Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

what did I miss Laurie...??

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

There has been a lot of news releases today on account of the upcoming hearing....information I did not necessarily know before...

One, is that she said she didn't even realize what she hit until getting out of the van (how can you not know you ran over a person on a large bike)

Secondly, the person she was with said she saw Jesse brace for impact....this means he knew he was going to get hit...

If you look up Randi Rupnow from Black River Falls WI there are alot of articles...it has been a day of too much information...my emotions are on overload...

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, so much to take in at this time. It's like reliving the events over again. This is going to be a very difficult period for you to deal with. I agree...it is pretty difficult to believe her defense. Please take care of yourself and know we are here to offer support.

[wgreenlee]

Just a quick note...wanted to get Kate's pictures up that she sent me. They are beautiful and are a testament of Jeff's presence in their lives. I am honored to show them to you.

Jeff...you will never be forgotten

Thank you Kate and Ross...

Wade

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, so much to take in at this time. It's like reliving the events over again. This is going to be a very difficult period for you to deal with. I agree...it is pretty difficult to believe her defense. Please take care of yourself and know we are here to offer support.

Thank you Kate. It is a hard day...

I looked at the pictures Wade posted for you, the bench spot is beautiful, like I pictured in my mind...how nice that Jeff's tree graces the court yard for all to enjoy, including the wildlife...we often have small birds that nest in this type of foliage during winter months...

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Laurie...we are with you....yes...so much to digest....but....please think for a moment...all that has gone before....and all that is in your present...there will be many moments..hours..days ahead that will consume you and your spirit....but....you will be held steadfast in your faith and the love of your boy....do not waver...or bend your knee....just cast yourself in what should be and will be...you are stronger than you have ever believed yourself to be....and you will come out shining....

It is so hard to think of your boy...'bracing'....but....I do believe that he was lifted up in Arms of the Mighty....remember the light that engulfed Eri's accident....for I do believe that same light lifted him...just as I know....when I was not there for my John David when he passed...there was light..love and arms for him...yes ...I do....so....this is something we parents have to think about and face every day.....I would not tell you something I did not Believe....really....I am not a sophomoric kind of person...and I would never relate anything I did not believe....

the 'truth' is coming to the top....many won't like it..many will not believe it...many will not want it to interfere with their little world...so to speak.....truth sometimes is a very hard fact to face...

you and yours will be fine....for there is no malice in your hearts....only justice....

and your boy...shining through...

[Mermaid Tears]

a hugical Thank you Wade..for your posting....

a hugical..super thank you to Kate....for sharing...and letting us 'be there and see' with you...it means so much to me....

It is all beyond beautiful and magical....and so 'Jeff'.....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

I love the pictures. The spot is so peaceful and beautiful. I love the tree. Thank you for sharing those with us.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

A HUGE thanks to Wade for posting these. The smaller tree was the tree we decorated the other night. I had nothing to do with this one. It was an annual palliative care memorial tree for the bereavement night. The outside tree is our Jeff tree. I will try to post the night pic. The pileated woodpecker is an adolescent and not fully grown. It actually has stripped all of the bark that you see in only a week. They normally are habitants of a deep woods area. With global warming they are now entering habitated areas and causing this type of damage. Scary stuff.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Oh Laurie...we are with you....yes...so much to digest....but....please think for a moment...all that has gone before....and all that is in your present...there will be many moments..hours..days ahead that will consume you and your spirit....but....you will be held steadfast in your faith and the love of your boy....do not waver...or bend your knee....just cast yourself in what should be and will be...you are stronger than you have ever believed yourself to be....and you will come out shining....

It is so hard to think of your boy...'bracing'....but....I do believe that he was lifted up in Arms of the Mighty....remember the light that engulfed Eri's accident....for I do believe that same light lifted him...just as I know....when I was not there for my John David when he passed...there was light..love and arms for him...yes ...I do....so....this is something we parents have to think about and face every day.....I would not tell you something I did not Believe....really....I am not a sophomoric kind of person...and I would never relate anything I did not believe....

the 'truth' is coming to the top....many won't like it..many will not believe it...many will not want it to interfere with their little world...so to speak.....truth sometimes is a very hard fact to face...

you and yours will be fine....for there is no malice in your hearts....only justice....

and your boy...shining through...

Thank you for holding out faith to me tonight...it has been a raw day emotionally...

[wgreenlee]

This was sent to me by a friend. I so wish this is true!

Love you all and hope tomorrow treats you special...

Night son! Be good...Love, Dad.

[wgreenlee]

Thought I'd share Brooks' first video. Hadn't watched it in a while...funny how things go...wonder if there is such a thing as fate. Why God?

Love to all of you!

Wade

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....I watched the first video of Brooks....he was an 'old soul' wasn't he ? What depth your boy had...and still has....we all ponder the question of 'fate'....that was very moving...your boy was already searching for the answers to all the 'big' questions...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

I watched the video through my tears. That song really touched me. I agree, Brooks is an old soul as it seems so many of our Children are. That was absolutely beautiful and so much talent.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up this morning to a bashing e-mail from my Brother's girlfriend. I'm trying to stay strong but I'm so tired. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I am so drained and sad with the holidays and trying to to stay in a good frame of mind to make things as happy as possible for my Boys.

Something happened yesterday though that did bring a smile. When Trista and I would take our evening walks she always played a game where she would pick out houses that she would like to live in. There was a particular one in our neighborhood that she loved. It's a huge white brick home that's like colonial style. Yesterday as we were driving past it, Aiden says, "There's the house I want to live in!" He's never noticed other houses before or mentioned them at all and it was "Trista's house". Sometimes I wonder if she whispers in his ear. I've heard that little one's are very sensitive to Spirit and there have been so many times he just says or does something so out of character and just the right time. Something that's out of character for him but would be so Trista. Anyway, it gave me the feeling that she was with us.

Shannon

[Guest]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, I just watched your son's video...I do believe your Brooks had a strong "knowing"...and that he would record such a video...

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I was with Jesse when he first got a direct spiritual "whisper" that his life was going to be short...I still remember where we were....then on Saturday before the accident (which was the following Wednesday) he called me and starting talking, just "different"...like what the video referenced how your son percieved something "different" in his friends that taken too soon...

After this call, I drove to his home as soon as possible as I was in a neighboring town shopping...and when I first got there Jesse just said, "My life is going to be SHORT"...that was it...this conversation was erased from my memory as I walked out that door that night...I think he was allowed to say goodbye...

Too many times Jesse was saying that year, "When it is your time to go, it is your time" He had a very calm acceptance of this...

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Thank you for sharing this very special video by Brooks, it was an odd comfort that our children could hear the call from the afterlife, so when God calls, this is where we will eventually go to find them...

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Lora, thank you for your prayers during this time, just got hit hard by the media...

Shannon, I forgot to mention how pretty everything looks in your daughter's garden and by the gravesite, loved the color...

Debbie, Wanda, Steve's mom, Arceli, you are in my thoughts today...it is a hard journey so please take care of yourself...

Thinking of Gretchen, Becky, Carol, Sherry, Colleen, and those who have been here longer...

Dee, hope you are doing okay and not catching any of the flu bug that is starting...

Kate, thank you for sharing more about Jeff, it has been good to see him and the lovely memorials in his name...

Susan, you always write such comforting words...

Wishing everyone a peaceful day....,may post later...

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....I did not know about your dream....thank you for sharing....I know every parent would stand up to a bullet..train..car...anything for our child....and then we feel the powerlessness in our human control...our human reach...

Laurie....the hearing is this Monday ? Another hard path to be on...but we are all here to hold you up..

Shannon....what a 'Girly-Girly' tree for your Angel....love what you and the boys have done...and all is keeping Aiden creating and happy....and I do believe the little ones who have such an open landscape can 'see' more than we will ever know.....

the story of the 'house' was very intriguing..I have more to relate about you returning to school...

Kate....you have mentioned the bench so many times...when I saw the photo it looked familiar...as if I have sat there with you...

Dee....all my teacher friends are dealing with so many sick students....not only the ones who are absent...but the ones that come to school and 'don't feel good'.....and all the plays...parties...Christmas excitement...one told me once that she would teach for free because she loves teaching so much...but at this time of year....she says 'she earns every nickle'....

We are dealing with something that we usually don't have until Jan-Feb.....very, very cold...rain...some parts will get ice - sleet....yesterday it was 80 when I woke up....the temps fell so quick...and it is to stay cold for many days....eek....I think too many South Texans were praying for some real 'Christmas weather' and their prayers were answered.....the Christmas Stroll and parade is tonight....so much work and preparation goes into our small town festivities...and Brenham won last week....so we have a football game on Saturday....don't know how many will go to the game...my daughter said I would keep Pebbie and a friend of hers...no fun if all you can do is sit under a blanket....so I guess I am getting the same weather as my Sisters of the North....

[Jeff's Mom]

Finally, we figured it out! Yes! The picture of the tree we took last evening. A picture of the bench overlooking the lake. Thank you Wade for sharing everything with us. Your video is very moving. Thinking of everyone today and wishing you all a decent day. Love, Kate & Ross

[SamDsmom]

Wade, I watched your new video this morning. It is the first one I have been brave enough to watch since coming on this site. It was very moving. Sam was with his friends the night he was killed. Many of them had told me that they felt guilty for letting him walk off alone that night. There were about 20 of them at the festival with him that night who all said they were his best friend. The video was very moving and touched my heart. Brooks was very talented and from everything I've read must have been an awesome young man. I will go back in time and watch the rest of your videos when I can. Thank you

Kate, Jeff's memorial and tree are beautiful.

Shannon, Thank you for sharing the pictues. I think it is wonderful that you can do this. I can't imagine having to stay strong for a younger child. Your boys are so blessed to have you for a mom. I'm sorry your family is behaving this way. My spoiled mean step daughter picked Sam's birthday to leave her husband, completely clean out the house while he was at work and drain the bank account. He's such a nice young man. He reminds me so of Sam. Anyway the point is when asked why she would do something like that especially on Sam's birthday she said, "Sam is dead. Why are you making such a big deal.". But she uses his death as an excuse for getting medication and sympathy which infuriates me. Didn't mean to make it about me just know I understand about family and feel for you.

Laurie, I have so many nightmares and so much anger in my heart for the train conductor who said he would have stopped but he thought my son was a bag of trash laying on the tracks. We still don't know why he was there unresponsive. The only thing that gives me peace is knowing that he is in heaven. I will keep you I'm my prayers.

My husband is changing companies on Monday. We are buying our own truck and going to pull for a company out of Kansas City so I will be closer to my daughters and maybe able to get a break when/if things get rough between Jack and I.

Thank you all for being here,

Debbie

[SamDsmom]

Wanted to post a pic of our little Angel puppy. She is going to get new home with Sam's brother Max tomorrow. She has had several names since we got her but Max had a friend who has a male named Clyde so he is naming her Bonnie. I sure going to miss her.

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

I'm always ready for a good dog-cat-animal success story....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Debbie,

Bonnie is so sweet. Thank you for sharing with me that you do understand dealing with family who make things very difficult. I'm like you in that it makes it worse for me when they use my Trista's name in relation to their behavior. I'm working as hard as I can to cut ties. For now, it needs to be completely for me. What your step daughter said is so insensitive. I would have been beyond infuriated too but at the same time we just make ourselves miserable by thinking about it. They will be who they are. We can pray for them to find some compassion and healing in their hearts but that's about it. Easier said than done sometimes though.

Lora,

You are so right. I am trying to cut ties and ignore the hurtful things. If they get no response they will eventually go away. I hope. This is my time and it is about Trista. Thank you for your words of support.

Susan,

Our weather is cold cold cold. We started off with freezing rain last night and snow all day today. It's still snowing. Tomorrow I will have to get Aiden out to play in it but today just looked too cold. The weather was bad enough that Zak had the day off school.

Kate,

I'm glad you got it figured out! Hopefully we will see more pictures. I really can see why you love the spot with the bench. It's gorgeous and peaceful.

Laurie,

Thank you for your kind words about Trista's tree. I hope you are doing okay today. I know the things you're handling right now are so draining. There are so many things that have no answers but definitely point to our Children knowing somehow on some level.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It's been a tearful day. I rocked Aiden to sleep for an afternoon nap and he wanted me to sing Frosty the Snowman. It's crazy what makes me cry. I couldn't stop. Luckily Aiden had already fallen asleep.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon...but everyone on this site....it is hard to take a line between family and trust...and then when a real crisis enters the room.....like the death of a child....those that have been there and done it...those that have always been in the room....those that have been there for everyone..that had never been for anyone.....

then....they leave the room....

not them...but you....

YOU....leave the space and room...

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of everyone tonight. Debbie, Bonnie is so cute! What a ham! I am so glad that she has a good home to go too. Also, very pleased that you have positive changes on the home front regarding job changes. Shannon, things are definitely going to get better with considerable time and patience. This is a very trying time when you are at the beginning. I love the fact you are considering going back to school. A terrific goal Go for it! Lora, thanks. You should have seen us two old coots trying to figure it out. Hopefully we will now not have to impose on our very good "friends" to post for us. I love our little town. It's a small town.....with a population of only 5000 in the winter. Life is easy and simple. We enjoy the outdoors and the quiet serene life. At the same time we have the advantage of a bigger city only a 70 minute drive away. Wade, hope your weekend is ok. Susan, thinking of you as well as Dee. Laurie...I know this is a very difficult week. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Kate

[wgreenlee]

Susan…

Brooks lived a lifetime in his young life. There are so many things he won’t get to do that I feel so sad about, but he did so many more things than I ever did in his 24 years. I think that those people who have to face adversity of their own choosing or others sometimes have more insight than the rest of us…and if they get through it can become wiser than even the oldest people. Brooks had so much empathy…you can see that with his kitty pics and with the things he wrote and sang. In some ways he was immature and hadn’t quite grown up…the counselors said that was a physiological aspect of addiction, but in others he was an “old soul.” I like that you thought that. He had six friends his age pass too soon. One on the video with an accidental gunshot, one to suicide, one to an overdose, and three to accidents. I didn’t have one friend die when I was younger. The kids in his graduating class think they are cursed. Many want to just move away from Carson because it seems like there’s always some tragedy happening in their friend group. I guess that would change a person.

Brooks was becoming more and more my best friend, than just my son. And I guess what makes me the most sad now, is that I was treasuring that more than anything, and I don’t think I will ever replace that. He wanted to spend more time with me. That hurts so much right now. I’m going through the motions now, but my life has no happiness like it used to. I hope that changes, because I was a happy person. I was the person who made things better for others, and made them smile and laugh…now I’ve lost that.

Shannon…

It’s amazing how similar Brooks and Trista are sometimes. We would also sometimes just drive around and look at houses and would pick out our favorites. Brooks had big dreams because he knew he had talent in baseball and music, but he also knew he wasted some of that so I think sometimes he just wanted to let me know that he was going to make it. And you did, son…you did…and I’m so proud of you. How many kids and parents do that? I know you miss those things terribly like I do…I am so proud of your boys for how they brighten your day. Like children they know sometimes more than adults what’s needed to make people feel better. Praying for you in those other relationships…I’m so sorry you have to deal with that…Why can’t some people just understand how their actions affect others?

I know you will love going back to school! You are an amazing woman and would be a fantastic counselor…and you are needed. I truly believe that. Go for it!

Lora…

He was so proud of that video. And his friends loved it too. He sang about a couple of his other friends at the end. Young people who left too soon. Their families were so grateful for that video. They had Brooks over for dinners and parties. They were a few of the first people to call us and were so heartbroken. It almost seemed like some of Brooks friends’ parents were more heartbroken than their kids. I guess I just didn’t know how he affected their lives so much. I knew that his friends treasured his company, but not the parents…

Laurie…

Thanks for watching the video. I think young people today have it more difficult and maybe they do think about their mortality more. Brooks and I never talked about that, although I was always so afraid of the overdose possibility, or car crash, that maybe I just didn’t want to really think about it. When the deputy came to the door that morning, though, I first didn’t answer it. I right away called Brooks…still have that call in my cell phone…7:00 am sharp…but of course there wasn’t an answer. When I got his phone back…popping up on the screen was some missing calls…some from friends who had heard of his death and I guess didn’t want to believe it…but there was my missing call. I’m having such a hard time with that. And then the officer knocked really loudly on the door again…and I knew something really bad had happened. And Renea and I were like at the same time…”Is Brooks ok?” and he said “No, it’s not good news. Your son is deceased.” How do you get those words out of your head?

Kate…

Those pictures just show such a sense of peace…I needed that. Even though it’s hard to think of all the pain we go through daily, no matter when our children passed…scenes like that make me feel better because I know that I can still keep my son alive by what I do in this life…You have all shown me that. Getting there slowly…but some days it’s so many steps back I don’t see how it’s possible to cope.

Debbie…

Thank you. Thinking about you with it so new. Know that feeling! I’m happy that you guys are getting your own truck. My uncle did the same. Loved his truck. Once in a while he would let us drive with him and we would lay in the sleeper and enjoy the sounds and movement of the truck. I, too, get so much comfort knowing God has my son…Takes a lot of faith to give your child to another for safekeeping, but I know that Brooks is truly safe and happy now, just like Sam. They are all looking out for us. I know we will get through this. I want a puppy now too, but we have our “special” cat and Renea loves him so much…I do too. He sometimes just wants to lay with you and I get comfort from that…

Long letter…hadn’t shared like that in a few weeks. For Becky, Dee, Betty, Wanda, Kathy, Carol, Barbara, Sharon, Jena, Betsy, Angela, Gravastorm, Shane/Debbie, Colleen, Wendy, Gretchen, and Dru…and any others who come to this site seeking meaning…comfort…friendship…understanding…and most of all…love

My prayers and thoughts and hopes and wishes are with you.

Love to all…Wade

[ericasmom]

Wade, I loved the video as well. He is a talented man that Brooks is. He had a wealth of experience and way more loss than anyone should have to face at so young an age...I do believe that Brooks is singing and dancing with all of our Children, and oh the joyful sounds coming from them all.

Yes, lots of kids getting colds, some flu too at our school, I have a standard stuffy nose kind of deal. The kids are hyped with the holidays coming. I do love the energy but the volume has been increasing.I HATE common core Wade, what about you? I guess it might be okay if the district rolled it out well, our district is not however and I do think that it simply is another way to teach to the test, which I am against. Wade I think that one day much further down the road, you will find some of those familiar traits from your life before losing your Sweet Son and you will find that you still have those. You already have shown us that you have by sharing the video of all of our kids. You will develop new parts as well but give yourself time. Time being the most abstract entity in the world after you lose a Child, I know, but just remember that it is all a process, and process takes time.

We are experiencing some wicked cold but nothing like those neighbors to the north in Minnesota, some of them have 40 below wind chill and 3 feet of snow. I heard that ice and snow storms are crossing the country, having hit many southern states and cutting through Ohio tonight and off to the New England states tomorrow or Sunday. Everyone, stay safe please. Bundle up.

I saw Dallas on the news Susan, my goodness you guys have been hit with unusual weather.

Susan, hi Kiddo, stay warm in this weird weather you are having. your kindness is a cozy blanket and hot cup of tea with honey.

Shannon, I meant to say something about your father and brother coming to try to get some assistance from you...I admire that you moved away from that which can take folks down, good for you. And keeping them at arms-length is protecting you and the kids during this very vulnerable time. I applaud your efforts indeed. I love that your little Guy was tuned into his Sissy when he remarked about the house. Fabulous.

Lora, I don't think I knew that you had a dream too. What scares me is perhaps you told me/us a long while ago and I have forgotten. So several of us had dreams just before our Kids got killed, that energy that was surrounding them...

Laurie, prayers for this court-room work goes well and that you feel some relief as you go forward. Proud of you.

Debbie, the pup is so very lovely. Adorable.

Kate, congratulations on the photos! The tree is lovely, and the spot where the bench is is certainly the epitome of serenity.

[wgreenlee]

Just made this cuz I'm sitting here alone. Renea went to a women's ornament exchange. She was invited by the admin. lady at the funeral home. Such a sweet soul who helped us cope during those first couple of weeks. We're invited to an annual memorial service at the funeral home on Sunday, but I don't know if I want to go. Everything is hard enough. They said they will have a gift for Brooks for Christmas. I want to give him my gifts...I don't like this life I'm living now. I had so many ideas. I wanted to get him some studio time and he was so excited. I would have let him earn some money so he could get gifts for Shauna and the kids. He would once in a while ask to do something extra so he could get Shauna flowers or the kids something little. He was so proud of being a good boyfriend and dad. Bringing Michael to the skatepark and videotaping him and helping him put the video on Youtube was special for him. Thanks for listening.

Love you all...Wade

[mybeautifulgirl]

I don't like this life also.

This Christmas/holiday season was meant to be spent with my precious girl.

I am so sad.

When will this sadness disappear ?

Never, I don't think.

I miss my girl so badly, first Christmas without her and oh how she loved Christmas.

Purchased a live tree and decorated it with all her handmade decorations . I will plant it and make a garden just for her.

So many ads on T.V with people celebrating but it is not time to celebrate only a time to remember our loved ones and how much we miss them.

Thinking of everyone at this time

[tobyfreefoot]

oh my gosh wade every time i get a chance to check in you have put together something soo lovely thank you so much for the beautiful heart!!!!

[wgreenlee]

Here you go Gretchen...too much time on my hand

MyBeautifulGirl...

I would love to see your "beautiful girl" if you want to share. Prayers and warm thoughts traveling your way. So wish I could make it better for you.

Wade

[Jeff's Mom]

I agree with MyBeautifulGirl. This holiday season is really difficult to get through. Some throw themselves into honoring their kids by going all out and keeping the tradition alive. Others can not even go there. We all handle it in whatever way is best for us as an individual. The commercial take over of Christmas has my head spinning. I have begun to have panic attacks as early as beginning of November in anticipation of Xmas. The music, decorations, and ads on tv starting right after Halloween has me running for cover. Today we headed into the city for a few hours. I had a Dr. appt. I was there much longer than anticipated. At one point I told him how I felt overwhelmed. He looked at me and asked "why? WHY? Because on Thursday IT WILL BE FOUR YEARS SINCE MY SON DIED! In September my husband almost died due to the allergic reaction to his chemo drugs. WHY? If it wasn't for this site I would have gone over the edge by now. This is such a long and lonely journey we are on. But continue we must. I mean what really are the options? There are none. Take one day at a time. Do the best we can and hope that somewhere down the road it will get a bit easier. Jeff too was an old soul. I believe he had a sensitivity towards others that was far beyond his years. His working with people down n their luck both helped and hindered him. The pain he saw in everyday lives became far too much for him to handle. Yet I can't count the number of times he came home telling stories that were so uplifting they made you want to cry. They say the good die young. And in hearing the stories of all of the kids that I have heard about on this site there is a common thread. Goodness, compassion, decency. They were just far beyond this life. He knew he was going to die. He also knew where he wanted to be buried. Scattered in a wooded area overlooking the lake where he would be constantly surrounded by the changing seasons and the movement of animals. And he is. There is never a moment that something is not going on there. Deer, foxes ,rabbits ,birds, bears, and on. There is an eagle's nest above in the trees and a pair of pelicans that have nested there for a couple of years. It really is a peaceful place. We have been told by many how they are drawn to this site to sit on the bench and just look out over the lake. There is almost a spiritual feeing to it. Well, off to bed as it is late. If I get my hands on that woodpecker tomorrow... he's toast. My tree has to come down for sure. The next pic I post will be of a ton of feathers in the snow.

[SamDsmom]

Wade,

Thank you so much for the wonderful hearts. Up until now I didn't want to look at the videos or the art work. I think because I was afraid of the emotional affect it would have. Not really sure. But the last few days you have helped me so much. I am sorry you are having a rough time. As I read from My Beautifil Girl, you and Kate this morning, I realized what wonderful special children we all had. I know they weren't perfect.but they all had special qualities that I'm not sure most people have today. Everyone who posts on here had very very special kids. I think about my mean spirited step daughter and others that I have know and have known like her. They are so opposite of what our kids were. I'm not sure she is capable of empathy or loving anyone besides herself. I have known this about her for a long time. Not that I want anything to happen to her or anyone else, I would never wish this on anyone. But I always wonder why. Why do those who bring love, joy and happiness into the world have to die young? Kate, it takes a special person to work with the homeless and downtrodden. It takes a special heart.

I too am struggling with Christmas. I hate the sound of Christmas music and I have avoided shopping. I am so grateful I don't have small children because I don't know how Shannon and others do it. Sometimes I think I have become very cynical and bitter about somethings, like the hypocracy of the way some people act and the way they really are. I know my Sammy was so good with a heart of gold and he's gone.

I'm sorry for rambling.

Debbie

[shorty16]

Wade

You are amazing.

Thanks for including my Brian.

Love to you

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[shorty16]

My beautiful girl and others on their 1st Christmas

I am sending hugs to you and all the others experiencing their 1st Christmas without their child.

Your child will be there, just in a different form. A feeling of love passing through your heart.

This time of year is difficult, but I am here to tell you it does get softer.

This is our 6th Christmas without our Brian. The first 2 we left our home and traveled. Now, my family actually has some Christmas spirit.

This process of grief softening takes a long time...a very long time.

I am sending healing thoughts your way. I am here to say, you will not always feel this intense pain.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

Colleen is so right-on for those of you new to this...the first few years are sharp edged knives poking you at every turn, the missing never goes away and we wouldn't want it to, but the sharpness of loss does soften after a lot of time. Still after 10 years, I want badly to go shopping for Eri, and so in my way I do, when I shop for kids on lists of those in need. I take her with me everywhere I am, and I talk to her daily still, outloud, I say goodnight to her each night right before I fall asleep and I ask her to help me make good decisions. I speak her name many times a day and those who could not handle remembering her are no longer in my life and that is fine with me. I know my job since Erica died is to live in her light, I know she understands when I struggle and that she celebrates when I am able to use her light to shine on others. There is nothing easy about this, but in time there will be gifts that you will recognize immediately as from your Child.

Right now a gift to me is a bird sitting on the drainpipe right outside my window, under the shelter of the overhang, the birds are very active this morning, sunny and windchills of 4 degrees. They are taking turns to the feeders and returning to the second floor gutters to await their next turn. To have this young starling sit in my immediate view is stunning, watching her with seeds in her bill, and then off swooping down to the feeders. I love the steady scratching noises of the birds' feet in the gutters surrounding this room, my office.

I am going to babysit for my sweet Grandgirl in an hour or so, yipppeee! She is the deep smile in my heart.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lots to read while I have my coffee this morning. I use the term morning loosely because I didn't wake up until after 11 am. Weekends when my husband is home are when I finally get to catch up on some of my sleep I've missed during the week. My insomnia seems to be worse right now and I'm sure it's the holidays and also all the other things I've had going on. I've found I can't even read like I always have which is hard because reading has always been my escape. My brain is just too foggy. I'm sure that will get better in time. So, instead I have been watching films about the British Monarchy and aristocrats. I've gotten slightly obsessed over the past couple of weeks. Started with Downton Abbey and Now I'm into the Tudors. I have to be careful of what television I watch too because so many things are a trigger. I guess watching these sorts or things are about as far removed from anything in my life that they don't bother me. They also make my family look a little sane :)/>.

The holidays are very hard. They bring such an emptiness. The emptiness is always there but maybe is more pronounced as families are gathering together, taking pictures, etc. and our precious Child isn't here. I agree we just have to go with what feels right to us. For me, I've been back and forth a million times and decided just to go with whatever I'm feeling that day. I am trying to give my Boys our traditional holiday season in all the ways I can handle. Sis would never want them to be denied that. I know that in my heart. She was my holiday Girl and loved it all. The only way I can do that is to include her in all I do. Her Garden, her tree, and all those things to honor her. Having my Boys is blessing and I thank everyone who has made such sweet comments about them. The hard thing about having Children still at home is that they force me to put on my brave face and be strong when I don't want to. They force me to go on when I don't want to. There are blessings in all those same things. I've said it before, in my life now, everything... Everything, is double edged. What brings me joy also brings me pain in everything I do. We all have such different situations and are all such different people but the pain and emptiness we all know.

Debbie,

This is all so new for you. I'm only three months farther on this journey but those three months are huge in the beginning. At least for me they were. The holidays are painful. Do what is right for you. I have some things I just have to do so I do them in the ways that make them bearable. My ways are not the right ways they are just what's right for me because of my Boys. Colleen went away for a couple of years at the holidays. I loved that idea but my family did not love it so much. So, that was out so I'm doing this the best way I can. That's all you can do to. So many say they wish they could just skip it all together and I would too if I could. Just take it day to day and do whatever feels right to you.

My Beautiful Girl,

You are in my thoughts. I lost my Trista on June 1 this year. I made a garden for her right away. It sort of made itself as many people brought flowers that needed planting and grew from there. I also have a live tree for her special ornaments that I am going to plant. I think that is a beautiful way to honor your Girl. I'm glad you found this place to share with us as you are able. I'd love to know more about your precious Daughter.

Dee,

I always love the way you write and describe the nature around you. I can almost see and hear what you are experiencing. It makes me want to get outdoors. I'm glad you will have your sweet Little One today. You are definitely living in Eri's light and shining it on others. Aiden and I are going to bundle up and get out in the snow. We've got to have about a foot out there now. The sun is shining and making it all sparkle. So pretty. It makes me miss my Girl but I know she will be right out there with us. My Snow Angel.

Wade,

Thank you, thank you!!! It was so nice to wake up this morning and see the names and faces of our shining Angels. I do 'see' them all together in joy and love! I agree with everyone, every Child I've been blessed to "know" here is such a beautiful soul. The words 'Old Soul' were used to describe Tris by many people over the years. I know this is such a hard time and you are using your heart to shine light for all of us just as Brooks did with his music. I understand what you mean about Brooks also being your best friend. Trista was my best friend too. She was born when I was just slightly older than she was when she left. I was a young Mom and we 'grew up' together in many ways. We experienced the world together. She's my sweet sweet Child and my very best friend.

I'm so raw right now. The tears are always there. Just behind my eyes. It doesn't take much right now. Sometimes I can't even speak. I can keep control until I try to talk.

Thinking of everyone today and sending wishes for a peaceful day.

Shannon

[Steve s mom]

Sorry double posting

[Steve s mom]

Wade I know exactly how you feel,I too can,t forget the police banging on my door in the middle of the night

Saying my Steve was in the hospital in critical condition ,he never truely regained consciousness and was declared brain dead 8 days later.it,s been 2 years and I still can see that again and again in the middle of the night.

To my beautiful girl

I too hate Christmas and all holidays again ,despite the fact Steve loved them so much,no matter how old he was he still kept the magic in Christmas ,like a child.the last christmas before he died he put up the Christmas lights while I was at work...he surprised me when I came home by turning them on as I pulled up the driveway,I can still remember how happy and proud he was to do that for me

But I didn't have the heart to tell him what a horrible job he did ,we had the worst lights on the block and a ,what I call Charlie brown Xmas tree...he decorated the scraggly littlest tree with lights ,I still laugh when I think of that day....

He was always doing things for others and for me.

[Jeff's Mom]

Steve's Mom...there is nothing more meaningful then the effort that Steve went to surprise you that day. What a lovely gesture. And as hard as it is right now you will always be able to hold on to that precious memory. Through the tears there are smiles that keep their bright light shining. And in a sense they feel close when we recall those special memories. I have a particularly difficult time this period as Jeff passed away on December 12th. For me all things Christmas spur memories of that awful night. It has taken four full years to begin to rebuild my life with purpose. Everyone is correct in saying that the first two years are essentially a write off. Colleen and Dee have mentioned and shown that they have healed to the point that they can again find joy in their lives. It takes a tremendous amount of effort and time and considerable patience. Use every tool at your disposal to get through this. Lean on family and friends if they offer support. Seek grief counseling or groups if it helps to talk. Use whatever means that is positive and healthy to get that support you need. And let the tears flow. They are cleansing. I love the story of the Charlie Brown tree. I have feeling my Jeff and your Steve are setting up a sweet holiday celebration. Two guys with huge hearts. Wade, thank you as always for standing behind us. It is always so uplifting to see the effort that you go to give us strength and support. Dee, give that baby a huge hug for me. Enjoy! Kate

[Steve s mom]

That's funny how you mention that our sons will be celebrating the holidays together.

When I went to a quilt dedication when we made remembrance quilt awards for our loved ones who had passed away(at the organ donation organization) a mother of the child whose quilt was right next to my sons said the same thing that her son would look out for and be friends with my son in heaven.

I hope they are having a better time up there than I am down here

[SamDsmom]

It's amazing how I can go along having an ok day, even thinking about Sam, then all of the sudden feel like someone punched me in the stomach and burst into uncontrollable tears. This really sucks.

[tobyfreefoot]

whoops

[tobyfreefoot]

wade i posted your heart on my facebook and my friend "uncle jarrett" who was around when forest was born posted this pic of him and forest when he graduated from college.

[tobyfreefoot]

i'll be glad when i get my computer back. i know many of you are facing your first holidays without your children. i am sorry. i found it hard because everyone else seemed to go on like it was normal so i had to also. when i did mention my son everyone seemed upset that i was trying to ruin christmas by making everyone sad. lol sorry but mentioning him seemed necessary to me. anymore i don't. i just go to his grave and decorate it and put little things he liked there for "gifts" no one feels this pain like i do i guess so i do it alone.

my mom did a presentation for her church grief group and discussed how designing forest's monument gave me positive focus for 16 months and helped me work through those early grief days, actually probably saved my life. for anyone new here finding a way to memorialize your child does seem to be one of the few things that helps you stay standing. making sure the world remembers your child. by the way tomorrow is the light a candle for children who have died day. i will be lighting one for forest, ashlie, josh, my friend's annie and one for all of your beautiful children.

one time we talked about being from a small town and the miserable gossip that sometime arises. we moved here after my children were big and we kept them in the school 30 miles away until they graduated. but i recently put together this picture of the town nearest me (about 5 miles) and thought you might find it interesting. needless to say i shop on line

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Gretchen,

What a great picture of Forest. It's nice that your friend shared that. I love when people find pictures of Trista and share them with me.

Debbie,

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've had my share of breakdowns today. It's official. I will NOT be going into any stores until after the holidays. I'm done. Anything else can be done online. Tried to go shopping today. It was horrible and then in line the woman behind me is talking about how she wants to make this Christmas so special for her Daughter who just turned 18 and will going away to college. That was my plan too but Tris is forever 17. I hate this.

Shannon

[wgreenlee]

Went and shoveled out Brooks' site today. Foot or more of snow last night. Thought I might as well shovel all the sidewalks and other stuff in the cemetery too since I knew I needed to do stuff. Then I decided to shovel a path to Brooks' site too. Got a good workout and felt better. Now I'm heading over to my friend's garage to do some more stuff. Funny, how he always seems to know when I need to be busy...just got a text out of the blue and he said he's in the garage messing around and asked me to come over. Good friends are hard to find...glad he's one of them. Hope his heater is working, though.

Maryann...

Here's Steven in one of his proudest moments, I'm sure. Handsome man. Be with your momma...Steven.

Love to all...Wade

[wgreenlee]

Gretchen...

Wonderful picture of Forest. Another graduation pic...just like Steve's that I just uploaded for Maryann. We continue to circle each other...don't we.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Maryann,

Steve is such a handsome young man. Thank you for sharing his picture with us and thank you Wade, for posting it.

This is an ee Cummings poem I love. It is so the way I feel about Trista. I thought I'd share it.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mary Ann, what a handsome son, I am glad that Wade could post the picture...

Wade, thank you for the wonderful collages, what a kind beautiful gesture for all of us...

Just got finished reading everyone's posts...for those who are new to this journey, I have no great words of wisdom but offer my hand along this journey, it is too hard to go alone...

I have looked through all the photos that are posted...this is a place where we can remember our children, speak of their lives, their hopes and dreams, to share the spiritual touches of them in our lives.

We Remember and Love Forever, our Beloved Children....