I Miss Him So...

[missyouhoney811]

April - I enjoyed your articles and pictures. It is good to see the face to match with the postings on this site. Keep up your good work.

I don't think I could live in a state that has the high temperatures. I was just thinking about Vegas I go there on 8/5 - maybe I'll pack colorful togas and tongs to wear so I at least get a breeze and not confined to tight clothing LOL........

The board has been very quiet. Where is everyone?

God Bless,

Dorothy

[kathy51]

I want my life back....I am so angry that is was taken away from me so suddenly...Stan has been gone a year now..I have never been away from him this long..God help me and all of you..Kathy

[amberi]

Hi Everyone,

Well the fourth was very hard for me. I try not to due to much, when I was a junior in H.S. my then boyfriend and me got in a fight and he took off and killed a mother and two children. So that day has always been hard. But now with Alex gone and my children in Boston it was much harder. I caught myself going to bed at 8pm which is not like me.

April – it sounds so good to hear that u r getting past the anger I can’t wait to get there. At this point I no it’s pointless but I am angry and I no I will in time get over it. My kids come home next Tues and I can’t wait.

I miss Alex a lot right now, I don’t know what is triggering today but it has been difficult to be at work and contain my emotions, I keep having to run out to my car and gather myself. No matter how mad I am at him he was the one true love of my life, he was an amazing dad and husband who made a real bad decision that almost cost him his family and ended up costing his life. His family also gets mad at me if I talk about it, but the one thing I learned while he was in rehab is that they told me to be honest and not to enable him by acting like it was minor or didn’t exist. So I try to stay honest, my kids knew what he did and they know why he died cause when he was in rehab he told them everything honestly, and caringly he explained that it was his mistake and it had nothing to do with them. I try not to say angry things about it when they are around, maybe cause they are gone that is why I’m so darn emotional, all the angry and sadness coming out.

Hope everyone is doing well today.

I really (in a weird/not weird way) enjoy coming here.

Take care

Amber

[armaiti]

Hi, it's been hot here too - up in the high eighties and low nineties, though April will probably laugh at me for complaining about those temperatures!

I went out this morning and got my hair cut - it was down to my butt and now it's about mid-back, and I had it layered in pretty trendy style with long thick bangs. It looks great and feels great. Ishaq always loved my hair long and I know I'll never, ever cut it short, but it needed a trim for sure. I got to a salon that uses Aveda all natural products, and even the paints and the wood varnishes in the salon are non-toxic. A very cool place. I was a little nervous about going, because you know you end up chatting with the stylist, and I really didn't want to get into that "my partner passed away last year" story...but she never asked anything that led me there which was great. And I love my new haircut!

Amber - I'm sorry the 4th was hard for you. I know what you mean about enjoying coming here - I wish I didn't have to, that my beloved was still with me, but there is great support here that I can't really find anywhere else. No one else gets it - and some of the "helpful suggestions" make me want to scream!

Kathy - I know that feeling of wanting your life back. It's a tough one, for sure, I'm coming up on my one year annivesary in just a few weeks.

Try to stay cool everyone,

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna - I am so glad you are getting out and about.......New shoes, pants and now a trendy hair cut. Way to go. I find you feel good and special when you do something for yourself these days. At least that is the feeling I get. (I also like skechers)

We had a very nice storm here today. So I did nothing but watch old movies this afternoon. I love the rain and the wind. Going out everyday is really getting me tired but I guess it is good for me.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[rodless]

I agree... I want my life back!! Tomorrow will be one year. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

April - I read your article this morning, and I thought it was VERY good. You covered all the things we go through, and I really like that you gave alternative solutions for those that want to not go the doctor/therapy route.

A good friend recently told me that taking the homeopathic remedy Ignatia helps with grief. I'm going to pick some up to have on hand for those days that life feels overwhelming.

Today I'm going to ride my bike over to the Art & the Vinyard Celebration, listen to some music, do some wine tasting and look at the garden art. I remember how I could wander around and look at the garden displays for quite a bit while Ishaq would get bored and go back to hear the bands.

I went for a long walk last night, and felt pretty good about myself, for the first time in a while. Just a few days ago i was avoiding the mirror. What a difference a great haircut makes! I actually saw a couple of guys check me out on the bike path (and one woman too, though she may have just been checking out the hair!). Though I have no desire to have another relationship, it does make you feel good to feel like people are thinking you are attractive. I'm still doing the lower-carb thing, and feeling pretty healthy.

One thing I haven't done yet is swim in the river by our house. That was something Ishaq and I always went and did together and I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. But our temperatures are climbing so I may be encouraged by that- yesterday I turned the sprinkler on in the shade and stood in it then layed out in the backyard a bit. I've thought about getting one of those stand-alone pools, but the way raccoons have trashed my neighbors pond, I bet they'd send out pool party invitations to all the raccoons in the area, and rip it to shreds. Maybe I'll just stick with the sprinkler!

Stay cool everyone,

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Anna, I think the haircut sounds great. We still need to take care of ourselves even though sometimes it's pretty hard to care about appearance.

My interest in clothes is slowly coming back so I need to stop going to stores.(lol) I just made a decision and refinanced my house to do a new roof, gutters, siding etc. I want to stay in it and the work is overdue.

April, I also read your article. Very well done. You covered a lot of information and summed up everything.

What a mess this grief thing is. I just want it OVER but I know I still have bad times ahead even though they're not so close together anymore. Once in awhile I even get through a whole week in pretty good shape. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Mary Jo- cool on the house! I can't wait until my car is paid off so I can use that $400 a month for my house, which needs work too. it's fairly big and been neglegted for about a decade. (it was arental forever until we bought it bu haven't done much with it when DH died) I know I should get rid of the car but I am attached to it now (DH died in there after all) and also I don't have the greatest credit. it's a rav 4, thankfully I still like it as I will be driving it for awhile!

we had no life insurance when DH died save one very small policy. (ouch!)

btw I started a legal transcription course this week. I am really excited about it and fascinated with laws and things. I am such a non conformist thought it's almost hilarious I am liking it so much. who would have known? I seriously think I am going to go back to school to become a paralegal down the road.

aww and thanks on your input about the article. You all are too sweet.

I think everyone (who is comfortable with it) should post a picture of themselves!!!!!!!!! I know what Darlene looks like and maybe Angel but no one else!

oh and I have been thinking about something..maybe we could schedule a weekly chat somewhere, don't you think that would be cool? I have been involved with an unassisted birth community for many years and we do scheduled chats weekly, it's great! (just something to think about!) I can set it up if you are interested but we will need to decide on a day/time/etc!

[amberi]

Mary Jo, I send my prayers to for tomorrow I can only come here when Im at work so I wont be around, but, give yourself a big hug and know Im thinking of you. Today still is very hard. I didnt get to work until almost nine just couldnt sleep last night I was crying, then mad then crying It must have went on till around 4am.

N E Ways - I am trying to work on our house too, New gutters, rebuild the deck, and paint inside n out. Alex was in construction so these are hard for me this was stuff we did together and now (thankfully) some of his longtime friends have been coming over and helping me do it. I hope you all have a nice weekend.

Anna how do you get your hair to grow so long I have been growing mine out but I feel like everytime it grows three inches I have to cut them off cuz it looks so fried. Im glad the hair cut is making you feel good, I know its hard to do but we must do things that make us light up as much as we can.

Have a nice weekend all.

take care

Amber

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow too. You are in my heart and prayers.

Amber - my hair never grew until I went through menopause (early menopause runs in my family, but it was pretty easy for me, I used a lot of herbal tinctures to get through it). Then my hair just started growing like crazy! I color it about every two or three weeks it grows out so fast - I started getting gray in my mid thirties so I've been coloring for a long time!

Peace,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I went through menopause shortly after I turned 50. I was taking care of my aunt, mother and John.........plus holding down a full time job and doing the normal things that you do with your kids. My aunt died, John ended up paralyzed and finally I had to put my mother in a nursing home in 2002. I was running around like fool until one day I realized I longer had my period (for months). It was easy for me. I have always been a warm/hot person so when I did get the very few night sweats I thought nothing of it. I never took any medication. As far as having gray hair just a little around the temples. Of course, no one will ever see them because I am a blonde (out of the bottle) that gets her roots done every three weeks. It would be nice if we would all post our pictures.

This morning I took John Robert and Vanessa to the airport. They went on vacation to Costa Rica Mexico for a week. It should do them good. Both have been traveling and working so hard on there jobs.

Mary Jo, I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I will light my special candle and say a few prayers. I hope your day is easy for you. God Bless you.

Peace to all,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

April, a weekly chat sounds good to me. Let me know what has to be done.

dorothy.herman@comcast.net

[aprilmoonflower]

I worked as a hairstylist for over a decade. It really is amazing how your hair can make you feel. I used to do cancer patients after chemo at times, which was amazing to see how one's hair effect's their whole outlook! Looking back I feel really sad. I worked in some trendy places in NY and Phoenix but then also worked in retirement communities in Sun City AZ and Green Valley AZ (both loaded with snowbirds. so I did used to do alot of widow's hair. or would see women lose their husbands. Thinking back, now I know how those women felt. ugh. oh and one time I did a lady's hair for her 71st wedding anniversary! isn't that just insane to imagine having all those years together?

[amberi]

April I think me and you have a lot in common, I work in a Domestic Violence Agency and do restraining orders and that kind of stuff and am also getting ready to go back and take paralegal courses.

Ironic also me and Alex had an awesome life insurance policy that would pay the house off and give either one of us 2000 a month for I think five years. we had been paying on it for over ten years. When Alex died I remembered it and called and guess what due to his drug use he hadnt paid it since last Oct. and I never knew and now I dont get ****. can u believe it all those years having a back up to find out he tossed it away. aghhh

on a lighter note. Where would we post pictures, I would love it to have a face to names and some of you I relly feel a grewat conection with. Also the chat would be great.

Amber

[lindat]

If you guys want to post photos you can email them to me and I will put them on a website - I do websites for small businesses and stuff. linda@shorians.com

[aprilmoonflower]

Amber- I bet that's an interesting job you have! I'm sure you help alot of families in bad situatins (my first marriage was an abusive one btw) I feel like I will never trust a man again. Too funny you are going to paralegal school too! omg that is awful about your insurance! like a slap in the face I bet. =( like my husband, he probably thought nothing would ever happen to him. also I realize now they just weren't in their right minds while using. It's so obvious to me now. I feel so stupid. My anger is far from gone, I guess I just have learned how to manage it better or it will eat me up and consume me if I let it. sometimes I also just don't care anymore. he's gone and it's over and I'm moving on, so there's no point in dwelling on it I suppose. I guess I am still numb at times too.

Linda- that would be great! I didn't know you made websites!

otherwise here's another thought, we could upload photos ourselves and keep them private at the yahoogroup I made, the link is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/beyond_widowhood_too/

(this group is private so only those signed uo can read our messages)

(there used to be a chatroom there, but it's no longer)

no worries though,

I set one up here for us..when do you all want to meet up? How abot Mon night sometime? (or whenever is good for you ladies. lmk!)

http://gabbly.com/private/beyondindigowidows/indigo

(wait for the screen to pop up on the right. you can go here anytime if you are online)

[armaiti]

Well I'm back from the Art & te Vinyard Festival...it was fun, mostly. I ran into a bunch of our friends and hung out some, though one friend started talking to me asking if I've considered that in the future I may find someone else, blah, blah, blah...why do people who know us push so much for me to be with another person? I told her flat out that Ishaq would be an almost impossible act to follow and as far as I'm concerned I'm married to him and in an interdimensional relationship with him. I am getting so TIRED of this! Plus today I saw two people who didn't know Ishaq had passed over and I had to tell the story again. SSigh. I did do a lot of wine tasting and hung out listening to the all-girl bluegrass band until the songs got too depressing. (I left after the one about hte girl who's beloved has died and she wants to find peace being buried beside him...) It was hot, hot, hot. That's the way it goes I guess - a mix of up and down no matter what I do.

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

PHEW!

so much going on! my laptop crashed and i hate sitting back in the office on the big puter, so i haven't been here as much.

i am all for posting pics and a chat..how fun would that be?

and linda...

i've been thinkin about you and wondering how you guy was and your diet.

anna...

your haircut sounds great..it is amazing how when we do those little things for ourselves we feel better! maybe you look so great that that's why friends are inquiring about you being in a new relationship? It is hard tho, to hear it...

amber and april...

i have been reading about your husbands troubles with drugs, and am so sorry....people are weak, life is hard..not a good mix sometimes. But you are both so strong, and i guess that is what counts now.

dorothy..

i am a fabulous redhead ..bottle thru and thru! I love it! I don't have a lot of grey, started dying it for the chaange, and still do. of course, i used to go to my hairdresser and have streaks, etc..now i do it myself to save money, not as fancy, but i love it.

shoot..i'm gonna get timed out, i'm such a slow typist..

but i'll ttyall soon

I'm in for pics and a chat...that would be fun, to see you all! I have seen anna, on her site...but it would be nice to put a face with all of you.

peace,

michele

[ripzuck]

Anna,

I don't post here often ; I read more. But I wanted to respond to your reluctance to swim in the river.I think when you decide to do it, it'll be cathartic and life affirming, what Ishaq certainly would want for you. ( I love swimming and doing laps has helped me a great deal.) Hopefully, you can take the plunge soon to enjoy the river and the feelings that will come through.I'm going on my 16th month and I found at about a year I was able to start doing some things alone that we loved to do together. It felt strengthening, though bittersweet. And sometimes those tears still come pouring out.

Rita

[rodless]

Today I am at peace. I am so glad to have this one year mark almost over with. Rod died early in the morning after a terrible night of suffering so I think last night was worse for me as I relived the whole thing. Not much sleep and some nightmares. This morning I put new flowers on his grave and talked to him for while.

I spent over an hour last evening at the pool swimming laps, paddling around and trying to relax. They almost have to kick me out when it closes. Its a good thing its not open 24/7 or I would be so water logged I wouldn't be able to function. My friends think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm addicted to chlorine? We also have a river but I wouldn't swim in it. Too many farm chemicals and feed lot runoffs. Anna, you are lucky to have your river. I hope it will bring you peace in the next few weeks and you finish your walk around the sun.

Hope all are having a fairly good weekend. Mary Jo

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, God Bless You............

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Mary Jo - I'm thinking of you today...

Peace,

Anna

[lindat]

Mary Jo, My thoughts are with you.... I also had such a hard time on anniversary of our last evening together, but I hope that you will feel the same sense of release that I felt after the anniversary. It took me a while to embrace it though because the extra space meant that he was permanently farther away and that really sucked - when I finally could accept that there just was nothing that I could do about that space - it got much easier right away. I hope that you continue to find peace... Linda

[lindat]

Michele, I think of you so often and still hope to get up there to see you soon.

My guy is hanging in there, but I think that things are much worse than he has let on - I will be in MI in a month and then I'll know what's going on. Long distance relationships are tough when there aren't big problems, so not sure how things are between us right now, but we are still communicating. I have lost 70 pounds since Terry died - 40 since Feb. I hope to lose another 20 before I leave next month. I am starting to get used to not being invisible (fat people are basically invisible) anymore - it is really weird and sometimes unsettling. I haven't been hit on in years and the first time it happened a couple of weeks ago, I looked behind me to see who he was talking to. He found that quite amusing....

I have a shin splint that is keeping me from walking right now, so I started playing pool again. Terry and I met over a pool table - I won a tournament he was in - but it has been a very long time since I played. The first gift he gave me was a custom cue with my name engraved on it. I was able to save all of our custom cues from Katrina and have recently sold them on eBay, except for the one he gave me. I have been shooting much better than I expected and yesterday was invited to join a men's pool league - I was very flattered. They said they usually don't ask women and I would be the only one - something to think about if the MI trip doesn't work out

I am having a reunion for my high school while I am in MI - I do the alumni website - http://www.shorians.com - if anyone is interested. There is an article from the school newspaper toward the bottom of the webpage and it has my photo on it. It was done before Katrina - 2003 I think. I have scanned 11 yearbooks cover to cover to put on the website over the years - lots of work but also fun - I am finally popular in school My senior pic is on this page - and my maiden name is Linda Taylor - http://www.shorians.com/64pg67.jpg - that was more than 40 years ago....

I went to the fair in San Diego and saw Earth, Wind and Fire in concert with some kids that I work with. We also went bungee jumping - OMG it was so cool. My best friend right now is 23 and gay and he wants me to go sky diving with him in a couple of weeks - my mom said I am not allowed to go, guess I will have to sneak out Who knows what tomorrow will bring???? Life is so very short!!!

My thoughts are with you all... Linda

[mishknit]

maary jo.....

thinking of you. the day is over, you made it.

there is a great sense of peace in even that.

peace, michele

[lindat]

April, The yahoo group is probably better, but the offer is open if there is anything that I can do to help. I signed up for the group. Linda

[missyouhoney811]

This is another date that I hate and relive every year 7/8/97 was when my John became paralyzed and became a different man. So I guess I have had to loves in my life. I am not having a very good morning.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Thank you everyone for the prayers and kind thoughts. I feel like a great weight has been lifted. Who knows how long that will last but somehow I seem to think things will get better.

Dorothy, I'm sorry you're having such a bad morning. They sneak up on us don't they? I am always surprised at how fast a day can turn around one way or the other to good or bad.

Hot, hot, hot here and very humid. Even the dog doesn't want to be outside. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about the Black Hills. I might take off by myself for a week and find a cabin by a creek. My mom will have a fit (Linda knows how that feels) but I am really feeling the need to some me time without having to fit into other people's agendas.

Linda.. the weight loss is wonderful. Good for you!! I know that fat people are invisible. Have dealt all my life with it. It was one of the problems in my first marriage but never an issue with Rod. I am down a lot from my highest weight (during marriage #1) but it's a constant struggle.

Bless you all! Mary Jo

[susanbruce]

Reading thru the Sunday paper this morning, I always check out the coupons to see if there are any I need to clip. I've done this for years. Today, it's hard that I don't have the need to clip coupons for Right Guard, Shaving Cream or Head N Shoulders - all products Bruce used. It's just another subtle reminder.

Hoping to be able to get outside and pull weeds today. It's been raining here in Houston for seems like weeks - mosquitos can carry you away almost.

Hope everyone has a nice day.

Susan

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all...I am still in Houston for training and Susan is so right...I think it has rained here everyday since I arrived!!! I am almost done with this part. I have 4 more simulator flights, an oral test, and a sim test, then two more days of ground school for aircraft difference. We have been learning everything for the ATR 42, so we will have to learn what the differences are for systems, etc for the ATR 72. I will be flying both aircrafts. After that I get to go back home for 4 days. Then off to North Carolina again for 4 days and one day in Memphis to do three take off and landings in the actual plane. Then I will be finished and put on the line full time. I can not believe I have been away from home for 4 weeks now. How I miss the homefront. I did get to see the hubby last weekend, as he flew out here for 2 days. That was a pleasant little break, but I have not seen the kids in sooooo long.

Susan - next weekend I may have some free time if you are interested in doing lunch before I leave.

I miss you gals and hope to be back on more regularly soon!!!!

Take care and (((((BIG HUGS)))))!!!

Angel

[mishknit]

linda..

how great! and it would be great if you came here..but, you know, we could meet in the middle sometime!

I'm sorry about your friend, i hope he' ok. But the pool group does sound great, and is probably worth joining! I have to start looking for thing s like that. I'm getting a little tiny bit into the internet thing..but it is so weird! I have one man who'i'm writing too..but others who have contaced me that are so weird! and i feel bad saying no...but NO!! LOL!

april..i hope you and susan can get together, and gald yu're training is going so well..congrats!

and dorothy..every day it's something, i just find that each day that something doesn't last as long...baby steps.

peace all,

michele

[bsnurse76]

Hi everyone! It has been awhile since I have posted. It is official. I passed my boards. I start my new job tomorrow. I am excited. It has been nice having a month off but it is very expensive to be off work. My girlfriends and I went to San Diego a couple of weekends ago and had a blast. The city was great. Darren's son stayed with me last weekend, and we went to a baseball game. It has been a busy month. One thing that has been irritating me is that it has been 8 months since his death and there is still no headstone on his grave. This was the one thing I figured his sister could handle since his father and I payed for the rest of the expenses. I am checking on some prices. It is frustrating. I wish she would of called to at least say she can't do it. The lady from the cemetary has talked to her several times and can never get her to come in. She always tells the lady that she is going to check prices and get back to her but doesn't. Enough of my venting. Thanks for listening. I will keep you posted on the new job. Brandi

[aprilmoonflower]

Brandi- congrats on passing your boards and your new job!

MaryJo- I'm glad you got through the weekend. I know it's tough but it's behind you now and really nothing has changed anyway but the day on the calender. I found the year anniversary to be a letdown actually. no one really cared or anything so it left me feeling really badly. it also made me realize who is important in my life. (me!)

Angel- go you! I can't wait until you are done so we can chat on IM! lol.

Susun- I hate when those seemingly meaningless things just creep up on you like that. ugh. hang in there.

Dorothy- I hope you got through the day alright. ((hugs))

Linda- thanks for joining the yahoogroup! I uploaded some pics there.

so shall we plan a day for a chat? how does Thurs evening sound at 6pm (az time)

[armaiti]

I can't do the chat this Thursday as I'll be at the Oregon Country Fair. I think I'm going to come home each day though....I'd just rather be at home than camp this years.

I went up to the mountains with Ishaq's son and his wife Crystal today. It was beautiful and we took my Sea Eagle inflatable canoe/kayak out on aa beautiful lake. Though the mosquitoes were awful! Then we went to a couple of creeks where Shems fished - he's really into fly fishing. I took them out to dinner tonight, and cooked for them last night. So it was a good weekend.

I'm pretty wiped out from being in the sun and paddling and swimming all day, so I'll post individual responses later...

Peace,

Anna

[cheryl36]

Hello Ladies, everyone. I haven't been on in a while. I was just catching up on everyone's posts. I hope all is well with you all! For me tomorrow will be tough. Tomorrow is Scott's Birthday, he would have been 41. I'm already crying. Just the anticipation of it is still killing me! I've been going camping a lot with my family quite a bit. Thats been really nice. I just gotta get through July 10th! I hope God gives me the strength!

Love and Peace to you all

Cheryl

[rodless]

Cheryl, My experience has been that the day isn't as bad as all the time thinking about it ahead of time. I hope that holds true for you. God bless!

[cheryl36]

(Sigh) well the day has arrived, and I have a serious headache! I don't think I will even get out of the bed later on today, its only 1 a.m. here. I love you Scott Auxier, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY, I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!! I don't even know if I can get the strength together to go to the cemetary today, I want to but I just feel everytime I think about going my heart sinks into my stomach and I honestly dread it and I haven't even gone yet. If I even decide to go. Well I'm going to attempt to go to sleep....again. Good night you all and may God Bless You all!!!!

Cheryl

[armaiti]

Cheryl, I'm sorry you are having a rough time - make sure you drink lots of water - it will help with the headache, and when we cry a lot we get dehydrated too...Ishaq's best friend led a beautiful ceremony last year called "replensihing the tears of the community" where everyone who had lost someone close in the past year took a cup of water and we all drank them together.

Take care of yourself,

Peace,

Anna

[justamom]

Hi girls, it has been a while since I have written - not necessarily because things have been going great either! Mary Jo, I am glad that you got through your day I was thinking of you and sending you all of my good JUJU! Cheryl I am sending it to you too. Hang in there. The weather here in Colorado today is cold and rainy, a perfect day to stay in bed. Unfortunately my boys don't feel the need to stay in bed all day HA! I did go and meet the kid that was driving the car. It was honestly the most sureal thing that I think I have ever done - Aside from having a funeral for my husband that was weird too! What does one wear to meet the person who killed your husband?! It was very difficult. He is such a kid. He is really very remorseful which I did need to hear. He is pretty messed up himself. I didn't find myself feeling sorry for him though which I still think is amazing for me. I think now that I am glad that I did it and that it is one more thing behind me. The state did find him incompetant to stand trial because he doesn't remember the accident which I did try to tell him was a blessing because I remember every single minute of it. He should be grateful for that. I don't know. I just feel so out of sorts. I am not grounded these days. Everything is so difficult and complicted that it sucks me dry. I need a pep talk! Lisa

[winds60]

Good Day All: It's been a while since I've been on, just have those days when I don't feel like doing anything. Well I made it through Aboriginal Days, Anna this a day we celebrate our native heritage..they have teaching, cooking demos, crafts and entertainment which is open to anyone to attend and celebrate with us. It went okay, was very hard without my husband, my friend stayed with me at our camp, which helped me a lot. Yesterday was 8 months, miss him so much. Our annual pow-wow is this weekend, this will be really rough on us, we always enjoyed this weekend with our families. My boys and I are planning A Feast & Ceremony to celebrate the life of William on Saturday and have invited his side of family and my side to help us remember William. I plan to show video, I've made of my husband, this little project has really helped a lot to cope with his loss. Just hope the weather holds out. Well have a super day! Take care all...

[amberi]

Hi everyone, I had a rough few days there and for a while I actually thought I was having a heart attack I had been crying so much and so hard that my chest was hurting so bad. I miss my children so much and with the empty house I just couldn’t take it. For about a day I thought about just sayin **** it, but then I could never do that to my kids. So I pulled my head out of my ass and now Im back and doing better. They come home tonight Im so excited, although the terror level being on orange for flights shook me a little. They are actually at the airport all ready.

I think this time was good for all of us, I really needed to face the fact that Alex is gone and I wasn’t even attempting when they were home. Dont get me wrong I am still in a lot of denial but at least it is starting to sink in.

I hope you all are having an ok week. I really missed being on here when I was struggling, I guess I need to get my computer fixed at home so I can be here on the weekends.

Take care all,

amber

[armaiti]

I've been having a tough time too...I've been dreading going to the Oregon Country Fair this year, because there are a lot of people that saw Ishaq and I just once a year there. And a lot of them won't know that he passed away last year. Each time I have to tell someone it's like a knife in my heart. I'm making up little quarter sheet pictures with the story of his passing on the back, and the date and time of his Urs celebration this year. But I know it will still be hard. I've decided to go two days and then come home if I want. I've made arrangements for Ishaq's student and best friend to cover the Sufi Dancing spot we do every day there. Everyone in my group from there is totally supporting me, saying I can do whatever feels right for me to do. So that's good. And last night I dreamt of Ishaq - and my grandmother, who I haven't dreamt of in years. I was introducing them to each other! Ishaq looked wonderful and I feel like he is a channel to help me connect with my family and ancestors on the other side. These dreams are so vivid, I know they are visitations, they stay with me for a long time after I wake up.

I bought a little 8' round pool last night for $12 and put it up in the back yard today. It is really hot here but I just float out there a bit and then come back in the house. I feel pretty wiped out from feeling all the dread of the upcoming fair, but since I've given myself permission to bail if I need to, I'm feeling a lot better. Going to make a strawberry/raspberry frozen marguerita later and watch a movie, and just try to take care of myself!

Stay cool everyone,

Peace,

Anna

[cheryl36]

Well I made it!!!! (so far) Thank You So very much Rodless, Anna, and Lisa for your words of comfort, and concerns....THANK YOU SINCERELY!!! I did not go to the cemetery today. Does that make me a bad person? I only cried once today, well since I've been awake anyway? Do you think Scott would be mad at me? I sure hope not. I have purposely kept myself extremely busy today just because I felt I needed to, for me. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. I hope everyone is doing okay, I won't say "doing great" because thats a word I don't understand anymore. I will continue to pray for us all and hope we all have some peace, if only for a moment. Goodnight Ladies, I will check back tomorrow.

Love you all deeply,

Cheryl

[aprilmoonflower]

(((hugs to you cheryl))) I'm glad to hear your made it through today. you aren't a bad person for not going to the cemetary. I think scott would understand. it's ok! hang in there! busy s good!

I'm sorry you are having a hard time Anna. I bet once you get there it won't be as bad as you think? I really hope you have a good time and aren;t sad. but if you are, it's ok too. you will get through this I promise!

Amber- I'm so sorry you are having a rough time too! just remember you can always come here though, we truly understand what you are going through. I'm glad you are finding some strength now. take care of yourself!

Lisa- that does sound so surreal. I'm sorry though too. it sucks all the way around.

winds60- your project sounds like it will be really healing for you and your family. I hope you find some peace.

btw someone in my DH family is webstalking me! what losers. I'm telling you they have nothing better to do but stir up drama over a year after I cut them out of my life? so pathetic. I am just sickened there are such cruel people in this world. I do beleive in karma though! (odd for an atheist I know) and not so much that I beleive in reincarnation or anything like that, but I truly feel whatever energy you put out WILL come back to you.

[fourleafclover]

Hello all. Haven't been here for a bit. Trying to get myself together again and I thought by staying away from this site, might just do the trick. It didn't. Got a phone call from W's best friend Xavier last week. Completely shook the ground I was standing on. He went on to tell me that W loved me so much and the one thing he didn't want was for me to see him die. Xavier said that it was easier for W to break my heart by telling me he loved someone else rather than to tell me he was dying. I ended up shouting at Xavier with a lump in my throat it felt as though I couldn't breathe. HOW COULD ALL OF THEM HAVE HIDDEN THE TRUTH FROM ME??????? They stole my goodbye to W!! I don't understand how they all thought they were protecting me. Was I never gonna find out? William...you don't know what you've done to me. I loved you more than anything. Now that I am moving on, all our friends are pitching up from nowhere telling me how you suffered, how you missed me, how you loved me, how you needed me not to know, how this and how that! You had NO RIGHT!!! You broke my heart over and over again and I needed to be with you! I wanted to be with you no matter what! Sorry all, maybe this isn't the place to do this. I'm sorry...

[armaiti]

Fourleafclover - don't feel you have to apologize to us here - it's fine to write whatever you feel!

April - I appreciate your wishes, but there is NO possible way this will be easy - I know how many people I'm going to run into who haven't seen us in a year and I know how it feels to have to tell people that Ishaq passed away. He always enjoyed the Country Fair more than me - it's crowded and hot and dusty, and while there's a lot of really cool stuff, it's tiring even on a good day. I'm just going to try and get through Thursday and Friday and know that I can stay home if I want the rest of the weekend. I'll just be glad when the weekend is over.

I'm just two weeks away from his anniversary of crossing over and everyday is so hard. I have to be at a friend's wedding the week before, and I just wish I didn't have to. She's a Sufi too and they'll be singing a song with a Rumi poem in it that is something that Ishaq and I had as one of "our" poems, and that will be difficult to hear. She wanted to know if I'd be one of the singers for that song and I told her I just couldn't. I'll sing one of the other songs, and I'm going to videotape the wedding, which at least will put me in a different space because I can focus on being the cameraperson.

His co-workers are going out to the place in the river where he passed, on that day, Saturday the 28th. My plan is for his sister and her husband and I to go out on Sunday, and I'll take the flowers from his Urs celebration the night before and put them there on the beach. It's a beautiful place out on the Mckenzie River - there's a big rock called Jump Off Rock - I can't imagine a more beautiful place to cross over from this life into the next form. I hope I have that same blessing.

Peace,

Anna

[armaiti]

April - ps, I hope my last post to you didn't seem harsh, I didn't mean for it to be, it's just that I'm in a down space these days, and too many of my friends here keep trying to give me "up" talks when I just need them to hear me and not try to "fix" the situation. I keep trying to do my art, my garden, all that, but all I think of is how Ishaq isn't here with me to see it, physically. I know he's with me and I have these amazing dream visits with him, but the days are long without him, and he's not here where I can touch and hold him. Plus I have a headache today. So if I came off a little harsh, I'm sorry - I really value all of you on this board, and wish the best for all of us!

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- oh no I completley understand! no worries on harshness! I didn't read it that way at all anyway! also I guess I didn't realize the amount of people you will have to deal with either. I hope you do find some peace through it all. I know you will. I guess all you can do is take each moment as it comes this week, but I do understand that dread. (((hugs and strength to you))) and I hope your headache subsides!

[amberi]

Oh I feel such a relief now that my kids are back and in my arms. It was very scary with them gone. Then Im sitting at the airport up on the deck and thier plan is unloading right in front of me, everyone gets off but them, my heart started sinking I started to panic, workers were going in the plan to load n no kids in sight, I started crying and my mom was trying to call my aunt in Boston to see what was going on, then finally they stepped out of the plane helping this little old lady who was using a walker, my son who is very small was carrying her carry on bag (along with his)and my daughter was holding her by the elbow helping her out. I fully bursted into tears at the relief they were home, then at the sight that man my kids rock! they are wonderful people who care about others. My son can be difficult at times like most boys but this just made my heart happy, I looked up to the sky wiping tears and said "Boo, we have awesome kids, I miss u n love you" Boo is Alex's nickname.

I really wanted to share that.

fourleafclover - vent all u need to cuz I do it all the time it feels good to have a safe place to go. Take care of you and maybe in time it may bring u comfort to know he loved you even though he broke your heart(who knows) but keep moving forward. That really is all any of us can do now.

I miss Alex and loved him deeply for 18yrs, but right now I am one angry B**** and just want to smack him. Keep venting its good for the sole and the heart to heal, my thoughts are with you.

Amber