Young Widowhood

July 31, 2005

Withani, I think its so neat cause my middle name is sue also and my first is cindy and alot of people call me cindysue..I feel so bad for you that words can not explain..wow its seems like Gary and Roger knew when they was gonna pass cause Roger talked about he thought he was not gonna live long and I did'nt wanna hear it when he talked about it...I think when they are sick they get this feelin they are gonna go..But your right they are watchin us and feel no pain no more...You are so sweet to offer to be in the waiting room with me..but he will be havin the surgery in Toledo..I wish you could be with me..I am so scared of losing my baby too when he goes in for his heart surgery..I can't help worrying..Sounds like Gary had such a caring heart..that brought tears to my eyes when you told me he was tellin you how much he loved you cause i think he knew in his heart he did'nt have alot of time left..Just like Roger did its really strange cause Roger was tellin me how much he loved me before he passed just like he wanted me to know like Gary wanted you too know..You always have me as your friend and I will always be here with you and keep you informed of my baby's surgery..I will be back on tomorrow I know thiers more I need to say but my mind is not workin good tonight I been cryin so much today that my eyes are swollen..every weekend I get this way..I will write you again tomorrow...take care my sweet friend..Cindysue

July 31, 2005

CindySue...I will look forward to your next letter..and I completely understand the crying and swollen eyes. I have a lot of trouble with Saturdays and Sundays as well because those were always "our nights"..we start by dancing Saturday and then Gary would make me a hot pepper cheese omelet in the morning and then we'd go to the flea markets. You're right...he did have a very caring heart and I did not always appreciate it because of his alcohol disease.

What always runs through my mind is What am I doing Here???? I'm suppose to be with Gary..

I can understand why you'd be afraid for the baby's surgery...but remember Bryan is very strong and has a special angel watching over him (HUGS)

Your friend Always,

CindiSue

July 31, 2005

Withani, how you doing? I am tryin to be strong..I meant a widower a few weeks ago in a support group..he is 49 and his wife died last May...and we went out Saturday night and today...he is so sweet and nice...nothing like my Roger but he is very nice..he seems to really like me alot and we have alot on commom..both losing our love..is it wrong do you think that I am dating after a year..I feel so guilty cause I loved Roger so much but this guy Randy..he is alot like Roger so sweet and caring..and I guess I miss that adlt male company..but when he kissed me man I felt like I was cheating...but I am thinkin I can't grieve the rest of my life and be alone..and I think Roger would'nt want me to be..I have lost so much weight from not eating..I am lucky to weigh 110 pounds and I am 5'5 and my mom's so worried that I have stopped eating and to be honest I don't eat hardly anything I eat maybe 3 to 4 times a week..and I am thinkin man I gotta get out of this deppresion and start eating...cause I fell today just carring Byron to his crib..and down I went with Byron too ..and I felt like I was gonna pass out..I was so upset cause Byron has a bruise on his head from me fallin...after that I just sat down and cried..cause I am thinkin what am I doing with another guy when Roger has been gone only a year..well it will be a yer Aug the 1st..why do I feel like I am doing something wrong...I still love Roger so much but kissing another guy made me cry..cause I felt like I was being unfaithful...you was tellin me he made a hot pepper cheese omelet..I don't think I ever had one of them but man that sounds relly good...all in all I think you had a very good guy with a very bad disease..that took over him...my prayers are always with you my friend..I feel so close to you for some reason...I am worried cause my 2 year old baby Byron is not feelin well I am afraid is little heart is gettin worse..he needs to go back to the heart doctor sooner today he was havin a hard time breathing...and cindisue I am scared to find out he is worse..I pray maybe its just a virus or something simple like that..please pray for him cause I need that..he is so precious to me..I always look forward to you letters it really helps me...HUGS to you my sweet friend...Cindysue..

August 1, 2005

CindySue,

Your absolutely right...Gary was a good guy with a bad disease. I keep telling myself that I'm want to remember that the alcohol was just a portion of him...he was kind..caring..interesting..a genius and HE LOVED ME!!!!! It makes me so mad when I run into someone who has just realized he pasted and I just get the look like oh..it figures. Man that makes me mad!!!!

I'm glad you had a date Saturday and it was with a nice guy...you deserve it!!!! I'm reading a book now titled "Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life"..we still have to continue "the journey CindySue". I know what you mean about the feeling of guilt and cheating..I've gone at a few times and whew!!! It' tough. The worse part is I compare them to Gary and go out once..maybe twice and they just don't measure up. I'm too critical. Have a good time with dating and DON'T FEEL BAD...I'm sure it's comforting to have a date with a widower..you can share some of the same feelings. I went on a date with one widower and it was alright but he has other issues.

I'm sure Bryon will be fine...just a virus or something. I will DEFINITELY say a prayer for him. I think we get extra emotional about the people we love after a loss. Everytime I see my 17 year son drive away I think...What if I never see him again???? Or my grandson..what if I leave and something happens to him??? I can get all caught up in the what if's.

Take care friend...I feel close to you as well and as I mentioned yesterday enjoy our communication..YOU HAVE BEEN A GODSEND!!!!!

Cindi

August 2, 2005

withani,You just bought tears to my eyes..thankyou for being so kind to me..it has helped me since I been talkin to you...Iknow what you mean when people say I did'ntknow that person pasted on and I think where have you been he's been gone a year...yeah today was a year...I been like cryin all day long..Its just so hard but anyways, I had a good time on my date...we talked about our loved ones and like he said we have to go on and be happy again..he was so sweet and nice..and I had a good time ..but I felt guilt and I was comparing and I thought I can't do that..like Roger was 6'3 and abig guy built real big where this guy is only 5'9 and small compared to Roger...but he is so sweet and was very nice he even gave me a rose on our date..but darn I miss Roger just did'nt feel the same..but I do like this guy alot..he is very nice..In fact we ended up seein each other Sunday too and he meant Byron and he thought he was the cutest little guy and he goes man he is a tiny thing..and I go yeah he is small for his age..well I guess with a heart condition they don't grow as big..and he can't even talk yet he tries so hard he gets so frustrated and when he tries real hard he ends up laying down on the floor and plays with his cars..he tires so easy..What I was thinkin man he was with you a long time he sure did love you as you did him and remember he is always with you..and would want you to go on also..and be happy..he sounds like he was a very special man..makes me sad why all these good men have to die at such a young age while these mean abusive cruel men nothing happens they go on and live forever it seems..I will do as you say I am gonna try real hard not to feel bad..you have helped me alot more then I know and I always look forward to your messages...I have a date again next Saturday witht that guy...now I know I would have a better time if I did'nt think about Roger wondering if he would be ok with me dating so soon..I hope I am doing what he would have wanted me too..Take care my sweet friend..Cindysue

August 2, 2005

CindySue...I'm happy that you have been able to date someone who is also widowed. I'm not sure if someone who's not even "gets it"...and it makes you feel like you're being depressing if you try to talk about it. You have this new guy in your life for some reason...maybe Roger sent him??? I'm sure Roger wants you to be happy until you can join him again. I know what you mean about going from a 6'3" Big Guy to a 5'9...strange isn't it??? Gary was 6'2" and a Big Guy and I just loved that!!! It's goofy but I always liked putting his shoes on and clumping around the house and wearing his big ole' shirts...seems like I got all these "little guys" wanting to go out. I keep finding myself wanting to go out with someone his size and someone who looks like him athough they'll never be. I find myself when I have gone out I can usually just do one or two dates and then I run from them...

Thank you for saying the Gary was a good man with a bad disease...I've been thinking about that all day and I really like that!!! You have helped me more than you know my friend. I get so overwhelmed on days that I can' believe he's gone and you don't answer back like "what did you expect...he was an alcoholic"??!!! Usually I'm the eternal optimist and for 11 years I believed he would stop and we would then be able to move forward with our lives and build that log cabin we always wanted to. It was strange Friday night because I had a dream about Gary that we were both building a Bed and Breakfast together...I hope it's him on the other side in preparation for when we meet a gain...I've GOT TO BELIEVE we will meet again.

Hang in there friend...you've made a milestones past the year mark and although Roger will always be with you and his memory will always be alive and passed on from generation to generation you can start living...(HUGS)...Your friend always...CindiSue

August 3, 2005

withani, you know what when you say you dream about Gary..I do the same thing I dream about Roger everyday..and I think they are in our dreams cause they are tryin to tell us they are ok and they love us and will always be with us..I believe they come in our dreams for a reason..just to let us know they are still with us..lol..you sound like me I put on Rogers shirts all the time and use them as a nightshirt makes me feel so close to him..I know what you mean about little guys I prefer tall men even though I am only 5'5 I like them 6 feet or over so its really wierd that I am seein someone shorter..you know what I think I would just love to meet someone like Roger looks wise body wise but I know they will never be him..personality wise or nothing ..You should try real hard to date longer my friend you deserve to feel loved again and happy I want that for you...I know no one will ever compare to Gary cause no one ever will as he was a very special person...he got you so that in alone tells me he was a great guy...cause I feel like if he was'nt you would'nt have been with him..he was lucky to have you as you was lucky to have him...Alchol is so hard to break...so its not really his fault I am sure if he knew what was in store for him he would have really tried but no one knows when thier time is..its not fair that Gary and Roger had to leave us..but rem,ember they are in a much better place then we are and have no more worries..and I know they are with us..but its so hard to get by day by day..I keep going to the cemetary and I take baby Byron and he looks at his daddy's tombstone and goes dada..and I go yeah baby thats dada..he misses him alot I can tell I show him pics all the time..but since he is only 2 years old I know he is too young to really understand..You are a very sweet and loving person..and Gary has a place for you when its your time..but I hope its not for a long time my friend...Your friend always..Love and Hugs for you from me and baby Byron...Cindysue

August 3, 2005

CindySue...it's strange having the dreams with Roger and Gary and then waking up it takes a few minutes to register what's going on. I read in one book that while you sleep your body leaves and goes on other planes and I often get lost in thinking about that...wondering if I'm actually with him when I'm sleeping..I know it sounds strange but comforting all the same. That's funny that you wear Roger's shirts as well (fortunately I have several here and his ex didn't get them all)!!! I'm 5'3" but like you said...I'm used to a big guy and that's what I like...I guess I want to feel that physical prescense...I always felt protected by being with Gary because he was 6'2" he seemed like he could protect me. You're right about the alcohol...horrible disease that got ahold of him in his late teens and continued...how I wish he could've kicked it and believe me...I hoped for it the entire 11 years..some may think of it as denial but I just couldn't be away from him. I tried breaking it off a few times because of the alcohol and job situation but I could never stay away more than a couple months I'd come back and tell him look Gary..I'm always going to be with you and you're always going to be with me it looks like that's just the way it is. I was so angry when he was getting kicked out of stores for stealing vodka and evicted by his landlord that I told him that I didn't want to take him into 2005...never thought I'd be eating my words and it's come back to haunt me.

Boy...going to the gravesite would be so difficult..I'm sure that's very hard but yet comforting. With cremation you don't have that and as it turned out his son has his ashes...Gary's ex said I could get a container and get half of them but I just don't feel right about that since he is not his ashes.

You've gotta have a lot of energy to keep up with Bryon I'm sure..even though he tires easily two year olds have so much energy...which helps with getting your mind off of thinking of Roger constantly I'm sure. My grandson "Peanut" is with my daughter at daycare during the day but in the evening he's right next to be wherever I go and some days I think jeeeeeshhhhh leave me alone but then I look into those big brown eyes and know he's here for a reason. I'm glad Gary got to know him before he left.

As far as dating....I'm not in a hurry to find one that fits...probably because I don't want one too because I always told Gary that he's a tough act to follow...

Take care my friend and give Bryon a kiss from me...hope you have a good positive week...I guess we need to make the best of the summer before it disappears...can't believe it's August already!!!!

Hugs!!!!! Cindi

August 3, 2005

Withani, wow your a little one as me.... I guess we were attacted to the tall big men..like you said they make you feel protected..Byron is just full of energy..every week I rescue the poor kitty from the toilet he stick the kitty in thier all the time..when ever I hear him a gigling and he's not in the room I run to the bathroom and hes got the kitty in the toilet tryin to flush the poor kitty down..lol..its funny in a way cause he goes kitty takin bath..man..seems like I am running all the time ....and I go no baby don't do that..the stupid cat does'nt even run from him..it even sleeps with him in the crib..he kisses the kitty all the time..your right it is so very hard to go to the cemetary..but I go thier just sit thier and lay flowers down and talk to him..to tell him I miss him so much..now Roger was'nt much of a drinker maybe 2 drinks a week if that..so I have no idea what you might have went through but it sounds so hard ...Roger was diebetic and did'nt watch his sugar very good ..he was on pills but it never helped him..he was always sick from having that disease and I think eventually it gave him heart disease...he could'nt stay away from the sweets..where sweets did'nt bother me I am not much for a snacking sweets kind of person..its wierd how Gary was 6'2 and you was 5'3 and Roger was 6'3 and I am 5'5 I guess us smaller women feel close to the taller men myself I prefer tall men..maybr cause I was so used to it all my life..I guess baby byron takes after me he is small for his age like 2 to 3 inches shorter he could pass for 16 monthes old if you seen him and he is 28 monthes old...but he is my baby he only wears a 18 monthes but I like him small easier to pic up...he's even got that cute baby face still Byron also has the big brown eyes and I know what you mean once they loook at you with them sweet little eyes you melt..babies know how to wrap theier little finger around ya..hows the little grandson? hope he is good..and I am glad also that Gary knew and seen his grandson before he passed..like Roger I am glad he got to paly with Byron before he passed and our 7 grandchildren..he loved them all so much and they all talk about thier papa all the time..and I just tell them he's in heaven now but he can see you...I sure will give byrona kiss..he is such a sweet baby its gonna be hard for him without a daddy..so I am tryin to be both to him..this summer is flyin by way to quickly...its so hot now but soon we are gonna be complaining cause its too cold..Well cindisue you take care of yourself your always in my prayers..and always look forward for you messages..Hugs from me and baby Byron...Cindysue

August 4, 2005

CindySue...there must be something in the air because both you and I seem to be having a pretty good day!!! Woohoo!!!! I enjoyed reading the story of Bryon putting the kitty in the toilet...I actually laughed! I'm sure he's got you on the go all the time...I hear the pitter patter of "Peanuts" feet right now...what an age!!! Bryon and Peanut sure get our minds off of the deeper side of life we have to live with! You're right about there's just something about those big guys that I am happy to have had 11 years with as I'm sure you are your 32. To some..Gary would not have seem to be a attractive man but to me I just loved everything about him...his big brown eyes..dimple in one check..his beautiful smile..his arms..his legs..the WHOLE PACKAGE! I think that's why it's tough to try and go out with a little guy...I just think who is this little guy..I'm far too critical! I gotta get over that!!! Have a great day CindySue..you and Bryon are in my thoughts and prayers. (HUGS) CindiSue

August 4, 2005

Withani, Yeah seems like I have good days and bad days probably like you..your Gary sounds like a very attactive man..my Roger was a nice lookin guy even all my friends thought he was hot but I was lucky he only had eyes for me..all the years we were married I never caught him even lookin at other women he always thought that was being disrespectful when you love someone to gawk at other women... now I don't think thier is too many guys like that around.I have a date with the same guy I really like him except for his height darn I wish he was at least 6 feet...I know I am like you I like the big tall men..lol..well byron got into a whole banana creme pie today and was sittin on the floor eatiin it he was covered with it from head to toe..hos hair was caked with it..looks like someone smashed the pie in his face..it was even dripping from his eyelashes I could'nt even see his face or hair he was just plasterd...lol..I could'nt even get mad it was so cute he goes when I caught him mmmm good..I go oh baby I had to give him 3 baths today and his hair still is'nt the cleanest tryin to get that out of his hair is a chore...he was so cute I could'nt even yell he was smiling at me and that did it..I could'nt even get mad I was laughin instead..I wonder what thing he will do tomorrow every day thier somethin he got into too..but he keeps me busy..he goes mama it good..soon as he had his bath I stuck him in his crib for a nap..I was so tired I had a mess to clean up...I'll bet if his daddy was alive it would crack him up I can only amagine what he would day..probably say thats my boy...lol..darn so much I would like to tell him about the baby that I can't but I know he is watchin him..its so hard sometimes...but sweet friend..Keep smiling and give your little peanut a kiss for me...HUGS..from me and baby Byron...Cindysue

August 5, 2005

CindySue...that is SO FUNNY about the banana creme pie!!!! I hope you got a picture!!!! Do you have a digital camera? I don't yet and if you don't I hope you can get one for those "Precious Moments"..I'd love to see a picture of Bryon especially with the banana creme pie...lol!!! With the daily things that Bryon is doing I KNOW it's gotta be tough without Roger there. Are you keeping any kind of journal? It may help to write down these things to Roger...could give some comfort just knowing you're telling him. I started kinda like a journal in May...it's random..I just write thoughts and feelings I have about different situations that I come across since Gary's passing and I hope to maybe someday pull it together into a book. It does help me!!!!

As far as the date being less than 6 ft. that's a tough one...do you think he'd object to standing on a small ladder for you???? Just kidding.

Love and Hugs to you and baby Bryon!!! Your forever friend..CindiSue

August 5, 2005

CindySue...P.S. I forgot to mention that it was really cool of Roger NOT to be a gawker...unfortunately in Gary's case he WAS a gawker and it drives you CRAZY!!!!!

August 6, 2005

withani(Cindisue) lol..yeah you know what I do have a digital cam..Roger bought me one for the last Christmas he was alive..I have so many pics of byron but none of that one darn how I wish I would have thought of it at the time..he was so cute with it all over him..going mmmm mama good..I had to laugh instead of gettin mad..Its funny today he got into my purse and had all my makeuo out and had eye shadow all over his eyes and blush and lipstick coverin his face...and his hair he stuck so much baby lotion on it it looked wet..I thought where is Byron I checked his bedroom and he was in my purse havin so much fun....I swear that baby has 3 baths a day..for some reason everytime he gets into anything it goes on his face and hair..I would love to show you pics of Byron sometime he is so cute looks just like his daddy so much..times like all the cute stuff he does I am always callin my mom or my daughters tellin them what Byron is doing but it hurts that I can tell Roger..I cry sometimes thinkin bout what he is missin..I miss him so much I dream bout him like every night and it makes me not wanna wake up..my heart will forever be broken cause I lost him..I feel like a part of me is gone forever he was such a good husband and father..I am afraid no one will ever be as good to me as he was..most men are gawkers I think..I mean when even a nice lookin woman would appear on TV I would say she's pretty is'nt she and he would always remark shes ok but you are so much preetier no one is better lookin then you..and he always made me feel so special and pretty...even though this guy thinks I am beautiful it just is'nt the same as my Roger tellin me...I guess I am probably not makin since but I feel funny when another guy says it I guess I should feel good but for some reason I feel uneasy..lol..thats funny now I will think of him gettin on a step ladder when he kisses me..darn I wish I was'nt so picky about the height.. I can amagine your Gary being a gawker seems like most guys are..I think It would make me go crazy also...makes you wonder why are you lookin when I am with ya...I think that is what I would think...but your Gary was being a normal male I guess its better then him lookin at guys..now that I would really be scared of...well I got a date Saturday night...wish me luck..if I don't write tomorrow I will write you Sunday and let you know how it goes..hopefully he don't turn into a prevert like most men do after awhile..lol..well my sweet friend have a great day tomorrow..and anytime I will send u pics let me know sometime as to where...your friend..always..Hugs from me and baby Byron..Cindysue

August 6, 2005

CindySue...I would love to see some pics of Bryon up to his eyebrows in makeup and stuff..you can send them to me at Dffydaisy@aol.com

I know what you mean about not wanting to wake up sometimes..it seems like every morning I wake up looking around the room and then have to remember in the first couple minutes..Gary's gone. I had a dream about Gary last week where he and I were working on building a Bed and Breakfast together and we were so happy. I told him I could get more money by doing odd jobs paying me $1!!!! I didn't want to wake. I found another messageboard on here that I like called ADC's (after death communication) and you can speak about visions and dreams...I REALLY LIKE IT because I've had some unusal things happen in the past 8 months like blow dryers going off in the middle of the night...balloon falling at my feet when I'm cutting the grass...door open in the middle of the night and if I speak to someone who hasn't had a loss about this stuff I feel like they wanna take me to the crazy farm but on this site here in Beyond Indigo some can give additional insight to your dreams. If you haven't been on there and have dreams or visions...GO!!

It IS hard when you go out on a date and someone tells you your pretty or something...it's just not the same. Although Gary would gawk he would always say when we where going out on Saturday night dancing..."baby..you are drop dead gorgeous" with much expression!!! If someone else said that now I would probably say SHUT UP!!!

Have fun tonight!!!! I'm going dancing with a friend of mine whose boyfriend plays in a band...her kids are on vacation with their dad (she's divorced) and I'm gonna stay all night at her house and hopefully we're going to a psychic fair tommorrow!!!

HUGS to you and Bryon...you friend ALWAYS...CindiSue

August 6, 2005

CindySue...P.S. - You would not believe how much it helps me talking to you on here...I am eternally grateful to have come across YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 8, 2005

Withani, (Cindisue) My dear sweet wonder friend...you and me ahve so much in common and we both think alike it uncanny sometimes...you have helped me more then you know my dear friend Its like we were forced to meet through here maybe our loves brought us together to here for each other..OH MY GOD girl when you said things have bben off..it does that too me also..but the night Roger died...I could'nt find my car keys anywhere and I thought where did they go..course I am always losing them...and one of my daughters go look mom its on that nail..and I just about passed out I never put them thier and the only person that ever put my keys thier was Roger..I looked at my daughters they both looked at me and they was as white as me...they go mom dad always put them thier..and Roger could'nt have put them thier cause he never got to come home...it was scarey but soothing to me that wow he is still around...and I hear noises at night and like I said Byron will be laughin in his room in his crib...and keeps sayin dada and when I would walk in thier he would point to the wall and thier was nothing thier and he would still smile and go dada..like he was seein right pass me...I mean I have a blender going off and it would be unplugged..and chairs moving..and none of this happened till Roger passed away...I am gonna send the pics to you tonight my dear sweet friend and I will send you a pic of me also...thankyou so much for always being here for me...you are such a dear sweet person..and remember I am always hear for you...

Love and Hugs to you from me and baby Byron

August 8, 2005

CindySue...hope you had a great time Saturday!!! I DO BELIEVE you're RIGHT that our loves have brought us together. I'm really interested in the ADC's that have been happening and I liked hearing your story about the keys and Bryon laughing and saying dada. I keep reading and hearing that when these type of things happen it's much more than coincidence...I believe Rodger put your keys there. It's my understanding that you need to be open to these communications and that you can still continue a relationship with your loved ones...so I guess here's to the four of us...you/Roger..me/Gary.....

I can't wait to see the pics!!!! Love and Hugs to you and Bryon...I am so happy to have you for a friend!!! CindiSue

August 8, 2005

Withani,(Cindisue) I am so happy also you have made me so happy just talkin to you on here I was so depressed before and thought who am I gonna talk to anymore that knows what I am going through..and I feel you know exactly what I am going through cause your going through the same thing. Thankyou so much for the pics of you and that sweet peanut of yours he is such an adorable baby..such a young lookin grandma..its great being a grandma..I have 7 grandchildren of all ages from the ages of 11 down to 4 monthes old..so my baby byron always has someone to play with..You gotta tell me more about that ADC thing I believe in that sort of stuff..and your right I know Roger put them keys thier he's the only one that would..I wanna be open to that..makes me feel so good knowin he is close...do you thik that when they die that they are with us watching us? I wanna believe they are sometimes I feel like he's here so much specially when I take baby byron to see his heart doctor I swear I can feel Roger right beside me..rubbing my back tellin me that our son is gonna be ok..then I think ok Cindy your losing it..but now I just don't feel like I am cause I have told no one about this but you..I am afraid everyone else would laugh at me then I would probably cry..I cry so easy now my feelins get hurt easy..I guess I am not a strong person...I feel whipped drained out since Roger passed..but I am so happy we are friends...I feel closer to you then friends that I ahve talked to for years on the net if I told them things like that they would'nt understand..but let me know what you can about that site..its very interesting..gets me all excited knowin that my sweet man is here with me...bless you for always being here for me..you have made a great impact on me..

Love to u from me and baby Byron,

Cindysue

August 9, 2005

CindySue...BELIEVE...

Yes I definitely believe in ADC's...I've had so many strange experiences since Gary's passing. They started a couple days after he passed..I felt like someone was hugging me from behind while brushing my teeth. A couple days later I mentioned it to my son Tony and he said while he was playing video games over a friends he felt the same thing!!! Gary loved Tony so...Tony was five when Gary and I started living together and now he's 17...he was such a wonderful influence in Tony's life and encouraged his creativity..Tony plays the bass guitar and I have always felt it was due to Gary's influence. Also..a couple days after the hugging incident I was upstairs on the computer (this was January) came downstair and noticed my metal front door was wide open. This was on a Saturday night and Gary and I ALWAYS went dancing on Saturday. The only other person here was my daughter and I asked her if she went outside...she said no. I know that was Gary. The next week I was sleeping and about 4am my blow dryer went off...it had been turned off and it has never done that before or since that day. Someone told me that a lot of time ADC's are done through the electric so who knows. I've also had a fax machine start ringing 30 minutes into a phone conversation. I've had a computer crash that only had the music Gary had downloaded. When asking for a sign that Gary is happy I had a balloon fall out of the sky and drop at my feet and it was yellow in the shape of a son. Another time I went out on a date and the next morning there was deer poop on my sidewalk...I've lived here 12 years and I've never had deer poop on the sidewalk!!! I took it as a sign from Gary not to see that one!!!

Sometimes right before going to sleep I feel this light headedness in my upper body feeling like I'm floating...it's really strange. I can't talk to these things with family or friends or they'll think I've lost it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't take the ridicule either since I cry at the drop of a hat.

I REALLY encourage you to go to the ADC's portion in here...keep yourself open to communication and talk to Roger...I KNOW he's there with you!!!

I'm glad you liked my Peanut and I'm glad we switched pictures..Bryon is a sweetheart. I have Peanut call me Nanna because I'm in grandma denial..he's my only grandchild so far.

Like you...I am sooooooooo happy to have a friend like you. The things that we talk about in here are so deep that I feel like I can talk about what needs to be said. I don't think anyone can understand this unless they've gone through it themselves. I DO FEEL Roger and Gary are with us...for you I think Roger IS rubbing your back when you're at Bryon's doctor visits and other places as well. Every night when I close my eyes I see Gary's face. I had a dream last week that we were building a Bed and Breakfast together and I was so HAPPY. They are protecting us...I can feel it in my bones. There is a lot of information on the ADC site...it's the first page you pull up on the message boards...when you start reading them you'll realize you're NOT losing it as I've recently discovered.

LOVE AND HUGS CINDYSUE AND BRYON!!!! Your friend ALWAYS...CINDISUE

August 9, 2005

Withani(Cindisue) You just bought chills to me..gosh that is really somethin that has happened it makes you even feel closer to that person..I have had a blender go off and no one was even near it and we heard chairs move...and even the phone would ring and no one would be at the other end..I know if I would have told my mom or some of my friends they would think I need help...I mean I take the drug called xanax just to help me cope..I have taken it for a year now I am not sure you know what it is but it help with my anxiety I get attacks every so often..I hope you don't think I am crazy but I feel better takin it when I am havin a hard day which seems like every day till I come on here and talk to you..you have been a big help to me and my depression..you are an angel..I know its hard to be a grandma..I have a hard time dealin with it but havin 7 grandchildren has made me used to it then havin a 2 year old makes me feel young again..makes me so happy my dear sweet Roger gave me a last gift my baby Byron..sppecially being 45 at the time..I was scared of complications with havin a baby at my age plus my daughters thought that was funny mom havin a baby when she had granchildren but the good Lord wanted me and Roger to be blessed with a sweet baby before Roger had to pass away I am happy he enjoyeed 16 monthes with his son..but seein and hearing things to me is another way Gary and Roger are tryin to let us know they are still around us..I am gonna have to check that site out it sounds really interesting ...I will write more tomorrow give your sweet Peanut a big kiss for me..

Love and Big Hugs from me and baby Byron..Cindysue

August 10, 2005

CindySue...yes I am very familiar with xanax...I've had to take it these past 8 months as well just to deal with each day! I've never before taken anything like this in my life and even when I get through a day or so and I think I'm on the road to recovery I get hit like a ton of bricks. Today I went canoeing with a guy I met and I was just sooooooo sad the entire time. He was nice enough but I wanted to be canoeing with GARY!!!!

When you get the chance to go to the ADC post...there are many similar experiences that people are having there with signs. I do believe Roger and Gary want us to know they are there for us!!!!

I'm glad you and Roger had Bryon...his only son..a gift from God. I think it would be interesting for you to post Bryon's reactions with his laughing and calling dada.

I'll write more tommorrow my friend...I'm wiped out from this canoe trip experience. LOVE AND HUGS!!!! CindiSue

August 10, 2005

withani(Cindisue)I am sorry you was not happy canoeing with this guy but I know exactly how you feel everytime I go out with this guy I been seein I think of Roger the whole time and end up talkin bout him to this guy nonstop..I can't seem to shutup..but I been with Roger so long I don't know if I can love again..and who am I gonna find to love Byron as much as his daddy did? I feel like cryin I am sooo sad and misarable I don't know what to do no more..I feel like at times I wanna be with him but then I think of my girls and baby Byron and I am thinkin what am I sayin Roger would'nt want me to be sad all the time..this guy is nice enough too but he's not Roger thats what makes me so upset I end up takin that drug cause then I get a panic attack..darn when am I ever gonna feel good again normal again..my girls are so quiet they hide thier emotions inside about thier dad..my oldest daughter was so close to her daddy...as he was with her but heck he babied the girls like they were little but when baby Byron cam along I never seen such a prud father..but then I get depressed thinkin he's never gonna see him grow up like he did our girls..life just is'nt fair..least I made him happy before the Good Lord took my love away from me..I can only pray my baby Byron makes it through his heart surgery the doctor wants to wait long as possible cause at 2 years old he does'nt wanna do it but he said he don't think he can wait much longer just thinkin bout that makes me so sad and I cry thinkin am I gonna lose my baby too..but I know Roger will watch over him and won't let that happen too him..I think tomorrow I am gonna go on that site and tell everyone about what Byron says..maybe that will help me to understand more..thankyou my dear friend have a good nights sleep..

Love and Hugs From Me and Baby Byron..Cindysue

August 10, 2005

CindySue...yeah..boy..the goin' out thing..sheeeshhh it's so hard to do!!!!! All you want to talk about is Roger/Gary and you can see the look all over their face like they want to tell you to shut up!!! In your case you have the added stress of a beautiful baby needing surgery soon...you know my prayers are with you and depending on when it is..if there's anyway I can make it there to be with you during surgery trust me..I will. I know Roger will be there...here's there now I'm sure Bryon is going to come out of this with flying colors...he looks like a strong lil' guy (and handsome).

If you go on ADC let me know what you think about that site...I think it's pretty cool and you can talk without feeling like you've lost it...many others have had communication experiences and there's someone on that site called SeekingSolace that I don't know if she's a medium or what but she kinda interprets visions..dreams..etc.

This grieving is for the birds!!! Everytime you think you've gone one step forward you go two steps back and the crying...does it every stop??!!

I can't keep saying enough how great it is to have you to speak to about these things...it seems as if after a month or two of the passing of loved ones everyone you speak to (friends and family) wish you would quit talking about it but you can't!!! I forever greatful that I meet you on this site.

Take care my friend...love and hugs!!! CindiSue

August 10, 2005

CindySue...P.S. - You're not going to BELIEVE THIS...this guy I went canoeing with yesterday...FIRST DATE...left two messages on my cell phone that he's fallen in LOVE with ME!!! I can't handle THIS!!!! I'm not going to speak to this guy again..ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 10, 2005

Withani(cindisue)I wish I could feel better no one seems to understna but you..and I am forever grateful for you to always be here for me..I tell people and they don't say nothing even my mom says Cindy you gotta get over this nothing is gonna bring Roger back and she was kinda mean today whic upset me terribly she go's if you missed Roger so much why are you going out with this guy on dates you coulld'nt have been missin him that much..I thought she was happy for me but she acts like she is mad..she said I am just worried your goona get hurt..but what she said to me hurts..I just cried and cried..when I was done talkin to her feelin worse then ever..and I was thinkin gee am I doing a bad thing in dating...I mean I know nothing will bring my Roger back again..but I can't seem to shut my mouth when I speak bout him..and the stress of what Byron is going to go through is just tearin me up..I am so afraid what if he go's through surgery and don't wake up and I lose my baby too to a heat condition...I gotta be strong for him..and its so hard..thankyou so much Cindisue you have been such n angel to me and is helpin me more then you know. Wow this guy called you and told you he loved you? oh my gosh girl what to do...I think I would be running too..specially if your not ready for that..that would certainly scare me away also..only one date and he loves you is pretty scarey..maybe to him its love at first sight..man I don't blame you one bit I would'nt wanna see him again either specially if you don't feel that way..I know if the guy thta I been dating said that I would run run run and never answer my phone too him..sure is frustarting is'nt it? well thankyou soooo much for being such a special friend to me you always have a way to make me feel so much better..oh and good luck with that guy hope he is'nt one of them stalker type guys...Good luck girlfriend..Hope you little peanut is doing good he's such a sweet little baby..talk to you again tomorrow..

Love and Huggs from me and my Baby Byron..Cindysue

August 11, 2005

CindySue....after I post my last message that guy called me six more times and I didn't answer. I sent him an email and told him I wasn't interested in a relationship and he just called again and I picked up and told him the same over the phone...I can't handle a guy saying he loves you after the first date...I'm not ready. I felt like crying all day yesterday when I was with him..first when we stopped at the store to get batteries for his camera on the way...it was a store Gary and I always went into and then the whole canoe trip deal. It's going to take a VERY UNDERSTANDING guy for me to date...I can't deal with the pressure!!!

I hate when you talk to people about Roger/Gary and they say nothing...it goes right through the heart. I think it was unfair of your mom to say you're not missing Roger too much it you're dating...I think the opposite...that you're missing him so much it's one of the only things that takes your mind off of it for a couple hours..plus the added stress you have with Bryon's heart condition...God knows you DESERVE SOME PEACE!!! The fact that he's widow is all the better because I'm sure he understands and is not pressing you to be serious immediately!!!

You are stronger than you know my friend...the support I feel talking to you is what's been helping me through each day. I mentioned to a friend of mine that you and I talk everyday via Beyond Indigo and that your name is CindySue and they said God arranged this..I do believe that Cindy. Only someone going through this understands how every day is different...some days you may seem fine..and then the next few you're down. I know I've mentioned this before but I get this feeling like WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE!!! I thought when Gary was gone I'd be too. I can't mention this to anyone else but I wonder if it's common to feel suicidal. Not that I'm going to do anything...I wouldn't because I couldn't have my children feel the pain that I'm going through now. I hate to say this but I wish I had Altzhemier's now so I couldn't remember.

On a lighter note...I was outside with Peanut this evening and I'm teaching Peanut to wave to the sky and say Hi Gary!

Love and Hugs to you and Baby Bryon from CindiSue and Peanut

August 11, 2005

withani(Cindisue)Oh my gosh I have felt the same thing like why am I still here and stuff I know God always has a reason for what has happened but I wonder why they had to take Roger and Gary away from us..when we were so much in love and so happy..my mom always jumps on me like she says all the time you can't go into the past and wish he was around you got Byron to think of now nothing you can do for Roger now..why does she make me feel so guilty and thow it in my face that I am dating..I loved Roger so much I don't love this guy and don't know if I can ever love another man like I do him..I felt suicidal also then I am like you I am thinkin whats wrong with me I have 3 kids that need me they don't need to lose thier mother too..specially baby byron..your right I do date just so I can go on but find it so hard..like I said he is nice enough and treats me well..but he misses his wife also..I had him meet byron not that long ago and byron was preety ornary and acted off which gave the guy a headach..he goes I guess I am not used to little ones..I feel like he would'nt or could'nt be a father figure to much I mean he is 2 years old of course he is'nt just gonna sit thier like he is 11 or 12 years old he is gonna run around and be loud he is a baby..but I am always gonna put my Byron before any guy..no guy is worth it if they can't excpet Byron too..wow that guy called you 6 times man sound like he is obsessed with you..gosh I am so sorry that you had such a depressin time with this guy and believe me I can relate this guy was takin me to the same resturants that me and Roger went too and I just about broke down right in front of him I was a nervous wreak instead I got myself drunk to forget.. I wish I could help ease you pain that day..I know how you must have felt..I am glad you ended it now leat you did'nt lead him on....I know what you mean you talk about your loves ones and I can tell they want you to stop it and get over it..they don't understand how we feel unless they have went through the same ordeal..It make take us awhile to love again..but we will girlfriend our man would'nt want us to be lonely the rest of our lives but I think and believe we will know when the right one comes along cause Roger and Gary will send them to us..least I believe that they would'nt want us to make a mistake and maybe Gary told us deep down to get rid of this guy...I am so proud of you for standing up and tellin him right out takes alot of guts but you did it..:)that is so sweet you teaching your little peanut to wave at the sky to say hi to Gary..bought tears to my eyes just thinkin of that little guy tryin to do that...its so sweeet..like when Byron is in his room with the door closed and he is in his crib and I hearin him jabberin away sayin dada and hearin him giggle I stand outside the door just listening and wait till Byron is done playin or talkin to his daddy before I go in cause I believe every morning Roger is in thier playin with his baby boy..I hear Byron laughin and it brings tears to my eyes each time I hear him every morning..but thankyou you are the sweeetest more caring person I know and I am so happy we meant on here also and happy Roger and Gary bought us together to be friends and to talk and try to comfort each other and help us to geth through some really hard and rough days I will always be here for you my friend always...give your sweet peanut a big kiss and hUg for me..

Love and Hugs from Me and baby Byron..

August 11, 2005

CindySue...the canoe guy was upset with me and wrote me an email saying so but I can't help it..after one date and all those fall calls etc. I told him all I want is to date on occasion..see what would happen and that I'm not in a position to start a relationship. Geesh!!! The funny thing is that when I first went out with Gary he was kinda like that (he was still married and said he was separated) and told me we were special and belonged together. I had just gotten divorced and thought this is too deep for me...I'm never gonna see this guy again but he kept showing up at my house with gifts and big ole' smile and won me over.

A friend of mine told me about this movie called The Five People You Meet In Heaven...she said it's very good and I should see it. She got it at the library..I went to the library and the copy there was lost so I went to Blockbuster and it was out...I'm going to keep searching for it. She said it will be very comforting to see this movie...it's about a man who lost his wife and when he passed what happened...she told him I was always with you. I can't wait to see it. There's a book also but I want to see the movie because I have to see this visual of heaven. Have you seen it yet???

I don't know about loving another man or even how to...it seems impossible at this point. I've been reading the book Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life and in one chapter it refers to Mel Gibson in the film Lethal Weapon 4 where he is sitting at his wife's graveside confused and upset. He has been mourning her for years and now he has met someone else, whom he also loves yet he feels if he marries her it is a betrayal of his beloved wife who was murdered. He says "Please God give me a clue about what to do" then it says at that point Joe Pesci stumbles to the rescue..he tells Mel just because you loved someone doesn't mean you're being disloyal if you love someone else "it's just different" say Pesci...explaining that each person has a different piece of your heart. No two loves are suppose to be the same. I feel that SOMEDAY we may get to this point...but the BEST we can do is simply healthy lighthearted dating. If it lead to something more okay but if not look at what we've already had...WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dating someone that is a widow is a definite plus...just keep in mind you can date however many you want...it's just a date. I think it's funny that Bryon was running around and acting like a two year old...that's what he's SUPPOSE to do...maybe the headache came from Roger behind him hitting him on the head with a hammer..LOL! Like you...I just want to get drunk during or after a date to drown out the pain. Thank God we have our children...otherwise it would be really easy to become an alcoholic at this point!!!

It's REALLY INTERESTING to me how Bryon jabbers and giggles in the morning..I agree with the thought that Roger's playing with him..that's AWESOME!!!!!!!!!

I have to believe that there is a plan for all of us...and that's why WE are here and why WE meet each other online. No wonder death is LIFE ALTERING. Since there is a plan it makes me want to do things I've always been chicken to do in the past...like ride motorcycles...go skydiving (maybe) just take more chances than I have up to now. I've always been afraid of death but I now know that if and when it happens Gary/Roger are going to be there to catch up...when it's our turn. I've gotta see that movie...my friend Julie says it's VERY POSITIVE about death.

Have a GREAT DAY CINDYSUE...LOVE AND HUGS TO YOU AND BABY BRYON!!!! CindiSue

August 11, 2005

CindySue...P.S. - Seems like I'm always thinking of something else to say to you after I post BUT...I wanted to mention DON'T let your mom get you down!!! My family is not close..my parents are divorced and have been with other spouse/mates the past 18 years and all live about a half hour away so I don't have that overhead. Keep your chin up and do what's right for YOU...your gut will tell you so...take care my dear friend!!!!

August 12, 2005

withani, (Cindisue) Thankyou for all your wisdome about so many things..I have that book the 5 people you meet in heavon I did'nt get to fish it though..I gotta read it all..I never seen the movie but I need too..you see my mom was married to my dad for 28 years alos and my dad died and she was the exact same age as me...and she stayed single for 20 years..and I don't know if she expects me to wait as long as she did or what but just cause I date does'nt mean that I am gonna marry the guy...lol..its funny when you said maybe Roger is hitting this guy over the head with a hammer..I mean its crazy I mean Byron is only 2 years old did he expect a little kid to just sit down and not make a noise and cross is hands and say please and thankyou..I mean he;s a baby he can barely talk its wierd he talked pretty good when Roger was alive and he was only 16 monthes old then and now thats he;s 2 he can barely talk he is gonna start takin speech soon..he went to his family doctor today and they told me that he is still small for his age..he's like 33 inches talll and weighs around 28 pounds..it makes me feel so good Roger plays with him every mornin this morning before I opened his bedroom door I heard byron go dada wuv you too thats how he said it and I just about passed out..cause Byron can't put sentences together he has a hard time but I swear I heard him tell his dada I wuv you..its cute how he said wuv..then when he was doneing talkin I walked in thier and he was ready to get out of his crib..I wanted to get him a toddler bed but I am afraid he would'nt go to sleep in it I feel safer hin being in his crib...Boy this guy has really fallen for you but you know when a guy chases you so much sometime the disliking can turn to love.. I know when I first meant Roger I did'nt like him at all but he kept chasing me and eventually I fell in love and I had a great 28 years of marriage with him I would'nt trade for nothing..but I do hope my dear friend you do find that special guy and he can love you and you can love him as much as Gary won't ever be the same but you can have new memeries again..I think or it sounds like he fell in love with you at first sight..thats what scarey but dating ocasionlly is good..don't settle yourself for anyless less..I hope in time my mom will ease up I mean I am a grown woman not a child anymore..but she does'nt realize how she sounds I don't wanna be alone the rest of my life but I don't wanna pick the first guy I date either...and whoever I get better except baby Byron or they know where the door is..well my dear friend I will go for now you are such a sweet friend I hope whoever you find will make you very happy...your friend forever..:)give your sweet little peanut a kiss from me..Cindysue

Love and Hugggs fro me and baby Byron

August 12, 2005

CindySue...if it sounds like wisdom I have it's from the school of hard knocks...believe me!!! Wow...your mom not dating for 20 years..that would be a tough one..no wonder she thinks you shouldn't date. Like you said..it's just dating...doesn't mean you're gonna MARRY the guy or anything!!! Dating is healthy and I don't think either one of us should turn the experience of our loves passing on into making us bitter. I smiled when I read what happened when you met Roger..that you didn't like him and he was chasing you. I had the same experience with Gary...I thought I could NEVER fall for THIS GUY..he was SO PERSISTENT!!!! I have to admit that I ended up loving all the attention he would give me...it seems hard to go to some kind of normal dating or relationship after that. I think both Roger and Gary are hard acts to follow!!!! They're probably laughing at us right now stumbling over ourselves trying to figure this out..lol! As far as canoe guy...the jury's still out on him...I dunno..red flags there..I'm not gonna worry about it.

That's peculiar that Bryon was talking well at 16 mos. and then reverted...think it has something to do with Roger's passing??? I love hearing about Bryon talking and playing with Roger...I'm really interested in knowing what this all means...I wander if babies/small children are like animals with having a special radar???

I'm going to meet a couple girlfriends tonight to hear a local band...I wish you lived closer and could meet us..it would be fun!!!

It's so strange how you can go out on a date thinking it will help only to find out it ends up setting you back. I sent a card yesterday to Gary's son Zachary...I haven't spoke to him since Gary's memorial. He's 16 and although I talked to him mom in January and February and asked her to tell him to call me I haven't heard from him and I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to talk to me or if it's because she never gave him the messages. She's a control freak...I told you she got the key and took everything Gary had in his storage unit. My name was on it and I could've done the same thing but I didn't because I've felt so paralyzed. I still done think I could go through his things at this point...too emotional...they don't have any value (we bought them at garage sales etc) but they did mean something to only he and I. Anyway...I sent his son Zachary a card (I hope he receives)wishing him a good start to a new school year. Zachary and I had been through a lot together the last year...Gary would sit in a chair late at night and ask us what we wanted of his..I'd try to make it "light" because I didn't want his son pulled into a conversation like this. I've know Zachary since he was four...now he's 16 and I can't believe we haven't talked...I know it's partly because he's a teenage and partly because he may think I let his dad down by not letting him move back in with me the last week.

I REALLY didn't think Gary was going to pass...he told me he was dying and I would get mad at him and ask him why he thought that??? That according to the tests there was nothing wrong with any of his major organs so WHY??? He'd just look at me with those big brown beautiful eyes...several times when we'd go dancing he would sit back and watch me...sometimes he insisted that I dance with this old cowboy guy that I didn't want to dance with but was a friend of Gary's...I'd tell him..I WANT TO DANCE WITH YOU...I know why now...sheeeshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I guess with that kinda history it's why the best I've been able to do is have a date on occasion and if someone tries to get closer I shut down. That's my armchair psychologist opinion anyway.

Love and Hugs to you and Baby Bryon from me and The Peanut!!!

August 13, 2005

Withani(Cindisue) yeah my mom did'nt date or even talk to a guy in over 20 years I am sorry thats not me..I don't wanna be lonely that long as much as I loved my Roger I don't wanna be alone..lol..yeah I could'nt stand Roger but he kept chasing me and would not stop...he even followed me on dates just watchin cause he wanted me so bad...and I thought ok I will go out with him just once and that once turned into alot more then what I thought..we was so young both just turning 16 and we thought wow we are in love..and we contued dating then when we both turned 18 we got married and was married till last year we celebrated 28 wonderful years of marriage..and had our girls and thought ok we are done having kids ...years went by my daughters started havin babies then boom I got pregnant with Byron and I think I cried for 3 straight monthes cause I thought oh crap me pregnant at 45 this is crazy but it was all for a reason...but Roger enjored his son for 16 monthes at least...but its wierd how Byron is clamming up talkin..he was such a daddy's boy..Roger would play with him all the time tickling him and makin him giggle..just like I hear him in the mornings..its like Roger's been gone now for a year and I swear when I hear Byron gigleing in his room its like his daddy is thier playin with him its the same kind of laugh..then he laughs and go's dada..it a;ways brings tears to my eyes all the time..I wished I lived closer to I would go out with you and your friends..this weekend I am stayin in and not doing nothing just sittin here thinkin about Roger..I'll bet Roger and Gary are friends too talkin about us...I wish Gary's ex would have a heart and let you have the few things that mean so much to you...makes me feel so sad for you...she sounds like she can be evil I know I could never do that to anyone..Gary is probably mad at her also...Its wierd you said Gary ahd big brown eyes my Roger had brown eyes too that could just pierce you..I guess we think that cause we loved them so much..you know you said Gary always talked about he was gonna die Roger did the same thing and I would tell him to quit talkin like that..he go's Cindy I am diebetic and my sugar is out of control...and it was he never wanted to take his pills as bad as his sugar level was he should have been on shots..cause eventually his heat gave out and thats why he had the massive heart attack..but its wierd how fast it killed him...as hard as everyone tried to get a heartbeat no one could so they left him in the boat..and they told me they would ship his body to the funeral home the hardest part was driving home for 2 hours I almost wreaked the car..I mean I meant up with him Friday..and Sunday night he was gone..so me and the baby went home by ourselves then I called our daughters up to tell them they went pretty upset to say the least then callin his parents was the hardest..but I know at least Roger and Gary is not in pain no more have fun going out ...you deserve it..give your sweet peanut a kiss..Cindysue

Love and Hugs from me and baby Byron

August 13, 2005

CindySue...just got back from going out with the girls..we had fun dancing. Can't imagine your mom not going out or talking to another guy in 20 years...boy have the times changed. Anyway wow! You and Roger were together for such a long time...no wonder you feel lost...I'm lost with the 11 years...sheesh!!!! Why don't those guys do what's good for them...like Roger with his pills and insulin...I'm sure Gary's conversation with his doctors went something like this...you're on borrowed time Gary...I'll never know because without being legally connected I can't get that information. All I know is whenever he wanted to talk about it I'd clam up and say I can't talk about this!!!

You're right Gary's exwife is evil...nothing he had did he purchase while the two where together and she's been married to someone else for 11 years...she's a piece of work alright. There are sketches of me...pictures of me...things Gary and I had together but I'll never see them again. Gary's landlord who is a friend of mine called me today...he calls every couple weeks to check on me which is nice. He said his son called and asked for his dad's guns...fortunately Dave (the landlord) refused to give them to him. I hope he's not thinking about coming after me since he may feel I let him down by not allowing his dad to move in with me the last week. The REAL reason I couldn't let him do this CindySue was because my daugher...Peanuts mom..lives with me and a couple years ago while Gary was drinking he tried to sleep with her...he denied it of course...but he was drunk...anyhow I couldn' have him living with me.

You won't believe what I'm doing tommorrow...I spoke with canoe guy and I'm canoeing again...hmmmm...I don't know about me sometimes. Anyway...I'll write later...hope you enjoy the weekend.

Love and hugs...CindiSue and Peanut!!!!

August 14, 2005

withani(Cindisue) yeah I feel like I been married and with Roger all my life..he was such a good husband ..he never once even gettin mad ever called me a bitch even though I know I was to him specially when I had a monthly cycle then no one could talk to me lol..I am still that way..I mean he would look at me and I go What why you staring don't look at me or talk to me and that would last a few days then I was fine...poor Roger was so quite them days..he always dreaded them days everytime I was crabby he go's oh crap its your month...damn the things I miss..I have no one to get mad at no more when that happens..thats what I loved about him so much he respected me so much and never called me a bad name or let anyone else call me a name..he was bought up very good his parents are such sweet people they are in thier 80's and takin Rogers death so hard Roger was thier baby they lost thier first son when he was 30 and now Roger..they have one child left a girl..and Rogers sister I do not get along with she's a real bitch to me and my girls and she only saw Byron once and that was at Rogers funeral..But anyways I am glad you got home safe and sound and had a good time..and I hope you have a good time today canoeing again..as long as your happy is what makes a difference..just have fun...I think Gary knew deep in his heart he was not gonna live long like Roger and they was tryin to prepare us..but thats somethin we did'nt wanna hear..I always thought Roger would at least see Byron grow up he always talked and kept sayin when Byron turns 16 I am gonna buy him a new car.. but I guess no one knows when thier time is up..Byron was 15 in a half monthes old when Roger died..I am glad he enjoyed that much with him at least..wow that too bad that you can't have the sketches of you and Gary that would break my heart if soemone did that too me..damn girl I wish this evil bitch of a person would at least give you that...sorry for the words but it makes me mad that she has to take your special memories away from you how can someone be that cruel ..its beyond me I just could never be that way..do you think Gary tried that with your daughter? and if he did I am sure he did'nt realize it or even remember doing that...he loved you I am sure he would'nt have done that if he realized what he was really doing alchol can really effect your mind..I was lucky Roger did not drink hardly at all and when he did it was with me and he drank maybe 2 beers at the most probably once a week or every other week..I drank more then he did...well my sweet friend I hope you had a great time this weekend..give your sweet peanut a big kiss..Cindysue

Hugs and Love ..from me and Baby Byron

August 14, 2005

CindySue...wow some weekend. I'm glad I went out with the girls Friday...it was fun. Saturday I went with "canoe man" canoeing AGAIN..thought I'd give it another try but I don't know CindySUe...don't think I can do this..he gets mad at me when I talk about Gary. Also..Sunday he asked me to go to the flea market...Gary and I did this EVERY SUNDAY for 11 years..I made the mistake of going and I kept looking for him..Gary was so tall that I'd always go a few booths done and stand on my tippy toes to wave at him...MISTAKE...SHOULD NOT HAVE GONE.

Roger sounds like such a gem...never calling you a bad name or drinking too much. Gary unfortunately called me several bad names...but only while drinking of course. I have know idea exactly how much other than to say I think it was probably a minimum of a couple gallons of whisky and vodka a week. After he passed the liquor store where he lived told his landlord that he was one of their best customers..sad. Yes...I do think he came on to Mandee (the sad part was I was sleeping in the other room because I had to get up early for work)...I hate to keep excusing him but I think we didn't remember and I didn't know who to believe because at the time she had lied to me about going to college and stuff. So that's when I started splitting my week in half..I banned him from my home and would spend half the week with the kids and the other half when they were at their dads I spent it over Garys. I was a fool for love...that's for sure!!! But...I do it all over again.

That is sooooo sad how Roger's parents lost a son at 30 and then Roger and their in the 80's...I would go insane. I don't have far to go..somedays I really do feel insane since Gary's passing.

Gary's ex is a bitch...real control freak. His landlord called me Friday and said Gary's son asked for Gary's guns...he had a few rifles and his landlord wouldn't give them to him. Thank GOD!!! I never told his son about his dad coming on to Mandee and I know he's mad at me for not letting his dad move back in...makes me wonder if he was planning on shooting me.

I hope you had a good weekend CindySue...we deserve all the good weekends we can get...it just seems tough to get more in than a good few hours before everything comes crashing in...again.

Take care...LOVE and HUGS from CindiSue and Peanut.

August 15, 2005

withani(Cindisue) I am so glad you had fun..makes me happy..well least you know how you feel about the canoe man...the guy I was dating a few times..he is upset with me cause I did'nt feel like going out...I made the iggest mistake in my life Cindisue and I gotta tell someone..and I can't think of a better friend then you...I am afraid I was drinkin to much with this guy the last time and we had sex..what scares me is I did'nt use no protection..stupid me..now I am afraid what if I get pregnant again? oh gosh what did I do..I been cryin everyday since..I am soooo stupid..I feel like a teenager worrying now..but the last thing I want is another baby at my age..what is wrong with me..I am supposed to love Roger I feel like I cheated even though Roger passed away..I am not no good now..what was I thinkin..the problem was I was not thinking..I pray I don't get preganant now..then I get some bad news that Roger's mom is in bad shape..she is diebetic also,,and is in bad shape and on dialisis and today I got a call from my father-in-law sayin she is in ICU and they don't really expect her to make it..she has givin up since Roger died.. Anyways enough about me...wow Gary drank alot..it must have really damaged his organs..I feel so bad for him that he could'nt stop..just remember if he did do this to your daughter you did the right thing keepin him away..but please keep it in my mind..he was drunk and not in his right mind he would never hurt you..if he was in his rightmind..but I still think he had to been a very special person or you would'nt have loved him so much...I dislike his ex so much puttin you through the stuff she is doing...what go's around comes around and the same thing will happen to her and I hope it does then she will feel the pain that you are going through...please be careful I don't trust that family..I am worried for you my friend..please know I am always here for you anytime..I know what you mean about things crashing down..thats the way I feel all the time..just when I think I am feelin better somethin happens..I will go for now gonna see if my mother-in-law is doing any better but I guess they don't give her much hope.. talk to you soon my dear friend..Cindysue

Hugs and Love from me and Baby Byron..

August 15, 2005

CindySue...I'm sorry to hear about your mother in law...I hate to say it but I can't blame her wanting to give up after Rogers passing with also having lost another son earlier in life..whew..how much can a person stand. Fortunately she's in her 80's and has lived a long life..it's my understanding it's no picnic being a diabetic later in life..you can have gangrene set in and lose limbs. Sounds like her soul is ready to be reunited with her sons...we know if the worse happens they'll be there to catch her

As far as the "widow guy"...that makes me angry with these guys when they get upset because you don't want to go out...too much PRESSURE!!! I know how you feel with the drinking too much and then having sex. Sad to say.. but I've done the same...and have felt just like you...like I've cheated on Gary and then I brow beat myself for the next few weeks. I HATE that feeling!!! The only way I guess to explain it would be we're still fairly young and need physical contact. In my case..I went through menopause a couple years ago so I don't have the worry that you do..also my tubes were tied when I had my youngest son 17 years ago. There is probably a very slim chance that you would be pregnant..I know it's hard but try not to worry. If so..just cross that bridge when you come to it and do what you think is necessary. I feel so vulnerable when it comes to men now...don't know if they're using me or vice versa. Wish I could stay away from because it's not worth the overhead that you feel afterwards but unfortunately that's not me.

Gary...even with his illness...showered me with LOTS of attention. He was a VERY SPECIAL man and I loved him with every fiber of my being...he was the only man I even knew that actually listened to me and made me feel special. He pleaded with me for nine years to marry him..get my tubes reversed and have a baby but I was right in the thick of raising three children as a single parent and didn't think he would be responsible enough to help out financially.

Gary was raised in foster care and had a lot of emotional baggage...he also had a bad back and started drinking at a young age..he was able to hide the large amounts from me for many many years because I was just simply too busy with my full time job and raising children. My kids were also very involved with extracurricular activities so I'd work all day..come home..drive them to school which is 1/2 hour away one way for their extracurricular activities...such was wrestling..baseball..cheerleading..drama club..sometimes get home around 9 or 10 help with homework and then get up and do it all over again the next day. Maybe I was in denial about his drinking..who knows. About two years before Gary passed he told me that when he was in the army he murdered 27 people for the government..not in war but just something the government does and that these people were coming back to "haunt" him (this was the first time he mentioned this and at this point we had been together 10 years..I wasn't sure if it was true or the alcohol just going to his brain). Believe me..I tried and tried but could not stop loving him. It was pretty crazy...lost many friends over my relationship with him but I would do it all over again just to feel the way I felt when I was with him. As far as banning him from the house...I had to..it was my daughter and I was caught in the middle. The last six months of his life I told my daughter Gary was very sick..you could see it..and how much he would love to meet Peanut so he and she made amends and the "ban" was lifted. In addition to him coming on to my daughter (she was 19 at the time) Gary had broken into my house a couple times the first time was when I tried to call it off two years into the relationship he was living with me and said he was going to kill himself because I was going out with friends and pulled my phones out of the wall and smashed my clocks so I couldn't tell what time it was at this point my family stopped speaking with him and he was not permitted to attend family functions...the second time I told him he was going to have to move because there was just too much tension between he and my daughter...this was a few years before "the incident" and he did move to a camper he owned and had parked where he was working that year...a few days later he broke in and laid across me with a butcher knife saying he was going to cut his heart out if I wouldn't see him anymore. I've spent much time feeling like I have screw lose because even though I had him arrested twice I continued to see him but I'll tell you CindySue..I just couldn't stop...I LOVED being with him and always hoped he would get it together...the eternal optimist.

I think part of Gary's ex's problem is she still loved him...even though she's been married 12 years to someone else and had been having an affair with this guy two years before they divorced she tried to make his life miserable. She kept crying while she was speaking at his memorial..then she had their wedding album there and she had a microphone and sang the song "I Hope You Dance". I don't know whether to sympathize with her or be angry with her. I AM angry that she has our things..that was why Gary put my name on his storage unit ..but emotionally I couldn't go there and legally she would've had me sued I'm sure. Gary wanted me to get insurance on him and I didn't...I felt like that would be a self fulfilling prophacy. I don't know if I mentioned this but a couple months after he passed...I'm in Sales.. I lost my job becaue of my production I was having a hard time getting out there with a happy face. Anyway unemployment right now and it's enough to meet my bills but I've gotta get back to work soon...my problem is I just don't care.

My thoughts and prayers are with you while you go through this with your mother in law and well as the thoughts you have on your mind from your date (you're NOT STUPID..it's very natural)...LOVE AND HUGS from CindiSue and Peanut.

August 15, 2005

P.S. - I have the habit of doing this CindySue...with the P.S.'s

I don't want you to think poorly of Gary because of some of the things in my post...he was a WONDERFUL man as you mentioned before with a bad disease. He danced with me every Saturday...made me supper hot pepper cheese omelets in bed on Sundays..introduced me to flea marketing and garage sales..made me get on rides at the amusement park that would scare me but I'd be glad I went on after the fact..bought the movies What Dreams May Come and Mulan Rouge and he would sing and cry while watching them...made sure I was warm in the winter by putting a little portable heater under a blanket for me..made me feel and LOVED ME VERY MUCH

August 15, 2005

Withani(Cindisue) I wish I could feel better about what I done but it seems like after he got what he wanted from me he more or less leaves me alone I feel like he used me..he is on this site and I have writtten him a few times and he would not answer I said well I feel like now I was used he got me to bed and I don't hear from him..after I told him the other week that I did'nt feel like going out I feel like he got me drunk took advantage and never bothers writing or callin me unless he does later...but you know what I don't care..I don't need a guy like that I wanna find someone too love me and not just for one thing..besides he was too short anyway..but I pray I am not pregnant..thats the last thing I want or need specially when I don't love the guy ..not even sure I love him now..I feel so bad what I have done..I feel now this guy used me..for his own satisfaction..maybe I am wrong..but who to trust anymore...I don't think bad of Gary one bit he had to been a good guy or you would'nt have loved him your a smart woman..and to me it seems like you don't fall in love with just anyone..you did the right thing kickinhg him out he did bad things but he had to live with it..the hard way..but he did'nt deserve to die the way he did at such a young age..man that hot peper cheese omelet sounds really good..never had it but it sounds good..he sounds like he was a wonderful guy in alot of ways also..just remember the good times..and I am sure thier are plenty of them..no one will ever replace Gary or be like him he was one of a kind and you loved him..and your right it sounds like his ex stilled loved him..I mean she acted like he was still her husband at the services,,that would make me mad..he was your man..and was with you..damn why can't she be nice for once in her pathetic life and give you what you and Gary had together instead of keepin it for spite..she makes me so mad..but anyway wanted to write you again and thankyou for main me feel better..yes and thankyou for sayin that about my mother-in-law..your right she is givin up..makes me sad to hear my father-in-law cry..he is so scared he is 84 and its hard on him...its wierd both Rogers parents are diebetic and Roger was..now I am scared fo my kids I can only hope they never become one..the risks are high..but I will pray they don't ever get it...I will talk to you again soon my sweet frien..Cindysue.

Hugs and love from me and baby byron

August 15, 2005

Hi There CindySue!!!

DON'T BE ANGRY WITH YOURSELF!!!!!! It's only human nature to want the company of a guy at a time like this...it makes me mad that he's on this site and has the nerve not to answer your letters back!!! There are a lot of frogs out there and just the fact that HE as a widower himself is using it for his own selfish reasons just makes me sick...I don't think there are many that can be trusted. I hate to sound bitter but geesh...we're all so vulnerable right now I don't understand how he could do that!!! I wish I could say I haven't had that type of experience since Gary's passing but I have and I have to just chalk it up as some people are just no good. Did you take a pregnancy test or anything yet??? If it's been awhile since your period you may be starting menopause also..I'm 48 and stopped having periods about 3 years ago. At first I thought I was pregnant and I bought a test and nothing showed on it negative or positive...so then I bought another..then another..same thing and that's how I found out I was going through menopause.

Sorry to hear your father in law is so scared...that's sad at 84..even though you know by then it's inevitable..part of life. I guess I could say that was one positive thing that came from Gary's passing is I'm not afraid to die anymore because I know he's waiting for me with guitar in hand and hopefully a hot pepper cheese omelet

As I'm sure Roger was...these guys are tough acts to follow...I know a new relationship is going to be different but geesh....I LOVE THE OLD ONE!!!! Where do you go from there??? Like a mentioned earlier...I've had a couple dates here and there and I throw them out after the second date...it's like..nah..nah...nah..they just bug me!!!

Even if one or more of your children end up with diabetes there is so much research going on that with a health diet they'll be just fine. We just have to get baby Bryon through this hurdle. I bet he was the apple of Roger's eye...a baby boy!!! Roger's going to make sure everything goes well.

Don't worry dear friend...LOVE AND HUGS...CindiSue and Peanut.

August 16, 2005

Withani(Cindisue)your not gonna believe this he finally wrote back just to put me down...he go;s Cindy when me and you and Byron went out I am sorry but your child gave me a headach with his cryin and he go's the whole 5 hours we went to the park with your little one you only changed his diaper 3 times and I thought that was not ok at all..and then he goes you let your littlee boy play in the mud puddle..then he go's when you put the car seat in my car I had some grave concerns the car seat was not clean enough..My god he made me feel like I wa sa dirty aweful person..and get this he did'nt say these thing to me till I said I did'nt wanna go out with him just this past weekend then when I asked him what was up in a letter and why he was not responding this is what he came up with..and he go's I did'nt tell you before cause I thought you might not take it the right way..Cindisue I have'nt been this hurt since Roger died I feel like I was used for one thing..and to put my baby Byron down I wanted to punch this guy out..I cried when he said this in a letter..no I am not late with my period I am still havin monthly cycles its I worry alot cause I sure don't want another child..I have a feeli my period is gonna start I feel bloated and crampy..I guess I worry alot..I am not doe for another week or two..how can a guy be so hurtful to me..I felt like he did'nt like my Byron..and I don't know why..he;s such a sweet baby..he goes he a cute kid but he gave me a headach..so I told him in a letter never to write me or call me again I will never go out with him again..my child will always come first..I did'nt think anyone could hurt me this bad..but his words cut me deep..damn I wish I had Roger back my heart is breakin so much Cindisue..I feel like maybe no one will except my baby.. I am scared to date again..I am so stupid for lettin him have sex with me..thats all that creep wanted I deserve better then that...he used me plain and simple..or I am too dunb to realize that..your right Roger was sp proud of his son..he would show him off too everyone..he was a daddys boy for sure he would give such big smiles and gigles when Roger would pick him up to play..now he just attaches himself to me always kissing me and huggin me he is such a loving little guy...he will go to anyone and just kiss them..or hug them..he loves to do that...but I am sorry I am such a downer tonight juts was a upsetting day..plus I had some female contact me and go wow your 47 and have a 2 year old how does it feel to be a whore I'll bet your daughters are proud to have a mother that is a whore..I'll bet you was a whore all your life. then she goes take your pics off of yahoo cause your makin all us females sick...so here I am cryin bout one thing then another..feel so sad today.. thanks for always being here for me Cindisue..your are a true friend..

Love and Hugs from me and Baby Byron..

August 16, 2005

CindySue...what a creep that guy was!!!!!!!!!! But remember..he's just one guy and anyone that can't get along with a two year old has a lot of issues. What jerky things he said to you...and what gets me is he was playing you by being a widower...that's very low of him. I'm sorry you had to go through that...just brush your self off cause that guy is NOBODY!!!!

As far as the woman who wrote you...man what's HER PROBLEM!!!! I can only think she's jealous...you're very attractive and your daughters are very proud...don't let her get you down..you don't look your age and she's probably BIG with a BIG WART ON HER NOSE...LOL!!!!

Put those two emails where they belong IN THE GARBAGE CAN!!!! Tommorrow's another day and I'm positive there are REAL PEOPLE out there with REAL FEELINGS...we just gotta be patient friend.

LOVE AND HUGS FROM CINDISUE AND PEANUT!!!! AND AN EXTRA HUG FROM THE ABUSE YOU HAD TO TAKE FROM IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 16, 2005

withani(Cindisue) Thankyou for the nice message..I have'nt dated in so long I did'nt know guys could be so mean...I mean he thought it was abusive to let my 2 year old play in a mud puddle I mean Byron was havin so much fun..then he go's he's 2 years old and he's that scared to get on a swing and a slide..he made me feel like my child was dumb or something was wrong with him. I had a feeling hw was'nt gonna except Byron and that makes me feel sad..not that I was attached real bad to this guy..but who could not like a 2year old baby..I can't amagine..he thought that it would be better if I gave my child to my daughter..he is crazy I could never give up Byron..for all I know they guy may not be a widower like he claims..he go's I feeel so guilty havin sex with you cause all I thought about was my beautiful wife..but I did have a good time he said..and I was so mad I told him sorry I wish I could say the same thing..the whole time we had sex ..I was thinkin damn no one can be Roger in that department..I guess I wanted to hurt him like he did me..I was used..he went out with me just till he got his sex..and then when I told him I wanted a few week break from dating that is when he got pissed and said well crap just go ahead and date your 400 other boyfriends..he go's I know you was daring others..I thought man he lost it..I was seein nobody..but I will try not to let it interfere on me dating again..hopefully the next one will like kids..

This girl that wrote me I don't understand her one bit and don't understand why my pictures would piss her off so much..and she thought that was aweful me havin a 2 year old at my age..but he was a miracle that Roger gave me and I treasure him everyday..he does'nt deserve that kind of treatment..he will always come first before any guy..I wish the pain would go away Cindisue..I guess I am not used to being hurt by a guy but I guess it can happen..and to have someone hate me so much as this lady does really hurts me..cause I try so hard to make people like me..I hate it when someone dislikes me..for no reason..hate it even more when I am called a whore when I am not.I seen a pic of this lady she is 47 also..and he was a heavyset lady and not very attractive..but did I write her a nasty letter no..I could'nt be as mean to her as she was to me..I thought if I do that what good would that do..don't know if it would make me feel better or not..lastnight nothing could I was so down..do you think I will love again and someone will love me and Byron? I am giving up hope thier are any nice guys around...I am on a site called plentyoffish its a dating site and its free and I been gettin so many replies on thier.. from guys of all ages.. but I am scared they all seem to use the same line I will except your baby and love him as my own and I will treat you like a princess.. now I am thinkin yeah right you are just all perverts wanting a good time..I don't know who to trust no more..I miss Roger so much and to me I can't see anyone better then him..Roger and Gary were one of a kind..seems like only the best ahve to die so young...thanks for th hugs I really need them..maybe then I can stop cryin so much my eyes are almost swollen shut..from everything..thats been happening..maybe someday things will look up for me..I'll tell you since meeting you here I feel so much better you have been suc a very good friend to me..that It just makes me so happy to even know you..You always have a way to make me feel better with your words..Byron went to speech today to try to talk..its hard for him...he gets so frustrated..but hopefully soon he will catch up..well thanks my dear friend for being here..Cindysue

Love and Hugs from me and Baby Byron.

August 16, 2005

P.S. now its my turn I am sorry sometimes my spelling really sucks when I type my eyes have been swollen and its kinda hard to see..so I hope you can read my letter ok..I need to open my eyes more when I type....once again thanks my sweet friend..hugggggs,Cindysue

August 16, 2005

Hi CindySue!!!! The more I hear about the widow guy that you had a couple dates with the more I REALLY DON'T LIKE HIM!!! You did nothing wrong...2 year olds playing in mud puddles is part of what they do..and as far as his slide and swing comment...what a horrible AND inaccurate thing to say!!! This guy was a superjerk so DON'T take ANY of it personal...REALLY!!! Sometimes it's like stepping on landmines out there...many..many with REAL ISSUES. They make Gary's alcohol problem look like nothing!!! Yes I am POSITIVE that you will find someone that will love both you and Bryon...without a doubt..probably when you least expect it. It's hard to say if internet dating is worth it or not...I'm on Match.Com and I went out with a couple guys but usually after 2 dates I've had it. I'm very critical and they just can't match up to Gary. I'm sure it's even MORE difficult for you since you haven't dated in so long...like I said before...get used to kissing a lot of frogs. Maybe you could meet someone decent through Parents Without Partners..some are divorced and some are widowed and they would definitely be into children. Don't worry too much about Bryon and speech etc...he's a beautiful baby boy and is only two years old..what a gift you have!!! I can't believe that jerky date would go so far as even SUGGEST your daughter raise him. That guy needs to be thrown into a dumpster!!!!

As far as the lady's email to you....what a b**ch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You took the high road by not writing back...she didn't deserve even a reply. I DO THINK she's just jealous. You're attractive and thin...she just has issues like so many.

Hang in there dear friend...sorry the world's been beating up on you. Hold your head high and give Bryon a big hug. Love and Hugs...CindiSue and Peanut.

August 17, 2005

Withani(Cindisue) After awhile I was questioning myself wondering if I was a good mommyafter he said this..it was like a big blow to me. Thankyou for makin me feel beter. Byron was having so much fun playin that I seen nothing wrong with what he was doing he was having fun like all 2 year olds..what bothers me he acted like I raped him when he was'nt ready and I thought OMG he was like all over me then later he tells me that he atill loved his late beautiful wife..and he was sorry he gave me mixed feelings I told him not to flatter himself..that I did'nt even enjoy myself with him sexually and did'nt think of him like he did me thier was times he would call me and go Cindy Cindy Cindy I can't get you off my mind well I sure did'nt lead him on I did'nt feel the same way...I know how he is now if you say no to him he gets pissed..and comes up with all this crap..now thanks to him I don't know who to trust and who not too so many guys come out with bullshit lines and I hate it..

As for this lady that hates me I did'nt think she was worth my time even though she hurt me I never expected to get pregnant at 45 it was a gift from God and the last precious child my dear husband left me..and I don't regret having him one bit. To me he was a miracle specially after not havin another child for 19 years cause my youngest daughter was 19..but the Godd Lord had other plans and I am so happy for having him. Your right she probably is jealous but I don't understand how jealously can make a person hateful when they don't even know the person..I guess I could never be that mean I was taught to love everyone and I do except sometimes it is hard to even like some people speacilly the guy I was seeing and the bitch that wrote me. But whoever I date I am not gonna change my ways I am gonna let Byron play and do what he wants as long as it don't hurt him. I fee like I been blessed having him all way around..for one it was a miracle to even carry a baby at 45 and to have him come out healty except for his heart condition but that was something that was probably inherited anyways. But I feel my baby will be ok with his daddy watchin over him..I could never ever give up my child for a guy and never would..what kind of mother would I be doing something that aweful..Thankyou Cindisue for everything you always brighten up my sad days..and belive me I have more sad days lately then happy ones..I been such a nervous wreak that I have not ate anything for 3 days and I am feelin the effect..I gotta eat somethin..if my syomach can take it..Give your sweet littel peanut a kiss for me and tell your daughter hi for me..she is lucky to have a sweet and beautiful mom like you that cares so much about people..Thier a special place for you up in heaven when your time is here and Gary will be waiting by yourside..but I hope that is'nt for a long time..my friend..take care and will write later and thankyou again for listening to me...Cindysue..

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron

August 18, 2005

CindySue..I hope today becomes a GOOD DAY for you!!! I'm stunned the horrible things that people can say and do...just when you think you've heard it all..I read your posting and thought wow! First of all the guy...WHAT A CREEP..to even hint giving up a child..he's got BIG PROBLEMS!!! Who to trust and not to is the million dollar question...I guess just trust your instinct and don't beat yourself up too much...this happens to ALL OF US!!! Unfortunately that guy was untrusting and JERKY..sorry you had to go through that.

Then there's that crazy woman...GEEZ!!! You should not have to explain having a child at 45 to anyone...DON'T LET HER CRUEL WORDS AND THOUGHT GET TO YOU. You can't think like she does and THAT'S A GOOD THING!!!! You know Gary's exwife and her husband had twins when she was 46...nothing wrong with that or any other ages having a child...as you mentioned...THEY'RE GIFTS!!!!

I am unusually happy...I had a vision Wednesday morning when I went back to sleep after my son went to school...it was so strange..I saw the sky and clouds as well as a rock like you'd see out west..the a silouette next to it of a man from the mid shoulders up...I was wide awake except my eyes werent' open...it was so strange. CindySue...I think the man was Gary..had I not opened my eyes I think I would have seen him!!!! I posted it on the ADC site for interpretation and it's made me happy. I'm hope I keep having these because I don't EVER want to stop having a relationship with him. No matter whether I date or not. I used to always say to Gary..."you will always be with me and I will always be with you"...

Wish me good luck today...I have an interview in a field that I've never worked..working with "Special" children and adults...I'm excited about it!

Have a good day my friend...lots of HUGS and LOVE...CindiSue and Peanut.

P.S. - I THINK BRYON is VERY LUCKY HE HAS SUCH A LOVING MOTHER...GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!

August 19, 2005

Withani(Cindisue) You always know what to say to make me feel so much better, about things I know I could'nt believe the guy wanted me to give up my sweet baby I told him where he can go and told him all kinds of crap in a letter I told him how his heighth I had a big problem with I told him I like tall big goodlookin guys like my late husband...lol..I had to make him feel as bad as he did me..actually it the truth I want the tall guys thiers another guy that wants to meet me he is divorced and had custody of his sons and he said that his kids would always come first too and he don't blame me for wanting to put my child first,,but you know I don't know who to trust they all tell you a bunch of crap..they tell you how beautiful you are just so they can get you to bed..they use such stupid ass lines they go did the fall hur I go huh they go did it fall when you fell from the heaven cause you sure look like an angel...and I thought please I herd so many lines how do I know they are not fillin me up with bull..It just makes me feel funny when other men tell me this I am used To Roger tellin me how beautiful I am then when another guy tell me this I start to shake and cry..what is wrong with me Cindisue??? why does that scare me..I just wanna hide my face when they tell me that...Some women can be so mean sometimes and I don't know why they send me rude comments when I try to be nice but they always have to say somethin to make me feel bad..and now I find myself cryin alot..too easy sometimes...WOW that dream you had that gave me a chill I think Gary is commin to you my friend to let you know he is ok and that he loves you..that dream means something..You will never stop having a realtionship with your love..he loved you as you did him and he will always be in your heart no matter who your with...I dream about my Roger all the time and its always when we are in the boat enjoyin ourselves him laughin and playin with Byron putting Byron on his shoulders... damn now I am cryin thinkin of all them goodtimes..oh gosh How I wish I could have him back with me again why did he have to leave this earth so unexpectedly...so fast..I feel like I never got the chance to say goodbye but right before he took his last breathe he looked at me with tears and tried so hard to say somethin but it would'nt come out..and he put his head back took his last breathe and was gone...I remember screamming for help then I felt like the whole time they were doing CPR on him in the boat I was screamming please don't leave me..but when I seen his face turning blue I had theis bad feelin he was gone..my life will never be the same but I am glad me and the baby was with him at his last moment...I wish I could get that image out of my head the way he died ..but at least he died right where he would have wanted to in his boat with me and his baby with him bout our daughters feel so bad cause they were not with him too..but I am glad they was'nt I don't want them to remember him in that way...Thankyou Cindisue for sayin that about me..being a good mother I really try..its hard though being a mommy and daddy but I could never give up on my sweet little guy...Give that sweet little peanut of yours a big kisss...Cindysue

Love And Hugs From Me And Baby Byron..

August 19, 2005

CindySue...the million dollar question when you start dating is definitely WHO CAN YOU TRUST???!!! I've yet to figure that out and I think part of me doesn't want to figure it out because I just simply don't care. I'm glad you put that creep in his place...I don't like him. I know what you mean about other guys complimenting you..I have a tough time with that as well. The Canoe Guy after the first date said he was falling in love with me..second date he said he IS in love with me and I told him if he's going to talk like that I'm not going to do anything else with him. He was offended but I told him I'm not in the position nor do I want to be ANYONE's girlfriend...that I'm grieving and the best I can do is date on occasion.

I DO THINK Gary is DEFINITELY coming through...these dreams and visions make me so happy. CindySue I loved him so much unconditionally and he loved me so much..we made so many mistakes but the love was always there.

I feel bad that you have the image of Roger's last moments...how difficult that must be...I felt guilty for a long time with not being there at the moment of Gary's last breath so I guess it's like a double edge sword. Either you're there and you keep replaying what you witnessed or your not and you bang your head against the wall thinking you should have been. Which is the lesser of two evils??? Who knows.

Our lives will never be the same........................................

On a lighter note...I am going to start working for a Rehabilitation Center here part time...20 hours a week. The pay is less than 1/2 of what I'm used to making..but the rewards will be tremendous. I'll also have to work another job to make ends meet but I'm just taking baby steps. I have this need to be with people who need me and in the rehab center it is for the mentally disabled from 5-21...I'll start in about a week.

Take care my friend...what out for wolves in sheep clothing...LOVE & HUGS to you and Bryon from CindiSue and Peanut.

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