I Miss Him So...

[chris4ever21]

Hey Lauraa,

You are in my thoughts and prayers as well. I had a really rough night and thought of all the comments and stories I have read on here and know that I'm not alone although it feels that way all the time. I am thankful to have come across this website it truly does help to conversate with others who have had it happen to them. Somedays I am fine and others I'm a mess. One day I want to do things for me now like go back and finish college, try and be independent because I know Chris is watching me saying yes I know you can do it, I'm still here, but other days I want to just sit at home and not even get out of bed. I am helpless without Chris. I will never be as comfortable with anything or anywhere as I was with him. I am only 21 and everyone says you are so young you will fall in love again. I don't even want to think of that. Anyone I meet will never be as smart, funny, loving, romantic, sexy as Chris. It is so hard to look at the future without him but my grandmother told me I should not worry about things I have no control over, who knows if I will still be alive by the time these events come around. We never know. I am terrified of the coming week. Chris' birthday is the 7th of April, I will be a mess.

[BIJulie]

Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

[pandorra]

Laura, I used to think God didn’t do anything to people. He just puts us here and we just live our lives. I used to wonder why people blamed God or asked God why. But then this happened and I was blaming God. I keep having to remind myself that I used to believe God is not controlling any of this. Its confusing and frustrating me. I just want someone to blame. And I have that same feeling now of WHY BOTHER. If my destiny is set. There are no rewards for trying to be good or honest. Well, then who cares? I am not gonna bother trying to be good anymore. Just be self involved and self centered. No punishment can hurt worse than this has.

The book I read is about people who are hypnotized and they are able to recall their time in the soul world. We actually pick our own destinies. We want to improve ourselves so we pick lives with hard lessons that we feel we need to learn. Pphht. Well that made me mad. How could I ever pick this?? On the other hand, I liked hearing that we have our soulmates. We were with them before we were born and we will be with them again. When I am not angry at Jeff, this comforts me and I think he is waiting for me. From what I felt with him, I am sure we must be soulmates. The feeling that something was there from the first moment I laid eyes on him etc. And I know what you mean about having no one else appeal to you. From the moment I first met Jeff, I never again found another man attractive again. Weird. Even when my friends would ask what movie star is my fantasy. I would think, gee. I used to have crushes on movie stars, but now my only fantasy is Jeff. I just try not to think about future relationships. I expect to be alone, but if someone comes along that can sort of fill the hole I have now, then so be it. But I don’t have my hopes up. We are just not ready right now, that is why we are even against meeting someone else. I think in time, we become more open to it.

Dowbes, people telling me to cherish the memories is confusing to me also. Dwelling on the memories is what makes me cry and be miserable. Right now I have put everything of his away and out of sight. I do better when I don’t dwell. Somedays I wish I could magically erase him from my memory completely. I hope that one day the memories will bring a smile to my face. Right now, they only bring anger and sadness. I really tend to think that there is an afterlife. Too many people have signs from beyond or experiences with spirits. Hypnotized people have memories of past lives or memories from when they were a soul. Laura has spoken to a medium that knew things she would have no way of knowing. You really should look into the book I mentioned. “Destiny of Souls.” It may be comforting to you. I think there is a book that Laura really liked also about afterlife and she recommends. I THINK its Hello from Heaven. Another book I am reading right now is “I wasn’t ready to say Goodbye.” So far it’s the grieving book I like best. It’s for sudden deaths of a loved one.

Chris4ever, its an up and down ride. There is no even keel. I am feeling almost normal some moments. I think, omg, I am better. This is it. silly me, then I plummet to rock bottom. I know know and expect the ups and downs. I just try to savor the strong moments and use that time to tell myself, “I DO want to heal. I WILL heal.” I know that any day, hour, second, that strong mood will go away and I will be depressed again and thinking I don’t WANT to heal. It’s exhausting. Don’t even think about falling in love again right now. It’s too soon. You can not think about that when the wound is still open and raw. People think that is supposed to make us feel better, they don’t realize it hurts. I have no doubt I can meet other people. What I doubt is that I will never meet anyone that stimulated me sexually, mentally, and emotionally the way Jeff did. Ah well. I’ll worry about that next year. I can’t believe I have even made it through three months. I didn’t think I would.

May every have a strong day today. I feel okay today. Problably cuz I broke down at the market yesterday. I had to stay in my car for a while and just cry. I am venturing to the mall today for the first time. I need to return some christmas stuff and maybe some new clothes will make me feel better.

Peace.

[dowbes]

Pandoraa

I know how your feeling. I have read Hello from Heaven. I am reading alot of those books just to help me sort out and feel better. Who knows if its all true. Going to see John Edward next month, maybe I will get a reading? Hope so. I told someone the other day that this is the worst pain to go through in my life. I told my friend I hope she never had to go through this. This has got to be the hardest pain ever! It is just about almost cruel! I will never understand why God makes us go through this but I guess if we have chose our life to be this way for learning lessons, that would be why. But really, this is cold reality! To loose a soul mate is the worst that could ever happen to anyone ever! take care!

[angelam]

Oh Everyone.......this is all so sad.

I took myself to the mall tonight on my own - it was dark and I felt OK going out.......I cried all the way home in the car. Just the thought that I will never be able to hear my Michael's voice again - he will never lean over and take my hand and kiss it while he is driving. I dont know why this happened to us - there has to be a reason that we can all understand.....and search as I might - I cannot fathom what it is.

I know I am still in shock because I really dont believe he will never ever walk in this house again; and it has been 6 weeks.......he was the love of my life and I am so very lost without him.

I guess it is just a bad time for me tonight, I am sitting here typing this and the tears are streaming down my face. I just dont know what to do with myself and I really dont understand why he is gone.

He was such a good man. He did many great things. I just dont understand.

I am just so very sad and down tonight and I am so sorry - I'm not really a whole lot of support on this board, and I have tried........sometimes I am stronger than others - but tonight is not one of the strong nights.

I miss my Michael so very very much.

Angela

[jlizzy]

Luara and everyone,

I am still here. Sunday, Easter, at 9:30 PM was 9 months that

Bob passed away. I still dont know why or what I am to do with

the rest of my life. Because of my mental and physical condition,

I cant work and this is so hard for me. I worked since I was

11 years old and now at 59, I am sitting home, alone and

devasted. I never minded being at home before, because Bob was

always with me. Now I am living in one room in my sons basement.

When my SSD goes through, I will be finding my own place.

I have never lived alone; I lived with my parents until I got

married. It is a scarey feeling to think of living alone, but

I need my belongings around me.

Someone said that memories make them cry. This is normal for

all of us. I cry whenever I remember something or someplace

that Bob and I were. This past week, I have been dreaming

a lot, mostly about the beach in NJ. Bob and I walked the

beach many times; hand in hand; and we had planned on doing

it through retirement. As a matter of fact, Bob used to

say,"We would be two teenagers in older bodies walking

hand in hand and the younger kids would look at us in awe"

Well, this will never happen physically, but I dreamed that

it happened- I was walking the beach in NJ and he was

holding my hand. I have to make arrangements to get to the

beach.

I cry when I remember things or especially when I hear

a song; but then a calm comes over me, as though Bob is

with me telling me its okay, he's here. Does this sound

crazy? Well to some people it might, but I can feel it.

I have my outbursts, and when they happen, I feel as

though there is no reason to go on; but I know that it is

not my time.

I have also read many books, and I honestly believe that

my spirit and Bobs spirit are linked; we were together

before and we will be again. That everyone in our life is

linked together for eternity.

Why this happened to all of us, we will not know until

God takes us home to live with him. So I dont dwell on it;

I accept it. My biggest problem is to forgive myself

for not showing Bob all the love I have for him in the

last few weeks of his life. My hospice therapist says that

some people have no control over their feelings in a time

like that, that our bodies take over to protect us. But this

doesnt help me cope with the facts that maybe I didnt hold

him enough; that I didnt kiss him enough or tell him I loved

him enough. I have to forgive myself for this, so that I

can go on.

All of you will find what helps you cope with your grief;

I know you will because you are stronger than you think.

God Bless you all

Joyce

[pandorra]

Angela, gee, you struck a chord with me. I went to the mall for the first time tonight and cried on the way home. And jeff used to take my hand and kiss it while he was driving also. Reading your post made my heart tighten up. The last time I was at the mall with with him while we christmas shopped and looked for an outfit for my holiday employee dinner.

At one point I saw a really nice men's jacket. Before he passed I was bugging him that we need to get him a new jacket. It was so weird. I saw the jacket and thought, "Oh,thats perfect for him. I think I will get that." ?? I just stopped. Stunned that I even did that. After that I charged up a butt load of clothes and bought a bag of chocolate at See's and Godiva. I think I was just trying to soothe myself. My pocketbook is hurting.

JLizzy, remember that you said we don't have all the answers until we return to our spirit form. Please try to remember that Bob is all knowing now and he KNOWS how much love you have for him even if you didnt show as much as you wanted to at the end. I tell myself the same thing because I was grumpy and mad on Jeff's last day here and I ignored his messages. Last time I would get to speak to him, and I throw it away. I know he must be fully aware now of how deep my love is, so it probably doesn't matter to him if I was grumpy on his last day.

[lauraa]

Hrllo Everyone,

Just want you all to know I cry everyday and alot. I can't help it....the tears just flow. I miss my husband with every fiber of my body and I am completely lost without him. We lived each day for each other and now he is gone...that is a tough one and honestly I don't think I will ever truely get over this loss. I have had alot of tragedy in my life but this one takes the cake. I am just taking it one day at a time and I have made my children my priority. I feel that I will be alone for the long haul as I can't begin to fathom that anyone could ever fill the hole in my heart. I am truely amazed that one body could produce these many tears and that my heart really and truely could feel broken. I am just completely broken...my heart, my soul, my faith....I am searching for meaning to survive....thank goodness for my children. In the beinning I wondered how the heck I could pull myself together to raise them the rest of the waya alone but now I can see that they were the ones that gave me strength to move forward and for that I am truely thankful...and, with each passing day I see so much of their dad in them all and I can see him working thru them...that is both bitter sweet for me...He loved and cherished his children so much and his biggest suffering was the thought of leaving us. He was the best man I have ever known and the world is less without him.

ANGELA, I just want you to know that I understand your lonliness and your feelings...and, you have been totally supportive to everyone when you post. It is o.k. if when you post it's not upbeat...you can express your anger and disappointment here...it's o.k.

JOYCE, there you are....I have missed you but I understand where you are when your not posting. I know about those last days of not holding them and telling them like we should have, BUT, we fought to the very last second of his life and not for one minute did I want to discourage him and by breaking down with him I was afraid he would see how scared I was and I didn't want to scare him. After I was awake for 4 straight days when my husband was in the ICU I went home and I did had a breakdown/crying fit in the bathroom and I think of that now and I cry because if he heard me I know it would of just devastated him to know I was that low...and I think he did...so I re-run that in my mind and I hope he didn't give up because he knew how hard it was on me. The bottom line is I think they know what our intentions were and how much we loved them. If I feel overwhelmed I talk to his picture and outloud tell him how sorry I am and how very much I loved him. I think he knows that.

PANDORRA,I think we all rerun all the what if's in our minds...and I cry everytime I go to the mall (not often)and I always cry while I'm driving. I think we all in our hearts know that our loved ones knew we loved them with our entire beings. I'm sure they are looking down on us with complete admiration and thanks that we were with them at their time of "passing"....We made their lives complete and fulfulled.

DOUBES, It is cruel...I call it a slow torture! No-one should have to feel like this...it is the absolute worst thing to have to go thru. It shatters everything. I feel there are times that I have to dig down as deep into my soul that I can go to gather the strength and energy to go on. The zest is gone and I don't know what will make it feel right again.

One thing my husband showed me was how to live and how to die...I'm not scared to die anymore!You all just know like Robin Renee said, "they are closer to us than our own hearts". Try to remember that and have a good day...I will be thinking of all of you.

[patriotsmom]

hello everyone,

the last few days have been really hard on me..i too have done nothing but cry..there is no such thing as sleep right now for me..i have gone over and over the last week i had with dave in my mind and i'am having a hard time getting over the what if's and the what only's..not being with him that day, the pain is sooo deep. not having my "one last time" with him.. i feel so much of your alls pain and sadness..the answers we will never know until it is our time to cross over and we are with our love ones again..i have had family and friends tell me that someday i will meet someone else, but i do not see that for me because dave was everything i wanted in my life..he completed every part of my life..we had such a connection that was so honest and real. true "soulmates"..i miss him with every part of my being that i don't see that ever going away any time soon..i too have gone to the stores and would see something that dave would have liked or needed and go grab it and then realize that he is forever gone..i don't go shopping very often right now because it hurts to much..i make a list of what me and the kids need and i'am in and out very quickly..right now all i want to do is crawl in bed and stay there..but i know i have to go to work and try to have a some what normal day..the weather is starting to change and my oldest son is starting to get into playing sports and all, so i'am hoping this will help me to keep busy and not think all the time..i understand the wanting to block memories, they are to painful for me. when i do sit and think about all the good times and special times i had with dave, i just completely lose it..for right now, i try to focus on getting myself thru another day without him here..i have been reading alot of books about the afterlife, some have brought me some comfort and others make me upset..hello from heaven is one that has brought much comfort..i also have read all of john edwards books and have found much comfort from him..i guess this is why i don't sleep much also, always reading...take care always in my thoughts and prayers KIM

[nowalone]

I've recently lost my husband. He died suddenly at 38 years old. He was in the hospital with pnemonia...called me up and said he was being released. By the time I got to the hospital an hour later...since I was at work...he wasn't feeling well and ended up dying 12 hours later.

It took me a very long time to find someone like him. We had just gotten married in 2000.

At times I feel like I have a big weight on my chest...this feeling doesn't go away neither. He not only lived with me but worked with me too so there is no escape for me. Everywhere I go I realize he isn't here anymore and will never be here again.

I'm just really really lost right now. I'm trying to deal with things slowly but it is really really hard some days too.

[patriotsmom]

Grief Is - Author Unknown

Grief is more than just a constellation of feelings in

response to a loss.

Grief does not fade with the passage of time. We do

not realize our losses in an instant; we realize them

over years. We do not get over it, but instead go

through it, not just once, but as many times as we do.

Through grief we honor our losses and weave them into

tapestries of our lives so we can stay connected with

all we have loved and still continue to live on at the

same time. We do not honor the dead with funerals

alone; we honor them with our lives. Like love, grief

is timeless. Like love, you cannot predict exactly how

and when grief will manifest.

Grief changes form and eludes definition.

Grief is physical.

Grief sits on your chest, punches you in the gut,

squeezes your throat, winds everything up

breaking-point tight, and sucks the energy out of you.

Grief is holding your breath, or breathing fast and

shallow like a scared rabbit.

Grief is lazy and lethargic.

Grief is exhaustion that cannot sleep, hunger that

cannot eat, and tears that will not dry.

Grief makes you feel weak, hollow, and threadbare.

Grief is clenching your teeth until you have a

headache that will not go away.

Grief is feeling rundown and getting sick over and

over again.

Grief is feeling so lousy all the time that you cannot

tell whether you are sick or depressed.

Grief is a field of fog and distance where we wander

lost and aimless.

Grief is unexpected composure, lucidness, and

productivity that seem out of place.

Grief is rejecting the notion that someone is dead.

Grief is a calm sullen silence, a vacuum into which we

withdraw.

Grief is forgetting and then remembering again that

someone is really dead.

Grief is not being able to think about anything else.

Grief is dreaming about your loved one.

Grief is feeling their presence, seeing their face,

hearing their voice-even though they are dead-or being

frustrated because we cannot.

Grief is a protest, a temper tantrum, a refusal to

give up without a fight over something that is already

gone.

Grief is an intense negotiation over events that have

already happened, a barrage of what-if's and

if-only's.

Grief is a hope turned backwards in time.

Grief is yelling at the beautiful sunrise because it

means time is abandoning your loved one.

Grief is a plea to undo what cannot be undone.

Grief is rejected offerings and ungranted prayers.

Grief is retracing the steps that led our loved one

from this world.

Grief is wanting to bear witness to and comfort the

pain and suffering they experienced.

Grief is feeling guilty because we did not stop death,

could not revert death, and cannot change death.

Grief is an accountability session.

Grief is damage control.

Grief is knowing we do not deserve to be alive any

more than our loved one deserves to be dead. Grief is

wondering why fate chose them and not us.

Grief is feeling guilty for moving on, guilty for

living, and guilty for enjoying life without them. Is

it irreverent to savor the foods they are no longer

here to enjoy? Is it disrespectful to have a good

belly laugh while mourning?

Grief is a sigh-a reluctant surrender to powers

greater than ours.

Grief is a radical depletion of will and inspiration.

Grief is throwing your hands up into the air and

collapsing onto the floor into despair.

Grief is unabashedly wailing and drowning in your own

snot and tears.

Grief is an inventory of what has been lost.

Grief is a dim spotlight that illuminates the void

where a life once was.

Grief is a fear that life is all there is and it is

not enough.

Grief is fear of living with the loss and losing more.

Grief clings to what we love as if every good-bye is

the last. The imagination has a field day turning

every early morning or late night phone call into a

death notice and every rush-hour delay into a fatal

accident.

Grief is examining every relationship, turning it

upside down, considering its loss, and mourning it,

before we venture to engage more deeply.

Grief is choosing to endure loneliness and despair

over facing the fear of further loss.

Grief is coming to terms with the fact that we will

all die someday whether we share life or experience it

alone.

Grief is the identity crisis that ensues when we lose

those who help define who we are, how we live, and how

we relate to one another. And now that they are gone,

are we still the person they helped define? How do we

live? How do we relate? Certainly not the same. How

can I be a best friend if my best friend is dead? How

can I be a big sister if my little brother is dead?

How can I be a mother if I have no children left? How

can I be a son after my father dies? What am I to be

instead? Grief is an influx of freedom to re-create

the self as old expectations of who we once were fade.

Grief is sometimes a vow to fulfill wishes of the

dead.

Grief is panning through memories over and over

searching for jewels.

Grief is believing every pebble is a gem. Grief is

celebration.

Grief is saying thank you.

Grief is admitting that there was no gold in the pan.

Grief is a confession of regrets.

Grief is saying you are forgiven or forgive me.

Grief is saying God forgive you because I can't.

Grief is saying screw you for leaving me.

Grief is turning ordinary objects-a hairbrush, a note,

a pin- into Sacred vestiges.

Grief is a moment frozen in time-a dead child's

bedroom that will never be cleaned, a shirt that will

never be washed, or a message on the answering machine

that will never be erased.

Grief is talking about your loved one again and again

and choosing to ignore those that roll their eyes.

Grief is avoiding the reminders and trying to forget.

Grief is clinging to the reminders and trying to

remember more.

Grief is recalling special moments and crying.

Grief is being able to remember the special moments

and smile instead of crying.

Grief is having a friend of your loved one pay a visit

and realizing after they leave that there was more to

your loved one than you ever knew.

Grief is being inspired to carry out the acts of

beauty and kindness that your loved one is no longer

here to deliver.

Grief is buying lunch for the homeless man you

normally ignore and sitting with him to eat because

you know it is something your loved one would have

done.

Grief is understanding your loved one more by being

more like them.

Grief is understanding that you can still get to know

someone even after they are dead.

Grief is wondering where your loved one really is and

if they can see you, hear you, or read your mind.

Grief is waving or calling to them just in case.

Grief is forging signs and symbols to replace the

words you can no longer share.

Grief is knowing the rainbow that should now

scientifically exist on a Cloudy day is a message to

you saying "I exist."

Grief is hearing that special song on the radio and

knowing your loved one is with you.

Grief is sitting in bed crying in the middle of the

night saying God I miss you. Please, if you are there,

give me a sign and hearing a bird sing a happy tune in

the darkness and knowing that song was your answer.

Grief is discovering pieces of what was lost in places

you do not expect.

Grief is looking at the sunset and knowing it is extra

beautiful because your loved one is a part of it and a

part of Creation than the scope of your contemplation.

Grief is grasping opportunities to connect, to share,

and to care that you might have otherwise left for

tomorrow because you are ever mindful now that there

may be no tomorrow.

Grief is being able to distinguish better what is

really important and meaningful after all is said and

done and choosing to do more of it.

Grief is the yearning, the reaching, and the

unrequited love that hides behind our losses.

Grief is a tribute to the depth of your love.

i found this on after-life.com. to me, this expresses how i feel and what i'am going thru (what we are going thru). i hope it will have meaning to everyone here..always in my thoughts and prayers KIM

[chris4ever21]

Dear Patriotsmom

I found myself beginning to cry as I read your message.I really enjoyed that.It definately had some great points. I miss Chris so much and alot of the things said are what goes through me. I am really upset with myself because things just weren't going my way last night and instead of taking it in stride like Chris always would I flipped out, cryed,screamed at my family and friends who were only there to help. I felt so selfish, and knew Chris would be upset if he saw me do that. He was always about family and friends and enjoying everyday and when something went wrong, his responce was "that's life, atleast we're together" But now yes it's life but we're not together. And then I had a dream last night that myself, Chris and his mom and step dad were at our apartment having a dinner together. And in my dream I kept saying this has got to be a dream, he's okay and he just kept saying " Yes Amanda, I'm ok, I'm fine, I love you." I woke up in tears and could not get back to sleep even though I wanted to so I could see him again.

[iamgigglesnomore]

to nowalone, I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my soulmate 7 weeks ago suddenly from a car accident. We worked together and lived together. We were always together and loved it. I am still trying to figure out what I am doing here by myself. I really feel your pain and I dont think anyone should have to go thru this. Just remember we are not really alone. They are still with us whenever we need them. I believe this wholeheartedly. We just go on somehow. We never forget and we know that they changed us forever. I wish you peace and eventually happiness and joy. Im here if you need someone to talk to. Seek God

[patriotsmom]

chris4ever21,

i liked this letter on grief because it helped to see that what i'am feeling is "normal" and that i'am not crazy..so many of them sounded like me..i would like to make copies and send them to those who are having a hard time being around me because they don't uderstand what i'am going thru and maybe this would give them an insight on what we go thru and what we feel, when you lose the love of your life..i understand about losing control and getting upset over things that normaly we would'nt react in that way over. i have been going thru this myself and the funny thing about it, i was the one who use to say to dave when he would get upset over the small stuff, " oh well that is life" "no reason to get that upset over the things we have no control over" and now i found myself getting upset over everything big or small..so don't be hard on yourself..i come to find that it is all part of our grieving and everyone has to understand this and just "be there for us no matter what." in time ( i don't know when this will be) we will be able to deal with things better but for now i just go with the flow of my emotions and allow myself to feel what ever i need to feel at that time and moment..my dave passed away on jan 15th of this year..he passed away in his sleep and to this day we don't have an answer to why. he was only 29 and in good health. my anger right now is so deep because i was not with him when this happened, he was at his mom's and layed down to take a nap and never woke up..i never got to hold him or kiss him or tell him i love you one more time...the most part of the anger comes from the fact that his mom did not call me when this first happened (around 5:00pm) she called me at 9:00pm to tell me he was gone..she never gave me the chance to have those one last times with him..she called his dad but he was to drunk to come over to her house (plus dave and his dad weren't very close and they hadn't seen each other but maybe five times in the five years that i knew dave).i cannot understand why she thought so little of me, like i didn't matter or anything. me and dave lived together for five years, we were engaged and talking about getting married at the end of this year..it hurts so much..i'am having such a hard time letting this go..i'am sorry to go on about that like this but i have been having a really bad week ..i miss him soo much..i had a dream the first week after this happened, where i was sitting on a picnic table and dave came up to me and hugged me and kissed me and told me good-bye and that he would always be with me...i guess you can say that he gave me that one last time but i stll can't let go of the anger...take care and you will be in my thoughts and prayers

KIM

[jenmulloy]

So I feel like I'm being really, really selfish now. My niece, by marriage, and I were spending a lot of time together because her fiance was serving time for multiple felonies, she is like a year younger than me. Well, they released him and now she's at home with him and not here so much anymore. I guess we were keeping each other company, except hers got to come home and Brad never will and now I'm back to feeling completely alone. Her fiance told me tonight that I was more than welcome to move in with them, but I couldn't do that to them. They have two boys, one who is only 3 months and a four year old. I just don't think its fair. My baby is never going to know his daddy and I hate that. Everything is so hard right now, I don't want to have to do this anymore. I miss Brad so much and I don't want to have to do this all alone. I am really thinking about moving back closer to mom because everything seems to be going wrong around here. I keep asking for a sign, maybe this is it.

[blueniness]

i miss him so

that i do,, looking for answers on how to go on , and taking baby steps ,

bye for

now

[deadsoulwalking]

Kim,

I'm sitting here with tears flowing after reading "Grief Is", Grief is me,the fit is perfect. It was like reading my life in print. I thank you for taking the time to share it. -Terry

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I layed on my couch the entire day..I NEVER EVER do that..I took 3 naps and watched tv the entire day. There were some issues that upset me and I just hung low for the day. Plus I just flat out miss my husband and I just didn't deal with a darn thing. I just feel the lonliness to the core of my being and I get numb. I still can't get use to the idea that after 10 months I will never be with him again on the earth...I Can't help it but I have lost my zest for most things in life. Besides my children there is not much out there that fuels me. I was with my husband my entire life and he is the only one I ever loved or was with...I didn't need or want anyone but him. I really and truely thought we would be together until be grew old and now I'm all alone without him. I need a miracle to put my heart back together again...it actually does skip! I am completely devastated without him. I expect to still see him driving his car or coming thru the door after work. I miss everything about him. Sometimes in a fit of anger I get mad and say "why did I have to love him so much for cause if I didn't I wouldn't feel like this but I know if I didn't love him i wouldn't know true love like I did. I just miss him and still can't get use to the idea that he is gone....that's when I have to get strong and remember he did not die...just "passed on" and there is no more pain and heart ache and he is walking and loving life again. I just feel like my entire life is always about grieving for someone deeply and I am so tired. Why do we have to carry so many crosses,,,why does life have to be this hard? I just feel so low on energy but am taking it one day at a time...my kids are all also at the busiest ages, 13,15 and 20. Alot of things are sad without my husband as he would be so proud, like our oldest is going of to college next year and playing football which was our sons dream. It is just so sad for me to know the kids are sad not having him there for them...but the kids are holding their own and perservering thru...I'm really proud of them! They are all unique in their own ways.....thanks for listening and I hope everyone here had a good day and please know I really do think of all of you alot.

[jenmulloy]

I think today was harder than a lot of the past few weeks. My niece's fiance and I were talking today and I was telling him about some things that happened because we had conversations about weird things happening to him in the past and he totally crushed my thought of him understanding. I told him that I thought Brad was still messing with me, we always played fight and just horsed around. Well, I tell him this and he tells me that he doesn't believe it, that he believes when you die your spirit doesn't care about what was left behind, that it's a totally different place for you where you can't see what is going on and that you basically don't care about life as it was before. How could someone not care about their families, parents, children???? I don't know, I didn't say anything to him after that comment, especially when I have friends who have sworn they've seen a deceased relative. And the books, why would someone have a book of hundreds of spiritual encounters that were all lies? I don't know, I guess maybe I'm just too sensitive, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but I really believe my husband can see us. And the things that have gone on since he passed, things moving and smelling his cologne when there isn't any around, sorry, that's not just wishful thinking or a coincidence because it all happens when I'm at my lowest point. Like he's trying to tell me it's ok. I know not everyone believes in things like I do, but I don't believe you enter a new world when dieing and not care about who you left behind.

[chris4ever21]

JenMulloy,

I am so glad you wrote about this. This has happened to me before too. You get those people who say they can't come back and watch over you once their gone. I just don't believe that either. Maybe our loved one cannot be with us all the time every minute but I do believe they check in on us and come to comfort us when we're at our low. It is amazing how you said you have smelt his cologne because when driving home from work which is the hardest part of my day because I'm going home to noone. I will begin to cry and I will get a sense that he is sitting in the passenger seat and I will smell his cologne. And then I will put my hand in the middle and squeeze just like we used to, and can honestly get a feeling that he's there holding my hand. And yes everyone has their own opinion, that I imagine these things, but in my heart I know me and Chris were soul mates, and he will continue to comfort and love me as I will him until we meet again.I believe your story because I have the same things happen to me. Keep that faith and love inside. Love is strong just because he is not physically here doesn't mean he's not here at all.

[iocasti]

hello to everyone in here...today is my birthday.I want to believe in after death life as many of you do and as a result of that i am expecting a sign from my him. I have not yet "recieved" a special dream, a sence or a smell as many of you say...am i supposed to do something? am i doing something wrong?

[wndycity]

Hello everyone-

I havent been on for awhile. I missed you all. I have been trying to catch up with the posts. First I want to address the wedding ring issue- At the hospital when they gave me his plastic bag of personal items the first thing I did was find his wedding band and I placed it on my finger. It has not been removed and I do not see it going anywhere. It is mine now. It is something he never took off. I will leave it to my stepson when I go to join my husband. My stepdaughter wants mine. They are 10 & 13 and we discussed this. Our relationship keeps getting closer. We need each other more than ever before and we are having our date night each week. It is a wonderful thing to have them because they each have his wonderful qualities. As for grocery shopping after three months it is still heartbreaking. I HATE IT. It is one of the most painful things. I too am going to go to a spiritualist church as soon as my hypnotherapy classes end as they are on sunday. I believe in the other side and I am having some problems because my husband is not giving me any obvious signs that he is around. I think there was some at first but not now. I miss him so much. But I have to believe there is a reason for this that I just cannot understand. I KNOW I WILL BE WITH HIM AGAIN. In the afterlife and when we come back here again. (I believe in reincarnation)I am going to see Sylvia Browne next week and she is having another psychic with her that will be doing random readings. What a gift if he came through. There was much unfinished business there and I think that it would help me to cope to know he is listening to me when I talk to him. I am doing much better. I am getting through the days pretty well. I am by nature someone who can bounce out of things when I have to. I may be in denial. That is a good probability. I think whatever works right now to survive this. It is the most difficult pain to deal with. I tell myself that my son and my husband are together now. Getting to know each other in heaven. I am at the 12 1/2 wk mark. Still early into this process. I hope that I can learn from this and be able to help others through this. There has to be a reason for this hard, hard lesson I am trying to learn. I have changed in so many ways. I am sorry that I cannot remember the ladies name that lost her fiance and then had the family and EX-WIFE decide on his arrangements and then not even make sure she was there. THAT IS JUST THE CRUELEST thing I can think of. I feel so saddened that you have to lose your love and then have them disrespect you and your grief in such a way. My heart hurts for you. I will be thinking of you all.

Neva

[chris4ever21]

Thank you Tinasdad.

I am having a really hard time this week. I feel so out of it, like I'm not really here. Thursday is Chris' birthday so maybe that has something to do with it.I am starting to see the phases of grief that I go through. I was doing better for about a week were talking to him and going through his clothes and pictures was a joy that brought lots of wonderful memories and now once again I can't even sleep in our bedroom its the couch for me again. I was just laying there last night and reality really hit me and I broke down, but I am still so out of it. I was thinking to myself wow, since me and Chris just moved in to our apartment 5 days before it happened, I was just looking around thinking am I really doing this on my own, never in my life would I have imagine I could survive on my own. I went from having no bills to rent,car payment,electricity,water, its all a big shock to me. I layed there crying because yes for the past 3 months I've been alone and had no choice but to make it work. Its so frightening to look toward a future without him here,but 3 months ago when it happened I wouldn't have thought I would make it this far. I am just really confused right now.I dont know how to explain it and I don't want to sound weird it's like I'm just disconnected from everyone and everything like I am once again living in a dream

[jenmulloy]

Chris4ever21

Thank you for your response. I get so worried about who I tell things that I just try and keep my mouth shut. But Justin talked to me about being saved and I figured if he felt he was being taunted by the devil and evil spirits, which he told me once upon a time, he'd be the first to believe that Brad, and anybody for that matter, could watch over and take care of us. Like I said before, you can't convince me that he doesn't care about his kids, they are 14 and almost 22 months. I don't know, there are so many things that get me down anymore that I just plain want to give up sometimes. I have Brady, though, and I need to be strong for him. I smell his cologne sometimes and I try to talk to him all the time. I miss him so much and I just pray something happens to let me know he's still with me. I hope all finds you as well as can be.

Jen

[computermemaw2]

Hello Everyone,

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I layed on my couch the entire day..I NEVER EVER do that..I took 3 naps and watched tv the entire day. There were some issues that upset me and I just hung low for the day. Plus I just flat out miss my husband and I just didn't deal with a darn thing.

Lauraa, you could be my twin (grin). Sometimes I get so tired wearing 2 faces, one for show and one for when I'm by myself. I'm really trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, but I completely understand when you say you've lost your joy for life and don't really care about anything. There are some days I wonder what's the use? I'm trying hard to get out with my granddaughter on the weekends taking her to the movies, shopping, etc because it would be really easy to totally give up and give into this depressing hole I've gotten myself into. But it's been 14 months now and I don't see it getting any easier. I'm okay pretty much at work if I make myself concentrate. But I can lose it in a minute if I linger on my husband's picture that's hanging on the wall by my desk too long. I had a neighbor tell me they don't think any more about their grandsone who died (and they raised) becauase it hurt too much. I don't want to NOT think about my husband. Maybe I'm scared I'll forget him if I don't. Memories are all I've got left now of him and I don't intend to give those up! You keep in there! You're a lot stronger than you think. I know--I've read your share of posts--and I just wanted you to know I admire your courage. YOU'VE given me lots of strength these past months. I just wanted to tell you that and to thank you! Gayle

[pandorra]

I don’t like to think about him anymore either. It makes me sad. Im not sure my memories are good thing. I wish I could erase him from my life and then I won’t hurt like this. I am afraid to even love anyone again because what if they die on me? I cannot go through this again.

Chris4ever, I also look back and think its unbelievable I have even made it this far. Mine passed on Dec. 28 so I have made it three months. I didn’t think I would live through the month when it happened. I was sure I would die of a broken heart, it hurt so bad. I guess Im gonna live after all. Im not sure I am happy about that. I just go through the motions of each day. But at least I can do that now I guess.

Jenmulloy, it doesn’t matter what other people believe. It doesn’t change what you believe and it doesn’t change what is really true. I think there are too many incidents and happenings that make it almost impossible for me to believe that spirits do not have contact with us.

Every day is hard. I seem to be more normal at work. I probably appear to be okay to everyone here at my job. But as soon as it gets around 4:30, I feel myself sinking. When I shut my o ffice door and leave and walk to my car, I am sinking fast. I guess because that is when I would have had my time with him. I would be going to him or calling him to see what was for dinner or just to talk. I still can’t believe he is gone. Maybe it will never ever sink in that he is gone. I keep hearing this song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” It talks about being all alone. It’s the song that is on when my alarm goes off. I get in my car and it will be the song that is on. I accidently hit the on button on the radio on my desk, and that song is on. I feel it’s a sign to let me know that I am always going to be alone now. there will never be another for me. I mean, no one could compare to jeff anyway. How we were made so perfectly for eachother. It depresses me. But I am learning to go through the motions of the day I guess. At least the girls at work have managed to make me laugh, even if it’s a shallow laugh.

[angelam]

Hello everyone,

I dont post often - but usually read and cry, read and cry, read and cry, you know the routine. Every once in a great while I will see someone in utter despair and I might try my hand - but I dont know if I am much good to anyone right now. I seem to have one good day, then I get sad that I had a good day, and then I have 2 sad days........I havent quite figured out why I am still here and Michael isnt - if that makes any sense. I just dont know why I am here anymore.

However, a friend of mine just sent me this. For the sake of copyright law I have no clue where it originated, who wrote it, where or when. But here it is.

It says it all for me - and I wanted to share.......

I THOUGHT OF YOU

I thought of you with love today,

But that is nothing new,

I thought about you yesterday and

The day before that too.

I think of you in silence,

I often say your name,

But all I have is memories and

Your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake,

With which I'll never part,

God has you in his keeping,

I have you in my heart.

I shed tears for what might have been,

A million times I've cried,

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still,

In my heart you hold a place,

No-one could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you didn't go alone,

For part of me went with you,

The night God took you home.

[jenmulloy]

I needed to see him again, needed to hear his voice. I watched our wedding tape and it killed me. We lost his dad and my grandmother a few years ago and they were on the video too. It sucks that so much changes so fast. We would've been married seven years this year, together eight and I don't want to accept that I'll never see him again, never touch him again. I'd give anything to hear him say I love you again. I don't want to do this anymore, I just want this all to be a really bad nightmare that I'm going to wake up from and find him home again.

[patriotsmom]

hello everyone,

jenmulloy,

i too feel the same way..i refuse to accept the fact that dave is forever gone..i want this nightmare to go away and for someone to tell me that everything is okay..it is so hard to explain how i feel in side right now..it's like, please for one moment let this not be true..does that make any sence? i don't make much of that now a days..i miss everything about him so much that i can't breath somedays..

angelam,

thank you for sharing the poem..it brought alot of tears..as long as there is a beat in my heart, i will never stop loving dave.

life has been so hard to go on without him.. this week has been a real hard one for me..i think the numbness that i have been feeling has worn off and the gates of emotions have really opened up.. everything i do,hear ,say, think is dave..my days and nights are so lonely without him..i never thought that i would ever feel this much pain in my heart like i do now..i wish so much that none of us has to go thru what we are enduring right now in our lifes..

all my thoughts and prayers to you all..

kim

[cvaughan598]

Jenmulloy, Laura and all...

Haven’t been here in a while and I know some of you wondered about me. I have been incredibly busy… or trying to keep myself that way whether I liked it or not. I’m so tired of crying all the time I just gave myself so much to do that I didn’t have time to think about my pain anymore. Can’t avoid it forever I suppose as it hit me yesterday.

I was presenting at a state teachers conference on Tuesday. I have been dreading this presentation and didn’t want to do it right up until the time that it was out turn to present. I seriously considered just not showing up. Understand that I used to love speaking and love presenting and being in front of people. That was before I lost Rikki. I am a totally different person now as all of us are. I don’t like many of the things that I used to and do like things that I didn’t used to. Anyway, I was getting ready to walk out and I just said you know what, I need to do this because the other three women that were presenting with me needed me. So I presented. When the reviews came back to us, they were all VERY good. Some were even specifically about me and my part of the presentation. I felt like I was myself again. That was Tuesday. I went to the final day of the conference yesterday (Wednesday) and didn’t want to be there again. As I was leaving at lunch to head to pick up Madison, I realized that yesterday was the 8th month that I had been without Rikki… and that she had come to be with me and comfort me and give me the strength and courage to present and do my best. For anybody who says that they aren’t around, they probably haven’t lost someone like we have. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t dreamt much or smelled her perfume or anything like that… but when I’m in need… When I need strength… Somehow it is always there. I can only assume and I believe in my heart that it is her coming through to help me the way she used to when she was with me. I didn’t have her to hug me and tell me that I’d do fine, or kiss me and tell me that I’d be great… Didn’t have that and it showed… But when the time came and I needed her strength and her comfort… She was there. I’m a second generation preachers kid, my dad and my grandfather are both ministers, so I believe in a Heaven and a Hell… But I also believe that Heaven is closer to us than we might think. So our loved ones are closer to us too… For those who don’t believe that, they have never experienced true love and true loss and until they do (Heaven Forbid) they will NEVER understand our feelings, our thoughts, and our knowledge of the afterlife.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Chris

[biadmin]

Light A Candle for Pope John Paul II

Pope John Paul II has touched the hearts of many as he has traveled the world with his message of peace, hope and harmony. He is a man loved by many and has been the beacon of light for the followers of the Catholic Faith. Even non-Catholics have appreciated the deepness of his devotion. We note his passing in sadness and invite people of all faiths to Light A Candle to carry on his message of peace, hope and harmony.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/beyondtalk/lightacandle.php

[pandorra]

I don't want to do this anymore either. I started to cry at work today. I thought I was done with that. I can't remember the last time I cried at work. I only cry at home or in the car now. I guess I am going on another downslide. The boss mentioned how its costing him a lot to put in a new sprinkler timer and its too hard to do himself cuz this and that blah blah. I only thought about how Jeff knew how to do it himself. Jeff put in his parents automatic sprinkler system all by himself. Jeff could do anything. HE took care of me. He was so wonderful and now I have nothing.

I hate the way I feel strong some days and today, I just can't do it. Yesterday I got home from work and just crawled into bed and cried and didn't wake up until this morning. Im not gonna make it. I hope a big truck runs me over or something cuz I really have no desire to be here. I am so damned angry at how this turned out. If we really do have a choice about our lives and there is reincarnation, etc, then I am never coming back to this crappy planet again if I can help it.

Chris, I am glad you did good for your presentation and you felt good for a while.

[computermemaw2]

I don't want to do this anymore either. I started to cry at work today. I thought I was done with that. I can't remember the last time I cried at work. I only cry at home or in the car now. I guess I am going on another downslide. The boss mentioned how its costing him a lot to put in a new sprinkler timer and its too hard to do himself cuz this and that blah blah. I only thought about how Jeff knew how to do it himself. Jeff put in his parents automatic sprinkler system all by himself. Jeff could do anything. HE took care of me. He was so wonderful and now I have nothing. I hate the way I feel strong some days and today, I just can't do it. Yesterday I got home from work and just crawled into bed and cried and didn't wake up until this morning. Im not gonna make it. I hope a big truck runs me over or something cuz I really have no desire to be here. I am so damned angry at how this turned out.

Pandorra, you just hang in there. We've all been there, done that--the same as you. I completely understand the crying jags and coming home going straight to bed. I do the same thing usually, except for Tues and Thurs when I babysit my granddaughter while my daughter goes to night school. Last weekend I wanted to put up a new towel rack in the bathroom and I was looking for my husband's drills and couldn't find a darned one! So, I called my son-in-law and asked him if he could put it up for me. It's Thurs and I still have the pieces laying in the bathroom. I HATE having to depend on asking someone else to "do me a favor" or have to pay someone to do things my husband could do with one hand behind his back. (Have you noticed how many of us have stated how smart, nice, the best guy on earth, could do anything our spouses were)? Heaven must be having quite a party with all our loved ones! And Home Depot is probably going to make a small fortune from all of us who intend to start taking weekend classes learning how to do the things like fixing a running toiler, changing out medicine cabinets, painting tips, etc. (grin). I, too, have said to myself there isn't any way I'm volunteering to come back. I just hope it helps you to know you're not alone in your feelings. Gayle

[computermemaw2]

I am a totally different person now as all of us are. I don’t like many of the things that I used to and do like things that I didn’t used to.

Your words say it all. But, Chris, I'm SO PROUD of you!!!! Your comments many times have made me take a deep breath and square my shoulders. Gayle

[computermemaw2]

Hello Everyone,

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I layed on my couch the entire day..I NEVER EVER do that..I took 3 naps and watched tv the entire day. There were some issues that upset me and I just hung low for the day. Plus I just flat out miss my husband and I just didn't deal with a darn thing.

Lauraa, you could be my twin (grin). Sometimes I get so tired wearing 2 faces, one for show and one for when I'm by myself. I'm really trying hard not to feel sorry for myself, but I completely understand when you say you've lost your joy for life and don't really care about anything. There are some days I wonder what's the use? I'm trying hard to get out with my granddaughter on the weekends taking her to the movies, shopping, etc because it would be really easy to totally give up and give into this depressing hole I've gotten myself into. But it's been 14 months now and I don't see it getting any easier. I'm okay pretty much at work if I make myself concentrate. But I can lose it in a minute if I linger on my husband's picture that's hanging on the wall by my desk too long. I had a neighbor tell me they don't think any more about their grandson who died (and they raised) because it hurt too much. I don't want to NOT think about my husband. Maybe I'm scared I'll forget him if I don't. Memories are all I've got left now of him and I don't intend to give those up! You keep in there! You're a lot stronger than you think. I know--I've read your share of posts--and I just wanted you to know I admire your courage. YOU'VE given me lots of strength these past months. I just wanted to tell you that and to thank you! Gayle

[jenmulloy]

Chris and Everyone,

I am so proud of you... I know that is something you loved to do before and I do believe it is her trying to get you to do just exactly that, surround yourself in the things you loved to do. I know how hard it is because I still try and do things he loved to do and end up breaking down. I had a garage sale and sold our foosball table and it sucked because we played and he couldn't accept when a girl could beat him. A preacher bought it and I don't know why, but just because it was a preacher I felt a little bit better about it, almost like it was his way of saying it was okay. I smelled his cologne a lot more the first few months after he died, not that four months is long, and I dreamed aobut him a lot more also. People tell me I read too much into things and that I have wishful thinking when I mention something that has gone on that was out of the ordinary. Im sorry, you can't convince me that after someone dies they don't care about the life they left behind. Children, spouses,family , friends, no you don't just forget about them, I really don't believe that. I've read so much about after life occurences, that I know just by some of the stories, I've had them. There may not be proof that there is such thing as the after life, but there is no proof that there isn't either. You were also right on the money about the friends thing. It sucks that people don't know how to approach you so they just forget about you. My friend Michelle, who I'm staying with, is the only one who I talk to on a regular basis, who doesn't just specificly talk about Brad. She'll ask how I'm doing and I'll answer and she'll tell me about her kids and everything and not thrive on the "I'm so sorry" all the time. That's what I need, the brief I hope you are doing okay and then the conversation, something else that helps me think about good things and not try and be so sad all the time. I'll never forget Brad and I know I'll never forget finding him that morning, but this feeling of helplessness has to get better, right?

[iocasti]

I needed to see him again, needed to hear his voice. I watched our wedding tape and it killed me. We lost his dad and my grandmother a few years ago and they were on the video too. It sucks that so much changes so fast. We would've been married seven years this year, together eight and I don't want to accept that I'll never see him again, never touch him again. I'd give anything to hear him say I love you again. I don't want to do this anymore, I just want this all to be a really bad nightmare that I'm going to wake up from and find him home again.

I dont thing its a good idea to to watch weeding tapes or photos. In case that are beloved exists (which i want to beleive)their existance has changed from what we used to know...so just try to feel him and sence him arround you and yes i believe that the nightmare that we are living in will end ...when our time to meet them in another dimension will come for us ...but till that moment our lifes go on...try to make the best of you waht you can do...and smile, smile, smile couse if he is wathcing you crying i know that he will not be happy with that....i am sending you a big love smile... and i hope you will understand what i mean...

[cvaughan598]

I watch our wedding tapes on a regular basis. Its really the only "video" that I have showing her move and where you can here her talk. It is all I have to show Madison about her mother when she grows up. I guess it is just different strokes for different folks... I have to watch it. It helps me get through my days to think about Rikki!

I have been reading the posts and someone said that all of your husbands were handy around the house... My wife made my home... She cooked, cleaned, payed the bills, washed the clothes, did the shopping... She wouldn't let me do it because she thought I'd mess it up! That doesn't even include that she was one of the most innovative teachers I have EVER met! And in my conferences and studies, I've met A LOT! Rikki's sister told me on Wednesday (8 month anniversary) that Rikki wouldn't be happy with me knowing that I had stopped going to church. So I picked up my bible and started thinking and praying again. Heres a thought for all of you... One that doesn't take the pain away, but gives a bright light on our loved ones!

God is creating a place for us when we pass on to be with our loved ones. It seems that its always the good ones that go first... Maybe he takes them first because he can rely on them to get things ready for the rest of us? He needs your husbands to build, contruct, and finish projects and things to be ready for us... Rikki is there to teach the young that have passed on before their time. To take care of things around "the house" until I get there.

Probably just an nutty thought, but either way. Maybe I'm finally going back up on this roller coaster they call grief... I've been down for so long, it feels nice to be able to function a little bit.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers!

Chris

[chris4ever21]

Hey everybody. I hope everyone is doing as well as they possibly can be. I haven't been on in awhile. Yesterday was Chris' birthday and I tried to have a good day and remember the good times but of course I cried alot. He is 22 yrs old now. So, I got some flowers and a Happy Birthday balloon and an I love you balloon and took them to his grave and sat there for most of the afternoon and read him poems and talked to him alot. Then, not sure if it was a good idea or not, I took flowers and balloons to the tree were the accident occured. And tied the balloons around the tree and it was so crazy. The tree is right alongside the road in front of a house just past a sharp turn which is what they think contributed to the wreck something ran into the road and he tried to avoid it and lost control, but it was so hard to stand at that tree and look at the picture of us so happy that I hung along with the crosses and other gifts. I have been to that tree several times and the first time I picked up some of his things like a miniature bottle of his cologne that must have been thrown out of the car and his car air freshner and his VW emblem. But this time which its been almost 4 months since the accident and I went back on his birthday and there right by the tree was his large bottle of Armani cologne unbroken with cologne still in it. So I took it and sprayed it on his shirts that I lounge in and wear to bed. It may have been coincidental or the people that live in the house may have found it in the yard and put it by the tree assuming it was Chris. Either way it was wonderful to find it and it was like he was laying right there as I fell asleep last night and then dreamt about him. They say scent is the strongest tie to memory. Just wanted to share that. I am praying for you all. God bless

[pandorra]

(Have you noticed how many of us have stated how smart, nice, the best guy on earth, could do anything our spouses were)? Heaven must be having quite a party with all our loved ones!

That brought a smile to my face. Thanks. It made me chuckle. I guess Heaven must be filled with some wonderful people.

I did a bit better today. I just don't know why I am so depressed and crying so much more now. I think because my anger is fading. It was so much easier when I was so mad at Jeff for leaving me. Now the anger is fading and I am filling up with sadness. I think I prefer the anger and bitterness.

[celticlady]

I needed to see him again, needed to hear his voice. I watched our wedding tape and it killed me. We lost his dad and my grandmother a few years ago and they were on the video too. It sucks that so much changes so fast. We would've been married seven years this year, together eight and I don't want to accept that I'll never see him again, never touch him again. I'd give anything to hear him say I love you again. I don't want to do this anymore, I just want this all to be a really bad nightmare that I'm going to wake up from and find him home again.

Hi, I lost my husband xmas 2004, on holiday, my sons birthday, it was in an accident, he fougtht hard to survive for 12 days, in a country where I didn't speak the language, since then I have felt most of the emotions that you all write about. Since Davids death I seem to have become a maniac, racing everywhere at 100mph, guess I am afraid to stop and face what lies there waiting for me. I have been lucky to be left financially stable, which I have used to renovate our house, taken on a second job. Go out with people, travel, anything that means I don't have time to think too much. Never really understood the expression " you can be alone even in a crowded room" I do now. Survived all of the 1st's actually for me, they were never that bad, it is always a few days later, guess I just prepare myself for the worst, then let down the defences then pow!! My son is 16yrs he will not stay in the room if we are talking about David, nor would he go to the hospital, he has not cried, the ostrich approach I guess, the thing is there is no right way or wrong way to deal with these things, all you can do is whatever feels right at the time for you. Do not beat yourself for what you can't change. The pain doesn't get any easier, but you do learn to cope with it better. My daughter in law writes poetry, and at a later date I would like to share it with you all, just maybe it will help someone else out there. My thoughts go out to you all.

I dont thing its a good idea to to watch weeding tapes or photos. In case that are beloved exists (which i want to beleive)their existance has changed from what we used to know...so just try to feel him and sence him arround you and yes i believe that the nightmare that we are living in will end ...when our time to meet them in another dimension will come for us ...but till that moment our lifes go on...try to make the best of you waht you can do...and smile, smile, smile couse if he is wathcing you crying i know that he will not be happy with that....i am sending you a big love smile... and i hope you will understand what i mean...

[celticlady]

hope this brings some comfort

The Journey

We walked through life together

But now our paths divide

And I must face what lies ahead

Without you by my side

The journey now grows harder

We are taken different ways

But I turn to you for courage

As I face my darkest days

For we are not really parted

I feel you here with me

With every thought and with every breath

With endless memories

So although I face this road alone

You are not really gone

For our hearts are still together

And together journey on.

written for me by my daughter in law, on my husbands death last year.

My you find the strength you need to carry on,

[computermemaw2]

I have video tapes of my granddaughter (from birth to age 8) and watch them now because my husband is in them from time to time. Although I am still sad whenever I see scenes with him, I am also comforted and can smile through my tears. I will continue to watch them. To me, this isn't denial of his physical death, it is reinforcement and confirmation of a great love shared. And whenever I feel through these awful moments that I am going crazy and beginning to forget what he looks like, I have his photos that are still out with the family photos and these tapes to look at to remind me. Just because he physically died doesn't mean I now have to remove every reminder of his existance when he was here. We each do what we need to to survive and get through these times. Gayle

[jenmulloy]

I don't think it was wrong to watch our wedding video. When I feel like I'm forgetting Brad or can't seem to hear his voice, it's comforting. Not to say it doesn't make me sad, but in a way it's keeping him alive for me. I have two videos with Brad in them, our wedding and one of various stages in Brady's life. Our first video has his daughter in it with him and the second Brady, so I have one for each of them. I'll never forget him, but I am afraid of him slipping away from me now that he's gone and I never want that to happen. He will always be the one love of my life no matter what the future holds. I know not everyone deals with everything the same way, but everyone had individual relationships and intervals with loved ones. I feel selfish when someone tells me they lost their husband of 40 years because I only had Brad for eight and would have given anything for 40 years. I've come to the point where I know I have to do what's best for me and my son, I just can't seem to take that step forward because I'm so afraid of being alone, which I am, but I'm not in the same instance. I live with my mother-in-law right now and my step daughter and son, but get driven crazy because I'm horrible if I take Brady and move close to my mom and step dad and friends from high school. I just want to be the happiest I can be given the circumstances and right now, his family isn't making me happy. If you leave you have to promise to come visit, if you leave you'll be abandoning Regi, who I have no legal custody over, if you leave no one will get to know Brady like they should. If I leave, it will be in the best interest of me and Brady and Brady is mine, not anybody elses.

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone

Haven't been here in awhile...my computer crashed....I have been slowing sinking into a depression and I fight everyday not for that to happen. I think spring has been difficult as it represents new life and my husband is gone..and my one year anniversary is on May 16th...I am anxious and not sleeping well and working really hard trying to get my home back in order. I just get this profound overwhelming feeling of loss that sometimes feels so unbearable. I feel so alone and sad without my husband. After 11 months I still am having a hard time accepting he is gone and I am flooded with memories of when he was healthy and I want him back...it is a total nightmare. I also amm flooded with memoried of when he was sick and I get really sad.....I am fighting on a daily basis not to fall into a deep depression....it's the hardest journey by far thta I have ever had to go thru.

CHRIS, thanks for your post as usual you inspire me as you perservere thru your pain.

GAYLE, thanks for your support..it's feels good to know someone out there can relate to my feeling.

I don't think that anyone could possibly know about the feeling of the afterlife unless they have been thru what we have so I would only take their opinion with a grain of salt.

I can't go to church either (only my spiritusl church) and I can't pray..I think that is why I am feeling depressed because always in my life when all else failed I always had god to fall back on and now I feel so alone and even that god is not with me????The worst possible thing has happened to me and I can not pray...does anyone have any advice for me?????

Peace to everyone.....

[jenmulloy]

Laura

I too have a hard time trying to pray. I know I should thank him for each day I have with the kids and not losing them too, but it's so hard to be thankful for anything sometimes. I guess it was my mom who kind of pushed me into doing the little praying that I end up doing. I told her one day that I couldn't pray to someone who took my husband away, the love of my life, and at only 24, he was 34, to boot. Well, mom has MS and can't barely walk. She told me that she could be mad at God too, but she accepts that her MS is just another journey in her life and that, yes, she does get angry, but she doesn't believe he purposely intends to hurt us. I know words don't always help, lord knows I struggle on a daily basis, even with support. I think it's the strength my mom has dealing with a debilitating disease that you can't ever stop that makes me envy my mother's strength. She's also lost her mom and best friend to cancer, as well as dealing with me having cancer as a child. I guess I try and go to her to get strength and she's good at putting me in my place when I get to the point where I say I wish I weren't here anymore. The pain hurts so bad, worse than anything I've ever gone through, and it just doesn't seem to go away and I hate it. I have to tell you, you have been a great support for me also and for many others through posts I read and that is a great strength for all of us here. We're all in the same boat and I guarantee everyone feels the same about praying as you and I do. Like I said before, I have a hard time thanking for each day when each day I'm alone without Brad and lonliness, to say the least, sucks. I've never been alone and I'm sure you haven't been in a long time. I know he's with me in a spiritual sense, I do believe that, but it's not the same, even though it's comforting sensing him around. I hope this message finds you in as good as day as can be. You are in my thoughts and prayers, few as they come these days.

[cvaughan598]

I think it will always be hard for me to pray. Because I know he took Rikki from me and Madison. Having to think about Madison without her mother now that she is pulling up and crawling around and getting into EVERYTHING... Thinking about how her mother should be with me to experience her growing. I know she is in spirit but it isn't the same. It makes it hard to pray to a God that can cause so much pain. I know He has a reason, but that doesn't mean I understand it. When I pray I tell him how hurt and angry I am at the situation that he has put me in. But I also know that He wouldn't have put me here in this situation if he didn't think I could adapt. Doesn't mean I like it or ever will...

But for Madison I will live through this life. Big and Rich has a song called "Live this Life." The lyrics go... I'll live this life until this life won't let me live here anymore, I'll live this life then I will walk with patience through that open door, I have no fear 'cause angels follow me wherever I may go, I'll live this life til this life won't let me live here anymore..."

If not for Madison I think I would already be with Rikki. But because of Madison, I'll stay here and wait until He decides its my time. I like to think of the afterlife like Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven... They do live a seperate life after they leave us, but they don't leave us. They are watching over us and see what we do. They are waiting for us to join in their new lives. I'm sure many of us have differing opinions on that. But I cannot see Rikki wanting to have children SO bad and then not watching her child grow up.

This grief is a roller coaster and we are all on it. I know some of you are down and I know those feelings. My therapist told me to get out of the house whenever I could so I didn't just sit there. So I have been trying. Doesn't keep me from thinking about Rikki... Just keeps me from stewing over it and getting angrier at God. Just something to consider, do not sit at home and stew as it only makes it worse. I am thinking and praying for you each and everyday as I know you are the ones that can relate to my pain and me to yours. Its difficult to think we are so spread out, with so many different stories, and so many different ages... Some of us have been with our loved ones for years... Others like Jen and myself for only 8... Some never got the chance to marry but still experienced the love that comes with it. Yet we all feel the same pain. I can't help but think that there has to be some sort of reward for spending our lives in pain and missing our soulmates... I hope for that, I pray for that... Because we all deserve something good for what we are going through right now.

Peace and prayers,

Chris

[lauraa]

Chris,

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I hope we will all be rewarded for our suffering like this. Our loved ones suffered and that was their cross and now we are suffering and this is ours. They say eeverything happens for a reason but I'm not sure what that reason is. It's is so hard when life throws us a curve ball and changes in a heartbeat. Our security net disappears and we are left to pick up the pieces. Our constant security vanishes and suddenly we are not secure anymore in any way. It is a long hard road. A rollercoster..I always hated rollercoasters! I lost everything the day my husband "passed". I have to pull myself up by the boat straps everyday....I think my one year anniversay is playing havic on me..just like Easter did. I thought if I could get thru Christmas and New Years the others dates would be easier...I was wrong....it seems to be getting harder for me...maybe that is what the one year marker is all about???? My therapist said all the feelings surrounding that time of his passing will come right back to the surface..I guess she is right...only this time it feels more intense as I am not fighting to keep him alive like I was last year. It is so uncomfortable for me to feel anger and to have a hard time praying...I guess I just didn't feel like god listened to my prayers for healing that he wouldn't listen now???? I'm just so hurt and wounded by the loss of my husband....I loved him with everything I had....now I don't love anything (except my kids). Thank you all for listening and supporting me....I'm sorry I haven't been as supportive as I once felt I was.....I just feel physically/mentally/spiritually....drained. I am fighting hard every minute to head back up the mountain.

[jenmulloy]

I think I definately want to move back where Mom is. I have no stress right now, I have the support from my friends, even though I know they can tell something is different, and I don't have his family watching every single move I make. I bought a few things at walmart one week and the whole family asked me where I got the money from and they thought I was broke because I told my niece I wouldn't loan her a thousand dollars that she "knew" I had. So if I buy anything anymore I have to hide it til everybody is gone and sneak it down to the basement. I don't want to feel like that all the time. Yes, I did get a little insurance money, but that is none of their business unless I make it theirs. If I buy something out there then more comments and nasty things will be said and I don't want that. When I'm back where mom lives nobody judges me. My dad keeps telling me to wait a year before I decide so I won't regret it, but I'll go crazy staying with my mother-in-law for a year. Half his family doesn't see me as family anymore anyhow by the way they act anymore. I don't know, I'll do what seems right I guess, I just want to be as happy as I can given the cards I've been dealt. Laura, I really hope things get better for you, I really appreciate all the support you've given me over the past few months and I hope I can do just a small piece for you. Chris, your views on the afterlife mirror mine, so it helps me feel a little less crazy when someone looks at me like I'm a nutcase for some of the stuff I tell them.

[sillygirl]

LAURA, I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS AS YOU NEAR THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY. IT IS A DIFFICULT TIME FOR US ALL, BUT JUST ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND THAT GOD IS ALWAYS JUST A CALL AWAY. I STILL MISS MY HUSBAND AND ALWAYS WILL, HOW CAN WE NOT? IT HAS BEEN 14 MONTHS NOW AND ONCE AGAIN I HAVE HAD TO CELEBRATE ANOTHER WITHOUT HIM, BUT I KNOW THAT HE WAS HERE WITH ME YESTERDAY AND CELEBRATED WITH ME. PLEASE STAY STRONG AND KNOW THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT YOU ALWAYS. TAKE CARE AND GOD BLESS. SUE