Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, thank you for your thoughts about Jesse...he loved the outdoors and wanted to go back to agriculture field right before the accident...he too had traveled the Northern Minnesota coast and said it was beautiful there...how is everything with you?

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Barbara, such a beautiful daughter Ayanna..I am sorry for you loss...but this is a wonderful group of people here who understand the pain of losing a child...

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From Becky: "Good to see Betty, Carol, and Betsy here today! I love seeing the familiar faces of Stephen, Mike, and Rich!! We miss you, and think about you!!"

I agree, it was nice to see their posts and the pictures of their angels...missed Sherry and Gretchen though...hope your computer problems get solved..

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Lora, I have read those very scripture references you mentioned in Job...I went through and read only what Job said and found he did not hide his pain...I think too often many skip to the end verses of this book and do not see God was allowing Job to process his raw grief freely..my take on the closing chapters on Job...to show that there is so much we do not understand...the mysteries and splendour of the universe...if He takes care of all these, so can He take care of our loved ones no matter where they are...

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Susan, thanks for sharing the poem...

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Again, I thank all of you for sharing the first angelversary with me, it truly made a difference...some of the pictures I posted on my Facebook account that were made here...

Dee, thanks for being here for us all..

[hopeful40]

I wish to reach out and thank all who have welcomed me to this grieving site...and the offerings of comfort through kind words,

which DO help in my healing process. While I know the loss of my child, will leave me with an entirely NEW type of life I must live--

(I also know her departure from earth to heaven), will present me with ways to commorate her being while on earth. Yana left a legacy of which I must share with many. (I ask God to give me direction in which to work with each one of these projects.) I relish being involved in each, as I consider this to be a form of therapy for me.

Ayanna. I miss and love you dearly. Not only were you a "Mini Me," you were a warm and kind phenomenal lady. I shall hold you close and dear to my heart. I shall and will continue with your work...with the good Lord's help and direction. Of this, is my promise to you. "I love you with ALL my heart and ALL my might!" (Her grandmother used to say this to her, as she squeezed and hugged her until my mother's homegoing years ago.)

Love, your "Pumpkin," my little "Snow Cone."

*Names we called one another.

Barbara

[Mermaid Tears]

Yesterday was the angelversary of my Grama...Essie.....and the birthdate of our beloved twins...Hunter Bear and Taylor Houston....

Randa was due October 15th....I could not be there because my husband was in England...and Jeremy was 13...they were in Texas...I was in Slidell....so John David flew in to be with his sister and family....he was also with them when they had their first born son.....well....she went into labor on October 10th.....so he went straight to the hospital when he landed....the first photo are him and George at the hospital......Randa had Taylor first....then Hunter went into distress...and they had to perform an emergency C-Section....he was put in the pediatric ICU.....later, Mom and Taylor got to go home...but Hunter Bear had to stay in the hospital for many days....

John David holding Taylor.....John David with Hunter Bear.....John David stayed at the hospital to be near him...

Yesterday was a very emotional day for my daughter...her remembering how he was with her and so close to every part of her life....and the twins turning 'Sweet 16'.....the twins at their party...Hunter in pink shirt and Tay in the middle.....I guess there is a memory in every day...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

MissingB,

Read all you can. The words of others do help. Share as your able. You're in my thoughts with all these hard dates coming. I understand what you mean about that first Christmas. I have had one Birthday without Trista but her day came just 20 days after she left so I don't remember much except the fog and pain. Those first months are like one long nightmare. We are all here and understand this pain.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Barbara,

Your Ayanna is beautiful. You have found a good place to share. Everyone here knows the pain of loosing a child. I'm so sorry for your loss but glad you have found this place. This is such a hard journey but here you will find others who understand and will reach out a hand.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

Definitely a day full of memories and emotion for you and your family. Thank you for sharing the pictures. You truly do have a beautiful family. I agree, there are memories in everyday. I love that poem. It's beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

Becky,

I have "my numbers" too. For years, 1111 and 1221. When I moved here my phone number I was given was even 1221. Tris was born on the 21. Otherwise, I've not made any other significant connection. They are just always there. I remember once going to a bookstore and the clerk asked for my phone number for my check. I told him and he said, "You have a magical phone number". We talked about that for a minute. I told him about 1111. He said that is a magical number too and that when people see number patterns show up consistently in their lives they are "Angel Numbers" and a way that our Spirit Guides and Angels communicate. I never thought too much about it at the time. I just knew it gave me a sense of "something more" when it happened. Now, as you can imagine, I love that mans explanation.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Happy Birthday to the twins Susan, those lovely babies who are growing fast and with great love. And of course that angelversary that makes you hold your Essie close and secure, that woman who gave so much of herself to you. So much wisdom.

Barbara, your Girl is a beautiful power in your life, she rides along with you, urging you forward in her energy.

Missing B, I am not up to date on those newer here these last few weeks as I have been much busier than I like so just suffice it to know that you have stumbled into the right place for your broken hearts. The whole thought that you were doing better before makes all the sense in this new world as the shock of loss is wearing away leaving you raw without the protective cover. Shock never made it seem soft---but somehow it made things cloudy, and now the clouds are wiped away and this terrible loss is crystal clear. The anniversary looming also is beginning to hover around all of your thoughts. If you are able to read a bit about loss, the original writings from Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Stages of Grief, On Death and Dying are unmistakenly the most comprehensive. We keep volleying through the stages, not always in order, and not always just once, often having to revisit them during different benchmarks in our lives.

I lost my Girl Erica Eileen over 10 years ago. She was 19. She was my dearheart and I miss her all the time but I am here to let those new to this know that I live happily and fully in her absence because I learned how. Learning how is hard, but it is what all of our Kids want. It takes time, everyone's time is different, but we share many likenesses too. No time table, the best advice I can write is to allow the grief to be, trying to put it off is not going to really put it off, it needs to be gone through no matter. Try to get out in the air each day, many of us feeling the presence of our Angels strongest outdoors. Erica is present in our lives, we keep her name alive each day, we found we had to let go of some of our friendships due to their not being able to cope with our speaking about our Children, but in that we have found those who we can be free to live in the light of our Child who left so early.

Peace to you and all of our Members-

[hopeful40]

Happy Birthday to the twins Susan, those lovely babies who are growing fast and with great love. And of course that angelversary that makes you hold your Essie close and secure, that woman who gave so much of herself to you. So much wisdom.

Barbara, your Girl is a beautiful power in your life, she rides along with you, urging you forward in her energy.

Missing B, I am not up to date on those newer here these last few weeks as I have been much busier than I like so just suffice it to know that you have stumbled into the right place for your broken hearts. The whole thought that you were doing better before makes all the sense in this new world as the shock of loss is wearing away leaving you raw without the protective cover. Shock never made it seem soft---but somehow it made things cloudy, and now the clouds are wiped away and this terrible loss is crystal clear. The anniversary looming also is beginning to hover around all of your thoughts. If you are able to read a bit about loss, the original writings from Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Stages of Grief, On Death and Dying are unmistakenly the most comprehensive. We keep volleying through the stages, not always in order, and not always just once, often having to revisit them during different benchmarks in our lives.

I lost my Girl Erica Eileen over 10 years ago. She was 19. She was my dearheart and I miss her all the time but I am here to let those new to this know that I live happily and fully in her absence because I learned how. Learning how is hard, but it is what all of our Kids want. It takes time, everyone's time is different, but we share many likenesses too. No time table, the best advice I can write is to allow the grief to be, trying to put it off is not going to really put it off, it needs to be gone through no matter. Try to get out in the air each day, many of us feeling the presence of our Angels strongest outdoors. Erica is present in our lives, we keep her name alive each day, we found we had to let go of some of our friendships due to their not being able to cope with our speaking about our Children, but in that we have found those who we can be free to live in the light of our Child who left so early.

Peace to you and all of our Members-

Erica's Mom (Dee),

Thank you for your warm and comforting words. Although I've been with this site but a few days...I feel so welcomed and have a sense of belonging. It's good knowing

you have "family members," who do understand what and how your loss affects you in the most indescribable ways. My heart goes out to you and your loss. The memories will sustain us.

Blessings to you,

Barbara

[hopeful40]

Barbara,

Your Ayanna is beautiful. You have found a good place to share. Everyone here knows the pain of loosing a child. I'm so sorry for your loss but glad you have found this place. This is such a hard journey but here you will find others who understand and will reach out a hand.

Shannon

Thank you, Trista's Mom...SHANNON

It's a LONG HARD road to travel...but with God's help I know I will make it. As long as I keep Yana on my shoulder, and my Almighty in my life, it's going to be all right.

Right now, I am dealing with the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. It just not natural, but it exists. My heart aches so much for my darling child. She was my "Mini Me."

"My every need (and yours) shall be met."

Blessings to you,

Barbara

[Lainesmom]

I lost my daughter on Sept 8 and found this site hoping to find others going through the same thing. Looks like I have. My daughter was 41 and left her husband and 2 children ages 11 and 6. She fell down the stairs.at her home and broke her neck. Laine was a remarkable woman who overcame much difficulty in her life aa she suffered with Tourette's Syndrome, but accomplished more than most people her age. Please share how you cope with your losses. Every piece of my broken heart goes out to you all.

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Welcome, Sharon, Laine's mom, we are glad you found your way here, but so sorry for the reason.

Tell us more about your daughter, Laine, when you can, as we are here to listen and to help you, in whatever way we can.

We know, having lost children of various ages, and in different circumstances, but we all know the devastation of that loss.

I lost my 15 year old son, Jared Daniel (J.D.) two years ago, hit from behind while skateboarding by (IMO) an inattentive driver.

I know the shock of the sudden unexpected loss of a child, as many here do, and will be praying for you and your daughter's family.

[Mermaid Tears]

Geez.....as many on this site knows...my husband had open heart quadruple by pass surgery...so I watch him close....for men grieve in a different way....Monday night...we were on the patio...a Pink Floyd song came on Pandora...he burst into tears....he said the song reminded him of John David...

then....I have a new tenant...he was moving in on the 19th...he called and said he had to move in on the 12th.....so...I really had to get things moving with the make ready....

then the morning of the 10th...Randa called early in the morning...wanting to come after she took the kids to school....having a hugical meltdown....over John David....the twins turning 16....Austin the first born going to college....

a river of tears....a river.....

grief can be layered...I have found....and it is a journey....and can come from so many different directions....

and sometimes all one can do is hang on with both hands ....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Becky,

I have "my numbers" too. For years, 1111 and 1221. When I moved here my phone number I was given was even 1221. Tris was born on the 21. Otherwise, I've not made any other significant connection. They are just always there. I remember once going to a bookstore and the clerk asked for my phone number for my check. I told him and he said, "You have a magical phone number". We talked about that for a minute. I told him about 1111. He said that is a magical number too and that when people see number patterns show up consistently in their lives they are "Angel Numbers" and a way that our Spirit Guides and Angels communicate. I never thought too much about it at the time. I just knew it gave me a sense of "something more" when it happened. Now, as you can imagine, I love that mans explanation.

Shannon

Thanks for sharing that! I hadn't ever heard that, but I am going to take it as a direct sign from my angel, communicating in that way to let us know he sees us and that he is ok. It doesn't surprise me at all that the numbers would include not only his own birthdate, but also that of his sister, as they were so close!

For quite a while after the crash, I would seem to look at the clock everytime it would turn 7:11, not sure what that was, and I wondered if that could have been the actual time of the crash itself, as it was unclear, and because the driver told so many different versions and stories, no way to know for sure.

Susan, I meant to tell you how much I enjoyed the family pictures you posted! A beautiful family! So many precious memories for all of them with John David!

[hopeful40]

Barbara,

My thoughts and prayers will be with you every day. Your daughter is beautiful and I pray that good memories will console you and make this journey easier. I know that the loving people on this site have helped me this past month with the loss of my son. They are all so caring and willing to send kind words or nuggets of wisdom on how to deal with such difficult circumstances. And this, besides the fact, that each one also has an Angel in heaven. You have come to the right place and I hope you continue with us as we navigate our "new normal." I know nothing will ever be the same, but I have found some solace knowing I can vent and get comfort on here with these amazing "parents".

Here is a picture of my son with Dalyla, the daughter of his girlfriend. Love ya Brooks. Be solid! Dad

Wade

Thank you so much, Wade. Your welcoming me to the site, it does help me in my healing process. I do know I NEED to be surrounded by and with those, who

are experiencing what I am. The pain I carry is so heavy...as Yana's loss was truly sudden. At times, I sit, stare at her possessions, her photos, etc., I am in

disbelief that she is no longer with me in body. We had a closeness that could NOT be explained. And, she was my only child.

I do know I'll heal (with prayers and God's assistance), but it certainly will be a difficult journey. I know also, if I think more about the memories...and there

were many good ones--will help in my new normal.

My heart goes out to you and your loss as well. May the Lord continue to bless all of us and make us stronger individuals.

Barbara

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sharon, Laine's mom, I am truly sorry for the loss of your daughter so suddenly...however, this is a good place to be able to reach out to others that understand your pain...

My son, Jesse, was killed on his motorcycle last year...he is my second child loss as I loss an infant in 1987...also a boy..

Reading what others have posted will help you to understand this foreign world we find ourselves in...

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About numbers... Jesse was killed on 10/10, the report says the accident was 10:10 am, I really hate those numbers...

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Susan, it was so good to see more of your John David, he seemed like he was the "glue" of the family, and a great brother to his siblings...

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Kate, wondering how things are with your husband...we continue to hold you and him in our prayers...

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Now, I had another mom that I ran into the day before Jesse's angelversary....Her name is Lori...

In spring of 2012, we both worked together at a store, even the same department...well her son, age 23, died suddenly of a heart attack, she was there minutes after it occurred...this was in late March 2012...

However, when I went work at the store, people were coming up to me offering their condolences...it felt chilling...but like something more, and very upsetting...I even asked the managers to clarify to the people it was not me...but to use an expression, there was a 'thin ribbon of fear'...then the first week of April my cousin's son dies, his name is also Jesse, both my Jesse and I attend his funeral, ...it was shortly after this my Jesse told me for the first time directly he did not think he was going to live long...I remember exactly where we were and his startled expression when this occurred..

The other Lori, I asked her about a "knowing", she told me that 2 days before her son died she had something too, as her son handed over his baby to her, she was suddenly struck by fear...she thought at first the baby was in danger and would die...but it was her son...

She also mentioned how she had recurring dreams about this son dying and always felt he would from childhood...

So, I am not sure what this all means, I know neither her or I went looking for any of these types of supernatural occurrences, who would want to...these were just some of the touches from the afterlife I experienced...there were so many of these strange, disturbing happenings...

It did not fit into any of the spiritual boxes I had at the time, I had never knew these types of experiences could occur...it was only after I started reading Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and also Carol Kearns, who was mentored by her, that I found out that these can occur...and also reading hospice materials gave me a different understanding of how the transition from this life and the afterlife can look like...

I know I am rambling...it is just what is on my mind tonight...

[wgreenlee]

Barbara,

We will all help you share this burden. I have been helped immensely by everyone on this board. I am starting to understand how only those who lose a child can help others in their grief journey. Brooks was also our only child, as well. And of course his death was sudden too. I had just talked and texted with him 1/2 an hour before his death. But I am healing. albeit slowly. And like others on here have said many times, this journey isn't a race. Today after visiting Brooks I felt better so that's a start. I too cannot look at all his stuff yet, but by sharing on this site I have been able to upload pictures and music from Brooks and that alone has helped me get through some very tough days. It's almost like we're all sitting together around a table, holding each others' hands, listening and sharing our stories, and sharing our sorrow so nobody has to do it all alone. I hope you will continue to share Yana's story, because I would love to know more about your beautiful daughter.

Becky,

I know I put the #8 on his casket when we made it just so it would have extra meaning. I also look at the clock when it his 9:57 pm and wonder about the last minutes of Brooks' life. I pray every day that he didn't know what was coming. That might be the hardest thing for me. I know the detectives said he probably didn't know, but I wish God would reassure me. I pray for others on here to know that as well.

Susan,

My prayers are with you and your husband. It does seem that I am grieving differently than my wife. Or Shauna too. I have a very hard time sharing in person, so this site and everyone on here has been a Godsend. I also find myself just breaking down, and then I look around to make sure nobody saw me. Silly! And like you said, grief is layered. When I'm at school and busy, I think about Brooks, but it doesn't hurt as much. Then, at his grave today, I felt uplifted and very much at peace. Now at home, my heart is racing and I feel this enormous need to share with all of you, cuz I feel myself losing it a little and need your support. And that support keeps me going for another day...

Becky,

Thank you for that link. We are going to do some more work on the car this weekend. I know you and your husband did an amazing job and that, just like the casket for Brooks, it was a labor of love that you will never forget. Thanks for the comment about the "note." Brooks really was a gentle soul. He has so many poems and songs he wrote that we've recently found. I know that's what his friends remember most about him. And for Jared...you're the MAN, Jared, in your hot car. I had an old Rambler from my grandpa so I should know...

Laine's Mom,

I share your sorrow and am praying for you and your family. We share very close dates to our lost Angels, so I will be thinking of you often and also hope you will share Laine's story with us. We are all here for you!

Dee,

Thank you for your words of comfort. I know I will never be quite whole again, but I want to learn how to live my life in honor of my son and everything he meant in my life. You have given me hope. Thank you. Erica reminds me of my sister with her dreads and care free spirit. I used to touch her hair when I was little because it was so different, and my sister never did mind the pestering of her "little brother." At least that's my memory of it...

Shannon,

Thinking of you as Halloween approaches, because I too am a little nervous about it. Brooks loved dressing up. He and my wife went bowling once as Drew Carey and Mimi. In many ways, he was still my little boy on those days even as he was growing into the man I had always hoped for. Not sure what I will do. I want to do something at his grave so that his friends have a remembrance of him on a favorite holiday. Kinda want to just stay home and lock the door, but Brooks would be disappointed in me.

Laurie,

Doing ok but like you know...one hour...one day at a time. Don't really like the weekends as that's when Brooks and I would generally get together and do something. Not holding a lot of meaning any more. And I'm not busy like at work, so lots of emotions just bubble up. But it is getting better especially with all the support on here. Thank you and Lora for the reminder of Job. I use that at school sometimes when talking to my students. Gotta have the patience of Job...even more so now. I actually grew up right on the border of MN and Canada...and Jesse David was right. It is beautiful up there, especially this time of year. What I would give right now to be up in the woods with all it's peacefulness. Have to tell you I love Jesse David's picture of the suspenders. Renea's brother wears them all the time...not like Jesse though...her brother actually needs them.

Another evening almost gone without you son. BE SOLID! Looking out for Shauna and the kids. They miss you. Adrianna is doing better at school. You did a good job with her. Dalyla is still the sweetest and I know how much you loved her. Someone bought Shauna a treadmill so the kids are having a ball with it, and Shauna is determined to lose some weight. I know you didn't care about that. One of the things I was always proud of you about. You always looked at the inside beauty. Mikey got on the skateboard for the first time yesterday. Made a YouTube video. He was so proud of you. He wrote in the Celebration notebook how you were the first man to truly treat Shauna right and how much that meant to him. We all miss you so much, but you're safe and warm and loved beyond imagining. Night, buddy...Dad

[lovU2themoon]

So many new people at this site, my heart breaks for you all as we travel this journey.

Missing my Lane very very much tonight, we had a "prior to accident normal night", but not really as Lane was missing, it was very very sad,

We had not had an "old normal" night since he died, we were either, busy or avoiding anything from our past normal.

But tonight, Lloyd (friend) came and made supper, smoked pork chops and rice, and it was usually the 3 of us when we had a "normal past" as my daughter was living in another city.

and tonight she was out, and it should have been 3 of us enjoying the meal, but Lane is gone, and i am unable to eat, it was crazy sad, and crazy reality that i no longer have the carefree, normal supper conversation, no longer the love of rice and smoked porkchops, or the love of cooking dinner even.

we would have these "tug-a-wars" over the bottle of soy sauce, and bbq sauce for the pork chops, and veggies or not...such simple things that i miss, inducing rice pork chops, soy sauce, and my lane discussing the worlds problems over such a meal....my heart is so broken...

I know seems trivial that smoked pork chops and rice sent me crying most of the night,

I love you to the moon and back my laney

[wgreenlee]

Wanda,

I'm right there with you. Everything normal is so upside down... I feel your pain just as I feel mine. Nothing is trivial when it comes to your son. I see that more and more in my own journey. The smallest things can get me smiling or break me down. Part of the journey, I guess. Hoping for better times as we all navigate through these times. We will find peace....please God help us find peace!

Wade

[wgreenlee]

Tried to watch Brooks' Celebration video tonight. Didn't really remember it from the Celebration so I thought I'd give it a try. After visiting Brooks today I thought I had gained some strength because I felt so much at peace being near him. Thought I had turned a "little corner" but I guess I hadn't. Please watch it with me on here.

Wade

[wgreenlee]

Tomorrow I'm running the clock at a girl's basketball tourney at my school. Last time I saw Brooks we were doing a couple games together. Talking about anything and everything... He was working on the drawing of Shauna's name. He finished it while bowling with Renea on Sunday and gave it Shauna on Monday...

Didn't really think it was going to be hard, but now I don't know. At least I'm doing it with my good friend, Rod, who helped build Brooks' casket.

Pray for me please.

Wade

[Guest]

.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Wade, I watched the video this morning! What a beautiful tribute to your son! It is easy to see his relationship to his girlfriend and her kids, and I know they must be devastated by his loss too, and so glad you are there to try to help them pick up the pieces.

I can really relate to doing things that once involved your child. I finally have pulled away and stay in the background of volunteering in the football program that we were a part of for almost 10 years. I still manage their website, where my diary is published, but I do things now that I can do from home, which is the only place I really feel comfortable.

Lora, I am not too far south from you, and it has rained here for over a week, everyday, all day. It doesn't help. I am not looking forward to winter either. I worry mostly about my parents, and being able to get them out to appointments, etc., when the weather gets bad.

[lovU2themoon]

"Wanda, these little things are crushing. Have you went back to volunteering? I know this would be hard but by getting out of the house will help you. I know when I went back to work I had anxiety but just stopped in first for a visit and then went back. I know you said Lane loved to volunteer, maybe at some point you will be able to dedicate a day to him. You are very early into this journey, be very easy on yourself."

Lora, we volunteered for the Canadian Cancer Society for the Relay for Life, it starts closer to June, not sure i can go back to that, Lane put his heart and soul into our Relay team, he even designed our tshirts last year, and he stayed up all night helping in the activities tent, not sure i can do it without him.

I have a full time job and i am on leave, I work at a Cancer Clinic, i am a clinic assistant, i need to be clear headed as i coordinate test to be done for cancer patients, that coincide with their treatment, so i am unable to do my duties right now. Just don't have a clear head, and i am not sure i can act appropriately when dealing with terminally ill patients, or newly diagnosed who are upset. I am afraid i wont be able to put my own grief and heartbreak aside and keep control of my own emotions.

My daughter and i make a deal to get out of the house every day, we either drive to the city, 15 mins away, she has school 2 days a week, i drive in with her and will either go in the library or the bereavement organization is in the same building as her school, so i can do in there an sit and read.

We see a counselor on Tuesdays, i see my doctor on Wed, and we have griefshare on Wed nites. We start group grief on Thursdays, actually it seems we are always going someplace.

My 2 sisters, my mom and daughter are taking a bus trip to North Dakota next weekend. we leave on Friday, so that will give us a chance to get away as well.

I am trying no to "wallow" in my grief and trying to get up get dressed everyday, that being said, i could stay in bed everyday

My Lane was such a big part of my everyday, i just am so heartbroken...

Wade, your so right everything normal isn't, Lane was part of my everyday for 17 years, we were very close as a son and mom could be especially the last 2 years when my daughter didn't come home as often, and before that the 3 of us were such a team, and with Lane always needed extra encouragement, my daughter and i were a force behind everything he did. The 3 of us were very tight knit family, The emptiness we feel is enormous.

and yes Wade.......please God help us find peace!

​Becky, i am sorry your case has ended, so heartbreaking for you all over again, your in my thoughts.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

The smallest things can get me smiling or break me down. Part of the journey, I guess.

Yes, these small things can set off a "grief storm"...I remember very early on I was at the gas station and I saw a silver VW Jetta...

Seeing that car set in motion a major "flashback"...

We had bought one of these cars in early 2012 to fix up...well there were some electronic issues so Jesse and I went to the dealership in a neighboring city to get it analyzed...it is just that this trip was very vivid since it was a beautiful spring morning and we stayed longer at the dealership....it was just a simple day of being with each other...

This day was reviewed in my mind frame by frame when I saw that car...

These intense grief attacks have improved but I never quite know when something is going to set off something like this...for that reason I stay in the home a lot...otherwise I tend to overload...

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Becky, so sorry for such a crappy response...I sent my reconstruction report to the DA, Sheriff, and to the State Trooper that did his own very poor report...I haven't heard anything since from the DA and Sheriff...I sent it to the state trooper mainly so he could see how a properly done reconstruction report looks like, the reconstructionist I hired actually instructs troopers in accident reconstruction...

But seeing how everyone else's case went, I don't expect much...

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Lora, do you mind sharing the name of the book for Job? I would be interested...

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Kate, Sherry and Gretchen thinking of you all today...

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May post more later...

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade...I have not watched the video...but I can't seem to work up the stamina to watch the other's videos they have posted....maybe I feel so close to their angels...and to the broken hearts that created them....but I know I will reach a level someday when it will be possible for me...

Laurie...what kind of day are you having...??

Wanda...remember....healing comes from the inside out...I think that is why we 'cocoon'...in the early months...hard to start the healing process when one is on the world stage....

You are smart to 'take that step back' for now....

Gee Wade...forgot to mention this....but I see where your SONshine boy got all that 'good heart'...there you gave his truck to his girl friend's son....what a gift...keep us posted on your journey....

Becky...you may see this all as the 'end of the road'.....but I see that you have put a light on a lot of things...that need to be addressed....and your voice was heard....I think you have planted a lot of seeds for thought and reflection...you left no stone unturned....

Breaks my heart to see 'the new ones'....but please know....we will circle the wagons for you...and try to ease your hurt...simply by letting you know we walk in your shoes, too....

Lora....I live in South Texas....we don't have snow....very mild winters....but I do hate to see winter come...the sunshine that lasts a long time still gives me a little lift....

Dee....hoping you have a restful week-end....

Shannon....hope you and your SONshine boys are staying busy...and that your heart finds some peace...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, today had its ups and downs, kinda a rollercoaster...took out some time for a "grief session" this morning.... found I need to set time aside for this...still a piece of me is in denial I think...

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Dee, hope your weekend is good...

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Wanda, I would think it would be hard to stay in that occupation after this type of loss...or at least to take a major break from it...I used to work for a major medical clinic in our area...not in patient care but I know it is difficult being on the front lines of things....

I can read in your posts how difficult it is for you and how much you miss your son, Lane...

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Barbara, thinking of you today...noticed you mentioned that your daughter is also your only child...very hard...

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Shannon, how are you doing? I know today is a Saturday...

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Missing B...keep reading and share what you can about your son...I know some people are more into reading the posts and that is okay....

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[wgreenlee]

Susan,

I certainly understand about the video. Just you thinking about it helps me. We didn't need the truck and I didn't really want to sell it someone who didn't know Brooks. And I know he will treasure it. Has a brand new cool stereo and stuff so he can rock. Hopefully he'll continue to remember the man who made his mom so happy.

Went and visited Brooks today for a couple of hours with Renea and Chad, his best friend. Was ok this morning...thank you everyone for praying for me! Again, so peaceful at his site. We just chatted and listened to music. Found out they did make a plaque but had misspelled his last name. The plaque was there for the burial and I hadn't even noticed. Sorry Brooks. We'll get your name out there. Thinking of making a metal treble clef to place in the ground.

Laurie,

I think my tears now are just "sad" tears and not so much "grief" tears, if that makes any sense. I seem to have come to an acceptance this last week that I will never again see him until we meet in Eternity. Hopefully that will help me in my journey, although I'm not sure I want to think that way. And I certainly understand about "overload." I think I'm doing the opposite though. Trying to cram my days with work and helping and other stuff to numb the pain.

Wanda,

I love that picture of you and your daughter kissing Lane. Wonder what he was thinking? Did you guys plan that? Will have to get used to the new "normal" but I do see beauty around me and hope it rubs off. Praying for that for all of us.

Becky,

Thank you for watching the video. Still didn't get through it all, but am going to tonight. Just feel like Brooks would want me too. I, too, am sorry that others feel the investigation is over. I know from your posts how fervently you have been leading it. I pray that God will answer our prayers and give you the TRUTH.

Lara,

When I write to Brooks I feel for just that moment that he is truly still here with me. It fills me with sorrow, but after I feel like I broke through a certain barrier and the pain is a little less. I guess it's habit too. We spoke every day. I always told him I would never let there be any separation between us no matter old he was. He'll have to continue to put up with me. Usually I would initiate the conversation. The most special times were when he would call or text me first and just ask how my day was going or how I was doing. Even though he was 24 he still knew he was my "boy." Nevada is nice and warm. We get a little snow in Carson, but usually it's nice and sunny. Colder now, but today is probably in the 60s.

Praying continually for everyone. Hoping your weekend is filled with some fun and more importantly, some peace. Looking up at our Angels and knowing they are filling us with their love.

Wade

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

just stopping in to send my love in hopes for a peace filled weekend. I know that that is not possible for many at this point in your grief, so for you I hope you will have a dream visit or a message of some kind from your Sweetheart Child.

Sherry emailed me and asked that I tell you that her computer is out of whack, she cannot get back on the grief site, she is trying. Prayers too for her Daughter who last week went through some serious surgery. SHe is on the mend now, but will need time and the more prayers the better.

Wade, I will look at the video tonight, thanks for sharing.

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, just watched the video. Thanks for sharing. I have to say that Brooks comes across as a really friendly and caring guy. He is obviously very much devoted to his family and group of friends. I know it is hard to visit his place of rest...but just know that we are walking alongside you through this really hard time. Sherry, sorry that you are having a difficult time with your computer. Lora and Laurie and Leah...thanks for your support. You know the place I am at. Carol, holding you close as your walk through these difficult days of remembrance that hit so close to home. So many highs, so many lows. This road is so difficult to walk. Family loyalties and friendships tested to the core. Feelings of abandonment during our deepest need for support. We all walk this walk at some time with the loss of parent, child, spouse, friend, and so on. We read books, listen to friendly advice. However, in the end we just have to follow our hearts and what it is telling us to do. At some point we need to push ourselves to move forward and take that huge step and accept that we will survive and continue despite our loss. We will honour their memories by living and continuing to remember them with love and gratefulness for having been given the blessing of being their parent. Love to all. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

of course Sherry...will be holding you and yours close....

Just had something to bring me....I am so....shattered....there is a piece of me here...and there...I am up...I am down....I am everywhere....am spread so thin....so...out of there...but within....my boy...your child...your daughter....that is why I am not whole...I am not the person...I used to be...but I am what I am going to be....when the day is over...when the moon rises above...when the day starts again....I will be holding on....my sweet child....I will see it to the end....am not afraid...no...just a wondering....where will I end up....??

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

of course Sherry...will be holding you and yours close....

Just had something to bring me....I am so....shattered....there is a piece of me here...and there...

Susan, "I am so shattered"...yes so much where I am too..."piece of me here ...and there..."

I know emotionally I am still searching for him...waiting for him...to stroll through my back door...yet all I have is the gentle whisper of his spirit... I say, "This was not meant to be, how can this be?" Yet it is...and I deny it again in my heart...

*****************************************************

Yes, Sherry sending a prayer heavenwards for your sweet daughter...we love you!

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Kate, about friends that leave us...I can't even type it...just to say a very long time friend hardly acknowledged Jesse angelversary...that is all I can say...all I can say...

But again thank you all here for sharing his day with me...it meant so much to me...

*******************************************************

Carol, Thinking of you and sending prayers during this hard time...

*******************************************************

Wade, the photo of your son holding the kitty stood out in my mind...Jesse very much loved his cat too, I can still hear him calling her name...

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[Jeff's Mom]

This loss teaches us that we will be forever changed. That we will never again be that person that existed before that moment. But what will happen is that we will walk slowly through this process. We will find our way again slowly scratching and crawling into the light. We will find ourselves criticized, shunned and advised. Not always in a welcome way. That eventually we will begin to feel strength again. That we will recognize that our child will never have their memory erased. Not ever. That we will slowly move forward and take them along with us on our journey. That all that they have taught us will be recognized more clearly after the initial grief has lifted. That every breath we take has them in it. That after a determined period of time we will again be reunited. And then we will again hold them in our embrace. I would not wish this walk on anyone. I do know that in losing my son that I have been made more aware of the importance of life. That I was caught up in a life of taking things for granted. It has forced me into truly looking inwardly. That is not an easy thing to do. Jeff's death has put my life into perspective. He taught me that life is but a flash of a moment. I learned that when my husband had a close call with chemo a few weeks ago. Here today and gone tomorrow. Make the most of every moment. Live life and embrace it to the fullest. Be as positive a you can and find forgiveness in your hearts. Finding peace is what it is truly all about. Oh my, the gift of life is so special. Enjoy it while you can. Love to all, Kate

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Lora, I love the Momly, those little nuances of our Kids and Our relationships, priceless.

Wanda, I went back to work when school began again, Eri died in July of 2003, I started back in late August, about 4 or so weeks later. I was unsure of going back, but there was only one way to find out if I could. I went back and the Kids were my daily source of energy and laughter and purpose. Eri knew how I loved teaching, and I teach at the school that she and my Son, Jon attended in their elementary years, so it felt good to be there. It was hard, I had cry breaks for sure. The social worker came to my room once a week all year for a 40 minute time to give me an extra break each week. She was so kind. She was who Eri went to see when she had issues. I started a fund in Erica'

s name to help kids at our school whose families needed financial assistance with field trips, tutors, scouts, sports, and even clothing. We received money when Eri died, and were unsure how to best use it, so we started the fund. Each year my family and the friends of Eri and JOn come together in our yard for an event called; ERI-fest and we have an all day gathering. We put out a pink wrapped box for donations. The PTO of the school has been donating every year for several years now too, knowing tht it is an asset to our school. Most of my family donates at Holiday time and ERi's birthday as well. This year I have written many checks already as the economy takes so many down, so I get to sign checks with Erica's sweet name on them all the year through.

She shines on in what we do.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I haven’t been able to post much for a couple of days. The artwork for Trista's stone is finished. The artist did an amazing job. I asked him to do something personal. We talked about a “fairy ballerina” image because Tris loves fairies and loves ballet. He didn’t know Tris personally but did know many of her friends including, Abby so he asked if it would be okay to include Abby in the image based on a photo I have of the two of them. I felt that may be a very healing thing for Abigail as well and she was absolutely honored and in love with the idea. I will post the image. Of course, it will look much better once it is laser etched onto her stone. I just know Tris would love this. It has a magical, whimsical feel to it and Tris loves that type of art. I also had my first appointment to start to design Trista’s stone. I held up until the very end. It was so hard. The man I met with showed me lots of pictures of stones designed for “young people” to give me an idea of what they can do. There were so many. It broke my heart even more for all the families. I didn’t just see monuments, I saw Children and families who are suffering the same pain as we all are.

Friday was Zak’s first homecoming. Again, a bittersweet day, missing my Girl. Zak looked so handsome. I was very proud of him. His girlfriend, Chris, looked beautiful. They have been “dating” for about a year which is very long term for 8th and 9th graders. I put dating in quotations because they do not drive and her parents and I keep a close eye on things so they have never really had a date that didn’t include a parent. This dance was a big event for them.

To all the new Parents here, I’m so sorry for your loss and sorry you need to be here but you have found a place of comfort and compassion.

To Lora, Laurie, and Wade, and Susan, thank you for asking about me and keeping me and Trista and my Boys in your thoughts. That means so much.

I’ll post more later as I catch up on reading.

Sending thoughts and prayers of comfort today to all.

Shannon

Tris and Abby fairy ballerinas

hummingbird

butterfly

Zak and Chris Homecoming

[JD's Mom, Becky]

The artwork is beautiful, Shannon! Can't wait to see it completed!!

Our nicknames as parents are dadman and mumzy! Don't remember which one of them, or both, came up with that, but it stuck!

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I love the photo of Zack with his girl. They make a beautiful young couple. He looks very much like his big Sis. So nice.

The art work is amazing, simply beautiful and I commend you in finding just the right person to capture that mood you were hoping to find; the personality of Trista. Perfection. I know how terribly hard it is to look at stones for your Child. I know.

I am happy that your Father-in-law decided to step in where his son is concerned. He is absolutely right, it is time for you to not have to keep that up too, as long as your financial interests are also being watched out for.

Sandy, I think I forgot to post my smiles to you the other day when you said your Daughter is starting to come around a bit. I am praying that that continues and that life brings you more joy as you go.

I had a wonderfully lovely morning walk today with Shannon and Erica Elizabeth, we walked about 3 miles under sunshine and cool temps in the 50's. Blue as can be skies and leaves falling gracefully as we strolled. Great conversation and sense of family wrapped my heart in smiles.

[mikesmomrs]

so much going on right now...wanted to stop and leave a request for prayers...my family is in some turmoil and things are really weighing me down right now. I will go into it at another time...I tried to post here, the other night, and lost my post when I tried to put a picture on, and had such a meltdown afterwards. It has been SUCH a huge, emotional week/weekend...hubby's birthday yesterday, young Mike's angelversary tomorrow. Have been trying to help cathi move...moving 1600 sq ft into 900 sq ft, and still not done. Going to try to take a break tonight... have tickets for a playoff game...hope we make it. Davis has been going through some tough stuff, trying to be supportive of him because he is trying so very hard...but I am his only support right now, so it all seems to fall on me....not whining, just venting. I will do everything I can to support him, so long as he is trying. So many new people here, so very sorry you have to find such a site, but you have certainly found a good place to be. I did make a post on my fb page for hubby's birthday, and I will try to repeat it here...it includes a link to my youtube video that I did, with him singing Amazing Grace in the background...don't know if I posted it here before or not...if I did, please forgive, my brain is a sieve right now. Know that you are ALL in my prayers, always, and I will come back and "talk" to you all. Much to do, going to Cathi's today to try to finish up some more, may have to take Davis to the ER, don't know yet. SHERRY: Prayers your daughter continues to heal and be good as new soon. Love to you all... (Just click on the picture, and be sure the sound is on...

(The fortune cookie is one that hubby got a short while after our son, Mike died...it came from Mike's favorite restaurant.)

[ericasmom]

Carol, I am so sad for the hard times that have come to your family. Moving is never easy, watch out for your back, your heart...

I am praying for Davis, knowing the roller coaster he has ridden in the past, and also knowing the toll it took on you. He has been lucky in life to have you, and you, him I know, but I sure get what you are saying, as long as he is working...

Big Mike's birthday! I am sorry that I forgot. What a strong man, what a strong couple you have been. He is sitting with you Carol, singing in your ear. Go to the game tonight and let your tears fall at the dates, the times, the songs, the celebrations. Both Mikes are there with you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, the pictures were beautiful that you are having designed...designing the memorial is a very emotional process...

Good to see your boy, Zak...those moments where we have to continue on for the sake of our other children are hard to push through...

I am glad to hear you are getting some support from your father's step-father...it is never easy to face a problem of drug dependency..

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Carol, what a beautiful tribute to your husband, Mike...I liked it that his song was played in the background...prayers as you help with this move...take care of yourself too...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mike.... Mike.... Mike....

may you be so close to your mom on this angelversary...shine on her your rays of love...

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Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
 and death is only a horizon;
 and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight...

Carol, you are in my prayers and thoughts...

[Mermaid Tears]

oh carol.....I just want you to know...we are there with you....my computer is not acting right...sending you lots of love and thoughts....sorry for glitcyes...sorry...maybe better tomorrow...I think it is just a comptueter glietich kin of thing...

[ericasmom]

MIKE MIKE MIKE

God blessed you to your Mom and your Pops and to your Sisters, and to your Sons. You brought light and laughter and huge love to Everyone that loves you. You are with them all still, holding your Dad's hand while you both hold your Mom's heart.

Send her signs Sweetie,

love you

[hotrod]

MIKE MIKE MIKE THINKING OF YOU

TOUCH MOM AND YOUR LOVELY FAMILY WITH THE WARMTH OF

YOUR SPECIAL LOVE

[Mermaid Tears]

Problem fixed...sticky keys...GRANDdaughter Pebbie on my computer....

Carol...I watched that loving video...and very moved by the fortune cookie message...lots of love layered in every photo....and what a sweet voice...I pray that 'other issues' get resolved for you and yours and that the 'move' gets done. No matter how I tried to organize a 'move' it always was like 'organized chaos'. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers that some sun can shine through the cracks in your broken heart and warm you. May your Best Boyfriend and SONshine boy send you a sign that they are close...so close...and only want to see your pretty smile.

Shannon....wow....that artist captured the persona of your girl ...amazing. I do believe Trista must have been guiding his hands as he created that vision. It is simply beautiful. We know the courage it took to get it created. I have relief for you in that the step father is squaring his shoulders and stepping up to the plate ....it never fails that when a 'secret' is out...and light shines on it...many issues can be resolved. I am glad he finally knows what is going on and can take responsibility for many things that you have been carrying. You will have some space for peace and healing. I agree....Zak looks like his sister....and yes...we have to put aside our grief to let joy and joyful events take center stage...for life goes forward...someone on this site posted this: I am not leaving you behind..am taking you with me.....I have remembered that phrase when we have had family get togethers and events....it is hard....but we have to push on for our children. We know 'the empty place' looms in our hearts and thoughts.

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos Been reading from time to time and hold warm thoughts for each of you. New parents I am so happy that you found this safe beautiful place to share you heart and pain. It saved my mind and life 6 years ago when I lost my only child Stephen. I see that Dee and Sherry's support and understanding are still been shared with each of you. What a Blessing!!1Sherry I pray that your daughter will regain her health quickly . Prayers for all our angels

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Happy Belated Heavenly Birthday to Big Mike!!! Wow, Carol, that video was amazing! What a beautiful voice!! What a blessing to have that! Thank you so much for sharing. It really touched my heart!

MIKE, MIKE, MIKE!! Happy Angelversary to you, and may your mom feel your heart and see the signs today to let her know how close you and dad are to her, this and everyday!!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Mike,

Please be close to your Mom and Family today on your Angelversary. Let them feel your love all around them. Show them you are close in all the ways you can.

Carol,

Wishing you peace and comfort today and sending prayers for you and your family. May you feel the love of Both of your Mikes today.

Shannon

[Guest]

..

[Mermaid Tears]

my thoughts to a 'T'....