Loss of an Adult Child

[hopeful40]

Hello to all! It's been several days since I been on the site. This week was a little rough for me. Asked for a little more strength to carry me through. Got my answer, and am doing a tad better today. Sometimes those terrific MEMORIES can certainly get the better of you. I did dust myself off...talked with Ayanna and God, went about my "Yana Therapy Projects." Shall work until nightfall. Oh, though, how the pain feels like a knife in the heart. (Even with this feeling, I know I must carry on.) My doctor and others tell me I'm strong...but NO strength in the WORLD can compensate for the loss of your child. Her departure from my side, continues to remain,raw, fresh and quite new. Grieving will be for the rest of my life...however, I won't allow it to take me under.

Keep going back to a quote by Michelangelo. (Helps me to get a better perspective.) Would like to share:

"If we have been pleased with life...we should NOT be displeased with death, since it comes from the same MASTER."

May ALL of you have a safe peaceful evening and the rest of a good weekend. May He continue to shine His light on you and supply your needs.

Barbara

Ayanna. May you rest in peace and play that beautiful music (and sing), with Wade's son. I love you more than you realize. And, I will make you

proud of me. The dogs miss you something terrible. I find I can no longer call your name when Bijou is around, simply because he pops his head

up; focuses on the front door and/or runs to it; sits and believes you are about to come through at any minute. "Snow Cone," it's up to you, to give

him a sign and let him know, in spirit only you're with him. (You are my Earth's Angel.)

Love you much,

Your "Pumpkin"

[ericasmom]

Wade, I think that you commented on the Baby a few days ago, she is a bundle of love for sure.

I love the lovely words from Brook's friend. He is always going to be remembered, and while some days it sure does nto feel like enough, some days it will be a warm blanket in which to snuggle and rest.

Gretchen, my back is chronic but I just have the wrap brace and some exercises. This hurts for sure, it was a big spasm and now the hip-flexors are hurting but the walk was delightful and stretched it out some, the nap was also a delight. I can't take tramadol or any of those meds, I get very sick from meds with any kind of narcotic in them or codeine, and of course I found out the hard way, so now, it is either my chiropractor and brace and motrin and ice, or nothing.

I do hope that your back is going to give you some relief with the brace and the meds. What kind of brace is this? Yes, when the back hurts the whole body has to compensate and it is exhausting and painful.

I have had back trouble since I was 15.

I wrote to Trudi the dearest one, and she wrote back and told me to tell you all hello. She is not near the fires in Australia but the fire season for them starts soon. She is taking a ton of photos and has added a new pup to her life so she is walking Muttley and Molly all the time. She is coming up on 7 years of missing her boy, Mike.

[wgreenlee]

Barbara,

So good to see you back. Like you, I am trying to find "projects" to honor my son, but also to live life like he would have wanted me to.

Thank you so much for this quote. How true! God is faithful even through all of this. Hard to understand why, but I do know he is faithful and will see us all through this most difficult journey. I do love thinking of Brooks making music with Yana and all the other Angels in heaven. Why not? Music is so joyful and what better way to honor God than to play for Him. The Psalms are certainly a testimony to that. I know my pain hasn't dulled any, because sometimes it just overwhelms me, but it has found a different spot in my soul so that I can function a little better. And that is a testimony to everyone on this site who has helped me through this first month.

I notice that I am thinking of everyday life a little differently in terms of how I act or think. I so want Brooks to be proud of how I live my life that sometimes I just pause and think to myself, "What would Brooks want me to do?" Helping me to be a better teacher. I seem to have more patience and I had a lot before this. There's so much pain around us, that I just don't want to be the cause of any of it.

This was a wonderful quote, and I think I might incorporate it into Brooks' memorial. It just immediately made me feel a little better. Thank you so much for sharing.

"If we have been pleased with life...we should NOT be displeased with death, since it comes from the same MASTER.

Peace and love to all...Wade

[Guest]

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[gravastorm]

Hello - My son's birthday is in one week and I feel the need to connect. The story is twisted and has so many unknown and suspicious elements I can't even pin down his TOD. His case is still open but there is no investigation. I am a single mom of a 6 yr old autistic son and have a severe lack of support, in any form. I want to connect, not just because I need but because I have to help. My gift before was helping people see what was blocking them. I have been lost in the fog too long. Help me help you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hello - My son's birthday is in one week and I feel the need to connect. The story is twisted and has so many unknown and suspicious elements I can't even pin down his TOD. His case is still open but there is no investigation. I am a single mom of a 6 yr old autistic son and have a severe lack of support, in any form. I want to connect, not just because I need but because I have to help. My gift before was helping people see what was blocking them. I have been lost in the fog too long. Help me help you.

I am sorry for the loss of your dear son...this is good place to share the story of your son's life, we have a very diverse group here....post as you need to...

Jesse David's Mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Welcome to the site. Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. I am afraid that I don't have much time at this moment, but will try to post later. We are a group of parents that are at various stages of our grief. The why's and how's don't matter as much as the fact that they are gone and we are here to connect with each other as we all carry this pain and understand. I am so glad that you found us. Please tell us more about your situation when you are able. You will find everyone very welcoming and supportive. Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

gravastorm,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Son. You have found a good place. To repeat what Kate said, We are all in different places along the timeline. I just lost my Daughter 4 and a half months ago. Some are even newer to this journey and some have been here for much longer and offer experience and hope for us newer to this. We are all from different backgrounds, different places, our Children are different ages, and the circumstances surrounding our loss are different. We come together to hold hands through this journey because we all know this pain. Please share more with us as your able.

Shannon

[Guest]

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[wgreenlee]

Gravastorm,

I echo the others' sentiments. We are all here on the same journey, mine just beginning. Without the help of everyone here, though, I feel like I wouldn't have been able to cope at all. This is a good place. A safe place. I would love to hear about you and your Angel. And I would like to share the story of my son, Brooks, as well.

Praying for you that you find comfort in the week to come as your Angel celebrates his birthday.

Wade

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lora,

That is a beautiful idea for Trista's stone. Thank you. Yes, we were very blessed to have them.

Wade,

I have found myself thinking the same thing as far as living in a way that would make Trista proud. I have always wanted to live in a way that would make my Children proud of me but the drive to carefully consider all of my thoughts and actions now is stronger. I don't know how to explain it. I've just changed at my core. My priorities have shifted.

Dee,

I'm so sorry about your back. I hope you get feeling better soon. Sending healing thoughts your way.

Barbara,

Good to see your post. I'm glad today is a bit better for you. This is so very hard. The story of Ayanna's dog, Bijou touched me. Trista's dog Tazzy misses her so. I will still find him laying just outside her bedroom door waiting for her.

Gretchen,

So good to see your post. I love what you shared from the man in Bali...really interesting and such a beautiful way to look life and death. Also thank you for sharing that song today. It was really perfect for how I was feeling today. I shared it on Trista's website. Your Granddaughter is adorable and congratulations on your other Granddaughter on the way! We are going to do a pumpkin carving for Trista too. It will be just me and the boys and a couple of Trista's closest friends. I love the dream shared with you by Forest's friend and I'm so glad it helped you to hear it. It seems like sometimes things come to us just when we need them most.

Colleen and Wade,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on me bowing out of the Chili cookoff today. I like the idea of stopping in to say hi except my family mostly lives an hour and a half away. I know they all understood though and if not well, it is what it is. I love them all but can only do what I can do right now.

Laurie,

How are you doing?

It's been a high anxiety night. No real reason. Maybe just because it's Saturday. I had some time to myself tonight. I worked on Trista's website, had a glass of wine (which gave me heartburn so I switched to tea), lit candles and incense and did some meditation. I should say practiced meditating. I'm still not good at it. I have no ability to focus, or not focus, or focus on not focusing, whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. It does help though for relaxation. I'm still jittery but much better than earlier. I was looking at some Nightmare Before Christmas pictures tonight for Trista's website and these really stood out. Tris loved this movie. She had the picture book too and would read it to Aiden. I miss her so.

Wishing a peaceful night for All.

Shannon

[gravastorm]

Jesse David's Mom, Thank you for guiding me, I'm lost in so many ways. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm here to listen as well as express, if you need.

Kate, Thanks. hope to hear more from you.

Shannon, Thank you for the welcome. I am sorry for your suffering. It takes alot to reach out a hand when the world is surreal and you don't trust even basic instincts. Hopefully this place will soothe these savage wounds..for us all.

Cara's Mom, Thank you. I'd like to hear about your girl, however you'd like to share her.

Wade, Thank you. So sorry for your pain and glad you found this place of hope.

My online time is erratic but now that I have found this I hope to keep it in mind (easier said than done some may agree).

Today was a good day. Fall shone her festival of color and we soaked it in then released it in peals of laughter that rang across the pumpkin patch. My little guy is my saving grace.

Talk to you all again soon. Goodnight.

[ericasmom]

Gravastorm I am sorry for the terrible sadness that you are experiencing. We sure do get it. I hope you will tell us more about your Boy and about your young Son as well.

Gretchen, yes, I forgot to mention the congrats to your news of another Grandgirl. How lovely and what a beauty the little one you have is. My goodness, those eyes are pools of light. Beautiful. I too loved the philosophy from your Balinese friend.

Barbara, I also loved the quote you posted, it goes right along with what Gretchen had on her post.

Shannon, exactly, it is what it is, those who can't understand why folks like us may not be able to attend each family function just does not get it. We don't want them to get it but we also don't want to keep explaining. And so saying, It is what it is, is perfect.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Saw this web site from artist Satoshi Matsuyama, you might enjoy looking at his beautiful scenes...if you scroll down once on his page, his paintings are towards the bottom, they are very large size and are very serene yet colorful....

http://iasos.com/artists/satoshi/

Have a peaceful evening...will post more tomorrow...

[wgreenlee]

"It is what it is."

Don't know how many times I've said that this past month. Even though we are from varying backgrounds, etc. our bond in this journey certainly seems to produce the same things.

Shannon,

I guess I just want people to see Brooks in me. He was better than me. I know that now. After talking with all the people who knew him, young and old, I realize that, and it humbles me. I'm a good person, but he was better. Makes me so proud of him, but I feel like I missed something as well. I just didn't realize he affected so many people in a positive way, even though he had his own struggles.

Shannon, would you include Trista's website link. I would like to visit her page. Thank you. You know I've never watched Nightmare Before Christmas. Kind of a scaredy cat...

Renea and I met another person at Walmart tonight who hadn't heard the news. Do you ever think that the person who you are going to tell about your child's death even has the slightest inkling that what they are about to hear is the worst news that a parent ever has to endure? I know, myself, that now I am much more sensitive to the tragedies in the news, or sickness of a friend or family member. How they are feeling? A hiker in our area lost his leg a couple months ago from being mashed by a boulder and there is going to be a fundraiser for him to enable him to buy a prosthetic leg. If I had enough money I'd buy the leg for him right now. I just don't want to see pain around me anymore. I'm pretty empathetic, but never like that. I even feel bad sometimes watching tv shows, since most of them involve pain or death of one kind or another. Maybe I'll have to stick to Nickelodeon...

Another Saturday done...I wish that there weren't weekends anymore. I would teach all the time just to keep my mind busy. Or maybe, not...but I know you all get my feeling. Bought a speaker for my iPad so it plays louder. Think Brooks would appreciate that. Not sure why.

Going to the link Laurie posted so I can get some of that peace.

Hoping that everyone has a comforting day tomorrow. Continual prayers flowing your way.

My heart is with all of you...Wade

Picture of Brooks and Shauna after a day in the sun...always smiling and enjoying life. Be solid son!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

I would be glad to share Trista's website. I've shared it here before but it's been awhile back. It's just a place where her friends and family can go to share stories and memories. Her friends go there some but mostly they post on her facebook so every so often I will put things there from her facebook page too. Thank you for asking.

http://www.forevermissed.com/trista-mae-lindstrom

Brooks and Shauna look so happy in that photo. I understand what you mean about wanting people to see Brooks in you. Tris was such a special, amazing Girl and I've learned how special she was to her friends too. She helped them through so many things. One of her friends was bullied and she shared with me that she isn't sure she would have made it through without Trista. All of her close friends say she appeared in their lives just when they needed her and she helped them through so much. I read a quote today. It said something like, "I don't want my Children to follow in my footsteps. I want them to take the path next to mine and go farther than I ever dreamed." I do believe our Children were doing that and continue to do that in their New Lives.

I can't watch much television at all. I pick specific things usually around spirituality. That's all I can handle.

Nightmare Before Christmas is actually a sweet story about accepting yourself for who you are and being happy being you with a little romance thrown in but Tim Burton is not for everyone. Tris loved everything Tim Burton.

I get the weekend thing. I feel the same. They are very hard right now for me too.

Hope you get some rest. Sending prayers for you, Renea, Shawna, and the kids.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Good Morning All,

it is sunny here with a nice blue sky fighting the clouds away. It may get to 60 here but that will be the warmest all week. Fall is definitely a presence. Our garden is still standing with blossoms of Dahlia and Canna, Mums, and Nicotiana, and the tall grasses going red. So pretty.

With autumn or any change of season for those grieving a loss we are reminded of time without our Sweet Child. When there is change of color and temps, our memories go immediately to them, to them in that season, to how can time move without them. You may find yourselves feeling more blue than a few weeks ago, so it could be the change in season. If you can, take a walk in the autumn light knowing that your Dear One is walking right along with you. Loving you as always. You will always be their Mom/Dad. Nothing changes that.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

i also got a response from the man in bali about the pictures of the ceremony there. i thought i would share with you if you are interested. he sent me many more pictures of the celebration with his family. he said he expected it to be hard for westerners to understand that it was a joyous occasion in his country so he sent me this:

***DEATH IS NOT THE ENEMY, DEATH IS YOUR HOME***

DYING AND LIVING ARE TOGETHER. In seventy years' time you are finished with this dying and living. You are tired of the game, you would like to go home. You have played with sand castles. You have argued, fought for your sand castles: "This is mine and that is thine, and enough is enough!" Evening has come and the sun is setting and you want to come home.

Gretchen, these thoughts remind me of the poem from Emily Dickinson:

Time and Eternity

Let down the Bars, Oh Death

The tired Flocks come in

Whose bleating ceases to repeat

Whose Wandering is done-

Thine is the stillest night

Thine the securest Fold

Too near Thou art for seeking Thee Too tender, to be told.

Poem (1065)

I am glad that you were able to have some time away and congratulations on the upcoming grandchild...

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Wade, thanks for the thoughts you sent my way on the other post...what I post is what I have found to be healing to me...and thanks for sharing about your son, Brooks...your stories and pictures...

I am grateful that this has been a place where we can share about our loved ones and how much we miss them...hope the meeting at Compassionate Friends gives you another source of healing...

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From Lora,

"I drive into the cemetery on my way home from second job and look at Cara's lights. It is like a city when you go in, everyone has the solar lights."

This prompted me to go and purchase some more solar lights for Jesse's site.., the smaller ones are across the front, and the two larger ones I placed on the backside...I took in the windchimes since I don't want winter to ruin them...replaced his flowers, cut the grass, weeded and reseeded the grass...

Can't really put into words the feelings in my soul about this...there really are no words, to say to others that this is how I spend so much of my time now...at so many levels I still reject this nightmare reality...

I know Shannon, you too asked how I was...I don't even know sometimes myself...it is so hard going into public for me...and I hate to drive now...

*****************************************************************************

Also Barbara, thanks for the quote on the other thread as well...at first I had a lot of Jesse project's...I still do....I have to get his memorial garden finished at his house...I have got to go over there and straighten it up...just trying to get up the nerve...it is almost harder now in some ways...

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How are you doing today Susan? Enjoyed the Grama Essie pearl of wisdom the other day...

**********************************************************************************

Will post more later...

[mysonrich]

Wade, thank you for asking about Rich. Yes, that is one of his graduation pictures. He also posed in a t-shirt but also with a serious look upon his face , yet he wasn't always serious . In another picture he is glancing sideways and trying not to laugh. I often wondered who he was looking at and who was trying to get him to laugh! I was watching 3 boys walk by the other day. There is a HS near. I watched a s 2 boys walked ahead and the 3^rd, lagging behind so the he could jump up and grab a tree limb, hanging on , swinging back and forth and with a final push, jumps off and runs to catch up. That would be Rich as I see Rich in many places,faces,mannerism etc., I have enjoyed the pictures of Brooks and reading of his life . I'm so sorry for the senseless tragedy that has befallen your family. His family. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Rich died from cardiac dysrhythmia at age 20 during his sleep. Sudden. They found a anomaly in his descending artery. He had just moved to Pa. With his gf to their first home together. He was very tired and sleeping the week before his death. He has an older sister, Sarah, now living and teaching in Brooklyn, NY.

Grav astorm, I am sorry for the loss of your handsome son. You have found a place to share of his life and your love for him. You are not alone .

Gretchen, s o good to see Forest looking out at us today .

Lora, I did see Cara's memorial stone, it is a beautiful tribute to a lovely young woman.

The pictures are great everyone. Thank you for sharing. Our last Christmas together. The last time I saw Rich. Long Locks. A trim look. We discussed the hair and beard. I was told that this was his look, his identify and he shouldn't have to change for the satisfaction of others and their opinion. I explained that we would be attending my employers Christmas party,( at a bank ) where it would be and how everyone else would dress. He had a blast ! And I love him.

A windy day.

[tobyfreefoot]

betsy nice to see you. i love rich's scruffy look. look at forest lol!

thanks laurie for the video. i got it downloaded last night but might not get to watch it until wednesday. love emily's poem too.

it is so nice to be back on here. feel better knowing i have access. i was feeling so down last week, told myself i just wasn't going to talk about forest anymore because-idk was just in such a lonely space, just staring at my boots at work. that's when i got the message from the girl that brighten my day a little. being on here just makes me feel at home again. thank you everyone. i try so hard but i am eternally sad underneath.

[tobyfreefoot]

dee sorry you have a chronic problem. i first saw a dr. when i was 12. i have had a 2 level laminectomy that didn't really help and lots of epidurals. this is the first time they have given me pain pills. tramedol is not very strong but seems to help a little. the tens unit is a useful distraction. sometimes i have to walk with a cane. i just got the brace. i can wear it 1 hour in the am and 1 in the pm. has a place in the front and back for ice. luckily my insurance paid for most of it. i haven't worn it yet. just going to use it when i need to do something active, walking in woods (very uneven ground) gardening etc. i will have to check the brand, it has two knobs that tighten wires on the sides and looks like darth vader should wear it..i have so many things wrong there is no way they can correct it all. though they did say eventually i will have to get it fused in a few places and probably something put in to wedge it up as it is basically collapsing. they will delay that as long as possible.

we seem to have a lot in common though this is not one of the better things. i have lived a pretty carefree, go for it, jump from it crazy life that i don't regret even though my back would have lasted longer had i been more sedate. my problem is adjusting to the fact i am not able to do many things now but i guess at 57 i am 'spose to be growing up.

how old is your grandbaby? does she live near you? mine lives about an hour. it has certainly helped to have a little sweet thing to love.

hope you are feeling better.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Betsy,

I love the pictures of Rich. Thank you for sharing more about him for those of us who are newer. I really like what he said about not changing for other people and their opinions but Moms have a little more pull, huh?

Laurie,

I have a hard time with driving and public places too. I understand. It's really hard. Thank you for sharing the Emily Dickenson poem. I've identified with so much of her poetry lately. Her thoughts on grief really come from a place of knowing.

I also understand rejecting the reality of this nightmare. Everything in me still rejects it.

Dee,

I read your words as I had my morning coffee. Definitely a comforting way to start the day. We are having a lovely fall day here too and we did get out and enjoy, taking Our Girl along with us.

I took Aiden to pick out pumpkins today. Zak skipped it. I think he's having a hard time with the idea of Halloween too. He even skipped Zombie Walk for Hunger last night and he never does. I'm letting him choose but for Aiden I have to do these things. Zak did help decorate Trista's Garden today so that was nice. Aiden picked out pumpkins for everyone including Sissy. We spent some time at Trista's site today and then came home to decorate her garden. I never imagined spending so much time at a cemetery. For Aiden it's just a part of life now. He takes his soccer ball and plays. We bring a blanket, food, and drinks. It's all part of our "New Normal". I hate this new normal. I spent the day alternating between smiles and tears but overall it helps to do these things for Trista and honor her in the things we do.

I hope this day has and continues to bring some sense of peace and comfort to everyone.

Shannon

Aiden in the pumpkins

Trista's Halloween Garden

Trista's site decorated for Halloween

The plaque I had made for Trista's site until we get her stone

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee and Gretchen, it sounds quite painful suffering with back trouble such as yours. Gretchen sure hope you don't have to go the full route as you mentioned. Dee, I hope you were well enough to get outside today and enjoy that lovely fall day. Shannon, I have to tell you that I viewed your video this morning of Trista that you had lovingly put together. I have to say the tears started to fall as I watched the wonderful young girl that your sweet Trista was. Clearly she was living life to the fullest and surrounded by much love. I also love your photos of Aidan in the pumpkin patch and your Halloween display at Trista's site. Laurie, thank you for posting the poem by Emily Dickinson. Very nice. Barbara, Wade, Susan, Gravastorm, and everyone new...I am thinking of you today and hope that your day was manageable. Betsy, great pics of Rich. What a great young man he was. Did he look like you at all? Well, today we woke up to very dark grey skies. The wind was blowing briskly off of the lake. We decided to try to go into the site in the woods to enjoy a short hike. It turned out to be a crazy walk. It started out ok, but eventually it turned in quite nasty. Freezing rain pellets and then a light snow shower. We arrived home soaked to the skin. Tomorrow we are off to the city for further tests. As chemo is now cancelled they have to continually do testing, etc. Thinking of everyone and wishing you a peaceful evening. Kate

[ericasmom]

Shannon, glad that you did pumpkin things today. I know Zak is missing his big sister and the changes in the family structure. Poor Sweetie. Aidan looks so much like Trista it is amazing. Tell Zak that I love the garden and think that he did a great job.

I love the plaque you placed. We are not allowed at the cemetery ERi is, to put anything like that around. I have a flat stone for Eri because of the ridiculous rules where we had her buried. It is a Catholic cemetery which I am not nor was Eri, but her Grammy on her Dad's side is so we got her there. It is a very pretty setting, but the RULES remind me of why I don't follow a scripted religion.

Gretchen, we do have a good deal in common, not the least of which is our age and our chronic back issues. Your back sounds to be more daunting and I am sorry about that. Eri and Jon's dad had the fusion surgery and did well with it, felt better afterwards. His discs were also collapsing. Now there is a gel that can be injected in between some of the discs to act as cartiledge, but I am unsure of which kinds of injuries use that. I hope that your back does not worsen.

Your Grandgirl is sooooo cute. Mine is 6 months old with two teeth and lots of loving. The kids live 3 blocks from us, how very special is this? VERY! Believe me, I count my lucky stars with this.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Solar lights at night!!

Wow! Was it dark out there or what?? I plan to buy some more lights! Right around Jared's marker it was still kinda dark without the use of my lantern we took to see our way across the cemetery. Thank you to the kind neighbor who unlocked the gate on his back fence, which was directly across from our plot. Still had to walk about 75 feet, but we could see the lights as soon as we went through his gate! Looking around us, we could see in the distance (top left of this last photo) that there were a couple of single solar lights, but only a couple. Very very dark.

[ericasmom]

I love all the lights and decorations you are able to use at the this sacred site for Jared.

Prayers please for my nephew whose Daughter was taken by the mom to Virginia. He seems to have no recourse here even with his lawyer working on his behalf.

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky, yes it is getting so much darker at this time of night. Good thing we have our place well lit. Just watching a program on TV called Battle Of The Blades. Professional hockey players are paired with young professional figure skaters. This show is so much fun. They play modern music and it is wonderful to watch how they skate together. Last performance music was by Rush who I know is somewhat older. Show is from Toronto. I was just wondering tonight when the Thanksgiving is your way. I know it is in November and sometime middle to late. I have also been told it is celebrated in a huge way. I have to say I am glad ours was last weekend. Anything too close to Christmas seems overwhelming. Kudos to the ladies that have to take both events under wing. Thinking of everyone tonight.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Hi Kate! Yes, our Thanksgiving isn't until the 24th of November. I am hoping the weather will still be good, but sure to be much colder by then, so that my parents will be able to get out and go to my older sister's house, who has offered to cook!! Good for her! It will be on me to transport them there, so here's hoping they will be well enough!

Thanks, Dee, on the compliment on our cemetery plot for our dear Jared. I am so sorry you are only allowed a flat marker. I wonder how these rule makers will be received in heaven? lol, That's how ours was, but I had it remade when we decided to put the border rocks and stones in. Believe me, the man in charge there thought I had lost my mind when I tried to explain what it was I wanted to do, but he gave in. I have promised to maintain it, and I go once a week to trim any grass around the outside and use a battery operated blower to blow out leaves, etc, and wipe down our bench and Jared's marker.

Betsy! It was so good to see Rich's smiling face.

Laurie, thank you as always for the wonderful links you share!

I just love all the photos being shared here! Trista and Aiden, so precious, Brooks, Cara, Laney, (hope you are ok, Wanda) the grandies! So so precious!

Gretchen! So glad you are back! I have missed you!

I have to tell you, Dee and Gretchen, that the pain I lived with for years in my neck is so much better since I had the one vertebrae removed along with the disks above and below it. I had the cage thing put in, space age material, filled with my own bone removal, and the chippings from around. It was a bit of a recovery, I won't lie about that, but the outcome is so much better than how I was living, which was in constant pain. I still don't have full feeling in my right arm or good strength or grip in my right hand, but I am not complaining.

My right hip and leg gives me a fit sometimes, as I have nerve damage from a fall, and my feet are beginning to feel the signs of diabetic neurosis. Still not complaining, as I have my feet! The toe that I dropped the SLOW DOWN sign on, is still not healed. Black and blue around the nail still...

Dee, I will be praying for your nephew and his child. I don't have much faith in lawyers these days....

Colleen, good to see you here and thank you for your encouraging words!!

Thinking of you Barbara, Sherry, Carol, Wade, Shannon, Lora, Betty, and anyone I may have missed.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, Aiden looks so charming in the pumpkin patch...also I really liked the temporary sign you had made...the garden by the house is inspiring to me...

Becky, I too went to the Jesse's grave site at night...like I wrote to Lora earlier...I was glad to add some more solar lights in...

Would you be able to repost your link to the mothers diary...there was some things I would like to read again..also, is it okay with you to copy any of your poems?

Dee, will pray for your nephew and his child...the laws really need to be updated to give father's equal right with the mother, my son found out that when his daughter was born...

Kate, sounds like you are having a quiet evening at home....thinking of you and Ross as you head to the city for more tests...sending prayers...

Betsy, I had to smile when I saw the picture of Rich in long hair and beard...Jesse and his friends did that too...and good to see his other pictures...

Gretchen, that is so hard to have those kind of back issues...my sister just went in to Pain Management for hers...there was some kind of new treatment to help stop the nerves from sending too much pain through the body...

Wade, Wanda and Barbara thinking of you tonight...

Gravastorm...how are you doing???

Lora, thinking of you as you juggle the two jobs...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Laurie, here is the link to my pics and poems, dedicated to my son, Jared, entitled "Mother's Diary"

http://delmarpopwarner.com/MothersDiary.htm

You are certainly most welcome to copy anything you wish.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, here is the link to my pics and poems, dedicated to my son, Jared, entitled "Mother's Diary"

http://delmarpopwarner.com/MothersDiary.htm

You are certainly most welcome to copy anything you wish.

Thanks...have a peaceful evening...

[ericasmom]

Becky, thanks for your well wishes for my nephew and his Daughter. We miss her very much and when I think about her being taken like this, I sometimes feel that there isn't enough air to breathe. It feels like grief and in fact it is. My sis is grieving the empty arms she has after holding her Grandgirl for the months she did and then suddenly gone.

One day I will post my short essay about shopping for Erica's resting spot. Man I was angry at the woman who drove us around the cemetery.

Kate, I will keep sending positive energy to you and Ross, that the tests are all clean and that Ross continues to strengthen. Yes, the weather was lovely, I took a walk with my Daughter in law, Shannon, and Baby Erica. It was lovely. Shan always lets me push the stroller which is a great feeling to me. She was wearing a new hat, a pumpkin hat.So adorable. Oh she makes me smile from the inside out. So even when my back is hurting, walking is the best thing for me. I have been doing my stretches and it is slowly healing, more muscular than structural this time.

Betsy, I always enjoy seeing Rich and read how you are doing, how Sarah is doing too. Have you stayed in contact with Betty and with Karen?Just thinking about them and all the others who pop in once in a while.

Good night All, may sleep give your body and mind what it needs most right now. Be good to yourselves, just as you would advise a friend.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

Thank you for sharing with me that you watched Trista's video. That means so much more than words can say. Thank you for your kind words. Tris was such a beautiful, sweet, fun Girl. I know in Spirit she still is all those things. I'm sorry your day turned so nasty. I'm glad your both warm and dry tonight. I hope tomorrow isn't too tiring for you both and wish you a peaceful evening.

Susan,

How are you?

Laurie,

Thank you. I'm glad that Trista's Garden inspires you. It's a work of my heart and a place to feel close when we are at home. Plus I'd never be able to get away with the big Hello Kitty at the cemetery. The sign was inspired by Lora and Wade. I actually bought it from the website that Lora had posted. I don't want to rush on Trista's stone because I want to make it "Perfectly Trista" (I wrote a story by that title when she was a little girl for her.) Also, as late as it is even if I had it ready they wouldn't be able to place it until spring. I just couldn't leave her site that long without her name. After her stone is placed I will use the sign at her Angel Spot.

Dee,

Sending prayers for your nephew. I'm sorry he's having to deal with this. There are so many dead beat dad's that get away not parenting but when a Father truly loves and wants his Children his rights are overlooked. At least that's how it seems.

Becky,

Jared's site looks beautiful with the lights. So glad that neighbor lets you use his gate! I'm going to post some pictures of Trista's site and garden at night. I love what you did with the border and bench. I'd like to put a bench at Trista's site too when the time comes.

Tonight the boys and I lit candles in Trista's Garden. Aiden loved how it looks in the dark. He said it looks like magic and he knows Sissy loves it. That made me feel good. We also put up Trista's Nightmare Before Christmas display in her room. I would love to just skip all the holidays this year but because of my Boys and what I know Tris would expect of me, we are going to embrace them and bring her along with us in all the ways we can. Most people start their holiday season with Thanksgiving but because of Tris we have always started ours with Halloween. I miss her so very much.

Sis, I love you and miss you with all my heart. I know your were with us today and always. Love you, Mom

Wishing everyone Peace tonight.

Shannon

Trista's Garden at night

Trista's Nightmare Before Christmas Display

Trista's site at night

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

This is from a book I'm reading. It's from a section about auras. I know "aura" is kind of a "new agey" word (I'm making up words now too) but you can think of an aura scientifically as just a specific energy pattern a person gives off. Anyway, this book isn't specifically about grief but this quote from the book really hit me and I wanted to share it.

The longer and more intimate the contact with another, the more subtle and powerful the interactions of the auric fields. Parents share at least some of their energies with their children throughout their entire lives. There is a dynamic entertwining and sharing of these energies. Part of the mourning process at death involves the withdrawal of the deceased individuals energy form those he or she may have shared with. The closer and more intimate the relationship, the longer this untangling can take. This type of communion of energies may never be fully separated.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

This is from a book I'm reading. It's from a section about auras. I know "aura" is kind of a "new agey" word (I'm making up words now too) but you can think of an aura scientifically as just a specific energy pattern a person gives off. Anyway, this book isn't specifically about grief but this quote from the book really hit me and I wanted to share it.

The longer and more intimate the contact with another, the more subtle and powerful the interactions of the auric fields. Parents share at least some of their energies with their children throughout their entire lives. There is a dynamic entertwining and sharing of these energies. Part of the mourning process at death involves the withdrawal of the deceased individuals energy form those he or she may have shared with. The closer and more intimate the relationship, the longer this untangling can take. This type of communion of energies may never be full separated.

Shannon

Don't know if the book went into this, but I read there are changes in the aura when someone is near death...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

It didn't, Laurie, or at least not so far. I'm not finished with it yet. That's interesting though and I want to look more into that. Thank you.

[wgreenlee]

Didn't want to post this earlier, as it seemed the site had a happy vibe going on, but need to now. Need to just get it out. Was having a hard time so I went to visit Brooks tonight to see how a new solar light worked and started to delete my phone texts. Had our last conversation from the weekend prior to his death. Hadn't really looked at it, but decided to in case I ever deleted it.

Saturday:

How's your day going?

Good. Went and cashed that check, went grocery shopping, and made some payments on a few bills. Got some help today. That is a relief, and now we are just trying to get caught up on everything. The girls are staying at a friend's house and Shauna is working. I wanted to practice a couple games but that check went to bills, which is perfectly fine with me. Did you get our picks, I emailed them to ya.

Sure did. Why don't you meet mom early tom and practice a couple?

That sounds good. I could probably use it.

Mom wants to bowl at least one game. Meet before 12 she said.

That sounds good. I'll meet her at 1030 high sierra.

Mom said you don't bowl until almost 1. How about 1130?

Ok whatever works for her. I'll be there.

Sunday:

Mom's taking off in 10 min.

You mtng mom?

Yep

Have fun. Do a little stretching first.

(picture of stretch bands that he used)

Good. Bowl well.

Thanks.

Have fun?

Mom said you bowled ok but not great. You'll be over 200 after more practice.

The Deathly Hallows p1 is on.

Yeah gotta get my fit back to normal. The way that the balls fit my hand ya know. I'll get it back in no time.

(talked on phone)

Next week right down the road. Good job with the tire. Shauna less stressed now?

Hope so. Never can tell with woman huh. (that gave me a chuckle at the time)

Yep. Keep working hard and being honest. Everything will be good.

How's the family? Ready for bed?

Love you son. Have a super week. Make a list of all the things you need to accomplish.

You have a good week too dad. Love you guys. Good night.

Night son. Text you tom. Do good deeds this week.

I'll be solid.

Monday:

How was your day? I'm giving blood.

Good just cleaning and watching some music videos. The girls are playing in a little inflatable pool the got in the backyard.

MNF is on.

I'm watching the redskins game right now.

I think we got 6 picks so far.

And then we talked on the phone a few times prior to his going over to his friend's house...

Well, he didn't have a super week and neither did I and now it seems like I'm back to where I started... Need so many prayers right now. Went to a Catholic Mass today because they were sending up a prayer for him for "repose of his soul," and it just is all coming back.

I love you so much son and want you back. Please God help me...

[wgreenlee]

Didn't want to post this earlier, as it seemed the site had a happy vibe going on, but need to now. Need to just get it out. Was having a hard time so I went to visit Brooks tonight to see how a new solar light worked and started to delete my phone texts. Had our last conversation from the weekend prior to his death. Hadn't really looked at it, but decided to in case I ever deleted it.

How's your day going?

Good. Went and cashed that check, went grocery shopping, and made some payments on a few bills. Got some help today. That is a relief, and now we are just trying to get caught up on everything. The girls are staying at a friend's house and Shauna is working. I wanted to practice a couple games but that check went to bills, which is perfectly fine with me. Did you get our picks, I emailed them to ya.

Sure did. Why don't you meet mom early tom and practice a couple?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I love you so much son and want you back. Please God help me...

We lift up Wade before You tonight...may Your grace and heavenly Love pour down upon us...because we need Your help tonight, in this moment...You have placed eternity in our hearts...let the Holy Spirit pray for us in our deep sorrow...

Amen

John 11 (Lazarus death)

When Jesus saw Mary weeping... he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved...

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Wade, I am thinking of you today and know just how awful this is to deal with. Yesterday I got the cards out that people had sent and again reread them. I still read Jeff's emails to me that I had kept. It somehow gives me a sense of having him closer. This is a very difficult time for you right now. You are in the deepest part of grieving. I know how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other and push yourself to just do the smallest things. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself this time to face the shock and loss. It is not easy as we all know. Please do try to take proper care of yourself and get some rest and eat properly. I know the will is not there at this time. But getting run down will not help either. It just complicates things further. Let the tears flow. They have to be released. You must do what is right for you to walk this path. Each day will bring a different feeling. Some days will seem manageable and others impossible. Know that you are allowed to feel horrible. You have people here that truly do care and totally understand. Keep posting and we are holding you close. I wish I could change paragraphs on this silly thing. Anyway, we woke up to a fine dusting of snow! This is early for us and usually don't have any until Halloween. I imagine it will melt in a few hours. Just off to the city. Not looking forward to today at all. And the wheels keep turning. Thinking of everyone today and sending much love. Kate

[hopeful40]

Wade. This poem is for you...Jesse's Mom, Trista's Mom, Laurie, Shannon, Dee--all others who visit this topic area.

The poem was written by me many years ago, for an inspirational greeting card line in my company. It seems I am finding solace in this as well. (I am grabbing and reaching for E-V-E-R-Y thing I can find, which will help me get over this grieving hurdle and eases the pain--even if, but a little.) The pain runs deeply.

Went to the store this morning. On the way home, looked down at the radio in car and thought about my daughter (she would always program my stations). Yes! The tears found themselves, once again slowly running down my face. Thus, came me asking questions aloud to God...wanting to know why. Hurt? Beyond hurt. My heart. My life. My very being, possesses such a crushing feeling, which weighs me down. I had to bounce back, and concentrate on my driving, as my attention was distracted somewhat. Never ever know when something BIG or small will hit you,relative to your child-- causing you to go into "freeze mode," and breaking down.

Today, I shall resume another of my "Yana Projects." My daughter also drew some illustrations for my card lines. Saturday, she sent me a sign. I packaged some of the cards with her artwork and intend to give to some close family and dear friends. The label on the front of each package reads: In Memory of Ayanna. Enjoy! Second label asks

that the recipient donate to AHA (American Heart Association). I shall place in mail this week. You see, I have some ideas of keeping her memory alive...but I also, daily ask God and her, to give me signs, and ideas of how to work through so much she left behind talent-wise. I know I'll get my answers. I pray daily for them. Haven't had any problems thus far receiving good responses.

Enough of my blabbering. Here is the poem I mentioned early. To all. Due enjoy. Let it bear meaning for what you too, are enduring. And, may God be with US all through these difficult times. I'm sure He will be. He's a GOOD God. He never fails! :

Hope

There's a word we should know,

When set upon the heart offers a slightly glow.

It brings life to those that be,

Where darkness was...there's now light to see.

Despair before us will soon disappear,

The power of HOPE reflects so clear.

And of those times we seem to grope,

Sit down in prayer and look for HOPE.

With its presence our worries set free,

Sing praises to the Almighty...blessed one is HE.

And during those times the entrance of fear,

Remember we must. HOPE always stands near.

-Barbara

May all have a very productive, blessed day! God shall provide for all of us...even in this extremely DARK time we are experiencing.

Ayanna. My love for you grows strength every single day. You were a beautiful soul and being--inside and out. I am so grateful God delivered you to me. You made me...and make me so PROUD. And, I will continue to make you proud of me as well. Rest comfortably, for I shall come to be with you, in God's time. (Just ready a place for me and keep my sleeping quarters warm), "Snow Cone."

Your "Pumpkin"

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

Sending thoughts and prayers for comfort and peace today. This is hard and as Kate said, you are allowed to break down, to be angry, hurt, desperate for your Brooks, we all know those feelings. Trista has been gone for less than five months. For the first three I don't remember much at all except intense pain. I was wrapped in a fog of shock that just recently has started to recede. Susan calls it a shock suit. I think we wear it for a long time. I read the last messages between Trista and myself too. It's hard and yet something I cling to. Those last "I love you's". Important because they were said. Heartbreaking because they were our last. All the what if's, the whys... I know all of those. We all do. And yes, we can stay hopeful, we can lean on our faith and those connections we still feel with our Children, but underneath it all, we just want them back. I read this quote recently and it's such a little thing but it helps me. Some days I cling to these little mantras, “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.” Most days that's all I can do.

I know Brooks is with you and wrapping you in his love. He's so proud of how you are reaching out to others, offering compassion through your own pain. I know he, Trista, and all of our Beautiful Children would reach into our hearts and take this pain away if only they could.

I hope today you feel some comfort and Peace.

Barbara,

Thank you for sharing that poem. Hope is so important to this journey. Yes, you just never know what will hit you and cause a breakdown. Thinking or you today and wishing you a peaceful day to work on you "Yana Projects." Thank you for sharing yourself and your Beautiful Daughter with us.

Kate,

Snow sounds awful to me. I'm dreading winter. I'm holding you and your husband in my thoughts today. I hope everything goes well.

I woke up at 3am in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I couldn't slow my heart rate or stop shaking until after 4am. I don't know what caused it. I can't remember what, if anything I was dreaming about. Needless to say, I'm tired today. It's another pretty fall day though. I took my coffee to my deck where I could look down at Trista's Garden. There were two squirrels chasing each other around the branches of the tree just above my head. I think I will get Aiden outside again today. That seems to be very good for us both and soon the weather will turn cold and nasty. I'm so dreading winter. I have decided to put in a small greenhouse. It's just big enough for a few plants and a small table to sit and read but hopefully will help get me through this winter and allow me to keep some flowers blooming for my Girl.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Shannon

[gravastorm]

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded" Ralph waldo Emmerson

This is us. and This is our children.

Wade your anguish is a familiar but duller ache to me and one day it will soften for you too. One thing I remember from the days..make that months after Alex left is telling people I felt like a recovering addict, my addiction was Alex and I had quit cold turkey. "One day at a time" "baby steps" were no longer cliche or even remotely funny, they were my condition. I was lucky enough to have a dear friend come and stay with me for 4 months. I gave every thing up to her and went invalid-ish. She once commented it was like having two 5 year olds sometimes (me and my son are carbon copies). It was during this time that I lost all the stuff I had been saving on my phone. Alex's messages, pictures, all of it. I remember only one text went like this "Well boy it looks like it's just you and me for the job, everyone else crapped out." That's ok mom we'll get thru it. We always do." ... .... we always do, god those words haunt me. But I will turn around. I will not think about him then. I think about him now. Watching me cry because I miss him so much. I don't want him to see me so sad. So I'm grabbing a tissue *excuse me* Dry my face and say "I love you pugs. We'll get thru this, We always do." and smile. They are here and they don't want us to be so broken. We owe it to them to breathe easier because they lived.

[lovU2themoon]

I have been away for the weekend, and the truth of taking you grief with you rings true.

Sad and missing Lane while i was away, anxious and panicky being away from home, anxious returning home, knowing he was not going to be there to greet me

with a "Hey what did you bring me back?"

and now it is snowing here, which indicates more time has gone by since is saw my Lane, my sweet Lane.

[tobyfreefoot]

allison found some new pics of forest today.

wade--it has been more than two years and usually i hold it together pretty well but today i was crying at the sky while driving saying "please don't make me go through eternity without you. please wait for me, please i love you so much." so i guess you certainly have the right to fall apart whenever you want.

shannon--i never thought i would spend so much time in a cemetery either but then again i never would have thought this could happen. forest is buried an hour away but i manage to get there 3-5 times a month. my granddaughter is so use to going my daughter said last time they went she got madeline out of her carseat and she took off like a shot across the cemetery straight to her uncle forest's grave.

BTW MY MOM CALLED AND SUGGESTED I TAKE THE SOLAR LIGHTS OFF FOREST'S GRAVE ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT TO KEEP FROM ATTRACTING VANDALS MIGHT BE SOMETHING TO CONSIDER IF YOUR SITE IS OPEN AT NIGHT.

oh and dee luckily they charged my insurance not me because you can buy this brace for less than $300 our health care is out of control--it is a prolign ext by de royal

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Wanda "...while i was away, anxious and panicky being away from home, anxious returning home, knowing he was not going to be there to greet me "with a "Hey what did you bring me back?""

Those were my exact feelings and thoughts when I went away last time from home and came back ... I usually would go straight to his house after a trip ...Jesse would greet me walking up his driveway with a great big smile...this last time I went to the cemetery after the trip...

From Gretchen..."please don't make me go through eternity without you. please wait for me, please i love you so much."

Please wait for me...my heart thoughts too...

****************************************

Wanda thanks for posting Lane's picture...I am sure Jesse and him would have had a great time...but like other moms have said, I often picture our children visiting together in their heavenly home...

[Mermaid Tears]

My Grama's friend who lost her husband and two children from an explosion...she said her prayers were..."Please Lord, let them know me when I come"......

Amen on that.

[Mermaid Tears]

Prayers for everyone today.....

If you could see my life like a deck of cards...

and you could just pick any card...just any....

it would have some kind of 'issue' on it....

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon...am so sorry to get back with you on what I did for the book.."The Next Place" I gave to Pebbie....

very simple....I pasted different photos of John David...at different ages....on the page....some with captions...like..."I will be there in the sunshine..shining down on you..."

'I will be there when you play soccer...I will be in the wind'

"I will be there in the moon shine...showering you with Star Dust'...

" I will be there in the ocean...in the spray of the waves'

"I will be there when you go crabbing with Nonnie...you will hear my laughter in the midst of seagulls crying"

I also made some funny captions...for he loved to 'tease' her and Tay Tay....

Each of our children were so unique...and I am sure you can do the same for your Aiden...from Trista....

[Jeff's Mom]

Just checking in. I have definitely been thinking of each and every one of you today. Oh my, it was a crazy day. Weather was not too bad after my initial shock of the first snow of the year. I have to say that I HATE snow as I grow older. Ok, I am a Canadian and it goes against the norm. BUT...as I age this is just plain nuts. I spoke with my son in Calgary not long ago and he wore shorts today. Go figure! Wade, you were in my thoughts today and I truly hope that as the day progressed you were able to find a slight sense of peace. Holding everyone close this evening. Kate