will only be temporary. We'll, nothing these people do make sense. I will keep you all updated but don't worry if I go dark once in awhile. I'm pretty stressed right now so feeling worse than usual but like a cat, I keep landing on my feet (sort of). I will be okay. Just need to cry and vent sometimes. My life is like some dark film that gets bad ratings. 

[KayC]

Oh tnd, I wish there were words.  Do what you have to do to survive, we're all rooting for you.  Seriously, I wish you lived near here so we could help you. 

 

[tnd]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Seriously, I wish you lived near here so we could help you. 

I'd love to live there! I've lived a lot of places but grew up mainly in the Pacific Northwest. Oh, how I have missed it! But ever since I turned 18, I've been more of a city gal. And now I need to be near conveniences, doctor offices, pharmacies and hospitals. And a Walmart! lol These past couple days have me thinking about nursing homes. Can't be much worse than it is here and my body is not cooperating at the moment. But no, I think if I went into a nursing home I may never come back out. If I didn't have the Sarcoidosis I'd have more choices on how to deal with things. I need to keep myself together. Definitely in survivors mode. So I am going to "play house" in my mind and think about the apartment I've been waiting for. One thing about it that is already a plus is that for a cheap place, I noticed that the grounds were being kept clean and there were no crowds (gangs) loitering outside. I also found out that one side of the property is for young people and families while the other side is for older people, and I did see a couple of older people. Living on that side would really put my mind at rest as older/retired people tend to be good watch dogs. They are also usually very quiet and in bed early. Well anyways, I have something to picture in my mind until I move. But right now, just packing up to go to a hotel would be too much for me. I don't know that my body could withstand that. Sarcoidosis is one very wicked disease! 

[tnd]

On 5/24/2022 at 5:34 PM, John9 said:

I hope I haven't put my foot in my mouth.

No, you didn't put your foot in your mouth. I appreciate your concerns. Always! You've been gone so hope things are okay with you. Us folks on here get a little worried when we don't see someone. 

[tnd]

On 5/23/2022 at 10:55 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Can you call the apartment where you are on the wait list and stress to them  the urgency of your need for housing? 

Thanks for your concerns. The apartment manager actually came out of her office and spent time talking with me. And of course I've called to do a follow-up. They don't have any vacancies yet otherwise I got the feeling she would rent to me. And when I called a couple weeks later, she said they would definitely call me when an apartment is available....and she said it like she already knows something. She told me not to worry. I hope I'm not being full of myself and got the wrong impression but I did get the feeling that she would rent to me. I sure hope so. It's a cheap kind of a dump of a place but I can work my magic and make it into a nice place for myself and my 2 fur babies. Guess you could say I've got some experience with that. I'm into details and organizing. And I love to make things shine! If it's clean then it's fit to enjoy. 

[KayC]

We have many people here with medical issues, it's 45 miles to the nearest hospital but one can always catch a ride.  We have a FB chat for our town where people share what's going on or needs, and someone always comes through.  It's different from the big city that way, the sense of community is perhaps our greatest asset, with a close second being the beauty, nature, wildlife.  I fell in love with this place 45 years ago and never wanted to move back to the city where my forefathers pioneered and founded/lived.  I actually have a forefather from here too, there's a statue of him at our local park, my grandfather told me we are related to him!  Big coincidence.

I've no doubt you can make anyplace "home" as you're an amazing person, I admire your strength and knowledge, experience! You have true survival skills.  I pray this place comes open for you SOON!  And meanwhile, stick to your guns with Frances, don't let her bully you.  She speaks rashly from fear/hurt/anger, not a good basis with which to operate.

[KayC]

My son spent 22 hours here along with his 3 1/2 month old Golden Retriever puppy, Murray.  Kodie is worn out from Murray (high energy) and slept long and hard last night, still asleep!

My son had to heat the moldings behind the fireplace, they're plastic and melted!  He nailed them in place, I never could have done what he did, awkward position on the stepstool, he had to move my stamp cart (full of wooden stamps) to get the stepstool in.  He replaced a long defunction light fixture above bathroom sink, very awkward position to work, inside a box on the ceiling.  He brought two chairs to use as parts for three of mine that needed replaced from when Arlie chewed on them as a puppy, 2009.  Discovered one back is broken from a heavy person, couldn't replace that but it's fine for someone not heavy. it's cracked inside so as long as there's no pressure... He checked out my woodstove and discovered the reason I'm going through so much wood and can't regulate the heat this year is because of a warped bypass door, probably a ruined combustor as a result, and needs rope replaced.  He'll have to come back as we got a cold storm and needed a fire in it, also will need to order parts.  I'm glad I did the painting I did, it does make the place look better.  I'd cleaned and cooked while he was coming, my hands paying for it now.  I got the ceiling fan changed to summer and cleaned again.  He replaced several outlets, one had a burned wire!  He showed me how to tell if they're going bad.  He also did a work around on the bathroom sing plug so it's hooked now and goes up and down.  I forgot a couple of things on my list as I forgot to look at it!  No big deal.  He checked out my chimney and told me why it's doing what it did, it was the heavy snow compressing, he told me of a fix he is considering, will need more parts.  He even tightened my cheese slicers!  All while he's still recuperating from Covid.  Still he kept me up until 11 (he's a night owl, I'm a morning person) and we woke up early (Murray).  

No sign of feral cat during the continual downpour we've had all weekend.

I hope you all have a good Memorial Day!  I have to make the 100+ mile trek for groceries, probably have to pay even more for gas.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

My son spent 22 hours here along with his 3 1/2 month old Golden Retriever puppy, Murray

That's great that he did all that repair work while he was there. I bet you were glad just to see him. Well, he ought to be there for his "mom" and I'm glad you didn't resist and shoo him away. I know you are a very independent woman but sometimes it's good to have a little help. And I'm sure your son was happy to do it and get to spend time with you. I'm glad the two of you have some "give and take" between you. I remember my mother being stubborn and not liking to ask for or to receive help, which in the end is what I think killed her. 

[tnd]

On 5/26/2022 at 8:01 AM, KayC said:

It's different from the big city that way, the sense of community is perhaps our greatest asset, with a close second being the beauty, nature, wildlife.  I fell in love with this place 45 years ago and never wanted to move back to the city

It sounds like paradise. When I was growing up, I use to tell myself that I wanted a house made of cedar (A-frame) way out in the country in the woods. I don't know what ever happened to that dream. 

[Gail 8588]

Kay,

I am so happy your son came and helped you like that.  It is an incredible help when so often we despair that it is all too much!  He helped!  He is coming back to help some more!  It is wonderful!

(Too many exclamation marks, I know. But I'm really happy for you.)

Gail

[steveb]

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

(Too many exclamation marks, I know. But I'm really happy for you.)

Can’t have too many exclamation points in this case😊

[KayC]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm glad you didn't resist and shoo him away.

I never would!  My kids are more than welcome here any time!  It's been hard for me to not have them around more.  I view it as a rare treat!  And even Kodie benefitted from Murray (his puppy) coming and playing with him.  I think Kodie slept most of the 24 hours after they left!

 

 

[John9]

KayC,

I am glad that your Son was able to take care of some of the issues that you were having. It seems like there will always be something that we forget to do or have done. I know I am very guilty of that and yes I have lists too. I still blame everything on my broken brain and my broken heart and now my broken body is making it hard for me to do things too. But it is still one day at a time and hope for things can finally be resolved. I am glad Kodie had some fun with Murray, he probably needed the playtime.

[KayC]

Thanks, John. 

My daughter's divorce wasn't dismissed but they want her to go buy a form from the courthouse and fill it out and file it...again, another!  Will this never end!!!  And always it means time off work for her which she can't afford as she works for herself and we all know that means three times the work!

[John9]

6 minutes ago, KayC said:

Thanks, John. 

My daughter's divorce wasn't dismissed but they want her to go buy a form from the courthouse and fill it out and file it...again, another!  Will this never end!!!  And always it means time off work for her which she can't afford as she works for herself and we all know that means three times the work!

KayC,

I just don't understand why everything has to be so difficult,it just seems like it is all about money. I am not sure if the Court is charging your Daughter to file the new form, but when you have to take time from work it still costs as you said. That was something that people never understood about my loving wife, if she didn't work she didn't get paid. That was because she worked for most of her career as a percentage worker, no work no pay. Son is the same way since he is a hair stylist, no clients no money. Hopefully the Court won't keep adding on with more and more papers that they forgot about. It seems that is how the Probate works, can't file this until that is filed but have to wait for a certain time and then...........

[KayC]

She's filed six papers already!  I don't remember it dragging out so much!  Seems you have to throw thousands to lawyers to get it done, it shouldn't be so hard with no property, no kids, separate bank accounts!  It's been nearly 2 1/2 years now and 3 1/2 years since he left her right after her miscarriage.  It needs to be done!

9 minutes ago, John9 said:

It seems that is how the Probate works, can't file this until that is filed but have to wait for a certain time and then...........

Yep!  Anything gov't is involved with...hurry up and wait!

[tnd]

On 5/31/2022 at 9:14 AM, KayC said:

I think Kodie slept most of the 24 hours after they left!

Well, at least Kodie displayed proper etiquette and didn't fall asleep until AFTER they were gone. hee,hee, hardi har har ...

[tnd]

On 5/31/2022 at 3:28 PM, John9 said:

I still blame everything on my broken brain and my broken heart and now my broken body is making it hard for me t

BROKEN BODY?! That doesn't sound good ...are you alright? 

 

[KayC]

 

Good news, they didn't dismiss my daughter's divorce, bad news:  They want yet ANOTHER document, IS NINE pages long, very legal reading, and overwhelming.  Paralegal friend is going to try to file it online today using electronic signature.  She is a godsend!  I'm going to send her some $ when all is said and done, she's more than earned it!  If we had to start over with this I'd have to pay for a lawyer, huge bucks!  It was $2,000 in 2008, God knows what it is now or how long it'd take.

I'm also going to have to expend some major $ on my woodstove, it needs a new bypass door, combustor, chimney, rope, will be thousands of dollars but cheaper/easier than replacing the whole thing.  That's why I went through so much wood this winter and it burned way too hot no matter how it was set.  The warped bypass door (which you can't see) is what wrecked the combustor, it's job is to protect the combustor.  This will all set me back from getting my carport back replaced.    Stocks falling, depleting my IRA is not helping my plans.

John, are you having issues with grief and stress affecting you physically?  It can happen.  If only there were an off switch in us we could turn off the anxiety/stress of legal garbage, etc.  I could use one of those too.  My BS is up today from stress, I know it wasn't from how I ate. I used to say, jokingly, "Life sucks and then you die."  Now it's not a joke.

Got my lawn mowed, weed whacking done, tree cut down, bushes trimmed, grate in front of garage cleaned out, roof, gutters, and chimney cleaned and with all the painting, sweeping, branches picked up I did, the place looks better.  Now I'll have to find out how much I owe for Jack's services and pay him.

 

[John9]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

BROKEN BODY?! That doesn't sound good ...are you alright? 

KayC,

I'm still here, but yes as you state grief and stress does affect me physically too. I am just so tired and worn out from everything and pardon my saying it, I sleep like crap. I am awake too often from physical pain and get no restful sleep. i feel that I wake every morning more tired then when I went to bed. I am glad that the Court didn't dismiss your Daughters case and sadly not surprised that there is more paperwork. Hopefully it will be the last of it. IF there was a switch to turn off all of the stresses and such, I would probably die. I say that as I had said before, I have been under stresses for now over 13 years at these levels and my body and mind would not know what to do. I do wonder how much longer I will be able to continue though, because it is just so hard coping. I am sorry that you will have to spend more money fixing your woodstove, even if it is lees than replacing it. It does seem like there is no relief from the extra expenses of existing now. I am lucky I can do many of my own repairs but they are becoming too frequent and I wonder how much longer I can continue. The comment that you made about the old saying is so true, no longer a joke but it does go through my broken brain often. But there are so many thoughts that always do. One was that my loving wife did everything that she was supposed to do, and that she shouldn't have died when and how she did. The thoughts are always there and I just miss  my loving wife so much.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

am just so tired and worn out from everything and pardon my saying it, I sleep like crap.

I'm glad you're alright. When you said you had a broken body I was afraid you had an accident or something. Then again, you do mention that you're not sleeping. Going without restorative sleep causes aches and pains. I've got the same problem....if it's not stress keeping me up then it is the pain. I sleep in 2 hour increments now. Ha, at least it's become routine so it's predictable! But if I get 3 hours in whoa boy! That almost feels good! Anyways, sometimes I have one of my cats cuddle with me. I'll talk to them and the feel of their soft fur relaxes me. They seem to know I'm not doing so well and stay by my side if I tell them to (as if they are human). I don't know what I'd do without them. When I get an apartment, I will heavily reward them. 

[John9]

tnd,

Sadly, restful sleep is a thing of the past. I can't stay in one position for very long because of pain and it hurts both being in the position and to move from it. And that of course wakes me, and then it takes time to fall asleep again and repeat.....One of my loving wife's cats insists on sleeping between my legs and that makes it hard to move also. And both of them seem to make sure I don't stay in bed too long in the morning, but they go back to bed after they make me get up. I hope you get that Apartment soon, so that your cats get their rewards. Your reward hopefully will be some sort of peace and relaxation.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

1 hour ago, John9 said:

 

 

 

1 hour ago, John9 said:

Sadly, restful sleep is a thing of the past. I can't stay in one position for very long because of pain and it hurts both being in the position and to move from it. And that of course wakes me, and then it takes time to fall asleep again and repeat....

Since I'm not allowed to take any sleep aids, sometimes I take Ibuprofen for pain at night. I shouldn't be taking any of that either but I'm desperate.  Believe it or not, every night there is a point where I sleep sitting up. No joke. And I will actually fall asleep this way. Obviously not for very long because I'm usually awakened by having to catch myself from falling off the chair or from the side of my bed, wherever I chose to dose off. I do this for breathing purposes. I can't lay flat, only on my right side. This is common for those of us with lung disease. But because of stress and the fact that I am without my husband, sleeping is pretty impossible anyway. I can't even cry while lying down. Have to do it sitting up. So, no sleep means pain and the more pain means no sleep! It's a viscous cycle. My cats look at me as if to say "Oh, mommy is doing it again". Next, I'm going to try an ear bud and relaxing music. Sometimes music helps. Or BBC news radio. They talk in monotone voices and that sort of puts me to sleep. Except right now it's all about the war so that's stressful. Basically I think sometimes we are just screwed. 

[John9]

tnd,

My loving wife and I used to fall asleep to Alexa and the sounds of thunderstorms, I can't seem to do that anymore. And I understand that it is a catch-22, pain/sleeplessness and the cycle that it creates. I hope that the ear buds work for you, any relief would be nice. I know I am hoping for peace in this existence or the next.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, John9 said:

Sadly, restful sleep is a thing of the past.

I had to eventually get a sleeping pill from my doctor because the lack of sleep over years takes it's toll!  For years I commuted 100 miles/day and did a thinking job (requires brain) on way too little sleep!  That made it only harder on myself.  I thought a sleeping pill sounded a temporary bandaid to a permanent problem (his being gone) but I'm glad I finally gave it a try.  I take the lowest dose Trazodone at bedtime.  My issue is not falling asleep, it's STAYING asleep (I have to get up to pee) and getting back to sleep is easier with Traz. than without.  PLUS with anxiety that can add to it (can't shut brain off) so take a low dose Buspirone for that.  I think those two Rxs are as important as my BP!  IMO anyway.

Whatever helps us and doesn't hurt us...

[tnd]

On 6/2/2022 at 6:07 PM, John9 said:

. I know I am hoping for peace in this existence or the next.

No matter what happens today or tomorrow, I look at it this way; the love we shared with our spouses laid the foundation for a path for us to be rejoined. 

[tnd]

Is it anxiety? Is it the Sarcoidosis? Doesn't matter, the effects are all the same. Whether it's in my head or not I am struggling just to breath. My O2 level is good but I'm struggling. Apparently this is common with Sarc but still, I do have anxiety with it. And if this isn't enough, Fran says her husband wants me out ASAP. I think Fran wants me our too but is letting her hubby be the baddie. Anyways, she says not to worry ....and I just got told I need to get out?? How can I not worry? She said her husband is checking out assisted living facilities. And then she said I may have to consider one that won't make me happy (as in beggars can't be choosers). OH REALLY!? I'm not to worry but have no place to live now. Assisted living places start at $2-3k. My monthly benefit is $1485. Just like most apartments around here....your "cheap" ones start at over $800. The dump I am on a waiting list for is $490. That's because it is partners with a city housing project for low income. BTW, most if not all places require proof that you make 3xtimes the monthly rent to be approved. I barely qualify for the $490 apt. 

Anyways, I know I sound like a broken record but the anxiety attack I am having at this moment seems to have forced me to go off on another rant this morning. Sorry. And oh, another BTW, Fran's daughter did not get evicted yet....Fran paid her rent. And Fran did a little more than just paint the living room...she had her husband install wood flooring and she bought a complete new set of furniture while he came home with a gigantic flat screen TV. None of my business but I suppose the rent I've been paying them is what paid for all this stuff. I think the reason Fran is mad is because she had to pay her daughter's rent after Fran had just gone on a shopping spree. Sure, you'd think she'd want me to stay so she can continue getting rent from me but if she has to keep paying her daughter's rent, then what's the point? I think Fran wants to move her daughter in because of the grandkids. They've been staying in a bedroom and if I leave, then her daughter can have this room and not have to share it with the kids. And me? I don't want to stay where I'm not wanted so I had better think about all this as soon as this anxiety attack is over. As if things have not been on my mind 24/7 since the day my husband died...

[steveb]

tnd, I am so sorry you have to deal with all this additional stress.  I pray to God that you will be living in better accommodations as soon as possible.  I just wanted you to know that I am thinking and praying for you.  

Hugs coming your way, steve

[John9]

tnd,

I can only say that I too hope that you will finally get that apartment and have the peace you so much deserve. The statement you made about the updates Fran did, you probably either paid for or at least paid a large portion of. I am sorry that all of this is adding to the stresses and anxieties you are going through. And I am sorry that nobody understands what it is like for you to be in that situation. You didn't choose any of this and it isn't right to be threatened AGAIN. I keep hoping each NEW month that the apartment opens up for you. John