Loss of a Teenager

[tanmanmymagicman]

whats the odds of people staying married after losing a child.  My husband still goes to work everyday, but last night he came home ang left and then did not come home all night I tried to call him and he did not answer so I tried to call him at work today and when he didn't answer I thought to myself enough of this, as this was not the first time he has done this to mep; I deserve better than this worry as we know I have alot of other sadness to deal with so I may be out looking for an appartment this weekend yea.  I am almost excited. 

He is certainly entitiled to his grief but not when I don't know where he is or if he is at a bar and drinking.  I just can't take his extreme sadness and no he won't talk to anyone big ego man.

It would be great to start over on my own financially I don't know how but if there is a will there is a way and then maybe someday my husband will get help in the meantime I can't take the disrespect I hate to lose someone else but I hated to be walked all over too. my best to you all

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Know where you are .....  so sorry this goes on world wide. Brilliant stroke to copy the entries and their context.   The legal reps for Emerg Services here downloaded heaps from here and Mikes Virtual Memorial site.  Both you might have noticed are on US time.....Which when you look at the time stamps it seems to reflect I post 24/7 especially in the wee small hours.

Like you said - no idea! 

Whether you post or not...you know in your heart not only is Anthony with you each step of the way....but your extended BI support network (worldwide) is behind you.

Strength to you....you have come along way......They can't take what you have away from you........I know they tried with me and they lost big time.......

Thinking of you - Trudi

[christina]

here is a poem that is a favourite of mine.

WITHOUT ME

When tomorrow starts without me,

And I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry

The way you did today,

While thinking of the many things,

We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,

As much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me,

I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,

Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name,

And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,

In heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind

All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,

A tear fell from my eye

For all my life, I'd always thought,

I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,

So much left yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible,

That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,

The good ones and the sad,

I thought of all the love we shared,

And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,

Just even for a while,

I'd say good-bye and kiss you

And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,

That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories,

Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,

I might miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did,

My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,

I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me,

From His great golden throne,

He said,

"This is eternity, And all I have promised you."

Today your life on earth is past,

But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,

But today will always last,

And since each day's the same way

There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,

So trusting and so true.

Though there were times

You did some things

You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven

And now at last you're free.

So won't you come and take my hand

And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I'm right here, in your heart.

David M. Romano ©

 

[iansmom]

Christina, This is a poem that I have on my sons virtual memorial, although the person that sent it to me had a different title, instead of ‘Without Me’ it was titled by it’s first line, ‘When Tomorrow Starts Without Me’ This poem sounds so much like my son, I can’t read it without tears racing down my face.

I know what ya’ll mean about their scent. My daughter-in-law had always picked on me because when I hug my kids I always would sniff their neck. I couldn’t help it, I love them so much that even the smell of their sweat was important. I know, sounds gross, but it’s not really. One of the silly things Ian would do was when he’d be out playing one of many sports he enjoyed, he’d come straight to me and hug me dripping with sweat and laughing the whole time. Of course I’d act disgusted, but how I’d love for him to do that again. I’ve kept his cloths and from time to time I’ll pull something out and press it to my face to get that fragrance once again. Certain songs will cause automatic tears, maybe one day I can scroll through Ian’s virtual memorial and not break down. Until then, it’s still day by day. You can see pictures of Ian, and I have one page with a couple of the newspaper articles of the accident which for almost 2 years made front page news in two area papers, and found out that it made the paper in Colorado where some friends had moved. It was a high profile incident here. http://Ian-Allen-James-Brasseaux@virtual-memorial.com Page 2 has the poem, it's my favorite too.

[DawnFisher]

I'm sure that the author, Patti Fillon, would not mind - just make sure that you use her name as the author.  It would be a beautiful tribute in the paper.  We use this poem on our guestbook pages.

Take care,

Dawn

[katant]

Trudi  (BIG HUGSSSS)

 

my friend

[4everjoeysmom]

Kat--you can count on me to stay in touch by e-mail.  Love ya!!  ~Claudia

Zac's Mom, ugh!  I am so with you on wishing things wouldn't have had to be cleaned up so fast in Joey's room.  He was temporarily at his dad's for the summer, and was due to head back to college just the day after he died.  His dad couldn't face going through everything, so I did it.  I couldn't take much with me, so I gave a lot away, donated stuff, and burned what would mean nothing to nayone else but Joey and perhaps me.  I have a few things stored in plastic, and they are holding a tiny bit of scent--but nothing true to the whole essence of Joey.  I am sad for that.  Often I take out his "things" and hold them, dream of him here...  It's so sad.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for Cindy and Christina-your losses as well.  I'm glad you all are posting here on BI.  It's been a lifesaver for many of us.....

Dawn, I too loved the poem, and I also would like to use it in some way to honor Joey's memory on July 31st, his 2-year date, followed closely by his birth date, August 7th.  He would have been 26 this year. 

[iansmom]

Hey Claudia, July 31st... I'll be praying for ya'll as we approach that date, It surprised me how hard it was to see this next year to come around. It is also the birthday of Ian’s best friend that died in the accident too. Hope all is going well for ya'll.

Katant, I'm so sorry that you're still being drug through so much mess. I know how hard it is to put on that face of being strong when in all actuality behind closed doors we're like a hurt child. You're strong where you need to be, and praise God that you can find that place to release emotions so you can make room to recharge and put those who invade in their place, take them down a few notches. My prayers are with you.

Hi Trudi, thanks for the compliment. I know I don't post much but I'm here. I read, and cry with ya'll. I hope everything is getting better for you there, as much as you'd like.

I invited someone to come take a look here, they lost a 16yr. old that was riding bikes and hit by a car. They're hurting really bad, like the rest of us here.

Iansmom, Faith

[tanmanmymagicman]

All I can say is you are so unselfish to share your grief with others I know it helps you too but I can't tell you how happy I am to be part of your site.

I will write more I just don't seem to have the patience to sit in one place for too long I am so anxious all the time.

I am needing to go through pictures to update my son's mem site and I am at a standstill.

I'm not sure who wrote it but marriage like two ships passing each day mine is worse sometimes my husband does not come home at all and will not answer my calls I think he is at the cementary or maybe a bar he will not tell me.  I am ready to leave him as I am having a hard enough time with my grief and he REALLY gets me down.  Lack of respect on his part as he has done this several times and the next day he thinks eveything if OK.......................................................................I don't think my marriage will survive.  But thanks so much for this site and I will be on it alot and maybe even try to contribute instead of feeling sorry for myself. 

again you can see a picture on my son at mem. com until I learn how to post his picture here.  Tanner Joseph Houk November 28, 1990 to August 7, 2007.

[iansmom]

What a handsome young man. You're doing a great job, I can see the love all over in the memorial. You have a beautiful family, I hope and pray things work out for the best for ya'll. I know it's hard, there's nothing easy about this.

Ian'smom, Faith

Go to the 'My Account' button, once in there go to 'Avator', in there you can browse and download a pic.

[4everjoeysmom]

It's been really quiet on this thread...  but I just wanted precious friends here to know you are always close at heart and in thoughts and prayers.  Hugs, Claudia

 

[kirksdad]

It has been quite some time since I have posted.  I come to read every now and then, but it has been hard to get back into the conversation, sorry everyone.  Kirk's 8th memorial date was yesterday and as usual it was hard.  I have really thrown myself into my work over the last couple of years and it has been very hard to post, I thought that I would at least let everyone know what is happening.  I know there are parents out there that really helped me during all that time after Kirk's death when I just didn't know what to do and need so much to talk about it with other.  Beyond Indigo was really a life saver.

Anyway, the field where Kirk was killed that night is now our new church, it really is beautiful.

Our daughter was married on July 19th to a wonderful young man with a little boy who is a cute as a bug and just full of love.  He reminds me of Kirk, he is a little blond with a lot of energy.

Our daughter's wedding was the 4th big production I seem to put on this year, her mother and I were her wedding planners.  I did the "Sound of Music" in the fall, a program of Carol Burnett Skits in the winter, a middle school play called the Jellybean Conspiracy about Down's Syndrome in the spring and then our daughters wedding this summer.  That was on top of Science Olympiad, the concession stand and our Outdoor Wildlife Learning Site.  I am looking forward to relaxing this year in school, just teaching, because I have dropped all my theatre work, my back, and my mental stability just couldn't take it anymore.

I do come back and read every now and then, and as we all do, have such mixed feeling about all the people posting because to be here means the worse thing in the world has taken place.  Like I said it is a fantastic place to find comfort, but no one wants to be here.

Eight years seems like a lot of time, but it also seems like a moment.  I still felt all the feeling, just a little more mutted than the years before. 

Anyway, I do miss being here and hopefully with my abbreviated work schedule I might be able to post a little.  Kirksdad

[4everjoeysmom]

Kirksdad, I for one do hope to see you post more when you have time and energy.  I have found great comfort and inspiration by your past posts.  I know 8 years seems like a long time yet a moment.  But for us that are far behing you in this journey, you are a symbol of survival beyond what we can comprehend in this moment.

Congratulations on the completion of your big year, especially your daughter's marriage and your grandson.  ~Claudia (joey's mom)

[kirksdad]

Claudia, thanks for the response.  It has been pretty hectic this past couple of years, but the last couple of weeks have been pretty draining.  I was extactic for my daughter and my new son in law and step grandson, but not having Kirk around was pretty hard. 

When the memorial candle was lit we had one of my students sing "To Where You Are" by Josh Grobin and the family and friends were really moved.  We tried to make Kirk's presence apparent, but did it without a picture of him, we knew that no one could handle it.  We wanted the wedding to be about our daughter and not Kirk, but knew there was no getting around it.

There are some picture of Teryn and Neil at www.denasorensen.com/blog/  about half way down the page, it really was fun.  Jim

[mikesmum]

Jim - What a beautiful couple, and an amazing group shot!  I have been here since April 07 and while many comment that its been 20 months since my son left, for me its a heart beat.

It is heartening to hear that life continues, challenges are meet and there are still joyous happenings ahead for us all.......if we let just open our eyes and begin to breath.....one day......

BI definitely wrapped me in a warm blanket of understanding and goes on each day to light the way on this otherwise isolated journey.

May the 'teaching' be the quiet space you need to replenish your strengths after what seems to have been one hectic time....

Take Care - Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Jim, The photos are beautiful, as is your daughter.  Was the church in the photos the one that was built on Kirk's site?  Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate day in the life of your family.  Precious and amazing!

I know what you mean about not being able to get around the whole knowledge that Kirk's physical presence was missing from such an extraordinary event.  I dread that part of when my son Patrick gets married--likely next year.  Like you, I want Patrick to be the focus, not the cloud of "missing".  I never imagined these would be my challenges in life...

Anyway, glad you're back, and I hope you are able to relax a bit now that the activities and responsibilities are diminishing to a level less stressful.  Bless you!  ~Claudia

[kirksdad]

Trudi, it is amazing how life continues, although hard and completely different.  We have had our ups and downs, but for the most part life has been kind to us after Kirk's death.  Everyone was and still is good about it and most of our friends and collegues aren't afraid to talk about it every now and then, so for the most part things are good.

Claudia, we are Catholic, that was the Lutheran Church.  We couldn't have the wedding at the Catholic Church be cause of the divorce issue and we weren't going through an annulment.  We had already had one in the family and it was kind of ugly.  Thank God for free will.  It was disappointing because we had a stained glass window put in felt a little hurt when we found out, it was where Kirk died.  I am guessing it was good to have the wedding else where so the ceremony wasn't about Kirk's death.   The Lutheran Church is beautiful and it isn't like I haven't worshiped at it, so we felt at home and the Church helpers were absolutely fantastic.

[4everjoeysmom]

Jim, Yes!  I too am thankful that we have Free Will and ability to resolve our past indiscretions with God personally and directly, and that your family could choose to have the wedding in the Lutheran church.  Fronm the photos, it looked like an absolutely beautiful event.  I love the formality of the black and white dress of the wedding party.  Just beautiful!  Thanks again for sharing.

 

[kirksdad]

Claudia, today is Joey's birthday and I know how bitter sweet it all is.  Hope today went well.  Jim

[4everjoeysmom]

Jim, Thank you so much!  I ended up having a very fun day.  I wrote about it on the loss of adult child thread just a moment ago.  I did what Joey would have wanted.  I had fun in honor of his day--and it was so totally unexpected.  I think that's the best way.  There were no expectations.  No plans.  Just good fun.  Thanks for thinking of Joey today, and me.  I can't help being sad for the obvious reasons.  But I am now contently pooped, and I think I will sleep well tonight--thankfully. 

[phemp1]

I am writing this because I would like some in-put on how to help my very good friend. She lost her 16yr. old son in an accident on 6-2-08. He was the passenger and the driver was ejected but lived. Her son was wearing his seatbelt. I hurt for her so much:(. Our boys have grown up together since kindergarten. I don't know what to say to her when we are together. I don't know if I should just make small talk or bring up Evan and talk about him. When I have brought up her son she will start crying and  then I feel I just send her back steps because she tries to hide behind small talk. She won't show her pain in front of no-one. I see her slipping into a severe deppression but if you say anything about talking to someone then she won't talk to you and say yea maybe I need to. She has said if know one is around she just curls up into a fetal position and wants to shut out the world. What can I do or say to help her thru this. I know it will never go away and I know time will make it easier to cope with life. But please help guide me thru this process and then maybe I will know what to do and say to her. Thanks for any help and gudence.:?

[christina]

Hi Phemp1,

After just 6 months, your friend will be still in deep, deep pain and grief over the loss of her son. It does not matter that you make her cry when you talk about him - she needs to cry as it is part of the healing process. Cry with her, comfort her when she cries, she just needs support and someone to pour her heart out to.

Please don't think that she should be getting better by now, it takes a long long time. Many people are left alone at these times because their friends do not know what to say or do - so they say nothing at all. It is wonderful that you can see that your friend needs help. Maybe she does need counselling but probably she just needs some one to listen to her story, over and over again, because that is what helps ease the pain.

Stay close to her and you will grow with her through this experience

Christina

[iansmom]

I agree with Christina, she needs to have someone she can feel comfortable with, to talk about her son, cry, laugh and cry, remember the good times, what ever she needs to spill. It's been 2 years and 5 months and I will still have times when all I do is cry. My friends and family were the ones that felt uncomfortable when I would start to say something. I'd start to get a little emotional and they would literally start backing off. When I would see the anguish on their faces I would shut down so I had no-one to talk to, and I still hear my friends say stuff like "I've never lost anyone so I don't know what to say" I'm so tired of hearing that I could scream. The important thing is someone being there to listen like Christina said, to things over and over and over again. Remembering things about my son are very important to me. I've collected letters, pictures and memorabilia. One of my sisters that saw what I was doing found a golf ball that her grandson picked up at our home (before the accident) with the school emblem and brought it to me wrapped up like a special gift. I cried with joy and carefully placed it in the memorial cabinet we put together with all Ian’s trophies, medals, special letters, special stuff. Sounds kinda dumb but I’ve laminated many many things that Ian either wrote, or drawings, doodlings, school stuff, and cards received and I don’t much care what anybody thinks about it, it’s not about them or their feelings. Your friend needs someone who cares about her son and the memory of him as much as she does. When she cries, remember, it's not you causing the pain, the pain is already there but crying is part of the healing process, but the caring companionship of someone that can BE THERE in the worst of times as well as the best is vitally important. Hope this helps, we’ve all been through it here.

Iansmom, Faith

[iansmom]

I accidentally hit the button twice so I decided to put this newspaper clipping of Ian and his friends around 13 years old, out on a fishing excursion after school. That's Ian standing on back.

Iansmom, Faith

[kirksdad]

Phemp1, be a good friend and listen.  We are going into our 9th year since Kirk's death.  We went to one of his friends wedding tonight.  The bride and groom grew up with him.  They dedicated a song to Kirk and danced with my wife and I and had all his friends, which there were many. it was to a song the kids loved, it was so sweet.  We all cried and laughed and remembered him.  Everyone that has lost a child wants that child remembered, sometimes it is hard for others to do that.  Over the years we have never felt badly when someone is willing to mention his name or talk to us about him.  Your friend needs that outlet and crying is only a way to vent.  She will need your support the rest of her life, for as long as your friendship lasts.  We were lucky to have those types of friends and honestly they have been a gift from God.

[4everjoeysmom]

Phemp1, I totally agree.  Your friend needs a TRUE friend, and for however long she lives.  You are right in saying that time will help to soften the sharpness of the pain she feels today.  After only two months, she is still in shock and is plagued with countless questions, haunted by the what-if's, wondering what she could have done differently, and even feeling like maybe she will wake from this horrible nightmare to find it is a lie.  She has an incredibly hard journey through this first year, and longer.  She will experience so many stages and emotions in ways that will make her feel like she is losing her mind and her self.  Everything is so fresh, and she may not be ready to talk to anyone openly, because then sets in a painful reality that the shock she is experiencing in the moment is protecting her from.  Her pace in recovery and healing is unknown.  But she will slowly open up in time and let you in IF you are patient and unreserved with her.  For now just let her know you care so much, and that you will always be there for her, even when it feels like no one is.  You cannot ever force her to open up and let you be her confidant.  But if she feels "safe" with you, then time will work its course.  Pray for her a lot, and comfort her in non-verbal ways as well.  Your actions will speak volumes.  Perhaps make her a memory quilt, with verses, poems, screened photos of her son, and such...   A friend of mine made me a prayer shawl.  I love it.  I wrap in it a lot and even sleep with it over me.  It reminds me that there are people who love me and care for my hurt.  Don't forget special days, like birthdays and so on.  Make a cake or give balloon or flower bouquets.  Plan when she is ready for a long walk in a park or at a lake--so that she can express herself openly.  Buy her some books.  You can find lots of recommendations here at BI by asking.  In just about any idea you may have, you can ask and get amazing advice from folks here.  Even write down this web site URL and give it to your friend.  She may explore on her own...when she is ready.  For now she may just need to "BE".  Respect that and let her not feel weird about wanting to curl up in the fetal position.  I did that too, as did so many here.  I went through a deep depression for a year and a half.  It's common.  Ask her if she is able to sleep.  Offer to sit with her (in silence if that's all she wants) during one or an occasional late night.  If you see her light on, take her a cup of cocoa and a box of tissues.  I'm sure that in time, if your heart truly desires to journey with her, doors will open for you.  But be clear that there is a difference in journeying with her and wanting to fix her so that she will act more "ok" in the eyes of everyone else.  This is usually the case with folks that are uncomfortable around someone else's loss.  It is NOT contagious, and your friend will never, ever be who she was before.  Accept her for who she will need to be, and then she will know you really mean what you say when you call her friend.  She will learn in time to smile and laugh again, but it will be a long time, because there are stages of grief that will keep her from feeling right about feeling anything but sorrow and mourning.  Just offer to be there for the journey...   it really is the best you could do for her...as her FRIEND.

Hope that helps.  Please ask tons of questions as you desire.  We are all here to try and help those that begin this path after us.  You are a great friend for wanting to help...  Bless you!  ~Joey's Mom, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Trish,

Thinking of you, today, the one year date of your precious Justin leaving this world and entering his eternal life.  My prayers and thoughts are with you today, and always...  I miss seeing your post...

Love, Claudia

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

You gave very good advice to the gal seeking help for her friend;

You can tell you have been through it!!!! How long has it been since you lost your son????

I am feeling like I am going crazy today and resorted to a Xanax; its was l year August 7, 2008;

My son was 16 and the driver and he nor his friend were wearing a seat belt; lost control of small truck overturned and both got throw out; my son was dead on the scene and the other boy died 4 hrs later after being airlifted to Fresno;

I was so out of it I did not even know or remember that his friend was with him and thought they both died at the scene;  I space out when I think about it;  I feel so bad for the other family; I only got to meet the dad but got to express my condolences and heartache;

Your right we will never be the same person we were;  How are you today?

I tried to post a picture of Tanner but in came in small and upside down; just like my life right now.  Can you tell I am feeling sorry for myself? Bless you.

Are you having good days, where you don't wonder ; how tall would my son of grown too; what would he look like in 1 year etc?????

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Tanner's Mom,

I am SO VERY SORRY for the pain that has surrounded you in the loss of your son, Tanner--a beautiful name.  I'm glad you wrote, and I thank you for the kind things you said about my sharing.  It was 2 years ago on July 31st that Joey died.  He would have been 26 this year, on August 7th--a day that is now equally difficult for you.  I post here on the Teen forum too, because I have made so many friends here.  And frankly, in loss and grieving, when someone offers to be a real friend, it is genuine...  and so I accept that friendship and cherish it.

I also am sorry for the loss of the other boy to his family.  It's so hard...

I remember just passing the one year mark.  I was still mounri ng and grieving very, very deeply, and I think the idea of moving beyond a one year time mark made me realize that this is real, that Joey is not going to walk in the door, or call me anymore.  During the first year I was able to say "last year at this time you were doing ----, last year you were here."  Then it becomes "two years ago..."  And for me now it is "three years ago..."  Time passing without our babies here just brings sorrow to our selves, a lonliness and a longing for them, and it hurts so indescribably badly.  Don't feel bad for having had to take a Xanax yesterday, and maybe today.  If you are overcome with panick attack waves, it will help.  But please be careful to only take it when you feel like you'll just die without it.  You WILL sirvive this, and you WILL become stronger for the journey.  I know it sounds cliche, but the pain does dull just a bit as we march through time, even though time also brings sorrow...  It brings some healing as well.  Healing doesn't equal forgetting.  It just means that we can think of our precious sons and perhaps smile again when we go.  I don;t know about you, but I can dig pretty deep and remember some pretty outrageously silly things Joey did, that today I can even laugh out loud.  A year ago I never imagined I would laugh out loud at anything, let alone when I thought of Joey.  But I can and I do.  But just a couplf of weeks ago, a couple of days before July 31st, I too had a couple of days when Xanax was in order.  I am still struggling with pain, but the waves are shorter now, and not as devastating.  They are more like moments now or maybe a day, rather than the horrendous series of days and weeks they used to be.  And so, YES, I am having good days now.  But in those good days, I still do wonder what Joey would be like today.  I think about special dates that would have been, like college graduation, marriage, grandchildren, etc...   And I miss him terribly.  Joey was "noisy" in my life.  He liked attention, and he commanded it in his own way.  He laughed a lot, and he sometimes was a real buster too.  I have another son, Patrick.  But Patrick is mellow-spirited.  SO, I truly miss the noise Joey made in my life.  Each child brings something unique, and while I cherish the uniqueness of Patrick, I will always miss Joey's uniqueness in the mix of my life.

I struggled through a lot of fear, like forgetting small details about Joey.  I began to journal things I remembered about him, as I began to remember again.  I think in the first year or so, our protection mechanism internally is a wall that builds up around us.  If we remember too much too soon, we tumble into an abyss that is difficult to climb out of.  I am finding in time that my memory is returning, slowly but surely, and with it also some warmth and smiles, and as I said before occasional laughter.  I think that will come gain for you.  Have hope for that, my new friend...

I've shared a lot through my journey, here with others, about methods that have and have not helped me through my grief--like image replacement.  When the images of the moment my son died and how would take over my mind, I would force myself to replace that image in my mind with a different thought.  That thought became a permanent tool for those moments of depsir that would sneak in and try to destroy me.  In time, as I began to recognize those horrible thougghts, I would more quickly think of the replacement image.  It took a lot of patience to not give up and allow those bad thoughts to take over.  But practice, practice, practice helped...with time.

I read a lot of books...online resources, anything I could get my hands on.  I prayed a lot, and I allowed my faith in God to help walk me through my grief by studying what God says (biblically) about pain & suffering, death from this life, and the Hope for eternal life.  That helped me tremendously.  I even started a faith-based thread here on BI, which in time has seen many others join those discussions as well.  And I've found myself more open through my journey, to recognize the pain in others, and to feel the deep desire to want to reach out and help anytime I can.

There are lots of things we can do to help ourselves through the grief journey.  Connecting with others here has been very, very helpful to me.  But don't be discouraged if you are experiencing a flux of super-down days.  There is a direction of forward that will find you, even if one step up sometimes means two steps back at others.  I always reminded myself that the only way to go from a loss this tragic is "through it" if I want to get to the other side and find the healing journey.  We can't get around it, or under it, or especially we can't get over it.  But we can make it through it....  and there will be "up days" more frequently as we pass through...

I hope to see you post more, and to join in with a community of friends here that care so much about what you are going through, because we are all going through it too...  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  And again, I am so deeply saddened for your loss.

ABout the picture--  go to the My Account tab at the top right of the BI forum screen.  When you get to My Account, select your Avatar tab.  When that opens up you can download a picture you have of Tanner from any file on your computet or a removable disk drive, and that photo will then show up with every post (your Avatar).  You can also post pictures (under 500kb or under 1/2 megabyte) by choosing the browse tab at the bottom of your text box and downloading from your PC or removable disk.  If you have problems, ask again, and we'll walk through it step by step.  I would LOVE to see a photo of your Tanner.  And I will LOVE getting to know him more through getting to know you better.  Love & HUGS, Claudia

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Wow Claudia, its like you read my mind; Some days I let the accident almost consume my whole day; I think about what his last moments must of been like and I can hardly stand it I honestly get sick to my stomache and my head starts throbing on the each side so I will definently follow your advice and try it;

Yes I loved the named Tanner and it was the perfect name for my son;  How can a boy named Tanner die?

I will read your letter again; I was so excited to see it I read it really fast and thought gee, she is a helpful caring person who knows what she is talking about;

I will write more later; and I will try to work on my son's picture; School is starting tomorrow and he would of be a Senior this year.  I am actually doing pretty good today.

How about sleep; did you sleep?  I hate sleeping pills they depress me more the next day I think and makes my mouth dry;

Also what about your son's toothbrush?  I know its a silly question but my son's bathroom is just like he left it the day he died ; dirty clothes and all;  I have not been brave enough to go in and do anything; his room is pretty much cleaned up; bed made all his clothes folded and still hanging in the closet or his shelf;

Thanks so very much! your friend Cindy; Tanner's mom forever;

[4everjoeysmom]

Cindy, I only know what I'm talking about and what you are going through because i have been there too.  I am there!  I'm just a little bit further along in the journey.  But our ultimate reality is the same...

About sleep, I took half doses of sleep aids for about a month.  No.  I wasn't sleeping well at all.  I have a hard time anyway with turning off my thoughts at the end of the day, when I am ready for bed.  So I do a lot more bedtime reading now, and I find that as I get involved in what i am reading, my mind clears of all else, and my eyes get tired after a bit and I can fall asleep.  This too will take some time.  You have so much to get used to...  a changed home and life.  Take the sleep aids if you nee dthem, but maybe cut your dose to half a pill and see if it works to keep you from being so sleepy the next day.  get into bed earlier too, if you can, and maybe pick up a good book to read.  Elizabeth Edwards' Saving Graces was pretty good.  I'll look at my booklist and recommend some for you if you think that will be helpful.

My advice about Tanner's things is to not do anything until you feel up to it.  Don't force yourself.  If you want to clean up the bathroom, maybe put his things in a box for now and in his room, so you can go through it later.  I didn't keep Joey's toothbrush, but I use his bath towels as mine now, and I used his toothpaste slowly over time to savor it.  I still have some of his floss and am using that slowly too.  I kept what was useful and added what I could to my daily routine--like the towels and his silverware.  Joey had his own apartment as he was in college, and I helped him pick out all his new things.  So using those things now remind me of happier times with him...  I remember shopping with him like it was yesterday.  Joey loved to shop...

I don't know how or why it is that any of our Tanners and Joeys have to leave this life before we do.  It's a mystery that I'm afraid I will never fully understand.  But I do know that we can learn to live again.  It's different, and filled with sadness and pain, but also some good things that come along in time....   I think back and remember feeling like nothing will ever be good again.  I'm glad that wasn't true.  I am learning that Joey is still a huge part of me and my daily life, work, cobversations and such, even though he is not here.  That tells me that life goes on for him and for me.  Love stays alive!!  I will see him again some day.  I'm sure of that!

Rest well tonight.  I am thinking of you and praying for you.  HUGS, Claudia

 

[katant]

Hi all,

I missed you and needed to say hi.  I'm doing okay.  20 months has just come and gone and my sister found some pictures of halloween about 3 years ago and again it's like seeing my buddy again.

My puppy is doing great, he is awesome and he brings a smile to my face.  I have been very busy, school, work, speaking, and getting money raised for the MADD walk that was in Boston, October 4th, but has been moved to April 25th, 2009.

Just gives me more time to raise money.

Also I am posting the MADD regarding the colleges trying to lower the drinking age.

Don't think they would even try and think about it if there own child was hurt or killed.  Write to them...help me...help us.

Claudia, miss you.

kat

 

[katant]

Call on College Presidents to Support the 21 Minimum Legal Drinking Age‏

From:

MADD Online (policy@madd.org)

Dear K,

An estimated 25,000 lives have been saved by the 21 Minimum Legal Drinking Age (MLDA), which is why we were gravely concerned to learn that the college and university presidents and representatives listed below have added their names to a misguided initiative aimed at attacking the minimum drinking age of 21. 

We are not alone in our concern. The public strongly disagrees with efforts to lower the drinking age. According to a new survey released by Nationwide Insurance this week:

• 78 percent of adults support 21 as the minimum drinking age
  
• 72 percent of adults think lowering the drinking age would make alcohol more accessible to kids 
  
• Nearly half believe it would increase binge drinking among teens
  
• More than half say they are less likely to vote for a state representative who supports lowering the legal limit or send their children to colleges or universities with “party school” reputations

Contact the college and university presidents who have signed on to this initiative and request they remove their signatures and support the 21 Minimum Legal Drinking Age.

We must work together to find a responsible solution to the underage drinking problem, one that does not jeopardize a law that has saved nearly 25,000 lives since going into effect.  Solutions include: enforcing the drinking age, tightening alcohol policy, working within the college community to ensure the environment supports the above and working with parents to talk to their children well before peer pressure begins, around fourth grade.

We need your help to fight this effort to lower the drinking age. Please consider a contribution to MADD.  Please help us spread the word about this issue - forward this alert on to family and friends.  Together we can make a difference!

President

College

State

President Vincent Maniaci

American International College

MA

President Jerry M. Greiner

Arcadia University

PA

President Ronald Slepitza

Avila University

MO

President Elizabeth Coleman

Bennington College

VT

President Scott D. Miller

Bethany College

WV

President Bobby Fong

Butler University

IN

President David Wolk

Castleton State College

VT

President Mark J. Tierno

Cazenovia College

NY

President Carmen Twillie Ambar

Cedar Crest College

PA

President Esther L. Barazzone

Chatham University

PA

President John Bassett

Clark University

MA

President Anthony G. Collins

Clarkson University

NY

President James R. Phifer

Coe College

IA

President Rebecca S. Chopp

Colgate University

NY

President Robert Hoover

College of Idaho

ID

President Mary Pat Seurkamp

College of Notre Dame of Maryland

MD

President Frank Miglorie

College of St. Joseph

VT

President Richard Celeste

Colorado College

CO

Dennison Griffith

Columbus College of Art & Design

OH

President James E. Wright

Dartmouth College

NH

President G. T. Smith

Davis & Elkins College

WV

President William G. Durden

Dickinson College

PA

President Robert Weisbuch

Drew University

NJ

President Richard Brodhead

Duke University

NC

President Joseph R. Fink

Dominican University of California

CA

President Donald R. Eastman III

Eckerd College

FL

President Theodore Long

Elizabethtown College 

PA

President Thomas Meier

Elmira College

NY

President Richard E. Wylie

Endicott College

MA

President Jeffrey von Arx

Fairfield University

CT

President Kendall A. Blanchard

Georgia Southwestern State University

GA

President Janet Morgan Riggs

Gettysburg College

PA

President Sanford J. Ungar

Goucher College

MD

President Jack Ohle

Gustavus Adolphus College

MN

President Joan Hinde Stewart

Hamilton College

NY

President Walter M. Bortz

Hampden-Sydney College

VA

President Ralph J. Hexter

Hampshire College

MA

President Susan DeWine

Hanover College

IN

President Nancy O. Gray

Hollins University

VA

President Richard B. Gilman

Holy Cross College (IN)

IN

President John J. Bowen

Johnson & Wales University

RI

President William Brody

Johns Hopkins University

MD

President Barbara Murphy

Johnson State College

VT

Chancellor Leon Richards

Kapiolani Community College

HI

President S. Georgia Nugent

Kenyon College

OH

President Daniel H. Weiss

Lafayette College

PA

President Stephen D. Schutt

Lake Forest College

IL

President Thomas J. Hochstettler

Lewis & Clark College

OR

President Carol A. Moore

Lyndon State College

VT

President Leonard Tyler

Maine Maritime Academy

ME

President Thomas J. Scanlan, F.S.C.

Manhattan College

NY

President Richard Berman

Manhattanville College

NY

President Tim Foster

Mesa State College

CO

President Ronald Liebowitz

Middlebury College

VT

President Frances Lucas

Millsaps College

MS

President Mary Ellen Jukoski

Mitchell College

CT

President Christopher Thomforde

Moravian College

PA

President Robert Michael Franklin Jr.

Morehouse College

GA

President Joanne V. Creighton

Mount Holyoke College

MA

President Peyton R. Helm

Muhlenberg College

PA

President Randy Dunn

Murray State University

KY

President Thomas B. Coburn

Naropa University 

CO

President Fran Voigt

New England Culinary Institute

VT

President Debra Townsley

Nichols College

MA 

President Robert A. Skotheim

Occidental College

CA

President Lawrence Schall

Oglethorpe University

GA

President E. Gordon Gee

Ohio State University

OH

President Loren J. Anderson

Pacific Lutheran University

WA

President Phil Creighton

Pacific University

OR

President John Mills

Paul Smith's College

NY

President David W. Oxtoby

Pomona College

CA

President Robert A. Gervasi

Quincy University

IL

President Robert R. Lindgren

Randolph-Macon College

VA

President William E. Troutt

Rhodes College

TN

President David C. Joyce

Ripon College

WI

President Gregory G. Dell'Omo

Robert Morris University

PA

President Charles R. Middleton

Roosevelt University

IL

President Pamela Trotman Reid

Saint Joseph College (CT)

CT

President Timothy R. Lannon

Saint Joseph's University (PA)

PA

President Arthur F. Kirk

Saint Leo University

FL

President Patricia Maguire Meservey

Salem State College

MA

President JoAnne Boyle

Seton Hill University

PA

Vice Chancellor Joel L. Cunningham

Sewanee: University of the South

TN

President Carol T. Christ

Smith College

MA

President Paul LeBlanc

Southern New Hampshire University

NH

President Beverly Daniel Tatum

Spelman College

GA

President Robert E. Ritschel

Spoon River College

IL

President Daniel F. Sullivan

St. Lawrence University

NY

President Harold J. Raveche

Stevens Institute of Technology

NJ

President Elisabeth S. Muhlenfeld

Sweet Briar College

VA

Chancellor Nancy Cantor

Syracuse University

NY

President J. Patrick O’Brien

Texas A & M University-West Texas

TX

President Robert Caret

Towson University

MD

President James F. Jones, Jr.

Trinity College

CT

President John M. Stamm

Trinity Lutheran College

WA

President Lawrence S. Bacow

Tufts University

MA

President Walter Harrison

University of Hartford

CT

President Jennifer Hunter-Cevera

University of Maryland-Biotechnology Institute

MD

President C.D. Mote Jr.

University of Maryland--College Park

MD

President Jack M. Wilson

University of Massachusetts System

MA

President Steven H. Kaplan

University of New Haven

CT

President Louis Agnese Jr.

University of the Incarnate Word

TX

Chancellor William E. Kirwan

University System of Maryland

MD

President Geoffrey Shields

Vermont Law School

VT

Chancellor Robert Clarke

Vermont State Colleges

VT

President Ty Handy

Vermont Technical College

VT

President Tori Haring-Smith

Washington and Jefferson College

PA

President Kenneth P. Ruscio

Washington and Lee University

VA

President L. Baird Tipson

Washington College

MD

President Michael Bassis

Westminster College

UT

President Sharon D. Herzberger

Whittier College

CA

President James T. Harris

Widener University

PA

President M. Lee Pelton

Willamette University

OR

President Lorna Duphiney Edmundson

Wilson College

PA

[4everjoeysmom]

Kathy, I miss you too.  I'll send you e-mail.  I read in the news a couple of days ago about the colleges puching to lower the drinking age.  They clearly have not thought this through.  It's more than the social aspects.  They aren't even considering that there will be more students missing classes, more lower grades (from all the extra partying and hangovers), more accidents, more deaths, more campus dorm parties, more taxes spent on police beefing up campus presence because if these parties, more violence, and the list just goes on and on and on....   I know, because when i was 15 the drinking age was 18 and I was getting into bars with a friend's ID.  It was crazy, so many really young people getting access to booze and bars.  They think they have trouble now...  They are crazy to even consider it.  I know many argue that if Uncle Sam can take 'em at 18, blah, blah, blah.  But as far as I'm concerned, kids under 21 shouldn't be sent to war in foreign lands either.  They have enough of a war zone to battle in their own homeland with peer pressure.  I used to work for a beer distribuor many years ago, and they were always pushing for campus activity, even though they knew it would tempt the underage crowd, thus all the commercials aqnd hype for waiting until 21--yeah, right!  Who are they kidding?!  It's just all about the sales numbers to them and whose beer will be most popular on the campuses.  It's ridiculous!

Anyway, I'll e-mail you to catch up the happenings.  I want to see a picture of that cute puppy!! 

Love ya!  Claudia

[katant]

Claudia,

I second everything you just put down.  21 is an age that you still have not even figured out what your life is about yet.  I know watching some of my son's friends who are 16 and 18 or 21 it does not matter, they all hang out, someone buys them the booze, or drugs.  If they want it they get it.

We lost many young lives due to underage drinking, fake id's, going into clubs and bars and killing themselves driving home, drunk.  Or a terrible accident fooling around with their friends and they end up killing there best friend.

I pray to god they do not change the age.  I put this on the site and hopefully we can get a writing campaign going to the college dean's in your area, well not you claudia, () (do they have a college there).  Anyway, if you see the college in your state then write, call, email.....make them stop and think that WHAT IF they had lost their own child, I am sure they would not be supporting this crap.

Yes, Claudia, email me when you have the chance.  I miss you and I am doing okay. Sorry I missed Joey's birthday.  I hope your day was good, I did read your post and as with you, I will celebrate ant's birthday as well in a happy way.

Love and hugs

kat

[4everjoeysmom]

I just noticed your puppy's picture on your Avatar!  Did I miss that before?!  I think I'm losing my marbles...  well, it wouldn't be the first time I thought that, for sure.

Yeah, I already gave a look to see who in IL and NC are in the list.  They'll be hearing from me.

Catch-up soon...  Love and Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Just dropped by to say "Awwwwwwwwwwww" beautiful puppy.

As for the Drinking Age debate, here its 18yrs zero alcohol for driving, but like Claudia says, they want it they get it.

I wish you well with the colleges...people power, getting it out to the masses might just do the trick....Good Luck

Trudi

[iansmom]

For Intelegent people, these college deans aren't showing much smarts are they. Seems to me that all they can see is what's in their lil world.  I agree with what you said Trudie, if they want it they will get it, and even get away with it maybe even for a while. But why in the world would we want to make it easier. Why would we want to make it so that the law doesn't protect the ones that are trying to behave. Why would we put a loaded gun in the hand of the undeveloped mind. :? The kid that was driving drunk that took the life of my son was 19. UNDER AGE. When he made his purchase his friend at the register posted him as being 40 years old. He had purhased a couple 8 pks. of beer, and a fifth of TJ Samuels, came back and bought more beer, then drove 20 miles later to come back and purchase another fifth of TJ Samuels, and on the way back to his destination almost hit a tree then, scaring Blake pretty badly. After putting away that second fifth, eating a bit, then was not the driver when they left but being so very intoxicated forced his way behind the wheel, his girlfriend was driving so it was easy, threatened to kill them all because they protested so hard, and killed 3. Like I said, why would we want to put a loaded gun in the hands of an undeveloped mind........it's crazy.:X

 

Iansmom, Faith

[mikesmum]

Faith - so true, so true.  These young people, and I'm sure I was once young, believe they are invincible.   They can consume any amount of any liquour, drive fast, live to the limits and never die....even if someone close to them does, they seem to work with the new idea, it was them, it won't be me.....

The intellectuals, well here they came up with a solution for young drivers who seem to make up the most numbers in road deaths.  They extended the Learner period to two years with a licenced driver and changed the colours on the Probabtionary plates.  They are now a pretty green.  They limited the number of people you have in the car on P Plates.    They didn't upgrade driver training to include learn to handle your car,  drink driving and its tragic outcomes.....

My other half  did Drink Driving Education seminars a high schools for a number of years.  I joined him are an EMD teaching them what to do when calling for Emergency assistance.  The course began at year 10 when most are 15-16 getting their learners.  Listening to their stories of consumption, of their immortality shook me to the core. 

Seeing a 'true to life' crash site and speaking with people their own age affected by drivers who drove drunk gave many a reality check.    Legislators need their own reality check.  To ensure the education on driving, drinking and road toll is given and received is a being.  Being realistic when looking at lowering the drinking age and the impact that will have in so many other areas.

So many young people die and one thing that keeps coming up "if only'. 

Soap box going away now..........Take Care Trudi

 

[iansmom]

Ya'll, please pray that these hurricanes don't come our way. We're at the bottom of Louisiana, above the bay area in the middle of the arch. I don't feel like going through that, eew. Unless they declare that this area needs to evacuate we're not leaving but just in case we're preparing by getting our 5th wheel ready. I just really don't want to have to do it. It's expensive among everything else. Ya'll pray in agreement with me that the storm dies a quick death, and the one that looks like it wants to follow Gustav. For Katrina and Rita we were right in the middle of the two paths, caught the high winds, some water but our property sits high. Many were flooded out of their homes here and are just now getting back on tract. Please Please Please be believing with me that they will die.

Iansmom, Faith

[4everjoeysmom]

Faith, My household will be praying for you and yours.  Please let us know how you're doing via here or e-mail.  Love ya!  Claudia

P.s.  Here's a goofy picture to cheer you up.  :-)

[iansmom]

Thanks Claudia, Thursday they declared a state of emergency which means that the help will be right there when needed. (Finally a gov. that's on top of things) As of yesterday afternoon Iberia parish was under voluntary evacuation, advising people to get out ahead of the storm. The highways are jam packed with people leaving from Morgan City and low lying areas like Grand Isle and such. Then there are those like us making all the last minuet preparations in case we must leave, mandatory evacuation. Places like Pecan Island are below sea level and mandatory evacuation is imminent. We may be right on the gulf but we’re a little higher than these other places, we’re 8 to 10 feet above sea level but even in our area there is the below sea level problem areas. And it’s all good . . . That is until these storms come through.

A few years back we got the tailgate of a tropical storm and it was enough to put six feet of water in my parents house. My parents, my son, his wife, their 3 year old and a brand new baby were trapped up-stairs in that house for hours until my brother-in-law and I finally convinced a rescue team to go in there to get them. Yea, I stayed on the phone for hours while they were refusing to go rescue my family, I call my brother-in-law who is a juvenile officer to go out there and well. . . Craziness!

 

Iansmom, Faith

[iansmom]

Looks like a category 4 at this time, doesn't mean a thing. There's lots of time for change, we're hoping that it will drop dramatically if not die. From all news reports it's heading our way, but that too is subject to change. Gas is already hard to come by, we would be foolish to take off and not have access to gas, get stuck on the highway like many went through when Katrina and Rita hit around here. Friends of ours got stuck riding out the storm in their car on the highway due to the fact that gas stations kept running out. As soon as they would get it, they would sell it. Cars full of little kids, babies, families stuck on the highway as the storm passed through. Well, we're getting things as ready as we can. Just please keep the prayers coming. Die Gustav die, Hanna too, lol.

Ian'smom, Faith

[mikesmum]

Faith - Watching the Gustav news here and thinking of you. May you stay safe and my Gustav be no more than a puff of wind..........Take Care

[iansmom]

Good Morning all. It's still coming right at us. We'll be to the west of it praise God, but my friend will be to the east which is the bad side to be on. If ya'll see Lafayette La, on the map, that's us. My friend is in Baton Rouge. Looks like the storm has hit Houma with heavy rains, we're still just fine, all is well. I'm hoping that it's no more than like what you said Trudie, a puff of wind:shock:, lol. Iansmom, Faith

BTW, family has come to ride it out here in our home. My parents went to my brothers in Tx. and my oldest son has been working in Fort Worth the past month so his family went to meet him, all expenses paid by his company (that is so-oo-oo-oo kool) however, my youngest son has been very stubborn and is determined to stay in New Iberia where mandatory evacuation is in effect. He's helping his g-friend and her mom with elderly parents that are in wheelchairs, and homebound. I commend him for helping them but they could get help without putting our son at risk. He's 18 and has the typical attitude of that age, invincible.

[4everjoeysmom]

Faith, I'll keep y'all in prayer, especially your young "invincible one".  Try to hold onto knowing that he is in the hands of the Lord....    Thanks for the updates, and please keep us posted n how you are doing as you can.  Love, Claudia

[iansmom]

Thanks for the prayers ya'll. They worked. Gustav was a cat. 1 by the time the eye came over us. Like you said Trudie, a big puff of wind, lol. Although water tables were up here, it's not at all what it could have been with a cat.4. The eye never organized so that was a good thing too. Most deaths as far as I know were from huge trees falling into homes, what a shame, I think the other tragedy is that there were families that died because of ignorance, running their generators inside their homes.

My young invincible one did really well. He took care of that family during the storm. God works in mysterious and wonderful ways, through a puzzle God showed Samuel that he was exactly where he was supposed to be, or maybe he was showing me in this very unique way. But it was all good, My sister and her husband and two grown daughters (one married w/kids) went home yesterday, My parents came back to no electricity and stayed here the last 2 nights but going home today. We're going set up the generator at my other sisters house so she can go home with her daughter and kids. Samuel's home. And probably Shyra's friend Ashley will go home today too. Whew! But we had a blast. Everybody was comfortable. Oh yea. My brother from Dallas came in with the emergency recovery team. We don't get to see him very often so we put together a huge shrimp, sausage and chicken gumbo to feed him and four of his work friends that have traveled from all parts of the U. S. to be here. That was kool.

Anyway:P. all that to say ALL IS WELL AND THANKS FOR THE PRAYERS. THEY WORKED.

Iansmom, Faith

[daniellemom]

Faith,

That's great news, I'm so glad that the storm died down before hitting your area.

Sonya

[iansmom]

Here's a couple pic.s of the Gustav aftermath, thought ya'll would find interesting. I'm not really sure if this will work but. . .

Iansmom, Faith

[iansmom]

here's the other