Loss of an Adult Child

[enufalreddy]

Artina.........Thank you for encouraging me in my dream of communication between this world and the afterworld. I needed to know that someone beside myself feels that it could or may happen. I treasure my last talk with Walt on the phone. He called for advice as usual and we had a nice long mother/ son talk. The very last words I ever said to my son were in the ending of that call and I told him " I love you ". For that I will be forever grateful.What I wouldn't give to be able to chat with him now. I am beginning to talk to him when I am alone just like he was here and listening. He doesn't answer in words. But I can feel that he is hearing what I say and so the bond we had is still alive and well.One thing losing my son has done for me is motivate me to reconnect with relatives I haven't talked to in years.It has been an eye opening spiritual experience and I find that my distant family appreciate being thought of.It also helps keep me busy so that I don't lose my mind.I don't want anyone who means something to me to leave this world without knowing that I care and that they have impacted my life.Just think though...when they do get us connected with the afterworld what those long distance charges will be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully compassion will rule the day. Again thanks for that post. It was a boost I needed..........Erma

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,I'm sad to say,my husband is back on chemo,3 different kinds,he started friday,and seems to be doing ok,probally better than me,today is his birthday[jan,10].Iwant to do something special for him,but he has to work,so i will probally just cook him a nice dinner,and suprise him by having a couple people here when he comes home for dinner break.He loves his job so he is going to try to keep working.Also i went through some of Nathans clothes today,and then put them all back in the draws,in the back of my mind i still think he will be back for them,so for now that is where they will stay,denial is a wonderful thing....T/C,Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Griffinsmom,i hope you are doing ok, i think about you often,i hope to see you post here again soon,we all have missed you....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- If it helps at all, I think about you always and will pray for you- I will put you at the top of my prayer list- I will pray for you to have the strength that you will need to see your hubby through this- What is his name?? Oh, by the way- Denial is fine- Not to worry!! Leave Nate's clothes right where they are- They are yours for forever and you are free to be whoever you want to be!! Mom, friend, angel and all of the above!!! xoxomamabets

[griffinsmom]

Griffin was in wrestling (and football)- had himself quite a schedule. I didnt like wrestling-spitting to stay in the weight class, starving, etc....then, it reminded me of a dog fight. But he LOVED wrestling...I never understood it....

[alice24]

Artina, So happy to hear back from you. I love talking wrestling and especially about Hiram. You are so right, those long weekends in the gym for a 2 minute match were hard but a lot of fun. The parents had more fun than the boys. The boys would lie on the benches and eat after weigh in while the parents would talk and go outside for "Coaches Meeting" and have some refreshments.

Hiram would have been a 3 time state champion but the coach was immature and spiteful and would not allow Hiram to wrestle in the 160 class weight for his junior year. Coach wanted to win state and demanded Hiram wrestle at 145. He was dehydrated and totally unhealthy. We pleaded with the coach and he would not even let Hiram wrestle off for the spot. Hiram could take any spot. Not bragging, but he was just talented. Long story - Dad got into a heated argument with the coach and pulled him off the team. Had no luck with the School Principal or the Archdiocese and that ended the Junior Year wrestling team. He won at 171 weight class in his Senior Year.

We have so many tapes of wrestling matches and watch them all the time. My husband can tell you every move, the opponent's name and the final results!

He did wrestle Grego and Freestyle as well as Collegiate. He attended Iowa Central for one year on a wrestling scholarship, but could not take all the corn fields. He headed back to N.O. and the fast life.

Griffinsmom, I understand your fustration. The starving was the worst. Hiram would put on garbage bags with sweat suits on top and sit in my bathroom with the heater on to loose weight. I remember him chewing gum and spitting the slavia into a bottle to lose weight. It is a crazy sport - BUT I blame the Coaches for this crazy behavior. I hear that now the boys must have the fat ratio checked before they can be made to loose all that weight. Maybe Hiram can give Griffin a good match. Hiram also played football. He was the defensive player of the year in his Senior year. It was a tough schedule, but kept them busy, on time for school and in gyms or the Field on Friday nights and weekends. When Hiram graduated from High School, my husband and I did not know what to do on weekends!!!!!!!!

Love to All.

[maureensmom]

Hi, Everybody. I just feel so bad. The last two days have been awful for reasons that are unclear to me, I'm crying all the time. It's very hard at work, but everyone tells me that I need the routine and the distraction - I'm sure that's true, but all I really want to to do is either lay in bed or walk, endlessly. And I'm worried about my husband... Maureen was such a challenge to parent. I feel like I did everything I possibly could, but my husband has a lot of guilt in addition to his grief. If I didn't have my younger son Kevin, I wouldn't even be getting up in the mornings. It seems as if it gets worse every day. At least during December, I had that numbness/unreality going for me that made me feel crazy but was also slightly protective. Is there anything I can do to make this better?

[maskott]

Maureensmom...I wish I could tell you something to make this all better, but I can't. Maybe someone else can. My son Matthew died in August...this is 5 months and I can't say that I'm any better than you. I have my somewhat good days-when I can function...go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed. I still constantly think of him. Yesterday...the depression set back in. I was a zombie throughout the day. I didn't care about anything...even whether I lived. Today, I'm a little better, but I'm still tired...so tired. The only thing I keep thinking is that it will get better. I just don't know when. You take one breath at a time, one minute at a time, one hour....etc. For these first five months the pain has been endless but we get through each day. Hoping maybe someone can give you a better answer. I could use it too.

BettyAnn

[bokenhearted]

Hello all

I have just stumbled onto this site and am hoping that I will gain some support as I am having a very difficult time at the moment. My son died last April. He committed suicide and I guess I don't need to say that it has just left myself and my family totally devistated. Our lives have been changed forever and will never be the same again. We were a happy family unit until he hit a rocky patch and became depressed and he thought the solution was suicide. He couldn't have realised just how this would have affected us or he would never have done this. I know he wasn't thinking straight but even though I can rationalise this most of the time I still have these terrible lows myself. I try hard not to do this to myself but I just don't seem to have any control over these feelings. I cry myself to sleep some nights and then when I wake in the mornings I start again. I have gained weight which makes me feel awful and I know I should watch what I eat but I just don't seem to care when I feel so shocking. I just miss my son so much and I wish there was something that I could do to make these pictures in my mind of my boys last horrendous days go away. I feel like I am going nuts myself some days. I keep asking myself what I did on this earth that was so bad that my son had to be taken. He was a great guy and never hurt a soul. I look around at some of the rotton sods that walk this earth and think why are they here when my son isn't? It is just not fair. My heart actually aches so. Can anyone tell me how they have learned to cope. I have gone back to work and I try to put on a brave face for my families sake and people around me but noone wants to talk about him anymore and that really hurts me. I need to talk about him but you can see people feel uncomfortable. any suggestions?

[avc2003]

dear broken hearted, my name is charlotte, i lost my son three days from his 20th birthday two years ago. I read your story, and i feel exactly the same way, the same thoughts, i thought i was going crazy for awhile, i have 5 other children at home. my son anthony chavez loved lowrider cars, he built and owned two beautiful cars, one was a 1969 impala and a 75 lincon. the impala was having problems with the hydrualics on 11/13/03 three days from his b-day 11/10/83.it had snowed that day. i had made him a b-day dinner that evening, that was the last i saw him alive,believe me if i would have known that was my last night i wouldnt have let him out the door that evening. my son was crushed by his car , no authority could have saved him, couldnt open the security gate on time, broken hearted, may god bless you and your family. remeber our sons are with god and our angels just call and open your heart and he will come, your friend charlotte chavez in N,M.

[rmcaggiano]

Dear Heartbroken,

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I think some how or another

We all somehow stumbled across this site, not ever knowing we would have

Ever sought out such a place.

No, I don’t believe your son quite knew either what was ahead of you, knowing

You would always feel this pain with his loss. How old is your son? I too lost

My son in 2005, he is 21 yrs. I know I still feel as empty as the first day I lost

Him. I think the only hope all of us parents feel is that one day we will all see

Them again. I do know one thing for sure my Nicholas is in a very sunny place.

I believe that is where all of our children are.

Know that I’m praying I am remembering your son too.

Rose

[julsmom]

Dear heartbroken, I wish we all had some magic words to help you feel better. It is a long long road. Remember you just have to put one foot in front of the other and just breathe for the next 30 seconds. If you can find a support group that might be helpful. I read a book called "I wasn't ready to say goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair, which was very helpful. You can get it at Barnes & Nobles or order on line. Our 27 y/o daughter died in a one car crash 10/13/03. May you find peace and comfort. Lynda

[julsmom]

To All - is it me or have others felt something like this too. I don't want anyone to forget Julie, yet today when we got a belated Christmas card/letter with a handwritten note that the sender thinks of us and Julie often, it made me depressed. I do believe the sender does think of Julie as Julie worked for the husband and spent time with the family. I just can't believe it sent me into another funk instead of feeling better. Who knows, maybe I finally am going crazy. Thanks to all. Lynda

[Artina]

Alice24,

Oh my goodness... my son wrestled 171 his Junior and Senior year and was defensive player of the year for his football team. He was a middle linebacker. He loved football as much as he loved wreslting. He also got an award for the most pins his senior year- all of this after he came back after having his ACL replaced. I love wrestling and I love football. It sounds like your son gave you some amazing memories. I do fear nights with nothing to do after my living son graduates from high school- because I love watching my children. My husband could also tell you every wrestler my son wrestled- he kept logs on them. We too have every match recorded. I have to tell you that I am in awe of our similar experiences and the fact that the number on your name is my husbands softball number, which is Chris's football number backwards (42) and the way that he says "hello" to us from the other side. Thank you for sharing the memories of your son with me- I feel like I have sat with a friend who knows my son...

Griffinsmom,

I too didn't like the dieting. Doesn't make for a happy camper, but they did what they had to do to achieve what they set in front of themselves. They were tuff kids. Sweet baby boys... I bet they all know each other.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Julsmom,

You are not going crazy... you just miss Julie. It hurts to have their names on a card and it hurts to not have their names on a card, because it just hurts. I know that you know that, but I just want you to know that I struggle with the same thing.

Peace to you,

Tina

[Artina]

Bokenhearted,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. One of the most difficult variables to grief is dealing with the people around us who don't know what to say or do for us. I too put on a face, in order to cope, but I also know that that face sends the message that I don't want anybody to reach out to me. And, to be quite honest with you, I don't. I talk to people that I trust- my best friends. I tell them that I just want to talk, cry, and vent without them trying to fix me- because there is no fix. Do you have a good friend that will let you vent without saying something to add to your grief? If you do, start a walking routine with her and start talking and pounding the ground- it does wonders.

Peace to you, Tina

[mamabets]

For All- Our kids are in a sunny place- Very well put, Rcmaggiano- I just know it- If I didn't have these things to hang on to, nothing would make any sense here- I feel all of the pain around cards- I get so sad when they come and Danny's name has been removed- I'll tell you this- I sign them "Much Love, Betsy ,Dean, Jackie, Julie, Josh The 4 Holy Hounds and... A Little Touch of Heaven" He is always my little touch of Heaven, always... Maybe signing things like that would help, and no, Julsmom, you are definately not crazy... Promise- You couldn't be crazy if you tried, not after this!! I love you all!!xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i'm sorry,my husband's name is John,and he recieved his first chemo Friday and tolerated it ok,he has pretty good attitude about it all,i give him a lot of credit..If you ever want to see picture of Nathan,i think u can go to projo.com,then go to obit's and pull up guest book,people from all over have signed his guest book,last name BLACK,someone extended it till march so we have been able to go on all year and write messages to him...T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

To all, about cards,i had a really hard time this Christmas with the card signing deal ,so i opt not to send any,but what i did with gifts,was to sign mine and my husband's name ,then add,Nate in spirit,that is pretty much how i sign anything now when it comes from the family,it seems to weird to not still include Nathan...Kathy,Nate's mom

[maureensmom]

Dear Brokenhearted, thanks for sharing with us. I don't know how to go forward, either, except somehow it's just happening. I've kept a journal for the last few years, and it helps sometimes to look back to that week after Maureen died (December 8, 2005) and realize, that yes, it actually is better now than it was. That's not saying much, I know, but I can see that what I call my "agony index" was higher then. What helps me is crying when I need to, lots of walking, and talking to my closest friends. Several of my friends have a faith that is stronger than mine, even though the flavor is different - one is Jewish, one isn't sure she believes in any type of church or religious denomination, but they are absolutely convinced that Maureen isn't gone. I'm trying to establish a different type of connection with her. Our relatioship has been fractured so completely, but I have to pick up those pieces and make it work on a whole new level. Thanks everyone for this site - it has helped me so much.

[enufalreddy]

Hello again everyone. Having you here is such a comfort to me. To know that I am not alone in my feelings and thoughts.Without you I would fear I was insane.I know that if I start talking about Walter I am going to cry. So if I am in a situation where I need not be in tears I don't start.Lately the thing that is keeping me from being swallowed up by the depression is staying busy.Another thing that has become very important to me is making sure that anyone in my life that I care about knows it without reservation. It helps me feel more peaceful and keeps me busy using my energies in a positive way. I make quilts as a hobby and anyone in my family who doesn't already have a quilt from me is on the list to get one. Sewing helps me find some serenity despite the insanity that runs constantly through my head.It is a productive distraction I guess you could say.Walt is on my mind from the time I wake until I fall asleep.Even when I am thinking and involved in something else.I can't help it. I'm not apologizing for it either. I felt for months as if he was being ripped physically from my body.You can't explain that type of feeling to anyone.There is no way for them to understand it.If I get emotional and the tears come ...they come. There is no way to stop them and I am too tired and hurt to try.The world will just have to accept me the way I am.If someone can't handle my emotionality that is their problem.I pray they will never have to feel what I feel.I am still waiting for my phone connection to heaven.Can't wait.Until then I will stay busy and keep posting and reading.Kathy your husband is on my prayer list.You are all on my prayer list.May God work his will in your life today and in mine.Thanks again for being here....Erma

[bokenhearted]

Hello all

Thankyou to everyone who responded to my cry for help yesterday. I really was very low and when I checked on tonight and read your replies it really has helped. Made me cry some more but that is OK. I cried tonight just because it is comforting to know that you care how I feel and most of all understand. I feel a little better tonight. I am lucky to have a couple of really great friends who do help me enormously and if it wasn\'t for them I don\'t know what I would do. I live in a small country community and there are limited organisations to access. So unlike cities where you can get therapy there isn\'t any to be had. I have had a lot of death in my family over the years to cope with. I have lost 2 brothers, my father and mother but to lose a child is just the worst to experience. I feel like part of me has died too. I am so glad that I do work as my job has been a lifeline and my workmates have been very supportave. It is just that everyone else gets on with there lives and I know they probably don\'t think too much on my situation anymore but even though we are actually putting one foot after the other it is very hard to go forward. One thing that I have done since the time my son Karl died is I have kept a journal. It has helped me to express all my pent up emotions. I do look back at it even now but I can't see much of a change there yet, unlike Maureensmum, but hopefully with time I will. I will take your word on that one... thankyou.

Anyway thanks everyone for being there. I am so glad I have found you all. I wish you all well.

Jo

[mamabets]

For Enufalready- I recieved a beautiful quilt from my Danny's girlfriend, made out of his clothes, and lately everyone from here has been wanting to see a picture of it, and alot of our family here wants quilts made too!!! Maybe you could start doing it for our group here!!! Hey, everybody, look!!! Enufalready makes quilts!!! I love you and thank you for the miracle story today about how you make quilts!!! Trust me, we have all needed this story!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Brokenhearted- All I can promise you is this... It will, with time, get a little bit easier and the more you come here to all of us, the more it will help. When it hurts, it kills my heart, the thought of my being here without my Danny- He passed in June of 2004, and I do not know how I can do a life without him, but everyday I am reminded that somehow I am, and there is always someone that I can reach out to, and vice versa- We are here for you always and ALWAYS remember that. How did your angel pass? xoxomamabets

[bokenhearted]

To Enufalready and Mambets

I too make quilts but I didn't think about making a quilt out of my sons clothes. What a wonderful idea. I still have not done anything with Karls clothes and didn't really know what to do with them but I do now. You have just given me a little bit of him back to hang onto and cuddle up to. Well I will have once I have made the quilt. I now know that I was really meant to find this site with you all.

Jo

[bokenhearted]

To Mamabets

Thanks for your words. It is hard to know how we will carry on isn't it? My angel committed suicide with a rifle. He had a short while before taken Ecstacy (only once) but that was enough to send him into a paranoid state and he was a very frightened young man. He thought someone was going to kill him but he also thought they would harm us to get to him so he killed himself to save us. He left us a note telling us this. It just breaks my heart to think of the hell he was living then. He was very hard on himself for letting himself down by taking this drug. He went through all his teenage years and didn't touch it and then just one weekend he weekened and it only took one to ruin his life and ours. But who am I to say if I may have done the same thing if I was his age living in these times. I told him this hoping that he would just give himself a chance to recover but he was a quiet person who always sorted his own problems out usually but this time it just wasn't the right way. Life can be so cruel

Jo

[maskott]

I just need to repeat what brokenhearted said about the loss of a child not being the same as losing a parent. I lost my father 23 years ago and it did hurt, yes, but there is no comparison. Some people don't seem to understand that. They feel that they got over the death of their parent, so you should be able to get over the death of your child. They don't understand that losing a child is like having a piece of you ripped out of your body. I went to visit my mother yesterday and we were talking about Matthew. I had to make her understand a few months ago that I need to talk about him. As we are talking, she says "but you know you will have to get over this sometime. I know now may be too soon, but sometime". I explained to her that I will never "get over this". I may learn to live with it-but never get over it. People mean well...I just wish they wouldn't say things like "get over it" or "move on".

I'm sorry, I had to vent. It's been a depressing few days.

BettyAnn

[alice24]

Artina, So gald to hear from you. I used 24 because that was Hiram\'s age and birthday - Feb 24. I never thought of looking for a sign with that number. I do enjoy sports just because of Hiram and loved every moment in the blechers.

Keep me posted on your wrestling stories.

[alice24]

Enufalready, be ready for several orders. I am so excited about the Quilt idea that I am looking for someone in New Orleans area to make several for me. I did not want to divide his clothes and could not bear to even pick them up or wash the dirty clothes. Everything is in the exact spot in which he left them before going to ride his motorcycle.

Now I desperately want a quilt to hold and hug. Thanks Mammabets for the idea.

[mattsdad]

Hi all,

It has been a couple of weeks since I have posted. The holiday season took up so much of all of our time. I am glad to have the "happy holidays" over with.

What I am left with is the emptiness and loss that is so overwhelming right now.

5 months into this journey and this past week has been the absolute worst. Sadness, anger, depression ALL week long. I am sure that I am not alone in my feelings. But I trust that this feeling of melancholy will pass.

Please let me know if this is true....

Tired of being tired.

Tired of holding back tears.

Tired of being strong.

Tired of being weak.

Tired of being pitied.

Tired of my family suffering endlessly.

Tired of wondering of the lost potential that was Matthew's life and death.

Tired of people thankful that it was my son---not theirs. It was my child---not theirs.(can you blame them?)

Tired of being ME!

Tired of ...life.

But the choice we have is to carry on or give up. THAT is sometimes a hard choice.

I hope for peace for all who come here. Thanks for listening.

Jeff

[maureensmom]

Jeff - that's exactly how I feel, also. Mostly numb, with brief periods where my work or my son will distract me, and then right back into the grief. I'm tortured by the physical things: how is it possible that I will never hug my daughter, for the rest of my whole life? No hugs, no phone calls, no "love you, Mom's", no grocery shopping in our refrigerator, no one to tell me that the lines in my face don't matter, that I'm still beautiful to her. No one to show clothes to. I can feel my hand on her cheek, I can feel her kiss me on the forehead. I'm just overwhelmed by all that I have lost.

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

I'm so sorry to learn that your husband is undergoing chemo.

I will remember him in prayer.

Rmcaggiano,

I agree with you wholeheartedly when you said that you keep

going by knowing that someday you will see your son again.

This is something that I have held onto since my David was killed.

Sometimes I think that this hope is all that keeps me holding

on and trying to survive. I just want to see him on the other

side, and sometimes I think that the sooner---the better.

Peace to you and everyone who comes to BI.

[daveydow1]

Brokenhearted,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son Karl. Please

come back to BI. We all understand and know your pain

and terrible grief. I feel as though I am just stumbling

in the dark at times, and not much help to myself or to

anyone--the feeling of helplessness---I guess we all get

it, but there is a lot of caring and concern here at BI.

Take care and peace be with you.

[bokenhearted]

daveydow1

Thanks for the support and encouragement to come back. I most certainly will. You are right about the helplessness but it does help a little to know others care. You take care too.

Jo

[mamabets]

For Brokenhearted- That is right... Just keep in touch with us, keep coming back and we will help you the best way that we know how, for we all know exactly how you feel.... This is a family here, a family that has been dealt a tough, mean hand... Keep the faith, if you can, and know that it does get somewhat easier...xoxomamabets

[alice24]

Maureensmom and Jeff,

That is exactly how I feel. I just want that phone call "Hi Mom, What's Up?" I miss the excitment of seeing Hiram and hugging him. I am in the 13th month and it is not any better. I could not wait for the Holidays to be over and then the aftermath or the silence after all the rush was terrible. I try talking to Hiram all the time and ask for signs from him. I love seeing white birds flying in the sky. It is my symbol from Hiram. I am sometimes driving to work and feeling blue and a white bird will circle my car or fly next to me. I know it is my baby saying Hello Mom, What's Up.

Love to All.

[mattsdad]

To all,

Sorry for being negative some posts back. It sometimes is easier to be that way than to look to the future with rose colored glasses. Here's hoping that the next few days will bring a reversal of bad feelings. From what I hear, Matthew would not want me to feel depressed; so I will be hoping that better days are coming.

Jeff

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- No need to ever apologize about how you are feeling- Wee need you to be honest!! Whe we feel like that, you will understand what it is like, and you will help just by understanding, if nothing else!! This is a journey filled with all kinds of hope, and at every turn, ofte, all kinds of dissapointment, It is through our being together that we learn how to take chatge- It does get easier- I promise- And, without the people that were hurting, along with the people that were filled with some kind of new found peace, I need to understand them all so I can see myself!! I Love Youxoxomamabets

[enufalreddy]

Mattsdad...For sure..I don't think we need to apologize here for our feelings. This is our safe place to be who we are today. Each day,each new situation brings with it a whole new torrent of emotion. We all have good days and bad.Bringing it here ,in a way, buffers our family and friends from the craziness that is what we feel at times. I don't have to suffer my husband with my insanity when I can bring it here where you understand totally and are not effected personally by my inability to cope on my crazy or bad days. This is my safe haven for venting the pain and frustration that hits me in my gut when I least expect it. You don't hold it against me and you don't criticize me for it. That means the world to me as I'm sure others here feel the same . Post whatever is your life in this journey today. It helps the rest of us to feel comfortable in doing the same.This morning I feel rather serene in general. Yet in a place in my heart I am screaming...NO>>>>>>NO>>>>NO>>>>>> IT CAN'T BE !!!!!!! As always thank you all for being here and for sharing your journey with me so that I can feel sane in an insane situation. Loving you all.....Erma

[donosmom]

Mattsdad, there is no need to apologize. That is one of the blessing of this site, we don’t have to try and look through those rose colored glasses, it is the one safe haven we all have when the rest of the world is wanting us to do exactly that, look through those rose glasses. It isn’t necessarily easier to be negative, it is just where we are for the time, and I for one don’t have the energy left to be more than where I am today. 5 months is still so very early, I don’t think I had the wits about me to even recognize yet what you have. Bless you and your family.

On a another note, I just found out that I am going to be a grandma! And talking about signs, my daughter and I were grocery shopping and we were looking at the produce when I saw a bag of oranges, guess what the brand was? Uncle Matt's! We took it as a sign from Matthew telling his sister he was here for her!

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[Artina]

Donosmom,

Congradulations... I do believe that was a sign- without one doubt.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

To all,I want to say thank you all for thinking of my husband and praying for him,i think maybe they are helping,because he seems to be doing pretty good.I have been on an emotional rollacoster,worrying about John,missing Nathan so much,and then yesterday i spent with my niece,who is like my daughter,since her mom passed in 2001.She delivered a beautiful baby boy,named Evan Nathan,i was with her during the whole labor and delivery,she was in labor for 12hours,so when that baby finally came ,and he cried,i cried and she cried,and her husband took pictures,WHAT A DAY![FRIDAY THE 13TH] Iwas a nervous wreck....All day today all i keep thinking about is how Nathan would of loved to of been there,he was very close to his cousin,and i know i felt him there at times, but i would love to see the excitement in his face....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

To Mattsdad,you do not have to be sorry,you posted just what i feel,and like others said,that is the nice thing about this site,we can post how sad we feel and not be judged or have people say things like "time will heal "etc.I think what is really bothering me these days,is listening to other people complain about there kids,what they do or don't do.It makes me crazy,and i just want to scream "At least you got them!!! T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[ashleysmom]

Mary, Congratulations! I too definately think that was a sign! How awesome! I too am going to be a grandmother. The baby is due on the Fourth of July, the day that Ashley was promoted to Glory. I take that as a sign as well. If Crystal had tried, I don't think she could have planned that!

I agree that there are no apologies necessary for the way that we feel. We have all been there and no doubt will be there again.

Kathy, I remember feeling the same way. I used to think, at least you have your kids as well, but, I remember complaining when I didn't like what one of my kids were going to do or decisions that they made that I didn't like. I just don't think they think about who they are saying it to. Peace to all, Dottie

[mamabets]

For Ashleysmom- How blessed that Crystals baby is due on the Fourth of July!!! You go straight to that doctor every month with her and make sure that that wee one is coming on that day!!!! Just kidding, of course, but wouldn't it be neat??!! Hey, my Danny was due on Halloween 1978 and came on that day, into my world, and changed me forever!! He is with me always, I will tell you that for sure!! So is Ashley- She planned for this little miracle to be born on this day, even if the date changes- It was a sign for you to know that she is at peace and playing with all of the teeny tiny angels above!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- How wonderful- Friday the 13th, and a new life- I got new carpet for these looney dogs of mine to cozy up on- Hope that they don't wee on these rugs!! My niece is having a baby early March and I am beside myself- There is something about new life that will help, right?? How close does this baby live from you?? This is GREAT news, Kath- I am so happy for you!! How is John holding up??xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Donosmom- Yup, a definate sign, my dear- Matt, hanging out in the produce department-!! Their powers are endless, their abilities beyond our comprehension- Remember that always, and he will never cease to amaze you!!! And, all of these babies!! Where will new grandbaby live?? Will this be your first grandchild??? xoxomamabets

[maureensmom]

Maybe my child really is able to communicate with us still. Last week, I was leaving work when I had this strong "idea" that Maureen would want to write her Dad a letter, and that two specific phrases would be there. It was very strange, but I went home and wrote the letter to my husband. I've never had anything like that happen to me. One of the phrases was "I'll love you forever." God, we are having such a hard time right now. I know it's been only 5 weeks since her death, but all of a sudden I can't look at myself in the mirror because I see myself as Maureen's mother - not even me anymore. I feel crazy sometimes. This grief is just so overwhelming, my husband and I think we'll just dissolve, but of course - you just go on, and so does the pain. I am so grateful for my 15 year old, I think I would just check out to a beach somewhere, permanently, if it weren't for him.

[mamabets]

For Maureensmom- What those feelings like you had I refer to as "feelings in my heart" and when thet happen, I know that it is my Danny tring to tell me something. We communicated so well while he was here, it seemed, and now I find that I have to learn a whole new way of communicating with him because he is in this whole new dimension and i am still here. So, feeling strong urges to do things like write to your husband are good things, I think- Maybe, too, start to keep a journal and write to her, about what you are feeling- It has helped me tremendously over the last year and a half and it is just this story about us- It involves all of our loved ones, and I am amazed in looking back, who isn't involved. Sad, but true... You can't sugar coat these and before long some kind of strength that will somehow help to sustain will become a part of this pain. We are here for you every step of the way and all you have to do is to keep on doing what you are doing... Reach out when you need to, be alone when you want to and always know that we are here. oxoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,John is doing pretty good ,gets tired though,so he sleeps alot,but if that is the worst of it,i can be thankful.Baby Evan lives about 1/2 hour from me ,i was there today,he looks so much like Nathan,i had a feeling he would,he has lots of black hair and long fingers,just like Nate.Just holding him i feel like i am looking at Nate,it feels so strange.He is definently a gift from God..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom