Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Missing my Jr,

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like the circumstances surrounding your ordeal are going to be very draining. You've found a good place to share. I hate the reason you are here but I'm glad you found us. Please keep sharing more with us as your able.

Susan,

Thank you. I will be okay. Things are tough through this journey no matter what. Nothing will make it easier, anyway. I just get frustrated and angry sometimes. I have learned that people will make whatever decisions they're going to make no matter what. I have always tried to help and support in whatever ways I can and some people have come to expect that. Well, I just can't now and I've realized sometimes "not helping" is really what is needed. Not just for me but for them too.

Kate,

I have no answers but I do understand family members who make things harder instead of offering any kind of support. I'm thinking of you.

Becky,

I love your poem. Words that we can all relate to, right from your Mother's heart.

I'm still trying to catch up on things I missed. Thinking of everyone today.

Shannon

[SamDsmom]

Shannon,

Thank you for telling your story. Since Sam's death I have been praying to the Lord for comfort and trying to make sense of it all. I couldn't figure out why it seems some people either don't care or try to take advantage of the situation. (My vulnerability).

A wise person recently told me that the closer we get to God, the harder evil will work to bring us back down. I believe that. It helps me to separate things a little better. Not that the selfish people in my life are evil, but it is easier for Satan to use then against me. Just my insight into some very very hurtful situations in my own life lately

Aricel,

Again please keep breathing. Tomorrow is Sam's birthday. The police seem to be dragging their feet for seemingly political reasons that I have not shared here yet. It its so very hard. All I can do is pray and breathe.

Debbie

[Guest]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Debbie, Susan, Lora

Thank you all for your support. That was a very hard post for me to write and I almost didn't. I just felt so at the end of my rope. Susan, as always your words are such a comfort. Thank you.

Debbie,

I'm thinking of you with Sam's Birthday coming tomorrow. This is so hard. Trista's Birthday came just 20 days after she left and I was still in such a state of shock. You are in my prayers.

Lora,

I did exactly what you said, the very day I saw her comments. She was blocked and deleted from both mine and my Son's accounts. That was after I sent her a message telling how very hurtful her comments were and that if she had a problem with anything I posted I would have been willing to talk to her privately. I let her know that I will pray for her but that I just can't deal with that kind of negativity in my life right now. I wanted to tread lightly because, even without knowing her, I have a feeling that she is really sick and may even have convinced herself of the things she's saying.

I've always lived by the rule that everyone deserves a chance, that no one is beyond hope but now I have to learn where to draw the line between love and enabling and it's hard but right now I just don't have any more to give.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I do think that your Mom is ill, it is sad but it is not for you to figure out right now. I am glad you have that Grandmom of yours, she is the solid one in your world besides your Kids. If dad and bride come back, you can let them know that there is no more money for them, have a list of shelters for them and or services that they can turn to for help. You can just affirm that you are taking care of your family, that there is no extra for others. And your brother? Well yes, he made a bad decision and stealing from his sis is not going to be okay, it became a police matter and that is that.

I am sorry for the parade of family that can't own their own issues, but you are far different than them, and you are raising kids to be strong and responsible humans, and your Girl too, a strong and independent creative human. I had to say goodbye to my parents long ago, now both departed, but they were neglectful and dad was sexually abusive. One brother who is an addict crossed the line in our family and I had to say Good bye to him, don't need those negative and lying energies around us. It is so hard to draw these lines with family, but when it comes down to it, it is a survival skill we have to put into place when our lives are encroached upon. Anytime you need to share your heart, we have you covered Kiddo.

JR. mom, I am terribly sorry that your Son has died and that you have to battle to find out the reasons and to try to grab a smidgen of justice in his name. What country was your Boy when he died that you need the American Embassy? Tell us what you can but don't compromise any legal issues by posting here, this is a public site. The pain Dear is beyond any words we can find to describe it, hold on, we know what it is you are facing adn we stand here heart to heart to show you we do find ways to live through the pain to find a new path, even if we really don't want to because basically, there are others here that need us.

[SamDsmom]

Shannon,

How did you get through it. I would never hurt myself but I really wish I was with him now.

Debbie

[shorty16]

Debbie,

So sorry for the loss of your son, Sam.

When my 16 year old son, Brian died, I routinely said to myself. "I never knew this depth of pain even existed ". I so wanted to not wake up in the morning, because the pain was so bad.

It has been 5.5 years since I heard Brian's voice, and I no longer feel the piercing, incapacitating pain like I did in the beginning.

I took one step at a time, prayed, loved my husband and surviving children and posted on this site.

We are here to listen.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[shorty16]

OMG Debbie,

A very wise person told me the same thing after Brian died. "The closer you get to The Lord, the harder evil works to turn you."

We are here with you

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you so much for your words and sharing with me. We have some similarities to our growing up years. You have been such a support since I came here, reading your words, your story, Eri's story, I honestly can't thank you enough for just doing what you do for all of us here. You have such a beautiful heart.

Debbie,

I know that feeling of wanting to be with your Child. I wanted that so much too and still do many times but for me it was my knowing that I will be with Trista again. I try to make every decision based on knowing that she truly is with me but just in a different way. What would she want me to do? What would make her proud? One time, at my one of my lowest points, I found something written by Trista. It was just partial lyrics to a song she liked. It said, "What is love? Is it giving up? 'Cause that's not how you raised me." Those are the words I needed to hear that day. Wouldn't Sam say the very same to you? What would he want for you? Sam would never want to see you suffering so much. He is with you, I believe that with my whole heart. We all have each other and this place to share and to be held when we need held and to hold others when they need. Lean on us. Sam wants to see his Mom surrounded by love. Nothing can take the hurt away but please know that you are strong even if you don't feel it now. Gosh, Dee said those words to me just a few months ago and I thought this woman has no idea how weak I am right now but she did. She also knew how strong I was and that I would keep going just a day, an hour, a second at a time. This place and this family kept me going. Please keep sharing with us. We are with you.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I had written this poem about what Susan had posted about earlier. How we go through our days being "okay" and doing what we have to do when we are hurting so much inside. I thought I'd share it. Thank you all so much for being here for me in the ways you are. I hope I can give back someday what you have all given to me.

She carries her memories

in a patchwork bag

She keeps it shut tight

with a blue button

Blue is the color of her childhood ocean

and of warm clear summer skies

Blue is the color of her soul

and of her Angel's eyes

She carries her memories

in a patchwork bag

and usually she keeps it shut tight

She carries her memories

in a patchwork bag

Though sometimes late at night

She opens the bag

And softly she lets the memories fall to the floor

She slowly sits down where they're scattered around

and adds fresh tears to the ones

that have fallen before

She carries her memories

in a patchwork bag

She keeps it shut tight with a blue button

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Would anyone mind if I move some of the poetry to the Grief Help thread? There are so many healing poems here, I think it would be good to post them in that smaller thread...

Thoughts?

Been reading today...just quietly reflecting...thinking about what I am going to write in the Victim Witness statement...

You are all in my prayers tonight...holding all before the Father...

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Wade, I added the link to the video in my signature line to keep it accessible...

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I do love that poem, the Patchwork Bag. Beautiful. I have been on that floor with the pieces of our lives scattered about, trying to make sense of it all, tears for all that changed, for who was no longer physically here.

Laurie, it's a nice idea to share the poetry.

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, I love your poem. it is really beautiful. Susan, I wanted to let you know that this evening actually went quite well. It was very nicely arranged. And we did not allow anything to take away from the focus of our son. A lovely surprise awaited us as we walked into the hospital. Our tree was up and brightly lit in the Healing Garden. You can actually Google The Healing Garden Gimli Community Health Centre...and it will display the garden. I am going to take pictures in the next night or so and post. The music was touching and I almost lost it the first song. My sister basically ignored us. She spoke to us briefly at the very end. A woman walked in just after it started with a little boy of about three. He stood and looked at me for ages and smiled. It made me see clearly how life goes on. The look of innocence and joy on his face as he looked at the tree made your heart melt. Thinking of you all tonight. Kate

[ericasmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Sam-We say your name Sam, over and again, letting you know that you live on here in the hearts and in the hopes of those who love and know you.

Please help your Mom find her way through this struggle, she misses you and worries about you. You are her Son forever, just as she will always be your Momma.

[ericasmom]

Kate, Hooray for the good evening. And too bad for your Sis to still not be able to get closer to the truth of your Loss of Jeff, but as Susan so beautifully pointed out a few days ago, those who were one way prior to our losses, are probably going to still be that one way.

I will look for the trees later on today.

Love-

[Guest]

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[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

When one has lost a child there will be a million and one reminders in each day....but the one date that will trigger the most emotions is the day that baby was placed in your arms and heart....

Happy Day that Sam came home to his Mama's arms....wishing you find some peace today and a gift of a sign or message that he is still near....

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SAM. SMILE DOWN AND WARM YOUR MAMA'S DEAR HEART. Hello to all my BI friends. It has been awhile since I've been able to get on BI but I am always thinking of all of you. SHANNON......Your poem is lovely. The words are coming from your heart, and the melancholy expressed in them shows the depth of your sadness and longing for your dear TRISTA. Sending thanks to each of you for your best wishes for THANKSGIVING conveyed to me through DEE. Thank you, and special thanks to DEE. Wishing PEACE & COMFORT for all INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom..... Sherry && &

[SamDsmom]

It's hard to believe that 23 years ago today I held my new baby boy in my arms, protected and safe. Perfect little boy. As the years went on, birthdays were about cards, presents, parties and more recently phone calls and I love yous. In 5 minutes, 23 years ago he was 9 hours old.

I got up this morning went to get my coffee and noticed that I had a utube alert. Billy Grahams message of hope for us. I'm not sure why I got it out why today. I have to believe that there is some reason or purpose for all of this. it Is hard to hold onto that at times. I never knew that a physical pain could be so intense from an emotional reaction.

We found out Monday that Jack, my husband, lost an uncle he was very close to who lived in Georgia. He practically raised him before he went to live with his father at age 11. And then again when he was a young man. The funeral is today so he is pretty upset and focused on that today. I am being very selfish about this being Sam's day. I feel so bad for my husband but I don't have a lot left over today. I hope it's okay if I share more today. I just miss my baby. He was so good. There is so much evil it just doesn't make sense.

Thank you

Debbie

[SamDsmom]

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Susan, thank you for asking about Thanksgiving. I took my parents to my older sister's house. My husband and daughter rode separately in my daughter's car, as there would not be enough room for all, and my parents get into their own car easier, so I drove as far as their house in my van, then drove them in their own car from there.

I was glad in was in a different venue that usual, as I don't have any memories of my son in my older sister's home, but at the same time, none of them mention him at all unless I bring him up, and I didn't.

When I hugged and held my little great niece, Emily, that I cared for from infancy til about 18 months, (now 5) she told me how much she missed Jared. She told Jasmine, later in the day, that he lived in her heart, and she knew he was in heaven. All the great nieces, when they asked Jasmine about the necklace she wears with Jared's ashes, wanted to touch that piece of jewelry, and hug and kiss it. They were in one of the bedrooms where Jasmine had gone in to visit with the girls that were playing in that room. They love Jasmine, just as they loved Jared, and so it meant a lot that they remembered and it touched Jasmine's heart as well.

Jared with my great nieces, his 2nd cousins, Hannah, Kayle, and Emily, Christmas 2010.

On the way back to my parents, I drove them by my street to see the solar lit SLOW DOWN signs for my Jared. I also showed them the sign that represented where he died, only 1/4 mile from my driveway. As we drove through the neighborhood, my mother commented on the ability to see what was in front of you if looking, as it was just about dusk, as it was that night. We passed a biker traveling toward us in the opposite lane, dressed completely in black, and no lights on his bike, no reflectors, and yet he could be seen in my headlights. My mother asked if the driver that hit and killed Jared still used this road, and I told her I didn't know, but that if she did, I hoped his image there on the 4 foot signs would burn a hole in her soul.

My daughter, who has been so angry at the whole situation, just yesterday, decided to write to the woman who had told her that she saw the whole crash happen, who told her that she saw the driver cross the centerline and hit something in the opposite lane, then heard her brakes, and saw her get out of the vehicle and run around in circles in the roadway. When this woman was finally interviewed, she recanted and told police she saw nothing. She told our lawyer that her husband didn't want her getting involved. She didn't tell my daughter until after 18 months or more after the crash, and it was only by a chance meeting that she even told her. Jasmine wrote to her and told her that she forgave her, though very sorry that she didn't tell what she had seen, as it would have brought forth the truth, but that at least we had the truth, even if the general public will never know all those facts, due to the agreement of mutual non-disparagement in the civil case. The witness wrote back that she hoped our family would find peace.

Laurie, I am truly so happy that you will see some justice for your son. If anything that I said helped bring you to the right people for that to happen, then I have honored my son.

Happy Heavenly Birthday wishes to Sarah and to Sam.

Haven't yet put up the Christmas tree, so behind in cleaning etc., from running back and forth to my parents, but I will hopefully get it done by this weekend.

Love to all,

[SamDsmom]

That is an awesome picture of Jared and your nieces. They look so happy and loved.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sam,

Happy Heavenly Birthday! Be with your Mom today and let her feel your Love and Spirit all around her. Today is the day she first held you in her arms, a day she will forever cherish.

Debbie,

I'm thinking of you today and hoping you find some peace and comfort.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Look at Jared....with all the Future Miss America's.....

[SamDsmom]

This is an email i sent to my family and friends this morning. I know i already posted about much of this already today, but i wanted to share it. It has made me feel a little better.

Thank you all for remembering us and for your kindness.

I am writing this to you all because 23 years ago today I was holding my newborn baby boy In  my arms and today I can only hold him in my heart.  He was safe, loved and protected. I cannot begin to tell you how difficult and painful this journey has been, living with the physical loss of my child.  I never knew that emotional pain could hurt so bad. 

I hold to my faith that I will see him in heaven.  I know that our Lord and Savior has great plans for all of us.  I knew that our Heavenly Father will comfort us during these times.  I don't get much emotional relief from prayer most of the time but knowing that we will meet again in heaven allows me to keep breathing and putting one for infront of the other everyday.

This morning when I woke up,  I had an alert on my phone.  It was a message from Billy Graham. Now,  I know it wasn't only to me.  I'm not quite sure why I got it. I choose to believe that it was sent to comfort me today of all days.  Next to the day of the funeral this one is pretty rough.  I have to believe that God Almighty has a purpose for this!

I have struggled with a great deal of anger.  Anger with not having more control over the funeral arrangements, the way the service was handled by the pastor and mortuary,  rushing through the service and adding and taking away things from the way Dave and i wanted it done, the police department's seeming lack of honesty at times, and just plain old wanting someone or something to take away the empty heart stabbing pain.

This message that I got today, on what would have been my beautiful baby boy's 23 birthday gave me some hope. Hope and remembrance that we will see him again.

Sam was my angel. He was the sweetest, kindest person that I have ever known in my life. He was a rock. He was a good honest loving soul. He was a child of mine, but more importantly a child of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Please keep Sam in mind today on his birthday. Please keep us all in your prayers. Please pass this along if there is someone else you think might like to read it. I don't have many email addresses.

And if you haven't done it, please accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour.  Please get on your knees and take him into your life.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Sam,

May you be so close to your mom today...and may God's peace rest upon your family...

Debbie, prayers for you during this difficult first birthday...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, your son Jared was indeed honored...

I totally understand the thing with your eyewitness, we had the same...to me it is like shirking a moral responsibility, it is like leaving a man behind on the battle field when it is in your power to assist...however, I am sure they will one day have to relive that moment before our God...and will then understand the pain it caused and why they should have done the right thing...

********************************

Good to hear from you Sherry...

********************************

And thanks Colleen for your kind words of support...

********************************

My friend Kim just posted this on Facebook, it is a news article that shows the other driver was charged with homicide.

http://wqow.m0bl.net...tory/104812734/

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie.....you are still the 'Star' in this life play on this earth.....and you have the power and choice to still have a 'Memorial' for your Sam....you can have it anytime you want...you can invite many people...or you can have a Private Memorial...and just invite a chosen few.....when we are hit with the 'fist' in the face and below the belt of our child's passing....we don't have the favor of taking our time and planning.....many on this site have another Memorial on the Angel date....I had one and I will tell you about it later....but it does give a parent 'some breathing and thinking space'...and time to think of what is meaningful to the child and family.

I do believe that message from Billy Graham..was spirit inspired....'someone' wanted you to hear that....am wishing you a measure of peace and comfort today.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sherry,

It's good to see your post! I know we all miss you here.

Becky,

I love that picture of Jared. I'm glad Jasmine was able to write that letter. It sounds like a healing step for her.

Laurie,

I read the link you posted with tears in my eyes. I'm thinking of you. I know the place writing my letter put me in.

Lora,

I think the friend date is a good step. I'm sure you'll have a good time and you deserve it. Cara is smiling, I'm sure.

Susan,

I've thought of having another Memorial for Tris on her Angel Date too. Everyone tells me her services were exactly what she would have wanted but I was just "not there". I want to do something that I can really plan at some point. I think that's a great idea.

Debbie,

I agree. You were meant to receive that message today. It was definitely a gift to you on Sam's Birthday.

I'm heading out to get a tree for Trista. I'm getting one that can be planted after Christmas. It will have a lot of meaning and we will be able to decorate it year after year. After Trista left, we found a something she wrote. I don't have it in front of me but from memory it basically said:

My friends are all concerned with boys, relationships, clothes, and parties and all I want to do is plant a tree.

So, we are going to plant her tree for her.

I love you Trista Mae, forever.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Sam...may your sweet spirit surround your family today with love and support.

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, your idea to plant a permanent tree is a great idea. Please post a pic when you are able. Laurie, I too am very glad indeed that justice has been served regarding Jesse. Dee, I hope that your flu bug is now gone. We are going to try and get that picture of the tree either tonight or tomorrow evening. Will then post. Becky, that picture of Jared with the girls is so sweet. They are just adorable. Lora, I will be thinking of you on Saturday. Enjoy your outing! Sherry, you are missed. I hope you are keeping well. It is always good to hear from you when you can.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry....always good to hear from you....we miss you....

Colleen....as I have posted many times...I do believe we are just so brave....and you are a testament to that....'real' heroes walk among us....it's not how many times our grief knocks us down on our knees....and all of us have lost count...but that we do 'come up for air' and rise to our feet to carry on for our family that need us to lead them to a 'new normal'....

Wade...have been thinking about you....and the many on this site that lost 'that one and only child'...I still have a foggy...groggy kind of mind frame...and sometimes I get another view of another's grief ....the grief of losing the 'only child' has been placed in my thoughts....and I have to ponder and wonder the enormous 'empty' a parent feels.....no....I do not walk in your shoes...so I don't know how it must feel to lose that 'only child'....I can try to imagine the blank landscape placed in your life.....but there you are...creating a video for all our children...to put your creativity and arms around them all....it is as if they were all together....thank you..thank you....I am going to try and wrestle up enough courage to watch it....I want to....I have just had so many 'people and places' on my calendar to attend to lately...I really don't have time to have an emotional sob session....and at my age....it takes longer to look cute...and would have to do my make-up all over again. It is best for me to keep my composure for now. Maybe this week-end I can have a 'time to cry'....it does bother my husband so very much to hear my sobbing...and after his open heart surgery....I try to keep things on even ground.

Kate...am happy that the evening was a time for 'reflection..memory...healing' ....and I know what you mean by looking in a child's eyes....I was looking at my 'new little man' at Thanksgiving and had so many zingers....life goes on....life carries forward...and we have to keep reaching our hands out to hold those tiny hands...and help them walk into their future....we do have a responsibility to keep the traditions...to have the laughter...make some happy memories...and to show them what love and courage really are.

As for your sister....you have to know that 'certain' people can't be around you for too long....your 'light' shines too bright for them to look you in the eye.

I want to share something that I have noticed....it isn't a big thing...or maybe I am just imagining it...first I want to say that because of my GRANDdaughter who is 10....I know lots of kids in Brenham...and they all call me Nonnie.....but....when I am out shopping and kids are in shopping carts or walking with their parents....they seem to stare at me....now I have always been a very friendly kind so smiling and saying hello to strangers is common with me.....but their little eyes do not leave me until they are out of sight....in line at a store...a little one held out their arms to me to hold them...the Mother was shocked...she said she wouldn't even go to her Mom....I started noticing this around 6 months ago.....who knows...maybe my aura has changed colors...

Laurie...all on this site knows that this will not change the grief for Jesse's loss...but...I hope that it can give you and yours a sense that justice for the cause of his passing will not be swept into oblivion..

[Jeff's Mom]

Ho,Ho,Hold the snow. Give me a break...it is snowing like crazy up here. Enough already. There has to be a reason I am living here...I've forgotten what it is. It really is nasty and it looks like yet another Doc appt. will be called off for the second week in a row. I just watched the video again. it takes several viewings to really calm yourself down and watch the kids. What a lovely group of young people. I have to say that I have the strongest sense of their being together and just having a blast. Wade, can't thank you enough for doing this for all of us. How are you doing? I know this is a really hard time for you. Just know we are here when you feel like talking. Thinking of you all. Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, I may have missed this, but did you have to cancel your doc appt.? And now the snow will cause it another cancellation? How much snow? Our temps are supposed to drop tonight, by the time I leave school it should be in the 30's but right now it is 54 degrees. Goodness. I have to stay tonight and am trying to take a moment before I go back to my report cards to say HI and that I am thinking of you all. I have to stay for a PTO meeting, Parent Teacher Organization meeting. We all have to stay at least once per year. The bug going around is lending itself to secondary infections such a sinus infections, strep infections, ear infections, bronchitis and in some cases pneumonia. But basically, I have a bit of a cold, feel a bit wheezy, one of my students had to use his inhaler today and he rarely does...so maybe when it gets cold and stays cold, it will put an end to the mold in the air and on the leaves and that aspect of things might make the air quality better for those with allergies.

Susan, I love that kids stare at you, two things popped into my mind when I read this; one is kids know you are a good human whose heart needs a hug, and two, your sweet Son is sitting on your shoulder inviting kids to visit with you both knowing that those hugs of children are healing to you. I know it sounds silly, but I do think that the aura changing kind of means the same thing to me, kids see that you are someone that they can go to...

Debbie, I think that the letter you wrote to your family is a good letter, one that allows them to hear your broken heart without asking them to fix it, but to ask them to think of you and say a prayer. I love that the show came on for you, a message from your Boy to remind you that he is more than fine.

Sherry, you just let me know what I can do and what messages you want me to send to the group as I am happy to relay your thoughts. Miss you. Did your snow melt?

Okay, I must get back to my report cards now...

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, please take care of yourself. I know this time of year illness is rampant. The last thing you want is to be ill for the holidays. Yes, we have had approximately 10 to 12 inches of snow today. The temps are dropping... and by tomorrow night they are expecting night time lows of -25C. Stay warm and healthy! We have had more snow than almost all of last winter. The temps are beyond crazy. The highs and lows are concerning. In fact I have a picture that I will ask Wade to post for me of a deep woods woodpecker that is now living in a habitated area (as in mine) that is foraging for food on my tree! Wait 'til you see the damage he has done to a spruce tree in just one week. Poor things are so confused.

[wgreenlee]

Happy Birthday....Sam!

Let your family feel your love and presence TODAY and EVERY DAY...

Debbie...

All my thoughts and prayers and hopes are with today and tonight and always as we get through this hard journey together.

Love to all...Wade

[Steve s mom]

Dear wade,

So sorry for your loss. I too lost my only child my son. I know how horrible it is.

[Missing my Jr]

Thank you all for such beautiful words of comfort. As days go by seems my journey is getting harder. I still can't comprehend this tragedy that's happened. I pray each night that God send me some clarity and that I soon find answers. I went to the store today and as I approached the register the cashier started wishing me a Merry Christmas singing Christmas Carols. I broke down crying telling her I wish I had the same spirit as her and shared with her my story when asked why i was crying. My sons death hurts me to my core I feel such emptiness that most of the time I can't breathe. Like I just don't want to be in this life anymore yet again I have to more children to care for. God I put my life in your hands to pull me through this tragedy. Jr my beloved son I miss you with all my heart and just know that you made me so proud, your never gave up and stayed string till the last breath you took. Blessed night to all.

[wgreenlee]

Steve's mom...

Thank you for your sentiments. Yes, it is very hard...but it's so hard for all of us. Sometimes I can actually feel the sorrow from others on this site. It actually makes me cry knowing others are going through the same pain...hard to cope, but then there are so many uplifting posts as well, and I know that everything will get better. I hope you continue to visit and share. I would love to hear about Steven. Sharing Brooks with others on here has also been so meaningful for me. It keeps him "alive" for me. Like he's around and I'm just sharing day-to-day stuff with my friends. I can't really do that yet with others in person because I have a hard time stopping the tears then. I would love to see pictures of Steven if you want to upload those as well. Sad that you have to start a new year without your "boy", but happy that you have come to us to help in your grief journey.

Susan...

You watch whenever you feel ready. Like I said above to Steve's mom, the video is like sharing Brooks with all of you, and in turn, sharing your children with me. I watch the video and feel close to Brooks because I think of him being with all of our other angels...sometimes like they would share every day things like going to a movie...concert...or just meeting each other for coffee or drinks or whatever. My pain isn't any more or less...it just is pain...like we all feel every day for our lost ones. I do feel a little jealous sometimes...and I hate that feeling. But then again...I don't have to feel the loss that many others must feel with your other children having to go through this. That must be very hard, because it resonates through a whole family and I am sorry you all have to go through that.

Becky...

That picture of Jared with his cousins is precious. What a good young man! So caring and loving. I also love the "happy dance" picture. I think that fits all of our children perfectly.

Lora...

I hope your "date" goes fantastically. You deserve it! And I'm happy that there is someone there who understands you, and will be there for you. Have fun and forget for a while...

Shannon...

I read the posts on Trista's site from her grandma and it was beautiful. I'm so glad she is there for you. Trista is proud of you, and you are honoring her every day. You can tell that so much in your posts. I bet the boys are excited to be getting out for Christmas break. We get over two weeks, which will be so needed right now. I pray for you daily as that first Christmas comes to us where there will be an empty place around the tree.

Dee...

I hope you avoid those sniffles...once it gets started at school it seems to rage through everyone. Hope your year is going well with the kids. We have so much to do with all this common core stuff. I have another professional development day tomorrow. Sometimes our district just doesn't get it...you can't keep taking us out of the classroom and think the students get the same learning. Some teachers have missed over ten days already with stuff like that. We were one of the "lucky" districts to get a Race to the Top grant. It's so messed up. Just more work...more hours...more stress...without any input or real help for what we need to do. I love teaching and the students are awesome, but I am more tired this year than ever before...and not just because of Brooks' passing. I see more teachers at school come earlier and earlier...and leave later and later...but it doesn't ever seem to be enough. More stuff at home...although it certainly keeps me busy and my thoughts and emotions from wandering over the ledge.

Sherry...

Also good to hear from you. Hope all is well and will continue to pray that you can get on here more often.

Our days of good weather are finally over in Northern Nevada. Big snow yesterday and now freezing temps today. I hate this weather. One of the reasons I moved from Minnesota to Vegas and then here. Of course, the snow covered Brooks' little tree and his lights and stuff. Went over after school today to clean everything up. Did give the cemetery a very peaceful look. I don't know why, but I just had to clean up all the snow from Brooks' site. For a brief moment, I hoped Brooks wasn't too cold...isn't that crazy?

Anyway...love to all and peace for another day.

Wade

[SamDsmom]

Shannon, Dee, Kate, Laurie, Susan, Wade and everyone else who remembered my angel an his birthday.....THANK YOU. I hope I didn't forget anyone, my memory really stinks and I am just learning about everyone.

It was an exhausting, emotional day, yet here I sit at 2am doing laundry thinking about Sam and the impact he had on all our lives.

I talked to all 3 of my daughters on the phone tonight. It was very emotional, but good. They are each struggling in their own way but we are making it together. We talked about our memories of other birthdays of Sam's and we laughed and cried.

My mom sent me a thinking about you text, but other than that I heard nothing. I think I am starting to accept the fact that my parents just can't deal with the situation. Its okay.

I did talk to my ex husband tonight. He apologized for the way his pastor and the mortuary made me feel not a part of. He has been upset about the way I was treated also and said if he had known he would have waited for me to make more decisions. Of course I forgive him. It's not like any of us have practice at any of this miserable mess and the way they behaved is not his fault.

At the funeral, his mother approached me. We do not have a good history and she has always hated me and had no problem making it known. She apologized them and asked that we put our problems aside and start over. This would have made Sam so happy. He so loved his grandparents, especially his grandpa who died while he was with Sam about 12 years ago. Which brings me to what I am getting at. There has been unexpected kindness that has come from places that I never would have expected. My ex mother-in-law and I have had several very pleasant conversations since the funeral.

I think it was Dee who told me that I could plan my own memorial. Well, Sam's dad's family has asked me if they could have some of his ashes as they want to place some in a stone beside where his grandfather is buried. I think Sam would like that. I was told that we could have a memorial at that time and I could plan it. That means so much it makes me cry when I think about it. Sam would be so happy that we are working together on it. We will do it in the spring.

So that brings me to my final revelation of the day. I have realized in my heart not just in my foggy brain, that I have to take my love and support from those there capable of giving it. I have enough sadness in my heart without focusing on my immediate family that isn't capable of giving it. Not that they won't continue to hurt me but at least I don't expect it.

Thank you all again. Just want to say again how much my son meant to me. I hope to get to my storage soon to get my laptop and more photos to share.

Arceli,

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. You are in my prayers

Debbie

[SamDsmom]

I know that I have rambled enough, but there was one other blessing I got today. Sam had a basset hound when he was a boy. Actually we had 2. After they died, Sam wanted. A puppy. We had been to the humane society and found a bulldog that he fell in love with named Junebug. As she has gotten older and developed some health problems Sam often said that he would like another Bassett but Junebug hates other dogs. Well his dad now has Junebug. 3 weeks after Sam died his sister found a basset hound puppy on the street, starving and sick. She took it home, took it to the vet and nursed it to health. Problem is Junebug hates her and actually tried to attack her. When I was there last week, I fell in love with her and took her back to the motel and she has been on yhe truck for a couple of days. We don't have room on the truck for another dog and I have been devastated thinking of getting rid of her. Sam would have LOVED her. Well we found out tonight that my step son that reminds me so much of Sam would like her and his mom said yes. I know this is such a little thing but it makes me feel like Sam is watching and loving us all from heaven.

Debbie

[SamDsmom]

Sorry double post

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie....am so happy you have a layer of comfort in your grief....and I would say that your sweet boy is doing his best to surround you with his love and caring spirit....for I know our Angels do not want to see us writhing in pain and hurt. Many of us have had the same experiences with family and friends that have not 'been there' in the way we need them to be....and so while we are on this grief journey...we are given many insights and lessons on the path to learn to love and forgive in a higher level. It is not easy....but the true lessons we are to learn while we are in this earth home have never been easy ones. I guess that is why when we 'really' learn them....they are learned well and never forgotten. Now you will have the gift of time to create the Memorial for your boy that has special meaning for you and your family.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Debbie, a memorial service sounds just right for your son...it will give you all time to think about how you really want things done....with my husband's brother, we had a service later for him and buried his ashes next to his mom buried at this cemetery...I think she would have wanted it that way...

Arceli and Steve's Mom, thinking of you today as you are in the beginning of this journey...keep reading, it does help....

Wade, I read your postings to your son...it is so very touching...

Shannon, Kate, Susan, and so many others...thank you for all the encouragement

If I had not come to this site, I know things would have been so much more difficult for me...reading the posts over the last year really gave me a good handle on how to write the Victim Witness Statement, so for all of those who have posted, you have helped me and my family in a very real way...

******************************************************************

Here is one of the articles my husband came across today...the driver who ran over my son, could not even figure out she hit someone?!!??!!???!!! (note the article is wrong on one point, she can get up to 10 years prison time)

I think she is possessed...

Taylor woman accused of homicide

BLACK RIVER FALLS - A 26-year-old Taylor woman has been charged with homicide by negligent operation of a vehicle in connection with a two-vehicle crash north of Black River Falls.

Randi L. Rupnow is scheduled for an initial Jackson County Court appearance Monday. The felony has a maximum penalty of five years in prison.

According to court records:

Rupnow was driving a Ford Windstar van northbound on U.S. 12 shortly after 10 a.m. Oct. 10 and slowed to make a left turn. The van collided with a motorcycle driven by Jesse D. Rauk, 28, of Neillsville.

Rupnow said she did not see the cycle and didn't know what she had hit while making the turn until she exited the van and saw the severely damaged cycle and Rauk in the ditch.

Rauk was pronounced dead a short time after the crash. Rupnow had no explanation as to why she didn't see the cycle, and a passenger also said she didn't see the cycle until shortly before the crash.

A witness saw Rauk's cycle, with its headlight on, pass by him and saw the van hit the motorcycle almost head-on. Reports indicate there was an excellent sightline for both drivers, the road was dry, and the cycle was going about 50 mph at the time of the crash.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Hi all,

Yesterday and today were very busy days. I'm exhausted. I'm sitting here with a strong cup of coffee to help me make it through the afternoon. If Aiden takes a nap today I may join him. I want to thank everyone for showing support on my recent rant about my family. I just broke down with everything. I was so tired and angry and hurt by it all. I've been able (especially thanks to the support I got here) to put things back in perspective. I think the worst part for me is that I lost my sweet Trista so senselessly. She was so strong in her stance on alcohol and drugs. Mostly because that was just Tris but also because she saw how they can destroy lives. My Dad and Brother both have told me since Trista's accident that they have realized how precious life is and want to turn their lives around only to call again later under the influence. To me, it was like a slap in the face and a dishonor for them to use Trista's name and then do the opposite. If either of them ever tell me that again I will tell them just that and that I would love to see them succeed but they need to do it for themselves and leave my Daughter's name out of it. I sent my Dad off with a list of resources including the number of a man who works for us who is a recovering addict. He runs an outreach ministry for people to help them get back on their feet. He's great guy but takes no crap. I really do hope the best for them but I have worked too hard to separate my self from their illnesses as long as they are making no steps to recover. I even moved to get away from their drama. That's the reason I live so far away from my family, my Sis and Gramma. But my Dad and Brother followed me here. I know that may sound paranoid but this is a small town. There was no other reason for them to come here. I am the type of person who really wants to help everyone but I'm learning that I can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves. I do know how hard it is but the choice is up to them to use the resources available to them.

I've been thinking of going back to school. Not now. Not until my brain is less foggy and I have regained some ability to focus. I would like, I think, to go into social work and counseling and work with adolescents. They say that the best counselors are those who have personal experience. In my family I've had a lot of personal experience. It would be a way to turn the negative into a positive, to use my natural tendencies to want to help people in a more healthy way and it would be a career that would definitely honor my Girl. Our business has grown and now having hired office staff, I don't need to be there. I'd like to do something I can passionate about. Aiden will start school next year and I will have time on my hands. Just something I'm thinking about. Something I think I might be good at and definitely have passion for. I'm older but my Cousin is ten years older than me and just finished her Master's so I'm not to old to start I don't think.

Yesterday was my Grandpa's 87th Birthday. It was an emotional day for me because of that and getting things ready for the holidays. My Grandpa Jack is the man I consider my Dad. He was so close to Trista. They had an amazing bond and the thought of him being with her helps. We got Trista's live tree yesterday and a small one for the cemetery. Then we came home and put up our tree. It helps to do things to honor Trista as I do these things with the Boys. It keeps her close and part of things. As we sorted ornaments for the tree, I put Trista's special ornaments we've collected over the years in a pretty box. I just wasn't ready for that. I think I will hang those all at once at a special time. Maybe when my Sis and her kids come this weekend or maybe alone one night. Aiden was so excited. At four, this is the first year he really understand Christmas. Opening all the boxes of decorations was almost like Christmas itself for him. He reminded me so much of Trista last night with his excitement. Zak likes to see everything all done but doesn't really get involved. Trista loved to decorate. She would even decorate the bathrooms. Today my Grandma and I put up a special tree in Trista's garden too. It looks really pretty.

Debbie,

I'm so glad you were able to find some comfort yesterday. These things are all so hard and being able to find those little bits of peace.

Wade,

Thank you for the ways you show us all support. You honor Brooks in all you do. I have the same thoughts of our kids all together and those thoughts help me.

Thinking of everyone today and wishing peace and comfort for all.

Susan,

I wanted to tell you Aiden calls my Grandma Nonnie too. It's funny because that was never a name we used in our family. It was always Gramma or Nana. Aiden just started calling her Nonnie as soon as he could talk and no matter how much we said Nana he would correct us and say No, Nonnie.

Shannon

Aiden and Nonnie

Aiden

Trista's Christmas Garden

Trista's Garden Tree

Aiden put the star on top. That brought tears. The star was always Trista's thing. When Zak got old enough that he wanted a turn every other year she would let him do it but as soon as he wasn't looking she would take it off and put it back on herself. That came from the same place, I think, as her needing to have "the last kiss". If Zak kissed me goodnight after her she would have to kiss me again and make me promise I wouldn't kiss anyone else until morning. I miss her so much.

Trista's Tree at her site

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Hi Guys, hey Debbie, I love your Basset Hound story. I have one too but can't spend time right now...glad that the little guy has a home.

Shan, nice photos and I am thrilled that you are thinking of maybe putting yourself back to school, I love school, it is never too late to go. I received my first degree at 38, my second at 41 or 42... if i thought I could do a PHD in something, I would go back but I don't think so, maybe another masters one day...or just classes like I like to do when the spirit moves me.

Debbie, I am glad that you are finding some solace in the hope of justice. Your Sweet Boy is glad that you have followed your heart in this.

[Jeff's Mom]

Debbie, I too loved your Basset Hound story. Jeff had always wanted one I believe because they are affectionate and slow moving. Must say our lovable lab made for a wonderful substitute. Shannon, thanks for sharing the pics. Your Gram is indeed a doll. After all Grandmas are mommies with frosting! The Xmas tree to Trista is so terrific! Absolutely what I would imagine a young girl would love. Excellent job! I have managed to finally put together a few pictures of Jeff's bench and his tree. We are off in a few minutes to the hospital to take a pic in the dark... and hoping it will turn out. With any luck I will be able to post shortly. Thinking of everyone and knowing how difficult this time is to get through. The holidays are fast approaching and you just have to go with whatever is comfortable and going to help you get through it. Love to everyone. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

deleted

[shorty16]

Debbie, thanks for sharing this happy story. Animals are true gifts.

My angel, Brian's dog is still with us. He is a 100 lb Golden Retriever and is 12 years old. My daughter takes good care of him. I know she does it for Brian.

Thanks again Debbie

Colleen, Brian's, Mom 4ever