Loss of an Adult Child

[kathy714]

To all the beautiful poems and songs,they really are comforting to read ,thank you all for sharing,may we all find peace,Kathy,Nates mom

[starlight1]

Briangeez and Daveydow, Thanks for the wonderful poems. They brought me to tears but in a positive way. They said what is in my heart.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom, I'm so, so sorry that you've had this horror happen to you twice. There are no words, as we all know too well, but do know that another heartbroken mom is thinking about you along with all your other friends on this site.

-Sandy

[starlight1]

I don't know if I've posted this poem before or not but I think it's worth repeating if I did. I read this outloud at David's 21st birthday gathering at the cematary last April before we released the balloons. It really speaks to me and I hope you like it too:

The Ship

I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until at length she hangs

like a speck of white cloud

just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says:

There, she is gone!

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says:

There, she is gone! There are other eyes watching her coming,

and other voices ready to take up the glad shout:

Here she comes!

And that is dying.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Starlight1, what a beautiful poem, with such a meaning. Dying is a transition from one place to another. Thank you for sharing this poem so we can understand the journey our children have taken.

[wnf4ever]

Kathy714 - I again, will NEVER forget that horrible telephone call I received. They found my beautiful son Warren passed in his car in a grocery store parking lot - I will NEVER get over this!! His girlfirend's mom was the one that called (I think) and I threw the phone as far across the room as I could after hanging it up - I remember just screaming "NO" over and over again. They were calling from the coroner's office. I remember thinking it just had to be a mistake too, there was just NO WAY this was possible... The nightmare is there to greet us every morning, isn't it? It will never go away... It does make me especially sadddened too because I too remember that pretty much every friend that came to Warren's service assured me they would keep in touch, see how we were doing, etc. I've heard from maybe two?? I have made some close and special friends through Compassionate friends - they are amazing! I have been so mad lately (besides eternally sad) because I'm going to miss so much with Warren! Warren was almost 26 years old. Now he's going to have a son that will never know just how wonderful, fun and loving his dad was - it's up to us to relay all that to this baby boy. Talk about bittersweet!! I can't even think about it without breaking down in tears. I truly hope we (my daughter and I) are up to it...

As always, I will keep all of you in my prayers.

[daveydow1]

Wnf4ever,

Your post reminded me of how I took the news of my son's death.

At first, when the State Highway Patrol came to our home, with

four officers getting out of the car, I had a feeling of dread.

Since we had a 6 mo. old baby girl die quite a few years ago, we

have always felt unlucky. Hers was an accidental death (choking).

So when we were told the tragic news of our son's death,(highway accident), I wanted not to believe it, but something came over me very

soon, and I knew that it had to be true, as much as I hated the

reality. I think that any time parents hear this kind of horrible

news they may react in many different ways. There is nothing

worse. I pray for you Wnf4ever, & all who have angel days coming up, and hope that

you can get through that day somehow. Peace to all my friends here.

[wnf4ever]

Dear Daveydow1:

The reaction to hearing such tragic and unbelievable news is something you look back as as a nightmare, definitely. I felt like I was floating and watching someone else that it was happening to, it couldn't be me losing my son!! That's what was so AWFUL, you just can't comprehend that it's happening to you, that you have lost your child, one that is beyond dear to you! How can you go on living without them in your life?!?!

I AM SO SORRY to hear about your losing your six month old baby girl and then your son. I don't know what to say, but to imagine going through that more than once...I'm so sorry... I pray for you too, that you somehow find peace and can continue to get through each second to the best of your ability. Please take care...

[rmcaggiano]

Hello to everyone.........

I KNOW none of us will EVER forget "THAT" phone call. The "horror" of

it will remain in our minds FOREVER. Whoever or anyone that has

particpated in "Compassionate Friends" will or has found that they

are indeed some sort of "strength", I have been in contact with a woman

who lost her daughgter in 1985 and she is "still" ready to "crack" or

breakdown............IT'S OUR CHILDREN THAT WE'VE LOST.

Since I've been in counseling and I have been in contact with "Compassiote

Friends", I know that a part of us that we always thought would be with

us............SO MANY PEOPLE TAKE FOR GRANTED!

Anyway, I'm not sure why I wrote this message.......I'm sure ALL of you

understand.......

Rose

[kathy714]

Today as i read these messages every one seems to apply in one way or another. First my prayers are with those who have lost 2 children,my heart goes out to you all. Dear rmcaggiano,i to get upset when i see parents taking there children for granted,and a strange thing is ,i always felt this way even before the loss of my son. Dear Starlight,i love that poem,and a friend read a version of it that he said he had wrote, at Nathan's service,and he was so nervous that he read it so fast ,no one really knew what he was talking about,but it was really sweet and when i read it after and saw what a beautiful meaning it had i loved it ever since.Peace to all ,you are all in my prayers,Kathy,Nates mom

[alwaysmyjennifer]

In about 30 days will be my daughter's birthday, and I'm feeling like I could scream. It's a warm day, so I'd like to go outside with her, and wash her Camaro with her, and know if she's like my son, who begs to drive my old Vette. I went to Compassionate Friends, a really great group of people, and they told me of another group called Parents of Murdered Children. I haven't had the strength to go yet, but one of my friends told me he'd accompany me for the next meeting. Maybe I'll try to go to the next meeting. It took weeks to say Jennifer's real name, not just her adopted name. I still have such difficulty saying that M word. I still have moments of wanting to run from the reality that she was killed this way. I need to finish crying, so please know I'm thinking of you all. I wish you enough for the peace you need.

[rhonda68]

I am so frustrated and angry I was wondering if someone here might be able to help its seems like i am living in a world of a bunch of morons. Someone gave me the comment today that nothing is so bad you cant get threw it. Well I wonder if she would like to try this. I was also told by someonelse that when one door closes another one opens not what the f is this suppose to mean. I hate people and I just want to stay way from them. HELP I AM DESPERATE!

Rhonda

[griffinsmom]

Rhonda68-

People say the dumbest things- one door closes, another opens....how ludicrous....God dosen't give you more than you can handle....The only handling Im doing is staying alive and taking care of the baby- my happiness is when she smiles- etc...but my soul is forever broken, as the truest love in my life is not here to tell me Im not fat...(there are other people much fatter)...to ask me why Im all dressed up- when only my clothes match for a change...I'd say this is killing me slowly- I do want to live for Gianna, though- where a few months ago, 'she would be fine without me'....what a hell on earth this is

Always my Jennifer- Bad day? Go to the meeting-

You know- unless we are at fault for our childrens passing, we just cannot feel guilty for it- I try to remind myself that Griffin is (according to "him") fine where he is, and why are you crying when I am fine....Personally, I just miss him so much it really does hurt- and I don't know how to get out of the chasing your tail thing with my missing him. Nothing I do, dont do, think, say, nothing will bring him back. But then again, I cant use the "D" word either- and can't really buy into the idea that I won't be seeing Griffin again here as we were- I just cant handle that thought-not to complain too much, but I feel like a frosen sheet of glass that will shatter if you touch it, like Im going to shatter into oblivion myself for the past couple days. WOW. How are we supposed to continue living without our children?

Hope for peace to all-sorry, Always my Jennifer, that you are having such a bad day.

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda68,i am feeling the same way these days,i know this is selfish,but i can't stand watching all these happy families together,all i want is my family to be whole again,i want my son Nathan back.Then when people make stupid remarks,like those that were said to you,it does make you want to SCREAM!!!T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

Yes, you are right......people can say things that just

do not make any sense to us. They can forget about it

and go on their merry old way, but we are not that carefree

anymore. I try to avoid, as much as possible, those whom

I know will blurt out some dumb and inappropriate remark.

Maybe you could make the contact with them less frequent.

I guess these people aren't aware that they hurt you, or

are just plain insensitive. Take care of your sorrow in

your own way. No one else can set a timetable for us to

"get over it", "move on", etc. and all the other phrases

that some people use. The most sensitive people don't try

to give advice on how to "fix" it for us. Peace be with

you.

[kathy714]

Dear Griffinsmom,i like your statement "my soul is broken" that is just how i feel,i can't stop crying today,i went to the cemetary and took Nate's dog and we both just sat,while i cried some more,my house is so quiet and lonely now it's making me crazy,and now that summer is over i feel like the depression is getting really bad i don't know what to do anymore.May we all find some kind of peace,you all are in my prayers.

[kirksdad]

Guys, it has been brought to my attention that some may be recieving unwanted emails. I wish I had an answer. I know I get emails all the time from people that have good things to say and sometimes not such nice things to say. I know how people can say hurtful things, but I have come to realize that we all grieve in different ways, but if you have been recieving email you are uncomfortable with the power is in your hands with the delete key. You can also block email addresses depending on who you use as a provider. Check your email controls/preferences with the ISP you use to see how to block a specific address.

Just this last year I recieved an email from a person I had dealings with on another website that faked a name from a certain government agency and said some really hurtful and nasty things to me. All directed to my feelings about having lost a child. Anyway they were hoping they would be hurtful, but they weren't. I just consider there are people out there that hurt for many reasons, sometimes that hurt takes on resentment, or other feelings that make one feel they might have some of the power back that they seem to have lost. I don't know what one can do except ignore and hope that one can eventually understand.

[mamabets]

I am here and willing to help all of you that can join me as I try to travel on this long, lonely road. Your website has been Heaven sent tonight. Please tell me what you do when there is nothing that can be done...? My Danny left this Earth in June of 2004- I know where he is, and I don't know how to "live" without him. His signs to us have been nothing short of miraculous, but I want what we all want. I want him to come home. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

[starlight1]

Mamabets, I'm so sorry about Danny's leaving this side of life. I wish I could tell you what to do but I haven't a clue. My 19 year old son David crossed in April 2004 and as you say, I know where he is, but I also don't know how to live without him on this side of life. I've too received signs (although I'm greedy so there not as many as I'd like....but they seem to come in bunches and then none and then more) and they're wonderful and help very much, but I still want him here with me.

I read a wonderful note in a TCF newsletter that I receive and it did give me some hope...although I find it hard to believe I'll ever get to this point. I've pasted it below for you and any other folks who will maybe get a glimmer of hope from it. This bereaved mom is much farther down the road then we are so maybe we'll get there someday? Let's hope and pray that we do as I think that's what our kids want...I just wonder if I'm strong enough to do it.

-Sandy

David's Momma

The End of Summer, the Autumn of Our Healing

and a Harvest of the Heart

September summer has always been a time of nostalgia for me. The days are noticeably shorter with daytime temperatures beginning to cool down and the slightest chilliness of beautiful star filled evenings requiring a sweat shirt or sweater. Early morning streets are filled with children going back to school. Most everyone is finally back to work, relaxed and sharing the adventures and experiences of summer vacations. And then one day, there is a wind from the west. And just by its feel you know these are the last days of summer and that fall will soon gently ease itself into our Rocky Mountains. Before we know it, the canyons are blazing with the fire of fall color working its way down into our valley.

It is a beautiful season and perhaps my favorite time of the year. We can sit for hours in Sugar House Park, watching the birds gather and head south for the winter and enjoy the trees now fully aflame with oranges, browns and reds so beautiful it can make our hearts sing with joy. And yet, with all the beauty that surrounds us, we as bereaved parents sometimes struggle to let it all in. For as summer wanes, and fall begins, our thoughts naturally turn to grammar school homework, high school parties and dances, college football games, shopping for new clothes, and the specter of holidays ahead without those of our children who have too soon been taken from us.

It is difficult to write about this just today. I just went to a wedding of my closest friends' son, where Jacob's cousins, nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters and past friends all came together for three days of reunion and celebrations filled with stories of the past. On Sunday, over thirty people were at my place sharing enchiladas and childhood memories of those years we were all together. And of course, the occasional, "I wish Jake were here to see this." For me, not an hour went by that I did not think of him or see his face in his young nephew who bears his name.

And yet ... and yet the season, the color, the beautiful days and evenings, the weddings, the parties and football games, and the eminent holidays now fill me with thanksgiving that Jake was part of my life for sixteen years. No small thing that. I consider myself lucky for that much time, for I know so many friends who had much less time with their beloved children. So this year, I choose to find the good and the beautiful of the season, and let the holidays come. For, it is in remembering his face and the goodness of his life and the beauty of the season, I find sweet healing for my grieving soul.

Very soon now, autumn and the harvest season will be upon us, and the bounty of summer's growth will begin to fill our barns and sheds. And this will be an opportunity for us, even though we grief, to discover the rich harvest of memories with those of our lost children. In their season, they provided us with a bounty of their own. If we are able to accept it, this can be a fall season where we reflect on their abundance of smiles, laughter, humor, growth, learning, and sharing of love. God how we loved them, and how they loved us. Even through all the difficulties, the energetic exchanges of opinions and ideas, the heartaches, the tears, anxiety and disappointments, we cannot avoid the fact that we loved them with a measure beyond our comprehension. And in spite of the difficult times, their sweet and sometimes very short lives provided us with an abundant harvest of experiences that are able, if we let them, to bless us with healing memories to last for as long as we live.

So as we say goodbye to summer, as best we can, let us welcome the fall season and the coming holidays and all the beauty these seasons can and will bring to us. I fully realize that for those of us most recently bereaved, this will be difficult, and in our sorrow and grief, seem perhaps almost impossible. Please let me reach out my hand and my heart to you in the quiet of your reading this right now.

If you can, imagine I am looking right into your eyes with all the compassion I can muster. And in that moment, I will share your tears, your agony of loss, and your grief, for I am truly one of you. I am after all, and have been a Compassionate Friend for over eleven years now. And as we share this moment, please hear the warmest feelings of my heart as I say to you this wretched agony of grief, this painful time of suffering, and this nightmare and horror you now feel will pass. At some point I promise you will begin to experience the light at the end of this painful tunnel of grief. I promise you will have summers and falls and holidays to come filled with healing memories of your children.

I promise as Halloween comes, and you are finally able to turn your porch light on to welcome trick-or-treaters, you will see your own children in the bright and joyful faces at your front door, and smile and be glad they once blessed your life. I also promise the time will come when you will move past Halloween and look forward to Thanksgiving and the December holidays.

As I wrote earlier, I realize this may be too soon for some of you. All I ask is that you be willing to let these most difficult times pass -- as I have promised they will, and allow your hearts to soften and show you their rich places where you still love your children. For it is in those painful, tender places you will begin to find the abundance of love given to you by your children which will bring healing. And when that happens, you will look forward to Thanksgiving day with its abundantly filled table, and realize an equally abundant harvest of the heart.

Whenever we are able to accept it and embrace it, the grace of healing will come to all of us. Of course our lives will never be the same. We will always have the sadness of their absence in our lives and experience those frequent bitter-sweet times when we simply miss them. But the dark pain and suffering of their passing will itself pass - this I can promise you. For in these past eleven years I have looked into every dark and secret corner of grief, and have spent with you, all those endless weeks and months of intense pain and tears.

I have shared those endless days of self recrimination and regret and anger. And in all this I have finally found the autumn of my healing, and have feasted in the abundant harvest of love. Yes indeed, I promise you the light of joyful memory at the end of this dark tunnel.

So may you look forward to the fall and all its beauty and grace, and anticipate the holidays' peace and joy with a sure knowledge that this present darkness will pass, and that your life will once again be able to embrace the abundance of harvest enjoyed by the rest of your family and friends. And along with Rabbi Harold Kushner, who wrote the book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, be able to say as he did of his own son's life and death, "... I think of Aaron and all that his life taught me, and I realize how much I have lost and how much I have gained. Yesterday seems less painful, and I am not afraid of tomorrow."

Erin Silva

erinsilva@earthlink.net

TCF, Salt Lake City, Utah

~reprinted from Salt Lake City Sept/Oct/Nov 2002 Newsletter

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Rhonda68,

I have found that most people are like Slinkies, not good for much, but they do bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs....

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[wnf4ever]

I am having an especially HARD time these days... I cry all the time, I just can't seem to stop - I miss Warren so deeply, I don't know how to go on without him... I can remember the worst thing I've heard after losing my boy - My insurance guy said to me (you aren't going to believe it) - "Just think, I tried talking you into getting a policy for him just a bit ago." Can you believe that?? Needless to say I was completely shocked by what he said, plus the fact that he had to be mistaking me with someone else because I NEVER talked to him about any such thing. Warren was 25!! After I hung up, what he'd said to me really hit me and it made me absolutely sick!! I can't even think about ever talking to this person again. People just don't think and when someone tells you, "You are strong, you can get through this." I HATE THAT so much!! I want to scream at them, "No, I'm not strong. This sucks!" I can't do this, I just can't... I am praying for all of you and I so appreciate the fact that all of you are here to listen/reply whenever I feel the need to talk/vent. I'm a sad mess. Thank you so much and please, everyone take care...

[starlight1]

win4ever, you're insurance guy needs a good slap...and he'd definately be my ex-insurance man. I don't care if people don't understand our pain...just common sense would rule that one wouldn't say something like that to a bereaved parent. What a dirtbag.

My experience has been the hard days come and go and I never know when I'm going to crash and when I'm going to feel a bit better. I just do the best I can on the bad ones and feel grateful for the days that are a bit better. I ask my David for help on those days and for him to send some of his strength to me.

This site also helps me so much. Do you belong to a support group (TCF, etc). That might help a bit too. There is no solution to this...we've just been dealt the worse hand possible and have no choice but to deal with it. I know how you feel thought and I'm so sorry that you're going through this horror.

-Sandy

David's Momma

[wnf4ever]

Thank you Sandy, for your response. You are right, he needs a good slap but personally, I think that would be too good for him!! What a jerk, huh? It's amazing to me just how many people out there are completely thoughtless. This is the most unimaginable pain and it just never subsides. I talk to Warren all the time, I always tell him how much I miss and love him and for him to help me through. I just cry constantly, it seems - it's SO HARD!! I do belong to TCF and have gotten a couple of close friends from that group that I meet with on an almost weekly basis. One of which lost her son four years ago and she's been such a source of strength for me. I do have a grandson on the way, my son's girlfriends due date is actually two weeks from today. Again, I don't know how I'm going to get through that. She wants my daughter and I to go in the delivery room with her. It will be beyond bittersweet, I so wish Warren was here for this baby especially. He would have been the most wonderful father and I know he would love this baby with all of his heart. I'm just doing the best that I can, as I'm sure all of us are. Take care of yourself.

Marty, Warren's mom

[mamabets]

Hi Starlight1- What a beautiful reply!!! Please go and get the book "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf"- Being that you took the time to send me this beautiful writing, you will see our connection. I have had UNBELIEVABLE signs from my Danny- ADC is alive and well- After Death Communication is the only thing that has gotten me through this, as I try to continue on here without Danny. XO mamabets

[mamabets]

Starlight1- I have found that when my days and nights are harder, Danny is feeling my pain too, and the signs are not as strong then- As long as I remain in the belief that all is well with HIM, then it is even more amazing. However, when the agony hits, and my God it does, I know that it is going to lessen. My connection to him is this computer, most of the time, because I can really vent. I also see a therapist at a home that deals with losing children.

[briansdad]

I guess if were talking about insensitive statements.Here is my all time favorite.Cheer Up you can't stay this way forever.

[Artina]

Starlight,

Thank you for taking the time to share that with us. It was very touching and I get the message...

Tina

[daveydow1]

Starlight1,

What a beautiful writing. Thanks for sharing it with

all of us here at this site. Peace.

[daveydow1]

Wnf4ever,

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You are right---

those bad days do slip up on us, and you feel blind-sided

when it happens. There's nothing anyone can say to us, really.

We just have to keep going as best we can. This site helps

me. I am among friends that totally understand how I feel.

I'm glad it helps you some too. Thank you for your kind words

about the loss of my baby, Lisa. Although it was years ago,

there is still hurt in my heart for this lost angel. Take

care and my prayers are with you. May you find peace.

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Danny. My

son, Davey, died June/03. I hope and pray that you

can find some comfort here at this site where all of

us here knows the pain that you are feeling. We can

vent here without being judged, because we are all

on the same sad and sometimes lonely road. May you

find peace.

[daveydow1]

Kirksdad,

It's difficult to think that anyone could stoop so low

as to send hurtful emails to someone who has lost a

child. I have not received any such emails. However,

it may be because I automatically delete any emails that

I do not recognize the email address. I have done this to cut

down the chances of getting a virus, but I think,as you

said, that using the delete key is the best approach to

hopefully avoiding emails from people who have too much

time on their hands, and hate in their hearts. Peace be

with you.

[mamabets]

Daveydow1- Thank you for writing to me- I really appreciate it- I have a feeling that this site will be of tremendous help- How did you lose your son? My Danny was in an accident. He saved 5 lives in organ donation and I get some peace from that. His sister made that decision for him and she is very proud and I know that it too is a tremendous place for people to heal. I know that there will be no cure for this terminally broken heart of mine- All I can do is share my wisdom and miracle stories with all of you. Danny has come to me in many ways and I do know, without question, where he is and how he is. I know where I am, I just do not know how to do this thing called life now. It is a foreign territory- Thanks for listening- They say that it gets easier. Does it? I never want to forget, ever. Mamabets

[mamabets]

I am sorry that we are here, in a world lost without our children- But since we are,let's try to believe that our angels are together guiding the way and that through helping each other ,they are all so proud of us,as they too journey on...Here, there and everywhere!! XO Mamabets

[Mazey2]

Starlight 1, that was an awesome writing. Thanks for sharing it. It is so very difficult to pass thru time with grieving as deeply as we are, but it is possible to live, not ever the same, but to get a giggle, enjoy others, and make the best of this life we have. It takes a alot of strength and some degree of hope/faith/desire, and time for the acute pain to pass. It can.....

Years down the road it still is painful, but some how the days aren't AS dark as often.

My heart aches for each parent with this loss....

[mamabets]

For Briansdad- Bless you- You can stay like this forever- You have earned the right to feel however you feel- You, have lost a child!! Period- Would it not feel great to be cheery?? We can not be- We were robbed of that and it feels unatural- I remember when I laughed for the first time after my Danny's death- I felt so guilty because I am his mother and I was supposed to be so sad, having been dealt this horrible hand. You can always come to places like this where the people wish for blue skies, but know all too well that before rainbows, there are so many storms... Someday we will reunite with them- Over the rainbows... Please write to me at any time!! mamabets

[starlight1]

Mamabets, I know what you mean about never wanting to forget. Although I want to believe the pain will become less intense someday, I still never want to get "used" to David not being on this side of life. I never want it to be normal. Now that I'm going through the second year without him physiclally here, that seems to be one of my biggest fears. My daughter said something a while ago about looking at his website and having people communicate about him...said it makes him seem "more real." That really frightened me....I couldn't bear it if David ceased to seem real to the people who love him...that just breaks my heart.

I will also read "the Fall of Freddie the Leaf". Thanks for telling me about it.

-Sandy

[momofJustin]

I would like to join the club...become a full fledged member of the ones of us that people have said hurtful, stupid things to. Sometimes I just get so angry!! Most of the people I deal with daily in my life are clueless of the neverending pain we all endure. They have no clue that I mostly act like I'm okay. It won't ever go away. It might become less intense at times, but it will always be there. We have lost our beloved children, and there's no "making that better", "getting over it", or "changing it."

I would love to just once go "OFF" on the people that say insensitive things to me. I don't. I keep silent. Inside I cry, and tell myself they would never ever understand. Instead I get mad at myself for not setting people straight about what they do to hurt me. It hurts me deeply when people think I should be okay now since my son has been gone a year and a half. Or that I need counseling. No amount of counseling is going to bring Justin back. And it hurts me even more when no one mentions Justin's name. Like he didn't exist. This just sucks.

I don't know about anyone else here, but I'm guessing it's the same, I have quite a long list of the people I thought were friends, and/or family that have let me down through this grieving process.

Thank God, I found Beyond Indigo. Everyone here understands.

Justin's Mom forever

[mamabets]

MomofJustin-It is 4:30 in the morning and I was awakened and drawn to my new friends at Beyond Indigo. I am so thankful that we have each other. While I don't have many that say insensitive things to me, I do have family members that definately avoid this situation alot of the time- I will e-mail beautiful things, songs, poems or whatever- No reply. I found a song online the other day..."Precious Child" by Karen Taylor- Good- She lost a nephew and wrote this beautiful piece. You can find it online. She sang it at the Compassionite Friends convention awhile back- I shared it with many in my family- Never heard a word... As my husband said once "It is not that people don't WANT to say something, they don't know what to say". For those that say hurtful things, my advice would be to avoid them, love them from a distance, as much as possible... If you live with insensitive people, come to Beyond Indigo for your help and hope. If they don't get it, they don't and they never will, and only those of us here at Beyond Indigo get it completely. My husband was Danny's "other" Dad- His real father was a tremendous disappointment to him. At all times, Dean sees my pain and lets me be. It has to be this way, or I would go crazy. Crazy ,on top of this, would not be a good scenario!!! Please stay in touch!! mamabets

[mamabets]

Good Morning Starlight- We will never forget- We will live in their memory for always. Life, is, all about this now. The loss of a child and how it will fit into our lives. I know life as it now is and I just keep plugging along. It is a steady work in progress, a steady uphill climb. Try to listen to the messages from the other side- The more open one can be, the more it happens. I also have 4, yes 4 , litts daschunds. Little feet-16 of them to be exact- that scurry around here and continue to look at me and love me, no matter what. They lick my tears from time to time, and they never leave my side. I can not say enough about the love of a pet or two during this grieving process. They never let you down and the more loyal the breed, the better. Small too, would be my advice, because they will curl right up on your lap. Although, my Danny had a rotweiller that curled up on my lap lots!! Pets, a wonderful chance to reach out for unconditional love, 100% of the time. These little dogs of mine are like little puppies still. They range in ages from 8-12.!! Just a thought for those that might read this and say "Hmmmmm, might not be a bad idea"... Let's chat later!! mamabets

[chumba]

I did go off on our bookkeeper who was crying one day and I asked her why, poor thing her son got a girl pregnant and she was, you know, from the other side of the tracks. Now the bookkeeper has to pay for the whole wedding. More tears then asked me, Why are my kids losers? I looked at her and said Gee, would you rather have your loser kids be buried 10 feet into the ground and never ever see them aain. She looked at me in shock and stopped crying. And sheepisly agreed with me. Been wanting to write her off for some time. Just did.

I love this message board because I know we are all here with the right intention. I feel it in all our postings and I really appreciate how the members immediately respond to a cry for help. On a daily basis I feel our hearts healing and am overjoyed with the compassion and the love so freely given. God has brought us here to this safe harbor and I thank him.

[mamabets]

I was just outside with one of my dogs- A plane flew above and as I heard the engines roar and looked at the lights above, I had such a painful vision of my Danny being taken by Bayflight to the trauma unit of a hospital in Florida... I am so sick to my stomach right now, as I believe that for him, it was the beginning of his heavenly flight. For us left behind, it was the beginning of the never ending journey of constant, constant fear. The horror that lies within all of the visions- The blackness that creeps into the very depth of my being. Please help someone, for only you know this and I am tormented right now.

[starlight1]

Mamabets,

I'm so sorry that you got a kick in the stomach this morning with the plane...those are the things that just come up and knock the wind out of us. I hope your day gets better.

Regarding dogs, believe it or not we just got a puppy three weeks ago. She's so cute, although a bit of a handful since she's a puppy but so loving and cute. I've always had dogs and this is the longest I've been without one so was so happy that we have a dog in the house again.

I'll bet Danny is around you right now, trying to help comfort you. I hope you feel him nearby.

[momofJustin]

Mamabets,

Sorry to hear you started your morning off feeling and remembering that horrible pain. I would guess it has and does happen to all of us. It's that just going along trying to make it day by day that knocks us down in a second. As for myself I can be doing something totally mundane, and suddenly get hit with a painful memory, and I'll be right back there in the the hospital watching Justin die.

Just like you experienced this morning is what I think most people that haven't lost a child just don't get. They have no idea that many things in our daily life bring back the pain of losing our children. It's all jumbled together with trying to remember happy times, and then the bad memories sneak in there.

In the year and a half that Justin has been gone I have been through those emotional flashbacks many times. Sometimes it consumes me, and I go back to bed, and cry. I feel like I'm right back to the beginning of wanting to know why this happened to me. Why did I have to lose my son. Sometimes I can block it out, and keep doing whatever it was I was doing. It takes great effort to block it out and go about being "normal."

My advice to you for what it's worth. Stay strong. For some reason we have to go through this. Concentrate on those you have living and loving you here and now. Give 100 percent of yourself to those here that are worthy of your love. That love will help you get through day by day until you see your child in heaven again.

Peace to you.

Justin's Mom forever

[mamabets]

MomofJustin-Thank you is all I can say. Thank you- I became so tired after this happened, I went back to bed for a bit. I do have the ability to do that. I did not watch my Danny die. His sister did, all by herself, and she gained a whole new experience on death from it. She is no longer afraid of it which we are both grateful for. She was petrified of it prior to this. My Danny had told Jackie back in the January before his accident "Should anything ever happen to me, do not let Mom see it. I don\'t ever want her to remember anything but great times. Times like we are having right now\". He and his girlfriend were here with us in North Carolina. He had been hospitalized a a couple of months before his June accident, that ended his life. I was with him then, and we played his life out perfectly together.A true miracle, and times that I will cherish of us together ,involving God and all. This sound was haunting this morning. Very often ,when I hear things like it I know that there is help needed somewhere. Thank you for your response. Keep in touch, please. How did your son pass? XO mamabets

[mamabets]

Starlight1- Thank you for your response and bless your new puppy. Seek all that you can from him/her. I have hope in this site...Tremendous hope. I can not believe in the immediate responses from all of you. This journey continues and now, for me, it continues with all of you, and I am so grateful. Please come to me to for help also. I carry a tremendous amount of wisdom, in spite this agony. My family can not believe how "strong " I have been. I know that all of them too have known this fear- I come from a huge family- However, as a mother, I am alone, I have come to realize that. I am stuck in this world known forever and it is painful. Every minute of every day. Bless all of you. Write soon!!

[mamabets]

I found little note cards after Danny passed... They said on the front... " The world has lost a wonderful person, but Heaven has gained one great soul" I still get comfort from that. Those two little lines capture so very much. XO

[momofJustin]

Mamabets,

My son passed at the age of 15. He had had a heart transplant when he was 7 years old. When he was 15 he suddenly got a mysterious virus that attacked his heart. He was in the hospital for almost three months in intensive care. The doctors were trying to keep him alive and well enough to get a 2nd heart transplant. He died from a blood infection that he got while in the hospital. I was by his side every day in the hospital always praying he would get the 2nd heart transplant. Those are the horrible memories I'm talking about watching him every day lay in that hospital bed hooked up to many, many machines.

As for your daughter being with your son upon his passing. I too am amazed when I think about Justin's actual moments just before death, he was so peaceful. That is the only thing that brings me some comfort.

Thanks for asking.

Justin's mom forever

[mamabets]

MomtoJustin- God love you... Thanks so much for writing... My son saved five lives through organ donation. He had been standing in the middle of a dark three lane highway, apparently made no attempt to move, was hit by a semi truck and beautifully saved lives, without a bump or bruise as he left for Heaven... How can one explain that true story? I feel as though he must have been carried by angels. He had called me an hour before his accident, spoke to both his sister Jackie and myself, and the last thing we said to each other was "I love you"..."I love you, too". I carry that with me always. i do believe that by seeing headlights, he was beginning to "see the light". His own beginning of beauty and light... Custom made just for my Danny... There was no question in my mind and heart that I was going to leave this earth- I tried to take my life, and it evidently was not my time, for there is too much left to do. He will come for me when it is XO

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Mamabets

I'm so sorry for the lose of your dear son, I also lost my son Matthew on 7/16/03, he was 31, and died from a massive blood clot, he was in rehab when it happend, and I cant help but think the drugs he was on may have contributed to his death.

I lost my daughter , my only daughter, and first born child to drugs 8 months before that on 11/3/02. She was 34, and died from a massive overdose of heroin, cocaine, and morphine..

I know you will find help here...

Peace and love to you

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[mamabets]

Stu- PLEASE tell me how you live? I join you on your journey...XO

[chumba]

To mamabets

My Chris was transplanted with a donor heart and his life was extended three and one half more years. During this time he accomplished all his lifetime goals and died suddenly 10/3/04 in his sleep. He was ecstatic about his achievements and died happy. The donor family never contacted him and he never contacted them much to my dismay and disappointment. I've always had the need to thank someone for closure and you just gave me what I've been wishing for. Thank you for raising such responsible and life giving children. God Bless you and please dear Lord send mambets angels to watch over her and guide her to peace.