I Miss Him So...

[mishknit]

hey susan..

my advice is just my advice, no better or worse than anyone else's. tamara is going to have to make her decision onher own. I'm glad you've started eating again....it's way better fro you than ensure..

my usband died suddenly too....probably q blood clot. he was alive until he left in the ambulance, so we had a few minutes with him, but......never thought he' d die, you know? so i regret not saying things. he did see me very capable tho, handling the emergency with him and keeping my son calm....i hope that trnsleated to the love i had for him. big sigh.

angel....you know you're going to have to work with a lot of assholes, so you might as well train with one! lol1

hope it's going well other than that, and that mark and the kids are doing well without you....are they?

anyway,

i'm hitting the hay...

peace,

michele

[precioustams]

Thank you all for ur advice, I have arranged to go pick up the dress with a really close family friend and I think that I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to sell the dress like some of you have suggested, I think I will however take a picture of it because I would like to put it in a scrap book that one day I’ll have the energy to make, it was gorgeous, I just think that it would be far to hard to have it sitting in the closet, the dress won’t make any of the pain go away and I have enough reminders without the dress there staring at me. My mom has arranged for a bridal shop where she lives to try and sell it. I wish that I didn’t even have to go pick it up but the bridal shop lady is a witch to say the least, wants the dress out or she’s going to keep it, also said some fairly rude things about Joseph, like it wasn’t her fault he died, etc, some people. Also thanks for acknowledging that I do in fact matter when it comes to losing joseph and I am not JUST his “fiancé”, here and with Josephs mom seem to be the only places where I do and I find comfort in both. Take care and I wish you all a good evening.

Thanks,

Tamara

[rodless]

Also glad we're back! I missed all of you. I am facing #1 anniverary on 7/7 and am sure the anticipation has to be worse than the day... roller coaster like Anna said. So sorry for you problems Tamara. Hard to deal with stuff when you can barely think.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about reinventing myself. I was alone for 10 yrs. between divorce and marriage to Rod, but I had my kids so it was different. This time it's just me... and the dog. Rod and I were attahed at the hip, never did much without the other so it's a big hole to fill.

Everyone, have a good day! Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Mary Jo- I hear you about reinventing yourself. I am just trying to find myself again most days!

so I am coming up on 2 years in August. I just feel numb when I think about it. I almost don't care anymore (or rather I want myself to believe that it's just another day). I am moving on so maybe that is making it easier. of course my feelings can and will change within 2 months..

Tamara- that sounds like a good idea to have your friend go with you..what a difficult thing to do.

Angel- thinking of you! hope your training goes by quickly for you!

Susun- good for you for starting eating again. I hope it helps you heal.

I joined a single parents group thi spast week! my first outing will be a trip to the zoo sat w/ the kiddos. hoping to find some other single women locally for friendship and support.

[amberi]

Wow talk about scary I was so upset when the boards were down I thought I would have to start all over again. Tamara, my heart goes out to you. I think you are making a wise choice. And I agree you should fight his father, I am having to fight with Alex's cousin and we are married and there shouldn’t be anything to fight about but his cousin wants to be a pain in my ass, so fight him, n I don’t think he can really make you sell anything he would have to prove that your fiancé bought it. I wish you lots of luck and will be thinking of you.

My kids left for their trip to Boston last night and now I feel like I was hit by a train. I think keeping a game face for them and now not having to be taking its toll.

So glad you’re all back I really need this sight. Still never got any feed back on the original I posted on.

I'll check in tomorrow

[sweetwilliam]

Tamara, I remembered this card that my husband gave me 8 days before he passed and thought you would find the words comforting:

Real Love Is the look in someone's eyes that is meant for you alone, a gentle kiss that says everything will be okay, a hand held in just the right way at just the right time. Real Love Is a secret told by one heart and guarded by another, a belief that someone knows you as no one else can, the little day-to-day acts of thoughtfulness that go unmentioned but not unnoticed. Real Love Is a feeling tha no matter where you are, the deepest part of you remains with the one you love, a dream that comes true with time and trust and a little luck. Real Love Is A Promise Of Forever. I know how beuatiful real love can be...because of the beautiful person you are, inside and out. Thank you for loving me like you do...You are, and always will be, the love of my life.

I hope this gives you some peace...Susan

P.S. My husband rarely bought cards, since he loved to write his own personal letters and poems to me. When he left this card for me, with a single red rose, I aked him why and he said he was waiting for his plane connection and saw it in the airport book store and knew he had to give it to me. So glad he did...

[precioustams]

Thanks sweetwilliam, the tears fell from beginning to end but that was Beautiful...what we had was love, Real love, no matter the titles...thank you!

~Tamara

[armaiti]

Today it is eleven months for me since Ishaq passed. I went out and had lunch with a friend, but my mind is more on a close friend of ours and a student of Ishaq's. He went in for a colonoscopy yesterday and they found a cancerous mass that they are removing today. His wife is going to call me later and let me know how the surgery went. They won't know until it is out if it has spread or not, or if he'll need chemo. This man takes after Ishaq a lot, and I hope and pray all will be well with him. His son is getting married in one month at the Sun Dance, on the same day as the anniversary of Ishaq's passing. I so want Jerry to be there and well for his son's wedding the way Ishaq wasn't able to be there for his son's. (For the newer people, Ishaq passed just a week before his son's wedding. They still had the ceremony and we did a lot of remembering and memorials around Ishaq, as the whole family was together, which was good).

It is dark here right now, as it is raining which smells so good as it hits the grass. So much beauty in the world and so much suffering too, I guess you can't have the light without the dark, right? Though it sucks sometimes.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- I hope your friend will be ok. (((hugs))) please send some of your rain here. It's SOOOO hot here in S. AZ! there is a fire burning nearby as well.

[armaiti]

I just heard from Jerry's wife and the surgery went really well, the surgeon said he couldn't have wished for a better surgery. I hope to get over there tomorrow to see him if he is up for having visitors.

I've been cleaning up the house more, just too much clutter! I took half a carload to the Goodwill yesterday - my stuff, no Ishaq's. I'm keeping everything of is. I did box up some more of his clothes that were in the closet, both to keep them safe and in better condition,and to give myself some more room. It felt wierd to see mainly my clothes hanging there. I kept a couple of shirts of his out that I wear, his favorite flannels that I love to snuggle in when it is cold.

Wish I could send you some of this rain, too, April, but I'm really grateful for it! It is settling the pollen and I think my allergy season may finally be at an end, so I can work in the garden again. I did mow the back lawn today without hives raising on my arms, which is an improvement.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- glad to hear that! it sounds like good newsfor your friend! yeah, I have gotten rid of alot of my DH stuff. it's been sooo hard. I still kind of regret getting rifd of his clothes weirdly enough. I guess I am just sad I had to do it! (or made myself get rifd of them!) I have a few things I did save though.

so anyway, I just finally submitted my grief article I was writing for AC..thinking of writing some more specifically about grief. I just need to come up with more ideas!

[aprilmoonflower]

where is everyone today????? )

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I am glad your friend got good news. It must make you happy and relaxed.

I just came in from sitting on my patio. I must have been out there for at least 6 hours. I put up four new bird feeders. I received a large order from Petco today. I ordered a variety of seeds. The birds in my yard are simply out of this world. They are so beautiful and so colorful. Their singing is so soothing. Nature is great.

My hand therapist thinks that I will be released within the next two weeks. So happy............no more falling for me. I just want to be healthy.

Went to the cemetery and took care of John's flowers that we planted on his grave on fathers day. I had my normal conversation with him and came home. I started to have flash backs on everything that happened last year. I just can't believe how he suffered and didn't complain.....instead he just gave me big smiles. I love and miss him so much.

I hope everyone has a peaceful night.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I still have not touched anything in John's room. Hopefully soon.

[armaiti]

Hi, I just got back from the hospital visitng my friend. His wife and son were there and another friend came while a couple of us from the Sufi community were there too. They had a Native American healing ceremony in his room yesterday before the surgery. He is in really good spirits today, and is doing well. I took a bunch of raspberries, knowing he probably couldn't eat them, but his family and friends were enjoying them!

I spent a good part of the day shopping. Bought some new shoes, and did some errands. It's been raining today which is good for the garden. I hope to get out there this weekend and clear some more weeds, if my allergies don't come back too bad. Thankfully, they are almost done!

I have to cut some branches off the butterfly bush in front of my house where my bird feeders are...the squirrels are using them to get to the feeders and eating me out of house and home! My youngest cat chased one up the bush almost to the roof of the house!

Peace,

Anna

[armaiti]

By the way, April, what's the link to your article on AC?

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- it's not published yet (I just submitted it today) I will post a link if/when it's published! Glad to hear your friend is in good spirits. it's nice to hear a "good" story on here!

Dorothy- it sound slike you have a little oasis going on in your yard! awesome!

it is dry, dry, DRY here in the desert, my hard work in the yard is slowly dying! (kiwis and grapes are all dead! though they may come back onece the monsoons start. I am hopeful! every year I try so hard in the yard and every year it all dies! thankfully I am able to grow houseplants! maybe I will stick with flowers next year, but I long to be able to grow our own food. I do have lots of tomatoes growing (And squash, eggplant and peppers), though something is eating everything now! ack!

[missyouhoney811]

It really upsets me. I enjoyed most of my morning and early afternoon working in the yard. I was actually happy (even singing with the birds)but here come the tears. I am missing him alot right now. It would be great if I could turn back time. I would pick the 70's and 80's before he started to get sick. I can recall our lives as if it were just yesterday.

My son's company delivered the Maple tree to his condo today. He said it is really beautiful. I can't believe my son actually dug a huge hole yesterday to plant the tree. I mentioned before his company sent flowers but they also promised him a Maple Tree because they knew that was his father's favorite tree. I'll go over tomorrow after Mass to see it. Our Maple Tree in our yard is so beautiful.

I think I'll take Sherman for a walk and afterwards I'll go for a drive to West Virginia. Tonight is the power ball lottery. John always said the tickets were better in W Virginia. It will only take me 25 to 30 minutes. I need a drive right now. Hope you have a peaceful afternoon.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Dorothy.. I hate that when it happens. I was playing with the dog the other night and she was rolling and ruffing under the edge of the dining room rug. I was laughing out loud really hard and all of a sudden I was crying instead. It hit me how much Rod enjoyed her antics and how we used to laugh and laugh.

My son has made his move back to Iowa from Florida. This week will be his first Sunday at his new church. He was here for a couple of days and we had a really good time. The house seemed so empty after he left this morning. My daughter will be here for the 4th and part of the weekend. Think they have decided they need to take care of me. It's nice sometimes having grown up kids.

Have been doing a lot of reflecting as Rod died on 7/7 last summer. A year ago this was a very tough week. I am looking forward to getting the one year mark behind me. Not that things will magically improve but a milestone.

I am working in a beer garden at a street dance tonight. Not sure why except someone asked me to and it sounded better than staying home. Hope you all are doing ok this weekend. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Mary Jo- A beer garden! lol. sounds fun and better than staying home for sure! I hope your week brings you peace. I know how hard that first anniversary is.

Dorothy- lottery? with your luck you will probably win! (again) ;)the maple trees sound lovely! what a great company your son must work for! sorry you had a rough day. tomorrow will be better..

we went to our first single parenting group today. we had fun. it was at the zoo. it was in the triple digits! eek! we are joining another holistic moms group too this coming month. I am excited to start socializing and to meet new people for once since DH died.

I am writing another article about specific flower remedies to use for grief. if anyone wants to subscribe to my AC ( www.associatedcontent.com ) page please email me!

az _ mama @ hotmail .com (no spaces)

[mishknit]

omg dorothy...

you will win, like april said, with your luck! good luck. and i know about driving..nothing helps more sometimes, i don't know why that is, i've been like this all my life. living in CA helps...there's never a time you can't drive somewhere beautiful. i hope the maple is beautiful..i' sure it will be, and how lovely for your son.

mary jo...i know the feeling you're talking about, and it's probably partly due to the year date approaching.

and. you know, we're here for you, now and after the year, when it gets different. good for you for doing the beer garden...you should meet some interesting people! lol!

i'm exhausted from cleaning all day, and helping my son finish the amazing job he's done on his room!finally! i swear, it smelled..it was that bad. Now it's clean and let's see how long that will last..lol! messiness in his room is not a battle i'm willing to fight..too many more important things, but filthiness is...

anyway...i am beat, and it's only 6:30!

pathetic...

peace all,

michele

[Guest Guest]

I lost my Husband in August of 2006 and I was the one who found him at home. He came home from work one night and went to sleep and never woke up. I was awakened by our dog, barking. I knew something was wrong, I walked out into the living room and he was asleep in his chair. (so, I thought) He had died in his sleep. My life hasn't been the same since. I miss him so very much. It seems as though my life is a nightmare still till this day. We have a little girl together and it is so hard being a single parent. My husband and I we're together for 13 years (married) we had known each other for fifteen years.

[Guest Guest]

I guess this is to everyone. I lost my husband on the 22nd of November and don't know where to go from here. I'm 24 and have an 18 month old son and just really don't have the strength to go on. I've gone back to work and put him in daycare and I just can't seem to do enough to help with the pain. I found my husband that morning and now that's all I see and I just wish this was all a bad dream. I know he's in a better place because he had coronary artery disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, high colesterol and he hated his job, but I want him with me. The coroners said it was from falling down the stairs, but I think it was his heart, but I haven't gotten anything back yet stating what was the actual cause of death. The worst part was I didn't hear anything that morning and my bedroom is right by the stairs to the basement. I know that if it's someone's time to go, it's time, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I try to believe things will get easier, but how am I supposed to do all this alone when he's the only person I've been with for the past seven years?

I too found my husband last year and I dont know what to do or where to turn and feel like this is a nightmare. I got the coroner's report back and my husband died from coronary heart disease. I miss him more and more everyday.

[Guest Guest]

I lost my Husband in August of 2006 and I was the one who found him at home. He came home from work one night and went to sleep and never woke up. I was awakened by our dog, barking. I knew something was wrong, I walked out into the living room and he was asleep in his chair. (so, I thought) He had died in his sleep. My life hasn't been the same since. I miss him so very much. It seems as though my life is a nightmare still till this day. We have a little girl together and it is so hard being a single parent. My husband and I we're together for 13 years (married) we had known each other for fifteen years.

[missyouhoney811]

Guests - I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know the hurt you are feeling and the thought of not wanting to be here alone. Missing him and wanting him back. The responsibility taking care of the children. Our son was 24 when his father died. He more or less was trying to take care of me. Although, he does not live with me. Remember we are strong women and we tend to handle everything even death. My John died on 8/11/06 I still miss him terribly and I feel that I always will. He was the love of my life for 35 years. I continue to talk to him and I feel him with me in spirit. This is the right place to be. Post when you can. I hope your day is peaceful.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I did not check my power ball tickets as of yet they are still in the car..........but I played in PA 385, 3085 and 8035...........more money for my trips 8035 came out giving me $2,600.00. John did not play the numbers but he would always tell me to play 385........but I would always turn it into a big four. Does anyone else play the lottery or am I the only gambler? LOL

Mary Jo - How was your job working at the beer garden? I thought it was a good way to break up your evening. Any laughter in the bar?

Michele - I remember the way my son took care of his room at that age UGH.....I fought with him sooooooooooo much until one day I gave up. I would walk through his room with blinders on. I no longer picked up after him if certain shirts, pants did not make it to the washer it was his problem not mine. If he liked living like a pig Oh Well - once again it was his problem. He did learn a lesson. Mom was not his slave. He also learned to use the washer and the iron. I was tough but it worked out for the best. They do gradually grow out of that stage. THANK GOD

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

omg get out!!!!!!

my curiosity had me wondering so I went and googled.

did you play the pick 4?!?! the # is 8035 for last night!!!!!!!!! or is that what you already won?

http://www.palottery.state.pa.us/

you need to seriously teach me how to do this! lol.

I am not a gambler but DH was. he won almosr $30,000 in 2 days one time at the nearby indian casino. he went back several times and won more on the same machne (dollar machine) also he would always win in Vegas too a times. I hate losing money though!

[missyouhoney811]

April, that is the number I hit on last night. I have to go to the grocery store and collect my winnings. I started once again playing every day.........I have a slush fund from my winnings so I never take from house money...I am a gambler but not a crazy one. I base all my numbers from house numbers, license plates, year of births and the last four numbers of the social security on close family. If their is a favorite number that is a daily three pick I will play it but I will also turn it into a daily four because that is where the money is. I think I mentioned in the past in 1996 I hit big enough to take six months off from work. That was the last year that John walked before he became paralyzed. I believe everything happens for a reason. I really enjoy going up against the odds. I also play triples and quads. A few years back I hit three days in a row. Although I enjoyed the money it was a little spooky. The one night I had the pick three and the four. You start to wonder. My dad was lucky.....perhaps I get my luck from him.

I was outside mulching again........I enjoy being out there........So peaceful.

I had alot of caregivers day to day in out of this house. I actually never had time to take a relaxed bath or shower for that matter. What had to be done for me was always rushed due to all the people coming to take care of John. So right now it is very strange not having John and the buzzing of people at the house.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

I still have to check on the power ball numbers in the car....................

[missyouhoney811]

April - If you have fear for losing money it is better not to gamble. When I play I am totally positive that I will win. Sometimes in the lottery line you hear people say "I know I won't win I am just wasting my money" - I reply if you have that attitude don't play. When you talk like that I believe you bring on the negative forces. John always believed that I would one day get the power ball......It has to go to someone.........Peace

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

that's so awesome Dorothy! my DH used to play lottery but never won there. I do have some favorite numbers. maybe I should try to play those?

I also am going to become a numerologist (I'm studying right now) so maybe I will have better luck when I know more about #'s!!!!

I have never played lottery though. just scratch off's. I don't even know how you do lottery tix? do you just get the ticket and fill in the #'s? how many #'s is powerball? 5? is there a way to buy tix online do you know?

I don't have any money to lose but I could spare a $1 or $2! maybe I will get lucky!

[missyouhoney811]

April - The powerball is up to 20 Million............If you think numbers and play around with them I believe you will win...I do not like the scratch tickets that to me is wasting. I rather play with my own numbers. The power ball you pick 5 numbers plus the power ball. I believe it is in at least 24 states. You can pick your own numbers or let the computer pick. When I hit big in 1996 that was a computer pick...Good Luck

Peace,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I am sure if you can buy on line......I will check..

[missyouhoney811]

correction............I am not sure about on line purchase....Sorry

[rodless]

I'm finally up and going. Let my dog out early and conked on the couch. The beer garden was fun. Lots of action but my hands still tingle from reaching in tubs of ice water and fishing out cans. I stayed and helped clean up so it was early morning when I got home.

I have decided to go out with friends Saturday night to eat and to a local concert. I probably won't feel any different on 7/7 than I will on 7/6 or 7/8. I think I struggled more in May when I realized I had passed the one year mark of his last night at home in our bed before the ordeal in the hospital. He did come home for his final week but it was to a hospital bed and like Dorothy said, a lot of caregivers so we never had a normal life after May 16.

I know you're all here for me and it's a wonderful feeling. We will all get through this at our own time table and in our own way but what a tiring ride. Mary Jo

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, it sounds like you are turning into a PARTY ANIMAL LOL..........I think it is good that you are going out with friends on saturday. It does not matter where you will be he will always be in your heart.

On John's year I will be flying back from Vegas that evening.

Have a peaceful day.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Hey everyone...I'm feeling a bit sick today, I woke up this morning an emotional mess, but it's turning out that at least some of it is that I have a summer cold/flu thing. I just cleaned out my fridge because it's warm here and it felt good to be bodily in the cold fridge for a while! I went to see my friend in the hospital Friday nite, probably picked something up there...or from a friend who's been sick as well.

Dorothy, you have amazing luck with the lottery! Wish I could get Ishaq to give me some tips from the other side, but as his sister pointed out to me, he didn't care much about having money when he was in a body, so it's unlikely he'd care about it now!

Mary Jo, I'll be thinking of you on the 7th for sure. Our dates are close, with Ishaq's being on the 28th of July. I know like some of you have said, the anticipation might be worse than the actual day. I'm still dreading it though, just remembering how happy we were that morning when he drove off to go rafting, and then he never came home again. So many plans. And I'm certainly a different person in a lot of ways now than I was then...I've been realizing that it's not up to me to keep doing everything exactly as he did it, as applys to the Sufi community and all. He was a great teacher and he has lots of students he's passed that knowledge and transmission to. Realizing that I didn't have to keep trying to walk in his shoes took a huge weight off my shoulders. I think this second year will be more exploring who Anna is, even though that feels scary to say. And Ishaq will be with me always, I know we'll still communicate the way we have these past eleven months. But I have to make my own life now too.

Sorry to ramble...hope you all had a peaceful weekend,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- i totally feel the second year has been about finding myself again! hang in there!

Dorothy- I don't think I can get lottery tix online! darn! (I was hoping not to drag the 2 kiddos to get them!) I need to get them by Wed right? what time? lol.

[sweetwilliam]

Boy have I lost ground lately...I am not sure why I feel so sad, but one of you posted how tiring this all is and that pretty much sums it up for me. I start the day just exhausted, continue feeling like not a thing matters and end feeling emotionally drained from all the crying. Some life, right? I am trying really hard to pull myself together by Wed. when my best friend arrives from Atlanta for a visit. We grew up next door to each other and he knows me better than anyone, so I will not be able to fake it. Yet, I really want to enjoy his visit, not spend all the time crying on his shoulder. His wife is such a sweetheart, she has already made plans with my 21 year old daughter to go shopping in Chicago, so Hugh and I can just be alone. Any tricks you have used that brings about a better mood change? Susan

[armaiti]

Susan - I don't know if this helps, but usually when things get bad for me I walk in nature, look at the beauty around me, remember how much Ishaq loved being outdoors, and the good times we had on our trips exploring the mountains and rivers...I do find that when I have friends here that really understand, like his sister and her husband, that it is easier, so maybe your friend's visit will actually help. There's no timeline here, I'm coming up on one year in a few weeks, and I still wake up exhausted sometimes and have bad nights and days.

I also try to do my breathing and meditation practices, though I'm sporadic lately. Just been tired out from this summer cold/flu thing. I woke up this morning and sat up and the room was spinning so I had to lay down again. Hopefully this will pass soon. I'd hoped to sleep in a bit but my kitten came yowling at 7 am because the food dish level was too low! These cats are keeping me trained.

I also lose myself in "comfort videos" - watching re-runs of shows I loved to watch with Ishaq on DVD, or movies I've seen before and enjoyed. And I put music on that is soothing as well, and that helps mood wise a bit.

Hope this helps a little bit,

Anna

[amberi]

Hi everyone, been a few days since I’ve been able to log on. I am very angry today and needed somewhere to vent.

I was cleaning my husband’s bedroom while the kids are back east. Trying to get it back to how we had it before the separation. I found stashed beer cans and it was very upsetting. My husband told me when he was in rehab that if you ever saw him pick up a beer then he was most defiantly using again. I am so F***ing frustrated.

I guess this is also making it hard for me to get out of the denial stage. It’s been a month and a half and I still don’t think he is gone.

This is also the month of my daughter’s 14th anniversary, so that is going to be hard hers is the 17 and Al's two month is the 19th.

I am missing my kids terrible, but they say they are having a blast and are so happy I let them go. I am happy for them but am defiantly ready for next week to get here. And for the terror threat level to go back down.

Any ways so glad to see u all it’s very helpful to me.

Take care,

Amber

[aprilmoonflower]

Amber- I hear you. My DH was doing cocaine when he died. I had no idea (I Have never used it and lnow really nothing about it). the sheriff didn't even tell me for 6 weeks! I am sooo mad at him still. and even MORE mad at myself for being so blind and not knowing. what an idiot I am! and also what a freaking waste. plus I didn't know my husband at all apparently! what a jerk! it was such a slap in the face to know he squandered away are only savings too. when he died there was $15 left in our savings (The previous withdrawal being the night he died). he always said he's take care of us, but what a liar! yeah, I guess you can say I have issues. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again!

[amberi]

thank you so much god I really am not alone, I asm so pissed.

I swear if I couldnt come here and people respond I would go nuts. Al did the same thing the nmight before he went to the hospital.

thanks again

amber

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[sweetwilliam]

Amber & April, so sorry you have to feel these feelings on top of your loss - some times life really does suck...

Anna, I did take your advise and took a very long walk along the beach with my dog. It was raining, so at first I thought I would just go for an hour, but ended up spending close to four hours. My dog is 13 years ols, so he needed times to just rest. This was good, since I just looked across the lake and did remember all the special times Bill and I spent on the beach. I have thought of watching some of the movies we loved or listening to our favorite music, but have been too afraid that it would send me off the deep end. Maybe tonight I'll start by listening to some of the music and see if that helps. I think you are right about my friend's visit helping - even if I end up being an emotional mess. Hugh's parents and my parents all died within 14 months of each other. Since we grew up togther, we were very close to each other's parents and felt like we were losing family. At the time, I know we did find comfort in just being together. Hugh and Bill were great friends, so if there is one person I know I can be myself with, it is him. Thank you, Anna, for all your concern. Susan

[aprilmoonflower]

Yeah it kind of sucks. I knew something was going on with my DH but he was stressed becuase of debt and having another baby (2 in 2 years). Looking back all the signs were so clear though (massive moods swings, even bloody kleenex in the garbage, being broke all the time when he was making almost 6 figure salary!) I'm soooo stupid! He was a good guy, and I could see how he could have gotten into it too, but I am so mad at him! what was he even thinking? (apparently he wasn't!) I wish I had known obvoiusly. though I think we would have ended up divorced truthfully if it had continued. I without a doubt would have left him. which would have broke broth our hearts. His parents were really embarrased and don't like me to talk about the drug use. period. I don't care though. Am I just supposed to forget it? NO WAY IN HELL! The cops don't know for certain if drug use caused his accident, it was deemed accidental. they don't know what happened as he died going 40 miles an hour on a dirt road (they suspect his rear tire blew out and he wasn't wearing a seatbelt and the car hit a tree, it happened at 1am and no one found him until nearly 7am. no witnesses and just a skid mark. the position he died in of asphyxiation (sp?) as he hit his head and got into a position he wasn't able to breathe in. such a waste and such a dumb way to die! I still drive the car in disbeleif he actually died in there! I still can't beleive it!

[missyouhoney811]

Good Morning Girls, I hope everyone has a peaceful 4th of July. Last year on the 4th I had a terrible hot dog at the hospital. It doesn't seem possible that it is almost a year. It still is a maze for me.

I am meeting my friend Celeste this morning and we are going to a parade. I believe we are also meeting up with her sister (sisters). One problem I hate parades the only parade I ever enjoyed was the Mickey Mouse Parade in Orlando, Florida.................I am trying to do a variety of things. Who knows maybe I will enjoy it. My clock just went off 6:00 AM - song playing My Heart Will Go On. John's talking to me. I have a problem with the month of July...........7/8/97 that is when John became paralyzed. Not too happy this morning. My other clock just went off - Save the Best for Last. Once again the clocks should not start to play until 8:00 AM.................. Who really has control of the clocks in this house? I better get going I still have to take my shower, walk the dog and be on the road by 7:15 AM. Peace to all..........

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

April, how old are your chidren? I am so sorry you had to go through all the problems when your husband died. I can understand the mixed emotions that you must have. You are a very strong person. God Bless you and the children.

I am so glad that I went to the parade. It lasted almost three hours. On our way to the parade stopped at one house had coffee, sweet rolls, fruit,yogurt. The main house at the location where the parade was they cooked out for everyone. What a spread of food and beverages. So many people. I can actually say it feels good being included with all the new found friends.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Hi, I spent the day shopping..lots of sales going on at Macys and other stores so I went and got some new shoes and pants (the shoes are Skechers with Buddhas on the top - pretty unique!) I road my scooter and also went for a bike ride, picked some cherries at a friend's house and got a lot of errands done. This was never a big holiday for Ishaq and I so it didn't bring up a lot of stuff for me. Usually we went to an event called Art and the Vineyard, but it's not happening till this weekend. And Ishaq's son and his wife are coming down on Saturday so that will be a nice visit. Summer is getting busy again with the Oregon Country Fair, then Ishaq's one year (Urs) ceremony, and then Sufi Camp two weeks later.

I'm gardening a lot - smarting from a wasp sting I got the other day still - and still working on redoing the house. I haven't gotten out to sell my wares yet, that always seems overwhelming to think about...maybe after the summer calms down a bit...

Hope you all had a peaceful holiday,

Anna

[rodless]

Just came in from walking the dog. Susan, I find a lot of comfort in doing that, especially at night when the stars are out. We came back in when the neighbors started shooting fireworks. They are illegal in this state but doesn't seem to stop some people. I just hope a stray doesn't land in my yard or on my roof...it's so dry here.

Amber & April... I am glad you can express your anger here and have an outlet. We'll listen anytime. Anna, I think your nature activites and location sound wonderful.

4th was ok. I had friends over for supper. We were going to play cards but ended up yakking. Broke up early because of work tomorrow. Holidays are always nicer on Friday or Monday. I also hit some sales last weekend. Great time to shop. Not as much fun as Rod always took an interest in my clothes and my bargain hunting. A year ago he started running a fever and I knew we were in trouble. He died 3 days later. Sometimes seems like yesterday, others like is was eons ago. He seems exepcially close to me right now. Just have to get through Saturday. I can already see anticipation is worse than the day will be. After all what difference does it make? A day..a month, a year, ten years whatever. I will always miss him and my life will never be the same. Peace to all. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- my kids are 3 and 23 motnhs (they were 2 weeks and 17mo when DH died) yeah I get angry, regardless of how it sounds from my writing I am pretty past it. most of the time anyway! there's really not much I can do anyway now and no sense in STAYING mad but I have little fits of anger here and there..oh well.

I'm glad you had fun at the parade and were surrounded by new friends! that's so great! we went to see fireworks and had a picnic, that's about all it's like 110 here today!

in other news my chickens are starting to lay! yay! we have 5 baby ducklings too. they are 5 weeks old and so sweet.

[aprilmoonflower]

here is my article I wrote. it's not that great though. lol. I am going to rewrite a new one from a personal persepective. I am just getting into writing articles, so it's a start! btw the pic is one DH and I took. it was where we met. we had to go back years later and find the exact beach we went to that day.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/297293/coping_with_the_loss_of_your_partner.html

(if it's against the board policy to post this I apologize and will remove it just lmk)