Loss of an Adult Child

[wgreenlee]

Carol,

My prayers are with you on this day of Mike's Angelversary. I know you feel his continued presence and love, and I pray to God that he gives you His ultimate comfort and grace today.

Please Lord, be with Carol and her family today and bless them with your presence in a big way. Let them feel you and the warmth of your love. Let them know that Mike is safe and loved in your heavenly arms and that all of us will be reunited in Eternity. I pray you would show them the little things that bring smiles to parents' faces, and eases the pain from our child's loss. Amen!

Wade

[wgreenlee]

Same here Susan. Had to take today off from school cuz I just couldn't get myself together. Worst weekend yet. Don't know how many times I visited Brooks' site. Just couldn't keep myself away. Wanted to be close to him. I guess it's really hitting me now. Strength will come. I should have come on this site a little more maybe. Stuff is bottled up inside and the cork just won't release... I'll never get to see hime get married, or play with grandchildren, or help him buy his first house, or ... or ... or... God, take me away from all of this!

Brooks, I love and miss you so much! You were everything to me and I'm having a hard time. Be with me. Let me know you're ok. I see you in everything...EVERYTHING... Be good buddy...Dad

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, so sorry to hear that you are going though such a difficult time. The video of Ralph singing was really touching. Sending love and prayers to you and Cathi and the family. Take care of yourself. Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, I know it is so hard. Hang in there. Take all the time you need to heal. You have suffered a huge loss and it is going to be a slow go. Visiting the site is something that my husband and I do several times a week. It helps to give us something to hold on to. Sending prayers and wishes for some peace today for you. Kate

[lovU2themoon]

MIKE MIKE MIKE

Thinking of you and your family today sending prayers!!

Wade, I think of you as you struggle through these days, feeling the heaviness in your chest, and longing for the closeness of your son. Its so heartbreaking that we have to feel this pain,

Shannon, your Zak is so sweet looking, and the art work for Trista is beautiful.

I read the post and try to gather strength from them, today is Canadian Thanksgiving, i will go to my mom's and family will come for a big dinner, but no Lane, who so loved it when we all got together, i find very few things to to Thankful for a this time.

But another first i need to get thru, and many more Thanksgivings, Halloweens, Christmases, birthdays without my boy.

Just more pain, and longing to see his face and hold him and kiss his forehead and another big bear hug.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Same here Susan. Had to take today off from school cuz I just couldn't get myself together. Worst weekend yet. Don't know how many times I visited Brooks' site. Just couldn't keep myself away. Wanted to be close to him. I guess it's really hitting me now. Strength will come. I should have come on this site a little more maybe. Stuff is bottled up inside and the cork just won't release... I'll never get to see hime get married, or play with grandchildren, or help him buy his first house, or ... or ... or... God, take me away from all of this!

Brooks, I love and miss you so much! You were everything to me and I'm having a hard time. Be with me. Let me know you're ok. I see you in everything...EVERYTHING... Be good buddy...Dad

Wade, my husband and I read this book early on...it is written by Dennis Apple who has been a grief counselor for 25 years after his son died...written more by a father perspective...

Life after the death of my son

http://www.amazon.co...ds=dennis apple

I think sometimes the longer we go, the more the awful reality sets in...

************************************************

Last night I went to Jesse's site, the sun had just set...my husband called and asked where I was and wondered why I went there after dark...

I thought to myself, "Like it being night or day really matters to Jesse" ...nights are hard in the sense I can not bear to think of where his physical body is at that time...not in tucked in his bed...but "there"...

It was good to put extra solar lights out there...I will buy a few more...probably will change out the flowers at the end of this month and pull the stuff that should not be outside in winter...

[mikesmomrs]

sorry..double post

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you all, so very much for all of the beautiful tributes and remembrances of our son, Mike. I am so comforted by the thought that I know that I can come here and ALWAYS be welcomed, ALWAYS be comforted, and ALWAYS be understood, and NEVER judged. I wanted to share what I posted on my FB page this afternoon for Mike's angelversary.

Today is the 7th anniversary of our son, Mike, leaving this earthly plane to enter into his eternal life with our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Cathi and I believe that Mike and his dad were with us last night at the game, and it was a great night ...all around.

Missing Mike so so much...I can't believe it is SEVEN years since I've heard the phone ring, and when I would answer, he would say, "Hey, what you up to?" and I would say "About 5' 9 1/2," how bout you?" I would hear a deep sigh, and then our conversation would begin. He loved to tease, and he had a dark sense of humor that he just loved loved loved. When the Red Sox won the world series in 2004, the next year we went to a game a few weeks after his first brain surgery. ( For those of you who don't know...he had terminal brain cancer). We already knew how long he had left, and were trying to make the most of it. During the game, he asked if we could go to the team store after the game to look for a tie-dyed Red Sox shirt he had seen. When we got there, we couldn't find it anywhere, and we were standing there, side by side, both of us, necks craned, gazing up at the wall, like we were tourists in Times Square, standing in awe, searching for it. We both saw another shirt at the same time. In honor of the fact that the Red Sox had the previous year finally won a world series championship after 86 years, the shirt said the sentiment of many an old-timer: "NOW I CAN DIE IN PEACE." I started to look away and pretend I hadn't seen it, when I sensed out of the corner of my eye that Mike was maybe thinking the same thing. I started to say something to him but was afraid it would upset him. I should have known better. We both looked at the shirt again, and then looked at each other at the same time, and we both burst out laughing. We hugged each other and the tears fell through our laughter, right there in the middle of the Fenway Souvenir Store. I will never forget that moment, nor the feeling of his arms around me as we laughed and cried through our sorrow, yet overwhelmed with our joy, as well. He was almost 31 years old, he was 6' tall, married, with 3 children. But, he was still my youngest child...my baby...and always will be. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY INTO YOUR LIFE WITH THE LORD IN ETERNITY, MIKE. WE LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH! I miss you so much, and you will always be loved and remembered! This first picture is of our first time at Fenway together...the second one was taken at Fenway at his last birthday, Aug 20, 2006, and the last one is of us at his last game, September 29, 2006...he left this earth exactly two weeks later. I miss you, Mike. And I love you. The first picture here is of us at our first game together. The second was his last "birthday game" we went to together, the day before his last birthday on this earth (Aug 20, 2006), and last is of us at our last game together, September 29, 2006, just two weeks before he left us. All memories I am so very thankful to have. (The last picture is very blurry, and makes me look like I've pasted my nose back on! lol)

[wgreenlee]

Thank you Carol, Laurie, Wanda, and Kate...

Maybe it's just hitting me...MY SON IS DEAD and I'll never hold him or kiss him again!!!

I know I will get through this. God get me through this please...

I love you Brooks...going to see you now...Dad

[Mermaid Tears]

I know that many, many here will hear you....and feel your deep sadness.....I think if you feel like howling to the moon...do it....if you feel like sitting on the couch in your housecoat and crying...do it....listen to her music and just let it all out....we will not get any awards for being 'Strong and Stoic'.....nor will anyone pat us on the back for holding in the tears and sobs....you have enough love for your child to take you to the moon and back in a rocking chair....and you are missing her and longing for her in only the way a Mama can....so wrap yourself around all your loving thoughts about her....and you mourn in your way.....we all do....we have 'those days' where the sun doesn't shine....and then we have 'those days' where the sunshine comes through the cracks in our hearts....it hurts...it is just plain hard pain....and we understand for we are all walking in your shoes....be very, very gentle and kind to yourself....at the times when grief washes over you.....like an ocean tide...it will come...and then recede....I call it 'coming up for air'.....hang on and have faith that He will bring you through this....

Wade....I wrote this many months ago....just use 'him' for 'her'....and you will get the meaning......you and others will have what I call an emotional breakdown...and you will live in a place where 2 plus 2 is not 4.....you will become a 'sky watcher'...and a 'seeker'....and you will search high and low...in every word...every song...in every room....in every book...under the trees...on every road...for 'rhyme and reason'.....it is all in the grief journey...time will march on....but you will have a different way with telling time....and you will be a changed person. Period. There will never be a 'pat' answer...for all your questions. For now...you may have to take some extra time from work....don't worry....it will be there....'if time were not a moving thing and I could make it stay'....things do go forward...but if you want to 'drop out' for awhile...that is ok, too. A broken leg will not heal while running. A broken heart cannot heal while running, either. Healing begins inside. Just come and post whatever you are feeling...and the ones on this site will hold their hand out to you. They will have their own words to share with you. Grief has so many layers and directions. I think it is very normal to have some very 'bad..bad..dark..days'...Peace to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....thank you for sharing those photos....I see a lot of love between 'Mama and her SONShine boy'.....I do understand....thank you for sharing your story....it will stay with me...and I hope you find comfort and peace and joy somewhere in this day.

[Jeff's Mom]

For me one of the hardest words to say was dead. That Jeff was dead. I had to find a way to process the fact that he was gone. It did not seem real. Still doesn't some days. Slowly, as the days turned into weeks and now years I find that the hurt has eased somewhat. But the longing to hold and just hear his voice again tugs at my heart strings daily. Carol, your family are amazing. Sharing your life with us over this past couple of years has given me much encouragement to keep going when the going got really tough. I am so glad that your faith has also given you great support and encouragement. The pics that you have shown us clearly display the tenderness that is shared by you both. He was truly an amazing young man to face his death with such courage. All of the photos that I have seen over the years of great young people and their families and friends really hits home. It does sadden me to know that these decent young people had their lives cut short in their prime. I have also witnessed the strength and determination of parents to face their adversity despite such heartache. The human spirit is strong. We find strength that we didn't know we even had to keep going. Wade, each day will give you a series of ups and downs. The first year is so hard to work through the fog of pain. But you will... and can do it. Slowly bit by bit you will again piece your life together again. It takes a huge amount of time. Go easy on yourself and just let your heart lead you. Today is our Canadian Thanksgiving. We had to cancel an invite as Ross was not well enough to attend. He is watching our home football team play in Montreal. I look at him and am so grateful for the time that has been given to us this year. I do not really know what the future has in store for him. Who really does? But for today...I am forever grateful. And so my Thanksgiving is complete. That and having had the honor of being given my son for the brief period that we did have together. Thinking of everyone today and sending love and prayers your way. Love, Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

To all the newbies here, here is something I wrote almost a year ago, that hopefully will give you some peace.

I had reached a point in my grief, that I questioned how my son, Jared, could possibly be happy in heaven without us. We missed him so much, and it hurt so much, wouldn't it be hurting him too? Someone on FB posted that I needed to read some literature about heaven, as I must not know enough about it! They even said, that my son was so happy, and wouldn't be missing us like we missed him. That infuriated me!!

A few days later, I googled books about heaven, and ordered this one called "The Shack". It was kinda out there, even for someone who had been brought up in church, but the storyline of it was taking a grieving and angry father who had lost his little girl, through the process of seeing her through the eyes of God... in HER new "normal", and somehow it brought me peace. Then I realized what this person who posted me meant, not that my child didn't remember his family, or didn't love them, but our children are in a new state of being, and as such had let go of all the things that made them human..., our worry, our impatience, our giving our problems to God, only to snatch them right back out of His hands a minute later, as we just have to do things ourselves.... my angel has let go of those earthly restraints, and even when he see us struggle, he is still going to smile, because he can see past all of this that is our lives here, and while we hope and pray for a blessed reunion, he KNOWS it's coming, no doubts, no fears, no tears.

It's like a complete role reversal... remember when we took them to daycare or school the first time, how they looked at us with yearning for us to take them in our arms and take them back home, to the safe place? We knew, because we had more knowledge and experience, what it was they were fearing, but we smiled, because we knew they would grow and learn. Now, my angel is watching down on us, and seeing how we cope with our new set of circumstances. Now it's our turn to step out and learn to walk. He, like we were when we set him out to meet the world for the first time on his own, is wiser than us now, suddenly more mature than we are... he KNOWS we'll be ok, that this parting is only temporary, and that we will be together again.

Hold on!!!

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Becky....how profound in the simplicity...makes my heart smile...thanks for sharing....maybe we need to re-post some things we have shared for our 'new ones'....what you just shared is awesome...

[ericasmom]

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving to Kate and to Love u to the Moon,

I hope it is a crisp and lovely day.

I wrote a poem the first year of holidays without Eri, called Missing From the Table. I will post it later as it may ring true for those of you new to this walk.

Wade, the shock is beginning to wear away some, leaving that blinding ache of realization. Not that you did not realize prior, but now the stark knowing and your body and mind coming to terms with the tragedy of losing Brooks...our arms ache just as our hearts ache, all our body missing him at once.

Carol, Love your photos. I remember when you first came to BI, I remember learning about who Mike is and the incredible love you shared and that you continue to share. It is forever. Both Mikes.

[ericasmom]

Missing From the Table

Warm lights pour outdoors

From the well lit dining room within where they gather-

Around a large table,

Laughter is heard

And everyone is smiling-

I am a voyeur.

And from the wet pavement

I walk with my memories-

Remembering our warm lights and the clatter of silverware-

The faces and the laughter

Around our large family –

But now a void,

an empty chair,

She is missing from the table.

[Mermaid Tears]

Once again...Dee....your words are my heart....thank you for sharing...

[ericasmom]

Thanks Susan, while the holidays have taken on more joy in the last few years, we definitely have an empty chair at the table. Always. But full hearts.

One photo on the left is me with my little Darling Grandgirl a the JDRF walk two weeks ago. The one on the right is the same day with her beautiful Momma.

[Newbie17]

Becky,

Thankyou for referring the appointments with God, I loved seeing through his eyes the portals of heaven and imagining my son there standing. It really is very hard grieving times, it seems everywhere I turn there is reminders of my son. It is putting such a pain in my heart. I liked what you wrote Laurie, it puts my mind at peace thinking about his new normal beyond this earthly home. The son I cared for , loved more than life and miss immensely is now watching over me... So why does my heart hurt so much???

jena

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....you and your Eri Child so favor each other....as it should with 'Mama / Daughter'....am copying your poem....it speaks loud with the soft words....with the changing of the seasons...I am already dreading the holidays....my Pebbie is coming to decorate my front porch for Halloween and I will have dinner for daughter, Hunter Bear, Tay, and Pebbie...the GRANDchildren do bring some fuel to carry us through....

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Jena....please tell us your story....and tell us about your son....as always....we are so sorry to see 'new ones'....for we know why you are here....but....you have come to a place where you will be heard....listened to....this site has been my life line...when my human boat has been going down for the last time....people put their hands out to me...and lifted me...and carried me...let us hear from you. So sorry to hear you lost your beautiful son.

[hopeful40]

Yesterday was a little better than today. My daughter, friends came to visit and spend time with me. They are a blessing to me...and help in the hurt which

has taken over my being. Two of her girlfriends, promised to come every other week and stay overnight. They have been a godsend, for they help with chores around the house, pamper and play with the dogs, sit with me and talk about Yana. I'm ever grateful that she had such kind, caring and loving friends. One of her male friends, comes every other Sunday. He helps around the house with lifting heavy boxes and bins...taking some of Yana's possessions from one level in the house to another. (It's very difficult for him to talk about her, as he breaks down often and I find myself consoling him.) He's such a beautiful person. While their here, I too, shed a tear and smile, just thinking about her. The biggest breakdown comes, when they've departed and I am by myself. (I just cannot shake thinking she is going to come through the front door.)

Our little dog, the Shih Tzu, noticed me in my distress and came over and jumped in my lap. I try very hard, NOT to call her name, when talking on the phone while he is around. When he hears me, he immediately faces the front door, or runs to the hall, sits and waits for her entrance. I picked him up one day, cuddled him and told him she would not be coming back anymore. It's so terribly hard on all of us. Sammy, the rescue dog she found in the street, he was four months old--he's now a little over a year; looks for her when he is let loose in the fenced area for his running exercise. Yana would stand on the deck look down, call his name, throw soe of his toys down to him, and he would put on a show for her. He still continues to look up to the deck to see if she is there. Yes! all of us are feeling her no longer being in the house with us. She would come visit us and stay for a week...then return to her home. Sometimes she would stay for two weeks. We would have the best of times--Yana, the dogs and me. I love her so much and miss her something terrible.

I'm glad I have found this site, it's helping tremendously. This site, and the therapy I have involved myself with, I know will assist in my healing process. It's going to be an extremely long journey, but I am readying myself for it. My daughter was blessed with many talents. After she had to cease working, she dove into each, head on. Sometimes an individual is given many talents. However, they sometimes, concentrate perhaps on only one...and not excel in the others. Totally different with my Yana.

She sang, and sang well; was a songwriter--all songs she wrote, she did sing. She played the keyboard well and learned about to mix her music with sound and used her voice in many ways, with the songs she created and burned in her studio. She self-taught herself with the acoustic guitar. Played the electric guitar as well. She loved writing poetry and prose. (This led her to write weekly articles for online companies.) Lastly, she loved to draw. (Going through her possessions...is liken to sifting through a "treasure trove.") I have found artwork I had never seen before. Even discovered poems I had never seen before. All types of emotions enter my body while looking at all she accomplished. I have no idea how I shall get her works to others to be shared. I do know as I continue to pray asking God to give me direction--and asking Yana to help Him, I will brings my projects of hers to fruition. Daily, I am working on organizing, grouping and putting her accomplishments together. I look forward to it. Cry. Smile. And "press on." Wonderful, terrific therapy for me. My goal is to commemorate her life and what she stood for. The projects help me with my life as well--as I am no longer the Barbara I used to be. My life now, has a different calling. When I look at her photos (oh, I forgot to mention she had just begun testing the waters with photography--photojournalism), I think about all the wonderful memories I have of her.

I have promised Ayanna, everything she did, will NOT be in vain. I have a mission and as long as God gives me health and strength, it shall be done. I will commemorate

as best I can. She was my ANGEL here on earth...and now an ANGEL in HEAVEN. Her spirit will be with me always. As I sit writing this, I must pause ever so often, because the tears tend to release themselves, but I smile and think of her. I WILL BE STRONG FOR the LOVE of MY LIFE! Her light keeps me going as I reflect on the infectious smile and warm being that she was.

I LOVE YOU DEARLY, MY "SNOW CONE."

YOUR MOM, "PUMPKIN"

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I want to thank each and everyone of you for reaching out to me, and helping in this every painful path I am on (along with you). Your words which console and offer comfort help me so much, words cannot express. Of this I do appreciate.

I also ask, if you notice errors in this writing do overlook..as I did not feel up to proofreading this evening. The heart is heavy and the tears are starting once more.

My prayers are with you all.

God Bless each of you.

Barbara

[wgreenlee]

Susan,

What you wrote was so beautiful and heartfelt. You made a difference today. Thank you so much! And peace back to you...

Jena,

Oh, how I understand your pain. I, too, would love to hear about your precious son and see pictures of him if you would like to share. I am making a slide show of all of our Angels as part of my grief process, if that would be ok with you. This is my new family now and I want to honor all of our Angels. Know that I will constantly uplift you and your family with prayers.

Dee,

You have so much love to give...your words are always comforting. Just being on this site gives me so much peace. We are still seeing people who haven't heard about Brooks' death, and today the school insurance called to tell us we would be receiving a check in the mail because he wasn't on the insurance anymore. The lady felt so bad she had to talk with us. I find in those times that I feel better because I can help others understand that it's ok to mourn with us. And life does move on... And what a precious grandchild. Snuggled up with mom and grandma.

Becky,

Thank you for your words as well. I do believe in the Eternity God promises us. It is times like this when I feel ok, because I know Brooks is truly in a special place. My own hurt will dissipate and good things will reappear in my life. I do ache right now, but God is good. There will be a grand reunion some day.

Carol,

Thank you for your inspirational post. I bet Mike was in "heaven" yesterday when the Sox came back and beat Detroit. Continued prayers for you on your Angelversary. Thank you for sharing. I know I need that support and your son will be remembered by me, as well.

Laurie,

I have those same feelings when I visit Brooks. I want him also to be warm and "tucked in." But I do feel better knowing that his earthly body is only feet away from me, and I can remember him all snazzy in his new resting place. It's times like these when I can remember all the special moments we shared. Almost like I can hear him whispering to me that it's all ok.

Kate,

Thank you for your prayers. And Happy Thanksgiving up there to the north. My thoughts will always be with you and your family too.

This might seem silly, and even though I believe with all of my being that Brooks is in heaven, I don't know if there will be signs from him. But as I was sitting with him in the dark on Saturday, with only the solar lights on, I envisioned him giving me a sign that everything was ok. It had been a tough day and I really wanted to know that everything was going to be ok. Brooks' grave is right alongside a wall in a small cemetery, and right at that moment a plane appeared from over the wall flying towards our little airport. It didn't land though, but continued and then turned in a circle and flew directly over me...I mean it was right perfectly above me. When I continued to watch it, the lights of the plane were on all four corners and made a type of cross. It was so vivid. The night sky in the desert can be so clear. Then it turned again and I saw it start its approach one more time for the airport. My thought at that moment was, "Yeh, dad, I see you and will look out for you...and now I'm landing in God's arms, but I will always be with you." I will forever remember that no matter what.

What a special group of people I have met here, God. Even in my misery you have brought good things into my life and I thank and praise you.

For you Brooks. You have a special group of friends. More visited you over the weekend and left things in your name. Chad bought a bunch of baseballs and put them into a jar for people to sign. Many of them already were written on. Made me so proud. I know I told you that all the time, but now I really know how special you were to others. Gentle, caring, and loving. It was a better day today son, and I am ready to work tomorrow. Thank you for being who you were. All my love...Dad

[wgreenlee]

Barbara,

We're here for you. Yana is your Angel and the love you share with us about her is very special. Thank you. I, too, am going through my son's stuff. Hard times. I only do a little at a time and most of the time I have to stop and take deep breaths. But I am doing the same as you...caring for our child's "things" is a blessing for me right now. Some things I hadn't seen in years, which brings a smile to my face, even though my heart is so heavy. I know it will get better and pray that for you as well. This weekend was very hard for me, but getting on this site and feeling the love from everyone made a difference today. My son was also into music and had many songs he wrote, mixed, and sang. He has two songs being produced right now that he had just finished prior to his passing. The guy says he's almost done with them. Can't wait to hear them. He did rap, but every once in a while did something less "edgy" just for me. I will reupload a song he made for me and my wife. Brooks had some addiction problems over the last several years, but was finally clean and so proud of his newfound role being a dad for his girlfriend's children this past year. This was his way of saying thank you, because we never gave up on him and I know how much that meant to him.

Wade

[ericasmom]

Wade, beautiful music from your Boy. Love the photos withthe music as well. Indeed, the plane with the four lights...love what thought you had with that.

Barbara, I know the pain you are in, the looking at the front door and expecting HER to walk through it. You will figure out over time just how best to compile Yanna's art and writing. It will come together and you may feel her directing you in this.

Newbie, I am holding your hand as you find your way through the very dark days of grief. Tell us more when you can.

Goodnight All, May we have dreams of our Sweeties.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I lay on his bed last night, staring at the image on the ceiling that his nite lite makes... added his artwork of his hand making the "Taylor Gang" sign! I can't bring myself to change anything in that room...

There are so many earthly things that bind them to us, and even if we removed them all, there would still be the memories of them. I choose to drink them in, to hold them close as I wish to be holding him... the faint smell of his cologne still lingers on his pillows.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I lay on his bed last night, staring at the image on the ceiling that his nite lite makes... added his artwork of his hand making the "Taylor Gang" sign! I can't bring myself to change anything in that room...

There are so many earthly things that bind them to us, and even if we removed them all, there would still be the memories of them. I choose to drink them in, to hold them close as I wish to be holding him... the faint smell of his cologne still lingers on his pillows.

*************************************************************

I understand completely...my husband has been working on Jesse's property, clearing out the stuff on the outside...

But the inside of his house, now that is a different matter...I think my husband wants the "new and improved" version...but I am not ready to let go of what was...no, not yet...

His last car was even left as it was...even with the Taco Bell wrappers on the floor..

Last night, very long night of sad dreams...but yes, Jesse was in one of the dreams...

The reality that my son now is in the spirit world is slowing eroding my soul...and I know that once entering in the heavenlies they are surrounded by perfect, complete love...and that time has no meaning, but I live here, and I so miss him much...just doing the small everyday stuff with him...

Yesterday, I also again called the Crime Victim assistance line at our Attorney General's office because of the mistreatment of this case...found out that only two people in our entire state takes care of these types of matters... how stupid...

But I have officially entered a complaint, the one I will hammer on the most, is the press release from the Sheriff's dept based on false information...I already lost my son, the sheriff's department didn't have to destroy his good name along with everything and also not to mention the case, by doing such a foolish release...

*****************************************************************

Someone mentioned archiving your loved one's stuff, just thought I would mention that I have recorded Jesse's voicemail message. I used a free program called Audacity to do this along with a microphone... (phone companies are unable to retrieve lost copies, at least that is what they claim...)

I should also say, please save in multiple places...DVD's, hard drives, flash drives can fail...and those digital files should be resaved again in the future to keep them from getting lost...seen this happen to many people..

******************************************************************

Wade, I pm'd you with some info that you may find useful in your case....being a victim of a crime...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

*************************************************************

But I have officially entered in a complaint, the one I will hammer on the most, is the press release from the Sheriff's dept based on false information...I already lost my son, the sheriff's department didn't have to destroy his good name along with everything and also not to mention the case, by doing such a foolish release...

Laurie, I sent you a PM on this matter, as we are fighting that same battle.

[hopeful40]

Wade,

Thanks ever for reaching out with your soothing words. Certainly makes a difference to me. I smiled as I read your son, too,was involved with music...which really does soothe the soul. Yana has an album on itunes. When I feel the time is right, I will post some of her songs and poems on this site. (Just not ready--headwise.) We are all facing a "new normal." One which we certainly did not anticipate on ever wanted in our lives. It's so unnatural for children to leave their parent(s) side...to be with God, prior to the mother or father does. And ever difficult for a single parent with an ONLY child...which my Yana was. We know as times passes we will become stronger, but the pain and the loss of a close and dear one remains with us forever. How we handle this PHYSICAL SEPARATION is what matters in our lives. For me, I choose now to focus my attention on keeping her memory alive, by imploring ALL of what she left behind, to be shared with others... of when she so did this in the flesh; now I must follow-up upon her home going.

She and my Almighty, have given me direction when I thought about creating her acknowledgement card to be mailed to close and dear family and friends. (I once had a greeting card company.) Yana led me to a box of "wonderful goodies" relative to her. Found a beautiful photo of which I'd never seen. Was led by God, to use on from of the card...and the rest was history. (Again, when I am able to post, will do so to share. Cannot bring myself to do it just yet.)

Wade. this experience we are in, is one I wouldn't want to pass on to anyone. Wish it never happened. Times appear so surreal. At times I tend to question--but know it's God's will. Consoling myself by saying, my child was tired...Heart Tired, and needed rest. She was here but for a brief moment, but she packed in SOOOOO much in the short time on this earth. She wanted to give and share with others. Those OTHERS, appreciated her BEING and the talents she tagged to it. Such a warm, kindred spirit. I thank God for giving me a child, who never complained, happy and upbeat; witty beyond one's imagination; concerned about mankind and animals. Her hand extended to anyone who came in contact with her. God's EARTH angel, who needed her home to assist with the other angels in HEAVEN.

When I think like this, this helps me so much in my grieving process.

Today, I will resume sifting through her wealth of goodies and continue with my "Yana Therapy Projects." I do look forward to this EVERY single day!

Our children Wade...your son, my daughter...all others on this site, are gathering above and believing we will do a terrific job (in time--in each one's time), to become bigger, better, stronger and caring parents, for the sake of their

meaningful lives they DID have here on earth.

May comfort and peace follow us all.

I love you, Ayanna.

Barbara

Erica's Mom...

Thank you for your consoling words. I know in time, I, like Bijou, will look at the front door, but SMILE and think of the rich memories so impacted by my YANA!

Both my Almighty and Yana, have been collaborating recently in assisting me with quite a few things relative to Ayanna.

A message was given to me--to give Yana's car to a l-o-n-g time friend...who was traveling 3hrs. each way to her job. She had no choice or no car. You see the economy hit us hard, she was unemployed for two years. Now, she does not have to use public transportation. Told her, it wasn't about SELLING...but about "GIFTING!" (You know God has a way of looking out for us...if you BELIEVE!) Her friend called to say, she found a better job...better, closer to home job, and was elated! She'll still need wheels to get to and from her new job, however, it's in her county. Yes! God is an "On Time God!

Erica's Mom, I shall keep you in my prayers. My wish for you is to muster strength...we will ALL get through this. It definitely isn't going to be easy...but we shall and will OVERCOME. It will be God's will. He wants only good for each of us. Ours is not to question WHY (though that is a tad difficult to do), He knows what good for us and His children who are with Him now. And, we know, we SHALL be together when He is ready to have us fellowship with each and everyone of our children.

Today, I am a bit upbeat...but I do know the tears will flow, as they do so daily. I don't hold back, nor sit and become immobile. I can't! My Yana would NOT want me too. Nor, am I the type to do so. I know the answers will come re "compiling" her works. Anxiously I await that direction.

May God grant you the strength to keep on keeping on. Prayers to you and your family.

Barbara...Ayanna's mom

Angel of Mine

Prayers go out to you and your family. I smiled as I viewed the nite light reflection on the ceiling/wall. How creative! I'm sure your child was a joy and comfort to you. And, he will continue to be so in spirit. Hard for us to accept this, but you, like me and others, will come to grips with this one day in the future. Right now, it hurts, and hurts and hurts. Seems the pain does not go away. We'll come through this journey just fine. A process none of us ever wanted.

I, have NOT removed items from her room. In fact, I've brought two of her guitars from the basement, pairs of shoes, hung some of her artwork and awards in her room...and prepared it as if she were coming home. Did give some of her possessions to the Paralyzed Veterans Organization, her friends, both male and female, and family members. Kept items of importance to me (her signature hats, bags, etc.) Doing these things HELP me in this GRIEVING process I am a part of. I sit and read much of her poetry/prose; haven't gone through all of her portfolios with much of her art as yet. Will do so, as I meander through her treasures left behind.

Like you, I am appreciative of this site I happened to find. It helps me in trying to get through this. Angel of Mine, we must have the belief that in time (whenever it comes), we WILL BE better. Better to accept that God always knows what's best for us; better as human beings...reaching out to others and sharing with those telling how our children had worth and merit; and to memorialize and commemorate their existence. We can and shall do this, with smiles on our faces. "HAPPY FACES...makes for an improved lifestyle."

Be Blessed,

Barbara (Ayanna's "Pumpkin")...name she had for me.

I love you so much Yana. You make me proud. And I? I will do ALL in my power, to allow you to continue to be proud of me as well...through SHARING your gifts, given to you by GOD! Kisses to you forever!

Sorry all. Once again---DID NOT PROOFREAD. KINDLY OVERLOOK ERRORS

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

I love the video and the song. I’ve listened to it both times you’ve posted it and I think it’s beautiful. Brooks has an amazing voice. I have people I care about who are currently or have in the past struggled with addiction. How wonderful that you were able to see Brooks came out on the other side of that terrible journey. When I listen to the words of Brooks’ song it gives me hope for those I love. I wanted to share that with you so you know that Brooks’ voice is still being heard and making a difference in someone’s heart. I think anyone who hears that song will not be able to help being touched especially if they know the story behind it. I truly believe in signs and messages from our Angels. I NEED to keep that connection with my Trista. My Grandmother shared with me that while in church on Sunday, her Pastor made the statement that even though we don’t know much about Heaven, He believes that God has left an opening where our loved ones can reach through when they are needed. She said that at the moment he said those words, She “felt” Trista all around her.

Laurie and Becky,

I hope you’re able to get some resolution on the mistreatment of Jesse’s case and Jared’s case. I’m so sorry for all of us who have these legal battles because it truly does, in my opinion, add another layer to the grief. Especially, for those who have people involved who take no responsibility or accountability.

Trista’s things are as they always have been. I can’t imagine changing anything at this time and don’t know if or when I ever will. Her room is where I can go and just feel her all around me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on Heaven and what it’s like for our Angels. I read The Shack quite a few years ago. I read so much that I don’t really remember the story line. I may re-read it as it would probably have a completely different effect on me now.

Kate,

I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving. I still can’t say that word “dead”. I have only a couple of times and it’s just too much. I say Trista left or she crossed over. I don’t know if that will ever change. Thank you for your words of hope.

Wanda,

You were in my thoughts yesterday with all these “firsts”. I am so scared of the upcoming holidays. I just want to skip everything. I can’t but I want to. I hope you were able to find some peace and comfort.

Dee,

Your poem, again, explains what is in our hearts. Thank you for sharing it and for all the support and hope you give. I love the pictures of your Little One. She is so sweet and obviously so loved.

Carol,

Thank you for sharing your pictures and Mike’s story. You have a beautiful family and such strength. I love the video. Your husband has a beautiful voice… so peaceful.

It’s crazy the little things that hit me and send me into a breakdown. Today it was orange juice. Tris always drank all the orange juice as soon as I bought it. I would go to get a glass and it would be gone except for a little dribble in the bottom of the container that she would leave either so she wouldn’t have to throw it away or so she could say she didn’t drink all the orange juice. Now there is always orange juice in the fridge and it breaks my heart.

I read some of the nicknames from our Kids. Mine from Tris was Mama or Merm (I have no idea why, she would just say Merm in a funny voice to get my attention). She would also do that thing Stewie does on Family Guy… Zak and Tris were not supposed to watch that show but they always did anyway… Where he just keeps saying, “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma!” She would even do that by text just to drive me nuts! One of her favorite lines was from that song, “I got it from my Momma”. She said that about good things to butter me up and about “bad” things to remind me that it was my fault if she did something silly since I raised her! She always had this way of getting out of trouble by making me laugh. Zak calls me Mumsy or Mama.

Trista Mae, I miss you so very much every single minute of the day. I’m trying to stay strong like I know you would expect me to but I miss you, my Baby Girl, my Best Friend. Please stay close.

Love, Your Mom Forever

Thinking of Everyone today. I’m still trying to catch up on reading.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

I do believe that 'Mother Nature' puts a 'shock suit' around us when we hear 'your child has passed'.....it is fashioned in a way that we can...walk..talk...breathe...through the horror of it all....after time has passed...it slowly...slowly....wears away.....

[hopeful40]

Wade. I just listened to your son's song. What a voice! This dedication to his parents--so apropo. Isn't it such a warm and fuzzy feeling, knowing our children love(d) us dearly? And, their appreciation for us, is displayed in so very many positive ways.

Your son and Yana...are making music TOGETHER...up on high. What a team they make! We have beautiful musical memories among the treasures they've left in their legacy.

Thank you much for sharing with me. Let us be strong for them...for us...for others!

BLESSINGS TO YOU AND ALL ON THIS SITE!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Barbara,

I'm so glad you were guided to find the perfect picture for Ayanna's acknowledgement card. One day I was looking through some things of Trista's, reading some of her writings, and just feeling her beautiful presence. I had been questioning so many things and I had asked for a sign that she was safe with her Grandfather in Heaven. She was so close to him and their bond was immense. That day, I found, put away in a little book, two pictures that I hadn't seen in years. Both were of Trista sitting on Grandpa's lap. In one she was only about 2 years old and in the other she was older and it had been taken shortly before he passed. I know I was led to find those that day in answer to my question. The odd thing was, I had looked through that book before and not seen those photos. They were meant to found when I needed them. Your Ayanna sounds like such a beautiful Soul with a warm, kind, loving Spirit.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

To all who gave such kind words on the artwork for Trista's Memorial Stone. Thank you. This is such a hard and painful thing... To design a Memorial for your Child... Something no Parent should ever have to day. I know you all know. It is also one of those ways to Honor our Children. Thank you for supporting and helping me through.

Shannon

[mysonrich]

Susan and Indigo's, stopping in to say hello. Hello ! Something Susan wrote brought to mind the following;

It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live. There is but one reasonable explanation of it. The intellect is stunned by the shock and but gropingly gathers the meaning of the words. The power to realize their full import is mercifully lacking.

- Mark Twain's Autobiography (on Suzy Clemen's death)

The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost--not another man's--is the only standard to measure it by, and his grief for it makes it large and great and fine, and is worthy of our reverence in all cases.

- "My Boyhood Dreams

[Mermaid Tears]

I read that after Suzy's death...Mark Twain changed into a bitter...sarcastic...person....

now I understand...

[Mermaid Tears]

I read that Mary Todd Lincoln was a 'crazed' person....

She lost 3 sons...

Of course she was crazed....sounds normal to me...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I read that after Suzy's death...Mark Twain changed into a bitter...sarcastic...person....

now I understand...

More on Suzy Clemen's death...

Susy died in tragic circumstances in 1896. Her parents had gone abroad and while they were away, Susy, who had opted to stay in New York with her aunt, contracted meningitis and died in the family home in Hartford, Connecticut.

Twain was devastated by the news, which he received while abroad. Grief-stricken, he never returned to live in the Hartford house, which is now a museum.

******************************

Just reading this makes me think of choices...so if she had gone with her parent's she most likely would not have gotten meningitis...

...the simple choices in life with such consequences unknown...to go there or not to go...

To think all Jesse was doing that day was going to a simple doctor's appointment....

Also how Twain felt about the Hartford house, I feel that way about Jesse's place now...

Today is the anniversary when we buried Jesse...too many dates....

[Mermaid Tears]

All the 'coulda...woulda...shoulda....all the IF things....if I had made her stay home...if he would have left 5 minutes later....if I had turned left....if I had turned right...if I had answered the phone...if I had taken him to the Dr......if I had taken her to the Other Dr.....if I had been home...if I had been over there....if we had not quarreled.....if I had checked on him sooner....if they had not gone with their friends...if they had not gone on that trip....if I had kept him home from school...and the BIG one....IF I HAD KNOWN....all these questions come up and all we do is open 'the door and all the Boogie Men' come out.....I don't know about everyone else....but I do know 'I and We' loved our children ...even when they grow to be the fine adult 'children'...the parent's love and caring and feeling responsible doesn't really 'fade' with the years...and we feel that jab of guilt and remorse....(for after all....it is programmed into our DNA that we protect our child from ALL harm).....those instincts just don't go away....ever....).....and then...what we have always feared the most...happens.....I have always said...when I became a Mother.....I became Morbid....I would hear something on the news about a child in an accident....or...someone telling me how someone's child died...and I would always imagine the 'what if it happened to mine'...but....I could never wrap that thought into a reality....but...now I can...I do know this for my truth... if now...I let the guilt..remorse...regrets...take over... I will become sick and paralyzed..and it would be for a lie....for the 'I and We' here...we are simply in grief and heartbroken..heart sick...but we should never carry the banner of shame and blame...

I wrote this a long time ago....for parents will wallow in regret...

will wash themselves in the 'If Only'....it simply crushes the sweet heart of every person that loved them.....IF....it continues....we simply don't have that kind of control in this human experience....never have...never will.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....those 'dates'...are etched in our memories...

thanks for sharing so 'much of what you seek' with all of us....it is a long hard road...we travel to 'something'....only wishing we could back track....to and fro..back and forth....exhausting...

you are a special form of stardust...and so is your SONshine boy....

[wgreenlee]

Barbara,

It's kinda funny you mentioned that Yana and Brooks are making music together. We had a conversation a month ago about how all of our Angels are together and taking care of all us. How so alike they all are, and how they would have been such good friends in real life...no matter the age differences. I really believe that.

When you're ready to share more about Yana's life, etc. I will be here. I looked at Yana's gallery and, just like Brooks, she had a smile that could light up the darkest day. Thank you.

Shannon,

I am starting the process of creating Brooks' headstone monument. I am so lost. I've been looking online and got an email today from one of the artists/creators and will give him a call tomorrow. If we believe in heaven by faith, then why not believe by faith that our children have some connection to us still. "Faith can move mountains" right? Trista's memorial is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Continued prayers for you and your family.

To all my other Angel parents...prayers and comfort to you daily. We will all be ok!!!!!!!! God, grant us this prayer and hold us close, just as you hold our Angels in your loving arms. Amen.

Wade

Pic of Brooks recording some music.

[Mermaid Tears]

I just read this comment on FB....

"it doesn't get easier....we get stronger"...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Moved up to picture post... sorry!

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Dee and everyone for your Thanksgiving wishes. I have to be honest that it was a difficult weekend. We are both so grateful for the opportunity to have a break from chemo. I have to say that Jeff's absence was particularly felt this weekend. Thanks Dee, for your poem. How very true. For me at heart is the fact that some days I can read all kinds of support articles on grieving, listen to others talk etc. But it all goes in one ear and out the other. Simple fact is that he is gone and I just want him back. Just a few minutes alone with him again to give him a hug or just sit and talk. We are at an age our parents are all dead. We have one son that lives quite a distance away. Apart from that it is just the two of us. We did have a couple of invites for Thanksgiving dinner, but had to decline as my husband was not well enough to be away from the place for long. It drove home how lonely it can be to go through these occasions on your own. Emails, phone calls and Skype are just not enough. You can't put a picture of a grandchild on your lap and read it a story. Is this going to be the new normal for us? These types of losses catapult you into making a new life and new traditions. Problem is that I liked the old one. I just want my old life back. It's not going to happen. And so I can see how people can slip into a sense of bitterness, etc. I must make a real effort to talk myself into finding a new direction. Mary Todd Lincoln was not "crazed". She was desperate to find a way to release her pain and heartache. Most people will draw away from such loss. They do not know what to say or how to deal with it. They take the easy way out. Let somebody else deal with it. Trouble is that few will take on that responsibility. In the end we mostly walk this road alone and have to find the strength to fight our way past the pain.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I saw this online today. I read it not like a noun as in having a "Grief Attack" but like a verb. Grief ATTACKS! It attacks your Body, Mind, Spirit, Heart. I've not had a time yet that "things are going along and everything seems okay" but I have had days or hours that I'm able to focus my attention a little more, function a little more, think a little more clearly... And then... Grief Attacks. I think it was Susan (forgive me if I'm wrong) that shared her analogy with me when I first came here that Grief was like carrying a 100 pound backpack around all the time... So true. It's heavy and exhausting. Then there are the times that Grief jumps off your back and hits you full on in the face, the gut, squeezes your heart and will not let go. Grief really does Attack.

Shannon

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Missing U so much today.... Love U Infinity!

Two years ago today, we held Jared's service. Here is the link to that service. People thought we were so very strong, but what we were was in deep deep shock. It lasted for months. You do the things you have to do on a daily basis, but your mind and your heart cannot absorb the reality. When that shock wears away, that's when the real walk of grief normally begins; but our walk included an extra layer as we sought truth and justice for Jared. Truth is known, & where men fail, Justice is now in the hands of God. Remembering you today, Jared. We ♥ U and miss U so much!

Jared Daniel West's Webcast

webcasts.lifetributes.com

You can forward to 4:53 to see the boys that grew up with Jared, talking about their memories, and at 11:20 is a song by his sister, Jasmine, at 40:00 is my song, and at 59:33 is Jared's world view being read by the pastor.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wanda, thinking of you today as you went through the first holiday without your boy, Lane...let us know how you are doing....

Kate, I could not have said it any better...those are exactly my words as well...

Becky, what a remembrance photo of your son, Jared...

Shannon, so agree with the Grief Attacks...it is one reason I limit myself out in places with too many people...

Wade, thank you for sharing the photo of your son...it sounds like he was very gifted musically...think about the music he is experiencing now....Actually, I have read much on that...especially those near death will hear music from the heavens...

Susan, thank you for your uplifting comments to me...as usual, your words are healing to the heart...

Dee, your poem spoke well...the empty seat at the table...we will be skipping holidays for now...and we are all okay with that...

Barbara, your girl does seem so full of love and energy...she is a true gift...

Also, Betsy it is good to see your post and your son's handsome face, Rich...

"The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost--not another man's--is the only standard to measure it by" so true....

Thinking of all of the other moms and dad's who come to this site to be listened to and comforted....

************************************

Missing our children...

**************************************

Yesterday, in the evening I had to talk with the Crime Victim coordinator for our state...had to gather my documentation to send it to her...hard....and it appears that she agrees with me that there has been a grave mishandling of Jesse's case...we will see where this takes us next....

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, yes I do agree. In morning light my hurt seems temporary and manageable. But at night I hear the sounds of my own soul thrashing in pain and sorrow. At times I almost need to force myself to live outside of the events as they are too painful to accept. I have somehow learned to dig a hole in my own life story. I'm tired of being sad. And tired of not even minding being sad. I can't run and hide from this loss. Yes, I do carry it around like a heavy backpack. One day I hope that I will again feel the ability to laugh wholeheartedly. To let that pain wash over me and outside of me and dissolve into a place of its own. I was like a child at the beginning. I longed to curl up into a ball on my bed and pull the cover over my head. To escape to a place of safety. To allow someone to mother me by bringing me bowls of home made soup, etc. The very thought of managing my daily tasks was overwhelming. I had crawled into a primal place of pain and loss. I remember a few years ago being witness to the most basic but yet simple proof of a mothers love. We had purchased a cute log cabin birdhouse. It was nestled in amongst a group of spruce trees. One day I happened to see that a squirrel had taken up residence in that house. Pieces of white insulation were carefully stuffed into the hole that she had made bigger. She was busily making her home for her soon to be babies. Then a few weeks later I heard the most God awful commotion coming from that house. Something had raided her home and destroyed everything. The agonizing sound she made still sends chills down my spine. Even that poor little creature displayed the ability to feel the loss of her babies. This is the most difficult loss that any person can ever be able to carry. We are forced to dig within our deepest resources to continue. But continue we will. They would want that for us.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, yes I do agree. In morning light my hurt seems temporary and manageable. But at night I hear the sounds of my own soul thrashing in pain and sorrow. At times I almost need to force myself to live outside of the events as they are too painful to accept. I have somehow learned to dig a hole in my own life story. I'm tired of being sad. And tired of not even minding being sad. I can't run and hide from this loss. Yes, I do carry it around like a heavy backpack. One day I hope that I will again feel the ability to laugh wholeheartedly. To let that pain wash over me and outside of me and dissolve into a place of its own. I was like a child at the beginning. I longed to curl up into a ball on my bed and pull the cover over my head. To escape to a place of safety. To allow someone to mother me by bringing me bowls of home made soup, etc. The very thought of managing my daily tasks was overwhelming. I had crawled into a primal place of pain and loss. I remember a few years ago being witness to the most basic but yet simple proof of a mothers love. We had purchased a cute log cabin birdhouse. It was nestled in amongst a group of spruce trees. One day I happened to see that a squirrel had taken up residence in that house. Pieces of white insulation were carefully stuffed into the hole that she had made bigger. She was busily making her home for her soon to be babies. Then a few weeks later I heard the most God awful commotion coming from that house. Something had raided her home and destroyed everything. The agonizing sound she made still sends chills down my spine. Even that poor little creature displayed the ability to feel the loss of her babies. This is the most difficult loss that any person can ever be able to carry. We are forced to dig within our deepest resources to continue. But continue we will. They would want that for us.

Yes, the primal scream of a mother losing her child...been through that one many times at the cemetary....I am haunted at night by images of his last moments...that he most likely was reaching out to me, even in spirit...it would have been that way...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie posted:

Yes, the primal scream of a mother losing her child...been through that one many times at the cemetary....I am haunted at night by images of his last moments...that he most likely was reaching out to me, even in spirit...it would have been that way...

Kate posted:

Shannon, yes I do agree. In morning light my hurt seems temporary and manageable. But at night I hear the sounds of my own soul thrashing in pain and sorrow.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Night time is the worst. During the day, there is always the missing and the pain but I'm able to busy my mind with the daily things, even if I'm doing it all on autopilot. I'm able to focus on the Boys and their needs but then... At night... Sometimes almost asleep... it hits. My whole body stiffens, my hands clench, my teeth clench, and I have to stifle that primal scream so I don't terrify my Boys.