Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends,

Have been off of here for a while, just wanted to say how sorry I am to all of you newly berieved parents, I know how you feel, I lost two of my three children in a span of 8 months to drugs...the pain never goes away, it just changes form.

I had a dream over the Thanksgiving weekend, in it I was with my daughter Carrie, we were walking through Boston when she disapeard, I looked and looked for her, and after some time, found her, we continued our walk, when there was this flash of light, and she again was gone....I again searched and searched for her, even called 911 on my cell...I'm wondering if it was her way of telling me that she has gone into the "light"....I hope this is what it means...

Love to all of you

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Stu,

I wish so much that Joey would come to me in a dream. I pray that your dream will bring you comfort. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss of 2 children. I pray that your cherished memories and dreams will encourage and uplift you. Blessings, Claudia

[heartbrokendad]

Claudia,

Thank you, and again my sympathies to you.....

[mamabets]

For Heartbrokendad~ Please, Stu...Know that your Carrie and Matthew went to the "light" from the moment of their preparing to leave here, this place called earth.... This is but a blink, compared to the eternity of pure perfection that they now know~ Your dream was, clearly, her with you, letting you know it, for certain. It can, and it will, bring you a peaceful sort of feeling~ It is the beginning of many spiritual signs, I am sure~ The "other side" experiences can be very scary for many, and in time, my prayers are that all of us are open to knowing that our kids live on, just in a different way...A way that is so completely removed from all of this life's cruelties. I have no doubt that we would not all be so close here at Beyond Indigo, and within other areas of our grief walks, if our kids were not all together, side by side, in a place that is not that far removed from us here. They are with us always, this much I know. Danny leaves so many signs, and I wish that I could tell you that it eleviates all pain- It doesn't, but I do know that he LOVES where he is...And, for him to be so peaceful where he is at, which is EVERYWHERE, I will do the life pain here. It is part of my journey with him now, this way, his way... Pick up the book "Hello From Heaven"- It is a must read!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

4everjoeysmom,

I am so sorry to hear of your dear son, Joey's passing.

The tragedy is so very recent for you & Patrick, that

it is understandable that you feel sometimes that it is

not real. My son, David, was killed in a highway crash

6/14/03. Shortly after his funeral, his sister Becky

told us that she was feeling sad and saying a prayer in

her bathroom when she heard Davey say to her---"all I

know is that one minute I was sitting in traffic, and

the next minute I was in heaven". We fully believed

Becky, as she is definitely not a dramatic-type person.

His car was run over by a semi-truck (whose driver fell

asleep at the wheel), while traffic had backed up at a

freeway exit. I have gained a lot of comfort from this

message Becky received from Davey. I believe that your

dear Joey is in heaven with all of the other dear children

of parents here on BI. You have come to a good place to

read/post. Everyone here knows your pain. Peace be with

you and Patrick.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mamabets]

For 4everjoeysmom~ My heart breaks for you, and I am so sorry. I can so identify with your story... My son, Danny, departed this world in June of 2004, and it has been a very long, winding, perilous, exhausting never ending, it seems, day. However, this site has been a miracle for me, and I have met some of the MOST beautiful, amazing people. In their hours of darkness, their kindness continues to show up for me and mine. While I would not know 99% of them in a room, none of us are strangers, and please know that this new found family here will be your greatest source of strength, all day and all night, whenever you need us. Please, feel free to email me at huntross4@aol.com at any time, as well . I welcome you into this part of my life's journey with open arms and a loving heart...I love you and admire you for the bravery that it takes to reach out for help. Life will be worth living again, this I can promise you~ My daughter, Danny's sister, will grace us with grandaughter #2 in March... "Sweet Baby Caroline"!!Our little Julia was 7 in June, she was 5 when tragedy took her Uncle from her, so this is a beautiful blessing. New life, and my Jackie risking to love so deep, after losing so much. She and Danny were 14 months apart and sooooooo close.... We are here for you~Please keep coming here to all of us!!!xoxomamabets {Betsy and Danny, my WINK from Here, There and Everywhere}

[daveydow1]

For Dereksmom--Brenda,

Thank you for the lovely tribute you placed on

my son, David's memorial page. Bless you & Peace be with you.

david-georgedash1brownie2spot.memory-of.com

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Sherry and Mamabets, Thank you for your compassionate responses. I am also so sorry for your pain and loss. God has been so good to me in my grief and suffering. But sometimes it feels even better to share in more tangible ways, like this. Not that it replaces my seeking the Lord for comfort. Hard to explain--but you probably understand what I mean without further words necessary. Mamabets, I hope you are feeling better from your bout of flu. My mom had the flu at the same time as you. This has been a tough yearf or her too. She lost a grandson--my precious Joey--her brother to a sudden fatal heart attack, her best friend to cancer, and an aunt to natural causes of aging all in a six month period. I am amazed at how she survives through it all and still has a giving heart full of love for me and everyone she knows. I sometimes look at her as a pillar of strength, and somehow that helps me to get through. My husband and I are serving on the mission field in Ecuador, which has helped somewhat but has also complicated my grieving, as I have to be so far from my other son--Patrick 23 and successfully on his own--, my family, and my church home. We see a lot of things here that make me more thankful for everything God has ever given me, including a precious life too short in my precious Joey. But it's still so hard getting through this loss and pain in the midst of doing worthwhile things. I pray that somehow some of what I do here can be a way to honor my Joey. It's hard with Christmas coming, but my husband and I are working with another team to feed 2000 orphans over a 3-day span at Christmas. I know there will be a lot of tears for me during those days--some for them, most for Joey--and it will be so bittersweet. I'm grateful to be able to come here and share my heart and pain without being judged for not being a good or strong enough Christian, etc... People can be so insensitive and cruel without even realizing it, especially the Christians with legalistic views and expectations. God bless you all, and lift you up. Blessings, Claudia

[daveydow1]

To All at BI,

I would like to have some of your input.

BAD day for me today. Three days ago, I took

many bags and boxes of articles to donate to

the Salvation Army thrift store near me. Last

night I had a dream about Davey. He was only

About 9 yrs old in the dream and he had gotten

sick from flu or something minor, and I was

taking care of him. That's all there was to

the dream. Then in my half-consiousness I told

myself to go back to the thrift store and try

to retrieve some of the articles of his clothing

that I had donated just 3 days ago. I went into

the thrift store, found 3 articles--2 sweaters

and a golf shirt. I went to pay, but the lady

in the store refused my money (she knows me, and

my situation). I told her I would gladly pay for

the clothing, that I just had to have them back.

Do you think that was a crazy thing to do?? I

sometimes feel it was wrong. Please give me some

of your opinions. Thank you all.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[julsmom]

Sherry you are not crazy. It seems like a normal thing to me. When I was ready to donate Julie's clothes I gave them to a thrift shop about 40 miles from my home (through a friend) that way I knew I wouldn't see any of the clothes around town. Peace to all. Lynda

[ashleysmom]

Sherry, I don't think that was crazy at all. I think you were really brave. It must have been really hard. My heart goes out to you, Dottie

[mikesmomrs]

Sherry: I don't think what you did was anything unusual...and CERTAINLY not wrong...All of us would probably have done the same thing. My husband and I have decided to just hold off on sorting our son's things for now, except for what we've given to his sons and his two best friends. but, if I knew I had parted with something that I decided later I just needed to have, I wouldn't hesitate to ask for it back. God bless the woman at the shop for understanding and being so kind, and I am so thankful that you were able to find what you found. Know that you are being prayed for, Sherry. love, carol (MIKESMOMRS)

[messenger]

SHERRY,,,,IF YOU FELT YOU HAD TO GO TO STORE TO RETRIEVE CLOTHES ...THERE WAS A REASON~~ DONT WORRY ABOUT IT..OUR DAUGHTER GOT RID OF ALL OUR SONS STUFF IN LESS THAN A WEEK AFTER HE DIED........WE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO LOOK AT IT..I KNOW SHE WANTED TO HELP BUT WE WONDER.............WHAT DID HE HAVE THAT WE SHOULD HAVE KEPT.....SHE GETS RID OF EVERYTHING...THINKS IT IS JUNK AND TO ME IT IS SENTIMENTAL....I KNOW I KEEP MORE THAN I SHOULD BUT WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO MAKE THE DECISION..WE DID GIVE SOME OF HIS CLOTHES TO HIS BEST FRIENDS..AND THEY WERE SO GRATEFUL..............THAT WAS ALL WE GOT TO DECIDE ON..

SHERRY YOU DID THE RIGHT THING...MAY THE LORD FILL YOUR HEART WITH HIS PEACE...'IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[mamabets]

For daveydow1~ Believe it or not, my dear friend, these are the stories that keep us going now that we are all part of this journey... I think that your donating was beautiful, as it took a ton of courage and I think that your "calling" to go back is equally as beautiful...xo

There are messages behind things like this~ Things that we would never typically do, but because our lives are no longer what they once were, these are the days, like the one that you had, that make for our story...

Did you and Denny , perhaps, give Davey the sweaters and the shirt???

Davey must be wrapped in warm sun , and teeing it up on a very regular basis where he is now!! My Dad LOVED to play golf, and I have no doubt that Davey is teaching Danny how to play too!!!!

I love you~xoxomamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Sherry,

It's heartbreaking for me too to release Joey's things. To me it feels like when letting go of something that was his, I have to let go a little more of Joey. Frankly, I don't want to let go at all. Because of my circumstance as a missionary outside of the US, I had only 10 days after Joey's memorial service to figure out what to do with everything before I had to leave again. Joey's dad couldn't even walk in his bedroom, and wanted nothing to do with sorting through everything. (Joey's work boots still sit beside his dad's in the mud room where they worked together over the summer. Joey died July 31.) I gave what of Joey's clothes were wanted to his brother Patrick, and a few things to Joey's grandma and his closest friends. My husband took a few things as well. I left Joey's sport trophies, his computer, some tee shirts and jeans, and one box of precious momentos for his dad (for a later time when he would be ready to hold something that belonged to Joey.) He would have been sorry later to have nothing--I know. Then I took what was usable by someone else to Goodwill. The rest (3 huge barrels full) I burned, because there was nowhere for it to go. All of Joey's college years of hard work, and just everything that meant something to him but nothing to anyone else (but me) went up in smoke. I couldn't carry everything with me or store it or I would have in a heart beat. I brought Joey's suitcase back with me full of what good clothes his brother didn't want, a couple of blankets (which are on my own bed now), a framed photo from the Memorial service, and a box of precious momentos as well. That's all I have left of Joey--and my memories. I plan to eventually give the clothes to the very poor folks in need here, but I haven't been able to part with them yet. I don't care how long they sit here. Part of me feels guilty because others could really use the clothes. But I need to hang on for a while, and however long that is should be up to me. So you go on and hang onto every piece you need to of Davey's things, because it's something you need to do for yourself. Others will not understand and might think that's silly, but we here all understand the need for hanging onto what belonged to our children. I have Joey's ratty old teddy bear that he dragged around from birth to ten years or so. It's missing an arm, and has all the fuzz picked clean, but there is no way I am giving that up. It will go with me to my grave. I know eventually I'll begin to give away the clothing, but not until I'm emotionally ready to part with them. For now I want them so when I feel like burying my face in his things to smell them, I can do that. It's part fo my healing...and Davey's things are part of yours. I can't go to the barrels and take back what was burned. Circumstances forced me to move faster than my heart wanted to, and I was in a state of shock that moved me through it on automatic pilot. I couldn't have done it otherwise. I wouldn't have hesitated for a moment to go back to the thrift store if I were in your shoes. God bless you, Sherry. And God bless the lady at the thrift store for having a heart of compassion that day. Love, Claudia

[bokenhearted]

Hi Claudia

I have not logged on for a couple of days so have only just read your posting to me. Thankyou for taking the time to let me know you were thinking of me.

I am doing ok today. I am so very sorry that you have lost your Joey. I know what you mean when you say that you relive what happened to him in our mind. My son shot himself and I still at times get the picture of him sitting down and putting that to his head. It breaks my heart to think he felt that desperate that he thought that was the only option. It also makes me angry when I hear people say that people who committ suicide are cowards... I don't believe that for one minute. It is just that the loved ones left behind have to endure heartbreaking suffering.

You sound like such a caring wonderful Mum and I am sure that your Joey did know that. I f you are anything like me you will find that you are a bit overpotective to your remaining son. I have had to make a conscious effort not to smother my daughter with my feelings and worries. Loosing her brother has made her grow up in a big hurry. I feel so for her but we are so proud of her too with the way she is handling herself. I just hope that God keeps her safe.

I also pray that God keeps you and yours safe.

Jo

[daveydow1]

For Ashleysmom, Julsmom, Mikesmomrs,

Messenger, Mamabets, & 4everjoeysmom......

Thank you all for your uplifting words of kindness

regarding my going back to the thrift store to

retrieve Davey's clothes. It's hard to exlain how

terrible I felt after giving away those clothes.

What was I THINKING ??? I had given articles of

his clothing to the thrift store before, and it

seemed to go ok for me. Not this time !! I think

that I just overestimated my progress on this road

we're all on. I told myself that it had been over

3 yrs. and it would be ok. Anyhow, I am grateful for

all of you here on BI who could put yourselves in

my place, and know exactly how I feel. Peace be with

you all.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

4everjoeysmom,

You mentioned having Joey's old teddy bear that he

had since being a baby. I thought that this would be

a good discussion for us here at BI. "Our Child's Toy

That We Saved". Guess I'm being sentimental, huh?

Would anyone else like to post on this subject. I find

it is a subject that warms the heart. I have Davey's

little brown monkey---missing one ear, and the other

ear is motheaten. His fur is also pretty well rubbed

down. He loved monkeys for some reason, and when he was

5 yrs. old, he begged me to buy a REAL monkey for him.

Can you imagine?? Of course he didn't get a real monkey,

but his stuffed one is close at hand. I'm SOOO glad that

monkey is still around. Peace to all.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[levismama]

I am keeping everything. My son was 27 yrs old and a firefighter. The chief even let me keep his bunker gear which cost a lot of money for the dept. Levi didn't live at home anymore. I am setting up his room exactly the way it was before he moved out. He took his bedroom suite with him, I got it back. He had a curio cabinet filled with firefighter memorabilia, I am keeping that. My husband doesn't think all this is a good idea. He thinks I am making a "shrine" for him. All his clothes is going back in the closet and his underthings in the drawers. If I get rid of stuff it is like he never was. I realize some people can't do this because of other children in the family etc. He was my baby and I don't have any other children at home. I would recommend letting SEVERAL months go by before you get rid of anything. My parents died when I was in my twenties, I already had my own home/family and I sold lots of their stuff and I have regretted it for years. I am 49.Each to his own. But don't make decisions to soon. Sorry this is so long!!

[mamabets]

For All~ For those that may not know, my Danny's girlfriend, Liana, gave to me, last Christmas a GORGEOUS quilt that was made from Danny's last load of laundry- She had the hardest time washing these clothes, as she had taken such good care of him when they lived together~{Two items of clothing in their basket, and WHAM- washed!!} He was living with his father at the time of his accident, so the basket had kind of started to flow with clothes- Liana kept them, held them, cried with them , and then had a quilt made for me when they were all washed and fluffed.. I can send a picture of the quilt to any of you that may be interested in having one made. {My email is huntross4@aol.com] This quilt holds me at night when I am scared, wraps Danny's love around us, and I SWEAR it has healed my doggies more than once- I KNOW this may sound nutty, but they can smell Danny in this quilt- All 4 of them~ They are little hound dogs, doxies, and they get so cozy in it and "talk" to him~ Push one or the other out of the way!! It is amazing- When the quilt arrived, I took it and held it like he had come home, naturally, then that night it glowed in the dark... Every patch holds a memory... It is positively a labor of love, and as Liana told me, he is woven into every thread... I love you and telling this story to all of you, has, maybe , gotten me into the "spirit" of Christmas~ I have been unable to do it yet, and have been back and forth as to whether or not I want to decorate at all...Dean and I have talked about it, but I think for all of you, and for my angel kids that are here, there and everywhere, born and almost born, gone, yet living still, I will get going and do it today!! I love you all~ xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Sherry,i agree with everyone else i don't think you are crazy at all for going back to the store for your son's clothes,matter of fact ,that sounds like something i would do.I have kept all of Nathans thing,even his clothes,up to about 3 weeks ago the clothes thing was making me crazy,trying to decide what to do with them,then Nate's best friend,who had lived with us for a year[he even looks like Nate]stopped by,so i gave alot of Nate's clothes to him.But i still have all his sweatshirts[which i wear] and a lot of other clothes left,i also have his room stilll the same,i just have added some of my grandaughters toys,because she uses uncle Nate's room alot to play in.I feel any way we can keep our children close to us,and if this works for me,i will hold on until i no longer feel the need,which may be never.....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For Kathy714~ I agree- There are no "set rules" as to how to do this, and My God, keeping, sharing, giving to whom ever, then searching to find again is always going to be our way of living the legacies of our kids!! I am moved by everyone's stories!!! xoxo I love you! xoxomamabets

[bokenhearted]

To All

I still have not removed any of my son's clothes or possessions from his room. I don't know if or when I will ever do this. All I know is that the time is not right for me. I fully intend to make a quilt like Mamabets has had done for her eventually. I love patchwork and I think that this is a tremendous idea. I have set up my seing machine and other craft bits and pieces in his room and it is going to be my place to be close to Karl. I don't want anyone else to use it as a bedroom because for some reason I just can't feel comfortable with that happening. We really are strange creatures aren't we? My husband and daughter are ok with me doing this, thankfully. I know a couple of my friends don't think it is healthy either but again I tell myself, they are not the ones who have lost a son so what do they know...

As for my most precious special articles they are all timber furniture which he made during his apprenticeship. There is a china cabinet, a hall stand, a dressing table and a couple of chairs. They are just beautiful even if I say so myself. He was very gifted in his trade and over the years I had many of his customers make a point of telling me how happy they were with his work.

I was so proud of my son in many ways and still am. We Mum's just can't help but sing our childrens praises can we?

Love and prayers to you all and cherish all the items you have left of your children. After all we deserve to do what we wish in this area, well I think so anyway.

Jo

[Guest Guest]

Our son died in his room. It was where he took his last breath and joined the angels. We haven't changed anything. We made the bed, but haven't washed the linens because they still smell like Erik. When I am really down, I go into his room and hug his pillow and it's almost like I'm hugging him. (This is probably the only group I can admit that to!) I don't know how long we will keep the room the way it is. But as some of you have said, some people don't understand this. On Thanksgiving, when we had some family over, I went into Erik's room to get something and they just stopped at the threshold. They wouldn't come in. At first, it upset me a little but then I put myself in their position and I probably would have felt it was improper or something. I don't think our younger son has gone in there since Erik died. That's okay. We took some things out of Erik's closet that he never wore (Erik was specific about what he would and wouldn't wear and some of the things we bought just hung here). We will give them to relatives because I think Erik would have liked that. The other clothes, the ones he wore over and over, I suppose some day we will box up. And then we will keep those boxes until they take us out of our home feet first, I imagine.

God bless,

Eriksmom

[Guest Guest]

I have just found this website and today it seems like a Godsend. I have been reading many of the postings, I have been finding comfort in your words. I have been feeling low, there is so much talk about how lonely this Christmas will be without my son, but he is gone everyday, not just Christmas day. Shopping for everyone but him is sad, do I hang his stocking or not, everyday there seems to be something that makes it real that he is gone, it's not going to only happen on Christmas day. My son also died in his room. I miss him. When he passed away, people came around all the time, they came just so I wouldn't be alone, now, no one comes around...it's like I'm not lonely any more. When I am with people, they all stop conversation if I bring up my son's name, the conversation just stops. Until someone else starts another subject. It's like your only allowed to grieve for a set number of days following death. I'm not very good at this, I feel like I have had to walk down a path in life that I didn't want to choose, and all you people have to walk along with me down this path, and none of you choose to come down it either. Some times the path is paved and I walk along ok, sometimes is pretty bumpy and I fall into holes and have to get up and walk along again. It sucks...it wasn't the path I wanted to take! Bren's Mom, Debbie

[daveydow1]

To Kathy714, Ericksmom, Mamabets, & all,

Thanks so much for your input/and thoughts

about keeping our child's clothes and things.

I didn't mean just toys we may have saved---

I think I worded it that way in my previous

posts, but I think it should be all-inclusive--

ANYTHING that we've kept close to us that

was our child's possession. Clothes seem to

be difficult to part with at times. I agree

with everyone here---to keep whatever we want

and have for however long we want, even if it

happens to be forever. Peace be with you all.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Guest--Debbie,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son,

Bren. I hope you can come back and be a regular

part of this family at BI. Maybe you can tell

us more about Bren, if you wish to. Everyone

here knows your pain. We get a lot of help and

encouragement here, just reading & posting.

Peace be with you always.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[briansdad]

I thought I\'d share this poem with all of you. I was asked to read it next Tuesday at our Bereaved Parents candlelight ceremony.

A letter to my family

To my dearest family,

Some things I’d like to say

But first of all to let you know,

That I arrived okay.

I’m writing this from Heaven,

Where I dwell with God above.

Where there are no tears or sadness,

There is just eternal love.

Please don’t feel guilty,

It was just my time to go

I see you are still feeling sad

And the tears just seem to flow.

We all come to earth for a lifetime,

And for some it’s not many years.

I don’t want you to keep crying,

You are shedding so many tears.

I haven’t really left you,

Even though it may seem so.

I have just gone to my heavenly home,

And I’m closer to you than you know.

Just believe that when you say my name,

I’m standing next to you.

I know you long to see me,

But there’s nothing I can do.

Together we can do it,

Taking it one day at a time.

It was my philosophy,

And I’d like that for you too,

That is, give unto the world,

So the world will give to you.

And now I am contented, that my life,

It was worthwhile.

Knowing, as I passed along way,

I made somebody smile.

When you’re walking down the street,

And you’ve got me on your mind,

I’m walking in your footsteps,

Only half a step behind.

And when you feel a gentle breeze

Of wind upon your face,

That’s me giving you a great big hug,

Or just a soft embrace.

But I’ll send you messages,

And hope you understand,

And when your time comes to “ cross over”

I’ll be there to take your hand.

[lorismom]

For Bren’s Mom ~ Debbie ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son. My heart aches for you. Please know that you are always welcome here. I have found so much comfort and strength on this forum. Everyone here is so kind and I hope you can find some peace on this journey. Please be gentle with yourself. Patty

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

Thank you for sharing the beautiful poem. I

think it will help me, especially when I'm

having a "down" day. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

BREN'S mom: you have found friends here who understand more than anyone you will ever meet, what you are going through, and who can offer support and love to you through this terrible time. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son, and you will be in my prayers, as I am sure you will be in the prayers of all who grace this site. Keep coming to BI, if only to read. The comfort from others comes through each post. I know what you mean about it's like you are only allowed to grieve for a set number of days, etc. Other people, people who have not gone through this terrible ordeal, just don't "get it." Hopefully, they will never have to learn that lesson. This is a road that should never have to be traveled by any parent, but this site at least offers comfort and understanding. Treat your son's room as a preparation place, a place where you prepared him for his journey to God.

BRIANSDAD, thank you so much for the poem. It is really beautiful.

to all: have a peaceful week, and as we move closer to the holidays, keep posting to give each other strength and love to carry us all through. We provide strength to each other through our posts. I thank God for being led to BI, there are days when it is the only place I can find solace in a world that sometimes chooses to ignore the pain of others.

Love and God's blessing to all of you. MIKESMOMRS Carol

[kathy714]

Dear Debbie,Bren's mom,i am so sorry for the loss of your dear son,and i too have experienced the same about people coming around,After my son Nate passed we had a house full,but then life goes on and it seems like everyone just kind of stays away,Jan 31st will be two years since my son passed [which to me still feels like yesterday].People are now starting to come around again.I hope you return to B.I.this is the one place where everyone truely understands just how you feel,i make it a point to stop here every night before i go to bed,even if just to read,this site has saved me,and on days when i am so down,i can come here ,and it always seems like someone post something that i can relate to..You will be in my prayers..T/C K athy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Brians dad,thank you for sharing the poem with us,and i think your group will also find it touching...T/C K athy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Eriksmom,i can so relate to what you said about hugging your sons pillow,i still haven't washed the sweatshirt that Nate had worn,and i do the same thing,i hug it and cry,and it really feels like i am hugging him,and some how i feel better after..It is so sad what we go through...T/C Kathy.Nate's mom 4 ever

[shuugar]

Dec 6th will be my son's birthday. Its been 7 1/2 months now since he died and I don't know how to handle this coming date.I want to do something but I don't know what.I know all my family is waiting for cue's from me.This is so unnatural.I want him hear, I want to have a cake and sing.... I can go through all the motions but he's not hear so whats the use? MY oldest son will just tell me I'm dwelling....Yes I am...and I will for the rest of my days

http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=6695&page_no=1

Virtual Memorials

[txlouise]

Dec 6th will be my son's birthday. Its been 7 1/2 months now since he died and I don't know how to handle this coming date.I want to do something but I don't know what.I know all my family is waiting for cue's from me.This is so unnatural.I want him hear, I want to have a cake and sing.... I can go through all the motions but he's not hear so whats the use? MY oldest son will just tell me I'm dwelling....Yes I am...and I will for the rest of my days

http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=6695&page_no=1

Virtual Memorials

[txlouise]

Dec 6th will be my son\'s birthday. Its been 7 1/2 months now since he died and I don\'t know how to handle this coming date.I want to do something but I don\'t know what.I know all my family is waiting for cue\'s from me.This is so unnatural.I want him hear, I want to have a cake and sing.... I can go through all the motions but he\'s not hear so whats the use? MY oldest son will just tell me I\'m dwelling....Yes I am...and I will for the rest of my days

http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=6695&page_no=1

Virtual Memorials

Hi,I\'m so sorry.On my daughter\'s 24 birthday,I went home to n.j and visited a close friend who lost her son two months after i lost my daughter.i have a memorial also for my daughter on VM.If you go yo her birthday page you can see pics of the balloons we reslesed and we also had a cake.Your right it is not the same.it is so sad,but I felt like I was honering keren on her birthday.http://www.angel-keren.virtuals-memorials.com

[txlouise]

I Want.

Stop the children\'s singing,

The voice I long for has been stilled.

Turn out the sparkling lights,

They are no longer reflected in her eyes.

Close the shops, lock the doors,

The gift I want just isn't there.

Take away the Joy, the Peace on Earth,

the Season's Greetings,

I want company in my misery.

Throw out the baubles, the ornaments,

the pretty packages,

I can't see them through my tears.

Light a candle in her memory,

Tell me you remember,

Send me a blanket of pure, white snow,

To cover the Earth,

and her place in it.

[rhonda68]

I so understand everything everyone is feeling here. The lonliness is awfull and your right no one comes around anymore but they sure flocked around when it happened. I am so angry with family and friends and I cant beleive how cruel people can be. I have been told so many mean things and I am fed up with them so I dont bother with them anymore forget them. I have found some new friends that are awesome especially here on beyond indigo.

http://www3.telus.net/public/rh0nda/ this is the memroial page I created in memory of my son if anyone wishes to visit.

Richards Mom

[rhonda68]

TWAS THE MONTH BEFORE CHRISTMAS

FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

Twas the month before Christmas and I dreaded the days,

That I knew I was facing with the holiday craze.

The stores were all filled with holiday lights,

The dark was filled with sleepless nights.

As others were making their holiday plan,

My heart was breaking - I couldn’t understand.

I had lost my dear child, over 3 years ago.

Now pain is my companion, even in snow.

When out of nowhere, there arose such a sound,

I sprang to my feet and was looking around.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the curtains in one mad dash.

The sight that I saw took my breath away,

And my tears turned to smiles in the light of the day.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a flock of birds, just fluttering near.

With beauty and grace, they flew as in a dance,

I knew in a moment this was not by chance.

The hope that they gave me was a sign from above,

That my child was still near me and that I was loved.

The message they brought was my holiday gift,

And I cried when I saw them, yet it still was a lift..

As I looked closer to get a better view,

I thought them beautiful, and felt that they knew,

I had wanted a hug from their fragile wings,

To help me get through what the holiday brings.

In the days that followed I carried the thought,

Of the message the birds had left in my heart.

That no matter what happens or what lies ahead,

Our children live on, they are not really dead.

Yes, the message of the birds still ring in my ear,

A message of hope - a message so dear.

And I imagined they sang as they flew out of sight,

"To all bereaved parents -- We love you tonight."

By; Celine Hartery Mother of Carlton and Angel Crystal

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Briansdad, a dear friend of the family signed Joey's obituary guestbook with a very similar poem and included the author information. It's a little different, and comforting as well. I clung to the images it brought to my heart, and it has helped me more than once through the tough moments when crossing over seems so far away. I'm not ready to go for the sake of my son here and the work I do in missions, but eternal life and seeing my Joey again seems like an eternity to me. God bless you all. And to the newcomers here that are suffering loss and grief, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for why you are here, but glad you found us. This group has so much love and compassion... Blessings, Claudia.

(Poem)

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say... but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above. Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you." It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on. I need you here badly; you're part of my plan. There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man." God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do. And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you. And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight. God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night. When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain. I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned. But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand. But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er. I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before. There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb; but together we can do it by taking one day at a time. It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too... that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain, then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain." And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile, knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile. So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low, just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go. When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind; I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind. And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free, remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me. Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author) ©Copyright 1998-2006 http://www.ruthann1.com

[lorismom]

For Shuugar ~ Cindy ~ I visited your lovely memorial site. Happy Birthday to your dear son James on Dec. 6th. I hope you will have fond memories of him to comfort you on this special day. Peace to you. Patty

[mikesmomrs]

For Shuugar: Oh, how my heart aches for you. I have not faced my son's birthday since his passing, we were fortunate enough to celebrate his birthday just two months before. He passed on oct 14th, just under two months ago. I cannot even imagine when we have to face that day next year without him. I will pray for you that you find strength to get through the day. I will pray that your son will understand your need to "dwell." Dwell we must, because that is where are hearts are right now. It is true that we must make room for and honor the living as well, but the pain is SO great, SO consuming, that sometimes we have to just "dwell" and hurt, and cry, and remember, and in the remembering, we find solace, and eventually the crying eases and you can face the world for another day, or another hour, or another minute. We are all with you, and are all praying for you, and on the 6th, you will have so much love and prayer headed your way. May the peace of God fill your heart to give you strength for the day. mikesmomrs, Carol

[donosmom]

For all the new and broken hearted, I remember when I first found this site there was someone that posted something similar to what I have written below and I kept it as encouragement as time passed. I hope it gives you some hope as well.

I remember feeling like I wasn't going to make it. Sadness was everywhere in my thoughts. I was looking at my life, my living son's life, my daughter’s lives, my husband's life and thinking, "poor us, why work towards anything... we could just die and it would all be for nothing". I had given up. I hurt so bad that I couldn't even imagine caring about ANYTHING, outside of my family. I had no HOPE. I had no HAPPINESS. I had not COURAGE. I had no WILL. I had no GOALS.

Time has softened my grief some and now I do have hope, happiness, courage, will and goals. I still have my loss that I carry around with me with all of those feelings. I have evolved to be able to accept all of those emotions and thought processes, while I carry my loss with me. Somehow our body and mind adapts and helps us to expand our ability to COPE and ENJOY life again. But this does take time a lot of time and not done perfectly, I still have days that are as horrible as I can imagine but not as frequently. My thoughts and memories of Matthew give me peace and I am so grateful to have them whereas in the beginning every memory every thought was just another stab and twist of this knife called grief.

I was given a little story that helped me put into perspective why sometimes others not walking this journey say and do (or not) such hurtful things. I hope it helps Sand Fleas

written by Susan Larson

"The death of a child takes you places you've never been before, not only in terms of emotions, but in terms of awareness of all that is. I liken the experience to playing on the shore with your friends and complaining about an occasional bite from a sand flea. It's painful and annoying, but at least everyone else understands how you feel when you're bitten.

Then one day, a wave grabs you and pulls you out into the ocean where you are bitten by a shark. You feel pain you never imagined could exist. And you're alone in unfamiliar territory. When you get back to shore, you try to explain your pain to your friends, but the worst pain they can imagine is being bitten by 1,000 sand fleas. That's all they know. There is no way to explain it to them.

But it's not just the pain you can't explain. While struggling under the water you're suddenly aware that there is infinitely more to life than what we see on the shore. You see the ocean floor with coral reefs and rock formations, things you had never before imagined. You have tapped into the vastness of creation to a higher degree. And again, there is no way to adequately describe this vastness you see and feel. You have nothing to compare it to.

You have a true sense of a greater dimension, and you know that the loved one you miss is out there. You also know your loved one is not lost, but has only gone before you to a place more beautiful and vast than those on the shore could ever imagine. Yes, you still get annoyed with the sand fleas, but you now realize how trivial they are. And even if your friends don't understand you, you know there is Someone greater out there who does."

[lorismom]

For Donosmom ~ Mary ~ Thank you so much for posting that beautiful little story about "Sand Fleas". I made a copy of it and will keep it where I can read it often. I'm glad that you are making progress on this journey and that memories of Matthew give you peace. Thank you again for this wonderful story of hope and encouragement. Patty

[namarella]

The earlier thread about what we hold onto, what we let go of struck me. My husband was in the attic last night and found a blanket our son had been crocheting this time last year for his soon-to-born nephew (who was born 5 days after Eric died). Very shortly after Eric died, we cleaned out his room and gave away most of his clothes and things to some of his friends. But we hung onto other things that had such meaning for us...a necklace, stones he’d collected, books, his writings. He’d also been crocheting hats to sell, give away to friends and the homeless (he had been homeless himself)in the months before he died. After his memorial service we invited some of the kids to our house to pick out a hat he’d made...they were delighted to have something of their friend. And I see these hats around town now and then and it makes me smile that something of Eric is continuing on, to keep people’s heads warm. Maybe we build shrines - ways to honor - our children in different ways. Mine wasn’t keeping his room intact, but tending his garden, looking after his friends, caring for his cat, taking some of his philosophies to heart (he couldn’t abide cutting down trees for Christmas, so this year we’ve done a living tree in his honor). This is our first Christmas without him...we’ll be lighting a Winter Solstice fire on our back deck and hope he knows how much we miss him. Peace be with you all - Colleen, Eric’s mom

[erinnzmom]

Donosmom,

thank you for your timely posting. You have given me hope. It's been 16 months since I lost my only child, my daughter, my best friend, the love of my life, Erinn. She was only 31. She was in the hospital less than 7 hours before she died. It was so unexpected sometimes it still doesn't feel real...It's our second round of holidays without her and it seems so much worse this year..I've been in such a funk since before Thanksgiving...We're raising her 14 year old daughter, Katie and trying hard to keep it as "normal" as possible. There is a big part of me that would just like to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me...But I can't..I get up and go to work and help other mom's bring their babies into this world.. and witness the miracle of life everyday. But the joy is gone..but after reading your posting..there is a glimmer of hope that maybe some day..the hope and joy..will return...Thanks agian.

Hugs and prayers

Love.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[shanesmom]

this is the only place to talk of what just happened to me about 30 min. ago, i was on the phone talking to my mom in indiana, i live in maine, we started talking about shane, he is my son who died in oct. of 1998, i had just said to her that it is always with me him being gone, that i had got this book several months ago called heaven, that i read it a while then go back to it, check the bible, leave , go back, ect. i said that the author thinks we will know each other in heaven , if we get there,that i think shane knows what is going-on here, by things that have happened in the past, odd things, then the thought of it has been a while since i have heard from him, did not say it, just a thought, my phone went dead, went to get cordless phone, it was dead, the alarm to our house went-off, it was not even on, got my cell phone, called my husband, my mom was calling me back om home phone, she got our answering service, the phone never rang, be interested in what you think it was

[messenger]

HI SHANES MOM..................I THINK YOU KNOW WHO IT WAS.....................IT WAS SHANE LETTING YOU KNOW........HE WAS WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...NEAT..EXPERIENCE...

WHERE IN INDIANA DOES YOUR MOM LIVE...I LIVE IN SOUTHERN....

HOPEFULLY YOU WILL GET MANY MORE EXPERIENCES LIKE THIS.!!!!! THAT IS WHAT KEEPS US GOING!!!

THEY WORK THRU ELECTRICTY..YOU KNOW AND TELEPHONES ARE A BIGGY!!!

GODS BLESSINGS

MESSENGER

[mikesmomrs]

SHANESMOM: I also had a "telephone" experience, just the day after our son passed away on Oct 14th of this year: I was standing in the kitchen, and my husband, my son's wife, and one of my son's friends, were there. I was mentioning that I felt so bad that I did not have a message on my phone from our son. I had one at one time, but it had accidently gotten erased. This had happened to a message we had on our home phone as well. Just as I said that, my cell phone rang. (My husband and I keep our cell phones on the shelf in the bathroom, plugged into their chargers, when we are not using them. They are turned OFF at that time.) It only rang once. before I could go to it, my husband's cell phone rang, also only once. We all looked at each other, and I went in to get my phone to see what had happened. My phone showed a call received from my husband's phone at 1:14. His phone showed a call made to my phone at 1:13--which was the time when we heard the phones ring. When I checked the phones to see why this happened, I couldn't figure it out. There were no "missed calls" listed, no new messages listed, etc. I started checking the phone out, and in the process, I found a message on my husband's phone, from way back in May, from our son, that my husband didn't even know about! (My husband NEVER checks messages on his phone, cause he just doesn't use his phone that much and hasn't bothered to figure out anything other than answering it or making a call) and for some reason this message had stayed on the phone for all that time!) It began with a comment in our son's usual dry humor, that his dad should record his own message on his voice mail (I had recorded it for him when we first got the phones) and then simply said "Please call me tonight, after "LOST." I love you." I was just thunderstruck! If those phones had not rung when they did, I would not have known about the message that our son had left on my husband's voice mail. I went ahead and forwarded it to my phone, so I now have a message from him on my cell phone that I can listen to whenever I want. How else could it have happened, other than our son reaching out....