I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

Back from Nashville and catching up. My brother & I went with our kids honky-tonkying on music row Saturday night during fanfare. Fun. The wedding was also ok - my nephew (21) bless his heart asked me to dance... hard to believe 2 yrs ago I was dancing with Rod at another niece's wedding. Seems like a lifetime has gone by since.

Late for April's question but what kept me going at first was reading books. each time I was consumed by tears I'd pick one up and read about others who went through the same experience and got through it helped.

Eleanor, I live in NW Iowa..I am glad this board is helping you.

Naz.. unbelievable experices.. hang in there. We can't do anything for you but know we're all praying that things will be ok.

Angel.. I thought about you on the latest flights. It must be more fun in the cockpit. I liked flying in small planes. I have a friend who is a pilot that used to take me up. Her husband was killed in a small plane crash about 15 yrs. ago and she went through a really bad time but it now happily remarried and still flying.

Everyone else... hope things are going ok. Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

Maryjo- glad you had an ok time! btw I am not done with my article..what books specifically helped you the most, if you don't mind me asking?

missing my DH today..also really having alot of anger.at him and other's. =( just trying to deal. though I have realized alot of things latley about the people around me..kind of re-examining everything right now. most of all people's intentions..which I have come to realize kind of suck..sorry for being vague.

Naz-how awful about the storm. I think the same thing alot...why am I here? i thought that after 9/11 alot. I mean who am I to get live? no answers there but it can't just be coincidence. I am very factual like that and think everything happens for a reason. you will get through this. you are so deep into it though it's hard to believe it! hang in there. after awhile you ARE going to feel better. I know it seems like a lie, but time really does heal a little bit.

sidvis- I don't think it's crazy at all. you truly deserve to be happy.

Dorothy- I hope you get good news on your hand!

cheryl-this board really does help. glad you can find some peace here!

[missyouhoney811]

April, I graduated to a smaller wrist/thumb brace today. (third brace) Another prescription for steroids and I now have therapy three times a week. I was told not to go to gym until I can add weights in therapy. Can't wait to see what the foot doctor will say tomorrow. One person should not be having so much fun......

Thanks for asking.

I agree with you EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. We might not like it but we must deal with it as it comes our way. Time does heal.

Sidvis, I think it is wonderful that you found someone to love again. You are young and should not go through life alone. Enjoy yourself and be happy as we all know too well the sadness in our life truly sucks and life is too short to be unhappy.

Mary Jo, that sounds like fun "honky-tonkying" - did you get into the music?

God Bless all of you,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Hi everyone...just checking in...have had Ishaq's sister and her husband here for a few days now. We're having a good visit, today was sad because their dog, who lives with a friend now, had to be put to sleep today. I went off and gave them some space during the time it was happening, and we have a picture of her, Alia, up on the altar as well. Ishaq really liked her too, I seem to see him playing with her right now!

Naz, so sorry you are going through the horrible weather stuff! I'm glad no one in your household was hurt, and really sorry no one remembered Mal's sixth month. I've found people go on with their own lives and dramas...even some of Ishaq's close friends don't remember the day he passed, which is surprising to me. But we all live with this EVERY DAY, from the moment we wake without them beside us until we go to bed at night.

Dorothy, I hope you get strong and can get to the gym soon! I've been trying to get back into walking and my knee keeps going out on me, but I'm keeping at it. It really sucks to have bodily aches and pains that make it hard to do stuff, for sure!

On Monday night I presented at our Interfaith Service and sang a song, Light of the Sun, that Ishaq and I had always sung together. This is the first time ever I've sung it in public alone. I got through it ok, and said some things about Ishaq and the upcoming anniversary of his passing. But it was hard.

After Ishaq's sister and husband leave I'm going to try and get back on a regime of eating better and excersing. I'm feeling pretty yucky physically lately, though a lot of that is allergies. I've started thinking about my second year after the anniversary of Ishaq's passing, and I realize I want to improve myself, physically, and health-wise. I'm making changes in the house...got new, brighter curtains to let in more light...just little things. I don't know, it seems just like yesterday that I kissed him goodbye and he went off to go rafting, and never came home again. Sigh.

Hope you all have a peaceful eveing,

Blessings,

Anna

[justamom]

Hi Girls, I just got home from "vacation" 8 days with 4 kids in two states! It was fun but I was really looking forward to getting home and then I got here and it just sucked. I missed Steve so bad! He was always so happy when we got home and he would unpack the car and show me everything that he did while we were gone and we would stay up half the night "catching up" Even if we were only gone for a few days! Tonight I got home to a sick dog, pollen all over the inside of my house, the cats broke a bunch of knick knacks, and dead tomato plants, then I had to unpack the car all by myself, put clean sheets on all of the beds and now I have to wade through all of the mail and bills and stupid crap that we all have to do on a daily basis. The worst part is no one to miss us, no one glad that we are home. So sad and lonely. Not worth it to go on vacation at this minute but I know that I am just tired and whiny. Sorry.

Sidvis, I just wanted to say to you that I am thinking some of the same things that you are. My new relationship is wonderful as well but I wonder if I can Love him like he deserves. He too had a very strange first marriage in my opinion. She was very selfish and he had to do most of the work by himself. I feel like he deserves someone who loves him more than anyone else - not someone who is in love with her dead husband. He tells me that what I have been able to give him so far is more than he has ever had in his whole life. Which honestly makes me sad for him. I too only want to be happy and feel the same way about having so much love to give. Have to put it somewhere. I really hope that we can all find happiness. whatever that means for each of us.

April, honestly the thing that helped me the most right after the accident was my friends and my sister making me do stuff. Just going to the grocery store, out to a restaurant, showering etc. they would come and do things with me the first time so it wasn't as overwhelming. I did read a book called "I'm grieving as fast as I can" that was helpful in the aspect that I didn't feel so carzy after I read it. Alot of the things that I was feeling and doing were pretty typical.

Dorothy, hang in there I am glad to hear you graduated to a brace - that is progress. Take care.

So much to do today - reentry day Yikes! Have a good day everyone.

[cnpjrs4e]

I haven't been on here in 3 weeks or so because my life was going well. I was going out with friends, working, and many other things that I thought I would never enjoy again. Well the past 2 days I have gone back to being miserable. I haven't cried in 2 weeks and now I am a couple times a day out of no where. I just miss him so much and the reality of the whole thing is sinking in but I don't want it to. I want to go back to the past few weeks, when everything was ok. Its only been 2 months since Jay died, so do these feelings come and go for a while?

[bsnurse76]

cnpjrs4e-I can relate. It has been 7 months for me, and I still have bad days that pop out of no where. I think it takes a long time for reality to sink in. When you have loved someone as much as we have and they are taken away, it takes time. I enjoy my good days and of course the bad ones stink but it is part of the process. I have less bad days now but I still miss Darren so much. I don't post on the site all the time but I definitely check it daily. It helps me to read what everyone is experiencing and to know that I am not alone. Take care and I am thinking about u. Brandi

[cheryl36]

SIDVIS- Absolutely not! There is nothing wrong with going on with your life, I'm not saying it will be easy and, YES, you should give your all in the relationship if he makes you happy. Our husbands or partners would not want any of us to sit be unhappy until we see them again. No way! I loved Scott from my soul and I always will, And he told me we wants me to live my life to the fullest when he way dying. And try not to feel guilty of this new love either. You see, I believe at the lowest point of my life, God wanted me to have someone to be there. And I often think that Scott sent Tony to me. Because I seriously cannot find anything wrong with him. But I can't lie to you either, in the begining of our relationship, I would say to myself, well Scott could fix anything, and he, to me knew everything, and Tony does not. So it has taken a very long time for me to adjust. Another habit I had to break was going to the cemetary everyday. I would cry every single day for over a year. So I had to stop going so often to see him. I had to for my own sanity. I still go just not as much. I think anyone including you, SIDVIS-has the right to be happy and not feel guilty. That's what our Husbands/partners would want. Thats what I would want. I couldn't see saying to Scott even now, If it would've been me instead of him, No Scott I want you to not be with anyone else. Ever. Yes life is short, but we are in the here and now and there is no reason anyone should have to be alone, unless thats what makes them happy. And don't let ANYONE ever tell you especially your husbands family that you are dishonoring him. Because that is just not true!

I pray for you all And wish you all well

Cheryl

[cheryl36]

CNPJRS4E-What you are going through is very natural, it's okay and you need to tell yourself that its okay. Sweetie its only been 2 months, it's still fresh, and will be for awhile. You need to nuture yourself, and tell yourself that you will get through it! It just takes time, How much? no one can answer that for you, everyone is different. When you start to feel down, try to think of something that he would say that would make you laugh, or something he did that made you laugh. Laughter through tears is a very comforting emotion!! Please try it, and let me know how it went for you. May GOD be with you all

Cheryl

[amberi]

I was the site loss of a parent trying to get help for my children and someone told me to come here that there was a lot of support here. My husband of 18yrs passed away on May 19, suddenly and I am struggling with some very major denial. Not sure why, part of me thinks its cuz I had his services right away. he died on sat. night and I had the service on tue. I feel like maybe I didnt have time to really realize what was happening. I dont want to bottle things up, so I have listened to songs we loved, looked at pictures, listened to his voice mail messages he left on my phone, even sleep in his clothes but I still dont feel like this is real. I feel like he is playing a prank on me. I am just so lost,lost,lost. I am still young (35) and cant seem to grasp that I have to raise my two kids alone. This just really sucks. Sorry, Thank you all for listining to me vent so nice to know there is a place where others understand, my friends and family are trying to be supportive but they just dont understand. I feel like no one does. so thank you for being here.

amber

[justamom]

Amber, It will be 17 months for me tomorrow. I too was 35 when he died and I have 2 little boys. That for me is the worst part - my boys will never have their daddy again. It is very overwhelming to think about raising kids on our own. The "fog" lasted for a while for me and I also was in denial for a while too, I just pretended that he was at work or on a business trip or something. My friends helped me alot, they made me function because I had to for my boys. It does get better - Not for a while. Keep coming here. We are here for you. If there is anything that I could do or say to make it better for you I would. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time. When you just can't do it, ask for help. These are the only things that I can offer right now. Take care.

Lisa

[armaiti]

Amber, so sorry you have had this loss, but this is a good place to come to. On July 28th it will be one year since my partner of 10 1/2 years passed. I've gotten a lot of support from the other women on this board. No one else can understand what we are going through, unless they've gone through it themselves. We are here for you.

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

amberi- I can so relate..my husband died when my children were 17 months and 2 weeks old. I am still in a fog at times and can't beleive it's true. it's been almost 2 years now..it is getting easier in a way.I think it just takes time. be gentle with yourself.

[sidvis]

We all know the pain of fresh grief. There really is not much to help one to get through it except to just keep breathing and take one minute, maybe one hour at a time. Let yourself feel or not feel, whatever comes to you at the moment. Remember to post here any time because we will always listen and respond it we can. Please remember we here know exactly the place you are in. Letting it out by posting really does help. Peace

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. It means so much to be able to get such positive feed back from women who know exactly where I am coming from. Love to all of you

[lauraa]

You all are so normal with your feeling. I just went thru my 3 year marker of losing my beautiful soulmate. I prayed for the first two years for god to send him back to me....make it a miracle I would ask. It took that long for numbness to wear off and reality to set in. I have to say the third year in many ways has been extremely difficult. I feel that when I get really overwhelmed that there is an on/off button in my head that I can turn off....mostly because it is way to much at times. But, then at night when I go to bed, I can turn that switch on and feel it. The whole damn thing sucks. Raising the kids is hard, especially watching them suffer with their loss and all that goes on with that. I take sleeping meds at night just to be able to get thru the night without a panic attack and I totally welcome that...and, I am not a medicine person...have just taken the road of least resistance.....

To all our newcomers, I am so sorry for all of your loses. Here have found a great place for loving suppoet and a place where you can let it all out.

God bless you all.

[mishknit]

Hi all...

i have been reading on the fly lately....really busy time of year for weddings, AND my son graduates middle school tomorrow, Since when did graduating from middle school start to sem like college graduation?? My god..the hoopla! oh well..i guess you have to go with it, but today at pick up time at school they had the area ready for tomorrow, and there were parents "saving" seats!!! I'll probably get there tomorrow and have to stand! the cool thing is that i have about 20 people coming...just to support him, as it will be a very hard day for him. he has been dreading doing this without tom, and i just hope the support will be helpful. Then, father's day and on the 21st it will be tom's bday and the 17 month mark....

ugh.

I am sorry to see new people here, but glad you found this bb..it is so helpful, and you will see that you are not crazy or weird..that what you're going thru is normal and natural. hang in there, we're here too.

ok.gotta go clean the bathroom, people coming over here for luch..yikes!

peace,

michele

[missyouhoney811]

Michele, you sound great and completely together. I hope your sons middle school graduation turns out wonderful for all, including yourself.

Fathers Day I will be going to lunch or dinner with my son. Tough day no more cards/presents/cakes. My husband loved his cake, cookies and ice cream. I have none of that stuff in the house these days. At the grocery store I no longer go down the junk isle because that was the first and favorie isle that John would go to. He was the sweet eater not me. Thinking back to last Fathers Day in the hospital I was able to give him 1 teaspoon of ice cream. The look in his eyes you would have thought he had surf and turf. That was also the day my son and I stepped out of the room. On return John pulled his tray over to him - grabbed my 16 oz bottle of water and drank over half of it. Scared me to death he started to choke but would you believe laughing at the same time. I still have no idea how he found the strength to pull the tray over - he was on the vent and trac at that time. What a big smile he had for us. Letting us know that he still could get away with things no matter how ill he was. Lord do I miss him. Yes Fathers Day is going to hell for me.

I have therapy for my hand today. Went to the foot doctor. My foot is doing well it still has fluid and swelling around the initial injury site but NO SURGERY and the doctor stated that I have feet of a twenty year old. How great is that.

He also said the steroids that I am taking for my hand has helped my foot. The only thing I have to do for him is stay away from wearing heels for at least another month. I guess I can do that since I bought so many flip flops from Victoria Secrets when they had their sale.

Must get going to the hairdresser I have to get my roots done today. The happy thing about my roots they are dark not gray. I can also start the gym but only on the walking machines. No weight bearing yet. Happy day I can start working out a little.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[amberi]

Thank you all for the support. I am very angry today he has left so much drama behind that I am having to deal with so now wonder why I cant deal with his passing. Some of his distant family is being very mean due to we had been seperated for a little while and in the last month just started to get things back on track with us. I dont have any guilt (yet) about the seperation because it was what needed to be done at the time. But that may also hit latter. But they are treating me like crap. I just feel like selling the house and running away. But Deep down thats not what I want, I want him to come back and at least explain why he left this caotic mess. Im just so mad at him right now. That makes me feel guilty, I shouldnt be nmad but I also know its pretty normal. Well thanks for everything I am so thankful I found this place.

Be safe all!

Amber

[missyouhoney811]

Amber, try not to be so hard on yourself. You (we) are going through the worst stage of life and that is the death of your partner. I was fortunate in respect to family. I had no one fighting with me. They just gave me sincere love. While my husband was in the hospital for 143 days I talked everyday with my 2 sisters and a sister in law that is like a sister to me. I had their constant support, so although my heart goes out to concerning the trouble within the family - I actually never had to deal with anything like that. I guess you can call that part of my grieving a blessing. You are young and you must be strong for the children. But never forget yourself be gentle and if possible have your private time.

My prayers are with you.

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Hi everyone...today is a down day for me...Ishaq still had one bank account I hadn't closed out, had to wait till his sister was here. It only had $100 in it (he'd only opened it because they had some promotion where you got a $75 American Express check for opening an account with their bank), but it needed to be done, so we went and closed it and got the money out. But it just brought up a lot of stuff about how I had to do all this last year. Like so many of you, today I'm feeling like I just want my life back, the way it was before,with Ishaq at work right now but coming home in a couple of hours and we'd have dinner and hang out and go to bed together. The intensity of stuff is getting more for me as his one year anniversary gets closer.

Partly I'm feeling crappy from my allergies too, just tired from the medications and all, but also just really sad and missing Ishaq.

Peace to you all,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

amber- our stories are so similiar! though I guess alot of families go through these dramas after the death of loved ones.. my husbands family caused me MUCH drama in the first year (until I cut contact). they tried to control my children's trust fund (then got mad when I put it in THEIR names) even held my husband's ashes hostage for a YEAR (then mailed them to me on DD 1st bday!) and get this the ashes were OPENED, so I will never know if those are really even his ashes. =( and don't get me started on how they ended up with them..urgh. really just a manipulative passive aggressive disfuctional family. they also continue running a corporation under his name (and blackmailing me basically due to ins. coverage) it's a big mess. you aren't alone. just be firm and don't even engage them. it's soooo not worth it. I am so glad I cut contact with my DH family. Karma will take care of them I am sure of it. and I mean that in a matter of fact way, not wishing harm on anyone. but I am not looking back.

anyway my point is hang in there! this too shall pass..

Anna- I'm sorry you had to deal with that today. I know how you are feeling too about the upcoming anniversary..I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. you will get through it though..

I am personally dreading father's day. have no clue what to even do, my kids have no memory of him or comprehension of the day. ahh well I suppose, it's really just another day right? (or that's what I keep trying to convince myself to feel better about it)

dorothy- you sound like you are on the mend! yay!

Michele- I hope you guys end up having a happy time at your son's graduation.

[naz496]

cant reply to everyone today just dont have the strength.

Amber

I too am 34 and my husband died 6 mths and 5 days agao, and i have 2 kids 3 and 7 to raise on my own, I still live in denial. I know he is gone but i feel like he is at work, and will come home eventually. I cant bear to look at his pictures or his songs or the funeral songs which I use to find so much comfort in. The anger guilt denial and all the other fases come and go, and you get some better days than others, but it will never be the same again. I live in australia wher r u. My husband was 36 and just droped dead of heart disease which we didnt know he had. life is hard so reley on family and friends if u can. the dasy do get easier but definatly not better. we have to adjust to our new lives as much as we dont want to, and yes life does go on but im so sick of people tellling us that their life goes on but ours will never go on like it was.

Hope u find a moment of peace today.

naz

[lauraa]

Boy, can I relate to not having the energy to write. I think we all collectively need to embrace each other for all the termoil we all face day in and day out. We are really all incredibly strong woman. We have endured the worst and yet we move forward because of love. I know my husband would not want me to be sad or depressed but I am. And, I need to grieve on my own terms. Yes, many people go away. I don't even have the strength to deal with that. I would say that is their problem and not mine because I have enough to take care of in a day without worrying about why they left me and couldn't muster up the strength to support me?????? I just don't have it to give....I am also having a rough week. There is lots going on that takes me back and brings me down......I am almost in a full blown anxiety attack tonight...am trying different things to try and stay calm.

You all are in my heart each and everyday. This road is not easy. Sometimes, I get thru it by saying to myself, "I only have today"....no-more and no-less.....it helps keep me in the moment>

Bless you all.

[Guest Guest]

Boy, can I relate to not having the energy to write. I think we all collectively need to embrace each other for all the termoil we all face day in and day out. We are really all incredibly strong woman. We have endured the worst and yet we move forward because of love. I know my husband would not want me to be sad or depressed but I am. And, I need to grieve on my own terms. Yes, many people go away. I don't even have the strength to deal with that. I would say that is their problem and not mine because I have enough to take care of in a day without worrying about why they left me and couldn't muster up the strength to support me?????? I just don't have it to give....I am also having a rough week. There is lots going on that takes me back and brings me down......I am almost in a full blown anxiety attack tonight...am trying different things to try and stay calm.

You all are in my heart each and everyday. This road is not easy. Sometimes, I get thru it by saying to myself, "I only have today"....no-more and no-less.....it helps keep me in the moment>

Bless you all.

[Guest Guest]

I\'m new here but feel connected to you all because I\'ve been through the fire, too. My husband was dx with SCLC Nov. 7, 2006, and he went to a better life with no more pain April 28, 2007. Our youngest child is 18, and we have five other grown children...three from my former marriage and then our three together. We were married 30 years.

Since April 28, I took a week off and then had to get back to work, and then I had summer school to keep up my teaching license, and I won\'t have time off until July to try getting my head together.

Father's Day is tomorrow, which I\'m dreading for my children and myself as well. I know there\'s nothing I can do to help them get through this easily. Someone on here mentioned that weekends are worse because weeks get so busy. I agree.

I just wanted to say hello and that I feel your pain. And it is an actual physical pain isn't it. I miss him so very much and wish I had some time to talk to him even just one more time. All the children have had dreams about him, but not me. Is that weird that I haven't? If he just came to me in a dream, I think it would help me. Why no dreams?

[Guest Guest]

I'm new here but feel connected to you all because I've been through the fire, too. My husband was dx with SCLC Nov. 7, 2006, and he went to a better life with no more pain April 28, 2007. Our youngest child is 18, and we have five other grown children...three from my former marriage and then our three together. We were married 30 years.

Since April 28, I took a week off and then had to get back to work, and then I had summer school to keep up my teaching license, and I won't have time off until July to try getting my head together.

Father's Day is tomorrow, which I'm dreading for my children and myself as well. I know there's nothing I can do to help them get through this easily. Someone on here mentioned that weekends are worse because weeks get so busy. I agree.

I just wanted to say hello and that I feel your pain. And it is an actual physical pain isn't it. I miss him so very much and wish I had some time to talk to him even just one more time. All the children have had dreams about him, but not me. Is that weird that I haven't? If he just came to me in a dream, I think it would help me. Why no dreams?

[missyouhoney811]

Guest, my heart feels your pain. I know exactly what you are going through. My husband died 8/11 -- so I am a few days pass the 10 month anniversary. Take each moment as slowly as you must. We do not go through grieving at a fast pace. I miss my John terribly and I always will. The hole in the heart will never go away. We were married for 31 years and together for 35. We have one son age 25.

As far as dreaming I am sure it will come. I have frequent dreams with my husband. In the dreams he is very healthy and sooooooooooo good looking. No longer attached to any medical equipment. I have a daily routine which I go through. First off, I do talk to him. I have pictures of him which I kiss every morning and every night. I still sleep with his comforter (which I spray with his after shave). I have candles by his pictures which I lite daily one is electric which stays on 24/7.

Sunday (Fathers Day) will be a very tough day for all of us. We are going to dinner in honor of his day.

God Bless All of you,

Dorothy

[giuditta]

Thanks for the reply. It seems we have a lot in common. I also have the pictures, candle and little electric thing, glowing. In my children's dreams, he is always healthy, too. He told my daughter to stop being sad because he is well now and having a great time where he is. He wanted to make the point that he does not have cancer anymore.

You will also be in my prayers big time for tomorrow.

Peace

[rodless]

ok.. so what was there about 6/15 that had us all down? I spent most of the evening in tears and not even sure why except I missed him so much. This time of the year is full of memories of Rod's last hospital stay and will wind up on 7/7 with memory of his last morning on earth. I really believe anticipation is worse than the actual day but we'll see.

On the subject of families.. UGH! Mine was wonderful but the 4 stepkids and spouses were horrible. Thank God I have not seen or heard from them since the day of the funeral. They wanted all his stuff..came with a horse trailer 2 days after he died and proceeded to load up. Not having to deal with them is the best thing that has come out of this.

Hope all do better today. I am headed for a hot shopping spree with a couple of friends. Need something to keep me busy today.

Mary Jo

[sweetwilliam]

Seems like I am not the only one having a bad week...

I swear I will scream at the next person that tells me they know I am strong and will get through THIS. THIS is not something I will get through. I do feel the pain starting in the pit of my stomach and spreading throughout my whole body until I do not think I can breath - I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

I asked my daughter the other night if she thought it was better to have loved someone so intensly (like my husband and I loved each other for 36 years) or to never have loved, so you do not experience such pain when one is gone. She said she thought having loved and still loving, even feeling such pain, was better. I am not sure if I agree...

Susan

[missyouhoney811]

I just booked my flight for Vegas. Leaving Pittsburgh 8/05 returning 8/11. Flying back on the year anniversary date. Maybe I will see John high up in the heavens. If anyone is in the area I am staying at the Venetian Hotel. I know the weather will be really hot but the rates at the hotel are great that week I could not pass it up. The lady that I became friends with at the nail salon months ago will make the trip with me. She was a total stranger and we became friends. I guess our meeting was for a reason. Our flights will be free - her son is giving us his points to use for our tickets.

Susan, for the longest time I became bitter for loving so intensly. I actually told my son and girlfriend that if I knew I would have hurt this bad I would have never got married because it was not worth it. At that time I was going through so much mental hell I would say things I did'nt mean. Thinking back I truly was blessed to love deep the way we did. I have so many memories no matter how sad they still fill me with joy that makes me want to go on. I will always miss and love my John forever. So, I have to agree with your daughter having loved and still loving, even feeling such pain I was fortunate. How many people go through life and never knowing what it feels like to be blessed with that one special person. I am happy I met him - happy we loved so deeply I only wish our walk in life was a little longer.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Susan - I know what you mean about the pain...I have felt like half my heart had been torn out. My Indian friends call their partners their "half-sides" and I so identify with that. Ishaq and I completed each other. And I do think its better to have known this kind of love, even though I only had him for 10 1/2 years. I'm seeing close friends go through divorce, and some tell me they never felt that their partners were their soulmates. At least I know I found my soul mate in this lifetime, and I know I'll see him again when I cross over.

Ishaq had three wonderful kids, they were all teens when he and I got together. I've been thinking of them a lot, with Father's Day coming up. His daughter once sent him a card with a poem she wrote, about him helping her across a creek and teaching her to take chances. This will be the first Father's Day without their father.

Here's a poem that one of Ishaq's students posted to our Sufi listserve in honor of the fathers who have left his physical plane of existence:

Shifting the Sun

When your father dies, say the Irish,

you lose your umbrella against bad weather.

May his sun be your light, say the Armenians

When your father dies, say the Welsh,

you sink a foot deeper into the earth.

May you inherit his light, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the Canadians,

you run out of excuses.

May you inherit his sun, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the French,

you become your own father.

May you stand up in his light, say the Armenians.

When you father dies, say the Indians,

he comes back as the thunder.

May you inherit his light, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the Russians,

he takes your childhood with him.

May you inherit his light, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the English,

you join his club you vowed you wouldn't.

May you inherit his sun, say the Armenians.

When your father dies, say the Armenians,

your sun shifts forever.

And you walk in his light.

~ Diana Der-Hovanessian ~

Peace to you all,

Anna

[sweetwilliam]

Anna,

Thank you for that beautiful poem!

Anna & Dorothy,

I am sure that you are both right (and my daughter) about having loved, even facing this pain, is better. I can not imagine going through life without knowing this deep and lasting love. I guess I am just beginning to accept that I still have to go on in this life without him. I still feel his love, I just wish I could touch him and have him touch me - I miss that so.

When friends of ours stopped over before, they said "You know, Bill would want you to live each day to the fullest." I think that many of our friends feel that after 16 weeks, that I should start "reconnecting"... How did you all handle this? I really do not feel like going to any of the places that we enjoyed. I am fine with friends stopping over, but to go out and be reminded of our life that we had as a couple, just is not what I am prepared for, yet - if ever. Strange how I never thought I would face life without him...

Dorothy,

I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip. I think it is great that you have a new friendship and I believe you are right about her coming into your life for a reason.

Susan

[missyouhoney811]

Susan, I started to post here in January. It took me five months just trying to talk to the people that we both knew (outside of family members). I remember driving to the grocery store and I had no energy to go shopping so I drove back home. I never got out of the car. The trip alone sucked all the energy out of me.

It was quite some time before I was able to go to the restaurants that we always went to. It was hard to get use to sitting at a table alone. I have no problems with it now, but I try never to sit at a table that we use to sit at. We had favorite tables that were better for the wheelchair. I also use to listen to favorite songs on the radio and all I would do is cry. Now, if one of our songs come on and if I am in a sad mood I force myself to turn the radio off. Other times when my spirits are I sing along with the song. I guess in a way I am trying to protect myself from additional grief. Hope you have a peaceful night.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[phoenixmaid]

im 27 two weeks ago my husband died while he was playing with our two baby daughters. my friend and i were trying to recusitate him for 25mins while waiting for the paramedics an hour after that the hospital pronounced him dead.

everyone kept saying it would get better after the funeral which was on wednesday. but i feel worse.

my 10 year old son is now either attacking me or threatening to kill himself, i know he is hurting but how can i help him wen i carnt help myself.

we have only been married scince march last year and we were so happy.

it is going to be months before i know what happened to him as the post mortom found no cause of death. im so lost right now. and noone i know sems to be able to understand my hurt and confusion.

[sidvis]

Dear Phoenixmaid, I am so very, very sorry for your tragic and sudden loss. You are still in shock, be kind to yourself. This is a good place for you right now, as all the women who post here can share in your grief and incredible pain. Is there anyone who can help you with your son? A relative, or one of his friend's parents? I know when my husband died I struggled with the same feelings you have. I prayed to God to give me the strength and courage to be a mother to my boys even when I felt like giving it all up. Just take it one minute at a time. It is all you can ask of yourself and keep posting here when you feel like it. Most of us who do post here feel like it really does help. I will be thinking of you today.

[missyouhoney811]

Phoenixmaid, I am terribly sorry for the sudden death of your loved one. I agree with Sidvis you are still in shock you must be very gentle with yourself now. If there is someone close that you could trust with your son I think at his age it would be a good thing to keep him busy. If this does not work maybe a little therapy would help him out. The main thing for him I believe is just talking and getting the anger out. Please keep posting. We do not have the answers but we all are traveling on the same lonely path and we understand. My prayers go out to you today.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[sidvis]

Last night I attended my nephew's wedding. I was not prepared for the emotions it triggered. I know how certain important days, like weddings-ect., will make you "re-visit" the grief, but I thought that would only apply to my children. I just kept thinking at such a important family event my husband was supposed to be there. It really tore me up and still is today, since it is father's day. Lots of tears. My friend told me it is right I should feel this way as it just proves the strength of my love and validates how strong my marriage was. It still hurts. I just miss him so much sometimes. Thanks for listening.

[missyouhoney811]

Sidvis, the tears are here today for me also. I miss him so very much. How long does the heart hurt? Do we go on like this forever? The ups and downs of emotions are out of this world. The wedding I went to last October I actually had to leave the church when they played songs that were in our wedding it was too much to handle.

I'll be meeting with my son later today. We are going to the cemetery. Our big plans for food today are out. Not very hungry.....Very Sad.....Peace to All...

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

While walking Sherman my next door neighbor was parking her car. I seldom see this neighbor. I know she works but when she is home she stays in her house at all times. Her husband died in 2001. I asked her how long did her grieving go on - her reply was she is still grieving and her opinion was that it will last forever. She is at least 10 years younger than I am.

On my way out to meet with my son.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Hi everyone,

First, Phoenixmaid, I am so sorry you have had this loss. We are all here for you, all in different stages of our learning of how to deal with the loss of our beloveds. Keep coming back, we are here for you.

And for all of you, on Father's Day, I am thinking of you all. For some this is the first one for your kids without their fathers, like Ishaq's children. You are all in my heart and in my prayers.

Peace and Blessings,

Anna

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all...Just checking in. I actually had a few mins to briefly read the last weeks postings.

Thank you ALL for your wonderful send offs!!! I have finished the first week and just landed in Houston to do the second phase (THE HARDEST ONE!!!). I will be here for four weeks, then home for 4.5 days, then back to N.C. for four days, and then off to Memphis for the FAA checkride.

I sometimes have wondered if I look for signs to see him around. I have wondered if I just want him here so bad, I make myself see them, kinda like a pyschological mind game. Then things happen and I feel like I know he is standing right beside me. It is definitely too scary to not have some faith in it, for that would mean I would never see him again while in this mortal world. I know some of you said he would be here with me, as this has been hard doing this without him physically here to see me accomplish my dream and reap in some of the rewards. Well, I believe he is. My instructor for phase one, Basic Indoc, has so many of his attributes I was totally amazed. One, he has had heart issues and has gone through a triple bypass (hince why he is teaching instead of flying any longer). Two, his demeanor...he said something that my DH use to say.."if it isn't illegal, immoral, or unhealthy, I don't like it." Now, he is only the second person I have ever heard say that line, my DH being the first. Third, he had the same exact laugh. All I have to say is freakin' WOW!!!!! I actually smiled a lot this week and felt him so close.

I was awarded the weekend off and had a great surprise...hubby of today was able to find arrangements for all four kids and the dog, and drove 8.5 hours up to see me on Friday. He left today after following me back to the airport for my flight to Houston. I have missed my daughter's 15th bday, and will miss my 2nd anniversary, but I got Father's Day in!!! Whoot hooot!!!

Anywho, I have to unpack, find somewhere to eat, and pick up my flight partner by 9pm so I better run. Thanks again to ALL of you, I don't know how I would make it through without all your support and complete UNDERSTANDING.

I am sorry for all of you who have come to join us, but glad you found us. Keep coming back, if only to read. THIS PLACE IS THE BEST!!!

BIG GIGANTIC (((((HUGS))))) FROM HOUSTON!!!!

Angel

[naz496]

phenioxmaid

Im so sorry that u have to be here but welcome. I am 34 and lost my hubby 6 mths and 5 days ago, and I am living in denial and still in shock. My hands and feet have not warmed up since 8.10am on 11/12/06. apparently this is shock and could last for upto one year so be kind to yourself its very early days. I too have small kids 3 and 7, and my yo boy gave me grafic descriptions of how he was going to cut his heart out to give to daddy so as he could come back. this lasted for about 6 weeks i think god knows the time frame, everything is still jumbeled. the fog has lifted but days are jumbeled. I booked him into therept and I didnt think it was working but we had a big breakthrougyh this week, so my only advice is stick in there. the kids grieve veryt differently to us. life is not fair and i had to wait 4 mths for the results of Mals death as well. I thought that the results would make me realis that he is gone and give me some peace knowing that he didnt suffer, but it didnt I am so happy that he didnt suffer but it didnt give me any peace.

hope you find some peace tody even if its only 1 minute.be kind to yourself its very early days.

Naz

[mishknit]

yeah angel!

thanks for keeping us posted....we're rooting for you!

and dorothy....somehow, as hard as all of this is,i don't think we'll be like your neightbor....barely leaving the house. there is so much support here, and support for moving ahead with our lives,a s hard as that sometimes seems. perhaps you should invite here to join us here..mayeb that would help with her grieving process, talking about it helps so much.

Today my son and i went to a jr.high school lay that my best friends daughter was in....YIKES!...lol..but it was "Once upon a mattress", and at one point during the show, for ABSOLUTELY no reason...one character gave another a rubber chicken. well...my husband wore a rubber chicken key chain, started the rubber chicken club (too long of an explanation, but there were several members) and his production company is named Rubber chicken productions. Coincedence or "wink".....my son and i appreciated it as a wink..it made our day.

anyway...it's been a long day, but i wanted to check in. I always check in and read, whether or not i write. always thinking of you guys, and hoping for better days for all of us.

peace,

michele

[mishknit]

yeah angel!

thanks for keeping us posted....we're rooting for you!

and dorothy....somehow, as hard as all of this is,i don't think we'll be like your neightbor....barely leaving the house. there is so much support here, and support for moving ahead with our lives,a s hard as that sometimes seems. perhaps you should invite here to join us here..mayeb that would help with her grieving process, talking about it helps so much.

Today my son and i went to a jr.high school lay that my best friends daughter was in....YIKES!...lol..but it was "Once upon a mattress", and at one point during the show, for ABSOLUTELY no reason...one character gave another a rubber chicken. well...my husband wore a rubber chicken key chain, started the rubber chicken club (too long of an explanation, but there were several members) and his production company is named Rubber chicken productions. Coincedence or "wink".....my son and i appreciated it as a wink..it made our day.

anyway...it's been a long day, but i wanted to check in. I always check in and read, whether or not i write. always thinking of you guys, and hoping for better days for all of us.

peace,

michele

[phoenixmaid]

Thanks for all your kind words. its lovely to know others understaand i will keep comimng back even if its only to read.

well done to all of you for getting through yesterday i know it was hard

love and tears

phoenixmaid

[darleneandhunter]

Hey ladies!

It's been a while since I have been here to visit. I have been out trying to live life. My "new" old friend has made me feel alive again. It's been so long since I felt any happiness. He has treated me with the utmost kindness, although he thinks he knows whats best for me more than I do. He will get over that soon...lol. This is the closest thing I have had to any kind of relationship that I never thought I would have in the first place, if any of you can understand that. I can pretty much guarantee that if Mark was not gone, I would not be having this conversation.

Don't get me wrong. I still miss my Mark with all my heart. Had he not died, I would probably be doing something entirely different. although my friend has made several comparisons to his death and divorce, I made sure I set him straight on that. I know how painful divorce can be, but it doesn't even come close to this.

I know that sometimes things happen for a reason. My friend is going through some very rough times right now, having custody issues with his ex wife, and she is viciously using their child as a pawn. It's been psychologically draining for him. He has full custody of his son, and she has made no bones about showing her distaste. Until we found each other again, he was going through all of this alone.

It has become apparent over these last few weeks that we need each other. Not in romantic ways, but for emotional support. Our sons get along amazingly well, and hanging around with him has given me the boost I have needed to being able to function again. I no longer retreat and withdraw to my bed every day, and I actually look forward to getting up every day. My son has benefitted tremendously from all of this as well. He no longer spends every day at home, watching TV while I wallow in my cave.

I am not sure where this is all going, and quite frankly, I do not care. I still have my days where I want to howl and wail like a baby, but I no longer allow myself to wallow. I cry, get it over with, and continue on. I miss Mark more than anything, but I know life goes on. My friend allows me to talk about him when the situation arises, and I feel much better being able to do that. I gave him a copy of that letter from the board, and he now understands that its better to just let me be me and not make me bottle it up inside.

The reality of this is that I know my grief is not over by a longshot. I still have yet to discover the person I am without Mark. My birthday was spent rather nicely this year, as opposed to the non birthday last year. Father's Day got to me a little, but with some determination, I was able to redirect myself into focusing on the living. I made dinner for my friend, and made a nice Father's Day video for him. I said my silent wishes to Mark, but spent the day making a good friend smile. I still look at his picture every day with some degree of sadness. Some days are more intense than others.

Whatever normal is, it is slowly beginning to make itself known. There are times when I feel I am taking one step forward and two steps back, but I try to make every day a fresh start. It is by no means easy, but come hell or high water, I am doing it.

There is a recent song out by Trace Adkins that really struck home for me. I interpret it a little differently than it is intended, but it fits perfectly for me.

***************************************************

If youre tellin' me I'm not on fire

You're just preachin' to the choir

I've gotten dull as old barbed wire from livin'

Last night I watched the evening news

It was the same ol' nothin' new

It should have cut me right in two

But it didn't

I dont know why it didn't

But I wanna feel somethin'

Somethin thats a real somethin'

That moves me, that proves to me I'm still alive

I wanna heart that beats and bleeds

A heart thats bustin' at the seams

I wanna care, I wanna cry, I wanna scream

I just wanna feel somethin'

If youre tellin' me thats just how it is

I don't buy it 'cause once I was kissed

By a red-headed girl with cherry lips

On her porch when I was sixteen

And I felt it somewhere in my soul

and time stood still and I couldn't let go

I can't tell you

cause I don't know how I got so cold

When did I get so cold

I just wanna feel somethin'

Somethin thats a real somethin'

That moves me, that proves to me I'm still alive

Run my fingers through your fingers,

across your face and through your hair

And close my eyes and breathe you in like air

I just wanna feel somethin'

I hate that I'm jaded and I make you cry

But still you stick around me,

only God knows why

Damn it all to hell, Im done

Cause I don't like what I've become

So come here, baby

Come here, baby

I just wanna feel somethin'

Somethin thats a real somethin'

That moves me, that proves to me Im still alive

Run my fingers through your fingers,

across your face and through your hair

And close my eyes and breathe you in like air

I just wanna feel somethin'

Come here, baby

***************************************************

I just want to feel something besides this gut wrenching pain.

There is light somewhere at the end of this tunnel......

[losingdanaforever]

Thank you so much for your thoughts darleneandhunter! It meant so much to me right now to read about someone who is having so many of the same issues I am having. Losing Dana last year was something that was so hard to deal with and I know that it will be something I deal with for quite a long time. I too met someone now who is a wonderful man who knows that I have much to continue to go through with my sorrow and loss but I do not feel right talking with him about it. Doesn\'t it take away from one when you can\'t stop crying over another?? Dana and I had just talked about getting married - now I find it difficult to consider that someone else could love me in a short period of time and want something like this too (which, btw, I know I am not ready for!!) I have had two dreams in the past two months where Dana was there but he would not help me or talk to me. I woke up feeling...fearful (?) but wondering if he was trying to tell me to move on, to not wallow... I am trying not to wallow but it is not easy by any means. I know it has only been 9 months and the process can go on for years -- but I will continue to try. I am going to visit Dana\'s grave and family next month which will take its toll on me as well but it is something I feel I must do. Thanks for posting and listening.... pamela

[missyouhoney811]

I went to the cemetery yesterday with my son and we planted flowers on John's grave. We both decided that it was not fair how he had to suffer. He was a good man I'll go further he was great man. What really gets me angry is seeing in this world so many worthless pieces of **** (excuse me) and nothing ever happens to them. Life is not fair.

Maybe someone can give me a logical explanation on the following. Coming back from therapy today - traveling on a three lane highway - I was in the middle lane no other cars anywhere to be seen. A bird that looked like a white dove was flying along side of the car to the right of the passanger door. This kept up for at least 1-1/2 miles. The bird drifted behind me - looked in my rear view mirror and the bird was flying behind my car in the center. This went on for another mile. In all my years of driving nothing like this with a bird has ever happened to me. I know the white dove is a symbol of peace and the symbol of the Holy Spirit. Should I just write the whole thing off or should I go deeper and find some inner meaning?

Bless All,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Dorothy, that is an awesome experience! You and I both seem to get lots of messages from the flying ones from our partners...sometimes I wonder if John and Ishaq are in cahoots on the other side!

Doves mate for life, and are also a symbol of the goddess Aprhodite, goddess of love. They also symbolize getting through difficulties, and peacefulness. Seems to me like John was giving you support and showing his continued love for you. But really whatever it means to you is most important. It certainly was a blessing!

Today my house guests are packing and getting ready to travel on. I'm re-starting my low carb diet and making a committment to do yoga every day, even for short periods of time, to get my ligaments more bendable...I've been having knee pain when I walk and I know a lot of that is from not working out with being flexible.

Hope you all have a good week,

Anna