Loss of an Adult Child

[tobyfreefoot]

trista'sgramma--i have the same problem when wrapping and buying for my sons. i often buy the same thing and now i only have 2 sons instead of 3 and a daughter. last summer my partner handed me four of some souvenirs we had bought and said "here, one for each of the kids" i looked at him and had to say "i only need 3" my girlfriend lynn whose son just died last month sent her other son a christmas gift and went out to the car and sobbed for 45 min, because she always sends two. one for each of her sons. i know this first christmas is equally hard for you all. your family is in my thoughts often.

laurie--i think you are the one that sent me the video about consciousness beyond life by the cardiologist. i just got a chance to watch it and it helped me tremendously. it made me have more faith in an experience i had while waiting to see my son's body (3 days) and when i finally was allowed and wrapped my arms around him and lle my head on his chest. kind of a long story that was posted long ago on this thread. if i have a chance later i will tell it again. i was so sure of what i felt at the time but then i began to think it was just shock but after seeing this i feel much more certain. thank you. i really am beginning to believe our children are continuing.

[tristasgramma]

Gretchen Forest's Mom....Thank you for your input. The fact that we know we are not alone in this journey helps. I know in my heart, as I have lost so many of my loved ones, that there will be a time that my thoughts won't be constant of Trista. I have grieved the loss of parents, siblings, husband and others close to me. I know this is hard because she was so young and very close to me. Being a Christian, I have never doubted God nor his roll in what happened. My anger has never been in that direction. I just plain miss that little girl. I will until I meet her again. I just pray for peace and comfort from our heavenly Father for each of us this Christmas.

Wade....thank you so much for the ornaments. They are beautiful and such a tribute in honor of our children. Have a very Merry Christmas with your family and a safe trip back home.

Love to you all. Evelyn

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....loved that card....

when I get to feeling 'That funny flu' coming on....I take Zicam....it does give your immune system a boost...I know it works for me....don't know if it will help....we all get so run down with the 'stress of grief'....and the holidays are enough to hobble us.....everyone...'self care'....

[SamDsmom]

Lora, thank you for the card. It wss so nice. Hope everyone has a good Christmas.

Debbie

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, thank you for sharing our children with your family and friends. I have a lot of family in Wisconsin...we live in Neillsville (Marshfield) , but many of my relatives live near Endeavor/Portage area and my mom and sister live in Waukesha county. Wishing you and your wife are comfort this season...again thank you for the Christmas ornaments, my husband was very touched by your generous gesture..

Becky, thank you for sharing the link...know it is hard...I had shared your story about Jared and the hardships you endured and continue to endure. I have many well meaning people who don't understand the concept and need for justice or that some people just are not sorry, just as long as they get to continue with their life...(I have known people like this and know Ms. Rupnow falls into this category). I struggle so hard with the person who ran over Jesse, and I believe that this is a journey in itself, individual and like a rollercoaster ride.

You might find this of interest...and there was one comment on this story that caught my attention:

http://americamagazine.org/content/all-things/911-families-struggle-forgive

"Forgiveness shouldn't come easily in this matter. Of all the things Christ did, he didn't restore to life the murdered dead, I can't recall an example. He forgave his killers, but after all, that is the divine power. We share that power incompletely but suffer immensely when murder is the sin before us. Frankly, I don't think any of these grieving folks should have to forgive anything-leave the big cases for God. What's the old saying? 'Fiat justicia, ruat caelum' Let justice be done though the heavens fall. Seems about right."

Trista's Gramma, thank you for your words about faith and God. It is good that you have decided to join us. My mom is having a hard time too as Jesse was the "glue" in the family....Shannon has many good words for us all here and Trista was, is, a very sweet girl...you have the same name as my mom, Evelyn...her middle name is Grace which is also my Grandmother's name....

Gretchen, I am glad that you found help from the video...I really liked the cardiologist and he totally expressed himself like a typical physician, which I felt added to the credibility of his statements...there are many doctors who have seen this like Pim Lommel and Dr. Peter Fenwick...I would like to hear your story...

Lora, Thank you for the card. Wishing you a wonderful time with your son...

Susan, take care of yourself...lots of Vitamin C too...

Debbie and Wanda, hang in there

All, I have been updating the other thread on Healing for Grief...some new stuff includes a video from Rabbi Harold Kushner, it is more recent...found it posted on a thread from the grief for spouses...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, thought I would post the lyrics to the song, so very true...I am very melancholy right now...and this song says exactly how I feel, as I think many us feel...

JENN BOSTIC

Jealous Of The Angels Lyrics

I didn't know today would be our last

Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast

I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore

Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door

And tell me that I was only dreamin'

You're not really gone as long as I believe

There will be another angel

Around the throne tonight

Your love lives on inside of me,

And I will hold on tight

It's not my place to question,

Only God knows why

I'm just jealous of the angels

Around the throne tonight

You always made my troubles feel so small

And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall

In a world where heroes come and go

Well God just took the only one I know

So I'll hold you as close as I can

Longing for the day, when I see your face again

But until then

God must need another angel

Around the throne tonight

Your love lives on inside of me

And I will hold on tight

It's not my place to question

Only God knows why

I'm just jealous of the angels

Around the throne tonight

Singin' hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

I'm just jealous of the angels

Around the throne

Tonight

[SamDsmom]

I avoid posting lately because I feel that I sound like a broken record and have nothing to offer anyone else. I really appreciate the support and feedback I've gotten here. I feel so bad for everyone and admire those of you with some time who can offer very wise experience strength and hope. I hope that one day I will break through this and be able to do the same for others.

I have decided to break from my husband. I have realized that our relationship is not a healthy one, especially right now.

He is very angry with me for "feeling sorry for myself". We are supposed to spend Christmas day with my ex-husband and kids then pick his son up and hopefully see his daughter's children. His daughter is the one who has totally disrespected Sam, saying that she doesn't know what the big deal is now because he's dead. On the other side, my daughter is totally in her addiction right now. Her sisters are very angry, but until the last few days, I have had great difficulty setting boundaries with her since Sam passed. I have had multiple dreams over the last 5 years that i have seen her in her coffin. I have tried to dismiss it, and actually wondered how i could have gotten the wrong child when Sam left. But since she relapsed, it has all come back. A few days ago my husband exploded on me telling me I was hurting her and everyone else by not setting firmer boundaries with her. He used an example of how he had recently confronted his own daughter with her lies and disrespectful behavior. She has not spoken to him for about a month now because he confronted her. I realized that he was right and have pulled back and decided with the Lord's help I'm going to confront her. My ex husband has asked me to wait till after Christmas and I agreed. Well yesterday morning my husband told me that he apologized to his daughter with his reasoning that she is not letting his ex wife see the grandkids for Christmas and he does not want to be the bad guy. This upset me so after he asked me 5 Times what was wrong I told him. He was very angry telling me that I am selfish and full of self pity. He wants his wife back. I don't ask him how he is any more. I am filed with anger and all I do is sit and stare out the window with out talking to him. He went so far as to say he thinks I might have let some evil into our lives by having contact with my daughter while she is using drugs. He told me that he thought it low of me that I could not make his 14 year old son a priority as he always did Sam.

Well needless to say I am extremely upset. I have made up my mind that I have no choice but to leave. I just have very few options. My parents have told me that they live and support me but it has to be from a distance because they can't deal with my grief. My daughter doesn't have room. I'm sure she would make room but with 6 kids under the age of 12 in the house it gets pretty chaotic. I sort to dump this. I feel very very alone right now. We are about 100 miles from "home". We then have to run up too Kansas City and pick up our car and driver back down Tuesday morning. I am trying to hold it together and pretend that everything is okay and I have seen the error of my ways for a little longer to avoid another lecture. I just don't know how much longer I can do it. I journaled a letter to Sam today telling him how much i miss him. but i needed to talk about this here. I know her is watching. If he were here he would be livid and devastated. Thanks

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Debbie,

those things are terrible, and in my opinion, your husband is not only disrespecting you but Sam as well...

Is it an option to find a small efficiency apartment near the daughter with the six children? Then you would be able to help her with the grandkids, yet have your own space as well...a place where the grandchildren could come and visit...

Wishing peace to you, I am sorry that this happened to you. Your other daughter, there is only so much you can do...

My older sister got sucked into addiction too, it was very hard on my mom...

I would also like to suggest an Alanon program, I went to it for some years on account of my sister...it was very helpful

http://www.al-anon.org/

[Mermaid Tears]

SamsMom....you are in a circle...right in the middle...and there is something coming at you from every point on the circle....you have your own storm....your grief journey is hard enough by itself but having the extra emotional and addiction problems...it will be hard for you to think anything through with a civil..balanced mind. Many on this site has already given their thoughts ...that it may be in your best interest...to take a break. How you can take a break is up to you for none of us on this site knows your real situation.

Many on this site will tell you that many parents do break-up after the death of a child...I am not a therapist so I cannot offer any real answers on the 'why'....but...maybe the wall of grief is so high...they just can't get over it holding hands.

Some problems are not to be solved....but the passing of time will put them in a perspective...and some problems are just meant to be put in the file...'No One Knows'...

and there is that other file...'No One Wins'.....I do so hope you can reach and touch your daughter in her addiction....but...it takes one to help one....so...if you can get in touch with a Drug/rehab counselor....they will be the ones to help you..help her....for they will know what your daughter is experiencing and they can 'walk and talk' you through 'tough love'....

let us hear....please don't ever think you sound like a broken record...or that you don't have anything to offer.....we all come to this site to help one another....and we come here to get help from one another....it is just that simple.

[SamDsmom]

Thank you. I know what I have to do. I think I was just hoping that you would all tell me I'm just crazy and I could make do. I get really confused sometimes and believe what he is telling me. I try to be objective because i know I've got my share of faults and there isn't a handbook for dealing with this mess. Don't really have the energy for positive self talk. That's part of what makes this so difficult. But I know that's not right. I think I'm going to stay in the motel and let Jack see his son. We are planning a family candle lighting service for family in Christmas day.

A little apartment would be good. There is very little money right now but I'm hoping soon.

[Guest]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lora, Sorry about the mixup...you can see what kind of frame of mind I am in at times....confusion seems to go with the territory...thank you Becky for the song, and Lora for the card...

((Hugs for Debbie)) I agree with Susan...

[tobyfreefoot]

sam'smom--never feel bad about posting anything. we all sound like a broken record when we get stuck in something. i think voicing it is just a way to sort it out sometimes. makes it easier to mull over when others listen. being negative happens to everyone much less parents that have lost a child. i have seen several people break from their spouses during this terrible time. some get back together when the grief is easier to handle and others realize they aren't with the person they thought they were. this situation calls on some powerful effort on everyone's part and those that have a choice sometimes opt out for whatever reasons. it may be easier to be free to grieve as your soul requires without expectations of so many others. my grandmother use to say everything works out for the best and perhaps in general it does. i am so sorry you are having so many issues on top of coping with your first christmas without your sweet boy. feel free to unload your burdens on us. we all understand how difficult everything can be.

i also have found alanon to be helpful dealing with anyone whose behavior you wish you could change or control. addiction is so hard on everyone. alanon has helped me not drive myself crazy.

my mother just phoned, she is sick and won't be here for the holiday. so sad for all of us but i want her to get well and not end up with pneumonia. she is 84. i told her i would film madelyn getting her stuff.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, thanks so much for the lovely card. Powerful. Sore throats were going around school big time. I do like the Ricola honey herb throat lozenges...a hot-tottie before bed might be good too.

The piano song was lovely.

Susan, it is easier to get sick during this time, be careful, get some rest if you can.

Sam's Mom, we are here, just as Gretchen and Susan, Laurie and Lora and others have stated. Being here means having a place to let your sadness, anger, grief out. Here we are, you can just let it out because it is heard and you don't have to carry it all alone that way. If leaving the truck and husband right now is the best thing, I applaud you for doing it. It is hard to take big steps in the face of so much change but it is not healthy for you to keep having to hold your grief back in order to abide by someone elses' expectations. You need space and room to stretch your body and mind without anyone telling you how much is too much. Holding you. I am praying for your Daughter and for you to find the boundaries you need. We need them too in our family.

We went to our family Christmas last night, all was good until the end of the evening when my sis, MaryAnne discovered she was missing money, a chunk of money. I have a nephew who is an addict who seemed to be cleaning himself up, but that monster still drives him, and he left early...we think with the money. Prayers then for him as an intervention is planned for this evening with his parents and several of his siblings. I fear as many of you have had to deal with, that this is going to continue to be a day to day worry as its been for the last 1.5 years. I am afraid for him, afraid too, for the ways we must lock things away when he is around, it is not what he wants and yet he cannot get ahead of it. I worry that he will take his life...even though he slowly is now I have felt that there is hope, now he seems so entrenched. To steal from his Aunty who put the party together seems a desperate measure. Prayers.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of everyone and sending this message.

http://gpsinformation.info/main/merryxmas.swf

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...I was thinking of you and your family get together....I made another double batch of sugar cookies and put it in the fridge...then I made Chocolate Mole cookies...now those have what we call a 'bite'....very spicy...only the adults like them....am always enthralled about what other families prepare for holiday get togethers...so many recipes handed down from generation to generation...so sorry to hear about your nephew...and will pray the intervention will open his heart and a path opens for his recovery....it is just so scary.

My 'ex' was in the DEA....with what I know...they don't have to fly big airplanes into our buildings...all they have to do is infuse America with drugs to bring destruction and death....

Debbie...I forgot about Alanon...it is a life saver for many heart broken parents...as I have said...it takes one to help one....

Gretchen....what a great idea...to film the little one opening presents for your Mom...I'll have to remember that one...and tell my kids that live away to do that for me...I do hope your Mom will just get her rest ....will say extra prayers for healing...

Laurie...what do you think is the best NDE story.....how is the book about the 911 messages...I think after Christmas I am going to take a 'book vacation'....so many I want to read...

Wade....made my heart smile to see you with family and friends...good medicine for healing...we all know that not one or many can 'fix' our grief....but when I am around 'certain family and friends' I have a feeling of continuation...all a part of the circle....and we are all in this together. I have had some very sweet friends to call me lately and ask...'how are you doing'...and I just- can't-talk....they understand...I tell them I will send them an e-mail.

[shorty16]

My dear friends,

I wanted to tell you about the good day I had today.

My sister (only sibling) went shopping today. We had a great time and talked about, my boy Brian.

It was a good day.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[ericasmom]

Kate, that is adorable, love the song and the graphics. Thank you. You will have dreams of your Sugar Plums in your head tonight as you look to seeing those Kids.

Colleen, how nice that you and Sis could shop and talk together now. I am so glad that your day was great.

Susan, yes, we have a lot of food at our gatherings. My nephew Brian's partner Joe, made sausage bread with a hard boiled egg in each slice, he also made an amazing cake that looked like a log with mushrooms all over it, the mushrooms were meringue and chocolate, they looked totally real. DELICIOUS. My sugar cookies were in woodland animal shapes...which is hilarious, and I sprinkle a silver sugar on them so I told my family that the theme was woodland animals in moonlight. Funny. Thanks for the hope for my nephew, I am on pins and needles to know how it is going at Kate's house for the intervention.

OH forgot to tell you all, MaryAnne had photos of all of the kids when little at Christmas time. I saw some photos I had never seen. Some with Eri and it was so heartwarming. Well Kate, my niece took photos of the photos so that she could have them, and when I looked at one in the frame she said here I can show it to you larger. When she brought it up on her camera, there were orbs outling Erica's whole self, little orbs all around her head and body. It did not show up on the smaller framed photo, but it did on the enlarged. At first she thought she ruined it and I cried, ORBS, Eri was touched by spirits even then. Everyone got teary eyed, it was right after the annual card with money in it from all the family for the ERi fund. Holy Spectacular-ness.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate ...loved that.....my Mom and Dad would put many albums on the stereo...and we would 'cook and wrap'....and my Dad would always get my Mom to dance with him to certain songs....and that was one of them....a memory for sure...them dancing around the kitchen....

[Missing my Jr]

Sending all my love to all in this site. Although I haven't been posting as I should , know that I am thinking of everyone. As days go by life is getting much harder to deal with. I miss my son so much. I also wish this was just a dream, a dream that I could wake up from. My life is not the same anymore, I just can't cope with this pain any longer. I'm not who I use to be. Nothing makes me happy, there is nothing to smile about. My Jr finally came to me in my dreams. Although I didn't get a chance to talk to him, I did get a chance to see him and it was so beautiful that when I woke up I tried going back to sleep just to see him again. Seems like life has no meaning and although I have my son and daughter that need me I find myself struggling to make it day by day. This pain is beyond words. Me and my family are planning on going to the cemetery on xmas eve to bring Xmas day together with Jr. Most people would call us crazy but to me that's just what I feel that I need to do. I feel it in my heart and in my soul. He will be there with us in spirit. I know he will. Like most of us on this site, I also constantly keep looking for signs. I look up at the sky, at trees while their leaves are falling from the wind blowing, in the mountains, while I'm driving everything I do I look for a sign. I am like a lost soul finding a way to find my baby. Blessings to all in this group may we all find at least some kind of little peace in our hearts. Arceli ...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Guess I will have to slow down a bit now, about a week ago, i began to feel somewhat off balance when walking, like my feet weren't going in the direction I intended, and then day before yesterday, i fell walking from my van up to my front door, and broke my ankle. Legs like jello, no balance and no strength. going tomorrow for an MRI to try to find out what is causing my imbalance. Arms and handss seem affected too. I keep hitting all the wrong keyss hereee. SO frustrating..

[Jeff's Mom]

Goodness Becky, I am so sorry to hear that you fell. Please take care of yourself and let the family help you out. Does your sister live close by to help with your parents? You have been under so much strain. It's time to look after yourself now. Arceli, I am so sorry that this is happening. We feel the pain. Hang in there. You are not alone. Thanks, Dee and Susan, the kids arrived for a visit this afternoon. They are staying in the city with my son's in-laws. Will see them again 25th. We had a great time and it was as if time stood still. I could not believe how quickly the time flew. My thoughts and prayers go out to all that are new to this journey. Holding you close. Love to all, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Arceli - "I am like a lost soul finding a way to find my baby"

I think we all have those feelings...especially in the raw grief...I still find myself searching...we all desire those dreams, just to touch our loved child once again...

In your heart there is a need to bring your son into your family gathering, wishing your family peace during your visit to the cemetery...

****************************************************

Kate, it was so good that you were able to spend some time with your grandkids!! And thanks for the animated card...

Dee, what a wonderful find about the orbs...I hold your story about the light with Eri close...also I am sorry about your nephew and his struggles...

Colleen, always nice to see your post, how we all love to talk about our children...that is good you had a chance to be with your sister...and I do appreciate all the help and advice you have offered and the stories you have shared...

Susan, beautiful story about your parents and their Christmas dance around the kitchen, such a wonderful memory. Thanks for sharing. I will have to think about what I would recommend the most...probably the Mary Neal book. The 911 book was very confirming...I just wish the author would have stuck more to direct messages....it was very interesting what she said about her husband...may post an excerpt on that...

Becky, I am sorry about your ankle being broke...I am praying for your health and the MRI...

Lord please touch Becky with your healing, and hold her in the palm of your hand...

Wishing all a peaceful evening...prayers for all here...

[ericasmom]

Arceli, it is that pain that sears the soul and is so unmanageable at times. Then those lovely dream-visits which let us feel the presence of our Children that remind us that they are with us still in a new way. I know it is not the preferred way, however. He is with you and you will forever be his Momma. Your other Children are precious to you but right now you are in full ache for the loss of your Boy. They can't replace him. Keeping him with you through the holidays is good, it is necessary, you need to feel that your Son is part of Christmas, and while it will be in a new way, he will be felt and honored in your actions. Just let his siblings know that you will always love them, and that right now, your heart and mind can't do much more than grieve.

I promise you that there is a softer day coming, but it does take more time and even though you may wonder how the heck you can go one more day...you do. He would have you do so, and we learn to live in the light of our Angels and that makes them very happy.

Becky, now you have to rest, a forced kind of rest. I am so sorry that you broke your ankle and so sorry that you have been off-kilter. Could it be the heavy amount of stress? What about your neck, didn't you have an issue with that a long while ago? Whatever it is, follow up and we will be praying and hoping that all will be fine. Rooting for you Becky.

[Missing my Jr]

ANGEL BOY OF MINE ... So sorry about your fall. Glad you're going to get an MRI and know that I am praying for you to get and feel better. KATE .. Thank you so much, your words always give me such comfort. Glad you enjoyed ur grandchildren I know that you wanted time to go slow. JESSE DAVID'S MOM ... Thank you for sharing such beautiful poem it brought tears to my eyes. This pain is so unbearable. I feel like my heart was carved out of my body. Not knowing the truth of what really happened to my child is killing me slowly inside. It's such a helpless feeling but I know that I have to do something. Sending all my love your way. SUSAN .. Beautiful and touching story about your parents dancing to Xmas music. I can so relate, my parents loved to dance as well. I loved those days and my Jr. loved them too. He would always have his brother and sister baking brownies and cookies. Making cakes with vanilla and chocolate frosting that was his favorite. It breaks my heart that there will never be another Xmas for us, no more holidays to celebrate. All is gone. They died with my Jr. God, please please why did you take my baby? When he was trying, trying with all that he had to be a good child, to be there for me and help me but now he is gone. My best friend, the one who protected me and held me in his arms when I would feel afraid and helpless. I know that I shouldn't question God but i fell that this is just not fair. He didn't deserve that kind of death. Such a tragic way of leaving this earth. He was such a good kid. Love you my son with all my heart and I'm praying to see you in my dreams tonight. May we all have a blessed night. Love, Arceli ...

[mybeautifulgirl]

Missing my JR I certainly feel the same way you do.

I am finding this Christmas period so sad. The pain I feel for losing my beautiful girl is so unbearable.

It is a pain I have never felt before prior to losing her. I to am going to the cemetery on Christmas Day. I feel I have to do it and want to honour her this way.

Meagan loved Christmas! Mentally she was about "8" so she believed in Santa. We had to leave the biscuit and milk out for Santa on Christmas Eve. So many memories I will never forget.

I love you and miss you my beautiful girl!

It is comforting Missing my JR that someone shares my exact feelings. I wish you a peaceful Christmas and hope for better days ahead.

Wishing everyone here a peaceful Christmas.

Jan

[hotrod]

Remembering Our Indigo Angels and Praying that each member of my Indigo Family be surrounded by all the love and warmth of their beautiful gentle hearts.

Praying for our PEACE.

Thank you all for being here and saving my sanity and life.

[ericasmom]

All I can offer is to hang on, the first of everything in your lives is going to be gut-wrenching, but please hang on, there will be light again one day...it takes a long while, it is a long process, but your Sweeties want you to stand where they no longer can.

Betty, it warms me through to see you here today. Blessings today and each day.

[SamDsmom]

I just got in here and finished reading.

Jan, that brings back many memories of cookies and milk left out for Santa at our house. Sam was always so excited. Since he was the baby Christmas morning revolved around him for so long.

Arceli, I am with you. I feel so guilty for questioning God. This holiday is to celebrate the gift of yhe baby Jesus. It's hard to imagine what God must have felt like to watch his Son killed for us. I can't deal with the loss of mine. It's just so hard because it makes no sense. I think my mind and heart are shut down right now. I suppose it might be my minds way of protecting me from going over the edge. I am faced with some huge decisions over the next few days on top of my tremendous feelings of hopelessness and loss. My marriage seems pretty small right now because of our loss, but I can still see what we had. I just can't imagine ever being able to get past the things that have been said.

We are going to get together as a family tomorrow. We are going to light candles and talk about what Sam meant to each of us. I have been thinking about writing a letter. Maybe when we get to the motel tonight I will have some quiet time. I am afraid if I let it out the pain will never stop.

EVERYONE...thank you for being here. I don't think I could make it without this place. Merry Christmas

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes...this is one of those 'hurricanes of emotional struggle'....

this is one of those 'hang on with both hands'....

[lovU2themoon]

Today my daughter and i are packing to go to Vegas tomorrow, and of course that comes with tons of emotion. So i brace myself, be gentle with myself, sit quietly when i can, and breath and exhale. And yes, as everyone has said this day will come and it has, Christmas Eve.

I will try and keep in touch, not sure about the internet in our hotel. My only "plan" for this time, is to be in the moment, feel what i feel, allow myself to be with my daughter and make memories with her, as she too grieves deeply for her brother.

We miss Lane so much.

Here is the link to a story about our Christmas that is in today's newspaper with that amazing reporter, who told our story as it is. He was amazing to talk do, deeply caring about us and our loss. Thinking of the family of Andrew Matte (46yrs), today also, unbelievable.

Wishing you all moments of peace.

Love, Wanda, Lanes mom forever

and Lindsay, Lanes sister forever

http://www.leaderpost.com/qc/Three+unique+reasons+season/9318308/story.html

[Steve s mom]

Wishing a peaceful Holiday to everyone.

It's the best that I can do.

[ericasmom]

Steve's Mom, you did good. I love Charlie Brown and Company. The first Halloween after Eri died, I dressed as Charlie (third grade teacher, have to dress up with the kids). Charlie because of ' Good Grief'. I carried a trick or treat bag filled with rocks just as Charlie did, the rocks reminding to signify the heaviness of grief, the constant weight it adds to our lives. Nobody else had to get it, it was good for me to have those double entendre pieces to my costume.

REmember that you are not weak to mourn adn grieve, to sob and weep are natures way of release. Release and know that your Sweet Child is near, talk to them, let them know exactly how you feel, they are listening.

[SamDsmom]

Wishing a peaceful Holiday to everyone.

It's the best that I can do.

Thank you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Wanda....it is a 'good thing' to have the trip to Las Vegas....

just yesterday I 'discovered' why people will take a cruise..go far away....

maybe they too, had too many memories in every corner...

they aren't running away....

they just become voyagers...to seek another memory...

and you are right...you and your daughter need to create some happy ones...

she needs that more than you and I can know...for my adult children...

I am still the 'Keeper of the Springs'...

"for I have promises to keep...and miles to go before I sleep"....

safe travels our friend...

the story of that reporter is beyond sad...

[Steve s mom]

I got out of work early I had about all the merriment I can stand.when I got home I got out the Christmas cards Steve had given me over the years and some photos.last year I watched a video tape which I don't know if I have the courage to do now.when Steve was little I worked many Christmas's because I am a nurse.one Christmas when he was about 12 he had planned on doing a Christmas concerto he called it on the piano for me.as usual I had to work and had to stay late untill after 11 pm.so he performed his little concert and had my family video tape it for me so I could watch it when I got home,he was asleep by then.i just remember watching it last year and the song bells are ringing....I really want to watch it but I don't.ladt time I cried hysterically after.all I want is for him to come home.i'm already in my pajamas I can't wait to go to sleep,maybe to dream of him.most days I just wish I'd never wake up.but I have to take him his flowers tomorrow,and I found him a Christmas gift really strange I just stumbled upon a crystal Winnie the pooh with a butterfly on his nose...he loved Winnie and I believe he has sent me butterflies to let me know he is near.i put it on the little memorial shelf I have with some of his things.i hope he likes it.

I'm thinking I will just watch tv drink wine and eat cookies and pie tonight.i just can't believe he is gone.

[ericasmom]

Maryanne, I am sorry for the heartache. Maybe tomorrow you can watch the video, maybe not, just be good to yourself as you go through this holiday season. It is day by day sometimes, hour by hour other times.

What kind of RN work do you do? If you are able, tell us more about Steve, what his hobbies were, what he was doing in his life before he left. Maybe telling about Steve tonight will feel good to your heart. And if not, don't feel obliged. I just want you to do what feels best in this sad time. I love the Winnie the Pooh gift, sounds like something that touches your spirit.

My great niece Anna gave me an angel last night at our family Christmas,she said look it's Eri. She and many of the young ones never met ERi, but boy did that Angel look like Eri. So sweet.

[Steve s mom]

The angel sounds beautiful.

I am a nurse who works at a large cancer specialty hospital ,I worked in critical care for most of my career

But now the past few years I have transferred to the out patient area where I do pain management,no one should have to live or die in pain.

My Steve was what you'd call a lifetime student he was working toward a Phd in psychology when he died.

He worked part time in humane law enforcement as a animal control officer and animal cruelty investigator while he went to school.he like me loves animals and helped me a lot with the animal rescue work I do.

He was a very kind soul loved his family he lived at home untill just a month before he died.he was mommies boy never a day went by that I didn't see him ,or talk to him on the phone he was always calling me ,I used to get mad he'd call me even at work just to check on me and say I love you,back then I didn't realize but I think he knew he was going to die suddenly and young and he always wanted me to know how much he cared.he also helped take care of his grand mom my mother who was 83 ,he came over every day when I was at work that he could and bring her something for lunch or just to check on her.she died a few weeks after Steve ,he was all she was living for.now they are together all of them all my family I have no one left (except my husband) I guess they are all having a big holiday party up there .and I am sure eri and all our angels will be together having a grand old time tonight.i just wish we could be together

[ericasmom]

Maryanne, thanks for sharing, I imagine that your Momma saw the sweet face of your Handsome kind son as she took his had in her flight Heavenward. Eri's Dad, my exhusband, died 5 years after ERi did, I know he saw her as he was leaving, having been without words or eye contact that last day, (leukemia) he suddenly opened his eyes and smiled, the sky turned pink and we had his bed by the window so he would see her. The sky had been leaden gray all day and right before sundown that day in late March, she came in a burst of pink.

Yes, I do feel that they are all having a wonderful time in their new home, it does not make it easier but it does soften the worry we sometimes have over our young ones, are they okay and did they suffer? Eri's car was hit by an Amtrak. She died 6 days later never awake and on life support. She was 19. This is our 10th Christmas without her. Hard to believe. She is the strength in each day adn I talk to her all the time. Probably always will.

Thank you for the work you do, I so agree, nobody should be in more pain than necessary in hospital.

Peace Dear, and solace knowing that one day you will also see your Sweet Boy again,

[wgreenlee]

Missing all of you...will read all the posts later. At my brothers and they just exchanged gifts. Having prime rib later. Hope my brother knows how to cook it.

Brooks' friends are thinking about him and some have visited his grave. Got some pictures. Thank you God for these little things in my life.

A prayer for you from someone who understand...

My heart is achy this morning. I had forgotten.

I had forgotten what this Christmas will mean for so many.

This will be the first Christmas. The first Christmas without a mom. The first Christmas without a dad. The first Christmas without a precious child. The first Christmas without a grandmother or a grandfather or some other beloved friend or family member.

The first one…it’s so hard.

Lord, please forgive me. I get so wrapped up in the lights and sounds and the music and the joy of Christmas. I get so wrapped up in enjoying my own family. And I had forgotten. I had forgotten that there are those whose hearts are breaking as they face Christmas without loved ones. I had forgotten how hard it is to pull out the decorations, to walk through stores filled with obliviously happy shoppers, to face the holidays without the ones who made it so special. Their absence is felt so keenly. Forgive me, Lord. I want to lift them up to You right now, Lord. I pray for Your comfort for each of them. I pray for Your Word, Your strength, Your hope to uphold them. I pray that the memories that flood them will not cause them to drown but will help move them towards healing. Thank You that You understand our grief. Thank You for Your compassion that does not fail. Oh, Lord. Hold them all so tight. Hold them, Father. And keep them on my heart this Christmas. Keep them in my prayers. My heart…it aches for them. Love them as only You can…and show me the ones that I can love on as well.

Amen.

If you lost someone dear in your life this year, I am so sorry. So sorry. Please know that my prayer is for you. And feel free to leave me any prayer requests….for yourself or anyone else you know that is facing that tough hurdle of the first Christmas without a loved one. And I thank you for your prayers for my husband’s family as they all press through the first Christmas without both of his grandmothers.

My Love to You All,

[Guest]

..

[tobyfreefoot]

i have mentioned some peoples' stories to my friend lynn. she said "think how many mothers there are out there that are having to go through this"

wanda - the photo really brought that statement home to me. made me teary eyed.

my love and thoughts with all the moms and dads on this site that are willing to pour their souls out here, to comfort each other and above all know we are not alone. even though your hearts ache i'm wishing you all a christmas filled with amazement and joy that you were chosen to be the parent of such a phenomenal kid. life on earth is relatively short and no one else got to have the love you shared, no one. how great a gift was that

[Sholl1955]

Ariceli and all new members of our family, what you are feeling is absolutely normal. The incredible pain that is constantly there in the first months is remembered by all. The waking up and the first thought that your child is gone, and the last thought before you fall asleep at night. It is ok to ask WHY? God understands and knows our hearts . He can handle it if we ask why and if we get angry at Him, He can take it. I remember feeling I could not survive without Sarah, and I didn't really believe it would get softer when people would tell me here that it would. I didn't see how that was possible. But it does. We are changed people, and still struggle to live in a new world that we really don't want to be. Please let us hold you up. You are each in my thoughts and prayers and so many here truly care and get it. I had a tough day yesterday. I have shared that my son I law has not put a headstone on my daughters grave. The cemetery will not let us put anything on the site at all to mark it. If/When he orders the stone they will put a temporary marker on it. It is not a financial issue for him so I don't know why he won't put one on. When it was fresh you could tell where it was, but now just grass and anything put there is promptly removed. I have a need to be able to go and visit her, but haven't been able to and she is in the midst of unsold lots. Now, I KNOW she is not there but her body is and that means something to me. So I decided yesterday to go buy a wreath (that is allowed until January) and go out and search yet again. Well, no luck in finding it. No one was in the office. I had a horrible melt down out in the cemetery, But I was alone so didn't bother anyone. However I cried so hard I think I pulled muscles in my neck and shoulder . Have had chest pain and pain in my neck and shoulder all day. (I am my own worst enemy) So, I accomplished nothing. Christmas Eve has always been the day we celebrated With our daughters and their hubby's and grandbabies. This year Rachel and her husband are staying home to have Santa come. \We won't get to see Maddie and Becca either so it is kind of a tough day. However they will all be here on January 5th so I will continue looking forward to that. I am thinking of each of you as you go through your own changes and adjustmentat this sometimes very difficult time of year. Praying for rest for all of us tonight. Sandy

[Jeff's Mom]

Can't find the words to convey what I truly want to say to offer you all comfort on this special night. Except to say how grateful I am for your support over the past several months. If I could weave a special comfort blanket this very night I would do so... and wrap it around each of us to give a special feeling of love and support from our very special child. They are at peace. And oh what an amazing party they are having tonight. Let's focus on one very special happy memory that we can take to our beds tonight. More soothing than any balm or sweet tea. We fall asleep tonight with the comfort of our tender and loving child. Better than any medicine. God Bless. Kate

[wgreenlee]

My most special memory is Brooks' senior night in baseball. All the senior players gave their dad's a baseball with a special message. His said that he couldn't ever repay me for everything I had done for him, but that he would live his life to make me proud.

And yes, Brooks, you did just that!

Dad

I, too, wish I could lessen the ache in all of your hearts this Christmas with some special words or prayers of comforts, but I know it would fall short. Just know that you have made a difference in my life...one that nobody else could... Our children continue to live through us...and we live through our children. I feel like I've known you all a lifetime, and I know how special you all are...which is also what made your children special...you did. Just as you are a part of them, they are a part of you...and that will last a lifetime, and I thank you for sharing them with me.

Love to all!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I've been reading every day. I just haven't had much energy to post. After all the busyness during the day I'm wiped out. I don't really have any words anyway. All I can say is I understand the pain. I am feeling the absence of my Girl during this holiday and the hurt is unbearable. I am doing my very best for the boys. Aiden is very excited about Christmas. Zak can see my struggle, I think and I'm sure he's missing Trista too. He's been especially affectionate these past few days.

Tonight we went to Trista's site and "lit" her battery powered candles. I sang Silent Night to her just like I have since she was little. We did the same in her garden. It was so cold but the sky was so clear. I could almost touch the stars. We will let these shine through the night just as Trista's light continues to shine in our hearts. We also did a small candle lighting at home. I lit a special candle for all of our Angels. They are burning on the piano with a slideshow of Trista playing. We do have some Christmas music playing but I can only handle acoustical. No lyrics. Almost all of my wrapping is done. I will finish the rest when Aiden goes to bed. I had to take a break last night. I kept writing Trista's name. I couldn't scratch it out or cover it so I just wrote Aiden or Zak along with it.

The house smells like warm gingerbread with cookies for Santa in the oven. My Guys are in the kitchen helping to decorate the cookies I'm baking. I'm really doing the best I can. That's all I can say. I'm bringing Trista with me in everything and I'm doing the best I can.

I've missed so much I can't respond to everyone but I've kept you all in my thoughts and prayers over the past few days with the struggles faced and joys you've found.

I hope we all find some peace this holiday.

Love, Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I like the idea of focusing on a special memory. I'm choosing a Christmas memory. Every year at Christmas Zak and Tris would pool what little money they had saved up on a gift for me so for each other they would do fun things. Tris loved to pop bubble wrap. So,as soon as the packages would start coming in, Zak would start saving up the bubble wrap. Zak loves "Cheese in a can". Yeah, I know, Gross! But he loves the stuff. On Christmas Eve they would always get their special Christmas Eve gifts from me... p.j.'s, a special ornament and a book. Then they would exchange gifts with each other. Tris always got bubble wrap and Zak got crackers and cheese in a can. This year, I couldn't give Zak his Christmas Eve stuff without his gift from Tris. I made a special trip to pick these up for him. I was worried about whether it would be good for him or make him sad. When he unwrapped his Ritz crackers and his canned cheese, he just looked at me and said, "Of all the Christmas memories I was thinking of this one the most. I'm glad you did this." I told him I was too. Maybe Trista gave me that push.

Wade,

Thank you for sharing that memory. We all can "see" how proud you are of Brooks and I know he knows too. I hope you and Renea are finding some peace this holiday and feeling Brooks around you. Thank you for all you do for all of us here.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, so good to hear from you. I have kept you in my thoughts and prayers. I bet those cookies are good... Hope the boys have a terrific day tomorrow. Thank you for lighting a candle for our Angels. We are here for you and know how hard this time is. My best wishes to all for a peaceful day tomorrow. Kate