Loss of a Teenager

[Artina]

Kathie,

It sounds like your community really reached out to you and your children. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Good for you for being part of that ceremony. Your children would be so honored!

Peace to you, Tina

[missingchris]

Happy 18th Birthday Christopher. We miss you more than words can express. Watch over us today.

Mom, Dad & Dakota

[titoyginasmom]

Tina,

I made a promise to all of the kids in our community when my children died. I promised them that my "open door" policy would go on. I also told them that I would be there for them just as if their friends (my children) were still here. To me the very idea of missing graduation was beyond all I could bear. No matter HOW much it hurt me, the other kids deserved the cheers and congratulations from me. They earned every cheer I had, every congratulation I spoke, and most of all they earned my respect as young adults. I was grateful that they chose to include me in all of their senior year festivities. I was honored by them all.

Kathie

PS.....Happy 18th Birthday to Chris! Eat some cake for us all up there.

Kathie,

It sounds like your community really reached out to you and your children. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Good for you for being part of that ceremony. Your children would be so honored!

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Kathie,

Like I said before, your children would be so proud of you. The impact your presence had on the graduating class is far more than I could ever put into words. Every kid at that graduation was thinking about your children and sending such warm and positive thoughts their way... they were not forgotten.

Peace to you, Tina

[missingchris]

Thank you all.

We had what turned out to be a beautiful day. Kody was in his parade this morning, carrying his brother's picture. He threw candy to the kids along the way. And then so many, most that we didn't expect, friends and neighbor's showed up at the cemetary to help us celebrate Chris's birthday. The balloons flew straight up..... we all watched as they disappeared. I will never again underestimate how important friends are after you lose a child. Not one of our family members called or showed up. But it was such a comfort to have all the people that helped us that week we lost Chris surrounding us. Thank you all who left messages on Chris's web site and here. You helped us through one of the "first's" that we dreaded. Peace to you all........

Becki, Rich & Dakota

http://christopher-kimbrew.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[joshsmom]

Today is the 1st Anniversary for Josh, and the day is sunny and already warm. Not like last year.....it was rainy and cool!

On Sunday we had a picnic to remember Josh and we had so many firends and kids show up!! It was very comforting to know that they haven't forgotten him! It really does help to know that so many people are here and are willing to be supportive after something like this happens!!! When I read about what you wrote about everyone being at the cememtary, I understood exactly what you meant!

Sunday was also Graduation for our town and a few of Josh's friends that Graduated that day, still made a point of stopping here to give us a hug, even on their important day!

We are going to take balloons to the cemetary also today, I know alot of Josh's friends will be there too!

Tomorrow and Thursday we have the trial for the lady whose son gave Josh the Methedone pills.....keep us in your thought and prayers, Please!!

We also found out over the weekend that her son was caught again with methedone is his possession! What's wrong with these people!!

It was neat to read about having the kids sign the 2005 t-shirt! I will definately like to do that next year at the 2006 Graduation, and be there too to watch all of Josh's class!!

Thanks for being here!!!

Josh's Mom!!

[8lscanfly]

TitoyginasMom I am so sorry for your loss. I too have just lost a son this February. Our community as well has given us so much support at times I feel overwhelmed. I too have made a committment to Martin's friends. I will not make myself unapproachable. When I was in high school, I lost a very good friend, and I wanted so much to see her parents out and about just to say hello, but they were not visiable. I now understand why, but I somehow have to be there to let those kids know that they are not alone. That if they need to talk, I will be there. We have attended all the high school baseball games in my son, Martin's, honor and the parents have been there to help us through. Sometimes the community support is so much better than the family support. Just this past Wednesday we gave out Martin's first Memorial Scholarship to a graduating senior even though Martin was in his freshman year it was still hard. I really liked the idea of the table with memorabilia on it. I will have to remember that special touch in a few years. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[titoyginasmom]

I wish I knew what to say to you all. I will keep Josh's family and friends in my thoughts of course. As for the boy also getting busted again for meth...what can I say? Seems like more the MOTHER'S lack of correct moral teachings that led a child to make wrong choices. The First time. As for the most recent time, well perhaps it is a guilty cry for the punishment he feels he might deserve?

Martin's mother...I am so very sorry for your loss as well. The first couple of months after losing Tito and Gina I really wanted to curl up and die. This site, my children's friends, and a set of Teddy Bears got me through so much. The teddy bears were made for me, include pennies from each of their birth years, and a little voice box that says "I Love You" in their tummies. Most large malls have a store where you can make your own teddy bear. I also spend as much time as I can with my kids' friends. I listen to them, encourage them, counsel them on life choices, etc. I even allow them all the right to come to me at any hour they need to talk. If I am sleeping, so what! These kids would have come to my children, so I owe them the same respect. These young adults are very understanding if I am having a bad day. Some even seem to sense it... that is when they show up out of the blue just to hug me.

God Bless and Peace to all..

Kathie....Tito y Gina's Mom

TitoyginasMom I am so sorry for your loss. I too have just lost a son this February. Our community as well has given us so much support at times I feel overwhelmed. I too have made a committment to Martin's friends. I will not make myself unapproachable. When I was in high school, I lost a very good friend, and I wanted so much to see her parents out and about just to say hello, but they were not visiable. I now understand why, but I somehow have to be there to let those kids know that they are not alone. That if they need to talk, I will be there. We have attended all the high school baseball games in my son, Martin's, honor and the parents have been there to help us through. Sometimes the community support is so much better than the family support. Just this past Wednesday we gave out Martin's first Memorial Scholarship to a graduating senior even though Martin was in his freshman year it was still hard. I really liked the idea of the table with memorabilia on it. I will have to remember that special touch in a few years. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[Artina]

It hurts to think that people don't learn their lessons after they have taken a life... you are right to ask, "what are these people thinking". I pray that the Judge sees it the same way and does something that will teach them a lesson and bring them awareness.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Know I haven't posted much lately and would like to apologize. It has been really hard for some reason with Kirk's birthday coming up. This will be the 5th one without him and it doesn't seem like it has been 5 years.

Something else that happened today that may seem strange, but really hurts is our boat bit the dust. The engine blew and we can't afford to fix it again. We got that boat when Kirk was 6 because we liked the lake so much and it holds so many memories. I just feel that it shouldn't mean so much, but it does and now it looks like we are going to have to finally trade it in, something I have been avoiding because it really is the last motorized thing we had left that he was attached to. God, that seems so insignificant, but as we all know it isn't.

I will be leaving in the next couple of days to go havesting again and in its own way it is difficult to know I will be celebrating his birthday while cutting wheat in a combine, that last thing I was really able to do together with him. I keep saying that it gets easier, and it does, but when those setbacks come they can really be overwhelming.

[joshsmom]

Boy do I ever understand what you mean about hitting setbacks!! We waited a year to have the women's jury trial whose Methedone it was that killed Josh! Of all things the Pre-trial was right on Josh's 1st Anniversary date, May 31st! We got word in the morning from the DA that the two guys who where subpeanaed to testify that she sold them her methedone also, didn't show up for court! The judge dismissed her case! The DA is confident that he can still get the guys to cooperate and he can refile the charges against her, but it's like starting from the begining! She now is free to enjoy her whole summer! My husband was devistated and has really taken this hard! On Wednesday he ended up quiting his job! I know it's the stress of knowing she's gotten away with this again!

It is so very hard to deal with the setbacks when they happen!

We will have Josh's second birthday without him on August 30th and it would have been his 18th! One he was so excited to celebrate! The 1st one was hard since it was only three months after he passed, but this one too will be especially hard for us! (As I'm sure they all will be!)

Just know that Kirk is still close to you! He is always around you!!!That's what helps me!

My thoughts are with you!!

Josh's Mom!

[encouraged]

KIRKSDAD'S POST:

Know I haven't posted much lately and would like to apologize. It has been really hard for some reason with Kirk's birthday coming up. This will be the 5th one without him and it doesn't seem like it has been 5 years.

Something else that happened today that may seem strange, but really hurts is our boat bit the dust. The engine blew and we can't afford to fix it again. We got that boat when Kirk was 6 because we liked the lake so much and it holds so many memories. I just feel that it shouldn't mean so much, but it does and now it looks like we are going to have to finally trade it in, something I have been avoiding because it really is the last motorized thing we had left that he was attached to. God, that seems so insignificant, but as we all know it isn't.

I will be leaving in the next couple of days to go havesting again and in its own way it is difficult to know I will be celebrating his birthday while cutting wheat in a combine, that last thing I was really able to do together with him. I keep saying that it gets easier, and it does, but when those setbacks come they can really be overwhelming.

KIRKSDAD,

Been wondering about you and missing your posts. I understand about the boat. For me, it's my car. The AC has been out for a year and in Texas, car air conditioning is almost a must.

Today, we are driving to the Panhandle (in my husband's pickup that has AC) to a wedding. We'll see family whom we have not seen since our son's funeral two years ago. It will be a bittersweet reunion. I KNOW I must go. And I absolutely have to put aside my feelings and celebrate the marriage of my nephew.

You are in my prayers as you begin harvest. My nephew's family are farmers in the Panhandle and I've heard many stories about harvest time. Please pray for my husband and me as we go. Our children, because of job commitments, cannot accompany us. One thing I have learned in this "journey through grief" is that there are some times when I can be happy if I look diligently enough for those times. I'm going to be really looking today and tomorrow.

Your friend,

Wanda

[kirksdad]

Joshsmom, I can't imagine the pain you guys must be feeling because of our judicial system. It is there to protect the criminal and not the victim and probably will never change. I understand where it is eating your husband up. We didn't have anything like you had, but Kirk had ADHD and we tried as best as we could to help him with it, but faced a school system, with a high school and principal that didn't want to help us out. I hated them for that and it ate away at me for almost 2 years after Kirk's death. I know that I have mentioned it before, but there were memorials at our high school up until Kirk's death and after his death they were all taken down and the principal came up with a policy, on his own that wouldn't allow for any kid to be memorialized. It came at such a strange time that I was overwhelmed. I am not even sure if we would have put up a memorial, but after that happened I was so appalled that I took on a committee to make sure they were put back up and they were in a nice place in a very nice fashion. This year we gave another scholarship and when when it came out in the paper it was just given with our last name, not even mentioning Kirk. I called the newspaper and they told me that the high school only sent down last names with all the people that gave scholarships if they last name started with an a or a b. Just another slight to chalk up on my why I hate this person's list. I can say that I have tried to be civil, but it is not easy.

When one loses a child anything and everything that could have made that child's life more difficult is magnified. To have gone through and to still go through what you are going through is going to take the strength of Job. I just don't know what I would do. Your husband sounds like it is hurting him so much that it is conflicting with his life completely, and that can happen. I wish I had answers, but even now I feel the pain a lot more than I have in what seems like a couple of years. I am trying not to let it interfer with my life, but then all at once things seem to happen that bring the pain right up to the surface again. It is beyond anyone else's comprehension.

I know that this will take time for all of us. We are all in such different places as far as our grief is concerned. I know in my heart it will all work out for everyone, even with those pot holes that seem to devour us, now and then, along this endless road.

[kirksdad]

Wanda, it seem like we have to put aside our feeling a lot, but I guess that is just the way it has to be. I know that being around family after this has happened is hard. It is so unreal to watch as everyone elses life seems to move on and we are stuck for such a time in our world of loss and pain. Now it is better for us after such a time, and I am thankful that my family will still mention Kirk and bring things up, although it is not dwelt upon, ever, which is good. They still can say his name in front of us. Others we know can do the same, but there are those that would just as soon let it alone and go on. I guess that is the way of the world, it can be painful, but we learn to live with it in time.

[Artina]

Jim,

I just want you to know how much Kirk has touched the lives of my family and friends. When I mention you, or Kirk, my family and friends know who you are. Kirk's life story lives within all of us. Thank you for being a voice that speaks volumes of truth regarding grief. I would like to extend a prayer as you approach Kirk's birthday, because I know that those dates are bitter sweet.

As far as your boat... I totally understand. We still have Chris's jeep. We don't drive it, insure it, or talk about it. We just know that we don't want to get rid of it. Significant it is! We all understand your unwillingness to let your boat go.

Peace to you my friend, Tina

[Artina]

Joshsmom,

I am sorry that another door has closed. I really can't understand what you are going through, but I know that it has to be one more variable that makes your grief even harder. This day shall pass and they will have their day... they will!

Peace to you, Tina

[griffinsmom]

I havent been able to post for some reason lately, and so much has happened. Griffin missed- Senior Prom, Grad Bash, Graduation,his 18th birthday- his friends planted a beautiful oak tree in our yard- and a "rock"- the tree is surrounded by bricks painted by people attending his "celebraion of life" at this great park down the street-(photos soon to be on the web)- where we released 18 white doves- very spectacular.....I have Griffins senior yearbook- signed by friends- the BAC of the driver is inadmissible in court- I can't stop crying- the baby is great- I cant seem to find how to live without my Griffin. With all this being said and done- it's like- "now what"? I even "bought" a star for Griffin so his friends and Gianna can look to the Big Dipper and know Griffins star is there shining for all eternity. I went to his graduation to see his life long friends graduate- (inspired by titoyginasmom)-Ive been to a medium, going to see John Edward in a group session (on Griffin Road in Lauderdale)- how does a person live with this- time goes on, new cd's come out, new technology- life goes on- everywhere but here. How do people live with this? Its been 5 months since my only son and best friend said "see ya later"- and I never saw him again, and wont for so long. I'm just beside myself- really. It is almost as though I have not accepted this, and just refuse to. Someone please tell me how people live their lives without their children! Griffin is my only son, I raised him by myself- he is my world. Now I have this other world- with a new baby, but no Griffin. Please- I want someone to tell me what to do! I have no family left- but my baby- and my new husband- who does not, can not understand my constant state of shock and depression...etc. My deepest sorrow goes out to all of us- may God bless us all with some peace.

You can visit Griffins site @ https://griffin-schwartz.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[eriksmomforever]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this board and wish i wasn't. My son Erik was killed 3 months ago, on Feburary 16th, 2005. He was 16 years old, my only child. He was riding with another teenager, the driver who i now find out drove like a crazy person all the time, was going 93 mph, and lost control passing 2 cars and the passenger side of the car, where my son was sitting, seared off a 12 inch diameter tree, along with other trees, rolled and landed in a ditch. The driver, had a scratch on his face. My son, who later died in airflight on the way to the hostpital, was a bag of crushed bones.

My son and i were very close, i had him young at age 17, i'm now 34, and i think we were so close because i could relate to him so well, being so young when i had him, he was my everything. I never got to say goodbye to him. He was such a good kid. His funeral was unreal, so many people, everyone has been so great, honoring him with concerts, doing his life story in the paper etc..I however don't seem to be letting this register. I can look at his picture and go to his grave, and i know he is dead, heck i saw him at the hostpital laying lifeless on the table, but it's like my brain won't let me go any farther than that. I'm sure i'm still in shock, but i walk around some days and i feel like i never even had him. I feel like i haven't seen him in 10 years, things are already fading, like his mannerisms and such. Why is that?

My main question is, why don't i feel him with me? We were so close, but i do not feel his presence at all, i feel like there is no connection with him whatsoever and it's really upsetting. Is it because it's so fresh, is it because in reality i'm probably not ready for that?

I'm glad i found this board, i need it, i need people that are not family to talk too. I don't care what anyone says, unless this has happened to you.......you don't understand what i'm going through, i wish people would stop telling me the do. Thanks for listening. Mandy

[eriksmomforever]

Forgot to add, Erik's birthday was May 9th, he would have been 17, day after mothers day. School was done this last Thursday, he would be a senior now. His friends are always over at the house, which helps a lot. Erik's best friend is like another son to me, he lost his other best friend 4 years ago as well. It's amazing what the human soul must go through sometimes. Mandy

[kirksdad]

Eriksmomforever, I am so sorry for your loss. It just isn't understandable as to why our children had to be the ones to give up their lives. We had so many dreans and hopes for them that just don't go away, ever. The love we had for them and they for us only seems to grow and all the memories and the feeling of Erik being close will come. For some it comes early for others late, I can't answer why. I know that now after so much time I know that Kirk is in my heart, but I haven't had what I would consider a sign from him in a long time. Maybe there is a reason, but whatever it is it will be a while before we find out. You are probably right in thinking that you might not be ready, it took us a couple of months before we starting having the little signs that he was close to us. Others had better signs than we had. I know that I have only even dreamed of him a few times and at those times he was a little boy. I don't know what the scheme of things has planned, but I know there is more out there for us. In time we will know what that is, until then we just love them and remember them and keep them in our's and other's thoughts. I am glad to see his friends are still able to help out, that means so much.

[Artina]

Eriksmomforever,

I am truly sorry for your loss. Your son was taken from you way too soon. I'm sure you are in shock and that shock may last a while. The most important thing to realize is that your shock is unique to you and may last as long as, or not as long as, somebody elses shock. Grief is different for everybody. Nobody who cares should push you out of your comfort level.

My son visited me a couple of times; once in a dream and once by turning my bedroom light on in the middle of the night. That was a very clear "hello" from him. I had read a book about a sister who turned a flashlight on in the middle of the night to confirm to her brother that she was still around. That night I thought about that story prior to turning my light out and then dismissed the whole request. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to a light on- I jumped up out of bed so fast that I started yelling at my husband, who had no idea what I was talking about. I was and am forever grateful for that visit. This visit took about a year and a half to happen. I do get quite a few hello's though. My son's sport number was "42" and I use that number to identify my son saying hello. We see that number everywhere, but in the most inconvienent places. We know it's him.

My only living child/son just started driving and I am scared. I lost my oldest son three years and five months ago- he was just 19. I agree with you, your connection with the other side is real and nobody has the right to impose their views on you. The power of the Universe is bigger than I could have ever understood, this became clear to me the day I lost my son.

Before I had my first child (preparent) I though I knew what it was going to be like to be a parent. Being a parent was so much more than what I thought it would be, but nobody could have ever told me that (preparent). I thought I knew. You just can't know until you've experienced it. Every person that tells me "how" to grieve, who has not lost a child, is nothing more than a bag of hot air. This is how it has to be, for me to survive.

Peace to you, Tina

[tylersmom]

Ericksmomforever,

I am truly sorry for your loss.Your loss is similar to mine.My son was a passenger with a 15 year old boy who was going between 91-97mph.The driver walked without injury and my son Tyler who was 17 and another friend were killed.It definitely isn't right or fair.My son died 11/24/04 the grief still at times overwhelms me.It is a little easier but things like graduation and holidays are hard.My son should be here getting ready to start his senior year in high school.Life sometimes seems like a dream llike it isn't real and soon we will wake up and we will have our life back and everything will be back to normal.The hard part is that this is our new normal and it is not right.We try desperately to hang onto them cause as parents we were never to let them go.The other difficult part of our loss is the legal aspect.The driver has been charged and we are not by choice(the state is pressing charges against the driver) involved in a legal battle that only deepens the grief.I often wish to see him or just get a glimpse of him just to say goodbye and I love yoou one more time.

[joshsmom]

To Everyone who has posted here in the last few days......I can't begin to tell you all how when I read each post, there are so many things in each person's words that I can so relate to!!!

We have had signs from Josh too, since this tragic thing happened! Sometimes I think that I haven't accepted his death either. I don't think my mind will let me really go there!

We find pennies in very significant places at significant times....plus there have been other things that have happened to comfirm to us that he is still around us. This helps me alot when I miss him so desperately! But then I think, how in the world do I handle the fact that he will never again be in our lives the way he was before? How can I make myself be OK with that? He was only 16 years old! His older brother Eric, misses him too! My husband and I and Eric are all hurting so badly for him! We just want him back and our family back the way it was before!

We made decisions to move from Milwaukee to this small town when Josh was 9 years old, and Eric was 12. We thought it was the best thing for them to get them away from what might be coming for them as they got older, gangs and the like, in the "big city".....now I find myself wondering, what if we wouldn't have moved? Would this still have happened to Josh?

I just want him back to much! I try to tell myself that he is safe now, that he wont ever be hurt again, but I also feel like I didn't protect him enough, I wish I could go back in time and change that whole weekend!!

I haven't touched his room! It's exactly like it was....the clothes I washed and folded and put on his chair that morning, before the knock on the door came, they're still sitting there! I don't know If I will ever be able to change it! We talk about moving too, it's just me and Josh's Dad now, since Eric moved out on his own a few months ago, but I don't really want to leave this house! Josh is everywhere, but he is here more than anywhere else!

I just pray that all of us get some comfort and peace from the pain we all feel! It never seems to go away, but I guess we have no choice! I never thought I would get this far, and it's only just been a year!

I just want to say, "Thanks for listening and being here"!

Josh's Mom 4-Ever!!!

[titoyginasmom]

Jim, Wanda, Tina, Griffinsmom, Mandy...everyone. Wow! Seems we are all hitting rough spots at nearly the same time. Odd how this happens don't you think? I have just started to "feel" my Gina again. I hear her laughter sometimes when no one is home but me, or I'll find one of her shirts in the laundry when I KNOW I packed them all up. Tito was a bit sooner. As a tiny baby he would cry everytime a mobile for babies was played...so my father suggested I get him some wind chimes. They worked, and started a life long facination with him. I now have wind chimes at the site of the car wreck, in my yard, even in my bathroom. Funny thing is that even when there is no wind..I hear them singing. The kids' graduation was beautiful and awful at the same time. All were nice to me, but I could FEEL the pity. That was the hardest for me to take. My husband has been drinking waaaay too much since the kids' car wreck October 1, 2004. At the same time he is refusing to deal with things like the first prom without them, the graduation, even the guys who were my son's Army buddies calling regularly to check on me. It seems in boot camp the boys all made a pact...that should anyone not ever get home, the others would "adopt" that family as their own. I have also had some troubles dealing with my nephew. I had him come stay with me for a while. The boy (age 20) refused to work even around my yard, stole from me, and even tried to molest my remaining daughter who is not only his first cousin...but 16 years old. Believe it or not the police did NOTHING! I threw him out earning my sister's anger and hatred.

Some days I wake up wishing there was SOME way this would all just be a nightmare. Other days I wake knowing it is real. But at all times I miss the sound, smell, and touch of my two angels: Tito and Gina

Hopefully as we all vent we are healing or at least helping others. I know I have pretty much isolated myself recently. I am sorry for that.

God Bless each of you. Please know I think of you all often....

Kathie....TitoyGinasMom

[eriksmomforever]

Hi again everyone. Thank you so much for all your responses, i'm so glad i found this site, it's already so helpful to me to have people that know what i'm going through! Although friends and family try to help, i find myself getting very irritated by all the phone calls lately, i'm not sure what that is all about, but the majority of the time, i wish it would stop ringing and they would leave me alone.

It's so hard dealing with the legal end of things, and the lawyers call about the settlement we are supposed to be getting and i just HATE talking about it! No money in the world is going to matter to me, i could care a less and i get so irritable dealing with the legal end of all of this. The driver has a ton of court dates coming up as well, i plan on being at everyone, considering he is showing little remorse, by still driving like a maniac.

Now that i listen to all of you about signs, i guess i am getting a pretty big one from Erik. Erik and i had this "thing" with his alarm clock, he would always set it for way earlier than he was getting up so he would hit the snooze like 8 times and the whole house got to listen to it every morning. I asked him one day why he does that, and he said so he is sure he gets up, and i laughed and said well WE are all up, that's for sure! It was just a funny thing that went on with him, he never did change it. Anyway, a few weeks after he died and i started going through things in his room, the alarm went off one morning at 5:51 and i about wet the bed! We ran upstairs and the alarm button was turned off, and the alarm setting was for 6:50. That happened again a few nights later, and that time the alarm setting was set for 7:11 which is his birth weight. No one had touched the clock. Nothing has happend with this clock since, until a week ago. I was teasing my fiance that he didn't know my favorite color and we were going to be married! Just joking around ya know, anyway, i came upstairs that same night, and the whole room was glowing blue, (blue is my fav color) and the indigo light on his clock, which you have to push to make it glow was stuck on. I said outloud "God, if this is Erik's way of communicating to me, let him continue" and all night it blinked on and off, blue, to dark, blue to dark, by next morning it stopped and hasn't done it since. I know it's Erik! He is trying to tell me he will still annoying mom through the clock! I'll take anything i can get at this point!

One more thing, my friend gave me a silver box that was engraved with "Erik's pennies from heaven" to keep all the pennies we find. I laughed because Erik was SO bad with his money, if he had any, he had to spend it, and i told her, Erik will probably drop down dimes or something to me, he won't waste his time with pennies. Wouldn't you know, we fine dimes, rarely a penny!

I miss him so bad, it's sad the only way i can take care of him, is by cleaning off his grave and weeding it and making sure it looks nice.

I'm sorry to be getting to know some of you because of the circumstances you are here, but i'm grateful you are here, if that makes any sense. God bless you all! Mandy

[hannahrosesmom]

I haven’t posted in a while but read them fairly often. It’s been 8 months and 23 excruciatingly painful and lonely dayssince my Hannah died in a car accident. I’m still so numb with pain and shock. Every once in a while I have moments of acceptance but the rest of the time so incomprehendable. She was 16, my only daughter and my soul mate (I also have a 20 year old son). Lately the pain of her absence is becoming more and more unbearable. I can’t even think of a word that can adequately describe how alone and hurt I feel. I too was having issues with why I wasn’t getting any signs from her, actually almost hurting my feelings. Sounds stupid I know considering all the hurt that’s already going on. Although I believe in God, I have a real problem with organized religion. As my kids grew up we had many discussions about that subject and felt it best to let them draw their own conclusions. Since Hannah passed I have been making myself crazier as to where she’s at, is she ok, is she happy, is there anything??? During a Compassionate Friends meeting, we were discussing grief books and 1 that was highly recommended is Hello from Heaven. I read it immediately and although it allayed some of my fears, it made me more frantic for something more concrete to know she’s ok. One night I had a dream where I thought I saw her, but the dream was so nonsensical I deemed it a desperate mind game, making me that much more insane. I went to visit her at the cemetery as I often do, and told her she’d literally have to hit me over the head with something so I’d believe it was an actual communication from her. A couple days later while attempting to clean my room, something shiny caught my eye beneath a dust rhino by my bed-sorry, housework just isn’t on my list of priorities anymore, there on my floor was a gold cross pendant! I do not and have never in my life owned one and there is no other explanation for it to be there other than Hannah “hitting me over the head.” I burst into tears to know that she was ok and in a good place, but sadly, at the same time, did little to ease my grief.

Last week I was at the high school for a memorial tree planting for her and was knocked for a loop when the girl who was driving the car the night Hannah died, decided she should be there. I was horribly upset and unable to say anything that I wanted to say at the memorial. I thought maybe this girl would be considerate of my feelings but obviously I was wrong. Felt like my heart was ripped out all over again. I also received Hannah’s yearbook and waited until the weekend to look at it. I knew I wanted privacy for that, it contains a whole page dedicated to her and wanted to take my time reading what her friends and teachers wrote knowing the tears would flow in mass quantities. All the messages were so sweet and heartfelt, imagine how I felt whenI saw that this girl had also signed Hannah’s yearbook! I was so enraged, sick, heartbroken and in utter shock to read that she “still” couldn’t believe that Hannah was gone!!! How could she not believe it” She chose to turn the car in front of oncoming traffic without any regard for my daughters’ lif because she thought she could make it. I have been in such a state ever since, constantly crying, what little sleep I was getting has returned to tossing and turning, my stomach is in such knots I feel I’m going to be sick all the time, and the ache in my heart has grown heavier still. Now, in a few days, Hannah would be leaving for her class trip to Austria creating a whole slew of trauma for me. These past two weeks have been filled with so much pain and agony. I honestly don’t know how we are supposed to live with this. Thankfully, Thursday is my Compassionate Friends meeting which also happens to be the day that Hannah would be leaving on her trip. I don’t know how I’d get through this nightmare without the wonderful friends I’ve made there. Must’ve been Hannah that made sure they both fell on the same day to help her poor mom. I’m sorry I’ve written so much and used so much space. Just an incredible amount of pain to get off my chest…hope it made sense…….

[titoyginasmom]

HannahRosesMom,

I found myself very troubled as I read your post. First let me remind you we are ALL here for you should you need us. As for me..my email address is KJLyttlbyt@aol.com please feel free to write me. All of you may. My only request is that you put either Beyond Indigo in the subject line or your BI screenname so I don't just delete it. Fair enough?

Now what I think bothered me the most was the deep trauma you are feeling right now. See, we recently were able to prove that my son's car had been hit by an 18 wheeler, throwing him into oncoming traffic. However, since we proved it nothing has happened except for the driver being fired. When I think of it I feel a dreadful deep sadness. Not rage or anger anymore. In the last eight months, and six days...somewhere along the way I lost the rage. I had a very vivid dream of my two children, the two other kids in my son's car, and the man who died with them that day. Anyway in the dream all five begged me to help their families, and myself by letting go of the hate. My son asked me (in the dream) if I hated God, if not then please trust that all will work out for His best plan. Strangley the more I have thought about it I see that Tito was right. It makes no more sense to me to be angry at the driver, than it would for me to be mad at God. Here is an example of what I mean: Are we mad with God because the sky is blue; because the grass is green; or even because He has a plan we cant make sense of? Of course not. That would be silly right? So I have to trust that the very worst thing that driver can suffer is the knowledge deep in his soul that HE ALONE was responsible for the lives of a father of two; a 15 year old, two 17 year olds and an Army soldier willing to fight for his country. No matter how mad I am at his rotten driving, his employer's for allowing him to drive...none of it would bring those five back. Do I still miss them? Hell yes! Every second of every day of every month they are gone. Now I just try to learn how to forgive myself first, my daughter for running late that morning second, and finally the driver of that 18 wheeler for hitting my son's car. I honestly believe that will be a lifelong thing though. So far I am not even close to being that strong.

I hope some of this has made some sort of sense. If not, do what I do so much lately...say "I am grieving why should I try to wrap my brain around something that doesn't fit anymore than my child(ren)'s death(s)." Besides the funny looks you'll get from people, it serves as a reminder to those that would bother you that you are NOT "over it" and will NEVER be. They tend to leave you alone after that. **ha ha ha**\

God Bless you all..

Kathie~~~Tito y Gina's Mom

[cindy121]

Jim,

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers for Kirk's 22nd Birthday. I am not posting on the boards as much these days but still read a couple times a week. Hugs to All, Cindy D

[kirksdad]

Cindy, it is good to hear from you. I have been gone the past week harvesting.

This has been a very hard year being the 5th, Kirk should be 22 and it has been very hard. I don't know why it has hit me so hard this year, but it has and I am guessing it is just going to keep doing that.

[Artina]

Cindy121,

It is nice to hear from you... I hope you are well.

Tina

[tdubslilsis14]

My daughter is Kristin Rice and she was killed in a car accident on November 13th 2004. She died at the scene and we never got to her to tell her we loved her, never got the chance to tell her how much we wanted her to stay with us, how much we needed her. She was told these things many, many times over when she was with us. She was so loved and such a beautiful, kind, athletic and compassionate young lady, she just sparkled. At 5' 4" tall she was a slender blonde beauty well known for her fabulous hugs and beaming smile. She was able to fill a room with sunshine with that gorgous smile. She had a heart as big as all outdoors and loved children and animals. We would go camping everytime our schedules permit and she loved it. She worked and she was a competetive swimmer all thru High School.

She died in an auto accident in which the driver was traveling too fast, the front seat passenger pulled on his arm and control of the vehicle was lost. Alchohol was also involved. Her side of the car smashed into a steam roller and her beautiful body was what took the force of the steam roller. She was then thrown out the back window of the car as it split into two peices. My beautiful daughter, all of 16 years old was killed. She was dead in the gravel at the side of the road. People drove on by as she lay there, later covered by a sheet. We had no idea, no chance to get to her. The accident happened 250 miles away. I miss her so much, she was everything to us. She left her dad, her brother, to whom she was the world, and me. she was my everything. Our world will NEVER be the same. We never got to hold her again, feel her in our arms, I ache for her presence in our lives again. There are no words to describe the emptyness in our home now. We were preparing for her to go to college, and prepare for her future and have empty nest syndrome. Not shattered nest. I miss her more and more with every passing day. Her birthday was Dec. 13th so we endured her 17th birthday without her only a month after she was killed, then Thanksgiving, her brother's birthday, Christimas, New Years, Valentines Day, Mother's Day.....Prom, Senior Pictures, Graduation of her friends, weddings of family and friends....her graduation would have been in 2006. She now has a Scholarship that bares her name. Such a sad Memorial to such a beautiful, compassionate, loving, baby girl.

I her her so much, I love her more...

My brother was in the same accident that killed both Kristin and my brother Travis. I love u Mrs. Rice!!! Stay strong...I know we r all trying so hard, especially me. Good luck at all the upcoming forums!

[griffinsmom]

Just to let you know- its been almost 6 months, and I miss my Griffin more every frickin day. This just dosen't go away- it's work to try to develop a different kind of a relationship with your child. All the "festivities" have passed- as time does- the world goes on without my son, as though it dosen't matter. Griffins lifelong friend left for college- as I said, life goes on, as it should- just not in my heart. Sorry to all for your losses- I'd say I need help-but there really is none to be found. The only thing that seems to help a bit are TCF meetings. My son is Griffin Schwartz and he was killed in a car accident- he died at thae scene and I never got to tell him I love him, never got a chance to tell him how much I wanted him to stay, how much I need him.....Geez, how many times are we reading the same thing? Mediums help- any communication helps. Good luck to us all.

[joshsmom]

I just wanted to write to both of you, Griffin's Mom and Kristin's Mom! My son, Josh was 16 when he died on May 31, 2004, and I am feeling his loss very much right now also! I thought last year was unbearable, and now it seems that as time passes, like you said, I just feel his loss that much more!

He should be out having fun with his friends and his older brother. He should be sharing with his brother, the fact that he has moved out on his own, and Josh should be here sharing that with him! His Dad and I also have had to deal with the "shattered nest" since Eric moved out and Josh is no longer here! Who knew that we would be dealing with these feelings so soon!!!

My kids are my whole life! I do daycare out of our home, and I felt that if I was here, I could hold onto them closer and have a better relationship with them, if they knew they could come to me anytime, that I was always here for them, and even after all of that, we had to have this tradgedy happen to our family!

It hurts me to see families who don't even know the wherabouts of their kids for days at a time, and don't even seem to care! I see kids out fending for themselves on a daily basis, because their parents' priorities are so messed up, but nothing ever happens to them. Their lives just keep right on going, and they never seem to have a care in the world to deal with!!!

I have to deal with the fact that our family is forever going to be different! Josh was our youngest and we loved him with everything in our hearts! He was so special and caring. He had so many friends!!! Why are the best always taken???

A medium was mentioned and I have thought many times of contacting someone, but it seems like the reputable ones are so expensive! Has anyone had any luck with contacting a medium, I would really like to talk to someone like that! I have so many unanswered questions, and I would just like to have someone link me with Josh again!!

We're all having such similar bad times lately! I pray that we get some comfort soon, even if it only lasts a short time!

All I can say is that I am very grateful for this site! No one else can ever understand what this feels like, except others that are feeling it too!

Love and hugs to everyone!!

Josh's Mom/forever!!!

[8lscanfly]

Joshsmom,

Yes, I have been in contact with a medium. My son just died in February of this year on the operating table, and I needed to know if she could help. I took my son into the ER because he was complaining of leg pain and he just didn't look good. Well, he never made it out of surgery for his compartment syndrome. She was very good. At least I thought so. She would not allow us to tell her anything about the situation. She described the entire day up to and through the operation. The conversation in the car(which was just him and I), the room that he was brought to after he passed, etc. It was difficult hearing everything that actually happened and not just what the hospital was telling us, but it did provide me with some comfort. She does ask God to assist her in her readings, which I much appreciated. She actually provided us with a tape of the session to listen to at a later time.

My mother and sister went on a separate occasion to the same lady. And they too thought that she really touched on things that noone else would know.

If you would like to have her web site, just e-mail me at dean_martin_8@hotmail.com

I hope this is of some assistance.

Diane

[eriksmomforever]

I'm so glad i found this site, it's so helpful to talk to people that are going through the same thing. Again, my name is Mandy, my son Erik died Feb 16th, 2005 in a car accident, he died in air flight, on route to the hospital, i too never got to tell him goodbye. People that have lost their children keep telling me the 2nd year is even harder because the first year you are in shock and denial. I can't see this ever getting better to be honest. I dread the upcoming holidays, Christmas was Erik's favorite time of year, i feel like i don't even want to celebrate it, i just want to run away and pretend it's not happening.

The boy driving the car is known for driving like a maniac, well, i find this out after the accident of course, and i'm sick of seeing his face around town. He seemed to have remorse at first, now we have heard from several people that he is again driving like a crazy person. His court date can't come soon enough for me.

Is it normal for me to be mad at my son sometimes? He was my only child and i told him over and over, do NOT get in the car with people that drive like maniacs, you are all i have, in fact i told him that again a week before he was killed. Other kids said that the driver did that everyday, drove really fast, passed people etc..why did Erik ride with him?? I cannot believe that he got in the car with him, witnessed this kids behavior everyday and just kept on doing it. I want to scream at him sometimes, and then at myself for not knowing this kid was driving like he was. Erik had such a good head on his shoulders in every other aspect of his life, he was such a good kid, i guess he just figured nothing was going to happen to HIM.

The mood swings are what is getting hard to deal with. One minute i'm "ok" the next crying, the next i want to punch something, then back to ok, then i get really irritable and wish everyone would just leave me alone. It's enough to make you crazy. Also, is anyone else extremly tired? I just drag my butt around all day, i could sleep for days it doesn't seem to matter. Thanks for all your help.

Mandy

[griffinsmom]

I too have many mood swings- ok one minute, unconsolable the next. I, tool had several conversations with Griffin regarding driving with friends and not driving with anyone who had been drinking. We talked about speeding, and unfamiliar places- he asked me if I thought he was stupid because I kept reminding him. He said he didn't want to die.....Our kids just do stupid things sometimes- and so have we....I can't count the stupid things I did as an invincible kid- guess I was just "lucky"? I am extremely tired- Im 45 and have a 7 mo old daughter...Griffin met her and was here for her first 2 months. I have one of his photos in one of her toys- when I showed it to her, she scrambled over and gave him a kiss. Maybe she can see him. Im going to get anti-depressants tomorrow. I could stay in bed all day. I don't go out- I don't do anything that isn't necessary- even that I would skip if there was no husband or child involved. As far as mediums go- its better than a therapist. Anyone can email me if you want- I live in SE Florida, so I tend to visit locally- but have a few numbers from elsewhere. For everyone here- lots of luck on this journey- I cant wait till the end of the road so I can see my Griffin again- and save a space for my Gianna-Ill try to enjoy the time inbetween and recognize how blessed I have been by having Gianna in my life. Antidepressants should help. ya think?

[titoyginasmom]

The last few days have been just awful for me. I think I mentioned before that I wound up having to throw my 20 yr old nephew out of my home. Well, until he left I didn't discover that he had stolen about $200 from me. That made me $200 short on my mortgage and now they want to evict me. To top that off my daughter is now "in my face" over the troubles she and her boyfriend are having with his folks. Even better the state has now decided I have to remove parts, and move the rest of the roadside markers where the children died. I am out of money, out of patience, and wonder why I keep trying. Last night I called the suicide prevention line...they (no KIDDING) put me on hold!! All I seem to be able to think about is the 9mm auto in my bedroom. How easy it would be, how fast, how painless to eat that bullet. I am so scared! My husband has threatened to walk out, my daughter thinks I am a b*&ch and said she hates me, all I really have left is my youngest son. Great mother I am! I can't even be sure he'll have a place to live next week.

[titoyginasmom]

I can say for sure that anti-depressants do NOT halp. I have been on them since October.

I too have many mood swings- ok one minute, unconsolable the next. I, tool had several conversations with Griffin regarding driving with friends and not driving with anyone who had been drinking. We talked about speeding, and unfamiliar places- he asked me if I thought he was stupid because I kept reminding him. He said he didn't want to die.....Our kids just do stupid things sometimes- and so have we....I can't count the stupid things I did as an invincible kid- guess I was just "lucky"? I am extremely tired- Im 45 and have a 7 mo old daughter...Griffin met her and was here for her first 2 months. I have one of his photos in one of her toys- when I showed it to her, she scrambled over and gave him a kiss. Maybe she can see him. Im going to get anti-depressants tomorrow. I could stay in bed all day. I don't go out- I don't do anything that isn't necessary- even that I would skip if there was no husband or child involved. As far as mediums go- its better than a therapist. Anyone can email me if you want- I live in SE Florida, so I tend to visit locally- but have a few numbers from elsewhere. For everyone here- lots of luck on this journey- I cant wait till the end of the road so I can see my Griffin again- and save a space for my Gianna-Ill try to enjoy the time inbetween and recognize how blessed I have been by having Gianna in my life. Antidepressants should help. ya think?

[eriksmomforever]

No matter how hard some of our days get, you have to remember, our loved ones that passed on would not want us to even think about doing something stupid to ourselves because we can't deal with life. There are days i just want to curl up and die, i swear i feel Erik's eyes peering down on me telling me to knock it off! He pulls me up and makes me go on.

I got his medical report today, now i know exactly what they did to him in the hospital. I bawled....ecpecially when along with it came the read out of the heart monitor.....flatlined. It said he tried pulling the breathing tube out and was trying to talk, but it he wasn't making any sense. I want to die when i hear that.....i pray he was not aware enough of what was happening to him, to be thinking about me, or wanting his mom, or knowing he was dying. I want to throw up right now.

[Artina]

TitoYGinasmom,

You need to get that 9mm out of your home... it's too easy to grab in a moment of hopelessness. Please, please take it to a friend and tell them that you need them to keep it for a while. I know you hurt and feel all alone... I know that you feel like there is no hope. I know that you want out... but fight it...take the little steps to assure that you won't be able to take you own life. I too thought about that- several times in the first couple of years. I am here to tell you that I am so glad that I didn't. I see things differently now. I don't know how to explain it, but life does have meaning again. Tomorrow could be better! You never know. Hang on... we need you here. We need you to survive too. As parents who have lost children, we need each other to make IT on this journey.

If you need to talk, please e-mail me at uwaygc@atnet.net

Peace to you- Tina

[Artina]

Eriksmomforever,

I know exactly what you mean. My son only had two riding experiences on a snowmobile and was going too fast (40mph)the day he collided into a tree. From what we understand (we have never been to the site) he hit a lip, that was under the snow, which launched his snowmobile into the air right into a tree. I too am wishing that he would have heard my voice that day (the way that I always worried and told him to be careful). He wasn't being crazy- he just didn't think about what his worry-wort-mom would have thought about. It's so hard.

I am sorry that your son lost his life that day. We have all made some decisions in our life that, looking back, we were lucky to have survived.

Please know that we care- Tina

Chris 09/30/82 ~ 01/04/02

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

Antidepressants can help take the edge off- do what works for you. I am glad that you have your daughter and husband to keep you going... it would be hard to do this without a purpose. Each day counts. I agree with you- the right Medium can make a world of difference.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Tito&Ginasmom, I know that it seems desperate, but I agree with Tina, get the gun out of the house. I know that you have had terrible things happen since the loss of your children, but nothing can be gained by the feelings you are having right now. Those problems mean nothing when it comes to what you have already lost with Tito and Gina. You need to seek out someone that you can talk to. A priest,a minister, a friend, forget the telephone, maybe even the internet and find a person that you can face. A hospital might have the name of an organization that might have a person that would be available just to talk to face to face. There are groups out there that would help without cost. There are a lot of ways one can deal with this even when all seems so hopeless. Life is worth the effort, you know, we all know that our children would want us to be happy, no matter what. Find someone to talk to, maybe your youngest child would help you do this. If anything email me and I will even call you and talk to you, a friendly voice might be helpful about now.

[cindy121]

Titosginasmom,

I remember feeling exactly like you, I could have easily eaten the bullet. I knew in my head it would be wrong to do that to my family, but my heart said "go". I could have easily on any impulsive moment ended it all. I wrote a letter to my husband with all the pros and cons of suicide. The biggest "con" at the time was that I didn't think my life insurance would cover my death if by suicide, I was also afraid God would punish me to eternity without my son. I have dealt with financial difficulty since my son was killed and family problems gallore, including my oldest daughter being diagnosed with cancer, my next oldest having a complete breakdown and me having to care for her son (a toddler) our 2 youngest daughters have had to endure alot also. It was all too much to bear on a day to day basis, and is still (4 1/2 yrs later) quite difficult for sure. Imagine if you do try and are unsuccessful but left forever disabled but cognitively aware, the pain would still be there but you would have no way to express it. Grieving for the loss of 1 child is difficult enough but you have the double burden of 2. This is great despair and you need someone to talk to and cry with. I went through 3 counselors the first year and a half, they are NOT all created equal, but the right one is out there for you somewhere. You could call your doctor if you need help starting out to find one. I take 2 antidepressants and an antianxiety, I could not do this without them, I have tried several and finally found the right combination for me. They are not "happy pills" but they do take some of the sting out and help me to focus, eventually the sky does get a blue again. DO you have a friend or family memeber (or a credit counseling agency) could take over managing your bills for a while until you can get back on your feet.

Please let us know how you are doing. Hugs, CindyD

[cindy121]

For any parent here experiencing depression please read the beyond indigo article Jim and I wrote about depression after the death of a child, It is located under the main article section of copy and paste this link

http://www.trimblefuneralhomes.com/griefcenter/article.php/artID/200488

[titoyginasmom]

Thank you all for the support you have shown me. Obviously I am still alive. Last night I sent my 16 year old to stay with my sister for a while, leaving me only with my 13 year old at home. My best friend's husband has come to the decision that my family and our "issues" have nothing to do with "his" family therefore he is limiting my contact to her. My husband locked all the guns in the gun cabinet, so that helps some. The bad part of asking my sister for any help is that now my whole family knows. I am getting mixed reactions from them. Funny part is I don't really care what they think! I can barely concentrate long enough to fold a load of laundry..so why should their opinions matter? I am trying with all I have to keep going if only for the sake of my remaining son. He at least seems to care one way or the other about me. I have begged God to help me find a solution to this mess. Not sure what else to say...just that I am still here.

[Artina]

Titoyginasmom,

Good... I am so glad that you have taken the steps to insure your safety. Everybody will get over themselves soon enough, so don't worry about them. You have to take care of youself... and in time you will be able to take the next step.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Titoyginasmom, sometimes we just have to force family into coming to terms with the emotional basket case we become. You have been through way too much to have them pull away from you and you are right in forcing the issue with them and not worrying about what they think. If you can't count on family to make the right decisions than you just have to point out to them where they are failing. Sometimes that is what they need. I just can't imagine, after what you have gone through, they can't find it in their hearts to be compassionate and understanding. You friend's husband sounds like a complete jerk and if she doesn't have the backbone to stand up to him then too bad. I am glad your husband is helping, and all I can say is grab onto that son of yours and hold on to him and his love for dear life. If he wants to help then let him comfort you. He sounds like a great kid.

[titoyginasmom]

I wanted to make sure to post this morning to remind all fathers...Happy Father's Day! Somehow I just know our children are up there with Him having a huge celebration. For indeed they are with THE Father.

Krirksdad....thank you for the caring you have shown. I had a little better day yesterday, and hope to today. I am back to "babysteps" it seems, but that is ok. I will make it again to where I can hold my head up. The members of this site are true friends. Thank you all, and God Bless.

Kathie

[danielsmom]

Hi I am new to this site.My son Daniel died in a car accident on April 17th 2005, he was nineteen years old.He died instantly,we never got to say good bye to him. I wish that I would have been there to hold him and to tell him that I love him. Daniel was the best son you could ever ask for,he was so full of life and fun.I still can't believe that he is really gone,I still expect to see him walk through the door all the time.His sister Melissa is getting married in September,we know that this is what he would have wanted,but it won't be the same without him there.We are inviting a lot of his friends to the wedding,so that the wedding will also be a celebration of his life.He was always telling us that he was going to wear a white suit to the wedding and we know he will be there in his white suit. I miss him so much and I feel so lost without him,he was my best friend,we used to have such good talks. Thanks for listening

Wendy