I Miss Him So...

[sweetwilliam]

Dorothy,

I agree with Anna - that was a message from John!! For some reason I have been reading a quote over and over today from Mother Teresa: "Lord, give me an open heart to find You everywhere, to glimpse the heaven enfolded in a bud, and to experience eternity in the smallest act of love." I think at times my grief stops me from noticing the "signs"...

I have three daughters - 33, 30 and 21. The two oldest are married and the youngest just came home from college to spend the summer with me a couple of weeks ago. Without knowing it, both of my oldest daughters relayed a dream they each had that were identical. In the dream I am walking with our dog along the beach near our home. Each daughter told me that she and her father are walking together and talking while they are watching me and our dog go in and out of the water. Then, my husband turns to my daughter and says "Your mother is so beautiful, you know we fell in love the day we met - that is the day I feel my life began." My oldest daughter told me about this dream, while she and her husband were on vacation shortly after my husband passed. My second daughter told me about this dream just last week. Neither of my daughters knew they had the same dream, until I told them. They are both now convinced it was their father's way of telling them he is still with me, as I take my daily walks along the beach with our dog.

I hope they are right...

Susan

[amberi]

Phoenixmaid - I wanted to say Im sorry for your loss, my son too is 10 and my daughtrer 15. but my son is doing the same thing, wants to die if he gets a cut he wants to cut off his arm. I came here to get guidence. I actually went to loss of a parent board and just wrote to your son. but that was where I went to seek help for him. I found that hospice has great support groups and one on one.

I too feel none of my friends understand they try to be supportive but just dont get it.

I am on my way to a spouses hospice group. Hope it goes well.

Keep coming here my husband has been gone for four weeks and I came here at two weeks also and it helps.

god bless

Amber

[susanbruce]

Really lonely and sad tonight. Missing his smile, his voice, his laugh, holding his hand, trying to figure out why this has happened. It's been 14 months now. The pain isn't so raw but reality bites. I love you Bruce, today more than yesterday, tomorrow more than today.

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy- that is so cool about the dove! also neat to know doves symbolizes getting through difficulty. there is actually a house nearby me that has doves (I never noticed it until after DH died) one day I had to do a double take while driving down the road, because there was a flock of them flying around this house..I have since seen them a few more times circling that house.. (they must keep them or something?)

Susan- sorry you are having a bad day. I hope you feel better in the morning..

Darlene- I wondered where you were. glad to hear things are well.

btw- they say grief ages a person, right? (whoever "they" are, rolling eyes here)Anyhow, just for fun, I took a test at realage.com and I am only 9 months older than my actual age! prettty good, i think? I was actually surprised as some days I feel like I am twice my age.lol. I'll be 33 next month.

also, in 2 days I will be older than my DH was when he died...sooo weird. and yet another crazy milestone to get through..

[missyouhoney811]

April - When John made it through the surgery in 1997 (when he became a paraplegic)he had to go to a rehabilitation hospital for 4 1/2 months for therapy. While he was there I gave him a musical statue with two white doves on it. The wording --- Our Love Will Last For Eternity. The music was Bette Midlers - "Wind Beneath My Wings" - The statue was one of the items that I put in John's casket. Yesterday, was the first time I actually saw flying white doves. They were ever so beautiful.

You are still so very young. When I was thirty three I was trying to get pregnant. I had my son two months shy of being thirty five. I think we all have days we feel older. Going through grief is far from being a picnic. It's very hard work.

Susanbruce - I am so very sad you had a bad evening. I woke up crying again this morning. I guess when we have the good days we should enjoy them to the best of our ability. Lord knows we will come crashing down again.

Peace and Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Susan - The dreams your daughters had are wonderful. I do believe in dreams and I do believe our husbands spirits are still with us. If by chance there is a way they can help us, they will. I love the quote from Mother Teresa. Thanks for sharing it.

What type of dog do you have and what city, state is your home?

Anna - Perhaps, John and Ishag are in cahoots on the other side together. Maybe that is the reason we both feel them so close in spirit with us. We must believe - There has to be something else - we can't just die and that's the end. Maybe I have read too many books. I believe in so many things now that I never thought I would or could........Your house will probably be lonely without your guests.

Good Luck restarting your diet.......

Darlene - Happy to know that you are well. I was actually starting to worry about you. Its great that you found a new friend.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[rodless]

susanbruce.. I so understand how you are feeling. I bounce along for a few days doing ok and then it hits me. Hope today will be better. Mary Jo

[amberi]

To all.. your postings are really helping me alot. I just feel like Im losing my mind some days. n today is one of them.

Tonight at 9:13pm it will be one month that my husband passed away in front of my eyes. I am still in absolute denial, and straight up pissed off about it.

My kids seemed to do ok on fathers day. they just didnt want to go to stores or see commercials. understandable. My son is having his first counseling appt. today and he is not happy with me. He says he doesnt want to go. I can understand I went to my first spouse group last night and I was the youngest person there. Most of the people were elderly and kind of expected their spouses passing. I sat there getting more fustrated, but I know in time this group will help, I feel I must have felt this way with my daughter but Hell who knows. I just want to scream. I do have a camping trip this weekend planned and I hope that bit of non-reality will help me out. we shall c.

thank you all for being here this really helps me get it out. Cant do this in front of my kids but know I need somewhere to do it.

thanks again

Amber

[cheryl36]

I am sorry to keep imposing on you all, but I have a question, and I can't seem to understand it, maybe you all can make sense of it. I have had 2 different dreams that I can remember of my Scott. The fitst one I was in a crowded room kinda like a bar, And I could see Scott, but he wouldn't talk to me, and He looked right at me. I kept grabbing for him and he kept moving away from me. I kept calling his name and he would just look at me and smile.

Then I had another dream where he and I were standing on a boat together, and He told me he loved me and hugged me, and then he told me to go home. I just don't understand the meaning (if there is one) of those dreams. I can only remember those 2 dreams of him. And those came about 1 year after his death, and the boat dream happened about 1 week ago. I'm sorry if this doesnt make any sense to any of you. And maybe I'm just having wishful dreams? Help

Cheryl

[aprilmoonflower]

cheryl36- I am not so good at interpreting dreams. Truthfully I've never thought much of it. it's funny you ask this though as I have been having very disturbing violent nightmares latley..so weird! here is a site I just found that looks really interesting..have'nt read through it all yet but thought I'd pass it along. (you will need to cut and paste this or type it in your browser) scroll down and there is a section specifically about dreams and grief. http://www.patriciagarfield.com/

and btw you are never imposing at all by asking questions! that's what we all are here for!

Amber- you are so in the thick of it right now. sending you lots of love & light tonight. (((hugs)))

[cheryl36]

APRIL: You are an angel, I will go and check out that site! may GOD be with you, and everyone else too.

Cheryl

[rodless]

I get frustrated with dreams. If Rod's in them he's always moving away or I can't reach him. Only once did I feel a hug and reassurance. Do you suppose that's our unconsious telling us that they have moved on and although they care about us, we need to deal with it?? I have many bizarre dreams and attribute them to medication but just once I'd like to see him healthy and with me.

Sorry for those of you who have had to come to this place and who are so new to this pain. It changes as you go. In my case it's turned into a dull relentless ache. Only once in awhile do I have that gut-wrenching searing pain, but when I do it still hurts just like it did at first. Now the tears are quieter and as someone said, I don't howl so much anymore.

I never answered April's question about books. The ones that have helped me the most are Quiet Times for Those Who Need Comfort, Getting to the other Side of Grief and Grieving Forward. Most have a Christian background. But I also read a fiction A Summer of Her Own that really had some things to say to me. It's about a widow and her search for peace.

I had a guy at the library tell me last night that "You'll find another man" when I was talking about yard work. As if that would solve all my problems!! I about slapped him although he meant well. One of those whose been married forever and can't imagine life any other way.

Today was ok. Long time at the pool...wish I could never surface! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Hey everyone...

House does seem empty without Carol and Chris here. I was getting into a regular routine, getting up and making coffee and putting together breakfast for them. I loved having someone to cook for again,Carol said she probably gained a couple of pounds the week she was with us, though she is pretty skinny to begin with. Just like her brother, though he was tall she isn't so tall. We had good talks about Ishaq and many other things. They are always totally supportive of me and my process and are always telling me "you're doing a great job" in the way I'm doing stuff.

For me too, it's mostly like a dull ache all the time. Bittersweet when I see or hear something that reminds me of things we did together. I still have trouble some days doing much of anything, and now it's almost 11 months.

Cheryl, the dreams you had seem like he was visiting you. I believe that when we go to sleep, our consciousness can travel to other realms, and I know I've been there with Ishaq, and he and I talk. Early on I think our partners are still learning how to communicate with us, and some get better at it as time goes on. So that you had a dream more recently where he could talk to you makes sense.

Mary Jo - you showed great restraint, that guy is so clueless! And I'm sorry you don't have good dreams with Rod. I think you are right, it could be medication, even when I was taking herbal sleep pills my dreams could be strange or I might not remember them.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[sidvis]

Amberi, I can remember being so put out because all of the widow/widower groups were full of "old" people. They would talk about their grandchildren and I would silently scream inside. I think it just reinforced for me the unfairness of it all. My husband was a young man, he was not supposed to die! I would think to myself how lucky those people were to have so many years with their soul-mate. What were they complaining about.......Oh, well. I learned as I went along it is never easy to lose your best friend. It doesn't matter what the age. I just wanted you to know I relate to what you are feeling. Hang in there. It sounds like you are a strong person. The camping trip is a wonderful idea. May it bring you some peace.

[justamom]

Good Morning girls, I have had a very rough couple of days. Father's day hit me like a truck. I cried all day long. My boys did okay though - maybe they thought that I was wacked out enough for all of us! On Friday I am meeting the boy (and his parents) that was driving the car that killed my husband. I wish that I could identify how I am feeling about the whole thing but honestly I think that I am kind of numb. I am trying to write him a letter so I don't feel all the presure to say everything that I want to when I meet him but I am struggling. How do you know what to say to the 16 (now 17) year old child that derailed your life? I need some inspiration.

Hocky Boy has been out of town for more than a week and I was gone before that - so it has been almost 3 weeks since I have seen him. I really have missed him which is surprising to me. My family all says that it is a good thing that I miss him - It must mean that I like him alot?! It is all so weird. I still wonder how in the heck this happened to me - my life was planned, set, on the "right" track and now?! Just feeling a little battered this morning. Hope you all are doing okay. Take care, Lisa

[rodless]

Lisa, battered would be a minor way of saying it. I read all those magazine articles on how people have forgiven others who caused the death of loved ones. I don't know if I could do it.. it would take me a long time to come to terms. Will be thinking about you on Friday. Take your time with hockey boy. I dated Rod almost 5 years before we married because of my kids. I'm not sorry.

I've been working with a book I got on Amazon called I remember you. It's set up to be a grief journal/scrapbook. Has quotes and illustrations and it has helped me a lot to think things through. I journal all the time but this is like a special message from me to Rod about this past year. I've been using some stickers, stamps and drawings. It has been a good thing for me. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Lisa- wow, this is sooo huge! no advice really, but just remember to breathe.. ((hugs)) I will be sending much positive thoughts your way and hope you gain some clarity from this meeting. whatever happens, it's not going to change anything except how you feel and that's ok..I hope it is healing for both of you.

[missyouhoney811]

Lisa, I could not meet with the person that is responsible for destroying my life. Who cares what his age is. When you are behind the wheel of a car you should have good judgement. God be with you when you meet him.

Good luck with hockey boy......

Sidvis - I joined a few church groups for grieving. I did not last long with any of them. I believe this site was the best thing for me. As far as being in a group with people alot older than you............I think (sometimes) they should check the ages. Although, I am 60 (not considered an old 60) the groups I was with were also mixed. Some were very young to very very old. I lost interest in the groups very fast. I felt as if I was wasting my time and could do better on my talking to people at random. One thing for sure if you are truly in love it does not matter if you have your soulmate for one year or 50+ years. The heart breaks the same. No matter how long you are together if just is not long enough.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[amberi]

Cheryl 36- my daughter and I were talking about this last night. From what I have been told and it WILL SOUND OFF THE WALL(but its what I think) is the one in the bar sounds familiar that he is visiting you but he cant come to you, what I was told is that if you walk with him you can pass away ( I know freaky) but the day my daughter passed away she said she had a dream about her grandpa and he told her to go with him, she said she was walking with him and woke up, that day she passed away. Im not trying to scare you but I think there are different types, I think the one holding you is to let you know he is there for you and will help you but you didn’t walk with him. Take them as signs of support his way of saying he is ok and he is with you. Sorry so wacky!

Sidvis – thanks for the support, at times I feel it would be harder if we were older cuz then there is more time and memories but then I think about the memories we don’t get to share anymore like last night my daughter had her first open road drive I let her drive down a road that isn’t to busy but enough cars to make her a little nervous. When we got home we both wanted to run in and tell him and we stopped and looked at each other and said well I guess he was with us huh. I know it’s hard no matter what but thanks for letting me bend ears. And I hope no one got offended by my comments about elderly or the dreams I don’t mean anything bad by it, just a young scared widow (man I don’t like that word).

Thanks again

amber

Ps, last night was one month and we had a really good time, me and the kids talked until 1am about all kinds of stuff, had candles lit and pictures around, laughed and cried. It was really special. Just wanted to share.

[amberi]

justamom- I had a friend back in high school that was drunk driving and he killed two children and a wife, the father survived and so did my friend. I was so shock that the father forgave him I just couldnt believe it. It takes an amazing person to do what you are doing my thoughts and prayers are with you. And Im sure your loving husband will be right there too. Just do what feels right at the time. Thats all any of us can do. take care and hang in there.

God Bless

Amber

[armaiti]

Amber-Don't worry about saying what you want here, I don't think any of us are easily offended by much of anything! I do want to say, I've walked with Ishaq in the dream/dimensional places, in fact I've done a lot of things with him, he's taken me places and shown me many things, and I'm still here. Just don't want you to be scared if you have a dream with your beloved visiting you and he wants you to walk with him somewhere.

Lisa, this is a huge thing you are doing! As for inspiration, I'll say it too - just breathe. One of our Sufi practices are to breathe in mercy and breathe out compassion, I don't know how well I could do that with someone who took my beloved's life as well. I guess it would depend on the circumstances. You are a very brave woman!

I managed to work in the garden for an hour and a half this morning before the allergies got me, it's slow going but I feel I'm making progress. I'm realizing I want to put in more flowers and less vegetables this year and next. I love the color of the flowers blooming now.

Take care everyone,

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

lisa...

my heart will be with you on friday.....as will all of ours, i'm sure. I think it's amazing that you are meeting him, i don't know if i could be that brave. please let us know how it goes.

amber, it is hard to not have your love here for all those milestones...you are so early in your grief, and there will be a lot. But it does get..easier? maybe, certainly different. tomorrow is 17 months for me and tom's birhday...the second one we've had to endure. i don't know what we'll do, we'll see. father's day was pretty painless, but my son graduated from middle school on friday and that was hard...a first.

also, even tho we are envious of those who had their husbands in their lives longer than us...their grief is no less hard. I am a widow, as are all of you and so many others, all struggling with the loss of our beloved partners...no matter how long we had them. I doubt it would be any easier if wehad them for 75 years, 20 years, or 1 year....it's all such a geat loss, and we all lose the rest of our lives with them, our plans and dreams.

hang in all..especially you lisa....let us know.

peace, michele

[cheryl36]

Listen ladies, I just wanted to say that you all are wonderful, and I mean wonderful women. Such bravery, I honestly don't know how you all do it. Today is not a very good day for me, I hear song after song today that has done nothing but make me cry. Even though I I have new love interest in my life, I long to hold Scott, and I don't know how I'm going to handle his birthday which is coming up July 10. I am sorry I am not much help for you all today, and I want you all to know that its not that I don't care, I very much do care, I'm just not worth a sh-- today. God love you all, And I so hope that everyones day is much better then mine.

Love to you all

Cheryl

[missinmyhubby]

What do I do,

Now that I’m on my own?

What we did together

Beats anything I’ve done alone.

Since the day that you left,

I’ve been asking myself,

Is this how it’s gonna be?

Without you,

What do I do with me?

I don’t want to go out,

But I just can’t stay home.

I don’t need company,

But I sure don’t want to be alone.

And to tell myself that I’m doin’ well,

Is only makin’ believe,

Without you,

What do I do with me?

Without you,

Where do I go?

Where do I turn?

I’d sure like to know.

What do I do,

With all of our plans?

And how do I spend

All this time on my hands?

I’ve tried everything,

I’ve been rackin’ my brain.

It must be as bad as it seems.

Without you,

What do I do with me?

Without you,

What do I do with me?

By: Tayna Tucker

[cheryl36]

VOWS

What do you do

When your life comes unglued

in a minute's eye

Your praying into the sky

Hoping things get better

So you can get on with your lives

Once you've been handed this time frame

to deal with

you go, cry, and pray it's a myth

you do all you can to save the life

you vowed to share

And in the end you are the only one

who really cared

Alone you sit over long periods of time

wishing, wondering, and saying he is still mine

Though he has gone to heaven and no

longer in pain,

You sit everyday still feeling the same

But the one thing you know will never

ever change

Is the love, purity, and those vows

You still hold in your heart will never fade

By: Cheryl Auxier

[sweetwilliam]

Cheryl,

"Alone you sit over long periods of time wishing, wondering, and saying he is still mine." WOW - that says it all!! I am sure not even near saying he is still not with me, even after 16 weeks...

As far as dreams, I think they all do have meaning. Some I even think are telling us something. My husband and I lost our baby son (Adam) the day he was born, three months too soon. He would have been 27 on July 4. As you can imagine we were devasted, but were comforted by our two healthy daughters and said our family was complete. Then, after 2 years, my husband had dreams where Adam was about 5 years old with dark curls and holding the hand of a tiny blond haired girl with big blue eyes.

At first, my husband told me he thought Adam was just telling him he was okay. Then my husband, after having this same dream many times, said he was sure Adam was trying to tell him something with the tiny little blond girl. Finally, my husband said he thought Adam was telling him that we would have a third daughter and not to worry, I would carry her full term. That was the reason we did not want to chance another pregnancy, since the doctors told us the odds were high for me to deliver another premie. Then, we moved into another home. This is when my husbands dreams intensified. He had the same dream every night. So, we took a leap of faith and started trying to get pregnant. 7 months later, I got pregnant. Our third daughter was born full term, 9lb. 15 oz with blond curls and her father's beautiful blue eyes! My husband never had another dream about Adam after she was born.

Susan

[nancy55]

Tomorrow will be 2 years I

lost my husband, mike to lung cancer. That morning of June 21, I went to work; leaving Mike with his grown son, Shane to care for him. I was at work about 2 hours when Shane called and said I better come home; I said \"I am on my way not asking what was wrong?Iready knew. Mike was either dying at that very minute or in a coma. I drove myself home and as I was about 10 minutes from home, i stopped crying so hard, took a deep breathe and felt this overwhelming peace come over me. I slowed my car down, continued to drive home and just knew Mike had passed thru this earth. When i got home, my stepson met me at the car door..he said he's not in pain anymore..he is gone. I cried out and went into the house to see my Mike. He was sitting in his recliner, relaxed and gone. He have left me while I was at work..no he left me as I was driving home...exactly at 915am when I felt that warm comforting feeling. He was letting me know he was leaving,I can't explain that feeling. It's a sure sign their is a soul in all of us. Tonite as I am writing this, and crying...I am also listening to the song played at Mike's funeral. Making Memories of Us by Keith Urban; and Come Away with me by Nora Jones. This doesn't get any easier...you just learn to accept it more.

[sweetwilliam]

Michele,

You stated so well that becoming a widow (hate that word) at any age is unbearable. At 55, I did have 36 years with my husband. However, my neighbor just lost her husband after 62 years of marriage. Yet, another neighbor lost her husband last year to cancer after just 12 years of marriage.

My younger neighbor (37) has two young children and has just started dating a wonderful man. I am so happy that she has been able to find someone so special for her and her childrren. She told me on Monday that this new love of her life caught her off guard, since she thought she could never find love again, like she had.

Even with 36 years of marriage, my husband was a healthy, vibrant 56 year old man who had so much to live for. We had just made our final plans for how we were spending the rest of our lives. My husband was to retire in 6 weeks and we were going to spend our days together doing so many things that we never had time to do. Traveling to Italy to take a three week cooking course. Hiking in Alaska. Taking our granddaughter (8) and our grandson (3) on a trip out West to a Dude Ranch....that was only the start. So, even though we had 36 years, we had so many plans and so much "our time" planned. Like you said Michele, we have all lost our future with the one we loved...

Lisa I will be praying for you - hope you find some peace.

Susan

[mishknit]

so...

my son and i had planned to go out to dinner tomorrow night (it's tom's birthday), just us. Bear in mind he's 14 and quite the teenager.

anyway, he made plans to have some friends over tomorow and bowl and then play videogames, and then he made plans to go over to one of the friends homes swimming to orrow night. i asked how that would affect our dinner plans, he didn't know. I said, well, he;d have to decide about that...not thinking he'd decide to blow off our dinner plans! Now I'm stuck..i told him it was his choice, but, damn! I didn't mean it! UGH!!!

so, what the hell do i do now? (besides the obvious..not let him make the decision!). I don't think i can bear just sitting around here tomorrow night with nothing to do.....even though it's not such a big deal; as last year, it is a deal..you know?

dammit!!

help?

michele

[missyouhoney811]

Michele - Fourteen is a very tough age for the mother as well as the son. They really want to do their own thing but we still want some type of control over them. Try the truth with him. Tell him that it would make your day if he would at least share dinner with you in honoring his fathers birthday and memory. Afterwards he can meet with his friends. Maybe go to dinner a little earlier than plan. Hope things work out. If we lived closer I would go to dinner with you......

I actually went to a gathering last night at my new friends house. (Celeste) I could not believe when I arrived I was greeted by ten women (all different ages)with a hug. I had so much fun laughing I gave myself a headache and belly ache. It felt good. We ate, drank, talked and few of the girls went swimming. The spread of food was out of this world. When I was invited Celeste said it would be a few people and she would be serving dessert and a beverage. What a great time...........We were discussing what shows we would be going to while in Vegas.....The nice thing about going to the gathering I now know what type of person she is......totally crazy and I really enjoy her. It is a tough thing trying to find new friends later in life. When my John became sick all of my WONDERFUL FRIENDS stayed away.

Well, I must get ready for therapy. I already put two hours in my yard work today. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[sidvis]

All I know is the word, forward. Not backward. Forward. That is my mantra.

Peace

[winds60]

Hi All: Missing William so much these past few weeks. I feel so alone and empty inside, sometimes I just don't know what to do. I just wonder how people cope, its been 7 months & 12 days. My son and I went to his grave on Father's Day and laid some fresh flowers and shared our feelings and let our tears out. My sons have been great and helping out where they could. Some days are just so hard, especially when something in the house breaks down, my tears just come because William was always there to fix it. My family has been great support, but I don't want to impose on them everytime, I'm feeling down. We moved our trailer down to our camping ground for summer, my son and I stayed there on Saturday, it was a little hard, kept thinking of all times my husband and I would spend there. It's so hard some days, but I will continue on one day at a time. Going to our Aboriginal Day celebrations today, without my husband this year, hope I make it through it. Wish everyone a wonderful day. Winds60

[armaiti]

Michele, I don't have much experience with having kids, but always got along great with my friend's (and with Ishaq's) teenage kids...maybe because I had a hellish teenager-hood, so can identify! I agree with Dorothy, just tell him what's in your heart, and then let him make the decision. He may be trying to avoid feeling more pain around his dad's passing by trying to do other things that day. I'll keep you in my prayers that all works out and that he at least goes to dinner with you.

Today I read these words from Inayat Khan, who is the Sufi master that brought the lineage we follow to the west in the 1920's. There is a book, like daily meditations, and I get one emailed to me for each day. This one really touched me for today, hope no one minds I post it here:

"The soul is all light; darkness is caused by the deadness of the heart; pain makes it alive."

"Those who have avoided love in life from fear of its pain have lost more than the lover, who by losing himself gains all. The loveless first lose all, until at last their self is also snatched away from their hands. The warmth of the lover's atmosphere, the piercing effect of his voice, the appeal of his words, all come from the pain of his heart. The heart is not living until it has experienced pain. Man has not lived if he has lived and worked with his body and mind without heart. The soul is all light, but all darkness is caused by the death of the heart. Pain makes it alive. The same heart that was once full of bitterness, when purified by love becomes the source of all goodness. All deeds of kindness spring from it."

Today is Summer Solstice, so of course it is cloudy here! Ishaq and I would sometimes go for a swim on this day. There's actually a Sufi community house blessing for friends who are getting married soon, and a potluck after it, that I'm going to tonight. These are easier for me to be at as everyone there knew and loved Ishaq, many were his students who still miss him intensely.

I sent a email message out to Ishaq's kids on Father's Day, and his oldest son who lives in Oregon too emailed back and we're making plans for them to visit in July. I'm really happy his kids stay in touch with me.

Winds60 - what is your Aboriginal Day celebration? Sounds wonderful, hope you can still enjoy some of it. I've found going to events without Ishaq is hard too, especially ones we went to and enjoyed together.

Hope you all have some peace today,

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

thanks everyone...

as usual, writing helps, and putting it out also does. I have decided to accept that i gave him a choice and that this was it. I will be happy and positive and not make him feel guilty in even the tiniest little bit. He is agreat kid, very supportive, and moving ahead with our lives is what i want us to do.

I can always call a friend if i want to go out to dinner..i've had many offers....we'll see what the day brings.

and the anticipation thing? as usual, today has me feeling different, less stressed and panicked...a great sense of calm as a matter of fact. i miss him desperately, but honor this day as the day he was born, and thus was able to add so much to my life. what's bad about that?

thanks for all the input...i feel good about my decision, and about my son's

peace, michele

[amberi]

Today is a bad day, Alex's cousin decided to call and yell at me and continued to tell me I left Alex and should be humble that they are letting me live in my house. Told me thay should really get some gang girls to come and beat me down. That because we were seperated I didnt belong but because of my kids that is the only reason they are letting me stay. I hate my life and dont know what to do, there is no care that we were together for 18yrs and split up for 7mo. and they know we were working things out. But because one of Alex's friends found a letter Alex wrote back when we were fighting they are using that against me. I just dont know how Im going to get thru this.

Im mad at Alex and also miss him so much and I know he is probubly so upset about what is going on.well enough of my blubering.

I hope you all are having a better day then me.

take care all,

amber

[cheryl36]

Amber: I am so terribly sorry your having such a bad day. Please keep your head up. And try to take time-out for yourself. You know the relationship you had with your husband, and NO ONE can ever take that from you ever! You need to think of that everytime someone has something negative to say to you. I haven't spoke to Scott's family since the funeral. I only saw those people in court from where they all including Scott's daughter, trying to sue me. I was the only person with him when he passed, it was the most precious moment of my life and No one, not even those "idiots" can ever take that away. It will not always be this way for you. Your situation will change, I promise you this. As soon as you are strong enough to move forward, you will. Don't let anyone rush you either, move at your own pace.

Love to you

all

Cheryl

[aprilmoonflower]

Amber- if his family is treating you badly it may be time to cut contact (or limit it severely) it sooo is not worth the emotional hertache. I cut out most of my DH family over a year ago due to their nasty unacceptable behavior. to me they don't even exist anymore. their loss, not mine! (and boy is my life MUCH less stressful) life is too short! hang in there.

Micehele-it sounds like you are getting through the day ok. sending positive thoughts your way.

Anna- that's great you have such a good relationship with Ishaq's kids. Happy solstice btw!

Maryjo- thanks for the book rec's. still working on that article..lol. I am planning another about "Mothering through Grief" too.

[amberi]

Wow!! thank you both so much. To check in this morning and see that others went thru the same drama is such a huge relief. I mean I am deeply sorry that you also went thru this crap but I was feeling so alone yesterday I just didnt want to go on.

I am feeling better and am heading up to go meet my kids they left with thier godparents yesterday to go camping and now I get to go.

I just cant thank you all enough. I get on here everyday to see what is happening and knowing people are being so kind and careing makes me feel blessed.

I wish you all the best,

deep hugs to you all,

Amber

[lindat]

The last few days has been very frustrating and I was worried that the board would not be back. I have been doing webpages for many years and I am surprised and pleased that all of our messages were saved. I started a new message board at:

http://forums.delphiforums.com/missinghimso so that if this happens again we have a place to go - you do have to register, but it is free as long as you don't mind the ads. Hope all of you are doing okay, you have been in my prayers.

[precioustams]

I am so glad that the board is up again…tho I do not write on it a lot I do get a bit of comfort reading posts that others make because they allow me to feel as if I am not the only one experiencing these thoughts and ordeals. This last week has been just emotionally draining, we (Josephs mom and I) met with a lawyer earlier in the week because we have been told that there is a case against the doctors and we’re trying to establish what Josephs father has rights to. Joseph was only 22, no will but had life insurance, since they didn’t make him put a beneficiary cuz of his age, his life insurance is now being fought over because his dad, which was NEVER in his life, wants half. According to laws he is entitled to half which hits the nerve of both josephs mom and I and I know joseph as well…he hated his father for things he did to his mom and didn’t want anything to do with him and his father was never part of his life till joseph died then he was the first one to find out he even had life insurance since his mom and I didn’t even know he had it, and now he’s threatening to take belongings of joseph which are currently in my possession since we were living together…and is requesting half of everything that is worth any value to be sold. Josephs mom is fighting him because she thinks that joseph would have wanted me to be taken care of and that the money should pay his debts and the rent on our place till I move closer to his mom and what’s left should go to help pay off the wedding debt we established in my name. Since things were in my name cuz basically my credit card had a lower interest rate than his and we were going to pay it off this summer before our wedding it is considered my own debt, even tho we had joint accounts, a house, other debt together since we just put it on one or anothers name cuz it was OUR debt not one or the other, I mean we were getting married. But the other thing that hit hard was the fact that I am not considered anything to joseph, since we were not married I have no say in anything, it’s as if I don’t exist, a fiancé doesn’t count. The man that he hated the most in his life has more say than I do, a man that just wants his property for money reasons matters more than the person he intended to marry and have a future with, the one that was with him every day for the past three years, it just hurts so bad not to matter…I feel like I am discarded as nothing to him and what’s worse is we were going to get married this past March on our anniversary day, since this was the year it landed on a Saturday, but we postponed the wedding cuz everyone wanted more time to plan and we didn’t want it to interfere with my nursing classes, if we got married next year we could have a honeymoon and I would be close to out of school, so instead we threw a huge engagement party on our anniversary in March and waited to have the wedding next March...and now it feels as if we were punished for being responsible…oh and then there’s the day I have been dreading…the day I have to pick up my wedding dress…how am I suppose to do that..pick up my beautiful dress..the one I imagined walking down the isle in and seeing josephs face filled with such joy and happiness..i just knew he would tear up..the one I raced to try on over and over at the bridal shop but never made it to my wedding day…the lady won’t hold it there any longer and I have not a clue what I should do with it, do I keep it, do I sell it??? I really don’t know. This is the dress I picked for what was suppose to be the best day of my life, the day I would marry my prince charming and now I don’t have a clue what to do with it…I wish some things came with instructions, a guide book, anything, I’m just not sure how I am suppose to do it all…things are sooo unbelievably hard all the time…

~Tamara

[missyouhoney811]

Thank God the board is up again.......I though I lost all of you forever. Lord did I miss reading the posts. It is 7:00 AM and I am on my way to the gym. I will talk to you later.........So happy the site is back.

Prayers and Blessings to all...................

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

hi ladies! so what happened, the server crashed or what? I think we should exchange emails just in case! mine is az _ mama @ hotmail . com (no spaces) thankfully i have anna's and the beyond_widowhood list is still there at yahoo.lol. I know some of the ladies here signed up to it. if you are interested in joining email me! linda I will sign up for your board too, just in case!

btw I found griefnet.org and found 2 more lists to join that are looking promising, during this, so that was a good thing! (they have almost 50 to choose from!)

[sweetwilliam]

Tamara, So sorry you are going through so much stress with Joseph's father. As far as your wedding dress - it sounds like you have a close relationship with Joseph's mother, so I would ask her to come along when you pick up the dress. I think you should not sell it. Maybe in the future you may decide to sell the dress, but I think for now you should keep it.

My prayers are with you,

Susan

[armaiti]

Tamara, I'm so sorry you are going through all this right now! It really annoys me how if we aren't "officially" married we aren't considered legally partners. In some states I would be considered Ishaq's common law wife as we were together over 10 years, but not Oregon. So when he passed I couldn't get his SSI, which would have helped. He had a will leaving everything to me though, so it made dealing with the life insurance and pension pretty simple. I'll keep you in my prayers that things work out for you.

I'm so glad this board is back too! My email is ishaqanna@earthlink.net, if anyone wants to have it so we can get in touch with each other if this board disappears again. I'd hate to think I couldn't get hold of you guys again!

I'm finding myself on a real emotional rollercoaster as the anniversary of Ishaq's passing gets closer. I have really good days then I'll have a really depressed day. I got up at 5 am today and watched the end of a movie and then went back to bed and slept till after 10, woke up with a nasty headache that is finally left. Sometimes I feel like Ishaq is so close to me, and sometimes he seems so far away, like I'll never have contact with him again...I had a dream a while back where we were talking and I asked him would he always be with me like this in that space, for the rest of my life. He smiled, and in his typical Ishaq way said "yes and no". Well, he's not bound by time and space so why should I expect a finite answer,right?

On the second week of my diet and physically I'm feeling much better, having more energy and getting out and walking on these beautiful summer days. When I stand on the bridge overlooking the river that runs a block from our house, I see all that beauty and it makes me feel peaceful. I'm working on the house and redecorating and working on my art, and that helps too. But nothing can change how much I miss my Ishaq.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Tamara- I had to come back too and tell you that you really should fight his father. that sounds so not right. especially when you had joint accounts and all! don't give him/sell any property! I would hope any judge would see through him! as for your wedding dress. what do you want to do? what a hard decision to make (((hugs)))

Anna- sorry you are feeling blue. it sucks I know. you will get through this an dit won't be as bad as the anticipation (I hope!)

as an atheist I don't believe I will ever be with DH again (except in spirit and in my heart if that makes sense) I guess if there's anything else as in an afterlife I will be pleasantly surprised.lol.

I rarely dream of him. maybe only a handful of times. though they aren't particularly disturbing/comforting dreams either.

[sweetwilliam]

Anna, So sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. When is the anniversary date? I completely understand the emotional rollercoaster...Sunday I finished my last can of Ensure and then ate

real food for the first time in 17 weeks. Everyone was so excited for me and I felt like I had passed some huge hurdle. Then, Monday came and I could not function. I felt so betrayed by my emotions. Today has been up and down - so, I guess I just can not get my hopes up that "life is back to normal." A close friend told me right after Bill passed that there would me a "New Susan" - at the time I did not understand, now I think I am beginning to. I am glad you find peace on the bridge. Nature really does seem to comfort us during this time. I hope your home decorating projects are doing better than mine. I have ordered and have had delivered several different project materials, but do not have the energy (or interest) to actual start one...

Susan

[armaiti]

Susan - the anniversary date is July 28th. I'm planning a special evening, what we in the Sufi tradition call an Urs, that will involve sacred music and practices, and remembering Ishaq. That part will be fine; I always do best when I'm leading something or in charge of something.

I know the part about becoming a new person. For ten and a half years it seemed I was AnnaandIshaq - like all run together. We hardly spent a day apart, we did everything together. But there was also the part that was hyper vigilant about taking care of Ishaq because of his diabetes, because he could crash at any second and I needed to keep watching. So I'm recreating myself as I go also.

My home decorating doesn't sound like it is as involved as yours - I'm mainly putting up my art on the walls, changing the furniture around and getting rid clutter! Good luck with yours.

Peace,

Anna

[mishknit]

PHEW!!!!

i missed you all so!

anna.. hang in there, this will be a hard time, but, i think april said that the anticipation is often worse, and i have found that to be so true too. your second year will be very different, in many ways, both good and bad, and we'll be here. Your connection with ishaq is so deep, that must guve you such great comfort.

tamara...omg, i am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry about his dad! it sounds like you have a lot to deal with, but that his mom is a great advocate. as far as the dress goes, i would have his mom go with you to pick it up, and i have to say, i would sell it. I know that sounds harsh, but you're right, it was for that day, and all it will do if you keep is it remind you of what won't happen. better yet..will the woman be able to sell it for you, so you don't even have to pick it up? It might be worth asking.

I am so sorry for your loss and all you're going thru....noone on here thinks any less of you as a fiance rather than a widow....i am so sorry that most people do look at that differently.

hang in there and keep posting

peace, michele

[sweetwilliam]

Tamara, Michele's advise about what to do with your wedding dress does seeem better than mine. Michele was also right about the widow thing - lost love is just that - does not require a marriage license.

Anna, The Urs you have planned to remember Ishaq's passing sounds so peaceful - what a wonderful tradition. When you said "I slways do best when I am leading something or in charge of something", really hit home. I think that is what is so frustrating. What say did we have in all THIS? I get sick just thinking about the fact that Bill had a heart attack and was gone in an instant. Then, I start the "what if, should have, could have, would have" game in my mind - over and over, until I think I will go insane. So, yes you are so right about our two lives becoming as one. Becoming a new me was never in my plans... I did not realize that Ishaq was diabetic. You are so right about the hyper vigilant role you had to play. My 8 year old granddaughter is a type 1 diabetic. We found out 5 days after her second birthday. The first time I was alone with her I was so nervous. She is a real trooper and is pretty much self managed, but like you said - they can always crash in a second. She stayed with me the other night and I probably spent half of it watching her sleeep. I was sure she would go high or low, so I kept listening to her breathing... I think I should start with the getting rid of clutter, as you are. Maybe then, I will be inspired to actually start a new home project. Take care, Susan

[missinmyhubby]

OMG, I am so happy we are back up!!!! I was actually feeling anxiety over the board not being here. I have come to depend on you all so much. I have discovered, more, how much I depend on having you who know how this is here. Whether it's to read, post, whatever!!!! It is sad, I know, but nobody else I know can even remotely understand what we all go through. Anyway, I have absolutely no time on my hands at the moment to catch up, as they are throwing information at me at the speed of a fire house in your mouth!!! AND TO TOP IT ALL OF, MY MANDATORY SCHOOL PARTNER IS A TOTAL ASSHOLE!!!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! I have been keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Miss ya all!!!

BIG (((((HUGS)))))

Angel